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  • ...aaaand Pooh Bear-transition complete
    • "He's very protective of his cubs." *rolls over and his holding a pair of stuffed bear-cubs* "We got them at a game. They're signed by Mandy Patinkin!"
  • "If Mary Tyler Moore married and then divorced Steven Tyler, then married and divorced Michael Moore, then got into a three way lesbian marriage with Demi Moore and Mandy Moore, would she go by the name Mary Tyler Moore Tyler Moore Moore Moore?”
  • Jane's repeated Stealth Hi Byes in "Sabado Free-Gante", prompting Penny to ask her if she's a witch. And Jane's shrug response.
  • "I'm so. Tired. Of people using Vanilla Sky to defend everything!"
    • From the same episode.
    Penny: Alex, that's a sex swing.
    Alex: Nu-uh, it's an ergonomic work hammock. No carpal tunnel for this gal!
    Penny: That's clearly a sex swing.
    Alex: The man at the flea market clearly stated it was for taking care of business!
    Penny: I hope they cleaned it.
    • "Isn't it odd how our sixsome was basically forged on The Real World and yet we never talk about it?"
  • Brad acting like a Trophy Wife to embarrass Jane at work. And before that, he gets offended when Jane sends him away with money to go buy something nice. He storms off, but not without taking the money first.
  • Brad's aunt's nickname for Jane is cocaine: "Skinny, white, and a scourge to the black community."
    "That's a special kind of racism."
  • Max "Misery-ing" Penny while she's in the body cast.
    "You're like Kathy Bates but fatter!"
  • "So what you're saying is become a delivery man myself, go to their homes, get paid to have sex and eat free food? Jane you beautiful broomstick, I love it. But here's the rub with that, that basically makes me a prostitute, which means I'm going to fall in love with the game and there's no way my pizzeria manager/pimp is going to let me out of the game. I mean, I'm his top earner. Jane, you dumb lamppost, your plan is garbage."
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  • The Guns 4 Subs bit, especially Dave's expression and breathless voice when he says "But we don't have ice cream."
  • Brad and Jane's faked springtime fighting.
  • In "She Got Game Night":
    • Max finds a way to "finally open up the unbreakable pinata". It leads to a car crashing off-screen.
    • Later, everyone but Dave is going through the low-rate candy.
    Brad: I think I got glass in my Senior Mints... and my Sophomore Mints.
    Penny: Do you even know what "on the fence" means?
    Alex: (beat) What?
    (Cue opening theme music)
    • Dave worries over his psychic advisor moving away.
    Dave: She has to read my energy in person. Don't you know how science works?
    Alex: Hey, hey. You know I don't.
    Dave: I know.
    • "You know, that's a pretty good idea coming from a person who thought Sky Mall was an actual mall in the sky."
    • Max arrives to couples' night, even though he's single. He brought Scotty. Oddly enough, they do pretty well at the game.
    Scotty: Okay, our turn! Max's favorite color is red.
    Max: Hello, Scotty! Nailed it. How'd you know that?
    Scotty: (points at Max) Oh, I know everything about you, Max!
    Max: (chuckling) What, are you stalking me or something?
    Scotty: We prefer the term "Obsessive-American".
    Max: (face drops) Oh.
    Max: Okay. I'm gonna guess your favorite food... is Dolphin meat.
    Scotty: Daww, so close! Reestie's Peanut Butter Clorps.
    • Scotty has quite a few scenes in this episode.
      • Stealing from Brad and Jane's medicine cabinet... while Penny is talking to Brad and Jane about breaking up with Pete.
      • Trying to read Penny and Pete's lips because he "was deaf in his early 20s".
      Scotty: Here's what they're saying...(as Penny) Oh, Scotty is the greatest! You should have bought pills from him! (as Pete) Yeah, that guy seems pretty cool. What's his deal? He seems like an extra set of plans to bring into our relationship.
      • Oddly enough, Max seems to approve of Scotty's impersonations.
  • From "The Storm Before the Calm"
    • In a flashback, the look on Max's face when he intrudes on Penny during her "Post-Break-Up Cocooning Process", followed by his present-day summary:
    Max: I haven't eaten pancakes since.
    Dave: You're eating pancakes now.
    Max': (looks down to see he has pancakes on his breakfast plate) Oh. Huh. I haven't eaten waffles since.
    Brad: Noooope. Eating those too.
    Max: (Looks down to see he has waffles on a second breakfast plate in front of him) Oh. (Grabs a fork) Guys, I've got to get my life together. (Takes a bite out of his waffles)
    Brad: (chuckles heartedly) Heh. Yeah, you do. You're a mess! (He and Max fist bump)
    • Jane noticing what Alex and Max are secretly up to because Alex fails at hiding a book "How to Be a Taste Maker".
    Alex: Ugh! You and your ability to read!
    • Dave takes note of Max wearing a new pair of glasses:
    Dave: Max, are you seriously wearing glasses with no lenses?
    Max: (Beat) Maybe.
    Dave: Dude, I've seen you do some really dumb things before, but this... is not one of them. Those are cool. And this is coming from a man who wore a bandana around his jeans leg in high school, so I know what I speak of. (They high five)
    • Made all the better by Brad's reaction to Dave's shift in rationality.
    • Brad feeling through Dave's hair one morning.
    Brad: This is amazing!
    Dave: I know. The guy at the guitar store told me I have the hair of a white Aziz Ansari.
    Brad: He is not wrong.
    Jane: (walks in) Sadly, this is not weird anymore.
    Brad: (embarrassed) Oh, honey! Why aren't you at lunch with Penny?
    (later in the scene, after Jane leaves)
    Brad: (feels Dave's hair again) Let me dive back into there.
    Brad: Well, I mean... haven't really kept up with my acting. Except for memorizing all of Taye Diggs' monologues from Private Practice. But that's just to stay sharp!
    • Later, Brad has some insight on acting.
    Brad: All right, check it out. In order to truly inhabit the role of Kleet, I'm going method, and I'm living as if I really am in the 1300s. Fun Fact - I am property.
    • When Penny decides to replace Brad and Dave in the production of her play, she remarks that she'll simply substitute the latter (who was working as a stage hand opening and closing the curtains) with a sandbag.
    Dave: Good luck finding a sandbag with a goattee and a heart of honey!
  • Jane getting caught off guard by Brooke utilizing the Kerkovitch power of offscreen teleportation.
  • In "Deuce Babylove 2: Electric Babydeuce", when Dave and Penny decide to borrow a baby from one of their friend's to convince their parents not to adopt another child.
    Dave: Scare 'em straight. Like that time we took Max to that prison and scared all those inmates into getting their lives together.
    Penny: Tough love.
    • Also in that episode, Brad and Jane schooling Alex and Max in a game of tennis... in a slow-motion montage set to Kenny Loggin's 'Playing with the Boys', just like the beach volleyball scene from Top Gun.
  • After Dave and Alex sleep together in Season 2, he worries about the consequences:
    Dave: What if she wants to get back together, what if I don't, what if she's pregnant, would we raise the baby together, would we raise the baby as a group, group baby is that a thing?
  • The opening brunch scene from "Sabado Free Gante:"
    Max: I would like to thank Jane, and congratulate her on another amazing Saturday brunch. You go, girl.
    (Takes a bite of food, first Spit Take)
    Max: You go to Hell, girl! There's no rosemary sundried chicken apple pesto in that sausage.
    (Second bite, second Spit Take)
    Max: Those aren't cage free huevos!
    (This time, sips orange juice, while giving Jane a Death Glare and Penny protests, knowing what's coming. Cue third Spit Take, this time with his juice coming out through clenched teeth)
    Max: That is not fresh squeezed juice, that is from concentrate. Concentrate!
    Alex: I'm trying, but I don't know what you're talking about!
  • In "The Kerkovich Way," Jane, in full-on evil mastermind mode, helps Alex deny that she and Dave had sex by altering Brad's memory so he thinks Alex joined the two of them that night to watch Mamma Mia!.
    Jane: We were home, Brad. Yeah! Alex came over, we watched the movie, got in our sweats, ordered Thai food, made some popcorn, and then we all decided to get under the faux chinchilla blanket 'cause you said, "It's chinchilly in heah!"
    Brad: That does sound like me...
    • Jane tells Alex that thanks to the lie, it's like they created an alternate reality. Alex scoffs, claiming that whatever Alex in that reality can't be as good a krumper as she is. Then she demonstrates going into the commercial break, and when we return she's still going.
    • Jane explains to Alex that the women in their family have always been able to do this, going back to "Great-Great-Grandmammy Senka Kerkovich" in the old country. We then get a black-and-white flashback to Pozarevac, Serbia, 1915 (spoken in Serbian).
      Soldier: We are occupying your village on behalf of the Kaiser. Leave or be killed.
      Senka: This is awkward, but you occupied our village last month.
      [The soldier looks skeptical]
      Senka: Remember? You were very heroic and brave.
      Soldier: That does sound like me...
  • In "Of Mice & Jazz-Kwon-do", Brad tries to set up a date between Max and Brad's gay coworker (who is also Straight Gay). Brad means well, but the date crashes and burns before it even got started. Max is slightly offended that Brad tried to pair him up with another man just because they were both gay...and then he comes up with this gem of a line.
    Max: You know what you are? You're gay-cist!
  • Tyler the racist (and homophobic) parrot and his feuds with Brad and Max.
    • Towards the end of the first episode featuring Tyler (there are two), an ESL class is being taught in Alex's story –– a bit of a long story. The following occurs:
    ESL Instructor: (pointing to a board with English phrases) I would like Italian food.
    Alex: I think this is really helping Tyler out of his racism.
    Tyler: Squark! All Italians are mafia! Squawk!
    • Alex purchased Tyler because she was lonely. She says she bought him from someone called A-Ryan 420, unsure as to why a stoner would be so racist. Jane translates: Aryan, and April 20th is Hitler's birthday.
    • Tyler's death. Penny and Brad think they caused it by putting him too near to glue fumes when they were repairing one of Alex's plates that he saw them break. They stage an elaborate crime scene to make it look like Tyler fell out of the window. As it turns out, Alex accidentally killed him because she let him drink alcohol from a Mexican restaurant he loved.
    Alex: He hated Mexicans – loved their food.

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