Funny / Guardians of the Galaxy: The Telltale Series

General

• Checking the bridge console on board the Milano allows you to check your messages. Some of them are pretty chuckle-worthy.
  • The first opportunity you get to check your messages is when you have to choose between selling Thanos' body to the Nova Corps or the Collector in Episode 1. One of the messages is from Rocket.
    Hey, how's it going? Having a good day? I'm real happy that you're cranking around checking your mesSAGES INSTEAD OF JUST CALLING THE COLLECTOR.
    — RR
  • Groot also forwards you a very, very long chainpost.
  • Drax sends you an email for the first time.
    SUBJECT: I am no one's subject. My legs are sturdy and I am independent.
    FROM: I am Drax the Destroyer, steadfast warrior and sworn enemy of the Mad Titan Thanos! Together with my ambitiously-named brothers-in-arms "The Guardians of the Galaxy" we have slain many foes, and overcome many worthwhile challenges together. My physical strength and battle prowess makes me a valuable ally to this group.
    TO: PQuill
    Hello Peter Quill. I am increasing my worth by training to become a technical warrior! From this point forward you will be able to communicate with me without the use of my vocal chords.
    Drax the Destroyer
    PS: Draxxy didn't know to hit "Send." — Rocket
  • Yondu periodically sends you messages throughout the story, all written with his distinctive speech pattern. The first one is essentially his reaction to rumours that you killed Thanos.
    SUBJECT: THANOS?!
    Hey, boy! I bin heerin all sorta crazyness around teh name "Peter Quill" latelee. Like peeple sayin ya friggin' killed Thanos??! I don't beleeve it.
    • After you visit him in Episode 2, he sends you an email complaining about the mess you left behind.
      SUBJECT: Never Agin!
      Petee I ain't too pleased wit the mess u and ur crew left allover my safehouse. Dead leves and fer erverywear! Y'know my Ravagers got allergys theyr very perticuler to. This is da final time I stick my craw out for ya.
      Tell Gumonda I m very available
    • Peter's response in Episode 3:
      Dude, it's called SPELL CHECK! Look into it!
    • In Episode 3, Yondu invites you (and "Gumonda") to a barbecue.
      Petee I found meself in a bit of a windfll n things r loking up!! 4 once i am paying my ravagers and there's even enuf to reupullster my capns seat! I knew we had r disagrements n I want to invite u and speshly gimonda to Rajak 4 meel of your life. Bring what u like to drink.
      Yondu
      PS: I dun want yer critters and weerdose ne near the good eats. U n Gimunda onlee.
  • Howard the Duck also sends you emails complaining about Rocket owing him money from poker night.
    • His message in Episode 2 is pretty chuckle-worthy.
      Waugh!
      Star-Lord, you and Rocket haven't been returning my calls. Whatsamatter?! Beverly sez I need to expand my social outlets because I'm driving her batty, but Knowhere ain't no place for a fowl to make friends. Let's go out for escargot soon, capish?
  • If you fought Nebula in the Collector's museum in Episode 2, you will get an angry email from the Collector's assistant.
    SUBJECT: You Piece of Space Garbage!
    You and your friend have absolutely ruined the VIP Lounge! The display cases are all broken, the mines have CLEARLY been discharged, and the Monolith will never be the same! Did you think I wouldn't notice?!
    The Collector will hear about this. I am NOT taking the blame!
    Vylly
    Curator of the Collector's Museum
    • Peter's response probably didn't help matters.
      What are you talking about? The museum was already that way when we got there! You know what? I bet it was Nebula! That's the risk you take when you get such a valuable piece like Thanos' corpse. But I'm sure the Collector has some kind of space insurance for all that, right?
      Good luck!
      Hugs & Kisses.
      —Peter

Episode 1: Tangled Up in Blue

• As the crew takes fire from Thanos' ship, Rocket's trying to mitigate the damage.
  Rocket: Aaaand fixed! On to the next disaster.
  Peter: And that is?
  Rocket: Where to begin? Thruster's fried, compiler's spittin' out carbon...
  Groot: (Stops a pipe from crashing onto the floor, only for his arms to catch fire from the exhaust) I... am... Groot!
  Rocket: Oh, and now Groot's on fire! GROOT'S ON FIRE!
• Rocket calls the weapon he created his "baby". Drax, ever the Literal-Minded, actually thinks that Rocket has a baby on board the ship.
• Everyone slowly comes to in groans of pain after the crash landing. Everyone but Groot.
  Groot: I am Groot!
  Rocket: No. No, that was absolutely not fun, you stupid log.
• Rocket has a big gun to fight Thanos, but it's only good for one shot. Rocket defends himself why the gun has such a design flaw as the timer runs out. If you choose to respond with ellipses:
  Peter: ...
  Rocket: ...I know. I'm disappointed in me too.
  Drax: We all are.
  • In the event that you choose to have Star-Lord complain about the design flaw, Rocket tries to insult Peter by saying ‘So is your face!’ and after which he kicks himself for such a bad joke.
• When the Guardians prepare to face Thanos, they strike a badass side-by-side pose... then Rocket accidentally clonks Groot with his big gun.
• The gang assembles to head down to face Thanos, you choose from a few badass lines for Peter to say, the music swells heroically...and the elevator starts moving at a snail's pace.
• When things are going south fighting Thanos, Drax grabs the laser cannon Rocket was working on throughout the fight. He gets instantly frustrated because he has no idea how to to use it and just tosses it over to Star Lord. He also gets blasted by Thanos while doing so.

  Drax: WHY ARE THERE THREE TRIGGERS!?

• After defeating Thanos, Rocket begins to kick the body for fun and Peter can join in.
• The Guardians have just obtained the Eternity Forge, a relic of enough importance that Thanos went after it himself. What does Star-Lord do with this treasure? Use it as a cup for his boozing.
• The next day after the celebration at the bar for killing Thanos, Rocket describes feeling like his liver is trying to shank him from the inside for having so many drinks and Groot is in the bathroom puking his guts out. Quill can lampshade that he didn't know trees could get hung over.
  • Furthermore, Rocket's suggests to sell Thanos' body to the Collector. Peter comments how weird that is, and Rocket responds how weird is the new norm. As well as how odd that his plan is weirdest thing he's heard when they have a dead titan on their table and Groot's puking in the bathroom.
• Choosing to take Thanos' body to the Nova Corps will result in a rather hilarious situation. As the Corps are scanning the body to confirm its identity, the Guardians have to wait quite some time until Rocket decide s to break the tension. One of the Nova Corp member will then mention he is a fan of Star Lord and Peter can reply by stating he is a fan of them too only for Rocket to say "Nova Corps suck" on the Milano's speaker.
  • Star Lord can also reply that he too is a fan of himself. Gamora calls him a narcissist and Rocket agrees with her over the loudspeaker.
  • During this whole time, a small robot is flying around the hangar, clearly annoying the Guardians. After a while, Groot will swat it away.
• If you choose to take Drax with you to the Kree warship you'll be attacked by two guards as you advance through the corridors. Drax dispatches one with ease, and Peter shoots his opponent. . .only to have him get up again. Peter shoots him again, only to have the guard get up again. You're finally given the chance to quip. . .or shoot him one more time to be sure.
• On the title screen, the team is fighting over the relic while floating in space. Rocket is using Groot's face as a launchpad to fly over Drax, who is kicking Groot's stomach. Peter's hand is in Gamora's face and she's biting his thumb.
• When young Peter meets Yondu for the first time, he can ask whether this blue guy with the red mohawk is his dad. Yondu simply laughs at him before saying no.

Episode 2: Under Pressure

• The first episode ends with Peter exclaiming "Holy shi-" after the Eternity Forge brings him back to life. This episode literally picks up right where he was cut off.
  Peter: -it.
  • The other Guardians' reaction to Peter being brought back to life is also pretty funny. Drax exclaims that it was dark sorcery and calls Peter a "foul demon". Gamora throws a fire extinguisher at Peter who gets annoyed. Finally, Drax demands that Peter proves it is really him, the latter has the option to dance which apparently disturbs Drax.
• Groot's profile on the Milano bridge console has an update:
  Note to self: Don't get him drunk. The bathroom will never be the same.
• Nova Corpsman Rooks' adoration of Star-Lord is in full effect in this episode, and it is comic gold. His e-mail to Peter is endearingly off-putting.

Episode 3: More than a Feeling

• A possible option when Gamora is hesitant to enter the church:
  Peter: If anything goes wrong, I've got you to protect me, right?
  Gamora: (rolls eyes and walks ahead)
  Peter: You're not saying anything, and that's extremely worrying.
• While Gamora is stuck in a flashback, she thinks that Peter is Nebula, and is only woken up when Peter slaps her out of it (after she slapped him first). Then she slaps him again in retaliation for it, and one of the dialogue options is "Slap Fight" where they just keep going back and forth for a while.
• Mantis' introduction. She majestically rises out of a stasis unit...before unceremoniously flopping onto the floor.
• Mantis calls Peter a "hero the legends foretold. So brave and handsome," but not in the classical way. This earns Peter a chuckle from Gamora.
  • When Mantis meets the rest of the Guardians, she will describe all the virtues Peter has that made him the "Celestial One". In response, Peter can say that the description of a wise, emotionally mature leader describes him perfectly, prompting laughter from the other Guardians.
• The "helping Mantis concentrate" montage, featuring Star-Lord "convincing" his fellow Guardians to be quiet through quick-time events, all set to "Shambala" by Three Dog Night.
  • If Nebula is still with you, she will have an arm-wrestling contest with Drax. Even when Gamora joins in the two can't even budge her. Then Rocket pokes her in the cybernetics with an electric prod, causing her to fall over comically. Rocket stands on the table triumphantly... before Star-Lord yanks him away.
• Rocket has really had it with exploring temples by now, and says he's going to blow them all up once this is over.

Episode 4: Who Needs You

• Mantis on the crystal cave: "Perhaps if my stasis unit looked like this, I wouldn't be so psychically scarred."
• You can name the friendly rock worm Bowie.
  (If Quill tries to reason with the rock worms)
  Rocket: Don't look like they're fans of Bowie!
  Peter: These things have zero taste!
• You can also name it Blue on Drax's recommendation.
  Drax: Good. It shall forevermore be known as "Blue."
  Gamora: Although now it's red.
  [The camera cuts back to the rock worm, who is indeed glowing red]
  Drax: [betrayed] WHAT?!
• Then there's Rocket's suggestion: Obviously a Death Trap.
• After getting to help everyone fight the rock worms, you get to Mantis... who just cowers and throws a couple air punches when you hit her command.
• Though Rocket and Gamora's argument in the cavern is not Played for Laughs, one of Gamora's insults towards Rocket is pretty amusing.
  Gamora: When they rewired your brain, they must've screwed up. Because half the time, you're talking out of your ass!
• During the above argument, if you tell the two of them to shut up, Rocket responds by telling you to shut up.
  Rocket: No, YOU shut up, Quill! Tired of hearin' the sounds your- your face is makin'. "BLAH BLAH BLAH, ETERNITY FORGE. BLAH BLAH BLAH, FAMILY. BLAH BLAH BLAH, MOM. WAH!" Shut up!
  • If so inclined, you can get into a juvenile back-and-forth argument with Rocket as you repeatedly tell him to shut up in a variety of ways.
    Dude. Seriously. Take all the things you want to say, wrap them up in a nice neat little box, flush them all down a toilet and SHUT THE HELL UP!
    For the love of everything that is good and holy... SHUUUUUUUT. UUPPPPPPPPPPPPP!
• If you follow Rocket when he storms off, you get the option of calling him a "pissed-off teddy bear". Rocket replies that once you and him escape the cavern, he's gonna look up the word "teddy bear" and for your sake, it'd better be complimentary.
• Rocket gets back at Peter for making him crawl through worm tunnels by pranking him into sticking his hands into a sulfur pit.
• If you follow Gamora through the tunnels, the two of you and Groot will fall into a pit of flowers. The flowers are stated to be toxic to most beings, but they make Groot stoned off his ass. He spends the entire next section just staring at his hands, seemingly unaware anybody else is there.
  • Peter figures out something is wrong when Groot gets his catchphrase wrong.
    Groot... am... I.
    I I. Am am. Groot Groot.
  • Groot immediately sneezes and sprouts blue flowers all over his body. Peter and Gamora have no idea what just happened, but both agree it's weird and they should just walk away.
  • You spend several minutes trying to cross a chasm, only for Groot to have somehow already gotten over the chasm on his own with no idea how he got there.
• After the chasm the group enters a worm-infested tunnel. Peter accidentally lets one rip, and Gamora immediately notices. Peter can admit it's him, say he doesn't smell anything or blame the smell on the worms. Gamora isn't fooled if Peter lies. She actually seems to find it amusing if he lies.

Episode 5: Don't Stop Believin'

• Right at the beginning you get to play as Groot and are given many different speech options. No matter what speech option you choose, you will only say "I am Groot".
• During the flashback Peter is shown sporting a very bushy moustache. Groot can even lament his lack of one.
  • Rocket and Groot reminiscing over the Guardians' first meeting.
    Groot: I am Groot.
    Rocket: Haha! Oh yeah! "Stache Lord". I almost forgot about that upper lip atrocity.
• If you need to pick up Drax on his home planet you find him digging a grave next to his daughter's and lying down in it. Depressing as hell... and then the game gives you the option to actually bury him. Peter dumps dirt right on Drax's face until he gets pissed and leaps out.
  • You also have the option to mock him... by having Peter stare at Drax with a ridiculous wide-eyed expression reassembling a goldfish. This too provokes Drax into attacking.
  • Even if you do nothing to provoke him, Drax still gets up and attacks you in a fit of anger.
• If Drax is the last team member to rejoin the group, he will express disappointment at the fact that you didn't come for him first as he is, in his words, "Your favorite and most loyal friend. Who has never done you any harm and has harmed all of your enemies. Repeatedly."
  Drax: I will list them in order of harm.
  Gamora: Uh, you really don't have to-
  Drax: Drombalong the Pincher, the alien who kicked you in the shin.
  Sirvo 66, the robot who electrocuted your groin area.
  Thun a.k.a Kullllllienian Hoong a.k.a "George," who ran you over with his hoverchair.
  • If Peter remains silent, Drax will continue on this tangent.
    Gamora: Drax. Stop.
    Drax: I will continue.
    Tee-Ton-Tow-Tow the Gelatinous King, who attempted to absorb you into his being.
    Sally Rankin, a human girl who - as you have said - "broke your heart" back on Earth. I do not know how a heart recovers from such a wound, but some day this "Sally" will pay for what she has done to you. I will break HER heart!
  • If Rocket left the group at the end of Episode 4, Drax will refer to him as a "hairy infant".
• Before the final battle with Hala Peter gives a rousing speech to the Guardians. He turns to each member of the team and you're given four options to say about each one. You have the option of wildly insulting any member of the group, such as saying Rocket is riddled with pests in front of everyone.
  • One option lets you refer to Rocket as the "Number One Smartass in the Galaxy", which he takes as a compliment.
  • You can describe Drax as "a perfect murdering machine who despite all odds has become more bloodthirsty than ever before." Drax is moved to tears by your kind words.
• Once the team is reunited, Rocket devises a plan to infiltrate Hala's ship and defeat her for good. You are tasked with assigning roles for each of the Guardians to play in the final mission: a Hacker to hack the security terminal, a Protector to protect the Hacker, a Distractor to well, create a distraction and a Retriever to steal Hala's helmet. You can assign any of the Guardians to a given role no matter how ill-suited they may be and the plan works anyway.
  • The logical choice would be to assign Rocket to hack the computer. He does this easily and as an added bonus, he pranks the Kree by transmitting Peter's music to the entire ship over the intercom.
  • If Gamora is chosen as the Hacker, she makes a new "friend" who agrees to disarm the weapons' fail-safes for her. Said friend is evidently a terrified Kree whom Gamora held at knifepoint. When Peter asks Gamora to put her friend on the line so he can thank him personally, Gamora says that she already killed him.
  • Alternatively, you can task Drax with hacking the computer, with predictable results. Thankfully, this still achieves the intended outcome of disabling Hala's shields.
    Drax: You told me to hack the computer...I have hacked it to pieces!
    Rocket: DRAX! WHAT THE HELL?!
    Drax: You were wise to assign this task to me.
  • If Drax is tasked with protecting the Hacker, he clearly has a bit too much fun fighting the Kree.
    Peter: And how's that protection going, Drax?
    Drax: Oh, Peter! What fun I am having! Oh, the blood! It is everywhere! Even in my mouth! HAHAHAHA!
    Peter: [audibly uncomfortable] Okay. Good to know.
    • If the role is given to Rocket, he can be heard laughing maniacally as he presumably guns down the Kree, prompting Peter to comment "Aw! He sounds so happy."
    • Gamora handles the task very efficiently.
    Peter: How's that protection going, Gamora?
    Gamora: Done.
    Peter: What do you mean "done"? The Kree're all dead?
    Gamora: Yeah. I'm just kind of standing around now.
    Peter: Oh. That was fast.

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