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Funny / Gotrek & Felix

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  • In the first short story:
    Gotrek: You're a weakling, manling, and a coward too.
    Felix: They'll have ale.
    Gotrek: But sometimes your suggestions have merit.
  • Any time a Skaven's on screen for more than a paragraph.
  • Business as usual amongst the Skaven;
    "Lament Skaven! Tragic news!" Thanquol said, and even the coughing stopped. "Mighty warlord Vermek Skab is dead, killed in a terrible accident involving a loaded crossbow and an exploding donkey. We will have the traditional ten heartbeats of silence to mark his return of his soul to the Horned Rat.”
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  • An account of a Skaven Assassin’s training, in the Warhammer equivalent of the far east;
    While still a runt, he had been made to run bare-footed through a bed of red hot coals, and snatch coins from the bowls of blind beggars in human cities. Even at that early age, he had learned that the beggars were often far from blind, and viciously proficient in the martial arts.
  • From the same book, Thanquol has the brilliant scheme of sending our heroes messages to guide them over his rivals' various conspiracies, hoping they will kill each other. The following message is quoted verbatim from the book, as Thanquol is not good at pretending to be a "pathetic surface dweller";
    "Frends – be warned! Evil ratmen of the trecherus skaven klan Skryre – may they be poxed forever, espeshully that wicked feend Heskit Wan Eye – plan to attak the Colledge of Ingineering this nite during the dark of the moon. They wish to steel your secrets for their own nefare-i-us porpoises. You must stop them or they will be wan step closer to conquering the surface world,

    Yoor frend."

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  • In Dragonslayer, when the main characters are ambushed by greenskins, Gotrek and Snorri hurl threats at the incoming attackers. One of newly added members of the group, another slayer named Bjorni, shouts this little bit:
    Bjorni: "I slept with your mothers!" (the other dwarfs proceed to stare at him)"Well, needs must when daemons drive."
  • The Serpent Queen has a lot of these.
    Antar led the way, complaining loudly and at length the entire time. Felix wondered if that was the prince's default state, when he wasn't boasting about his battle prowess, or, more disturbingly, the size, shape and comeliness of the bones of his concubines.
    • Rhupesh and Gotrek facing off. Keep in mind, Rhupesh is strongly implied to have been a Dwarf in life.
    Felix: He's - ah - he's quite short, for a king. And broad.
    Zabbai: He is the Son of the Ox and the Asp. He was found in a basket of rushes, delivered to Lybaras as a gift of the gods.
    Felix: Right, right, but his general shape is...
    Zabbai: The weight of his divine strength has but reduced his stature.
    • Zabbai, the undead mummy, calmly mentioning that if she were still alive she wouldn't mind taking Felix as a consort. Then commenting that he wouldn't last very long but that it would be memorable nonetheless (implying she was such a sexhound in life that, at best, she'd soon get bored of him or at worst kill him with exhaustion - or a crushed pelvis). Then Gotrek spends the rest of the book encouraging him to go for it anyway...
  • In Orcslayer, it seems that Dwarfs find resolving grudges tedious as much as anyone else. But their grudges' rectification is a sacred duty.
    • Later on in the book, the animosity between Gotrek and Prince Hamnir comes to a head when Gotrek insinuates that Hamnir's father was an elf. Hamnir stops everything to challenge Gotrek to a fistfight, confident in his victory in spite of Felix and everyone else present believing otherwise. The end result?
    • In the next chapter, the truth of said animosity is finally revealed; they were once close friends, travelling along the Old World and signing on as mercenaries, until they liberated one village from their employer's rival. Then Hamnir received an old book of Dwarfen love poetry from the village barmaid. When the spoils of the battle were being divided, Gotrek demanded that the book be included in the tally. Hamnir refused. The grudge of decades between prince and slayer all began with a love poetry book, one that was worth all of a few pennies.
      • It is then later revealed that the book was completely awful and that Hamnir had only kept it all these years for the principle of the thing.
  • In Elfslayer, after more than twenty years of failed plots and schemes, the now elderly (for a Skaven) and nearly decrepit Thanquol finally has Gotrek and Felix at his mercy. He goes on a long monologue detailing how they have made his long life hell, ruining all of his plots and how they'll suffer for opposing him. Midway through, Felix has to ask "But... who are you?". Thanquol realizes that the foes he's hated for so much of his life have no idea who he is, and he rightfully loses his shit.
    • This throwaway line has to count as well:
      "Gotrek pushed past [the elf] and stomped into the privy. There was a tense moment of silence, followed by a sound like an explosion in a brewery. The crowd dispersed quickly, trying not to catch each others' eye."
    • While in Marienburg, Gotrek And Felix find themselves fighting a pair of hired goons. One would assume that the two thugs would be mincmeat. Instead, they seize a wide piece of furniture and use it to push the protagonists out a window and into the river below. That's right; after facing down giants, dragons, greater demons, and every nasty thing the ultimate Crapsack World can throw at them, our titular duo got their asses handed to them by a pair of mooks wielding a couch.
  • In ''Realmslayer, "the Grey Lord" who was behind everything has this to say when he learns Gotrek's returned:
    "He lives! NOOOO no no no no no it cannot BE! Not HIM! Not again! Not like this! Always the same! I want him dead! Dead dead! AAAAAAGH!"
    • This exchange in the land of the dead:
    Gotrek: He says the manling’s not here. That he’s in this place everyone keeps going on about called Hammerhal.
    Snorri: Hammerhal? Never heard of it.
    Gotrek: (matter-of-factly) That’s because you’re an imbecile, Snorri.
    Snorri: ... Oh yes.
  • Realmslayer: Blood of the Old World:
    Gotrek: You know what I fail to recall ever seeing in the great halls of my ancestors?
    Jordaius: ... a vast chasm drenched in infernal flame?
    Gotrek: (genuinely surprised) Aye!
    • Gotrek goes on to explain that he sees that kind of thing so often in the Mortal Realms that he'd assumed it was normal, thus his suprise that Jordaius guessed correctly.
  • A meta one: the interviews on the last disc for Realmslayer reveal that nobody actually explained the setting or backstory to BRIAN BLESSED. The story he worked out for himself from the script's background references has Gotrek hailing originally from ancient Earth before the Biblical flood and having visited many different alternate worlds.
  • Another Meta one. Gotrek has a new miniature. It can never deep strike, nor return after leaving the board? What does this mean? Well, it means in every battle Gotrek has to basically run across the board to get anywhere, huffing and puffing all the way. The image alone is hilarious. (Especially since he has a low move count).
    • Thanks to him being an absolute blender in close combat, the opposing player is probably actively moving anything valuable away from him. You can just imagine his rage at this.

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