Funny / Fullmetal Alchemist (2003)

• Never call Ed small/chibi/short/etc... actually, do it; it results in these nearly every time, unless you're Nina or Izumi.
  • The one time someone calls him a "diminutive state alchemist." Everyone expects him to react the way he usually does, but instead he calmly tells the guy, "Points for the big word, but you're still going down."
  • There is one occasion when he admits that if he wasn't short that he couldn't do his Air-Vent Passageway. He really got himself there.
  • In the PS2 game The Broken Angel, right at the start, one of the train hijackers calls Ed short, and in turn Ed transmutes a hammer from his automail arm and whacks the poor sap out the window sending him flying Team Rocket style.
  Ed: "YOU CALLING ME THE 'GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS' KIND OF SHORTY?!?!"
• The very first episode has an epic Mood Whiplash from the Human Transmutation scene, to four years later, where Ed and Al are walking through the desert, only for Al to sink in the sand.
  Ed: (Angrily) I don’t understand why you keep falling in!
  Al: (Defensive) I get full!
  Ed: FULL OF WHAT?! (Kicks Al and sand falls out of his chest plate, burying Ed. Al laughs and inches away)
  Ed: (Bursts out and starts running after Al) Get back here!
  Al: What are you gonna do?!
  Ed: Nothing!
  Al: Then why are you chasing me?!
  Ed: Stop and you'll find out!
  Al: I promise I won't get buried again!
  Ed: Not unless it's by ME!
• Episode 23: Ed hates milk.
  • Speaking of Ed hating milk...
  Hohenheim: So...do you still hate drinking milk?
  Edward: (angrily dropkicks Hohenheim with a surprised Alphonse and Maria in the background) WHO'RE YOU CALLING A MICRO-SIZED HALF-PINT WHO DIDN'T GROW UP BECAUSE HE DOESN'T DRINK MILK?!
  Winry, Riza and Sheska: That's not what he said, Edward...
• The entire birth sequence in Episode 6.
  Ed: CHILDBIRTH ISN'T ALCHEMY, YOU DOPE!
  • Gracia goes into labor during a blizzard so Hughes goes to get the doctor, leaving the brothers and Nina to deal with Gracia. It also just so happens it's Edward's birthday and they were throwing a party.
    Gracia: I guess this counts as party games.
  • Just before Hughes runs out:
    Gracia: *Collapsed on the floor* Honey, it's here...
    Maes: The tea?
    Gracia: The baby!
    Maes: B-but the doctor said next week!
    Gracia: Well, the baby said NOW, and I'm pretty sure she gets to choose!
  • The stupefied looks of the Elrics and Nina say it all.
  • Then there's the crowning part of the birth:
    Gracia: AH! I CAN FEEL ITS HEAD NOW!
    [Ed, Al and Nina scream]
    Ed: AAAH! SHE CAN FEEL ITS HEAD?! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!
    Al: Deliver it!
    Ed: I'M NOT TOUCHING BABY STUFF!
  • Later in the same episode, Ed teases Al by suggesting he have Alexander hide in his armour to fool the examiners.
• Colonel Mustang, Havoc, and Hawkeye are having a serious discussion about politics and Mustang's plans for becoming Fuhrer...
  Roy: That day... all female officers will be required to wear tiny miniskirts!
  • The best part about that line is that, up until that exact moment, Mustang had been portrayed as a humorless prick.
  • Bonus points for Riza's "my commanding officer is a teenager" expression, while Havok gets a nosebleed and then starts nuzzling Roy's thigh.
• From the same episode, when Mustang walks into the room, deadly serious, and says (in a big dopey smile), "A dog, huh?... I LOVE DOGS!!" By the end of this clip he's singing loyal canine how do we salute thee to a marching tune and then laughing like a crazy person.
  • Travis Willingham's delivery for this line was inspired by his (horrible) audition for Armstrong, making the dub even funnier. He calls this "the Armstang".
  • Hawkeye's method of dog-potty training. To cut it short, "Since that day, a silent oath is made among West Area residents, not to cross your path with Lt. Hawkeye...."
• Actually, almost all of Episode 13...
  • The assessment test itself.
    Ed: (to Al as he's running away) Come on Al, don't run! Think of the kitten!
    Al: I am! I'm the only one who is! (as the poor kitten is bouncing about Al's hollow chest cavity, trying to hold on for dear life)
  • Also...
    Ed: Today's the day I finally get some damn respect [from Roy].
    Al: What's your strategy brother?
    Ed: I TOLD YOU! A FIST IN HIS FACE!
  • The crowd rioting at Hughes stopping announcer duty to show off a billboard-sized picture of Elysia.
    Hughes: AH! DON'T FALL ON DADDY!
  • Ed hides in the crowd to avoid getting roasted by Mustang. His strategy to get him out?
    Roy: This is hard! He's such a small target!
    Ed: [growls, pop out of the crowd, exposing himself] WHO'RE YOU CALLIN' SMALL?!
  • Ed's impression of Mustang:
    Ed: Huh? Where'd you run off to? Oh, wait, there you are! I couldn't see you beyond my paperwork, seeing as how you're so short and all! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
  • To go with the above part where Mustang draws Ed out of the crowd, Mustang has absolutely no qualms about exploding the entire area where Ed is, soldiers and all. It's the massive "Oh SHIT!!" expressions Ed and a group of the soldiers make when they realize what's going to happen, along with Ed's next line that makes this scene absolutely amazing.
    Ed *As soldiers go flying left, right and center*: YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING!!!
• Almost all of Episode 37. Especially the first half, where Roy Mustang tells his subordinates to get Lt. Havoc a girlfriend. They end up setting him up with Armstrong's sister. The second half has their investigation of the rumored "Warehouse 13", which is supposedly haunted by ghosts.
  • Falman is trying to get a date for Havoc. He asks Sheska if she knows any smart, funny girls with great personalities. Sheska gets immediately offended that he didn't consider her. Falman clarifies that he's looking for a date for Havoc. Sheska immediately gets unoffended.
  • Alex has two other sisters, both of whom look almost exactly like he does. Keep in mind this part is all in Havoc's imagination, who is absolutely horrified at the possibility, making it even funnier.
  • Another good moment is when we get a look at how Hawkeye starts her day. Close in her bed...the giggles she's making are a little suspicious...and she whips the sheets open to reveal Black Hayate's been licking her feet.
  • They thought they'd discovered the scene of a murder, but it turns out they just found the place where Black Hayate buries bones. The way Hayate just nonchalantly walks through the scene, places his bone in one of the holes they'd just dug looking for the murder victim, kicks some dirt over it, and walks away, right past Mustang's pure "WTF???" expression...
    Roy: Well, I can't exactly say I was expecting that...
    *Awkward silence, a tumbleweed rolls by*
    Roy: WHO THE HELL IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS FIASCO?!
  • The line "It's a Were-House!".
  • Havoc spends the entire part of the "Warehouse 13" saga completely catatonic (due to Catherine turning him down). When everyone is running for life, they literally have to drag him.
  • Earlier, Fuery complains about how he's starving due to having lost the bet about Havoc and Catherine. Falman, who is normally pretty serious, proceeds to rub it in his face.
• Hughes is a walking, talking Funny Moment.
  Hughes: Got a message from Roy.
  Ed: You mean the colonel?
  Hughes: He said "Don't die under my command. You're enough of a pain without the paper work." That was it.
  Ed: Tell him (in a complete deadpan tone) "Fine. There's no way I'm dying before you, you morally bankrupt colonel with a god complex."
• However, before that...
  Hughes: Roy, you need to make as many powerful friends around here as possible, which is why I make the suggestion (whispers) you find yourself a wife.
  Mustang: (slamming phone) GIVE IT A REST!
  • Hawkeye walks by and tells Mustang to stop abusing the poor phone with a completely straight face.
• The coverup for Al's voice deepening in the dub of "Chibi Wrap Party", as if the entire OVA wasn't funny enough:
  Al: Hey, brother.
  Ed: Hey, Al... what happened to your voice?
  Al: It's called puberty, Ed. Maybe it'll happen to you someday.
  Ed: WHAT?!
• In the penultimate episode, Envy morphs into Mustang while fighting with Ed, thinking that Mustang's appearance would make him hesitate to attack. Ed's response? "I don't think you could've picked an easier target!"
• During the episode where Alphonse is damaged and left at the wrong train stop, a boy finds him and makes off with him so the boy can use Al's armor for a fight. The boy is highly weirded out that Al is speaking to him and then scared out of his gourd when Al proclaims (in a hammy fashion) that he's a "cursed demon armor and will steal your body and soul when you wear him." He ends up left on the side of the road, where Ed finds him some time later covered in Shinto Spell Tags to ward off evil.
  • Earlier in the episode, both sad and hilarious, it begins raining on Al's box:
    Al: No fair, sky. I'm the one who feels like crying.
• 90% of scenes involving Alex Louis Armstrong are this. He is Large Ham at its finest.
  • The Large Ham status has passed down the Armstrong line for generations!
  • When Armstrong escorts the boys home to keep them safe from Scar, Winry catches sight of Ed's Silver Watch for being a state alchemist, and wants to take it apart. When Ed refuses she turns to Armstrong. His sparkles fade and he decides to go chop a year's worth of firewood.
  • Armstrong starts gushing over Ed and Al's "brotherly love" when Ed starts fixing Al. Ed promptly tells him to chill out, and Armstrong's Bishie Sparkles fall to the ground as he sulks.
  • His way of convincing loyal soldiers to join a coup consists of flexing his magnificent muscles all over their faces.
    Armstrong: Proof?! YOUR PROOF IS RIGHT HERE! See this body! Flawlessly sculpted in service of our state! Feel how they pulse with loyalty, how solid and serious they are! Feel how-! If you don't believe me, they will make you believe. FEEL.
• This part of the movie, when the two brothers are reunited for the first time and have to escape. Their plan? Ed hops on Al's back, Al throws a suit of armor at the shooters, and they run like bats outta Hell while screaming their heads off.
  Alphonse: Now what?
  Edward: Just go!
  Alphonse: Which way?!
  Edward: ANYWHERE!
  Alphonse: I don't know where I'm going!
  Edward: It's better than getting shot!
• During one episode, we see some flashbacks of the brothers' time spent alone on an island as part of their training. At one point, they capture a rabbit. They spend a few minutes arguing about who is going to have to kill it, and just as the argument is reaching a climax... a fox runs past and steals the rabbit.
  • Bonus points for having a close-up of the rabbit's sad face, complete with tears. And then it goes straight into Crosses the Line Twice / Black Comedy territory when the brothers find out where the fox went, see its babies eating the rabbit, and then decide they'll just try fishing instead.
• Ed freaking out about having to get a shot.
  Ed: [trying to escape] NO! GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T NEED IT!
  Al: [dragging him back to the table] It's just a little needle. You'll be fine.
  Ed: I FEEL BETTER! I'M CURED!
  Al: Don't be a baby. Take off your coat.
  Ed: I HATE YOU, AL! WHY DO YOU WANNA SELL OUT YOUR OWN BROTHER?! YOU'RE EVIL!
  Al: You don't mean that!
  Ed: I'LL TURN YOU ALL INTO FISH!
• In the train hijacking episode, when one of the hijackers runs across Al, he panics and begins wildly shooting at him, only for the bullets to ricochet off Al's armored body and hit him instead. Then another hijacker comes up and does the exact same thing! And the best part? Al's actually trying to warn them that they're only going to hurt themselves doing it, but they freak out too quickly to listen.
• The anime's version of Izumi going to rescue Al from Greed. A door is transmuted into the wall, Al hopes it's Ed, and then he promptly freaks out upon seeing Izumi. And then she and Greed drop these gems:
  Greed: (nonchalant) I'm sorry, who the hell are you?
  Izumi: (pulling a hilariously over the top rage face) PISSED OFF!
• Sheska recounts to Winry how she investigated the background of Captain Juliet Douglas, and discovered both that she was supposedly dead and was far too young-looking for her recorded age, and finally explains her conclusion:
  Sheska: Captain Douglas is... an alien.
• Sheska working for Hughes, absolutely terrified that if she shows any signs of fatigue he will talk about his daughter.
• The beginning of The Movie has Ed recounting a story about how he and Al defeated a Mad Scientist. At the end of the whole sequence:
  Ed: Let's go. This whole castle is about to explode.
  Al: Why?!
  Ed: (Evil Grin) 'Cause I don't like it. I made some adjustments to the steam tanks.
  (cue explosions and wacky hijinks)
  • If you look closely, you'll see that Ed drew Colonel Mustang's face on the steam tanks that exploded.
  • Afterwards, the two are in a makeshift boat made of metal.
    (Ed and Al are using their hands to scoop out the water, with little success)
    Ed: We're sinking! We're sinking! We're sinking! We're sinking!
    Al: I know, I know, I'm trying!
    Ed: Faster, Al! AAAHHH! Gimme your head! (Grabs Al's helmet and scoops the water out)
    Al: HEY! BROTHER, STOP! GIVE THAT BACK! (Reaches for it)
    Ed: OH, STOP COMPLAINING, WOULD YA?! I GOTTA GET THE WATER OUT!
    Al: Well then, transmute something; you don't have to use my head!
• A sort of darkly humorous example, Dante hitting on Hohenheim.
  Dante: Why don't you help me enjoy this new body? (bares and licks her own arm)
  • And Hohenheim basically completely ignores her display.
• Roy and Ed's group find Denny in hilariously over-the-top tears. They try to figure out what's wrong. Cut to Hohenheim sort-of hitting on Maria Ross, who is visibly blushing. She later tries to deny it when Winry points out that it looked like she was enjoying it.
  • Ed's reaction to seeing his father for the first time in nearly a decade is to run up to him, punch him in the face, and accuse him of flirting.
• Another darkly (and probably unintentionally) humorous example, Envy basically throwing a tantrum when Dante robs him of the chance to kill Hohenheim.
  Dante: His sons are still alive, you know.
  Envy: (in a whiny voice while punching the floor so hard that it starts forming a gigantic crater) IT WAS FOR ME!!!!!!
• At one point, Lust and Sloth are having a serious conversation...and Wrath is jumping on a bed.
• In one episode, Marta kills a snake and advises Ed to eat it. With Marta being part-snake, the dialogue between them is inevitable.
  Ed: Aren't you gonna have some, too?
  Marta: (teasingly) Aw c'mon Ed, you trying to make me a cannibal or something? (winks)^note Note that she showed no objections to KILLING the snake
• Mustang and Hawkeye saving Fuery from a suicide mission.
  Hawkeye: (deadly serious) Master Sergeant Fuery. During your last physical examination we discovered Athlete's Foot and we now believe it is affecting your brain.
  (Mustang shoves Fuery onto a hospital bed, removes his glasses, and puts them on Hawkeye; they both walk out)
• Yoki’s Undignified Death scene. To frame the military, Lust repeatedly stabs him at super speed with her spear...while Gluttony makes terrible gunshot noises with his mouth. You can’t help but pity Yoki, but it’s hard not to laugh.
  Soldier: I didn’t hear any gunfire!
  Gluttony: Psssh, pssh, pssh! Pssh, pssh, pssh!
• Another Funny Background Event in a very serious scene is Lust, Gluttony and Envy escaping Laboratory 5 disguised in soldier’s uniforms. Yes, Envy, the horrifying psychopathic shapeshifter, is shown wearing that outfit with his hair tucked in the cap instead of simply shapeshifting into a soldier.
• When Ed fights the Slicer Brothers, he is shocked when the second brother is bound to the torso. When he knocks that off, he looks at the legs and asks, "...So is there a third brother in there...?" only for both of the brothers to say "No."
  • Earlier on, Ed knocked the Slicer brother's head off, and said "There are no dirty tricks in a fight". Then the second brother starts fighting him, causing Ed to call him out and say "Now that's a dirty trick!"
• Al tells Team Greed that he can't go with them because his teacher told him not to go with strangers. They tell him that at 14, he can't just do what his teacher tells him and needs to make his own decisions. Al agrees that he should make his own decisions. Then he decks one of them and clarifies that now he's decided not to go with strangers.