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Jessie, that's not how you do it.

Season 1 (In which it begins)

  • "Our Very First Show":
    Jesse: Hey, SHUT UP!!!!
  • "Our Very First Night":
    • The bedtime story.
    DJ: No monsters. No witches. That story was very scary.

    Steph: (gives Danny a bunch of fairy tale books) Study these storybooks. We'll talk about them in the morning.
    Danny: Okay, who wants Puddleduck and the Quack Quack Gang?
    Joey and Jesse: Read it.
    • "We'll settle this the only true way. Ready, go!"
      • "Once again, comedy kicks music's butt!"
    • This:
    Danny: I'm sorry, Jesse.
    Jesse: What do you mean "I'm sorry, Jesse"? What about "I'm sorry, Joey" or "I'm sorry, Danny"?
    • Joey and Jesse's argument over whether comedy or music is more important.
    Joey: Charo.
    Jesse: Bozo.
    Joey: Hey, Bozo had some good early material.
    Jesse: Yeah, yeah. You're right. He did.
  • In "Daddy's Home", Joey tries to sneak back inside. When he passes a Santa ornament...
    Jesse: Ho ho ho. [Jesse comes from behind the Santa] It's your last Christmas. Tell Santa what kind of tombstone you want.
    Danny: Jesse, my little girl just called you "Dada."
    Jesse: No, no, no, no, she didn't call me "Dada." She called me, uh, she called me "dodo."

    Danny: My little baby doesn't have the foggiest idea who I am!
    Joey: How many of us really know who we are?
    • Jesse is calling Joey to get home.
    Jesse: "Chill out, babe"? Listen you little leather-clad weasel, I created you, I can destroy-- Hello? Hello! I never taught him "chill out".
    • Danny sees Joey as a tough biker.
    Danny: Joey?
    Joey: Shut up, punk.
    Danny: Joey, you make Michael Jackson look tough.
  • The scene from "Knock Yourself Out" in the first season where Jesse tries to bring the snacks.
    Jesse: Freeze, ankle biters! This is far as your Uncle Lunch Wagon goes.
    DJ: Oooh, it's Uncle Bad Attitude!
    • Danny trying to speak to the camera, but the boxer and his trainer/manager keeps blocking him.
    • "Let's talk about strategy." (the boxer lifts him up) "Forget about strategy!"
    • "Are you calling me a liar?" "Of course not! Why would I choose those as my last words?"
    • "She left me? And sold the movie rights?"
    • "We'll be back after this word from... anybody but me."
    • Danny blamed for causing the boxer to lose.
    Reporter: How does it feel to deal a massive blow to a man's career?
    Danny: That depends, do you mean the Sandman's or my own?
  • Advertisement:
  • At the beginning of "Jesse's Girl", Jesse tries to bash Joey's head with a bat. He denies this, claiming he heard a burglar break in.
    Jesse: I thought I heard a prowler.
    Joey: Liar!
    Jesse: Quiet.
  • Joey: Can't we let bygones be bygones?
    Jesse: Okay. Bye, you're gone.
    • While Jesse's waiting for his student:
    Jesse: [playing his guitar] She's a la-dy. No. She's a wo-man. No! She's a mu-cha-cha. [stops] Maybe she's a man.
  • In "Our Very First Promo":
    Jesse: You know, in every movie the hero is always a soldier or a cop or private eye, but never once— never once did they make a movie about the real American hero - the Exterminator!
    Danny, DJ, and Steph: Pest-control specialist.
    Jesse: Coming soon to a theater near you.
  • "Sisterly Love"
    • "Jealous!" "Thief!" "Jealous!" "Thief!"
    • "Stephanie Anne Judith." "Donna Jo Margaret."
    • "Margaret?"
    • DJ using the exercise bicycle while still angry at Steph. She's using it really fast.
    "I know what you're gonna say. I'm wrong, you're right, I don't care!"
  • "A Pox in Our House"
    Joey: Where the heck is a pen when you need one?
    [Steph throws a pen from her hiding place. Joey spots it and picks it up.]
    • Steph tries to sneak out, but then Jesse catches her. Steph changes her voice to a high squeak and pretends to be a "friend named Carol".
    Steph: (normal voice) Uncle Jesse, you have the chicken pox too?
    Jesse: Whatcha say, Carol?
    Steph: (back to squeaky voice) I mean, Mr. Uncle. I mean, Uncle Cochran. I mean, Jesse... Mister. I mean, I... I... I... (reverts to her normal voice) I can't take it anymore! (removing her sunglasses and detective hat) It's me, Stephanie!
    Jesse: Unbelievable! Stephanie Tan-- I could have sworn it was Lauren Bacall!
  • In "Mad Money", Danny tells Jesse, who plans to go on stage as an Elvis impersonator, the family won't laugh at him. Joey comes, looks at Jesse, and walks out laughing.
    • Earlier in the episode:
    Joey: I love you, and you, and you, and you!
    Jesse: I love you, and you, and you, and you! What's a matter with you!?
  • "The Return of Grandma"
    • As they were leaving to go shopping:
    Danny: (opens the door) How many times do I have to tell you, make a tinkle before you leave the house!
    [Joey runs back inside]
    • Danny's mother comes home.
    "Hi-aye aye!"
    • "I guess you had to find out sooner or later. My name is Joey and I'm a time dyslexic."
    • "Don't listen to them, mom. You can cook anything you want."
    • "I love this amphibian!"
      • "You just hate coming home alone, do ya?"

Season 2 (In which Danny becomes co-host of Wake Up San Francisco)

  • "Cutting It Close"
    DJ: I can't believe you did that.
    Jesse: Whatcha do?

    DJ: (saying it for the fourth time) I can't believe you did that.
    Steph: I can't believe you're still saying that!
    DJ: [seeing Joey with a hair net and painted toenails] I believe she did that.
    • About Jesse's hair...
    Danny: Don't worry, it'll grow back. It's just hair.
    Jesse: No, your hair is just hair. My hair... (sees Steph holding the part that was cut off) is in her hand!
    • Broken-armed Jesse making a "simple" bowl of cereal.
    Jesse: What's a matter? Ever seen a grown man eat a bowl of cereal before?
    Danny: Not like a Great Dane.
    • Steph blames herself for Jesse's injury and says she's sorry:
    Danny: Steph, it's not all your fault. Jesse, tell her it's not all her fault.
    Jesse: It's not all your fault.
    Danny: Not a big help.
    Danny: Steph's scared to death to go near you. She's afraid she'll hurt you.
    Jesse: Well, tell the little rugrat she's wacko.
    Danny: I think YOU should tell the little rugrat she's wacko! In a nicer way.
  • In "Middle Age Crazy", Jesse and Joey are having a hard time coming up with a jingle. A frustrated Joey throws crumpled paper at Jesse who is on the phone. After getting off the phone...
  • "Pal Joey":
    Jesse: We got a major crisis with the chippy chunk-Nut cookie account. It seems they found more chunk-nuts then chippys in the chewy chocolates, so the chewy-chippy chunk-nuts have to be called Nutty-Chewy Chunk Chips.
    Joey: What? How can they do that?
    Danny: How can they say that?
    • "Never pull my plug when I'm cleaning!"
  • In "El Problema Grande de D.J.":
    Mrs. Mosley: Hasta la juego.
    Danny: A pollo loco.
  • In "Blast from the Past", Kimmy gets DJ and Steph stuck with magic handcuffs and can't get them out. So they have to wait for Kimmy's older brother to return while hiding this from everyone. They end up sleeping on the same bed. The next day, Kimmy tells them her brother won't be back for a week.
    Steph: YOU CAN'T GET THE KEY?! Let me at her!
    [everyone sees the handcuffs]
    Danny: Kimmy, did you handcuff my daughters together?
    Kimmy: Boy, nothing gets by you.

    Kimmy: (after Jesse pulls a switcheroo) I'm stuck!
    Danny: Boy, nothing gets by you.
    • During Kimmy's magic trick.
    [DJ doing the floating ball trick, accidentally dropping it. Steph gives it back to her and sees there was a fake hand]
    Steph: Hey!
    DJ: So I grew a third arm.

    Kimmy: [about to perform the magic handcuffs trick] Have we ever met before?
    Steph: Unfortunately, we have.

    Kimmy: If my brother finds out I borrowed his magic kit without asking, he'll make me disappear!
    Steph: He already made your brain disappear!
    Joey: (surprised) Patty?
    Danny: (disdained) Fogerty!
    Jesse: Who's Patty... Fogerty?

Season 3 (In which they get the dog)

  • The whole "Tanner Island" two parter is a series of crowning moments of funny
    • The hazards of ocean navigation:
    Danny: We should be arriving soon at the island of Pua for a picnic and Polynesian show.
    Joey: Which island?
    Danny: This island.
    touches finger to map, picks it up to reveal open ocean
    Danny: Hey, where'd the island go?
    DJ: It's on your finger, dad.
    Jesse: Ahoy, mateys: Your skipper has been sailing all morning to a potato chip crumb.
    • When they see their boat floating away:
    Danny: [runs towards the water] Come back!
    [Jesse follows him]
    Becky: You'll never catch that boat!
    Jesse: I don't wanna catch the boat! I wanna catch DANNY!
    • Jesse throws away the Clipboard of Fun...and so does everyone else as it keeps coming back to shore.
  • When Jesse and Joey find Danny just rubbing suds around at the sink in "Back to School Blues":
    Jesse: Joey, it's finally happened. He's cleaning liquid soap.
    Danny: Don't be silly, I am just cleaning my rubber gloves.
    Joey: Danny, there is no shame in therapy.
  • At the end of an episode that aired around Halloween 1989, D.J. and Stephanie have made up after the sibling conflict of the week. What's funny is they're dressed in certain costumes for a party, and when Danny sees them embracing he says: "Awwww, Batman hugging the Joker! Now that's the way the movie should have ended!"
    • And before that they pretend to make up by hugging in front of him. When he finds out that it wasn't real, he's outraged.
    Danny: "A fake hug? In my house?"
    • "Living with Michelle is like a Nightmare on Sesame Street."
    • After DJ and Steph decide to "get a divorce", DJ was about to call Kimmy and tell her she's got her own room but then Steph tells her half of everything is hers. She takes the phone with her, leaving DJ with only the handset.
  • From "Aftershocks":
    Joey: (tasting from a pot on the stove) This soup has absolutely no taste.
    Jesse: I'm boiling water.
    Joey: (tastes it again) Well in that case, it's delicious.
  • In the episode "Joey & Stacy and ... Oh, Yeah, Jesse," when Comet chewed up everything he saw:
    Kimmy: Mr. Tanner, have you ever considered obedience school?
    Danny: Yes, and tell your parents I'm willing to pay half!
    • Also doubles as a CMOA based on audience reaction.
  • In "No More Mr. Dumb Guy", Jesse and an old friend of Becky's arm-wrestle. They noticed the violinists playing their instruments for dramatic effects. The two look at them in confusion, then resume their match.
    Danny: Get him, Jesse! Get him! [Becky hits his arm] I mean... how incredibly barbaric!
    • "Let me tell you about your pal Shakespeare: anyone who makes men dress up as women, that's where I draw the line!"
    Jesse: Admit it! You think I'm stupid, don't you?
    Becky: That makes absolutely no sense!
    Jesse: Oh, now I'm not making any sense?
    Becky: No, now you're being stupid!
  • In "Fraternity Reunion":
    Danny: I'll have my parole officer call your parole officer.
    • Steph, Michelle, and Kimmy's reaction to Danny and Joey in drags.
    Michelle: Daddy's a girl!
    Steph: No, she's a woman.
    Kimmy: An ugly woman!
    • Joey adjusts Danny's fake breasts, getting the attention of a couple of women.
  • The titular kiddie TV show in "Mr. Egghead", especially keyboardist/sidekick Jesse getting annoyed with a nerdy kid in the audience who knows enough to cause trouble. "I heard [the old] Mr. Egghead didn't pay his taxes." "Well, he's on vacation for three-to-five years."
    • Steph skips school to avoid getting her school picture taken with a bandage on her nose. She asked Michelle to make her a PB&J sandwich for her, and to say she's making it for nobody if anyone asked.
    Steph: (seeing how sloppy the sandwich was) Michelle, the sandwich is inside out.
    Michelle: You're supposed to say "thank you!"
  • Quite a bit of "Honey, I Broke the House" is this.
    Danny: (Upon seeing that Joey's car has been driven into the kitchen) Look at this house! Look at this kitchen! Look at this mess - I just waxed the floors!
    • Michelle somehow giving voice to the obvious about their new living situation.
    Michelle: There's a car in the kitchen!
    DJ: Right, and there's a bus in the bathroom.
    Steph: Good one, Deej! Ah ha ha ha!
    • Then when they see it, Michelle just replies, "I told you so."
    • When they ask how a car got in the kitchen she just answers, "Through the window."
      • And then Jesse asks them how the car got in the kitchen, Kimmy and DJ answer, "Through the window."
    • DJ and Kimmy preparing Danny and Joey to the damage, was getting a camera to take a picture of their reactions.
    • Joey's reaction to seeing his car in the kitchen (thinking Danny’s anger was about something else):
    • Joey revealing that the radio of his car never worked considering Stephanie only used the car to use the radio.
    Stephanie: Now he tells me!
  • While "Just Say No Way" is a Very Special Episode, it also has the hilarious "Baby Beluga" B-plot — a G-rated precursor to Peter Griffin's obsession with "Surfin' Bird". Highlights include Joey spouting water whale style and Michelle threatening to cry if they take her tape player away.
  • "Our Very First Telethon" features Janie's Got A Gun performed by Joey Gladstone. Jesse stops the performance shortly afterwards.
    Jesse: Stop him before he starts singing Tina Turner.
    • Near the end, Danny wakes up to Kimmy in a unicycle while the "Sabre Dance" plays. When Danny realizes he's been out for four hours, he starts to freak out, only to be reminded by Becky that they're still live.
    Danny: That concludes the dramatic portion of our telethon.
  • In "Nerd For A day," DJ is observing Michelle's daily activities for a school project. Exhausted from chasing Michelle all over the house, DJ suggests that they both take a nap. Michelle agrees and they both lie down on her bed. After only a few seconds, Michelle cheerfully exclaims, "Nap over!" and runs out of the room with DJ's paper.

Season 4 (In which Jesse becomes a husband, then an expectant father)

  • "Greek Week":
    Silvio: I am ready to learn the family business. What do you do for job?
    Danny: I have a talk show.
    Silvio: Well, I will study hard, and when you die, I will take over.
    Danny: I will never die.
    • "You have a volcano in the kitchen?"
  • Becky and Danny's train wreck of a commercial from "Good News, Bad News".
    • "Grab yourself a cup of coffee..." "And a POP TART..."
    • "We shot a great commercial. Unfortunately, it took us 24 coffee cups to get it."
    • And from that same episode, Michelle playing the shadow game with a very annoyed Stephanie.
    Steph: Okay, big shot, let's see you handle this. (very quickly) Ipledgeallegiancetotheflagoftheunitedstatesofamericaandtotherepublicforwhichitstandsonenationundergodindivisiblewithlibertyandjusticeforall. Try that!
    Michelle: Try that!
    • After DJ and Kimmy make up:
    Steph: Stop, you're killing me!
    Michelle: Stop, you're killing me!
    Steph: (smirks) Hey Kimmy, wanna play shadow?
    Michelle: Hey Kimmy, wanna play shadow?
    Kimmy: No way, I hate that game.
    Michelle: No way, I hate that game.
    Kimmy: I said no!
    Michelle: I said no!
  • Also the entire episode "Secret Admirer," where Rusty sends a fake love letter to DJ. Hilarity Ensues.
    Michelle: Everything went bananas!
    • When everyone's thoughts are heard...even Comet's!
    Comet: Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.
    • "Whoa baby! Jesse has the hots for me? And why not? I'm twice the woman Becky is."
      • "Her Jesse?!"
    • This gem from Becky:
    Becky: (thinking) Danny's in love with me? If Jesse finds out, he'd kill Danny! (thinks, then grins) Hmm...I could have my own show...
  • In the episode "Working Girl", Polite Police Michelle asks Steph if she can have her cupcake.
    Michelle: May I have that cupcake please?
    Steph: No you may not.
    Michelle: But I was polite and I said please.
    Steph: I was polite too, I said no you may not.
    Michelle: Guess what... (puts the cardboard star on the table) Politeness Week is over! (grabs Steph's cupcake and runs)
    Steph: (runs after her) How rude!
    • Jesse freaking out about Becky wanting an old-fashioned country wedding, saying "I am not having my wedding on Hee Haw" and proceeding to check her mouth to see if she's snaggletoothed.
  • In "A Fish Named Martin" the family is practicing square dancing for the wedding (which Jesse doesn't) and this gem is given:
    Danny: Now all join hands and circle right.
    Jesse: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. I'm outta here.
    • Michelle asked where babies come from.
    Danny: (beat) Why don't we go back to square dancing and I'll tell you about it later.
    [Everyone agrees and left]
    Michelle: Hey, get back here! I asked you a question! Where do babies come from? I know you know! [marches after them]
  • In "The Wedding" (part 1):
    • Michelle practices by throwing tissue paper while she goes around the living room as Danny tries to get her to stop as he picks up the tissues but she keeps going.
    Danny: Honey, these were trees once.
    • DJ and Steph document the entire wedding, beginning with the day before the wedding.
    DJ: DJ Tanner presents: The Making of a Wedding. A DJ Tanner Production, of a DJ Tanner Film. Written and Directed by DJ Tanner.
    Steph: (holding the camera) Cute! Ain't you forgetting something?
    DJ: Okay, sorry.
    Steph: And... action!
    DJ: Hosted by DJ Tanner. Hi, I'm DJ Tanner.
    Steph: Cut, again! What about me? This video is a wedding gift for me too, you know.
    DJ: Okay, I see we have some ego-problems here. Let's take it from the top.
    Steph: Action!
    DJ: DJ and (with enthusiasm) Stephanie (Steph gives her a thumbs up) presents: the making of a wedding.
    Jesse: That's always been a mystery with me. They call it hogtie and it's with a calf, why don't they just call it "calftie"?
    Becky's dad: (glares at Jesse) Stay with me, son! I'm going somewhere with this!
    • Joey tries to talk Jesse out of sky-diving since he's getting married.
    Jesse: I gotta do one last crazy thing before I give it up for the woman I love!
    Joey: Isn't flying with me crazy enough?
    Jesse: No.
    Joey: How about if I do this?
    (Joey spins the plane around)
    Jesse: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! Don't do that! (hits Joey's head)
    • Jesse jumps out of the plane:
    Joey: Oh, my God, he jumped without his... mousse!
    (Jesse pulls his parachute. Joey gives him a thumbs up. Jesse slowly descends to the ground.)
    Jesse: Did I forget my mousse?
    • At the church:
    Danny: Nothing's wrong.
    Mr. Donaldson: You're lying! I can tell by the way you won't look me in the eye!

    Rebecca: Is everything already, Danny?
    Danny: Oh, everything's fine. Perfectly fine.
    Rebecca: Then why won't you look me in the eye?
    Becky: Where's Jesse?
    Joey: He must have went to pick up some can of mousse.
    Becky: (relieved) Oh, thank god.
    Joey: (chuckles) Yeah, he forgot it when he jumped out of the plane.
    Becky: He jumped out of a plane?!
    Joey: It's okay. I took him skydiving. Last I saw him he's floating safely to the Earth.
    Becky: (grabs Joey's collar) You took him skydiving?!
    • Kimmy walks into the Tanner house carrying two dresses and asks DJ which outfit she should wear to the wedding.
    DJ: Kimmy, those are my clothes!
    Kimmy: That's why I'm asking you.
    • This scene in part 2:
    Kimmy: These people are getting restless. You guys better lock the exits.
    Joey: What are we going to do?
    Danny: We gotta tell them something.
    Joey: We can't tell them the truth.
    Danny: I can't lie in church!
    Joey: Neither can I. We'll take them to the parking lot and lie to them there.
    Danny: Joey, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
    Mr. Katsopolis: What's going on?
    Mrs. Katsopolis: Where's my baby?
    Danny: You see, the truth is, your son's... (noticed the guests are looking at him) Would everybody like to accompany me in the parking lot?
    (Everyone stands up. Kimmy barges in.)
    Kimmy: Hey, I know why Jesse's late! He's in the slammer!
    (everyone murmurs in confusion)
    Danny: You can all sit down now.
    (everyone did)
    • At the reception, Jesse and Rebecca have their first dance as husband and wife and not being able to settle between "Jailhouse Rock" or a slow dance song, they compromise. They slow dance to Jesse singing a lounge singer version of "Jailhouse Rock". That alone is very funny, but when Rebecca gets tired of that real quick, he enthusiastically switches back to the regular version at her behest.
  • "Ha ha haha ha, Iiiiii fooled you!"
    • "I didn't cry wolf, I cried mouse."
  • And when Becky tried to tell Jesse she was pregnant through a game of Pictionary.
    Jesse: Are you trying to get rid of me?
    Becky: Of course not, now beat it!
    • Before that, Jesse fails to actually figure out what his wife is trying to tell him, instead having told her about his band going on tour. This leads to a hilarious misunderstanding when he thinks that this is what everyone else is talking about:
    Joey: Congratulations on your miracle!
    Jesse: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a miracle, I mean it took a lot of hard work.
    (Danny and the girls stare for a moment)
    Jesse: You know, at the risk of being vain, some natural raw talent too!
    Danny: (has a "O_O" face)
    Jesse: I've been practicing for years! In friends' garages, basements...
    Danny: (covers both DJ and Stephanie's ears)
    Jesse: (as Becky runs in to try and warn them that she didn't tell him) And listen, when the big night comes, I want you all there with me and Becky screaming and yelling and and holding up lighters and chanting "JESSE! JESSE! JESSE!"
    Danny: What are you talking about?

Season 5 (In which they add the twins)

  • During DJ's presentation in "Take My Sister, Please".
    [after DJ finished, Danny, Joey, and Jessie talk amongst themselves.]
    Joey: Can I see chart #2 again—
    Jessie: (pulls Joey back in) Get in here!
    Danny: Okay, we've come to a decision.
    DJ: Dad, that's so unfair!
    Danny: You haven't even heard what I have to say yet.
    DJ: Sorry, just a habit.
  • The ENTIRETY of "Happy Birthday Babies Part 2", in which Becky goes into labor, is a CMOF, especially when Jesse becomes delirious after having his appendix removed.
    Jesse: (Dazed. Singing) Having my baby...
    Becky: SHUT UP!
    • Later:
    Jesse: (dazed) Thanks, Donny.
    Danny: Close enough.
    • The adults accidentally leave Michelle and her birthday party guests behind when they head to the hospital, so for a few minutes they're on their own and have some trouble figuring out how to handle the cake. "Anybody allowed to play with matches/knives?" "Nooooooo..."
    • Kimmy cheerfully announcing to the entire waiting room that Danny isn't wearing pants under his Dino costume (It Makes Sense in Context).
    Sassy black: Would Puff the Magic Dragon like a hospital gown?
    Danny: I like that very much, and the name is Dino.
  • In "Play It Again, Jesse":
    • Joey has a stiff neck throughout the episode.
    Danny: (Joey is stuck facing up) What are we looking at?
    Joey: Nothing I have a stiff neck.

    Jesse: (Joey is stuck facing down) Did you lose something?
    Joey: Yeah, the use of my neck. I tried to crack it myself...You know it’s amazing how many people need shoe shines?
    • Steph accidentally spilled mustard on DJ's sweater she's wearing.
      Michelle: She's gonna have a cow!
      Steph: Tell me something I don't know!
      Michelle: Yesterday, I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.
    • Joey got his neck fixed, he just has to not make sudden movements. Then, when Michelle comes wearing DJ's sweater which got shrunk in the washing machine...
      Michelle: Look, it fits me!
      Steph: Michelle!
      Joey: (turns his head to the right) What?! Aah, I just threw my neck out again.
      Joey (as Woodchuck): Way to go, stupid.
    • An airport bar patron noticed Joey is staring at him.
      Guy: What are you staring at?
      Joey: I'm not staring, I just have a stiff neck.
      Guy: Want me to adjust it for you?
      Joey: I'll just adjust my chair. (turns his chair around)
      • Later, Joey goes to the restroom and walked pass that guy, Joey covers his eyes.
  • In "Crushed", Kimmy tries to run to Tommy Page as he was singing to Steph, and DJ grabs her. Later, she asked Tommy to autograph her shoe, and you know what happens next.
    • Jesse: (to Danny) Next time you bring a celebrity home, try Angela Lansbury!
  • Ginger the chimp spanks Jesse in the rear in "Too Much Monkey Business".
  • Kimmy and Steph constantly bicker in "The Devil Made Me Do It".
    Kimmy: Are you calling me dumb?
    Steph: You're so dumb you don't know how dumb you are.
    Kimmy: I know how dumb I am. You're the one who's dumb. Capital D-U-M. Dumb.
    DJ: Kimmy, there's a 'B'.
    Kimmy: Where?! I hate bees!
    DJ: Looks like we have a winner.
    Steph: Deej, why are you friends with this?
    Kimmy: She picked me. She's stuck with you.

    Steph: I'm ordering a pizza. This could take months.
    Kimmy: Years.
    Steph: Centuries!
    Kimmy: Infinity!
    Steph: Double infinity!
    Kimmy: Triple infinity...
    • The look on Good!Michelle's face when Bad!Michelle says "Na na na na..." to her face.
    • This dialogue:
    Danny: For the rest of the day, you're gonna be in your room, and no TV.
    Michelle: Then can I rent videotapes?
    Danny: No tapes, no cable, and no pay-per-view.
    Michelle: You gotta be kidding!
    Danny: No I'm not!
  • In the episode "Yours, Mine, and Ours," Jesse and Becky argue about how to raise their twins:
    Jesse: These kids were born to be wild!
    Becky: Excuse me, they were born to be little gentlemen.
    Jesse: That'll make a fine tattoo.
  • In "Where Oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone", we get this hilarious exchange
    DJ: I don't want you invading my privacy!
    Danny: I'm your father, I'll invade Normandy if I want to!
  • In "Captain Video, Part 1", Michelle made something for her family to try to get her cooking badge.
    Michelle: I call it Michelle's Pudding Surprise.
    Becky: Sounds delightful. What's the surprise?
    Joey: (eating with a disgusted look) I think it's cheese.
    Michelle: Surprise!
    DJ: (eating) Michelle, you put cheese in the pudding?!
    Michelle: Velveeta, and that's not all.
    Danny: Olives.
    Michelle: Don't you like em?
    [Everyone nods and says 'yes' with their mouths full.]
    Michelle: Then how come nobody's swallowing?
    [Everyone takes one big gulp.]

Season 6 (In which Tanners go to Disney World at the end, but nothing big happens)

  • "Come Fly With Me"
    • The look on the family's faces when they see DJ and Steve kiss.
      Danny: Making out in an international terminal? What will people think of America?
    • Through the whole episode, Michelle says something dumb and keeps missing the point.
      • Talking to a cute boy:
      Steph: We've been to Nowheresville.
      Michelle: Is that where I got sick in the car?
      Steph: (pushed Michelle to the chair) Hehe. Kids.
      • Even funnier is the look on Michelle's face when Steph pushed her, just staring on.
      • Greeting the kids on the plane:
      Steph: (shaking hands) Stephanie Tanner. USA.
      Michelle: (shaking hands) Michelle Tanner. C-A-T.
      Steph: Michelle!
      Michelle: (shrug) That's all I can spell.

      Michelle: Steph, do they have ice cream in New Zealand?
      Steph: I don't know. I never been to New Zealand.
      Michelle: Oh. But they probably do, right?
      Steph: Who cares? Don't you understand? We're going to jail!
      Michelle: Oh, right. Do they have ice cream in jail?
      Steph: (frustrated) Try to stay with me. We are looking at hard time!

      Michelle: We'll be driving six-wide horses when she comes!
      Kids: Hee-haw!
      Michelle: We'll be driving six-wide horses when she comes!
      Kids: Hee-haw!
      Michelle: (to Steph) I think somebody forgot to sing the "hee-haws".
      Steph: I'm too depressed for "hee-haws". When Dad gets a hold of us, the only song we'll be singing is "we'll be grounded for life".
      Michelle: We'll be grounded for life when he comes!
      Kids: Hee-haw!
      (Stephanie sighs in frustration)
      • Steph tells Michelle to pretend to be sad so Danny would feel sorry for them.
      Michelle: Bye, Suzy!
      Steph: Michelle!
      Michelle: (being "sad") I mean, bye, Suzy.
      Danny: Do you two have any idea how worried we were?
      Joey: Why in the world did you get on that plane in the first place?
      Steph: We're really sorry. It was an accident.
      Jesse: Accident? You accidentally walk into a plane? You accidentally sat down and accidentally flew to New Zealand?
      Steph: Okay... it was a freak accident.
      Michelle: (whispers to Steph) I don't think they bought it.
      (Steph gives her a "be quiet" look)
      Danny: You two aren't supposed to cross the street, let alone the Pacific!
      • Grounded in their rooms.
      Steph: Any more questions?
      Michelle: Yes, why do grown-ups have hair up their noses?note 
      (Steph rolls her eyes)

      DJ: I have a question. Are you nuts? What made you get into a plane to New Zealand?
      Michelle: That's two questions.
    • Danny asks everyone to give him and DJ space to talk:
    Becky: Let's go call Aunt Ida.
    Jesse: Why? (Becky grabs his arm) Ow! That's why.
    Becky: You too. (grabs Joey's arm)
    Joey: Ow! I don't have an Aunt Ida!
    • Danny: "Coffee is just hot water with beans. But chocolate milk does a body good."
    • When Steph and Michelle learn where the plane is heading:
    Steph: Auckland, New Zealand?
    Michelle: Fourteen hours?
    Both: (as the plane takes off) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
    • Michelle asking a girl:
    Michelle: Are you coming or going?
    (The girl answers in a foreign language)
    Michelle: (rolls her eyes) If you say so.
    Steph: I think she's from another country.
    Michelle: Duh!
  • In "Radio Days", Steph is trying to write a story and Michelle asks if she wants help. She knows how to write "I" and "T".
    Steph: Yeah, that'll be a great story: "It it it it it..."!
    • Then when Stephanie reads what she has written so far about a potato bug sitting and hanging on a leaf...and that’s it:
    Michelle: I liked “it it it...” better!
  • "Trouble in Twin Town":
  • In "Be True to Your Preschool", the girls walk around Kimmy's brother's car to tease a group of nerds for not having a car. But it backfires when they lock themselves out. The nerds get the last laugh as they walk away.
    • They're forced to walk back home, arguing all the way.
    • "This shape has five sides. It's called, uh... a five-side-agon."
    Becky: I think the boys are trying to tell us something.
    Jesse: Yeah, we need softer blocks.
    Becky: Jesse!
  • In "Silence Is Not Golden", Danny accuses Joey of racking up the phone bill.
    Danny: Joey, look at these charges! $2, $4, $8...
    Joey: Danny, I have never called a 976 number in my life!
    (Danny glares at him)
    Joey: Okay, once, I tried that dating service. But I stopped right after I got my Aunt Frieda!
  • In "The House Meets The Mouse, Part 1", Michelle takes her princess role too seriously.
    Steph: Why are we letting the little half-pint tell us what to do?
    Michelle: Maybe because you didn't see the crown on my head!
    Steph: If your head gets any bigger it's gonna fall off.
    DJ: Conference.
    [DJ, Steph, and Kimmy step away]
    Steph: I can't take it anymore! This princess thing is out of control!
    DJ: You're right. She's getting way too bossy.
    Michelle: (listening in) Who needs them? (walks away)
    Kimmy: Yeah. What's her problem, anyway? She's treating us like we're the ugly stepsisters.
    Steph: Kimmy... Nah! Too easy.
    Kimmy: What do you mean by that?
    Steph: What I mean is you're absolutely the ugly—
    [Steph and Kimmy start arguing.]
    • Michelle cut in front of Steph to rub the lamp.
    • Danny tries to ask Vicky to marry him, but he just couldn't get a word in edgewise.
    Danny: Vicky I gotta tell you something quick before someone else does. Vicky, I—
    Waitress: (handing him a phone) Mr. Tanner, you've got a call.
    Danny: Of course I do.
  • "The House Meets The Mouse, Part 2"
    • Joey spots a shark swimming around the underwater radio station and becomes freaked out.
    Joey: Some people are afraid of the dark. Some people are afraid of heights. Some people are afraid of eggs.
    Jesse: Don't worry, Joey. We're safe in here-- Eggs?
    [Joey shrugs]

    Jesse: Becky is waiting for me! It's time to face your fears and find out what you're made of!
    Joey: What if I'm made of shark food?!
    Jesse: Sit down and put on your fins!
    • Chip 'n Dale ate Jesse and Becky's lunch.
    Jesse: Rodents!
    • After seeing Steve as various Disney characters due to missing him:
    DJ: Indiana Jones is so brave and handsome. He reminds me of Steve.
    Kimmy: Huey, Dewey, and Louie remind you of Steve.
    • "My name is someone. I mean, my name is Danny."

Season 7 (In which the writers realize that the Danny/Vicky storyline is too confusing)

  • Stephanie: Just the wind? Just the wind?! It's never JUST THE WIND!
  • The cement truck scene from "The Apartment" even funnier is how Joey is just sitting there the whole time listening to his cassette, somehow it was loud enough to make him unable to hear the chute crashing through the window.
  • When Danny, hyper from taste-testing coffee all day, is failing to get the cappuccino machine started the night Jesse's nightclub opens:
    Jesse: Danny, I told you, just read! The! Instructions!
  • In "The Day of the Rhino":
    Steph: I think I saw an 800 number in the package.
    Michelle: We don't have time to dial 800 numbers!
    • Also, the For Inconvenience, Press "1" sequence: Specific complaints the Rigby the Rhino hotline addresses include "if your Rigby pen is leaking" and "if your Rigby sticker turned everything in the washing machine orange". The appalled Joey notes, "Well, cross those off my Christmas list!" As for disappointment with the size of the Rigby toy the girls have called about, pressing that number gets the automated response: "It's not the size of your Rigby that counts, it's the fun you bring to it!"
  • The entirety of the Incredibly Fantastic Discoveries informercial in "The Prying Game".
  • "Bicycle Thief"
    • Danny trying to stop Mrs. Caruthers from entering the kitchen where the stolen bikes are, not knowing the bikes are already upstairs. He ran to the kitchen before her...
    Danny: Wait! Don't go in there! Move em! Move em! Move... [finds only Kimmy in the kitchen] "Movin' on up! To the East Side! To the de-luxe apartment in the sky!" Boy I missed The Jeffersons, don't you? How many Lionels were there?
    Mrs. Caruthers: One mystery at a time, Mr. Tanner.
    • This dialogue:
      Steph: Guys, check this out! Three other pink bikes got swiped!
      Kimmy: That's why we're here, small fry!
      Steph: How comforting, slim-jim.
    • Also this one:
      Steve: Little Ruthie Bell went in to get her very first library card, and some goon napped her bike. Says here said she lost her zest for reading.
      Danny: She's zestless?!
      • More hilarious, earlier, when Danny realized he stolen the girl's bike near the library, he worries she'll be traumatized to the point of losing interest in reading.
    • The police sketch of Uncle Jesse.
      D.J.: Look at this guy who took the Schultz's bike! He looks exactly like Uncle Je—
      Danny: Uncle Seymour! Hey, he looks exactly like Uncle Seymour. If he weren't a priest in Athens, he would be a suspect. Yes he would. (whispering) Take these up to Uncle Seymour.
      Steph: Who?
      Danny: Just do it.
      • D.J., Steve, and Steph went up to Michelle's room to find Jesse and Joey with three pink bikes.
      Steph: What are these bikes doing here?
      D.J.: You're Uncle Seymour!
      Steve: Wait, I thought he was in Greece.
      Jesse: (looking at his description) Doesn't look anything like me! The sideburns are totally unbalanced!
      Michelle: Well, I better go pack up.
      Steph: Where are you going?
      Michelle: The slammers!
    • Mrs. Caruthers "interrogating" Danny.
      Danny: For the 100th time, I don't know anything!
      Mrs. Caruthers: I don't believe you!
      Danny: It's the truth, I tell ya!
      Mrs. Caruthers: You mean to tell me... that Joey’s never mentioned me, not even in passing?
    • Lenard gives Jesse a lift.
  • In "Support Your Local Parents", Danny begins interrogating Stephanie and Michelle as to why they are being extra greedy from DJ, and Michelle's confession of something else entirely and Danny's subsequent response are priceless.
    Danny: Y'know, it can only mean one thing.
    Michelle: I did it! I used your toothbrush to brush Comet's teeth!
    Danny: Ugh! Okay, it can only mean two things, but we're gonna talk about that one later.
    • After Danny learns the truth about DJ's ticket and being blackmailed, he comes up with this as punishment:
    Danny: D.J., for the next to weekends, you can only use the car to take Stephanie and Michelle wherever they want to go.
    D.J.: But Dad, that's not fair!
    Stephanie: I think it's perfectly fair!
    Danny: Oh, but keep listening. You're gonna love this next part. Stephanie and Michelle, for the next two weekends, you two are grounded.
    Danny: [smirking] Y'see, that's the fair part.
    • In the main plot, Jesse and Rebecca try to get Nicky and Alex to socialize with other kids, but nothing sees to work. Rebecca gets Jesse to go to a support group, where they encounter a couple with teenage twins named Phil ("spelled differently"). When the wife remarks it was the husband (Phil Sr.) who named them, he responds with, "Shut up, Phyllis."

Season 8 (In which Duane ruined it for everyone, although there's debate that it was DJ's love triangle)

  • "Comet's Excellent Adventure":
    • Michelle explaining where Comet ran away to.
    Michelle: He went that way chasing a humongous wiener!
    Steph: Yeah right, with a real giant bun.
    Michelle: You saw it too?
    Steph: Stop it, okay?

    Michelle: Jesse said I could walk him and he ran away chasing a giant hot dog.
    Steph: Would you stop with the stupid story already?
    Michelle: I told you for the millionth, it's true!
    DJ: Look, I don't care if he was chasing a giant fruit cup!
    Michelle: Why would he chase a fruit cup? He likes hot dogs.
    DJ: Whatever!
    • Steph sees the car with the giant hotdog:
    Steph: I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
    Michelle: That's okay. One time I lied to you and you did believe me.

    Steph: (to Danny) At first I didn't believe her, but that's okay, it makes up for a time she lied to me and I believed her.
    • Jesse: "I should have known! The first rule of physics: idiots and electronics don't mix!"
      • After realizing he gave Michelle permission to walk Comet. "I'm an idiot." *a spark from an amplifier*
  • "Super Bowl Fun Day"
    DJ: Excuse me for just one second. (runs over to the living room door) SHUT UP!! (comes back in and smiles nervously) I just had to clear my throat there.

    College interviewer: What are you guys are doing here?
    Bartender: It's because of Beavis and Butt-Head!
    Jesse: Don't blame Beavis. (points at Joey) It's all Butt-Head's fault.
    • Then Joey does a laugh while imitating Butt-Head and everyone reacts by throwing food at him.
    • The revelation that the lady who had arrived to interview DJ for a college scholarship is a super bowl fan herself. She proceeds to cut the interview short so that she can watch the game with the guys.
    • The kids give Joey Puppy-Dog Eyes except for the grimace-faced Aaron (which Jesse covers up).
  • In "My Left and Right Foot", Jesse is worried Becky's bad singing would ruin their good-night song.
    Joey: That's not a problem. A problem is having your butt falling off.
    Jesse: (beat) What?!
    Joey: Well... you'd be out of the mooning business, I don't know.
    Jesse: SIT DOWN!
  • From "You Pet It, You Bought It" we have this gem:
    Neighbor: (in reaction to Shorty the donkey's braying) WHATEVER THAT IS, I'M GONNA SHOOT IT!
  • From "Under The Influence"
    • Jesse is attempting to teach Nicky and Alex about forgiveness, with Joey's help, with both of them "forgiving" each other after putting leftover fish goo all over each other.
  • From "Michelle Rides Again"
    • After Michelle regains her memory, the first sign she gives the family is when she tells the twins that she didn't lend them a stuffed animal. Their reaction? "Busted!"
  • During "Breaking Away," Stephanie refuses to clean up her side of the room to protest Danny's rules and lets things get messier, Michelle can't stand it and tries moving into DJ's room. DJ protests to Danny, but he clearly doesn't want to deal with their arguing when he walks in.
    Danny: Okay, who was ever wrong last time, you're right this time. Let's have dinner.
    • After hearing the situation, Danny intends to use subtle psychology on Stephanie.
      Michelle: What's subtle psychology?
      Danny: [off-screen] LOOK AT THIS ROOM! YOU CALL THIS CLEAN?!
      DJ: Not that.


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