Relive Half-Life while listening to the thoughts of its protagonist in...Freeman's Mind
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Episode 0 (Hazard Course)
- "So, I'm the one who gets to go through training... Ass. Slap-age."
- "Hmm, bar-cage window... [tries door, locked] Ah, this must be the gimp closet, for after hours. I don't think I'm gonna come back here. Too many weirdos."
- "The only reason I'm here is because everyone else on the team is too damned frail to do any physical activity whatsoever. So, because I can lift a box, I'm automatically the lab gofer."
- Gordon mocks the poor scripting of the hologram, which instructs him to press a button that will reset the lesson before actually explaining what pressing it will do.
- Gordon sees an entire panel watching him an assumes they'll start holding up scorecards.
Freeman: I expect 10s. I better see 10s.
- More 'basic' training:
Holographic Assistant: Walk directly into the ladder, look up, and continue moving forward. If you want to come back down, just move backward.
Freeman: 'To wipe your ass, first orient your hand behind yourself, then move it forward... or backward.' Honestly, who doesn't know how to use a ladder? I mean, it's a LADDER! Somehow, I don't think this program is designed for the gifted."
- "I still want a hologram, though. How cool would it be to set one up in the lab, so that when one of the scientists walks in, sits down, starts working, I have a hologram of a homeless guy run up and try and stab them with a knife. People would be spilling their coffee, that's for sure. I could hide some speakers to make an audio clip sync up with the hologram. Then they would hear the bum's footsteps and him going 'Nyeeeeeaaaaagh!' People would crap their pants, man! I'd need a hidden camera, too."
- The conclusion of 'Jump Training':
Now that you're up here, there's only one way down. Freeman: (Looking around)
Find the target on the floor below, and do your best to hit it. Freeman: What. Hologuide:
If you take any damage from the fall, we will administer medical care at the next station. Freeman:
Is this a joke? They want me to jump from this height onto flat concrete?!
There must be a typo with the instructions or something that no one corrected. I could climb down, but they want me to hit that target. I'm not doing that, that's retarded! So... I guess I failed the "lemming" portion of the test, but hopefully that's not required to pass the whole course. Well, training's over! I think I'll get out of here and go take my lunch break. (pause)
I'll just tell everyone I passed training. Nobody's going to check this.
- "I always wanted to be an Evil Scientist... [Maniacal Laughter] Okay, I better chill out; I don't want a repeat of Monday."
- Walking past a laser tube: "LASER! ...Caution ...LASER! ...Caution ...LASER! ...Caution ...LASER! ... What could it mean?"
- "Oh yeah, that's busted alri-" [BLAM] "Woah! Damn Cyrix processors; you go with the lowest bidder, and look what happens."
- "Does my beard intimidate you?"
- When two scientists use Retinal Scanners to open the Test Chamber for Dr. Freeman:
Ahh, stop that noise!
I hate that! It reminds me of that dream I have where I'm strapped to a gurney watching Fraggle Rock
with flashing lights on either side of me, then I realize: I'm in Hell! It's all crap anyway. The only reason they we have those scanners is because they caught me playing racquet ball in here once.
- "Roger, Roger, what's your vector, Victor?"
- "I like climbing things. It appeals to my simian instincts. And also, makes me regret how I have no tail. Damn my genes; I have no tail, and I must swing..."
- Times like this, I remember why I became a physicist: to show anti-matter particles WHO'S BOSS! YEAH!!
- Man, I hope we get some good readings today; depending on what we find, we might just disprove string theory. That would make my day... and I wouldn't be gracious about it, either; I'd rub people's faces in it!
- This is a bad experiment! We are bad people! Why did we usher forth the green apocalypse?!
What happened? What is this? Am I dead? I don't feel dead... but how would I know?! ...If this is what it's like to be dead, then being dead sucks! Oh, shit!
That's the ceiling! WHERE'S MY HELMET!?!
"...What the fuck...?
Who are you? ...No! I don't wanna be a schizophrenic!" [Just as the video is fading out and the studio logo is shown]
"Oh my God, this is crazy-in-a-box with a side order of fries..."
- "Follow the dead body road! Follow the dead body road! Follow, follow, foll— damn! Look at all that blood!"
- Followed by Gordon contemplating how much money he could make selling the blood, organs and/or cadavers.
- "Oh, good. more blood! I was starting to get worried! God, what happened? This guy looks like he got hit by a steamroller!"
- Immediately after his organ/blood/cadaver-selling musing:
Freeman: (turns corner and sees zombies) "Oh no, it's the ghosts of those two guys coming back to haunt me! Oh, wait, they're just monsters. Uhhh, what do I do? Oh, I know, I'll stand still! They'll pass by me 'cause they don't have any eyes!" (zombie turns to attack him) "AAAAH! Damnit, how'd they see me?! That is so unfair! They don't even have any eyes!"
- Upon discovering the entry door to the Sector is locked:
"Oh, you've got
to be shitting me. I'm gonna sue the hell out of Black Mesa when I get out of here! Locking your workers in? That's what the Triangle Shirtwaist factory
did! Locked its workers in, then there was a fire
, then everybody died! That's a formula for success. Damn it! We're making history right now - crap history! [smashes console with crowbar, door opens]
What? Ha-ha! I am incredible. Is there any end to the number of problems that I can solve just by beating the hell out of something? I'm not sure there is!
- That's how I say "Open Sesame"... with a crowbar to the face!
- Trying to save a scientist:
Freeman: Give me your hand! [Scientist falls to his death, screaming] Freeman:
No, your other
hand, you idiot! [splat] Freeman:
Aah, you suck
! Now you're dead and I still
can't get out of here! Thanks for nothing! Why does everyone have to keep dying on me? Is it really so hard to just not die? I mean, look at me! I was in the chamber at freaking ground zero and I'm still here! Yet you guys slip on a banana peel and that's it! Ugh. Darwin
was right. I didn't realize I was working with a bunch of lemmings.
- "I'll go around so I don't have to walk in the blood, but at the rate I'm going, I'll be knee-deep in it before I get outta here..."
- Freeman contemplating whether or not the Programmers were killed by the aliens, or simply "raved themselves to death."
- "Escape From Techno Hell!"
- "He-hey, gunshots! 'Where there's a gun, there's fun!' ...Or not."
- "Welp, time to play God. Let's see people disrespect me now. They'll find out what happens when they mess with The Freeman."
- A computer crushes a headcrab.
Freeman: YES! HAHAHA! My enemy is the enemy of my other enemy.
- "It's the same story every time! You give people the benefit of the doubt and they try to kill you!"
- "Okay, that's it; it's official: All aliens are bastards!"
- After spotting a scientist hiding in a dumpster:
Freeman: "Hey, a Jack-in-the-Box!"
- Dealing with a zombie:
Freeman: "You know how when they say you're part of the help or part of the problem? Well, they were talking about you! [kills it] There. Now you're part of the solution."
- "White men in armored Hazmat suits can't jump"
- "Uh-oh, train's leaving the station. All aboard!" *Headcrabs leap out* "No, not you! You don't have a ticket!"
- "Damn, this suit does not protect against gravity." [....] "Facehuggers! Okay, batter up. Strike one. Strike two. Strike- AAAH! It's raining men! I mean aliens!"
- "Why is this taking so long?! I could fall faster than this!"
- "No! Shut up! No-one cares about your opinion! You have no rights! You're all illegal immigrants! Now just do what you're told and jump off this giant meat grinder! No! You're doing it wrong! You're all incompetent!"
- Directly after this, when he walks onto a catwalk that promptly breaks underneath him, "WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT HAPPENED?!!"
- "Okay, now I have some options. I can either fall to my death in this black pit, land on the edge and gore myself on jagged metal mesh, or land on the concrete and maybe break my legs! And before all I had was the pit."
- Cthulhu Dogs.
- After encountering another broken catwalk:
Freeman: Hey, a rope! Now I can be Tarzan!
[imitates Tarzan yell, sees the "rope" belongs to a barnacle]
Freeman: Hey, wait, that's not a rope! These are, like, jellyfish or something. If I swung on that, it could come crashing down on me. These aliens are just good for nothing.
[jumps off catwalk, lands on a crate]
Freeman: These crates are good for something. That one just broke my fall. That means aliens are worth less than crates! Which is, what, a few dollars?
- "Wow. I wasn't expecting this. This must be our box-smashing room. I mean, what? We have a bottomless pit, and the sides are all plate metal that looks strong enough to withstand a missile blast. This room must have cost a couple hundred thousand to build. Eat your heart out, taxpayers! This is where your money goes!"
- "What's up with this ceiling?"
- Extreme Hopscotch
- "Good old New Mexico! We're really making a name for the state. First they invented the atomic bomb at Los Alamos, and now we've invented mean-ass aliens that teleport out of nowhere! I don't know which is worse! When they invented the atomic bomb they were afraid it was going to catch the atmosphere on fire and burn up the whole Earth, but they did it anyway. That took balls. Not us, though. The only people taking the risks were the ones who didn't understand them in the first place. We're not brave, we're just stupid."
- "Wow, we picked the wrong contractor to build these catwalks... 'El Sleazo's Discount Construction: Bribing building inspectors for over 40 years!' "
- "Huh. We've got so many dead bodies now, we're hanging them from the ceiling." [Body pulled up out of sight] "And then the ceiling eats them. I guess that works..."
- "[reading sign] 'Work harder, not smarter.' Yeah, that's us alright! We stay the course with stupid."
- Freeman watching a shorted-out ceiling light:
[Headcrab gets zapped]
Freeman: Wha-ho! That shock took out a Face-hugger!
[Another Headcrab electrocuted]
Freeman: And another one! Will this guy make it?
[Third Headcrab shocked]
Freeman: Noooo... You are all popcorn!
- "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!"
- "Crate City: For all your creative crate needs!"
- "Y'know, this reminds me of the time I came home from school, and there was some dead guy stuck in the smashed window of my apartment. He'd been trying to break in, but instead gutted himself on the insulated glass. That was not fun trying to explain that to the police..."
- "I'm kind of like glass in a way. I'll tear people to shreds when I can't do my job."
- Firing a gun inside the air-vent.
- "[discovers an untried door] Okay, let's... [door locked] "...cry. This locked door thing is getting real old."
- After killing some headcrabs in the ceiling:
Freeman: What are aliens doing up here, anyway? I guess they must have teleported in, but how do they know where to go? Oh, maybe they don't. Maybe they're teleporting into the walls. That could be why the building's falling apart. We're turning into the Swiss Cheese of the Damned.
- While pinned down by an automated turret gun:
Hey, want to be my human shield? Scientist:
Shut up! Freeman:
Just an idea! [looks around corner]
No, just a dead end... maybe I could force him out there if I waved my gun at him... Scientist:
Nuhh... Freeman: Shit, did I say that out loud?
- In an unrelated headcrab-smashing incident:
Freeman: OK, children, class is in session! Everyone take your seat! [begins whaling on headcrabs with crowbar] I said 'Everyone take your SEAT'! Dammit Billy, that means you too! TAKE YOUR SEAT!!! Now, today's lesson is on- ...wait, what am I doing?
- "[finds guard] Hey, can I have your gun? I thought it would be cool to shoot people with two pistols like I'm in a John Woo movie or something. [Beat] Uh... fine. Don't say anything, you freak. [sees dead headcrabs] Oh, I guess he was using it. Still, one gun is fun, but two is Woo-tastic!
- Freeman watches two scientists try to escape through the ventilation system:
Oh, trying the vent thing, huh? [The scientists scream and die; organs pour out of the vent] Freeman:
Ugh, you dumbasses! You can't go through the fan blades
! Some people just have to learn things the hard way.
- "I'll kill every one of you bastards! All I need are bullets! We have a lot of bullets here! EARTH. IS A MINERAL. RICH. PLANET! I BET YOURS SUCKS!"
- After nearly being eaten by a barnacle in the presence of a scientist:
Freeman: What the fuck!?! Now I'm covered in blood! My hair... this is gonna jam my gun! [to scientist] And what about you!? Enjoying the show!?!
Scientist: I just heard a secure-access transmission. Soldiers have arrived, and they're coming to rescue us. Of course, I have my doubts that we'll live long enough to greet them.
Freeman: Yeah, thanks for the warning, asshole! I really appreciate how you stood there staring at me, not doing a goddamn thing! You're like a cat watching a mouse die!
- Freeman gets shot in the ear by a turret gun AND vomited on by a barnacle, and later gets some first aid near a guard.
Freeman: Ah, first aid. Yeah, need some gauze...
Guard: I'll bet that stings a bit.
Freeman: Yeah, no shit, Skippy. I've got more blood on me than an axe murderer. I'd be arrested if I were to approach a child looking like this.
- Upon seeing his first Exit Sign since the start of the series:
Freeman: Oh! An "Exit" sign! It's about bloody time.
Freeman: Okay, remain calm...
[bashes door with crowbar, glass doesn't break]
Freeman: Jesus! Okay, we'll take this to the next level.
Freeman: What the fuck? We installed bulletproof glass in our exit doors? That stuff's not cheap! How retarded are we!? I don't know anymore!
- Attacked by a multitude of Headcrabs near the end of the episode:
Freeman: Oh my God, this was NOT APPROVED BY THE COMMITTEE! I'M NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT! NO COMMENT!
- After being shot at by a turret gun:
Freeman: Why is the building trying to kill me? I'm an EMPLOYEE! YOU DON'T SHOOT YOUR EMPLOYEES! [starts shooting Headcrabs] YOU ARE NOT EMPLOYEES!
- "Brooahhh! Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee! It's not as strong as methamphetamine, but it lets you keep your teeth."
- Seeing a scientist running for his life:
Freeman: Heyyy, where's the party?
[Headcrab leaps at his face]
Freeman: Oh God! Okay, lead the way! Where're we going?
[Scientist retreats to a corner of the next room]
Freeman: What!? You're gonna hide in the corner? What're you, five years old!?
[Shoots a Bullsquid]
Freeman: Man, now I'm almost out of bullets. Are you happy? I'm not! You know what? You can stay in the corner. You've earned it. I'm gonna come back with a dunce cap for you, and you're gonna wear it!
- "I'm probably carrying a few blood-borne diseases on my suit. I'm a walking C.D.C. nightmare. It makes me want to hug someone."
- "I'M NOT A GERBIL!"
- GIMMIE SOME DORITOS! Says the doctor while unsuccessfully trying to break the glass.
Episode 10.5 (April Fool's Day)
- "Feeling up dead people is how you get germs."
- "Call me Ali Baba. Open Sesame!" (fires three times at a door to no effect) "Fine, then— Close Sesame! Man, 3 rounds of buckshot point blank... what the hell? It's like one of those doors in Looney Tunes where they blow up the building, but the door's still standing."
- Gordon's death. When he makes the running leap for the ladder and misses...
I should get a running start, though. This right here is why you should eat Wheaties in the morning...I guess any
breakfast is better for you than the two shots of vodka
that I had. Whatever; let's do this! (starts running)
Hoogasaka, hoogasaka, hoo—(leaps, fails to grab the ladder, starts plummeting) Oh shit oh SHIT OH SHIT
—(SPLAT!) (Flatlining noise) HEV Voice: HEV activated. Automatic medical systems engaged. Major fracture detected. Internal bleeding detected. Emergency! User death imminent.
- Freeman experiences a minor case of déjà vu, which he chooses to attribute to him eating some bad nachos from the vending machine:
Freeman: I need to find a phone so I can call their hotline and tell 'em I got bad nachos... and that the building's being attacked by aliens.
- "Well, there can't be anything good in that office if that guy was diving out of the window. I guess that means I have to take the elevator. [Beat; notices the elevator is out of order] I GUESS THAT MEANS I HAVE TO TAKE THE ELEVATOR."
- "Now why is there no ladder here? The other elevator shaft had a ladder here! It was progressive!"
- "So, my only way out of here is to take some flying Leap of Faith like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then claw like a mad cat, and hope like hell I get a grip and don't break my ribs! Once again, I need a grappling hook. I can't believe this. Why do you have a ladder in an elevator shaft? To fix the elevator! How do you get to the ladder? You take the elevator that doesn't work! Who thought this one up?! Jesus Christ! I suppose I could do the math on whether this jump is feasible or not, but, you know... we'll have plenty of time for that when I'm dead."
- "Ohhh, my God, that was stupid! Why do I keep doing stupid things?! Oh my Guh- I could've died!"
- Freeman's ongoing battle versus the indiscriminate Turret Guns.
- A timely intercom announcement makes for great comedy.
Gordon: I think that intercom just said "Turret Maintenance to Central Command". Yeah, they have a few things to answer for. Like why our turrets are killing everyone in the building.
- Discovering the Submachine Gun — it's not just for party tricks!
Gordon: Now I can solve 800 problems per minute.
- "Your side is the one where everybody's dead and there are no exits! My side is filled with hope, love, and submachine guns!"
- "Come play with us Gordon... forever, and ever, and ever..."
- "Quit staring at me! ...Yeah, you!"
- Freeman dodges laser tripmines that could set of the sentry turrets and kill him, while two scientists calmly stare at him. After he gets past the lasers, there's only one thing on their minds:
Scientist: Do you know who ate all the donuts?
- Gordon meets the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit marines (HECUs):
Scientist: Rescued at last! Thank God you're here!
Freeman: Aww, yeah, the rescue team!
[HECU guns down the scientist]
Freeman: ...Or, um, what? Okay, I can understand shooting someone running at you screaming, but I don't know... this feels shady. Is there another way out of here? I think this guy's in a bad mood. Well... all right, fine, I'll try and go make friends, even though that always ends up the same way. [looks again] See, he's not even trying to plant a gun on him or hide the body. That's a bad sign, like this is just another day of work for him. I'll at least give him some warning, so I don't jump on him. Hey, killer, what's up?
[HECU opens fire]
Freeman: Ah! Dammit, diplomacy sucks!
[Marine pursues and shoots him]
Freeman: Ow! [Gordon shoots and kills marine] Hey, man, what's your problem!?! Why are you shooting everyone!? I'm taking this gun away from you, mister! You're obviously not mature enough to handle it! Now you sit there and think about what you've done!
- Freeman's already been shot at by one soldier, and is starting to have doubts...
Scientist: Don't shoot, I'm with the science team!
Freeman: Hey, me too! But you go on first just in case they're not cool with that.
[The scientist gets shot dead.]
Freeman: Yeah, see, I'm just getting some bad vibes here...
- "I HAVE A DOCTOR'S DEGREE!" * BANG!* "You guys are dicks..."
- Freeman's 'conscience' again:
So yeah, I'm killing people now... but that was not murder! It was totally self-defense. Just because I had a submachine gun doesn't change anything; it just lets me defend more efficiently. I haven't murdered anyone — well, not today anyway...
- Gordon meets another squad of HECU marines:
Freeman: Oh, no. So, are we gonna play nice, or—
[Gordon guns down the soldiers]
Freeman: Nope. Well, looks like my armor is better than yours! And I'll just loot your bodies, 'cause that's how I roll... and that puts me at six or seven counts of "self-defense."
- Shortly after:
Freeman: I think murder used to be legal in Texas... if it was in your house, and your wife was having sex with another man. Maybe you also had to be drunk.
- "Heeyyyy! Surface Access! YES!!"
- "I'm gonna get so drunk tonight, like, way more than usual. Yeah! It's the surface! PARTY! PAR- [Spots two HECU marines] Dammit! It's the fun police!"
- Fighting HECU marines:
- "THIS IS THE WORST RESCUE OPERATION IN HISTORY!!!!!!!"
- "Shooting people isn't very nice!"
- In what is possibly one of the best quotes from anything ever, when shooting at the soldiers outside... "Give peace a chance! Or at least stand still!"
- Freeman decides he "should've been a Tour Guide.":
Freeman: Follow me.
[Headcrab sneaks up on him]
Freeman: You can't follow me! You don't have any money! That's the whole point!
- "I want some Cheetos."
- "You can't get away with that kind of crap in physics. You have to have cold serious math to back up your theories. ...Well, except for the String Theory crowd. Those guys are a bunch of cultists. I think Steve and Richard sacrificed goats, that's why I was never allowed to come to their cook-outs."
- Gordon is trying to figure out how many he's killed by this stage.
Gordon: So how many is that? Thirteen? I'm losing count and I don't think the cops are gonna buy a dozen kills with a submachine gun as self-defense.
- Gordon discovers he's back with the same two blankly staring scientists from the last episode:
Gordon: Those two have gotten more done just standing there than I have running across this whole facility leaving a trail of bodies!
- "Unlike my colleagues, I have a tendency to stay alive. Since this morning, I've been bitten, shot, bombed, electrocuted, almost drowned, almost fallen to my death, and strangled. Rasputin wasn't so lucky! But, here I am, exposing myself to radiation. Why not? Let's add to the list: maybe I can get burned, stabbed, and poisoned before the day is done."
- Gordon is crawling through pipes, rambling about how awesome it would be to have pneumatic pipes connecting his house to his...favorite locations.
Freeman: Actually, I always wished I could just hop in a giant pneumatic tube that would take me from my home to work, or to the liquor store, the pharmacy, chemical supply warehouse. It would be really efficient. [Jumps out of pipe] I am a gopher!
- On the subject of radiation:
- "I hate awkward pauses like this..." [BLAM] "And of course, I'm the one who has to break the ice..."
- Almost immediately afterward, he shoots a Houndeye about to attack him and sends it flying up into the air!
Freeman: Ah hah hah hah! Today's lesson is on muzzle energy and momentum!
- "MONKEY ON A STICK! WE'RE GETTING FINGERED BY GODZILLA!"
- Freeman finally finds an excuse to use his grenade collection:
- "That's right; I bang, you bang, we all bang together..."
- Freeman contemplates Nietzsche:
- On the contemplation of Military Spending:
- Fighting Headcrab Zombies:
Freeman: Oh, someone thinks they're smarter than me... I don't need to dignify this.
[shotguns a zombie]
Freeman: "You don't even have a degree! Well, your host bodies have degrees around here, but you're just latching onto that! That's even worse than one of those online degrees! You're parasites in every way!"
- Freeman breaks open the door; creates an artificial vacuum. All because he wanted to throw the dead zombies into the fan-blades.
- "Stop persecuting me... all of you... jus'... stop..."
- "I've got shit to DOOOO!" Just the way he says it cracks me up.
- "Goddamnit, this is that same door that wouldn't open. I've gone in circles AGAIN!"
- Freeman's "sea turtle" plan.
- Start at 5:00.
- Freeman's scientific sensibility starts to wear out:
Freeman: Is that a pixie? Science hasn't disproven the existence of pixies!
- Then he realizes it's just a blue light.
Freeman: This whole place is built on deception!
- "I climbed my way to safety! I AM A MONKEY GOD!" [cue monkey-like sounds]
- Ah, tick-tick-tock. Is that the sound of a Geiger counter or my lifespan counting down? It's both! That's right. Here at Black Mesa, when we talk about "half-life," we mean it in more ways than one. So make your peace, and come to Black Mesa. Here, you'll win a chance to fight freaks of nature, escape countless safety hazards, wander aimlessly for hours, and die scared, tired, and alone!
- Freeman discovering the spinning cart thing
Freeman: "What's this do?" (presses button to make cart move) "Woah! Nyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyow! That was awesome, let's do it again!" (presses button and whistles a falling tone) "Again!" (presses button and whistles a rising tone) Again! Eh, better not! I can do this all day!
- Freeman calmly and happily dubs a hiding scientist "Mister Fantastic", pulls a Verbal Backspace, and settles on calling him "Doctor Amazing". For no apparent reason (then again, it could just be Freeman being Freeman).
- "This is getting to be a chore, y'know? 'Wash the dishes, do the laundry, shoot the Snot Thing, empty the trash..."
- Freeman laments gravity:
Freeman: "Goddammit-Earth's-gravity-shouldn't-even-be-this-strong-for-a-planet-our-size. It's-only-this-way-because-there-are-so-many-metals-in-the-core-increasing-the-overall-density-and- oh fuck I'm gonna have to jump."
- "Life sucks sober!"
- "I mean it's not like I just came down the wrong corridor like I sometimes do. No, it's-" [activates spinning cart-thing] "WEEEEEEEEE!!" [cart stops] "It's worse than that. (looks up) Hey that looks kinda cool! I want a giant metal spider fortress!"
- Freeman has a close encounter with hypnotism:
Scientist: Excellent! Someone has restored all power. We'll have the engine up again in no time.
Freeman: Yeah, that room's dangerous, did you know that? It's a good thing I made it back OK. [stares at spinning dial] I was gonna... yeah, the... yes, master... no, stop! You can't kill me, so you're gonna try to control me, is that it? I'll never do your bidding! I've got a doctor's degree!
- "Wait, how'm I gonna get out of here? ...I should've thought about this sooner..."
- After being forced to leap yet another chasm:
Freeman: "Okay, I rock! NOW STOP MAKING ME PROVE IT!"
- Freeman considers the tentacle monster as being a small part of a much larger creature:
Freeman: It's wearing me and this facility as a hat. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
- Taking out the giant alien in episode 19 that's been haunting him, also doubling as a Moment of Awesome:
"Hey, the lights are on!" (hits the Test Fire button, warning klaxon goes off) "Hey, it's doing something! Did somebody fix this? Wait...what did I just do?" (giant alien gets incinerated by the rocket jet firing) OH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE HEAT, GET OUT OF THE ROCKET PROPULSION TEST CHAMBER! HA HA HA HA! BURN! BURN! BURN!!! Physics rules!"
- "Ugh. It smells like butt-rock in here."
- Freeman tries to understand Causality:
Freeman: Where is everybody? They're not up there. The guard's gone. I think I remember some explosives here. Now there's just scorch marks... bloodstain... and this is after firing that rocket... huh.
- Moving onward and... downward:
Freeman: Hey, that's a ladder! That means this is legit—this might go somewhere! I mean, it probably leads to a room filled with poison gas and a bunch of dead people that look just like me, but I don't know that, so there's room for hope, I guess.
- On the subject of his previous monster theory:
Freeman: "I was afraid I was going to look down there and see this giant eyeball looking up at me, angry at me 'cause I blew off its eyelashes or something. Then the whole building starts shaking and I guess I'd just ball up and cry. 'Cause what do you do when something that big wants to kill you?"
- Freeman reconsiders his plan to do a Long-drop cannonball into a pool of water. And decides it was awesome anyway.
- "Awwright! I'm making a lot of progress for not knowing where the hell I'm going!"
- Seeing the river of Sludge:
- Radiation: The Gift That Keeps On Giving!
- "Seriously, for what I've been through today, the next room should contain, like, strippers and party balloons. Champagne. Something along those lines."
- "Heeeyy! You dumb shits are FINALLY ATTACKING THE ALIENS!!! That's...that's a big one. You know what? I'm just gonna let you guys handle it; I have total faith in you. Go Army! Or Marines...or whatever you guys are."
- Noticing a burning gas-leak:
Freeman: Wow, that looks hot. I want some marshmallows.
[Vortiguants teleport in]
Freeman: [Shooting the Vortiguants] What the hell are you looking at? I don't have any marshmallows and even if I did I wouldn't give any to you! They're MINE! Everything's MINE!
[Takes a few steps forward; catwalk collapses.]
Freeman: AHH! Well this facility's not mine. I thought I wanted it but now I don't.
- "Here's Johnny!"
- a headcrab falls from the ceiling:
Freeman: Where did that come from? Dropped from the ceiling!
[Turns around and sees a cranny hidden in the roof]
Freeman: Oh. Man, you can hide some drugs in there. I don't see any. The aliens must have eaten them.
- "I'm not going to deal with this now. It's like the classic debate of why measuring the position of an electron changes its momentum and vice-versa. The only correct answer is to get drunk and set fire to things."
- "Man, if I get indicted once I leave here, this is getting harder and harder to explain. I don't think anyone's gonna buy a few dozen counts of self-defense with a submachine gun. I think there's kind of an unspoken rule in our society that if this many people are trying to kill you, you're supposed to be dead. I need to talk to an attorney. Maybe there's some sort of Rambo clause. But wait, Rambo goes to prison after the first movie. Fuck!"
- Freeman working on the Generator:
This is ridiculous. The soldiers should be the ones fixing the generator, not me. I'm doing their job, AGAIN. First I'm killing everyone for them, now I'm playing engineer. [A Mawman surprises Gordon] Freeman:
You don't even have a job! You're a vagrant!
- "Work, you antiquated piece of crap."
- Freeman's shaky grasp of electrical theory:
But if that hit me right now, the current would roll around in my body and exit through the top. My head would blow up
like a baked potato wrapped in tin-foil. It would pop off like a Pez container! ...Actually, if it wasn't me, it would be cool to watch if you got that on film. Your hair might catch on fire and it might look like that scene from Scanners
, except this would be the real thing! Then you could sell it as a snuff film and make bundles of money. I know buyers.
- (Sees soldiers coming down the lift) "Oh give me a break!" (run back; distant explosions go off as the soldiers activated the trip mines) "Yeah, should have known better; I fixed the generator, maybe they now they need to come and break it. 'Uh oh, everything's working fine! Better call in the military!'" (Sees the suddenly soldier-less lift) "Wait, where did they go? I didn't imagine them! Hey, there are less lasers now... there's scorch marks... they're gone.... Holy shit, these were trip mines!"
- I brushed with death so often, I should start giving him high fives when I pass.
- "Powerslide! Yeah."
- After being shot at by the military for the eleventy billionth time, he decides to use the strategy of "wait around a corner, let them pass, then shoot" that worked for him so far. But then the soldiers catch on to him...
I'm not gonna stand for it; I worked too hard to get where I am! I graduated from MIT! (gunfire) My diploma's worth more than your life
Screw this; I'm just gonna wait for them to come around the corner again. [A grenade then bounces in just in front of Gordon.] Freeman: (turning and running for his life) OH SHIT! (distant explosion)
Okay, natural selection! The dumb ones are all dead, so the survivors are a little bit smarter!
- Freeman grapples with his fading morality:
Yeah, it's strange. I thought I might start feeling weird about killing all these people, but really I don't. I think it's because they're all pricks and deserve to die.
I'll make a speech at their funerals if someone wants me to. I have no problem with going up to a grieving widow, and telling her I'm sorry for her loss, but her husband was a rat-fuck meathead
who tried to kill me for no goddamn reason, because he was too stupid to learn what the word "civilian" means. If I hadn't put him down,
he probably would have come home later and strangled you in your sleep. And not in the kinky way either...
I know how you base wives are.
- I am not happy right now.
- The dying guard.
Guard: I'll never make it. Y-you'll have to...go on without me!
Freeman: [cheerfully] Can do!
- "Man, I can't fight that thing. It's got longer legs than me. Much long- (It sees him) no."
- Being chased by a Gargantua:
Freeman: "Ok, that's close enough. [Starts shooting] Back, back, back, backbackbackbackAYIYIYIYII!" [Gargantua walks through the electrical arcs Freeman started and explodes] "YES! I MEANT TO DO THAT! Dumb lizard stomping around like he owns the place. That's why the dinosaurs went extinct: ME. The bigger they are, the funner they are to kill."
- Freeman is growing rapidly more displeased with the level of effort he's being asked to invest:
Freeman: "You know, I'm an expert on electricity — on the atomic level, anyway — and this, to me, looks like the power's on. A bit more dramatic than what I was expecting, but still, on. I'm going back up to that train room and finding out what the Hell's going on here. That guard wasn't telling me the whole story. What he meant was "Hey, yeah! All you have to do is pump out all that bilge-water in the generator room, turn the power on to the generator, shoot everyone in sight, then come back around and turn on the DC generator, then go down to the storage room and roll a spool up here, then break out some pliers and electrical tape so you can lay down some HV cable, then just bust through a wall and wire up a new circuit, then do the same thing on the other end of the complex, and yeah, you'll have that train runnin' within the month!"
- But then, he finds another bright side:
Freeman: Of course, the real tragedy is that I didn't bring a camera. If I had been taking pictures, I'd be ready the next time I had to sit through some family members' slideshow. I could whip it out and be like, "Fuck you, your pictures suck! Look at mine: There's me blowing up some bipedal alien the size of a dump truck; Here's me shooting some troops because I'm hardcore, yeah, I think we're done here. You brought this on yourself."
- "Another exciting day in the life of a Forklift Operator!"
- Freeman contemplates putting the wounded guard to good use:
- Reaches the train barricade:
Freeman: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this? You've gotta be fucking kidding. ...Boy, optimists are retards."
- Freeman contemplates his current situation:
Freeman: This reminds me back in High school where we had a Driver's Ed class and the Gym teacher was asking us which was more dangerous; Crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a haystack or crashing a motorcycle at 60mph into a concrete divider. He got mad and started yelling at the class when no one answered. [Stops, moves tram forward] Okay! Time to end my tram-operating career! [Jumps off tram as it moves to ram the blockade] If I were a conductor, this is how I'd want to retire: Just jump off and let the train speed away with everyone on board.
- Driving the tram through a water-logged room.
Freeman: Let's not let the blood-mobile stop here. Man, I wish I could just duck my head into my suit like a turtle. Then I could ride around covered in blood with no head and then they'd have to make stories about me.
- "I'm not an expert in the field, but that sounds to me like the cries of the damned."
- "Oh that's great; I'm playing Jenga with my life..."
- "Bomb shelter parties are the best parties, because the bomb shelter parties don't stop... until everyone's dead."
- To a door:
Freeman: "QUIT. BEING. METAL!!!!" [after fadeout] "If I was a wizard this wouldn't be happening."
- Yet another sanity slip:
Freeman: "I bet we have gnomes down there mining precious metals and gems. I want a gnome[...]I'd put my gnome in a cage and feed him granola. I think they'd eat that. Ah, who am I kidding, if the aliens got down there, they'd have eaten them all by now anyway. Gnomes are small. Wait, are gnomes even real?"
- You know, some people might argue I'm only focusing on the negative, but I think that's because I can't think of one thing today anyone else has done right. All anyone has been doing today has been breaking things, running around screaming, shooting the wrong people, or dying. I mean, what am I supposed to say to people? "Wow, you sure did a good job falling down that elevator shaft!" Or "Way to lock yourself inside the freezer! I'm so proud of you."
- Freeman's casual use of foreign languages in the middle of his paranoid ranting.
- "I'm still waiting for hidden treasure. We get funding for a lot of shady projects, maybe there's some Nazi Gold back here. Siegen Sie mir das Geld!"
- Okay, I see an alien and a dead body. I can put one and one together. [Shoots at the bullsquid] Actually, that's one and negative one. [Shoots again, killing it] Now it's negative two, and me. But wait, wouldn't I be number one? I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. See, this is why you have to define your terms. If you don't, people die.
- Everybody's lost except for me!
- A possible Spoony Experiment Shout-Out: "Okay, cut that out, I'm really not trying to get in anybody's way!"
- Finding a new path:
Freeman: There might be something here. Beside death, I mean. I doubt there will be. I'm sure I'll go up the stairs and find nothing but a stack of dead bodies with a smiley-face sticker attached- (He is jumped by a headcrab out of nowhere) BALLS OF!! THAT WAS SNEAKY! WHERE'D YOU GO?... Well, let that be a lesson to you. How do those bastards know to jump toward the only vulnerable part of my body? If I was quick enough, I might be able to headbutt them..."
- Episode 27 in its entirety — Freeman celebrates 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'.
- "Ya blunderin' squid! What good are ya?!"
- "Arr, what have we here? An anti-scurvy machine..."
- "Fire the cannons! (Launches grenade, kills guards) (Laughing) AR!AR!AR!AR! (Fires his gun randomly to celebrate)."
- "SHIVER ME TIMBERS!"
- "Really, you don't need a physics degree to grasp the concept. But the fact that I HAVE ONE is just insult to injury!"
- "I HAVE TO BLOW EVERYTHING UP!!! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE I'M NOT CRAZY!!!"
- "Trinitrotoluene doesn't care what mood you're in..."
- "THOSE WEREN'T FIRECRACKERS!"
- "Is my education on electromagnetism wrong, or is the WORLD wrong...?"
- Upon spotting more Claymore mines:
I guess I could jump these, but if I scuff it, then it's going to hurt more than a little bit.
I'll play it safe and just crawl under. [Does so]
Besides, I really can't recall any safety advice that says to run and jump around explosives. That would be dope if they had something like this for hurdles at the Olympics though. If a runner screwed up he would just explode. I bet the adrenaline would increase performance...
- After Freeman gets ambushed:
What the fuck!? Did they just pop out of a box? Why were they in a box!? That's Looney Tunes
crap! Jesus! Well, they caught me off guard, I'll give them that. I wonder if that was their idea or it was approved by the chain of command. Yeah I could imagine a cigar smoking general ordering that. [In the voice of a gruff military stereotype]
"Yes, put two soldiers in a box! When the enemy approaches, they just jump out. It's brilliant!"
- "I bet they're both named Jack, too."
- Freeman contemplating loading up one of the trams with corpses and sending it ahead down the tracks.
"Maybe I should have taken the tram, I don't know. Then I could have loaded it up with dead bodies and sent it forward. That would probably creep out everybody down the line. That would creep me out. If I was working in the lab and this cart full of dead scientists just rolled in. It's a real conversation-stopper. Yeah, these goons write "you're dead Freeman" on the wall so I send them back a cart full of bodies. Who wins then? Psychological warfare worked for Vlad the Impaler, it can work for me, too."
- "[sees ambushing zombie's arm peeking out] Whoahoahoahoahoa, what is that? Hell's coatrack! I don't think so!"
- Freeman totally and completely spazzing out and emptying an entire shotgun clip after a zombie gets the jump on him and almost kills him.
Freeman: They flanked me...which is why I know there's one under HERE! [Darts under a desk and aims frantically] Oh. Maybe not.
- "Yeah, it's a shame. Here we are in an underground cave with all these lasers, and instead of having a rave, we're using it for evil."
- "You know, killing soldiers is one of those chores where if I had any option, I'd just put it off, hope it solves itself."
- After almost getting shot to death by a turret: [finds a radio] "So you're the one behind this!" [Shoots it]
- Freeman's reaction to hearing two soldiers blame him for killing their friends:
- "That security guy said this track would take me to the surface. Okay, now what was the long way to the surface?"
- Freeman approaches a blast door:
Hey, a keypad! ...I don't know the code. I'll try some random numbers. [beeping]
No? Okay, 1-3-3-7
] No... 1-2-3-4. [door opens
] Ah-ha-ha! You know, as much as I'd like to claim this was the result of me being a genius, it's more that someone else was not.
- Freeman watches an enemy soldier throw a grenade at his own buddies.
I don't think he was even aiming for me. I was just the excuse! I mean, what is this? The Three Stooges
Join the Corps?
- "These guys sound pretty chill considering there were gunshots and an explosion outside not two minutes earlier. I guess it doesn't occur to them to investigate that... Now we return to Ethical Dilemma Theater."
- "Self-defense isn't cutting it if I don't get to shoot first!"
- "Hey, what's this do?" [Pushes a button causing blast doors to descend over the windows and alarms to sound] "Uh-oh. Uh...maybe I should stop pressing every button I see. [Rocket launches] "Jesus Christ, I launched a missile. I'm not helping anything. [Rocket burn flashes] AUGH MY EYES! GAZE UPON THE FIERY DOOM OF THIS EARTH! So, guess I just started World War III. This has been a busy day, but in the end there's only one thing that matters: I did not leave any fingerprints. I was wearing my suit."
- "Oh! And what's this? Could this be a ridged pipe? That leads straight up the rock face? I think it is!" (On reaching the top) "...ah... that's right, I'm in New Mexico, aren't I? The middle of the desert. The middle of the desert...Now that I think about it, the flight out here might have been longer than I remember. So, if I were to just pack it on foot, how far could I go? If I had food and water — which I DON'T — I could go twenty, maybe thirty miles in a day, assuming the sun didn't beat me down... which it would. I really should have thought about this sooner. OK, so maybe walking out is NOT the way to go here."
- "People say you have to play the cards you've been dealt in life. I don't think so. I think if you've been dealt a stacked deck, you can knock the table over, pull out a gun, and start firing on... life, I guess."
- The Freezer Room. Freeman is reduced to shivering Angrish and frantically scrambling around to find something warm.
Freeman: Oh my God it's cold in here! Is this ten fucking Kelvin!?
- "No respect, man. No respect at all..."
- Contemplating who shot a random guard he was talking to:
Freeman: "Maybe the problem just went away... Maybe I just willed it out of existence... Maybe it was the magical sniper fairy that comes and gives silenced hollow point rounds to people who don't eat their vegetables."
- "Fucking ninjas man..."
- "I was not ready for ninjas. Who is ready for ninjas? No one— they're ninjas."
- After surviving a firefight with Black Ops:
- The Fermion Lecture.
- Freeman trying to piece together last night's events. And getting it completely wrong.
- What little he's able to piece together is still pretty hilarious.
Well, obviously something
happened last night. I woke up in a trash compactor again
- "The ruptured rusty rods reveal a rift!"
- Freeman reminisces about a similar drunken antic in Austria.
Actually, Austria was even worse because I woke up naked.
- Freeman notices a security guard dropped a clip of ammo and intends to sell it back to him. Then said guard gets eaten by a Barnacle.
I'm not getting my 20 bucks from him, am I?
- "Maybe I was in the biology lab trying to hit on Heather again, then she just lost it and knocked me unconscious, then tried to dump my body because, let's face it, she can be pretty stone cold. Well it didn't work, Heather! Now I have a gun! You can't stop the Freeman! [runs into a locked door] Well okay, I guess doors can stop the Freeman..."
- "Well there was that pollen for Monsanto that kills people, everybody was really proud of that..."
- "This suit needs shock absorbents! And drugs!"
- "...If the experiment was a success, I would've partied all night, and got drunk off my ass and woke up in a dumpster. But! I woke up sober and that sucks."
- "I expect a certain level of safety and comfort when I break into a place..."
- "...Therefore, as these are new territories discovered by the Nation of Freeman, any and all claims shall be henceforth named after me. Me! The official name of this monument will be the Freeman Industrial-Strength Mixer... With... Green Crap Inside of It."
- During his first conveyor belt ride of episode 37:
"But why are there no doors here? Did I actually
enter this room in the correct manner? Maybe the room itself is alive. Uhm… [reaches end of belt and is dropped into water
far below] OH MY GOD I'M GONNA D
- "I'm not a leper! I shouldn't have to stand for meat dandruff!"
- Freeman finds himself going in circles again:
"Well, I suppose this is good preparation for later in life if I get Alzheimer's. I'll wake up not remembering everything but I'll still be able to escape the retirement home. Wait, what am I saying? I'm not gonna get Alzheimer's! People who stay mentally active are resistant against that and I mentally dominate everyone!
When I get old, I'm gonna buy that walking cane I saw that secretly transforms into a sword and scare the hell out of anyone that doesnt show me respect!
- "Augh... this is a pretty shitty water park! I'm never coming here again!"
- "OK, what the fuck did I just shoot? I'm totally justified, whatever it is. Looks like a cross between a leopard and... Cthulhu."
- Freeman finally remembers the Resonance Cascade... more or less.
"I was in the test chamber, I was going to load the new sample in, then somebody cut the lights, and then some of the scientists put on these creepy looking robes and started lighting torches. Then one of them got on the intercom and started chanting this crazy ritual. Next thing I know, we have beings from another dimension teleporting in here like we're giving away free t-shirts."
- "I think the revolver must be a Magnum. That thing felt like I was God! THOU SHALT NOT EAT MY FACE! I AM THE LORD THY GOD! BEHOLD ME PULL THESE SWITCHES!"
- "THIS IS NOT A DEMOCRACY! I HAVE A GUN SO I'M IN CHARGE! Many governments around the world function on this principle. And some of them last for months!"
- "Satchel Charges! These are how you make your own exits!"
- Freeman is nearly hypnotized again.
- After navigating a contrived set of crushing pistons, Freeman seems to finally be coming off the rails for good:
Oh, this one's full of tricks! It's tapping out Morse on the fucking belt! Red lights, walking backwards, GIMME SOME MORE PRESSURE, I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH! YES! BIOHAZARD! PERFECT! THANK YOU! AAAH! FALLING TO MY DEATH! TANK OF ACID! SUPERB! Sidestepping....
- Freeman's continued frustrations with the layout of the building.
Freeman: Oh hey, a door. This means that the builders of this temple were civilized.
(door is locked)
Freeman: No... No, my mistake, they're savages.
- "OH GOD I'M OUT OF AMMO! WHOSE JOB WAS IT TO RELOAD?! THEY'RE FIRED! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S NO AMMO LEFT!? YOU'RE FIRED TOO! I can't delegate anything around here!"
- Soon after this Freeman manages to get the jump on the alien and blows it away with a revolver. His response?
- After seeing a trip mine on a conveyor belt:
- "Oh this is that door. So leaving was never an option. Now, crawling in circles until you fucking die, there's an option! I LIKE THAT OPTION! LET'S GO WITH THAT OPTION! RAAUUUGHH! ...Actually I was just kidding, I don't like that option."
- "...I was a kid, and I went to see Santa Claus, I told him I wanted to be in a cage fight, with this tiny fucking monsters jumping at my face! And I wanted the floor to be made of a giant crusher that could kill me in one quick motion, AND THE SIDES TO BE SLANTED SO IF I SLIPPED I'D IMMEDIATELY DIE! AND NOW I HAVE IT ALL! WHAT MORE COULD I ASK FOR?!"
- Freeman accidentally letting out the Grunt in the biolab.
- In a black humor sense, Freeman casually shooting a guard after he remembers that the military is trying to kill himnote before deciding that's he's simply going to kill everyone around him.
- He does rationalise it that only 30 seconds before, he'd shot a military goon who'd appeared from that very corridor, meaning he must have passed the guard on the way. Since the guard wasn't killed, Freeman believes the two must have been working together.
- "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, everyone dies!"
- When he is confronted by some Houndeyes, the following dialogue takes place:
"Okay, I'm your dance instructor-no, you're starting too early! Stop that! I SAID STOP THAT! One two three LEFT! One two three LEFT! No, your rhythm's all wrong! Ugh... I give up. I can't teach this class. Some people just don't want to learn, you know?"
- Saying "Over here, you forgot your bullets. Take some of mine!" as he strolls up and shoots down a group of marines. Ending with a cheery "You're welcome!" when he kills the last one.
- "I'm a gun farmer. I plant bullet seeds in people at about a thousand feet per second, and out pop more guns!"
- Freeman finds three scientists hiding in a room behind a "giant cheese slicer" chamber and actually decides that he needs them alive. But one of them doesn't exactly "click" with Gordon.
Freeman: Okay, let's do the "get outside" thing. You come with me.
Scientist: With my brains and your brawn, we'll make an excellent team.
Freeman: OH, so you think you're the brains of this operation, huh?
Scientist: I'll wait.
Freeman: Goddamn right you will.
- And later, after he turns the cheese slicer off:
Freeman: ...Okay, I guess you too.
Scientist: I certainly hope that you know what you're doing.
Freeman: That's it, I've had enough lip from you. You stay!
Scientist: I'm slowing you down, am I?
Freeman: No, you're pissing me off is what you're doing!
- Upon finding turrets at the entrance to the lobby outside:
Freeman: It looks like an anemometer, but it is not. Anemometers don't fire bullets. Not even the expensive ones. Or I don't think they do. If they do, meteorologists are more hardcore than I thought. Huh, I don't know, maybe. They chase tornadoes and crap. Maybe this is what happens when they get better funding.
- "But yeah, I can see meteorologists taking things up a notch. Like they normally release weather balloons and just count on people to be nice and mail them back when they land. Instead they can deploy motion sensor turret guns on landing, send out a locator signal, and shoot anyone that got too close. They'd get their data then!"
- "They must be listening to the radio. I'm gonna change the station." [detonates satchel charge]
- "Wow, you're pretty chill about all this... kind of unnaturally so. I guess you're autistic. Great."
- "See, this is why unions were formed: so that when you get lucky breaks like this, management doesn't make three seconds the new standard for opening a welded gate."
- Gordon's first reaction to seeing just how far up he is: "Okaaay... Watch. Your. Step."
- After Gordon thinks one of the HECU Marines insulted him. "It doesn't matter, I've got the best comeback of all. A SPAS-12."
- "I don't know of many modern cliff-dwelling societies. I'm sure the first settlers probably thought it was a good idea because they have good defense, but once little Billy starts playing near the cliff, then there's no more little Billy."
- Gordon's reaction to the Rope Bridge, and his panic when he tries to cross it and it starts falling apart.
Freeman: I'd expect better than this from a Peruvian burro trail!
- The serene tone Gordon's voice gains following his discovery of the rocket launcher. One can just tell how happy he is.
Freeman: Is that... Oh my God, it's a rocket launcher. The perfect gift for the man who has everything. Oooooh, you and I are gonna go places. My mind is spinning with new possibilities. You are the first good news I have had all day. [picks up ammo] Yes, I'll bring your friends.
- Followed immediately by this brief bit of (increased) insanity when Gordon starts talking like someone from a Shakespeare play while fighting the Apache:
Hark! Dost thou hear with thine ears what I hear with mine? Interloper! No quarter shall be shown hither, fiend! Anon! Show thyself, churl! Have at thee! [fires, misses, gets shot at]
Blackguard! Curses, fie upon thee! But ho, the laser on mine rocket launcher be not a mere target, but a guidance system! Where art thou? Come hither, that I may smite thee! [shoots the Apache down] Thou shalt not be missed.
- "Oh, wait, what's that sound? Do you hear that? I think that's silence! That's the sound people make when everyone trying to kill me is dead! And I have a rocket launcher! I have a rocket launcher with a laser guidance system! And I am walking on a really, really narrow cliffface."
- Near the beginning, Gordon's thoughts on mind reading are interrupted by his need to concentrate on navigating the cliffside. He then remembers to resume those thoughts near the episode's end and is immediately interrupted by almost falling off.
- Near the end of the episode, Gordon gets ambushed by a Headcrab, which misses him and jumps off the cliff, falling screaming to its death:
Gordon: "Yes! Toro, motherfucker! Splat!"
- As Gordon inches along a narrow cliffface, he muses to himself that he'll have to be careful not to freak out if a spider jumps on him. Really makes you wonder if he would do just that if it really happened.
Doom Guy's Mind (April Fool's Day)
- When you take Ross's normally deadpan voice, strip out all subtlety and eloquence, and replace it with the voice of Cookie Monster going full Blood Knight, you get a whole episode that's loaded with funny moments and lines. Some examples:
A LOCKED FUCKING DOOR! WHY DOESN'T MY KEYCARD FROM THE LAST DOOR WORK ON THIS ONE?! SECURITY HERE'S TIGHTER THAN A NUN'S ASSHOLE! [shoots a zombie] Reverend.
My shotgun to the face is the perfect cure for bein' an asshole!
[reflecting on the odd base layout] The designers must've gone space-crazy. Some people can't take it. Not me! MY PSYCH PROFILE SAYS I KICK ASS IN ANY ENVIRONMENT! THAT'S WHY I'M A SPACE MARINE! HWAAAAAAAA!
[after being surprised by a pinky demon] I FUCKIN' HATE THOSE GORILLA PIGS! I WANNA' TRY GRINDIN' 'EM UP AND MAKE BURGERS OUT OF THEM, but I don't have a grill...
[upon getting the rocket launcher in a narrow corridor] A FUCKIN' RPG! THANKS, GOD! Maybe I shouldn't use it in here. Safety first!
[after blowing an imp's legs off, leaving it screaming] Aww, does it hurt? Let Daddy make it better... [flips the imp off, then blows it away with the shotgun]
[after spraying a room with chaingun ammo] HOLY SHIT, I RAN OUT OF BULLETS! [switches to shotgun] GOOD THING I WAS A BOY SCOUT: BE PREPARED!
- After shooting at an imp through a barred window, it starts screaming. Doom Guy gets so annoyed by this that he ignores the next part of the level he's supposed to go through and runs across an acid bath just to shut the imp up.
- In the last room before the exit, Doom Guy takes out a shotgun zombie with an exploding barrel. The flames almost touch him and he goes "Woo! Is it getting warm in here?" This results in an image of him finishing the rest of the level with his hair on fire, no fucks given.
- Freeman commenting that his current location would make for a great water park, if they made a few changes like expanding the length of the canals and getting rid of the special forces unit.
Freeman: The customers shouldn't have to be packing heat in order to finish the ride.
- Freeman breaking out into a recitation of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Modern Major General" (from The Pirates of Penzance) while gunning down the soldiers.
- "WHERE'S MY CHORUS?!"
- After concluding that the lyrics are a bit dated, he adds his own verse...
I can fire at a target and hit it at least half the time
Or graph out an electron path while using only numbers prime
I calculate the fall rate of a bullet shot a thousand yards
I perforate the thick heads of a hundred military guards.
I can make a simulation of an atom bomb and build one too
Or flank a dozen men and ambush ten of them right out of the blue
From SMGs to RPGs, I carry quite an arsenal
And skip around a war zone like a sub-atomic particle.
- "STILL NO CHORUS!!"
- Gordon fighting a tank while speaking like a Valley Girl.
- When he attacks the first tank:
Gordon: Okay, delivery for Mr. Abrams. [fires a grenade at the tank, doing nothing] Oh, come on. I know someone's home. [fires a second grenade, destroying the turret] No, I don't need a signature. You have a nice day.
- Another theory as to what that scary thing behind the door was - clowns?
- "Why are there so many lasers here? I feel like I'm trying to steal a diamond... wait, are there diamonds here?? That would turn my day right around."
- "Yeah, wow, look. They just slapped the mines on everything in sight. A loose crate? Add a mine. Some metal railing? Add a mine. A mop handle? Add a mine. This room confirms every single thing I've suspected about the soldiers. This is their grand strategy at work right here: just slap easily-triggered mines on everything in a room that could wipe out half the facility if there was a chain reaction. Oh, and leave some aliens hopping around in it higgledy-piggledy, too. Yeah, there are NO surprises here. Just blow up everything in sight. Don't worry about how we do missile research here."
- Gordon checks a security guard's corpse... for money.
- Gordon finds a lift with holes, and believes it's an unfinished spike platform for killing cattle.
"Are they actually going to kill a cow with that? That's crazy! It would hit its legs first and could easily miss its brain. It would just make horrible noises and be in as much pain as possible. Okay, so I guess that's why we made it. Solved that one."
- Gordon finally comes across the Hivehand... which he assumes is one of the aliens and promptly shoots/avoids it.
- Freeman's reaction to a security guard being pursued by soldiers.
HEEEEEEY! AAAAAAAAGH! Freeman:
WAAAAAAGH! [turns, sees soldier] Freeman: OH!
- Freeman's attempt to hijack a military truck, and then ranting about how he never learned to hotwire.
- Freeman is pinned down: "Now I know what time it is: it is clearly rocket launcher time. However...[takes a peek around the corner and quickly ducks back, narrowly avoiding a shot] Mr. Dead-To-Rights The Tank Operator doesn't seem to operate in my time zone. His clock says it's time to turn me into red paste."
- An enemy in a Bradley shoots at some of his own soldiers, killing one of them and just barely missing the other. This seems to be a recurring theme in the series...
"Man, I'm NEVER joining the military!"
- Freeman begins to regret killing the security guard from the previous episode, noting that his tendency to run in front of gunfire could come in handy when dealing with a tank.
"Teamwork: the ultimate sacrifice."
- What's left of Freeman's sanity evaporates once he can't get past a broken door.
"Why is this door not moving!? It's blown off the hinges! I can see inside for God's — it's not locked! This is cheating! Tell reality to stop cheating! Reality, how could you?
- Freeman gets the tank's gun to turn towards him... then takes off quickly to a nearby alleyway before it shoots at him.
"Okay, bye! DOOBOOPDOODLOODLOOPBOOPDOOPBOOPDODODODOLOOPBOOP"
- Freeman's reaction to yet another sniper. It has to be seen to be believed.
- "Okay, I'm gonna let you live because I need you for an experiment to ascertain whether tank shells prefer blue or orange colors."
- "Okay, this must be the sniper residence. I received a bullet delivery from you by mistake, so I'm returning it, plus a little something extra for your trouble." [grenade explodes] "Okay, I'll mark down that you received the shipment."
- Freeman's insane plan to splash fake blood on the hood of a police-painted Crown Victoria and use it to lure people into being attacked by a chimpanzee trained in hardcore karate.
- Freeman thinking the military bombed a building after they put soldiers in the building based on all the friendly-fire incidents he's seen up to this point.
- Freeman playing the role of air-traffic controller.
- After failing to open a locked door:
Freeman: Well... I didn't want to go in there anyways!
- At the end of the episode, Freeman narrowly avoids being turned into meaty chunks for the billionth time after a soldier throws a satchel charge in the pipe Freeman was climbing in. After this, he goes to open the other end of the pipe... only to find out that the soldier locked it. Freeman, ever the optimist, tries to find the bright side.
- Freeman's reaction to the Alien Grunts shooting at him. Or rather, WHAT they're shooting at him.
- Gordon's LMG-fueled slaughter of vortigaunts come off as extra funny because his speech and the gun he's shooting makes it sound an awful lot like machinegun fueled Fake Static.
[gunfire] Did you say something?! [gunfire] You need to speak up! [gunfire] What?! [gunfire] I can't hear you! [gunfire] You want me to shoot you? Sure, I can do that! [gunfire] Is that enough? [gunfire] Okay, I'll keep it coming! [gunfire] How about now, is that good?! [gunfire]
- Gordon's first experience with an alien launchpad.
- Of all the insane things Gordon believes in, he is now convinced that ghosts are real and that he has a ghost companion helping him out. He also briefly pretends to be one after escaping the pipe.
- Considering the strange game mechanics at work, and all the things that have already happened, his ghost explanation is alarmingly plausible.
- Gordon nearly shooting yet another guard. Thankfully, this one doesn't die. At least not until the Gargantua appears...
- Gordon playing with the airstrike map. And wishing he had one that displayed the whole world.
- Freeman's reaction to narrowly surviving a bunker caving in on him.
- "See, chess doesn't prepare you for this. You can't say that a rook and three pawns flanked your knight, but he laid down suppressing fire and punched through them anyway. You get disqualified if you try that! Maybe I've been disqualified from reality."
- "NO! I'M NOT YOUR MOTHER! STOP IMPRINTING!"
- "NO! I DON'T WANT YOU!"
- "I wouldn't make a very good babysitter. I mean, my first impulse towards seeing a bunch of kids running around is to throw things at them."
- "Yay! I win the nightmare pinata!"
- "These things shouldn't be out in the wild! We need to round them up for ring fights like any civilized society would! You start on small animals, move up to big, then steadily increase the odds for bet payouts!"
- "I'm here for the molds! And the fungus! I've got you pinned down! You'll never leave with your mushrooms and other crap that grows in cellars alive!"
- Gordon deconstructs the One-Man Army trope. It's the sort of thing that sounds cool, but in reality it's just really annoying because you have do everything yourself.
- Freeman noticing that the Alien Grunts don't wear armor on their torsos, and concludes that the Earth is actually being invaded by alien strippers. To the point of wondering if the invasion is the normal conquest kind or if it has some sort of kinky alien context.
- "This is such a waste. I mean, the military is barely doing its job, but they could outsource this. Make a public announcement that every gun owner is welcome to come here and shoot aliens. Kill as many as you want. Militias dream of something like this happening. If we opened this up, it would be like a modern-day pilgramage for a third of the country."
- Freeman is becoming more and more resigned about the insane design of Black Mesa. After opening a hatch underground that leads deeper into the base:
- "I guess it's sealed so that water doesn't seep in when it rains and floods the underground man-made pond here with no source of water. And this all makes sense because we're in the desert."
- He also muses on the fact that when he finally gets out he's going to meet the architect who built the complex and find out that he actually took the longest possible route to escape.
Freeman: Oh, you took THAT tunnel? Yeah, that added two miles to your route.
- "Jesus Christ, are these worms even real?! Or am I just going through withdrawal because I'm a bigger alcoholic than I thought? I don't drink that much, that's what pills are for!"
- When Freeman finds an elevator that actually works, his initial reaction is to stare at it in disbelief. Followed by this:
- Gordon's reaction on finding a Charlie Chaplin cog wheel... that doesn't turn anything.
- Gordon completely missing his grenade toss at a sentry gun, and cutting himself off mid-sentence.
Freeman: Okay, paper beats rock, hand grenade beats unmanned sentry gu- shit.
- "You know what the #1 regret of dying people is? It's 'I regret playing near all that radioactive waste because now I'm fucking dying!'"
- Freeman's examination of the aliens' tactics, surprised that they seem to be rather stupid despite their advanced technology.
- The indestructible tool cabinet.
Freeman: Does Snap-on have a special tankproof model or something?
- Freeman calling his grenade a "happy ball"
Freeman: You were supposed to follow the happy ball, but you didn't! Now no one's happy!
- Freeman becoming more and more Genre Savvy, guessing that activating the elevator would release more aliens.
- The mental image of an army releasing badgers into a war zone.
- "Through the power of hypnotic suggestion and a tank I was able to convince these people they were dead."
Freeman Across the Universe Trailer
- The first few seconds of the video.
Barney: I think you dropped this back in Black Mesa. [tosses Freeman a crowbar]
Freeman: Right on, now just give me a ski mask and we're good to go.
- When Freeman is in Portal and looks through the portals:
Freeman: I don't understand. There's no known physics model for this. Unless...OH MY GOD! I'M TWO-DIMENSIONAL!
- Freeman Neck Lifts a mook:
Freeman: Now I need you to listen to me very carefully. You are to address me as Doctor Freeman.
- The plasmid injection scene from BioShock.
Freeman: So these are drugs, right? Only one really fast way to find out." [injects] Ahhhh...
- Freeman faces down against a psychic monkey from System Shock, bouncing left and right like a matador.
Freeman: [as if meeting his arch-nemesis] So... we meet at last...!
- Five words: Freeman hopped up on morphine.
"I'm a hero!"
- Even better is his discovery of said morphine:
- Freeman escaping the generator. Combined with the morphine trip-out, the entire endeavor is pure comedic gold.
- Freeman trying to ride an elevator up.
Okay, where's the button? Oh, there is no button, it's on the outside. We design a lot of elevators like that." [presses button, nothing happens]
Oh, I see, the button doesn't work. We design a lot like that, too.
- "Alright... I'm... ...Batman... (jump)"
- "[to a guard] Hey, listen. These monsters are interrupting my train of thought, so you need to talk to the administrator and tell him to stop it, alright? Just stop it. We've got enough monsters for at least nine weeks. This is total overkill."
- "Hey, this is just like Dirty Harry. The long range scene. No, wait, it was one of the sequels. That's my favorite Dirty Harry movie, the one where he guns down the giant monster with the tentacle arms. [shotguns an Alien Grunt] Make my day, squid-face."
- "Where my lab at?"
- "Okay, I'm gonna test my theory like a true scientist...on drugs."
- Watching the G-man wander into the teleporter. Freeman thinks he's committing suicide.
- Gordon becoming increasingly bewildered at the presence of what he believes are miniature suns (actually teleporters) hanging around in the labs. Initially he believes that they must have invented cold-fusion, but then disregards this theory on the basis that if they had, he'd be working on it. Finally he decides that they are holograms used as part of Black Mesa's clever marketing scheme to get funding, and walks into a few to prove it.
- "If it's cold fusion, how come I'm not in this department? There must be an explanation." [aliens teleport in] "This is my explanation?!"
- Freeman thinks about stuffing a zombie into his suit and shoving into the path of the military, believing they'd be dumb enough to fall for that.
- He finishes up his thought from the previous episode about why the soldiers are killing each other, and comes to his final theory, which he believes is the most likely — the soldiers is just that stupid.
"Ok, so option 3 is that the military is just rock-stupid. Like scary stupid. Like, 'crash planes into buildings, bomb your own troops, and shoot half your squad'-stupid. Like, I think the soldiers that aren't literally retarded either have non-combative duties, or are overseas."
- One soldier was walking a bit too casually in the middle of a warzone, and Freeman comes to the conclusion that he must have been listening to very loud music with his eyes closed.
- Freeman kills a headcrab inside a vent.
"FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU AND I'M GONNA KILL YOUR WHOLE FAMILY NOW!"
- Freeman flips out when he winds up in the room with the Gargantua, ranting about how no one will know how awesome he is.
- Somehow an alien structure with hostile life forms, a large amount of water in the main room and completely isolated in a void is only the second worst apartment Freeman's ever lived in.
- After he accidentally activates the portal in that room, which causes the chamber to shake and nearly blinds him with beams of light, it's still only the second worst, because "It's still not infected with bed bugs."
- At this point, it's safe to say Freeman has finally snapped now that he's trapped on an alien world with no way back. The episode starts with him screaming, hyper-ventilating, and contemplating suicide. It should be horrifying, but it's actually funny.
- "FUCK YOU, REALITY! YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT!"
- Freeman yelling the noises the Gonarch makes back at it.
- After the first round with the Gonarch, he sneaks up behind it and lays half a dozen satchel charges right under it. The explosives just make it angry. Gordon doesn't take it well.
Freeman: What's happening!? Nothing's immune to explosives! Is this a god? Am I fighting GOD!? IS THIS WHAT GOD LOOKS LIKE!?
- Freeman smacking his head on the roof twice after using the alien jump pad.
- Freeman while fighting the Gonarch:
Freeman: I don't like where this is going, I'll eventually run out of ammo. BUT YOU'LL NEVER RUN OUT OF BEING AN ALIEN!
- Freeman yet again contemplates making another alien cavern an apartment, and he wonders what he would have done to avoid this. What he muses up is hard to argue with, yet is hilarious.
- Freeman's reaction to the room with poison gas.
Freeman: Well, the shower fucking sucks...
- The way he manages to stay on the pillar elevator with its ridiculously small standing surface.
Freeman: I should be on a pedestal, but metaphorically, damnit!
- Freeman meets the first aliens to not attack him. His response?
Freeman: You are doing everything right, for someone who wants to live.
- Freeman's reaction to the Gargantua.
- Dealing with the Green Tentacles again
Freeman: (having just tossed a grenade near the alien) Yeah, what's that? What's that? (explosion) It's amazing, that's what it is!
Episode 68 (finale)
- The first thing that happens in Half-Life 2 is Gordon screaming at the G-Man to get out of his face. He later comments that he thinks the G-Man is a sexual predator.
Freeman: YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE PAINT!
- Gordon describing the Breencasts as "Max Headroom for old people." Then, after listening to it for a bit, and still thinking he's in Hawaii, he concludes that it's a time-share infomercial.
- Freeman is predictably delighted to see a Vortigaunt in chains and pushing a broom, and goes from wondering why there's so much trash in "Hawaii" to assuming that all the people are deliberately making a mess for the alien to clean up.
- When Gordon is brought into the interrogation room, he confuses it for a dentist's office, since while there is blood around the chair there are no restraints on it to stop the torture victim from fighting back. When he thinks the officer (who is actually Barney in disguise) is going to torture him, he grabs a lamp and plans on Obfuscating Stupidity before bashing the officer as hard as he can.
- Freeman, still not having a clue what has happened to the world, being completely oblivious to what Barney is talking about in the interrogation room.
- Freeman throwing the can into the trash from a ridiculous distance, and commenting that he used to be the king of can throwing back in college.
Freeman: I got my degree under the tutelage of Dr. Pepper.
- Freeman decides he needs to "hustle" his way out of his situation.
Freeman: Ay gurl, how you doin'?
Female Citizen: If I talk to you out here, we'll both be in trouble.
Freeman: What the hell?! What's going on? Desperate women love me!
- Freeman not knowing who the hell Barney is. What makes this funny is that Barney's Mind, which Episode 67 of the first season confirmed was in-continuity, would have Barney often talk about how good friends he is with Gordon. Ross is basically confirming that the friendship is very one-sided.
- The mere fact that Ross Scott released this on April Fool's Day. Almost everyone clicking on it would have expected anything but what the title promised.
- During the police raid, when some of the residents start fleeing, Gordon doesn't even look back to see why and just starts following them.
Gordon: Hey, you know what? When people are screaming and running one direction, I find it's best to just not question that and just assume they have more current information than I do. I don't like learning things the hard way, but I love letting other people learn the hard way for me!
- Much like in the events of Black Mesa, Gordon hasn't quite cottoned onto the situation. He assumes multiple people living in barren apartments with no doors are part of some weird commune rather than living in a dystopia.
- Gordon still has a pretty high opinion of himself.
Civilian: Was that you knocking?
Freeman: No, this is me rocking.
- Even better is that Freeman thinks the drunk guy he's talking to is an all knowing master of wisdom.
Civilian: I didn't know we still had a door.
Freeman: The door to your mind, man. Dammit, I know you have the answers, but I don't want to seem too eager.
- Gordon doesn't exactly hit it off with Alyx Vance.
Alyx: A man of few words, aren't you?
Freeman: Listen, smartass, I don't... [she walks off] Oh, okay, well fuck you, then. Yeah I talk a lot, but that's because I get things done.
- We discover that there's someone even Gordon won't mess around with. Isaac Kleiner. We're given a very good idea as to why our protagonist respects him.
- When Lamarr first shows up and attacks Barney, Freeman thinks that Kleiner has purposely unleashed a headcrab onto Barney to kill him. He finds that completely unconcerning.
Gordon: Kleiner, this is dark. [shrugs] But, your lab, your rules. If you wanna kill your assistant, I'm not gonna stop you.
- Freeman's indifference towards Barney turns to pure hatred over the course of the episode, and it's hilarious. Especially when Barney insults Gordon's MIT education.
- Freeman happily sends Alyx through the teleporter even though he thinks she won't make it, even letting out a little Evil Laugh.
Gordon: This is gonna be like one of those dunking booths at the fair, except instead of dunking you in water, you're gonna get dunked out of existence.
- In fact, the prospect of her not making it only seems to enhance his enjoyment. The more dangerous the experiment, the better the show for Gordon, it seems.
Kleiner: Gordon, would you mind... plugging us in?
Gordon: Not in the slightest. You realize if the voltage is so high to blow the plug out of the wall, this can't be anywhere close to stable. [picks up plug, electricity arcs between the plug and the wall, Gordon sounds very excited] Ohhh! Look at that arcing!
- And when Alyx does make it out the other end of the teleporter alive and in one piece, Gordon's only reaction is an extremely indifferent, "Oh. Bonus."
- When Lamarr screws up the teleporter, Gordon's initial reaction is one of annoyance instead of panic. It's as if, by this point, he fully expects the worst to happen.
- When Gordon is randomly popping around during the Teleporter Accident, he keeps trying to warn Dr. Vance and the others about the Vortigaunt standing right behind them (not knowing that they're allies at that point). And then there's his reaction when he appears in Breen's office.
Breen: What is the meaning of this?! Who are you?!
Freeman: Who are you?!
Breen: How did you get in here?!
Freeman: I don't know!
- Meta joke: Ross announced this episode on Twitter as "Freeman's Mind 2: Episode 2: Part 1."
- The fans took it and ran with it, and the comments section is littered with jokes about how Ross got to episode 3 first.
- Kleiner roping Gordon into things has apparently happened before.
You know what the problem is, I just got Kleiner'd. I have a hundred questions I need answered, I need supplies, but instead he distracted me, got me excited about his experiment, then almost got me killed. Again.
And now the experiment's done, I'm out the door. Damnit, Kleiner!
- Freeman considers trying to be nonchalant when trying to get past a cop.
- Freeman gets spooked by some pigeons.
Gordon: [shoots at them] Oh, wait. Pigeons aren't cops. That's just a comic book or... something.
- Freeman's utter befuddlement when he sees a cop rolling a burning oil drum down the stairs at him.
Gordon: What's happening?! Did he just pour burning oil on me?! Is this the Middle Ages?! Is this a siege?! Do they think I'm trying to siege the rail line?! Is that why they're fighting to the death?! Do they think I'm trying to conquer their homelands?!
- His utter exasperation with Civil Protection in general is a point of hilarity, yelling at them much more often than he did with any of the military and berating them for everything, including the fact they just fire at him as soon as they spot him without actually aiming at all.
"These Charles Bronson motherfuckers aren't giving up, are they!?"
- Freeman tries to figure out the equation of survival:
Gordon: This is a math problem. If I stay here, I die. If I'm somewhere else, I may or may not die. Therefore, everyone else must die to maximize my probably of me not dying. Ok, I'm jumping ahead some steps on the logic, but I'll figure out the proof later.
- After seeing a train plow through a couple of Civil Protection officers without even slowing down, Freeman assumes that "keeping the trains running on time" is taken to new levels in this society.
Gordon: I may be Public Enemy #1, but all that pales compared to keeping the train schedule. Arrival times are the word of God here.
- Gordon figures he's being hunted because the cops think he's the head of the cult from the second episode.
- Freeman GUNNING DOWN THE FUCKING VORTIGAUNT IN THE TRAIN CAR. Apparently Ross has been doing some custom script editing for this series. Following this, when the guy in the train car pulls a gun on Freeman and demands he leave, Freeman is completely mystified on why he's angry at saving his life (neither knowing nor caring that the Vortigaunts are on the humans' side), finally reaching the conclusion that the alien was the guy's slave.
- Freeman picturing Manhacks as being a bunch of machete-wielding Robby the Robots advancing slowly towards people while making chopping motions.
- Freeman going off on a tangent about whether the Civil Protection agents could have killed him with the explosive barrels if he had taken refuge in the water. He's more angry that he doesn't know all the factors involved in determining if the underwater shockwave would have been lethal than that he nearly died.
- This leads into another tangent later as he starts wondering why explosive barrels even exist since it would take an incredibly precise fume-to-liquid ratio to achieve such results. He finally decides they were specifically designed just so the cops could kill people more efficiently.
- Freeman begins the episode by predicting that movies with aliens in the future aren't going to be as happy as movies in the past.
This is gonna change science fiction forever. There's not gonna be anymore E.T.
or My Favorite Martian
. People won't understand. E.T. won't be phoning home. He'll be waiting for you in a dark tunnel, ready to strangle you while he literally eats you alive. If you're lucky, he'll snap your neck first. People of the future will understand that.
- Gordon genuinely can't tell whether Barney is a colossal idiot, or a Magnificent Bastard who is Obfuscating Stupidity in order to deliberately get Gordon killed.
Gordon: [imitating Barney's voice]
"Yeah, Gordon, take the canals, right? Then the police can shoot at you from above while you're trying to swim, and completely surround you without getting caught in the crossfire!" [normal voice]
See, that's his brilliance
. Even now I don't know if he is
just that dumb, or if I fell right into his trap. Incompetence can be really hard to distinguish from malice
- For the above reason, Freeman contemplates killing Barney the next time he sees him, just in case. But he decides against it because Kleiner would never forgive him... for killing a perfectly good assistant without having a replacement lined up already.
Gordon: Fuck Barney, this is the worst possible route!
- Freeman takes one page from civil protection's book and throw barrels at Barnacles, calling it Donkey Kong warfare.
- While Freeman getting caught by Barnacles and almost dying, followed by throwing up, is an unsettling bit, the following trauma can be darkly hilarious.
Freeman: I am legit traumatized. I don't even want to eat spaghetti anymore...
- Freeman ranting at the end of the episode about how sick he is of saying things could be worse.
Freeman: I mean yeah, I could be dead, that's worse. That's a nice low bar for us to judge things by. Fuck.
- Freeman theorizes that the helicopter is being piloted by Barney.
- Freeman encounters one too many manhacks in the sewers, and is convinced that they only exist for pest control.
Gordon: Yeah, lets throw an A.I. propulsion system, gyroscopes, infrared sensors, and some next-gen battery tech in there so we can kill rats! This had to be a Department of Defense contract; it's got all the signs.
- "Hey, over here! I'm a lightning bug!"
- Freeman describes Manhacks as "redneck technology."
- A refugee offers supplies to Freeman, and he accepts, only to find that all he has are bullets and empty boxes. He then accuses him of being high, but opts to go easy on him because he believes he's having a bad trip.
- Also, the fact that Gordon opens every box except the clearly marked boxes of supplies before getting mad at the refugee for having no supplies (although there would have only been more bullets in those boxes anyway).
- Freeman encounters a Manhack in a vent.
- After Freeman kills a Combine that rappels down into the sewer.
"No, Gordon. People aren't flying down from the sky to come kill you like some sort of fallen angel. You're just being paranoid.
- The most dangerous foe Gordon has encountered yet: A paparazzi bot. It blinds him with its first picture, causing him to fall back into the water he climbed out of, and then blinds him again while he's still reeling.
- He later posits that an AI is controlling the various robots and dispatching cops whenever it spots a suspect. That's why the police are so fast to respond to Gordon but are so incompetent at actually stopping him.
- "Next time my face hurts, I'll think about Kleiner... and no helmet."
- Gordon overhears a couple of Metrocops excited about tacos.
- Gordon figures the Manhacks were probably just released into the city so the creators could see what happened; that's why there are no cats or dogs.
- After comparing them to Mousers, he muses that was the only thing the show was right about. That and Dimension X.
- "At least when I'm being shot at, I know if I've been shot or not. Gamma rays keep you guessing!"
- Freeman wondering if the Resistance is an Orwellian plot to weed out and slaughter dissidents, just grossly incompetent and unwittingly sending hundreds to their deaths, or "a little of column A, a little of column B".
- When Gordon first enters the barn, a zombie smacks a barrel and sends it flying right into him, knocking him off the platform and into the river.
- "What's happening is he* thinks he's Mr. Miyagi, and serving me up to the police is his interpretation of 'wax on, wax off'. Because apparently surviving Black Mesa and an alien world means I need to prove myself."
- "We need to talk! I know what you guys did in Nicaragua!"
- "The only thing I can conclude so far is that he's an asshole! I don't need a doctorate for that one!"
- What makes this monologue even better is that Freeman is investigating the two houses behind the red barn (a modded area of the game) while he's delivering it, leading to such humorous bits as a dead headcrab dropping in front of the door as a seeming trap and him finding a beer bottle, only to get angry when he realizes it's empty.
- And to ice this cake of hilarity, Ross Scott posted a blooper of this scene in which Freeman tries to exit the boat, only to fall straight through the bottom. After the initial surprise and panic comes a muffled utterance of pure defeat.
- Freeman getting pissed off about the G-Man's teleportation ability since it practically trivializes the years of teleportation research Black Mesa was doing.
Freeman: That would be like if we were in the 1800's inventing the internal combustion engine, and he just shows up in a Ferrari doing donuts outside our workshop. That's really demoralizing.
- Later on, up the river, a Resistance member drops Freeman a couple of supply boxes... except one is completely empty.
- Freeman concludes that his escape plan was thought up by stoners when he realizes he's supposed to use floating barrels to prop up a ramp, then jump said ramp with the air boat.
Freeman: [stereotypical stoner voice] "Yeah, he'll be like Evel Knievel, except, like, on the water, man."
- "Stop being wood!"
- Freeman's first attempt to jump the ramp ends in spectacular failure.
Freeman: Belay that, no mayday. This just sucks.
- Freeman is regretting the boat ride more and more as the river is more of a dried canal.
- Freeman just plowing through Combine soldiers on the boat. "I'M NOT STOPPING!"
- While running from them, he comes across yet another ramp he has to take to get over some trees blocking the canal, but hits it at a bad angle the first time, and ends up barrel-rolling the airboat.
Freeman: (Sounding like he had the wind knocked out of him) Okay, that...almost worked...
- During a rant after an enemy who goes from Trigger Happy to playing mind games, Freeman thinks that a cardboard cutout of the guy is probably going to pop up to scare him, before admitting he once attacked a cardboard cutout at a shoe store.
- He also describes the enemy as a stormtrooper in training, and calls him "Darth Uzi" at one point.
- And when Darth Uzi gets the drop on him?
Freeman: Oh, that was bad. He shot first; that is not how we do things now! I'm slipping! The thing is, my freakout-o-meter has never really gone down this entire time, but I can't be 100% vigilant at all times! I j- I NEED DRUGS!
- "Man, computers look even more hostile now... I bet this is Linux..."
- Gordon dismisses Dr. Breen's broadcast due to it not telling him anything important... only to consider changing his mind when he finds a box of ammo in the middle of ragging it.
- Just before that, he was considering making a run to some nearby empty looking apartment buildings before he faintly heard the broadcast. After hearing the word 'messianic', Freeman thinks it might be the voice of god, before going inside and seeing said broadcast, realizing it was just the acoustics making it audible outside.
- "I liked the old you better! The old you wouldn't have set up a machine gun nest fifty yards away to cover the only access point! You've changed!"
- After finding a box of grenades, Freeman is... ecstatic to say the least.
Freeman: (Tossing grenades into a room of combine) GRENAAAADE!
Combine officer: Grenade!
Freeman: I know right? (tossing another one) GRENAAAADE! The Greeks say moderation in all things. I'm not Greek. GRENAAA— (sees they're all dead, and sounding genuinely disappointed) Oh. Okay. Well, it's not fun if nobody else is playing.
- Freeman continuing to pick apart the Combine's increasingly idiotic plot to trap and kill rebels without interference, specifically the part where they scatter soldiers all across the single path leading up to the trap to kill anyone who takes it.
Freeman: That's like smashing roaches on their way to the roach motel, causing them all to scatter. This isn't rocket science; I should know! This is the blind fighting the blind.
- When the episode opens, Freeman's still stuck at a dead end, with an electrified wheel and no sight of the power source. He takes his frustrations out on the surrounding area with his gun...only to then cause an explosion that breaks the gate.
Freeman: It's happening again, I keep coming back to this feeling that I'm a rat in a maze. Expect it's all dead ends!
- He also doesn't assume the resulting alarm means much. Until an alien ship comes whizzing by.
Oh, there's an alarm! That's hilarious. Yeah, come get me, guys. *alien ship appears*
- Freeman's still giddy about having a virtually unlimited supply of grenades, so much so that he opts for using them instead of the machine gun nest he bypassed in the last episode.
Freeman: I like how I seem to be steering the conversation. Before, it was "Hostiles!" or "What's your location?" Now it's all grenades!
- During one of his tosses, he accidentally sends a car tire rocketing across the room, making him flinch.
Freeman: Whoa! Michelin's revenge!
- Freeman considers opening a new business:
Freeman: Welcome to Grenadier Gordon's Grenade Emporium! Our prices are so low, we're giving them away! Have a grenade! Give one to your friend! Give one to your family! Give one to your neighbor! Give one to your boss!
- He even has a plan for those not that into grenades:
Freeman: For our less discerning customers, we also have bullets. Grenades require a more refined palate.
- Gordon doesn't take kindly to hagglers.
Freeman: Don't try to haggle with me, you savages! All prices are final!
- His only criticism with the grenades is the way they're designed, and proceeds to imagine a grenade shaped like a potato.
Then the cops would be like "Oh look, he's throwing potatoes at us, hur hur!" Hot
- Shortly after taking out another camera bot, Gordon imagines that he had to have looked badass on the camera, and hopes they use that picture for his wanted poster.
- Apparently Black Mesa wasn't much better than Aperture when it came to designing hilariously impractical products, including a microwave gun that kept killing employees because they'd walk in front of it not knowing it was turned on, guided missiles flying out of range of the authentication servers (which apparently pissed off the Pentagon), and a laser tank that would refract and melt the gunner when the lens cracked.
- Freeman's continued trek down the river includes trucks shooting rockets, Civil Protection officers rappelling into his path like they're Spider-Man, and walls of fire. When a car gets launched at him, he concludes he's at the mercy of Looney Tunes God.
Freeman: That was everything! There's too much everything! What didn't they throw at me?
- Freeman starts getting sick of the crappy options he's being given.
Freeman: Those are my choices! "Would you like some death with your death?" No thank you, hold the death, please.
- "The power of no-yes!"
- Freeman shoots some Civil Protection officers from inside a storage container. Much like his experience with shooting inside of an air vent, this doesn't end well.
Freeman: I'm gonna be like Grandpa Mitch! Well, assuming I live that long. I sure plan on living that long, but Fate and I seem to be having a really abusive relationship.
- Freeman finally gets inside, safe from the constant gunfire from the attack chopper.
Freeman: Did you hear? We're safe here! We're safe! Hooray! (gets swarmed by Manhacks) Oh no, we're not safe! Everything's still terrible! Like all the other times!
- Freeman gets the idea to spray-paint a mannequin orange, put it on motorized wheels, and wheel it out in front of the attack chopper.
- Freeman comes to the conclusion that the G-Man sent him on a suicide mission basically for kicks, since having teleportation capabilities means that the CIA should be able to solve virtually any problem simply by teleporting it into space. His train of thought gets interrupted by the attack chopper shooting through a window.
Freeman: Yeah, that's what I get for thinking above my pay grade. Well, it used to be my pay grade, even though my pay was still kinda shit. This is just how the man keeps you down: with attack choppers.
- Later on, he gets the idea that it's the CIA themselves piloting the helicopter that keeps shooting at him.
This is like those people who hunt wolves from a helicopter! Really sporting
! Gives you the real thrill of the hunt! C-fucking
- Freeman regrets having to use a grenade to blow up some crates, saying "younger him" wouldn't have done that just to save time. He regrets this even more when some CP officers storm through the doorway he just cleared out, more because they probably would have moved the crates themselves.
- Freeman "experiments" on the attack chopper with a laser machine gun, and gets annoyed when his "test subject" won't stay still.
Freeman: No, what are you doing? Stop it! You're introducing a new variable! If you keep this up, you're gonna skew the results! No! Well, now you've done it! We're gonna have to start all over! (chopper flies away on fire) No, come back! The experiment's not finished yet! Typical test subject. This is why science takes so long, right here.
- Freeman finally opens the next gate in the canal.
Freeman: I just needed to press a button. Was that so hard? Well... yes. Yes, it kind of was.
- "The CIA should've just put me in charge of teleportation technology. I would never go insane with power."
- Continuing his train of thought from the last episode, Freeman concludes the helicopter pilot is the G-Man engaging in Hunting the Most Dangerous Game.
- Freeman confessing he expected someone was out to kill him since someone stole his lego as a kid.
- The sheer irony of Freeman worrying at the very beginning of the episode that a plane is about to fly overhead and bomb him because "that's what I'd do if I wasn't me", only to spend the entire rest of the episode fleeing from an attack chopper bombing (and shooting) him.
- "Yes, an outsider might be tempted to say that it sucks to be me, but that's a common mistake. It's still awesome being me! What sucks is everything around me, and on that they'd have a point."
- "Truth be told, I'm still not thinking outside the box enough. Really, I'm just moving from one box to another box. Shouldn't be surprised when I feel boxed in!"
- "I'm boxed in! It's not just a metaphor anymore!"
- "Come on, gravity, don't let me down now!" (sees he's about to fall into a mine) "Wait, no, let me down!"
- After another volley of gunfire causes him to crash on the side of a tunnel entrance:
Freeman: See, I missed! You're not helping! You're just another stupid backseat driver who thinks he knows everything, and you don't! I've had to deal with people like you my entire life, and now you have an attack chopper! Fuck everything!
- Freeman recalls the G-man talking about his "employers" and assumes that's just an excuse so he can say he was Just Following Orders.
Freeman: It's like he watched the Nuremberg trials, then took the exact wrong lesson from that!
- "Congratulations! You won a boat! Happy sailing!"
- Actually, whenever Freeman hits a soldier descending on a rope to get him, because he barely even notices them as he hits them with the airboat.
- Freeman hyperventilating at the end of the episode after nearly getting blown up by a mine, then making a Call-Back to the very first episode of the entire series.
Freeman: I changed my mind. I don't wanna be a pilot!
- "I said I wanted five minutes without being shot, but I wasn't thinking so literally! 'Beep-beep, okay, break's over. Your performance review says you're still not dead, so time to get shot again! Gotta get those metrics up.'"
- "Yeah, put my photo on a motivational calendar that says, 'Your life could be worse!'"
- After seeing the chopper topple a massive smoke stack (in what he calls "God Dominoes"), Freeman returns to his original theory about the universe collapsing because he was supposed to die but hasn't. He fully embraces it in a "if I go down, I'm taking as many of you with me as I can" sort of way.
I forgot me being alive is ending the world. And you know what? I'm gonna keep
forgetting! Yeah, I was destined to die a long time ago, but I didn't, so now the world's falling apart! That smoke stack went, next a rift in the earth is gonna open up. And I'm not gonna stop, either; I'm taking all of you with me! It's gonna get all Langoliers
up in this bitch!
- When Freeman comes across a weighted contraption for making a ramp over a wall, he concludes that it's a homeless person's trap for catching cats and proceeds to the simpler option of blowing the wall up with a grenade.
- Freeman still hasn't warmed up to the idea of the Vortigaunts being allies; when he sees one at the rebel checkpoint, he immediately comes to the conclusion that it's a mole and comes up with the idea to stuff it in his suit and send it on the boat in his place, calling it a "win-win", and then freaks out when he learns it's mounting a gun to his boat.
- Speaking of the rebel checkpoint:
Rebel: But getting there* with that Hunter chopper on your ass? Next to impossible.
Freeman: YEAH, TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW! THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE!
- Freeman doing jazz hands while ramping the airboat yet again.
- Gordon Freeman doesn't give two shits about paying tolls:
Freeman: I'm not paying your stupid toll! Send me a ticket! Oh wait; I don't have a license plate! FUCK YOOOOOUUUUUU! (shoots some CP on a ledge) FUCK YOU TOOOOOOOOO!
- "Wow, this is almost relaxing: only five or six bullets instead of a thousand! That chopper was a real source of stress!"
- "More barrels. We're back to Donkey Kong, eh, guys? Works for me."
- When Freeman has to do laps around a small canal in order to blow up a couple of CP trucks shooting rockets at him, he compares it to NASCAR, but harder because he has to turn right in order to kill other drivers.
- Gordon complains extensively about the airboat, which he believes is hindering his progress more than helping, and he would be much better off with something like a quad bike instead. He eventually comes to the conclusion that they only stuck him with the boat because nobody else wanted it.
Gordon: Look at how amazing I am! I out-engineered a problem that wouldn't exist if I wasn't in a fucking boat!
- "That's been my boating experience: just a fish flopping around in a puddle, with people shooting at me... and missing a lot, 'cause I'm a floppy fish."
- "I'm gonna eat you! I'm gonna eat your whole fucking chopper! I don't care if it's bad for my teeth!"
- Freeman's incredulity at the latest attack chopper's physically impossible stockpile of mines. He concludes that the chopper's being piloted by a magician, and half expects him to step out of the wreckage wearing a top hat after Freeman shoots it down.
Freeman: And now, for my next trick, BLAM!
- The first and second time the helicopter starts its mine spam, Gordon stops firing his gun, piloting the airboat, and even talking as he just stares in shock at what's happening.
- Later on, Freeman amends his bizarre theory to one where the mines are like balloons that normally take up very little space and are inflated with an explosive gas just before deployment (calling it a "party clown military"). He later shifts to a (barely) more likely explanation that the chopper is equipped with teleporters that are pulling the mines from another location, but then wonders why they'd bother with all the little mines when they could just teleport in a really big one that's guaranteed to take him out. Freeman concludes that everyone who was smart and competent was killed off early, and he's up against what's left.
- Freeman's confusion as to how the chopper kept flying and attacking him after a body had already fallen out of it and nothing was in the wreckage.
- Gordon has another encounter with the G-Man, who again vanishes before Gordon can reach him.
Oh my God. He did it again, didn't he? Yep, nothing here. What an asshole. What an asshole
. It's not even enough for him to watch! He has to make sure I see him
! I mean, what? Did he do some urban climbing in his suit and briefcase? I don't think so! He just teleported out again! You know, wherever I end up sleeping, the first thing I'm gonna see when I wake up is his face outside a window staring at me. I bet anything. You know, what disturbs me the most is, I had a clean shot. I coulda gone for him. I wasn't even thinking
about that earlier, now I am
. But he knew
that. He must
have! And he didn't care! This guy is not an idiot. He's ready
for me to turn the guns on him. But I don't know how
, which is really pissing me off. But I know that he knows and he knows that I know
, and the more we get together, the more I wanna kill him.
- Freeman encounters another dam, and yet more dam puns ensue.
Freeman: Yeah, my dam memories aren't very good. Last dam time was pretty awful too! Dam, now everyone's gonna think I'm an asshole if I talk about this, because this is literally the second time I've been attacked by a helicopter over a dam! No one's gonna believe that. They'll think I'm making this dam thing up to sound cool! Dammit.
- Continuing on from Episode 11's list of Black Mesa's mad science, they were apparently working on a way to kill people with your mind. However, they didn't get very far as the equipment was way too bulky, used way too much power, and couldn't kill anything bigger than a small dog.
- Freeman encounters a Vortigaunt rambling in a sewer pipe, and decides it's best to leave it alone.
- Rather than a decontamination spray, the airlock into the rebel base gases Freeman and knocks him out.
Freeman: (strangled and furious) Kleiner!