- Frasier tries asking Roz for her candor after his show.Frasier: It was a good show, wasn't it?
Roz: [holds out a piece of paper] Here, your brother called.
Frasier: Roz, in the trade we call that "avoidance". Don't change the subject, tell me what you think.
Roz: ... did I ever tell you what this little button does?
Frasier: I am not a piece of Lalique. I can handle criticism. How was I today?
Roz: Let's see. You dropped two commercials, you left a total of twenty eight seconds of dead air, you scrambled the station call letters, you spilled yogurt on the console board and you kept referring to Jerry with the identity crisis as "Jeff".
Frasier: ... you say my brother called? [takes the paper]
- The establishment of Frasier and Niles's dynamic.Frasier: Did you ever have an unexpressed thought?
Niles: (thin smile) I'm having one right now.
- The conversation between the brothers turns to the topic of Martin, who can no longer live on his own, as well as a hint at what Niles's wife is like.Niles: Of course, I can't take care of [Martin].
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes, of course. ... why?
Niles: Because dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?!
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her... from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun. Except without the warmth.
- After Frasier reluctantly agrees to take Martin in, a waitress comes along:Waitress: Will you be having anything to eat?
Frasier: No, I seem to have lost my appetite.
Niles: I'll have a large piece of cheesecake!
- After a few days with Martin in full Jerkass mode and Eddie, Frasier confides to Niles he's reaching the end of his rope.Niles: Maris and I were just discussing this. We feel we should do more to share the responsibility.
Frasier: You mean you'd take him in?
Niles: (laughs, then turns deadly serious) Dear God, no.
- Frasier's interviews looking for a homecare specialist don't go well.Frasier: I've never been more impressed with a human being in my life. (closes the door and turns to look at Martin) NOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THAT ONE?!
- Frasier is initially highly reluctant to hire Daphne, who's established herself as a full-fledged Cloudcuckoolander, until Martin points something out:Martin: What difference does it make to you? She's only going to be here when you're not.
Frasier: ... then what's my problem?
102: Space Quest
- A just woken-up Frasier encountering Daphne, who rattles off a mile a minute, all the while Frasier is having difficulty remembering who Daphne even is.
103: Diner at Eight
- Niles, supposedly Happily Married to Maris, meeting Daphne for the first time.
- Daphne displaying her "psychic" powers to Niles.Frasier: She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
104: I Hate Frasier Crane
- Niles, having come around to dinner without Maris, is distracted by Daphne again.Niles: Please, don't stand on formality. To you, it's just Niles and... ...
- A few seconds later, Martin is saying grace while Frasier is bothered by Eddie's constant staring.Frasier: (reaching breaking point) OH, WILL YOU STOP STARING?!
Niles: (who was looking at Daphne) I wasn't staring!
- Niles and Roz's first on-screen encounter.Niles: Hello, I don't believe we've met.
Roz: Yes, we have, Niles, three or four times, Roz Doyle.
Niles: Oh, of course, it was at the uh... it was during the... oh, well, I'm too far too successful to feel awkward. Where did we meet?
- And this still isn't enough to keep her in his memory, as Niles shows Frasier a negative review.Niles: Towards the end he even attacks your "dim-witted sidekick call screener".
Roz: That's me!
Niles: (looking at Roz as if he's forgotten she was sitting there) Oh, now I remember you.
- And this still isn't enough to keep her in his memory, as Niles shows Frasier a negative review.
- While outraged over Derek Mann's scathing review, Frasier assures Niles and Roz he won't stoop to his level. One act break later.Frasier: POMPOUS AND SANCTIMONIOUS, AM I?!!
- Frasier's ranting soon turns to Mann himself, who calls up to challenge Frasier to a fist-fight. Frasier tries to decline, prompting Mann to call him a chicken, so Frasier deftly tries to change the subject, but Roz is no help.Frasier: Roz, who else do we have on the line?
Roz: Well, on lines one to eight we have people who think you're chicken.
- Roz displaying her faith in Frasier's pugilistic abilities.Frasier: Did it ever occur to you I might actually win this fight?
Roz: Your shoe's untied. (Frasier looks down) If you fell for that one, you're going down and you're going down hard.
105: Here's Looking at You
- Frasier and Niles's discussion after Martin "breaks up" with Irene.Niles: Who knows why anyone does anything?
Frasier: (staring incredulously) Remind me what it is you do for a living.
106: The Crucible
- At the beginning of the episode, Frasier comes up with a creative way to get his listeners to call in...Frasier: You're listening to KACL, 780 on your AM dial. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. All our lines are open, so please, give us a call. [Beat] I'm just... sitting here waiting. [Beat] Hey, Seattle! Come on, I know you're out there! [fake laughs] Hey, look, I realise it's a, it's a sunny day, but, uh, on all those rainy days, I was there for you! [Beat] Well! All right then. If, uh, that's the way you want it, you leave me no recourse. [Roz looks confused] Uh... [sings] WHE-E-E-EN THE-E-E-E MOON HITS YOUR EYE LIKE A BIG PIZZA- [the switchboard lights up like a Christmas tree] That seems to have got you going there! Okay!
- At Frasier's big party, he notes Niles is there and asks where Maris has gone. Niles explains she's sleeping under a pile of coats in the spare bed - apparently she gets easily tired from the strain of being interesting.
- A few minutes later, Niles gets a little too close to Daphne.Daphne: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man - I love my Maris.
Guest: [enters the kitchen] Where should I put my coat?
Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
- Frasier gets frustrated with the art museum, and the prospect of getting lawyers to sue them, prompting a nasty shot from Niles, who'd recommended his own.Frasier: God, I hate lawyers!
Niles: Me too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
- Daphne trying to use her psychic abilities to find a lost earring of Maris's.Daphne: (holding Maris's other earring to get a reading) It's in your father's room... no, no, it's in Dr. Crane's room... (getting confused) Oh, this is odd, now it's in the hallway...
(Eddie rushes past them)
- After successfully talking Frasier down from throwing a brick through a store window, via a story about a humiliating incident in his childhood, Niles does a double take when Frasier mentions the humiliating nicknames he received for it... which Niles hadn't actually known about. So now Niles throws the brick through the window. Before running away Niles hurriedly scrawls out a check for the damages and tosses it through the broken window.Niles: We may be barbarians but we pay for our looting!
107: Call Me Irresponsible
- In order to get the Christmas cards done early, Daphne and Martin do up the apartment in the middle of October. After Frasier and Martin get into an argument, Daphne forgets what the date is:Daphne: Boys, boys, please! Don't fight! Are you forgetting what day it is?
Frasier: It's October 21st!
- Roz gleefully sabotaging Frasier's attempts to avoid talking to Marco.Frasier: (after having been told Marco is on line 2) Who's this on line 3?
Roz: Ooh, Todd. (disconnects) Oh, darn, we lost Todd.
109: Selling Out
- Frasier blasting Roger (Carl Reiner), a listener whose "problem" is he can't decide what to name his luxury yacht:Frasier: Roger, at Cornell University they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
111: Death Becomes Him
- The scene where, after spending an entire episode worrying about his mortality, including getting Martin and Niles little labels to put on the things they want bequeathed to them, Frasier finally calms down after a late-night talk with Martin. Just as they're heading off to bed... Martin mentions there's something on Frasier's robe. He checks, and with the utmost air of disgust... "Niles." (Niles had also earlier tried to trick Frasier out of pouring from a certain bottle of wine because he wanted it.)Frasier: The vultures are circling...
112: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street
- The first scene in the Crane household has Niles drinking a glass of eggnog. When he puts the glass down on the table for a moment, Eddie proceeds to drink a bit of it. Niles then drinks from the glass again with a confused look on his face.
113: Guess Who's Coming to Breakfast
- Martin has announced that he is going on a date with a lady who lives in the same building as them. Niles gets this little grin on his face, and Martin, without turning around, snaps "Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face!"
- One of Frasier's callers, Al (Henry Mancininote ), is lamenting that he hates the sound of his own voice; Frasier and Roz clearly don't like it either, as they have long since stopped paying attention to him. Frasier sticks a backscratcher in the end of his sleeve as though it's his hand and taps on the glass of Roz' booth, making her laugh as he holds his backscratcher hand to his face in a thoughtful gesture and then scratches his underarm with it; Roz then goes one better by sticking the chopsticks from her Chinese take-away lunch in her mouth as though they're walrus tusks and completes the impression by flapping her elbows as though they're flippers, and soon it's all Frasier and Roz can do to keep Al from finding out how hard they're laughing at each other's antics.
114: Can't Buy Me Love
- The Bachelor Auction, run by a former fellow cop of Martin's for a Widows and Orphans benefit, is pure hilarity.
- The tone is set by the hormone-addled screaming we can hear coming from the ladies in the audience - described by Frasier as a "Rotweiler pit" - as the announcer introduces Bachelor #18, "public television's own cute and cuddly Mr. Science". As Martin enters the green room, we can hear the announcer shouting "Please, please, keep articles of clothing off the stage!"
- Martin recognises Bachelor #19 as Seahawks linebacker T.J. "The Enforcer" Smith, who has put two quarterbacks in the hospital so far that season. When his number is called, he begs Martin not to make him go on stage, and when he returns with a Thousand-Yard Stare, describing the women as "like sharks at a feeding frenzy", he explains that the winning bid was placed by a woman with "this crazed look in her eye". The identity of said woman comes as no surprise:Roz: [entering the green room with a hungry look] Where do I pay?
Frasier: [jumping to his feet] Roz!
Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it! [T.J. takes one step toward the opposite door] STAY!
- Frasier is Bachelor #20; Martin suggests that if things are flagging a bit, he should drop a quarter and take his time picking it up. When he comes off stage, the winner having bid $500 for him, he says the last thing he can remember is someone shouting "Shake your money maker!"
- Finally, Bachelor #21, Bulldog, is called to the stage... and returns mere minutes later. He brushes it off by noting that most of the ladies had already exhausted their budgets for the evening. Then the winning bidder enters the green room with the same look most of the bachelors had when they left the stage, a look not helped by the backside slap Bulldog gives her on his way to the bathroom...Frasier: Oh my God, Daphne, why??
Daphne: [dazed, handing her cheque over to the purser] Things were slowing down, so your father asked me to shill! I opened at $100! Who knew that would be the only bid?
- But it turns out to be Bulldog who regrets Daphne's purchase; he takes her to a Seattle Sonics game, and she goes through a vast quantity of champagne... and turns out to be a talkative and belligerent drunk, with unfortunate consequences for Bulldog when she starts picking fights with the drivers honking at their limousine as they try to get out of the Seattle Center Coliseum car park:Daphne: [over the honking of other cars] Well that's annoying, isn't it. Certainly is taking a long time getting out of this parking lot. Did I mention this was my first basketball game? Yes, of course I did, three or four times. I still can't get over those players. They're positively gi-gan-tic! Not that being tall is the only measure of a man. [Beat] But it's a bloody good one! [doubles over laughing; Bulldog is not so amused] Oh, dear, I just insulted you, didn't I! I'm sorry. Oh well, you can take it, you're a tough little nut! [backhands Bulldog in the chest; his good mood is eroding more every second] Oh dear. This is not good. Not good at all.
Bulldog: What, you don't like the champagne?
Daphne: [peering into her glass as though looking into a microscope] No - I can see the bottom of me glass! [laughs]
Bulldog: [laughs as well] Well, bottoms up! [refills her glass]
Daphne: Oh, you are a naughty boy! Now, don't go getting any ideas! Oh, look who I'm saying this to. You don't have an idea in your head! [doubles over laughing again; Bulldog has the sort of forced grin that must be hurting his cheek muscles] Ah, I did it again, I insulted ya! Let's drink to that! [clonks her glass against Bulldog's forehead, spilling half of her drink and not helping his mood one bit] Boom! [laughs again; the honking of other cars gets louder] Oh, now, that is downright rude. [rolls down the window and yells through a yellow plastic megaphone] Hey you there! You in the Firebird! Yes, you! Stop that honking! [HONK HONK] Oh, now, now, just because you look stupid doesn't mean you have to act stupid!
Bulldog: Hey! Hey, hey, don't aggravate him, we're, we're kind of pinned in here!
Daphne: Oh, tosh! Civilisation's not going to progress one iota unless someone points out when people's manners are remiss!
Firebird driver: [HONK] MOVE IT!
Daphne: [through megaphone] AWW, SHUT YOUR BLOODY CAKEHOLE!
Bulldog: [pulling Daphne back] HEY! Don't do that- oh, great, he's gettin' out of his car! [sound of a car door opening and closing]
Daphne: Oooh, he's a tall one, too!
Bulldog: Quick, quick, roll up the window, lock the door! [does so]
Daphne: [smacks Bulldog's hands away] Oh, don't be stupid, he's not going to hurt a woman! [starts rolling the window down again]
Bulldog: [starting to panic] Just roll it up, roll it up! [tries to roll the window up again, only for the opposite door to open; the Firebird driver grabs Bulldog by his feet and starts dragging him out]
Daphne: [trying to drag Bulldog back] Oh, you let him go! Get your bloody paws off him! LET HIM GO, YOU BIG UGLY OAF!
Bulldog: [as Daphne loses her grip] SHUT UP!! [he is finally dragged out of the car as Daphne shadowboxes toward the Firebird driver, who closes the door after him]
Daphne: [looking out of the window] Oh! Well... we're moving. [rolls down the window and yells through the megaphone, turning her head to look back as the car moves forward] Thank you, Pitbull! I had a lovely time!... [she picks up the champagne bottle and one of the glasses and tries to pour herself another glass while slowly falling over sideways]
- In The Tag, Frasier, Martin, and Eddie have joined Daphne, who looks much the worse for wear, in the back of the limousine. While Eddie hangs his head out of the window, Frasier pours himself and Martin a glass of champagne each, but Daphne declines, choosing instead to drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water.
116: The Show Where Lilith Comes Back
- Lilith's role as a Sitcom Arch-Nemesis is established in her very first appearance; while this usually takes the form of quips directed at her, her very first line is a classic quip from her.Lilith: Congratulations, Frasier, you've done it again. [Frasier's smile vanishes as he realizes who's speaking] You've led another unsuspecting innocent down one of your dark, dead-end Freudian hallways.
Lilith: Over-eating is simply a behavioural problem caused by negative reinforcement. It can be cured quite readily by behaviour modification.
Frasier: I see. Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
Lilith: [perplexed] What do you mean by "celebrity"?
Frasier: [darkly] Oh, they know you. [slams on the mute button and turns to Roz] Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
Roz: [smug grin] It means I get to put on the air the calls I wanna hear.
Frasier: Well, Lilith, what brings you to Seattle? The constant rain?
Lilith: I'm here for a convention, and I happened to hear your voice on the radio. I kept hoping you'd introduce Pearl Jam's latest hit, but much to my chagrin, you were doling out worthless little advice pellets from your psychiatric Pez dispenser.
- Roz suggests that Frasier and Lilith have dinner. Since Lilith has called into Frasier's show, he must be gracious and make the invitation through clenched teeth, but he writes "You're FIRED" on a piece of paper and holds it up to Roz with a glower. Roz has already written "I'm union" on a file folder to answer him, and she holds it up with a smirk without missing a beat.
- At the dinner, Niles is frosty to the idea of Lilith coming. Seems at his wedding to Maris, Lilith snickered at the bride's vows, which she wrote herself. Given what Lilith quotes, including "sailing up the transplendent river" of Niles's love, we can't blame her.Niles: Maris was developing some sniffles, I just want to make sure she's taking in enough liquids.
Lilith: Isn't it enough that she's "eternally sipping from the font of your perpetual adoration"? [smirks]
- Lilith meets Eddie, who initially tries staring at her the way he does with Frasier.Lilith: Go away.
(Eddie scarpers, while Frasier stares in confusion)
Frasier: Why does he listen to you and not me?
Lilith: By my tone of voice he senses I mean business.
Frasier: Oh, I see. You're saying your voice is more commanding than mine is?
Martin: Hell, I took half a step back 'till I realized she was talking to the dog!
- Daphne is at least civil to Lilith, but the minute she shakes her hand, she turns around and murmurs that she's lost all feeling in her arm..
- When Lilith states she's happy to see Martin, he suddenly clutches his cane defensively, as if prepared to use it to fight her off.
- Daphne reacts to Lilith's presence with a splitting headache.Daphne: By the way, how many days will you be staying in Seattle?
Lilith: Just through the weekend.
Daphne: Well, enjoy your stay. (to herself) I'll be dead by Saturday night, I know it...
- Frasier tries convincing Lilith to apologize for her behaviour at Niles's wedding, which goes surprisingly well.Frasier: Listen, Lilith, uh, Niles is upset because you snickered at Maris' wedding vows.
Lilith: (genuinely puzzled) I simply responded with the spontaneous emotion I was feeling at the moment. But... if Niles is not mature enough to accept that, if he is so pitifully insecure, if he is in such need of validation, then I guess for some sense of familial harmony, I do apologize.
Niles: (suddenly hugs Lilith) OH, LILITH, THANK YOU! Oh, oh this bad blood between us has gone on far too long! Next time you're in town, we'll have dinner, just you and me. (leaves)
(Lilith looks in confusion at Frasier)
Frasier: He doesn't get that kind of validation at home, you see.
- It turns out Lilith isn't in town for a convention at all; she found a letter from Frasier pleading with her to reconsider their separation, which she assumes he left in her apartment when he visited Boston the previous month, and though she chides Frasier for using the phrase "Love will keep us together", she is receptive to the idea. Frasier tells her he wrote the letter much earlier, before he moved to Seattle, and she leaves in embarrassment. The next day, Frasier shows the letter to Niles at Café Nervosa:Frasier: I wrote this letter just before I came to Seattle, hoping for a reconciliation. She only just now found it.
Niles: Didn't the Captain and Tennille sing this?
Frasier: [irritated] Like they own those five words!
- Niles does not get any more helpful:Niles: Frasier, like most patients who come to a therapist, you already know the answer to the question you're posing. You just want me to agree with your decision, and, uh, support you, whether you expect me to agree with you or not.
Frasier: Yes, but I don't have an opinion in this case!
Niles: I'm sure you do.
Frasier: No, I don't.
Niles: Then I can't help you.
(Frasier thinks about this)
Frasier: Alright, alright. (thinks) I think in my soul, I'm leaning towards taking the next step and seeing if there's anything... there.
Niles: That is what you should do.
Niles: You know why.
Frasier: Damn it, Niles!
- Frasier decides to go talk to Lilith, and thanks Niles, but...Frasier: Thank you, Niles. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Niles: Yes, you do.
Frasier: DROP IT!
117: A Mid-Winter Night's Dream
- Niles's story about his failed attempt at sexual roleplay, starting from the moment he reveals his Pirates of Penzance-esque costume (part of which looks suspiciously like the infamous "puffy shirt").Martin: What's going on out there? [walks into the front room]
Niles: Hello, dad.
Martin: [taking in the sight of Niles' costume] ...never mind, I don't want to know.
Niles: No, Dad, wait, there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for the way I'm dressed.
Frasier: All right, just keep in mind that I reserve the right to say "stop" at any time.
Niles: Although, technically is it still an eye-patch when you're wearing it on your--
- And, as Niles sprawls desolately across an armchair, quite piratically:Niles: I'll never be able to face the maid again.
Martin: I don't think it's your face she'll remember. (cracks up)
- Daphne, having started going out with a barista from Nervosa, starts gushing about her happiness over breakfast, to Frasier and Martin's exasperation.Daphne: I'm already displaying the three signs of a woman in love: I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I've bought myself new underwear.
Martin: We need to get her a girlfriend to talk to.
- Niles rattling off the Long List of things Maris can't eat (pretty much everything):Niles: (after he's finished) Did I say nuts?
Frasier: Oh, I think that's implied.
- The second half of the episode opens with one of the funnier title card gags of the series:
- Daphne offers to cook a romantic dinner for Niles and Maris to help them reconcile, but, per the title card, a violent thunderstorm moves in over the Seattle area and not only prevents Maris from returning from the spa in Arizona to which she fled after her and Niles' misunderstanding, but also knocks out the electricity to Niles and Maris' mansion. Cut to Frasier overhearing Martin speaking to Daphne by phone, advising her to stay the night rather than risk going out into the storm. Frasier muses that at least Niles, whose crush on Daphne is reaching boiling point, won't try anything with Maris in the house. Then Martin reveals that Maris is in Arizona, and Frasier bolts to his feet, shouting "I've got to get Daphne out of there!"Frasier: My God, it's a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night! The only thing missing is someone shouting "Heathcliff!" across the moors!
- Meanwhile, Daphne, having had to walk a hundred yards in the pouring rain after a tree blew down across Niles and Maris' driveway, has changed into a silk dress and cape, the only clothes of Maris' that fit her, and Niles' mind quickly short circuits. He finally has the presence of mind to leave the room and call Frasier for advice, but as Frasier and Martin are already on the road, the only person to hear Niles' desperate message is a very interested-looking Eddie.
- Inevitably, Frasier and Martin spend most of the drive to Niles and Maris' house arguing about the route and Frasier's taste in cars. When the car finally stalls with their destination in sight, Frasier bolts out of the car and runs for the house. And even for that, Martin has some advice, which Frasier takes with his usual grace and dignity:Martin: You'll make better time if you take the shortcut by the side of the fountain!... [offended] Well, same to you!
- As the romantic tension between Niles and Daphne reaches its zenith, with the two of them curled up in front of the fire as each consoles the other over their recent romantic setbacks, a Glockenspiel clock which Niles and Maris bought on their honeymoon and which has been silent for years suddenly revives, leading to this gem from Daphne:
- Though most viewers probably know the true object of Niles' love that has re-awakened the clock, he interprets it as a sign that, for all the ups and downs of his marriage to her, he really does love Maris. The sight of her newly exfoliated face across the breakfast table, or sharing a laugh when they see someone wearing white after Labor Day... all part of what makes her special in his eyes. And he assures Daphne that she will find a man worthy of her love "just as soon as the gods create him," prompting her to give him a kiss of gratitude on the cheek - just in time for Frasier to arrive, hammering on the window like Ben Braddock in the wedding scene in The Graduate. Daphne is outraged on Niles' behalf that Frasier thought he was taking advantage of her, but her recital of what Niles loves about Maris loses something in translation:Daphne: Why, just moments ago he made a beautiful speech about how much he loves his wife, how he cherishes her excruciating little face, and how they laugh at white people! [Frasier looks at first Daphne, then Niles with absolute confusion; Niles looks a bit embarrassed, while Daphne ponders what she has just said] That didn't sound right, did it?
Niles: Close enough.
- Over the closing credits, Frasier merrily playing the piano while everyone sings — except for Martin, who's locked outside in the storm and banging on the windows much like Frasier was earlier, unable to make himself heard.
118: And the Whimper Is...
- Frasier has started catching on to Niles' Maris-related excuses.Frasier: Niles, at the end of this story, will I roll my eyes?
Niles: I did.
- Niles at the award ceremony getting mistaken for a waiter.
- Roz's increasingly angry determination to get her hands on a SB award.
119: Give Him the Chair!
- Frasier throws out Martin's chair while he's out and has to get him a new one before he gets back. He goes with Niles to the furniture store and fumble their way around before finally setting on a chair. No one is exactly pleased with the chair until the showman turns on the massage.
- Niles' reaction in the store is funny enough...Niles: I never knew a chair could be this satisfying! ...I never knew that anything could! ...I want it!
Frasier: Right, Niles. I'm sure it would fit in with all of Maris' eighteenth-century antiques.
Niles: Well, I'll just rent it an apartment and visit it on the side!
- ... but it's topped by Daphne's reaction once it's back in the apartment.Daphne: This is comfy, although it's a little on the soft side, and I prefer- ...hello!... oh, oh!... ooh, this is enough to make me give up me search for a meaningful relationship!
Frasier: Oh, oh, quick! That's dad! Get out, get out, get out!!
Daphne: (clearly annoyed) Oh, alright! Just like a man: now you've had your fun, you don't care where I am!
- Then there's Martin's reaction.Martin: (beat) That's DISGUSTING!
- Niles' reaction in the store is funny enough...
- Frasier's dealings with Leo, who doesn't seem to know what his actual role in the apartment building is:Frasier: Listen Leo, you have got to find that chair. I don't care what you have to do. Comb the entire building, search the neighbourhood, just find my father's chair!
Leo: "Dump the chair", "Get the chair", "Find the chair". What am I, the building lackey?
Leo: Oh, okay. [leaves]
- Frasier eventually finds the chair with a high-school drama teacher at the end of her rope. Frasier's desperate attempts to plea with her for the chair back fall on uncaring ears. Making things worse, the teacher catches on to Fras mentioning he'd once played a part in the very thing she's trying to make a production of...
121: Travels with Martin
- At Frasier's suggestion, Martin asks to go on vacation in a Winnebago. The minute Martin leaves the room, Frasier facepalms in despair, and Niles stalks over towards him with a serenely smug grin.Frasier: If dad and I get into a Winnebago, only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us.
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition.
- Niles recounting Martin's driving escapades when they were kids, driving flat-out to cover the most distance in the least time. "It wasn't until I was thirteen until I learned cows weren't blurry." This has left him highly resistant to coming along.Niles: I am not a Winnebago person. Whenever I see one on the highway, I look into the driver's eyes, hoping to see something that would explain why in God's name they would ever want to do something like this. All I see is a death stare under the brim of a hat made of miller lite cans. This is my final word: I'm not going.
(Martin and Daphne return from the kitchen)
Martin: Good news, Daphne's coming!
Niles: And so am I!
- Daphne says she likes the idea of just going somewhere with only one pair of knickers "and seeing where the road takes me". This distracts Niles, prompting Frasier to swerve to jerk him back to attention, causing Niles to bounce around the back of the RV.
- After finally convincing Martin to stop somewhere, Daphne finds out something just as the group get their photo taken with a stuffed bear.Daphne: Why'd she ask for Canadian dollars?
Martin: Because we're in Canada.
- The only word that Daphne can say with an American accent is "sure". This limits her responses to a border policeman who might find out she's not an American citizen.
122: Author, Author
- The brothers Crane descending into a brawl after being cooped up with each other for two long.Niles: (as Frasier is trying to strangle him) My god, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and trying to strangle me!
Frasier: You - stole - my - mommy!
123: Frasier Crane's Day Off
- Martin is not too sympathetic to the idea of Frasier being too ill to work (at least not after Frasier zings him for getting shot).Martin: At least I had a real job. Half your listening audience hears voices already, and the other half talks to themselves. If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
- Frasier insists he doesn't need to stay home, but the façade only lasts so long.Frasier: Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you, but, ah, I am a physician, I believe I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine, fit as a fiddle.
(Frasier leaves the apartment. Martin shrugs and goes back to his newspaper. Daphne gets barely two steps before the doorbell rings again)
Frasier: (weakly) I'm siiiiiick!
- With Frasier down with 'flu and no longer trusting Gil Chesterton to fill in for him without trying to steal his time slot, he sends Niles in as a replacement since he at least has the psychiatric training needed for the job. As the second act opens, Roz is showing him around Frasier's booth:Roz: ... and here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat. [picks up a tape] And most important, here's an extra long commercial to use if you need a bathroom break.
Niles: [chuckles] Thank you, but those won't be necessary - I have no cough reflex, and excellent bladder control.
Roz: [deadpan] It's true. All the good ones are married.
- In the third act, a now recovered Frasier returns to work, and thanks Gil and Niles for taking over from him during his indisposition, not taking in the decidedly sinister looks and waves they give him while watching him through the booth window. As Roz introduces his first caller, he presses a button... and his chair explodes. Cut to a still sick Frasier sitting up in bed in alarm.
- Fresh from his Catapult Nightmare, Frasier is now paranoid that Niles is trying to steal his slot and returns to the studio drugged to the gills. He eventually locks himself in the booth, and chaos ensues as he cuts off one caller, Robert (Tommy Hilfiger) by saying they've already had a Robert on the show (partly because he isn't paying full attention when Robert originally introduces himself and thinks there are two Roberts), dismisses a second caller, Janice (Patty Hearst), who is having in-law trouble as "BORING!", then, after telling the third caller, Marjorie (Mary Tyler Moore), that she is "on the crane with Frasier Air", gets distracted while leading her in a roleplay conversation between her and her boss by suggesting they go through the exercise again but with their roles reversed. Roz is finally able to summon security, who wheel Frasier out of the booth in his chair. Niles tries to pass off the debacle as a simulation of the hazards of drugs and their side effects:Niles: [as security chase Frasier past the booth] Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it "dope"!
- The next morning, Frasier wakes up, terrified at what he can remember, and Daphne (who's just spent the last several days putting up with Frasier's demands) informs him it was All Just a Dream...Martin: Why'd you tell him it was a dream?
Daphne: No fun telling him the truth now, when he's all doped up. I'll wait till tomorrow morning when he's good and lucid.
- Finding a former Cheers patron who's written a book based on something Frasier told him in confidence claiming his inspiration was in fact God gets Frasier, who'd been expecting some credit, riled...Frasier: Can you believe this man's grandiosity? I'm God and he knows it!
202: The Unkindest Cut of All
- Frasier bringing the puppies to the station gives us two moments of hilarity.
- Frasier tries to convince Roz to adopt one of them. It seems to work for a moment, but then immediately gives it back to him cold-heartedly. Frasier, despite desperately wanting to get rid of them, is absolutely disgusted by her.
- When Rita (Lily Tomlin) describes how hard it is being a single mom raising four kids, Frasier has the gall to ask her if shes "considered getting a puppy".
203: The Matchmaker
- The entire episode is one big Funny Moment featuring one hilarious Mistaken for Gay joke after the other. For example, when Niles thinks Tom, the new station manager, is chasing Daphne, who has a thing for him.Tom: Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier.
Niles: (haughty) Well, if you must know... (double take, pause) I'm sorry, what was the question?
Tom: Do you have some problem with me dating your brother?
Niles: (serene and smug) No.
- Shortly afterwards, Martin comes into the kitchen, while Tom, Daphne and Frasier are out on the balcony.Daphne: I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.
(they hear Martin cackling like a maniac from the kitchen)
- Frasier and Tom get the worst timing:Tom: You really had no idea I'm gay?
(Daphne, who'd been walking into the room, stops, turns around and removes her bra without breaking stride)
- At the very end of the episode, Tom and Frasier clear things up, with Frasier clarifying that neither he, Martin or Niles are gay. Despite Niles having apparently mentioned Maris more than once that evening.Tom: So wait a minute, this "Maris" guy [Niles] mentioned is a woman?
Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one.
204: Flour Child
- The title character is a bag of flour Niles "adopts" as a child to see how he would fare as a parent. Especially funny when it gets run through with a sword, drop-kicked into the reflecting pool, and eaten by Eddie. And Eddie ripping the 'flour child' apart in puffs of flour as Daphne looks mildly on and declares in an Australian accent, "'At dingo's got yer baby..."Niles: A real child would have cried before it burst into flames.
- Niles gets so attached to the bag of flour that he starts having nightmares of it being kidnapped and the kidnapper sending him muffins in the mail.
- Niles tries to include Martin in his little experiment, but the old man is having none of it.Niles: I'm role playing, dad.
Martin: Try playing the role of a sane person.
- Daphne, seeing Niles' experiment, gives the first mention of her... "strained" relationship with her mother, resulting in Daphne roleplaying herself and her mother, before getting into an argument with "her".Frasier: I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.
- Early in the episode, Frasier is told to sign a cutesy-looking card for the radio station's elderly security guard, Clarence. Assuming that it's a birthday card, Frasier signs the card with a darkly humorous quip about old age... only to find out that it's actually a get-well-soon card and that Clarence is very ill.Frasier: You mean that wasn't a birthday card?
Roz: No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.
Frasier: Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday. I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death!"
Roz: How could you think it was his birthday?
Frasier: I don't know, I guess I just didn't recognise the traditional card for a man in an advanced state of kidney failure was a giant pink bunny rabbit.
- Frasier decides that he must get the card back before Clarence finds out. Niles insists that Frasier stay and help him take care of the flour sack, leading to this brilliant line:
206: The Botched Language of Cranes
- Roz, at a dinner for a nun-run hospital, claims she wanted to be a nun as a kid:Father Mike: So what changed your mind?
(Roz pauses, and starts to smile innocently)
Roz: I didn't want to work weekends.
207: The Candidate
- Martin's endorsement campaign for a Republican candidate. His first is pretty standard stuff. The second, meanwhile, has him showing off his bullet wound to the camera. Which involves turning his back and bringing his pants down. We only see Frasier and Niles's reaction, which probably is for the best.
- Frasier endorses a candidate for Congress, calling him 'the sane choice. Later, that candidate (Phil Paterson) reveals to Frasier that he believes he was abducted by aliens. In a few weeks, a scandal goes out about Paterson having illegal aliens working for him. Frasier believes that it has been made public that Paterson believes in actual aliens. He attempts to remedy the public's doubt by talking about it on his radio show, only for him to blow the whole 'alien abduction' thing public, too.
- After Paterson leaves, Frasier sees a strange light searching outside his apartment, and starts panicking... it's just Chopper Dave buzzing his apartment.
208: Adventures in Paradise, Part 1
- The entire scene of Frasier settling a domestic dispute inside a French restaurant. Watch for yourselves.
- Niles, warning Frasier about the perils of his relationship, says just a little too much.Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person? (getting increasingly agitated) Someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!
(beat, as Niles realizes what he's said)
Niles: Marriage. ... I have to go now.
- The reveal of just who's next to Frasier's apartment at the resort, as Frasier enjoys a balcony view while Marianne gets prepared...Frasier: (seeing Marianne) My god..
(Frasier sees the source of the voice - it's Lilith, in the balcony right next to his)
Frasier: OH MY GOD!
209: Adventures in Paradise, Part 2
- Having inadvertently driven away Frasier's date, Lilith borrows some fruit-on-a-stick and sits down in Martin's chair. Frasier, having left the room to get rid of Eddie, assumes she's Marianne... until Lilith stands up.Frasier: Get ready for some forbidden fruit... (sees it's Lilith) YAAAAAAGH!
- Lilith reveals that she's getting remarried. Everyone stares at her for a moment until she clarifies that it's to someone other than Frasier. Martin then throws his cane aside and staggers halfway across the room to hug her. This is probably the fastest he's ever moved on the show.
- Diane's first appearance on Frasier, despite being an Imagine Spot:Diane: Frasier?!
211: Seat of Power
- The Crane Boys trying to fix a toilet. Hilarity Ensues. Meanwhile, Niles informing Maris about their efforts gets her turned on...
212: Roz in the Doghouse
- Daphne asks Frasier why he can't just admit that he's wrong. Frasier's answer speaks volumes about his worldview.Frasier: You don't understand! It's not the same as Dad being wrong, or your being wrong! I have a degree from Harvard! Whenever I'm wrong, the world makes a little less sense!
213: Retirement is Murder
- Niles at the basketball game misunderstanding the situation when a packet of peanuts gets thrown at him, repeatedly throwing it back.
214: Fool Me Once, Shame on You. Fool Me Twice...
- Frasier plans to meet the guy who stole his briefcase at Nervosa. Niles points out a little flaw in his thinking.Niles: Frasier, the person who stole your car keys asked you to meet him here, knowing you'd bring your car.
Frasier: Now, now, before you launch into your paranoid riffs, my car happens to be (looks out the window) MOVING DOWN THE STREET! (rushes to his feet) Stop, stop that well-dressed man!
- Frasier getting dragged off by the police thanks to the con artist and a woman he'd tried flirting with misidentifying him as the imposter.Frasier: People of the world, hear me: Trust no-one, (points at the con artist) especially that lazy bastard!
216: The Show Where Sam Shows Up
- Roz, who never met a man she didn't want to pursue (apart from the Cranes), meets Sam, who never met a woman he didn't want to pursue. Despite - or, rather because of - Frasier's many stories about Sam's womanising ways, Roz asks if he needs someone to show him around Seattle, and he says he gets "real lost in [his] hotel room". "I imagine wild animals all over the Northwest are lifting their heads, alerted to the scent," says Frasier.Roz: Well, if you need any company, give me a call. (gives Sam her card) Here's my number.
Sam: Well, thanks. That's a snazzy card!
Frasier: (drily) It glows in the dark.
Roz: (grins) So do I!
- Sam's fiancee admits to having sex with members of Cheers. Frasier slept with her as well, but he's afraid Sam will be upset if he finds out. However, she says that she was embarrassed about sleeping with Paul (the dumpy balding barfly). Sam is... sort of... okay with that. But then she reveals there was someone else, and Frasier starts panicking again - until she reveals that she also slept with...Sam: Cliff? Cliff... you? You slept with Cliff? CLIFF?! Oh no, that's it, wedding's off! (storms away) Cliff - oh, God!
Sheila: Whoa... Frasier, you've got to help me. You've got to talk to him.
(Frasier sits down on the couch, in full Heroic BSoD)
Frasier: I slept with a woman who slept with Cliff?!
- During The Tag, on his way home from dropping Sam off at the airport, Frasier is castigating himself, "Cliff? Cliff?! CLIFF?!?!" (You don't hear him say anything, but the lip-reading isn't too difficult.)
217: Daphne's Room
- As the episode opens, Frasier is searching the living room for a book. As he walks over to the piano, he starts picking out the melody from the second movement of Mozart's Piano Concerto No.21, but soon shifts to a four-note ascending scale... which he recognizes as the intro to Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Balls of Fire". So he sits down and launches into a full-throated rendition of the first verse, finishing with a Lewis-style glissando that spins him around on the bench - just in time to see Martin and Niles entering, at which point he quickly goes back to picking out the Mozart melody.
- Niles and Maris have had yet another bust-up after he foolishly took her at her word when she insisted that she wanted no acknowledgment whatever of her 40th birthday (not her first 40th birthday, according to Frasier). Martin tries suggesting perfume ("She gets hives"), chocolates ("Hypoglycaemic"), and roses ("Allergic"), but Niles comes up with the perfect solution - and is well aware that Frasier and Martin will not be on board for it:Niles: I know! I'll throw a great big party for her this weekend. [gasps as inspiration strikes] It'll be a costumed ball, with a, a Louis Quatorze theme right down to the powdered wigs and the crushed velvet pantaloons! [hurries to the front door and opens it] May I presume you're both coming down with colds? [Frasier and Martin cough loudly; Niles smiles knowingly] And so it goes. [leaves]
- The climax of the episode: Thanks to Niles being a prat, he and Frasier wind up in Daphne's bedroom, and then Martin stumbles in on them making a mess. Things get worse from there, until Daphne, having apparently left the house, comes back in and stumbles on the scene.
221: An Affair to Forget
- One of Frasier's call-in patients puts him on the trail of a possible affair between Maris and her fencing instructor, Gunter. One can't-keep-his-mouth-shut moment later, Niles is leaping to conclusions and challenging the man to a duel. Here's the entire scene.Niles: En garde!
Frasier: Oh, yes, Niles, that's just what we need: a FOURTH language!
- Frasier and Martin talking about whether Maris's fencing instructor is the same Gunter he's hearing about on his show prompts an epic level of Martin snark.Martin: I'm sure there's a bunch of German fencing instructors with dozens of students.
Frasier: Yes, but are they wealthy students?
Martin: No, they're young inner city kids trying to work their way out of the ghetto with nothing but a foil and a dream(!)
- Even Roz can figure out who Frasier's talking about from her sheer weirdness, even when he's being tactful.Frasier: You don't know this woman, she doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart.
Roz: Whoa, it's Maris.
- With Niles at rapier-point, Frasier has to admit he made something of a translation error:Frasier: He didn't steal your... shoes?
Niles: My shoes?
Frasier: Yes, I'm sorry. Apparently I mistranslated.
- The following scene, with Gunter (who only speaks German) having to be translated via Marta (who speaks German, but can't speak English and has problems with pronouns) via Frasier.Frasier: (translating what Marta said) He couldn't help it. Maris is irresistible... irresistible?
Marta: (shrugs, checks with Gunter)
222: Agents in America, Part III
- The episode opens in Café Nervosa as Bebe Glaser (described by Niles when he spots her but blanks on her name as "Lady Macbeth without the sincerity") tries to persuade Frasier to aggressively pursue a substantial raise as he negotiates his contract renewal at KACL. She claims to be getting offers from other radio stations every day, and finally, Niles interjects:Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table. [extends his hand toward Bebe]
Bebe: [shakes Niles' hand] Niles, thank God you're here, back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the devil, Frasier - run fast, run far.
- Bebe later admits that there are no other job offers, but she does succeed in persuading the station to re-negotiate Frasier's contract from scratch. They celebrate with some champagne... and the next morning, Frasier is horrified to discover that he and Bebe ended up sleeping together as she enters wearing nothing but her shoes and the shirt he was wearing the previous day.
- Martin and Daphne share Frasier's horror:Martin: [hurrying to the kitchen] I, uh, think I'll go in the other room and eat my breakfast. [sotto voce] While I still can.
Daphne: I better go cook for him. [looking at Bebe] I know how the Crane men like their legs- eggs! [flees to the kitchen]
- But the funniest reaction is from Niles, when he arrives:Bebe: (answering the door, still only in Frasier's shirt and her own shoes) Good morning, Niles! What a lovely surprise! We were just about to sit down to a big family breakfast. Won't you join us?
(Niles gives a very frozen smile, and rings the doorbell again. Frasier grimaces and nods, admitting to everything, before waving Niles in)
Frasier: Come on in, Niles... it's all right. (guides Niles into the living room as Bebe snuggles up behind him) We were... we were celebrating, you see, the station called to renegotiate my contact.
Niles: Ah. (takes in the sight of Bebe and Frasier) Paid your commission up front, I see.
- Later, Niles takes a slightly different tack:Frasier: Well, all right, just go ahead, get your shots in!
Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.
- Martin and Daphne share Frasier's horror:
- Frasier, stuck watching daytime soaps with Daphne, snarking at the improbable names.Frasier: "Oh, Zirconia, can't you see Stone doesn't love you, he loves Placenta!"
- The final act of the episode involves Bebe faking a suicide attempt in order to make Frasier look like a hero so the negotiations go into his favor. Frasier is not happy upon finding out, as he thought she was going to actually jump because he rejected her advances, down to outright calling her a "crazy bitch". The icing on the cake is provided by Bulldog's reasons for why she shouldn't jump:Bulldog: You got to save her, Doc. My contract's up in six weeks. She's my agent, too.
- Ultimately, Frasier tears into Bebe for manipulating him, KACL, the media and the whole of Seattle. Bebe's only response?Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?
(Frasier thinks about this)
Frasier: I suppose I am.
223: The Innkeepers
- In the first scene, Gil reveals to Frasier, Roz, and his listeners that Orsini's, a faded star in Seattle's fine dining firmament, is closing its doors after 53 years. Niles arrives with a first edition of John Steinbeck's Saint Katy the Virgin, and we get a hilarious exchange of snark between Niles and Roz:Niles: Quite a charming book, really, it's a shame more people haven't read it.
Roz: Ooh, let's see!
Niles: [pulling the book away from her] Don't - touch! The smallest smudge decreases its value.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, guess what thriving Seattle night spot is closing its doors!
Niles: [gasps] Roz, you're moving! [Roz glares at him, grabs the book, and licks the cover before handing it back]
- The minute details Frasier and Niles mull over after deciding to buy Orsini's in the second third are even better after watching the whole episode. Their snobbish reaction when they realized they thought of the perfect name: Les Frères Heureux.Niles: What's the word for "lighthearted" in French?
Frasier: (thinks for a moment) There isn't one. (thinks further) I've got it, Niles: Les Frères Heureux!
Niles: "The Happy Brothers". Brilliant. It's homey, but just hard enough to pronounce to intimidate the riffraff!
- The brothers, in fact, insist that the place will be really high-tone.Frasier: Yes, we'll make the place very exclusive. No sign on the outside, no advertisements and an unlisted phone number.
Martin: Hey, don't stop there. Maybe you could post some guards on the roof to shoot people as they try to get in!
- The whole last third, set on opening night, becomes a perfect storm of pratfalls, squabbling, and humiliation. The Disaster Dominoes start toppling early on when a confusion over the one-way doors in and out of the kitchen leads to two waiters getting a concussion and a broken nose and having to be taken to the hospital by the bartender, conflicting orders from Frasier and Niles about the soufflés lead the head chef to Rage Quit, and when Niles gives a Field Promotion to the sous-chef and comments that the governor has two members of the immigration bureau at his table, the rest of the kitchen staff flee in terror with a cry of "Sacre merde!"
- So, inevitably, the regular cast are forced by Frasier to take over, with Niles as the chef, Daphne as the dishwasher, Roz as a waitress, and Martin as the bartender. The kitchen includes a tank of live eels, and Niles is in charge of killing one to cook it.
- "All right, stop it! Get a grip. You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes! Now quick, Niles, kill five eels."
- Then Niles asks how he's supposed to kill them, and Frasier tells him he can throw a toaster in the tank for all he cares. Frasier goes out to attend to the customers, and the lights dim.
- Niles decides to hack at an eel with a meat cleaver and is splashing like a moron.Frasier: What in God's name are you doing? Just reach in there and get it over with!
Niles: Not until I'm sure it's dead!
Daphne: Oh, for Heaven's sake!
- She stalks over, yanks an eel out of the tank, whips it around to smack it against the edge of the table, shoves it in Niles' hand and goes back to the other side of the kitchen. The brothers' expression...
- For extra laughs, pay closer attention to the eel Niles is holding after Daphne kills it.
- One customer tells Frasier that her veal piccata should be veal marsala. Frasier takes the plate back to the kitchen, and in less time than it takes to read this paragraph, Niles flings the veal over his shoulder to Daphne, who washes it off with the tap as Niles wipes down the plate and holds it out to catch the veal as Daphne flings it back; Niles then ladles marsala sauce over it and Frasier sprinkles garnish over it before taking it back out to the customer.
- The evening's dessert special is cherries jubilee, but Niles and Frasier keep adding more brandy to it without realising the other brother is doing the same. Eventually, the time comes to flambé the cherries, and... you can guess what happens next. The look on Frasier's face right after the explosion is hilarious. The look on Daphne's face when the emergency sprinklers go off (after a fifteen-second delay) is also priceless.
- Only one customer is not outraged and infuriated.
- And at the end of the evening, we get the payoff of the increasingly patchy memory of long-serving waiter Otto, who has been put in charge of valet parking and keeps having to be reminded who Frasier is when he calls him over the radio. Frasier asks Otto to fetch the car of the customer who had been served the wrong sauce with her veal:Frasier: [to the angry, departing customers] Now for those of you who are leaving, please keep us in mind for your next special occasion. We plan many new and... exciting innovations in the weeks to come.
[Otto drives the veal customer's car straight through the restaurant wall, sending the customers screaming and fleeing in a panic]
Frasier: ... starting with our... our drive-through window.
224: Dark Victory
- Niles tries to go home during a blackout, but soon after comes back to the apartment gasping heavily and looking terrified.Niles: Nineteen floors—down to my car!—Garage door's electric!—Can't open!—Twenty floors back up!—Lost count!—Bad lady upstairs!—Big dog!—Need place to die!
- This episode introduces Mercedes Ruehl as new station boss Kate Costas, who is immediately at odds with Frasier over ways to improve his programme. Frasier suggests new introductory music; "Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartók's Concerto for Orchestra in D minor." Kate rejects the idea, as while she might like classical music, most listeners think Classical Music Is Boring; "Oh, incidentally, Bartók's concerto is in C." The funniest part for classical music fans? They're both wrong; inasmuch as it's in any key at all, it's in F.note
- Because Frasier refuses Kate's insistence that he give priority to "juicier" calls, she re-assigns him and Roz to a post-midnight graveyard time slot, forcing him to sleep days, and Eddie - who is wearing a protective dog collar - starts barking upstairs at the dog who injured him. This causes Frasier to explode as well.Frasier: I asked you to keep that dog quiet and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!
- When Frasier, still angry at Kate for assigning him to a graveyard slot, takes his anger out on Daphne with incredibly misogynistic insults, Martin marvels at Daphne for keeping her cool. She calmly says that it's part of her job. However, she calls Eddie to take a walk with a very loud whistle, causing Frasier to scream in pain offscreen.
- As Daphne and Eddie leave, Niles arrives; the B plot revolves around him trying to get a gun for defense, as the security at his house is screwing up. At this point, he's bought a starter's pistol, and while explaining to Martin that it gives Maris a sense of safety, he accidentally fires it. Frasier runs out of his room freaking out about what just happened.Niles: You see, as long as Maris thinks it's real, it makes her feel secure, and this way, no-one can get hurt! [as he gestures with the gun, he accidentally fires it toward the floor; he jumps up on the sofa in alarm as Martin nearly spills his coffee and Frasier comes barrelling out of his room]
Frasier: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!? Was that a gunshot?!
Niles: [innocently] Morning, Frasier, just getting up?
Frasier: "JUST GETTING UP"!? Are you out of your mind?! A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: Yes, and there's no need to get snippy, accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!
- That night, Frasier and Roz settle in for their second very early morning broadcast.
- Things start off badly; Frasier is sleep-deprived, Roz is cranky after having had to leave a date early to go to work, and their first caller, Mark, says he works at a 24-hour mini-mart and seems to think his picture on the security camera is a different person to the real him. Cut to later, and Frasier and Roz have both fallen asleep as another caller, Phyllis, relates how she is being driven to despair by chronic insomnia. When they finally wake up, Frasier tries to cover for the fact that he hasn't been listening by telling Phyllis that things might seem clearer to her after a good night's sleep; an outraged and insulted Phyllis slams down the phone. The increasingly frazzled Frasier and Roz proceed to turn on the only available targets: each other.Frasier: [as Roz knocks on the glass and signals that he should go to commercial] Oh. Oh. And now, for a word from, um, uh, argh... [leafs through the papers on his console] someone... uh... I forget, I think they sell paint. [pushes button as Roz takes off her headphones and exits her booth]
Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career, going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh, God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight. [buries his face in his hand in despair]
Roz: Helped!? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: [defensively] Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: FREAKS! Freaks on Line 1, freaks on Line 2, FREAKS, EVERYWHERE!
- Frasier and Roz pull themselves together, united in opposition to Kate, as they decide to put on a... raunchy broadcast. As they tell each other, if they're going down, they're taking her with them.Frasier: We've got one hour left. If she wants raunch, we're gonna give her more raunch than she ever dreamed of! Are you with me, Roz?
Roz: [sexily] Just pump up the volume and call me Kitty! [she returns to her booth]
Frasier: Okay! [punches a button on his console] We're back, Seattle! And in accordance with new station policy, we are going to be pandering to the lowest human instinct! In other words, WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX? Sex, sex, sex sex sex sex sex! [Roz plays a sound effect of a whip cracking] YEAH! I wanna know who's havin' sex, how you're havin' it, I wanna know if you're havin' it RIGHT NOW!
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, the lines are hot, [breathily] really... HOT.
Frasier: Thank you, Kitty. [pushes a button; lustily] Hello, caller. What are you wearing?
Caller: Nothing. I'm naked.
Frasier: [as Roz bounces with delight] HEY! That's a GREAT idea! Let's all get naked, HEY, I'm gettin' naked RIGHT NOW! [he begins stripping to his underwear]
Roz: While Dr. Crane strips, our new station manager would like to know if you prefer to be the spanker or the spankee?
Caller: Oh, definitely the spanker.
Frasier: Well, then hop in a cab! I'm not wearing any pants! [swings them above his head as Roz whoops]
- Cut to the next morning, as a thoroughly unamused Kate and a sheepish-looking Frasier are listening to a recording of the broadcast.Frasier: [on recording] While Roz laces up her leather bustier, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, all talk, all night, all naked!
- Things start off badly; Frasier is sleep-deprived, Roz is cranky after having had to leave a date early to go to work, and their first caller, Mark, says he works at a 24-hour mini-mart and seems to think his picture on the security camera is a different person to the real him. Cut to later, and Frasier and Roz have both fallen asleep as another caller, Phyllis, relates how she is being driven to despair by chronic insomnia. When they finally wake up, Frasier tries to cover for the fact that he hasn't been listening by telling Phyllis that things might seem clearer to her after a good night's sleep; an outraged and insulted Phyllis slams down the phone. The increasingly frazzled Frasier and Roz proceed to turn on the only available targets: each other.
- The end credits where Martin is having trouble with the TV, so Daphne puts Eddie on it to fix the reception.
302: Shrink Rap
- Frasier and Niles start a clinic together. After they get on each other's nerves too much, they walk out from the therapy session they're holding to have a discussion outside, and we get this gem:Niles: I'm warning you, Frasier, I have made a fist and I am thinking of using it!
Frasier: Niles, you are not scaring me—the thumb goes on the outside, Niles! On the outside!
Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
Frasier: I don't need your group! I've got a group of my own, half a million strong!
Niles: Oh yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it FrasierStock!
- Frasier finally wins the long-running feud over where the place their ornamental plant:Frasier: All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the sunlight it needs! [hurls the plant through the window - without bothering to open it first]
305: Kisses Sweeter Than Wine
- Niles poorly trying to cover for his nosebleed, which he gets whenever he's caught in a lie.Frasier: You just sniffed.
Niles: I didn't sniff, it was a snort of contempt. (sniffs)
Frasier: A snort is out, that was in!
306: Sleeping with the Enemy
- The episode opens with the news that Kate has imposed a wage freeze for budgetary reasons; Frasier is incensed until Roz points out that only the technical staff are affected, at which point said technical staff are the ones who become incensed at Frasier for his apparent indifference to their plight.Roz: Frasier, I spent that raise already! On my new diamond earrings! [pushes her hair back to show off said items] And I love them, I love them so much I slept with them!
Frasier: [unable to resist] Well... Roz, as long as you're doing it for love, that's a step in the right direction! [grins and pats her on the arm]
- But Frasier does concede that the wage freeze is unfair on the technical staff, although he tells Roz that calling Kate a "Nazi in nylons" is "not your best icebreaker". Roz tries to rally the staff, but only succeeds for a moment:Roz: Oh, you're damn right we're gonna tell her!
Roz: We've all been here a hell of a lot longer than she has!
Frasier: That's right!
Roz: [as Kate opens the office door] She pushes us, we push back! [silence from the staff] She's standing Right Behind Me, isn't she!
Kate: Yeah! [Roz looks embarrassed] Is there a problem? [Roz opens her mouth to speak, but loses her nerve] Nope? Good. [sweeps off]
- Once Kate leaves, Roz tries to rally the staff again, and Noel makes a hilariously misguided attempt to be Pretty Fly for a White Guy:Roz: Okay. If she wants to play tough, we'll play tough back. [murmurs of agreement from the staff] We still have a lot of power here. Now we could go on strike! [murmurs of disagreement from the staff]
Frasier: No, no, you know what, I, I think you should listen to Roz! Every year, in exchange for your hard work, you receive a 5% raise, now, you've fulfilled your part of the bargain, she has blithely changed the deal!
Noel: In the 'hood, they call that "being dissed".
Frasier: Yes... my streetwise friend!
- A few careless words later, Frasier ends up "volunteering" to bring the rest of the on-air talent around to the idea of joining their production staff in going on strike. Niles shows up midway through the cocktail party Frasier hosts as part of his charm offensive, and after Frasier convinces Niles that his finger is nowhere near his brother's Berserk Button of not being invited to friends' parties, he reveals that Maris has a... peculiar way of showing her support for working stiffs:Frasier: [answering the door to reveal Niles holding a fountain pen] Niles.
Niles: Good evening, Frasier, you left your Montblanc in my car, so I... [as Frasier takes the pen, Niles trails off as he takes in the sight of the KACL staff sampling the available food and drink] Oh. [his voice turns ice cold] I see cocktails. Hors d'oeuvres. Milling. If I were the suspicious type, I would say you were throwing a party to which I was not invited!
Martin: [walks up with a plate of snacks] Feel like a wiener, Niles?
Niles: Indeed I do!
Frasier: [rolls his eyes] Niles, this is not a party, and Dad, that is $14 a pound andouille sausage.
Martin: Wow. Means Eddie ate about thirty bucks' worth. [walks off]
Frasier: [rolls his eyes again, and turns to Niles] Niles, these people are colleagues from the station, we're here to discuss a labour dispute.
Niles: Oh. Well. [to the KACL staff] Fight on, people! [some of them give him a confused look before returning to their conversations] You know, there is no greater friend to the working man than my own Maris.
Niles: Remember, when our stable boy Joaquim's appendix burst? [the elevator dings to signal the arrival of more guests for Frasier's party] She had him driven back to the border at her own personal expense! [leaves]
- A bit of creative manipulation by Martin sways the on-air talent, but the technical staff have made a poor choice of spokesman in Noel, who cannot get through an attempt to act tough without getting the giggles. Frasier pulls Roz aside for a word:Frasier: Our leader is Noel Shempsky!? The man has all the backbone of a paramoecium!
Roz: What- do you think that is my idea?! Noel and I were the only two who volunteered! 'Course, they voted me down. [getting steadily angrier] I'm smarter than he is, more confident, more articulate, but those stupid little wusses think I'm a hothead!
Frasier: [gestures to Roz to calm down] But... Noel, Roz! A lot of people's jobs are riding on this, including mine!
Roz: Then you do it!
Frasier: No, no, me!?
Roz: Oh, please! Frasier, you've got to do it-
Frasier: [over Roz' pleading] Me?! No, no, I've done enough already- [Noel knocks on the door of Frasier's booth; Frasier opens it] WHAT!?
Noel: Dr. Crane, I can see that you're concerned about my negotiating skills, but don't be. I have a secret weapon... [exchanges a conspiratorial look with the other staff members] I can faint at will. Check it out. [his eyes roll up in his head, and he falls to the floor like a puppet that's had its strings cut]
Frasier: [sighs] Okay, people, there's been a coup, I am now your leader! [Roz leads the staff in a cheer of approval]
- Frasier leads the staff to Kate's office, but they don't stand behind him for long...Kate: [exits her office] Well. What have we here?
Frasier: We are dissatisfied with the wage freeze and we demand to speak to you about it! [Beat; he prompts the staff] Don't we?
Staff: Yes!/You better believe it!/Absolutely!...
Kate: All right, but aren't you people still on the clock?
Staff: Yes.../You better believe it.../Absolutely... [they quickly disperse]
- So Frasier speaks to Kate alone, but his confrontation with her becomes a classic example of Slap-Slap-Kiss. When he confesses the truth to Martin and Niles, Daphne becomes especially interested, and chooses a rather... unfortunate way of insisting that nothing Frasier could say will shock her:Frasier: [pouring himself a sherry as Daphne clears the dining table] I was in her office, and... tempers flared, and... [Daphne picks up the coffee pot and heads to the kitchen] Next thing I knew, we were... locked in a passionate kiss!
Daphne: [immediately turning back to the living room] Ooh! Go on! [grins expectantly]
Frasier: Daphne, I'm really not that comfortable talking about this in front of you.
Daphne: Oh, no need to be shy around me! I'm a professional healthcare worker, I-I've seen it all! I've helped your father in and out of the bathtub.
Martin: Okay, Daphne.
Daphne: I've seen his bits!
Martin: [embarrassed] Hey- oh, for God's sakes! [Niles makes a disgusted face]
- So Frasier tells Martin, Niles, and Daphne that his kiss with Kate was like nothing he'd ever experienced before: pure sex, almost animalistic in nature.Niles: Oh, well, that, we've all experienced that, who hasn't? [sputters derisively, then downs a large mouthful of brandy]
Daphne: I'm no stranger to that feeling meself. It can strike without warning, and you don't know who it will be. [sits on the arm of the sofa next to Niles] Why, you could be standing next to a person [gesturing toward Niles] month after month, and then the next thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off. [Niles is giving her a Longing Look during this speech; true to form, she doesn't notice] There's a word for it.
Daphne: Hmm? [looks at Niles, who tries to look innocent]
- Martin raises the possibility that Kate initiated the kiss with Frasier to throw him off balance during the contract negotiations and asks who made the first move. Frasier isn't sure, so he tries to re-create the scene, but runs into a bit of a snag:Frasier: Do you suppose it's possible she's just using sex to sway me to her side?
Martin: Well, figure it out. Who made the first move, you or her?
Frasier: There was no first move! It was more like spontaneous sexual combustion!
Martin: There's always a first move. Think.
Frasier: [sets his sherry on the table by Martin's chair] All right. I was standing in front of her desk like so... [moves to the front of the coffee table, facing the sofa] She was facing me - Niles, you be Kate.
Niles: [coldly] I will not.
Frasier: Well, just stand up!
Niles: I'm always the girl! In every prep school play, I was the girl! Guinevere, Marian the Librarian, Ado Annie, well no more, I'm through with it, when do I get to be Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO?
- Daphne has her own opinion on the situation, which Frasier refutes:Daphne: It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want!
307: The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl
- As the episode begins, Niles and Frasier meet up when Frasier is supposed to be meeting Kate for coffee, and Frasier is skittish.Frasier: I just want to discuss the little dilemma we find ourselves.
Niles: If you mean the little kiss you two shared, that hardly constitutes a dilemma. It's not as if you two plunged into a tawdry office affair.
Niles: Then you'd have a real problem.
Niles: A kiss is nothing.
Niles: Had sex with her, didn't you?
- Niles misunderstands the mechanics of how Frasier and Kate did the deed.Niles: What are you saying, her couch folds out?
Frasier: We used her desk.
Niles: (amazed) Her desk folds out?
- On discussion of Frasier and Kate, and how he's scared of how fast the relationship is moving, Frasier tries to get Daphne to think of them hypothetically sleeping together, which Daphne finds ludicrous, so he suggests she imagine it's with someone else.Frasier: You have a mad tryst with a young man, and then the next day he says that he thinks things are going too fast, and he'd like to slow down. What would you say?
Daphne: (thinks about it) I suppose I'd say, "thanks for being honest. You're probably right, we were moving fast. (expression turns dark) Not that it was too fast for you last night. Oh, no, we were right on schedule then, weren't we? But now you've had your fun, but not too much apparently, and now you want to be my friend. Well, you can sod off, Trevor Mulgrew!"
(Frasier and Martin stare in concern)
Daphne: You know, I might just have some buttons for this shirt (flees)
- The whole sequence where Frasier and Kate's lovemaking session is broadcast over the airwaves is hilarious, especially the reactions of Martin, Daphne, Eddie, and Niles:[Martin and Daphne are playing dominoes at the dining table while listening to the radio; Eddie is on the chair next to Martin]
Newsreader: In local news, Congressman Robert Gill was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment facility. Asked to comment, the Congressman said-
Frasier: [on radio] Yes! YES! I am a bad boy! [Martin and Daphne recognise Frasier's voice and slowly turn to the radio with shocked expressions, while Eddie climbs up on the back of the chair and looks very interested] You dirty girl! Come to your bad boy! [cut to Niles, listening on his car radio, mouth wide open with absolute horror] Oh, yes!... oh no, is that the "On Air" light!?
Kate: [loud whisper] Stop talking!
Frasier: [not quite whispering] You must have hit the switch with your elbow while we were-
Kate: [louder whisper] Stop talking!
Frasier: We'd better hurry up and get dressed while we still-
Niles: [to radio] STOP - TALKING! [he looks back through his windscreen and slams on the brakes, but too late; he hits the vehicle in front of him, causing the airbag to inflate in his face]
- The next day, as well as presenting Frasier with a bill for the repairs of his car and the car he rear-ended, Niles reveals that Maris was so embarrassed by Frasier's indiscretion that she has had her name changed on her stationery to "Maris Crané".
- The newspaper headline about the affair:I Won't Fink, says Kinky Shrink
309: Frasier Grinch
- There's a Christmas-time delivery mixup between Frasier and a Mr. Franklin Crane who lives on the other side of the continent. The educational toy Frasier had picked out months ago has gone to the wrong address:Frasier: (aghast) Do you know what this means?!
Niles: (ready to laugh) Yes. The Cranes in Maine have got your Living Brain!
- Frasier tries to read a Christmas parable he has written while the KACL Christmas party is going on around him; with Roz having been dismissed early, Gil and Bulldog more than pick up the slack when it comes to trying to derail the story.
- After winding lights and tinsel around him doesn't do the trick, Gil slips out while Bulldog pulls out his lighter and tries to set Frasier's script on fire:Frasier: One [blows out Bulldog's light] night, one [blows out the lighter again] windy night...
- Gil returns with Candy Cane, a Santa-themed stripper Bulldog hired for the party; as she performs, Frasier just about finishes stumbling through the rest of his parable with his dignity mostly intact, then turns to leave, only to come back in, shouting "Oh, what am I, a robot?" and kissing her passionately.Frasier: [triumphantly] And to all, a good night!
- After winding lights and tinsel around him doesn't do the trick, Gil slips out while Bulldog pulls out his lighter and tries to set Frasier's script on fire:
312: Come Lie With Me
- Frasier begging Daphne not to leave by noting that if she does, he and Martin will kill one another... then clarifying that he's not being hyperbolic.Frasier: I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I - both dead. Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.
- Daphne's solution to Frasier's problem with her dating: Blatant Lies and plenty of 'em, claiming Joe was wounded during the Falkland Wars. By a goat, not because he was a participant in the conflict.
313: Moon Dance
- Frasier, having just returned from a vacation with Freddie, refuses to listen to Martin trying to fill him in on what's happened with Niles and Daphne, insisting he might as well not be there, so when Niles shows up to take Daphne on a date, Frasier is left utterly dumbstruck.Frasier: For all intents and purposes, I am not here!
(doorbell rings, Daphne enters in a red dress)
Daphne: That'll be me date! Oooh, I'm so excited! This is my first ball. I hope he likes me dress!
Daphne: Hello, Dr Crane, welcome back! (she opens to the door to Niles, dressed in a dinner jacket and holding a red rose) Hello.
Niles: (taking in Daphne) Wow!
Daphne: (chuckles) Oh, you. (takes the rose)
(Frasier looks to Martin in confusion; Martin looks impassive)
Niles: Oh, Frasier, you're back. Well, our carriage awaits.
Martin: And you'd better get her home at a decent hour. I'm gonna be waitin' up for ya.
Daphne: (laughs) Oh, Mr Crane!
(they leave. Frasier stands there, wide-eyed in confusion)
Frasier: ... what the hell was that?
Martin: (making a show of looking around) Eddie, did you hear something? Can't be Frasier. He's still on vacation.
314: The Show Where Diane Comes Back
- Frasier's reaction when he finds out Diane is back is priceless. It is so ridiculously over the top.[Frasier is finishing a broadcast; in the background, Roz is on the phone, looking worried]
Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780.
Roz: [hangs up the phone and presses the intercom button] Frasier, that was security, some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them!note
Frasier: Oh, don't panic, Roz, probably just one of my more ardent fans.
[in the background, Diane walks past the back window of Frasier's booth; her face lights up, and she taps on the glass. Frasier turns around and she waves at him, all smiles. Smash cut to black... from which the camera pulls back to reveal Frasier's wide open mouth, his face frozen with abject terror]
[cut to Niles' office, where Niles is seeing a patient, Mr. Carr; Frasier bursts through the door]note
Frasier: [out of breath] Niles we gotta talk, it's urgent!
Niles: Frasier, I'm with a patient!
Frasier: [turns around and notices Mr. Carr] Oh, I'm sorry...
Mr. Carr: [standing up] Is, uh, this about a woman?
Mr. Carr: [with sympathetic embitterment] Take all the time you need. [leaves]
- Lilith isn't even in this episode and Niles still gets one of his best quips at her expense, but his demeanour instantly becomes gravely serious when Frasier reveals the real reason he burst into Niles' office:Frasier: She's back! The scourge of my existence!
Niles: Strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town: dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the walls...
Frasier: [holds up a hand to stop Niles' snark] I'm talking about... [choking the words out] Diane Chambers.
Niles: [presses a button on his intercom] Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.
- When Frasier reveals that Diane has returned, Niles' first instinct is to put himself in the role of Frasier's therapist to get at the root of why he reacted so strongly to her. Frasier, however, orders Niles to put his notepad in a desk drawer - which Niles starts to find frustrating after a few seconds.Niles: My first question to you is this: are you still in love with her?
Frasier: [immediately, jumping to his feet] NO! Not in the least, it's a ridiculous suggestion. [begins pacing the floor]
Niles: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase "classic denial", I'll move on. So... about this woman for whom you have so little feeling that you raced across town and burst into one of my sessions... is there any lingering resentment?
Frasier: Over WHAT?! [falls back into the armchair heavily]
Niles: [stands up and walks across to Frasier] Well... she did leave you at the altar. When you told her how that made you feel, was there anything you left unsaid? [Frasier avoids eye contact with Niles] Any... phrase or feeling you wish you had expressed to her? [Frasier continues to look anywhere but at Niles, obsessively brushing his hand against the arm of the chair] I'm making the assumption here that you did tell her how you felt.
Frasier: ... I sorta did.
Niles: "Sort of" is another of those phrases that just... wants to go in my pad. [looks toward his desk drawer and sighs]
Frasier: I expressed my distaste for the way I'd been treated, yes.
Niles: Frasier, she rejected you in the most debilitating way a man can be rejected, you've got to more than "sort of" tell her how that felt!
Frasier: [gets up, walks to the door, and leans against it] I just can't tell Diane how awful she made me feel now! It's a distant memory for her! I'd feel weak!
Niles: [with a supportive smile] You have no reason to feel weak. You've moved on in your life, too - you have a new career. New... wealth, new success. You simply need closure in this one area.
Frasier: [thinks, then turns to Niles] You know, what you just said made a lot of sense.
Niles: [beaming] You're going to get closure.
Frasier: No, that business about my success! I tuned you out after that!
- Frasier announces that he's going to invite Diane to dinner at his apartment and "really rub her nose" in his success, even though he knows he should take the high ground. Niles agrees that Frasier is making a mistake, but...Frasier: Niles, I know it's not psychologically sound, but... we're still human! We have to do what feels good sometimes, don't we?
Niles: [after a moment's reflection] I'd just like to be on the record as saying: I'm against it.
Frasier: Fine. [heads for the door]
Niles: You know the path that leads to peace with Diane, and you're rejecting it.
Frasier: [opens the door] Yes.
Niles: I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
Frasier: [grins] Wouldn't miss it for the world, though, would you?
Niles: I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux! [Frasier points at him in confirmation and exits; Niles rushes over to the desk, opens the drawer, grabs his notepad, and begins frantically scribbling notes on it]
- That evening, Daphne makes no attempt to hide how ridiculous she finds Frasier's behaviour.
- Frasier insists that his SeaBee award, which is shaped like the Space Needle, must go in the middle of the mantelpiece, where Diane can't miss it. Daphne says "that seems a bit subtle" and suggests instead using it to serve the olives, spearing one with the point.
- Meanwhile, Frasier puts his Otis Klandenning Man of the Year award, a small silver bowl, on the table next to Martin's chair; when he offers Diane an olive, Daphne holds up the bowl and says "You can spit the pits in here." Which Diane attempts to do - except Frasier pulls it out of the way, and the pit lands in a disgusted Martin's lap.
- Diane's first conversation with Martin in nearly a decade doesn't exactly go smoothly:Diane: [sitting on the corner of the coffee table nearest to Martin's chair] Well, Martin, it's been too long, how've you been?
Martin: Well, my wife died, I got shot in the hip, and I had to move in with Frasier because I kept falling down in the shower.
Diane: [trying to hide her discomfort] Well, you look wonderful! [pats Martin on the leg repeatedly] Yes you do!
Martin: [nodding toward the leg Diane is patting] That's the bad one. [Diane clenches her fists in apologetic embarrassment]
- As Diane greets Niles for the first time in years, she laughs as she remembers that when he last joined her and Frasier for dinner, he had just started dating "the queerest little creature", who ate everyone's sorbet and then had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat check girl massaged her abdomen. She notices Frasier and Martin staring at her uncomfortably while Niles, who has been estranged from said "little creature" since earlier this season, avoids eye contact:Diane: Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it, you and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
Niles: [with an ironic smile] No, can't say as we did.
- Niles follows Frasier into the kitchen when he gets the evening's dessert, a plate of profiteroles, out of the fridge to be dusted with powdered sugar. Furious at how Diane appears to have become even more successful than he has done since their failed wedding, he vows to tell her how it really made him feel as he frantically shakes sugar all over the profiteroles. Niles (having used the excuse that Frasier always overpowders to go into the kitchen to begin with) makes a "That's enough" gesture, but Frasier ignores him, and Niles finally puts his hand between the profiteroles and the sugar to save them from a powdery demise.Frasier: The savage truth this time, there will be no sugar-coating it! [grabs the plate] And yes, I am aware of the irony! [blows the excess sugar off the profiteroles - straight toward Niles, who tries to duck out of the way]
- Martin making no attempt whatsoever to hide his notice of Diane's facial tic (only sporadically mentioned on Cheers as being triggered by emotional distress), especially John Mahoney's delivery of "There it is again!" and Daphne describing it as "either a very large twitch or a very small seizure." The next time it happens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin all scoot back from the table in alarm.
- As it turns out, Diane's life has been in a tailspin for a while; she lost her job writing for Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman after accidentally setting Jane Seymour's hair on fire, her boyfriend of two years broke up with her, she lost her beach house, and her friends stopped calling - and when she arrived in Seattle to oversee rehearsals of her play, her backer withdrew the funding. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the sight of Diane's meltdown reminds Niles of another woman prone to such emotional displays...Daphne: Well. That was a bit scary.
Martin: I'll say. Watching someone go completely crackers like that. [Niles sniffles] What's the matter with you now?!
Niles: Nothing, I'm fine. Just... suddenly missing my Maris... [Martin rolls his eyes, but nods in understanding; Daphne gives Niles a comforting hug]
- This little exchange, at a point where Frasier has been spending rather more time with Diane than he expected and is clearly starting to feel conflicted about things, and comes across Niles in Café Nervosa. And keep in mind that during the following, Niles never says a word:Frasier: My God, Niles, it's such a glorious day! I walked all the way here. Thirty-two blocks, and Bruno Mallies be damned! [sits down] Oh yes, I see the look, I know exactly what it means too. How could I very well say "no" to Diane? She came to me in crisis. [to a passing waitress] Oh, excuse me, a double cappuccino, please, light cinnamon, thank you. [sighs happily] Oh, you know, the change in Diane has really been quite gratifying. Dropped her off at the theater today, and there was a smile on her face that I haven't seen in... well, far too many years. Oh, I know what you're thinking. Where did she get the money to do the play? Well, she found a backer! [pause; defensively] It's tax deductible! [the waitress brings his coffee to the table] Thank you. [to Niles, increasingly agitated] Oh, why don't you go ahead and say what you're thinking, Niles? That I'm falling for her again. [sarcastically imitating Niles' voice] "Well, you did bounce in here as though you were on top of the world, and babbling about her smile" — I just don't want to hear it, Niles! I'm simply helping her to get back on her feet and out of my life as quickly as possible. [Niles starts to open his mouth] No, I don't know how long it's going to take. [Niles starts to open his mouth again] Look, I said I don't know! Oh, really, Niles! Curse you, you are the most infuriating busybody! I'm not sitting with you. [flounces off in a huff; Niles watches him leave, then picks up his notepad and pen and starts writing]
- a pretentious stage version of Cheers with Diane as Mary Anne. Words do not do it justice. Diane giggling in delight at her own jokes (which she actually stole from Norm) was the icing on the cake. And Frasier's speech is just epic, especially his delivery of "bony fingers!""Franklin": Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting left at the altar thing... I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.
Frasier: [eleven years of anger and resentment reach boiling point] I... may be able to illuminate that for you! [Diane looks worried as Frasier marches up onto the stage] What you are feeling is that this woman has... reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hellhounds for a CHEW TOY! [Diane is mortified] It's not the last time, either. Because that's what this woman is! SHE IS THE DEVIL! It's no use running away from her! Because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those BONY FINGERS!! So drink hearty, Franklin, and LAUGH! [marches off the stage again and back up the aisle] Because you have made a pact—with BEELZEBUB!!! AND HER NAME IS MARY ANNE!!!
[Diane is stunned into silence as the actors applaud] Diane's play,
- A subtler moment from the end of the episode has Frasier walk out the bar door, only to come out after a beat, realizing it's a stage door that doesn't go anywhere.Frasier (abashed): Force of habit.
Diane: I've been doing it all week!
- And in The Tag, Diane's play's use of internal monologues delivered by characters in spotlights on an otherwise darkened stage is spoofed when Martin catches Eddie chewing on a sock. Fade to black, then a spotlight shines on Eddie as a thought bubble appears above him saying "I can't help it. It's what I do."
316: Look Before You Leap
- Martin mentions how Daphne is always talking about wanting to change her hairstyle and then proceeds to imitate her accent. In addition to being hilarious, it's just so....weird. Doubly so because John Mahoney is British! Perhaps this entry from the comments section of the attached YouTube video describes it best:Matthew Stagg: An actor from Manchester playing an American character doing an impression of a Manchester accent but deliberately missing and hitting West Yorkshire (which he surely knows) to an English actress from Essex aiming for a Manchester accent, missing slightly and hitting West Yorkshire. There are layers here people, layers.
- With prodding from Frasier about "taking a leap" on 29 February, Roz gushes about a guy she met on a bus on the air - and freaks out when she realizes what she just said.Roz: [disgusted] Oh my God, oh my God, how could I say "I really liked you and I thought you were cute," who am I, Marcia Brady!?
- The snowball gag of Niles's exponentially increasing libido, after having gone for months without sex.
- Maris has cleared her calendar from 7-7:30pm that evening (which means foreplay and cuddling, according to Niles), but Frasier tells him sex would just cloud the issue of their growing marital difficulties and tells him not to go. But Niles isn't giving up so easily, and he shows up at the radio station trying to rationalise having sex with Maris as his own "leap". Frasier shoots down this idea, leading to this hilarious gem:Niles: [as Roz enters Frasier's booth] Frasier, Frasier, what if we don't have sex, what if we just snuggle?
Roz: Whoops, excuse me! [drops a paper on Frasier's desk and heads back to her booth... and realises Niles is watching her]
Niles: Roz... I never noticed what a perky little walk you have. [a horrified Roz breaks into a run before sitting back in her chair as Frasier runs after Niles]
Frasier: Oh, Niles...
Frasier: NILES! [grabs Niles and pushes him out of Roz' booth]
- Frasier tells Niles to get control of himself, and Niles vows to "marshal [his] self-discipline and be strong." He leaves the booth and walks past the window behind Frasier - and immediately turns around when he passes a female KACL staffer going in the other direction. As he passes the door to Frasier's booth, Frasier opens it and hurls a glass of water into Niles' face, causing him to turn around immediately again.
- Maris has cleared her calendar from 7-7:30pm that evening (which means foreplay and cuddling, according to Niles), but Frasier tells him sex would just cloud the issue of their growing marital difficulties and tells him not to go. But Niles isn't giving up so easily, and he shows up at the radio station trying to rationalise having sex with Maris as his own "leap". Frasier shoots down this idea, leading to this hilarious gem:
- Daphne's reaction to her awful haircut, urged by Frasier. Even more hilarious, Niles thinks her hideously mangled haircut is hot, moaning, "Will these infernal temptations never end?!"Daphne: (sobbing) Take a leap! Mr. Maurice hair-designer! Trust me! Children pointing! Your fault!
- With Roz, Martin, and Daphne all worse off for having taken Frasier's "take a leap" idea, Niles defies him and declares he's going to spend the evening with Maris after all. His parting gesture involves gunning down his sherry before hurling his glass into Frasier's fireplace.Frasier: YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!
Niles: I DON'T CARE! NILES GOTTA HAVE IT!
- The episode's climax is one of the funniest scenes in the entire series. The title card says it all: HUH?
- Roz is one of the volunteers taking donations by phone for Seattle's PBS pledge drive, and she is still angry at Frasier for persuading her to ask out her bus crush over the radio - only to discover he is married and is just looking for a sleazy affair. Such is her ire that she sarcastically declares her admiration for Frasier's courage in singing in Italian under unflattering studio lights with sweat-soaked clothes on live television. Meanwhile, Pete, Frasier's accompanist for his own "leap", the tenor aria "Ella mi fu rapietà" from Rigoletto, tells him that although high notes are no problem for him (he plays one to demonstrate), he's not so sure about Frasier.Pete: Yo, Doc! Doc! [Frasier hurries over to the piano] Please. Please, I've been going over your music, and when we get to this section here, either I can play really loud or jab you with a pin, 'cause between you and me, you're not hitting this note without a pole vault!
- Upon being given the ten-second warning, Frasier snaps and decides to go back to singing his standard, "Buttons & Bows" (originally sung by Bob Hope to Jane Russell in the 1948 western The Paleface). This angers Roz even more, as Frasier is backing out of taking his own leap after forcing her, Martin, Daphne, and Niles to take leaps which all landed them right in it up to their necks. Frasier insists that while an unwise man doesn't learn from his own mistakes, only an absolute idiot doesn't learn from the mistakes of others; this does not placate Roz:Roz: [sarcastically] But you promised all your listeners!
Frasier: OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE!? [the red "live" light on the camera in front of him lights up] WHO WATCHES PBS?!... [realises his last three words went out live, and switches to his suave radio voice] I'll tell you who...
- And then comes the payoff. Savvy viewers know that because Frasier's performance is the culmination of the whole episode, The Show Must Go Wrong, but what really makes it hysterical is how it goes wrong, and how badly. After cowering out of taking his leap and playing it safe, Frasier actually makes things worse for himself - despite having sung the song on live television several times, he only knows about a quarter of the words. The icing on the cake is that Kelsey Grammer was genuinely ad-libbing Frasier's garbled lyrics to make the performance seem more authentically bad, and he tries to grin and dance through it as though nothing is wrong even as more and more of the words come out as gibberish.
- Things start to unravel before Frasier even gets to the end of the first verse; he knows the first three lines are "East is east and west is west / And the wrong one I have chose / Let's go where you'll keep on wearin'", but all he can remember of "Those frills and flowers and buttons and bows / Rings and things and buttons and bows" is the last three words of each line, so he just improvises "Da da das" to fill the rest of the lines.
- And then comes the second verse; he remembers "Don't bury me" but fumbles "lovely pea" instead of "on this prairie", can't remember any of the next line,note and starts "Let's move down to some big town" with "Let's all go..." before realising his mistake and ad-libbing the hilarious "to a taco show" so that it still rhymes, and never quite gets the verse back on track.How I- such and thrush, blow my nose
You look great in buttons and bows!note
- For the bridge, he only gets through "I love you in buckskin" before dissolving into unintelligible grunting, turning his back to the camera, and mopping his brow, while the phone volunteers look more and more confused at what they're seeing. He tries to get things back on track by shouting "Everybody!" before the third verse - and comes up with "My bones denounce the fearful trounce / La la-la la mole that grows".note After that, it's all downhill, and Roz can only grin triumphantly at Frasier's brush with Laser-Guided Karma:Ba-da seuss, a palm caboose
And a mebby hawd and pantyhose
You look buppity buttons and bows!note
- Cut to Martin and Daphne laughing uproariously at Frasier's disastrous performance of the song's marathon final line, which he renders as a series of nonsense syllables that finally end with "buttons and bows".note They try to rewind and watch it again, only for Eddie to run off with the TV remote.
- Roz is one of the volunteers taking donations by phone for Seattle's PBS pledge drive, and she is still angry at Frasier for persuading her to ask out her bus crush over the radio - only to discover he is married and is just looking for a sleazy affair. Such is her ire that she sarcastically declares her admiration for Frasier's courage in singing in Italian under unflattering studio lights with sweat-soaked clothes on live television. Meanwhile, Pete, Frasier's accompanist for his own "leap", the tenor aria "Ella mi fu rapietà" from Rigoletto, tells him that although high notes are no problem for him (he plays one to demonstrate), he's not so sure about Frasier.
- In The Tag, Niles stops by to console Frasier, who asks him if he had sex with Maris after all. Though we cannot hear the dialogue, we can see Niles smiling reassuringly while mouthing "No" repeatedly. But as Frasier walks off, Niles scratches behind his ear and finds a dollop of creme fraiche, one of his and Maris' favourite substances to lick off each other...
317: High Crane Drifter
- In the setup for this episode, Frasier seems to be on the receiving end of rude or selfish behaviour from the entire population of Seattle, especially from his upstairs neighbour, Freddie Chainsaw, who blasts the music of his own band, the Newport Chainsaws, at such high volumes that Frasier's whole apartment shakes. Daphne shrugs it off, saying that she used to live upstairs from a punk band who endlessly rehearsed a song that, according to her, went "Flesh is burning!... [imitating guitar] Da-na na-na na-na..." She then sighs that she'll have that song stuck in her head all day now. Later in the episode, she is subconsciously singing it again... and so is Martin!Frasier: (as Freddie Chainsaw plays his music) Doesn't he ever stop for sex and drugs?
- The last straw for Frasier comes when Doug Harvey, a Café Nervosa patron, sweeps in and steals a table from him and Niles while they were busy thanking its previous occupants for leaving; when Doug shows no remorse whatever for his callous act, Frasier literally throws him out of the café while telling him he needs "an etiquette lesson", to wild applause from the other patrons. The Seattle papers run a column applauding how he took a stand against rudeness, but when he goes to work the next day, he discovers the downside of setting a bad example as his show becomes a parade of tales of Disproportionate Retribution.Frasier: [presses a button on his console and begins his show] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. Who's on the line, Roz?
Roz: We have Mitch on Line 3, he's having trouble with his neighbours.
Frasier: [presses the button for Line 3] Hello, Mitch.
Mitch: Make that "had trouble." The idiot next door had his leaf blower going at 7am. Again.
Frasier: Oh, that is very inconsiderate.
Mitch: Yeah, I'll say. That's why I decided to give him an etiquette lesson. [Frasier chuckles] I grabbed that leaf blower and smashed it against a tree! [Frasier's smile is immediately replaced by a shocked look; Roz laughs]
Frasier: ... Mitch, I must say, I'm stunned. I can't imagine a more extreme response to such a... minor infraction.
[dissolve to later; Frasier has removed his blazer and loosened his tie as he listens to another caller]
Chris: ... so I snuck into his backyard and shoved a whole pound of rotten shrimp into his air conditioner! Come on summer!
[dissolve to still later; Frasier has unbuttoned his sweater vest and rolled up his sleeves as he listens to yet another caller]
Chuck: Hey, he asked for it. So I... put one hundred scorpions in a FedEx package. [even Roz looks perturbed by this]note
Frasier: Look, I- I'm sorry, but... no matter how provoked you may have been, there- there is no earthly justification for [dissolve to even later still] SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE! [Roz grins; Frasier's tie and sweater vest are now on the desk next to him]
Rochelle: But she doesn't curb her dogs! [Frasier puts his hand to his forehead and sobs quietly]
- Finally admitting that he was as out of line as his callers, Frasier tries to apologise to Doug, only to get slapped with an assault lawsuit now that a café full of witnesses have heard him admit to throwing him out. Then Niles intervenes in one of David Hyde Pierce's greatest performances:note Niles: Oh, Frasier, I'm not surprised he's hiding behind lawyers. What other behaviour would you expect... from a chicken?
Doug: ... what did you say?
Niles: [glares at Doug] I was speaking to my brother. [standing up] But, to put it in language you can understand: [imitates chicken clucking]
Frasier: [mortified] Niles! This is no time for you to assert yourself!
Doug: [to Frasier] Hey, your brother's making trouble here-
Niles: Ooh, ooh, ooh, what are you gonna do? Flap me with one of your big fluffy wings?
Frasier: Niles, stop it! Please excuse him...
Niles: Oh, for God's sake, Frasier, don't waste your breath on this hairy, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing troglodyte who's probably the only male in existence who suffers from penis envy! [grins and bounces up and down excitedly on his heels]
Doug: You look here, buddy...
[Doug prods Niles in the shoulder - and, in a masterclass of physical comedy, Niles reels backward as though punched, knocking over two chairs, a table, and a hat stand before falling onto a second table, breaking it and sending its contents spilling everywhere]
Frasier: [racing over to his brother] NILES! Niles, are you all right?
Niles: [pulls Frasier close and whispers] Countersuit.
Frasier: [jumps up melodramatically] OH MY GOD! NOBODY MOVE HIM!
Doug: I barely touched him!
Frasier: THEN YOU ADMIT YOU TOUCHED HIM! He admits it! [Niles groans] Oh, Niles, Niles, I'm here for you, I promise you we're going to get you the best care that THIS MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY! [sotto voce] My God, Niles, that was brilliant! You even got a tear in your eye!
Niles: [pained] I landed on a fork.
318: Chess Pains
- Frasier, Daphne, and Martin meet Niles' new dog, Girl...who, it is painfully obvious to everyone except Niles, is a four-legged doppelganger for Maris—down to the ridiculously aloof and spoiled personality (and the fact that Niles seems emasculated to slave status). After an involved and multi-layered sequence where Frasier, Martin and Daphne can only stare wide-eyed at the spectacle...Daphne: Am I the only one -
Daphne: Does Dr. Crane have any idea?
320: Police Story
- At the end of the episode, Frasier's feeling low, thanks to a cop he'd been interested in preferring Martin, and working late at KACL, where Roz has been planning to throw a surprise party. Roz initially tries to be sympathetic, or at least get him to not talk about his romantic dry spell while the co-workers are hiding in her booth... until Frasier snaps at her, at which point she throws the door open so they can hear every embarrassing detail.
321: Where There's Smoke, There's Fired
- The first scene features a classic zinger from Niles directed at the absent Bebe Glaser:Frasier: Daphne, has Bebe Glaser called back yet?
Daphne: 'Fraid not!
Niles: You're still consorting with that... barracuda!?
Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. No, it's just that, uh, the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. [the doorbell rings; Frasier leaves to answer it] I must admit, she's... rather hard to get a hold of these days!
Niles: Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times. [Martin almost spits out the mouthful of coffee he has just drunk]
- The ringer of the doorbell is not Bebe but Roz, who arrives just as Daphne is introducing Niles and his newly reduced cash flow to the wonderful world of coupon cutting, setting up a glorious moment of Roz-Niles snark:Niles: [reading a flyer of coupons] This is great! I don't even know what Renuzit is, but it's 20 cents off and I want it!note [he begins cutting out the coupon]
Roz: You're clipping coupons?
Niles: [proudly] I'm economising!
Roz: Ah. Well, it's about time, you spend money like a drunken sailor.
Niles: She said authoritatively.
- Frasier learns from Roz that KACL's new owner is Texan media millionaire Wilfred S. "Big Willy" Boone; Daphne drily observes that such a nickname offers a telling glimpse into his psyche, and Frasier clearly feels uncomfortable using it. When he finally meets the man, Big Willy insists on being addressed as such:Big Willy: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little problem and they told me you're just the fella who could fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly, Mr. Boone.
Big Willy: Well, actually I prefer "Big Willy."
Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy. [Roz visibly struggles not to laugh]
- It emerges that Big Willy wants Frasier to help his fiancée quit smoking (and makes it clear that this is an order, not a request); if she doesn't, he will call off their engagement. Frasier gets a nasty shock when he discovers who Big Willy's fiancée is...Frasier: That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler. [sits down and pinches the bridge of his nose]
Roz: Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You make this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to syndication!
Bebe: [appearing in the doorway] Did someone just say the word "syndication", or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favourite client! [walks toward Frasier, arms outstretched]
Frasier: [still despairing] Oh, Bebe... [embraces her and kisses her on either cheek]
Bebe: Is something wrong, dear? [Frasier half-moans, half-sobs; we see Big Willy talking to two other station employees through the back window]
Roz: We just met Big Willy.
Frasier: [sitting down again] Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician, he wants me to play therapist to his little fiancée, no doubt some gold-digging piranha so devoid of scruples that she's willing to rob the coffin just- [he and Roz notice Bebe and Big Willy making kissy faces at each other through the glass] oh, dear God!... [Facepalms]
Bebe: Isn't it wonderful? We met last month and it was love at first sight!
Roz: First sight of what? His bankbook and a cardiogram!?
[Bebe grins broadly.]
- Big Willy gives Frasier three days to get Bebe to quit smoking; their first therapy session seems to go well as Frasier gets to the heart of why Bebe smokes in the first place. Niles' arrival interrupts their session (ironically, as Frasier is musing on Bebe's fear of abandonment), and his economy drive has taken an interesting turn:Frasier: [opening the door to reveal his brother with a paper shopping bag] Niles!
Niles: [setting down the bag] Hello, Frasier! I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this. [reaches into the bag and produces a jar of capers almost a large as his own head; he grins proudly]
Frasier: [taking the jar hesitantly] Thank you, Niles, but, uh... why so many?
Niles: I just discovered a place called Price Buster's Warehouse! You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection! I found French fries and French doors in the same aisle!
Frasier: Well. [sets the jar down on the console table] The next time you go back, be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.
Niles: You laugh, but I could do it like that. [snaps his fingers]
- Bebe thanks Frasier for the therapy session, but as she is about to leave, Niles stalls her by claiming he wants her input for a paper he is writing on addiction. As a clearly tense Bebe heads for the kitchen, Niles tells Frasier she will smoke half a pack of cigarettes before she even gets down to the lobby of Frasier's building. Martin and Daphne enter in the middle of this conversation and are not happy about the proposed solution:Niles: I know about addiction. It's the exact same look Maris used to get during the cough syrup years. The only way to deal with it is to lock her up, take her money, and watch her like a hawk 'til it's out of her system!
Frasier: [dubious] Well, I mean, she'd have to stay here for the weekend!
Daphne: [entering with Martin and Eddie] Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glaser.
Martin: [horrified] HERE!?
Daphne: [equally horrified] What does she have to stay here for?!
Frasier: Well, she's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: Oh, great. That means she'll be extra lovable. [unfastens Eddie's leash; Eddie scampers off in a panic]
- Sure enough, Bebe is lighting up in the kitchen, and as she overhears Frasier insist that she has made progress, she stuffs her still lit cigarette in her handbag, and is unaware that smoke is pouring out of it as she returns to Frasier's living room...Bebe: I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with the paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. [to Frasier] But I'll remember those helpful hints, it's exercise, gum, and lots of water. [Frasier, Niles, Daphne, and Martin all notice the smoke coming out of Bebe's handbag]
Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires. [Bebe notices the smoke and starts hitting her handbag to extinguish the cigarette]
Frasier: All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going anywhere, you're staying for the weekend, now give me that purse! [Niles locks the front door]
Bebe: [defeated] All right, just... let me remove one very precious memento...
Frasier: Very well. [Bebe opens her handbag, puts it over her face, and breathes deeply] Oh, stop it! [pulls the bag away from her]
- Bebe's borderline erotic description of how smoking a cigarette makes her feel sets off Daphne's own sporadic smoking tendencies, and at 5:30am, she sneaks onto the balcony and lights up, waking up a sleeping Bebe on the sofa. Now desperate for a cigarette herself, Bebe locks Daphne on the balcony in the rain and refuses to let her in unless she gives her a smoke; Daphne retaliates by holding the pack over the edge of the balcony, threatening to drop it unless Bebe unlocks the door. Finally, Frasier enters and switches on the lights; the payoff comes when Bebe and Daphne deliver their lines in the following exchange like two young children caught fighting by their parents:Frasier: What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe: Daphne was smoking!
Daphne: She made me!
- Frasier takes the cigarettes from Daphne and, after finding Martin smoking in the powder room while fetching a towel for a soaked Daphne, orders everyone to go back to bed. However, Bebe suddenly grabs the pack of cigarettes, then shoves Daphne face first onto the sofa when she tries to cut off her escape route; Frasier finally wrests the cigarettes from Bebe's grasp, only for her to jump on his back and try to grab them back. As Martin declares "All right, that's it, no more houseguests!" and heads back to bed, Frasier and Bebe are wrestling on the floor over the cigarettes, and after a moment, Frasier manages to pin her:Bebe: GET OFF ME, YOU BRUTE!
Frasier: HAND THEM OVER!
Daphne: [as the phone rings] That'll be the neighbours! [answers the phone] Hello! [politely] Oh! Hello. One moment, please. [covers the mouthpiece and brings the handset over to Frasier] It's Big Willy!
Frasier: [takes the phone from Daphne, his tone suddenly becoming pure professionalism and politeness] Big Willy! Hello! [laughs] No, no, it's not too early! Everybody's up! [Bebe thrashes and growls like a trapped wild animal throughout the following] Yes, well, there've been a few minor setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her... Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say "hi"! [holds the phone toward Bebe]
Bebe: [immediately stops thrashing and growling, her tone suddenly becoming pure Southern-accented adoration] Hello, puddin'!... I'm fine, and you?... Oh, nothin's too much trouble for you, daddy. Bye now!
322: Frasier Loves Roz
- There are two Time Skips in this episode, and the title cards' depiction of them is a delight:NO ONE SAID ANYTHING PARTICULARLY AMUSING FOR TWO WEEKS, AND THEN...
ANOTHER CURIOUSLY HUMORLESS WEEK PASSED UNTIL...
- Frasier's advice to a depressed Roz that she try seeking a more stable relationship than she usually does backfires disastrously when she begins dating a man named Ben Collins, whom Niles reveals as a patient of his who goes through women so quickly that he doesn't bother to remember their names and calls them all "Sunshine". Unable to tell Roz what Niles told him in confidence, he becomes increasingly agitated at the mention of Ben's name. Roz finally confronts Frasier over this, leading to a hilarious example of Is This Thing Still On?:Roz: Listen, Frasier... I'd like to think that there's some small part of you that's happy for me. After all, it was your advice that got me this far.
Frasier: Of course I'm happy for you.
Roz: Thanks. [heads into her booth]
Frasier: [putting on his headphones] Me and my stupid advice... [realises the "On Air" light is on] ... will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!
- Martin's message to future generations, as Niles records with a video camera. He can't resist trolling:Martin (into the camera): My name is Martin Crane. When I made this tape, I was sixty-four years old. But now...(bulging eyes) I'm dead...!
Martin: Trapped in a box, underground...! Pretty scary, huh...?! (Evil Laugh)
Niles: (Stops recording) Dad, surely you must have some message you want to leave for the Cranes of the twenty-first century—?!
Martin: Alright, alright, I do.... (To the camera, as Niles resumes) Remember to always work hard...and that family comes first. (Play-squirms, sighs) And...I have a million bucks...in unmarked bills...that I took off a drug dealer, that I have stashed in my old army footlocker. The combination is Left 15...Right 32...Le—
(Beat, starts "choking"...and collapses in his chair.)
Niles (rolling his eyes, then focusing the camera on himself): Future generations... see what I had to put up with?
- Frasier and Niles are searching for a way they can warn Roz about Ben without breaching Niles' doctor-patient confidentiality. Eventually they try to prove that Roz is clinically insane:Niles: Can we argue that she is delusional?
Frasier: Well, she often claims to be the true force behind the success of my show.
Niles: Borderline, borderline. Has she ever displayed signs of mental incompentence?
Frasier: (thinks for a moment) She once ordered a White Zinfandel!
Niles: (triumphantly) Go to her, Frasier; she's a danger to herself!
Frasier: It's a miracle they even let the woman drive!
323: The Focus Group
- Of the twelve random citizens called in to give their opinion of The Dr. Frasier Crane Show, eleven are positive: one man, Manu, says, "I don't like it... I don't like him." It digs at Frasier, who can't let it go. He spots Manu (a news-stand owner) while driving Martin and Niles to dinner and insists on getting to the root of Manu's dislike of him.
- While Niles insists they've stopped in a bad part of town and overreacts accordingly, Frasier sends Martin over to Manu with a badly-conceived cover story about being a businessman from Cleveland who is having a bad month, saw Frasier's face on the side of a bus, and wants to get Manu's opinion on the merits of calling his show. Martin goes over to Manu... and immediately introduces himself as Frasier's father.
- Not satisfied with Manu's explanation that he finds the show a bit annoying, Frasier goes over in person to quiz him. The first of the Disaster Dominoes falls when Frasier accidentally spills Yoo-hoo all over Manu, and as they keep toppling, Martin covers his face, while Niles watches - fascinated in a horrified kind of way:[after Frasier accidentally closes the metal shutter of Manu's newsstand on his hand, and Manu hurries off to a nearby restaurant to put ice on it while Frasier offers to "hold down the fort"]
Niles: [matter-of-factly] He's crushed the gentleman's hand... and now he appears to be commandeering his newsstand.
Martin: [resignedly] Uh-huh.
[moments later, after a still-lit cigar in an ashtray Frasier put on the floor of the newsstand has caused the whole stand to catch fire]
Niles: [still matter-of-factly, resting his face on his hand] Oh, my God. Frasier's set his newsstand on fire.
Martin: [still covering his face, but now sinking down further in his seat] Mm-hmm.
- Once everything's over, Manu finally explains in full what his original problem with Frasier was: He thinks he's something of a know-it-all. And now Frasier's harassed him, crushed his hand and burnt down his stall, which was a gift from his uncle. Frasier's only take-away from all this? Cheerfully and obliviously saying "was that so hard?" and walking away.
- The Snowball Lie. Once Martin is clued into it, he starts screwing with everyone. The web of lies becomes so messy, everyone has to pause before deciding it's safe to give Eddie's name.
- Things get better as someone knocks at the door, to the horror of Frasier, Niles and Daphne.Frasier: [nervously] W-Who is it?Roz: Frasier, it's me, open up!
- Daphne and Roz start competing for Clive's attention. Things escalate when Daphne ups the stakes by implying Roz has a drinking problem. Roz goes to DEFCON 1 by "revealing" that Daphne is pregnant.
- The beautiful punchline to the entire thing.Daphne: We're not the horrible people you think we are!
Frasier: Yes! The truth is - we've been lying to you all night!
- And there's also Niles' elated giggle after Daphne introduces him as her husband.
- Martin amuses himself and spites his sons by claiming he used to be an astronaut.Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles: That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates; it's Moon-Crane.
Martin: (wistfully) I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. I nearly rolled it into the Sea of Tranquillity.
402: Love Bites Dog
- Niles decides to advertise his practice and gives Frasier a copy of the ad.Frasier: All right. (reading) "Dr. Niles Crane. Jung specialist. Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed. Tell me where it hurts". Well, that's just excellent, Niles. All you're missing now is a very tasteful cartoon of you smiling brightly and holding a shrunken head!
Niles: Sorry I didnt hear you. I was too distracted by your face going by on the side of a bus.
- Of course, the ad company accidentally prints a Freudian Slip. Hilarity Ensues.Frasier: "Dr. Niles Crane. Hung specialist." (beat) Oh my.
Niles: The rest of it was surprisingly accurate. "Servicing individuals, couples... groups..." (beat) "Satisfaction guaranteed"... (looks at Frasier with some consternation) "Tell me where it hurts."
Frasier: Well... any calls?
Niles: It's a telethon.
- Everything about Frasier talking "like a guy" to get Bulldog back in gear, but especially...Bulldog: I like the sound of this.
Frasier: (Gruff) Yeah? So do I! It's unattractive—yet liberating, rather like the one and only time I wore a European bathing suit...!
- Frasier talking "like a guy" doesn't work too well with Niles however.Niles: [hanging up a pay phone in the KACL corridors] Distressing news, Frasier: Francois gave away our table.
Frasier: [still on a testosterone rush from talking to Bulldog] SCREW HIM!
Niles: ... excuse me?
Frasier: You heard what I said! We don't need him or his stinky little restaurant! There are plenty of restaurants in town, I say we go somewhere we don't even need a reservation! [without missing a beat, Niles slaps Frasier hard across the face; Frasier calms down] Thank you, Niles.
Niles: You're welcome.
403: The Impossible Dream
- Frasier has a weird dream involving Gil. After talking it out with Niles he thinks he's resolved the issue causing him to have the dream and declares loudly:Frasier: Thank God! Tonight I can sleep peacefully knowing there'll be no motel room, no tequila bottle and no naked man in my bed!
[Sees the waitress standing behind him]
Frasier: So then, the rabbi says...
- Frasier and Martin have an exchange where Martin notes that the reason he didn't take Frasier to see West Side Story as a child was because gangs were scary:Frasier: Even gangs that dance?
Martin: Especially gangs that dance!
- Frasier and Niles trying word association to figure out Frasier's dream problem. Niles gives it a try, and gets distracted when his first word is "Daphne", followed soon after by "French Maid".Frasier: For God's sake, Niles. You were one word away from a cigarette!
- Martin and Daphne trolling people in the elevator by having "secret" conversations literally behind their backs—on such awesome nonsense as Daphne being in Witness Protection (with Martin as her FBI handler) and their engaging in international smuggling!Daphne: How'd you get the stuff through customs?
Martin: (smugly) They never check the prosthetic leg.
- The punch line of the episode: Sigmund Freud appearing to Frasier in a dream to congratulate him on figuring out the Gil dream. And to get into bed.
406: Mixed Doubles
- After Daphne breaks up with Joe, Niles decides to finally try and ask her out, which Frasier doesn't approve of. So when Niles comes over the next day...Niles: I know I don't have your full support in this, but...
Frasier: You don't care?
Niles: If you could work the phrase "rat's ass" in there, you'd have it.
- When Daphne is introducing her new boyfriend Rodney, an eerie doppelganger of Niles, to Frasier and Martin, Martin gets a call from Duke:Martin: Sorry Duke, I can't talk right now; I'm in The Twilight Zone!
- Later, Niles and Frasier discover that Rodney on a date at Café Nervosa with Niles' new girlfriend Adelle, and Niles is furious - on Daphne's behalf.
- As Niles leaves to break the news of Rodney's infidelity to Daphne, Frasier has one last question for him:Frasier: You know, there's just one thing I'd like to ask you, Rodney... do you have an older brother?
Rodney: As a matter of fact, I do. [bitterly] He's always been the pride of the family. Handsome, successful, brilliant. I've always been rather jealous of him.
Frasier: [smirking to himself] Spooky... [exits, leaving Rodney and Adelle thoroughly confused]
407: A Lilith Thanksgiving
- As the episode opens, Frasier, Niles, and Martin are preparing to spend a "rustic" Thanksgiving in the mountains with Freddie and Lilith (Niles' last-minute checklist includes a case of fine wine and confirmation of the delivery time of the Thanksgiving dinner, suggesting that the day will be about as rustic as a visit to the Space Needle). Niles is dejected at the idea of spending Thanksgiving without Maris, and Martin is less than thrilled at having to spend the holiday with Lilith, leading to an unwinnable war of insults between the Crane brothers:Martin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I won't be having my dream Thanksgiving either. Why does Lilith have to tag along anyway!?
Frasier: She just didn't want to spend the holiday alone, her... husband is off in New Zealand exploring a volcano!
Martin: Why couldn't she go with him?!
Niles: Well, because, if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two. [he and Martin laugh]
Frasier: As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury! [Niles looks outraged and sets down his sherry glass in preparation to return fire]
Martin: Guys, let it go, nobody's gonna win this one.
- Just then, the phone rings...Frasier: Hello?... Yes, Lilith!... yes, Lilith... yes, Lilith...
Martin: [to Niles] Gee, it's like they're still married.
- Lilith has called with news that Freddie has passed the entrance exam to the Marbury Academy, Boston's most prestigious prep school, but the headmaster, Dr. Campbell, needs to interview them before a final decision can be made, and he can only see them on Thanksgiving morning. So the Cranes' Thanksgiving is transferred from Seattle to Boston, and their arrival at Lilith's house heralds a classic example of Niles-Lilith sniping:Lilith: [opening the fridge] Niles... I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule, so I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey. [removes the turkey from the fridge and shuts the door with her hip]
Niles: Oh. Well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but, uh... [sees an open cookbook on the kitchen table] the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you?
Lilith: [putting the turkey in a roasting tin and patting it dry with kitchen roll] I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: [unable to resist this opening] And the turkey? [Martin tries not to laugh]
Lilith: [unamused] Might I suggest you stuff it?
- Followed almost immediately by a classic example of Frasier-Lilith sniping:Frasier: My God... are you half as nervous as I am?
Lilith: And then some.
Frasier: Oh, we have got to master our nerves! It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. [an idea occurs to him] L-Lilith, do you still keep the valium with the contraceptives?
Lilith: Sorry. I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
Frasier: [like brother, like brother...] I'll assume you meant the valium. [tries and fails to hide his smirk]
Lilith: [as unamused as she was by Niles' snark] Perhaps before the interview, you should sheathe that butter knife-sharp wit of yours.
Frasier: Ah. Perhaps we could find the appropriate kitchen tool to ratchet down that bun of yours a notch or two!
- Meanwhile, Martin and Niles are trying to keep Freddie entertained, but instead succeed in turning him into a walking disaster magnet.
- First, Martin insists on playing catch with Freddie, only to hit him in the eye with the baseball, leaving him with a very obvious bruise. As Freddie goes outside to retrieve his MedicAlert bracelet, Niles chides Martin for his choice of activity:Martin: I still don't know how it happened, I lobbed it right to him!
Niles: [opening a jar of dried herbs and sprinkling them into a measuring cup] Oh, when are you going to learn, Dad, the only things the Crane boys are skilled at catching are sarcastic nuance and the occasional virus.
- Martin and Niles agree not to engage Freddie in any further activities that might cause him harm while they are staying with Lilith. Seconds later, Freddie returns with his MedicAlert bracelet - just as Niles opens the freezer door straight into his face, leaving him with a bloody nose. Martin hurries Freddie upstairs to give him medical attention as they hear Frasier and Lilith return:Niles: Wait, wait, wait, how am I going to explain this to Lilith??
Martin: Oh, I don't know! How did you give Maris bad news?
Niles: Well, usually by breaking a tranquilliser into her SlimFast.
- To make Freddie feel better, Martin gives him bubble gum, but as he has two cotton buds up his nostrils, he has to breathe through his mouth and it pops straight into his hair, leaving Martin with no alternative but to cut it.Martin: Uh, you think maybe I should trim his bangs a little bit?
Niles: Maybe you should put the scissors down while he still has one good eye.
- Niles, meanwhile, tries to make Freddie feel better by letting him lick the spoon he has used to make remoulade, a treat he remembers Hester giving him when he was Freddie's age. Unfortunately, the poor lad is horribly allergic to anchovies, breaking out in hives in seconds. Frasier and Lilith choose this moment to return again:Martin: Freddie! You got any pills for this?
Freddie: I got pills for everything.
- Unfortunately for Freddie (and fortunately for Martin and Niles), none of his misfortune crosses Frasier and Lilith's radar, as they are too busy sabotaging his chances of getting into Marbury through overthinking things, leading to a climax to the subplot that represents one of the series' better moments of silent comedy. Dr. Campbell makes the mistake of implying that if Frasier and Lilith can produce a fully cooked turkey for his Thanksgiving dinner (his own having failed to cook properly), he might let Freddie into the school (actually just a ploy to get rid of them once and for all). In a dialogue-free scene, Niles bastes the turkey as Martin races into the kitchen, grabs an ice pack from the freezer, and races out again, followed by Niles with a bottle of wine and an exasperated look. While they are out of the kitchen, Frasier and Lilith return, take the turkey out of the oven, and carry it out to the car. As the timer goes off, Niles returns, then opens the oven, and is thoroughly confused to find the turkey gone. He even checks the other oven.
- First, Martin insists on playing catch with Freddie, only to hit him in the eye with the baseball, leaving him with a very obvious bruise. As Freddie goes outside to retrieve his MedicAlert bracelet, Niles chides Martin for his choice of activity:
408: Our Father, Whose Art Ain't Heaven
- Frasier trying to give Niles, who is having problems with Maris stealing guests for his party, some advice.Frasier: By calling her so many times, you're give her all the power. You're better off coming from a position of strength.
Niles: Don't pour that sherry on your shirt, it will stain.
Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we gave each other patently obvious advice.
- Martin, having previously been arguing with Frasier about who pays for meals when they go out, suddenly "remembers" that he and Frasier agreed he'd take them out to diner when Daphne reveals her planned meal for the evening is sheep's head stew. Or not, as Daphne just wants the apartment to herself.
- The "bull painting" incident, leading to Frasier, Martin, and Niles having an epic cryfest...
410: Liar! Liar!
- Niles, having injured his back adjusting his car seat, gets offered a massage by Daphne, unaware of just how powerful her deep heat lotion is. So while Frasier is calling up the wife of a man he thinks he set on the path to prison...Frasier: Mrs Rajeski? Hello, you don't know me, but I-
(sound of Niles screaming in agony from the other room)
Frasier: Well, that's remarkable. Yes, I am a friend of your husband...
412: Death and the Dog
- Because the episode is told as a Whole Episode Flashback by Frasier on a particularly slow day to a caller who says she has suddenly spiralled into a depressive funk, we get some hilarious Lampshade Hanging when the story includes the B-plot about Roz' date with gynaecologist Stephen Kagen. Initially, the story is interrupted by Roz hammering on the glass and glaring at Frasier while holding up her clipboard, on which she has written "Why are you telling her this?" Later, after Roz attempts to tell some of the story herself and Frasier cuts her off, the flashback shifts to a Squicked Roz arriving at Frasier's apartment to reveal that her date turned out to be a collector of antique gynaecological equipment - cut back to the present as an irate Roz upends a cup of water over Frasier's head.
- The episode's A plot revolves around Eddie spiralling into a similarly depressive funk to Frasier's caller, hence his decision to tell the story. Early in the episode, Frasier gets into an argument with Martin and Daphne over their belief that Eddie can understand human speech; cut to the scene from Eddie's POV, and it seems Frasier's right, as all three are speaking complete gibberish apart from the occasional "Eddie". Moments later, after Martin suggests bringing in a dog psychiatrist, Frasier and Niles begin throwing around psychological terms, and we cut to Martin's POV as their conversation devolves into gibberish apart from the occasional "Dad".
- When Arnold Shaw, the dog psychiatrist, interviews the three Crane men and Daphne, Frasier and Niles spend most of the interview snarking, especially once Shaw starts giving Martin a personality quiz regarding how he thinks Eddie would behave as a human being. Daphne's contributions to the quiz involve giving her answers after very long pauses, and following them up immediately with "I don't know why." Once Shaw and Eddie have gone into Martin's room for a one-on-one session, we get this gem:
- After everyone gets massively depressed, the real reason for Eddie's behavior comes out: His favorite toy, a naked Barbie doll, had gotten stuck down the back of the couch. Once he's got it back, he's happy again.
- This exchange, as everyone's thinking about death:Frasier: We know for whom the bell tolls.
(microwave pinger goes off. Everyone looks around nervously)
Martin: Everyone heard that, right?
413: Four for the Seesaw
- Frasier and Niles have asked two women they've just met to come away for the weekend, but they're not sure if the women think everything's purely platonic:Niles: These women are inscrutable as sphinxes!
Frasier: Yes, they've got us into some most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?!
Beth: Well, I'm going to bed. Niles, are you coming? [Beat]
Niles: Curse these infernal riddles!
414: To Kill a Talking Bird
- Frasier finally tells Niles that his dog is a substitute for Maris. Niles denies this haughtily, but then:Frasier: Oh? Remember when Maris wore that pillbox hat to the Duchamps' wedding?
(takes a small flowerpot and puts it on the dog's head. Niles faints from the realization)
- One of Niles' most magnificent brotherly putdowns, as he brags about the new apartment complex he's living in:Frasier: I don't think this building can be as exclusive as you said. Your doorman just waved me right through.
Niles: Well, he recognised you.
Frasier: (preening) Oh! A fan of my show?
Niles: No. He lives in your building.
417: Roz's Turn
- Frasier's pirate accent.Frasier: (salty pirate voice) When my shipmates and I pull into port after several weeks at sea, the first thing we do is...
Niles: (into mic, imitating Frasier's accent) ...head for the antique sale, arrr!
- As part of her demo tape, Roz asks Daphne to pretend to be married to Niles, and having difficult with their marriage. Daphne starts describing various saucy tricks she's tried to get her "husband" interested to no avail... while Niles is... elsewhere.
- A classic zinger from Frasier as a nod to Bebe's Sitcom Arch-Nemesis role:Roz: It's not like she worships the devil!
Frasier: Well, she doesn't have to; he worships HER!
418: Ham Radio
- In the opening scene, Frasier meets Niles and Martin at Café Nervosa to reveal that he has been asked to re-create the first ever mystery drama aired by KACL, "Nightmare Inn", in honour of the station's 50th anniversary. Niles foreshadows the project's downfall by expressing scepticism over the choice of director:Martin: [taking the script from Frasier] Oh, don't tell me, I know! Bunch of people get caught in a storm, and everybody's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.
Frasier: Exactly! And I'm going to direct!
Niles: Oh! So we can stop wondering. [sips his coffee as Frasier looks unamused]
Martin: What, you don't think your brother knows how to direct?
Niles: No, the trouble is he doesn't know how to stop directing. During our prep school production of Richard III he drove the entire cast crazy with his constant critiquing. I seem to recall a delay on opening night while our Richard chased Frasier round the dressing room, beating him with his hump.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it was just a little backstage horseplay to relieve tension! [the barista brings him his coffee to go] Oh, thank you.
Niles: Mmm. You have an Orson Welles complex. By the end of this week, you'll not only be directing, you'll have re-written the script and be playing the lead.
Frasier: I have no intention of performing in it myself. The only re-writing I've done is simply cutting, to get it down to thirty minutes.
Martin: [reading the front page as Frasier takes the script back] "Frasier Crane's Nightmare Inn"??
Frasier: [awkwardly] It's just a working title!
- As Niles predicts, Frasier ends up casting himself as the lead (immediately before fellow KACL employee Ian - who looks and sounds exactly like a stereotypical Scotland Yard inspector - runs into Frasier outside his booth and asks if there's still time to read for the role; Frasier says the part has already been cast), with the cast rounded out by Roz, Gil, Bulldog, Bulldog's exotic dancer girlfriend Maxine (who cannot attend rehearsal due to contracting food poisoning; Bulldog suspects the Jell-O in which she was wrestling that day had gone bad), and professional actor Mel White.note During a rehearsal at Frasier's apartment with Daphne "providing" the sound effects, Bulldog insists they change the name of Mr. Wang to Mr. Wing because it gives him the giggles ("Sound of people changing Wangs to Wings", says Daphne). However, the script is from The '30s, leading to his reading of Wing's lines:Bulldog: [heavy Yellow Peril accent] Oh, me no looky, me go very by chop-chop.
Roz: [aghast] Stop! Chinese embassy on line one!
- Frasier's overdirection (as foreseen by Niles) leads Mel, who is playing six roles with six different accents, to Rage Quit. Cue a classic example of Who Would Be Stupid Enough?:Bulldog: So whadda we do now, boss?
Frasier: Not to worry! I have a plan! [picks up the phone and dials]
Roz: Oh, yeah, right. We're supposed to do this thing tomorrow night! Where are you going to find an idiot willing to take six dialect parts unrehearsed?
Frasier: [into phone] Niles!
Daphne: [as she clears the dining table] Sound of ominous organ music indicating trouble ahead.
- Not for nothing is the actual broadcast of "Nightmare Inn" one of the series' most fondly remembered scenes.
- Noel Shempsky has been recruited to provide the sound effects for the broadcast, and he provides a demonstration to Frasier and Niles:Frasier: Whaddaya got, Noel?
Noel: Okay! This is my door sound. [opens and closes a prop door about three feet long and one foot wide] My thunder screen. [shakes a thin sheet of metal to make a thunder-like sound] Balloons for gunshots. [pops one, then picks up a cassette] And this plays various kinds of organ music. [puts it into a deck and presses a button, producing an organ music snippet] I've also got a gravel box, [steps into and out of it to illustrate] bells, [rings one], a rain stick, [shakes it] and a coffee thermos! [picks it up and sets it down again]
Niles: What does that do?
Noel: Keeps my coffee warm.
- At Frasier's apartment, Daphne is waiting to listen to the Whodunnit with Martin.Daphne: I already know the plot but I'll try not to blurt out the name of the murderer.
Martin: Great, as a cop I hated it when people did that.
- Roz's character is a woman with a sexy, exotic accent. However, she arrives from a two-hour emergency dentist appointment with a jaw still chock full of Novocaine, so numb she keeps biting the inside of her lip. Everything comes out in a very slurred, muddled, Elmer Fudd-like mess, and it only gets worse when she has to attempt the phrase, "Multiple murderer."Frasier: [narrating] The door was answered by Miss Carlotta Thorndyke. [cues Noel to close the sound effect door] Her face was unfamiliar, and when she opened her lips... I caught a hint of some exotic accent.
Roz: Inthpect- ow!... [winces and holds her jaw] Thah Goh you cuh.note
Frasier: [as the inspector] This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndyke.
Roz: I cah bewieve ehh o' my guehh cuh be a... [shoulders sagging in defeat] muhpehpuhl muhbuhber.
Frasier: That's easy for you to say!
- Frasier improvises around Roz' indisposition by claiming to know her guests by reputation instead of asking her to introduce them. But when he cues Bulldog to read his first line, he freezes with stage fright, so Frasier improvises that Mr. Wing is now a mute who wears a bell on his head to communicate.
- Niles, seeing the script for the first time as the broadcast begins, is not happy to discover that he is playing six characters with six different accents, including several female characters. When he is cued to speak Pépo the dwarf's line, he is mystified as to how to get into character, and tries crouching behind the microphone before acknowledging that this won't work on radio. Finally, Frasier hands him a helium balloon, which he inhales to deliver his line.
- Immediately after Frasier delivers a line about the phone lines being cut, the phone in the studio rings; Noel does not help by answering it with "Studio 5." Frasier shoots him a Death Glare before pulling out the cord connecting the receiver to the base.Martin: [muting the radio with a remote control] I don't remember the plots of these things being so goofy!
Daphne: Mr. Wing wasn't mute last night...
- During the break between acts, the seeds of the play's final destruction are sown when Frasier tells Niles his performance as Hans the German butler could be a bit more gruff, and a seething Niles snaps, "Don't... direct me!" In the second act, Noel founders a bit with the music cues:Frasier: Why, yes, Miss Thorndyke, it appears to be... [cues organ music, but a music box-like tune comes out instead] ...the ice cream truck! [Noel finally pulls out the offending tape] But never mind... that... [everybody starts dumping papers from the script]
- Bulldog's girlfriend Maxine has one line to deliver. However, she has no acting experience, so her delivery is very awkward and wooden. More problematic, though, is her severe dyslexia...Maxine: [unconvincing fake scream; overpronouncing each word] Look out! He's got a nug!
- Frasier cuts Nigel Fairservice's dying speech in the interest of time; unfortunately, Gil, who is playing Nigel, is so enamored of the line that he refuses to "die" without finishing the speech. When Frasier finally outdoes him in narrative (by claiming that the last bullet blew his head clean off his shoulders), he gives Frasier a smug look while knocking on and opening the prop door to complete it as Nigel's long lost brother Cedric (Frasier pops another balloon and claims that this extinguishes the Fairservice family entirely), and then the ice cream man from earlier (Frasier pops yet another balloon).Daphne: This is turning into a bloodbath!
Martin: See, that's why I prefer TV, you wanna be able to see that stuff!
- Finally, Niles loses patience with Frasier's overdirection during his confession speech, and improvises a new ending.Frasier: [narrating] By this time... I was more baffled than ever. So I played a hunch! [as inspector] Hans! May I see your fingernails?
Niles: [German accent] Vhy?
Frasier: They seem a bit ragged... for a butler.
Niles: [German accent] All right, all right! I'm not vhat I appear! None of us is! I'm not a butler! I'm not even [moves to next page in script, furrows brow, and drops accent] German. [shrugs; dramatic organ sting] Sit down, Inspector, you're about to hear a fascinating tale. Each of us holds a piece of the puzzle... [gets distracted by Frasier pointing toward himself] to relate to you. When we've finished, you'll know the full... [Frasier brings his arms up in a "more" gesture] dark secret of Nightmare Inn.
Roz: Awe you thure we thould, Hanth?
Niles: [grimaces at the script] Be quiet, Mother. [Frasier points dramatically; organ sting plays] Mother and I moved here when I was a small boy, after the... [Frasier clenches his fist slowly and looks emotionally overwrought, indicating Niles should act likewise; Niles is too distracted by the gestures to process them] tragic death of my father. I kept the pain of that loss buried... [Frasier makes an anguished face and pounds his chest with his fist] deep within me, like a serpent... [getting more and more confused and angry at Frasier's gestures] coiled within a damp... cave- okay, that's it. [throws the script to the floor and grabs the balloons from the sound effect table] Never mind all that. I'm just going to take this gun off the table. [pops a balloon] Sorry about that O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. [pops two more balloons] Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! [mentally counts the remaining balloons as Frasier starts discarding pages of his script] Will the McAllister sisters stand back to back? I'm short on bullets. [pops another balloon] Thank you! [to Roz] What was your name again, dear?
Roz: Mith Thowndyke.
Niles: Thank you! [pops another balloon as Frasier drops more and more pages of his script] Ah, and also Mr. Wing. [pops another balloon; Noel rings the bell, then silences it as Niles points to him in gratitude; Frasier is now giving him a Death Glare, which he returns over his final line] And of course, one final bullet for myself, so the mystery will die with me! [pops the last balloon] HA! [defiantly hurls the popped balloons aside and joins Roz and Gil at the refreshment table]
- Noel Shempsky has been recruited to provide the sound effects for the broadcast, and he provides a demonstration to Frasier and Niles:
419: Three Dates and a Break-Up, Part 1
- Daphne's attempted American accent returns. She's progressed from being able to say "sure", but only in a very throaty voice that makes her sound like a chain smoker.
420: Three Dates and a Break-Up, Part 2
- As the second half of the double episode opens, Daphne tries out her American accent in front of Niles - or, rather, behind Niles, causing him to yelp in shock.
- Roz, having previously embarrassed herself in front of an old acquaintance from home, shows up at Café Nervosa all dolled up, which Niles can't resist commenting on.Niles: You look like an almost presentable version of someone who works with my brother.
Roz: Bite me!
Niles: Oh, it is you!
- Frasier, having heard from Daphne about the elevator's security camera catching everything, tries to adjust his pants one-handed while using the other hand to hold an open umbrella in front of the camera. Emphasis on "tries". By the time Daphne gets on, Frasier's pants are halfway down his legs.Daphne: [to security camera] He's been under a lot of stress lately.
- Niles, not wanting to get involved in Sherry and Martin's break-up, compares it to a nature documentary.Niles: It's like one of those wildlife films where the lion is chasing down the antelope. You don't ask why the photographer doesn't interfere, you just accept it!
Frasier: As a general rule, Niles, the photographer is not related to the antelope!
421: Daphne Hates Sherry
- Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio until Frasier stops them.Frasier: Bup! I don't care who did what to whom or in what disgusting manner. As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my... Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.
- Daphne ranting to Niles about Sherry's habit of giving her number to "strange men" without her permission:Daphne: [Sherry] says I'm too rigid.
Daphne: And that I'm too picky!
Daphne: And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone!
(Niles slowly sits down next to her)
Niles: ... just to play Devil's Advocate here...
- The entire second act, with Daphne staying over at Niles's flat during a heatwave, not so much brimming with sexual tension as overflowing.
- At the end of everything, Daphne returns to Frasier's apartment to get her pills, patching things up with Sherry, with some very reluctant assistance from a bath-ridden Frasier... and then Frasier points out to a massively sexually frustrated Niles one little thing:Frasier: You're a doctor, why didn't you just use your prescription pad?
(Thousand-Yard Stare from Niles)
Niles: Oh, my god!
Frasier: Isn't there an all-night pharmacy across the street from your building?
Niles: Oh, my god! (flees the room, near tears)
422: Are You Being Served?
- Five words: the "hot and foamy" scene.
- The build-up is comedy gold, as Frasier and Niles gradually discover exactly WHAT their mother was writing about in her journal when she described Niles as passive, submissive, and easily cowed by females (thus prompting him to sign the divorce papers Maris has sent him): not her sons Frasier and Niles, but her lab rats Frasier and Niles.Niles: [reading the journal] Do you know what this means?
Frasier: [disgusted] Our mother named us after rodents.
Niles: No, it means I have ended my marriage to the woman I love based on the case history of a spineless rat! Oh my God...
Frasier: [overlapping] Niles... Niles...
Niles: [starting to panic] Oh my God, Maris has seen the papers, it's too late to take it back!
Frasier: Niles, your reasoning was still sound!
Niles: [panicking more and more] My reasoning!? My reasoning was based on my mother's obsession WITH VERMIN! [hurls down the journal]
- Niles' panic attack attracts the attention of first Martin, then Daphne, as Frasier ushers his brother into the powder room to splash some cold water on his face; as he tries to offer words of encouragement through the door, we hear what sounds like a gunshot, horrifying Frasier, Martin, and Daphne... until the door opens to reveal the payoff of Martin stopping Daphne from throwing out his old gadgets, including a Hot 'N Foamy shaving foam machine which he plugged into the outlet in the powder room moments earlier:
- And finally, Niles gets a call from Maris, who was just bluffing with the divorce papers; she is so shocked by his decision to sign them that she agrees to withdraw them and go into couples therapy with him. And so the episode's main plot ends by colliding with a subplot about Frasier's aversion to hugging other men as Niles throws his arms around Frasier... while still covered in shaving foam. Frasier's revolted look is priceless.
- The build-up is comedy gold, as Frasier and Niles gradually discover exactly WHAT their mother was writing about in her journal when she described Niles as passive, submissive, and easily cowed by females (thus prompting him to sign the divorce papers Maris has sent him): not her sons Frasier and Niles, but her lab rats Frasier and Niles.
423: Ask Me No Questions
- Near the beginning of the episode, Niles arrives at Frasier's apartment, unconcerned with Frasier's anger at his lateness for their squash game, as he is too busy having an affectionate phone conversation with Maris. Sickened by the display, Frasier dials Niles' mobile phone from his own landline...Niles: Oh, no, I would love to meet you for lunch, but you know what Dr. Deutsch said, no meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris... oh, wait, hold on a second, it's my other line. [presses button] Hello?
Frasier: GET THE HELL OFF THE PHONE!
Niles: [glares at Frasier... and proceeds to speak to him through the phone] How rude!
Frasier: Please! Don't you realise it's also rude to be late for an appointment!?
Niles: Oh, you are telling me about being late for an appointment!?...
[the Crane brothers begin talking over each other, steadily getting faster and louder, until finally an irate Frasier slams his phone down]
Niles: [whirls round to face Frasier in outrage] How DARE you hang up on me!
- The scene ends as it began when Niles gets another call from Maris:Niles: [answering his phone] Hello?... What is it, pumpkin?... Oh, now- now- dear, calm down. I- I'm sure the banging you hear is just the pipes. If one of the servants had actually been walled in during the re-modelling he'd have died weeks ago! [Frasier picks up his phone and dials] If it- if it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take roll call? Oh, hold on a second. [presses button] Hello?
Frasier: [through the phone] Get out.
- Daphne, Martin and Niles not believing Frasier really did find an attractive woman willing to dump him, and spend the entire episode convinced Frasier's made her up, with circumstances meaning they just keep missing her.Niles: (seeing Frasier sitting alone in a restaurant, cheerfully enjoying a meal for one) Have you ever seen anything so tragic?
Daphne: I'll say. No-one's ever bought me caviar and I'm real.
- Martin's faith in Frasier's luck re; romance, after a few days: "Even a real supermodel would've dumped him by now."
- Frasier's climactic rant of "I AM NOT CRAZY! I am dating a supermodel zoologist, whom I stole away from a professional football player, and she is off to the Galapagos Islands to artificially inseminate iguanas! Now is that so hard to believe?!" And when said supermodel-zoologist storms away in disgust at his efforts to prove such...Frasier takes the "glass half-full" view, as he swaggers past the gang, turns to them, and smirks, "Well...! Whadaya think o' me now...?"
502: The Gift Horse
- The episode opens at Café Nervosa as Roz gives both Crane brothers a Big Damn Kiss, for different reasons:Frasier: [standing at the counter as Roz enters behind him] Oh, good morning, Roz!
Roz: [amorously] Good morning... [stuns Frasier by passionately kissing him on the lips; it is a few seconds before he has the presence of mind to push her off]
Frasier: What the hell was that!?
Roz: [looks toward the door] Oh, shoot, he's not even here!
Roz: D'you remember that guy who dumped me last month? [Frasier rubs his lips as though pushing them back into place after the kiss] I thought he was right behind me! I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.
Frasier: Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we just get married and have some children, that'd really fix his wagon! [picks up his cup of coffee]
Roz: You probably remember him - Stan?
Frasier: [slowly gets a look of disgust] Stan, the... the smug stockbroker who kept calling me "Fraser"?
Roz: [laughs] Oh, yeah. That's him. [Frasier groans; Roz looks to the door again and sighs in disappointment] One minute we're hot and heavy, and then he just stops calling - it's so humiliating when someone treats you like you don't even exist!
Frasier: [proving Roz' point] Well, how can someone not hear the difference between "Frasier" and "Fraser"!?
Roz: [drily] Yeah. That's what bugged me the most, too. [rolls her eyes and goes up to the counter to order]
Roz: [sees Stan, a tall man in a suit with blond hair and glasses, enter the café] Oh my God, here he is. Please?
Frasier: [resigned] Oh, all right.
[Roz pulls Frasier into some heavy liplock; Stan gets an embarrassed look, turns, and exits... just in time for someone else to enter and take in the sight. Frasier disengages from Roz and turns to see...]
Niles: [utterly deadpan] Hello.
Frasier: Hello Niles. Uh... you know, this isn't what it looks like, [Roz continues to nuzzle and kiss Frasier] you see, her ex-boyfriend- oh, just stop that! [pushes Roz away]
Niles: [holds up his hand] Please, please, no explanation necessary. I assume at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz" club, it will just be me and the archbishop! [chuckles]
Roz: [picking up her coffee and marching toward Niles] I'll save you the club dues.
[Roz gives Niles a Big Damn Kiss, then leaves]
Niles: [shocked yet observant] Everyone kisses better than Maris!
- Later that day, Frasier is sitting at the dining table, reading the newspaper, and Eddie is staring at him through the glass top. Frasier sneers that Eddie isn't going to distract him this time, and opens the paper so as to completely obscure Eddie from view. Eddie responds by trotting out from under the table and jumping several feet into the air. Repeatedly.
- Martin turns 65 in this episode, and Sherry plans his party (while asking Daphne to do most of the actual legwork) with, among other things, pictures of Martin's days with the Seattle PD. Cue I Was Quite a Fashion Victim:Martin: [looking at photo] Well, we can't use this one of me at the morgue, it's too disturbing!
Niles: [taking photo and looking at it with Frasier] You're right, I totally forgot you even had a perm.
Frasier: Dear lord! [he and Niles exchange grimaces]
- The A plot of the episode sees Frasier and Niles trying to one-up each other with birthday presents for Martin. Frasier initially buys him a calfskin wallet and matching key case, while Niles buys him an expensive "beer of the month club" membership from a consortium of local microbreweries. Frasier exchanges the gift for a pair of binoculars without telling Niles, while Niles exchanges his gift for season tickets to the Seattle Seahawks without telling Frasier; in a confrontation at Frasier's apartment, Daphne unwittingly unmasks both brothers' secrets. The scene culminates in a hilarious nod to the brothers' ignorance of all things sport-related:Frasier: All right, enough is enough. [takes his wallet out of his pocket, removes a piece of paper from it, then throws his wallet on the table] I quit. I'm throwing in the towel.
Niles: Oh, and why should I believe you?!
Frasier: [shows Niles the paper] Because this is a receipt for the binoculars. [begins tearing it to shreds] This should prove to you that I have no intention of returning them in order to get a better gift. [hurls the pieces onto the table] There.
Niles: Well, that's very big of you. [Frasier shrugs; Niles looks at his watch and turns to leave] I'm late for my session. If it's any consolation, I'm not really sure how good those tickets are. I was hoping to get something on the first few yard lines, but I could only get ones way back on the fiftieth.note [he shrugs and exits the apartment; Frasier gives a shrug of dawning despair, then Facepalms]
Daphne: Well, I'm very proud of you, Dr. Crane, I-
Frasier: [frantically sorting through the shreds of paper] Oh, stop babbling, Daphne, and bring me some tape!
- The gift war escalates, and just when Frasier thinks Martin might offer him an escape route by saying he doesn't want big, expensive presents this year, he says "Go crazy - you only turn 65 once!" Daphne tells him there's only one solution left...Daphne: [as a despondent Frasier sinks into Martin's chair] You know, Dr. Crane, the last thing I want to do is encourage more competition between you and your brother. [gets up and crosses over to him] But if you really want to make your father happy, maybe the time-
Frasier: [makes warding gestures] Oh, don't even say it!
Daphne: But it's the only thing he's ever asked for!
Frasier: [on the brink of tears] No! God, it'll ruin my apartment, my life! I can't! I won't! I mustn't!
Daphne: [sits on the arm of the chair and puts her arm around Frasier] It's over, Dr. Crane. [Frasier turns toward her and sobs]
[cut to a few days later as the camera pans very slowly up a monolithic object in the middle of the living room floor, finally revealing a thoroughly stunned Frasier and Daphne in the same positions as before]
Daphne: That is one big screen TV. He's going to love it.
Frasier: [in utter despair] I know! [he turns toward her and sobs again; she gives him a comforting pat on the shoulder]
- Frasier's deliciously hammy reaction after arriving home after the birthday party to see the big-screen TV and accompanying sound system with gigantic speakers fully set up for the first time.Frasier: Oh, dear God ... it's Stonehenge.
- Frasier and Daphne are looking at photos of a trip they went on to a microbrewery alone, which stirs Niles up quite a bit.:Daphne: Yes. (chuckles) Your brother and I got pretty silly after tasting all that beer.
Frasier: Now, now, Daphne there's no need to tell Niles everything we did that night.
Daphne: Yes, we got a bit naughty!
Niles: Well, not too naughty, I hope.
Daphne: Oh, now, now, Dr. Crane, I know what you're thinking. But not to worry. After all that drinking, we didn't drive home. We spent the night in a motel.
Niles: Well, that takes a load off my mind.
- Niles is on the phone with Maris as Frasier and Daphne pretend to be Merry Olde English lovers (since they are attending Niles' party as Geoffrey Chaucer and the Wife of Bath), to Niles' consternation.Daphne: Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?
Frasier: After you, my juicy wench!
Niles: "My juicy wench"?! (into phone) No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait! (to Frasier) I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!
- At Niles' Halloween party, which is literature-themed, Roz shows up wearing a tight S&M outfit:
- Later, Roz, who is having a pregnancy scare and doesn't want anyone to know yet, pulls Daphne aside and tells her that she has to keep checking her machine since she had an "accident" and has to find out about the damage. Daphne assumes the "accident" is a car crash, and she and Frasier (who is the only person who knows the truth) have an interesting conversation about it:Daphne: Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one myself a few years back.
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, really?
Daphne: Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...
Daphne: I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.
Frasier: I had no idea.
Daphne: Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.
- Then when Frasier accidentally blurts out the truth, he takes Daphne into the kitchen, where they are overheard by a drunken Niles, who thinks Daphne is pregnant with Frasier's child. Doesn't help that Daphne's eyes are watering because she's allergic to the adhesive on her fake eyelashes and that she earlier stated that she must have put on a pound or two because her dress feels tight:Frasier: Just promise me you won't tell a soul. We've got to keep this secret.
Daphne: Oh, right! But we can't keep it a secret forever. My God, we are talking about a baby.
[Niles's eyes bug out.]
Frasier: Oh, how could I have been so careless?
Daphne: These things happen, it's not your fault.
Frasier: Yes, well, you know who'll get the blame if this ever gets out!
Daphne: Don't worry, I'll protect your reputation. I'll tell everyone I forced you to it.
Frasier: All right. We'd better get back to the party before people start wondering about us.
[Then as Frasier exits the room, he hits Niles' prosthetic nosenote , leaving it sticking up at a crazy angle.]
Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. What's your nose all bent out of shape about?
- Niles runs into Frasier while the latter is flirting with a cute blond dressed as Evenote :Niles: What are you doing? Are you just going to abandon Daphne?
Frasier: Niles, just because I gave her a ride doesn't mean I have to spend the whole evening with her!
- Finally, after Frasier has been interrupted one time too many:Frasier: Oh well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault! You should have read the directions on the package before you used it!
Daphne: I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me! I just know I need a lift home right now!
Frasier: Oh, all right! But I am not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number. So you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like! I'm sorry, I am very attracted to this young woman, and I am not going to let you and your little problem stand in my way!
Niles: THAT'S ENOUGH!
[Everyone in the room falls silent and looks at Niles.]
Frasier: Niles, get your big nose out of this! And lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself!
Niles: The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother! You cad, you bounder, you rrrrrrroué!
Frasier: What is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?
Niles: We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one! And before you deny it, I have plenty of proof!
Frasier: From here, it smells like eighty proof!
Niles: A woman stands here before you in dire need...
Daphne: It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.
Niles: Indeed you can.
Martin: [realizing what he thinks] Niles
Niles: I told you, don't try to stop me! [to Frasier] You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, and then you aren't man enough to stand by her?!
Frasier: Niles, before you make a complete ass of yourself—
Niles: Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!
[He draws his sword. Unfortunately, the blade breaks off and he is left with just an empty handle.]
Daphne: But, Dr. Crane—
Niles: No, no! No, don't defend him! There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another. [takes off his hat and kneels in front of Daphne, taking her hand] Daphne, will you marry me?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one that's pregnant, Roz is!
[The guests react.]
Niles: [slurring] Roz is?
505: Beware of Greeks
- Daphne chimes in on the Crane family discussion about Zora banning them from her restaurant.Daphne: I know this is a private discussion, but... I like zither music, and I always have.
(she leaves without further comment. The Cranes look at one another in confusion)
Frasier: ... and we're back.
- Frasier arrives at Zora's kitchen to talk to her, but she is still carrying a grudge for his meddling in her son's life. She angrily stomps around the kitchen while Frasier pleads with her, and when they're done Frasier jokes "I've always wanted to take a tour of the Greek Islands." A chef chuckles at this, only for Zora to immediately smack him round the face. Frasier also appeals to Zora's compassion only for her to declare that she'll ram a skewer into someone's eye when she finds out who slightly bent it. Beware of Greeks indeed.
- After mending a family rift and being able to talk to his brother for the first time in five years (something he's talked about looking forward to), Martin and Walt are barely even able to make small talk.
- Later on, Martin gets filmed insulting Zora and Walt (saying the former was "easier to make than a peanut butter sandwich" before marrying Walt, whom he describes as "not the brightest bulb in the box"), and so arranges to take the tape containing the offending recording. He hears how footage has been taken from all over his in-law's side of the family, rare and irreplaceable testimony. He hesitates.Martin: ... I can't do this.
Daphne: (leans over) I think you press that one there.
Martin: Oh. (cheerfully ejects the tape and promptly throws it away)
- After Frasier mends the relationship between Nikos and his ex Crystal, she shows up to the rehearsal dinner and the two lovingly... juggle breadsticks. Then Zora comes after Frasier with a broken wine bottle.
- Niles being chased all night by his amorous cousin, Yvonne, whose bosom is pushed up and exposed in her dress.Yvonne: I haven't seen you two in a long time!
Niles: (staring at her chest) Oh well, I haven't seen your two in a long time — "you, too," "you, too!"
506: Voyage of the Damned
- Frasier discovers that the prestigious "celebrity cruise" Roz convinced him to participate in is actually full of hilariously lame D-listers.Frasier: You've booked me on a floating Gong Show!
- And after Roz and Frasier meet the Barracuda:Barracuda: I see you are versed in the international language of love.
Frasier: Oh yes Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto!
- As he is preparing for his speech, Frasier admits that one of the guests, comedian Giggles O'Shea, is Actually Pretty Funny and incorporates some funny lines Giggles gave him to put into his speech. He's then horrified to learn he's only attracted a few people.Frasier: Giggles had to add a show!
- Frasier, Roz and Martin are trapped hiding in the bathroom of Maris's suite:Roz: It's ok, I think she's gone....Oh wait! I see her coat on the hat-rack.
Frasier: Look closer, is the hat-rack moving?
Roz: Oh my GOD!!
- Frasier and Roz are convinced that the Barracuda will be stopping by Maris' suite for an evening of passion; however, Martin is not up to speed on the latest turn of events:[Frasier, Roz, and Martin hear the doorbell buzz]
Roz: It's the Barracuda!
Martin: Who's the Barracuda?
Roz: He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi!
Martin: Who's Mimi?
Frasier: A horny society boozer and the Mrs. O'Leary's cow of our current predicament!
Martin: Who's Mrs. O'Leary?
Frasier: A woman in Chicago who- oh, I don't have the time!
- Against all odds, Niles has smoothed things over with Maris, and she has invited him back to her suite for champagne. When Frasier, Roz, and Martin tell him she gargled with mouthwash while they were hiding in her bathroom, he implies that an evening of lovemaking is on the agenda as well. He opens the door to join her, and we get this gem:Niles: Oh, damn. She started without me.
Frasier, Roz, Martin: [grimacing] Ewww...
Niles: [glares at them] Drinking the champagne.
Frasier, Roz, Martin: [relieved] Ohh.
509: Perspectives on Christmas
- Due to a misunderstanding, Daphne becomes convinced Martin is dying. He's not, he's just doing a Christmas performance for a local church and doesn't want her to know. The resulting Two Persons One Conversation doesn't so much Cross the Line as jig back and forth over it.
- The caper to Daphne's story comes when, having realized what's going on, Daphne gets angry at Martin, and he gets angry back. As the two are arguing, a battered Niles staggers in zombie-style, walks past them and collapses.
- Frasier accidentally lets Roz's mother know Roz is pregnant. That afternoon they have to pretend to be Santa and Mrs. Claus for a grotto... but Roz is pissed at Frasier, and would rather yell at him, leaving Frasier facing a whole crowd of parents and kids who've just seen Mrs. Santa yelling about being pregnant...
510: Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name
- Roz joins in Martin's poker night. While Martin heads off to the fridge to get beer, his buddies learn Roz is pregnant (because Martin asks her if she wants a beer), and start talking about the joys of children... and the melancholy as they grow up. Martin, who thought they were hearing a story involving a stripper, returns to an entire table of glum retirees.Martin: Jeez, I don't think you're telling the story right.
- At the beginning of the episode, Niles mentions he's bought an expensive saddle for Maris as a reconciliation. Halfway through the episode, he mentions that thanks to an unforeseen reaction with the oils of the saddle and Maris's beauty treatments, she had a severe epoxy, and the day after has to use a frozen turkey to cool down. Later on, as Martin is preparing for Sherry to come over, he hears the phone ringing.Martin: Maris, is that you? ... why are your teeth chattering? (he hears Maris explaining what's happened, but not knowing the context...) Well, why don't you just use a defroster?
511: Ain't Nobody's Business if 'I Do'
- Frasier and Niles's increasing despair about the prospect of Martin marrying Sherry.Niles: Do you know what that means?
Frasier: Yes. We're going to hear what Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" sounds like on the banjo!
- Niles's particular bugbear is the prospect of what they'd call Sherry, which he thinks would be "maw".
- Daphne is worried about the future of her job if Martin marries Sherry, to which Niles tries to console her:Niles: I could always use you... I mean that I- I would know of a position you could take... Services that you could perform... I would know of an opening...
(Niles grabs the cheque)
Niles: This is on me.
- Hearing about a strange man asking questions about Sherry, Martin immediately turns on Frasier and Niles, who swear (unconvincingly in Niles' case) that they're innocent. The minute he's satisfied and leaves, Frasier then turns on Niles.
- Roz uses her pregnancy to try to get out of a jaywalking ticket. She screws it up hilariously.Policewoman: You're pregnant? Well, I know a little bit about that myself.
Roz: Then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Society doesn't go easy on pregnant ladies, does it? (pats officer's very large belly) So, when are you due?
Policewoman: I'm. Not. Pregnant.
Roz: (sighing) That's Roz Doyle.
Policewoman: You wanna step over here, please? (gestures to a nearby table)
- Frasier and Niles' unconvincing attempts to drop the subject of Sherry's multiple marriages.
- Daphne selling out the brothers to Martin, and then Frasier selling out Daphne, like kids telling on their siblings.
512: The Zoo Story
- Poor Niles, having been denied sex by Maris, starts to get a little peculiar over the course of the episode.
- Niles describes Maris' own lack of sexual drives as making her a "sexual camel".
- Bebe quite possibly having murdered a crane with a jawbreaker to get Frasier back on her side.Frasier: (just about to resign with Bebe) You didn't... murder that bird, by any chance?
Bebe: ... darling, there's always a chance.
Frasier: Good enough for me.
- The Tag: Daphne talking to Eddie, who's sitting on a tiny psychiatrist's couch, pretending to be his shrink.
513: The Maris Counselor
- Niles, planning to surprise Maris after her six-hour meditation (which, according to Niles, inevitably leaves her "as horny as a stoat"), sneaks into her bedroom, where someone is having a shower. It's actually their marriage counselor, Dr. Schenkman. What follows is an Overly Long Gag as both men go back and forth upping the romantic ambiance, assuming the other is Maris... right up until, with the lights off, they hop into bed.
- Later that day, a now understandably devastated Niles goes to work with his couples' therapy, with Frasier helping, until Niles's own anger at Maris makes things difficult. Frasier tries giving Niles advice, but it ends with Niles storming off, determined to try and win Maris back yet again, with Frasier yelling the worst possible thing to say near couples in therapy.Frasier: Sometimes you just have to accept that a relationship is BAD! Doomed! And no amount of work can save it!
- Frasier shooing out Niles' patients after noticing his brother's behaviour:Frasier: No-one is here to judge anybody. (the second the door closes, to Niles) What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?!
- Later on, Niles commenting on his awful luck:Niles: Fifteen years of marriage with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
Martin: Aw, jeez, I didn't need to hear that!
Niles: No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.
Frasier: It's a natural mistake. What tipped you off?
Niles: The heat from her side of the bed!
514: The Ski Lodge
- This episode marks the series' most explicit homage to the farces of writers like Georges Feydeau, and the entire second half is an utter triumph for the writers. Frasier persuades Roz to give him the ski lodge weekend she has won in a church raffle (partly by pointing out that her pregnancy would limit her options for physical activity and partly by bribing her with a big screen TV), and takes along Niles, Martin, Daphne, and Daphne's Dumb Blonde friend Annie; the weekend includes ski lessons from French former Olympian Guy. Niles (who has just filed for divorce from Maris) is more determined than ever to pursue Daphne, who is more interested in Guy; meanwhile, Annie has her eye on Niles, while Frasier is hoping to seduce Annie. And as for Guy... he's especially interested in Niles. All it takes is Martin's cold-induced hearing impairment leading to a few miscommunications and Daphne and Annie accidentally going into each other's bedrooms in front of Frasier and Niles, then swapping back after the brothers have gone into their own rooms, and the stage is set for a series of doors opening and closing and shock discoveries of the wrong people in the wrong beds in varying states of undress. As if that weren't enough, Guy interprets Daphne's attempts to keep Annie away from Niles (due to her history as a maneater) as a sign that they're in a lesbian relationship. ("Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians!") Everything gets topped off by Frasier's perfect summation:Frasier: Let me see if I can get this straight. All the lust coursing through this lodge tonight... all the hormones virtually ricocheting off the walls, and no one... was chasing me?
(everyone else absorbs this.)
Frasier: (shoulders slumping, resigned) See you at breakfast.
- Martin's contribution to the big argument? Wander in to complain about everyone else yelling, and how it's stopping him getting any sleep, before noticing his hearing's finally gotten better, and cheerfully bidding everyone good night.
- In The Tag, Annie changes her mind about Frasier and knocks on his door with a bottle of spirits, hoping to get with him after all. When he doesn't answer the door she assumes he's mad at her and goes back to her room, dejected. Frasier then walks out of the kitchen and goes back into his room, never knowing she was there.
515: Room Service
- Frasier's reaction to seeing Lilith again, just as he's signing off his show:Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental (sees Lilith) AAAAAAGH!
- Lilith announces her next husband left her... for a man.Lilith: Brian said he wanted someone more feminine... and he found him.
- Later, Frasier meets Niles for coffee...Frasier: Speaking of buns I could do without, Lilith is back.
Niles: Oh, that explains why blood was pouring from all my faucets this morning.
Frasier: Now go easy on her. Her husband has left her, and get this: for a man!
Niles: Damn! I owe Dad $5!
- A Running Gag throughout the episode is Niles suffering through a bout of narcolepsy in which he falls asleep when stressed out. One instance has him falling asleep face-first in the freezer. When Frasier wakes Niles up and informs him of what happened:Niles: Oh, that's so strange. I dreamt I was tangoing with Maris.
- On hearing Lilith is stopping by the apartment, Daphne and Martin angrily demand to know why Frasier didn't warn them. When she's at the door, they run for their bedrooms. Martin in particular is so terrified he leaves his cane behind.Martin: [the doorbell rings; he answers the door to reveal Niles] Oh, hey Niles.
Niles: Evening, Dad. [nods to Daphne on the sofa] Daphne.
Frasier: Hello, Niles. [holds up the sherry decanter] Sherry? I think we have time before Lilith arrives. [removes the stopper and pours a glass]
Martin: [horrified] What!? You never said she was coming up here!
Daphne: [likewise] You just said you were going to dinner!
Martin: You never said she was coming up here!
Frasier: [replacing the stopper in the decanter] It's just to rendezvous, it's all of two minutes!
Martin: But you never told me! I- you've been home an hour and you never told me, not a word, [to Daphne] did he say anything to you??
Daphne: No, nothing, [to Frasier] you could have told us, you know, we could have made plans to be elsewhere!
Martin: [to Daphne] Well, how come you didn't know about it!? You usually know these things, you used to get a headache...
Daphne: [overlapping with Martin] Oh, now I'm to blame, am I!? It's not my fault, you know...
[they continue arguing for a few seconds]
Frasier: ALL RIGHT! [Martin and Daphne stop arguing] She's coming! Both of you, suck it up! [gravely] Lilith has had a devastating week! Her husband has left her! [Martin and Daphne look ashamed] The least you can do is show a little compassion, unless, of course, you'd like to go hide in your rooms because two minutes of polite conversation with a woman in need is too much to ask!
[the doorbell rings]
Martin: OUTTA MY WAY! [runs for it]
Daphne: Me too! [runs after Martin; he drops his cane as he runs up the steps, and Daphne reaches for it]
Martin: LEAVE IT! [she does, and they both flee to their bedrooms]
- Frasier worries that with Lilith vulnerable after her husband has left her, they will end up in bed together against their better judgement. His resistance crumbles as soon as she arrives, and Niles has to intervene:Niles: Remember, Frasier, I'm here for you if you feel yourself starting to weaken.
Frasier: [downs his sherry and sets down his glass] I'm fine. [heads to the door] Believe me, I am in complete control. [opens the door to reveal Lilith, wearing her hair down and sporting a dress that only goes a few inches down her thighs] Oh, baby!...
Lilith: [deadpan] Thank you Frasier, I needed that. [entering the apartment] I treated myself to a little shopping this afternoon. Probably just a pathetic attempt to compensate for the battering my ego's taken recently. It's... pretty transparent, huh?
Frasier: [still transfixed by the dress] No, but if you stand in the light maybe-
Frasier: [takes Lilith's wrap, revealing that the back of the dress is cut down to the base of her spine] Yowza!... Oh, Lilith, that... that dress is stunning!
Niles: Frasier, may I see you in the kitchen?
Frasier: [quickly] No!
Lilith: It's from a new couture line called "Encore!"
Frasier: Oh, well, bravo! I can almost feel the curtain rising!
Niles: FRASIER! [runs over, grabs Frasier, and shoves him toward the kitchen]
- Niles comes up with what seems like the perfect antidote to Frasier's lust for his now-single ex-wife:Niles: [as Frasier downs a glass of water to steady his nerves] When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image so repellent, you'll be incapable of any sexual desire. Ehm... [thinks] Remember, the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm, we found that dead horse, lying in the hot sun, crawling with maggots?
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. [pours himself another glass of water and starts drinking it]
Niles: Hold onto that picture! You can ride that horse to safety.
Frasier: [nods] Thank you, Niles. You know, that might just do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse.
- At the episode's halfway point, Lilith wakes up in her hotel room bed, having slept with... Niles.[as Niles and Lilith drift back to consciousness, they dart to opposite edges of the bed; Niles gasps loudly in horror]
Lilith: My GOD! What did we do, what did we do!?
Niles: Well... first, you put your-
Lilith: I know what we did, what do we do now?!
Niles: [as Lilith begins hyperventilating] Let's try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. [Beat] Every day in Arkansas!note [groans] Frasier is going to kill us! Oh... why did you have to look so damn bewitching all evening?
Lilith: Why'd you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?
Niles: Oh... there's no point in pointing fingers. We both know why this happened. Last night was simply... two wounded people, overcome with loneliness, and confusion, and...
Lilith: Tequila shooters. [she and Niles both grimace and place a hand to their foreheads as Hangover Sensitivity kicks in]
- The significance of the episode's title comes into play when a room service waiter delivers their breakfast (Eggs Benedict for Niles, Eggs Florentine for Lilith). Lilith sends him away for ketchup.Niles: Ketchup on Eggs Florentine!?
Waiter: [smirking] Oh, your first breakfast together?
Lilith: [acidly] Just get it.
- Within seconds of the waiter's departure, there's another knock at the door - this time, it's Frasier. Niles and Lilith panic, and Lilith suggests hiding in the bathroom. So Niles runs in - and Lilith runs in after him and shuts the door. The door immediately opens and Niles throws Lilith out again.
- Frasier is surrendering to his desire, unaware that Niles did exactly that the previous night... although the game is almost given away when Niles falls asleep and accidentally flushes the toilet. Lilith claims the toilet is defective and hurries into the bathroom, where she explains the situation to Niles.Niles: [outraged] Does the man have no scruples!? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you, but the minute my back is turned, he sneaks back here [off Lilith's unamused look] and yes, I'm aware of the irony...
- Lilith exits the bathroom to see that Frasier has changed into a bathrobe:Lilith: [exasperated] My god...
Frasier: [pure lust] My goddess!
- The waiter chooses this moment to return with the ketchup; Lilith tries to get rid of him, but since he needs to collect the bill, Frasier decides to let him in, and the waiter is understandably confused to see that Lilith is now with a different man.Frasier: [as Lilith retrieves the bill from the bathroom, in which she hid the cart with Niles] Well, this is a... little embarrassing. [chuckles and gestures toward the bathroom] That's my ex-wife, we're, uh... sort of re-connecting.
Waiter: Yes, sir, that's, uh... wonderful.
Frasier: Well, who knows, it may just work out this time!
Waiter: [adds this to the picture he already has of the situation] Okay...
- Still unaware of Niles' presence, Frasier orders some Eggs Benedict for himself, saying "No reason why she should eat alone!" and prompting another "Okay..." from the increasingly bewildered waiter.
- Niles has another attack of narcolepsy and falls face first into his Eggs Benedict; the noise is too much for Lilith to explain away, and Frasier finally discovers Niles in the bathroom and storms out in a rage.Niles: [beside himself with guilt and horror] This is my worst nightmare!
Lilith: You have egg on your face.
Niles: That is an understatement!
Lilith: No, actual egg! [Niles touches his fingers to his forehead; there is a furious knocking at the door, which Lilith goes to answer] It's in your hair, too. [Lilith opens the door to reveal Frasier]
Niles: [with immense relief] I knew you couldn't stay mad at us!
Frasier: I'M - IN - A - BATHROBE, YOU JACKASS! [storms across the room and grabs his trousers]
- Lilith tries to explain to Frasier that she and Niles only slept together because the demises of their respective marriages left both of them emotionally fragile as they had never been before, and in desperate need of self-affirmation. Frasier turns things around and claims they were both jealous of him, and slept together as an act of passive aggression against him.Lilith: Allow me to rebut: what a crock!
- Niles interjects and describes the situation as two superegos simply trying to re-connect with their respective ids.Frasier: [sitting down heavily] Okay... the three of us have certainly analysed the crap out of this!
- The situation is finally resolved when Niles breaks through his narcolepsy after telling off Maris' lawyers over the phone and reaching a new level of self-confidence, Lilith gets over the idea that her husband left her because she is unattractive, and Frasier, though reluctantly, concedes that the thought of Niles and Lilith sleeping together has finally cooled his own desire for her. Lilith heads into the bathroom to eat her Eggs Florentine... and the waiter returns with Frasier's breakfast, now finding Frasier and Niles in the room.
517: The Perfect Guy
- Martin starting an argument with Robert, a store owner Niles likes frequenting, over the price of his foodstuff.Niles: That man is my father, so I can't be seen walking out with a bagful of your shopping.
Robert: Home delivery?
- On seeing the new guy at KACL, Dr. Clint Webber, whom all the ladies in the station swoon over, an annoyed Bulldog and Gil show up to complain, prompting a surprising reveal that Gil is married.Frasier: You're married?
Bulldog: To a woman?
Gil: Of course to a woman! You've all heard me mention Deb. How often have I said "I must be running along now. Deb will be waiting"?
Roz: ... we thought Deb was your cat.
Gil: She is not a cat! She's Mrs Gilbert Leslie Chesterton, a Sarah Lawrence graduate and the owner of a very successful auto body repair shop! Honestly, the conclusions people make just because a man dresses well and knows how to hold a pastry bag! (storms out)
Frasier: Well, that's the first time I've ever seen a man in himself.
- While at Café Nervosa, Frasier is still grumbling about Dr. Webber, whose impressiveness only escalates the more he talks to him.Frasier: (after Dr. Webber steps outside for a moment, and Roz takes a moment to fan herself down) Stop it. Yes, the man is good-looking. It's not like he can stop traffic!
(sound of tires screeching and several horns honking)
Frasier: There's a blind corner out there! We don't know if that was him.
- Just as Martin mends the rift with Robert, Daphne manages to sabotage it by getting outraged by the prices herself.
518: Bad Dog
- Frasier, obviously obsessing over Bulldog's reluctance to tell the truth about what he did, claims he'll go to bed. As everyone else is talking about how this shows growth, he wordlessly grabs his coat and leaves the apartment to go confront Bulldog again, to none of their surprise.Daphne: Should've asked him to pick up some milk.
- After multiple attempts by Frasier to get Bulldog to confess, none of which work, Martin has his own solution: Yell "he's got a gun!", prompting Bulldog to use his own mother as a human shield, in front of everyone at the award ceremony... Roz, whom he'd previously used as a human shield included.Frasier: (as Roz and Bulldog's mom beat the crap out of Bulldog) Thanks, dad.
Martin: I'm no hero. I just wanted you to shut up.
519: Frasier Gotta Have It
- Frasier's fling with Caitlin, an extreme Granola Girl. He starts to get turned off when he finds out she installed meat hooks on her ceiling (her loft was originally a daycare centre), cuts her own hair and puts it in her pillows, uses dead mice for her artwork, and howls at the moon like a wolf. Frasier decides enough is enough, but Caitlin has an ironclad way to win him back:Frasier: Listen, Caitlin, I, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't such a good idea! [starts putting his trousers back on]
Caitlin: What do you mean?
Frasier: [struggling into his trousers] Well, you know, we're just... so... different, I'm basically your stuffy, button down sort of guy, and you're, well, you're a free-spirited, adventurous, mouse-paintin', moon-howlin' sort of a girl! [finishes fastening his trousers and grabs his shirt] Is even the most satisfying sexual relationship enough to bridge that gap?
Caitlin: Well, I think so... [faces Frasier, unfastens her robe, and lowers it to her waist] What do you think?
[Beat; Frasier howls like a wolf, then we cut to a floor-level view as Caitlin's robe and Frasier's shirt and trousers drop to the floor]
- Daphne recalling an old story about her getting a tan, and Niles's increasing irritation about the interruptions. The culmination comes while Frasier and Roz are in the kitchen for a moment, coming back out as Daphne finishes. Whatever it is the story entails, Niles responds by silently standing up and slowly staggering out of the apartment.
521: Roz and the Schnoz
- This is one of the funniest episodes in the series, when Roz finds out the grandparents of her unborn child, Steve and Paula Garrett, have gigantic noses — and they are completely oblivious to the fact, which leaves everyone in stitches when they're not watching. It gets especially funny when they keep dropping unintentional Puns - for example:Paula: Daphne mentioned you're going to a dog show?
Niles: Yes, the Seattle Kennel Club is having its annual event tonight.
Paula: You know, Steve and I went to that a few years ago, we just love dogs! We have two giant schnauzers.
[Niles has the fixed grin of someone trying desperately not to laugh, while Daphne has to hide her face behind her hand as she starts giggling; the studio audience are laughing hardest of all]
- At Frasier's invitation, Roz finally ushers Steve and Paula onto the balcony of his apartment ("I could use a breath of fresh air!" says Paula, setting off Niles and Daphne again). Then Martin returns early from a failed excursion to retrace his and Duke's 1952 shore leave weekend in San Francisco, as he tells Frasier:Martin: [enters with a duffel bag and a sour expression] I'm home.
Frasier: Dad! What are you doing here?
Martin: Aw, Frisco was a bust! All our watering holes are gone, the steakhouse is a sushi bar! And then this morning Duke and I went out for a walk. We passed City Hall, and there's this big crowd, kinda like a pep rally or something. [removes and hangs up his coat] So, we joined 'em. Well, some official guy up front says something that we didn't hear, next thing you know, everybody's throwing rice, and all the men are kissing each other, and all the women are kissing each other, and I'm not sure but I think Duke and I may be married.
- Martin is just as gobsmacked as the other four by the sight of Steve and Paula's enormous noses — and their apparent oblivion to said facial features. And when Paula offhandedly mentions that she is apprehensive about joining their son Rick (Roz's baby daddy) in Paris as she hears Parisians can be snooty, Daphne, Niles, and Martin have to leave the room for the kitchen - at which point they double over (or in Niles' case, fall over) laughing.Daphne: [whispering through laughter as she removes a quiche from the oven] We've got to stop, they'll hear us!
Steve: [from the living room] Mmm, what's that I smell?
Martin: [sotto voce] Probably Japan. [he, Niles, and Daphne double over laughing again]
- Frasier reprimands his brother, father, and his father's live-in physical therapist for their insensitivity... and is then pushed to breaking point himself when he presents the quiche that has just come out of the oven. Fortunately, Steve inadvertently gives him a cover by reacting to his presentation of the Quiche Lorraine with "Quiche her? I hardly know her!":[Frasier is standing between Steve and Paula, his struggle to keep from laughing getting mightier by the second]
Paula: Do you mind if I ask? Is this homemade or store-bought?
Steve: Honey, don't ask that! Pardon my wife, sometimes she gets a little nosey.
Paula: Me nosey? You're the nosey one in the family.
Steve: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosey!
Paula: Anyone who knows you knows you're nosier!
[and that's all Frasier can stand; he wordlessly hands the quiche to Niles and heads for the kitchen]
Martin: [smirking] Something wrong, Fras?
[as Frasier enters the kitchen, he bursts into hysterical laughter, which sets off Martin, Niles, and Daphne as well; Frasier eventually appears in the doorway]
Frasier: "Quiche her? I hardly know her!" [through more laughter] I... just... got that!
- Frasier tries to console Roz, but she says what everyone is probably thinking:Frasier: You know Roz, in spite of a rather shaky beginning, I think this evening's turned out rather well.
Roz: Oh yeah, and you were absolutely right, Frasier. Now I can see some of the qualities my baby can have. A great sense of humor... a sweet disposition... a nose like an ANTEATER!!
- Finally, Roz gets some relief that Rick, the father, had a normal nose. Then she learns that Rick broke his nose in a hockey accident, and had plastic surgery to fix it. Steve and Paula give her a picture of Rick from before the surgery. After they leave, Roz's reaction to the picture is predictable:Roz: Oh my GOD!
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz! It can't be that bad, let me have a look!
Roz: No, no way, no! I'll never hear the end of it!
(Roz shows Frasier the photos. He looks... and quickly shows them to Niles and Daphne. They stare.)
Niles: (awed) Where is the end of it?
- After everything's been settled, Daphne still Trolls Roz:Roz: Oh, I just felt a kick.
Daphne: You sure it wasn't a sneeze?
Roz: (amiably) Ha. ha.
523: Party, Party
- The episode's A-Plot revolves around Frasier trying to get it on with a woman named Tricia, and circumstances keep getting in the way of that, such as Niles wanting to go to a Safari Club party downstairs, or Daphne and his dad trying to throw him a surprise birthday party. At the very end of the episode, it looks like Frasier has finally managed to earn another chance with Tricia, after setbacks and aggravation galore, by asking to drive her to Spokane. And because this is Frasier we're talking about, just as they're getting underway it turns out she likes country and western, and hates opera. Which Frasier seems willing to look past... then she also turns out to be a proselytizer for an evangelical group preaching "The Truth".
- The B-Plot has Niles having slept with Allison Landis, an Elliott Bay Towers resident and the wife of Karl, an influential member of the Safari Club, a man who is inattentive and ragingly jealous toward said wife.
- Niles only learns that Allison is married when Frasier accidentally bumps into Karl, who snaps, "If I wanted this martini shaken, I'd have asked the bartender to do it!" Another guest, Nigel, tells them not to mind "Rhino" - so nicknamed because of his beastly temper. Nigel reveals that Karl is a serial philanderer, and predicts that one day, Allison will return fire and "rub his bloodthirsty nose in it".Niles: [to Frasier, with a fixed grin] Here's something interesting - I think I just swallowed my tongue! [begins hyperventilating]
Frasier: Niles, Niles, just be calm, be calm, what's done is done, you didn't know, and now it's over. As long as you've both been discreet, there's no reason it should ever get back to Rhino.
Karl: [on the other side of the room, talking to Allison] I don't know what you're insinuating.
Allison: [scoffs] Don't lie! Everyone knows what goes on in that pup tent! [folds her arms defiantly] Well, I can play at that game too. In fact, I already have, and with somebody right here tonight! [Niles grimaces and places a hand on Frasier's chest to steady himself] How do you like that?
Niles: Frasier! I have to ask a small favour: I need you to create a distraction while I have a sex change and move to Europe.
- Partway through the party, Frasier sneaks out in another attempt to meet up with Tricia, and Niles tries to claim that the departing guest must have been Allison's lover. Karl believes differently, saying he can smell the man's fear, and he's still in the room. He demands the guilty party stand up so they can talk it out. Niles, clearly fearing the worst, prepares to stand up anyway... and then several other men stand up instead. Niles hurriedly sits back down.Karl: That many, huh? [to Allison, who shrugs] My God, woman, you're as bad as I am. [to Allison's lovers] Come on, ya bastards, join me in a drink! [laughs and claps one of the men on the back as Niles sips his drink nervously]
- Niles only learns that Allison is married when Frasier accidentally bumps into Karl, who snaps, "If I wanted this martini shaken, I'd have asked the bartender to do it!" Another guest, Nigel, tells them not to mind "Rhino" - so nicknamed because of his beastly temper. Nigel reveals that Karl is a serial philanderer, and predicts that one day, Allison will return fire and "rub his bloodthirsty nose in it".
524: Sweet Dreams
- With Frasier's car in the shop, Daphne is forced to chauffeur him around, and gets dragged to a protest against the demolition of a local bookstore by a strip mall developer. When the police start arresting the demonstrators, Frasier is off like a shot while Daphne ends up in jail. She is understandably angry at Frasier when Martin finally bails her out after six hours at the police station, and Niles tries to offer his support, only to tumble headlong into That Came Out Wrong - and, somehow, straight back out again:Frasier: Daphne... I am... so sorry, I feel just terrible.
Daphne: [icily] As you should! You left me handcuffed and helpless!
Niles: [a little TOO quickly] If you ever find yourself in that position again, be sure to call on me! [Daphne gives him a puzzled look, while Frasier opts for a contemptuous glare; Niles returns Frasier's glare] For help.
Daphne: Thank you, Dr. Crane! [to Frasier] Shame on you, Dr. Crane! Why can't you be more like Dr. Crane?
- Frasier ends up declining Niles' invitation to a new fusion restaurant, but Martin, after six hours in the police station, says he is hungry enough for anything and leaves with Niles as the latter begins explaining the cuisine (which fuses Polynesian and Scandinavian; Frasier drily notes that perhaps God put those countries so far apart for a reason). Frasier picks up the phone and dials a pizza joint - and correctly anticipates what happens next:Frasier: Hello. Yes, I'd like to order a large pizza. What toppings? Huh. Uh... just a second... [Martin opens the front door] Dad, what do you want on your pizza?
Martin: [sickened] Pepperoni!
- This episode sees the introduction of new KACL station manager Kenny Daly, who wants Frasier to advertise Sweet Dreams tea on his show by claiming it gives people sweet dreams. As a psychiatrist, Frasier knows this is false and sees it as a betrayal of his principles to say it is true. So when his broadcast begins, he decides to protest against being forced to advertise something he doesn't believe in. Unfortunately, the station chooses a bad time to cut his broadcast and air a Best of Crane episode:Frasier: Good afternoon, Seattle. The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I am about to tell you. I... am not a man... who betrays... his principles. [Roz looks at Kenny, who shakes his head sadly] I am not a man who misleads his listeners. I am not a man who will shrink from a fight! [looks at Kenny, who leaves Roz' booth; Roz removes her headphones and sighs] Today I find myself in a fight over the content of my show, but rather than truckle to the forces of commercialism, I've decided to take a stand on principle! Even if it means- [Roz enters from her booth, her coat over her arm; Frasier smiles thinly] I'm not on the air, am I.
Roz: No. They put on The Best of Crane.
Frasier: [removes his headphones] How much did I get out?
Roz: Well, let's see... [presses Play on the broadcast tape]
Recording Frasier: The people who know me best will not be surprised by what I am about to tell you. I... am not a man.
Frasier: [spends a few seconds absorbing this] Perfect.
- Frasier, trying to get Kenny's job back for him, goes straight to the head of KACL and tries to get him to change his mind on the corporate pandering that lead to the whole situation. And, as typical for Frasier, he succeeds in entirely the wrong way. He convinces the station owner to do what he wants... which is to turn KACL into an all-salsa radio, getting everyone fired.
- Frasier working through the five stages of grief. After several days dealing with denial, anger comes out at a lunch he's throwing for the ex-KACL employees... all of whom (save Roz) are doing better than him, just as he's trying to demonstrate how to whack a piñata. When Gil reveals that he got a job Frasier and Roz were hoping to get, Frasier first smashes the piñata into scrap paper (Martin tells Niles that when he was done, they found a jawbreaker on the opposite side of the highway), then, when Bebe calls him with the news, he turns his rage against his phone, crushing it into fragments.
- Frasier hears he has a fan club that wants to protest his show being taken off the air. He has a large buffet ready for them — and it turns out there's only three of them. After telling Frasier they intend to stop traffic with a rally, he's understandably mortified.Frasier: I can't let them do this rally. Three kooks marching round in a circle, you know what that'll do?
Niles: (deadpan) Make them very dizzy very fast.
- The fans know who Daphne is, and note she changed her hairdo. Daphne's reaction:Daphne: (faux cheery) Oo, how creepy!
- After an entire episode of Frasier going through his depression over losing his job, Niles manages to crack him through to the fifth stage with one phrase:Niles: Frasier... you're not famous anymore!
(Frasier begins wailing and sobbing)
- Roz tries offering support. It doesn't go well.Roz: Frasier, it's all how you look at things. Look at my life...
Frasier: No career, no relationship, no hope!
Roz: You can say the same thing about me.
Frasier: I was talking about you!
- And as for Daphne:Daphne: Dr. Crane, my Grammy Moon used to say-
(Frasier wails in despair)
Martin: Are you trying to kill him?!
- Martin, meanwhile, gets distracted by Eddie, who he'd apparently taught to roll over when he hears the words "it's all over", which Frasier says. So...Martin: (seeing Eddie rolling over) I'm so proud of you!
Frasier: I know you're just trying to make me feel better...
- Roz tries offering support. It doesn't go well.
- At the end of the episode, everything's sunshine and roses for Frasier, and Niles has good news:Niles: I think this divorce is going to go very smoothly!
(Smash Cut to title card)
Title card: Denial
602: Frasier's Curse
- Frasier's disastrously awful job interview. Humiliation Conga just doesn't quite cover it. And the aftermath, when Niles and Martin get back to the apartment.Daphne: He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Niles: And you left him alone?!
- Frasier moans about how he's always so embarrassed by class reunions:Frasier: Destiny plans for me to walk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser! Pitied and shunned by everyone until I end up sitting with the most pathetic people there.
Niles: You mean... the chess club?
Frasier: Worse! The chess club's barbershop quartet.
Niles: Oh... the Checkmates.
- Frasier running into an old, successful school-mate while fishing beer cans out of a trashcan, as he's covered in grease, dressed casually, and pushing a shopping cart full of old dog food. All of which gives the impression that he's homeless, and his strident attempts to claim otherwise make him look like he's gone nuts.
- After having finally, finally been persuaded to go to his old high school reunion by a Motivational Lie from Martin, Frasier leaves... while Daphne notices the flaws in the lie (the job Martin claimed he'd gotten is with a corporation run by one of the people at the reunion. In fact, it's the person hosting it). Just as Daphne points this out... cue the Dramatic Thunder.
- The Brick Joke of Frasier's reunion experiences reaches its payoff in the final scene:Frasier: (resigned) Hi, fellas.
Frasier: (resigned) Hit it.
(Cue a rendition of "My Coney Island Baby", with Frasier depressedly and flatly supplying the bass-bartione "Oh honey" parts of the song, before Face Palming in shame.)
603: Dial M for Martin
- Niles enters Café Nervosa to find Roz and Martin sharing a table:Niles: I'm not interrupting anything personal, am I?
Roz: [takes Martin's hand] Yeah, Niles, we just eloped. I'm your new mom. [Martin pats her hand]
Niles: [smirks] Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. [Roz shoots him a Death Glare]
- The first thing we see after Martin and Eddie move in with Niles is Eddie just randomly walking in a circle on Niles's table.
- After Martin takes a tumble down Niles' stairs, Frasier idly speculates he's unintentionally doing it so Daphne will have a reason to stick around. As the day goes by, Niles comes across more and more like he's gone nuts and is actually trying to hurt Martin, who eventually decides to run for it.
- With Martin gone, Frasier is preparing to enjoy an evening with a lingerie model. Then Martin and Eddie show up. Then Daphne shows up. Then Niles shows up. This ends with Frasier standing over a prone Martin, yelling about how he's being a wuss just as his date finally arrives, takes a long look at what's going on and leaves again. Frasier's response is to stagger over to his table, pick up the wine he'd been specially saving for the night, take a drink, and then he allows Daphne and Niles to put Martin on his sofa.
604: Hot Ticket
- Daphne's picture is in the paper in the "It's Your Seattle" column... although her back is to the camera and her skirt has been blown up by the wind. She shrugs it off and says she will be sending a copy to her family.Daphne: So I'm bending down and me knickers are showing a bit, but my family will still be proud as peacocks when they see that: "Daphne Moon's Seattle."
Frasier: [exchanging a smirk with Martin] She certainly does.
- While standing in line for last-minute theatre tickets, Frasier and Niles run into Roz and her dentist date, Rob, who reveals that Niles has been bleaching his teeth. Then, when they try to steal Daphne's letter, she snaps at them for apparently rummaging through her stuff.Daphne: You just wanted to find out if I was gossiping about you to my mum. Well, fine! I was! A seventy-three year old woman from Manchester is about to learn you dye the grey out of your temples. There, ya happy?
Frasier: (as Niles looks smug) No, I am not happy, I am mortified! How did you know that!? I keep my hair dye in the false bottom of my cufflink box!
Daphne: (suddenly embarrassed) Well... I'll let it go this time. (beats a hasty retreat)
605: First, Do No Harm
- Frasier isn't the only one whose career between stints at KACL is filled with job interview disasters:Roz: [having just dozed off across the table from Frasier due to Alice keeping her awake all night] I have got to wake up. I'm on my way to an interview, I mean, I'd kill for a cup of regular coffee, but I'm still nursing so I can't. You know, it was all I could do just to, to get myself dressed and feed the baby this morning!
Frasier: Yes, well, next time maybe you should try feeding first and dressing second. [points to a large stain on her blouse]
Roz: [looks at the stain] Oh my GOD!
Frasier: Yes, yes...
Roz: How did I miss this!? [tries dabbing it with a paper napkin]
Frasier: Well... on the plus side, it does divert the eyes from the blueberries in your teeth.
Roz: WHAT!? [covers her mouth, then tries rubbing the blueberries off her teeth with the napkin] I can't go to this interview like this!
Frasier: Of course you can.
Roz: Oh, I'm just gonna call and cancel... [gets up and grabs her handbag]
Frasier: No, no, no, Roz, no, please, just... check your teeth, yes, put your jacket on, [she does so] and you'll look every inch the smart career gal on the go!
Roz: [as Martin enters the café behind her] Thanks, Frasier.
Martin: Hey, Roz! [glances at the floor] Is that the newest thing, wearing two different shoes?
Roz: [looks at her feet] Oh my GOD! [rushes out]
- This exchange in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. Too Much Information at its finest:Frasier: You know, you're jealous! You're jealous that I'm having sex. Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex. What are you having?
[he doesn't notice the waitress behind him]
Niles: I'm having a latte.
606: Secret Admirer
- Niles finds out that the gifts Frasier had been getting had been intended for him and not Frasier, and were from Maris. Frasier, who has just been talking to an ex-girlfriend whom he thought was sending him the gifts, has a wonderful bit of Comically Missing the Point when informed.Frasier: Well, that was fun! Had a little catching up to do, but it turns out she wasn't the woman sending the gifts.
Martin: Yeah, we know, the gifts are from Maris.
Frasier: Maris... is my secret admirer?!
- Just as Frasier is meeting his date for the night, Daphne and Martin start bickering Like an Old Married Couple.
- Niles's recounting of what happened when he confronted Maris about her attempts to bribe him back to her.Niles: She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
(sheer look of "what the hell" on Frasier's face)
Martin: You know, they've got a cream for that.
- Niles finds what he believes is another gift box on the doorstep and asks a rhetorical question about his ex-wife:Niles: What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.
- Then Niles gets a potent threat from Maris ("Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel."), leading to this exchange:Niles: (despairing) Oh, Frasier, why did I go over there? Why didn't I listen to you?
Frasier: Why didn't I listen to you? If I had, I'd be sitting with Nancy right now, sipping wine in front of the fire.
Niles: I'll be stripped clean and devoured like an animal.
Frasier: And I won't be.
607: How to Bury a Millionaire
- At the beginning of the episode, Frasier and Martin are driving around looking for somewhere to eat, when they see Niles pass them in a hatchback. On realizing they've seen him, he guns it. Frasier uses his carphone to call him, and Niles swears up and down it's not him, even as Frasier can hear his own horn honking. Then Niles sees a Bentley-driving acquaintance who judges people by the cars they drive, slams on the brakes, and ducks his head below the dashboard.Niles: Dad, come quickly. I need your help!
Martin: Oh my god, what is it?!
Niles: I need you to get up here and pretend this is your car!
- The runner of Martin trying to find some aspirin in Niles's apartment, then getting lost trying to find his way back.
- Niles' guided tour of his new apartment in the Shangri-La, especially the 'master bedroom' and the heavy hints as to what became of its last tenant.
- Frasier is initially, if reluctantly, accepting that pushing Niles into staying at the Shangri-La was the right thing to do. Until Martin hears about it.Martin: You got him in the Shangri-La? That's where Duke stayed after his divorce. Oh, let me tell ya', that's my kinda place!
Frasier: What have I done?!
- Going to see Niles, they find him acting casual... in a Hawaiian shirt, trying to sit casually in a lounge chair. But the façade only lasts so long.Martin: I'd be happy here - this is my kinda place.
Niles: [wailing] GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE!
608: The Seal Who Came to Dinner
- The entire second half of the episode deals with Frasier and Niles trying to dispose of a dead seal, while making sure no-one at Niles's party, taking place at Maris's beach house, notices.
- The end result: As a mix of a nosy neighbour of Maris's, an untimely arrival of cops and sheer bad circumstances, such as Niles being found obsessively cleaning a bloody knife, Niles and Frasier are arrested on suspicion of murdering Maris and dumping her body in the ocean. Even Frasier doesn't believe Niles's protests.Niles: My wife's in Antwerp having her elbows done!
Frasier: Oh, come off it Niles, even I don't believe that!
609: Roz, a Loan
- After Frasier grumbles about the situation with loaning Roz money, Daphne suddenly lets loose with a long rant at Frasier for being stingy, then having to make a massive Verbal Backspace when called on it.Daphne: Excuse me, not to interrupt, but six months ago you borrowed forty dollars from me. We were at the wine shop, remember? You couldn't quite scrape together enough for a bottle of your precious Chateau Mr. Fussy-Pants? So I lent you the money. (increasingly angry) And have I said a peep about it since? No! I just sit here quietly reusing my tea bags while you trundle off to your private clubs ordering gourmet this and imported that! "Are the cigars Cuban?" "Are the Tulips Dutch?" "Oh, good news: my personal shopper just found a dozen antique pudding plates." Who has twelve people over for pudding?! So you gave poor Roz a bit of money! It hasn't changed your life, has it, you sherry-swilling, foie gras-munching hypocrite?!
Frasier: (unoffended) Daphne? I did repay you.
Frasier: I paid for that parking ticket. Fifty dollars as I recall. It means you owe me ten.
Daphne: (sheepish) Oh, right. Well, I'm glad you said something. It's not good to let these things fester.
- The ending has Roz defiantly telling Frasier off, and cutting him a check repaying him completely. After he leaves, she asks Bulldog for a loan — she wrote a bad check.
611: Good Samaritan
- Frasier, hosting the late night version of his show, dealing with a man who thinks his radio is talking to him.Stephen: People are talking to me, through my radio.
Frasier: Why do you think that?
Stephen: There it is again.
Frasier: Turn your radio down.
Stephen: Now it's giving me orders!
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: It knows my name!
Frasier: Stephen, listen to me: this is your radio talking. I am a very smart radio, and I care about you. Now I want you to turn me off, go to bed, and seek counselling in the morning.
Stephen: Okay. Sorry, doc, can't talk.
- Frasier gets arrested for soliciting a prostitute (for context, Frasier didn't know she was a prostitute; he saw her standing outside in the rain and assumed she just needed a ride home) while Freddie is visiting, and feels he has to explain the situation.Frasier: For the next couple of days, you're going to hear some rather nasty stories and some snide jokes about your old man.
Freddie: Mom's coming?
- Frasier noting he has to break the news gently to Freddie after seeing the morning newspaper talking about him.Frasier: God... how can I possibly explain it to him? Well, I guess the key is not to be evasive. He's gonna hear about it sooner or later. (as Freddie enters the room) I guess it should be from me, I am a trained psychiatrist, I can tell him in a way that won't traumatise him. (sees Freddie about to touch the newspaper) FREDERICK, DON'T TOUCH THAT!
612: Our Parents, Ourselves
- The episode opens with Frasier fielding a call from married couple Sophie and Larry (real life married couple Marlo Thomas and Phil Donahue); Sophie is bristling at not being allowed to have friends over during Larry's Super Bowl party, and while Frasier sides with Sophie, Larry says he will only agree if Frasier can prove he knows something about football. Thankfully, Roz is able to help him bluff his way to answering Larry's question:Larry: You're down by six, you're on your own 40, three seconds left, what do you do!?
Frasier: Well, all right, you would... [notices Roz holding up two phone receivers and gesturing with them] You would... [gets it] take your receivers. [Roz mimes putting the receivers in a queue] And line them up. [Roz mimes throwing a football] And then throw a pass! [Roz repeats the gesture, but more so] A long, long pass.
Larry: Yeah, and what's the name for that?
[Roz gets out of her chair, kneels, makes the sign of the Cross, and mimes praying with an innocent look on her face]
Frasier: A Hail Mary. [Roz gives him a double thumbs up] Sophie and Larry, I hope you enjoy the game. In the meanwhile, this is Coach Crane saying, "I'm listening." [grins triumphantly, presses a button on his console, and removes his headphones]
Roz: [entering the booth] I'm impressed you're so good at charades!
Frasier: I'm impressed you could mime a virgin!
- Meeting Bonnie at Martin's usual haunt reveals a bit too much about which kid is his favorite:Bonnie: (to Frasier) Your dad is so proud of you.
Frasier: (equal parts embarrassed and pleased) Oh, Dad.
Bonnie: He talks about you all the time. (seeing Niles.) Who's your friend?
(Niles stares at Martin)
Martin: Now what's wrong with you, I told you about my other son.
Bonnie: Of course, what was I thinking? Nice to meet you, Eddie.
614: Three Valentines
- Niles' vignette, "A Valentine for Niles." Comparisons to Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin are not unwarranted. It was billed as "The funniest five minutes on television" in the ads. They're right. The only sound is the soundtrack (two pieces by Mozart; the finale of Symphony No.40, and the overture to The Marriage of Figaro), and it is perfect. It all starts with Niles noticing the crease in one of his trouser legs is crooked, and ends with Niles unconscious and trouserless in the doorway of Frasier's apartment, the living room and dining room covered with fire extinguisher foam, and Eddie eating the remains of Niles' dinner off the still-smouldering couch where it landed. Eddie's reactions to the chaos unfolding in front of him only add to the hilarity.
615: To Tell the Truth
- Niles' previous lawyers were bilking him so badly Niles was reduced to bologna sandwiches and fruit cocktail for lunch.Frasier: Do you have any idea what theyre having for lunch??Niles: (sheepishly) I don't know. They don't itemize. They just bill me for the total.
- Donny apparently studied law at the University of Las Vegas. Niles quips, "No trouble finding tassels for those mortar boards."
- Frasier can't help but give long-winded answers to Donny's practice questions for court.Frasier: And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.
Donny: And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding." Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?
Frasier: Well, I-
Martin: Trust me, he did.
- Among the increasingly desperate ploys by Maris' lawyers is allegation that Niles has been frivolous with money. The Crane brothers waste no time calling out the hypocrisy of this claim.Niles: Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?!Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bathtub with Evian.
- One of Donny's test questions is asking if anyone can recall a moment where Maris acted irrational or unstable. Everyone bursts into laughter over that one.
- But disaster seems to loom when, in a Call-Back to Season 3's "Moon Dance", Maris' lawyers use Niles and Daphne's night on the dance floor to claim that Niles has been in love with Daphne for years. Daphne finds the idea absurd, while Donny is confident that for once, Frasier's compulsive truth-telling will be an asset. As soon as Donny leaves with Daphne to coach her for her deposition, Niles despairs:Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That why Niles lives in the Shangri-La and drives a HATCHBACK!
- Martin confronts Frasier over the possibility that he will blow Niles' secret, leaving him financially and emotionally destroyed, simply because he refuses to lie under oath. He finds a creative way to establish if Frasier would ever consider perjuring himself:Frasier: Dad, we are talking about perjury! When is that ever acceptable!?
Martin: Oh, you want an example? Fine! Um... let's say, uh, what if there was a comet hurtling towards the Earth-
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake! [shakes his head in disgust]
Martin: And you were the only person who could save the Earth, but the only way you could do it is by lying under oath. Would you do it then?
Frasier: [looks at Martin in disbelief] Who am I lying to, the comet?!
Martin: Just answer the question!
Frasier: All right, I suppose in certain extreme cases-
Martin: So, then, you'd lie.
Frasier: [impatiently] To save mankind from a talking comet, yes!
- Before Frasier's deposition, Donny says he wants a private word with Niles, and asks why he hasn't been honest with him. Niles assumes he's talking about his love for Daphne - but Donny has discovered something even Niles never knew. It turns out, contrary to her claims, Maris' family fortune didn't come from timber. It came from urinal cakes.Niles: She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it too! (flashes Donny a faux "oh, snap!" grimace)
- Maris is on Day 6 of a week long vow of silence with her guru. She changes her tune quickly when she finds out Niles and Donny have "flushed out" her family secret.Niles: (over the phone) Hellooooo, Maris! (grins ear to ear and puts his feet up on Donny's desk)
617: The Dinner Party
- The entire episode is one long string of Crowning Moments building up to future Crowning Moments. To recap some of them:
- First, the brothers try to set a date to throw a joint dinner party.Niles: Oh, what about the 11th?
Frasier: No, concert tickets.
Niles: I don't have that marked.
Frasier: Yes, I'm taking a date.
Niles: Well, isn't that nice. [writes in his diary] 11th, "Expect desperate last-minute call from F."
- The brothers agree they can each black ball three guests they don't want at the party, and use three nuts each from the nut tray. After Frasier blackballs Niles' first two choices, assuring us that "we don't question the blackball" once it's thrown, Niles cooks up a gambit to get Frasier to use up his last blackball by suggesting a couple known to them as "The Drunken Duncans". It backfires when Frasier cheerfully pretends to accept the Duncans, forcing Niles to use a blackball on his own pick.
- When Frasier throws in a fourth ball, Niles catches on and reaches into the bowl.Niles: This is a dried-up old fig!
Frasier: So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party.
- Frasier's call to "The Drunken Duncans":Frasier: I better phone the Duncans, hope we can catch them before "Happy Hour"! (calls) Hello, Nina. (aside to Niles) Too late! (to Nina) Frasier Crane calling. Listen, Niles and I are having the Ashbys over and a few other people for a dinner and we were hoping that you could join us on the 11th... Don't cry, Nina, please. Yes, well, I've always loved you too.
- They call the Walburts to invite them, but when Mrs. Walburt doesn't hang up properly they overhear her saying it doesn't matter which "Dr. Crane" invited them, "you get the one you get that other one. Personally I think the whole thing is a little..."
- At first, Niles tries to pass it off as a compliment.Frasier: Oh? Is there a good end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole thing is a little charming"?!
- Cue the pair arguing over who's "the one" and who's "that other one".Frasier: Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said.
Frasier: You get Frasier, you get that Niles!
Niles: She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?!
Frasier: I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one!
Niles: I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one!
later, after some more arguing
Niles: This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension.
Frasier: Great idea, Niles! Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us!
- It culminates in this:Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet?
Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... their foster child! From a tiny village on the pampas. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food!
Niles: So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic?
Frasier: (beat) Oh, you are SO "that other one"!
- They ask Martin:Frasier: Dad, do you think we're odd?
Martin: No, you're not odd. You're just "special". Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.
- At first, Niles tries to pass it off as a compliment.
- This also sets up The Tag when Martin tells the two about two eccentric brothers who shared a New York apartment and built a maze out of newspapers that one got lost in and died. After bidding farewell to Niles, Frasier takes a stack of newspapers out for recycling.
- Frasier summing up their condition when their favorite guests have to cancel.Niles: So where does that leave us?
Frasier: Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! (throws down list) Dinner is served!
- The party plans become such a disaster that Niles has no choice but to black ball himself.Niles: (panicking) I've only got one black ball left.
Frasier: At this point, one black ball's not going to make a difference.
Niles: Yes it will, I'm using it on myself!
- First, the brothers try to set a date to throw a joint dinner party.
- The B-story features Daphne and Roz going to a British Consulate ball. A stain on one of the dresses forces them to deal with who will wear the elegant Little Black Dress and who will wear the more... suggestive dress. Predictably, guess who wears the latter dress?Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful!
Roz: (extremely annoyed) Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker.
Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works!
618: Taps at the Montana
- With his divorce settlement having stabilised his finances, Niles prepares to move back into his luxury apartment at the Montana... only to discover the man whom Frasier arranged to take over the lease in Niles' absence, Dr. MacLowery, has driven the other tenants up the wall with incessant tap-dancing, and tenants' board chairman Mr. Probst announces that they are considering voting to evict him. Frasier thus organises a soirée on Niles' behalf, with Daphne and a reluctant Roz assisting in the kitchen, while Martin plays... another role:Martin: What am I, the dishwasher?
Frasier: No, no, no, Dad, you were invited because - well, it just wouldn't be a party without you.
Niles: That's right. [Martin's expression makes it clear he isn't buying a word of it]
Frasier: Although... there may be a few women here who are unattached who might just take a shine to an old... debonair dog like yourself!
Martin: [deadpan] I'm just a piece of meat to you guys, aren't I.
- Shortly thereafter, we get a bit of Foreshadowing regarding one of the episode's main plot points:Daphne: Oh! [fishes something out of her cleavage] There goes that damned loose earring again. [puts it back in her earlobe] Thank goodness it didn't fall into the punch bowl. We don't want someone choking on it.
Frasier: Yes, although nothing says "party" like a tracheostomy.
- Out of embarrassment at living in the Shangri-La, Niles has lied to the other Montana residents that he was on a lecture tour of Africa. His jokes about the fictional tour fall so flat, he could use them as rugs:Mrs. Larkin: You must tell us all about your African tour, Dr. Crane.
Mr. Larkin: [sarcastically] Yes, did the local people actually enjoy your lectures?
Niles: Well yes, quite a bit... uh... except of course for the pygmies. Most of it went right over their heads. [he laughs, no-one else does; the doorbell rings] I'll get it. [he opens the door to reveal more guests] Oh, the rest of the board, pleased to see you! Come in! [the new arrivals exchange pleasantries with the guests already present]
Mrs. Latimer: Dr. Crane... while you were on the subcontinent did you happen to spot any rare African water fowl?
Niles: Just one, but it was already spotted! [more awkward silence] I'll get it. [heads for the kitchen]
- Niles's cockatoo has an amazing gift for latching onto the wrong dialogue.Cockatoo: AWK! Bite me, Niles.
Niles: Right back at you.
Cockatoo: AWK! Stuff it, Niles.
Niles: Ohhhhh... don't tempt me.
- Roz confronts Niles over the guests' behaviour:Roz: Do you see that obnoxious old lecher!?
Niles: Well... you're going to have to be a lot more specific.
- The next time we see the cockatoo, she is lying dead on the kitchen table, so Frasier and Daphne cover her with a dish towel before breaking the news to Niles.Niles: Will somebody tell me what happened?
Frasier: I'm gonna let Daphne tell you! [bolts into the living room to recover the potentially tainted food]
Niles: [edgily] What is it?...
Daphne: I don't mean to alarm you, but... there's something wrong with the hors d'oeuvres.
Niles: What? How do you know?
Daphne: A little bird told me.
[later, Niles is attempting to perform avian CPR, to no avail]
Niles: Did you see how it happened? Anything?
Daphne: Well, I did hear her last words, but... I don't think they'd be of much comfort to you.
- Mrs. Larkin enters, having spilled punch on her blouse, and reaches for the towel covering Baby's body. Daphne quickly pushes the towel down and says she should use something much better, as Niles hands her... a piece of bread. She goes along with it, describing bread as "nature's sponge", but the look she exchanges with Niles afterward is hysterical.
- It turns out Daphne's earring fell off again, and Baby tried to eat it and choked to death on it. Unfortunately, Frasier has already thrown away the hors d'oeuvres - well, most of them, anyway:Niles: Oh! That means we don't have to destroy the hors d'oeuvres! Frasier! Frasier! Stop! Are there any left?
Frasier: [picks up the silver tray he was just emptying into the bin] Yes, we're in luck. This... intrepid little crab puff has survived. All I need is a very sharp knife and sixteen toothpicks!
- At the end of the episode, Roz needs a stiff drink after the night's events, and Frasier tells her Niles has a bottle of vodka in the freezer... unaware Daphne has left Baby's corpse in the door. Meanwhile, Niles is reassuring the tenancy board he'll keep quiet from now on. Cue Roz screaming from the other room.Roz: Oh, my GOD!
Niles: Good night.
- Another of Daphne's stories about her weird brothers and her childhood. This time, the "Toe Fairy", helped by Martin's being increasingly freaked out.Daphne: (on her brothers' competitiveness) They'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until the year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then he got five quid for it, why, it was all they could do to stop him sawing off the rest of them. (laughs)
Martin: What's keeping you guys with that box?
- Frasier and Niles have won a lunch with three Nobel laureates in a charity auction, but Frasier is left feeling insecure about his intellect after he and Niles finally look at their childhood IQ test results - and Niles scored 27 points higher than Frasier (whereas their mother had always told them the gap was two points and never specified whose score was higher). After shooing Niles out of his apartment, Frasier speeds off to the library for a cram session in the scientific journal archives, but when he meets Niles for lunch with the laureates the next day, he discovers that Niles also spent the night at the library. The hilarity of the scene starts with Frasier twitching uncontrollably after drinking endless cups of coffee the previous night, while Niles is sneezing and scratching his ear after his library session caused a flare-up of his parchment mite allergy.
- Niles has already taken two antihistamine tablets, but is still sneezing, so he takes another two tablets... only to sneeze them back into his hand before he swallows them. He thinks for a moment, then downs them again anyway. The second dose sends his brain into the stratosphere without him:Frasier: Niles, why don't you just go home and go to bed!?
Niles: [struggling to put the cap back on his antihistamine bottle] Well, that is exactly what you'd like for me to be happening.
Frasier: [confused] What did you just say?
Niles: Well... if you didn't repeat it the first time, I'm not gonna listen to it. [continues trying to line up the bottle and the lid]
Frasier: [absorbs this] Niles, Niles, that medication, it's- it's affecting your speech! [points at the bottle; he doesn't notice his hand start shaking] You've just taken a second dose of it, for God's sakes, you're gonna make a fool out of yourself!
Niles: [high-pitched] Well, you should talk, look at your shaky hands and your twitchy eyes, [gasps] you were up all night drinking coffee all night last night, weren't you?
Frasier: [overlapping with the last part of Niles' sentence] No- I am not- I was not- I am not twitching, you will not psyche me into twitching! [his eye starts twitching more and more]
Waiter: [walks over and fills Frasier's water glass] Gentlemen! May I offer you a... [trails off as he notices Frasier's eye twitching] Sir, is your eye bothering you?
Frasier: No! No, it's fine. [his eye continues to twitch]
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Frasier: No, thank you- oh, well, yes, some coffee. Decaf!
Niles: [scratching his ear like a dog] I'd like a cup of... tea sounds nice.
Waiter: [clearly not sure what to make of the brothers' behaviour] ... very good. [leaves]
- Both brothers' mental states continue to deteriorate, Niles' much more quickly than Frasier's:Frasier: You know what, Niles, you really should leave, you're embarrassing yourself. [he tries to take a drink from his glass, but his hand is shaking so violently that he spills it all over himself; he quickly puts it down again] For God's sakes! [frantically wipes up the spilled water with a napkin]
Niles: [shaking his head] I'm never leaving while you're still... not leaving. You... know you had the good bed.
Frasier: [confused] Well, now you're just hallucinating!
Niles: No, when we moved to Wallace Lane! And we shared a room and you got to pick where you would be... having your... sleeping. [sniffs, then leans toward Frasier and puts his elbow in a plate of butter intended for bread rolls]
Frasier: [even more confused] Niles, the beds were identical! Oh, why am I even bothering explaining this to a man who has his elbow in the butter!?
Niles: [looks at his other elbow, which is on the back of his chair, then grins triumphantly] Well, who's hallucinationing now?
Frasier: Niles, have you ever taken these pills before?
Niles: No, but they've fixed my nose! [bats his ear furiously; Frasier groans] You know, I just wish they wouldn't make me so hyper! [slumps onto the table, knocking over Frasier's water glass]
Frasier: Oh, good lord! Oh, for God's sakes, you've spilled water all over me, you jackass! [hurriedly wipes his jacket and trousers down with his napkin, but it is now soaking wet] Just give me another napkin!
Niles: Ooh, napkin. Hello, napkin! [picks up another napkin and begins idly swinging it around] Napkin, napkin...
Frasier: [trying to grab the napkin out of Niles' hand] Give - give - give me that! [finally grabs the napkin and wipes himself down as Niles seems to fade from consciousness] Oh, Niles, wake up, wake up!
- Naturally, the three laureates arrive just as the brothers hit rock bottom; Frasier stands up to greet them and discovers the hard way that he has accidentally tucked the tablecloth into the front of his trousers while wiping up the spilled water, and he drags the entire contents of the table - including Niles - onto the floor. For his part, Niles, upon being introduced by Frasier, sneezes into his hand, then extends it up from where he has fallen to shake the laureates' hands (they understandably decline).
- Later that evening, Frasier reveals that the spectacle didn't end there; after the abortive lunch with the laureates, Niles did $1,000 in damage by knocking over the aquarium on his way out, leaving Frasier with a mental image of his brother sprawled across a bed of live koi and weeping as he tried to perform CPR on the plastic diver - an image that he says he will re-visit whenever he feels insecure about Niles' supposedly superior intellect.
- Niles has already taken two antihistamine tablets, but is still sneezing, so he takes another two tablets... only to sneeze them back into his hand before he swallows them. He thinks for a moment, then downs them again anyway. The second dose sends his brain into the stratosphere without him:
620: Dr. Nora
- Frasier hires another radio psychiatrist for the station based on her blatant flattery. Things take a turn for the worse during her first show, during which she proves to be a Holier Than Thou Slut Shamer, provoking a round of tit-for-tat with Frasier. Meanwhile, throughout the episode, Niles is trying to grow a mustache. Emphasis heavily on trying. Frasier doesn't notice, and Daphne just thinks he's got schmutz on his face.Niles: [Dr. Nora] even claimed I was the older brother. Of course, the mustache might have clouded her judgement.
Martin: ... she has a mustache?
- Martin approves of Dr. Nora's attitude toward sex. But the old man protests too much.Martin: In my day sex was something sacred and mysterious. These days you can't turn on the TV without this "oh-oh-ah-ah" stuff.
Frasier: That explains my $90 cable bill this month.
(Martin hides his face behind a magazine)
- The difference between where Frasier and Roz declare war. Frasier does it after Dr. Nora acts like a colossal wad... Roz...Frasier: (storming out) This means war! Right, Roz
Roz: (to Nora's producer) You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?
Nora's producer: Yeah.
Roz: Well, it's war!
- Daphne, hearing everyone talk about how Dr. Nora clearly has some issues with her mother, starts dropping some heavy hints that her own relationship with Mother Moon is strained. As in, she starts dreamily recounting scenarios of her mother dying, before cheerily snapping back to reality.Daphne: Yes, all sorts of things could've happened to a woman her age. A heart attack or a stroke.
Daphne: She could be hit by a bus as she's coming out of the pub... (getting caught up in her fantasy) Or fall asleep smoking a cigarette and burn to a crisp right there in her smelly bed! (Frasier and Roz look alarmed) Or she could fall off a ferry, and be pulled down under the water, the roar of the waves drowning out her cries for help, until no-one can hear her shrill voice, not ever again! (back to normal) Well, I'm all done with my darks.
- Eventually, Frasier (against the suggestion of Roz who wanted to do something more below the belt) brings in Dr Nora's mother, who despite acting friendly with Frasier, quickly shows her true colors when confronting her daughter...Mrs. Mulhearne: YOU LITTLE WHORE!!! (Frasier, Roz, Nora and her producer all drop their jaws in shock)
- The Stunt Casting makes it even better, since Nora's mother is played by Piper Laurie, an actress whose best-known role involves slut-shaming her daughter.Mrs. Mulhearne: So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!
Roz: (jumping for joy) I was wrong, Frasier. Your way is better!
623: Shutout in Seattle, Part 1
- Niles does not have a good morning, coming over to find Frasier's spent the night with Faye, and Martin's spent the night with Bonnie the waitress, while Donny is sleeping over with Daphne. The end result is Niles collapsing at the breakfast table.
- The beginning of the second act has Roz telling Frasier in a moment of desperation that she went out not with Noel, as is first hinted at, but with Bulldog.Frasier: Bulldog?
- Daphne's attempts to hide the fact she has lost Donny's engagement ring, culminating in her wearing a chicken over one hand.Frasier: You know, Daphne, if that ring never turns up, that chicken works too. Just see how it catches the light.
- Martin comes home just as Frasier is trying to call a missing Niles, whose cell has been left behind in Frasier's apartment. Cue a back-and-forth as neither Martin or Frasier realize they're speaking to one another.Martin: (answering Niles' phone) Hello?
Frasier: Yes, hello, is Niles Crane there, please?
Martin: Uh, I don't know, I just got here, uh... lemme go check.
(he puts the phone on the bookshelf and goes through to the kitchen)
Martin: Frasier, have you seen Niles?
Frasier: I'm just trying to reach him, Dad.
Martin: Oh, okay. (he heads back out to the front room) Uh, no, I'm sorry he's not here, but, uh, I'll write your name down and give it to him. (looks about) Uh... Uh, wait a minute, I gotta find a pen. (heads back to the kitchen) Fras, have you see-?
Frasier: Dad, please, I'm on the phone.
Martin: (annoyed) Well, I'm sorry, I was just looking for a pen! Forget it!
(Martin leaves again. Frasier, looking after him, starts to catch on)
Martin: Uh, hello? Listen, um, could you maybe call back in an hour?
Martin: (childishly imitating Frasier) Would you mind, please, I'm on the phone!
Frasier: Dad, it's me.
Martin: Frasier, what are you doing? (turns the phone off) Why'd you call from the kitchen? You could have just walked in here!
- Fearing the worst, that Niles has gone back to Maris, Frasier forces Martin to go with him over to the Montana.Frasier: For God's sakes, the man is devastated, he is vulnerable. We need to rally around him and show him our support.
Martin: Well, why didn't we just do this on Sunday?
Frasier: We had our girlfriends over!
624: Shutout in Seattle, Part 2
- As the second half of the episode opens, Roz reveals her thing with Bulldog's becoming a relationship, when Frasier invites her out to dinner:Roz: I have plans! Plans! What are you, a cop!? I've got to account for every waking moment?! My private life is my own business!
Frasier (aghast) Bulldog!
Roz: (tearing up) I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm weak, I can't stop myself!
Frasier: Yes, you can, Roz.
Roz: Okay, I don't wanna stop myself. He's good, he's really good. I mean, I'm better, but he's trainable.
Frasier: (horrified) Roz, it's Bulldog. Doesn't that bother you?
Roz: ... you'd think.
- To both Frasier and Roz's surprise, Bulldog turns out to be a romantic, even offering to take Roz out to dinner himself (and somewhere that does reservations).Roz: He's crossed the line, he actually thinks we're dating.
Frasier: Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things like dating?
- Frasier finds Daphne's engagement ring - in a very awkward way:Frasier: I was just undressing to take my bath, when I sat on the edge of the tub and landed... on this. [holds up the ring]
Daphne: [rushes over to Frasier] Oh my God, you found my ring! [hugging him] I'd given up, I thought it was some place I'd never find it!
Frasier: [drily] It very nearly was. [Martin laughs]
- Frasier borrowing some of Niles' Totally Radical slang.Frasier: Do you realise that this is the first time in recent history that all three Crane men have been in happy relationships? Maybe I should be celebrating that fact rather than being such a buzzkill.
Roz: What does that even mean?
Frasier: Oh, plug in, Roz.
- Niles dumping Kit the coffee girl in her workplace at Café Nervosa prompts a truly epic breakdown from her.