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Funny / Frank Zappa

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  • Absolutely Free:
    • "Duke of Prunes."
    And I know, I think, the love I have for you will never die . . . well, maybe.
    • "Call Any Vegetable."
    A prune isn't really a vegetable. CABBAGE is a vegetable.
  • "Harry, You're a Beast" from We're Only in It for the Money.
  • Speaking of We're Only in It for the Money, the spoken-word portion of "Who Needs the Peace Corps?" definitely qualifies, especially with Frank Zappa's absolutely deadpan recitation:
    Zappa: “I will ask the Chamber Of Commerce how to get to Haight Street. And smoke an awful lot of dope. I will wander around barefoot. I will have a psychedelic gleam in my eye at all times. I will love everyone. I will love the police as they kick the shit out of me on the street.
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  • "Let's Make The Water Turn Black"
  • The cover of Weasels Ripped My Flesh
  • "My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama"
  • "I'm the Slime" from Over-Nite Sensation, specifically the version featuring Don Pardo doing vocals.
  • "Dirty Love"
  • "Wind Up Workin' in a Gas Station" from Zoot Allures.
  • "The Torture Never Stops"
  • "I Have Been in You" from Sheik Yerbouti. Special bonus for the backing vocals simulating the unfortunate screams of the girl he's been in. The title pokes fun at Peter Frampton's 1977 album "I'm In You".
    • Even funnier is the version on You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 6. When Frank keeps saying in that funny voice, "I'm in you! I'm in you!" it's hard not to laugh.
  • "Dancin' Fool"
    • Zappa was nominated for several Grammy awards, but the only one he actually won was for Jazz From Hell, which although a fine album is hardly the greatest one he ever made — still, of all the wrongheaded Grammy nominations he had, the most deserved of them was for his wonderfully dumb-ass singing on "Dancin' Fool".
  • "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?"
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  • "The Illinois Enema Bandit" from Zappa in New York.
    Aw, the pitiful screams / Of all those college-educated women . . .
    And then the judge might say, "No poo-poo jokes."
  • "Broken Hearts Are For Assholes"
    Don't fool yourself girl, it's goin' right up your poop — chute — ayayayay
  • "Montana"
    I'm pluckin' the ol' Dennil Floss / That's growin' on the prairie / Pluckin' the floss! / I plucked all day an' all nite an' all Afternoon. . .
    • Bonus point: That's sung by Tina freaking Turner and the Ike-Ettes.
      • Also, on a more meta note, Ike's reaction when Tina excitedly played her hard work for him: he simply said "What is this shit?" and walked out. Of course, considering Ike's abusive treatment of Tina, this might have become... not so funny later.
  • "Teenage Prostitute"
  • "Zomby Woof"
  • The utterly insane backing vocals of "Be In My Video"
  • "Honey, Don't You Want A Man Like Me?"
    • The whole song is undoubtedly one of the funniest things Zappa ever wrote, but the version on Läther has a bonus crowning moment; during a brief pause in the song, a guy in the audience shouts "Fuck you, Zappa!" Without missing a beat, Zappa shouts back "And fuck you too, buddy, you know what I mean? Fuck you very much!"
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  • This gem of a zinger:
    Interviewer: "Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?"
    Frank Zappa: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"
  • Adrian Belew doing a hilariously accurate Bob Dylan imitation on "Flakes" from Sheik Yerbouti.
    • Not just that though, the whole song is hilarious. Especially these lines:
      Well our toilet went crazy yesterday afternoon
      The plumber he said never flush a tampoon.
      This great information cost me half a week's pay
      And the toilet blew up later on the next day-ay-ay.
  • The monologue at the start of "Cheepnis" from Roxy & Elsewhere, where he sings the praises of So Bad, It's Good movies in general, and It Conquered the World inparticular. Doubly funny for MSTies
  • The "Don't Eat The Yellow Snow Suite", which gets gradually funnier as it progresses.
    "Whereupon I proceeded to take that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
    Crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous
    Circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
    To take the place of the mudshark in your mythology
    Here it goes now, the circular motion, rub it!"
  • "Stink-Foot"
    You know, my python boot is too tight
    I couldn't get it off last night
    A week went by
    And now it's July
    I finally got it off, and my girlfriend cried
    You got STINK-FOOT!
  • Joe's Garage has a couple of these, including "A Token Of My Extreme".
    Joe: Oh, oh, oh, mystical adviser
    What is my problem, tell me, can you see?
    L. Ron Hoover: You have nothing to fear, my son
    You are a latent appliance fetishist, it appears to me.
    • This song is followed by "Stick It Out", in which Joe begs one of the aforementioned appliances to have wild sex with him. In German.
    • From the same album, “Catholic Girls” is loaded with hilarious asides, from Zappa nostalgically commenting upon the titular girls’ “tiny little mustache” to a random Brooklyn-accented guy shouting “She gave me VD” in the background. Overall, the song takes the Catholic School Girls Rule trope to its most hilariously blunt conclusion.
      “With a tongue like a cow, she can make you say wow!”
  • Look here, brother, who you jivin' with that Cosmik Debris!
    • Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Don't you know you could make more money as a butcher?
      • "BUT I GOT ZE KRISTL BOL!" ...he said, and held it to the light!
  • "There is no hell, there is only... France!"
  • The studio chatters that have made their way onto several albums are great little nuggets as well, some of which were even long enough to be separate tracks (see Sheik Yerbouti). Some other classic ones are sprinkled throughout the Shut Up 'n Play Yer Guitar trilogy, such as this gem:
    Terry Bozzio: It's gone!
    Patrick O'Hearn: What, your talent for sucking?
    Bozzio: I—
    O'Hearn: Never.
    • Another classic one on the trilogy is the one that gives "Beat It With Your Fist" its title. Listen to it here, and check this out if you need a transcript.
  • Scott Thunes' entire performance in the video of Does Humor Belong In Music?: mugging, flinging himself around the stage like a demented Muppet, generally making an idiot of himself. He doesn't sing or say anything, but he's one of the funniest things in the whole video. In "Bobby Brown Goes Down", on the line "Am I boy or a lady, I don't know which", Thunes walks over to Ray White and puts his hand on White's right pec with a puzzled expression as if he's unsure whether or not it's a boob. White's deadpan reaction is priceless.
  • "Rhymin' Man" from the album Broadway the Hard Way is a very hilarious Take That! at politician Jesse Jackson, especially since a lot of the rhymes are punctuated with snippets from appropriate pieces of music.
    Farrakhan made him a clown ("Entrance of the Gladiators" plays) over there near Hymie-Town! ("Havah Negilah" plays)
  • The live version of "Bobby Brown" from YCDTOSA Vol 3 in which Ike Willis starts interjecting "Hi-ho SIL-vaah!", causing everyone in the band, including Zappa himself, to corpse. What makes it even funnier is the sadistic glee with which Willis keeps doing it. The whole song almost grinds to a halt.
  • The intro to You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore Vol. 2, "Tush Tush Tush(A Token of My Extreme)". Squeak squeak squeak!