Final Fantasy VII is a very serious game about eco-terrorism. Now let's put the main character in a dress.
- By far the weirdest sequence in the game (or indeed in any Final Fantasy) is when Cloud decides to cross-dress as a hooker to seduce Don Corneo. To this day it's one of the best-remembered sequences in the game. There was some anxiety about it being too politically-incorrect to leave in the remake. But Square was like, nah, mate, now youve got a choice of what to wear.
- The whole scenario in Wall Market is ridiculous, from Aerith immediately suggesting that Cloud should crossdress, to a genuinely creepy moment where Cloud blacks out in the Honeybee Inn only to wake up and find a suspicious, half-naked slapping him across the face to bring him back to his senses, to the fact that the player can rig it so that Don Corneo chooses Cloud as his girl for the night.Don Corneo: ...this healthy-looking girl!
- Tifa and Aerith catch Cloud almost kissing the old perv. The dialogue before that is particularly funny:Don Corneo: Is there someone else?
Cloud: Yeah, there's this guy named Barret...
- Speaking of the Honeybee Inn, going in the topmost door takes you into the girls' dressing room. You typically just go in here to get Cloud some makeup for his disguise, but you can heckle the girls inside. The leftmost one keeps trying to ignore him, but eventually starts calling him "Pooch" to herself because he keeps stalking her.
- Made even better by Cloud's disguise being so convincing that Tifa jumps in surprise once she realizes it's Cloud in drag. Aerith is WAY too pleased with her handiwork.
- The threatening of Don Corneo's testicles.Tifa: And if you don't tell us...
Cloud: ...I'll chop them off.
Aerith: I'll rip them off.
Tifa: I'll smash them.
- If you dress up Cloud in the worst possible get-up, he's resigned to spending the night with a couple of Don Corneo's goons in a small, messy room. Said goons make sexual advances towards Cloud, which, using the game's low-polygon character models, consists of them slowly lurching towards Cloud like zombies.
- The whole scenario in Wall Market is ridiculous, from Aerith immediately suggesting that Cloud should crossdress, to a genuinely creepy moment where Cloud blacks out in the Honeybee Inn only to wake up and find a suspicious, half-naked slapping him across the face to bring him back to his senses, to the fact that the player can rig it so that Don Corneo chooses Cloud as his girl for the night.
- In a later tutorial, Cloud explains that since they care so much about the environment, if the player is carrying too many materia, they'll have to trash them... er, that is, give them back to the Planet.
- The play you're coerced to star in during the date scene, especially if you don't do what you're told (e.g. kiss the Evil Dragon King).
- If you mess up lines in the play... FLYING KICK!!!
- The part where Cloud is dressed up as a Shinra soldier for Rufus' welcoming parade, and the parade leader asks what they should finish the sequence with. He asks Cloud to tell them what to do. Cloud stands tall and spins his Shinra-issued rifle — with the music of the victory fan-fare, just like he does when he wins a battle. Everybody's like, "WOW!!" and "That's awesome!"
- From that point on in the game, the player will occasionally see Shinra soldiers practicing the finisher, with the victory fanfare playing every time!
- If Cloud does really, really bad in the parade...Unseen Shinra Exec: That was terrible! Send that soldier a bomb!
Game Message: Acquired Grenade!
- In Junon, the party discusses how to get up to the upper level, and it's mentioned that the only way to do so is scale a tower with a high voltage electricity risk. Their unanimous response? "Cloud should be OK then." "Yeah, good luck, Cloud!" "We're all counting on you, Cloud!" And then they all walk away, leaving Cloud stammering, "W-wait a minute!" If you talk to any of them immediately afterwards, they'll all completely ignore Cloud and chatter away among themselves. And when he finally reaches the boat after having to go through all kinds of silliness to keep his disguise as a Shinra soldier up, he can potentially find out from Red XIII that his companions realized there was an easier way in by just riding the dolphin to the dock.
- An often-bypassed scene (due to most people wanting to get the first Huge Materia, and hence not failing the first Submarine Mission) has Cloud and Co. stealing a separate submarine. The players are given a choice of either killing a dog or just subduing it. Subduing the pooch gives this line from Cloud:Cloud: Ok, dog, I'm gonna dognap you.
- Before that, Cloud and Co. return to dry land in Junon via riding a torpedo. The next scene has Mr. Dolphin (the one who helped the group reach the Airport) fish-slapping Cloud with his tail to wake him up.
- Cloud's jokes can be disarming for those who saw Advent Children or played Kingdom Hearts first and were introduced to his Flanderized, angsty attitude. An especially funny one comes when Cloud gives Yuffie advice on how to combat motion sickness, and he mentions that back when he was in SOLDIER they had to ride in trucks all the time and that "It sucked." Considering the events that immediately preceded this conversation, you wouldn't expect our hero to be in the mood for such a silly line, which makes it even funnier when it comes out of nowhere like that.
- Having Cloud in his flashback going through Tifa's drawers and taking her underwear will have present-day Tifa give Cloud a scolding. This becomes a Brick Joke much later on when Cloud confronts Sephiroth at the crater and tries to replay his memories from Nibelheim; Cloud recalls that he went through Tifa's drawers and stole her underwear if you made him do it in the flashback. (This proves to be quite the Mood Whiplash.)
- "All right, everyone. Let's mosey."Cid: Damn! Again!
- "VERMIN? Y'all Shinra're the VERMIN, killing the planet! And that makes you King VERMIN! So shu'up, jackass!" This was later referenced in Final Fantasy X-2: The boss of the Mi'hen Highroad fiend colony is called "King VERMIN!", and his beastiary entry is written in ebonics.
- Barret throwing Biggs at the screen during an argument with Cloud.
- Barret in a sailor uniform. He's twice as wide and quite a bit taller than any of the other sailors, but they don't seem to notice. His in-game polygon model also looks goofy as hell.Cloud: You look like a bear wearing a marshmallow.
- Barrett's barely-contained frustration at the party for goofing off at the Gold Saucer (a gaudy theme park built on top of the former mining town he's from). Aerith pushes him too far and he blows his top, before storming off and hopping into one of the cutesy entrance chutes in the lobby.
- Going on a date at the Gold Saucer with Barret. (Yes, it is possible, there's an FAQ at Gamefaqs dedicated to the date combos.) It's funny but bittersweet at the same time. He enters Cloud's room saying "I was jus' thinkin' of goin' for a walk." Cloud doesn't get to do the play because the ticket guy sees you two together and says something like "You are our 100th couple... oh wait." Throughout most of the gondola ride, Barret just talks about Marlene. It's amusing how the whole thing is not played for romance at all.
- Barret yelling "Shut up!" at the fireworks at the end of the date while firing his gun-arm at them.
- Another line from Barret when the group's leaving Midgar for the first time is an optional classic. If the player chooses to take Tifa and Aerith as your party members, he'll give Cloud an annoyed "Figured you'd do something like that."
- On the other hand, if the player choose to take Barret and Red XIII rather than the girls, they describe this choice as "Very..." "... interesting" (finishing each other's sentence when doing so), then saying "OK, have fun..." "... Boys!"
- Mythology Gag: In this one, when Cloud first met Aerith, she herself claimed that the flower only costs 1 Gil. In the Remake, she is annoyed with Cloud when he offers a paltry 2 Gil and then 5 Gil for a flower.
- When Cloud meets Aerith again in the Sector 7 church, she asks whether he remembers her, to which he can guess randomly, "You're the slum drunk". If you choose this option, she fires back, "Excuse me, but that's terribly rude!"
- Aerith's mistranslated line: "This guy are sick."
- Not simply insisting that Cloud should crossdress, but then mocking him and calling him "Miss Cloud" for going along with her plan. Seriously, her personality during the whole Midgar arc is pretty alarming if all the player knows about Aerith is her over-the-top, Too Good for This Sinful Earth persona from the spinoffs.
- In the beginning, you can make Cloud choose whether or not to order a drink from Tifa. The former option is "give me something hard." That's not innuendo at all.
- When Cloud and the others infiltrate the Shinra HQ, the player can choose whether to fight their way through the main entrance, or sneak up the staircase in the rear. If the player chooses to take the stairs, Barret constantly complains about the huge trek up the stairs, which causes Tifa to snap:Tifa: Would you stop acting like a retard and CLIMB?!
- After Cloud disappears from the party, Tifa is sentenced to a live-TV execution. Embarrassingly (for Shinra), Tifa escapes from the gas chamber and hurries across the cannon in Junon. The ever-inept Scarlet catches up and prepares to slap her. The player is then instructed to press O (or [OK], in the PC version) to slap Scarlet back. Having to participate in a bitch slapping contest between two women is just plain hilarious. Also, Tifa's first comeback is, "Quit slapping me, you old $*&^%!".note Yes, looks like Tifa learned a thing or two from Barret about cursing like a sailor.
- Later, when Tifa asks Cloud how he slept, he can remark on how he slept well because it was next to her. If the player chooses this, her response is an amusing, "I don't know what you mean."
- Tifa's Meteodrive limit break is a suplex which can be performed on literally any enemy, no matter the circumstances and no matter the size. Tifa can suplex The Midgar Zolom, Jenova, Safer Sephiroth, and even Emerald Weapon (while underwater).
- When he lets go of Hojo and first speaks to the party, Tifa gasps in surprise that he can talk.Red XIII: I'll talk as much as you want later, Miss.
- Cloud is told to perform CPR on the little girl Priscilla. At this point, each of the other characters in your party will decline to do it. If Red XIII is in the party:Red XIII: You know I can't.
- Red XIII's scene in Costa del Sol. He's found calmly playing with some kids and their soccer ball (although he pretends not to be, claiming it's just his tail "having a mind of its own, I can't control it")...but if the player feels like being particularly cruel, Cloud can kick the ball... right into Red's face. His response is to leap up and bark at Cloud, and if Cloud talks to him after that, he just growls.
- How about Red XIII in a stolen Shinra uniform (with his tail still sticking out), dancing around like a complete moron as he tries to keep his balance on two feet? The best part is that he's standing frontways, and it's only when Cloud talks to him and he says, "I think I pass for a human being perfectly well", he immediately turns around and the players first see the tail sticking out.
- Giving Red XIII the name "Nanaki", when you first encounter him, which makes it hilarious when the party visits Cosmo Canyon later in the game and is stunned that his real name is Nanaki.
- Most of the stuff that comes from Yuffie's mouth. Even your first encounter with her is hilarious. After fighting the "Mysterious Ninja" in the woods and besting her, you're left in a little glade where she's collapsed on the ground, breathing hard. Throughout the whole scene which follows, she does everything in her power to get you to let your guard down so she can steal your Materia, tries to impress you/brags about her greatness (insisting you must want her to join your party: "I know you want my help because I'm so good!"), and if you agree to let her join, ends up chasing you offscreen demanding you pay attention to her because you didn't even ask for her name. The best part? To get her to join (and NOT steal your Materia), you can't use the conspicuously-offered Save Point, or give any of the expected, logical answers in the conversation tree...and at the end, you basically win her over safely by ignoring her and walking away.
- [Shinra troops ambush the gang] "I didn't plan this one!"
- [Cloud deliberates what to do with a piece of Huge Materia] "Can I have it?"
- Not a Yuffie line, but if you get her to go on the date with Cloud, she awkwardly kisses him, to which he doesn't respond, resulting in these lines:Yuffie: Say something!
Cloud: ... something.
[A slapping sound is heard]
- Her exchange with her father Godo at the top of the Pagoda after a very emotional conversation about the state of the nation and her father's failure to protect Wutai in the war. He tells Yuffie to come back home alive, then waits until everyone else leaves the room... and then asks Yuffie if the party will be needing all their Materia after the final battle. His last words to her are, "Come back! With the Materia!" Like father, like daughter, eh?
- When meeting Vincent in the Shinra Mansion, you'll have to drop Sephiroth's name to get him to cooperate and actually speak with you. However, he'll refuse to speak about his past involvement with Sephiroth, prompting your active party members to respond with indignation. The only exception, as usual, is Yuffie.Yuffie: Oh that's okay. It was probably depressing anyway.
- [In response to Vincent's lament about Lucrecia] "Yawn, boring story #1."
- If you don't recruit her until Tifa is the leader of the party, in the first conversation with her, she calls Tifa "boobs."
- Yuffie's reaction if she's in the Underwater Reactor during the Huge Materia mission. When the group encounters Reno, he tells them to "Help load."Yuffie: I'm SURE! You want me to do manual labor?
- Heck, right before the final showdown she opts to not to join in the fight, then proceeds to bug out and claim that the Materia is "all hers".
- Sit your ass down in that chair and drink your goddamn TEA! ~ Cid Highwind
- At the Golden Saucer, one can choose to have someone share the gondola ride with Cloud. Most of the characters are amazed by the sights and sounds. If Cid is chosen, he just sleeps through the entire ride.
- Cid's flippancy if he's in the party when the Temple of the Ancients shrinks into the Black Materia. Standing on the ledge just before Cloud climbs down to get it, he gets out a cigarette, takes a drag, and comments on how great it is to have a smoke in a place like that! (Note that this comes immediately before a very disturbing scene involving Cloud and Aerith.)
- When Cloud is under Sephiroth's control and about to attack Aerith, the two other characters with you call out, "Cloud!" Except for Cid, who calls out, "Dumbass!"
- The launching of the rocket ship.Palmer: Hey-hey-hey! Almost lift off!
Cid: What the!? No countdown!? It just don't seem the same without it!
- Cait Sith's pet names for Heidegger and Scarlet, in reference to their trademark evil laughs: "Ol' Gyah-Hah-Hah and Kya-Ha-Ha."
- The party introduce themselves to Rufus:Rufus: Who are you?
Cloud: Cloud. Ex-SOLDIER First Class.
Barret: Barret, leader of AVALANCHE.
Tifa: Tifa, bartender.
Aerith: Aerith. flower-girl.
Red XIII: Red XIII, I was a research specimen.
Rufus: What a crew...
- The fight with Palmer. At the end, a Shinra truck steals your kill (sort of... he doesn't actually die). Plus he does the stupidest little dance during the battle, and occasionally taunts you by spanking his butt.
- One of the walkthroughs on GameFAQs summed up the Palmer fight perfectly:This isn't what you would consider to be a hard battle or anything. Not like the Materia Keeper or Gi Nattack, where you actually had to, you know, try. Fighting with Palmer is more like a personal challenge to see how long it takes to make the battlefield explode into a mess of butter and shrapnel. Palmer stands on one side of the screen, wiggling his fat body about in a presumed attempt to move, or perhaps communicate. Occasionally, he pulls out a gun and fires it at you. But since he went and ate all the bullets, thinking them to be Pez, the thing is running on a combination of materia and AAA batteries, and instead mimics the effects of Bolt 2, Fire 2 and Ice 2. But, he is susceptible to the effects of Stop, meaning that if you've got Seal Evil or some other equivalent on hand, he won't even be able to get an attack off. If you don't paralyze him, it's no big deal, but be warned that Palmer will periodically lean over and slap his ass in an attempt to be provocative, but ends up disgusting you more than anything. Kick his ass to high hell, unloading everything you've got onto the chubby guy. The only thing that will not affect him is gravity-based attacks, quite possibly because a body as large as his tends to produce a gravitational force far stronger than anything you could ever conjure up. Anyways, once you've hurt Palmer badly enough, the Tiny Bronco begins to move. Palmer will turn tail and hobble his fat ass along, trying to catch the vehicle that he is attempting to steal. At this point, the game rewards your patience by hitting Palmer with a truck. To add insult to said injury, your team steals his armor (the Edincoat) before leaving him to bleed rich and creamily.
- And before that, he asks for a cup of tea from Shera. And how does he take his tea, you might ask? With sugar, honey and lard.
- His first appearance in the game. "Rate Hike! Rate Hike! Tra la la!" Followed immediately by his crushed reaction as President Shinra declares "Reeve and Scarlet will divide the extra income from the rate increase."
- One of the walkthroughs on GameFAQs summed up the Palmer fight perfectly:
- When Red XIII and Aerith are released from the tank in Hojo's lab, Red's first instinct is to lunge at Hojo and start mauling him. It's rather cathartic to watch, but Hojo's deadpan reaction to it is funny as fuck."This is no ordinary specimen. This is a very ferocious specimen!"
- When Heidegger and Rufus make their appearance in Costa del Sol, keep an eye on one of the air traffic controllers in the background while the chopper lands: The guy in red just zooms off the screen inexplicably, and it's hard to tell if it was intentional or a glitch.
- Meanwhile, Hojo is chilling out on the beach surrounded by hoochies. And "getting a tan" as he puts it... while still wearing his labcoat.
- Hojo asks if Cloud wants to be his guinea pig. Next, if you talk to one of his hoes, she comments, "I'd be happy to be a guinea pig, if it's for Hojo." Though becomes Harsher in Hindsight (or black comedy, in a sense) when you learn Cloud WAS a guinea pig of Hojo's before and it's the cause of all his identity problems. Even worse, you also learn his own partner and wife/mother of his child (Lucrecia) AND unborn child (Sephiroth) were his guinea pigs.
- Near Gongaga, the group come across Reno and Rude of the Turks. Prior to this, they've been intimidating and badass... but here, while they aren't noticing Cloud and Co.'s presence at first, they're gossiping like teenagers about who has a crush on whom (Rude likes Tifa, not Elena, who likes Tseng, even though Tseng likes Aerith...) It gets funnier when Elena walks up beside Cloud and comments on how stupid they're being and insisting that she and Tseng's relationship isn't like that... only then to realize who it is she's talking to and alerts Reno and Rude to your presence.
- During boss battles, Rude's crush becomes hilariously obvious. He'll only target the other party members and only when they're KO'd will Rude start attacking Tifa. Even then, there's a good chance he won't attack at all or just use his Shoulder Slam.
- Another funny Elena moment is later in Icicle Inn, where she confronts the group about Tseng getting almost killed back in the Temple of the Ancients, and she attempts to punch Cloud. The outcome is funny either way: if he dodges, then she swings, misses, falls, and goes rolling out of Icicle Inn. If she decks him then he falls unconscious... and Elena promptly freaks out and feels guilty about this.
- The Turks again. Reno, Rude, and Elena are on vacation in Wutai, and refuse to fight as long as they're off duty. When Shinra troops try to get them to help track down Don Corneo, Reno turns the mission down and snaps, "Go away! Just looking at you is making me sober!"
- Reno's and Rude's defeat animations. Reno runs for his life, while in contrast, Rude looks down at his watch, then calmly walks away.
- Of all people, Sephiroth gets one when you meet him in Shinra Manor. Once he finally stops monologuing, he beans Cloud over the head with a materia like it was a baseball(?), then flies out like Superman (doubly amusing considering his future voice actor's other roles). And this is all with the Super-Deformed world-map graphics.
- Earlier in the Shinra Mansion, during a flashback to Sephiroth's breakdown, he says "I'm going to see my mother" and skips out of the room. He then proceeds to slaughter the entire town in about 15 seconds (or about the time it takes you to clamber out of the basement), which, while horrible, is stupifying when you think about it.
- Naming every playable character Sephiroth (the story will make hilariously little sense). Alternatively, in the PC version, modding it so all the playable characters' models are that of Sephiroth.
- It is possible for Safer Sephiroth's Supernova to miss. A sun turning into a red giant that should logically incinerate every organism on Earth can miss. Okay, maybe the Overly Long Fighting Animation is just imagery that Sephiroth plants into the targets' minds, but still, imaging witnessing a supernova up close and personal and somehow being completely safe. And even if it does hit, it's a Percent Damage Attack (current HP minus 15/16 of it per target, to be exact). The Sun going supernova can do a ton of damage, but it can never actually kill anyone.
- From a couple of NPCs in one of the many bars: "It sounds like there's something going on outside, but I'm too drunk to care."
- A Blink-and-You-Miss-It moment in Disc 1. When Elmyra is telling the crew about how she met Aerith, she tells the story of how she received a letter from her husband, saying he would return for a break from the war. She waited patiently for her husband every day at the train station. She sees couples reuniting. First, a young woman being twirled around by her lover. Then, out comes a fat man who jumps into the arms of his skinny wife, who promptly lifts and twirls him around without breaking a sweat.
- This counts as a possible mood dissonance considering what happens, but in the PC version of the game, if the player takes Vincent into the Forgotten City, his model begins spazzing out when Cloud confronts the praying Aerith, standing with his leg outstretched and his cloak hanging above him. After Aerith's death by Sephiroth's sword, it just gets worse as he appears to teabag Aerith, then walk towards Cloud with one leg pointing straight out, making him look like he's kicking Cloud in the crotch. C'mon. ("Sadly", the glitch was fixed in posterior releases.)
- Refuse to pay to stow away on the Cargo Ship to Junon.Sailor: Thank you. Come back anytime you feel like being stowaways on our ship.
- Although it's arguable, you HAVE to admit that the Sapphire Weapon's death scene is at least a little humorous. After firing its mouth-laser for the first time, it begins to build up energy for a second shot... only to get its head unceremoniously splattered by the Mako Cannon/Sister Ray. The Mako Cannon/Sister Ray, a barely-rotatable cannon which Sapphire Weapon sits STOCK-STILL IN FRONT OF as it's charging up a second mouth-laser; SO stock-still that you don't even see the cannon pivot before firing. There might as well be some comical Failure music playing right after its head gets blown off.
- The fact that the game will be ported to the Nintendo Switch. While mostly awesome, there's also the irony of VII initially being made on the PlayStation because of its use of discs, over the Nintendo 64 which still used cartridges with more limited space... and now being ported over to a Nintendo console which also uses cartridges.