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  • Upon being told that the curator of the Dwarf Bread Museum was killed with a piece of bread, Vimes asks if the killer made him eat it. Carrot is not amused.
  • One employee at the heraldry office says they want a new hippo for mating purposes, but Lord Vetinari says they already have two hippos and shouldn't need another. The problem with this is that the two hippos are named Roderick and Keith, with the employee quickly adding that he's not passing judgment on the idea of two male hippos having sex.
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  • When Nobby arrives at the heraldry office, the employees initially mistake him for a baboon they ordered. Then, upon learning of Nobby's noble lineage, they start fawning about how regal he supposedly looks.
  • When Ironcrust, an earlier victim of the three unlicensed thieves, thanks Carrot for stopping them, Carrot jovially says that he's just doing his duty for the taxpayers. Ironcrust shifts uncomfortably, as he doesn't pay taxes. Carrot picks up on this and says he'll be back later to help him fill out the forms. Ironcrust furiously tries to attack the thieves once Carrot leaves, raging about how this is their fault.
    • This gets a Brick Joke later on when Angua jokingly says to a citizen who has a complaint, "Makes you wonder why you pay your taxes, I expect."
    In some ways Igneous was a lot brighter than say, Mr. Ironcrust. He ignored the remark.
    • In another Brick Joke, an anti-Golem bigot who hasn't been paying taxes makes the mistake of complaining to Carrot that he has rights as a taxpayer. Carrot innocently comments that he's never seen that man's name on any tax forms and will be coming by to help him file some.
  • A bull's POV scene reveals that beef cattle believe good and deserving cows will be taken through a magic door and experience good eating and something about horseradish. This is true enough, just not in the way they think.
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  • When several conspiring nobles try to convince Nobby to become King, he cheerfully agrees about all of the qualities that a king needs while commenting that whoever gets the job will be a lucky man. One exasperated noble adds that a king would also need to recognize a hint that has just been dropped on his head from a great height (with the others hurriedly shushing him).
  • When the nobles discuss if they really want Nobby as a king, one of them says that comparing Nobby to a pig wallowing around in muck is unfair to pigs. Another conspirator says that Nobby's ugliness means that they won't have to worry about him getting married and siring heirs smarter than he is. A third man admits that he found one of Nobby's crude jokes to be funny.
  • During the hysteria that spreads from Golems being murder suspects, Mr. Sock kicks out Dorfl, saying he doesn't want a killer working at his slaughterhouse.
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  • Vimes manages to catch Vetinari off guard, when he's told that the religious leaders want to destroy Dorfl.
    'Nevertheless, Commander, I've had no less than nine missives from leading religious figures declaring that he is an abomination.'
    'Yes, sir. I've given that viewpoint a lot of thought, sir, and reached the following conclusion: arseholes to the lot of 'em, sir.'

    The Patrician's hand covered his mouth for a moment.
  • The minor Running Gag involving a dwarf officer constantly dealing with a vampire. The vampire worked in a pencil factory (where the owner, while carrying a box of pencils, tripped over the vampire's cloak), as a sunglasses tester, at a job that required dealing with holy water, etc., and kept complaining about being temporarily killed while also insisting he had the right to work wherever he pleased.
  • Those poor, idiot unlicensed thieves. First they try to rob a dwarf bakery that is across the street from Captain Carrot's favorite cafe (it doesn't help matters that dwarfish baked goods can often be used as deadly weapons—it ranks up there with trying to rob a gun store). Then they barge into the policeman's bar and take Angua hostage.
    • Not hard to guess why the Thieves' Guild wouldn't issue those dunderheads a license, is it?
  • Detritus has started a new Pub-Lic A-Ware-Ness Pro-Gram about dealing drugs. His demotivational posters are aimed at the pushers, not the users:
  • Angua's story about Mrs. Gammage at Biers. Mrs. Gammage is an old lady who has been drinking at the undead bar since before it was the undead bar, and never noticed the change. She was robbed once. The stolen goods were returned the next day and the thieves discovered to be mysteriously empty of blood.
    "You know, you get told a lot bad things about the undead, but you never hear about the marvelous work they do in the community."
  • There's a nice Acceptable Professional Targets Bait-and-Switch Comment when the guild leaders talk about everything Vetinari has done for the city.
    Mr. Potts: Life has certainly been more reliable under Vetinari.
    Mr. Boggis: He does have all street-theater players and mime artists thrown into the scorpion pit.
    Mr. Pots: True. But let's not forget that he has his bad points too.
  • When Mr. Slant points out there have been past proposals to revive the monarchy, Mr. Boggis says that all of the past proposals have been made by madmen.
    Boggis: It's part of the symptoms. Put underwear on head, talk to trees, drool, decide Ankh-Morpork needs a king...
  • Dorfl gets some decent chuckles due to his deadpan delivery, but he gets a CMoF after denying the existence of gods and then getting struck by lightning:
    "I Don't Call That Much Of An Argument."
    • Vimes' reaction to that is also good.
      He's not just an atheist, he's a ceramic atheist. Fireproof!
    • Also, from Vimes in the same scene:
      Priests: [Hiring Dorfl] is gross profanity and the worship of idols!
      Vimes: I don't worship him, I'm just employing him. And he's far from idle. (deep breath) And if it's gross profanity you're looking for—
    • Dorfl, confronted by the priests of Ankh-Morpork's various gods, states he is willing to let himself be subject to a test. Namely, the priests can smash him into the tiniest fragments and search him for a single atom of Life. But only if they allow one of their own to be subject to the same test. And Dorfl can be simply rebuilt.
      High Priest: We're on shaky ground here, lads...
    • Dorfl's parting words to the mob of various priests are that he'll debate the advocates of "The Most Worthy God" on his day off (and then indicates that he may be voluntarily forgoing taking days off). As he and Vimes walk away, a fight starts breaking out behind them...
  • The line after Dorfl has released the animals in the slaughterhouse district: 'The street was, as it were, coated with anxiety.'
  • When Vimes heard Cheery Littlebottom's name for the first time, his keeping professional, talking about the naming being "traditional" (as in Grumpy, Happy, ...), all the while avoiding the elephant in the room of the surname and trying not to snicker. Only exploding after everyone left the room.
    • With his coat over his head to make sure no one hears him!
  • Nobby's repeated proclamations that he can't become king, because Commander Vimes would "go spare!"
    "'d be able to have him executed if you wished!"
    "I couldn't do that!"
    "Why not?"
    "He'd go spare!"
    • Nobby ends up commenting that the room is getting a bit stuffy, and asking where the nearest window is... he then promptly jumps through it.
    • And that's how the nobles' plan to replace Vetinari with a puppet failed. Not through a heroic act, not through a cunning gambit, but because the intended puppet didn't want the job.
    • After observing Vimes at length in whole series, the reader may come to the conclusion that Nobby was being perfectly rational here.
  • Carrot and Vimes reacting to Cheery's numerous feminine additions to her ensemble being little more than variations of "Oh. Fine. Right."
  • Several dwarves get mad at a restaurant owner who hasn't been putting rat meat in their food. The man talks about how he only serves "good plump rats from the best locations. None of your latrine rubbish," and insists that his tables are so clean you could eat off them (with the clear implication that this is the exception and not the rule for tables in local restaurants). His rats are advertised as "hygienically prepared," which means that the cook washes his hands afterward.
    The assembled dwarfs nodded. That was certainly pretty hygienic You didn't want people going around with ratty hands.
  • The wording of the receipt that sets Dorfl free:
    "I Gerhardt Sock give the barer full and totarl ownorship of the Golem Dorfl in xchange for One Dolar and anythinge it doz now is his responisbility and nuthing to doe with me.
    Singed, Gerhardt Sock."
    • As Carrot puts it: "Interesting wording, but it does look legal, doesn't it?"
  • In the diverse cultural mix of Ankh-Morpork, the words with lost or non-translated meanings get a lot of laughs; to wit, the robbers fainting in the horror that their dwarfish victims have gotten allies and were now going to hang them by the Bura'zak-ka in punishment. Carrot makes it even scarier by admonishing them that they don't do things like that anymore in the modern city of Ankh-Morpork** .
  • This exchange:
    Vetinari: Commander, I always used to consider that you had a definite anti-authoritarian streak in you.
    Vimes: Sir?
    Vetinari: It seems that you have managed to retain this even though you are authority.
    Vimes: Sir?
    Vetinari: That's practically Zen.
  • Nobby gives the most epic Spit Take ever. A mouthful of brandy + a lit cigar = foom.
  • Vetinari seems to be trying not to laugh about Vimes punching Downey:note 
    Lord Vetinari glanced at a piece of paper. 'Did you really punch the president of the Assassins' Guild?'
    'Yes, sir.'
    Vetinari turned away abruptly.
  • After Carrot puts Dorfl's receipt in place of his chem, he falls backwards and begins sputtering. Carrot, worried the receipt might be harming Dorfl, moves to take it out. In less time than it takes to blink, his arm's being restrained by Dorfl's massive hand. Carrot wisely decides to stop.
  • Vetinari sees a dwarf in the dumbwaiter, right after Vimes mentioning that his dinner is on the way:
    There was a rattle from the dumbwaiter. Vimes walked across and opened the doors.
    There was a dwarf in the box. He had a knife between his teeth and an axe in each hand, and was glowering with ferocious concentration.
    “Good heavens,” said Vetinari weakly. “I hope at least they’ve included some mustard.”
    • Then after Vimes leaves, Vetinari - who has already worked out how he's being poisoned - thinks that Vimes had better work things out soon, or he'll have to start giving him clues.
  • Vimes mentioning that he should charge whoever tried to frame him with "Forcing Commander Vimes To Tip a Whole Bottle of Single Malt on to the Carpet".
  • When Carrot and Detritus bring in Dorfl to be rebuilt, Detritus helps to strong-arm Igneous, the troll in charge, into giving Dorfl a tongue by threatening to bring him in for Slab, doing a Fingertip Drug Analysis note  in the process. After Igneous agrees, Detritus suddenly realizes what he's just done:
    Detritus blinked at his finger, which was still white with the dust, and sidled over to Carrot. “Did I just lick dis?” he said.
    “Er, yes,” said Carrot.
    “T’ank goodness for dat,” said Detritus, blinking furiously. “’D hate to believe dis room was really full of giant hairy spide…weeble weeble sclup…”
    He hit the floor, but happily.
  • Vetinari and Vimes stoically discuss how a fire that "accidentally" started during the apprehension of the Big Bad destroyed all of the city's genealogical records. Vetinari insincerely praises Vimes for his heroic efforts to limit the spread of the fire. He then laments what a shame it is that Vimes couldn't save the records which all of the city's pompous and sleazy aristocrats need to prove their Blue Blood lineage. He then pauses and asks if he just saw Vimes smiling, something that Vimes quickly denies.
  • The Big Bad has snuck into tea-total Vimes' office to plant a bottle of very good whiskey where he will find it, and a bag of arsenic where he will not. Some city bigwigs have been given an anonymous tip off that Vimes is Up To Something and ask to search his office in the presence of Carrot. They find Vimes passed out at his desk, the office reeking of booze. They open a desk drawer and find a bag of white powder. Vimes "wakes" up and "defends himself" from the people breaking and entering his personal office and desk - the Master of Assassins receives a swiftly broken nose and has his fingers trapped in the rapidly-closed desk drawer.
    • With gleefully manic energy, Vimes then disproves the visitors' claims that he is drunk by reciting tongue twisters: "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper damn well picked! Do you want me to continue, it doesn't get much better!"
    • They then confront him with the bag full of the dangerous substance. Vimes declares that since he's been caught he must dispose of the evidence, and tips the contents of the bag straight into his mouth, to the horror of the bigwigs.
      Downey: But that's arsenic!
      Vimes: Really? Y'know, I've got a Dwarf downstairs, with all these chemicals and test tubes and things, and it'd take them a while to find out what this was, and you can tell just by looking? Amazing!
      [Carrot approaches diffidently and does a Fingertip Drug Analysis on the bag's remaining contents]
      Carrot: It's sugar.
      Downey: But you admitted it was a highly dangerous substance!
      Vimes: [Still chewing and spraying sugar everywhere] Right! You should see what too much of it does to your teeth!