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  • Vimes manages to catch Vetinari off guard, when he's told that the religious leaders want to destroy Dorfl.
    'Nevertheless, Commander, I've had no less than nine missives from leading religious figures declaring that he is an abomination.'
    'Yes, sir. I've given that viewpoint a lot of thought, sir, and reached the following conclusion: arseholes to the lot of 'em, sir.'

    The Patrician's hand covered his mouth for a moment.
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  • The minor Running Gag involving a dwarf officer constantly dealing with a vampire. The vampire worked in a pencil factory (where the owner, while carrying a box of pencils, tripped over the vampire's cloak), as a sunglasses tester, at a job that required dealing with holy water, etc., and kept complaining about being temporarily killed while also insisting he had the right to work wherever he pleased.
  • Those poor, idiot unlicensed thieves. First they try to rob a dwarf bakery that is across the street from Captain Carrot's favorite cafe (it doesn't help matters that dwarfish baked goods can often be used as deadly weapons—it ranks up there with trying to rob a gun store). Then they barge into the policeman's bar and take Angua hostage.
    • Not hard to guess why the Thieves' Guild wouldn't issue those dunderheads a license, is it?
  • Detritus has started a new Pub-Lic A-Ware-Ness Pro-Gram about dealing drugs. His demotivational posters are aimed at the pushers, not the users:
    SLAB: JUS' SAY
    'AARRGHAARRGHPLEASENNONONOUGH'.
  • Angua's story about Mrs. Gammage at Biers. Mrs. Gammage is an old lady who has been drinking at the undead bar since before it was the undead bar, and never noticed the change. She was robbed once. The stolen goods were returned the next day and the thieves discovered to be mysteriously empty of blood.
    "You know, you get told a lot bad things about the undead, but you never hear about the marvelous work they do in the community."
  • Dorfl gets some decent chuckles due to his deadpan delivery, but he gets a CMoF after denying the existence of gods and then getting struck by lightning:
    "I Don't Call That Much Of An Argument."
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    • Vimes' reaction to that is also good.
      He's not just an atheist, he's a ceramic atheist. Fireproof!
    • Also, from Vimes in the same scene:
      Priests: [Hiring Dorfl] is gross profanity and the worship of idols!
      Vimes: I don't worship him, I'm just employing him. And he's far from idle. (deep breath) And if it's gross profanity you're looking for—
    • Dorfl's parting words to the mob of various priests are that he'll debate the advocates of "The Most Worthy God" on his day off (and then indicates that he may be voluntarily forgoing taking days off). As he and Vimes walk away, a fight starts breaking out behind them...
  • The line after Dorfl has released the animals in the slaughterhouse district: 'The street was, as it were, coated with anxiety.'
  • When Vimes heard Cheery Littlebottom's name for the first time, his keeping professional, talking about the naming being "traditional" (as in Grumpy, Happy, ...), all the while avoiding the elephant in the room of the surname and trying not to snicker. Only exploding after everyone left the room.
    • With his coat over his head to make sure no one hears him!
  • Nobby's repeated proclamations that he can't become king, because Commander Vimes would "go spare!"
    "...you'd be able to have him executed if you wished!"
    "I couldn't do that!"
    "Why not?"
    "He'd go spare!"
    • Nobby ends up commenting that the room is getting a bit stuffy, and asking where the nearest window is... he then promptly jumps through it.
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    • And that's how the nobles' plan to replace Vetinari with a puppet failed. Not through a heroic act, not through a cunning gambit, but because the intended puppet didn't want the job.
    • After observing Vimes at length in whole series, the reader may come to the conclusion that Nobby was being perfectly rational here.
  • Carrot and Vimes reacting to Cheery's numerous feminine additions to her ensemble being little more than variations of "Oh. Fine. Right."
  • The wording of the receipt that sets Dorfl free:
    "I Gerhardt Sock give the barer full and totarl ownorship of the Golem Dorfl in xchange for One Dolar and anythinge it doz now is his responisbility and nuthing to doe with me.
    Singed, Gerhardt Sock."
    • As Carrot puts it: "Interesting wording, but it does look legal, doesn't it?"
  • In the diverse cultural mix of Ankh-Morpork, the words with lost or non-translated meanings get a lot of laughs; to wit, the robbers fainting in the horror that their dwarfish victims have gotten allies and were now going to hang them by the Bura'zak-ka in punishment. Carrot makes it even scarier by admonishing them that they don't do things like that anymore in the modern city of Ankh-Morpork** .
  • This exchange:
    Vetinari: Commander, I always used to consider that you had a definite anti-authoritarian streak in you.
    Vimes: Sir?
    Vetinari: It seems that you have managed to retain this even though you are authority.
    Vimes: Sir?
    Vetinari: That's practically Zen.
  • Nobby gives the most epic Spit Take ever. A mouthful of brandy + a lit cigar = foom.
  • Vetinari seems to be trying not to laugh about Vimes punching Downey:note 
    Lord Vetinari glanced at a piece of paper. 'Did you really punch the president of the Assassins' Guild?'
    'Yes, sir.'
    'Why?'
    Vetinari turned away abruptly.
  • After Carrot puts Dorfl's receipt in place of his chem, he falls backwards and begins sputtering. Carrot, worried the receipt might be harming Dorfl, moves to take it out. In less time than it takes to blink, his arm's being restrained by Dorfl's massive hand. Carrot wisely decides to stop.
  • Vetinari sees a dwarf in the dumbwaiter, right after Vimes mentioning that his dinner is on the way:
    There was a rattle from the dumbwaiter. Vimes walked across and opened the doors.
    There was a dwarf in the box. He had a knife between his teeth and an axe in each hand, and was glowering with ferocious concentration.
    “Good heavens,” said Vetinari weakly. “I hope at least they’ve included some mustard.”
    • Then after Vimes leaves, Vetinari - who has already worked out how he's being poisoned - thinks that Vimes had better work things out soon, or he'll have to start giving him clues.
  • Vimes mentioning that he should charge whoever tried to frame him with "Forcing Commander Vimes To Tip a Whole Bottle of Single Malt on to the Carpet".
  • When Carrot and Detritus bring in Dorfl to be rebuilt, Detritus helps to strong-arm Igneous, the troll in charge, into giving Dorfl a tongue by threatening to bring him in for Slab, doing a Fingertip Drug Analysis in the process. After Igneous agrees, Detritus suddenly realizes what he's just done:
    Detritus blinked at his finger, which was still white with the dust, and sidled over to Carrot. “Did I just lick dis?” he said.
    “Er, yes,” said Carrot.
    “T’ank goodness for dat,” said Detritus, blinking furiously. “’D hate to believe dis room was really full of giant hairy spide…weeble weeble sclup…”
    He hit the floor, but happily.

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