Funny / Fawlty Towers

"A Touch of Class"

• Basil kisses Sybil on the cheek to distract her:
  Sybil: What are you doing?
  Basil: I'm kissing you, dear.
  Sybil: (gives him a suspicious, confused look) Well, don't.
• Sybil nearly catches Basil taking a moment to relax with a tape of classical music, but at her approach he leaps to his feet and hurries to look like he's been hanging the picture.
  Sybil: You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.
  Basil: Racket?! That's Brahms! Brahms' Third Racket! (to himself) All morning? I've only had two bars.
• While Basil is hanging the picture, the phone at reception rings. Basil shouts for someone to answer it. Manuel is about to smilingly oblige before Basil shouts "Not you!" and Manuel quickly walks off.
• The way Basil shakes his fist at the flower pot at the end is especially funny.
• The running gag with the painting and Mr. Wareing trying to order his drinks coming together after the chaos is over. Fawlty, dejected that he's scared off his high class guests, finally tries to hang up Sybil's painting, only for Mr. Wareing to come in and loudly demand his drink. Basil snaps, smashes the picture on the floor, and frog-marches him back into the bar.
  Mr Wareing: A gin and orange, a lemon squash, and a scotch and water, PLEASE!

"The Builders"

• Basil gets tired of O'Reilly bringing up the Good Lord:
  O'Reilly: If the Good Lord-
  Basil: ...is mentioned once more I shall move you closer to him!
• Basil and Polly's argument about whose fault is O'Reilly's screw-up:
  Polly: You hired O'Reilly!
  Basil: Oh, I see, it's my fault, is it? Oh, of course. There I was thinking it was your fault because you'd been left in charge, or Manuel's for not waking you, and all the time, it was my fault! Oh, it so obvious now, I've seen the light! Well, I must be punished then, mustn't I? (Basil starts smacking his own backside) You're a naughty boy, Fawlty! (Basil starts hitting his head) Don't do it again!
  • Even before that:
    Polly: I fell asleep.
    Basil: You fell asleep?
    Polly: It's not my fault!
    Basil: You fell asleep and it's not your fault?!
    Polly: He forgot to wake me!
    Basil: Who forgot to wake you?!
    Polly: ...It is my fault.
    Basil: MANUEL! I KNEW IT! MANUEL!
• When Basil calls and says it's him, Manuel thinks he's someone asking to talk with Basil, and gets increasingly frustrated until he waves the phone around to demonstrate that Basil's not there. And then throws the phone over the counter in panic once he gets it.
• Basil instructing Manuel to insult one of the builders as petty revenge for Manuel taking so long to get he's the one calling.
  Manuel: Si, si, man with beard! (to the builders) Who is man with beard? (the builder with a beard walks over) Hid... Si...si... ag... Oh, ang, ang. Si, si comprando. Si, one moment please. (to the builder) You are a "hideous orangutang!" *PUNCH!!*
  Basil: Thank you Manuel, that will be all.
  • Manuel trying to greet them, and keeps pronouncing the name wrong.
  Manuel: You Orraly!
  Worker: You watch it!
  Worker (After another informs that he means O'Reilly): Yes, that's right. We are Orraly men! (under his breath) Thick as a plank...
• When Sybil freaks out and attacks O'Reilly with an umbrella.
  Sybil: You think I'm joking, don't you? (O'Reilly smiles)
  Basil: Oh no, don't smile. (turns away, covering his face)
  Sybil: Why are you smiling, Mr. O'Reilly?
  O'Reilly: Well, to be perfectly honest Mrs Fawlty, I like a woman with spirit.
  Sybil: Oh do you, is that what you like?
  O'Reilly: I do, I do!
  Sybil: Oh good. (hangs up her jacket and grabs an umbrella from the basket)
  Basil: Now Sybil, that's enou- (Sybil bats him away with the umbrella, then sets about O'Reilly with it)
  Sybil: Come on then, give us a smile!
• "I'll call O'Reilly, you go and see if the roof's still on." [...] (to O'Reilly) "Oh, up to your usual standard I suppose, a few holes in the floor, the odd door missing but nothing you can't be sued for!"
• "No, no, I don't want a debate about it, Mr. O'Reilly. If you're not over here in 20 minutes with my door, I shall come down there and insert a large garden gnome in you. Good day." And at the end of the episode, that's exactly what he leaves to do. "And then I might go to Canada..."
• When trying to get Manuel to understand that he’s looking for the boss, the gnome delivery guy uses the term Generalissimo. Manuel replies “In Madrid.”
  • The Catalonian dub is arguably funnier, since it aired ten years later, so the response was changed to “Dead.”
• It seems as though Basil has successfully strongarmed O'Reilly into actually doing a good job and made Sybil look foolish when Stubbs turns up to fix the door that's already been done. And then:
  Stubbs: What did you use? RSJ?
  Basil: No, no, no, four by two. Not bad, eh, dear, and not expensive.
  Stubbs: I mean for the lintel. Did you use an RSJ? You know, an iron girder. Or did you use a concrete lintel?
  Basil: Uh no, a wooden one.
  Stubbs: (looks up at it, aghast) But that's a supporting wall!
  Sybil: (looks up sharply) What.
  Basil: Quite, well thanks very much for coming over this morning...

"The Wedding Party"

• Sybil takes over:
  Basil (to Sybil) I fought in the Korean War, you know. I killed four men.
  Sybil: (to guests checking in) He was in the Catering Corps. He used to poison them.
• The entire 'batteries' scene. A guest named Alan Bruce wants to get some batteries for his electric razor, while Basil assumes he wants to buy condoms.
  Alan: I know it's a bit late, but do you know if there's a chemist still open?
  Basil: I beg your pardon?
  Alan: Do you know if there's a chemist still open?
  Basil: I suppose you think this is funny, do you?
  Alan: Funny?
  Basil: Ha, ha, ha.
  Alan: No, no. I really want to know.
  Basil: Oh, do you? Well, I don't. So far as I know, all the chemists are shut. You'll just have to wait till tomorrow. Sorry. (pause) Bit of a blow, I imagine.
  Alan: What?
  Basil: Nothing. You heard. Is that all?
  Alan: Well...
  Basil: Yes?
  Alan: I don't suppose you've got a couple...
  Basil: Now, look! Just don't push your luck! I have a breaking point, you know.
  Alan: I only want some batteries.
  Basil: I don't believe it.
  Alan: What?
  Basil: Batteries, eh? You know something? You disgust me. I know what people like you get up to, and I think it's disgusting!
  Alan: What are you talking about? I want some batteries for my electric razor. I want to shave!
  Basil: Oh, yes?
  Alan: Yes! I haven't shaved today. Look, see?
  Basil: Electric razor, eh?
  Alan: Right.
  Basil: Well, that's what I was referring to when I said it was disgusting. It is, of course, disgusting that you haven't shaved, but understandable. I mean, sometimes I don't shave either, and that's disgusting, too. So I shall have a razor sent up to your room straight away. Thank you so much, good night. (walks into the room behind the counter and Facepalms)
• Sybil's obnoxious laugh, for which Basil apologises.
  Basil: I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.
• This exchange:
  Basil: (pokes head into office) They're going!
  Sybil: What?
  Basil: They're going! (runs off)
• Basil's considerable discomfort with the French woman trying to seduce him.
  Mrs. Peignoir: Ah, feel that breeze! I shall sleep au naturel tonight.
  Basil: ...uh, good idea.
  Mrs. Peignoir: But it is not so much fun on your own.
  Basil: Oh, well, one can always pretend.
• Afterward, when talking to Sybil and hastily trying to explain who could be knocking at their door.
  Basil: Probably some key who forgot the guest to their door.
• A drunk Manuel comes back from his birthday party and tries to tell his boss, now prostrate on the floor in front of him having being stunned by Manuel's extravagant entrance, just how much he loves him. Mr Bruce walks into shot, sees the scene, stares into space for a while and then promptly walks out again.
  Sybil: (offscreen) Basil, I'm trying to read in here!
  Manuel: Since I come here from Spain, leaving my five mothers and four aunties- (Basil's hands reach around Manuel's throat and begin to throttle him).
• The next morning Manuel is trying to serve breakfast while horrendously hungover, bent double and groaning. Eventually he collapses to the floor, forcing Basil to retrieve a meal from his hand and then carry the poor man out of the dining room.
• The debacle over the room for the young couple.
  Guest: Has it got a breeze?
  Basil: Has it got a breeze?
  Guest: Is it airy?
  Basil: Well, there's air in it.
• Basil interrupts Polly kissing her gentleman friend and she awkwardly tries to introduce him.
  Basil: Yes? Single for the night, is it?
  Polly: Mr Fawlty, may I introduce Richard Turner.
  Basil: I'm sorry?
  Polly: He's a friend of mine.
  Basil: Oh you know each other, do you? Just passing through, are you?
  Polly: (hands Richard a book) There you go, see you tonight.
  Basil: Oh, we opened a library, have we? How nice. Please don't leave on my account, Mr Turnip.
• After getting a good look at one of Polly's risqué drawings (and cleavage), Basil picks up the phone and absent-mindedly says "Fawlty Titties".

"Hotel Inspectors"

• Mr. Hutchinson asks Basil if the hotel has a table tennis table. The reply is priceless (and was cited by John Cleese as a personal favourite line of his):
  Basil: Indeed we do. It is not in absolutely mint condition. But it certainly could be used in an emergency.
• Mr Hutchinson is mistakenly sent an omelette at dinner three times. On the third time Basil steps in.
  Basil: (picks up the omelette and pulls it in two) There. I've torn it up, you'll never see it again.
  • When he receives the omelette for the second time, Manuel declares defensively "Is nice!"
  • After Basil tears up the omelette, he puts it on the Major's table, who cheerfully starts eating it.
• Basil confronts Mr Hutchinson on learning he is a spoon merchant and not an inspector.
  Basil: (quietly) Spoons, eh?
  Mr Hutchinson: I beg your pardon?
  Basil: (leans in) S-(blows raspberry)-oons!
  • A confused Mr Hutchinson simply wipes the spittle off his face.
• When Basil declares to an astonished dining room that Mr Hutchinson passed out by pointing to his throat and saying "Bit of cheese", the Major pipes up with "Yes, please!"
• Having been knocked out by Basil, Mr Hutchinson visits Basil at the reception and proceeds to punch him to the floor.
  Basil: (gets up) That lie-down seems to have done you some good.
• The ending. Three suit-clad men walk in while discussing the hotel's features and their plans while staying there, just in time to see the fake hotel inspector getting two pies smashed into his face and groin, his briefcase filled with cream, and then being shoved out the front door. A beaming Basil walks back to the front desk and begins cheerfully welcoming the newcomers, only to realise they are actual hotel inspectors:
  Basil: Good afternoon, gentlemen. And what can I do today for you three gentlemen? (Beat) AAAAH-!!!!
  [Smash to the credits.]
• Basil uses flash cards to direct Manuel to take suitcases to room 7, and Manuel promptly uses one to say "OK". Cleese looks honestly surprised, too.
  Basil: He thinks 'boff' is a locale.
• Basil's bawling when he believes that he's blown it with a hotel inspector. Inelegant Blubbering doesn't even begin to describe it.

"Gourmet Night"

• The famous scene when Basil's car breaks down and he starts screaming hysterically at it before running off-screen, only to return to hit it with a tree branch repeatedly.
  "Right! That's it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing!"
  • The funniest part is when Basil gets in the car and goes crazy, he doesn't turn the key.
  • The UK company Corgi is well-known for its die-cast models of movie and TV cars. When it put out a model◊ of Basil's Austin 1100, of course the car had an accompanying figurine of Basil about to give it a good thrashing.
  • Word of God is that it took forever to find just the right kind of tree branch for the scene, too. One that was too strong would scratch and dent up the car, but Cleese decided that if the branch was, as he put it, 'floppy,' it would be so much funnier as he flailed away without causing any real damage.
  • The scene is also a Take That! to British Leyland, the manufacturer of the Austin 1100 that Basil hits with the branch.
  • The scene was remade in 2016, in an advert made for the British opticians Specsavers. The advert ends with the elderly Basil Fawlty, whose eyesight is failing, mistakenly giving the car of two policemen a thrashing instead of his own car, which leads to him having to run away from the police, with the slogan "Should've gone to Specsavers".
• Polly informing Basil that the chef is drunk:
  Polly: Mr. Fawlty, please put the bottle down.
  Basil: What is it?
  Polly: Please put the bottle down!
  Basil: What is it?!
  Polly: Kurt is drunk!
  (Basil promptly drops the bottle)
• Basil tells his wife that the chef is completely hammered on the evening of a very important dinner. Sybil expresses astonishment and incredulity.
  Basil: You're right. Maybe it's a dream.
  [Basil slams his head into the counter three times]
  Basil: ... Nope, it's not a dream, we're stuck with it.
• Sybil asks what Andre is making, leading to an extraordinary escalation:
  Basil: Duck.
  Sybil: Duck?
  Basil: Duck!
  Sybil: Duck?!
  Basil: You know, duck! (begins to hop up and down quacking, flapping his arms like wings)
• Basil's argument with Ronald Heath, a Bratty Half-Pint who complains that the chips are in the wrong shape:
  Basil: What shape do you usually have? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing craft shape? Poke in the eye shape?
  Ronald: God, you're dumb.
  Mrs. Heath: Oh, now!
  Basil: Is there something we can get you instead, Sonny?
  Ronald: I'd like some bread and salad cream.
  Basil: To eat? Well, there's the bread, and there's the mayonnaise.
  Ronald: I said, "Salad cream," stupid.
  Basil: We don't have any salad cream. The chef made this freshly this morning.
  Ronald: What a dump.
  Mr. Heath: This is very good.
  Mrs. Heath: He likes salad cream.
  Ronald: That's puke, that is.
  Basil: At least, it's fresh puke.
  • Before that: "These eggs look like you laid them."
• Basil confronts a drunken Kurt in the kitchen, who grabs Basil by the jaw and throws him right across the kitchen and back out of the door.
  Kurt: Manuel, he doesn't love me!
  Basil: Well, you have to give these things time!
  • Kurt finally passes out. Basil starts tapping his cheeks and using a coaxing voice to wake him up, thinking Kurt only had half a bottle and just needs black coffee. When Polly shows two more empty bottles in the sink, Basil snaps and starts to throttle Kurt instead.
• When one of the guests tells Polly that there is a hair in the mousse:
  Polly: Well don't talk too loud, everybody will want one!
  Guest: WHAT?!?!
• "Duck's off, sorry."
  • Immediately before that is a quintessential character moment for Basil, refusing to let go of the lie as long as there's a single shred of hope of maintaining it: He lifts the lid off the dish and finds not a duck but some kind of trifle. He stares at it for a second, slams the lid down, lifts it back up, looks around, looks back at the trifle and rakes through it with his hands as if there might be a duck in there he can give the guests.
    Basil: Well, er, who's for trifle?!

"The Germans"

• The beginning of the episode with Sybil in the hospital. Basil is trying to find Sybil's bed jacket.
  Basil: What have you got all this stuff for?
  Sybil: What?
  Basil: I mean, you're only here three days. Are you going to play charades every night?
• Basil tries to give orders to Manuel:
  Basil: Go get me a hammer.
  Manuel: Eh, cómo?
  Basil: Hammmer.
  Manuel: Hammer... oh, a hamma sandwich!
  Basil: Oh do I have to do this every time? A hammer!
  Manuel: My hamster?
  Basil: No, not your hamster! How can I knock a nail in with your hamster? Well I could try.
• The Major talking to Manuel, thinking he's the moose head. "How ah yoo, suh? I can speek Eenglish! I leehrn it from a booook."
  Major: Japanese, was it?
  Basil: ...Canadian I think, Major.
  Major: I didn't know Canadians were as clever as that! My God.
  Basil: He's started early...
• Practically any scene with The Major is hilarious, but he has one line that's so jaw-droppingly offensive, and delivered with such panache you can't help but die laughing. Such as his story about the time he took a girl to a cricket game:
  The Major: And the strange thing was throughout the morning she kept referring to the Indians as niggers. No, no, no, I said. niggers are the West Indians. These people are WOGS! No, no, no she said, all cricketers are niggers!
  • Then he got to the punchline: "I do wish I could remember her name. She's still got my wallet!"
  • The confused conversation that follows.
    Basil: As I was saying. No capacity for logical thought.
    The Major: Who?
    Basil: Women.
    The Major: Oh yes, yes. I thought you meant Indians!
    Basil: No, no. Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said they had minds like Swiss Cheese?
    The Major: What do you mean, hard?
    Basil: (beat) No, full of holes.
    The Major: Really? Indians?
    Basil: No, no, women!
    The Major: Oh.
• Basil argues that he needs to go back to the hotel after having a concussion:
  Basil: Polly cannot cope!
  Sybil: Well she can't fall over waiters or get herself jammed under desks or start burglar alarms or lock people in burning rooms or fire fire-extinguishers straight in her own face, but I should think the hotel could do without that sort of coping for a couple of days, what do you think Basil hmm?
• Concussed Basil and the German tourists produces some lines for the annals:
  Basil: Well, I'll just get your hors d'oeuvres...[German accent] Hors d'oeuvres... vich must be obeyed at all times vizout qvestion!
  • "Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it. So it's all forgotten now and let's hear no more about it. So that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Herb and Goering and four Colditz salads... no, wait a minute... I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning the war."
  • This exchange when Basil notices that the young German girl is crying.
    German Man: Will you stop talking about the war!
    Basil: Me?! You started it!
    German Man: We did not start it!
    Basil: Yes, you did, you invaded Poland!
  • Polly tries to stop Basil from imitating Hitler, to everybody's horror, Basil holds a finger underneath his nose and starts to shout in mock German anyway. She promptly makes herself scarce.
    Basil: Wait! Wait! I'll do the funny walk!
  • Basil puts his finger under his nose as a moustache despite having a real and quite full moustache already.
  • Then finally at the end of the episode, the Germans are standing in disbelief after watching Basil's antics and the oldest one remarks "However did they win?"
• "You speak German?" "Oh, German! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you!"
• The fire drill. While suffering from a case of Harsher in Hindsight after the real-life hotel burned to the ground, the scene is still one of the best scenes in the series. It starts with Basil setting off the burglar alarm while getting the key to the fire alarm, thus forcing everyone to believe the drill has begun; this leads to a debate over the time the drill is supposed to be and what the bell sounds like. Then Manuel starts a fire in the kitchen, and everybody else, including Basil, assumes it's only the drill, even after Basil sees a smouldering Manuel emerge from the kitchen.
  Basil: Is no fire! Is only bell!
  Manuel: IS FIRE! IS FIRE! IS FIRE! [Basil pushes him back into the flaming kitchen]
  • Also, Sybil's repeated phone calls to Basil while he's trying to put the moose's head up: "I was just doing it! I was just doing it you stupid woman! I just came over here to be reminded by you to do what I was already doing. I mean what is the bloody point of reminding me to do what I'm already doing, I'm doing it aren't I?"
    • The time Polly answers the phone:
    Polly: Hello, Fawlty Towers. Oh, hello Mrs. Fawlty—
    Basil: I'M DOING IT! I'M DOING IT! I'M DOING IT NOW! TELL HER I'M DOING IT NOW!
    Polly: Yes, he says he's doing it now. How's the nail?
    Basil: I wish it was this one. [Violently hammers the nail into the wall] There, tell the tyrant queen her cardies are safe forever. Mr Moose is up! It's done, done, done.
    Polly It's up. [it falls on Basil's head] It's down again.
  • "Would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?"
  • "I wish it was an ingrowing tongue."
  • When Basil finally manages to get the alarm working, then turned off, the phone rings. Basil quickly picks it back up, screams "WE'RE HAVING IT!" and slams the receiver down.
  • The Major repeatedly insisting there are burglars about.
  • Then when he realises the hotel is on fire and is trying to smash the glass over the fire alarm button, Sybil rings again!
    Basil: <picks up receiver> Hello?! <smashes glass with receiver> Thank you! <hangs up>
  • After Basil finally gets everyone clear about the fire drill and what the bell sounds like, he announces that they'll be holding the actual drill in a few seconds. Everyone just stays in the lobby staring at him:
    Basil: ... What are you doing? I mean, are you all just going to stand there?
    Male Guest: What do you suggest?
    Basil: Well, couldn't one or two of you go into the bar and a few into the dining room, I mean, use your imaginations?
    Female Guest: [Confrontational] Why?
    Basil: Well, this is supposed to be a fire drill!
    Male Guest: There's only a few seconds.
    Basil: ... Right, right, well stay where you are, because obviously if there was a fire, you'd all be standing around like this in the lobby, wouldn't you?! I don't know why we bother, we should let you all burn.
• Basil's snarky attitude towards Sybil's nurse. Gets even funnier when he's concussed and says right to her face that she's ugly.
  Basil: My God, you're ugly, aren't you?
  Sybil: Basil?
  Nurse: I'll get the doctor.
  Basil: You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.
• The episode ends with a deluded Basil running around his hotel from the doctors. Just as he thinks he has given them the slip, he gleefully claps his hands together and the moose falls on his head.

"Communication Problems"

• The whole episode is a series of hilarious lines and scenes:
  • Basil makes Mrs. Richards believe her hearing aid is turned down too low. And then screams in her ear once she turns it up. Sybil doesn't even try that hard to stop him, because she's fed up with her too.
  • Mrs. Richards hits her head, and Basil proceeds to pick up a random dust speck and asks, "Is this a piece of your brain?" (That joke wouldn't have made it in were it not for the efforts of Andrew Sachs.)
  • Basil tells Mrs. Richards that if she gives him any more trouble he'll sneak into her room in the small hours of the morning and stick a bat up her nightdress.
  • Basil tries to have a moment with Sybil.
    Basil: It's nice to share a moment like that, isn't it, dear. It's what marriage is all about. I know, I read it on the back of a matchbox.
    Sybil: You know, Basil, sometimes...
    Basil: (puts his hand around Sybil) Seriously, Sybil, do you remember when we were first...manacled together, we used to laugh quite a lot.
    Sybil: (takes his hands away) Yes but not at the same time, Basil.
• A room with a view:
  Basil Fawlty: That is Torquay, ma'am.
  Mrs. Richards: Well, it's not good enough.
  Basil Fawlty: Well, may I ask what you were expecting to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...
  Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly, I expected to be able to see the sea.
  Basil Fawlty: You can see the sea: it's over there between the land and the sky!
  • "No, the radio works. You don't. I'll see if I can fix it, you scabby old bat..."
  • Mrs. Richards first believes she doesn't have a bath in her room and still isn't happy when shown it:
    Mrs. Richards: You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful.
    Basil Fawlty: (mutters) I wish you were a mouse, I'd show you...
• "This is MINE!" (grins maniacally)
• Sybil suspects that Basil bet on a horse race:
  Sybil: If I find out the money on that horse was yours you know what I'll do Basil.
  Basil: You'll have to sew 'em back on first!
• The charade scene: Polly guessing 'small' when Basil pointed at his crotch and 'tart' when he pointed at Sybil.
• "I know nothing."
  • I'm going to sell you to a vivisectionist!
• "Oh, I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation, now please please try to understand before one of us dies."

"The Psychiatrist"

• Sybil is flirting outrageously with a male guest at reception who is collecting his messages.
  Sybil: Three? Everybody wants you, don't they?
  Mr Johnson: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
  Sybil: Well, you're only single once.
  Basil: Twice can be arranged.
• Sybil is boring Mr Johnson about her mother's phobias, one of which is men following her.
  Sybil: I don't know what's she thinks they're going to do to her. Vomit on her, Basil says.
• Basil is helping a young Australian woman check in. As he is showing the room he finds the bathroom light is not switching on and sticks his head in the bathroom to look. As they talk the woman starts stretching against the doorframe in front of the lightswitch. Without taking his head out of the bathroom, Basil reaches for the bathroom lightswitch and gropes the poor woman's breast just as Sybil walks in.
• The One Dialogue, Two Conversations scene between Basil and Dr. Abbott. Abbott asks Basil about holidays, and he thinks Abbott is asking about sex (because that's what psychiatrists are "all obsessed with").
  Dr. Abbott: We were just speculating how people in your profession arrange their holidays. How often you can get away. (Basil isn't listening)
  Basil: Hm?
  Dr. Abbott: How often do you manage it?
  Basil: Pardon?
  Dr. Abbott: How often can you and your wife manage it? You don't mind my asking?
  Basil: Not at all. Not at all. About average, since you asked.
  Mrs. Abbott: Average?
  Basil: Mm-hmm.
  Dr. Abbott: What would be average?
  Basil: Well, you tell me.
  Mrs. Abbott: Well, um, couple of times a year?
  Basil: What?
  Dr. Abbott: Once a year? Well, we knew it must be difficult. My wife didn't see how you could manage it at all.
  Basil: Well, as you've asked, two or three times a week, actually.
  Dr. Abbott: A week?
  Basil: Yes. Pretty normal, isn't it? We're quite normal down here in Torquay, you know?
• Basil is confused by the couple both being Dr Abbott ("Two doctors"). First Basil thinks that means the husband took "the exam twice" and then that the wife also being a doctor means they're "three doctors".
• The whole "take it easy" scene.
• Mrs Gatsby and Mrs Tibbs worriedly ask Basil if the psychiatrist has come for the Major. Later, after hearing one of the Major's trademark non-sequiturs, Basil wonders out loud if the psychiatrist really has come to get him.
• In one particularly daft attempt to prove that a guest has snuck a woman into his room, Basil attempts to peer in the window via a ladder to catch them, only to immediately find he's gone to the wrong window when he sees the titular psychiatrists getting ready for bed. Desperate to save face, he starts tapping the window as though testing the glass until he slowly topples backward and the ladder falls over.
  • Manuel runs back into the hotel for help and right into Sybil. Hilarity Ensues:
    Manuel: Mrs. Fawlty! Mrs. Fawlty! Mrs. Fawlty! Mr. Fawlty!
    Sybil: What?
    Manuel: He hurt! He fall off ladder!
    Sybil: (incredulous) Off a ladder?
    Manuel: Si, si, si, come come come come!
    Sybil: What was he doing up a ladder?
    Manuel: He try to see girl!
    Sybil: What.
    Manuel: He try to see in room to see girl, she make him crazy!
    Sybil: I see.
  • She proceeds to storm outside and find Basil trying to put the ladder back up before giving him a slap that knocks him straight back down.
• A blooper has Sybil slamming the door in her husband's face so hard that the entire wall moves (if you watch the episode, they intentionally zoom the camera on Basil so the wall is out of shot). Cleese does a double take and immediately begins "checking the joists".
• When Manuel tells Basil what he said to Sybil, Basil's Tranquil Fury finally gives way to picking up Manuel and shaking him violently.
• Basil finally stands up to Sybil and gives her what for:
  Basil: Shut up!... I had enough of you, you rancorous, coiffured old sow! Syringe the donuts out of your ears and get some sense into the dormant organ you keep hidden in that rat's maze of yours!
• The ending where Basil, after one mishap too many, just collapses into himself and starts hopping about with his arms over his head. The psychiatrist walks past him with the immortal line "I'm on holiday..."

"Waldorf Salad"

• Basil has no idea what a Waldorf salad is, and tries to hide it by claiming "I think we're just out of Waldorfs."
• The entire "screwdriver" conversation Basil has with the Hamiltons:
  Basil: I'll get you tonight's menu. Oh, er, would you care for a drink before your meal?
  Mr. Hamilton: Scotch and water and a screwdriver, please.
  Basil: (puzzled, but decides to roll with it) ...fine. Um — and for you, madam?
  Mrs. Hamilton: The screwdriver's for me.
  Basil: I see... Would you like it now, or after the meal?
  Mrs. Hamilton: Well, now, please!
  Basil: ...There's nothing I can put right?
  Mrs. Hamilton: What?
  Basil: (gives up, smiling widely) Absolutely. So it's one scotch, and a screwdriver! (turns to leave for the kitchen)
  Mr. Hamilton: I think I'll join you. (calls to Basil) Make that two screwdrivers, would you?
  Basil: (stops, takes a long pause and then) You — you'd like a screwdriver, as well.
  Mr. Hamilton: You got it.
  Basil: So, it's one scotch, and you each need a screwdriver.
  Mr. Hamilton: No, no, no, no. Forget the scotch. Two screwdrivers.
  Basil: I understand, and you'll... leave the drinks.
  Mr. Hamilton: What?
  Basil: Nothing to drink?
  Mr. Hamilton: What do you mean, 'Nothing to drink'?
  Basil: Well, you can't drink your screwdrivers, can you? (chuckles)
  Mr. Hamilton: What else would you suggest that we do with them?
  Mrs. Hamilton: (seeing the misunderstanding) Vodka and orange juice.
  Basil: Ah! Certainly, madam!
  Mr. Hamilton: (deadpan) Make that two and forget about the screwdrivers.
  Basil: ...You sure?
  Mr. Hamilton: We can manage without 'em.
• Basil flinging vegetables around the kitchen, while hunting for the ingredients for a Waldorf salad. In the same scene:
  Sybil: Now, we've got apples.
  Basil: Oh, terrific. We'll celebrate, we'll have an apple party. Everyone brings his own apple and stuffs it down somebody's throat.
  Sybil: Basil, I will find everything, just go and get a bottle of Volnay.
  Basil: What is a Waldorf anyway, a walnut that's gone orf?!
• Basil tries to expel the customers.
  Basil: This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... ARSE I have to put up with from you people! You ponce in here, expecting to be handwaited on hand and foot while I'm trying to run a hotel here! Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not! You're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well, let me tell you something—this is exactly how Nazi-Germany started! A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble! Well, I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough! I've had it! Come on, pack your bags and get out! RAUS! RAUS! RAUS!
• After Basil has had a major freak-out and stormed out of the hotel because of the customers' (admittedly reasonable) demands and complaints, he changes his mind and goes back in.
  Sybil: What do you want, Basil?
  Basil: (extremely cheery)' A room, please. Umm, number twelve is free, I think. Now, I'd like breakfast in bed at half past ten in the morning, please - that's eggs, bacon, sausage and tomato, with a Waldorf salad. I'll wash down with lashings of hot screwdriver... (fade out as episode ends)

"The Kipper and the Corpse"

• Basil's maniac speech about why he didn't realize that the guest was already dead when he brought him breakfast:
  Doctor: Do you mean to tell me you didn't realise this man was dead?
  Basil: Well, people don't talk that much in the morning! Look, I'm just delivering a tray, right? I mean, if the guest isn't singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning", I don't immediately think 'oh, there's another one snuffed it in the night'?! Another name in the Fawlty Towers book of remembrance! I mean, this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway! Well, I mean, it does actually say hotel outside, or perhaps I should be more specific! Hotel for people who have a better than 50% chance of making it through the night! What?! What are you looking at me like that for!
  Sybil: Basil... there's a kipper sticking out of your jumper.
  Basil:...Ah, there it is! I've been looking for that!
  • And of course, the "Oh joy! Oh thank you God! Oh, I'm so happy! Hooray!" part.
• "Oh spiffing. Absolutely spiffing. Two dead, twenty five to go."
• "Have you locked this?" "Only slightly!"
• Basil's Sarcastic Confession:
  Mrs. Gatsby: You're very cheerful this morning, Mr. Fawlty!
  Basil: Yes, well, one of the guests has just died.
  Mrs. Gatsby: (laughs) Oh, you are wicked!
• Mr. Leeman's colleagues come to get him, and Basil mistakes him for the undertakers:
  Leeman's work colleague: "What's he doing in there (the washing basket)?"
  Basil, oblivious: "Well, not much."
• Polly's last-minute save:
  Basil, post-realisation: "Oh! Oh, I see. Mr. Leeman!"
  Polly: "We thought you said, 'the linen!'"
• "Look, I'm a doctor! I'm a doctor and I want my sausages!"
• "Manuel, let me explain". (Eye Poke)
• "But anything could have happened!" "Well, he was dead, dear.""A man is a man, Mrs. Fawlty!" "Oh, I know".

"The Anniversary"

• Manuel's off-screen feud with Terry during Basil and Sybil's anniversary. Culminates in a brief shot of them throttling each other on the kitchen floor.
• "It's perfectly Sybil! Simple's not well! She's lost her throat and her voice hurts. The doctor came this morning and said it was a bit serious, not a lot, a bit, she started to puff up, he's coming back later this afternoon and it's best for her to be on her own! Now what is so peculiar about that?" "Her driving around in the town."
  • "I'll just pop upstairs and ask her to stop dying, and you can all come up and identify her!"
• As Basil and the guests are coming back downstairs, Sybil comes back in to get her golf clubs. After he realises who just showed up, Basil pretends that she's a woman that he met at a fete (a lie he told earlier to explain away how one of the guests saw Sybil driving around), and escorts her into the kitchen, where he shuts her in a cabinet.

"Basil the Rat"

• "Would you care for a rat?"
  • Sybil tries to change the subject as Manuel drags the unconscious Basil from the room. "I'm afraid it's started to rain again..."
  • From the same episode, Basil finding out that Manuel has a rat.
    Basil: You have rats in Spain, don't you, or did Franco have them all shot?
• The rat ends up in the hotel bar with the Major. The Major quickly walks out of the bar and returns, walking past Basil and carrying a shotgun, who pauses as if he didn't quite believe what he saw.
  • When the Major explains why he is stalking an empty hotel bar with a shotgun to Basil they have One Dialogue, Two Conversations.
    Basil: Do you need any help, Major?
    Major: Don't move! Vermin.
    Basil: (rolls his eyes) We haven't got any, this week, Major.
    Major: Hmm?
    Basil: No Germans staying this week, Major. May I have that? (reaches for the gun)
    Major: Goin' to shoot him, Fawlty.
    Basil: Yes, Major?
    Major: Hmm?
    Basil: Not- not legal actually, any more, murder.
    Major: But they're animals, Fawlty!
    Basil: Oh, yes, yes. Still, forgive and forget, eh?
    Major: Forgive 'em?
    Basil: Well, pretend we do.
  • When the penny finally drops, Basil tells the Major to stay and watch out for the rat. The following scene with the public health inspector talking to Basil at the lobby is violently interrupted by the deafening sound of two gunshot blasts.
    Carnegie: What was that?!
    Basil: Bloody television exploding again!
  • As they all rush into the bar, Basil is wrestling the gun from the Major, who has to stop the old fool talking too much about his quarry by kneeing the Major in the groin. The poor man wears a suitably pained expression for the rest of the scene.
  • Later, the Major and Basil try to get their stories straight:
    Basil: You were shooting a starling.
    The Major: A starling.
    Basil: Yes.
    The Major: Through the window.
    Basil: Right.
    The Major: But, Fawlty, how did the starling get in the bar?
    Basil: No, no, you were in the bar.
    The Major: I was in the bar?
    Basil: Yes!
    The Major: So I was!
    Basil: The starling was in the garden, and the rat was nowhere at all!
    The Major: Well, I didn't see him.
    Basil: (exasperated) Say goodnight to the folks, Gracie.
  • Later, in the dining room, when the Major finds out the man is an health inspector he blurts out "Ah so you're the rat inspector!", causing Basil to nearly implode in panic.
• "We're about to take the life of a public health inspector and you want to know how's the cat?! It's gone to London to see the Queen!"
• "HE PUT BASIL IN THE RATATOUILLE!?!" Even better is Sybil's reaction, to simply assure the inspector that "He's from Barcelona..." Even better, this is the only time in the series that Sybil says the line. You can tell from the audience's reaction that they'd been waiting a while for it.
• Basil: (bursts into the room shouting) That's the poison one, the cat had it!
  Sybil: (as Basil is leaving without paying any attention to her) Poison? Basil-?
• Sybil's crowning moment of snark probably comes when Basil is attempting to cheer up Manuel when he's acting depressed over losing his pet "hamster":
  Basil: Manuel, my wife informs me that you are "depressed". Now depression is a very bad thing. It's like a virus, it gets inside of you and one day you wake up and you just can't face life any more!
  Sybil: Then you open a hotel.
• An Ask a Stupid Question... moment between Basil and Sybil:
  Sybil: Did you put the lid back on the tank, Basil?
  Basil: Yes, that's why I've been on the roof the last 20 minutes dear.
  Sybil: And you took the pigeons out?
  Basil: No I left them in, they're nearly done.
• "Can't we get you on Mastermind Sybil? 'Next contestant, Sybil Fawlty from Torquay, specialist subject: the bleeding obvious'?"
• A blooper:
  Manuel [Andrew Sachs]: Is pigeon!
  Basil: It's a rat!
  Manuel: [Out of character, realising he's flubbed his line] No, it's not a pigeon; it's a hamster.
  [Sachs grins sheepishly, and Cleese, still in character, stares dumbstruck into the camera after hearing "Manuel" properly speak a full sentence in English]

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