- When Rin summons Archer, an invincible heroic spirit from beyond time and space, and then reveals his first task as her Servant.Rin: Clean up the room downstairs, please. You made that mess, so be responsible and clean the place up.
Archer: Understood. Damn you, master.
- It gets better, the screen literally goes monochrome during that scene.
- When Archer faces against Lancer:Rin: Servant… Lancer.
Lancer: That's right. And your servant is Saber… Or maybe not. Who the hell are you?
- At the beginning of the game:Shirou: According to Father, "the old man's like a yakuza boss." Of course, this is just prejudice. He's not like a yakuza boss, he is a yakuza boss.
- To go to the church covertly, Saber wears a giant yellow raincoat to blend in. Because a mustard raincoat twice her size is inconspicuous.
- Saber trolls Lancer when the latter asks of her Noble Phantasm if it's a sword.Saber: Maybe, maybe not. It could be an axe. Or not. Maybe I have something completely different. Like a bow.
Lancer: Get real, Saber!
- During the same fight, Saber figures out who Lancer is approximately seconds after he calls the name of his Noble Phantasm and spear, Gae Bolg. This being the second time he has been identified easily, Lancer remarks that there is such a thing as being too famous. This also serves as the reason why Saber is using her own weapon in invisible mode, as is apparent by the reveal of her true name.
- During Fate, Taiga is slow to accept Saber's living in the Emiya household as (she thinks) a Pretty Freeloader who's out for Shirou, and so challenges her to a sword duel. While Taiga is a fifth-dan kendo champion, Saber in her lifetime literally lived and died by the sword, and is good enough to disarm Taiga almost instantly. Taiga degenerates into sobs and cries of "SOME STRANGER TOOK SHIROU AWAY...!"
- While training in the dojo with Saber, have Shirou ask if she can teach him a "super move that can beat a Servant in one shot". The air immediately goes cold and dead, and Shirou gets one more reminder that a girl is scariest when she's smiling…
- After a kidnapped Shirou unties himself and is about to break out Illya's room, he hears someone approaching — actually Saber — and he's giving three choices. If he picks to attack they basically crash on each other. If he pretends to be still caught Saber will commend him on his wits, only for the internal monologue to reveal he had no idea what to do. The third option has him hiding under a bed, only for the music to immediately change to the comedic tune, and Saber telling him to get out of it while looking at him incredulously for coming up with such a childish plan.
- Episode 12 of the anime is about Shirou getting serious about the War and seeking out Shinji so he can stop him. Then Rin asks him if he feels confident about his chances of success.Rin: "I'll go up against a master and servant and see how it goes". If you say that, I will laugh in your face.
Rin: [proceeds to laugh in his face, with a smug/haughty look on her own]
- Try telling Saber that you're fasting. Her reaction is brilliant. She resumes sparring with Shirou, this time fully armored, and beats the hell out of him. You even get a fake Tiger Dojo!Shirou: [timidly] …Saber, you're actually really mad, right?
Saber: Of course not. Do I look any different?
Shirou: You're completely different!!!
- Saber's reaction to Shirou wanting to take her out on a date is side-splittingly hilarious.
- Rin's impression of Merlin during her discussion with Shirou about the King Arthur legend. She mimics the voice of an old man hilariously in the Updated Re-release. Hilarious in Hindsight because years later Fate/Grand Order would reveal Merlin to be a perpetually youthful half-incubus.
- Tiger Dojo 11, reached by choosing not to stand up, thereby knowingly and obviously accepting defeat at the hands of Gilgamesh.
- In Tiger Dojo 13, (after Saber kills Shirou), Taiga and Ilya are happy to finally be able to give useful advise on how to avoid the bad end… until Ilya points out that this dojo was so difficult to find that any players who came to it were probably trying to get there in the first place.Taiga: Oh, this feels so good! I finally fulfilled my reason to exist!
Ilya: Yes, I can finally be proud of myself…! …Oh. But Taiga. Most people passed the Saber affection score check, right?
Taiga: Yeah, Shirou isn't the type to ignore Saber-chan. You normally wouldn't end up like this.
Ilya: …Taiga. Um, it's really hard to say this. But if it's that rare, wouldn't that mean not many people would come to this dojo…?
Taiga: Oh. I-It's probably all right. The skip function and the Tiger Stamps are intended just for this. Everyone will probably desperately play in strange ways to get to this dojo.
Ilya: ...Yeah. By that point, everyone will hate this bad end with its weird conditions. So in other words, your dojo that tries to make everyone happy is actually something that troubles players trying to fully complete the game.
Taiga: I-identity crisis! [cue random explosion]
Ilya: ...?! Man, explosion endings are the worst...!
- Lancer, when he's about to face off with Gilgamesh because they decided to betray each other at the same time, Saber takes him aside to tell him his opponent's real identity. Lancer's reaction is to cross his arms and say something to the effect of "Well, shit. That's just my luck." Then he goes and fights him to the death anyway.
- When Shinji has activated the Bloodfort and Shirou is trying to stop him, Shirou chokes Shinji to threaten him to stop. Shinji tries to bs him saying that Shirou hasn't kill anyone yet, this is Shirou's response
- In the fake Tiger Dojo, Taiga and Ilya decide to turn Shirou into a robot with gatling gun hands, and demand that he join them or be brainwashed. Shirou proceeds to shoot them with his gatling gun arms.
- In Tiger Dojo 9, Ilya rubs in the fact that Saber going after Caster recklessly got Shirou killed… while Super-Deformed Saber is behind her in her own Corner of Woe. In the end, Saber's response is to ride a full grown lion and attack Ilya and Taiga.
- Let's face it - most of the Tiger Dojos are hilarious.
- When Shirou takes Saber out for their date with Rin, who at this point has already laughed hysterically in his face at the idea, she decides to throw just one last bit of snark his way as they leave. This prompts Shirou to finally fire back and he flips her off as they depart.
- In general this route was hilarious due to Shirou being at his snarkiest and well Rin.
- When Shirou lets Taiga cook, he finds out that it was a horrible mistake. Even Saber finds it hard for her to eat. Saber decides to teach Shirou a lesson during training, with her armor.
- Early on, before Saber and Shirou have finished hammering out their living arrangements, Shirou gets called into school to deliver something to Taiga. Too nervous due to her presence to explain why he doesn't want a strange beautiful foreign girl following him to school, he just tells Saber to stay behind… and she refuses, and just wordlessly follows him. Eventually, after several more flustered orders, she says that unless she gets a real reason, she simply must assume it's not truly an order from her Master, and thus she cannot properly tell what he is saying. Yes, in case you're wondering, the ancient and dignified spirit of power and nobility did just excuse her disobedience with the equivalent of "Lalalalala, I can't hear you!"
- When it's established that Rin is going to live at the Emiya house, though no one tells Taiga at first. Instead, she walks in that night, greets Shirou, greets Rin, goes into the kitchen...and does an honest-to-god delayed Double Take lasting four seconds (and five sprite changes) before screaming.Taiga: WAIT, WHY IS TOHSAKA HERE?!
- Saber's appetite is used for comedy gold again. There's a scene where Shirou asks her what kind of food she likes, and she proudly (and adorably) claims that she has no weaknesses when it comes to food as long as it is well-prepared. So Shirou asks her what the chefs in her life were like to make her like this… and the world turns gray, with Saber letting off a wave of killing intent as she remembers how sub-par the cooking was in her time. Seriously: Don't screw with the girl's food.
- This incredibly mature and serious exchange between Archer and Shirou, made all the more funnier after finishing the route:Shirou: Hey! Put me down, you jerk! What are you thinking?!
Archer: Hell if I know! When you say that, your excessive stupidity hurts my head, you idiot!
Shirou: Idiot?! You know, you're the idiot around here, and you call me an idiot?! Well, that makes you even more of an idiot, idiot!
Archer: What are you, a brat, now? I can no longer deal with an idiot and brat like you. At least decide on one, numbskull!
Shirou: What did you say to me?!
- Rin wants to coordinate with Shirou during school hours, but she can't be seen approaching him directly because she's the School Idol. Solution: Walking back and forth outside Shirou's classroom in an incredibly suspicious manner and making Shirou's classmates think she's planning to murder someone. If Shirou decides to confront her about it she lets her mask slip in full view of the rest of the school, who all immediately suffer Selective Obliviousness about it.
- Shirou's inventive way to see if Issei is a Master. Just check for the command spell… by locking the student council's door and demanding he strip naked! And then stripping him himself when he wouldn't. Subtle, Emiya.
- The best part is, this really is the only way to tell without triggering the conditional hypnosis Caster put on Issei. She never anticipated Shirou doing… that. No one could.
- No the best part is Shirou not realizing that assaulting and stripping your best friend is not okay. His narration makes that clear, but he doesn't understand why Rin is giving him odd looks now.
- During the date, Shirou is forced to play 5 rounds in the batting cages because Saber is a sore loser.
- Rin and Shirou are meeting up with Ilya, and have to pass through her boundary field. The field mildly shocks Shirou in acknowledgement. Then Rin tries to pass through it…Shirou: Oh. Be careful though. It'll shock you a bit.
Rin: I know, I know. I can tell how bad it is by looking at you - UKYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Shirou: … I guess there's personal differences in the alarm. It was light in my case.
Rin: [not listening] That does it, kid!… I heard you laughing!…
- The scene when Lancer shows up and Rin and Shirou start arguing about who's supposed to fight and who's supposed to run away. Their argument gets so intense that they focus more calling out each others' bickering with each. Their argument gets so intense that they forgot when they started in the first place, until they calm down and remember that Lancer was there, whom just stood by and watched.
- It may be too soon after "You're strong, Berserker", but the scene afterward when Lancer offers to help Shirou and Rin get past Archer offers you three options: "All right", "I refuse", and the best option, "I don't mind, but under one condition." Dutifully entitled "Rin-sama Embarrassed and Angry":Shirou: All right, I'll believe you. But it'll be under one condition. I'll accept your help in defeating Caster, and we'll trust you. But-
Lancer: But what? You want me to tell you who my Master is?
Shirou: No. Even though we're cooperating, stay away from Tohsaka.
Music cuts out, Rin starts blushing.
Lancer: Hah, I see, I see! Yeah, that's so much more important than who my Master is! You're right, kid!
Shirou: Is that bad? I'm telling you that you can't have Tohsaka.
Lancer: That's not bad at all. Rather, I have a better opinion of you now. Wow, that's great, young lady. The kid's completely fallen for you!
Rin: -! W-w-w-what are you saying?! We're not like that! Um...yes, we're just cooperating!
Rin: ...! You're irritating. What's with that know-it-all face...!? Come on, say something, Shirou! Tell him we're just cooperating!
Rin: Hey, say something, you idiot...! T-this is as if we really do love each other...!
Lancer: Hey, it's not 'as if'. You two are already in love. Even I can tell, and I'm only watching it from the side. But she's actually denying it? This is troublesome, kid.
Shirou: ...Well. I already know Tohsaka's troublesome.
Rin: [starts blushing again] Wha--
Lancer: Oh, how reassuring. Then I shall take care when I socialize with her. But she's fun to tease, so I'm going to entertain myself while we're together. You don't mind that condition, right?
Shirou: ...All right. We'll go with that. We'll have your help until we beat Caster.
Lancer: Then it's decided. Well, let's shake hands.
Rin: I'm so mad!!! Fine, I'm breaking my tie with you guys!!! I'm going to go beat Caster by myself!!!!
- The intermission scene when Shinji loses Rider and goes to the Church has the narration repeatedly refer to him as a loser. The scene itself is also called "Another blessing for this loser."
- If you got Tiger Dojo 23 where you have Shirou refuse Lancer's offer to cooperate with him, Taiga will suddenly declare that this Tiger Dojo will be the last one for Unlimited Blade Works, much to Illya's confusion because there was supposed to be another one after Tiger Dojo 23. Taiga's reason for saying such is because she believes Tiger Dojo 24 is a death so avoidable and pathetic that you need to be deliberately holding the Idiot Ball just to be able to get it. Sure enough, once you get Tiger Dojo 24, which you can trigger by having Shirou choose to take Gilgamesh with him when the Grail is sucking him in, Taiga will be so obviously extremely pissed at Shirou for making such a dumb choice that she strings a chibi version of him up and whacks him hard enough to fly with her shinai.
- Sakura running into the door, and later on the wall, when she gets flustered around Shirou. Very funny when combined with the example beneath this one.
- The scene where Taiga reveals Sakura's bust size. She's an 85, E-cup (that's 38 D-cup for Americans), and acts all flustered about it.
- Shirou's Lemony Narrator can be a goldmine of good moments. This is how he enters a restaurant:And now I'm entering this terrible dungeon willingly. The manager will bring a menu as soon as he sees me. That'll be the end of it. At the very least, I'll have to order something that uses sweet vinegar. It'll turn out horrible if I order something like twice cooked pork, and mapo tofu is out of the question. That stuff is dangerous. It'll melt my tongue. I hear the judge of hell pulls out your tongue, so such awful food could easily come from there. The manager traveled abroad to train his cooking arts, so maybe he trained with the devils.
- When Shirou enters the restaurant, he meets the dreaded Kotomine Kirei...munching Mapo tofu.
- And that's exactly how the scene ends as well.
- What makes this scene so great is that Joji Nakata (Kirei's VA) went out of his way to incorporate heavy panting as he has obvious difficulty eating the stuff. He's even sweating in his character portrait.
- Tiger Dojo number 28: Ilya arrives in a tank, announcing that she's taking over the Tiger Dojo. Taiga promptly freaks out and smashes the tank with her Shinai.
- Kirei just seems to snark his way through Heaven's Feel. One of his best is after Rin and Shirou get schooled by the route's Big Bad and are literally deposited on his door step.Kirei: I wanted to leave you two, since you made a rather ugly pair as abandoned children go, but you were also dead on your feet. Had I done nothing, there would have been two dead bodies in front of my church. A church cannot afford that image, so I had no choice but to treat you.
- And sometime after that, when Shirou asks Kirei about Rin's condition:Shirou: So her life's not in danger?
Kirei: No. The soil of that land is special. It is a ley line that is said to have been home to vampires. Rin is her family's heir, so she will be back to her impudent self if I keep her buried for a day.
Shirou: [narration] Let's hope he doesn't literally mean "bury".
- And sometime after that, when Shirou asks Kirei about Rin's condition:
- There's a serious scene where Rin and Shirou have a tense argument about whether to kill Sakura. Cue a sudden crashing sound, Rin and Shirou stop in their tracks… and Kirei, casually providing his own commentary in the background. Leading to this conversation:Kirei: [with a serious frown] Running footsteps. The only ways out of here are through this chapel or the back door. What is she doing, breaking the window to go outside? [smiles] ...Oh, I see. Most windows here have fixed fittings. She had to break it to get out. For someone who's still recovering, she's pretty violent.
Rin: Recovering—- do you mean Sakura?!
Kirei: Who else? From the room she was in, you can somehow hear everything said in the chapel. I am sure she fled when she heard you discuss killing her.
Kirei: Forgive me. It is a structural defect.
- When Shirou and Sakura meet each other for breakfast the morning after Their First Time, both of them feel so embarrassed and awkward that they blush furiously and end up saying "good morning" to each other three times because they can't think of what to say. It's adorable.
- During breakfast with Sakura and Rider, choose to say you like Rider. What follows is 2 minutes of Shirou digging himself deeper to avoid both Sakura's jealousy and Rider's irritation. The scene ends with the two of them saying "I'm waiting for your answer!" in perfect unison.
- During a conversation with Rider, Shirou expresses his admiration for her stature (she's 5 centimeters or 2 inches taller than him), which gets The Stoic Servant frantic and flustered like nothing else in the entire visual novel. It turns out that Rider is really self-conscious about her height, and Shirou caught her badly off-guard by bringing the focus to it.
- The scene where Ilya and Rin begin randomly arguing over which of them is Shirou's "owner" (It Makes Sense in Context). And then you get to pick which one of them is. Rin's is kind of lackluster, but if you choose Ilya, both of them just completely freak out. Rin goes completely berserk and starts accusing Shirou of having an… "ulterior motive" for his decision, while Ilya glomps onto Shirou in utter delight and promises to protect him from the "scary old girl", which of course just makes things worse…
- A small Mythology Gag happens when Shirou wakes up in Kotomine's back room in the church, where he says that he sadly has no wine for Shirou. Considering how ridiculously full of wine it was in Fate/Zero, this heavily implies Gilgamesh drank it all.
- While rescuing Ilya, Kotomine cheerfully makes Shirou free-climb Einzbern Castle, with Shirou complaining the entire time. Then Kotomine jumps out the window with Illya, spurring Shirou to follow. By jumping out the window. From twenty meters (~ sixty-five feet) up. He nearly breaks his legs, and Ilya and Kotomine look at him like he's an idiot for not reinforcing his legs with prana for the fall. His defense?Shirou: Well, I was left behind, and since Kotomine jumped with Ilya, I thought I'd look bad if I didn't do it too——
- How does Ilya's rescue in the Einzbern Forest on Day 15 — which only can be described as one long sequence of Awesome Moments for both Shirou and Kirei — actually end? With a healthy dose of Reality Ensues, of course. Shirou and Ilya are left looking worse for wear from battle, caked with dirt (and dried blood in Shirou's case), stranded on foot next to the highway and having to slowly make their long, long way back to the city. Or at least until Shirou jumps in front of a car in order to make it stop and Ilya then hypnotizes the driver into giving them a lift back to Fuyuki. As awesome as his Big Damn Heroes moments can get, Shirou can't exactly claim his rescues are as glamorous as they could be.
- In the manga adaptation, Shirou thinks- with absolute seriousness- "Gaze internally into the stove." That sentence will probably never be repeated.
- The fact that Heracles can be an Assassin-class is incredibly funny once you find out that his massive height and weight (253cm/311kg) stays the same outside of Berserker-class. Imagining an 8'4 monster of a man being a sneaky Assassin is very amusing to say the least.
- Somehow, an interview managed to get Ian McKellen to read the Unlimited Blade Works prayer. The look of confusion and/or disgust on his face as he reads through it is priceless.