Waiting for Dutch
- Rye attempts to intimidate the judge apparently assuming he's the first one to ever try it:Rye: Listen, there's two ways this can go:Judge Mundt: Is one of them the hard way?Rye: Easy- *slams hand on table* You know what?!
- After Rye commits the Waffle Hut massacre and chases down (and shoots) the waitress, he gets distracted by a set of lights and wanders onto the highway, thereby getting hit by Peggy Blumquist. The lights he got distracted by, though? Apparently, UFO lights.
Before the Law
- Hank detains Mike Milligan and the Kitchen Brothers.Mike: [seeing Hank's shoulder patches] Rock County. It’s like that town on The Flintstones. Is that where we are? [musically] On the Flintstones...
- When Hank asks the Kitchen brothers what size shoes they wear, they both display middle fingers.
The Myth of Sisyphus
- When Lou and Ben Schmidt pay a visit to the Gerhardt ranch, Ollie Stein tells them to surrender their guns. Schmidt complies, but Lou refuses to part with his, citing "sentimental value". Ollie makes clear he's not getting inside the house with it.
- Lou catches Mike and the Kitchen Brothers searching Skip's typewriter shop. As Gale emerges from behind a tarp, he spots Lou and goes for his gun. Mike then emerges from another room:Mike: What are you, having a baby in there? [to Lou] Hello. [to Gale] You didn't tell me your family was in from out of town.
[Wayne emerges with a shotgun; Lou quickly draws his revolver on him]
Mike: Whoops.
Lou: Got to ask you your business here.
Mike: Maybe I'm the owner.
Lou: Nope. Met the owner this morning.
Mike: Is that right? Maybe tell us where he is. Make a few bucks.
Lou:' I was gonna ask you the same. [beat] Say, you wouldn't by any chance be Mike Milligan and The Kitchen Brothers, would you?
Mike: [laughs] You make us sound like a prog rock band. "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Mike Milligan and The Kitchen Brothers!" [Gale uses this distraction to grab the shotgun that he had earlier tried to grab; as he does so, Lou trains his revolver on him] Double whoops.
Lou: Easy.
Mike: Minnesota cop. You do know you're in North Dakota, right?
Lou: Must have got lost on the way to the lake.
Mike: So, where'd you say you saw ol' Skip?
Lou: At your mother’s house, I think going in the back door.
Mike: [to the brothers] I like him. [to Lou] I like you. Met another fella from Minnesota yesterday. Big guy. Sheriff, I think. I liked him, too.
Lou: [knowing Mike is referring to when Hank detained him] We're a very friendly people.
Mike: [shakes his head] No, that's not it. Pretty unfriendly, actually. But it's the way you're unfriendly-- how you're so polite about it. Like you're doing me a favor.
Lou: [clicks his tongue] Well, this has been enjoyable, but I better get going. [takes a step back, still dealing with the brothers training their shotguns on him]
Mike: What did Nixon call it? "Peace with honor."
Lou: Something like that.
Mike: Naw. You stay. We've seen everything there is to see. [steps towards the door, along with the Brothers] "I am not a crook". - Dodd slowly becoming more and more annoyed with Bear as Floyd's meeting with Gerhardt allies goes on.Bear: Know thyself.
Dodd: [slowly turning his head] Waddya on about? - Joe and Mike's conversation about the quality of the water in North Dakota and their usage of shampoo.
Fear and Trembling
- Dodd entering the donut shop and beating up two Kansas City men, followed by him innocently ordering him and Charlie some donuts.Dodd: I'll have a chocolate glaze, and, uh... [looks to Charlie]
Charlie: An old fashioned.
Dodd: [turns back to the counter] An old fash- [doubletakes at Charlie] An old-? [turns to the counter again] An old fashioned.
The Gift of the Magi
- Charlie insists on being sent to kill Ed, but loses his nerve and instead returns to the car with a packet of chops and an ashamed look on his face to explain to Virgil.
- Presidential candidate and former movie star Ronald Reagan (Bruce Campbell) stops at Luverne during a whistle-stop tour. Lou is assigned to his detail and Karl Weathers (Nick Offerman) asks him a favor:Karl: If you get the chance, ask him if Joan Crawford had crabs.
Lou: Yeah, I'm not going to do that. - This darkly funny exchange:Lou: Do you really think we'll get out of this mess we're in?
Reagan: Son, there's not a challenge on God's earth that can't be overcome by an American. And I truly believe that.
Lou: Yeah, but... how?
Reagan: (smiles, pats Lou on the shoulder, and leaves)
Rhinoceros
- Lou demonstrating to Ed just how tired of his shit he is after talking with his wife.Ed: She's a nice lady—
Lou: Shut up. - Having arrested Ed, Lou summons the town's attorney: Karl Weathers, Esq - who proceeds to steal the entire episode:Karl: You hear that Sonny? There's a crisis at the highest level, so who do they call? The best lawyer in town.
Sonny: Aren't you the only lawyer in town, Karl?
Karl: Yes, but that's because I scared away all the... *nearly falls over getting out of his chair* Great Caesar's ghost. It would appear I'm a little unstable... Though I am sound in mind and body and ready to run circles around the inferior minds of the Rock County sheriff's department.
Sonny: Lou's a state cop, Karl.
Karl: Shut up Sonny. *beat* We'll need you to drive, however. - Upon arriving, a "slightly inebriated" Karl wanders through the station
, spouting patriotic statements in a Large Ham fashion... occasionally interrupted by the cops giving him directions to the holding cell where his client is.Karl: Greetings and salutations! I have made the pilgrimage from the Hall of Veterans as George Washington once forded the Delaware. Steely in my resolve, prepared to battle unto my dying breath for the rights--
Denise: Lawyer's here.
Karl: (In a completely normal tone) Hey, Denise. (Back to ham) For the rights of free men!
Percy: Hey, Karl, Ed's in back.
Karl: Rights that were squeezed from British oppression like water from a stone! That all men are created equal, free from the jackboot tyranny and gulag magic tricks of nameless, faceless committees-
Lou: Hey, hope they didn't wake ya.
Karl: Out of my way, tool of the state! For I am come to comfort and counsel my client, even as you seek to prison him—
Lou: Yeah, whatever you're gonna do, you got 30 minutes.
Karl: Don't dictate terms to me, you rogue! For the law is a light on a hill, calling to its breast all those in search of justice. To whit, this poor, mottled wretch in front of me.
Ed: Hey, Karl.- He then attempts to ask Ed whether or not he's guilty, but only by conflicting head shakes and nods. After all, "the establishment has ears everywhere".
- He also slips and promises to defend Ed to Ed's dying breath, not his own.Karl: Please excuse the obvious death penalty snafu. I'm slightly inebriated.
- When Lou tries to make sure Karl isn't driving in his condition, Karl reacts with his usual bombast, but quickly backs down as he realises the seriousness of the matter.Karl: My choices outside this building are none of your... But, no, Sonny valeted me here tonight.
- Karl then discovers Bear leading a lynch mob about to siege the police station (accompanied by a comically long series of gun cocks as the mob loads up), before attempting to barricade the station doors with a bench. Glass doors, which are pulled open from the outside.
- Finally, Karl manages to lessen the Mood Whiplash with a Comically Serious, Nick Offerman delivered line:Karl: It's possible I soiled myself.
- The look on Dodd's face after he accidentally shoots one of his own men while looking for Peggy in the Blumquists' basement makes for a bit of great Black Comedy.
Did You Do This? No, You Did It!
- Lou losing it with Ben Schmidt's behavior and flat out telling him he thinks he's a shit cop. Hank laughs affirmably.
- The truly masterful buildup and subsequent bait-and-switch when Mike just up and shoots The Undertaker in the face, and then cutting his underlings' throats without breaking a sweat. All of that buildup, that perfectly mournful preceding sequence, the intriguing and unique little ticks of The Undertaker, all point toward Mr Milligan taking an early exit, and nope, he's still gonna be around.
- Mike gesturing for Gale to get him a pen so he can write down the details of Ed's proposed meeting. With his wrist-gun still poking out of his sleeve.
Loplop
- The entirety of Dodd's kidnapping, as Ed and Peggy try to ransom him back to the Gerhardts, blissfully unaware that the Gerhardt empire is collapsing from within.Ed: Honey, did you stab him?
Peggy: Nope.
Dodd: Yes. [...] I think she punctured a lung.- Dodd throughout is absolutely hilarious, acting increasingly childlike the whole time he's tied up.
- As Dodd struggles against his bonds, Peggy gloats, "Foot's on the other shoe now." Dodd can only respond with an exasperated "shut up", as if he still can't believe that these dumbasses got the drop on him.
- What happens when you have a hostage tied up for a long enough amount of time? You guessed it — Potty Emergency. Ed has to help Dodd with it without untying him and words cannot begin to describe the awkwardness.
- When it's time for bed, Dodd acts out by staring at Ed and Peggy while they try to sleep. This earns him one final indignity as Ed drapes a pillowcase over his head.
The Castle
- Peggy off-handedly admits to stabbing Hanzee with a pair of scissors. Hank sounds downright proud of her.Hank: [laughing] Boy, she makes us look like the Gang That Can't Shoot Straight, doesn't she? Our beautician...
- Peggy gets the line of the episode (and maybe the season) when they make a run for it during the infamous Sioux Falls Massacre.Peggy: It's just a flying saucer Ed! We gotta go!
- Mike and Gale pulling up to the motel literally moments after the massacre ends, seeing the parking lot full of bodies, and immediately turning around and getting back in the car.Mike: ...Okay then.
Palindrome
- Mike's soul-crushing moment when he realizes all his hard work has earned him...an office in accounting.
