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     Season Four 

51. - North by North Quahog

52. - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci, Jr. High

  • The cutaway of Peter using a hose to try to turn the house staircase into a water slide, which ends with him brutally injuring himself. Brian is apathetic:
    Brian: I'm not going to call the hospital, because you won't learn anything if I do.
  • When Mrs. Lockhart passes test papers.
    Mrs. Lockhart: What do you see here, Chris? (holds his paper next to her cleavage)
    Chris: Two D's and an F.
  • Lois tells Chris that he must do something romantic and unexpected to win a girl's heart. He comes to school the next day wearing nothing except spaceman boots and an astronaut helmet, the same clothing Peter wore to surprise Lois.
  • After that, this Cutaway Gag with Donny and Marie Osmond in bed together.
    Donny: Uh... Marie?
    Marie: Yeah, Donny?
    Donny: Um... we cannot tell Mom.
  • Stewie, with curlers and a clay face mask on, yelling at Chris to get in the house.
    Stewie: HEY! Do you have any idea what time it is?! GET IN THE HOUSE, FATTY!
  • "Oh my God, there's a bear in my oatmeal!"
  • This:
    Lois: What's this? You know, Stewie, Mommy doesn't usually read things out of Chris's pockets. She's more respectful than that.
    Stewie: Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, bitch.

53. - Blind Ambition

  • Peter sticks his head in the ball return at the bowling alley to see Judd Hirsch working on a missile, which becomes a Brick Joke when Peter attempts to make a new flying machine by converting Stewie's tricycle into a 14-winged plane. Stewie gets a few feet before the wings collapse and he's launched into a tree where he sees the Keebler elves plotting an attack on the Rice Krispies mascots, assuming Hirsch delivers the goods. Sure enough, this becomes another Brick Joke when Crackle and Pop are later seen lamenting Snap's offscreen death.
  • In the women's restroom at the bowling alley, Quagmire watches Lois while pinned to the ceiling until he grows impatient waiting for her to finish preparing the toilet and tells her to just go already.
  • When Bonnie believes that it would be unsafe to give birth in a neighborhood with Quagmire in it:
    Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years, all right. Either have the baby or don't.
  • At the mall, Quagmire inadvertently saves a woman having a heart attack and another woman is relieved that he knows CPR. Without missing a beat, he replies "What the hell's CPR?"
  • Blind!Peter accidentally climbing into Chris's and then Stewie's bed because he thinks they're Lois. Stewie's reaction is the best. "WHAT THE DEUCE?!"
  • Peter admits that while blind, he defecated in the confessional at church, which they frown upon if you're not homeless.
  • The cutaway of Stewie and Brian after Brian is neutered and has to wear a cone:
    Stewie: Okay, okay if I make this we're all going to get laid. (He shoots a crumpled paper ball into Brian's cone) Haha, yes! Score, score!
    Brian: Boy, I'd really like to chew on my crotch right now.
  • The ending parodying the ceremony at the end of A New Hope, including cameos from C-3PO, R2-D2, and Chewbacca, who scares Mort.

54. - Don't Make Me Over

  • The following:
    Stewie: (singing) I want to have intercourse with you. Uh-oh-yeah. Intercourse with you.
    Brian: (singing) Relations.
    Stewie: Intercourse with you-oo-oo-whoo! Right?
    Brian: Yeah, no great, that sounds good.
    Stewie: All right, groovy, groovy. Now, is there a shorter word for intercourse?
  • Brian's dare to Stewie at the mall earlier in the episode:
    Stewie: (running naked through the mall) Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
  • "Oh my God, we don't know any songs!"

55. - The Cleveland-Loretta Quagmire

  • By the barbershop quartet plus Peter, "You Have AIDS".
  • The Petercopter and the Hindenpeter. "HOW CAN YOU AFFORD THESE THINGS?!"
  • (Peter in a Quagmire mask humping Brian in a Loretta mask) "I"m Quagmire, I'm Quagmire, you're my best friend's wife but who cares? I'm Quagmire!"
  • The part where Quagmire uses Adam West's banana to try to fend off Cleveland:
    Adam West: When the time comes, you'll know what to do.
    (Quagmire tosses banana at Cleveland, who stops for about half a second)
    Quagmire: Dammit! (chase resumes)

56. - Petarded

  • Peter as a tumor.
  • The doctor explaining Peter's IQ puts him on a chart. From top to bottom are the words "Average", "Retarded" and "Creationists" with Peter in the lower portion of the middle.
  • "Good thing I just watched that National Geographic special on fire trucks."
  • "Attention, restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all."
  • For that matter Peter using his disability as an excuse to watch women pee.
    Oh, you're just curious! Here, let me show you how everything works down there!
  • Brian: You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you so" about not being a genius, but uh... EEYEEEEAAAAH, IN YOUR FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAAAAAD! ...I'm... I'm sorry about that.

57. - Brian the Bachelor

  • While trying to get Brooke to love him back even when it's clear she doesn't, Brian tries to sing her a song only for her to throw a phone at his head, causing him to spend the next few seconds recoiling in pain.
  • The B-plot of Chris developing a sentient, malicious pimple named Doug ends with him going to the dermatologist to get him removed. After a brief battle, Chris gets rid of Doug, then the doctor comes back into the room and asks him "You okay, fatass?"

58. - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter

  • The time Peter bought the breakfast machine from Pee-wee's Big Adventure:
    Peter: "WHAT was the point of all that?! Argh! All it does is shoot ya! It doesn't make breakfast at all! Owww!"
  • When Meg tells Lois she could be having a life on Saturday night:
    Lois: "Meg, if you don't want to babysit anymore, that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me."
    Peter: "OH-HO Meg, she torched your ass man! She torched your ass!"
  • At Mort's pharmacy:
    Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
    Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
    Peter: No, I'm shoving 'em up my butt. Of course I'm eating 'em!
  • Also,
    Stewie: (to Jeremy, the babysitter's boyfriend) Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey sac tourney! I'm not gonna lay down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long sleeved, open stitched, crew neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpsons episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow"! Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder!
  • It's a bad joke on Meg but still:
    Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.
    Boy: Yeah...uhh...that sounds cool but I'm gonna be in the hospital that night. (shoots himself in the stomach with a nail gun)

59. - Breaking Out is Hard to Do

  • Stewie fails to commit suicide by pulling a plastic bag over his misshapen head.
    Stewie: Good Lord, Lois! Either I was a C-section or you're Wonder Woman!
  • The scene where Chris gets pulled into the "Take On Me" music video while trying to retrieve milk from the store, coupled with his confused reaction afterward:
    Lois: Chris, where have you been?
    Chris: I DON'T KNOW!
  • WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?
    • He's Quagmire! Quagmire! You never really know what he's gonna do next! He's Quagmire! Quagmire!
      • Quagmire: Giggidy, giggidy, let's have sex!
  • "The Asian Trix Rabbit."
  • Three's Company Asiantown
  • "Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of the pieces to my Lite Brite! My name's not Adam We!...Or is it...? Who am I? What number did you dial?! Don't ever call me again."
  • Peter and "that thing" he and Lois do "every Thursday night". At the top of the stairs. (It was originally going to be even worse too.)
    • Almost as funny as that is that after Peter falls Brian looks at him for a second then goes back to reading his newspaper without saying a word.

60. - Model Misbehavior

  • Cookie Monster in a toilet stall frantically "cooking up" cookie dough in a spoon.
    Cookie Monster: C'mon, c'mon! (notices Lois) Go away!
  • Carter forcing Peter to eat a pine cone.
  • Peter says he's luckier than the state of Rhode Island, leading to this cutaway.
    Founding Father 1: Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
    Founding Father 2: We'll flip a coin.
    Founding Father 1: All right. Heads: Rhode Island. Tails: Cacapoopoopeepeeshire.
  • This bit:
    Lois: Hey, there, sweetie. I got a wax this morning, and let's just say: You're cleared for landing, huh?
    Quagmire: (outside, off-screen) Giggity!

61. - Peter's Got Woods

  • Peter playing peek-a-boo with Stewie. "Oh, great, leave when I'm right in the middle of a sentence."

62. - Perfect Castaway

  • Peter and Michael Moore's farting contest.
  • Peter wants Meg to carry a leaf bag instead of a condom in case a boy wants to have his way with her.
    Peter: (holds leaf bag) Meg, HEFTY HEFTY HEF-TY! (holds condom, high-pitched voice) Wimpy, wimpy, wim-py!
  • When Brian is breaking up with Lois:
    Stewie: Uh! Oh my god. No way.
    Stewie: Oh, bitch, you got jacked, bitch!
  • Peter says that he used to be a construction worker in New York, but he never got the catcalling right. Cue to Peter working on a construction site with three other guys while an attractive woman walks by:
    First worker: (whistles)
    Second worker: Yeah, baby!
    Third worker: I want a piece of that!
    Peter: YOU SUCK!
  • Everything Quagmire drinks to during a game of "I Never": sleeping with a woman with the lights on, having sex with Cleveland's wife, doing a chick in a Logan airport bathroom, giving a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance, picking up an illegal alien at Home Depot to choke him at home while he touched himself and doing the same thing but with someone from Jo-Ann Fabrics.

63. - Jungle Love

  • This:
    Lady Guinevere: Oh, Arthur, if you can remove this sword from its stone, and prove that you are the true king of England, I will make love to you in this very field.
    Arthur: What if I just move it a little? Will you touch me?

64. - PTV

  • Osama bin Laden's bloopers.
  • The fact that the chairman of the FCC is Cobra Commander.
    Employee: Sir, what course of action do you recommend regarding the Hyde Pierce incident?
    Cobra Commander: You've got to censor television, you fools! Now, follow my orders. (gets in a rocket chair and flies through the ceiling)
  • The Dick Van Dyke Show gets Censored for Comedy, becoming "The (BLEEP) Van (BLEEP) Show: Starring (BLEEP) Van (BLEEP)."
  • The FCC Song.
  • Peter's failed attempt at escaping from the FCC when they come to tell him that PTV is going off the air. He puts on a jetpack, but instead of flying away, the jetpack makes him fall over and headbutt the wall repeatedly until the jetpack runs out of fuel.
    Peter: OK, you caught me.
  • When Peter explains one of his sex sessions with Lois, it ends up being censored by an airhorn.
    Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (HONK)! ...What!?! I can't say (HONK) in my own (HONK)-ing house? (HONK)-ing great, Lois, just (HONK)-ing great! You're lucky you're good at (HONK)-ing my (HONK) or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about. When you (HONK) lubed up (HONK) toothpaste in my (HONK) and you (HONK) cherry (HONK) Episcopalian (HONK) extension cord (HONK) wetness (HONK) with a parking ticket? That is the best!
  • The FCC start censoring farts, making Peter wear a device that converts the sounds of his farts into Steven Wright jokes.
    Wright: I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

65. - Brian Goes Back to College

  • Peter sprays himself with Tag Sick Cat Body Spray.
  • This part:
    Peter: This looks like a job for the A-Team! (slams his gun down and shoots a hole in the ceiling, causing Chris to fall face-first onto the floor)
    Chris: Hi, Dad!
    Peter: Go to your room.
    Chris: Okay! (runs up the stairs and falls through the hole again face first)
  • Brian meets a girl in college:
    Speaker: "Look to your left. Now look to your right. Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you."
    Man on the left: I'm not gonna rape you.
    Man on the right: I might.
  • Any gag involving James Bottomtooth.

66. - The Courtship of Stewie's Father

  • A cutaway of Kim Cattrall shows her about to have sex with a guy, but she's so old that when she spreads her legs, they creak and she pours a few drops of oil between them. Then the guy jumps on her and she shatters like glass.
  • Brian trying to cheer up Peter with "It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time", especially when Peter leaves the room and he just keeps at it.
  • Stewie's reaction to Peter taking him to Disney World.

67. - The Fat Guy Strangler

  • When Brian is trying to tell Lois her brother is a serial killer she denies it. What makes it funny is the sheer overwhelming evidence (photos of him strangling fat guys, a dead fat guy in his room, a half dead fat guy in his room that says "Patrick tried to kill me.") doesn't convince her, but Brian simply shouting at her does.
  • Peter announces to everyone that he's fat.
  • That game of The Price Is Right
    I bid $780.
    And your bid, Sarah?
    What was the last bid, Bob?
    $780, Sarah.
    I bid $781.
    Fuck you!

68. - The Father, the Son, and the Holy Fonz

  • That time Peter lost his virginity.
  • Jesus is buried after the crucifixion, then he leaps into a redneck who just slept with a farmer's daughter. "Oh boy!"
  • Peter at his cousin's wedding, during a cutaway:
    Preacher: If anyone has any objections, Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.
    Peter: (Looks around) Really? No one's gonna speak up? I'm the one who's gonna have to say it? Alright...GENITAL WARTS!

69. - Brian Sings and Swings

  • Stewie's tale of Brian leaving him behind on the way home from the club:
    Stewie: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed (revealing a bloody stump where his left ear was) I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven, so when you're ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
    • Since nobody seems to pay his injury much mind, Stewie says that he'll just substitute his ear with the ear from a Mr. Potato Head.
  • Peter pretending to be a Hassidic Jew to get out of work:
    Peter: Good morning, Hebrews and Shebrews. What a glorious Jewish day. How about all those coupons in the Sunday paper, huh? Some good deals there. I went into a store last week and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV, but I ussed them down to 500.
    (one of the Jews kicks him in the groin)

70. - Patriot Games

71. - I Take Thee Quagmire

  • Peter on Wheel of Fortune. "Uh...uh...Z, Uh, 4, Q, uh-uh another Q, a third Q...and the Batman Symbol."
    • Miraculously, despite no help with those choices, Peter guesses correctly: "Is it "Alex Karras in Webster?" (ding ding ding!) "I... don't... believe it."
    • And later, when he's picking out the prizes:
    Peter: Say, uh, how much for the fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.
    Pat: That's you.
    Peter: Oh, embarrassing...
  • Mayor West on Jeopardy!: when host Alex Trebek asks the question of what was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars, West replies with "Kebert Xela", which when read causes Trebek to disappear to the 5th dimension a la Mr. Mxyzptlk.
  • The Malcolm in the Middle parody: Lois is complaining and becoming increasingly more irate until Hal (with Bryan Cranston reprising his role) removes the freezer door and kills her with one good whack. He then declares "Kids, we're free. We're finally free." and he, Malcolm, Reese, and Dewey walk off into the sunset.
  • The fake death for Quagmire that Peter, Joe, and Cleveland set up. Joe pretends to attack Quagmire as a ninja, then Cleveland appears as a Nazi and shoots him with a ball gun, then Peter appears as "an evil pots-and-pans robot" and shoots him with a toy laser. Lastly, Peter holds a T. rex toy in front of the camera to make it look like it's eating Quagmire, while singing the Jurassic Park theme.
    • When Joan doesn't buy it, Quagmire comes in and pretends to have a heart attack, leading to this:
    Joan: Is he all right?
    Joe: No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop.
    Joan: Oh, my God. Are you sure?
    Peter: You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. (nothing happens) I said, when people die, they void their bowels.
    (cut to the outside of the house, where Peter, Cleveland and Joe all laugh at Quagmire)
    Peter: What a jackass.

72. - Sibling Rivalry

  • Lois and Peter "roleplaying":
    Lois (dressed as a Catholic schoolgirl): Oh, I need a spankin'. I'm a bad, bad girl!
    Peter: I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my Helm of Disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his +5 Holy Avenger.
    Lois: Paladins can't use the Helm of Disintegration.
    Peter: Oh. Then I'm a black guy.
  • Peter challenging Lois to a race around the world.
  • The Vasectomy Song.
  • This exchange:
    Bertram: Well, well, well. If it isn't my half-brother, Stewie!
    Stewie: Bertram! I haven't seen you since our microscopic encounter. How the deuce did you get out of Peter's testicles?
    Bertram: He donated sperm.
    Stewie: Gross.
  • Peter meets Scrat the sabertooth squirrel. Bonus points for getting Blue Sky, the studio behind the Ice Age movies, to animate this cutawaynote .
    (Scrat tries to pull an acorn off an ice glacier, but is stopped by Peter)
    Peter: No! No! Bad squirrel! Those are my nuts! My nuts! (as Scrat continues trying to pull the acorn off the glacier) Ahh, you're just a hungry little fellow, aren't you? But those are my nuts!
    (Scrat yells and charges at Peter)
    Peter: Ah! No! Oh, God, no! My nuts! My nuts!

73. - Deep Throats

  • Brian telling Lois about what he watched on TV: "I just watched a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I still don't know what a hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead. Hey, can you hand me the remote?" (said remote is right next to him)
  • Peter and Lois licking Chris like ice cream when they're high.
    Chris: (sobbing) Stop!
  • The uncut version of Lois and Peter lying on top of each other naked on the couch much to Stewie and Brian's discomfort:
    Brian: All we need is one incriminating entry in this datebook and that's our ticket to...
    (He and Stewie see Lois and Peter lying completely naked on the sofa)
    Peter: Hey Brian. What's up?
    Brian: Uh, hi, um, Lois...Peter...
    Lois: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's sooo comfortable!
    Peter: Hey, Lois. Look how short Stewie is. (laughs) He's so short. (continues laughing)
    Lois: Oh my God, he is short.
    (both laugh hysterically)
    Lois: Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door! What should I do?
    Brian: What?
    Lois: He's knocking on the back door! Should I let him in? I'm scared!
    Stewie: Well, um, you two are busy being nude, so, um, we'll just head out and uh...let you be nude.
    • Ironically, given that Brian sees Lois naked, he reacts very nervously, considering the fact he has a crush on her. Watch the clip for yourself. You'll never watch Family Guy the same way again!

74. - Peterotica

  • Peter's erotic novel, The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish. As read by Betty White.
  • Jude Law and Renée Zellweger in The Picnic.
    Jude: These ants are ruining our picnic!
    Renee: (face comically stretched out so she looks like an anteater) You mean the picnic is ruining our ants! (Cue scene of Renée eating ants set to Roll to Me.)
  • The lawyer being forced by Carter to fight the Rancor, but he somehow wins the battle...
    Carter: Huh, I didn't know that "Greenberg" was a Jedi name...

75. - You May Now Kiss the...Uh...Guy Who Receives

  • An instructional film about gay people claims that they have acid for blood like a Xenomorph, which leaks from a guy's arm and burns a hole in the ground when he gets an injection. Soon after, a giant scorpion-like monster bursts from his chest and the doctor kills it with a shotgun.
  • This moment with Tom Tucker:
    Tom: And now this. (plays with a Whee-lo) Look at that. In the thirties, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish.
    Diane: Really?
    Tom: I dunno. I'm just bored.
  • Stewie rummaging through the Pewterschmidts' candy jar.
    Stewie: God, this is such an old people house, you know? I mean, look at this candy jar. Let's, uh, take a look in here. Let's see what you got here. You got, uh... Oh, you got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's, uh... Oh, oh, Freedent! Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah, I got— I got a sweet tooth, I think I'll have some Freedent. Yeah, uh, oh, oh, what's this? Oh, a cough drop! A Luden's cough drop! Is that candy? No, I don't think that's candy; I think it's a COUGH DROP! Uh, what else we got? Oh, oh, look! Look at this! There's a fishing lure in here! There's a fishing lure in the candy jar! W-w-what?! Am I— am I supposed to EAT this? Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV!

76. - Petergeist

77. - Untitled Griffin Family History

  • The reason Peter has a panic room is that he watched The Butterfly Effect and built it so he had somewhere that the movie couldn't find him.
  • After misfiring a flare gun and setting off the panic room's fire sprinkler, Peter puts on a scuba suit and leaves the rest of his family to drown while he sinks under the water. He resurfaces when it turns out his oxygen tank was actually a tank of Tony Danza's breath, and the tank he was supposed to get was mailed to Judith Light, who ordered the tank of Danza's breath for a homemade love doll of him.
  • Peter admitting that he didn't like The Godfather, and the ensuing argument.
    Lois: Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?
    Peter: It insists upon itself, Lois.
    Lois: What?
    Peter: It insists upon itself.
    Lois: What does that even mean?
    Chris: Because it has a valid point to make, IT'S INSISTED!

78., 79., and 80. - Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

  • A drunk Lois on all fours telling Peter to "get on". This is at the red carpet premiere for the movie, mind you.
    Lois: Peter. Peter. (whispers) Get on.
    Peter: Son of a bitch.
  • The "incest episode" from the DVD extra:
    Brian: WRONG! It's WRONG! (pounds table)

78. Stewie B. Goode

  • This:
    Peter: You know what really grinds my gears? You, America! Fuck you! Diane?
  • After his night out with Brian, Stewie finds that he apparently had a one-night thing with Roger Moore that led to him having "Property of Roger Moore" written on his stomach (in the TV version, he simply has a handkerchief with the initials "RM" on it).

79. Bango Was His Name Oh

  • Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man! Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man!
  • To make sure no one notices they're gone, Stewie has two robots of himself and Brian:
    Robot Stewie: (in Machine Monotone) Damn you, vile woman. Blast. What the deuce?
    Robot Brian: (also in Machine Monotone) I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything, including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.
  • While pursuing his future self, Stewie jumps through a window and is replaced by a less-than-convincing stuntman.

80. Stu and Stewie's Excellent Adventure

  • After following Stu into the future, Stewie is disappointed because he thought he'd be the supreme ruler of the world away from "that house full of idiots". Cut to Peter, Chris, and Brian on the couch, where Brian unwraps a candy bar and throws it to the ground, causing Peter and Chris to knock themselves out when they hit their heads trying to grab it at the same time and Brian rests his feet on them.
  • Stewie's defacement of Brian's grave (he crosses out Brian's name and writes "Douchebag" on it):
    Stewie: Oh, this is fantastic!
    Stu: Well, that's not very appropriate, Stewie...
    Stewie: Well, of course, it is; I loathed that know-it-all flea-bitten mutt!
    Stu: No, no, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed, ever since President Douchebag.
  • Brian in Heaven:
    Brian: Wow, I can't believe I'm in heaven and drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Vincent van Gogh, and Kurt Cobain. But still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.
    Ernest Hemingway: Yeah, well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.
    Vincent Van Gogh: I could not reconcile my passion with the way others were living around me, so I shot myself.
    Kurt Cobain: I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism, so I shot myself.
    Brian: (sheepishly) Yeah, I, uh, I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.
  • When Stu and Stewie return home after Stu loses his job and find Stu's apartment on fire, one of the firemen lampshades the irony of the fire being caused by the stress relief candles that Stewie left lit.
  • When Peter and Lois are moved into a retirement home, they find Cleveland, Quagmire, and Joe already there. Cleveland previously had a stroke and now talks very slowly, while Bonnie died before Joe and he's now using her legs to replace his.
    Joe: Who wears short shorts? I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!

     Season Five 

81. - Stewie Loves Lois

  • Stewie faking an overdose to get Lois' attention.
    Brian: You look like a jackass.
    Stewie: Can't hear you, Brian; I'm dead.
    Brian: All right. *plugs up the toilet with a towel, then flushes*
    Stewie: What did you do? *toilet overflows and begins to flood the bathroom* Oh, that is so not cool...
  • Kermit the racist:
    Man: Excuse me, do you know the way to town?
    Kermit: Yeah, it's back the way you came. (cocks shotgun)
  • Stewie switching to Spanish.
  • When Peter first comes home from Dr. Hartman's office (where he bolted from a routine prostate exam):
    Lois: Peter, my God, you look terrible!
    Peter: I was raped.
    Lois: (chuckles) What?
    Peter: Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
    Lois: (chuckles again) What?!
    (Peter whispers to Lois)
    Lois: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
    Peter: You sound just like him! (runs out crying)
    Lois: Fucking idiot.
  • This scene:
  • After Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland confess that Dr. Hartman "molested" them (actually giving them a prostate exam), Joe says: "You guys are a bunch of queers." And rolls away. And comes back and says, "AND SO AM I!"
  • "Relax! I be a doctor!"
    • "GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!"

82. - Mother Tucker

  • The "I Want Ice Cream" scene.
  • Tim Mccarver's sportscasting:
    Mccarver: In my view, as good as the Yankees were in the first half of this game, that's how as bad they've been now.

83. - Hell Comes to Quahog

  • At the roller rink, Quagmire asks out a woman who looks thin viewed from the back, only for her to face him and turn out to be super fat from the front.
  • "Dude, these animals are so FUCKING funny!"
    • "THEY MAKE ME WANNA MERGE WITHOUT LOOKING!"
    • "Yeah! Rumsfeld!"
  • After buying a tank, Peter and Lois take it to the drive-in theater. When Peter gets angry that the movie has no conflict, he fires a shell through the screen. Meanwhile, a guy and his wife are arguing that the guy won't remove the stump in their yard; you're led to believe the shell will blow up the stump, but instead it crashes through the roof and blows up the wife, then it's revealed that the stump is alive and he and the guy are lovers.
  • Meg says she's going to get a job to pay for a car and Chris tells her he'll pay her a dollar a day to smell his sneakers. His repeated laughing and the family's bored reactions to this are hilarious.
    • In the uncut version, he eventually soils himself and declares "Oh, I peed and pooped."
  • Brian biting a Special Needs kid after the kid strokes him repeatedly.
  • After Superstore USA puts Cleveland, Mort, and several other store owners out of business, the only guy making money is an old man selling tumbleweeds.
  • Peter blows a raspberry every time Meg's name is mentioned, prompting Chris to then repeat Meg's name over and over again until Lois tells him to stop. At the end of the episode, he does so again, but actually farts on the last mention of Meg. "Uh-oh...Pardon me."
  • The random recreation of The Electric Company (1971) opening.
  • The cutaway of Peter trying to do his SAT. He pulls out an Asian boy and tries to urge him into doing it for him.
Peter: Come on. Do math.

84. - Saving Private Brian

85. - Whistle While Your Wife Works

  • When the opening sequence went horribly wrong...
  • A lot of the dumb things Jillian says.
    Jillian: I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
  • Jillian's Girl Posse. They make Jillian look like a genius by comparison.
  • Anything involving Buzz Killington.
    So who wants to hear a good story about a bridge? (everyone facepalms)
  • Peter's new porn hiding place.
  • Stewie's reinterpreted lyrics to "Cars" by Gary Numan.
    Brian had sex/With a really dumb girl/Now he's taking his friend Stewie/To get some ice cream/In his car—(Brian turns the radio off) Oh, you're a poor sport.

86. - Prick Up Your Ears

  • The Opal Ring Crusade.
    "He's sitting informally like us! Let's hear what he has to say."
  • Peter saying he'll be as untouched as the turn signal on an Asian woman's car. Unfortunately, it's only on the DVD and [adult swim] version. The version shown on FOX, syndication, and Netflix has a different scene where Peter mispronounces "abstinent" as "obstinate" and "absinthe" and grounds Meg when she corrects him.
  • Peter teaching Sex Ed by repeatedly smashing a Rainbow Brite doll into a bust of William Shakespeare.
  • To attract the Tooth Fairy, Stewie steals Herbert's false teeth while he's dreaming about being invited to dance with Fred Savage. When he finds that they're not real, he puts them on his lip and pretends that he's Gary Busey.
    Stewie: Brian, Brian, look, I'm Gary Busey. I'm frequently aggressive in situations that don't call for it.

87. - Chick Cancer

  • Chester Cheetah, the exemplar of cool:
    (Chester's run-down apartment, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing; Chester chops up a pile of Cheetos with a razor blade like it was cocaine...and then snorts a line of it.)
    Chester: (snort) OHHHHHH! GOD, THERE IS NO FUCKING DRUMMER BETTER THAN NEAL PEART! (slams his fist into the glass table, shattering it; regards his now glass-strewn hand nonchalantly) It ain't easy being cheezy.
  • Peter's chick flick Steel Vaginas.
    • WE GOTTA GET THIS WOMAN TO SURGERY TIME, RIGHT STAT NOW!
    • Joe's "fake legs" (seemingly ripped from an NES game) in said scene.
    • Joe's reaction to the finished movie: "Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I've ever seen." "My ass is actually sore. My ass is actually sore." (even funnier is that the line was AD-LIBBED by Patrick Warburton!)
  • When Stewie and Olivia start dating, they spend the day together and leave before dark because the area they're in is dangerous at night. We then see a lion and a robot fight each other.
  • The "Look at my kids" scene.

88. - Barely Legal

  • The Wiz Shout-Out with a large number of black people randomly dancing in the streets after Mayor West sends the entire police department to Colombia to "rescue" a fictional character from Romancing the Stone, a movie from fifteen years ago.
  • The A plot is Meg falling in love with Brian whilst his attempts to reject her just don't get through to her. One of the ways he tries to get out of a relationship with her is pretending he's homosexual.
    Brian: "I saw this penis on the Internet the other day, and I thought to myself; 'Well that's...that's just fine.'"
    • Later in the same scene:
      Brian: "I have plans with Chris. We're gonna do...uh...what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon."
      Chris: "Masturbate?"
      Brian: "Masturbate, we're gonna masturbate together!note 
      Chris: "Well, maybe back-to-back, but I gotta tell you, I ain't 100% on this."
  • "Say whip." "Whip." "Now say Cool Whip." "Coo' Hwip." "Cool Whip!" "Coo' Hwhip." "You're eating hair!" *spit*
    • "Just relax. We're gonna be here for a hwhile!"
    • "Brian, you're acting hweird!"
      • "Oh, COME ON! That one doesn't even have an H in it!"
  • When Peter and Lois find Meg after she's kidnapped Brian:
    Lois: Brian, she's a teenager!
    Peter: Yeah, Brian, you're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that oriental guynote  that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
    Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought because I'm going to explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.
  • "Do you have the hwhip?"

89. - Road to Rupert

90. - Peter's Two Dads

  • The time Mother Teresa OD'd in Stewie's car.
    Random Guy #1: She is messed up, man!
    Stewie: Shut up, Just shut up and let me fuckin' think!
    (Stewie drives for a few seconds, then stops)
    Stewie: Push her out!
    Random Guy #2: We can't leave her alone!
    Stewie: PUSH THE BITCH OUT!
  • After Francis died, Peter buried him in a pet cemetery and he inexplicably burst out of the ground, prompting Peter to beat him with his shovel.
  • The time Peter got stuck behind Robert Loggia at the airport.
  • After Peter smokes crack (which he bought from a white guy selling it at Black's Hardware Store) to keep from drinking: "Gubment came and took my baaaaaaaaaby!"
    • Brian's reaction to Peter smoking crack sells it:
    Brian: Peter, what're you doing?!
    Peter: Crack.
    Brian: What the FUCK?!

91. - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou

92. - Airport '07

  • Peter eats half of a Fudgesicle in one bite, and proceeds to cry out in agony until his head explodes.
  • Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for rednecks.
    Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four bil—
    Redneck narrator: —Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
    Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by—
    Redneck narrator: —Gooooooooooooooooooood.
    Sagan: —big bang. If you look at the bones of a—
    Redneck narrator: —Jesus—
    Sagan: —saurus rex, it's clear, by the use of carbon-dating that—
    Redneck narrator: —Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
  • Peter spits some chewing tobacco into a cup, which Stewie mistakes for his cup of apple juice. Brian tries to warn him that it's not, only to let him drink it after remembering the beating that Stewie gave him in "Patriot Games", and upon drinking it Stewie spits it out and screams. Peter then spits more tobacco in Stewie's mouth, making him scream louder.
  • While no one on Quagmire's plane is killed by it crashing, Channel 5 shows a visualization of the plane crashing into a school and the children running out on fire, then the plane crashing into a school for bunnies and the bunnies running out on fire, then the same thing as the second, but one passenger survives and takes it out on his wife, who asks if it's because she overcooked her roast.
  • What happens when you date a hot girl with a bad laugh? Well...

93. - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey

  • When Bill visits Peter in the hospital, Peter confuses him with Ronald Reagan.
  • Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Conway Twitty. The first time, anyway.
  • The Chuck E. Cheese sequence.
  • The cutaway of Brian giving Lois a dead bird for Christmas, which she's revolted by. Chris is more receptive of Brian's gift to him, a dead cat, which he names Stickyhead.
  • When Brian is unable to learn how to use the toilet, Lois makes him wear a diaper.
  • After Peter and Lois reconcile:
    Carter: Why are you naked inside my house?
    Peter: Uhh...why aren't you?
    Carter: (Beat) You're alright, Griffin.

94. - No Meals on Wheels

  • "Decoys, Lois. Decoys!"
  • Peter adopts puppies.
  • Peter, after saying goodbye to Ben Stiller, watches him flying away to the sunset, and says, deeply touched: "His movies are terrible."
  • "Men, form up Cripple-Tron!"
  • Ben Stiller and his giant ears.
    Peter: Ben Stiller, help me!
    Ben: No, Peter. I heard what you said about my movies.
    Peter: How?
    Ben: Uh, HELLO!
    Peter: Go to hell, you mutant offspring of comedy people.
  • The seemingly never-ending theme song to Maude is a hilarious Overly Long Gag. "Whew, that was an ordeal."
  • "M.C. Escher."
  • Peter is approached by a wheelchair-bound Vietnam vet, who tells him, "I've seen some things, man, and I've seen some stuff. I wouldn't recommend it!"
  • At the end of the episode, Peter apologizes to Joe about giving he and his wheelchair buddies a hard time, since he now knows what it's like being in a wheelchair. Joe accepts the apology and asks Peter if he wants to watch Grey's Anatomy with he and Bonnie. Peter replies, "Oh, boy, Joe, I... I got to tell you, that... that... that sounds awful." End of episode.

95. - Boys Do Cry

  • Jake Tucker's audition for church organist. He needs the music sheet to be upside-down.
  • Everything about the Super Devil.

96. - No Chris Left Behind

97. - It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One

  • The Legion of Doom scene:
    Lex Luthor: How did she (Lois) discover our plan?
    Solomon Grundy: Me, Solomon Grundy, kind of dropped the ball on that one.
  • Peter's cowboy song (both the edited version where Peter says they're having "cowboy gay sex" and the original version, which was "cowboy butt sex")
  • The Griffins' previous family trip, when they were on the price climbing game on The Price is Right (the one with the yodeling paper doll).
  • Brian and Stewie go berry-picking, and Stewie remarks that "once every hundred years in this spot, Donny Most rises from the mist." Cue Donny himself slowly emerging from the mist, complete with a gigantic background chorus singing about his role on Happy Days, all to the tune of the title number from Brigadoon. What makes it even better is that they got Most himself to do his single line:
    Chorus: Donny Most...Donny Most...he was Ralph on Happy Days. Donny Most...DONNNN-EEEE MOOOOST! Now he rises from the haze...
    Donny Most: Actually, it's Don Most now.
    (He slowly descends back into the mist)
    Chorus: Donny Most...Donny Most...SUNDAY, MONDAY, HAPPY DAYS!
  • The guys talking about their work on Lois' campaign.
    Peter: Boy, you guys, I really appreciate all the help you've given us. Expect for you, Quagmire, you ain't done nothing.
    Quagmire: What the hell are you talkin' about? Lois is gonna get the entire female vote because of me. I've been having sex with every woman in town nonstop for the past two days. My God, if I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word "bang" on it.note 
  • Lois taking Brian out for a car ride.
    Brian: (Sees another dog in another car) Hey, hey, Lois! Lois! There's another dog in that car! Lois! Hey, hey! Other dog! FUCK YOU!
  • "Go ahead, mock me. But it wasn't Stewie who was laughing at me... IT WAS GOD!"

98. - Meet the Quagmires

  • After Brian's rendition of "Never Gonna Give You Up", it cuts to a shot of the audience, standing still and gaping. After a few seconds, we hear a random person say, "I didn't like any of that." It's just the way he says it that makes it so funny.
  • When it looks like Peter fixed the timeline, it turns out that he's now in a Close-Enough Timeline where Roger Smith lives with the Griffins, asking who ate all the pecan sandies.
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     Season Six 

99. - Blue Harvest

100. - Movin' Out (Brian's Song)

101. - Believe It or Not, Joe's Walking on Air

  • To build his men's club, Peter took out a huge portion of the wall of Stewie's room. Stewie is alarmed and says that he doesn't like change.
  • Herbert at his stand singing "YMCA".
  • In the Men's Club, Peter realizes he's sick of constantly talking about sex and tries to find a new, somewhat off-kilter topic.
    Peter: Okay look, how about this: who would you rather start a small business with? Janet Reno after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name Is Earl?
    Quagmire: That still sounds like a sex question.
    Peter: It is not.
    Quagmire: Well then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?
    Cleveland: What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?
    Peter: 650.
    Cleveland: That's not bad.
    Joe: Better than mine.
    Cleveland: Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?
    Peter: He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.
    Quagmire: I'd have to give it to Janet Reno, because I've always had this business plan for home delivery of prescription medications, and that seems more her market.
    Joe: (fed up) This is stupid, I wanna talk about VAGINAS!
  • For Joe's surgery, Dr. Hartman puts on an instructional video starring Jamie Farr.
    Farr: Hi, I'm Jamie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery. First off, what's your name?
    Dr. Hartman: Dr. Hartman.
    Farr: Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal".
    Joe: NOOOOO! (passes out)
  • Peter, Cleveland, and Quagmire try to re-cripple Joe but they only succeed in getting their asses beaten. Then when Bonnie has had enough...
    Joe: Bonnie, what the hell? Put my gun down!
    Bonnie: Not until I have my husband back!
    (Joe runs but Bonnie fires... and the bullet hits Joe's ass)
    Joe: AAH! MY PERFECT ASS!
    Bonnie: Oh, I'm sorry, Joe! I was aiming for your spine.
    (Bonnie shoots twice more, getting Joe's shoulder and upper arm)
    Joe: AH! DAMMIT!
    Bonnie: Joe, I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible shot!
    (Bonnie fires three more times, shooting his thigh, foot, and ear)
    Joe: Oh, for God's sakes! Just gimme the gun! I'll do it myself!
    (Bonnie hands him the gun, he shoots his spine and he collapses)

102. - Stewie Kills Lois

  • Peter listening to "Hello" by Lionel Richie and crying:
    "Oh god, Lionel you have been hurt. You have been hurt by somebody that much is clear. Who hurt you? (whispering and rocking back and forth) Who hurt you? Whohurtyouwhohurtyou?"
  • When Peter and Lois leave on their cruise: BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE! BYE!
  • While thinking to himself how he's gotten away with murder, Stewie notices the echo, so he makes the most of it: "Piiiiigs In Spaaaace!"
  • Not knowing that Lois is presumed dead, Chris says that the last time he saw her was when she took him back to school shopping. We're treated to Chris talking to Joe, who is dressed as Lois:
    Joe: Alright, sweetie, you ready to get some new notebooks, and protractors, and slacks?
    Chris: I want blue jeans.
    Joe: You're getting SLACKS!
  • When it becomes apparent to Brian that Stewie was responsible for Lois's death, Stewie creepily rotates his head until it gets stuck turned on its left side. From that angle, he can hear Meg in her room, about to, in her words, pretend that a pack of frozen hot dogs is the Knicks.note 
  • The judge has had enough of the Kool-Aid Man interrupting court proceedings:
    Judge: Okay. Can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh, no!" in this courtroom? 'Cause the fuckin' Kool-Aid guy's gonna keep showin' up! Thank you.

103. - Lois Kills Stewie

104. - Padre de Familia

  • At the Veteran's Day parade, Peter gets to try "The John McCain Experience", where a Vietnamese man pokes him with a stick as he whines that he wants to be president.
  • Peter's reaction to finding out he's Mexican. Watch it here.
    Peter: *Laughs* Looks like I got myself in a bind, how will I get outta this one? Stay tuned, *sings* 'cause we got Cleveland and Quagmire and Joe and Mort, AND ALL YOUR CARTOON PAAAAALLS!

105. - Peter's Daughter

106. - McStroke

  • When Peter's new mustache gets burned off, the next day he replaces it with Brian duct taped to his face.
  • After Peter crashes his car by a river while having a stroke, a rowing crew goes by.
    Coxswain: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
    Peter: Stop mocking me!

107. - Back to the Woods

  • Brian showing Stewie 2girls1cup.
    Stewie: Oh, I'm never going to be able to eat ice cream aga-OH MY GOD!!
  • When Peter is being arrested for trespassing on James Woods's territory (who is posing as Peter), Joe tells him to strip:
    Joe: Take 'em off, right down to the poop sack. (awkward looks from Peter and James Woods) ...You don't all wear a poop sack? DAMMIT BONNIE, YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!!!
  • Peter steals James Woods' identity and gets revenge by ruining his career. He does so by announcing "his" new comedy, September 11th: Two Thousand FUN.
    Peter (posing as James Woods): "I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window of the World Trade Center. And whaddya think I see comin'? A plane. And I go, 'Come on!' I-it's real old style comedy, you know? It's like two pies in the face...and one in a field in Pennsylvania."

108. - Play It Again, Brian

  • Herbert reads to Chris a bedtime story, and whistles a Peter and the Wolf tune. After a short pause, Chris finally asks him: "Are you a pedophile?"
  • Peter watches BET's newest earth science program, "Damn, nature! You scary." (from 0:59)

109. - The Former Life of Brian

  • The Cutaway Gag involving the "two foreign guys down at the coffee shop who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American," which somehow resembles a purely dialogue-based version of the Uncanny Valley.
    Guy 1: Oh man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque. They played one of my audience requests.
    Guy 2: Way awesome! I myself drank like five liters of beer. Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man.
    Guy 1: Oh you said it, friend, but I wanted to stay, because I almost had sex on this girl.
    Guy 2: Oh yeah, but it was so expensive. Each drink was like six dollars-forty!
  • There's something strangely funny when Brian's potential date said that magic is sexy. But the real laughs came when Peter dresses up as Count Dracula with a big groin (Count Crotchula) for Halloween:
    Brian: Peter, that costume doesn't make any sense.
    Peter (defensively): Don't stifle my creativity!
  • "My pot! Your pot?"
  • I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
    Peter: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shuttin' your vag.
    Lois: What?
    Peter: What?

110. - Long John Peter

  • "Anna took a dump on me!"
  • When Chris sees Anna for the first time, he imagines himself singing "Crazy for You", with Cleveland, Joe, Quagmire and Mort randomly popping up to provide background vocals.
  • Peter meets a parrot at the vet and steals it, then replaces it with a small dog and gives the dog a mustache and top hat.
  • When Peter introduces his friends to his new pet parrot "Adrian Beaky".
    Parrot: Pick a lane, bitch.
    Peter: Ha-ha, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.
    Parrot: I have to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?
    Peter: (laughs)
    Parrot: I had a gay experience at camp.
    Peter: (laughs nervously) We had the radio on and they were talkin' about some goofy stuff.
  • At one of Chris' dates, Peter sings a nonsensical rendition of "Land Down Under" ("Look at me with a brand new Hyundai!")
  • In order to have an excuse to see Anna at the vet, Chris injures Brian by whacking him with a chair.
    Brian: Is there any coffee brewing?
    (smash)

    Chris: Anna, I'm here with my dog. He's not feeling to well.
    Brian: (severely disfigured) Fuck. You.
    • This is followed by Brian collapsing onto the floor and Stewie kicking him in the gut.

     Season Seven 

111. - Love, Blactually

  • When Brian is very clearly lying about thinking Loretta is beautiful, his nose steadily grows Pinocchio-style.

112. - I Dream of Jesus

113. - Road to Germany

  • Stewie's European See 'n Say.
    See 'n Say: The cow says: "Shazoo!"
    Stewie: It most certainly does not!
    • Leading to a Brick Joke later, after the time machine.
    Brian: Where are we?
    Cow: Shazoo!
    Stewie: Looks like we're in Europe.

114. - Baby Not On Board

  • The part with the tropical birds. "My tropical bird collection, just in case." "Just in case WHAT? We're not gonna need a dozen tropical birds." "Oh, I was not aware that you could see the future, Lois. Can I go ahead and get tomorrow's lottery number? Stupid woman."
  • When Peter and Quagmire call each other from their cars, then they think someone is in front of (or behind) them and do things to each other. So Peter and Quagmire pull over...and start beating each other up!

115. - The Man With Two Brians

  • The ending. You can see New Brian slowly pressing Stewie's Berserk Button hard enough to break the console. The cut to the aftermath is purely supplementary by the end of it.

116. - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing

  • Peter must repeat the third grade and, as such, must attend show and tell. One girl shows the class her Malibu Barbie doll.
    Peter: Oh, my god. Who the hell cares?
  • When Peter talks to the Human Resources guy, he - in mid-conversation - gets crushed by a piano. What Peter says is the real kicker:

117. - Ocean's Three and a Half

118. - Family Gay

  • Lois sends Peter to buy a single can of beans. He comes back with a horse that he got cheap because it's retarded.
    • When Lois begrudgingly lets Peter keep the horse:
    Peter: You'll see. This horse will make a fine addition to our family.
    Horse: (pisses itself) .
    Peter: You know what, I don't want him to feel self-conscious. Everybody pee.
    Lois: Peter, we...
    Peter: Everybody pee, NOW!
    Stewie: We're an unusual family.
    • The sheer, unfiltered bit of Crosses the Line Twice when Peter enters the horse in a race and the announcer describes it running down people in the stands, then trampling a class of deaf second-graders, then Peter declares the race over when it kills a woman's baby.
    • After the race, Peter tries to get rid of the horse by throwing it through the window of Mort's pharmacy. Mort laments that it used to just be a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note.
  • As part of the experiments he signs up for, Peter is injected with a squirrel gene, then with a "Seth Rogen gene", which the doctor claims will give him the appearance of being funny, even though he hasn't actually done anything funny. His voice changes to that of the real Rogen and he grows a hairstyle and beard to match.
  • When the gay gene wears off while Peter is in the middle of an "11-way", he runs out of his lover's apartment naked, then runs back to grab the two bundles of pink balloons he bought.
  • At the end of the episode, Mort throws the horse through the Griffins' window.
    Mort: Take back your fucking horse!

119. - The Juice Is Loose

120. - FOX-y Lady

121. - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

  • After being outed as an atheist, Brian's Prius gets thrown through the front wall of the Griffin house.
    Brian: I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.
    Peter: Ha!

122. - 420

  • Peter's list of celebrities he doesn't like. Apparently he really hates Chris Martin, to the point that he not only lists him twice, but goes on to list "Chris Martin's parents" and "Chris Martin's ancestors". The list also refers to Rainn Wilson as "the forehead guy from The Office".

123. - Stew-Roids

124. - We Love You, Conrad

  • Lindsay Lohan taking a DUI rap for Mr. Magoo.
    It'll be my 3rd strike! I can't go to prison, they'll rape me! And I'll never see them coming, I won't.

125. - Three Kings

A. Stand by Me

  • Naturally, the dead body the boys went to find is revealed to be Meg's. On inspecting it, Cleveland's character declares "He's nasty."

B. Misery

  • Peter's stab at Joaquin Phoenix.
    "Welcome back, and Joaquin Phoenix if you're still watching, thanks for being a sport. You passed our test, and you can be our friend."
  • When Stewie (Annie) gets upset about Brian's (Paul) Ass Pull explaining how the character in his book series came back to life after he killed him off:
    Stewie: No, no, no. This won't do, Paul. You can't just have Snuggly Jeff magically brought back to life by a child's wish. It's insulting to the reader.
    Brian: What do you mean?
    Stewie: Well, it's just bad storytelling. Let's see. How can I explain this to you? Did you ever see the movie Contact?
    Brian: Yeah.
    Stewie: (becoming increasingly irate) So, like, they spent a trillion dollars building this mile-high space machine, and Jake Busey blows it up. So now they're all like, "Oh, no! We can't use the space machine." But then this other guy's like, "Hey, it just so happens I built another, identical trillion-dollar space machine at my own expense on the other side of the world." And we're supposed to believe no one noticed that? Well, I stood up in the theater, and I said, "No! You can't go into space because the machine already got blown up by Jake cockadoody Busey!" Start over!
  • Following the Running Gag of Joe's character in each segment having functioning legs until they're rendered inoperable, Stewie shoots his legs with a shotgun.
    Joe: My legs! Now I'm gonna have to spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair!
    Stewie: No, you're not. (shoots Joe to death)

C. The Shawshank Redemption

  • Near the end:
    Peter (in letter): If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. You remember the name of the town, don't you?
    Cleveland: (Beat) CRAP!!

126. - Peter's Progress

     Season Eight 

127. - Road to the Multiverse

  • An attraction at the state fair is a "half-man, half-clam", but when the Griffins come out of the tent Peter complains that it was just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.
  • Chris winning a Camp Gay man as a prize from the pitching booth.
  • At the "guess your weight" booth, the carny running it guesses that Mayor West is 185 lbs. As it turns out he's only 15 lbs. because he's 95% helium, then he flies off and grabs a stuffed animal on the way.
  • Stewie wins a pig competition using a muscular super-pig he got from another universe. The pig simply says "Oink." in a deep voice and punches Brian in the face.
  • The first universe Brian and Stewie go to is one where the world is more advanced because Christianity was never invented. Quagmire, after having sex with a married woman, finds that he got AIDS, which in that universe is easily curable by just taking Tylenol.
  • Disney-esque Family Guy. That is all.
  • Or for that matter, Family Guy Robot Chicken style:
    Stewie: "So, how does it feel to be on a major network for thirty seconds?"
    Chris: "Fuck you!"
    • Made all the funnier when you realize who voices who.
  • When Brian and Stewie are a real baby and a real dog.
  • Brian and Stewie arrive in a universe full of fire hydrants. Brian says he loves it, Stewie says he hates it. Then they arrive in a universe full of gay men, and they have the opposite opinion.
  • In the universe where dogs own humans, Stewie says under his breath that he hopes the next universe he and Brian go to is all Koreansnote .

128. - Family Goy

  • The sequence where Quagmire discovers internet porn. It was good for a twofer: first, there's the scene in the bar where you realize Quagmire, the pervert extraordinaire, has no idea that porn can be found on the internet, because he thought the internet was the same in the present as it was in the 90s. Then the scene later on where Peter sees him again after a long time...and he's got an absolutely massive left arm, making it canon that Quagmire is left-handed.
  • When Quagmire thought he was getting the spin-off.
    "See ya later, bitches! With your stupid fuckin' Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty — Hey, why's there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?"
  • Lois wakes up to find that Peter tied her to a crudely-made wooden cross, then notices that it's made out of the pieces of Stewie's crib. Cut to Stewie lying on the floor of his room with the leftover pieces around him.
    Stewie: I hate it here.
  • Peter fires at Lois with a sniper rifle and barely misses, then fires it at Mort. Mort doesn't mind because it's how people greet him, and Joe shoots at him from offscreen.

129. - Spies Reminiscent of Us

  • When faced with a Potty Emergency, Peter tries to use Joe's toilet but finds that it's operated by a complex pulley system designed for Joe's disability. When he sees that there's two, Joe tells him that the second is for draining blood.
  • During the end credits, the trigger phrase that activated Mayor West's brainwashing also works on Meg. She talks to someone on the phone in Russian, to which the person on the other end tells her "Shut up, 2476."

130. - Brian's Got a Brand New Bag

131. - Hannah Banana

  • Chris tries to record the Evil Monkey coming out of his closet at night. What he gets instead is footage of Peter and Quagmire pulling the "hand in a bowl of warm water" prank on him followed by Quagmire punching him in the eye, Lois stealing some money from his wallet, and Herbert painting him in the style of "The Birth of Venus".
  • When Chris finally captures the Monkey, Meg says that she thought she was the only one and reveals a much more vicious-looking monkey on a leash. Peter says that they're just doing Chris's monkey.
  • The montage of Chris and the Monkey bonding includes them coming out of Meg's closet to scare her and she jumps out of her window in response, then them fishing where they find, kill, and eat Aquaman.
  • When Peter and Chris have a falling out, Peter disguises himself as Chris and tells several of his schoolmates that he's gay. Chris retaliates by baiting Peter with a hat on a table placed between two logs. When Peter tries to get the hat, Chris cuts the rope and the logs come loose and crush Peter's head.
    Peter: (indifferent to his head having been crushed into a bloody mess) Who's laughing now? I got my hat.
  • When the robot Miley Cyrus goes on a rampage from Stewie crossing her wires, the Monkey asks her to stop what she's doing, not just there, but also her show and music.
  • After Miley is defeated:
    Stewie: You know, Brian, here's your shot. Go for it. [Miley explodes] Too late.
    [her hand falls from the sky]
    Brian: No, it's not.
  • At the end of the episode, the Monkey moves into Jake Tucker's closet. Jake tells Tom, but Tom says that he just doesn't care.

132. - Quagmire's Baby

  • Peter's Palestinian alarm clock.
  • From the subplot:
    Clone!Brian: Hey, Brian! Knock-knock!
    Brian: Uh, who's there?
    Clone!Brian: (farts)
  • Peter, Joe, and Quagmire go to a strip club to make Quagmire feel better about giving his daughter away. Quagmire leaves and Peter and Joe deal with a teacher stripper... who really gets into her work.

133. - Jerome Is the New Black

  • The London Gentlemen's Club. Basically, imagine three guys just sitting around reading newspapers, communicating entirely in throat-clearing for about a full minute.
    • Also the fact that it gets progressively louder and then quieter.
  • Joe's parrot:
    Joe: Peter, don't ruin this like you ruined my parrot.
    (in cutaway)
    Joe: (showing Peter a parrot) I just got it today!
    Peter: (suddenly leans towards the parrot) CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE CRIPPLE.
    Parrot: Cripple!
    Joe: Dammit!
  • Jerome's admission that he had "nasty-ass sex" with Meg. And the fact that Peter doesn't care.

134. - Dog Gone

  • The absolutely masterful Brick Joke that is the father from The Family Circus.
    Brian: Lois was right. I'm not a writer. I'm a joke. I'm one big, fat, ridiculous joke.
    Bill from Family Circus: Well, maybe you just didn't try hard enough, Brian.
    Brian: ...You know what, Father from Family Circus? All you do is judge other people. Every day, in the funnies, all you do is judge. Why don't you shut your goddamn mouth for once and go home and fuck your wife in the face?!
    Bill from Family Circus: You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. (He gets up and leaves)
    (One commercial break later, Peter is reading a newspaper and...)
    Peter: This is a very shocking Family Circus...

135. - Business Guy

  • "I'm having a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack! You oughta know by now!"
  • Hugh Laurie as Dr. House.
    Dr. House: House.
    Peter: Road House.
    Dr. House: That too.
    • Just about every scene with House. The literal version of him not playing by the rules, reviving the Road House gag, and him speaking in Laurie's natural, upper-class British accent after his "Scooby-Doo" Hoax is exposed.
  • Carter happens to have several Video Wills ready for various specific situations that would result in him being dead or otherwise unable to run his company:
    • He auto-erotically asphyxiated himself and died when the rope wasn't cut when he climaxed.
    • The train wasn't able to push the DeLorean up to 88 miles per hour and he's stuck in 1885.
    • He was eaten by sharks while snorkeling.
    • He was stabbed to death in a restroom at Toys 'R' Us.
    • He slipped on a 1940s roller skate in a hallway and presumably fell down the stairs.
    • Death by chocolate. He laughs to himself at how ridiculous that sounds but tells the cameraman to leave it in.
  • The African-American heart monitor.
    • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah." (flatline) "Aw, he dead." And in the same episode:
      • "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's aight."
      • (Carter spazzing out and machine vocalizing) "GHOST DAD!"
  • The German Bedtime Story is hilarious for anyone familiar with the real thing.
  • Peter making Carter invite everyone to his house to watch The Big Bang Theory.

136. - Big Man on Hippocampus

  • Stewie's answers, while Lois is playing Fast Money round on Family Feud, especially his fourth answer.
    Richard Dawson: Name something you sit in.
    Lois: A chair.
    Stewie: My own feces.
    Dawson: Name a popular fruit.
    Lois: Orange.
    Stewie: Clay Aiken.
    Dawson: Something in your closet.
    Lois: Shoes.
    Stewie: Scary monsters.
    Dawson: Your favorite holiday.
    Lois: Christmas.
    Stewie: 9/11.
    Dawson: Something you do on the weekends.
    Lois: Go to church.
    Stewie: Black guys.
  • "You film buffs might enjoy this. Both [Peter O'Toole's] first and last names are slang for penis."
  • Stewie being traumatized after Peter's attempt to change his diaper results in him putting it up Stewie's ass.
    Stewie: How am I going to get it out? I'd have to poop a diaper... into a diaper. That's how you end up in another dimension!
  • In one cutaway, a man on a plane is trying to quiet his crying baby, only to start crying himself when the pilot announces that the in-flight movie is Hancock.

137. - Dial Meg for Murder

  • The Take That! at "Not All Dogs Go to Heaven", especially the Goofy part. "Be careful Brian. Not all dogs go to heaven."
  • The scene where a breeding bull rapes Peter.
    Bull: Where you going, fatty? We're gonna have a party!

138. - Extra Large Medium

139. - Go, Stewie, Go!

  • When Meg enters and sees Lois seducing Meg's new boyfriend.
    Lois: Um...rape?

140. - Peter-assment

141. - Brian Griffin's House of Payne

142. - April in Quahog

  • Peter does crystal meth twice, and so does Brian at the end.
    Peter: I am SO fucking ready! (jumps through Stewie's ceiling)
    Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling you let in an owl. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw up half-digested mice.
    • Later, Brian enters the house high on crystal meth, saying he just found the greatest stuff in the trash.
  • Adam West making an angry letter to the black hole before donning a fishbowl helmet and jetpack, flying into space and punching the Orion constellation. It then turns into the Orion Pictures logo.
    Adam West: That's right! You're nothing but a failed production company!
  • Peter thinks the world is ending, so he decides to go to a black neighborhood and shout out the N-word. The next scene has Lois in the kitchen when Peter walks up with a crown, ermine cape, scepter, and a sash reading "King of the Black People".
    Peter: They respected me for it.
  • Why Peter got kicked out of Coldplay: "Guys, guys, I got an idea! How 'bout we do a song that's not whiny bullcrap?"

143. - Brian & Stewie

144. - Quagmire's Dad

145. - The Splendid Source

146. - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side

  • The Star Wars-esque intro credits referencing 20th Century Fox's money-making decisions:
    Are you listening, stockholders? How can you invest in a company that makes such short-sighted decisions? I mean, this is the same company that cancelled "Family Guy" twice. Who's running that joint? Monkeys? I mean, if they're gonna be that foolish with their money, then I guess that means we can be foolish with their money, too. Like spending a bunch of it to animate a computer-generated elephant that has nothing to do with the rest of the episode. (cue appearance of CGI elephant) Did you see that? Know what that cost? $58,000.
  • This scene featuring Luke's snowspeeder gunner, Dack.
    Dack: Feeling okay, sir?
    Luke (Chris): Just like new. How about you, Dack?
    Dack: I feel like I could take on the whole empire myself.
    Luke (Chris): Really? 'Cause that would be awesome. Hey, everyone, Dack says he's got this one!
    Dack: You know it, bitches! (flies off to face the incoming fleet of Star Destroyers) Hey, Imperial fleet, get ready to suck some Dack! (is immediately destroyed by one shot from a Star Destroyer)

147. - Partial Terms of Endearment

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