Follow TV Tropes

Following

Funny / Family Guy: Seasons 1 to 3

Go To

    open/close all folders 

     Season One 

1. - Death Has a Shadow

2. - I Never Met the Dead Man

  • The entirety of Stewie's war against broccoli.
    Stewie: (after Lois tries to get him to eat it by pretending it's an airplane) Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
  • Peter's trip to the American Southwest:
    Peter: Ah geez, did I just hit that ostrich?
    Wile E. Coyote: No.
    Peter: Are you sure?
    Wile E. Coyote: Yeah, he's fine. Keep going.
  • While Peter is teaching Meg how to drive, they get into a race with an Amish man who jumps out of his carriage when a wheel comes loose and it careens off the road. It explodes like a real car, then the horse that was pulling it follows suit. Peter then criticizes Meg for not flipping the driver off.
  • The new FOX reality show: Fast Animals, Slow Children.
  • This Scooby-Doo parody, made even more hilarious because it's actually Frank Welker voicing Fred.
  • Tom and Diane saying politically incorrect things now that the news isn't broadcast in Quahog, before the director tells them that they're still on the air in Boston.
  • In a cutaway of Meg being born, the doctor informs Peter that she's a girl. Peter, who was evidently hoping for a boy and is carrying a bunch of sporting equipment, asks him to check again.
  • When Brian scoffs at Peter claiming to give up TV cold turkey, he reminds him of the time Peter tried to give up eating candy...in Willy Wonka's factory:
    Wonka: I'll ask you one more time. Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
    Peter: (swollen up and blue like Violet in the movie) No.
    Wonka: I'm just asking—
    Peter: What, are you calling me a liar?
    Wonka: No, I'm just saying—
    Peter: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
  • The cutaway of a young Peter trying to sneak into an R-rated movie disguised as a shrub.
  • At the Bavarian Folk Festival, there are two booths selling German bratwurst and Polish sausage. Suddenly, the bratwurst vendor knocks the sausage vendor out and steals his stand, then a nearby vendor selling Czech wieners looks uncomfortable.

3. - Chitty Chitty Death Bang

4. - Mind Over Murder

  • Stewie crying out in pain from teething, and Lois' nonchalant reaction to it.
    Stewie: *Yelling from his bed* DAMN IT TO THE BOWELS OF BLOODY HELL!
    Lois: *In the living room* Well, the baby's up.
  • Bert as Sipowitz, bare-assed and all.
    Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
    Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn bed!

5. - A Hero Sits Next Door

  • Peter's pitch for a new toy: Facts of Life Transformers. His figure of Blair has two alt modes, one where she's simply fatter and one where she's a radioactive scorpion. He also claims to have invented one of Natalie that turns into a dilophosaurus from Jurassic Park and one of Tootie that turns into a stinkbug.
  • "Holy crip, he's a crapple!"
  • This exchange:
    Baseball Player 1: Hey, you want some gum?
    Baseball Player 2: Sure, thanks!
    Baseball Player 1: Ha ha, that was joke gum!
    Baseball Player 2: Whaddya mean?
    Baseball Player 1: Now you're addicted to heroin!
    (both laugh)
    Baseball Player 2: (starts shivering) I-I'm cold...

6. - The Son Also Draws

  • Peter drives the family to New York. Sadly for him, he had a prune smoothie before he left. Worse, the world seems to want to remind him that: They pass by sign saying "Dump, next left," a truck with the sign "WIDE LOAD," a furniture store with sign saying "All stools must go!", another car with bumper sticker saying "I love my Shih Tzu", and a sign reading "Only 15 Miles to Bob's House of Feces."
  • "Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits! It says 'OOOOO'!" "Peter, those are Cheerios."
  • The cutaway of Peter and Chris trying to get into the fair by wearing a horse costume.
    Peter: One, please.
    (Chris, the tail end, sneezes)
    Ticket salesman: Hey wait a second, your ass just sneezed! And horses can't talk! No no no, nothing about this adds up at all!
  • "We're off! Those scouts are never gonna know what hit them! *reverses into the car behind* And, uh... neither will that guy. *drives off the right way*
  • One of the singing trees in the hallucination taking out a lighter and accidentally burning down the forest.
    Tree: Stupid bastard!

7. - Brian: Portrait of a Dog

  • At the dog show, when the announcer points out how hot it is, a bird bursts into flames.
  • "What did you see? Was it breasts?"
  • With Brian gone, the Griffins get a cat at Stewie's suggestion. Naturally, it's pretty mean.
    Peter: (as the cat pulls on his eyelids) "God. I. Hate. This. Freaking. Cat."
  • In jail, Brian's cellmate is a non-sentient dog who wants to kill him. Brian distracts him to perform a Groin Attack, only to find that he's been neutered.
  • To save Brian from being executed, Peter mails Richard Dean Anderson a rubber band, a paper clip and a straw so he can MacGyver a solution. Anderson uses them to make a sort of slingshot and hits himself in the eye with the rubber band.

     Season Two 

8. - Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

9. - Holy Crap

  • Being a devout Catholic, Francis has never liked the fact that Lois is Protestant; in a flashback of Peter and Lois after their wedding, it's shown that under the "Just Married" sign on their limousine, he taped a sign adding "To a Protestant whore".
  • As Francis was never around for Peter during the latter's childhood, a flashback shows Peter having gotten 3rd place in a father-son three-legged race that he had to run with a stalk of corn.
  • After Francis lulls Stewie to sleep by reading him a passage of the Bible, Brian brings up God telling Abraham to kill Isaac. We're treated to Abraham Lincoln shooting Isaac Hayes to death, causing a woman nearby to gasp in shock.
  • Francis is grilling Peter on how well he knows his Bible. When he asks what book of the Bible he likes, Peter says "Um, the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the Man in the Big Yellow Hat has to take him to the hospital?"
  • The parody of The Dick Van Dyke Show, which involves the main character simply tripping over an ottoman, then falling on a glass table and getting impaled by the shards, getting hit in the face with a clothing iron, stumbling into the kitchen and slipping on a puddle that sends him into the oven, which sets him on fire, falling onto and breaking the kitchen table, opening a drawer and getting his face stabbed with utensils, before finally a car breaks through the wall and runs him over. Francis then changes the channel:
    Lois: Francis, we were watching that.
    Francis: Well, I'll tell you how it ends: Laura burns the roast, and God kills her for parading her bum around in those pants.
  • Superman in Hell:
    Peter: (after seeing Hitler, John Wilkes Booth, and Al Capone sitting alongside Superman) What are you doing here?
    Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet, so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
  • When Peter realizes that The Pope is in town, this happens:

10. - Da Boom

  • The fact that the very apocalypse was a few seconds late from happening. Seriously, count from when Peter finishes his countdown, to when Brian angrily retorts with "A flautist, Peter!" to the family's angry rumblings about Peter's actions to when the apocalypse actually happens.
  • Peter attempting to feed beans to Thomas Magnum through a TV screen, then scolding Higgins when he turns up on screen. Seth MacFarlane has said that this is his favorite moment of the show.
    • It should be worth noting that after a while, Higgins actually glares back at Peter with annoyance.
  • Peter eats an entire year's worth of dehydrated meals and complains that he's still hungry, then drinks a glass of water and expands. He then tells everyone present to leave because he has to poop, but when they don't comply, he yells "NOW!" and they all run away.
  • When a giant mutant rat approaches Joe, who is fused from the waist down to the concrete in his driveway, with the intent to eat him.
    Joe: BRING IT ON!!!!!!!!!
    • The best bit? He shows back up later in the episode, dug up from the asphalt completely unharmed. HE WON.

11. - Brian in Love

  • The cutaway of the Griffins staging an intervention for Peter when he's spent the last eight months wearing a giant foam cowboy hat.
  • When Brian watches The Price Is Right with Bob Barker giving his "spay and neuter your pets" sign-off, Brian mutters "Oh, just die already".
  • Peter looks for a potty-training book for Stewie. The salesman offers him "Everybody Poops" and the less popular "Nobody Poops But You", then when Peter says that he's Catholic, the salesman offers him "You're a Naughty Child and That's Concentrated Evil Coming out the Back of You".
  • Apparently, Peter never learned how to use a toilet by himself until after he got married.
  • "Oh my God! You can talk!"
    • Brian's apathetic reaction to the aforementioned line is even more hilarious.
  • Brian goes skydiving, but before he jumps his instructor realizes that he gave him a parachute bag full of silverware. He gives Brian another bag... with an anvil, which the instructor says is probably fine.
  • Brian has a drive out in the woods, but then accidentally hits a guy coming out of nowhere with his car. When he jumps out to help him:
    Brian: Oh my God! Are you Stephen King?
    Man: No, I'm Dean Koontz.
    Brian: (uninterested) Oh.
    (Brian walks back to his car... then runs over Koontz once more, then backs up and runs him over twice for good measure.)
  • The cutaway of Peter going to a drive-in movie theater, but he has his car parked backward so he can't see the screen and declares "This sucks!"

12. - Love Thy Trophy

13. - Death Is a Bitch

  • When Peter has a breast cancer scare, he refuses to see a doctor and tells Lois that they should just ignore it like they do with the squid. The camera zooms out to show a squid seated at their kitchen table who violently yanks the tablecloth off along with everything on it, which Lois and Peter respectfully pretend was an earthquake and a truck going by.
    • Later when Death tells Peter that he has to take his place until Death's ankle heals, the camera dramatically zooms in on the Griffins, then the squid.
  • Death himself solemnly explains the necessity of dying and brings up the idea of a world if Adolf Hitler was still alive. Cut to Hitler hosting a talk show where he interviews Christian Slater and asks to see his ass, ending in addressing the audience that, if they would like tickets to the show, they should call "213-DU WERDEST EINE KRANKENSCHWESTER BRAUCHEN."

14. - The King Is Dead

  • Peter walks in on Tom Tucker doing a seductive pose to himself in the mirror. Tom repeatedly stammers "Get out of here!" and trips over a chair in the process.
  • Peter's version of The King and I. "I now declare Siam, The United States of America!" (Then everybody sings a song ending with a gratuitous line about Paul Lynde being gay.)
  • "Hey, were you there when I farted?"

15. - I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar

16. - If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'

  • Peter's first attempt to get Gumbel 2 Gumbel un-canceled:
    Peter: Well, until you put Gumbel 2 Gumbel back on the air, I'm going to go on a hunger strike. How about that, huh? Want that on your conscience?
    (Beat)
    Peter: You gonna eat that stapler?
    Executive: You can't eat a stapler...
    Peter: Wanna split it?
  • At a meeting at NBC headquarters, one of the execs protests that everything they come up with is the same generic thing and suggests they come up with something new. In response, the network president beats him to death with a framed poster for Just Shoot Me!
  • Peter's and Chris's "Make a Wish" scam gets out of hand:
    Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
    Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
    (brief pause)
    Peter: Oh, yeah.
  • The scene where the Gumbel brothers are interrogating the purse snatcher, where the one who asked the criminal goes "Mmm-hmm, mm. Mmm-hmm, mm, etc" in an endless loop fashion.
  • One of the things that Peter has his worshippers do for him is letting him use two of them as shoes.
  • The plague of blood occurs while Meg is giving Stewie a bath. Meg is naturally freaked out. Stewie, not so much.
    Stewie: (still playing with his boat) How delightful! It's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble!
  • Brian gets fed up with Peter insisting that there's a rational explanation for the plagues.
    Brian: You want an explanation?! (grabs Peter by the collar and starts slapping him) GOD! IS! PISSED!

17. - Running Mates

  • The montage of Peter's presidential campaign, with highlights such as him accidentally stabbing a guy in the chest with a button and seeing an ugly baby and shaking its hand instead of kissing it.
  • At the debate, Peter can't think of anything for his opening statement, so he quotes the opening theme of Diff'rent Strokes.

18. - A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Bucks

  • Meg and Peter walking along in New York when the background suddenly changes to that of The Flintstones. They look around in absolute confusion before slowly backing away.
  • "Work of art, or container of crazy purple knockout gas?!"
    • He then ends up spraying himself with it.
  • Brian recalling the last time he went to the theater with Peter. The family is seeing Uncle Vanya, but Peter is just staring in disbelief at a scene before finally shouting, "What the hell is this?! For crying out loud, somebody throw a pie!"
  • Meg accidentally calling Big Bird with her bird calls.
    Big Bird: Yeah? Well, whaddya want?
    Meg: Uh...
    Big Bird: You called me, right?
    Meg: Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you.
    Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town, this time of day? Huh?
    Peter: Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.
    Big Bird: I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. (spits) Bitch.

19. - Fifteen Minutes of Shame

20. - Road to Rhode Island

  • "I-I'm not drunk, alright, I just have a speech impediment. (puke) And a stomach virus. (collapse) And an inner ear infection."
  • Stewie takes care of an overly loud drug buy keeping him awake as only he can:
    Stewie: Oh, for God's sake. There's only one way to put an end to this. (yells) He's wearing a wire!
    Dealer: What? You son of a—
    (cue gunshots and the sound of a body falling over. Stewie yawns, rolls over, and goes to sleep)
  • This gem, as they travel in a stolen car.
    Brian: Look, I just need some time to think.
    Stewie: Yes, you've got lots to think about, don't you? Public drunkenness, grand theft auto...
    Brian: You left out the part where I made you smash your head into the windshield.
    Stewie: Well now, funny, I don't recall...
    (Brian slams on the brakes, makes Stewie smash into the windshield)
    Stewie: (gets back up) Yes, well, I suppose I walked right into that one.
  • Brian and Stewie try to get to Brian's old home via a crop duster plane. They try to take off...only to put the plane between two cows, snapping the wings clean off. Stewie's completely deadpan reaction:
    Stewie: Boy, will your face be red when they find the black box on this one.
  • Peter trying to explain to Lois why he bought another "relationship tape" to save their romance.
    Peter: Lois, our relationship cannot be measured in nipples and dimes... I-I mean nickels and boobs... Money! (runs to the bedroom with the tape) I'll be upstairs!
  • Then when Lois catches on:
    Relationship Doctor: And then guess what I'm going to add?
    Peter: Oh, jeez, if she says "Mrs. Dash", I'm gonna lose it.
    Relationship Doctor: I'm going to add—
    (the tape cuts to an angry Lois via static)
    Lois: Peter! (Peter screams) I know what you've been doing, and I'm very upset with you.
    Peter: Wow, usually beautiful women don't turn back into you until after I'm finished.
    Lois: If you wanted to see a woman acting nasty (starts stripping) you shoulda told me.
    • And while Peter and Lois kiss, the former keeps replaying Lois' "you shoulda told me" on the tape.

21. - Let's Go to the Hop

  • Peter describing his experiences with drugs, and how things got "way too real."
  • Peter seeking advice from a poster of Greg Allman:
    Peter: Greg Allman, how did you handle it when life got you down?
    Greg: Me? I did a lot of drugs, married some broad named Cher. I wouldn't recommend either one of them.

22. - Dammit Janet!

  • Meg mentions how Peter once turned the house into a puppet, prompting the viewer to wonder what the hell that could possibly mean... then they cut to it and it's exactly what it sounds like.
    "Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry!"

23. - There's Something About Paulie

  • After buying a shoddy car because the salesman convinced him that it belonged to James Bond, Peter prepares to drive it out of the lot only for it to immediately break down. When he believes that the dealership will fix the car for him and Lois, the whole building collapses behind them.
  • At the start of the episode, Peter enlists the help of a shady individual who asks Peter to write down his phone number on his gun. When Peter makes a mistake, he casually crumples up the gun like a piece of paper and asks if the man has another.
  • When Peter meets face-to-face with The Don who asks him for a favor, which Peter assumes is gonna involve him killing someone.
    Peter: What are you gonna make me do!? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 'Cause I'm married!
  • After Big Fat Paulie gets involved in a VERY long drive-by shooting and falls over dead, Peter's first reaction?
    Peter: Ah jeez! You okay?
  • When Peter realizes Lois has a mob hit on her now, he plans to move the family to England, where the worst thing there are "drive-by... arguments."
    Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
    Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay that's the fellow.
    Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
    (They drive up)
    Englishman: Oh Reginald...
    (Reginald perks up)
    Englishman: I DISAGREE! (car peels off)
  • When Peter has to find the Don to call off the hit on Lois, he can only find a mobster in a "Pet Store. That's It, Pet Store."
    Peter: Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife, where's the Don?
    Mobster: (loud and monotone) The Don!? I don't know what you're talking about! (holds up a sign saying "THE COPS HAVE THIS PLACE BUGGED")
    Peter: Come on, you know, the Don! You know, the captain of the mafia!
    Mobster: (holds up another sign saying "WHAT ARE YOU, A MORON?") Peter, there is no such thing as the mafia! (hands Peter an envelope and pulls out a longer sign)
    Peter: (reading aloud) "The Don's daughter is getting married tomorrow, here's my invitation." (looks at envelope) "Now get the asterisk-percent-ampersand out of here you SOB." What's a sob?
    (mobster decks him in the head with the sign)
  • Peter's rendition of "Rhinestone Cowboy" at the wedding of the Don's daughter.
    Peter: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy! DUN! DAAAAAAAAH!
    (Mobsters reach into their shirts)
    Peter: Frebuhuhmuecuh in a star-spangled horse in a rodeo!
    (Mobsters aim their guns)
    Peter: For my next number...
    (Mobsters cock their guns)
    Peter: Thank you very much, thank you Pawtucket!

24. - He's Too Sexy for His Fat

  • When Brian explains previous techniques to get rid of fleas, it cuts to him getting acupuncture by a Chinese doctor with an inexplicably thick Irish accent. Even in the official commentary, the crew is flummoxed as to where he's from.
    Brian: Hey, doc, do you have to keep those two boxes right next to each other?
    (cut to a shelf with boxes listing "Needles" and "Poison Tipped Needles" next to each other)
    Acupuncturist: Why? What do they say?
    Brian: (beat) I think we're through here.
  • When fleas infest their household:
    Lois: Peter! Stewie's covered in fleas!
    Peter: (unfazed) Big deal. When I was his age I was covered in ticks.
    Lois: Peter, this isn't a contest!
    Peter: (proudly) It was then.
    (Peter points to a trophy on the shelf labeled "Covered in most ticks")

    Peter: There's only one thing to do—learn the language of the fleas, earn their trust, and breed with their women. And in time our differences will be forgotten.
    Lois: CALL THE DAMN EXTERMINATOR!!!
  • To get Chris to run on a treadmill, Peter sticks a dart on Chris's forehead with a Twinkie tied to the other end so he'll chase after it. He later manages to get it by laying on his back and says that he'll turn it into poo.
  • One of Chris's exercises is swimming upstream like a salmon. He's grabbed in the jaws of a bear, where Peter tells him to soil himself like they practiced.
  • After Peter introduces his new thin body to the family:
    Stewie: My god, it's finally happened! He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself, like a neutron star!
  • Later when Peter emerges as an almost unrecognizable hunk, Brian reacts to Peter with this without missing a single beat or changing his tone or facial expression:
    Brian: Hey buddy, you can't just come in here without— holy crap, it's Peter.
  • Lois chastizing Peter when he's allowed into the "Beautiful People's Club" but Chris isn't:
    Lois: Ahh, I hate what you've become! Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head!?
    Peter: Maybe I will! Then I'll put it on my feet and skate around on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks!
    Lois: That doesn't make any sense!
    Peter: It doesn't have to, I'm beautiful!
  • Peter thinking a girl selling lemonade is a drug dealer:
    Little Girl: But mister, I need real money. I can't take a credit card.
    Peter: Oh, cash only, huh, huh? No paper trail, huh? What are you selling? Reefer? Crack? Smack? Horse? X? Shrooms? Dust? Meth? In my neighborhood? I don't think so! (Peter smashes the lemonade stand)
  • "Well if my son can't come in, then I'll just come in! See you at home, Chris."
  • The episode's B-plot sees Stewie pigging out on sweets to make Chris envious, only to gradually balloon up himself. Highlights include:
    • Fat!Stewie trying to ride a spring-loaded horsey at the park. "Well then. Giddy-up."
    • Stewie attempting to eat an ice cream cone, only to be unable to reach it; he then insults another baby passing by. The effort makes him pass out.
  • Dr. Hartman (in one of his first appearances) removing Peter's "protective Mr. Potato Head mask" after surgery.
  • The end of the episode sees Peter gain all of the weight he lost back by becoming distracted by his own beauty and falling from his car into a conveniently located lard factory. When Lois asks if he's learned a lesson from his vanity, he puts his hands behind his head and proudly declares "NOPE!" And then the episode just stops. note 

25. - E. Peterbus Unum

  • As Peter initially digs out the family's backyard himself for a pool when he's denied a tax refund, he accidentally cuts through a power line, shutting off Joe's TV, Quagmire's sex doll, and for some reason, Cleveland's trampoline.
  • The entire scene where Peter goes to Mayor Adam West's office for a pool permit, from when he jumps Peter and beats the crap out of him thinking he's the district attorney to him enjoying his taffy. Seth MacFarlane says in the commentary "You should've seen him recording this, he was giving 110% that day."
  • When Peter technically annexes Joe's pool as part of Petoria, we cut to the US army informing then-president Bill Clinton and discussing their options. Their discussion is rather straightforward, but for some inexplicable reason, Clinton is completely nude.
  • The complete and utter ridiculousness of the US imposing political sanctions against Petoria is best summed up with this straight-face line as Tom Tucker reports live from the military blockade:
    Tom: I'm here at the Petorian front where the US has cut off all electricity, water, and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic.
    • What's more, Tom acts like he's doing serious war coverage, and afterwards he reports "Oh my god, they're opening fire!" as sounds fire off in the background... and then the camera pans to Tom simply popping bubble wrap and playing a slide whistle.
  • In a hilarious fluke gag, as the US finally engages "Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House" ("The guy who comes up with the names is on vacation!"), their first missile misfires, instead hitting Quagmire's house. It doesn't explode, it just casually juts partway through the roof as Quagmire and a random woman are having wine on the couch.
  • When everyone but Brian leaves Peter in his war against the US, Brian says that he's been with him through worse. Cut to Peter and Brian on a Ferris wheel where Peter is inexplicably on fire.

26. - The Story on Page One

  • When Mayor West pulls a Deliberate Injury Gambit to get out of Meg interviewing him, his aide hands her a Cartoon Bomb that explodes in her face, then her mouth is suddenly replaced with a Daffy Duck-style beak on the back of her head that she turns to her face and declares "Of course you realize, this means war!" before storming off.
  • The sequence when Stewie imagines what being big would be like. Turns out he would open a Big and Tall Man's Shop for other plus-sized men. The image of Stewie's normal head on the body of a gigantic fat guy is hilarious.
    • And immediately after, when Chris helps him get the Fig Newtons he was after, he begins to muse about using his older brother for his schemes—until he's interrupted by how good the Fig Newton tastes and screams "OH MY GOD, THERE'S AN ORGY IN MY MOUTH."
  • Stewie trying to buy instruments of carnage at the hardware store using a mind-controlled Chris. Seth Green affecting a Chris-ified version of Stewie's plummy Evil Brit accent while spouting Stewie-esque Ax-Crazy threats is hysterical. The "Family Guy Cast and Creator" episode of Inside The Actor's Studio reveals that this is Green's favorite Chris scene.
  • Peter tries to cheer Meg up by giving her a pony that he kept in the closet, but evidently, he forgot to feed it and it turned into a skeleton.
    Peter: Oh...Oh God, that's right. Ponies...P-Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.

27. - Wasted Talent

  • This classic exchange:
    Young Peter: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
    Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
    (brief pause, then Young Peter looks down in shame)
  • The whole Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory spoof. It has a ninja, a faked drive-by shooting, and a hilarious parody of "Pure Imagination"! As Peter says:
    • Since it's a Willy Wonka parody, there, of course, must be Oompa-Loompa expies—in this case, they're called the Chumba-Wumbas. What's Joe's "bad" behavior that gets him kicked off the tour? Being in a wheelchair (there's no ramp). The song the Chumba-Wumbas sing is straight up insulting.
    What do get when you're STUCK IN A CHAIR? / Finding it hard to go up and down stairs! / What do you think of the one you call God? / Isn't his absence slight-ly-odd? MAYBE HE'S FORGOTTEN YOU.
    • In a sight gag that's not even acknowledged in the episode itself, the fourth set of people on the tour are Grandpa Joe and Charlie themselves.

28. - Fore, Father

  • Quagmire's car having blow-up dolls for airbags.
  • After taking Cleveland Jr. as his golfing protégé, Peter asks him to call him Mr. Drummond. Peter later asks him to call him Mr. Papadapolis, but Cleveland Jr. draws the line at letting Peter call him Webster.
  • The cutaway of Kevin Swanson just having finished sex with his wife:
    Wife: That was incredible, Kevin.
    Kevin: I'm not here to impress you... (camera pulls back to reveal Joe next to their bed) am I, dad?
    Joe: DID I SAY YOU COULD REST YET?!
Advertisement:

     Season Three 

29. - The Thin White Line

30. - Brian Does Hollywood

  • The action-packed Previously On sequence of scenes which obviously never happened in the show, let alone the previous episode.
  • Near the beginning of the episode, there's a cutaway of Peter and Brian throwing a frisbee back and forth. Due to Rule of Funny, Brian manages to accidentally cut off the top half of Peter's head with the frisbee and Peter yells "What are the odds?!" as the top of his head with his eyes stares up at the rest of him.
  • One massive Black Comedy Burst comes from a cutaway when Peter mentions that he hasn't been to California since he lived with his other family. As it turns out, his other family was the Manson Family. When he tells them that he got invited to a party at Sharon Tate's house, he says that he'll let them come if they promise not to embarrass him.
  • Brian obliviously asks "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right?" while entering the porno set. When he realizes what he's gotten himself into, he repeats, with a noticeably anxious tone, "So this is for some kind of shampoo commercial, right??"
  • Chris, unaware that Brian is making a porno, wonders if Samuel L. Jackson is in it, seeing as "he's in everything." Cut to...
    "Ok, Sam, I just need you to lie down next to the fireplace..."
  • Lois says that it's best the family don't get in Brian's way because it wouldn't be the first time Peter's disrupted a performance. It then cuts to a performance of Cats... and Peter accidentally runs over one of the on-stage performers.
    Peter: Oh, jeez. Oh, God. I didn't see it. It jumped right out in front of my car. Oh, I am so sorry.
  • The Woody (a pornography award show) nominees for best soundtrack, who consist of two seedy looking guys with synthesizers, and John Williams, who apparently uses a full orchestra even when he's scoring pornography films.
    • And of course, the other two are the show's composers, Ron Jones and Walter Murphy.
  • When the actual physical award is shown, it's actually pixellated.

31. - Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington

  • In the scene where the cigarette company coated the entire house in Teflon microfilm so that it's easier to clean... then everybody slips because they got the floor too. The kicker?
    Stewie: (sliding by on his butt, nude) I'm Nudes on Ice!
  • "Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole. Bob Dole... Bob Dole... Bob... Dole..." *falls asleep*
  • Peter demonstrates his ability to recite all fifty states in less than a second. It's just a loud yelp.
  • "SMOKE!"
    • "Are you smoking yet?"
  • "That Guy!"
  • "Since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano." Cut to live-action footage of...
    Alyssa: What kind of cheap shot!? Joel! (pans over to her lawyer on the phone)
    Joel: I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, I'm on it!
  • "Cigarettes killed my father... and RAPED my mother!"
  • Peter hires Jewish writers. When he's addressing Congress, he asks them for a zinger to go out on, but they inform him that their lunch is here and leave Peter hanging. He improvises:
    Peter: ...Well, that's my mama! (nervous laugh)

32. - One if by Clam, Two if by Sea

33. - And the Wiener is...

34. - Death Lives

  • The rather peculiar "gift" that Peter gave Lois on their last anniversary:
    Lois: (opening a present) My goodness, a human thumb! Where did you ever find this?
    Peter: (who has his hand tucked in his armpit, the armpit area of his shirt stained red, and is shivering violently) It was on eBay. (doubles over and vomits) OH GOD, CALL AN AMBULANCE!
  • One result of Peter's attempts to golf is accidentally hitting a businessman talking to another over the phone:
    Businessman 1: The fed is going to be lowering, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into— (gets hit in the head with a stray ball) Waffles, tasty waffles, with lots of syrup.
    Businessman 2: Waffles! Buy waffles!
    (crowd of investors rushes to put stocks in waffles)
  • While in limbo, Peter tries to get back into his body by going down his throat. Later, he steals the money from his own wallet.
  • After Peter's terrible first impression, Carter shows him a bronze statue and bludgeons him with it, then orders two of his men to wrap Peter in a rug while he's unconscious and throw him out a helicopter into the sea. He's rescued by a Navy aircraft carrier because they mistook him for a manatee and were prepared to make him into soup.
    • Before whacking Peter with the bronze statue, Carter takes a moment to tell Peter that it's a bronze statue.
  • According to Death, when Peter got struck by lightning he soiled himself.
  • In the flashback of Peter meeting Cleveland, they drive through South Carolina, which proudly displays a Confederate flag on the welcome sign, and are immediately pursued by a car full of Klansmen. Cleveland is understandably afraid of getting lynched, but Peter thinks that they're being chased by ghosts, causing Cleveland to shoot him a confused look.
  • This bit:
    Peter: What if I helped you get a girl?
    Death: Really? You'd do that?
    Peter: Sure, all we gotta do is get you fixed up, get your hair cut, give you a good, clea— (pulls off Death's hood seeing his skull, which is crawling with maggots and has a snake going through it, screams in horror, pulls his hood back on and goes back to sounding calm) —shave, cologne, and chicks'll be all over you.
    Death: Gee! You really think so?
    Peter: Absolutely. (throws up when Death is out of earshot)
  • When Peter's scavenger hunt takes his family to the sewers, Chris tells Lois that his goldfish they flushed wasn't dead, because he mutated in the sewer and has Chris at gunpoint.
  • After Death gets with his crush, he can't stand her Granola Girl tendencies for long and touches her, killing her instantly, before closing out the episode with a Check, Please!

35. - Lethal Weapons

  • Peter tries to scare off the New Yorkers by pretending to be a man-eating tree and claiming that he ate "insane New York anchorman" Dan Rather and "asexual former mayor" Ed Koch.
  • Lois pimp slaps her Tae-Jitsu teacher to provoke him into fighting her.
  • Peter tries to insert a straw into a juice box, until he gets frustrated and destroys the box, then drinks the juice off the table.
  • Stewie suddenly reveals a tape under his shirt that recorded Lois saying she's a bad mother:
    Stewie: Ah-ha! I got it all on tape! (plays tape)
    Stewie on tape: Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. (Present Stewie makes an Oh, Crap! face) What's new, Ed? Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. Okay, and now a word from our sponsors. It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Bzzt! Butterfingers!
    Stewie: (stops tape) ...I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. At least, everybody I know does it- SHUT UP! *runs off*
  • The trash the New Yorkers leave on Peter's lawn: a New York Post newspaper, an issue of New York magazine and the New York Mets.

36. - The Kiss Seen Around the World

  • Meg's Fast Times at Ridgemont High spoofing fantasy about Tom Tucker.
  • When Lois unknowingly stops Stewie from exacting his revenge on a bully who stole his tricycle, she questions what's going on.
    Stewie: We're playing house.
    Lois: But that boy is all tied up...
    Stewie: (pause) Roman Polanski's house.

37. - Mr. Saturday Knight

  • Peter's job working for The Electric Company.
  • Peter's inability to control the volume of his voice:
    Mr. Weed: Hello, Peter. How are you?
    Peter: FINE! (whispering) Please come in.
  • One of Peter's stints after becoming unemployed is as a bathroom attendant, wherein he tells a guy washing his hands that they're out of paper towels, so he heavily inhales and blows air on his hands... before collapsing onto the floor. Then the man quietly wipes his hands on Peter's vest and leaves.note 

38. - A Fish out of Water

  • Without a job, Peter has done nothing but sit on the couch and has become morbidly obese to the point that Brian has to carry him with a forklift. At the wharf, Tom and Jake Tucker appear and Tom mistakes Peter for Mercury until Peter blurts out that he's a guy.
  • When the Griffins' belongings are getting repossessed, the repo men take Chris's bed with Chris still on it. Chris believes that they'll let him live at the bank.
  • After becoming a fisherman, Peter quickly makes a rival who tricks him into crashing his fishing boat into a bar mitzvah, then distracts Peter while he's selling his fish to change his sign so it reads "I had sex with all these fish".
  • Stewie playing Pictionary with the family that's prematurely moved into the Griffins' house:
    If it wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times? God!

39. - Emission Impossible

  • Lois' sister Carol is going into labor and Peter is driving them to the hospital, when suddenly...
    Peter: (pulls into a drive-thru) Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers...
    Lois: Peter, for God's sake, she's having a baby!
    Peter: Oh, that's right. (to drive-thru) And a kid's meal...
  • The gag where Stewie puts on lipstick in order to get it all over Peter's shirt hoping Lois will think he's unfaithful and therefore not try to have another kid with him. Then he sees himself in the mirror...
    Stewie: You want it bad, and you don't care how you get it because you have no self-respect and that gets you off!

    Brian: Wow, the evidence is really piling up.
    Stewie: Make any joke you want! You KNOW I look good!
  • This line:
    Stewie: God, all this work to stop people from having sex. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels.

40. - To Love and Die in Dixie

  • The crook that Chris sees rob a store is trying to escape from the police and sees a bike. Rather than try to drive it away, he picks it up and runs off.
  • When Chris gets the robber arrested, Peter tells him that he should've lied and said it was Céline Dion and that he blew their one chance to put "that showboating Canadian wench" behind bars.
  • The Running Gag of Peter getting attacked by a raccoon. Somehow, in one scene it gets inside Lois's blouse and attacks Peter when she opens it, and at the episode's climax it attacks him when he finds it hiding in the barrel of his gun.
  • Peter's first time using an outhouse:
    Peter: Hey, uh, Lois, I don't get how this works; it's just a hole. I don't think it goes anywhere. No, it definitely doesn't go anywhere.
    (a bird flies into the outhouse and knocks it over)
    Peter: (mortified) Augh, oh God, oh it's everywhere! Augh, it's in my raccoon wounds! Oh, God!

41. - Screwed the Pooch

  • Following the news that Seabreeze is pregnant, Peter tries to go back in time to stop Brian from molesting her by spinning around in circles, but all that happens is that he becomes disoriented and accidentally destroys Carter's cabinet of fine China, then knocks down a shelf and a framed painting.
  • When Brian and Seabreeze run off and check into a rundown hotel, the manager warns them that the hotel has bad roaches. The roaches in question are two giant Mexican thugs, one of whom threatens to cut Brian with a knife.
    Brian: Those are some bad roaches.
    Manager: I blame the schools.
  • After Peter refuses to associate with Brian anymore due to the latter's molestation of Seabreeze hurting Peter's newfound relationship with Carter, Peter is shown eating breakfast in a soundproof transparent box. While Brian and Lois are talking, Peter farts and can't escape the smell due to the lack of ventilation, then tries to get their attention before passing out.
  • "I looooooooove chocolate... but I can't eat it because then I'll get FAT."
    • "But it's SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD."
  • The reveal that Seabreeze's puppies were actually fathered by Ted Turner, as they all have his head.

42. - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?

  • In the pre-intro scene, Peter is watching Dennis Miller do a bit where he trails off into Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness. Peter is more concerned with what he meant when he used the word "rant".
  • At the basketball game, Peter fantasizes about Cindi (the head cheerleader) opening her uniform and chicken legs flying out in slow motion. When Peter gets one in his mouth, it turns out he's chewing on Lois's hair.
  • The B-plot is Stewie trying to get in with the cheerleading squad because he believes that their cheers are a form of Mass Hypnosis after finding himself following along with them. He compares it to the time he and Brian were in Vegas and were hypnotized into kissing, where once they come out of trance Stewie declares that he tastes crotch.
    • In one scene, he fat shames himself in the mirror before making himself throw up in the toilet.
    • At the episode's climax, he abducts Cindi and replaces her at the top of the pyramid at the next game while wearing a disguise of her that ends up being fairly unconvincing because of their massive height difference. He tries to hypnotize the audience into doing his bidding with the hunting knives he hid under each of their seats, only for the pyramid to collapse under him, revealing that he also tried to emulate Cindi's cleavage with two tennis balls.
  • When Chris starts talking in street on the drive home from the game, Peter thinks he's demonically possessed and speaking in tongues, so he attempts to perform an impromptu exorcism.
  • Peter narrating his own life.
  • When Babs gives Chris a caramel, he runs outside and climbs up a tree to eat it like a squirrel.
  • Peter converting the living room into a replica of Pee-wee's Playhouse. Especially Brian's line:
  • How does Nate Griffin describe heaven? "It's alright. There's a shortage of chairs, though."

43. - Ready, Willing, and Disabled

  • While putting up flyers for people looking for the money clip the Griffin kids found, Chris accidentally staples one onto a guy's back.
  • When a ladybug drinks from the bottle of steroid-filled water that Peter gave to Joe, it grows giant and flies off with a kid in the audience.
  • Joe agrees to have his life story made into a TV movie, which took a few creative liberties: Joe, played by Tony Danza, gets crippled when a group of thugs he defeats immediately get back up and break his legs, he finds the advertisement for the Special People's Games on a box in his freezer, and for whatever reason Peter is portrayed by Bea Arthur.
  • When Brian tries to make off with the money clip, Stewie threatens to do to him what he did to John Lennon. You assume this means Stewie killed him, then it turns out he introduced him to Yoko Ono.
  • Peter attempts to fake becoming disabled to get his own TV movie and shows Tom Tucker a tape to show how it happened. The tape depicts Peter running over a scarecrow in his clothes.
  • When Joe captures the car wash thief, he later tells Peter that he severed the guy's spine when he landed on him. Peter jokes that the thief will be competing against Joe in the next Special People's Games, only to look shocked when Joe tells him that the injury was fatal.

44. - A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

  • Peter manages to confuse the meanings of "for" and "from", leading to him donating all of his family's presents to charity.
    Peter: Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
    Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
    Peter: Why wasn't I told?
    Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must have thought it was "from" you, so you didn't.. umm... You know it's just easier to call you stupid.
  • Peter's plan to get the presents back from a family in a mobile home:
    Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
    Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3 inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
    (beat)
    Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
  • Peter loses patience over the lack of empty parking spaces at the mall and parks the station wagon on top of another car.
  • Peter finds a pair of the earrings Meg wanted, but an old woman wants them for her granddaughter. Peter licks the box and asks her if she still wants it, but she gives him a titty twister and takes the earrings back.
  • The scene where Brian tries to put out a fire, and it gets worse since he uses a "Joke Fire Extinguisher" that releases flammable pop-up snakes.
    Brian: Damn it, Peter!
    • When the rest of the family comes home, Brian calls Peter out on it:
    Peter: What the hell did you do?
    Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
    Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at serious risk!
  • Lois finally snapping when Meg says they're out of paper towels. "No...paper...TOWELS??!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Made even funnier after she's raged at the family and ran out the house in an Unstoppable Rage... then Meg finds the paper towels.
  • While on her rampage, Lois mouths off to Frosty the Snowman before lighting a match on his nose and melting him with a Booze Flamethrower using a nearby homeless guy's beer bottle. His hat comes off, but when it's put back on he yells for it to be taken off again because it's on fire.
  • On Christmas Day, Brian gets a present that looks like a wine bottle, then he unwraps it and it turns out it's a book.

45. - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

  • Peter grows a beard, which an endangered species of bird takes up residence in. It later makes life difficult for him at the movies by snatching his popcorn out of his hand before he can eat it, then he later tries to drive it out by playing loud music.
    • When the bird eventually leaves Peter's beard, it also leaves its three eggs behind and they all hatch and Peter compares them to his own kids. One hatchling's face turns into Stewie and another turns into Chris, then Peter forgets about Meg and imagines the third hatchling as an off-colored Boba Fett.

46. - From Method to Madness

47. - Stuck Together, Torn Apart

  • Joe shows his new automated police van's arrest feature to Peter and it simply cuffs him, but when Cleveland tries it out, it detects that he's black and declares him a minority suspect, beats him with two truncheons, and plants a gun next to him to make it look like he's armed.
    • The van is later shown to have a cloaking feature that disguises it as two homeless guys fighting each other for a wedge of cheese.
    • While using the van's surveillance equipment to spy on Lois and Ross, Peter turns up the dial so high that Quagmire's thoughts become audible. Evidently, he got a genital rash from a woman he picked up from the bus station and is thinking about how much it itches.
  • Peter and Lois' marriage counselor puts cameras around the family's house to determine their behaviors... some of the things he came across as "an accurate cross-section" are weird, to say the least.
    Peter: (while in hula skirts with Chris) No! It's step, hip, step, pivot! (slaps him) Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!
  • Peter isn't allowed at the disco place anymore because he mistook the ball for a piñata and broke it with a bat, then ate some of the shards.
    Peter: (as blood slowly oozes out of his mouth) Crafty Mexicans and their glass candy.

48. - Road to Europe

  • Any scene with The Pope.
    Cardinal: Pope?... Pope! Is time to get up and put on your hat.
    Pope: It's a stupid hat!
    (later to Brian and Stewie)
    Pope: You make-a the Pope look like a fool! God will make you pay! SMITE THEM! (pause that lasts for several seconds) He's-a cookin'-a something up.
  • "I vill hear no more insinuations about ze German people! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED! Sie werden sich hinsetzen!! Sie werden ruhig sein!! Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland!!!"
  • When Stewie tearfully realizes that "Jolly Farm" is all fake, Brian tries comforting him.
    Brian: You wanna go get some ice cream?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna get some McDonald's?
    (Stewie shakes his head 'no')
    Brian: You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
    (Stewie nods his head 'yes')
    Brian: Okay, let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
  • In the "KISS-Stock" subplot, when two members of KISS walk out, and the other break into "Chattanooga Choo-Choo," surprising the crowd. Seriously.

49. - Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 1

A - No Bones About It

  • After becoming boneless, Peter says that he has to fart but doesn't know which way to lean.
  • Stewie makes a snow angel in Peter, then prepares to pee his name into him.
  • When the Griffins go to the mall, Peter ends up getting caught in an escalator.
  • On a teacup ride at Disney World, Peter gets sent flying into a bathhouse where Michael Eisner unknowingly uses him as a towel.

B - SuperGriffins

  • The Griffins' radiation-induced superpowers: Peter can shapeshift, Chris has pyrokinesis, Stewie has psychokinesis, Brian has Super Speed, Lois has Super Strength... and Meg can make her fingernails grow out.
  • Chris sets his friend Hector on fire for one time thinking that his last name was "Gristle".
  • When the Griffins appear on the news, there are images of Stewie holding an ice cream truck upside down in the air, Peter turning into a tsunami and terrorizing a beach, and Meg popping a baby's balloon.
  • When Mayor West tells the Griffins that they've become drunk with power, Stewie responds by telekinetically punching West's mouth in.
  • Mayor West tries to get superpowers by rolling around in nuclear waste. Unlike the stuff that gave the Griffins their powers, he just gets lymphoma.

C - Lil' Griffins

  • They play the Two Scenes, One Dialogue trope with Peter and Quagmire each discussing the same plans of scaring the other group... though it's a little lopsided.
    Peter: We can't let those guys win. What we ought to do is pretend we're ghosts, see-
    Quagmire: -and then we'll scare the other guys out of the house-
    Peter: -then we can say that we spent-
    Quagmire: -the-
    Peter: -night. Then, everyone will think we're-
    Quagmire: -the-
    Peter: -bravest kids in the world. Especially Lois. Heheheheheheheh-
    Quagmire: Al-riiiiiiiigh-
    Peter: -heheheheh-
    Quagmire: -ehhhhhhh-
    Peter: -heheheheh-
    Quagmire: -eeght.
    (beat as Quagmire silently looks around)
    Peter: -heheheheh.

50. - When You Wish Upon a Weinstein

  • When Peter is scammed out of Lois's rainy day money, he sees Lois having a phone conversation with Babs, who thinks Lois would've been better off marrying a chimp. When Peter gets the money back, Lois says she's going to call Babs again and tell her to "tell that chimp across the street [imitating monkey sounds]".
  • When Lois says she's against Meg getting laser eye surgery, there's a cutaway of Luke Skywalker (voiced by Mark Hamill himself, no less!) trying to make an incision on a woman's eyes with his lightsaber. Obi-Wan tells him to use the Force and he accidentally sends the saber through her eye and out the back of her head. He asks Obi-Wan if he's happy, to which he forlornly replies that he's never been happy.
Top

Example of:

/
/

Feedback