Peter's brief career as a newspaper cartoonist, which consists mostly of amateurish scribbles paired with ancient jokes. It is a massive success, until he draws a sexist cartoon about women and dishwashers, at which point the Griffins are forced into exile.
Peter: Jeez, it's not like the Internet to lose its mind over nothing.
The Griffins' car being stolen just outside Springfield, with most of the episode consisting of Homer and Peter trying to find it. It eventually turns out that Hans Moleman stole it by accident.
Hans: Oh dear, I was using this car as pants!
Just after getting the car back, Peter gets run over by Abe Simpson.
Abe: I'm old, so I'm the victim!
Stewie's unsettling attempt at doing a prank call to Moe's Tavern.
Marge forcing Brian to eat in the kitchen with Santa's Little Helper.
Peter referring to Apu as "funny-sounding Cleveland".
Peter telling Homer that to find the car, they have to think like a car. Cut to the two outside a gas station forcing themselves to drink $40 worth of gasoline.
When the Kool-Aid Man is expected to show up, it turns out he was in the wrong Springfield.
233. - The Book of Joe
Cleveland cleaning a pair of paintbrushes in Joe's pool.
Joe publishing his children's book under the name Steve Chicago because he doesn't want the guys at the station to know he wrote it, due to them panning his mime act.
"That's right, the sun's really a black guy." "The moon is Korean!"
The cutaway of Peter pretending to be the ghost of Roger Ebert and haunting Gene Shalit, saying that even in death he's a better critic than the latter. When Peter leaves, it's then shown that Shalit's wife looks almost exactly like him.
When Brian becomes unhealthily thin from a combination of overexerting his body with constant exercise and starving himself, Stewie remarks that his whole body looks like Paul McCartney's neck.
Peter's insane sequel to The Hopeful Squirrel.
Brian breaking his leg immediately upon stepping over the starting line of the marathon.
"Brian, why does everything you touch turn to garbage?"
234. - Baking Bad
Peter smashing the annoying woman who comes in and samples cookies all the time and claims "she's so bad" over the head with a metal tray.
Lois: That was the right thing to do, Peter.
Peter gradually turning the cookie store into a strip club that gives out free cookies. All of the girls also have cookie themed names.
Part of the pitch video Brian shows Quagmire describes the apartment as "something a Persian guy would call a little too much".
Chris being not ready for flashbacks.
236. - Turkey Guys
Peter and Brian finding a Train song on the radio. After a few seconds of denial...
Peter: Brian, I love Train. Brian: I fucking love Train!
The live turkey Peter brings to Thanksgiving dinner. At first it looks like they're going to play a stock Aesop about Thanksgiving when he doesn't want to kill it, until Chris stumbles in drunk and shoots it before passing out.
Brian heads to steerage to look for Chris, then finds out that everyone, even the baby, looks and sounds like Peter.
Stewie gets the string quartet on the Titanic to play "Danger Zone".
The disclaimer at the end of the episode states all the historical facts were checked by Wikipedia and to learn more about history, go to Yahoo! Answers.
239. - Our Idiot Brian
When Peter and Brian are "watching" the movie on the couch, they laugh rather awkwardly, with Brian sounding like he has the Beavis laugh.
Peter telling Brian they're gonna party like its the Roaring 20's, and the following cutaway.
Man: (singing while doing the Charleston) No TV, movies suck, I'm here with my gal, shake your hands, kick around, wear a suit to breakfast! Underwear that laces up, all girls have a guy's haircut, crank your car to make it start, you will die of measles!
After being told that Brian has a brain tumor, Peter pulls out a shrink ray pistol and shrinks himself to enact a "Fantastic Voyage" Plot to destroy the tumor from within. He resizes a second later when he gets raped by a bug.
Stewie says that Brian's tumor makes him as useless as Black Widow is to the Avengers.
Thor: So, what's your superpower? Black Window: Kicking. Thor: Oh, right, 'cause none of use can kick. Hey, which one of you guys can kick? [he, Captain America, Iron Man, and Hawkeye raise their hands] Hulk, stop being nice. Hulk:[raises hand] Sorry.
The entire montage of Peter and Brian doing crazy things set to "Cotton-Eyed Joe".
Brian in the hospital:
Brian: Being in this hospital bed-I feel like the main character of As I Lay Dying as he or she lay dying! Stewie: Oh, that's just the amount of superficial quasi-knowledge the old Brian had.
Brian hanging a nice lampshade on Stewie tricking him into getting his tumor removed.
At the end of the episode, Peter gets an operation to give him a second penis, but his original penis promptly falls off.
The giant pile of corpses of people who have O.D'd at the music festival.
Stewie taking the bra of the girl he and Brian were going to have a threesome with after she overdoses because she owed him 40 dollars, then tells Brian he's going to trade it for Gatorade.
Stewie trying to find a comfortable position on the ground but he eventually gives up and stands.
241. - Quagmire's Mom
The episode's first cutaway, in which Peter takes Meg on a "field trip" (attempting to abandon her in a field), only to receive comeuppance for it.
Peter: Okay here's the field, goodbye forever! (Peter runs into his car and drives right into a tree) AAUGHH! MEG, I'M INJURED! PLEASE HELP ME! I SMELL GAS! (Car bursts into flames) MEG, I'M STILL ALIVE, BUT I'M BADLY BURNED! COME SAVE MY LIFE AND NURSE ME BACK TO HEALTH! OH GOD, WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?!
Peter's karaoke phase cutaway, which is Peter waiting for the lyrics of "Baba O'Riley" to start.
Peter in an ad parody for The General car insurance.
Chris complaining that they haven't shown the girl Quagmire was accused of raping during his trial.
"Did you hear about you ex-husband yet? He had a, uh, procedure."
The Quagmire/Peter watch scene:
Quagmire: Peter, I want you to take care of my antique gold Rolex watch. Peter: Aw, cool! A throwing watch! Quagmire: No, Peter..and I cannot emphasize this enough-this is not a throwing watch. Peter: Oh, I get ya. (Quagmire hands Peter the watch; Peter tosses it into the distance.) Peter: It didn't come back like you said it would.
Joe coming to arrest Quagmire for sleeping with the underage girl, but before he leaves Quagmire sends the pictures he took to all his friends.
(Phone buzzes). (Joe looks at his phone)
Joe: Oh yeah, Boom! *Look back at Quagmire* You're disgusting. Take him away! We've got all the awesome evidence we need.
Kid!Quagmire learned his ABCs by memorizing the names of all the guys his mom slept with in alphabetical order.
Kid!Quagmire(to the tune of ABC): "These are just some of the guys." "There are many other guys."
242. - Encyclopedia Griffin
The license plate on Stewie's tricycle reads "UB40 FAN".
The zoom-in on Chris' sex doll Heather in his closet similar to that of the evil monkey.
The cutaway of Peter teaching old Asians to board a subway train.
The ad for Outback Steakhouse Extreme, which serves larger portions than Outback Steakhouse.
Announcer:PUNISH! YOUR! TOILET!
A blind man calls Meg gross.
After Cleveland diagnoses Mayor Adam West as a sociopath:
Adam: Let me tell you something. (grabs Cleveland by the shirt collar) You're absolutely fucking right. (lets go) Time to put on my spaghetti hat! (puts on a strainer filled with spaghetti, then leaves)
Later on, he tells Cleveland he killed nine people... and he has ducks on his feet.
Mayor Adam West hands Peter the key to the city, then leaves him in charge while he goes on a two-week vacation.
"I never stop to think. That's why I've had ringworm 11 times. I will roll in anything."
After Joe quits his job and leaves Bonnie, he fires a bullet in the air. The bullet then calls his mom.
Humpty Dumpty after his fall.
Doctor: Maybe next time go straight to a medical professional instead of all the king's horses and all the king's illiterate servants. Humpty Dumpty: Well, that's the last time I drink and masturbate on top of a high wall.
Joe tries to tip a cow, but he gets pushed back.
The sign on Niagara Falls: "As seen on that spray starch can".
Peter and Lois accidentally wearing each other's pants.
Lois: Thank you, Jazzercize!
Peter imagining his funeral, including two fat hula dancers on either side of his coffin, three monkeys singing "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer", and each mourner eating a soft pretzel.
Lois: I don't know why your father wanted this, but we're honoring his request.
Joe tries to kill himself twice by rolling off the Niagara Falls, but gets stuck on the same branch every time.
Joe: I stink at this.
Joe's plan for getting Bonnie back at the end of the episode, he had hired a few guys to do a home invasion on a Tuesday, so he could show up and be the hero.
Joe: She'll be so grateful she'll have to take me back. Peter: Joe. Today's Tuesday. Joe:(looking at his watch) Well, poop.
246. - Once Bitten
The clip from Yet Another Indiana Jones Movie: "Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?"
The Warsaw Globetrotters killing the jaunty tune Sweet Georgia Brown with their deadpan singing and depressing lyrics.
To practice for giving dog suppositories to Brian, Peter watches an episode of Lassie where Timmy does just that.
How Peter ruins a wedding: He bribes a busboy to stab the groom.
Peter apologizing to Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland for breaking off their friendship, only to learn that Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland forgot all about Peter being upset over the roast and they assumed he just left town for a week.
The show ends with Peter saying that men are better than women, followed by a list of the show's staff, split into gender. There's only one woman and every other name is a man.
248. - Fighting Irish
Peter throwing furniture into a giant Dumpster.
Stewie: Hey, I'm still in here!
"Hmm, I guess I could get the mail at night."
The parade of all the women Quagmire has slept with by country, and the Griffins leaving when they see the women of Thailand, who are all underaged girls.
Quagmire's 1,000th sexual conquest (which he does onstage in front of the whole street)? A largemouth bass, which causes one woman and five children to leave.
"We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies."
The cutaway of a woodchuck telling his parents that he wants to be a doctor, only to have his dreams shot down when his father says, "How much disease could a woodchuck doctor cure if a woodchuck could cure disease?"
What causes the fight between Liam and Peter: Peter says his storyline in Love Actually was the second-worst.
Liam's requests when Peter's his work slave start off fairly normal, doing things like subbing for him on jury duty and taking over his Twitter feed. Then he asks Peter to go to a local gym's shower room and ask other men to pee in his hands, because he saw a remote-controlled car and that excited him. And this gets revisited right before the big fight:
Liam: Peter, I'm all out of crackers, and I'm gluten-free. So what I need you to do is, go down to the local gym, and ask strange men to pee on you. Cleveland:What the hell?!
249. - Take My Wife
The episode starts with Peter winning a poker game with a full house consisting of three jokers and two instruction cards.
Barbara Pewterschmidt not coming over because she was cast in a rap video as the stuffy old white woman who initially complains about the rapper and his entourage ruining her garden party, but eventually gets used to it.
Peter's disgusted reaction when his couples counselor knows Adolf Hitler's birthday off the top of his head.
Quagmire thinking Kimi's eye color is shaved.
After finding out that all the couples are incompatible (and that includes a girl Quagmire brought along), the men clap.
Peter shouting, "Yay! I win couples' counseling!" after the counselor pairs him with Kimi (Quagmire's girlfriend for the episode).
Stewie admiring the shine from Carter's bare legs.
Carter, Brian, and the kids playing "flour-facing" (throwing flour in people's faces when they answer the door. Carter did it when he was young as a way to keep Italian-Americans from voting).
The cutaway of Peter bringing museum behavior into his house, which includes making the floors marble, dressing like a museum security guard, and forbidding Lois from touching the TV remote.
The cutaway of Stewie playing with Bublé wrap (bubble wrap that sounds like Michael Bublé when you pop a bubble), which starts out fun when he plays "I Just Haven't Met You Yet," but the more Stewie plays with it, the more it brags about making older women horny with his singing, with Stewie commenting, "This is a very skeevy packing product."
Cleveland worrying about dying at the hands of the Bahamian revolutionaries because that means his mail and DVR recordings of Ellen DeGeneres's talk show will pile up.
The one thing that snaps Chris, Meg, Stewie, and Brian out of enjoying life without TV and electronics: "We now return to Police Chases...That End In Fire."
Stewie: "Holy shit, that's awesome!"
250. - Pilling Them Softly
Stewie bothering a preschool student during naptime.
Peter yelling advice during a NASCAR race.
Peter: Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Go in a circle! Advertise stuff- GO IN A CIRCLE!!!
After the producer of a Channel 5 cooking show awkwardly tries to shake hands with Peter and Quagmire, Peter doesn't know what to do next, so he hugs the producer.
Peter tries to do the Cinnamon Challenge while Quagmire rambles on about mince pie.
The cutaway of Peter finding a kidnapped Meg... just to ask for his grocery club card.
Peter is admitted into an 1950s insane asylum because he's with a negro (Cleveland) and a cripple (Joe). Cleveland is admitted for standing up to the doctor and Joe is euthanized. Quagmire asks the doctor if they have any braindead female patients they let people have sex with for a few bucks. They do.
"Yeah, I want to do you where the porn lunch was."
How Stewie's robots and friends are killed: Brian sprayed them with a garden hose.
At the end, we see, out on the curb, the robots (all about the same size as Stewie) on top of Lois and Peter's old mattress.
Herbert:(looking at it) How is this not a trap?
253. - Peternormal Activity
The episode starts with the boys at a theater showing Maniac Pope 2: Thou Shalt Not Live, a horror movie where the Pope is a serial killer.
After Stewie mentions "people who take dumps in the shower", we cut to Meg in the shower, who denies anything they say about her.
"Remember that movie The Blob? What if the blob?"
The alternate ending to An Affair to Remember where the female lead calls the male lead to say what happened.
One joke was apparently submitted by a nine-year-old boy.
Announcer: And we'll pass along your gross request to Mila Kunis.
After accidentally killing the caretaker of an abandoned insane asylum, Peter says he should get a McFlurry for it.
They also bury his car for good measure.
At the end, both his hook hand and a car door pop out of the grave.
Peter hearing the plot of this episode as a John Mellencamp song used in a truck commercial on the radio. With Mellencamp voicing himself!
254. - Peter, Chris, & Brian
The Fat Guy and Fish & Chips cutaway.
Fish & Chips: (singing) Fat guys think we're a diet food!
Peter playing Pai Gow... and what follows after.
"Hey, Brian, you wanna go for a ride to behind the Kroger's?"
Teenage!Peter plays Conway Twitty on the tape to himself in the future.
"He's just rhyming 'Danger Zone' with 'Danger Zone'!"
Chris asks the toaster what "success" means.
Peter: Hey, Chris, let me know when you're done with the computer.
Chris tries to shake his head to get a nosebleed.
Peter and Chris high-stepping around wearing giant hats.
Brian gets Chris to read The Bell Jar by crossing out Sylvia Plath's name and writing "Spiderman" above it. He's later happy to find Chris with his head in the oven, wearing a Spider-Man outfit.
Peter's "Walk Like an Egyptian" phase. We see him doing it as he gets teary-eyed making a funeral speech.
The foreign movie Peter watches, Le Rocque Trois. It turns out to be Rocky III dubbed in French, with the names given faux French pronunciations.
Moses says there's an eleventh commandment: He gets to be first in line at the buffet.
The end, where the family talks about what happened while Tom Tucker is delivering a story over it.
255. - Peter's Sister
Stewie promoting Monster Energy drink.
Stewie: MONSTER ENERGY DRINK! PUT IT IN YOUR BODY AND ASK QUESTIONS LATER!! IT'S GREEN SO IT'S NATURE!
"Is she a prim and proper 'ont' or a big, fat, hairy 'ant'?"
Peter tries to avoid talking about Karen by having a lawyer represent him.
The opening to The Cosby Show (Knowing What We Know Now), which shows Cosby dancing and mugging at the camera while three of the female leads (Phylicia Rashad, Lisa Bonet, and Tempest Bledsoe), along with special guest stars Bonnie Raitt, Bea Arthur, The Noid (Domino's Pizza's mascot in the 1980s and the early 1990s), and the NBC peacock are passed out or sick/dazed from being drugged.
Peter's line after seeing the opening: "Huh, I was so blind to the color of his skin that I didn't notice the raping, either."
Chris having a bizarrely specific fetish for Hispanic women running for city council. He invites a woman like that, Mrs. Vargas, to Thanksgiving dinner.
Chris: That's a beautiful pants suit, Mrs. Vargas!
After Karen calls Peter "chin nuts", Quagmire finally notices it.
"Peter, Bonnie just changed Joe on the table. What are you worried about?"
A cab driver won't leave until Peter enters The White House because he said it was his house. He gets a Secret Service agent to play along.
Jack Skellington: Fat chicks with black hair get tattoos of me!
The montage of Peter bullying Meg set to "Celebrate" by Kool And The Gang. Also counts a heartwarming moment if you're a long time fan.
In order to train as a wrestler, Cleveland decides to start Peter off on a painkiller addiction using pills from his stepdaughter Roberta's purse. This ends with the entire gang hooked on painkillers, and Peter saying he would "crime" for more.
The Chico's Monkey Farm commercial.
Out of nowhere, "Buttscratcher? Buttscratcher!" makes a surprise cameo.
All the female wrestlers having gross pun names based on feminine bodily functions.
Wrestling Announcer: This is one for the history books, if anyone kept track of this nonsense! (This gets extra funny if you're a wrestling fan and know that, yes, people do keep track of it. In a lot of detail at that)
256. - Hot Pocket-Dial
The episode begins with a steakhouse waiter saying he's giving cocktails to Peter, Lois, and the kids.
Pheasant ON THE Glass.
Peter: I defy anyone who tells me what's wrong with this.
After Peter decides to have a toothpick in his mouth all the time, he decides to go to a fish market counter because it makes him intimidating.
Cleveland saying that the participants of the bull run has the kind of fat white women even he isn't interested in.
258. - A Shot In The Dark
Joe in a small talk class.
Joe: It sure is cloudy today. Teacher: That's good, Joe. You could also have responded to Jenny who told you her son died. Joe: I'm sorry your son died on such a cloudy day.
Lois said Peter once looked like a young Gene Hackman.
Stewie: That...thats not even good.
Peter thinks the now-elderly Henry Winkler aka The Fonz is doing his famous "w-w-w-wrong" line from Happy Days, while he's actually having a stroke.
The cutaway of a customer at an office supply store hitting the "easy" button, causing the clerk to wet, or possibly orgasm, himself.
Customer: W-what did I just do? Clerk: Don't worry about it.
On neighborhood watch, the gang beats up Cyrano de Bergerac, while Romeo repeats everything he says while he is being beaten.
Romeo: (romantically) Ow! Ow! Oh my god, four men are beating me! My arm! I think it is broken! Who are you guys? Why? Why? I'll give you anything if you stop beating me. Stop pulling at my nose, it is not fake. I think I am dying. Please take me to the hospital.
Dr. Hartman wrote down the name "brown family" to remember what the Brown family looks like.
Peter drives his car off a cliff when the speed sign says his speed is "FAT". After the car explodes and burns, the sign changes to "LOL J/K"
"You mean that's not really Quahog? It's just a big picture?"
Lois calling out Peter for his endless parade of stupid ideas that he insists on telling her about, and beating him up with a newspaper. Meanwhile, Meg and Chris are watching from the stairs, and start tearing their hair out as a means of asserting some kind of control over their home life.
Chris: I'm in charge of my hair, this much I know!
Movie Producer: Now that WW2 is over, we can get back to making comedies again! Hans, get me these comedy writers! (hands his assistant a list)
Hans: Uh, yeah, about that, I don't think any of these guys are available. Producer: What?! Get me my agent! Hans: Yeah, he probably isn't going to answer either. Producer: This is outrageous! I demand to know what happene- Ohhhhh, I remember what happened...
To avoid Angela firing him, Peter tells Lois to hold the phone up to any episode of Who's the Boss?.
Peter gets Korean plastic surgery.
Peter: *with tiny nose and large anime-esque eyes* I feel good. I feel like I want to giggle behind my hand at a lot of things and hold but not eat a big ice cream cone.
Quagmires old co-star Sun-Ji tracks him down via the phone app "Find American Johnny". Cut to its inventor sitting in a pile of money.
Inventor: I already rich from that! Dance for me, Hilary Duff! *cue Hilary Duff dancing in a cage*
Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man in bed.
Peter as a half-man half-horse. The horse is the front end.
"Hey Sin-ju, your TV says it's 21 o'clock. What is that in real time?"
Peter giving Stewie a mix of 5-Hour Energy, espresso and cocaine to give him energy for his auditions.
Stewie deciding that he's going to be really into drugs and dancing as a teenager, only to burn out by 18 and become a bodybuilding born-again Christian.
Stewie: I'll just be a 180 degree different kind of insufferable!
When Brian points out that being an actor might not be the best thing for Stewie, Peter points out that Brian's estranged son (Dylan from "The Former Life of Brian" and "Brian's a Bad Father") is a teen actor. Brian immediately snaps to Peter about how his adoptive father hated him and then died.
Chris:Wow, bringing a gun to a knife fight!
When Stewie gets his first acting job, Peter takes Chris into a store to tell him he's no longer the favorite son. Chris breaks down crying, then smashes Peter's head through the store window.
Peter: (bloodied and beaten) I didn't even tell him yet. He just does not like to be touched.
261. - Scammed Yankees
The NBA on TNT on LSD.
Last time Carter was left home alone, he did a parody of "Virtual Insanity" by Jamaroquai.
Brian overhears Meg playing Twister with her friends. Calls include "left cankle blue".
Ants at a picnic. To be more specific, two giant ants having a regular picnic and behaving obnoxiously, playing loud music, and grilling, bothering a nearby human couple.
"You have postcards from France?"
Brian says it would be easy to bring a gun into the high school.
Tom Tucker says the top story is "sinking newscaster" before he appears to sink.
Tom: Just kidding, it's the chair.
Lois calls Uber while in Africa, and gets a rhino with the Uber logo on its side. Shortly after, an elephant with a pink mustache shows up.
Lois' exasperated reaction to finding out that Peter is being held prisoner in Africa by Carter.
Lois: Oh, for God's sake...
On the plane to Africa, the in-flight dinner is delivered in UN Food Relief parcels, complete with tiny parachutes
After Carter apologizes to Peter for the imprisonment, Peter says its okay, because he's contracted a dangerously high fever and won't remember any of this anyway.
Joe apparently has a side business as a party clown.
After Brian fails to score with Megs hot friend, two stars talk about it and one mentions that its what he (the star) wished for, only he had made the wish 32.000 years ago. Neil deGrasse Tyson then shows up to talk about space.
The cutaway about ballpark concession food.
Peter: Yes, I'll have one terrible beer that's filled up way too high so half of it will spill out, and one too-long hot dog in a too-short bun, and do you have mustard relish? Cook: Yeah, it's there between the entrance and the exits to the bathrooms. Peter: Great. And I'll also have one bag of unsalted peanuts. You know, something I'd never eat anywhere else in the world. Cook: Here you go. Peter: Great, I can't wait to have diarrhea in the bathroom stall with no door while 20 guys wait for me to finish.
262. - An App A Day
Peter farts into Cleveland's Shazam app. It says it's Lana Del Rey.
Stewie reading the closed captioning on Live With Kelly and Michael while on the treadmill.
"Peter, could you keep it down? I'm looking at lamps I'll never buy."
Meg pretending she's married to a cardboard cutout of Dog the Bounty Hunter.
After Chris sends a picture of his junk, he says "It worked well for..." Cut to a list of celebrities caught in inappropriate photo scandals scrolling by as "Yakkety Sax" plays.
Neil Goldman telling Chris that sending a picture of his genitals to a girl he likes is okay, because anyone sending their kids to public school is basically asking for this.
Lois talking about how sensitive people have gotten about nudity and sexually active teens, and how in her day, "boys would just whip it out on the bus".
Peter tries to make a Batman exit from Chris's principals office, but everyone else catches him as he tries to sneak out the window.
"Coming up next, teleprompter gut puts the period in a weird. Place."
Quagmire, who's leading sex offender rehab at the Quahog Community Center, shows Chris a list of fake hobbies.
Chris: I could take a whack at hand-distressing furniture. Quagmire: We don't say "whack" here.
Quagmire: All of you are sex offenders, and statistically, you will all be here again, because this has never worked in the history of doing this. Now, today we have a new member (giggity), Chris G.
At the sex offenders group, we get this exchange.
Quagmire: Alright, first of all, whoever has a windowless van painted like an ice cream truck, your lights are on. (Over half the group leaves)
Peter: Hey Chris, wait till you see the funny thing I had them put on your cake. Chris: Happy 6th Birthday, Timmy? Peter: Uh-oh, they must've mixed 'em up. (Meanwhile at Timmy's birthday party...) Timmy: Nice crank, you dirty little bastard? (Enter Peter with the other cake) Peter: Sorry, I'll take that. Here's your cake, I ate a great deal of it.
Quagmire tells Chris not to ring his doorbell. Chris does it anyway and Quagmire's cat freaks out and runs away.
"Wow, we rolled three gutter balls on these kids, huh?"
Stewie says he knows where he's going to place his tennis trophy. Cut to two doctors looking at an X-ray of Stewie with a trophy up his butt.
First Doctor: So the baby died? Second Doctor: Yeah, the baby died. But look, first place!
A self-checkout tells Chris to asphyxiate himself, and then brags to the next self-checkout.
Checkout: See, I told you I could get him to do it.
After Chris has himself chemically castrated to get everyone to stop treating him like a pervert and starts acting like an effeminate, soft-spoken weirdo, Peter refers to him as "that thing".
Chris getting all manner of obscure hobbies once he's no longer occupied with his sex drive.
Chris: Well, I'm off to the wind chimes store! Peter: There can not be a whole store just for that!
Stewie's over-the-top anger over the referee calling an out for a perceived long shot, which gets him and Brian disqualified. He continues to trash talk the guard removing him from the tennis club until the guard states he believes Stewie's ball was in, whereupon Stewie 180's to a cheerful mood.
After the drugs wear off, Chris is caught masturbating in the school library by the elderly librarian. We find out later that she died of shock.
Meg: She worked in that library for 54 years. Peter: Well at least she got to see a little wang before she died.
The episode ends with everyone confused on this week's lesson. It's either "chemical castration is not for everyone" or "don't get angry on a tennis court".
263. - Underage Peter
Joe talking about "Jimmy Crack Corn" and why the songwriter wrote it if he said he didn't care.
Quagmire: Are you on vacation, Joe? Joe: Yeah.
The infomerical for The Yanket, a slanket with fake arms so you can secretly masturbate anywhere you want. It reappears in the ending where Chris is now wearing one.
Stewie: I threw that over him. He was just doing it out in the open before.
Cleveland putting hot sauce on his fries and talking about why African-Americans love hot sauce so much.
Cleveland: Black guys put hot sauce on everything, on account of most of us been pepper sprayed by the time we're 2. Can't taste nothing unless you got that burn on there.
When Peter drinks the shot of hot sauce, the camera zooms into his eyes, and we see clips of a volcano erupting, the surface of the sun, and a dancer girl from Rio's Carnival.
Peter: That last one was more caliente than hot, but still, holy crap!
Joe offers Peter $10 for a vertebra, causing Joe to regain his mobility while Peter becomes paralyzed. Afterwards, Peter offers Joe $10 to swap chins.
Peter: Yay, Joe's chin!
Peter accepting a dare to open a fire hydrant and drink as much water as possible.
Agent: We're here for someone using a 24 kb modem to almost start World War III.
Peter using dead birds to point to things.
"I've got another game we can play: Boggle!"
Peter never lies, except for that one time at a restaurant when a man had a heart attack and his wife asked if anyone was a doctor.
Peter:I have a 13-inch penis! *applause from everyone else in the restaurant*
Thomas Edison running around stealing credit for inventing the lightbulb and the phonograph.
Jingle:Look it up, Edison was a dick!
Peter and his friends go to a prison to get some toilet wine:
Joe: Peter, why'd you want me to get me into this prison? Peter: Because, Joe, everybody knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet. We are gonna get so wasted. Oh, look, right here. This one's full of chardonnay. (scoops some of the contents of the toilet) Joe: Peter, I don't think that's... Peter: (narrating) But it was chardonnay. The best chardonnay I've ever had in my life. The man who made it, Curtis "Murder Dog" Williams, went on to become one of America's most celebrated vintners. Joe: (narrating) Hey, Joe here. Peter's lying, he drank pee-pee.
Peter eating a croquet ball, thinking it's a tomato.
Mayor West: That was a croquet ball. Peter: (mouth full of blood and shattered teeth) Ah, then could you point me to the closest nighttime dentist?
264. - A Lot Going On Upstairs
The show begins with Stewie having nightmares:
First, he dreams he's naked at pre-school while showing his mother's driver's license.
Then he dreams he's at a dinner party with Glenn Close and doesn't recognize the Fatal Attraction reference. He lampshades how weird it is that he doesn't recognize a joke in his own dream.
Finally, he dreams he forgets his part in the opening (which doubles as this episode's opening) and is forced on the bench with other lesser-used characters such as the Sleazy Salesman, the Vaudeville Performers, and the Old-Timey Strongmen.
Stewie: Wait, how did Joe get halfway up those stairs?
Sham-Peter, Peter as a giant whale, being made to entertain people at a water park.
Handler: He's a little shy, but here he is, Sham-Peter! Peter: *jumps out of the water* I'm not shy, I'm angry! *dives into the water; comes out again* I'm in constant pain! *dives into the water; comes out again* This act has been condemned by 38 different nations!
Peter goes down to the living room, and finds the coach missing, only to remember that it's at Couchella, a music festival for sofas.
Couch: I just had sex with a girl on her period! Other Couch: Dude, that's not a brag!
The punchline to the cutaway of Stewie taking the night shift at a supermarket: the customer explains it to a guy in bondage gear chained to a wall.
Peter stole a "Caution: Children At Play" road sign. In the background, we hear children getting run over. Later on, Stewie mentions that he found a bicycle bell at the crossing where the kids got run down.
Brian being addicted to eating erasers on pencils.
Brian: THE WORLD IS SMALL AND SAFE WHEN I DO THIS!!!
The guys putting Joe in Stewie's old baby chair, and telling him its a paratroopers harness.
After Lois gets sick of Peter and his friends making a ton of noise in the attic she locks them in there by nailing the door shut. Peter eventually resorts to threatening to pooping on her wedding dress if she doesn't let them out. By the time she gets the door open, its too late, and Quagmire says he's going to need a few weeks away from all of them.
To help Stewie out, Brian brings out Chris as Frankenstein, followed by Meg as Chris, followed by Mayor Adam West as Meg, who both keep saying "a roodily toot toot". Then Stewie notices a line of characters in the window, each dressed as the character in front of themselves!
Stewie: Do they all say "a roodily toot toot?" Brian: A lot of them, yea.
"Coming up, a map with a hurricane on it, and you don't know your states yet!"
For some reason, Meg's listening to survival tips during the second half of this episode.
265. - The Heartbreak Dog
A video of the Swansons' honeymoon and 10th wedding anniversary. It's basically the same footage, but the only difference is Joe's handicapping.
Stewie tries to text Rupert on a toy cell phone.
Stewie: Hey, I want real things!
"Before I start, are these the healthy kids or more of the 'dur dur' ones?" "It's a healthy mix".
A cutaway about Brian finding out Peter's dark double life - he's a cyclist, complete with spandex, helmet and stupid little sideway mirror.
Peter: I'm sorry Brian, I didn't want you to find out this way... I'm one of these people now.
When playing charades, Peter acts like a gay man while Joe guesses Hugh Grant movies. Joe ends up guessing the correct answer, Notting Hill.
Porn movies before sound. Like regular silent films, there's a pianist providing the soundtrack live, and he's also providing sounds of the characters moaning onscreen.
"Shut up, I'm trying to hum atonally!"
Meg texts a picture of a brooch she stole to Mayor Adam West.
Mayor Adam West's Mom: Adam, are you done with that mayor homework yet? Adam: It's called a bill, mom.
Joe uploaded a video of Brian freaking out after Joe drugged him and put boots on him. Peter uploaded a video of Joe watching it.
Peter, Lois, Quagmire and Cleveland tries to tell Joe to stop tormenting Brian after he kissed Bonnie, but they keep getting sidetracked over what a shitty person Brian is.
Quagmire finally tells Bonnie she's a slut, then decides to hit on her.
Peter says they're zero for two on interventions. Seamus then throws a bottle of alcohol through the window, saying he won't stop drinking.
Bonnie watching Joe do a crossword puzzle.
Chris has been dumping pipe ashes into an urn containing someone else's ashes.
The dad from Small Wonder deciding not to rape Vicki after shutting her down.
A couple who meet on Craigslist.
Man: Ohh, I wonder which one of us is the murderer!
Joe says Brian has a chip in his ear, which makes Brian realize that's how Peter got good at hide and seek.
Peter: (sitting in a lawn chair next to a cooler full of beer, looking at his phone) You're under the canoe in Quagmire's backyard! Brian: (offscreen) Damnit!
Since they're running low on time, Peter makes Meg, Chris, and Brian race against each other to explain what happened to them.
Peter: And the winner is... Nobody. (to the camera) Especially not you. Good night.
266. - Take a Letter
Lois holds up a carton of dog milk they're serving at Stewie's preschool during snack time.
Brian: Aw, sweet, dilk! (grabs the carton, then drinks it)
Cleveland finally has a job again as a mail worker. He jokes "What can Brown do for you?", then apologizes for joking about their competitor.
Cleveland: It's grounds for dismissal if anyone ever got fired here, but they don't.
Cleveland getting into an argument with an Amazon drone while delivering mail.
Drone: By foot?! Anyway, I gotta deliver these fat pants to your fat son! (flies off) Cleveland: He was harsh, but not untruthful. We have to special order Junior's pants from a company that makes grill covers.
Flat Stanley as played by Stanley Tucci.
Tucci: Sometimes I wear glasses, and sometimes I don't.
Five Judd Hirschs fitting into a giant sweater.
Judd Hirsh: Ah, I can't wait to spill soup on this!
"Anyhoo, grab that letter opener. I'll show you why you should never mail cash."
"God, a lot of gym teacher suicide memorials in this place."
After watching a news report, Stewie realizes they voted Chris homecoming king out of pity.
Brian: Kind of like what we did with George W. Bush, huh?
Goodyear says it uses blimps because their target audience is drivers and when they're driving, they wanna look straight up.
After getting his first kiss, Chris texts Peter "U Up?" Justified, because Chris was a baby.
The Homecoming Queen died in a car crash on prom night.
Chris: She was on PCP that night, you idiots!
At the end, Peter and Cleveland play Double Dribble as Peter deliberately keeps shooting three-pointers due to a glitch.
269. - Road to India
One of the scenes in this episode's "Road To" credits shows Brian and Stewie eating Indian food while both are sitting on a toilet.
William Shakespeare enduring jokes about his collar as he walks to a store that sells collars.
Clerk: How did you like the collar? William: 'Tis not for me.
Peter as a fast-food employer flipping the bird to a sign that reads "Employees Must Wash Hands" after saying that he doesn't like being told what to do.
Jeb Bush and his wife, Consuela.
"Laughing Cow, that's gotta be a happy farm, right?"
The Tori Spelling Bee, a spelling bee with words about Tori Spelling.
Stewie tells his yoga class he's going to India.
"Come on, I think we see a cab with less than nine people in it."
Peter has the Somali pirate from Captain Phillips tell Joe he's no longer the leader of their Bingo group.
Cowboys and Indians and Indians.
Cowboy Kid: I'm gonna shoot you with my six-gun! Native American Indian: I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow! Indian: I'm just gonna stand here wearing a shirt that looks like a jacket.
Brian and Stewie shutting down a group of Indians by pressing the dots on their foreheads.
Brian: (at the same time) Now let's get out of here. Stewie: (at the same time) Now let's go see what their wieners look like.
Peter timing his farts to thunder crashes, then missing the last one because the storm is moving on.
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow's wedding.
Priest: Do you take this woman to lecture you on transfats for as long as you live? Chris: I do. Priest: And do you take this man to be a watered-down Bono until death do you part? Gwyneth: I do. Priest: I now pronounce you pretentious and terrible. You may now name your daughter after a fruit.
Chris' previous job as a man racing to the airport to win back the love of his life at the end of a romantic comedy. The punchline is worth the wait: The woman he's racing after isn't the college-bound teenage girl, it's her grandmother. Chris then says it's what the other passengers expected for flying Spirit Air.
Red Shirt Blue Shirt's songs, including "Momma Liked To Party (Chris' Song)", "Mommy and Daddy's Room", "Butt Paste On My Button", and "I Want A Little Brother".
Stewie advertised Red Shirt Blue Shirt to middle-aged moms the easiest way; the wine shelf at a supermarket. He also advertised to gay men but they got, um, a different kind of advertisement.
Stewie:(to a man) Where are you drinkin' that Chardonnay?
Peter throws a rotten apple at Mayor Adam West's car.
Mayor Adam West: I didn't know we had brown apple in the forecast. Welp, looks like we need it.
Jesus' friend Evan, who bailed on the Last Supper.
Evan: *looking at Leonardo Da Vinci's The Last Supper* Awww, they did a painting?! I would have gone if I knew they were going to do a painting!
Bruce is the play-by-play commentator for the James Woods High baseball team.
Bruce: Three strikes and he's out, just like my cousin Freddie and his drugs.
Herbert holds up signs at Chris' baseball game reading "Chris, can you sign my balls?", "I've been choking up on my bat", "I was in the minors", and "I'm not supposed to be here."
Peter talking about how impressed he is by Chris's performance at the game.
Peter: Wow, look at him go! I've never seen Chris run out on a baseball field without chasing a duck or being chased by a duck.
Cleveland telling Peter they can make "Toni Braxton money" by betting on Chris.
Peter: Is-is that a lot? Cleveland: It's a lot, then nothing, and then a record whose proceeds go directly to creditors.
The teams mascot, who has a huge baseball head, turns out to be a guy with an actual head and baseball-shaped scar when he washes off the white paint in the shower, freaking Chris out.
Peter stubbing his toe at a funeral.
Peter: OW!! Why does everything bad happen to me?! Answer me, guy in box and guy on cross!
"Little known secret about Charlton Heston: never used toilet paper. Just drop and go."
Peter asking Chris to deliberately lose the championship in Spanish.
Lois walking in and catching Chris drinking from a whisky bottle, only to find out thats how Snapple is packaged now to trick kids into drinking it. When Lois tells him that Snapple used to be really popular, Chris doesn't belive her.
Frank Sinatra, Jr. gets $40 every time someone says "my way", but Nancy Sinatra gets $60.
Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland disguising themselves as teenagers to sneak into James Woods High. Problem is, Joe based the disguises on Archie Comics, so Joe is wearing a letterman's jacket, Quagmire is dressed like The Fonz and Cleveland is wearing pink girl clothes.
Brian and Stewie's "unearned end of the series moment where we turn out the lights"... just before they torch the place.
Frank Sinatra Jr. returning to Palm Springs, which has, in his words, "been completely taken over by the gays".
272. - American Gigg-olo
Tom Tucker says it's odd for the pilots to start picketing on a Thursday.
One of the freshest cutaways yet, Peter on the Access Hollywood bus with Donald Trump.
Peter: Hey, I have an idea for this thing called "Twitter". It's a service that lets crazy people slam women and minorities at 3 AM!
Quagmire's schedule is "Picketing" until 6 PM and "Scumbag Stuff" from 9 PM.
"There's a rat trap in that cabinet with a foot in it. Somewhere in the house, there's a footless rat."
Cleveland's stealing shot glasses from The Drunken Clam because that's how he drinks NyQuil.
After Quagmire notices the gang at the strip club, Peter says their disguises didn't work. They're all wearing masks of each other's faces.
One of the first people who offer to pay Quagmire for sex is The "Who Else But Quagmire?" man, who can't satisfy his wife and wants Quagmire to do it.
The first sign of Quagmire's success as a gigolo is his dry-cleaning.
The music montage showing Quagmires start as a gigolo. Peter takes him to an ugly client, and when Quagmire indicates he can't perform, Peter puts a bag over her head. When that isn't enough, Peter puts a photo of himself on the bag. When Quagmire rejects THAT, Peter runs off crying.
Peter gets a call during Meg's cello recital and leaves.
Janitor: Meg, that was the last guy so just clean up after you're done. (wide out to reveal that no one's in the audience)
Peter betting on college football by giving the bookie a hundred bucks.
Bookie: You want to pick a team? Peter: No no, just take them.
Stewie thinks about how happy Brian's job is making him so he should just let it be even though Brian's douchiness is infuriating him. Then the credits roll, only to quickly cut back to Stewie who decides he can't stand it so he's just going to get Brian fired.
Stewie hires free Mexican migrant workers ("One's Guatemalan.") to help him come up with an idea of how to get Brian fired, but all they can think of is to either get him fired as an illegal immigrant or killing him. When Stewie pressures them, one finally fires off an idea about giving a shook-up soda can to Brians boss, an idea clearly stolen from the Simpsons. Thats the one they go with, and it works.
Stewie: Okay, if you had a friend who worked at Mega Hardware, how would you get him fired? Luis: You ask him for papers? Stewie: Okay, good. Uh, that, unfortunately, won't work in this instance. But I like your effort, Luis. Uh, any other ideas? Carlos: You could kill a guy. Stewie: You know what, Carlos, you stay quiet for a while. I really only need two of you. You'll still be paid. Migrant Worker #3: You ask for papers? Stewie: Okay, is there any idea out there besides killing a guy or getting someone deported? Carlos: We do good job, we live with you? Stewie: Well, you just offered to kill a guy, so you're not exactly number one on my roommate list. Now, let's go. I paid good money for you, I need answers! I want your best, and I won't stand for even one more stupid idea! Migrant Worker #3: You shake up boss's soda and give to him. When he open it, it explode! (Beat) Stewie: This is why I pushed you.
Quagmire's life as a hooker is featured in a movie called Hookers At Quahog Point: An HBO Gross Sex Documentary.
When the documentary crew interviews Peter, he just goes off on a tangent about how he thinks he wants to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but is worried there might be scary parts in it.
Stewie tries to find out how to perform a hernia operation on his iPhone when Brians hernia ruptures, but he says he has to update his iOS first.
Quagmires career as a gigolo finally comes to an end when a client wants to do "German stuff", and Peter tries to come to his rescue, only to get pulled in as well.
Peter: Ah! She's got us both! Help us, pimps and hos! Help us, HBO camera crew! Peter: *walking with Quagmire, both beaten and disleveled* Wow Quagmire, most of that was horrible! Quagmire: I know. Eventually, I might want to try it again.
At the end, Peter tells Quagmire that the strike ended a month ago and he e-mailed it to Quagmire, but he used an outdated AOL address.
273. - Inside Family Guy
According to Chris, the show was called "Chris Griffin: Teen Doctor" in the pilot.
Seal Team Six completed their mission in the Petercopter.
Peter makes the writers spit in each other's mouths.
Peter: You know I'm only tough on you 'cause I hate you, right?
Brian was temporarily killed off so he can star in a remake of Old Yeller where the dog shoots his owner first. It bombed.
Brian: They overestimated the number of dogs that buy movie tickets.
Adam West interrupts a scene just to show how they filmed Batman climbing up the skyscraper. He's even in costume!
"Uncle Ricky, played by sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters."
Peter makes a speech about leaving with his dignity and makes a dramatic exit through the sound stage, only for the guard at the gate to tell him his dick has been hanging out of his pants the whole time.
After David Spade debuts, everyone originally loves him, only for his grating personality and wimpy demeanor beginning to get on peoples nerves.
Cleveland has no idea who Spade is, not recognizing any of the hits Spade starred in. Then Joe mentions that Spade was also in one of the Wayan Brothers bombs, and Cleveland immediatly recognizes him, down to his character name.
Peter moves to Hollywood's historic Chateau Marmont hotel, where James Woods mentions that he once engaged in the consensual murder of an underage prostitute there.
Peter creating sexually explicit tapestry art of the Minions from Despicable Me.
James Woods talking about the shows cutaway gags, and that they're apparently produced by James Cameron, only to be corrected that its actually "James, the Cameraman" who produces them, a fat slob who got the job by selling Vicodin to some of the shows producers. He then sells some vicodin to Woods.
James: It says don't take it with alcohol, but you should take it with alcohol. Woods: Yeah, duh! I'll also need some for the girl I'm babysitting.
Peter auditioning as the supportive dad in a Cheerios commercial. His character is supposed to talk about why he decided to raise his son instead of becoming a musician.
Son: You'll always be a rockstar to me, dad. Peter: You ruined my life! I'm going to bed...
Stewie says Peter once tried to hold up a convience store with a t-shirt cannon.
"My online poker problem is burning like a wildfire!"
The Reveal at the end that the entire process of firing Peter and bringing in a replacement until Peter learns his lesson is something they repeat every week, just so they can film the REAL episode before Peter forgets his lesson and turns into a giant diva asshole again by Monday.
The episode ends with a montage of Peter getting hit in the groin with a bag of nickels in a parody of the similar montage credits used on The Simpsons, except this is all new footage just for parody purposes.
274. - Chris Has Got A Date, Date, Date, Date, Date
Cleveland dresses his stepson Rallo in a squirrel costume to steal tomatoes from Lois' garden.
Cleveland: This time, try to get like, eight of them. I want to make bruschetta.
Peter saws wood in the bedroom.
Peter: Once the floor is full of sawdust, we can eat peanuts in here!
"If you're neither insane, nor a clown, nor a posse, I'm not interested."
On New Year's Eve, Chris shouted "Some animals give me boners!" just before the stroke of midnight and balloons and confetti drop.
After getting hired for Uber, Peter instantly gets a hairy chest, a gold necklace, and a Bluetooth speaker, in which he begins to talk foreign-sounding gibberish into.
When Taylor Swift agrees to go to the dance with Chris, he then breaks the sad news to Seamus, who was getting his hair done at the time.
"But first, we go to commercial while our sports reporter smiles and spins a football for some reason."
Stewie: Screech is going to stab someone on Christmas!
When Taylor is introduced to Meg and Brian, Meg says she's not impressed because she's met Dan Aykroyd. Brian asks her which cast member of Hee Haw she is.
The family streaming Braveheart at a movie theater, complete with snacks and drinks from home.
Peter makes one of his passengers wait for hours while he does several stupid, slow errands like getting his hair cut or going to a yoga class. When there's only 20 minutes left, Peter says he can't get him to the airport that fast and calls him a Lyft driver instead, who for some reason looks like another Peter.
Chris ends up becoming a meme after Taylor's song is posted.
Photo of Chris:You Done Swifted Up
Swift's songwriting team turns out to be two super-old Jewish guys who just sing about traditional deli food. Swift just replaces the food items with "boys".
The Internet Police arrest Stewie and Brian for sending a tweet that Broad City is just okay. They end up in a jail cell with a guy who said that Caitlyn Jenner wasn't brave or beautiful, which frightens Stewie.
"Your house is nicer than Anne Murray's. We broke in there, too."
The remake of The Princess Bride with Bill Cosby, but the scene with the poisoned cups is replaced with a scene with cups with cocaine or date rape drugs in them.
275. - Hot Shots
The episode begins with the family watching a "Rational Geographic" TV documentary.
Upon realizing a trip to Africa would be smelly and gross, our crew decided to stay in the office.
Peter wants to make sure a bat Meg found in the house isn't really Grandpa Munster, so he tells the family to set up for a joke.
Chris: Hey Grandpa, how did you sleep last night? (the bat obviously doesn't answer) Peter: See, if it was him, he'd have answered: "Like I do every night, upside down!"
Peter attempts to kill the bat with a gun attached to a remote-controlled helicopter, but it backfires due to the gun firing uncontrollably, and the bat stealing the gun afterward. Then Peter reveals the bat also has a bunch of knives he gave him.
Peter dressing up as Lestat from Interview with the Vampire to "understand vampires" before he can catch the bat, only to reveal it's just him trying to reinvent himself because a guy at work told him he dresses badly. When he comes back home the next day, he reveals he's been labeled a distraction and they're going to have a meeting about him.
"Are we taking a terrible 7 AM flight?"
Peter catches the bat watching Cinemax porn at 3 AM, so the bat changes to CNBC.
When Peter is trying to hit the bat with a tennis racket, it flies into Chris's room and Peter smashes up Chris's stuff while trying to hit it. The bat flies into Stewie's room, but for no reason, Peter goes into Meg's room and smashes her stuff as well.
The cutaway of Peter narrating how he joined a cult after high-fiving a "Don't Walk" sign. In the next scene, he high-fives Stewie's x-ray.
The reason Peter didn't commit mass suicide with the rest of the cult? He doesn't like root beer, so he didn't drink his.
Dr. Hartman says he used to work at the hospital.
After realizing this episode is going to be a Lois story, Stewie tells the viewers Game of Thrones is on.
Act one ends with Peter running around town yelling that both the Wachowski brothers are now women.
Peter says he's going to pet a bunch of dogs without asking.
Brian: Don't do that, we don't like it.
A man confuses Lois' anti-vaccine demonstration with someone selling a bullhorn.
The guy who bought the bullhorn later announces the city's under quarantine with it.
Peter's anti-vaccination PSA.
Narrator: Paid for with Meg's college fund.
Stewie gets so paranoid about getting sick, he covers Chris in Saran Wrap and makes Brian wear high heels.
Chris: I'm a gas station sandwich!
"Man, there is a lot of bad art in these hallways."
Joe argues with a wheelchaired state policeman, who then argues with a wheelchaired FBI agent, but a crossing guard who can walk says he has power over all three.
Peter destroyed all the vaccines in town as The Joker.
Peter: What else did I have to do today? Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
After Meg asks if Peter was born in Mexico, he says that no one remembers it.
"I think I can keep down deviled eggs."
Brian spots a Family Circus dotted line showing where Billy went before he died of measles.
Brian: And here comes Marmaduke to lick up the vomit!
Sean Penn brings vaccines to the city because he thinks Rhode Island is a third world country.
John Goodman getting a physical. His EKG spells out "pancakes". When his doctor says he needs to go on a strict diet, Goodman refuses, and has two horses tied to his legs make it look like he can walk under his own power.
Stewie getting robbed by himself from the future who has become a glue-snorter and steals his glue.
276. - High School English
A - The Great Gatsby
The disclaimer at the opening view: Long Island Used to Be Fancy
Stewie (Nick) complaining about the loud jazz music from Gatsby's party, but is glad that at least scatting over jazz hasn't been invented yet. Cue it being invented that very night.
Women aren't allowed to ask questions yet.
Flapper: So, what's your name? Stewie (Nick): Madam, you forget yourself!
Nick noting that Gatsby was clearly playing with himself with his hand in his pocket.
The scene where Gatsby and Nick are looking at the green light across the bay from Daisy's house, one of the most famous scenes from the novel.
"Yeah, lot of weird coincidences for an American classic, huh?"
Lois (Daisy) saying that Nick's vacation home is small and ugly.
Stewie: Well, it's not that palace of domestic abuse you live in.
Stewie takes the credit of making deviled eggs when the devil made them.
Lois throwing Jay (Brian)'s shirts around.
Brian: Were you this crazy when we dated before?
Stewie says that they're just going to cut the parts about him dating Jordan (Meg.)
Peter (Tom) lampshading some of the rather bizarre parts of the original novel.
Peter: I invited you here and sat you next to my wife to tell you to stay away from my wife! *to the whole table* You know what we should do? We should drunkenly drive into Manhattan and get a hotel room and have the same conversation we're having here-I'm starting to think this isn't a very good book.
Peter's illicit affair with the mechanic Wilson (Joe)'s wife.
Peter: (tosses money to Joe) Have fun raising my bastard!
Tom (Peter) honks his car horn to see if they're in "the funny horn era".
Peter: (happily) It is!!
B - Huckleberry Finn
Huckleberry Finn (Peter) playing real life Angry Birds (due to the story being set in the 1800s) by taking a bird and flinging it towards pigs.
Peter specifying that he's playing Huck Finn and Chris is playing Tom Sawyer.
Huck complaining when the Widow Liebner (Lois) tells him to go to church because he's already been to church three times that day.
Peter tells Jim (Cleveland) he skipped a stone six times and gets mad when he thinks Jim doesn't believe him. Jim's thoughts reveal that he did see it and it was amazing, but he's not telling Huck because Huck claims he didn't see Jim hit an apple core into a trash basket from far away.
After Chris breaks Curly's (Quagmire) hand, Stewie asks to leave early for a dental appointment.
Stewie's lax reaction to Chris saying "everything is my head is screaming"
Chris asking if he can touch himself while Stewie is gone.
Stewie: Again, you don't have to schedule that with me.
The abrupt ending after Stewie shoots Chris.
Stewie: Good night, kids. Good luck with those book reports. (walks off)
Brian getting killed in all three stories.
277. - Carter and Tricia
The game show Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?
Host: I somehow manage to look ripped and deathly ill at the same time.
Igor complains that Doctor Frankenstein shouldn't have made a guy.
After finding out that Peter works at the brewery, new owner Carter makes him "the guy with the ski tan who doesn't talk about it".
Then Carter gives him a standing desk and forces him to talk about it to the "chair people" and tell them sitting kills three times a day.
While visiting Channel 5, Peter discovers that Ollie Williams is also a Standing Desk Guy.
Joe revokes Brian's driver's license, so he calls an Uber home. His driver? Joe.
"Goodnight, gender-transitioning co-worker we had a whole meeting about."
When Carter insists that the brewery's beer cans now be made out of potentially toxic material, Angela says that word of the change getting out would be one of the most notorious developments in beer history, second only to Michelob Ultra Dragon Fruit Peach. A "Not Making This Up" Disclaimer comes up saying "ACTUAL BRAND OF BEER. HONEST TO GOD."
Carter hopes the reporter that interviews him is Kermit the Frog in a trenchcoat.
After Tricia interviews Carter, Peter tries to hide from him through Clark Kenting... and it works!
Carter: Hello citizen! Have you seen Peter?
Barbara's been admitted to a sanitorium after Carter says he's leaving her for Tricia. Carter says that "sanitarium" is a strange word because that place was a filthy hellhole.
The driving safety video, featuring Stewie in all the roles.
Brian: Stewie, is this about mouth stuff while driving? Stewie: It's about all types of driving safety, yes.
Jesus talking to his son.
Peter playing chess in the style of a Japanese game show. A woman is whipping his scrotum while the host is laughing through a picture-in-picture.
Peter: I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY THE HORSE GOES!! Why is that guy laughing at me?! Where is he?! *timer buzzes* This was on a time limit?! Nobody told me that! (is sprayed by several midgets with fire extinguishers) Host: Time for Good Door, Bad Door! Peter: *is dragged off by two goons* How bad is the bad door?!
Several decades later, a now elderly, quadruple amputee Peter is regaling his life story to his grandson.
Grandson: How bad was the Bad Door, Grandpa Peter? Peter: Not too bad, but shortly after, I was almost eaten alive by an escalator! *the timer suddenly buzzes again* THE GAME IS STILL GOING?! Host: *a now elderly host appears again* Ohhh, you lose chess! *the grandson sprays Peter with another extinguisher*
"Let me just burp through my nose for a second, I've been drinking seltzer."
After it's revealed that Tricia only slept with Carter as part of her expose on the brewery, we learn that Chris got an internship at Channel 5 and tries to record 20 seconds of room tone.
Carter: What's room tone? Chris: Dang it, now we gotta start again.
"Coming up: Nicki Minaj... is a bear?"
The founder of the Boy Scouts.
Powell: Ma'm, I'd like to take your son into the woods! Mother: What? That sounds suspicious. Powell: What if I told you we'd be wearing shorts and handkerchiefs and I'll give him patches for doing what I say?
After Brian says he'll be able to go to dog parties again, the cutaway that follows is done in the style of the kids' book Go, Dog. Go! which ends on a weird note because one of the dogs is sad that Chris Farley O.D'd.
Carter's plan to humiliate Tricia is by spiking her drink with a substance that will cause her to "triple" herself, which is vomiting, defecating, and climaxing at the same time. When Peter asks why such a thing would even exist, Carter simply says "Cosby."
Tricia's mother complains that Tricia's not married and compares her to Connie Chung and Maury Povich.
She also complains that Tricia doesn't have any children, so there will be no one to take care of her when she's 120 years old.
After Peter intercepts the spiked drink and messes up his rental tux, he returns it by throwing it at the clerk in a leaky garbage bag.
At the end of the episode, Stewie tells Brian he owes him a favor... then asks to go out for ice cream.
Kid: I don't understand... Lynch: Thats the point, let the fear wash over you! Also, did you leave a plate of black coffee out for me? Kid: No? Lynch: In the future, please leave a plate of black coffee out for me. Also in the past.
The second passion of Jesus Christ was sledding.
Jesus: Eat this, for this is my dust!
Stewie saying that the only reason he has a Dora the Explorer sled is because they got it at a yard sale.
Mayor West is closing off the hill due to parents suing the city for their children getting head injuries when they crash into cars parked beneath it. When Peter talks him out of it, West takes a sled ride down, only to immediatly crack his skull against a car too.
Joe using one of his many bedpans as a sled.
Peter: You make every activity incredibly sad.
Peter and the kids' GoPro videos while sledding on a dining room table.
Stewie says he always gets amused whenever Brian wears pants.
Peter playing "Talk To Someone Else's Wife In A Bikini Until They Cover Up Uncomfortably". After talking to Bonnie and getting annoyed that she covered her chest after about two seconds, Peter covers HIMSELF when he talks to Quagmire.
"Well, we got $60. Let's see what kind of Chinese pressboard garbage we can get to replace my grandmother's priceless mahogany table."
Chris wants to sit on Santa's lap. First Peter tells him he's way too old, but when Chris explains that he wants to ask for a family trampoline, Peter enthusiastically encourages him.
Peter getting sad when the guy running the Santa's Village calls him "hefty".
The cutaway of Peter's Farmers Only dot com date.
Peter: Are you the gross lady who lives in the converted horse trailer? Peter: It doesn't say "whites only", but... yeah.
"And before you cry to your mom, that's my cell phone you're feeling."
Amongst Peter's freebies he gets as the mall Santa: A personalized license plate that says "Corey".
Stewie says that there's a white elephant going on. Not the gift exchange, a fat secretary in white is making out with anyone.
Peter forcing a traffic cop to eat a ticket he was going to put on his car.
The 1-877-Kars-4-Kids jingle in an opera style.
Peter: I lost my virginity to this song.
Stewie and Brian robbed the houses of every gay man in Quahog the night Wicked premiered in town.
The first few moments of Santa meeting (a very drunk) Peter is spent explaining that Santa isn't a genie.
After meeting the real Santa, Peter is surprised to learn he's fatter.
The little drummer boy in his Neil Peart phase.
Santa's revenge at Peter? Texting Joe as Peter and forcing him to go to Build-A-Bear Workshop.
Peter strikes back by replacing one of his reindeer with a normal one, which an elf cuts and it ends up in the Griffins' dining room.
Chris: Yay, free horse!
Santa's gift to Peter after making up: A copy of the Penthouse Peter found in the woods when he was 12 with Vanessa Williams and George Burns on the cover, a callback to the earlier joke about Peter not asking for anything for Christmas that year when he found it.
Santa telling Peter he wasn't the worst Santa, Bill Cosby was.
279. - Passenger Fatty-Seven
Henry Ford marketing his Model T Ford car as a "jew flattener".
Peter crosses his eyes, but one iris goes into the other eye. A giant hand with a pencil then erases the pupil and draws it back on his correct eye.
Peter: Thanks, sweatshop Korean animator, you've earned your nickel this week.
Peter later asks the animator to draw the gang as X-Men. Peter is Wolverine, Cleveland is Cyclops, Quagmire is Colossus, and Joe is Prof. Xavier, to which he flatly responds "What a surprise."
Peter has accidentally double-booked his trip with Lois' trip to a timeshare, so he steals her cab and runs off, accidentally taking her luggage instead of his own. Lois finds a blow-up doll of herself in Peter's luggage.
The montage of the boys with lesbian haircuts seeing San Francisco over "Come To My Window" by Melissa Ethridge just so they can get the gay jokes out of the way.
Joe with muscular arms saying he didn't expect San Francisco to have so many hills.
"Yes, I will have eight Dasanis and a J.D. Power and Associates."
Quagmire managed to build Hogwarts out of 10,000 Lego bricks while the plane was on autopilot. Joe later breaks the Dumbledore figure (who he thinks is Gandalf).
The plane's communication breaks down, so Quagmire uses a back-up: two tin cans and a string.
"Coming up in the midday news, a couple in their 30s get married without their dog in the wedding. You won't believe their story."
Not only is this episode a parody of hijacking movies, but there's also the obligatory anxious businessman who wants the hijacking to end quickly... because he turns out to be a standby at the end of act two after the group of hijackers are defeated.
There's also a guy who's sleeping through this at the beginning of act three. Peter wakes him up so he won't sleep through his own death.
The parody of the opening to The Golden Girls with the wives and Ida as the girls when Lois wonders what their lives will be like if their husbands die.
Stewie: Oh my god, now I want dad to die!
When Joe opens the landing gears to suck the hijacker out of the plane, he tells Peter to hang on to something. Peter accidentally grabs on to his own belt.
Quagmire tells the passengers they're flying over Yosemite National Park during the hijacking.
The hijackers plan to crash the plane in Vegas because they hate Rita Rudner.
Quagmire is confused about exactly what nationality the hijackers are after one of them talks about putting custard on dumplings.
"You know, we never did nail what region you guys are from."
After defeating the last hijacker by doing a barrel roll after turning on the "fasten seat belt" sign, he finds that all the passengers haven't buckled their seat belt.
At the end, Peter announces they were flying Spirit Airlines.
280. - Gronkowsbees
The Bone Zone, a version of the NFL Red Zone channel, but showing all the sex scenes on TV.
Host: Over on Game of Thrones we have a malnourished albino plowing a girl in a hot tub as he names dragons. Oh, there's a Bone Zone Alert for Girls, which we'll ignore cause it's Gabby Hothman Donald Duck'ing it.
Peter having breakfast in bread. He's somehow baked himself inside a loaf of bread and makes lots of bad puns.
Lois: Peter, I don't know what this is but we're 4 months behind on our mortgage.
Peter subscribing to the Dangerous Idiot newsletter, which has a story on how to tailgate speeding firetrucks to get places faster.
When Brian tells Stewie he doesn't have time to play tea party with him, Stewie asks him exactly what he's busy with and Brian can't think of anything.
Stewie began beekeeping because Lois missed the registration for soccer.
The cutaway about an 8th grader who just got laid for the first time... except it turns out he was actually molested by a priest, yet everyone still treats it as a sexual conquest. And the PRIEST is the one crying.
Peter: Aw, my nightmare dog is dead. Marley and me.
The ridiculous nonsense in Rob's house, such as a jacuzzi filled with coffee (sponsored by Dunkin Donuts), a pool full of Alphabet Soup (sponsored by Campbell) and a shower that sprays Monster Energy drink (sponsored by Monster).
Cleveland: Why do you keep saying what everything is sponsored by? Rob: My manager said if I don't, I won't go to heaven. Sponsored by SMS Audio Sweatproof Headphones.
And of course, some of the extreme, nonstop late-night partying that cause Peter and Lois to want him out of their neighbourhood:
"If I wanted to hear a black guy rambling on, I'd watch Family Feud."
"I'd like to thank our sponsor, the U.S. Postal Service. If you want something expensive thrown on your porch and stolen, you want the U.S. Postal Service."
Brian freaks out over a pop-up book of a bird.
Peter hiding from Lois in Stewie's crib because Lois is making him wash his hands after he poops.
The club owner asking Peter what the song he's playing is.
Peter: I dunno, it's just random garbage on my computer. Owner: Great, you must be a DJ! I own a club for cocaine people and Armenians, would you like to play for me?
Peter hides a melody by adding the sound of power tools.
Peter: Yeah, I'd drink vodka and Gatorade to that!
Brian and Stewie playing Tom Sizemore's Game Of Life.
Stewie: Sell rights to Saving Private Ryan residuals for a case of Coors Light. Brian: Steal your son's wallet while he's in the shower. Stewie: Seems like we should be moving these pieces backwards.
Another one of the cards is "scoop someone's urine from Starbucks toilet to pass drug test". Later on, Peter says he saw Sizemore in the bathroom of the dance club.
Stewie says they have a recurring flea problem. Cue Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Stewie: Get out of here, Flea! You're not welcome here! And put on a shirt, you're 50! Flea: Actually 54.
The gang robbing a bank wearing masks of lesser-known presidents. Joe gets mad because the bank teller thinks he should have been FDR because of the wheelchair.
Peter realizes he's gone deaf not because he can't hear Lois rambling about him staying out late or Meg screaming in pain because she's on fire. He realizes it because he can't hear a Garfield cartoon playing on the TV.
Peter asks Joe to spell a questions using Alpha Bits, except for the letter Ls because he ate them all.
It turns out Lois isn't allergic to Brian. Peter stuffed some pillows with hay because he thinks it's comfortable.
At the end, the gang watches Joe play Big Buck Hunter, despite not being able to see the screen.
Peter: We didn't even put quarters in the game. He don't know.
This is a Call-Back to earlier in the episode, where Joe was playing Golden Tee Golf.
Peter: He's just cycling through clubs.
282. - The Finer Strings
Peter said he performed "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy" while catching babies and guessing their weight at his high school talent show.
Lois: Did that really happen? Peter: No, I just lip-synced "Born To Run".
Cataract quiz: Which of two pixelated pictures is Jessica Chastain? The answer: Neither. They're both Carrot Top.
After King Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, it let out a long fart.
Stone: Sorry, it's been like 500 years!
Peter and Quagmire lift Joe into the booth. Joe sinks and Peter decides to have Cleveland and Quagmire lift Joe up again so he can play a few notes as Joe sinks.
Carter has Brian read comic strips.
Brian: The Wizard of Id is addressing his subjects. Carter: Is he up in the balcony? Brian: Yes. Carter: Then you know it's a good one.
Peter gets caught using a fake ID with Kathy Bates' picture on it.
Cashier: (calls his manager) That lady who ate all the pies is back.
When Carter's eyes have recovered, Dr. Hartman asks him to find Waldo in a Where's Waldo? book.
"Whatever you're going to say next, I bet it's wrong."
Woody catching Buzz Lightyear in bed with Bo Peep.
Bo Peep: Um... you've got a friend in me?
Peter's commercial for Fat Guys Deodorant.
Peter: Apply every 5 minutes and you're good for 5 minutes!
After picking up his dry cleaning, Quagmire tests a bag for autoerotic asphyxiation.
Peter's violin tutor turns out to be Mr. Washy-Washy. True to form, his teaching methods are basically torture.
Washy-Washy: YOUR FINGERS AREN'T BLEEDING, YOU NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH!!
Peter says Lois takes too long to get ready for a night out. The cutway is Lois forcing him to admit it's really him because he doesn't like how he looks.
Brian gets Stewie to go along with his plan to re-blind Carter by telling him Carter said he didn't think Stewie could be a member of One Direction.
Stewie: I'm pretty sure you're manipulating me, but let's go blind that old bastard.
The liquid Stewie uses to blind Carter is just tap water from Flint, Michigan. After he says it, we cut to Stewie punching a poster reading "Things Stewie Can't Say".
Stewie pulls a lever for a hasty wrap-up to end the subplot.
The episode ends with a montage of photos of the gang drunk at a wedding reception to "December, 1963 (Oh What A Night)".
283. - The Dating Game
Throughout the first few scenes, Joe keeps baiting the others to ask about his sister, and they refuse to fall for it.
"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, tonight's second story."
Tom Tucker talking about the Medieval Castle location going out of business.
Tom: Yeah, it's a surprise that a restaurant where you eat with your hands next to piles of horse manure while untrained theater students fight with real swords is drowning in lawsuits.
Peter as the only white guy at a White Castle.
Peter: Misleading name...
Al Harrington is the auctioneer for the Medieval Castle auction.
Harrington mentioning that the Castle is really just a fiberglass front on top of an old muffler store.
The ridiculous offers Mayor West and Peter makes at the auction, such as two bits (25 cents), a mystery bag that might contain either money or socks, and a box that might contain a mystery bag.
The gang charges into a lamp store and breaks everything after the owner cancels the store insurance, and the owner kills himself in despair. To add on to the irony, his wife just cancelled her husband's life insurance.
As the gang prepares to shoot flaming arrows, Peter says "Archers". Carl opens a window and says "Yeah?"
Dr. Hartman: What's the difference between these two pictures? Oh yeah, the pie's had a wedge removed.
Act one ends with Quagmire asking Scott Baio, Scott Caan, and "douchebag music director" Scott Storch if they knew about Tinder.
Joe: Quagmire, all the Scotts know about Tinder.
Quagmire tries to set up a huge detailed Tinder profile, but Peter tells him to put up a selfie of himself wearing an open bathrobe covering his crotch with hundred-dollar bills. He then tries to respond to a Tinder match with a long letter, but Peter tells him to just send a text with the emoticons of an eggplant and an erupting volcano.
Quagmire's Good Angel, Bad Angel fight goes to a second dimension as the Good Quagmire has his own Good and Bad Quagmire.
The episode ends with Peter, Joe, and Cleveland kicking soccer balls with a $200 prostitute.
284. - Cop And A Half-Wit
The Terminator, but with him telling people he needs to have sex with their housekeepers to stop Skynet.
House Owner: I think you're just modern-day Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Joe's current job at the police station is to edit out security footage of cops peeing all day from the footage from the dashboard cameras. He uses what he edited out for compilations for cops' birthdays.
And the station's gerbil outranks him.
A male pig trying on lipstick at a store and almost getting caught by his wife.
Peter wipes a booger on the police car's roof saying it's a 70s siren.
Joe as a magician's assistant in the sawing a man in half trick.
Joe: (after he can't wiggle his toes) That's what I've been trying to tell you before the show.
Larry, the Self-Loathing Idiot, glad to learn he has three months to live.
Peter working out with a punch bag with Dave Matthews' head. After realizing it's not annoying enough, he switches to one with David Lee Roth's head.
"So these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow."
A montage of Peter and Joe fighting crime to "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" featuring:
The boys accidentally kicking open the door of a space shuttle.
A section of Peter unzipping himself in disguises (such as a hooker and a truck filled with flat screen televisions), leading to one where they're both each other, then Peter unzipping the background revealing The Simpsons!
The last scene from The Naked Gun with Peter and Joe's face editing out Frank and Nordberg's.
Mayor Adam West prepares to eat a cobb salad in a briefcase during a press conference.
Drunk: Hey, is there a skeleton in a wig who can drive me home? Maria Shriver: Yeah, I'm here. The Terminator: Look at this mess! Where is the housekeeper?!
"Ow! They're beating me with vaping accesories!"
285. - Saturated Fat Guy
Peter says he's not watching Food Kills, the DVD Lois got as a fundraising gift.
Cleveland watched Tyler Perry's version. "It's the same movie, but starring black actors you've never heard of, and white actors you used to hear of but not anymore."
The PBS website is "www. double-u double-u double-u dot pbs dot com .com".
Host: There was a miscommunication when we registered our domain name.
Droopy after his facelift.
Droopy: (with a gigantic grin) Contrary to my appearance, I'm still not happy. (aims a gun at his chest) Please study my brain to prevent others from suffering like I have. (iris out, stopping just before he shoots himself)
"Meg's talking to a boy!"
The roller derby coach keeps trying to hand Meg various notes and schedules relating to the sport, but he always gives her papers identifying him as a sex offender.
Coach: I'm just gonna stop handing you stuff.
The twist in the last M. Night Shamalayan movie: Someone bought tickets for it.
The comically unhealthy grilled cheese sandwich Peter makes in his car; it contains hot dogs, peanut butter, Doritos and the insides of a Cadbury egg.
Peter's body rejects quinoa, and we see inside Peter's body that it's being kept out of a nightclub by a bouncer, who lets in two gummy bears dressed in skimpy clothing.
The roller derby coach asks if there's a couch with wheels trying out because it happened last year. Sure enough, one of the tryouts is a couch with wheels and a wig.
Peter is confused over whether Donna or Roberta is Cleveland's wife.
The horn for Peter's "Eat My Junk" food truck is him laughing to the tune of "La Cucaracha".
Bruce drinking a milkshake with a hot dog as a straw on his knees.
Peter: I'm glad for the business but you drinking that on your knees is just putting a hat on a hat.
"This season is brought to you by Barry's Note Cards. When you need to remind yourself of the sponsor, use Barry's Note Cards."
"Make some noise if you're mixing prescription drugs with alcohol!"
Peter giving Chris a bowl of cereal that's just M&Ms and Dr. Pepper.
Chris as a skeet shooting target.
Skeet Shooter: Pull! Chris: I got in the wrong line! (skeet shooter shoots him)
Chris stabs himself in the neck with a pair of scissors after Peter says he runs like a girl. Then we cut to his funeral, where Peter buried him in a dress.
Peter: Run like a man, you get a suit.
Joe pointing out that Peter has put on weight while living in the food truck because his elbows are starting to pucker.
The gang getting excited over the Bing street view car driving past their street.
Morgan Freeman narrates the end of both plots: No one watched the second half of the roller derby finals because they were all watching a fat kid play DanceDanceRevolution and Peter was immortalized on Bing street view naked, hanging from a harness, and getting hosed clean.
Freeman: Dance, you fat bitch.
286. - Peter's Lost Youth
Peter tuning a guitar in front of an audience.
Peter: This was in perfect tune when they handed it to me.
Peter on an airport luggage carousel. He gets picked up and mistaken for a similar Peter wearing a red bowtie.
As Peter runs to first base, his brain gets a phone call from his muscle saying they're shutting him down.
Chris: Look, dad's planking from eight years ago.
Peter narrates what happened after his at bat: No one saw it because the third baseman had a coronary, and as they drove home, the puppet show the kids performed caused Peter to crash his car, injuring Lois' other leg.
287. - The Peter Principal
Sesame Street on HBO: Cookie Monster eating out Big Bird's ass in his trademark "nom-nom" style.
Joe explains that "In The Air Tonight" is about a guy watching another guy drown and that Phil Collins wrote it and performed it so they could arrest the guy. Then he checks Snopes and says that none of that happened.
Brian complaining about how he can't focus on writing with all the noise in the neighborhood.
Peter: Hey Brian, I'm that boring storyline about the fat guy watching that girl.
Meg finds the Ark of the Covenant in her locker and her face melts.
Bully: Haha, Meg is so stupid, she couldn't handle the glory of God's love!
Principal Shepherd is going through a nasty divorce and brings his problems to school. Among other things, he's sleeping in his car and has a breakdown over having listened to his wife having sex with the ADT guy over the phone when she butt-dialed him.
At the PTA meeting, Peter gives another guy his pre-chewed gum.
When Peter introduces himself as interim principal, he does the Ice Bucket Challenge. Three years after it stopped being relevant, which is just in time for a principal.
Peter: This is for you, guy who's probably already dead.
Peter gets the kids to join in "an expertly choreographed lip-dub to a popular song". The song they choose is "Uptown Funk", until Peter trips and falls backward down a staircase. The song continues for a few seconds after Peter's head starts bleeding.
In the subplot, Stewie and Brian start a bed and breakfast, only to realize that their only customers are guys who rent rooms to have sex with hookers. Stewie decides to just embrace it and turn the place into a brothel. Brian refuses but immediately changes his mind when Stewie shows him a stack of money. Adam West is watching Brian agree to it in mid-sentence in his comedy crystal ball.
Adam West: Haha, I'm telling you that dog is very easily persuaded. Now let's see what's going on over at the old high-school!
Peter attempting to smash a desk with a baseball bat, but ends up knocking the whole shelf over and the whole display turns into him trying desperately to stand back up while slipping on the bats on the floor. At one point, his shirt gets torn off when it gets caught on a shelf hook.
Peter telling a kid to salute the American flag.
Peter: Loads of people fought for that thing, including yours truly! Kid: You were in the service? Peter: ...I may have misunderstood what "yours truly" means.
Peter's 1980s crime series, Gary Ratowski: Hockey Cop.
Peter: Uh oh, here come the real cops. Narrator: Hockey Cop: Not A Cop!
Brian trying to deliver pizza in New Orleans when a marching jazz band blocks his way.
Band:We're all just blocking the street, we're all just blocking the street!
Brian eventually gets so sick of it that he throws the pizza to the street and joins the band.
Peter as a placekicker fist bumping black guys.
Brian and Stewie's business venture ends when the prostitutes decide to just take over the house and locks them out. In response, Stewie calls the cops on them, and the two watch the chaos from across the street.
"Most of what America is now is just boxes going back and forth."
Peter says next time he'll get back at bullies by fighting them in a parking lot.
Peter: I'm planning on dying tonight. (punches himself in the face) What are your plans?
288. - Dearly Deported
Peter takes acid from a water park ride operator, thinking it's a Starburst.
Ride Operator: Would you also like to ride the Skittles rainbow? Peter: Is it also acid? Ride Operator: Sir, I'm an adult who works at a waterpark. If I give you something, it's acid.
Brian and Meg ride a water slide together and Brian somehow ends up with his mouth in Meg's face.
Adam West: Hey, you idiot, you gotta wait until the guy says go!
The Griffin's trip to Philadelphia: the flight got cancelled and everyone cheers.
Caption: "This joke in loving memory of W.C. Fields"
Chris tries to talk to Isabella in what he thinks is her native language. However, he's speaking Korean. He then turns to the camera and says "that went well" in Korean. Cut to a live-action clip of a Korean family laughing.
Chris thinks the knocking on the window is Herbert.
Herbert: It's not me, I'm in your closet!
Since Isabella's being deported, she gives her twins to Chris because Consuela is busy working as the new CEO of Yahoo.
At the end of act one, Chris names the twins "Juan" and "Two".
Peter: ''(holding a book titled "Name Jokes For Mexicans") I'm glad he's reading the book.
Meg says Peter's reading the newspaper upside-down. Actually, Peter's head is upside-down.
Stewie working at the diner in the painting "Nighthawks".
Stewie: They kicked me out of the War for kissing a guy.
Chris takes the twins to Whole Foods to buy healthy groceries, but when the tab ends up being 500$, Chris says they're just going to go to Jersey Mike's and hope future science will save them instead. Cut to the distant future where the twins and Chris are disembodied heads on robot bodies.
Chris: Yay, we're jar people! (trips and his jar smashes open, causing his face to shrivel) AHHH! Science, help!! Commercial Host: Jersey Mike's! Bring your girlfriend with the fat ass in here!
CSI: Babies, a show about babies freaking out near a dead body. It freaks out Stewie to the point where he hides in a pillow fort and finds Peter for the same reason.
Stewie: They can't solve this crime, they're just babies! They don't even know there's a crime, they just know their parents aren't there!
"I got good news and I got ay-ay-ay news"
Peter hosting a confusing game show.
The Griffins drive to Mexico using the wrong stock footage.
Isabellas home village is named "Santa Terrible". The name is very apt.
Peter tries to summon El Chapo by speaking about eyebrows into the wind. It doesn't work, he gets Peter Gallagher and Mark Cuban instead.
Peter: We're getting all the wrong eyebrow guys!
The last time Quagmire was out of town, Peter had to watch Quagmire's eggs and ended up being ambushed by mongeese.
After the mexican police steals their plane and car, Peter calls him a "fat, stupid guido". When Lois points out thats the wrong racial slur, he says that he was thinking of Snookie.
"Yeah, Donald Trump was right. His daughter is a hot piece of ass."
Chris covering for Peter's vehicular manslaughter.
Consuela is able to find the gang because the babies' ears where chipped for Consuela's "Donde Esta Mi Baby?" app. Also, it turns out they had managed to wander into Texas completely by accident. Quagmire points out that, politics aside, that is a problem.
On the drive home, they took a detour to Dollywood.
Kid Rock: I just took a leak into a beer can without spilling. Peter: You're ready. You don't need me anymore. Kid Rock: Will I ever see you again? Peter: Wherever a father weighs less than his daughter, I'll be there. Wherever a person has a banner for a football team, I'll be there. Wherever there's a fight in a Waffle House, I'll be there! Now go, people need a concert to go to after the waterpark!
At the end of act one, an ostrich is amongst Peter's children because he's at the wrong house. A group of ostriches laugh at this.
Stewie shoe-shames Peter's Bavarian son. He gets it because it just reached Germany.
Lois is depressed and being followed by a blob in old Zoloft commercials.
Blob: Who would want to (bleep) me?
Larry apologizing for doodling swastikas on the place mat at lunch due to being nervous.
Lois: I just wish we hadn't gone to a kosher restaurant.
One of Peter's kids is visibly mentally impaired, and Stewie comments that he doesn't blink a lot. He's also so tall that he hits his head against the entryway on his way out of the kitchen, slightly breaking it.
After Lois explains that he kissed Peter's son Larry, Brian tries to lick her.
Brian: Sorry, I thought you meant like, you're open for business? Lois: NO!! I'm confiding in a friend! Stewie: Haha! You're the safe friend!
"From that day forward, Peter and Lois never... oops, there's another scene left."
At the end, we see a sewer filled with alligators and rats, all of which laugh like Peter.
Alligator/Rat/Peter Hybrid: We have fun down here.
290. - Emmy-Winning Episode
Vedder Call Saul, where Eddie Vedder calls Saul, singing throughout.
Peter has everyone fart and vomit before the Comedy sequence.
Peter pointing out how offensive the minority characters on a lot of Emmy-winning shows are after Sofia Vergara makes a joke about her cousin living in the Amazon and making shoes made from leaves.
Sofia Vergara replaces Lois for the role of Lois, and Lois is demoted to playing a random UPS delivery woman. She's obviously furious but when she threatens Peter if he tries touching Vergara, he just slams the door in her face.
Chris, as Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory waits for the laughter to die down... even though no one's laughing.
In a parody of Transparent, Peter decides to undergo gender-reassignment surgery. Quagmire, who doesn't seem to have really grasped what they're doing, wonders if he's driving his friends and family to this since his dad had already undergone the same operation.
And instead of the Drunken Clam, everyone is hanging out at Cheers!
Stewie and Brian are Mitchell and Cameron from Modern Family. Stewie claims Brian is mad because he has to be "the lady one".
The Live Studio Ostrich in a grad cap and nerd glasses.
Peter: Just look how smart our audience is! Ostrich: Hahaa!
Peter wipes the "For Your Emmy Consideration: Meg Griffin" tag on screen.
Meg: (sitting in a bathtub) You've given me the courage to eat this cake in a weird place.
The Emmy Commission hated act one so much, they awarded them a Negative Emmy, so now the show owes them an Emmy.
Peter says that Robot Chicken is "four minutes of something that breaks up personal injury ads at 1 AM."
Peter: It's what 10-year olds watched in 2006.
After the death of Adam West, it seemed like any line could be his last. Here was the first of those possible lines.
Cleveland: You Five-O? Mayor Adam West: No, I'm 87, but how flattering!
A cutaway featuring the old lady from Downton Abbey's eyeballs wins an Emmy for "Best Cutaway". Even funnier, this cutaway is animated in a style similar to the classic Monty Python stop-motion segments. According to her, her eyeballs move independently so she can see all the awards flying at her.
Cleveland tells Peter to kill a kid so that viewers can ask if the characters actually killed a kid. Later, during a shootout, they do kill a kid, who for some reason is shooting at them alongside the gang members and is riding a big wheel.
These three title cards:
I didn't want to go to her soccer game either. Oops, that was meant to be a text for my wife. 12 HOURS LATER?
Breaking Bad!Lois reveals that "she's much darker" than Peter and the viewers ever thought, and they have to kill Joe and take back their drug money becaue she doesn't want to go back to using regular Hulu instead of Hulu Plus.
Peter: We don't even watch that much Hulu! Lois: I STILL WANT IT JUST IN CASE!!
At the end of the Drama sequence, we see a couple watching it and deciding to watch it, based on their diversity. Then we see a dragon, who liked it. THEN we learn the dragon's the husband.
Peter begins his quest for any Emmy by declaring "Best Stunt Performance" and throwing Brian through the window. Then he learns there's no category for that and declares "Best Documentary" and throws Stewie out the window.
Peter on Project Runway is told that he's out. Not out of the show, his dick is hanging out of his pants.
Peter think Alec Baldwin is the Michelin Man.
The episode ends with Peter announcing a "live-action chicken fight featuring Ty Burrell." Cue Ty strangling a rubber chicken, then being handed an Emmy.
Ty: I don't have any more room in my house.
291. - Foxx in the Men House
Chris calling Stewie out on his needless pessimism:
Stewie: Ugh. You know later, we're going to have to take one of those forced happiness family photos that come in the restaurant's tacky frame. Chris: Why are you so fucking negative all the time? Stewie: I, uh, what, I don't, uh... what?
The Griffins courtside at an NBA game: A player trips and lands on them, and somehow, Lois and Meg get pregnant.
Peter tries to figure out a product obscure and useless enough that Anthropologie doesn't have it in stock. First, he tries a $4,000 ping-pong table shaped like Easter Island (they have it), then a decorative phone made out of shredded phonebooks (they have it). When the clerk tells him he won't be able to think of a useless enough product, he points out one thing they don't have: black customers. She promptly melts like The Wicked Witch of The West.
Finally able to sneak into the Anthropologie women's bathroom, Peter uses a stall reserved for Meryl Streep, figuring that there's no way she'll show up. Suddenly a pair of women's feet appear outside the stall.
Lois: (Peter walks out of the bathroom bruised and beaten) Let me guess, you got your ass kicked by Meryl Streep? Peter: No, it was just some low-class Cockney woman from the mid-1800's- (gasps) OH MY GOD! (tears up) She. Is. Amazing! Lois: Thank you! (pulls off a mask, revealing she's actually Meryl Streep, and hits Peter in the head with an Oscar statue) Now stay out of my crapper! (the scene pulls out, revealing the Oscar ceremonies where Streep wins another Oscar for the previous scene)
At Wimbledon, the ladies' room has two stalls facing each other. The women in the stalls grunt as if they were playing tennis.
After binging the first season of House Of Cards on an iPad, Peter wants to know where the house of cards was.
Stewie: By the way, you're down to 5% battery.
While Peter is being tended to by a paramedic after falling and smashing his head on the bathroom sink, Stewie intercepts a text from Lois.
Stewie: Lois just sent a text; "hamburgers or meatballs for dinner?" (writes) Same thing, bitch! just different shapes! (several text replies pop up) Oh ho, this is gonna be fun- oh, the battery died.
Peter is very impressed by the paramedic who saved him, and asks if he's the coolest guy ever.
Paramedic: Nah, thats just a silly title they gave me down at the "Karate Paintball Dirtbike Club".
As a rookie firefighter, Peter managed to slide up a fire pole.
Peter and Striker discover they have two halves of the same friendship coin necklace. Striker asks if Peter is "Cody", and Peter reveals that was probably the name of the dead surfer he found his half on.
Brian complains that the Olympics always uses football announcers for sports they don't know about.
Announcer: (For a swimming event) And it looks like Canada won- oh wait, they're going back the other way.
Peter dresses up in a ridiculously flashy outfit, including a silk shirt with a tiger print.
Peter: How do I look? Lois: Like a gas station energy drink.
Peter riding a roller coaster that's basically a single loop. He vomits and keeps catching it.
Stryker introduces Peter to George Clooney from 1997, "The coolest George Clooney ever".
George: George Clooney, second-worst Batman. Peter: Peter Griffin, second-best Homer.
The cutaway of Peter in Santa Fe, watching the sunset with someone else who had a meltdown in public.
After Stryker dies in a wingsuit crash, Peter knows he's going to have to identify the body. We then cut to him identifying Stryker as a bowl of tomato soup. Another dead body nearby died in a fire and looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Announcer: We now return to The Last Man On Earth and These Other Sixteen Characters With More Showing up Every Day
Peter bought a bunch of goats to mow the lawn on Craigslist. He then muses that must be one hell of a list. Cut to a guy named Craig literally having to write down everything on sale, which is being yelled at him from the other room by an old woman.
Woman: Everyone's grandpa's golf clubs! Craig: Is that it? Woman: NO! Gay sex! Craig: What kind? Woman: ALL OF IT!!
Peter breaking the world record for longest nasal breath at a Tina Fey movie.
Peter wants to make love like a hippo (he even flooded the trunk), but Lois forgot to bring the lettuce. There's a car with two hippos next to them, but he remembered the lettuce.
Peter and Lois having "independent movie sex" to "Walking On Sunshine" in German. They're interrupted by a phone call telling Peter he's been assassinated.
A drunk Peter somehow made Natalia watch an episode of Diff'rent Strokes which starred Kareem-Abdul Jabar.
Cleveland tells Brian he has dibs on everything Peter lost interest in. He then flies the "Clevelandcopter" (The Petercopter remade to look like Cleveland), but crashes into the Griffins' house because the moustache obscures the windshield.
Peter gives a nasal breath that fogs the screen after Lois takes forever looking for driving directions in her purse and makes them miss the exit. He then wipes two holes on the fog for his eyes.
The entire Natalia action sequence (she's been tracked down by a security team from Belarus), ending with Natalia throwing Stewie off a plane with a parachute.
Natalia: Count to three, then pull cord. Stewie: I don't know my numbers! (cut to Stewie landing safely on the front doorstep of the Griffins') Stewie: (excited) Again, again!
Lois and Peter getting into an argument over Peter's weight.
Peter: Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not Bradley Hooper! Lois: It's COOPER, not Hooper! You're thinking of Mr. Hooper on Sesame Street, and I'd sooner bang him! He was a business owner! He was a successful man!
The last lines of the episode.
Brian: So, how was the trip? (Lois and Peter laugh; Black Out) Peter: Terrible. Just terrible.
293. - Follow The Money
The episode begins with Carter sending the dollar bill we're following in this episode in a birthday card to Chris. He jokes about not spending it all in one place and writes "ha" so much, he has to finish it on the back of the card.
While leaving the store and talking to Cleveland, we hear dramatic background chiming, only for the camera to pan out and show it's coming from Johnny Windchimes, the World's Worst Accomplice (and former cutaway gag).
Johnny: Sorry, it's my chimes!
Chris wanted a surprise party, but he's misunderstood what "surprise party" means; he's tackling the guests and yelling surprise.
Though Chris is disappointed by Carter only sending him a single dollar, Lois tells him to write a thank-you note anyway "because that will is still wide open".
"29 more cents and I can download 'My Sharona' on iTunes!"
Stewie: Boy, that guy did not want to share his Sharona.
Peter practicing to be a radio DJ while driving.
Afterwards, he stops at McBurgertown for his "second breakfast", and asks what would be the easiest meal to eat while driving; he chooses a sloppy egg dish (which he eats with his hands) and an orange soda with no cup.
Tom Tucker gets the dollar in exchange for an American Red Cross charity stand he stole from a dry-cleaner that wouldn't post a headshot of him.
Ernie the giant chicken's wife catches him and Lois having coffee. This causes the girls to have... a slap fight with other.
Jesus: Awesome, a chick-chicken chick fight. Live Studio Ostrich: Ah ha!
Seamus telling the "Aristocrats" joke to a flock of pigeons.
Pigeon: *coos* Seamus: Ah, I told it wrong.
At the end of act one, we learn that the dollar bill is a misprint because it has George Washington and Benjamin Franklin on the front, "posing like an 80s sitcom." It was currently in the hands of Meg. Realizing she has a rare opportunity to get the last joke before the commercial, she starts, but an announcer beats her to it.
Meg: Last line! Announcer: No, it isn't.
Dr. Hartman confuses the song "Sister Christian" is "Tequila".
In what's currently Mayor Adam West's last scene, he's giving a ride to the rat who had the dollar bill at the time.
Mayor Adam West: You're right, we could be a Geico commerical!
West is riding a hoverboard, and crashes when he attempts to turn slightly.
The dollar bill drifts down the sidewalk after being blown away by the wind, and passes several one-shot gag characters whose jokes were based on their arms, such as the man with super-long arms who tickled midgets in a tree back in season 1, the T-Rex whose arms are too short to masturbate with and the Wacky Inflatable Waving Arm Flailing Tube Man. At the end, it passes by Fouad, the foreign guy who explains all the jokes he sees.
Two Stormtroopers are walking in from the bathroom, and run off when they see the carnage.
Carter and Chris find the bill at the place where dollar bills go to die, a strip club.
At the end, Ellen Degeneres takes a selfie of everyone in this episode. A caption then appears, saying "The guy who said 'Phony!' was cut for time."
Guy: Hey, I'm right here! That caption's a phony!
294. - Three Directors
A. Peter Gets Fired, Vol. 1 (Quentin Tarantino)
Peter talks about how out of the hundreds of directors they asked to do the anthology, these three did not immediately say no. However, he did also get a message from Paul Verhoeven that was just Scandinavian gibberish, so he has no idea what he said.
Peter asks a coworker what he brought for lunch. When he says he brought pizza (and specifies it's takeout pizza), Peter shoots him and steals it.
Christopher Waltz fires Peter in a weird accent.
After Peter wakes up in "whatever year Quentin Tarantino stopped watching television", Dr. Hartman says he can slash his eyes with a scalpel.
For the Kill Bill sequence, Peter does the entire thing as Ronald McDonald. Also, the ninjas he's facing all are Tricia Takanawa because she's the only recurring Asian.
He's about to put on the Kill Bill tracksuit, but picks the Ronald McDonald costume instead. Also, instead of a katana, he has the sword from Thunder Cats.
Cleveland assists Peter in his revenge.
Cleveland: Do you have the need for a wet-haired black guy who sometimes TALKS LOUDER THAN NECESSARY?!
Peter's car alarm is the theme to Ironside.
After slicing Angela in half, her blood spits out like a fountain to La donna e mobile.
Meg's one-woman show, where she sings "I Love Trash". Peter wonders whose fault this is (while wearing a trash bag as a cape which Lois points out). Oscar the Grouch is sitting next to them and he likes it.
Stewie watching a hotshot lawyer in a montage from a movie. Then the lawyer gets shot.
Stewie: Ah, he found it! *the lawyer runs out of the library in triumph, but gets shot by an unseen sniper* Oh no, wait, it's a 70's movie.
After Brian sends his first tweet in a while, he notices that the protest group he was trying to impress is gone. And so have the animators, leaving him in an empty void.
Brian asks Stewie for an opinion on a tweet.
Stewie: Oh don't be that guy.
Peter ordering shepherd's pie at a restaurant, even though it's not on the menu. He also asks for a lightsaber and twirls it as he eats the shepherd's pie.
The only person who didn't reply negatively to Brian's tweet about Ride Along 3 is Peter, who wanted to see the Baywatch movie.
Peter has been repeatedly trolling Dick's Sporting Goods because of the name.
Lois getting shunned by the staff at the grocery store, to the point that she's brought to tears.
Lois: You can't freeze me out like this! We're on a first name basis! Employee: They're on our nametags. Lois But I don't even have to look! (crying)I don't even have to LOOK!
Meg and Chris recreate the church scene from Kingsman: The Secret Service by fighting everyone in the cafeteria after trying to explain that the tweet was a joke. It's just as over-the-top violent and also uses Freebird as background music.
As part of an angry mob surrounding the house, Seamus asks Lois to change the channel to the Canucks game.
Brian's apology is frequently interrupted by people correcting him, including a man who associates himself with a basketball, a parrot, and a Grammar Nazi. And it's only the first sentence.
Before that, Quagmire boos him.
"Does this slow pan of our disapproving faces answer your question?"
Before Brian leaves, Stewie takes his collar because it has their address.
The first song he plays on the radio after driving: "Pac-Man Fever".
The only rule at Brian's new apartment complex is "don't kiss the mailman."
Brian: I don't think thats gonna be a problem.
Manager: You haven't seen him, so don't say that yet.
The bathroom door in Brian's apartment doesn't open all the way because the toilet is too close, and every light he turns on immediately burns out.
The episode ends with Brian sitting in the dark eating instant Mac and Cheese while listening to Wheel of Fortune from the next apartment and guessing letters.
296. - Petey IV
At the beginning, Jeff Probst narrates what happened in the previous episode in the style of Survivor.
Peter: You're the only guy in America who looks good in sandals and cargo shorts.
Ringo Starr is from the future. He says he'll tell the other Beatles who he'll outlive if they do "Octopus' Garden".
George Harrisson: Before you tell us, I'm gonna go smoke a thousand cigarettes.
John Lennon: And I'm gonna move to New York and walk out of my building at night.
The Griffins re-enacting the Polaner All Fruit commercial. Then Peter gives a commentary on the real commercial to anyone who didn't get it. He also points out how weird it is that the family in the commercial are shocked at the "jelly" guys uncultured speech, since if he's part of the family, they should already know how he talks.
Later on, they do it again with Aspic.
Peter: Now are you glad we did all that earlier?
Scottie Pippen followed the gang to the Quahog Mini-Mart.
Pippen: When I was a baby, they pulled me out of my mama reaaaal slooow.
Peter finds a Russian bootleg copy of Rocky IV but complains that the text is written in "terrorism".
Captain America: Civil Union
Brian gets a job at a suicide hotline. His first call is from Stewie who mocks him for it.
When Putin enters the Griffins' house, he says he "George Brett himself on the plane ride."
Peter: You can Google that during the commercial.
After Putin says "Hello, is it me you're looking for?", Lionel Richie gets a royalty check.
Putin and the gang hold up traffic while all of them are shirtless on horseback.
Peter: This feels good on my drunk chest.
According to Putin, there is no Russian word for "friend".
Peter heads to Russia because Brigitte Nielsen is chasing him. She tries to hold on to a plane but slips. Meanwhile, Chris prays for someone like her as she lands... in Herbert's house.
Herbert: I think we got our prayers crossed! (A boy falls through the roof and lands in Chris' room)
"Wow, Russia has the hottest and ugliest women in the world. All tens and ones."
Brian falls down some stairs and licks his leg to try and heal it.
Peter is confused for Kevin James at the fight at the end of the episode.
At the end, Peter and Putin do a dance to "Say You, Say Me" by Lionel Richie. Then Peter says he was poisoned with radioactive tea on the ride to the airport home.
297. - Crimes And Meg's Demeanor
The episode begins with Peter telling Meg there are no possums in the backyard she can kiss.
Peter sees and waves at a guy who was waving at everyone but him.
Brian is spying on the apartment next door. He sees a family of kids (even the parents), married wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing people welcoming a baby, and the fake party from Home Alone.
He even sees Quagmire having sex with a woman. It turns out the woman is married and he is happy to see Quagmire get in trouble. However, Quagmire figured this out and planned an escape plan with a plane and grappling hook. Quagmire then notices Brian and flips him off. Brian admits that was good.
At the party Meg and her friends crash, the electronic music is being played by the Old-Timey Piano Player.
At dinner, Meg gets to sit next to Peter after she got in trouble at school by saying an acapella group of chubby transgendered kids should be called "The Trans Fats".
Lois knows Meg has started drinking because she found a Taco Bell bag in her room. This leads to Peter falling to his knees and doing a despondent Skyward Scream.
After a screen-flip, the living room is upside-down. Peter and Lois fall to what's now the floor.
Peter: Son of a bitch, what was that?! Lois: I don't know, someone must have messed something up.
Peter dealing with the flush of a high-powered toilet, which sucks down his clothes and glasses.
When Brian calls the police, saying he thinks Principal Shepard killed his wife, Joe tries to invite him to a Rodan & Fields cosmetics sales party.
When asked for proof, Brian claims he has something better than proof: "Rank suspicion born out of boredom and loneliness".
Brian also calls Stewie, who seems to be at a party, only for the viewer to see he's just playing crowd noises on an old tape recorder.
"Well, I can't talk to a drunk person while sober."
Meg has a fake ID. Her picture is Chris Christie with Meg's hat.
The drinking montage set to Eddie Murphy's "Party All the Time":
Peter and Meg comparing scars, with Meg showing that she has the medallion burn scar from Raiders of the Lost Ark much to Peter's shock. Cut to the two of them running with the Ark Of the Covenant in the desert while chased by Nazis.
Peter and Meg drunkenly flying to Vegas, try to take out $20 at an ATM, are told there are insufficient funds, then immediately fly back home.
Stewie finds Principal Shepard has bunk beds and devil sticks.
When Shepard unexpectedly arrives back home, Brian tries to catch Stewie's attention by throwing an apple at the window, but barely clears the sidewalk on his own side of the street.
Brian: Man, just short...
Stewie disguising himself by hiding among Shepard's doll collection. Shepard picks him up and begins acting creepy with him, but Brian misses it because he got a food delivery from Domino's.
At the end of act two, Meg and Peter are stranded on a boat in the ocean. They have little phone battery, so Peter uses it to swap faces.
Peter: Look at you! And look at me! That's what this is! *phone dies* Aw, we're gonna die...
Peter says to get over a hangover, Meg should focus on something else, like a riddle, and tells her to try and describe Chris O'Donnell.
Meg: Well, he's not short, but not tall. Not fat, or thin. He's not famous, but I know who he is. Wow, Dad, I feel so much better! Peter: You know who isn't? Chris O'Donnell. (waves to the camera) Bye, dildo!
In the main plot, Meg and Peter are saved by Chris O'Donnell.
Chris O'Donnell: Hope you like turbulence, dildos!
What really happened in the subplot: Principal Shepard's wife left him and is sleeping with his cousin. The "bloody bag" was just full of school cafeteria supplies Shepard had been stealing. Afterwards, Joe tries to invite Principal Shepard to the same cosmetics sales party.
Brian is in the same hospital room where a patient named Annie is recovering as the set-up for a joke where Lois quotes "Smooth Criminal".
298. Don't Be A Dickens At Christmas
In Angela's last scene, she tries to tell the staff they can leave early, but Peter keeps playing "School's Out". This leads to a Dazed and ConfusedShout-Out and a parody of a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial where he drives with two hostages in the back while quoting "Jingle Bells".
Announcer: The Family Guy Christmas Special, brought to you by Lincoln. Lincoln: What are we doing?
Lois says Chris was named for Christmas and so was his stillborn twin sister, "Tmas".
Meg stuffs the stockings with Kanye Canes, candy canes that brag about themselves.
Peter's mom giving him cookies for breakfast as a child.
Kid!Peter: Thank you, careless parent!
Peter and Patrick stop by Ollie Williams and his family on Christmas.
Son: WHAT'S THIS?
They also stop by the home of the mentally challenged Opie, who's dressed up as Santa for his kids, then for some reason turns into a parody of the ending from Home Alone, with Opie badly humming the theme.
"Home Alone Theme. We Think"
Carter calling his grandmother in German, who speaks German and says there are too many Jews in Brazil.
Patrick shapes Peter's future in true Ghost style.
Peter: Is this how Jonah Hill was made?
In the future, Peter died in a tree fire caused by his "MILF On A Shelf".
When they first arrive in the future, Peter doesn't get that he's the one who's dead and for some reason thinks everyone is sad for someone named "Benjamin" even though no one has even said that name.
Brian sleeps at Peter's gravestone. Due to losing the Christmas spirit, Peter spends an eternity as a dog fart, being farted out by Brian. Apparently, this is from an obscure chapter of A Christmas Carol, written during Dickens' "opium and spoiled lamb phase".
Peter gives the family gifts he bought at a CVS, including a People magazine on Robin Williams' death, a Styrofoam cooler whose lid blows away, and a sweater that reads "I (heart) Road Iland".
Brian: Wow, it hurts when I put it on!
The episode ends with Peter and Patrick's spirit re-enacting the Chippendales sketch from Saturday Night Live.
Caption: We played this song as a joke, but we kinda actually like it. (Pause) And the show was short.
And of course, the rest of the family can't see Patrick or hear the song, so they have no idea what he's doing.
299. Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)
Last Valentine's Day, Peter and Lois went to the Outback Steakhouse. Not the actual restaurant, but a restaurant where the waiter comes out as gay.
Waiter: I'll tell you the specials, but first, I have to tell you something... I'm gay.
Peter: Like hell you are! No waiter of mine is going to be gay!
Lois: Peter, please, he's our waiter! He's the only waiter we got!
Peter: Lois, our waiter is dead to us! We'll just have to focus on our hostess.
Peter: (aged and on his deathbed many years later) I'm finally ready...to hear the specials...
Peter and Lois doing a "dead marriage side face kiss".
The subplot is about a fictional mascot for St Valentines day Peter created named "Arthur Valentine" who, amongst other things, has an eyepatch because he likes the look.
Chris's classmates in kindergarten thought he was weird because he took his shirt off to pee. Turns out Peter taught him that.
Tom Tucker says that the Quahog River has been dyed red for Valentine's Day, then tells the viewer it's a good opportunity to get rid of a corpse.
After Peter jokes that a passed-out Brian has fallen and can't get up, he's immediately sent to comedy jail. Then he jokes about dropping the soap and gets the death penalty.
Billy Joel sings about all the stuff they pumped out of Peter's stomach to the tune of "We Didn't Start the Fire"
Later he writes a sequel song while watching Peter eat the dial from a walkie-talkie.
And a third time at the end of act two after Peter eats Stewie for some reason.
Billy Joel: HE ATE STEWIE, HOLY CRAP, FAMILY GUY WILL BE RIGHT BACK!!
The lame pun jokes with an old German pilot coming to the Veterenarian's office, looking for the Veteran Aryans Office. He's followed shortly after by a German Shepherd who's due for a German Sheppard procedure.
Pilot: (in heavy German accent) This is a very confusing office.
Lois says they didn't agree on codenames when they decide to "kill" Arthur.
Chris goes catatonic after seeing Arthur's "death", and Peter tries to bring him out of it by throwing baseballs at his face while shouting "Awakenings!"
"No wonder you have such a perfectly-coiffed anus."
Ronald Reagan proposing to Nancy by asking to avoid the AIDS scare and do the "Just Say No" campaign.
Jingle: If you're too young, those are both things she did!
After Ellie refuses to kiss Brian, two valets comment on it.
Stewie uses a dog training clicker to punctuate jokes during act three.
After seeing Peter as Arthur, Chris immediately thinks Peter's a zombie and attacks him with a screwdriver.
Chris: I've seen The Walking Dead! I have to destroy your brain and then talk about it for the next hour!
In the dog show montage, Brian herds sheep. Stewie tries to count it, but falls asleep.
Quagmire watches the mating ritual because he has an all-access pass to anything sex-related.
At the end, Billy Joel sings elements of this episode because they couldn't think of an ending.
Chris: Mom killed a jaywalker.
300. Dog Bites Bear
The episode starts with Lois pinning her grocery list to Peter, item by item. Peter asks if they need cucumbers, then remembers he and Lois used it for dirty sex stuff.
Meg says that Peter and Lois' marriage is weird but strong, like Danny Trejo. Cut to a live-action shot of Danny Trejo thanking her for noticing.
Peter as Redstool (Deadpool with anal cancer) who states that Weapon X didn't give him any powers but it did give him rectal cancer, followed by a fight sequence with a parody of "Angel of the Morning".
Vin Diesel from the DVD menu notices that Brian mauled Rupert.
Stewie says he's not friends with Brian by unfriending him online. Then basketball player Diekembe Motombo tells Brian he's blocked and slaps him unconscious.
Lois having "middle-aged boobs falling off to the side sleep".
Brian talks to Chris about Stewie while Chris fits a quincenera dress.
A guy with heavy hands petting Brian and Stewie, making their facial skin get pushed to the back of their heads.
At the end of act two, when Brian notices Stewie twisted his ankle, two vultures high-five each other.
Stewie announces insulting nicknames for Brian.
In the subplot, Peter doesn't wash the hand he shook with Boo Berry. When they get him to wash it, life has formed on it. A father and son make their escape and land in a potted plant.
"Silly rabbit, Count Chocula tastes grrreat!"
While Brian gives Rupert's eulogy, Stewie tells him to say that Rupert was a great power bottom.
At the end, we see Paul Walker and Rupert racing in the stars, Fast and the Furious style.
301. Send In Stewie, Please
Stewie says Dr. Pritchfield's office looks the one Bethanny Frankel goes to. He goes off on a tangent ending with how he was almost going to be on The Rachel Zoe Project.
Stewie says he has a British accent, but the psychiatrist doesn't notice it. Throughout the episode, they both pronounce words differently.
Stewie complains that he has no friends despite talking to them "about dirt and shapes".
Stewie singing the opening song from Hamilton while hiccupping and with a runny nose.
Stewie is surprised to learn about an electric kettle because Lois just boils water from a Jiffy Pop tin.
When Dr. Pritchfield tells a story about him as a child, he tries doing the "Mom! Mama! Mummy!" gag, but Stewie stops him.
Stewie reveals that's not really his accent, then imitates other characters voiced by Seth MacFarlane.
After the psychiatrist dies from a heart attack, and Stewie refuses to get his pills for him to keep anyone from knowing that his accent is fake, there's a message from the psychiatrist's younger husband, who says he wants a divorce.
Stewie: Go sleep on the floor where you belong, you whore! (throws Rupert on the floor)
302. - V is for Mystery
At the end of the opening, we see Sherlock Holmes (Stewie) and Watson (Brian) with a skeleton dressed as Kenny from South Park.
One of the scenes shown in the intro is Brian glaring disapprovingly at Stewie who is preparing to shoot up cocaine, a Holmes trait you don't see very often in modern adaptations.
Bruce and Jeffrey as chimney sweeps, which ends up being an incredibly unsubtle gay joke.
Jeffrey: Shouldn't I be wearing some sort of protective suit?
Bruce: Why, don't you trust me?
Jeffrey: I do, but our friend James went into lots of chimneys in the 80's and now he's sick!
Benny Hill at age 20. His iconic "chasing women and ripping off their clothes" bit is a good deal less funny at that age.
Stewie: Oh, that'll be funnier when he's older and slower.
Sherlock and Watson spot Professor Moriarty (Carter) on a boat to America. Holmes knows this because Neil Diamond's on board. Unfortunately, he's singing September Morn and not America, much to Sherlock's annoyance.
Sherlock claims he spotted Moriarty through various minor details such as going on a transatlantic voyage with no top coat and unbuttoned spats, only for Moriarty to reveal that it's more likely he spotted the British Crown Jewels poorly hidden in his top hat.
The court jester for Queen Victoria (Chris) is Sir William Of Cosby, who put sleeping powder in the women's drinks.
Cosby: I get away with this for another 120 years, you see!
Watson: And then, five months later, a stillborn child the size of a Digestive biscuit!
Peter pops up at the end of a scene to tell the viewers they'll do a regular episode next week.
The first dead body Holmes and Watson see? Meg's.
Her corpse has been hollowed out and replaced with bagpipes, so Holmes and Watson play "Heart and Soul" on it.
The Scottish Brute (Peter) discovers that his jail cell was never actually locked.
Holmes disguises himself as a prostitute in a steam-powered robotic disguise.
Watson got distracted chasing rats because there were so many in London.
Watson's bachelor party in Las Vegas. However, the city wasn't founded yet, so they're just sitting in a desert.
Stewie: So, when do the strippers arrive?
Act two ends with a turn of the century ad for Room Temperature Gin, which is done similar to a modern beer commercial except the two men tell the women to leave because it's a Gentlemen's Club and women aren't allowed.
Announcer: Room Temperature Gin! Drink it, have an eel pie, then go to bed!
The cameo of Oscar Wilde, which Stewie finds hilarious, then says that they all better leave before they're arrested for "bum fancy".
At the start of act three, Watson says that both of them are off to "Gay Paree". After hearing this, Holmes changes into a gay outfit.
Brian says that there are only minor celebrities on the boat. Cue the opening to The Love Boat featuring them.
Holmes and Watson chase Constance (Lois) "through a series of shots where she has an inconsistent lead on us."
During the chase, Holmes couldn't resist pretending to act as Madeline.
Holmes does a celebratory pipe smoke while covered in confetti. He flicks a lighter, and you can guess what happens next.
The Reveal where it turns out that The Scottish Brute is the REAL Moriarty, who faked his death with a henchman earlier. Watson asks him why he's called a Professor, and Moriarty claims it's because he's a teacher at Hogwarts.
Moriarty: No, but we should have done that instead of this.
At the end, Holmes says the case they solved will keep the British Empire alive, naming EVERY SINGLE country in it.
Brian: God, England sucks now.
303. - Veteran Guy
The episode starts with the Griffins at a thrift shop, where Peter points out a tape deck that acts like Statler and Waldorf.
The judge's name is revealed to be "Dignified Q. Blackman".
Ida makes Quagmire sign up for the Coast Guard saying he should do it "if you were half the man I used to be."
At the end of act one, the gang rushes off because the next case on the docket is "People vs. Ted 2".
Coast Guard recruiting is simply pantomiming driving a boat, followed by repeating their motto, "When you're here, you're family."
Cleveland: Isn't that the slogan for— Recruiter: WE HAD IT FIRST!
Throughout act three, every time one of them says it, we cut to them eating at an Olive Garden, with them getting increasingly tired of the food, until the ending where Cleveland shoots Quagmire to keep him from saying it one last time.
Peter says his assignment is on a "knead the dough basis", so he whispers it to a baker.
According to Joe, Fort Lauderdale is where the art in every dentist's office comes from.
The gang talking to Namor the Sub-Mariner, who tries to explain the difference between himself and Aquaman, but in typical This Looks Like a Job for Aquaman style, the guys just think he can breathe underwater but not talk to fish. Then Aquaman shows up and impresses everyone by having a school of fish do tricks.
Namor: MY FEET HAVE LITTLE WINGS ON THEM!!
Peter having a "FaceTime conversation where we talk at the same time and then laugh" with Lois. He also talks to Stewie and is amazed how much he's grown, not realizing it's only been a few days and Stewie is just standing in the foreground.
Stewie: Okay, he doesn't get perspective.
Quagmire leaves because they still haven't learned to operate a hydraulic grapple winch, but they think it could be a plot point. It wasn't. Quagmire operated the winch himself.
Brian: Stewie, adults are allowed to say racist things because of traffic.
When Brian finally caves in and lets Stewie put $100 on the stock market for him, he says he's not the first one to cave under peer pressure, like Stephen Baldwin.
Ma Baldwin: How come you're not a bloated alcoholic yet?!
Stephen: I'm sorry, ma!!
Joe tries conversation starters throughout this episode.
Peter waking up a rooster at sunrise.
In return for teaching Brian how to invest in stocks, Stewie asks that Brian teach him Gymkata.
At the start of act two, Stewie talks to a stockbroker in Japanese saying "You don't say". When Brian asked what happened, Stewie says "he didn't say" in Japanese. Cut to a live action shot of a geisha taking a bow.
In the subplot, the gang takes over the Clam. Joe claims to be a mixologist, but he only knows how to make rum and Coke.
Customer: Can I have a rum and Coke? Joe: Uh, is Pepsi okay?
"Fidelity: we're there for you when you baby marries his dog-dad."
Quagmire calls off trivia night because he sees people cheating with their phones.
Peter's ringtone is a scream from Game of Thrones. The gang argues exactly who is screaming and why.
Brian and Stewie find out that a protein shake company Brian's thinking of investing in makes protein shakes from dog meat. One of the dogs on the chopping block: Rover Dangerfield.
At the end of act two, Stewie calls Brian a monster, but he's told it's offensive by Herry Monster, Elmo, and Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. Brian then points out that Elmo has recently been accused of molesting a 16-year old.
1969!Herbert says he's not a man named Roy Mitchell who left another town.
1969!Peter's breakfast is a highball cocktail, grapefruit with their only serongated spoon, and Raisin Bran.
Mike Brady gives 1969!Meg a talk about tattling, then says he's not Robert Reed who also left another town.
1969!Peter driving a very long car.
1969!Peter: Honey, I'm taking the compact, it saves money on gas. Cars are bigger back now.
At the end, 1969!Peter changes the channels, switching from the moon landing to the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, to the JFK assassination... to a rerun of Gilligan's Island.
The montage of Quahog as a slum featuring a sign reading "Not As Big As Providence", Seamus huddling for warmth, and The Giant Chicken as a pimp.
1973!Stewie is playing with a toy vacuum. 1973!Peter wants to play with a frisbee and javelin like "the coolest guy around, Bruce Jenner."
1973!Peter stormed the beaches at Normandy... except it was 1958, so the resistance wasn't nearly as stiff.
The Drunken Clam is a disco. As the gang greets everyone else, the collars on their shirt slice them dead, all while set to "A Fifth of Beethoven".
1973!Quagmire just went back from Vietnam. His biggest gripe: Hearing "Fortunate Son" by Credence Cleerwater Revival everywhere.
1973!Peter was killed in Vietnam... by getting stabbed to death by a lady-boy hooker.
At the end, Peter gets chased by Don Knotts, who tells him shameful television secrets such as that Tim Conway slept with half The Apple Dumpling Gang. Don and Tim were the only two members of the gang.
306. Switch the Flip
A woman Brian calls and asks out on a date turns him down by claiming she's dead.
According to Brandee, the largest poop was taken by Aretha Franklin in 1998 at a Hardee's in Memphis.
Peter: Damnit, now I owe Chris five bucks! HEY CHRIS, YOU WERE RIGHT, IT WAS IN 1998!
At a movie theater, Peter pulls "the popcorn bucket trick" on himself. It doesn't work.
Peter: This is humbling...
Stewie refusing to duck down to avoid photo-bombing a family picture on the Splash Mountain ride. When he's asked again, Stewie stands up to take up even more picture space, but this backfires as he gets decapitated by the tunnel ceiling, and his severed head ends up in another family's photo.
As Stewie explains the key point in this episode, a "Pay Attention" warning flashes on the screen.
Note: To avoid confusion, characters who have swapped bodies will be marked as "(voice)/(body)".
After switching bodies, Stewie/Brian and later Chris/Brian licks his crotch.
Stewie/Brian and Chris/Brian: What the hell are you complaining about?
Stewie/Brian gets Brian/Stewie a job as a community college professor, because every seven minutes, one gets fired for having sex with a student.
Dean: Okay, who here is an unemployed college professor? (a group of academics raise their hands) Who haven't had sex with a student or tweeted about assassinating the President? (Everyone but Stewie/Brian lowers their hands)
Stewie/Brian's attempt at being a cool teacher in the style of Robin Williams' character in Dead Poets Society backfires spectacularly when the students just get annoyed at him telling them to rip out the introduction to poetry part of the textbook and points out all sorts of holes in it.
Stewie/Peter and Peter/Stewie doing his mirror dance.
Peter's job keeping Michael Shannon from going insane on a movie set by talking about calming images into his ear. However, he looks away for a second to answer a question about his timecard, and when he looks back, Shannon has brutally massacred the whole staff.
Stewie/Peter realizing he can now reach a box of animal crackers.
The new last Adam West scene: After we find out that Stewie/Peter and Lois are going to a couples' sex seminar, we see him throwing a pitch on a baseball diamond.
Adam: Now that's what I call a curveball! (organ plays "Charge") Commercial!
On the sign at the hotel where the seminar is: "Tomorrow: Wow, You're A Fast Reader"
Chris/Brian and Brian/Chris talk about what they usually do at 10:30 in the morning: Brian drinks and Chris eats Cheetos and masturbates in the woods.
An "Inconsistently Smashed Windshield Chase".
Amongst the pairs whose bodies got swapped: The Kool-Aid Man and Bruce, Fouad and the Live Studio Ostrich, and the dead bodies of Muriel and Diane (represented by their gravestones and a caption saying they swapped).
At the sex seminar, the lecturer uses a photo of the Predator to illustrate a vagina.
Stewie/Peter hiding in the bathroom from a horny Lois, and she breaks down the door in the style of Jack Nicholson from The Shining, but with a clothes iron instead of an axe.
Lois: MUNCHA BUNCHA FRITOS!!!
"I'M TWO FIFTEEN YOU LIBERAL DICKWEED"
Brian/Chris manages to power up the swapper again by insulting God. It's actually not his job to throw lightning, so Vishnu does it instead.
At the end, Brian/Peter is in bed with Lois.
Lois: You didn't hear a word he said, didn't you? Brian/Peter: No, I didn't. Ha ha ha. I mean, the movie Road House.
The episode begins with a staff meeting where Peter sits next to "Morning Breath Mike", whose breath is so bad it fogs up Peter's glasses.
They watch a film about millennials in the style of a 1930s newsreel. The reel narrator is fired during the reel because the millennial he was talking about identifies as a man and he called her a woman. She also single-handedly got 12 network shows fired because she thought they were offensive.
"Oh, here comes a text from the guy who doesn't know this is a group text. 'Nice to meet you, Hammer. Let's have lunch together and I'll tell you who's gay.'"
One of Hammer's trigger warnings is asking about trigger warnings. So he tweets about the guy, then fires him.
Darth: I find your lack of vape disturbing.
Peter spontaneously transforms into a millennial after taking his first puff of vaping. He immediately has very strong opinions about Broad City.
At Coachella, Peter's shirt reads "Joke Shirt". They attend Neil Young asleep watching TV. Peter says he always confuses Neil with Bill the Cat from Bloom County.
After Hammer gets run over by a bus, his dying words are about an idea for a business, but he dies after saying "artisanal." Peter thinks it's pretzels.
Keyboard Cat plays at Hammer's funeral.
Adam West is the officiant. It's his last scene and his last words are kind of ironic.
Adam: And now, let us read from the book of Just Jared. "Death be the ultimate fail."
Peter quits the warriors in 300 because he has to go have diarrhea off a cliff.
Marvel's new movie: "The Offenders", starring a team-up of Hollywood's most famous sex offenders, led by Bill Cosby dressed as Nick Fury.
Quagmire punishes Joe for his obnoxious Leeroy Jenkins suggestions by pushing him in the corner.
Parker Stanton shows up via hologram in the Griffins' living room.
Chris and Peter: Do you know Mr. Skin? Ah! We'll talk later.
Peter trying to refold a map of France in Paris. Joe and Bonnie also went, but they brought a globe.
Peter shut down the Internet when he peed on a server while singing "Electric Avenue". As Parker rants at him, we learn that Peter still had his penis out the entire time, and they recreated it in Rome years later.
With the Internet down, chaos ensues. Everyone tortures a guy who just said "Hello".
An Amish comedian.
The Griffins take a taxi home, so they have to watch Jimmy Fallon.
Peter: This is why Uber.
Peter as Oscar Pistorius' roommate.
Peter acts out the Internet to everyone, including acting out how clickbait works, being Quagmire's Waze app, and being with a gang of black kids to act out a looping GIF of an insult reaction.
The way Peter repairs the Internet: By placing all the servers in giant bags of rice.
The episode ends with Rod Serling narrating that a restaurant is about to go up in flames, "like the Fox Tuesday night line-up."
308. The Unkindest Cut
The episode begins with Peter showing a comparison of David Ortiz and Florida from Good Times. Cleveland thought it was racist, until Peter showed him an actual comparison shot (which is indeed disturbingly similar). Cleveland withdraws his accusation.
Tom Tucker starts his newscast while driving to the studio.
Stewie and Brian's confusing two-host talk show.
Joe calls water-skiing "water sitting".
As he tries to dock a motorboat, Peter says he thinks everyone knows he can't please his wife sexually. His failure eventually gets recorded and uploaded online.
When Cleveland gets wet, Gremlins emerge from him and attack beachgoers.
The password for Mort's computer is "But I Lost the Receipt". The first two passwords they tried were "Such Heat This Morning" and "This Fish is Cold, I Want a Refund".
After two mobsters learn that they're going to Florida, one mobster is glad to learn they still have time to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
At the end of act one, Peter signals to other boats that Quagmire's penis has been bitten by a shark.
A sign in Boca Raton: "Home of the Sign on the Runway", when then gets run over by a plane landing.
Stewie and Brian learn about Mort's location from Pitbull (the rapper, not the dog). He's the same size as Brian, and was busy making a song that hits the radio.
After capturing Mort to bring him home, Brian gets a text that Quagmire had his penis bit off. Both he and Stewie laugh.
"Dammit, Joe stop with the sex birds!"
Quagmire reading a romance novel in bed with his penis turning the page.
Chris freaks out over Quagmire's ventriloquist puppet and how he's talking.
Chris: I think it's the guy talking!
After Joe takes hold of the gun Quagmire threatens to kill himself with, it tries to talk Joe into killing himself as well, so he gives it to Cleveland. The gun tries to tell him to use it to get revenge on white people, so he gives it to Peter. It tells Peter to use it to get free tacos. He does.
Peter eating local pizza with a guy from New York.
Cats laughing at Brian and Stewie saying they have one life to live.
At the surgery for Glenn's penis re-attachment (using Ida's penis from her gender reassignment surgery), no one washed their hands.
Dr. Hartman wrote the end to the subplot because he's trying to make the show more like a dramedy.
Peter: How can you make this like a dramedy? Dr. Hartman: Well, for one thing, scenes don't have to end with jokes. (Beat, then cut to next scene)
After he's done writing, he prepares to shoot up with heroin, which he calls "Sorkin genius juice".
In The Stinger, Quagmire tells the gang about life with his dad's penis (for one thing, it apparently has a massive mole on one side), then screams as he tries to pee.
309. Are You There God? It's Me, Peter
Chris' rock and roll choir performing "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)".
Stripes is "a 1980s movie you remember fondly but now realize is very slow."
It becomes a Brick Joke as it's STILL running several scenes later.
According to Peter, one of Cinemax's shows is basically two boobs fighting each other.
Peter: Sadly, there's still no penetration.
"Dazed And Couch-Fused", a short film about how fat people get fused to furniture. It's hosted by Oliver Platt, who's fused to a recliner.
Platt: Don't worry, it hasn't stopped me from having a name like a child or thicker hair than a werewolf!
The tailor stole a signed picture of James Brolin from a dry cleaner, who stole that from a bakery.
The scene where Peter says his goodbyes to the family.
Peter: If anything were to happen to me Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.
Peter: And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.
Meg: (sarcastically) Thanks dad.
Peter: And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.
Stewie: (angry) Is anyone gonna stop him?!
Peter: And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.
Brian: What about me?
Peter: You're a dog.
Peter listening to Nina Blackwood slowly dying of throat cancer on the radio.
God: I'm supposed to be getting a week from Thursday, but there's a chance I might be moving that up.
God reveals that atheists don't go to Hell, but people who describe themselves as "not religious but spiritual" go as quoted by Him, "straight to Hell, to the boiler room of Hell, all the way down". Sometimes he takes them out just to give them false hope before putting them back.
The episode begins with Brian failing to sneak out without caught by the Griffins. Chris catches him and asks him why he's dressed like a douche who hangs out with multi-racial friends in a McDonald's ad.
Brian is way behind the times in slang. When he gives a pick-up line, an old printer scan of his face and the caption "NAILED IT!" appears on screen. The second time it happens, the paper gets tangled up by the printer.
The montage of Jess and Brian having sex in various locations she's always wanted to do on her bucket list, such as in the Great Glass Elevator from Charlie And the Chocolate Factory (which causes Charlie to kill himself) and as she's taking school photos, which Chris is pictured filming.
Brian: Toblerone probably isn't the best thing for this.
Peter started a business, complete with local commercial, for the Suit-Chute, a pair of pants with a flap in the butt in case you have to go to the bathroom badly. It failed because he didn't know the 555 prefix meant it was a fake number.
Quagmire says Brian's bachelor party is going to be better than what Kanye West is doing right now. We then cut to him saying he's preparing to join ISIS while massaging a lasagna.
Coupled with Heartwarming as this is right after Quagmire finally accepts Brian's friendship after 9 seasons, considering him a good guy for sticking with Jess after her cancer diagnosis.
Brian is spotted in The Peanuts Movie for peeing in his soda cup. So he cries like Snoopy.
Bruce officiates the wedding. He says that Jeffrey's mother doesn't approve and they're waiting for her to die.
Peter doesn't react to the news that Jess isn't dying of cancer because he stole a muscle relaxer and took a pill that morning.
The audience cheers when Lou from last season shows up and when Stewie returns.
The follow-up to Tom Tucker's profile on Brian and Jess is subtitled because Jess had about six months of cancer farts built up and she kept on farting throughout.
After Jess chokes to death, Brian keeps on triggering promos for other Fox shows. So he says Son of Zorn and a "File Not Found" error shows up (the show was cancelled after one season).
Stewie and Chris realize they've gone too far when they accidentally passionately kiss.
Chris realizes he's a douchebag after Lois takes a picture of him vaping. She then posts it on Instagram and Peter likes it.
When Peter learns that Brian's being euthanized, Peter rushes... to the library to find out the definition of "euthanize". He then circles the word "dick" and writes "This is You!" in every copy of the dictionary.
After saving Brian's life, Peter gets paid $200 to get strangled by the doctor that would have killed Brian.
Jess dies during the commercial break between act three and The Stinger. Peter steals the alpucino maker from her apartment.
At the end of The Stinger, Brian scatters Jess' ashes on the front porch of the Griffins' house while everyone else argues about who told what secret to who.
Lois: Meg told me! How does it feel you freakin' town crier! Meg: You're such a bitch!
312. Pal Stewie
The episode starts with Stewie failing to kill Lois via drone. We see her drink vodka she was hiding in a bush.
Stewie showing off an Eddie Murphy bed, which is a Murphy bed that laughs like him. Stewie doesn't know if it's a queen, but he's heard it is.
Peter realizes he's at a Tony Robbins seminar, instead of Baskin-Robbins. Lois actually said they were going to bask in Robbins' glow.
Peter: Sheesh, your head is the size of a picnic watermelon.
Tony stops Peter from doing a cutaway. We see the end of it: It's Peter as a superhero with the heads of the cast of Parks and Recreation, only Peter didn't set it up so it's presented completely without context.
All of Peter picking his nose, then trying to flick it away. It takes him a good minute before he decides to just put it on the windshield and wipe it off, and the whole thing is set to goofy-sounding stock music.
After Peter learns the soul of Tony Robbins is now in Peter's car, Peter asks Tony if Bill Paxton is the same as Bill Pullman.
Throughout the episode, Paul Hogan gets royalty checks from a kangaroo mailman whenever anyone says "You call that an X, this is an X!"
At the end of act one, Stewie is burying his weapons in the backyard. Chris thinks it's a pool and jumps in.
Stewie: Even as an action figure, you can't tell where he's looking.
At the end of act two, we see a divorced father talking to his son.
Peter and Lois freaking out after watching a celebrity making a cameo in a Saturday Night Live skit that parodies that celebrity. The Meg sets the couch on fire, Brian crashes his car into the window, and Quagmire crashes a plane in the living room because they were streaming it.
After it's revealed that Tony Robbins was actually alive and hiding in the trunk of Peter's car, he leaves in two Smart cars that he uses as roller skates.
Act three ends with Future!Stewie giving a speech at Brian's wedding. According to Stewie, it's a gay wedding because they usually do something goofy at the end of the episode.
At the end of The Stinger, Tony Robbins promotes his seminar by saying he's put a price on happiness of $6,000.
Tony: See you in Fort Meyers probably!
313. Big Trouble In Little Quahog
The episode starts with Stewie returning from a birthday party. One of his party favors is a dog whistle.
Gilbert Gottfried: DOG WHISTLE! DOG WHISTLE! WHERE ARE YOU, DOG?!
The other items in his gift bag includes an eraser, an unsealed bag of raisins, and a parachute toy that's already tangled up.
Tiny Tom Cruise returns to pick up his sunglasses. Stewie asks why all the characters he plays these days have weirdly gay names.
Stewie's excitement after shrinking Brian is represented by a scene from Kickboxer showing Jean-Claude Van Damme dancing.
Before saving Brian from a rat at the end of act one, Stewie has to watch a YouTube how-to video because he's a millennial.
Stewie imitates Forrest Gump while walking through the carpeting in Stewie's room because the shag carpeting reminds him of the jungle from Vietnam movies.
"I HATE MY LIFE AND NOBODY CAN HEAR ME SAY IT RIGHT NOW!"
Cleveland delivers two days worth of mail at once.
Cleveland: Don't go over two, don't get greedy.
Stewie and Brian talk about which 80s movies featured lattices as they climb up one.
At the end of act two, Stewie calls out Brian for pressing a button that says "tiny" instead of a small button that would have sent them back to normal size.
Peter confuses an exterminator for an ex-Terminator.
Act three features various themed water bears, like a Country Bears themed water bear, a gay one who's not doing the voice, Consuela, and Patrick Stewart as a water bear.
The exterminator is lonely, so he imagines that Peter and Lois take him out to dinner.
They forgot to bring the kids out of the house before fumigating it. Meg and Chris are respectively lured to heaven by Prince and Alan Thicke, but Peter drags them away.
Alan Thicke: Google my Crystal Light aerobics competition, it's hilarious!
In The Stinger, we see the clip of Jean-Claude Van Damme dancing again to cheer up Stewie, who accidentally killed the water bears.
314. Regarding Carter
The episode starts at Lois' birthday party. Peter booked a pony ride without her knowing.
In the 80s, Carter missed all of Lois' piano recitals because he was busy having cocaine and sushi business meetings. He accidentally snorts a fish through his nose horizontally.
Carter: AHHH, DAMNIT, THE WASABI!
Peter surfs through Netflix stand-up specials in what turns out to be the intro to his stand-up special, I'm Thinkin' I Might.
Later on, we see other characters' Netflix specials, such as Cleveland's You Startin' To See What I'm Sayin'? and Tricia's Comic-Kaze. Tricia's joke about sex and Chinese food bombs because the audience points out she's Japanese, not Chinese.
Peter goes to a gun range with the gun Lois got from Carter, and turns down the owners offer of a tutorial. It then cuts to the gun range, where Peter has somehow ended up hanging from the target zone.
Peter: Wait, I think I did it wrong!
It then cuts to the Griffin house where we see that Peter has been replaced by a target silhouette wearing his clothes.
Peter shoots a TV showing The Orville because it's affecting his work on this show. He explains this in a different voice.
Peter gets beaten in six-eight time by the fans at a Rush concert for wearing khakis.
Peter: Please no, uncles who voted for Craig Johnson!!
At the end of act one, Lois accidentally shoots Carter. Then comes a crane shot Lois was hoping wouldn't happen and a single low note.
Parrot: Family Guy will be right bawk!
Lois: Okay, it's not so serious now.
At the start of act two, Dr. Hartman asks if anyone knows how to countersue.
Since this is the only chance, Peter beats a catatonic Carter in Mario Kart.
Peter was Christina Hendricks' bra on Mad Men. Chris was Jon Hamm's underwear and Stewie was Elisabeth Moss's socks. Chris and Stewie are unsatisfied with their jobs and decides to switch positions.
Gerard Depardieu thinks Enterprise rent-a-car is Burning Man.
Peter: We'll take the insurance.
Peter tries to get Carter to snap out of it by showing photos of celebrities Lois got mad at him for not recognizing in a game with Joe and Bonnie.
Carter snaps out of his catatonia after Lois explains Real Housewives to him and then suggest they watch the recap show afterwards.
Lois telling Carter he bought and shut down Vine is done as a looping Vine.
For animal testing, Carter made monkeys watch Vikings. They didn't care for it.
Lois going on Safari... the internet browser.
Peter after surgery to turn himself stained glass. Chris and Stewie don't understand why he did it until the sun shines through. What really sells it is the angelic choir in the background as the light shines through Peter.
Stewie: Oh my god, Dad's beautiful!
A waitress can't tell if Shaq is mad after he doesn't get pancakes with a Superman "S".
As the Griffins suggest ways to make Carter angry, Meg keeps suggesting ideas involving horrible sex.
Peter suggests finding some Smurfs because they get Gargamel angry. Chris and Meg later call him out on only suggesting nonsense from old kids shows.
Carter's karaoke song is the theme to Hill Street Blues. He adds lyrics since the theme doesn't have any.
Carter: There were many ugly people on the show, that's what made it good.
In The Stinger, Peter tries to lead into American Dad!, but the show's no longer after them. note For the record, the show that followed was a sitcom called Rel.
315. Stand By Meg
The episode begins with Principal Shepard marking another win for getting Peter to admit Chris is failing by going "Parentsofafailedkidsaywhat?" The only people who didn't fall for it were Asian parents.
Chris caused a ruckus at his history class by rapping "Alexander Hamilton was white!"
Lois asks Meg to take Stewie to a birthday party because she's sick of seeing judgy sitcom moms.
Black Mom: And I'm the black mom for unrealistic diversity!
Peter as the spokesman for Deschanel Number 5.
Peter: For when you want to smell like a 40-year old toddler!
Chris attending barber school where he cant stop pumping up the barber's chair.
At the birthday, the entire sequence of Stewie eating a whole grape is done as an opera from the grapes' side.
Normal Activity, which is a version of Paranormal Activity, but with nothing happening except regular nighttime stuff like sleep farts or waking up to go to the bathroom.
"Time for Bethanny Frankel, America's favorite talking pirating skeleton."
Peter has been reading a book of incredibly dated insults whose cover features a stick figure's hat flying off. When Lois fires an insult at him, his hat flies up and he has to fly up an get it, saying she's further along than him.
Peter: Hehe, his hat is flying off because he's been given a what-for.
Stewie trying to look sad while wearing flip-flops at a funeral.
Mourner: Excuse me, the owner of a Geo Tracker with the license plate "FWP FWP", you're blocking the funeral procession.
Stewie gave Meg all the parts for Romeo and Juliet and Oklahoma! But Stewie crashed both dressed as a Victorian English policeman. He got rave reviews for the first one, and just a "meh" for the second.
Chris stabbed the Michelin Man.
Lois: Chris, that's silly but it's still murder!
Chris: He came from tires, ma!
Neil Goldman makes Brian and Stewie help him order a pizza and jerk him off saying it's the Sabbath, meaning he's not allowed any physical tasks. When they leave, Stewie says it was a Thursday.
Kevin Swanson asks Brian to livestream him committing suicide by dousing himself with gas and lighting him on fire.
Peter tries to imitate Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct to get Chris back to James Woods High. Then Dr. Hartman diagnoses Peter with testicular cancer and Peter does it again.
The entirety of Goodfellas spoof where Chris does a callback to the opening scene, tricking Principal Shepperd into letting him back into school.
Due to time constraints, they have to edit the last scene of act three. It ends with Peter having driven a tractor into the living room.
In The Stinger, the Michelin Man points out Chris to a cop. The cop isn't sure because the Michelin Man is speaking in an effeminate voice.
316. The Griffin Winter Games
Meg told everyone she was training after some more famous moments, such as the vomiting scene.
Meg: See? I've been training since I was Lacey Chabert!
The Griffins drive to Olympic qualifying in the style of a Jeep commercial. Peter keeps complaining about the surfaces they're driving on.
They celebrate Meg's qualifying by drinking vending machine hot chocolate and burning their lips. Stewie's had whipped cream so he burns his after the others.
Cleveland hopes there's a gag about the Jamaican bobsled team because he's been practicing his shiver.
Lois tries to get Meg to endorse an IBS medication.
Stewie says he's like Tara Lipinski because she looks like a baby and is friends with a gay guy.
The New York Knicks changing their name to "Pieces Of Dog (Bleep)".
Gandalf opens a gate by saying "Oksana Baiul", who then crashes her car into it.
Stewie trying to fit tights on a speed skater. Stewie also said he also fit Garth Brooks into his shirt and pants and reveals it's a projection.
Somehow Ryan Lochte made it to South Korea.
At the end of act two, Peter gets hit in the groin by a bird after being caught by North Korean guards.
Bob Costas tells Lois about Peter with pink eye.
Peter ruined their trip to La La Land by asking Ryan Gosling to play "Dominic The Donkey".
"Well, at least I have a side, you neutral Swiss cowards!"
Johnny Weir hits Chris like a Batman fight, but with gay words.
Stewie is surprised to learn that Meg knows Sean Astin speeches.
Meg flips off the empty space in the bleachers where her family would have been, only for a man in front to mistakes this as being directed at him, much to his chagrin.
Man (sadly): Aww, was that for me?! Man (when the race begins):Go everyone but her!!
Before his firing squad execution, Peter asks for an extra bullet so he can catch it in his mouth.
Meg and Peter make an impossible video game escape. Peter makes it be Goldeneye and gives commentary on it throughout.
In The Stinger, Peter gets literally kicked out of Seoul, which leads to Dennis Rodman helping free him again.
317. Con Heiress
The episode starts with Brian reading the police blotter in the newspaper, noticing that Joe has frequently been arresting Cleveland. It's actually because Cleveland likes how comfortable the police station is.
Cleveland dreams the Friends of Distinction are performing "Grazing In The Grass" in Peter's lawn.
Peter as a zookeeper with muscular legs.
Stewie's head keeps turning around during act one. Turns out he's not being suspicious, his head is too heavy.
Stewie: I hear the doctor whisper to Lois "3,000th percentile".
Peter shows Chris a YouTube video about starting lawnmowers by a kid named Cory. Chris reveals that Cory has joined ISIS and is now making videos about making homemade explosives.
"Panty drop. Swoon. Commercial."
Stewie notices a medal on Brian's admiral costume is actually a stretched carnival penny. Brian notices that Stewie's top hat is an Amazon Echo with a cardboard disk.
A passive-aggressive alarm clock.
Peter doesn't use a lawnmower bag, he mows the lawn with the blower facing Joe's house. As he mows, grass clippings hit the walls and break the windows.
Herbert singing "Torn Between Two Lovers", then "Conga" afterwards.
Stewie's phone has an app that searches for thick yellow toenails. It says "Ew" like a metal detector.
At the end of act two, after it's revealed that Pip's husband is Quagmire in disguise, Seamus learns that his part of the plot has been cut out, which includes a dance routine. But he tries to start the dance anyway.
Pip's full name is so long, it takes the entire recital of her name for a door to swing back and forth before closing.
Quagmire: That's a freshly-oiled hinge.
"You think you can bang a woman who's seen a dodo bird?"
After Herbert explodes his dog plants part of him into a flowerpot, which sprouts like Groot.
Groot!Herbert: I am Herbert! (notices kids at an ice cream truck) I am Herbert, I am Herbert!
Tom Tucker keeps screwing up his introduction until the stage manager hits him with a baseball bat.
We find out that Pip died $18 million in debt due to a Mindy Project theme park. It turns out she faked her death, and then it turns out...
The episode starts with Peter eulogizing Angela by quoting the lyrics to the themes to The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Friends, and Cheers, and humming the theme to Sanford And Son. Afterwards, it's revealed he's at the wrong funeral because all the guests are Asian.
He also reveals she died by swimming within 20 minutes of eating.
Starting with this episode, Consuela replaces Angela in the opening.
Peter's new job is to walk around with a flag so everyone else can throw recyclables at him. Mr. Burns and Smithers watch this scene.
Whatsmore interesting, an hour earlier on The Simpsons, there was a joke that Disneyland had begun groundbreaking on a Family Guy theme park.
Then Peter gets regulated to sorting holiday brews and truck driver's urine samples at the same time... by drinking them.
Peter: And let's hope that's an asparagus IPA.
Titanic II, which is narrated by Al Gore. He says that due to global warming, the iceberg is now just a normal ice cube.
Peter's first commercial is similar to a Corona ad, but is set on a New England beach, which features such things as garbage barges passing by and seagulls fighting over a bucket of fried chicken. At the end, a thunderstorm starts.
Peter tries to ask the Keebler elf how they can bake cookies in a tree while other mascots annoy him.
Peter: (to Tony The Tiger): By the way, I'm sorry your wife was shot by Donald Trump's children.
Billy Eichner offering a dollar to Peter's new bosses if they stop talking by alternating words.
"Hurry it up! Some of us came for Daughtry!"
Act two ends with Peter being attacked by a goose demanding bread while a parking lot security guard named Officer Goosefear watches.
Two monkeys at Coachella complaining that the only good band there is Bananarama.
Brian recording a version of "Revolution Number Nine" where he keeps saying "K-9" over and over.
The marching band at the parade is lead by Bebe Neuwirth's niece. It's said her hobbies are baton twirling and trying to contact Bebe.
After stealing the Spirit of St. Louis and a Pedal-plane, Peter and Trump fall from the Washington Monument, only to land on a Canadian flag air cushion placed by Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau.
In The Stinger, the Griffins tell the viewers about the Steele dossier and that Trump endorsed a pedophile, but it didn't make the narrative.
Peter: From our family to yours, we're very frightened.
321. Bri Robot
The episode begins with the Griffins celebrating Brian's birthday. They bought him a cake from the grocery store that was smashed by a bottle of Tide.
Rami Malek gave Brian the bags under his eyes and his monotone voice as a gift.
Stewie told Cleveland skinny jeans aren't for him and that a cowboy vest isn't for Joe.
After a joke about Alison Janney being tall, the cast apologizes for it throughout act one, but she texted Stewie at the end of the episode.
The subplot involves a brothel disguised as a massage parlor called "The Girls Aren't The Girls In The Ad Massage". Because Quagmire spent too much time there, their golf foursome was bumped by Shamus' golf foresome, all of whom have golf clubs for hands and legs.
Peter in the Blue Man Group.
Blue Man: Peter, what's wrong with your paint?
Peter: (green around his crotch area) Remember when I wanted a five-minute break?
On a party bus to the prom, Joe busts all the kids because they're taking horny drugs, then says he's not a narc.
Meg brought a pickle in a tuxedo to prom.
The prom king and queen are Connie and a wheel chaired kid with legs like Kermit The Frog, which disappoints another kid with Kermit's head.
Cleveland breakdancing on a flat cardboard box until he finds there was a staple.
Joe singing "One Week" off-key.
Joe: I know all the lyrics, I just don't know them fast!
After finding out Courtney is his daughter at the end of act one, Quagmire calls Maury Povich to tell a guest he's not the father.
Act two starts with Quagmire asking Courtney what the theme of the prom was.
Cleveland dials 911 to joke about Quagmire becoming a dad on his hand.
After letting Courtney do a roll while flying, he tells another plane they're not humping today. The plane then tells others it's not happening.
"See Meg, that's a thigh gap."
Act two ends with Peter noticing everyone from the show, The Cleveland Show, and American Dad! plus the ship from The Orville in his front yard.
And there's also the ghost of Angela, Mayor Adam West, and Muriel Goldman who gets pushed by Adam.
A sign near the campgrounds: "Get your dumps out now"
Quagmire does a yellow warbler call, but there's a family of them eating and too busy to respond.
Peter miming hanging himself.
Meg thinks they're lost because they spotted a rock graffitied "More Please, John Mayer."
At the end of act three, one of the firefighters that rescues everyone is a decapitated man from act one.
In The Stinger, Peter tries to do a Seinfeld monologue on pillows, but no one wants to hear it. So he imitates the bassline.
325. You Can't Handle The Booth
The episode starts with Chris commenting on the mural on the studio.
Peter reveals that the real house is in Burbank and everyone keeps stealing the mailbox.
Chris' reaction to Brian not knowing whose bottle of water is on the table.
Lois talks over a cutaway intro, so everyone has to figure it out on the fly (see spoiler to reveal).
The writer gives everyone their paychecks. Chris says his goes direct to Draft Kings.
Stewie says he won a Teen Choice and left it in the kitchen in the hopes that anyone stole it. No one did.
Lois' reaction to Peter singing "Halfway down the Stairs"
Lois says that Sarah Paulson doesn't have a Family Guy Wikia but Gronk's dad does. note Which is ironic, because this episode premiered the same day Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement.
The conflict between Lois and Peter is resolved by Seth MacFarlane, Alex Borstein, Mila Kunis, and Seth Green coming into the recording studio to tell the Griffins that they're all fictional characters and none of what they do matters.
Peter: The Captain from The Orville says we're not real!
Act two starts with a combination of American Crime Story and Alien vs. Predator.
Ferris Bueller's Day On.
On their way to Old Sturbridge Village, Lois stops the car so Chris and Brian can go to the bathroom. She refuses to stop for Meg, so she goes in the car. Everyone else vomits.
Peter discovered the secret to business is pointing at things.
Act two ends with Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire not hearing the Griffins screaming for help because they're making a rocking chair. Then Joe's wheelchair collapses.
The Griffins in Trouble, as in the board game Trouble, where they're trapped in the plastic shaker in the middle and are crushed to death by being thrown around in it.
Peter in an Indian bus. The driver is a cow.
326. Island Adventure
The episode begins with Peter complaining that he's cleaning the garage when he's got tickets to Pervert Hamlet. We then see a scene where Hamlet admits he had sex with a skull.
Thanos snaps Cleveland and Joe away. Cleveland says he knew it as he disappears.
Peter passing a kidney Stone Phillips.
Kidney Stone Phillips: Or was it... murder?
Brian left a dump in Quagmire' backyard that's impossible to pick up.
Stewie says he broke his hymen on his Big Wheel by driving over a speed bump.
At the city dump, Brian freaks out over all the garbage.
After a deaf kid gets a device to let him hear, his father says they're getting a divorce and he didn't want to sign it to him.
Stewie says the Garbage Island is a garbage "hwhirlpool". Brian doesn't respond, but Stewie says that Brian heard him.
At the end of act one, Peter says he can't be in stories for a couple of episodes because he's pregnant.
Stewie could afford to rent a boat because he got a part-time job at Target, specifically the in-store Pizza Hut.
Lois and Peter stoned at an aquarium.
According to his reading, Stewie says wind is caused by a cloud with lips. When he sails back home using a boat made from his Big Wheel, six margarita machines and sails made from the fans of various Dell computers, a cloud blows the sails in this way.
A waiter freaking out because Quagmire didn't pay for the bread.
Brian discovers that Peter sent a fart in a bottle to England in exchange for giving them Russell Brand.
Stewie explains the Kardashians to Garbage Island inhabitants. Then someone asks what happened to Robert, so he explains the O.J. Simpson trial. Then after mentioning the Dancing Itos, he then explains all the late night talk show hosts. Immediately, someone asks what happened to Craig Kilborn, but it turns out he's on the island.
Giggity, a spoof of It was Quagmire as Pennywise.
The construction crew working on an M.C. Escher floor plan.
Sam Elliott: I'm Sam Elliott. This concludes your B-story.
"I was going to take you to prom as part of a cruel bet, but I'm fat now too!"
At the end of act three, Meg gets a foot transplant from the only fatality when the bleachers collapsed, a janitor. Peter claimed the mop and wears it like hair.
In The Stinger, Lois complains about both stories, plus the fact that Chris somehow has The Shining and Peter is now a beam of light from taking Pancresta.
329. Adam West High
The first scene is filmed in front of an audience, during which an audience member is escorted out for trying to hit on Carol.
After finding out Mayor Adam West is dead, Stewie asks how many characters have been killed.
Peter's "in memorial" tape of Mayor West, which features clips of West interspersed with Peter making basketball trick shots.
Principal Shepard has a gambling problem and owes money to a man named "Johnny Payups". At the renaming ceremony, Shepard evades Johnny with coffee breath as a smokescreen and then to conjure a flying surfboard a la Silver Surfer.
Principal Shepard: I'm liking this episode!
Peter broke bad news to an improv troupe: They're all 45 years old.
The ceremony begins with a 21 cat gun salute, followed by Chip and Joanna Gaines revealing the sign to prove their marriage is still okay despite being on TV.
After learning this is a politics episode, Peter takes a deep breath, then proclaims no one likes them.
At the end of act one, Peter asks Meg to fart on Brian. It turns out he's taking anabolic farts which are balding him as a result.
The gang looking at a picture of Sean Hannity and saying who he looks like for a minute. Then they do it with Matthew Perry until Quagmire said he likes Friends.
Tom hosts the mayoral debate as community service for slapping an Uber Eats guy.
Brian caused Quagmire's campaign bus to crash by throwing a drink at the bus driver, who's allergic to getting hit in the head.
Quagmire also doesn't know the driver's name and believes it's something Spanish-sounding. He settles on "Googardo", then when the driver's corpse falls through the windshield of the hanging bus, they see his jacket and it turns out his name was Frank.
After the crash, Quagmire tries to call OnStar, but the operator Melissa had a one-night stand with Quagmire.
Peter hired a raccoon accountant. The cutaway shows a raccoon playing with an abacus.
Quagmire says he wanted to be mayor to get a street named after him. Brian says he wanted to be mayor because Mayor West went to 65 pancake breakfasts.
At the end of act three, Principal Shepard rappels down the cliff Brian and Quagmire climbed back up to steal Frank's identity.
Principal Shepard: The Celtics are free money tonight!
Later, Brian comes to crash Quagmire's private party. He prepares to cannonball into Quagmire's pool, only to remember mid-jump that Quagmire doesn't have one, so he slams into the pavement and ends up horribly injured.
330. Yacht Rocky
The episode starts with Bert and Shiela saying they're firing a white man because the Internet only allows it.
Peter gets into a fight with a baseball umpire about whether or not Derek Jeter is half-black, which devolves into an argument about whether or not you need to wash your ice trays after using them.
Peter's still learning his boss's name, so he rambles off Sesame Street characters.
Dr. Hartman said that Peter had a panic attack, or in medical terms, "a heart attack for wussies."
Dr. Hartman: Hey, we have a bet going. Do you remember if you put your wrist to your forehead with your hand like a Nancy boy when you fainted?
Peter: I choose not to answer.
Kenny Loggins turns up at the yacht cruise, and Joe complains to him about the song "Footloose". When Loggins asks if he likes "I'm Alright" from Caddyshack better, it turns out Joe thinks the gopher was the one singing.
Daryl Hall & John Oates are also on the cruise, and when the ship is overturned, Oates ends up clinging to Hall when they're hanging from one of the tables.
Peter: Big deal, he's been doing that for 40 years!
Chris: Oh yeah, make fun of someone else more famous than you. He's a millionaire, you're nothing!
When everyone falls down, Oates loses his mustache and goes into shock.
Poor Brian gets forced to spend the whole episode in a doggy cage below deck. Stewie knew it could happen, so he put an old Mattel electronic football game in Brian's bag. When Brian plays it, the batteries die out.
Meg finally meets a boy who likes her, only for him to get decapitated by an oar when the ship is overturned by a massive wave. She refuses to accept it and starts dragging around his corpse.
The episode ends on a massive Anti-Climax after everyone is trapped in a room filling with water... only to cut back to the Griffin house with everyone fine.
Peter: Boy, that was crazy.
In The Stinger, Casey Kasem reads a letter asking why he hasn't been buried yet.
The gang put up billboards saying that Joe sneezes like Howard Dean (whenever he sneezes, it sounds like Howard's infamous scream).
The ad for the Quahog Monster Truck Show which frequently mentions that you can smoke inside.
Announcer: Smell the smoke that reminds you of your dead alcoholic stepdad who you're glad is dead but still miss anyway!!
One of the smokers in the crowd is a heavily pregnant woman.
"You will not be the fattest person there!"
Peters "million-dollar idea" about recycling urinal ice by selling it to local bars.
Ida watches Quagmires sex tape in a bar, and the bartender asks her to stop.
Ida: Oh it's okay, I'm transgender.
Bartender: Oh, I had no idea, do whatever you want all the time.
Ida says she's free on Friday because Friday Night Videos isn't on anymore.
Act one ends with Brian running into the hotel bathroom hiding from room service. When room service says it's eggs and Sausages, a giant Brian head pops out and goes "Sausages."
A waiter is confused over serving Brian and Ida.
Brian took Ida to outer space to enjoy the view, then throws Ida away from the view when another space shuttle passes by. In the other shuttle, a Russian astronaut does the same to his own transgender date, and he and Brian wave awkwardly to each other through the window.
When Waldo was found. Turns out he committed suicide.
Officer: Maybe next time instead of "Where's Waldo?", you should have asked "How's Waldo?"
Act two ends with Peter texting Cleveland and Joe that he can't make it to the Clam, despite the fact that they just saw him eating dinner in a window.
Brian talking about airports with Quagmire making "eggs a la Brian" (scrambled eggs with toast and hot ketchup).
A museum clerk asking how Ida is and if she still has his penis because he's a weirdo.
Playing backyard football, Peter calls plays from a Denny's menu.
Peter: Let's run Moons Over My Hammy on three.
"I already have a dad and it's my mom!"
Act three ends with Peter saying he accidentally knocked Chris out with the football while arguing over whether or not a one-handed touch counted. When Quagmire says Brian and Ida have broken up, Peter calls that the touchdown counted.
The Stinger is just Quagmire and Ida watching Night At The Museum and laughing.
332. Absolutely Babulous
The sign at the Pre-School games: "(Try to ignore the teacher's gun)"
Peter boos little Kyle Kaepernick at the games for kneeling during the national anthem.
Stewie gets psyched up by listening to "The Wheels On The Bus".
Stewie: It's the same thing Ryan Lochte listens to before a race.
Stewie's participant medal reads "(Not Suitable For Bragging)"
After Stewie accidentally sets the house on fire, house fire captain Peter does a roll call. He calls Meg "Mac" and Lois "Liam" due to their handwriting.
Act one ends with Herbert saving Chris from the burning house, then taking him back to his.
Stewie: You know what? He's earned that.
When it happens again at the end of act two, Stewie says that one wasn't deserved.
Carter greets Peter by putting him in a trash bag, putting him in a garbage can, and having a garbage truck pick him up.
Carter: Thank you for not interrupting my bit.
At the Pewterschmidt theater room, there's an old movie trailer about being quiet preceding the news.
Chris working at a casino roulette table, narrating everything that's going on.
Lois, Chris, and Meg faking eating Stewie's mud pie with actual mud and Legos.
After a joke about "Memory" from Cats, Peter says the viewers won't get it, but their parents will hate it.
"There's an Ed Sheeran song about every mood you're feeling right now."
After traveling in time back to steal the apple that fell on Sir Issac Newton, everything in the kitchen starts floating because "gravity never happened".
At the start of act three, Peter find Babs feeding Alka-Seltzer to seagulls. As they talk, seagulls explode and their guts and feathers land on them.
Peter claims the couple in Grease was a perfect couple. Cut to the wedding of Mr. Rama-Lama-Lama-Ka-Dinga-Da-Dinga-Da-Dong and Ms. Shoo-Bop-Sha-Wadda-Wadda-Yippity-De-Boom-De-Boom, which is interrupted by Mr. Chang-Chang-Changity-Chang-Sha-Bop.
Carter takes a quick "choke myself awake nap" before heading off to save Babs.
Babs tries to complain about Milwaukee's Best, but Carter says it's one of the sponsors.
The Reveal at the end of act three that the entire story was a daydream while Peter was having while having lunch with Carter and Babs. And he peed himself twice.
In The Stinger, a drunk Peter tries to give Chris a Tom Brady kiss.
333. Disney's The Reboot
This episode is done as a focus group with the cast watching through a two-way mirror. Peter sees his reflection and thinks it's a woman.
The head of the focus group, Von Jeiner, says that Fox will be eventually owned by Netflix, which will then be eventually owned by Pornhub.
At the start of act two, Arby's executives behind a two-way mirror watch the Griffins eat Arby's.
It's revealed at the end of act three, a squirrel pitched the reboot. And he also green lit Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
During the credits, we hear "Pennsylvania 6-5000" with Joe shouting "Your show should have more Joe Swanson!" in the vocal parts.
Through this reboot, Peter is on a bicycle.
In this reboot, Joe and Quagmire are a gay network TV couple who can only adopt children and pucker kiss.
Also, Joe can walk in this reboot.
Lois wonders where she's working. It turns out to be the "Pretty House On The Label Winery".
Lois and Peter sleep with a ocean sound machine with occasional seagull screeches that wake Peter up.
The Dramatic Unmask segment where Peter and Lois keep arguing which one of them should be the one disguised as the executive who gave Lois her promotion, and keeps pulling off masks of each others faces. Peter ends up ripping off his own face.
Peter: Oops, thought we had one more mask.
Jon intros this reboot by saying that upwards of 6,000 people watch supernatural reboots a year.
The fact that ALL the characters are ridiculously buff and/or hot, even Neil Goldman.
"Hey, who left their gender fluid in the shower?"
Stewie (as Zac Sawyer) has to drink a product placement drink. He refuses when it turns out to be Peach Coke.
At the club, Cleveland takes everyone's food orders.
Chris: How's the vegetarian lasagna?
Cleveland: Terrible, even at the best restaurants.
Chris: Great, we'll have five of those!
Patty is killed by Werewolf!Brian.
Stewie: Oh no, who would have thought this would happen to our most expendable cast member?!
The Reveal that they're all lesser known Marvel superheroes. And so is Quagmire, who is Captain Pedantic. His gimmick is constantly correcting everyone's grammar.
Chris wonders which of them will become the breakout movie star who will leave and ruin the show. When it turns out to be him (by fading), he cheers.
Family Guy Again/Random Ideas
The intro to Family Guy Again is just the regular intro but with only Chris, Joe, and Tricia.
How they wrote out everyone else: Lois and Peter died and Stewie, Meg, and Brian moved to Queensland.
Joe gets thrown out a window.
The focus group pitches, including:
Peter trying to pass a piece of poop as George Washington's on Antiques Roadshow. It turns out there was a Skittle in it. Peter just tells the focus group he's going to take the skittle out with tweezers and try again in a week.
Peter confusing Carpool Karaoke with Taxicab Confessions.
The Griffins apologizing for having to comment on pairs diving.
The gang with Jon Benjamin's voice. Except for Jerome's because nobody touches his voice.
After that part, one of the focus group participants said he really liked it. He's also voiced by Jon Benjamin.
Tom: In other news, President Clinton sent me a congratulatory cigar, but it was a little moist.
Peter made a mixtape with has "Cotton Eye Joe" five times (the fifth was unintentionally Quagmire's).
Peter's bachelor party was at the MTV Beach in the hepatitis-riddled part of Florida known as "Florida".
At the party, Peter got to meet his heroes Mark Mcrath, Paulie Shore and Jamie Kennedy. He invites them to follow him into the 2000's, but they're not allowed there. Instead, they walk off into the ocean, never to be seen again. Peter was going to tell the world about them, but got distracted by a half-eaten hot dog.
Joe hijacks the story with his own flashback because he's telling the story of his days at the MTV Beach when he met Daria, and tried to hit on her, to no success.
Carter bribes "hottest woman of the 90's" Daisy Fuentes to make out with Peter. Apparently she didn't know how to pronounce her own last name until Carter addressed her.
"We're having fun 'cause it's not 9/11 yet!"
Lois was at home doing what girls did in the 90's - looking at pictures of football star John Elway.
Cleveland begins act three in the middle of his story about the "black 90's", and he just got to the part about Magic Johnson getting AIDS, but then came back the next basketball season and scored 30 points in a game because all the other players were afraid of touching him.
He also reveals that he drove O.J. in the infamous Bronco chase, saying he's innocent.
To forget losing Lois, Peter created an Internet startup with Quagmire, where they almost end up creating Google, but end up creating Googoogle, a search engine centered entirely around The Goo Goo Dolls.
They spend their first day at work doing what everyone did in the 90's - debating if Forrest Gump or Pulp Fiction was better. Peter admits in the narration that he never saw either one. Instead he watched Ace Ventura: Pet Detective like 50 times and laughed so hard he crapped himself in the theater. Then he laughs in the narration when thinking about the movie, and craps himself again.
"Like every stupid thing from the 90's" Googoogle ends up taking off, and Peter talks about their party on a yacht which turns into a repeated Do Not Do This Cool Thing about ecstasy.
Chris: What was the name of that drug?
Carter announces that the wedding is only two scenes away when talking about the father-daughter dance: He's lowered the song choices to "Macarena" or "And The Band Played On" (the latter of which is from 1895).
Carter: What, wrong 90's?
Peter transported himself to the wedding by explosion because that's how everyone got around in the 90's.
Lois' middle name is revealed to "Commondenominator".
It's revealed at the end that Peter and Lois got wed at Fenway Park while a game was being played. Peter caught a ball that would have won the game for the Red Sox and he gets pelted with trash.
The priest pronouncing Peter and Lois "the last straight marriage".
Peter gets chased by a bee in the ballpark and begs the crowd to call Ace Ventura for help, only to crap his pants again.
In The Stinger, Peter lectures everyone on the lead singer of the Counting Crows and names women he's slept with, which surprises Chris.
Lois: I always thought he looked like the Cowardly Lion from some white suburban high school production of The Wiz!
336. Heart Burn
This episode starts in an adult store. Lois finds out that Smash Mouth is playing there... in the store.
In The Stinger, Chris re-enacts American Pie with a chicken pot pie because they were out of apples, and ends up severly burning himself because the pie hasn't cooled yet.
Helen of Troy
The war they are fighting over is about peanut butter and chocolate, which Joe calls "The War Of The Greece's Peanut Butter Cup".
"Greek food proclaimed the burbiest in the world!"
The Greeks calling jagged rocks a beach.
"One look at Medusa and I'm rock hard."
Professor: Mythologically correct.
After explaining the Trojan horse, Stewie says there's another door that's just covered in beads. The Greek army rushes in, only to discover Troy completely deserted. Stewie finds a note saying that Lois and Peter went back to Greece to get married, which then turns into a parody of Mamma Mia!.
Peter ends the story after learning that they can't use Hercules and refusing to use Launchpad McQuack.
Romeo and Juliet
The narrator is Bruce, who goes off the rails discussing that Verona is getting a Shake Shack in the intro.
After Juliet's father (Carter) says he's not hosting a family feud, we cut everyone on Family Feud, where Peter gets the top answer because he knows the audience: All them of are Peter.
Carter drags Lois over to the table because "some greaseball" has just drawn the Vetruvian Man, which he finds incredible.
Mercutio (Joe)'s dying words are "Ralph Fiennes" because he couldn't say the name correctly when he was alive.
As Romeo poisons himself, he complains that despite everything going on with this, they still teach this in schools.
Both Romeo and Juliet complain that it's not a good time for sports during their deaths. For Romeo, it's because NBA is over, NFL isn't starting and MLB is in midseason; for Juliet, it's the two months between the WNBA and ice skating season.
It's the 80's, so everyone is doing cocaine.
The Running Gag of everyone doing things in silence and non-fitting songs (Including a Rice Krispies ad twice) added in. The sex scene in the elevator has the theme from Inspector Gadget playing.
Peter: TV themes were longer back now.
Alex (Lois) keeps flashing the Batsignal. Batman says he sees it.
"Ah, she said it! That'll be in the trailer!"
The show starts with a promo for shows on channels you've never heard of starring actors you don't know, such as Tattling Babies on Blitz Kidz, Frenemy on Gold Star and Comeuppance on LFR America.
Announcer: Comedies? Dramas? Who knows?! Who's watching? Probably no one!
Peter and Chris trying to open a dining room table.
Peter: Lot of narration. It's like a conversation with Ken Burns.
Cleveland says two of his cousins are members of Tony! Tone! Toni! (the last two).
Peter: Aww, not the Y one.
Cleveland: That's right, we're missing the alpha Tony.
Quagmire spent last Thanksgiving with blow-up dolls and Ida.
Ida: Glen, I wish I'd given you more siblings.
According to Peter, the best way to get arrested is to steal packages while the Ring app watches. Peter just ends up rubbing a lawn gnome against his crotch.
Act one ends with Peter doing a montage of wacky mugshots.
Peter watching what he thinks is two guys playing leapfrog.
It's revealed that Joe disguised himself as Chris for years and Peter never noticed.
Lois starts smoking because Peter's in jail.
Stewie's song about prison pen pals, just because Phil Spector's in the prison.
Spector: Stewie, I know two things; music, and shooting waitresses in the mouth! We're going to make a record! (cue Spinning Newspaper saying Records No Longer Exist with the sub-headline "Infant shot in the mouth")
Peter analyzing prison wine.
Peter: I'm getting notes of... well, feces.
Joe joins a gang called the Not Cops.
Cleveland immediatly joins the Nation Of Islam. Until he finds out muslims aren't allowed to drink alcohol. Then he changes his name from Kareem-Abdul Jacleveland to Cleveland Hurricane Carter. He later gets his law degree through prison study, and changes it again to Cleveland J. Roman J. Israel.
"Alright, everyone, that's lanch. I mean lunch. It's my first day."
Peter later thinks it's really called lanch.
Just everything about Lois playing Heads Up with her family.
Carter: I only like games with sticks.
According to Peter, Cleveland spoiled Schoolhouse Rock for him.
Thanksgiving with the Pewterschmidts ended early after Chris was caught watching one of his cousins peeing. Chris claims he wanted to be caught because "that's the point".
Act three ends with a psychotic who stole the warden's clothes (which don't even fit him) saying that everyone is free due to apologizing because of the rules of The Love Boat.
In The Stinger, Peter made a license plate that says "BUTHOL", but everyone else doesn't get it.
338. Christmas Is Coming
This episode starts at the school's Winter choral (a banner says "We Can't Say Christmas Beacuse Of That One Family") performance at the high school, where, to Peter's horror, they perform a version of "Jingle Bells" that has two rarely-sung verses: one about how winter killed a child who ran outside in bare feet, and another warning people about freeing slaves.
Seamus introduces his son, Woody, saying he'll be a new character.
Quagmire: You're barely a character on the show.
Seamus: More than Woody!
The Griffins try to take a Christmas card photo while Meg idles the car. They end up sending a picture of Peter with a pimple on his butt because he gave Walgreens the wrong picture.
A mall rabbi for Jewish kids. He's like the mall Santa, but he asks the kids for a TV and to set it up for him.
"You look like Mom when she sits on the washing machine."
The image we see when Meg climaxes is Jimmy Connors celebrating a win.
Later, Stewie wonders what he'll see his first time. We then see a ball boy running into a wall.
Act one ends with a food court clerk telling a woman that Meg had six hamburger patties in a hard taco shell.
Lois notices windows are fogged up like when Subway bakes bread.
Announcer: Subway: Have it your way if your way is very wet.
Brian hands Stewie a top hat to vomit in. Then Peter wears it to an opera.
Stewie offers Meg to be in the next road show episode (claiming it's "Road To Ohio") if she doesn't take her to see Santa.
After Meg is relieved that Peter isn't the mall Santa who sexually aroused her, Peter asks Meg if the escalator really does have a weight limit or if that was a fat joke made by some mean kids.
"That's the guy who was peeing in the women's bathroom." (Made funnier because we don't know if it was Meg or Stewie.)
Act two ends with Stewie trying to commit suicide by jumping in a mall fountain with his jacket pockets full of rocks...only to realize that mall fountains are too shallow to drown yourself in.
Peter playing Penn State football.
The montage of Meg driving from mall to mall, which turns into a series of pun-named malls, including "Darth Mall", "Mall And Oates", and "Winter, Spring, Summer, Mall (Closed Autumn)".
In The Stinger, Stewie complains that various men are now coming through his window.
339. Connie's Celica
Peter and Brain doing a podcast before they have all the facts with poor sound quality and tons of commercials ("This isn't art, this is commerce").
Peter: ZipRecruiter: We've vastly overestimate how many podcast listeners are in a position to hire someone.
340. Short Cuts
The episode begins at Goldman's Pharmacy where Stewie shows Brian a genderless baby announcement card.
Brian: "It's a they."
Stewie: Good for they.
Neil shames Brian into leaving by doing a pharmacy price check joke.
After knocking out a robber with a rock, a group of rabbis celebrate by setting up a party with a hot two-liter bottle of diet Pepsi, a can of Planters peanuts opened 12 years ago, and half a graduation cake that needs to be thawed.
Peter stops an argument with Lois by calling for an establishing shot. Cut to the Channel 5 studios with the caption "THIS IS AN ESTABLISHING SHOT".
When interviewing Brian, Tom Tucker says that Goldman's is getting its ass kicked by a CVS pharmacy across the street.
Brian opened a Sizzler at Quahog, but turned down the offer of the first meal there.
Brian paid a hobo who lives at the wharf to thank Brian as Barack Obama.
Lois' hairstyle forces Peter to try to compare to Anne Hathaway, but Lois slaps him.
Peter: With my boobs and your hair, everyone's gonna think we're a lesbian couple!
Tiny Tom Cruise appears at the end of act one. He was hanging on to the wheel of George Townshend's helicopter because he does he can't stop doing stunts.
Chicago Seinfeld. It's like the regular show, but everyone's fat and knows Kramer's racist.
"I love that book Charles Dickens by David Copperfield. Writing was his real magic."
An amateur photographer taking pictures of Peter an outdoor party.
Annette Bening makes Warren Beatty watch Blue Bloods and eat pudding to distract him from having sex.
Peter attempts to get back at Lois by wearing just jeans. Lois says Peter looks like he's going to a custody hearing in Florida. The scene ends with a Florida custody hearing taking place. The judge is wearing a Speedo.
At the end of act two, Brian says that getting neutered will finally stop a kid in his karate class who kicks him in the groin. So he pulls out a sword and Brian tells the sensei who couldn't care less.
Brian walks into a closet and waits for Stewie to leave. Stewie retaliates by binging Ken Burns' Jazz.
Lois begins selling homemade jewelry at the brewery's breakroom, so Peter has to move to a table with a guy who was shamed for posting a sheet to sponsor his wife's AIDS walk.
Peter and Lois argue over what stupid move they'll do next to the point where they make out. Afterwards, Peter says he still hates Lois' haircut.
Ater Stewie stops the neutering halfway at the end of act three, Brian has a prosthetic testicle that's a bell from a dead jester's hat.
Jester's Mother: WHY DID THE KING HAVE TO HIT HIM SO HARD?
In The Stinger, Meg gets early acceptance into college, but only Joe cares about it.
A Quiet Place starring a Jewish family: The father gets attacked for burping at dinner.
Cleveland has his own P.O. box for credit card bills and "whatever you think Ice-T would keep in a nightstand".
Future!Stewie has a shape-shifting valet who can turn into anything, but Stewie wants him to be a shirtless man.
Future!Stewie has to stop his Man of the Year speech because all the waiters are making noise.
Stewie created a pill called "Semper Fido" that slows aging in dogs so he can show Brian that global warming was a hoax.
As a result, the president is a polar bear. He stops a press conference because he was asked about eating the Presidential Seal.
Interviewer: Mr. President, what did you do for a Klondike bar?
Stewie left his family because he didn't do "The Shocker" in a family Christmas photo. He claims no one would notice, but Carter did.
In the event he was sick, Peter asked Stewie to clear his Google history. Stewie checks and notices a lot of searches for Winnie The Pooh jackets.
After searching for cancer symptoms, his next search was for a Winnie The Pooh casket.
When Carter died, he left Stewie "the dark boathouse" (a boathouse with no lighting). In the cutaway that follows, Stewie and Chris argue about it while Peter sneaks away from shoveling the driveway to vape.
Future!Chris taught his penis to talk, while Future!Meg runs a business where she tests bulletproof vests.
Weenie and the Butt are still on the air. The jingle we hear says they're on FM, the Internet, and a new invention called "the orb" where you listen to things in your head.
Cleveland is still on hold with United Airlines. Seamus is also on hold with Spirit Airlines, but he's hosting The Muppet Show at the same time.
Every street in Future!Quahog has been renamed for Tom Brady.
Future!Quagmire is the same, but he can't stop talking about ice cream.
There are three ice cream parlors in Quahog, and it's the only thing anyone can talk about (They say "They're all good").
Lois can't hear well, so she turned on closed captioning that's about thirty seconds behind.
Future!Tom Tucker has Andy Rooney eyebrows that will distract viewers. Future!Tricia Takanawa hasn't changed and she sneezes in front of senior citizens who call turn into dust.
Future!Peter's final wish is to play "Surfin' Bird" really slow and move his arms to dance to it.
Dr. Hartman's son sticks a clown nose on Peter.
According to Peter, Heaven is full of everyone who died after being on the show and Ed Asner.
He also spots Conway Twitty wearing a Darth Vader mask.
Act three ends with three different reveals:
First, it's revealed that Peter faked his death so the Griffins can get all of Future!Stewie's money. Brian based it on The Sting, "the movie from 100 years ago about 150 years ago."
Then it's revealed that Stewie knew about it, and blew up the Griffins' house. Brian shouts in pain to get the Semper Fido pills, but he can't because they were in the house.
Finally, it's revealed that the entire episode was a daydream Stewie had while staring at an old man costume at a costume shop. He tries it on, but while walking around in it, he says it's "80% balls" and gets his tangled with Herbert's.
The Stinger is Meg attempting do the end of Evita, but can't because she's the back half of an "Edgar the Farting Horse" costume.
Peter: Hey, I do the farting!
343. The Movement
Sign at the baseball stadium: "Opening day! Bathrooms already disgusting!"
Later on: "Welcome fans! We fixed the bee problem!"
Just the fact that the team is called the Whooping Scalpers.
Peter says that tailgating is just leaving garbage in a parking lot before he and Chris throw out an old Christmas tree.
The team's old coach was nicknamed "Cardiac Arrest" and the pitching coach is nicknamed "Doesn't Know CPR".
Carter wanted Homer Simpson to coach, but he's on vacation.
Peter meeting Cool Hand Luke. Not the movie character, but a guy named Luke who dressed his hand as a rebel.
The team beating up a player who hit a home run to win the game.
What caused Peter to kneel: It was Bucket of Shrimp Night, presented by Rocko's Lukewarm Refrigerator Trucks ("Rocko's: We got it there, didn't we?") and he really had to go to the bathroom.
Announcer: I'm Canadian! What is he thinking "aboot"?
Tom Tucker doing the news with his father, who hadn't been on the air since 1964 because of his sexist views.
Brian has to move out again because he tweeted that Dr. Martin Luther King has "Doc" and "Marty" in his name.
John Wilkes Photo Booth Griffin, who shot Lincoln for giving him bunny ears.
Peter thinks a fur coat on a stool is, a moldy pumpkin on top of a trash can is Robert De Niro, and someone's Boston Market that feel on the floor is Michael Rappaport.
Peter has been patted on the back so much, his glasses fell off. Then someone pats him on the back and his eyes fall off.
Peter: In some comics, this means I'm sleeping.
Peter threatens to kill a kid with a crossbow if he doesn't learn why Smokey The Bear doesn't wear a shirt.
The entirety of Peter's Nike commercial.
"Nike: You may not know this, but our full name is Nichael."
Peter gets knocked out at the bottom of an escalator. Birds fly around his head, but they get crushed by the escalator.
Carter: Oh, Disney's not gonna like that.
Peter wondering why the Wakanda-esque version of Quahog made for African-Americans wasn't part of The Cleveland Show. Cleveland laments that, had the show not been canceled, this episode would have been their fifth season premiere.
According to Cleveland, the other white guy who knows about the place is a Postmates guy who delivers Taco Bell to Cleveland, then has to go back because he forgot a soda.
Two sports announcers in a very small booth.
Kevin Nealon subliminally got Carter to get front row seats and sing the national anthem.
Peter's speech ends with Peter playing "The Hamster Dance" as a new national anthem.
The episode starts with Peter listening to jingles for Devin and Lawrence (formerly Weenie and the Butt, but had to change it because of the #MeToo movement and several female coworkers coming forward with claims that they've sexually harassed them).
Peter playing poker wearing sunglasses reflecting everything, including an incoming cell phone call from his secret gay boyfriend.
Chris and Stewie wrecking the electronics store in a Funny Background Event while Brian argues with the clerk about returning a computer keyboard: They fight about sitting in a massage chair and end up smashing several rows of display televisions.
Brian tries to explain the $3,000 in damages to Chris by counting in thousands, but Stewie says Chris may not know how to count to 3, much less 3,000.
Lois throws out a jar of sunflower butter because a kid with peanut allergies who was in Stewie's class died.
Peter as a very sweaty bomb defuser. His failure to defuse a bomb is shown to a bomb squad class to ask what went wrong.
Indiana Jones and the Temple Beth Shalom. It's a Jewish woman asking Indiana Jones to date her frumpy daughter.
A concerned Midwestern Mom narrating Free Solo.
Act one ends with Peter giving office petty cash to a hooker and apologizing for not finishing while on cocaine.
Peter: Watch out for the floor, you're pregnant.
Peter catching a bus, subway, and a ferry twice (because the first time, he forgot his phone) just to go to work from home.
Peter as a bodega cat.
Stewie's meeting has New York on speakerphone. To be more precise, it's assorted sounds of New York.
Lois to sent to Human Resources for kissing Peter. The HR manager touches Peter and she ends up getting reported to Super HR for sexual harassment.
Stewie, Brian, and Chris ending up in Super HR after Stewie suggests that they pull a Casting Couch on the actresses they'll audition for their movie. Stewie gets out of it by coming out as transgender.
Peter gets Lay's WOW chips to come back (despite that they were pulled for causing loose stools and diarrhea, which is Truth in Television). When he eats one on the toilet, he farts and gets sent up to a boardroom on the next floor.
"I also want to ask a question without looking at the screen."
During the script reading for the movie they have to do, Chris is on the speakerphone on a delay.
Act three ends with Principal Shepard and Bruce going into a business that sells mugs wrapped in cellophane with a penis (blurred out on the TV version) on it.
The stinger shows Brian, Chris and Stewie's movie premiere where they get booed and the bomb class teacher from earlier tells his class not to be "...no-talent jerks who make a Kickstarter movie".
346. Coma Guy
This episode starts at a cocktail party where a stuck in the kitchen Brian tries to get in.
When Lois gives Peter a list of junior high books, Peter says that they're also porn categories.
Peter and Lois playing Truth or Dare with present-day Madonna.
Just the fact that every thinks the album "1984" by Van Halen is the George Orwell book 1984.
A Secret Service agent returning the rental car JFK was shot in.
Lois makes Peter return the album by showing him a pancake with a frowning face made of banana slices.
Act one ends with an EDM DJ telling Meg and Chris Peter's in a coma.
A look in Peter's coma starts with Peter doing the backing into the bushes meme with Homer Simpson.
It also includes Peter being sentenced to an awkward dinner with Joaquin Phoenix by a jury of Giant Chickens.
Joe and Bonnie ask for Peter's rakes.
Dr. Hartman asks if Lois likes Peter before saying he's brain-dead to determine if it's good or bad news.
How Peter wakes up from the coma: He's about to board a boat with other dead characters (including Quagmire's girlfriend from "And Then There Were Fewer"), but learns there's no wi-fi.
Act two ends with Peter pretending he's flatlining again after someone from the mortgage company visits saying he's three months late on payments. The man doesn't fall for it, so he imitates a cotton candy machine.
Peter's Black Mirror-themed cutaway where he gets phone calls from himself... except for one who sent a picture of dog poo.
Peter as a white woman on vacation.
Peter makes the other Griffins give Timothy Olyphant one complement each about The Santa Clarita Diet.
The flashback montage of them painting the living room wall to a song performed by a fly on the wall.
Act three ends with all the couples at the airport making out. Then Peter calls to switch partners and gets a guy, but goes with it.
In The Stinger, the Griffins paint the living room wall again while another fly on the wall sings conspiracies.
347. Better Off Meg
This episode starts with Principal Shepherd riding through the empty halls of Adam West High on a tricycle on Skip Day.
Meg gets a woman's size 7 bowling shoe for her left foot and a men's 11 for her right.
After bowling a strike, the animation Meg gets is a cowboy bowling ball shooting bowling pins dressed as Indians.
Bruce: We have not updated those.
Later, we see another animation where a bowling ball in the American flag design nukes pins dressed as the Japanese.
The gang thinks Meg is a barrel with Meg's wig and hat. They even use a picture of it at the funeral.
Tom repeatedly mentions the crash that presumably killed Meg took place near his apartment.
"Again, for those of you in a new scene: Meg Griffin dead."
At the funeral, Peter says that since they're in the front pew, he's hoping the priest picks him to get on stage and dance.
Brian and Stewie projected holograms of themselves at the funeral and just went to Chuck E. Cheese.
Act one ends with Meg opening a door and finding the priest with an altar boy.
Priest: Don't you know what a rosary on a doorknob means?!
Meg places roses on her grave ("1999-Season 18") while listening to "Kiss From a Rose" barked by an actual seal.
When tied to a chair at the start of act three, she listens to "Get Closer" partially barked by a seal.
Stewie says that the Griffins will save money on toilet paper because of how Meg wiped.
Meg's new identity is Natalie Hallway.
Thirty years in the future, Stewie runs a bakery that, under Supreme Court order, is forced to bake cookies shaped like penises for a gay wedding.
Shepherd gives Chris the keys to the driver's ed car to prove he's not driving it home.
Chris says that Peter got a Peloton but doesn't use it because of the wi-fi.
When Meg's life flashes before her eyes, there's no footage of her anywhere, just scenes like everyone else puking and Peter introducing Conway Twitty.
At the high school memorial service, Shepherd says the Quizno's across the street took out a full page ad for the yearbook.
When Meg enters the high school, Peter notices she's wearing dark shoes.
"Alright, everybody throw confetti and ruin the janitor's weekend."
In The Stinger, Lois says she fakes being interested in what Peter does at work. Then Peter says he fakes liking egg salad. Then a raccoon says he fakes liking Peter. Finally, they all fake orgasms.
348. Holly Bibble
The episode starts in a motel room where the Griffins watch CBS, "the loudest channel on TV." Cue them being pummeled by NCIS, and Peter bleeding from the nose while Stewie is thrown across the floor by the force of the audio.
All the jokes about common motel rooms throughout the episode.
Chris opening a Cattle Ranch Doritos bag, and Peter drowning out the stench with AXE body spray.
Peter: There, now we all smell like a nightmare Tinder date!
Lois calls the bible "Harry Potter for stupid people" Stewie tells her to tone it down because it's offensive to the open button shirt necklace community.
"In case of fire, follow the older, heavyset lady wearing just a t-shirt. There are no dining facilities, but guests are encouraged to visit the Applebee's, which is just a short walk across the six-lane highway."
In The Stinger, Chris says he's keeping the Bible and reads passages of it as a night watchman.
Chris: And that is why I'm not gay.
Adam and Eve
"In the beginning, God created the heaven and earth, and the sitcom joke that goes, 'That went well.'"
Adam (Peter) wants to name everything "Casey", so Eve ends up suggesting the word "bird" for a bird that flies by, which leads to a "Bird is the word" joke. Back in the real world, Lois tells him to knock it off.
Adam complains that he made the leaf covering over his genitals from poison ivy.
God leaves Adam and Eve (Lois) alone because his girlfriend was accepted into an art show.
God: So if you need me this week, I'll be nibbling terrible cheese cubes with Santa Fe-people who couldn't cut it in the real world.
Adam: Is any of them named Melody?
God: THEY'RE ALL NAMED MELODY!!
The Serpent (Quagmire) convinces Lois to eat the forbidden apple by telling her it's full of anti-oxidants.
After being kicked out, Adam and Eve are forced to live in the opposite of Eden: Jacksonville, Florida.
Adam: Well, time to fit in. Let's have sex with gum in our mouths.
Peter sneaks in lines from Bill Cosby's "Noah" and "Chocolate Cake for Breakfast" routines at the beginning, saying all his bits are up for grabs.
"There's no school. There was another mass stoning."
Noah (Peter) stole the wood from his neighbor Cleveland's house. Cue another bathtub gag.
Noah sorted the bathroom from what kind of poop they give. The geese and wombats complain.
He also made the animals room with their natural prey, such as lions and gazelles, bats and bugs, bulldogs and inner-city babies, and Christian Bale and an annoying cameraman.
"And then, like any other father on a boat, Noah quickly became a total dick to his family."
The family has difficulty keeping themselves busy while on the ark, because Noah threw the Monopoly game overboard on the third day because he couldn't be the hat. He then throws the Game of Life overboard because Chris took the blue car.
Peter says that God only pours rain on places where there's too much butt stuff going on. So he and Chris vow to stop doing it if it stops raining.
Stewie: Let it pour.
The Last Supper
The episode starts with Jesus (Peter) and Mary (Lois) dying Easter eggs.
The reason they're holding the last supper: They're holding a fantasy football draft.
Sign at Pontius Pilate's (Carter) office: "Formerly Penny's Pilates"
Pontius points out that Edie McClurg is voicing his secretary.
Judas (Brian) is unsure about betraying Jesus for 30 pieces of silver until Pontius (Carter) offers him two dirty tennis balls as well.
Jesus talking about the Bigfoot pizza.
"Quiet down, Judas. There's a Judas among us... and it's Luke."
The Centurion who shows up to arrest Jesus turns out to be the Giant Chicken, and the two prepare to have an epic chicken fight, but the story ends there.
349. Movin' In (Principal Shepherd's Song)
This episode starts with Meg being forced to give Chris her pants because Chris somehow forgot to put his on before he left the house.
Principal Shepherd massages Chris shoulders through the morning announcements so he can tell the sexual harassment court he does it to everyone.
Principal Shepherd's fat-shaming is heard by the school because he thought the speaker was hooked up to Alexa.
Peter and Lois looking at their iPad during Suits, even though they were told not to.
Peter apparently thinks Chris's name is "Keith".
And Lois thinks Meg's name is "Mary".
"School should be a safe place where kids are shot sometimes!"
Peter's daydream that Chris is crowned "Biggest Boy" at the state fair.
After getting fired from the school board during a meeting, Shepherd turns the lights off even though everyone else is still there.
Brian discovers that Stewie has written a kids book about him called "Flunky, The Dumb White Dog", that portrays him as a clumsy moron.
Brian: My catchphrase is Herf Derf?!
Stewie in charge of the Salem Witch Trials, which turns into Stewie almost being exposed as gay.
Principal Shepherd's first name is revealed to be Firstname.
Act one ends with Peter texting Shepherd to ask Lois to move all the beds to one room and put a trampoline in another.
Chris doesn't recognize Shepherd without a tie on.
After Shepherd moves in with the Griffins, he starts organizing the family like a school, and makes Peter eat with the "special" class in a shed outside the house.
Peter says he ad-libbed a eulogy at his aunt's funeral after seeing the corpse slide out of the coffin.
After just three minutes in the basement, Meg triggers a game of Russian Roulette by attempting to kill Peter.
At the trial, Stewie tries to prove that Brian is dumb by asking him the difference between Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg, but it's objected because no one can.
The Griffins doing a Breakfast Club dance for the promo (which blew the show's budget for a sequence where they actually try to escape from the basement).
Peter accepting a Facebook request from his high school crush, but it's really Joe catfishing him. Then Chris catfishes Joe.
The jury foreman tries to delay the verdict one day because the hotel they stay in has free HBO, but it was only a preview that ended that day.
After being re-instated, Shepherd notices a dong on his desk that Peter drew.
In The Stinger, Stewie learns Brian created his own book series Swishy, The Football Baby, which portrays Stewie as a Camp Gay weirdo with catchphrases like "Hey, sailor!", "Who's up for brunch?", and "I'm a bottom!"
Chris pitches a crossover book of Flunky, The Dumb White Dog and Swishy, The Football Baby, but the publisher rejects it. So Chris reads erotic Phineas and Ferb fan fiction while the publisher eats soup.