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Funny / Fallout: New Vegas

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  • One of the dialogue choices when encountering the NCR soldiers guarding the approach to Esteban Morales' body is a classic:
    NCR Soldier: Hey, what are you doing here?
    Courier: I'm taking this basket of cakes to my grandmother's house.
  • Any time you initiate combat with ED-E as one of your followers, a brief snippet of Western music plays. That's right: you get a robot that supplies you with Battle Music.
  • You're exploring near a destroyed highway outside North Freeside. Combat music starts but there's no enemy in sight. Then a mad Brahmin appears from nowhere, having run right up and over a boxcar wall towards you.
  • OBJECTIVE: Talk to the idiot wearing sunglasses.
    • Almost everything Fantastic says is hysterical:
    No, man. I know exactly what I'm doing. I just don't know what effect it's going to have.
    They asked me how well I understood theoretical physics. I told them I had a theoretical degree in physics. They said welcome aboard.
    Well, see, we're getting power because the guy running this place is Fantastic.
    Got the whole NCR suckling my teats, and it feels so good.
    ... the mirrors outside aren't aimed right, so we're running at one percent efficiency. And I guess that just isn't good enough for some assholes.
    • This one is a little hard to find, but if you help the Legion take over the solar power plant, Fantastic will have assimilated and is wearing a Legionnaire's armor. Talk to him and he says, "Hey, man, when in Rome..."
      • Becomes a touch less funny when you realize he murdered Ignacio Rivas. Then again, Fantastic was able to murder somebody, which is funny in and of itself.
    • Talk to certain NPCs and you discover that the machine Fantastic is messing with was actually the intercom.
  • If you have Rex in your party when around one of the dancing ladies outside the casino. "I don't think that's what they mean by 'doggy style'."
  • If you have the Animal Friend perk, you can crouch next to an animal and give them items. It strangely makes you lose karma though and if you try to do it again a notice will pop up saying, "[Animal] has already caught you".
  • Whenever an NPC happens to be speaking clearly to you while guzzling a beverage.
  • OBJECTIVE: Find Gloria Van Graff at the Silver Rush in Freeside and make that bitch eat her hair. Three guesses whose quest that comes from. If you're wondering, it's Cass. In case you haven't noticed, Gloria Van Graff is bald. Then again, Cass never said head hair...
  • The story of Vikki & Vance, and the wide swath of crime and violence they cut across the United States. Or would have, if they hadn't preferred to shoplift, bounce checks, and steal gas. (They drove recklessly, too!) And the note on Vance's gun speculating about the number of people he'd have killed... if he'd ever fired it. More, if he'd reloaded! Or how their crime spree ended: accidentally getting caught in the crossfire between law enforcement and a group of bank robbers, which is topped off by the police promptly issuing an official apology for their deaths.
  • Bruce Isaac on his robbing a Reno mob boss: "Also... uh... I may have plowed his daughter. A little."
    "... Wow. My hat is off to you, that takes balls."
  • If you choose Meyers as the new sheriff of Primm you get a news report with this speech from him:
    "Howdy-do folks, I'm Sheriff Meyers. Be good, or I'll shoot you dead."
    • Choosing Primm Slim leads to a good interview too.
    "Loading public appeasement oration... complete. Howdy citizens! Can I get a YEEHAW for law and order in the fine town of... Error. Token not found."
  • There's a sense of Black Comedy in the game keeping track of faction reputations and letting you know that you've gained infamy with them upon killing the faction's leader. "Caesar's Legion Infamy Gained!" seems a redundant thing to notify you of after you've stormed The Fort and put a shotgun shell in Caesar's head.
  • Taking Boone with you to kill Caesar and talking to him afterwards gives this gem.
    Boone: We killed Caesar. Won't stop the rest of the Legion's movements.
    Courier: Still feels pretty good though, doesn't it?
    • It helps that this character is played by comedian Dave Foley and feels like something that could have existed on his old show.
    • One of his best lines (paraphrased): We just upload my memory into the mainframe and upgrade the defenses, and then we can take over Las Vegas. Easy peasy!
    • Also:
      Yes Man: The Platinum Chip is the key to overriding, and exploiting, Mr. House's defenses. Did I just say "exploiting"? That's not a very nice word.
    • After Yes-Man happily tells of how he successfully calculated the best way for Benny to kill the Courier and grab the chip, you can tell him:
      Courier: I'm the courier Benny shot.
      Yes Man: Hahaha! I know that's not true, because you still have a head!
      Courier: I'm serious.
      Yes Man: Hahaha! That's... not funny... you getting shot in the head. I really shouldn't have taken so much pride in how I set that up, huh? ... I feel really bad right now.
      • It gets even more amusing if you tell him you're going to kill him for that.
      Courier: You set me up. Now you die.
      Yes Man: I feel really bad telling you this, but I kind of... can't die. I mean, go ahead and destroy this Securitron, get it out of your system! The problem is that a distributed image of my neuro-computational matrix is backed-up to the network several times a day, or when I'm threatened! I can't help it! There's a little bit of me in every Securitron out on the Strip, so if this instance gets destroyed, I just download to a new one. If I could stop it from happening, I would! I mean, {sympathy} your vengeance is going to feel so incomplete!
      Courier: So I get to kill you over and over again. <Attack Yes Man.>
      Yes Man: Hahaha! I knew there was a positive in it somewhere!
    • If you tell Yes Man that you got a faction to side with either the NCR or the Legion instead of him:
      Yes Man: (Confused) Really? ... Okay! That sounds fun! That's not aiding the enemy. Not when you do it!
    • And then there's this conversation option if you side with him:
      NCR General Oliver: (threats about NCR returning to destroy New Vegas)
      Courier: I see. Yes Man, please throw General Oliver from the Dam.
      Oliver: What the hell? No, get away from me, you goddamn TV on wheels!
      This happens.
      And the Courier taking a sip from their canteen, clearly admiring Yes-Man's work.
      • If you look closely, it seems Yes Man actually uppercuts Oliver over the railing.
    • His description of the Great Khans. There's something inherently funny about how he seems to loathe them yet is so delightfully happy about it. Of particular note is when you get them to leave the Mojave:
      Yes Man: Maybe they'll get eaten by giant scorpions!
    • Try attacking him. Not only will he not fight back, he will actually compliment you for attacking him... all in his normal happy-go-lucky tone of voice.
      Yes Man: That's it! Make me take my medicine!
      Yes Man: Baaad robot! BAAAAAD ROBOT!
      Yes Man: I have nobody to blame but myself! (done in a very heroic and noble-sounding voice)
    • With the right options while dealing with Benny, it's possible to kill him with Yes Man watching. What does he say after watching you blow his employer's head off with a shotgun? It's a toss-up between "good one!" and "you're a killer!"
    • His responses if you do things detrimental to your efforts:
      Yes Man: (Fail to gain support from the Boomers) Okay, who needs artillery support? Not the good guys, that's for sure! Then consider them ignored! If they end up firing their Howitzers at us, we'll ignore that too, until it goes away.
      Yes Man: (Destroy the Securitron army) You... blew it up! That's just funny, because that... army seems like the secret weapon that was the whole point of... you know... I can't get over how brave you are to destroy all those Securitrons at the fort! You know, it's going to make everything so much more... uhhhh... challenging! Yeah! Challenging!
      Yes Man: (Fail to gain support from The Strips Casinos) Well that's... that's an unusual approach! But it must make sense somehow if you're doing it! I mean I would have thought that would be bad for the Strip but... I guess it must be good!
      Yes Man: (Fail to gain support from the Brotherhood of Steel) You did? Well... that's a surprise. They'll probably want to blow me up! But hey, maybe dumb robots like me deserve to be blown to bits and scrapped for salvage. Who knows? Not me...
  • Finding FISTO the Sexbot and pretty much everything about it. Especially the noises.
    • Please assume the position.
    • What?! No!
    Fisto: Numbness will subside in several minutes.
    • Alternatively:
    • Once you tell James Garrett about his new acquisition, he becomes rather... enthusiastic about the "possibilities". For his customers, of course. Sure.
    • If you haven't noticed, F.I.S.T.O. only fights with his right fist. Think about it... or don't.
    • Testing FISTO is even funnier if you have companions. They just stand there and WATCH.
  • While almost everything in Vault 22 is high-octane Nightmare Fuel, using Melee to kill a Spore Plant can result in the normally-stationary thing to be flung around with the same ragdoll physics as a normal human.
  • Try asking Mr. House where The Strip gets its power. He sighs heavily for a moment before replying "Hoover Dam. A hydroelectric dam?" He doesn't directly insult you, but the tone is dripping with so much condescending snark and contempt, it's an insult just to hear him use it on you.
  • Several of the Courier's interactions with Benny once you track his ass down double as this and Moment of Awesome.
    Benny: The cleaners will knock twice. Tell them to be thorough.
    Courier: It's a real mess in here - four bodies.
    Benny: ... What the fuck?!
    • It's also pretty funny when you find the Great Khans in Boulder City. Particularly since you can tell Jessup, word for word, "I Got Better."
    • Or pretend you're a ghost. Complete with "Whoooooooooh." and then Jessup shrugging it off.
      • Even better, it's a hilarious call back as Cass describes Ranger Ghost with the same "Whooooooooh" as the Courier when you arrive at Mojave Outpost in the first couple of hours of the game.
  • Blow up the sulfur caves under Vault 19 after exterminating the geckos in them, and then report to Samuel Cooke for a case of you, the player, Comically Missing the Point. Cooke is pissed that the sulfur caves have been blown up, and when you tell him "I killed all the geckos for you", Cooke has to spell it out for you that the whole reason he wanted the geckos killed is so they could have access to the caves, and if you think he's still giving you a reward after what you pulled, think again.
  • After the Beyond the Beef quest, it's possible to encounter a glitch in the White Glove dining room where a woman is standing in the lap of another woman, her dress covering the sitting woman's face. Did anyone realize how much Gomorrah and The Ultra-Luxe had in common?
  • If you haven't completed Beyond the Beef, you can go back to the Lucky 38 and tell Mr. House that the White Glove Society is engaging in cannibalism. His reaction, instead of being horrified, is to tell you, in a "not this again" tone, that they are breaking their contract and you can deal with them any way you want.
  • Talking to Cliff Briscoe after getting Jeannie May Crawford killed has you say you did it in one of several ways, all equally funny. And he still gives you a discount!
    Courier: I killed Jeannie May. Do I still get my discount?
    Cliff: Ki- killed her? Why would you do something like that?
    Courier: She missed my wake-up call.
    • Speaking of Briscoe, his house. The poor guy clearly has some issues when it comes to Dinky the Dinosaur figurines. He's got so many he has to keep them in his house! It's not his fault nobody ever buys the T-Rexes. You only have yourself to blame... and your attempts to save him from them will also be only temporary, as buying all of them from him will be soon invalidated by the full count of them being completely restocked every three days.
      • To be clear - he has one thousand of those T-Rexes in his shop inventory. Obviously kept in his Bag of Holding, because if they were actually stocked, it would look something like this...
  • Many of the failed skill/attribute checks.
    • Trying to pistol whip a replacement cannibalism victim.
      Courier:Look out, behind you! <Pistol Whip Carlyle>
      Carlyle St. Clair III: Huh? Hey, I think you dropped your gun there. Here. Here you go. Just don't point it at me, okay.
    • At Nellis, talking to one of the Boomers about food:
      Courier: But where do you get protein? Oh my god! You're all cannibals!
    • Even better is the failed Speech check at Mojave Outpost when trying to get Meyers pardoned by the NCR:
      Courier: Come on, he's just a convict. How bad could he be?
    • Trying to get the White Glove Society to fess up about a kidnapping:
      Courier: I sort of tasted human flesh once. Mmm mmm good. Tell me all your secrets.
    • Trying to convince Mr. House to pay you extra for the delivery of the Platinum Chip:
      Courier: Raise your price or... or... you'll be "chip outta luck."
      Mr. House: Is that an attempt at... humor?
    • Failing to convince drug-runner Jack to make beneficial chems:
      Jack: What do you mean, helpful? My stuff already makes people feel groodalicious.
      Courier: If "groodalicious" means "dead," maybe. Think of the Children!, man! The children!
      Jack: I don't know what you've been smoking, but where can I get some?
    • When attempting to set a couple of Freeside addicts back on the straight-and-narrow, but lacking the scientific knowledge to know what the hell you're talking about:
      Courier: Just stick your fingers down your throat. That'll flush you real good.
    • Trying to get a shady character to offer to sell you Jet:
      Courier: Boy, I... sure would like some drugs. Do you know where I could buy some drugs?
    • Showing a Legionnaire how to disarm mines.
      Courier: The trick, I figure, is to pick up the mine really, really carefully.
      Decanus Severus: Go find a minefield and practice that "trick" several times, then. Idiot.
    • Convincing Canyon Runner to sell the slaves at lower price
      Courier: But the girl is sick. With classic symptoms of, uh... Vagina Dentata?
      Canyon Runner: I think my Latin is better than yours. I inspect all the captives myself, and there was no "dentata."
    • Trying to give the Bitter Springs refugee camp an irradiated supply crate:
      Courier: These supplies are radioactive, so swallow lots of lead before you eat them.
      Cpt. Gilles: You know, I appreciate the help but... we'll pass on those. Thanks.
    • Failing to convince Sarah to buy non-Vault suits (and trying to convince her to sell leather armor)
      Courier: Thinking about you in tight leather makes me want to uh... blow my top?
    • Veronica will ask you if you know anything about the Brotherhood of Steel before giving the dialogue option to have her as a companion. One of the responses with a low Intelligence score:
      Courier: I've heard they shoot lasers from their eyes.
      Veronica: Wow. I've got to admit, you have completely defied my first impression of you. Eye lasers. I'll be sure and look out for that next time.
    • Trying to convince Daniel in Honest Hearts that he should sell you some of his limited medical supplies:
      Courier: But I have... caps. Many of them. Let me show you all of my fine caps.
      Daniel: I'm sure your caps are fine, but I have to hold on to the supplies I have here. Sorry.
    • Trying to convince Easy Pete in Goodsprings that you know how to safely use dynamite:
      Courier: How hard can it be? Just light them and throw.
    • Attempting to fool the security robots in front of New Vegas' entrance with no Science skills:
    • When trying to help the Misfits at Camp Golf, you can give bad advice about aiming, mostly consisting of putting more lead into the air. However, with advice about throwing grenades:
      Courier: Okay, count to three, throw the grenade, and pull the pin. Wait, no....
      Mags: I've got a bad feeling about this...
    • And...
      Courier: No, no, no! You have to *hit* the target with the grenade or it won't go off!
    • Trying to suggest to Pete how the Boomers could get the B-29 back up:
      Courier: I guess you could start the engines underwater and hop it up onto shore...
  • Even some of the successful Speech checks are hilarious, especially when they're basically bullshitting your way in lieu of actually passing a check with another skill.
    • When Caesar asks you for medical advice:
      Courier: Straightforward case of intra-cranial blastoma fibrolosisnote , I wager.
      Caesar: I'm not familiar with that condition. Is it treatable?
  • President Aaron Kimball of the New Californian Republic visits Hoover Dam in... Bear Force One
    Kimball: Thank you, thank you. [Beat] All right, let's get the fuck out of here. What, do you think I want to get shot? Let's get out of here.
  • When talking to Boone about Nelson.
    Boone: We're coming up on Nelson. I'm going to kill every Legion in there. I hope that's not a problem.
    Courier: No, that's not a problem. That's a solution.
    Boone: Goddamn right, you and I, we're just a couple of problem solvers.
  • The G-rated sex scene with Benny. Especially tone of the "hello" - you'd think he was greeting a passer-by, not admiring a woman's breasts. Poor guy just sounds so bored, so it's like he's trying to be polite when he says it was the best sex he ever had.
    • Hell, the whole dialogue tree leading up to said aforementioned event with Benny. He's highly disturbed that the woman he shot in the head twice wants to sleep with him. Doesn't stop him from doing it.
  • When an anti-Legion Courier is discussing Mr. House's "ultimate weapon" with Caesar:
    Caesar: So I want it destroyed.
    Courier: Maybe Benny could do this for you.
    Caesar: I wouldn't trust Benny to lick my boots clean. This one falls to you.
    • So you won't trust someone who merely snuck in to your base, but you will trust someone who has been ruining almost every plan you have had in motion? Brilliant, Caesar.
  • The entire schtick of The Kings in Freeside. A local, reasonably honorable gang which has set up HQ in an Elvis impersonation academy, and EVERY SINGLE ONE is an Elvis Presley impersonator.
    • Made even funnier by the fact that only the King and Pacer are actually trying to impersonate Elvis (because they're the last people who got to hear the tapes containing Elvis' voice before they broke down).
    • And perhaps their boss The King's explanation for why:
    The King: Near as I can tell, [this building] was some sort of religious institution. Oh, I know it says "school" out front, but everything in here seems to be related to the worship of some guy from back in the day. People used to come here to learn about him, to dress like him, to move like him. To BE him. If that's not worship, I don't know what is.
    • Well... he's not entirely wrong...
      • Best part of all this? They took it to mean, "Everyone should be The King." As in royalty. Kind of like the American Founding Fathers' goal of "making everyone a sovereign." They match the Followers for the title of "the most idealistic group in New Vegas."
    • Really, the entire existence of the Kings. The whole 50's style of Fallout means that the player doesn't often see any kind of outright reference to anything that a young modern gamer considers to be popular culture. So the first time a player gets to New Vegas, he probably just thinks that these "Kings" are just another gang of thugs. Sure, they've got a cool name, but other than that, they don't really stick out compared to the Legion and the NCR... and then you get to Vegas, and the ball drops when you pass through the last loading screen and come face-to-face with a giant neon sign reading The King's School of Impersonation, along with a couple dozen Elvis impersonators running around in greaser outfits, and then further combined with the unmistakable neon silhouettes of Elvis's peculiar dancing style. The entire thing just comes out of nowhere and left many players gobsmacked and laughing at the realization of what the Kings really were - and adds a new light to those quotations that Mr. New Vegas reads out on the radio.
    • Another hilarious line comes from a random member of the Kings, who mentions how hungry he is and how he could really go for a Fancy Lads, then has a flustered Verbal Backspace.
  • Veronica's description of The Legion.
    Courier: Any thoughts about Caesar's Legion?
    Veronica: Silliest dressed band of raping, slaving marauders you'll see east of California, I'll say that. Where's that touch of Old World class? Although I hear the soldiers mount each other as much as they mount their women, so maybe they did keep a little something from the Empire. No such privilege for the women though. Figures. So to answer your question, they're a bunch of hypocritical jerkwads. It's a word.
  • After the Legion and the casinos confiscate your weapons when you enter, by the time you meet the Boomers and are told to come quietly, you're probably expecting to be disarmed. If you bring this up, the guard acts horrified, and tells you "Personal armament is the foundation of social trust and responsibility."
    • The fact that the Boomers' origin story is a mix of tribal-esque narration with a lot of descriptions of military hardware and blowing stuff up.
    • Ditto for their pride in their kill-death ratio after leaving Vault 34... and their belief that a 43.6:1 KDR among their people was still unacceptable.
  • Philipe's Badass Boast definitely counts.
    Philipe: I'm the fucking god of New Vegas brahmin fusion cuisine, that's who. No. No. That doesn't even give me the credit I deserve. I fucking invented edible food! Do you like eating? Good. You owe me your entire goddamned garbage existence.
    • Even better than Philipe's rant is when a player with a high enough medical skill psychoanalyzes him.
    Philipe: Take my recipes. It won't fill the hole, though. Just remember that. (tearfully) You'll always feel empty!
    • If you go the medicine route, Philipe's final line is a hilarious Mood Whiplash. He's yelling and all of a sudden drops in this quiet "God, I'd forgotten about that. How could they do that to me?"
      • Even the game's functions have fun with it. Instead of providing a [SUCCEEDED] or [FAILED] as it usually does with skill checks, it answers his nonsense with [?] as he's throwing a Cluster F-Bomb of a response.
  • Cass talking about how the NCR is suffering from over-extension.
    Cass: Nobody's dick is that long. Not even Long Dick Johnson, and he had a fucking long dick. Thus, the name.
    Courier: Yeah, I got that part, thanks.
    • Speaking of Cass and penis fascination, she'll have much to say about House's life-extending contraption, specifically the very prominent tube connected to his crotch.
      • Veronica will also make a joke about House only having two female "robot sex slaves."
    • Cass will state that the bull representing Caesar's Legion is the result of Caesar Compensating for Something.
  • From the epilogue, if you went Independent:
    Cass lived to see the Courier defeat three armies, which was three more than she expected. She'd kept quiet about that, though.
  • Getting past REPCONN HQ's top floor security with Intelligence 2 or below or Luck 7.
    Bot: Third floor is for executives only. Identify yourself.
    Dumb Courier: ICE CREAM!/Lucky Courier: cream?
    Bot: [SUCCEEDED] Hello sir, please enjoy your stay.
    • Even funnier when you realize that the reason why the Int 2 or lower character shouts Ice Cream is because they mistake the Mister Handy for an ice cream dispenser.
    • Also even funnier when you realize that the hard Science check to hack the securitrons into authorizing you in the strip is this code: 1C 3C R34 M. Ice Cream in L33t L1ng0!
  • Tabitha's insane ramblings on the Black Mountain Radio. It is even better if one have the mental image of Saren ranting on and on about how humans are inferior to the Nightkin, as they share the same VA. That casting decision can't be a coincidence.
    • Dismemberment may occur.
      • And there is her hatred of the Battle Cattle (Caesar's Legion). SHE HATES AND/OR FEARS THE BATTLE CATTLE! Maybe one of them hurt Rhonda?
      • "Citizens of Utobitha should not be seen running like scared little humans!" Just the imagery of the "dumb-dumbs" running from a bunch of Legionaries in fear is an amusing thought.
    • We're back with Best Friend Tabitha, who is telling why humans should STAY THE HELL AWAY!
    • When "Rhonda" and Tabitha talk about Centaurs:
      Tabitha: But humans must be so caught up with their pleasant features that they forget the most important thing about centaurs!
      "Rhonda": And what might that be, Best Friend Tabitha?
    • While climbing up the mountain, you can happen upon a receiver and have the option to call up Tabitha, who is outraged you interrupted her broadcast. One of three things can happen: you can convince her you're a super mutant declaring a revolt, in which case she sentences all "Dumb-dumbs" to death, you can be quiet in which case she grumbles and ignores you, or, you can go the Black Comedy route and tell her you're a fan of her. She thanks you, then says she has to do something and hangs up. Cue a broadcast about an intruder in the compound, shoot to kill!
      • More points for trying to pretend you're a super mutant declaring a revolt, but failing the Speech check.
      "Was that supposed to sound like a dumb-dumb? Because they sound dumber than that. They sound like this: "Duuuuuh.""
      • And with low Intelligence, you can pass for a super mutant without even trying:
      Dumb!Courier: "Uh... what?"
      Tabitha: "Why do I even bother? Go play with something shiny, dumb-dumb."
  • J.E. Sawyer's own words on one of the peculiar bugs:
    BTW, RE: Rex/ED-E being randomly attacked:
    We discovered what was causing this. Sandboxing AI sees food (including water) on ED-E or Rex and decides that the only way to get that delicious food is to kill them. Because they are not NPCs (in code, they are "creatures"), this is "legitimate" behavior. We have fixed this behavior for the upcoming patch. Until then, a workaround is to remove food/water items from Rex/ED-E before hungry, hungry sandboxing folks get near those dudes.
  • The Wild Wasteland adds some hilarious moments to the game. An example of which is the set of Holy Hand Grenades you can find in Searchlight's church. The sign just reads, "Pull pin and count to 5 3." And the grenades will make a bigger boom when you count to 3.
    • Then, there's this fridge you can find with a skeleton in it, with a rather distinctive hat. Maybe someone tried to survive a nuke in it...
    • For more Monty Python humor, there's graffiti on a wall in Cottonwood Cove that reads, "Romanes eunt domus."
    • Yet more Monty Python humor. There's a random encounter where you might get attacked by a gang of old ladies.
    • Also, in Honest Hearts, one of the members of the Dead Horses tribe is named Two-Bears-High-Fiving after the infamous inkblot test from the game's opening, and a nod to a popular mod that adds "two bears high-fiving" to the list of answers you can give Doc Mitchell during the test.
  • What's a fish?
    • (INT check passed) I know what a fish is. Do YOU know what a fish is?
    • And how Cass describes them: "It's this slimy scaled thing; like a lakelurk, except no legs. Well most times. They're like birds, except they stay underwater."
  • Your Intelligence level subtly changes your dialogue options throughout the whole game, ranging from Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness all the way down to Hulk Speak. That said, dumb dialogue is always a riot:
    • Go to the New Vegas Medical Clinic. Dr. Usanagi will introduce herself to you and says she sells implants. The following exchange takes place:
      Courier: You sell plants?
      Dr. Usanagi: Um, no. I sell implants. They're tiny little machines I can put inside you that can make you stronger, faster, or smarter. I recommend the smarter one.
      • Bonus: Dr. Usanagi takes pity on you poor, stupid sod, and discounts the Intelligence mod if you have INT 2 or less.
  • Arcade drops plenty of hints that he'd like to follow the Courier wherever he/she's going. You can, however, play dumb and get this response:
    Arcade: Don't mind me. Just voicing my thoughts so they don't burrow out of my skull in a fit of abject despondency.
    • On a related note, recruiting Arcade with a really low Intelligence.
      Courier: This place is really complicated and stuff. You're smart. Can you help me do... things?
      • The best part? Using the super-low Intelligence option actually works. Normally you either need a Speech skill of 70, high Followers reputation, or the Confirmed Bachelor perk, but with 2 or lower INT, Arcade joins you because he feels that letting you wander into the Wasteland by yourself would be tantamount to murder.
  • It's so childish, but the Toss my salad, Caesar!! graffiti on the loading screen is fairly funny.
    Powder Gangers do it with a BANG!
  • When you win too much money at the Ultra-Luxe casino, you can be a Deadpan Snarker as they kick you out:
    Floor Manager: This is enough. You will have to leave now.
    Courier: No problem! Thank you for making me rich!
    • Also at the Ultra-Luxe if you kill Benny:
    Random White Glove: I know Benny was murdered, but if you ask me, the real crime was that checkered jacket.
    • The leader of the White Gloves' reaction to one of her colleagues attempting to surreptitiously reintroduce them to cannibalism:
    Marjorie: He always was a bit of a pill, Mortimer. He was so pouty when I decided to ban eating people. And now this.
    • Even your first contact with the casino can be hilarious.
    White Glove Greeter: Beg your pardon, but could I trouble you to turn over your weapons?
    Courier: Could I trouble you to blow it out your ass?
  • Sometimes random NPC combat phrases and good timing make for excellent comedy. For example, there's this tidbit after literally painting the walls with the organs of a dead Fiend in front of his partner.
  • Try using the console to give a male character female romance perks (or alternatively a female male romance perks). This turns the encounter with Benny into one of THE MOST hilarious conversations in RPG history.
  • Meeting the Lonesome Drifter with the Lady Killer perk.
    Courier: [Lady Killer] Wait, Montana? You don't happen to be seventeen, do you?
    Lonesome Drifter: No sir, I'm 28. Why?
    Courier: No reason. Well, uh, say, let's talk about something else.
  • The one Followers scientist in HELIOS One is someone you can have low Intelligence conversations with. He's also someone who can be affected by the Confirmed Bachelor perk. Hilarity Ensues, especially since, thanks to economy of voice acting, he doesn't bat an eye when you declare "I is scientistic."
    Dumb Courier: [Confirmed Bachelor] You too tense. It wrinkle your nice face.
    Ignacio: You're right. I'm sorry. That imbecile in the next room has me on edge. I used to be more fun. I'm still passionate about my work, though. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. I'm in the Followers of the Apocalypse. How about you?
    Dumb Courier: I with me.
    Ignacio: Then for everyone's sake, I hope you serve a worthy master. Are you a maker of war, or peace?
    Dumb Courier: Pizza.
    Ignacio: That's reassuring, although many who've made that claim over the years have had less than pure intentions.
  • One of Arcade's many attempts to backpedal, this one after letting slip his familiarity with vertibirds:
    Courier: What do you know about them?
    Arcade: Uh, what does anyone know about them? Big... flying machines, right? Crazy helicopters. So weird.
    • You have to listen to him when he says that, it only adds to the hilarity. Normally Arcade sounds very intellectual but in this case he's trying to make himself sound stupid and he doesn't do a good job at all.
    • Can't forget the line in REPCONN:
    Courier: How are you so familiar with energy weapons?
    Arcade: Stop thinking so much. Thanks.
  • If you've done plenty of NCR-supportive quests before going to first talk with Caesar, when you finally do get around to it, he'll sound angry and will demand to know why after doing so much to help the enemy, you've dared to come to speak to him. Picking the right dialogue option (that Caesar gave the Courier his Mark and protection) yields this.
    Caesar: And you believed that? Because I'm going to have you killed now.
    Caesar: Relax. I'm fucking with you.
  • The drunks in Freeside.
    Random Drunk: There are many great things in life, but peeing is definitely the best.
    Random Drunk: Woohoo!
    Random Drunk: Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, busty Brahmin riding a caravaneer off into the sunset? ... wait, I don't think that came out right.
    Random Drunk: Hey, you gotta keep your bitches in line!
    Random Drunk: You got any change, man? I've got, ummm, five kids to feed.
    Random Drunk: Ow! Why are you poking me!
    Random Drunk: I'll give you five caps for the robot!
  • In Camp McCarran, you get the opportunity to prank the local prankster, Pvt. Davey Crenshaw. By pulling his grenade pins.
    (After being told you pulled someone's grenade pins)
    "Man, I can't wait to see the look on his face!"
  • When you ask Veronica how someone joins the Brotherhood of Steel.
    Courier: How did you get to be a member?
    Veronica: More sexual favors than I can even count. I am still tired from it. No, actually, you're born into it.
  • No-Bark Noonan. Pretty much everything he says, especially the part about the chupacabra.
    No-Bark: Work of the chupacabra, the livestock vampire, says No-Bark, but they don't pay no mind. Too many holes, they say, and there's bullets in them. Well, says No-Bark, we got a chupacabra with an automatic weapon on our hands. And that's when they get real quiet, 'cause now they see the predicament we're in.
    • The best thing about Noonan is that most of what he says is seventy percent insane babbling mixed with maybe thirty percent useful information. For a couple of quests he's actually the most helpful NPC in Novac!
  • Sergio, the Ambiguously Gay hair stylist for the Kings, says a really lovely campy line in an oddly obsessive-orgasmic tone to you if you're not a member of the gang:
    Sergio: You want your hair done too? No. No. No. The Kings are many and their hair must be perfect!!
  • During the White Wash quest, Corporal White has gone missing. Your first lead is Dazzle, a prostitute he frequents. You learn he's dead over a water dispute and would later turn in your quest.
    Courier: I have an update on Corporal White.
    Lt. Boyd: Don't tell me. He married the hooker.
  • In Veronica’s personal quest you need to ask around Freeside so you can figure out who’s seen the range finder you’re after. One of the people you need to talk to is a nameless drunk vagrant whose dialogue is mostly just drunken mumbling and incoherent slurring. There’s three ways to go about getting the info from him, you can bribe him, threaten him, or be an idiot. If you have low intelligence there’s special dialogue that makes his incoherent mumbling into intellectual, eloquent descriptions of him seeing some kids playing with the gun and he gives you some genuine advice on avoiding his choices that led him to his “present infirmities and spiritual woes.”
    Dumb Courier: Goodbye.
    Vagrant: Fare thee well.
  • A case of Mood Whiplash during Veronica's personal quest, after confronting the paladins who've massacred a Followers of the Apocalypse outpost and accused Veronica of giving out Brotherhood secrets.
    Paladin: What have you got to say for yourself?
    Courier: It was all her idea.
    • Alternatively:
    Courier: Your face must be pretty ugly to always be wearing that helmet. Do you wear it on dates, too?
    Paladin: No, I don't wear it on - enough!
    • Or for those of us with Terrifying Presence, watch the BOS Paladins who've been acting like pricks for the entire quest suddenly turn into cowering wrecks.
      Paladin: In the name of the Codex, I sentence you to death.
      The Courier: I will cast down your Codex and bask in the dying agony of those who hold it dear.
      Paladin: <in a high-pitched terrified voice> No! No! NOOO!
      • Followed by Veronica with "Uh, you were kidding just now when you said that thing about the Codex... right?"
      • Veronica's concern about you destroying the Codex also works as a subtle allusion to Felicia Day's character in The Guild.
    • Alternatively, if you have low intelligence:
  • One quest for the Followers in Freeside involves talking to two drunks and passing a Speech check to get them to sober up. Unless your Speech is too low, in which case getting drunk to increase your Charisma might boost your skill enough to pass their checks. That's right, one of the ways to make the two men sober up is to get drunk because you're not convincing enough sober. Ain't life grand?
  • The Securitrons during a random event in which some scantily-clad women dance in the Ultra-Luxe's fountain outside the casino.
    Securitron: Please remove your bra (Beat) from the bottom of the fountain.
  • Outside Gomorrah, sometimes there will be a small group of male and female NCR soldiers cheering at a dancing prostitute. If you wait and watch, the female soldiers will flank the prostitute and start dancing. The male soldiers will then get closer and resume their cheering before the whole group runs into Gomorrah. Seems like they had the Lady Killer and Cherchez la Femme Perks.
  • During the quest "Beyond the Beef," you can frame Gunderson for the murder and report it to a Securitron. Said Securitron will launch into a surreal speech about the importance of law. Text can't do it justice.
  • On Nukapedia, there seems to be one (or a few) editors with a sly sense of humor, adding in a few wrong, though humorous and Lampshade Hanging lines. Most of the changes have since been reverted, but there's been a few that are memorable.
    (Concerning shoddy programming involving an NCR NPC who thinks he's at somewhere he isn't.)
    "After the NCRCF has been retaken, Lieutenant Hayes was banished to Camp Forlorn Hope for his continued complaining that he needed more men to retake the facility, and was so shell-shocked by an experience en route that he believes he's still in Primm."
    "Follows-Chalk is a member of the Dead Horses living in Zion Canyon in 2281. He is sent by Joshua Graham to greet the Courier upon entering Zion. He also makes strong sexual advances on the Courier, and if not accepting them this limits how far you can explore Zion"
    • Sadly since removed, the article for No-Bark Noonan makes mention of the "Pink Lenin-face on the Moon" theory. The kicker? Just below that, someone had actually made and posted the image of a pink moon with a Lenin face on it, calling it "an illustration of the theory".
  • The programming for the "casual chats" between characters is a little... iffy. Lines are assigned to characters by who voices them, not the voice they speak in. In one case, Apprentice Watkins talked with Veronica in a sweet, childlike tone, but then walked over to Taggart and started speaking in a deeper, gruff voice about the NCR. Makes for some hilarious Mood Whiplash.
  • During ''Et Tumor, Brute?", you need to perform brain surgery on Caesar to remove a tumor. Normally, you would need to be pretty much already a brain surgeon if you want this operation to succeed, but you can instead pull it off flawlessly with a Medicine skill of just 20 (lower than what's required for noticing that homeless people are just playing dead)... if you have a Luck stat of 9 or above.
    Vulpes: That was... incredible. How did you do that?
    Courier: I have no idea whatsoever.
  • If you sneak into Aurelius of Phoenix's office you'll find a Grognak comic, some toy cars, and a teddy bear, indicating that the gruff and serious centurion with his incredibly spiffy helmet is secretly still a bit of a child. Just imagining him playing with those toys while wearing his giant helmet (like Dark Helmet) is utterly hilarious.
    • And other times, he apparently likes to booze it up (even though beer is supposedly verboten in the Legion) and stroll around in Sexy Sleepwear (even sillier-looking since the default model for it is the female teddy). Though combining these apparent predilections, and tossing in the apparent predilection for cannibalism makes the implications a bit more uncomfortable.
      • Simply walking into his office is a CMOF. You walk through a camp filled with slaves, crucifixions, and heads on pikes, into the office of the ruthless commander, among the highest-ranking Legion members you encounter in the game. He wears a magnificent helmet and armor fashioned from the uniforms of his fallen enemies. And he's at a desk doing paperwork. Even Caesar needs TPS Reports, apparently.
  • Help Mick secure a guns deal with the Omertas, and he'll upgrade your Pip-Boy 3000 to... a Pimp-Boy 3 Billion. Due to a a glitch with the female mesh, a female Courier will even hold it slightly tilted when looking at the screen. Male characters hold it normally, however.
  • Doc Mitchell's reaction when the Courier associates "mother" with "human shield."
    • Another funny moment during character creation is when the good doctor shows you a couple of pictures and asks you what they look like.
    "I'm too embarrassed to say."
  • The quest Come Fly With Me ends with a trio of 50s-style rockets launching, set to Ride of the Valkyries (which is specifically selected to be the music playing when you flip the switch). Depending on your sense of humor, sabotaging the launch only makes it funnier.
    • Your approval rating goes up in Novac if you choose to sabotage the launch. note 
    • If you recruit Raul early and bring him along you get a hilarious moment when the Ferals attack them:
      Raul: HEY! I'm one of you! Don't eat me! EAT THE SMOOTHSKIN! ... Er. Sorry, Boss.
    • Even better, his tone after the last part implies that Courier just shot him a dirty look for saying that.
    • Shortly before the end of the quest, you can ask Chris, the human that thinks he's a ghoul, how he came to be part of the Bright Brotherhood. Turns out he took (natural) balding to be an undeniable sign that he had become a ghoul. The Brotherhood apparently spent a good while trying to convince him that he was human, but had no luck. You need a Speech skill of 50 to do it. Or Black Widow. And then he gets mad at the Brotherhood for "lying to him" and not telling him sooner!
      • In the ultimate irony of ironies, Chris used to live in Vault 34, and he left because he thought he was turning into a ghoul. You can go visit Vault 34 yourself and discover that in the short time since he left, everyone else in the vault has turned into feral ghouls.
    • Afterwards, Radio New Vegas reports on the "mysterious aircraft" and plays an interview with Novac's local crazy, No-Bark. Or, as Mr New Vegas puts it "... a local crackpot ... spoke to a toy bear near one of our microphones."
    Noonan: It's ghouls, I tell ya. Religious ghouls, looking for a new place to call home. Don't you laugh at me! I know a spell that'll show your true form. Cave rat taught it to me.
  • If you turn on Archimedes and kill the NCR soldiers and have Arcade with you, he reads you the riot act and storms away. But if he's wearing armor you gave him, he takes it off and returns it to you and storms away in his underwear. What the Hell, Hero? and Mood Whiplash make beautiful, hilarious children.
  • In Nipton, you can meet a crippled Powder Ganger named Boxcars who survived the Legion's assault. If you have negative reputation with the Powder Gangers (and you likely will) he'll be less than thrilled to see you.
    Boxcars: Are you fucking kidding me!? First I get my legs smashed, and then, in walks the Powder Ganger's Grim Fucking Reaper! What the fuck ya got against us, man/bitch!?
    • Hell, Boxcars in general. Try and count (or take a shot) how many times he says "fuck" in all of its variations or just how many swear words he uses in general.
      • Officially we do not recommend taking a shot when he says "fuck" for no one has a liver that strong
  • On the road between Goodsprings and Sloan, there's an extremely fitting pre-war sign indicating that "Hitchhikers may be escaped prisoners". In the middle of Powder Ganger territory. Centuries after the great war, and that sign is still 100% accurate!
  • Replace Boone's beret with a party hat, and hilarity will ensue.
  • Asking Beatrix, a cowboy dominatrix ghoul, for life advice gets you some quirky sayings:
    Beatrix: Feed a man for free and he'll be back asking for more. Feed a man a bullet. You won't hear from him again.
  • When you look around Camp Guardian, you find notes detailing all the classic signs from a horror movie: bad radio communications, sounds at night, using explosives and finding caves, shadows in the water that are too big to be a fish. When you investigate, you find that they opened up a BIG Lakelurk nest and only one of them survived. When you find him, he's wounded and you can tell he's very glad to see someone human. When you greet him, you can respond like so: <Raise Arms> "Boogedy boogedy boo!" His reaction is priceless. You can watch it here.
  • If you have an "Accepted" reputation in Freeside, this sometimes causes a hilarious plot hole. You are given the "G.I. Blues" quest because body guard Orris has figured out that everyone the King has sent to investigate him until you came along are associated with the gang. So, you enter the north gate of Freeside and hire Orris as a bodyguard. As you follow him down the road, pretending not to work for the Kings, one of the Kings promptly runs up to you and happily announces you're in good standing with the Kings and gives you free stuff. Gee, thanks for blowing my cover! Luckily, Orris never seems to notice.
  • Pretty much anything Dr. Ada Straus says.
    Courier: Can you heal my radiation?
    Straus: Are you sure? You won't be able to read in the dark as well.
    Courier: On second thought, I'll tough it out.
    Straus: Can you hold still then? I wanna make some toast.
    • Or if you ask her about curing an addiction:
    Straus: Hey, we can't talk about that here...! Oh, you want a cure? Ohhh...
    Straus: Alright, convulsions should stop after 8 to 12 weeks! If they don't, then try holding onto something very still.
    • The elder of her two mercenary bodyguards sums it up:
    Merc: Just between us, I don't think she studied at an accredited institution.
    • If you're playing on the PC version of New Vegas, you get the handy option to use the console to check certain NPC's skills and attributes. If you attempt this on most medical personnel by targeting them and typing in "getav medicine" you will typically get responses around 50-60, Doc Mitchell himself having a medical level of 64, and Arcade Gannon having a very impressive 99. Go ahead and check Straus' medical skill. See if you want her to patch you up then. It's 12. Even a basic application of the in-game skill formula would give her a basic skill of 15. She has absolutely no knowledge of medicine.
  • One of the Gun Runners' Arsenal Challenges is killing House with a golf club, endearingly titled "A Slave Obeys".
  • Corporal Farber's first line is about mistaking the Courier for a phony NCR health inspector who swindled him out of some caps.
    Farber: And I looked it up, there ain't no disease called colorectal implosion syndrome! So I paid you those caps to look the other way for nothing!
  • Recruiting Cass usually requires high skill checks, but the highest one (Barter 75) has the best pay off in sheer hilarity. You challenge your team's resident booze hound to a drinking contest. Depending on your character's Endurance stat, you get wildly different dialogue (this section in fact has the most dialogue options and voiced acting from one dialogue tree choice in the game).
    • Beating her with 10 Endurance is freaking hilarious as she's bested at drinking.
    Cass: Enough! All fi- fou- ... ALL OF YOU! Shit. I'm fuckin' wasted and you're just sitting there.
    • If you tie her in the bout, there's a bunch of different options.
    The Courier: I love you and your little hat.
    Cass: Aww, ain't that sweet.
    The Courier: Mmmmmwhen ah firsmet you, ahmm thought you werem the mmmbiggestmm mmbitch in the world.
    • Even better: Dummied Out, sadly, but when you woke up, you and Cass would be married, in a ceremony conducted by The King, no less, with no memory of it whatsoever. Such a shame it was never added.
  • Asking O'Hanrahan about why he joined the Army.
    O'Hanrahan: As the oldest one it was my duty to go into the Army so's we could eat, and so's my sisters wouldn't get killed by raiders, and Jesus would love us.
  • In the northwest part of the map, there's an abandoned farm. If you approach the pen, a Nightkin suddenly uncloaks and starts off on a rather interesting sales pitch.
    Nightkin: (uncloaks) You want to buy Wind-Brahmin?
    Courier: Ahh! Where did you come from!?
    Nightkin: Right here... where did you come from?
    Courier: 'Wind-Brahmin'? You mean the tumbleweeds?
    Nightkin: Tumble-whats?
    Courier: Oh, you're crazy, aren't you?
    Nightkin: Crazy with low prices on Wind-Brahmin! You buy one!
  • Vault 11's Lottery of Doom is not funny. The recording meant to soothe the intended victim, however, is hysterically funny. Keep in mind that it was intended for somebody who would have spent his or her entire life up to that point in several small rooms under thirty feet of rock behind three feet of steel.
    "Maybe you wanted to drive a race car!"
  • This effect works with several weapons, but the unique weapon "Pushy" sometimes has its moments. Pushy is a powered-up version of the displacer glove, a melee weapon that effectively has the same body-flinging Knock Back effect as a gauss rifle. In one of those weird moments where Wreaking Havok comes together in a way that can only be described as serendipity between world objects and Ludicrous Gibs, it is possible to punch someone with this glove with a mighty uppercut, watch their bodies go flying across the street to fetch up against a dumpster, then have their heads rocket off three stories up on a fountain of blood before eventually landing... in the opened top of the dumpster. It was simply too bizarrely cartoonish to not laugh.
  • Even for a game as notoriously buggy as this one, occasionally some bugs happen without rhyme or explanation that nonetheless result in comical examples of Artificial Stupidity and/or Too Dumb to Live. Occasionally, the NPC pathing goes a little off the rails, and you'll end up with wandering human NPCs idly walking straight off a cliff or getting caught up on a terrain object while goose-stepping in a fashion so exaggerated it's practically straight out of the Ministry of Silly Walks. Then there's the weird NPC health issue which will sometimes cause unnamed, generic NPCs to spontaneously and inexplicably die in the middle of their travel route; in one instance combining both of these examples, a generic NPC mercenary guarding a traveling merchant walked off the road and off a short but harmless foot-high drop, which inexplicably caused her to scream loudly and die right on the spot.
  • If your Speech skill isn't quite high enough for a given challenge, items that can bump it up include Sexy Sleepwear and Naughty Nightwear. So you're basically swaying people to your way of thinking with the help of your skimpy lingerie—all the way up to Legate Lanius.
  • Both Vault 34 and Vault 21 seemed to be set up to fail, but are inexplicably some of the most successful vaults in existence. The former had the populace insanely armed to the teeth even without considering they're all supposed to be locked inside a bunker for generations. It only failed due to unrelated reactor problems caused by one of their technicians more or less going insane and is still survived by the breakaway faction the Boomers. Vault 21 was filled with the most gambling addicted people they could find and instructed to build a society of games of chance. It survived for over 200 years despite being predicted to fail in two weeks and was only disbanded by Mr. House after he won the Vault in whats implied to be a rigged game.
  • Selling Arcade into slavery as Caesar's personal medic is a major dick move for the Courier, and you should feel bad for doing so. HOWEVER, it leads to this amusing exchange:
    Arcade: Hey there! Was it always your plan to sell me into slavery to Caesar, or was that a spur of the moment thing?
    Courier: Enjoying your stay?
    Arcade: In the words of Socrates: "Go fornicate yourself."
  • The insane fact that, outside of Hardcore Mode, you can attack your companions and knock them unconscious in order to heal them. Apparently, a nice forced sleep after being blown up by a grenade works wonders.
  • In casual mode, whenever one of your companions recovers after being rendered unconscious, there's a chance of them saying a unique line as they stand on their feet. Most of them are kinda amusing, (except for Boone's, which is quite pessimisticnote ) ranging from "I feel as if a bramhin kicked me."note  and "What I miss?"note  to "THURSDAY! Wait, what-?"note . However, none of them compare to Raul's reaction:
    Raul: "GAH! PETRO-CHICO BOY! Petro-Chico Boy is here after my chicharrones!note  Oh... Just a dream... Just a dream..."
    • Another of his good lines in the exact same situation:
    "{Excited} Am I dead, is this Heaven? ...{Flat} Oh. Hi boss. Guess not."
  • The Beards, Big Beard and Little Beard, mercenaries you can hire during Bye Bye Love. Odd, but hilarious.
    Big Beard: Let me guess. You want to know my secret - how I got my beard to grow in so thick.
    Courier: Yeah, sure. How?
    Big Beard: Sorry. Can't tell you. Trade secret.
    • Try asking him about his debt to Carlitos.
  • Sneaking while Cass is in your party will sometimes cause her to say this:
  • When you talk to Rotface, the other resident ghoul in Freeside, he offers to "Help you out" in exchange for caps. You can respond with a bewildered (and hilarious) "Are you... soliciting me?"
    Rotface: HA, HA, HA. Oh that's rich.
  • Santiago is one of the residents of Freeside, and is one of the targets of two simultaneous missions from the Garret Twins. One wants you to hire him as an escort for their brothel. The other one wants you to extort caps out of him. If you take both quests, and make your dialogue choices the right way, you can tell him that James Garret wants to hire him immediately after punching him in the face and telling him if he does it again, you'll kill him.
  • Raul's snarky journal entries at one of the Black Mountain terminals, are, predictably, hilarious. He chronicles his experiences with a scarred Super Mutant that he nicknamed Cuddles constantly asking him to "fix his car." When "Cuddles" attacked him, Tabitha just went and killed him. As it turns out, his "car" is a toy, and is sitting on Raul's desk, conveniently named "Cuddles' Car."
  • When you use console commands to change the field of vision, you get some rather... odd glitches with the zooming animation on guns
  • Mr. New Vegas quoting Big Sal in a news report, completely deadpan:
    • Also, there's Cachino's quote in a news report if you help him take over Gomorrah by taking out his former bosses:
    "Before he left, Nero told me him and Big Sal were tight, see, said that they were gonna go camping down at Lake Mead, said he always wanted to sleep with the lakelurks."
  • If you save before killing an NPC, then reload fast enough, they will occasionally freeze mid-revival animation when the re-load is finished. Yes, that Settler you're happily chatting with looks like he got crushed by a Looney Tunes anvil. Made better since none of their interactions change when you talk to them in this state. If only it wasn't temporary...
  • The conversation with Davison (the Nightkin leader in REPCONN). His tone of voice flip flops between goofy, calm and hammy. It’s like if Christopher Walken was mutated.
  • When confronting Philipe, the arrogant chef at the Ultra-Luxe, with a high enough Medicine skill, you can diagnose him as suffering from unresolved Daddy Issues and a Hilariously Abusive Childhood, causing him to run off nearly in tears. Doing this to just anyone could be considered unnecessarily cruel, but as one of only five characters in the base game to have Very Evil karma, the guy clearly deserves it!
  • During the quest Come Fly With Me you're tasked with finding some igniting agent and are directed to Clark Field, a highly irradiated place crawling with geckos. There you'll find a dead man in a radiation suit named Mr. RADical. His journal and Old Lady Gibson tell you everything you need to know about him: he found a radiation suit and decided for no real reason to test it out by going to irradiated places. Happy with the results, he then went to Old Lady Gibson's shack, where he bought some of the highly radioactive igniting agent with the intent of dumping it on himself. Unfortunately for him he was, presumably, killed by the geckos before he could do that. And he was probably starting to suffer radiation sickness.
  • The document Mr. House asks you to present to General Oliver after the Second Battle of Hoover Dam, in which he proclaims the existence of the "Free Economic Zone of New Vegas." It's a hilariously Sophisticated as Hell mix of overt threats against the NCR's military presence, condescending exposition of what certain terms (like "overwhelming force") mean... and a sales pitch for New Vegas's entertainment services and Hoover Dam's water and electricity.
    "The NCR Council's Office of Budget will receive invoices bi-weekly. Prices are subject to change without notice."
  • Sassing General Oliver during the "independent Vegas" finale. He tries to invoke Reality Ensues on the Courier aspiring to be a nation-builder, but...
    Oliver: Do you seriously think you have what it takes to build a nation? Carve out a frontier, train troops, build roads, and create towns?
    Courier: My sycophant tells me "Yes"./Can't do a worse job than the Republic, that's for sure.
  • At some moments, the player has the option of using their name in speech boxes, like when you're stopped by the NCR while approaching Nelson. In this case, you introduce yourself by name to convince them to let you through. The default name gives the usual "Some people call me Courier." A less appropriate name may make it comical instead.
  • When you enter Nipton, you run into Oliver Swanick, the extremely over-eager "winner" of Vulpes' Lottery of Doom, and thus the only one who walked away unharmed. If you follow him after this, you'll see that, despite being completely unarmed, he immediately runs directly into a Radscorpion nest or a Jackal hideout, trying to flee from danger, but always coming back if he survives.
  • The Codac R9000 (which is a camera) is coded as a weapon, so taking a photo near an NPC will cause them to react like you just fired a gun.
  • Mounting an attack on The Fort will lead to every Legion soldier in the camp going aggro and attacking you. The only exceptions to this rule are children, slaves, one neutral trader... and a Veteran Legionary behind Caesar's tent, near the weather station, who will continue to do push-ups until you kill him. May be a bug, but either way, it's hilarious.
  • Speaking of The Fort, there's a minor one that happens during one of your earlier meetings with Caesar (or one of the final ones if you plan on betraying him). After you thank him for allowing you to decide how Benny dies he tells to "Consider it the first of many bestowments." This isn't very funny in and of itself, but if you look at the dialogue notes, you'll find that the actor was told to put a slight emphasis on "bestowments", stating that Caesar know he's using a fancy word. There's something pretty chuckle-worthy about Caesar consciously choosing his vocabulary based on what he thinks makes him sound smart.
  • Whenever you fight a Mister Handy. Their fussy, overworked British butler voices, sounding robotic in the way they do, makes just about anything they say while pissed off hilarious. Helps that what they say is at least a bit amusing on its own.
    By God, if I had hands, I would strangle the life out of you!
    And who gets to clean up all this blood? Me, that's who!
    Have at thee!
    *After getting fatally shot/beaten/exploded:* Oh, honestly!''
  • A small Good Bad Bug that makes it so that, whenever you arrive at a new location, whatever corpses, complete or otherwise, spawn in their location standing upright, and then crumple/ fall onto the ground. It's always worth a small chuckle to fast-travel somewhere and see little bits of red belonging to some poor schmuck you can't remember topple like a Lego tower. Or when you kill Benny in his sleep by way of Black Widow, and, after the cutscene ends, you see the corpse just flopping onto the bed from a standing position, about a full foot above the bed. Makes you wonder just how your Courier killed him. It can be a little less funny when you're travelling around the Sierra Madre villa and see the corpse of a Ghost Person flop around, as if tearing off its limbs wasn't enough either.
  • Some of the lines you can say right after rescuing Raul (but not necessarily recruiting him) are hilarious because they're so uncharacteristically casual.
    Courier: I'm sure you'll be fine, mi amigo.
    • Trying to quiz him about his past during his early time with you results in some hilarious snark.
    Raul: My name is Raul Alfonso Tejada.
    Courier: Then why does your jumpsuit say 'Miguel'?
  • The fact that Legate Lanius, the most brutal and savage legion member, is also the most eloquent.
  • Cut content included dialogues with the Fiend leaders. They're every bit morbid and crazy as they sound. Cook-Cook, for example, came off as a fast talking Large Ham that verged into Black Comedy Rape territory.
    Cook-Cook: NCR? Bunch of soft little bitches, they've got no stomach for life in the wasteland. Got some choice strange, though, I'll give 'em that. Heh heh... yeah. I'll give 'em that all right.
  • Offering one of your companions to be killed and served as a meal to the White Gloves is a pretty huge Kick the Dog. However, if you offer up Cass, the evil chef Philipe will note to himself to skip the whiskey basting.
  • Veronica enters the Hidden Valley Brotherhood of Steel base:
    Veronica: Hi, I'd like a large Atomic Shake and a double Brahmin burger. And easy on the agave sauce this time.
    Intercom: We gave you a password, Veronica. It's for your safety.
    Veronica: I know where you live, Ramos. Open up.
    Intercom: *sigh* For Pete's sake. Opening up. Welcome back, Veronica.
    • You can kill Ramos with Veronica present and she may say "Looking sharp, Ramos" even as he dies from the horrific wounds you (or maybe herself) have inflicted on him. Although that sort of behavior is par for the course for her; if the Brotherhood is hostile towards you, she can nonchalantly help you kill several members before deciding to leave you because the Brotherhood's enemies are her enemies too.
  • If you drug the White Glove Society wine, everyone who drinks it falls asleep. You can take their items, apparel included, as if they were dead, and without any repercussions too. Wait until they wake up and watch the oh-so-fancy Marjorie walk around in her underwear acting like nothing happened.
  • One of Mr. New Vegas's news reports:
    "Rumors persist about a Super Mutant refuge nestled high in a ski lodge to the Northwest. If you should find it, do not — repeat, do not — belittle a Super Mutant for taking the bunny slope."
  • In one of the bungalows in Jacobstown, you can find a skeleton lying on the floor in an overturned chair next a long-abandoned poker game. The skeleton's hand? Five kings of diamonds. Apparently someone tried to cheat in the most blatant way possible and things got heated between the two players.
  • If you have Raul with you when you first visit Jacobstown, you'll find that he hasn't quite gotten over his time at Black Mountain.
    Raul: Just putting this out there, boss, but if these Super Mutants kidnap us, and force us to fix toasters for a living, it's on you.
  • The "Fiery Purgative" item cures poison, removes 50 rads, and gives you a temporary Endurance penalty. One of its ingredients is jalapeno peppers. The implication here is that it purges your body of the poison and rads by making you crap them out. As for the Endurance penalty, well, just go eat a whole bunch of hot peppers and then see how your asshole feels after using the bathroom.
  • What you might see during your first five minutes in the game. Doc Mitchell's head detatched and spinning around. (Obviously, this has already been patched).
    • Look at the date of the video, then look at when New Vegas was released. This was actually someone's first experience with New Vegas.
  • When you go to unplug Mr. House, he asks you why you're doing it. The dialogue options contain all the quest-related reasons possible (Caesar asked you to do it, the NCR asked you to do it, you're doing it so you can use Yes Man to take over his technology), but you can also simply say: "Because I don't like you." Choosing this makes House go nuts.
    House: let...personalities...derail future...of mankind? Stupid!
  • ED-E's portion of the epilogue sequence... as told by ED-E himself.
    ED-E: Beep boop buzz beep.
    • Both Rex and Roxie in the Old World Blues DLC do it too.
  • Once you have found 50 Sunset Sarsaparilla star bottle caps, you will be granted access to the Sunset Sarsaparilla Headquarters' vault room to claim your reward. You find out that the legendary "treasure" is actually a bunch of completely worthless toy deputy badges. You will also find the dead body of Allen Marks, a star bottlecap hunter who killed many people in order to claim their star caps, suffocated to death after finding out what the treasure really was and accidentally locking himself in the storeroom... But he still took the time to pin one of those badges on his leather armor! It's hard not to at least grin when seeing the corpse of a mass-murderer who suffocated in an airtight locked room while filled with despair and guilt, wearing that little "Sunset Sarsaparilla Deputy" plastic star on his chest.
  • The Courier takes a sip from the trusty Vault 13 canteen every five minutes. It's somewhat funny seeing the Courier casually drinking from the canteen during the most inappropriate moments. For example, when you first encounter Vulpes Inculta and he explains in details what they did to Nipton and why, during Vault 11's "Happy Trails" slides and during the game credits. Or while swimming.
  • Max, a kid in Freeside, can be seen running around the streets with a toy laser gun and pretending to shoot it at another kid. Once you buy the gun, you find out that the gun was... a targeting device for Archimedes II, an orbital laser satellite. The fact that a kid ended up with a weapon capable of razing New Vegas to the ground several times over and spent all day recklessly firing it around thinking it was a toy is a Crowning Moment of Black Comedy.
    • Having Veronica in your party the first time you fire it gives you this cherry on top:
    Veronica: It's a good thing the safety was on.
  • Caesar, as he puts it, brought the torch of knowledge to the tribes. Just more literally than the Followers intended.

Dead Money
  • The Credits Gag if you have Wild Wasteland can be rather amusing:
    • Voice directing is provided by Sam "Riegal Sam" Riegel
    • Most of the time the words "Dead Money" are replaced with "Dead Monkey".
  • Dead Money is not exactly humor-oriented, but it has its moments:
    Dog: (while eating a Ghost Person, if you have the Wild Wasteland trait) OM NOM NOM
  • Talking to Dean Domino with low Intelligence.
    Dean: Great, a moron. Just what I need. Look - that seat you're sitting in - it's a bomb. Go boom. So let's keep this sweet and polite, and finish our conversation with no misunderstandings.
    Dumb Courier: Misund...? Umm.
    Dean: Christ, if that collar blows, I don't know if you'd know the difference. You'd probably still keep walking around with that dumb, blank look.
  • This exchange with Christine where she tries to explain what she was doing there in the first place. Problem is, she can't speak at that point due to having her vocal cords cut out. Then you can say this:
    Courier: This charades shit is driving me crazy.
    Christine: [She frowns and raises her middle finger.]
  • When talking to Christine, at one point she asks the Courier to look at the Pip-Boy. Your possible response (paraphrased):
    Hell no, I had to get shot twice in the head to get this thing!
    • You can ask Christine what kinds of weapons she's good with. It turns out she's good with all of them. After she is finished miming every single type of weapon in the game you are given the option to respond with a sarcastic "Oh, is that all? I guess it'll have to do."
  • There are warning signs strewn throughout the various parts of the Villa and the Casino, and one darkly humorous one is a "tripping hazard" sign depicting a stick man taking a hilarious faceplant. Given the rickety nature of the construction in the Villa and its history, this edges into Black Comedy.
  • After leaving the Sierra Madre:
    Vera's Broadcast: We hope you've enjoyed your stay.
  • In a bit of Gameplay and Story Segregation mixed with Fridge Logic, when you're first gassed to be taken to the Sierra Madre, you can see any followers you have standing over your unconscious body. They apparently saw you get gassed and then shrugged before going back home and left you to be carried off by the crazy Nightkin God/Dog.

Honest Hearts

  • The start of the DLC is meant to be dramatic with the caravan you traveled with being massacred in front of your eyes. However the way it plays out like a textbook example of such a scene complete with people getting killed mid-sentence and during badass boasts makes it quite funny in a dark way. Even better, everyone dies regardless of your actions, so you can just stand there clueless until everything is over.
  • On the topic of Painting the Medium:
    Jed Masterson: I don't want any talk about, "Oh, Mr. Masterson, I left my one-of-a-kind Plasma Cannon back at base, can I go back and get it?".
  • And a female Courier when faced with propositioning from Ricky:
    Ricky: (mentions his glow-in-the-dark radioactive third testicle and then propositions the Courier)
    [Black Widow] I'll be sure to bring tweezers and a microscope.
    [Guns] Great - It'll help my aim in the dark.
  • The conversation with Ricky. All of it.
  • You can get Joshua Graham as a companion. He doesn't have his own melee weapon, so instead he uses... Joshua's Pistol Whippin' .45.
  • Likewise, if you ask him to wait, open his inventory, or talk he flatly refuses with the companion wheel even leaving the screen—especially funny if you had gotten used to using other companions as living pack mules.
  • When you get the unique Yao Guai Gauntlet after tripping out on datura:
    White Bird: Here, take. Gift, to remind you of visions. Use well. Or sell to curio trader. Either way, says much about you.
  • Another one from White Bird, if you happen to have Wild Wasteland on.
    White Bird: Hola, outsider. Welcome, child of omens. You come to receive visions of truth?
    Courier: What? I don't know what "visions of truth" means.
    White Bird: Take drugs! Kill a bear!
  • At the end of the storyline, Joshua Graham holds Salt-Upon-Wounds at gunpoint, and Salt-Upon-Wounds begs you to talk him down. You're given two dialogue options, but with the Sneering Imperialist perk, you have a third bonus option: "Joshua, put a cap in General Gobbledigook here."

Old World Blues

  • "You will never survive my deadly robo-scorpions, my technological terrors and uh... my bigger, more atomic versions of these things! Uhhh... Good-bye!"
  • When the Think-Tank first encounters the Courier, Dr. Klein mistakes the fingers and toes for penises.
    After the Courier gives him the finger (failed speech check): GREAT. NOW THE PENIS ON ITS HAND IS ACHIEVING ERECTION.
  • Hell, pretty much the entire opening conversation with the Think Tank, most especially how they "charge" the sonic emitter.
  • Also if the Courier convinces the Think Tank to give him/her a traditional gun, Dala mentions it'd be like chasing hemlock with abraxo. Klein comments, "Well if we're going to bring the Socratic method into the discussion..."
  • And the gun they give you, the K9000 Cyberdog Gun, is Ugly Cute and Living Weapon at its finest. Klein mentions that he's always afraid it'll hump his chassis.
  • The Think Tank in general. The leader is a Large Ham with a booming announcer-style voice; there's a Dr. Venture Expy with low self-esteem; a Hot Scientist with a sultry voice and a thing for humans; a tattletale Teacher's Pet, Communist-obsessed victim of childhood bullying; and an unintelligible brain that has a thing for sound-based items. Every line out of any or all of them is pure gold.
  • Pretty much the entire conversation with your brain. Of note:
    Courier: [Cherchez La Femme/Confirmed Bachelor] Come on, you're my brain and I'm your body. This is meant to be, baby!
    Your Brain: Are you... Are you coming on to me?! Sweet lord, I don't even have the words for how repugnantly wrong that is!
  • There's also a low Intelligence courier trying to converse with their brain (who's apparently smarter thanks to reading and ground mentats). You can ask your brain if your heart and spine can speak as well:
    Your Brain: Very well, let me put this into terms you'll understand. Brain: smart. Heart: stupid. Spine: very stupid. You: exceptionally stupid.
  • With Wild Wasteland, while wandering around the cyber-dog testing facility, you go by a window into a room... of five cyber-dogs playing poker.
  • The Omnicidal Maniac toaster.
    Toaster: A toaster is just a death ray with a smaller power supply! As soon as I figure out how to tap into the main reactors, I will burn the world!
  • In that vein, everything after you inform the Toaster that the world already burned. In nuclear fire. He's quite put off his game by the disappointment, but quickly recovers and declares that he'll bathe the world in nuclear fire again.
  • Again with Wild Wasteland, you can come across seven garden gnomes with pickaxes near a grave. Sadly, the grave doesn't contain an apple.
  • One of the endings has this, if you finish with good karma:
    The Toaster continued its psychotic spree, reducing all appliances in range to scrap electronics and spare parts. After one of its more psychotic episodes, however, the other Sink personalities decided enough was enough, and dumped the Toaster in a bathtub. Sparking and hissing, the Toaster swore its enemies would rue the day when they had bread - and no way to toast it.
  • The Courier still drinks from their canteen. Even when their brain dies.
  • The Courier has this to say of the Big MT.
    This crater looks like it's been tag-teamed by giant fuckbots.
    • This is a hilarious case of Throw It In!, as apparently, this is how Chris Avellone actually described the Big Empty in design meetings and all the other writers thought the description was too damn funny to not get put in the game.
  • Muggy in his entirety.
    Courier: I'd like to talk about a different subject.
    Muggy: Is the new subject mugs?
  • And this:
    While you were out, I spent six hours trying to reach a coffee cup on a shelf. When I finally got it down, I was so happy, I cried. I hate my life.
    [sing-song] Mugs mugs mugs! Mugs mugs mugs! Mug-a-mug, mug-a-mug, mugs mugs GOD, WHY CAN'T I STOP SINGING THIS FUCKING SONG!?
    Do you know how many coffee cups giant robot brains in jars use on a daily basis? Not fucking many!
  • The ending for Muggy if the Courier fails to find Higgs Village:
    Muggy continued to collect coffee cups until his wheel got a flat just out of reach of a dirty coffee cup, and his tiny robotic brain exploded.
  • Dr. Klein on the intercom, made all the funnier by his stuck voice module:
  • The topic of "sonjaculating".
    Doctor 0: Ding... Turkey's done.
    • Oddly enough, checking the .txt file for Dr. 8's lines makes it even funnier, as many lines have what's basically their translation. If you ask him about this little moment?
      Dr. 8: *translated* "Um... a little embarrassed about this, but yes, I creamed hard into your gun."
  • You can also ask Doctor 8 to help you sonjaculate. He'll give you Duct Tape, Cram, and a comic book about a cat burglar, if you're a man. If you're a woman, you get energy cells (which "vibrate" for an hour) and a comic book about knights in shining armor.
  • The conversation between Doctor 0 and Doctor Klein if 0 is on your side and "changed" his name to 0. He states his name proudly as "zero, with a slash through it" (to differentiate between the number and the letter O, which Klein called him). Klein's reaction of sheer awe to the slash's genius is priceless. Not to mention when 0 accuses Klein of plagiarizing from the Chinese —
    • Amusing in and of itself, merely being able to think up the "put a slash through the zero" solution requires an Intelligence check of 9, and both Doctor 0 and Klein think it's absolutely genius. Doctor 0's reaction to the idea is a Flat "What", as if he's dumbfounded at the simple solution you've proposed.
  • And while we're on the Klein vs. 0 rivalry, there are these lines:
    You always do this, Klein! You're always yelling, my receptors can't take it anymore... [Voice breaking] AND NEITHER CAN MY FEELINGS!
    You know what, Klein? Stick a straw in your tank and suck yourself. Long and deep.
  • You can tell Klein that you've heard Big MT referred to as the "Big Empty". His response:
  • Dr. Borous' lines during the "High School Horror" quest are fantastic. Especially the ones revealing his traumatic memories of Richie Marcus.
    This is the pre-recorded voice of your pre-recorded principal!
    Down at the end of the hall is ball storage. For jocks who like balls, like Richie Marcus. Do you hear me, Betsy? Richie likes balls.
  • Dr. 0 may be an unapologetic Actor Allusion to Dr. Venture, but it's just so wonderful.
    Dr. 0: Lobotomites! Please remember to wash the walking eye!
  • Read the varying messages left on consoles for added fun. From the X-8 facility:
    So, at Dr. Richardson's request, we opened one of those kennels from our latest shipment. The "dog" inside (and I use that term very loosely) appeared to be suffering from a truly horrendous case of mange, and upon being released it immediately attacked, killed, and attempted to swallow whole Specialist Akers. Luckily, the situation has, for now at least, contained itself, as SPC Akers was a very large man and the creature has choked to death.
  • The darkest of dark humor, but the sheer over-the-top-ness of the SCIENCE! Borous applied to his own pet dog, while still treating him as his pet, doing things like speaking fondly about how he used to chem him up on Psycho like they're fond memories of his school years. This culminates when you finally see Gabe, with Borous telling him "Shh, down boy! Don't bite the visitor!" among other typical pet-owner phrases. Cue this gigantic biomechanical monstrosity of a dog bearing down on you. Also, he's nuke-powered, as you handily find out if you end up having to put him down, and don't escape in time before the meltdown. There go your stimpaks.
  • You can find a skeleton with a large unexploded artillery shell between their legs. Critical groin attack, indeed.
  • Many of The Sink's inhabitants get great lines. Especially Muggy and The Toaster.
  • The final battle, if you fail to convince Klein not to try expanding the Think Tank's research to the Mojave Wasteland. As you fight the Think Tank it becomes clear as day that, surprise, they have no idea what they're doing. Upon initiating the battle, Klein orders the Think Tank to engage you in combat. Cue everyone in the building fleeing in a different direction. Odds are they each and all assumed the others would distract the Courier and intended to salvage research data or personal belongings in the chaos.
  • The peaceful resolution requires either getting three of the other doctors to like you, or skill checks to convince Klein that Mobius has put his brain inside your body. When they dismiss that as impossible, you will counter that by saying nothing is impossible for SCIENCE!

Lonesome Road


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