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Funny / FTL: Faster Than Light

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  • How do Rock crew members put out fires and repair damaged systems? By jumping up and down on the fire and then smacking the system with their bare fists! Somehow, stomping on a fire is more effective than fire suppressant.
  • "Send the crew to help immediately! Giant alien spiders are no joke."
  • One event while in the Slug nebula is facing off with "the dreaded pirate, Captain Nights." He then asks you if you've heard of him, if his name strikes fear in your heart. Your response? "No." Just "No."
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  • If your crew dies during the Tutorial level (really, it is impossible to die in the tutorial unless you actually try), the game sarcastically replies "Somehow you've died during the introduction training exercise. Feel free to try again but this doesn't bode well for your mission."
  • Sometimes you'll find Auto-Scouts in the asteroid field...equipped with no shields. If you have enough shielding (and Defense drones if they have missile launchers) to render their weapons useless, you can pretty much sit back and laugh while the Auto-Scout explodes without any effort on your part. With enough shielding and evasion, it's possible to win without taking any damage.
    • Similarly, it is possible to encounter a ship with only beam weapons (often a Rebel Rigger with a Beam Drone and a minimum-damage beam weapon) when you have enough shielding to block the beams. Even if you decide to leave the game running overnight, they'll still be trying to pierce your defenses instead of just escaping an unwinnable fight. Which leads to your crew using the harmless ship as an opportunity for a casual training exercise.
  • "Holy crap! A weapon is just floating in space!"
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  • Someone has attempted a Mantis B run with an all-Engi crew. Yes, that includes the boarding party. Guess which side wins? Not the Rebels.
    And it was on that day that the Alliance accepted that brave, terrifyingly bloodthirsty crew of Engi into their midst, probably because they didn't want to get assimilated.
    Even today, that crew of Engi have eyes like no other. Deep inside, these Engi burn bright red, betraying the one emotion they did manage to develop...hate.
  • Events where your crew die are not funny... unless you have the cloning bay, in which case they learn a valuable lesson.
    "You accept their apology and decide it's better not to mention that your Clone Bay is in the process of reviving the lost crewmember."
    • One event has you trying to save a science vessel that's burning out of control. If one of your crewmates gets killed, his clone "stumbles out the the clone bay with a new-found respect for flames", like he just got burned by a hot stove or an errant firework, not dying a horrible burning death.
    • Another event (the one where you can either save an Engi or a drone schematic from an exploding ship) has one crewmember valiantly sacrifice his life to save the Engi... only for said crewmember to swagger out of the Clone Bay soon after. It's easy to be brave when death isn't actually permanent, eh, crewmember?
    • If one of your crew members fails to defuse a space mine, they get blasted off towards the sun... only to later stumble out of the clone bay, looking sheepish and apologetic as if they'd just been caught doing something embarrassing, not exploded by a mine. note 
  • One event has a ship of Slugs ask for your help in fixing their oxygen generation unit. Normally, you get the option of either helping them or ignoring them, and if you help them, then you usually wind up being boarded or losing a crew member. However, if you have a Mantis crew, you get a special choice that results in: "Once on board, it becomes clear that nothing is wrong with their O2 system. Almost expecting this, your Mantis calmly responds to the trap. Once a couple of the Slugs have been spread across the walls of their ship, the rest surrender."
  • In Abandoned Sectors, the newly discovered Lanius are taking apart the debris fields. One of their surrender texts states that they use their limited knowledge of human culture to convey their meaning. As in, they wave White Flags around Looney Tunes style.
    • Another good lanius surrender: "You receive a one word message from the enemy ship, "Surrender". You assume they are asking to surrender rather than demanding your surrender."
  • Penny Arcade's comic. You've done this, don't lie!
  • Those times when enemy slavers teleport on to your ship... only to be ripped apart by your maxed-combat-training Mantises. You almost feel bad for them.
  • "FTL: Free Throws & Layups", a mashup of "Space Jam", "Milkyway (Battle)", and "Cosmos (Battle)". Ben Prunty himself liked it.
    Welcome to FTL! Your ship is the last hope of the International Basketball Federation. Recruit players, upgrade your court, and win space jams to defeat the Rebels before it's too late.
  • The Federation Cruiser Type C layout. It comes with two Zoltans, a human, and a Mantis, as well as a level 2 clonebay and a teleporter, but no weapons or drones. How do you fight? Teleport the Zoltans over to the enemy, have them fight until they explode, then clone them and send the clones. It even mentions this in the ship description. "...only the most suicidal infantry chooses to fly on this ship."
  • The Engi equivalent of The Talk happens when you see two Engi ships smashed together, spouting comm signals and debris, and you can't tell what's happening. Your Engi crewmember refuses to assess the ships for damage and embarrassedly tells you why. After the explanation, you pick up scrap surrounding the ships, but you feel dirty for doing so.
    In a halting use of adjectives and nouns, followed by some animated holographic aids, the Engi explains that the ships are...using each other to, loosely translated, "achieve a union". For some reason, this consolidation of ship matter sounds embarrassing and personal.
    • The filename of this event is ENGI_SEX.
  • In the Engi virus event, an Engi ship is ready to fire on yours because there's a computer virus aboard. If you have a Lanius crew member, you'll notice it gesturing frantically. That in itself is pretty amusing, since one may not expect a monstrous, metal-eating, oxygen-draining, walking Iron Throne to hop around trying to get attention. The Lanius knows which computer on your ship holds the virus and simply eats the terminal to destroy the virus.
    • Alternatively, with a low-level Hacking module, this can happen:
    It takes some time, and the virus is slippery, but you eventually confine it to a useless sub-system prison where it frantically begins calculating insults at you. You eject the system from the ship and then silence the little binary criminal with your weapons.
  • You can "activate your advanced weapons threateningly" at a smuggler to make him surrender and give you stuff, and you can "remain silent but power up your weapons" at a snippy merchant to make him pay full price. Carry a big stick indeed.
  • You can encounter a space station that's currently having trouble containing a fire. If you send in a Rockman or a Repair Drone, you can put out the fire, no problem, and the station will even give you an augment for it after explaining that its automated fire suppressor went haywire. Guess what augment you can get from this event if you have the Advanced Edition content enabled? Fire Suppression.
  • There's one random event where a mining colony will ask if you have any extra explosives. If your ship has a missile weapon equipped, you can offer to launch one into their mine. Their response:
    "While I appreciate your enthusiasm, we have certain protocols for the use of explosives around the workplace. Launching a military grade weapon into our mines isn't exactly what I'd call 'union-friendly'."
  • If the enemy ship is on fire when you defeat it by way of killing all crew or making them surrender, it's possible that the system damage that the fire causes can finish off the ship, resulting in the sudden, amusing sight of the ship exploding while you're just doing post-battle repairs.
  • If you have upgraded doors, and the enemy is dumb enough to teleport a boarding party into the airlock, you can open the airlock doors. You can sit back and laugh while they attempt to bash the doors open as they slowly choke to death.
  • During one of the Lanius events, they will offer to sell you something, the text mentioning they seem to have an advanced translator due to their better than Lanius average grasp of the Common Language. You can choose to accept their deal, decline outright, or alternatively, decline the offer, but ask about their translator, which they offer to sell to you. One would expect an Augment that opens Blue Options with the Lanius. What do you get? A Lanius crewmember whose name is Translator.
  • In Zoltan sectors, you can encounter a Zoltan Space Police chasing a Mantis ship through an asteroid field. If you decide to help the Mantis by fighting the Zoltan ship, they will be so grateful they will take "only" three-fourths of the loot. The narration can only snark by saying "how civilized" they are.


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