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Funny / Eddie Izzard

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  • Long story short, a riff on mice turns into a tribute to The Italian Job.
  • YOU. Cake or death?
  • "We stole countries; that's what you do, that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" And they're going "You can't claim us, we LIVE here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a FLAG?"
  • Related to the above "Cake or Death" skit: "The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with the Church of England." "Talk, will you, talk!" "But it hurts!" "Oh, well loosen it up a bit..."
  • The Death Star canteen skit.
    • "That's Jeff Vader that is."
    • "Well, you still need a tray."
    • "You're Mister Stevens!"
    • "This is not a game of WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
    • The RETURN of the Death Star Canteen skit. "It's a bit of a saga now."
  • The bit on Risk, as Hitler would have known not to invade Russia if he'd ever played it. "Get all the purples, get everyone on Papua New Guinea, and then just build up, build up, build up."
    • "And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for FUCK-ALL!"
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    • And the knowledge that Hitler was a vegetarian painter prompts this... interesting observation:
      Hitler: [mimes trying to paint something] Can't get the fucking trees... DAMN! I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!
  • I was dead at the time! I... I was on the moon.
    • With Steve.
      • "I haven't even accused you of anything yet!"
      • "Did you brush your teeth?" "No! Yes! What's correct?"
  • Basically all of his "horror movies" bit. Watch it here.
    • Especially:
    So of course, vampires can be driven away with a cross, so we're all wondering: do fingers work? "I am going to suck your blood!!!!" "Nooo, fingers."
  • Room with a View of HELL! Staircase of SATAN! Pond of DEATH."
    Male Gangster Voice: ''You fuck my wife?! You fuck my wife?! You fuck my wife?!"
    Almost Identical Voice:"I AM your wife!"
    Male Gangster: It dudn't mattah, I say again, DID you FUCK my WIFE?
    Male Gangster's Wife: ...Alright, yes, I fucked your wife! I AM your wife and I FUCKED your wife!
  • "Would you like to come in for coffee?", that then gets repeated in French and then it's just hilarious.
  • [sing-song] If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid.
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  • Cool, cool, hip and groovy, looking like a dickhead...
  • The mentions of Scrabble and jam.
    • "93 letters, 'chiropractor.'"
  • "In the Christian faith, God created Adam in his own image. So that was good. But, 65 million years before that, God created the dinosaurs. Using the image of his cousin, Ted."
    • "Ted was not the Black Sheep of the family, he was the huge fucking monster of the family..."
  • The opening of the Dress to Kill DVD, telling of how the people on the tram are prisoners on their way to Alcatraz.
    Freddy Dingo there, a few wise words from him.
  • His imitation of the British fighting World War II before the Americans came along. Like so:
    Get the tanks out, get the — we haven't got any tanks, then get that ice cream van out there. Get that out there... [points] Kill! Oh, fuck it — [mimes making and throwing ice cream cones] ...fuck off... everything! Just throw everything at them! Just... that's not... harder! Orange fruities — Zooms! Throw the Zooms! Fuck off, you bastards... pots and pans, get pots — just throw the pots and pans at them!
  • His bit on Wikipedia, from his Stripped tour. "Run by Mr. and Mrs. Wikipedia... who live in a toilet somewhere, I think, they have no money..."
  • The bit on "Definite Article", recorded live at the Shaftesbury Theater, where he goes off on a tangent about the TV show "Renegade" — more specifically, when he interacted with an audience member while struggling to remember the name of the show, and said audience member yelled out "Izzog Man" as the probable name of the show.
    • The other bit off "Definite Article" about shopping at supermarkets, from the benefits of hand baskets vs. trolleys to what 85-year-old women typically get there.
  • "The First Battalion Transvestite Brigade! Airborne wing!"
  • At British Comedy Awards 2013, he came to the stage to read the nominations for Best TV Comedy Actor. Before reading the nominations, he starts talking about how the winner is the funniest person in the world and literally a god, and then says that he doesn't know who the winner is and that he hopes that the winner is actually good because otherwise, Eddie will look stupid.
  • "'Ere! Jammy Dodgers!?" [SFX] MEERRRRR... POFF! "And we hit a mountain. And I died."
    • For context, the pilot of the tiny plane Eddie was riding in snagged all the good complimentary cookies for himself, leaving the passengers with crappy digestive biscuits, and threatened to crash the plane if anyone complained.
  • His bit on the Latin language, but especially this: "Quod. The. Fuck."
    • Immediately afterwards:
    Latin Soldier 1: Front partus elephantine maximum squirrel, upside downus, back to frontus. Back partus, biggus piggus ever seenus.
    Latin Soldier 2: Fuckus duckus.
    Latin Soldier 1: Motherfuckus.
    Latin Soldier 2: Run, motherfuckus!
  • The whole Christmas routine, but especially this line.
    Eddie: So Baby (Jesus) was there, and then he grew up, grew older, and died. Uh... shortest version of that story, isn't it?
  • Jesus and the Apostles posing at the Last Supper so Leonardo da Vinci can paint the picture.
    Apostle 1: Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?
    Jesus: I dunno, I just thought I'd do a big arms thing...
    Apostle 1: Well I'm gonna do a big arms thing as well.
    Apostle 2: Yes me too, I quite like the big arms.
    Jesus: Look we can't all do big arms! We'd look like a squadron of Spitfires... Look, I'll do big arms, and the rest of you just look at me and go "ooh, he's doing big arms," alright?
  • How they came up with the name "Englebert Humperdinck".
    Then his manager said, "Let's change your name, that's the problem." Gerry Dorsey became Engelbert Humperdinck. I wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through.
    "Zingelbert Bembledack!"
    "Yingybert Dambleban."
    "Zangelbert Bingledack."
    "Wengelbert Humptyback."
    "Slut Bunwallah."
    "All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns."
    "Steviebuns Buttritrundle."
    "Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey."
    "No, we can't."
    "Zingelbert Bimbledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwallah, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindelbert Zindeldack."
    "Gerry Dorsey."
    "Engelbert Humptyback, Zangelbert Bingeldack."
    "Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingerbert Wingeldanck..."
    "No, go back one."
  • Welsh Pavlov's Cat Experiments
    • Day One: rang bell, cat fucked off. Oh dear.
    • Day Two: rang bell, cat answered door.
    • Day Three: rang bell, cat said he'd eaten earlier. Cheeky bugger.
    • Day Four: attempted to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries.
    • Day Five: rang bell with new batteries, but cat put paw on bell so it made an odd 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I ate food...
  • Dress to Kill has a couple of brilliant bits of mime. For example, on how to fake your way through the American national anthem when you don't know the lyrics: it's all about looking confident and gesturing wildly.
    Eddie: Keep confirming and denying!
    • Later he revisits the same mime routine to repeatedly, wordlessly confirm and deny the rumor that Engelbert Humperdinck has died.


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