"'The Inquisitor was hilarious.' That is what they'll say one day, you watch."
— Cassandra Pentaghast
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- Among the information released before the game launched was this little gem, which the fandom naturally grabbed and ran away with: There will be a jar of bees, which can be used as a combat item which according to Bioware: "You throw it, the jar breaks open, and little bees fly around stinging your opponents."
Beneath the letter is a drawing of a guard being hit in the face by a jar of bees. Also, a butt.
- An upgrade lets the jar of bees form two swarms. It's called: "And Some Wasps".
- ...Bees. My God.
- And the quest that gives you said jar of bees is also hilarious. Because it's Sera giving the quest.
- The description of the quest is funny because it contrasts with the more straight-laced quest descriptions.
- Deploying the Jar of Bees in battle is just as hilarious. Instead of the Standard Status Effects ("Staggered," "Poisoned," etc) flags, targeted enemies display a single flag combining the Poisoned and Panicked effects: "BEES!"
- Topping all of this off is that the Jar of Bees is arguably the most effective grenade you can get.
- And then comes the Trespasser DLC: Cullen's pet Mabari will run off if you fetch him enough treats. After some offscreen mayhem and panic, it turns out the little fat guy found a giant honeycomb stuck to a mace and now rolls in hundreds of bees. The "Gold and Ebon Queen" is one of the best mauls in the game.
- Also in Trespasser is the new crafting item: the Fade-Touched Honeycomb. Use it to create a weapon with a chance to inflict Bees! with every strike. So now you get the stinging goodness inflicted on your enemies with whatever type of weapon you like.
- The reveal of the Bog Unicorn◊ (on the right).
- If audience reactions to the Live Demo Gameplay is to be believed, Varric's comment on being "outflexed" by his female companions was this.Cassandra: I hope you're prepared, First Enchanter. The Inquisitor has brought us a long way from the Circle.
Vivienne: Rest assured, Seeker. (flicks hand and magic energy appears in palm) I'm never truly out of my element.
Varric: (sigh) Outflexed by the ladies again...
- Sera's battle end quote:Inquisitor: Are you all right?Sera: Yeah! I mean yes. I'm alive. Really. Alive!
- Sera shows us what she thinks of authority figures.Sera: Blah blah blah! Obey me! Arrow in my face.
Sera: Just say "what"!
- Her pre-mortem one liner shortly before.
Self Important Jackass: What is the - (Fatality!)
- Sera (noticing a pattern here?) walking under the fade rift:Sera: Don't look up. Don't look up. Don't look. Aw shit, I looked.
- In her character portrait, Sera's grin bears a slight resemblance to the trollface.
- Sera's Establishing Character Moment during her recruitment quest has get tipped off about the location of the guards' quarters. So she goes in and mucks about with their stuff so they can't respond as effectively. Did she remove their weapons? Nope - she nicked their breeches.
- And looting the container she was standing next to has the item "Too Many Breeches" inside. Well, she does encourage you to sell them!
- Post Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts gives us this Sera scene.
- The fact they have made a War Nug mount. And one of its variations is named the "Deth Nug". Spelling and all.
Stubborn and hardy, the Greater Mountain Nuggalope - or "Deth Nug" - makes a statement, and that statement is "hands."
- When you get the Nug mounts, you get an accompanying note from your horsemaster; the poor man is trying to give a reasonable report on the capabilities of the Inquisition's new mounts, but he can't get over the fact that they have hands. They're tough and unique and will make wonderful mounts and they have hands. Hands.
- Not to mention the names of the nugs themselves: the Greater Mountain Nuggalope (or Deth Nug) mentioned above, the Knuckled Thunderer, the Gwaren Land-Hammer (fairly self-explanatory as breeds go), the Battle Nug (Avvar-harnessed and trained for war. Somehow.), and Tiddles Majoris (powerful, but forever branded by similar coloration to a storied regent's lapnug). One gets the feeling the folks at BioWare were having fun when they came up with these.
- Regular old nugs are not exempt. Varric wins a bet against Dorian over them.Dorian: I had no idea that nugs had such creepy little feet. Stuff of nightmares.
- One of Sera's victory cries:Sera: Bits up, face down!
- A moment of Black Comedy near the beginning, while Roderick and Cassandra are bickering.Inquisitor: So none of you are actually in charge, here.Roderick: (indignantly) You killed everyone who was in charge!
- Your stronghold is under attack... with a goat. Thrown by Movran the Under, the father of an Avvar barbarian who'd picked a fight with you. Josephine and the Inquisitor's delivery sell it:Inquisitor: You answered the death of your clan... with a goat?
Movran: (laughs) A courtroom? Unnecessary! You killed my idiot son, and I answered, as is my custom, by smacking your holdings with goat's blood.
(Inquisitor glances over at Josephine)
Josephine: Don't look at me.
- Keen-eared listeners will also hear a faint ram fart in the cutscene just before impact... though perhaps not until the second playthrough.
- And the best resolution is to exile him and his clan to Tevinter, whom they'd meant to target instead of you. With "all the weapons they can carry." The fact that doing so is also one of the few choices of which all your companions approve is also funny in its own right. Even Dorian slightly approves, presumably on the basis that even he has to admit it's Actually Pretty Funny.
- More than one fan has commented on the fact that they wished that they could add Movran to the inner circle. His only known qualities are that he hates Tevinter, is a Proud Warrior Race Guy, and that he throws goats. It turns out that is enough to make him popular. All from a single short scene in a 100-plus hour game.
- When asked where she comes from, Sera answers "South. North. Wherever I want." One of the Inquisitor's options is, "I can make evasive jokes too."Inquisitor: Oh, you're from Wherever? I'm from North Wherever!
Inquisitor: North Wherever! Oh, we had fun on Street and/or in Local Tavern!
- "Taarsidath-An Haslaam" - approximate translation: "I will bring myself sexual pleasure later, while thinking about this with great respect." The Qunari version of the line gets delivered by Iron Bull while fighting a dragon, something the Inquisitor can incredulously lampshade.
- It takes a special kind of culture to be able to convert a line like that into just six syllables. The Qunari might not be quite as... straitlaced as they appear on the surface.
- Varric has some information regarding the game's Big Bad. Specifically, he has a contact that would like to speak with the Inquisitor. He announces this to the Inquisitor speaking with their advisers. Leliana gives a This Is Gonna Suck Aside Glance and offers this gem:If it's who I think it is, Cassandra is going to kill him.
Cassandra: It had better not be who I think it is, or I will wring that little bastard's neck.Inquisitor: Why? Who do you think it is?Cassandra: Someone Varric claimed he could not contact.
- Speak to Cassandra before meeting Varric, she offers this.
Inquisitor: She's calmed down now. I think you can take your hand off your crossbow.Varric: Define "calmed down" by who or what she is hitting at the moment.
- It is indeed who they think it is: Hawke. And you will later walk in on Cassandra chasing Varric in the tavern, intending to kill him. In subsequent party banter, she apologizes for throwing a table at him.
- After confirming the identity of Varric's contact, Leliana declares that they are never letting Cassandra handle interrogations again.
- Inquisitor, meanwhile, can try and comfort Varric.
- Dorian has... interesting things to say about his homeland.Flying cows over Minrathous, hah! What madness! (beat) All right, so that one's actually true. But the cows didn't have wings.
- Cassandra's and Varric's scenes about his romance novel Swords and Shields. Basically, after being caught reading his book, she insists that you as the Inquisitor could order Varric to finish the series. Varric agrees only on the condition that he get to be there when the Inquisitor gives Cass the book. What follows is perhaps one of the most Adorkable moments in the entire series. Varric considers the whole affair to have been totally Worth It.
Cole: (in passing) She's read this one three times.
- Even funnier is that, based on the cover of the book, the inspiration for the main character was Aveline. Seems Isabela's friend-fiction wound up getting used after all.
- In a subsequent party banter, Varric is still wondering why Cassandra picked the book that he considers to be his worst work, instead of, say, Hard in Hightown. Cassandra replies that she has enough mysteries to solve in her own life.
- In the same party banter, Cassandra reveals that she actually read Varric's Tale of the Champion first and decided to look for more clues on Hawke's whereabouts in his other (fiction) books. That's how she came to read Swords & Shields. Twice. It was for the good of Thedas!
- When you first stumble across Cassandra reading the book, there's an additional bit added if Cole has joined the Inquisition:
Cassandra: You! I told you to stop spying!
Cole: You read it out loud to me. I don't like the captain either.
Cassandra: I never did that!
- It depends on which quest you did and if you recruited Dorian or Cole first, as if you recruited the mages and Dorian first, he's the one to walk past and comment on the book. And by comment, we mean gleefully tell the Inquisitor that Cassandra is reading poor quality smutty literature as casually as if he were commenting on the weather.
- Varric himself considers it more fluff than smut, as the smut market is too cutthroat for him to compete.
- During a quest you encounter a spirit (yes, a spirit, not a demon) of imperiousness and command, who refuses to return to the Fade until something in the material world obeys it. The Inquisitor can offer to fill this role, and the spirit gleefully tells the Inquisitor to kill a rage demon that had harassed it. If you brought Bull along, this happens:Spirit: Do this and you shall be rewarded.
Iron Bull: 'Rewarded' how? By having you crawl into one of our heads?
Spirit: Yours holds nothing of interest.
Iron Bull: Works for me!
Cole: (eagerly) My name is —
- If Solas is in the party, he'll mutter that the spirit might also be of pomposity under his breath.
- If Cole is in the party, you can invite him to try to help the spirit, which gets him shut down in an incongruously petty disdainful tone. Bonus points for the spirit addressing Cole (who is a spirit of compassion) with his "real" name, like a teacher berating a student, and Cole reacting like said berated student.
Spirit: Compassion. Ugh. Did I ask for your name?
Cole: Oh, sorry...
Spirit: What of you? I felt your coming. Is there something alike in us?
- If Sera is in the party, depending on your response, you get this:
Inquisitor: There might be.
Sera: There better not be!
Sera: Hear these two fingers, you... I am not talking to it!
- The Inquisition codex entry on Kirkwall. It's a template from the desk of the provisional Viscount in response to any and all would be conquerors. Since said provisional Viscount happens to be previously-Seneschal Bran, the placeholder comments are gloriously passive-aggressive.
- In the Fade, you fight personifications of various fears. Each character perceives them as something that frightens them personally, but to the player they look like spiders. They are all named after fears, like "Drowning," "Senility," "Failure," etc. Later on one of them is named "Ironically, Spiders".
- Lots of the overheard conversations in the Winter Palace are funny.
Leliana: Everyone needs a hobby.
- Leliana critiques everyone's shoes.
Cullen: I am not bait!
- Cullen attracts the unwanted attention of, by Blackwall's count, "nine women and six men". ("Did you just grab my bottom?!" "I am a weak man.") And while in The War Room afterward, you find out that a number of those courtiers are attempting to court Cullen. Over his protestations, Josephine and Leliana devise ways to use the newfound situation to the Inquisition's advantage:
Leliana: Hush. Just look pretty.
Announcer: Seeker Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Filomena-
- An unnamed Dowager describing the many bizarre deaths of her multiple, multiple husbands (she claimes to still be in mourning for number nine). Perhaps the best is her seventh husband, who poisoned himself by drinking three glasses of aquae lucidius on an empty stomach.note
- Everyone gets fancy introductions to the fete until we reach the odd one out: Sera, who somehow managed to get into the event registered as "Mai Bhalsych of Korse".note
- Cassandra's introduction has the herald reading off her impressive number of middle names until she interrupts him. One gets the feeling that he would have recited at least half a dozen more names if she hadn't stopped him, taking it truly Up to Eleven.note
Cassandra: Get on with it!
Announcer: ...Lord/Lady Inquisitor [insert name and origin]. Vanquisher of the rebel mages of Ferelden, crusher of the vile apostates of the Mage Underground.
- The Inquisitor's introduction, if they sided with the mages:
Varric: (if present) This guy writes better fiction than I do.Announcer: ....Lord/Lady Inquisitor Cadash... or possibly Inquisitor Gavron, Helni, Aeducan, or Paragon Fancy Pants.
- Solas, if brought along, is introduced as the Inquisitor's "elven manservant". Even if the Inquisitor is also an elf. Given the intros Sera and Cadash got away with, this was likely his idea...
- The Bull's Chargers (apart from Krem) are such a mix of Dysfunction Junction and Crazy Awesome that they make Iron Bull seem normal in comparison. To the point:
- One of the Chargers, Dalish, is an elven apostate, who insists that she's an archer, not a mage. The large stick on her back is just a bow. And the glowing crystal on the "bow"? That's for aiming. Old elven trick; you wouldn't understand.
- When talking to Krem later, you can ask about the forces Bull commands.Krem: We've got archers for range, Cutter for flanking, Dalish for ma—more archers...
- This became even funnier after BioWare revealed what each vallaslin pattern represents. Dalish's vallaslin represents Dirthamen, the Keeper of Secrets.
- When talking to Krem later, you can ask about the forces Bull commands.
- Rocky is a dwarf who got kicked out onto the surface because of "noble shit"... before admitting he blew up a chunk of the Shaperate, as well.
- Skinner killed some humans abusing Alienage elves. Now, she gets paid to kill shems.
- Grim talks only in grunts. Bull suspects he's the long-lost heir of a faraway kingdom.
- Stitches is quite nice, though he delivers a brilliant response to Iron Bull complaining about how bad his potion tastes.
- One of the Chargers, Dalish, is an elven apostate, who insists that she's an archer, not a mage. The large stick on her back is just a bow. And the glowing crystal on the "bow"? That's for aiming. Old elven trick; you wouldn't understand.
- Varric brings the Inquisitor into a game of Wicked Grace with several of the companions. At one point, Cullen loses his shirt to Josephine. When the game ends, he beats a very hasty retreat, making it clear that his shirt wasn't all he lost.Cassandra: (turning away) I don't want to have to watch the Commander's walk of shame back to the barracks.Dorian: Well, I do!
Varric: You're never more alive than when you're about to lose your pants, my friend.
- What takes the cake is Cole's utter amazement at seeing the Commander out of uniform. "It comes off! I didn't know it came off!"
- The Inquisitor and the rest of the party are nice enough to turn their backs while Cullen runs away, except the Iron Bull, who passed out from drinking too much. He wakes up just in time to get an eyeful of Cullen's bare arse, and apparently likes what he sees. It's especially funny if the Inquisitor is romancing Bull, given what Cullen does in that case.
- It's also hilarious if the Inquisitor is romancing Cullen himself, since she's the last one to turn around... and it's implied that she doesn't exactly want to.
- After this scene, Sera is seen drunk and under the table, asking if she won.
- Varric thinks the game went rather well:
Varric: Maybe I'll play the revenge angle.
- He'll try to talk Cullen into another game of Wicked Grace:
Cullen: [He] saluted, turned on his heel and marched out like he was in full armor.
- Cullen's story about the Templar recruit walking into a room of "70 mages and 30 Templars" in nothing but his knickers, causing a round of applause from the voyeurs. So, what did the guy do?
Human: Firstly, my aunt is known across the Free Marches for her love of Antivan opera. So, of course when a performance of The Murder of Queen Madrigal opened, she made us all attend...Human: ...My aunt refused to speak to me for three months.—Human Mage: It was the night of my Harrowing. I was standing in the middle of a room full of Templars and Senior Enchanters. As the Knight-Commander read me the chant, I got the nagging feeling something was missing...Human Mage: ...They put me in the Ostwick Circle history book, which the First Enchanter kept under lock and key, and never spoke of it again.—Elf: The clan decided to camp near this ruined fortress. Right on the edge of the Tirashan. Dark as the bottom of a well. The Keeper swore up and down it was safe, but some of the hunters started hearing noises in the middle of the night...Elf: ...They ran out of there, fast as you can think, bare arses shining in the moonlight. The whole way back to their village.—Qunari: So, my kith was hired for a simple caravan escort in southern Nevarra. Twelve days of walking alongside donkeys, and men who smelled like donkeys, across flat nothingness...Qunari: ...Shokrakar turned to the donkey and said "we'll let this go if you will", and walked away.—Dwarf: There was this time the Carta sent me to do some collections. Just pick up the protection money and bring it back by any means necessary. What they forgot to tell me was the first business on that list was this old seamstress...Dwarf: ...She never paid a rusty copper again. And if you mentioned her name to the Deshyr, his ears turned purple.
- The Inquisitor's hilariously unbelievable story. Somehow, whether it takes place in an opera house or during a shakedown for protection money, it involves a rabbit.
- Blackwall later suggests you never, ever play Diamondback with Solas. He taught him the game, and the mage beat the Warden so soundly that he had to run back to his bunk "with nothing but a bucket for [his] bits!"
- That's even funnier once you get to The Stinger. Blackwall was playing cards with The Dread Wolf. Of course he lost. It'd be like playing poker with Loki.
- Sera can invite the Inquisitor along to play pranks on her advisers. She first suggests messing with Cullen's desk somehow, but grumbles that it's too big and heavy to move. If the Inquisitor has already had sex on that same desk with Cullen, she'll add "Yes, it's... sturdy."
- And at the end of the subplot, Josephine, sopping wet, comes to confront the pair - Sera quickly lays the full blame on the Inquisitor and runs off.
- During Sera's max-friendship conversation, if you dispose of the cookies by throwing them off the roof, Sera hits Cassandra and blames the Inquisitor for it.
- If the Hero of Ferelden romanced Morrigan and she stays in Skyhold, you can eventually ask her if she can contact him for you. Her response?Morrigan: He will think this means I miss him, of course. (sighs) He will be insufferably pleased with himself. I hope you appreciate this sacrifice, Inquisitor.
- And upon receiving the note included for her in the letter back, she expresses mild surprise that Leliana hadn't opened it - before noting that the contents would likely have made her blush terribly.
- After the Winter Palace event, assuming you have had to kill Grand Duchess Florianne, you will have the possibility to judge her remains in a smelly wooden box and make an inquisition agent out of her. Again, Josephine's reaction to the entire events sells it, not to mention the Inquisitor's way of phrasing the order of making her an agent.Inquisitor: (Ha! Community service!) I call for rehabilitation! The skull shall do public theater about the evils of evil. I also judge the box: End table for orphans.Josephine: That's... quite enough, Inquisitor. Point taken.
Since we are being barbaric, why not set her head on a pike? That was a joke—do not ask for her head on a pike! (Sighs.) You want her head on a pike.
- Better yet, you get to display her remains. Josephine snarks that the fashion for the event will be pine, Leliana's suggestion of putting them in the beds of upstarts is evil, and then we get Cullen.
Florianne: My heels are... parallel with soil.
- Or, if she lives, you can turn her into your court jester. "With flat shoes." The Troll-ish grin on the Inquisitor's face plus Florianne's Fate Worse than Death reaction really sells it. Interacting with her each time you return to Skyhold results in a new Deadpan Snarker gem.
- The Tavern Notices.
- 'Archery Contest! Saturday! All Challengers welcome*! Sister Leliana to Judge!' The asterisk: 'Except Varric and Bianca'.
- Scout Harding is offering dancing classes. Now picture her teaching Iron Bull.
- There are also a couple of notices posted around Skyhold about meetings of the "Sing-quisition," complete with a postscript stating that the people who have complained about the name are welcome to suggest better alternatives if they can think of any. Because the alternative they thought of was "The Hairy Heralds", which isn't better.
- There's a fun bit with a Qunari Inquisitor and snarky!Hawke.Hawke: Is there a horde of rampaging Qunari I don't know about?
Qunari Inquistor: I am a horde of rampaging Qunari.
- If the Inquisitor is not a Qunari, they instead ask if Iron Bull counts.
- You might encounter interesting books along the way:
- Such as "Plants vs Corpses," which tells the tale of a war between a demon and a mage, with the latter summoning sylvan spirits to her garden patch and the former equipping its minions with buckets for helmets and doors for shields.
- A unique shield you can find is named the "Wedge of Destiny". Apparently created when a scale from a dragon fell to Thedas and came to rest in a dairy farm. Creating a shield that's impervious to harm. And is in the form of a cheese wheel. With straps to hold onto.
- Offscreen, Cullen asks Morrigan if the Eluvian is a threat to Skyhold. She offers to explain how the Eluvian works in "words with less than four syllables." Cullen then pouts at the Inquisitor over being called stupid.Cullen: (petulantly) The Circle had a large library. I'm quite well read.
- It gets funnier when you remember that Cullen is a blond-haired, brown-eyed ex-Templar.note
- Varric's publisher always told him that his books were not popular in Orlais, and therefore not profitable. But if Varric is taken to Halamshiral, he's mobbed by Orlesian nobles asking for autographs. His thoughts on this?I need to have words with my publisher. The first will be 'you,' and the second will be 'bastard.'
- We later get a conversation between him and Vivienne.Vivienne: You know, Varric darling, I read your Hard in Hightown.
Varric: You did!? Seriously?
Vivienne: Most of the imperial court did. It was in fashion a few winters ago.
Varric: Just how much gold is my publisher stealing from me?
- We later get a conversation between him and Vivienne.
- There are some very nice statues of Maferath facepalming in Val Royeaux - with some wonderful graffiti describing them, including "Maferath's Regret (about his unfortunate hair)", "Maferath's Penitence (and unrelated headache)", "Maferath's Bloodguilt (and his head suddenly weighs too much)", and "Maferath's Remorse (on meeting a low doorframe)".
- "Well, shit" seems to be becoming a Catch-Phrase of sorts for BioWare, since it keeps popping up.Inquisitor: The big demon Erimond was trying to bring through?
Inquisitor: It's nearby?
The Inquisitor: Well, shit.
- Similarly, the name of Varric's companion quest? "Well, Shit."
- If you have Varric, Dorian and Cassandra in your group, Dorian will ask about the UST he feels Varric and Cassandra are having. Neither of them are amused.
- One method to take any of the three keeps outside Skyhold for the Inquisition is to literally kick in the front door; after destroying it, you can collect loot from it with the following description:Sad Splinters - The despondent remains of a once proud keep door.
- And you can actually craft from those. The result is hilarious.◊
- To top it off, the schematic is found inside a random cowpat in the wilderness.
- Josephine has a funny Out-of-Character Moment when you first get crowned Inquisitor. All of Skyhold is cheering you on and Josephine gets swept up in the moment and bellows a chant herself. What sells it is Cullen looking bemusedly at her and Josephine trying to cover her face when she realize what she did.
- If you're a human Inquisitor and state that you think Haven's a frozen dump, Josephine outright states that she's so glad someone else said it out loud.
- Just because Cole is The Heart and an immortal being doesn't make his patience infinite.Cassandra: What of Magister Erimond? Do you sense a secret pain in him?
Cole: No. Erimond is an arsehole.
Cassandra: *chuckling* Well said.
- What makes this better is not only that Cole says this in his usual Innocently Insensitive voice, but also the fact that Cole is a spirit of compassion. When the physical manifestation of mercy calls you an asshole, you're a pretty fuckin' big asshole. And Cassandra just chuckles and commends the sentiment.
- Cassandra and Sera have a bonding moment at Therinfal, when you first meet the red Templars:Sera: What was that?
Sera: That's shite!
Cassandra: I know!
- While the party is trapped in the Fade, the nightmare demon will taunt them by digging up their personal fears and failures. This isn't funny, but if Alistair is a Grey Warden, then his response to it most certainly is.Alistair: Is that all you've got? I've heard worse from Morrigan!
- Whilst wandering the Storm Coast, you can come across a Giant fighting a High Dragon. Iron Bull and Sera's reaction?Iron Bull: Oh, that is badass!
Sera: (laughs) Can we stick around and watch?
- While The Reveal may make it tragic, it's definitely Hilarious in Hindsight that every funny moment on this page involving Solas actually involves an ancient elven trickster god. That's right, you made out with the equivalent of Loki and called him out on using tongue.
- If you ask Grey Warden Alistair to tell you about the Fifth Blight, you get this:Alistair: Oh Maker, I'm going to be answering that question for the rest of my life. (sighs) Yes, I was there, the Archdemon was big, the Hero of Ferelden was brave...
- Talking to the Iron Bull, Cole notes that he picked that name himself. Later Cole says the horns aren't bull horns, they're dragon horns, so the Iron Bull could have named himself the Iron Dragon.Bull: Oh! ...Shit. That would have been better.
- While walking around Emprise du Lion with Iron Bull in your party, you come to a huge statue of a naked woman covered in ice.Bull: Hey! Look up, giant titsicles!
- Sera can make the same quip, and if you have Vivienne in your party at the time, she comments dead seriously that those were the height of fashion in the court a few years back. If you have Dorian along as well, it gets even better:Sera: Hey, look up! Icesicle tits! Ice. . . tittles!
Dorian: sigh You're looking for "titsicles."
Sera: Ooh, that is good.
Vivienne: They were quite fashionable a few years ago.
Sera: Wot, really?
- The best part is, you can't tell if Vivienne is putting one over on Sera, or being completely serious. Given she's talking about Orlesian fashion, both are equally probable.
- If you have Bull in your party and come across a giant stone hand in the Exalted Plains, he'll ask, "Anybody need a hand?" and laugh to himself.
- Sera can make the same quip, and if you have Vivienne in your party at the time, she comments dead seriously that those were the height of fashion in the court a few years back. If you have Dorian along as well, it gets even better:
- Snarky Hawke's response on finding themselves physically transported into the FadeHawke: If this is the afterlife, the Chantry owes me an apology. This looks nothing like the Maker's bosom.
- Earlier in the same quest, Hawke voices the complaint a great many players had by the end of the second game.Hawke: Blood mages! It's always blood mages!
- While trapped in the Fade, when Nightmare starts taunting the party, Hawke again speaks for the player.Sarcastic!Hawke: Well, that's going to get tiresome quickly.
Aggressive!Hawke: I look forward to killing this thing.
- Earlier in the same quest, Hawke voices the complaint a great many players had by the end of the second game.
- When the Nightmare taunts Dorian and says "It is Dorian, isn't it? I almost mistook you for your father," Dorian's response is, "Rather uncalled for."
- The close-up of Corypheus's face when the Inquisitor picks up the Orb. Pure Oh, Crap! and This Cannot Be! in a single expression.
- In the Fade, after discovering the true reason the Inquisitor has their mark, if they respond angrily, they snap that all the flashback tells them is that next time they see the Orb glowing they should break it. Guess what happens to the Orb at the end of the game?
- Krem and Iron Bull aren't above poking fun at each other. The results can get pretty funny.Krem: They ever wear shirts in the Qun, chief? Or do they just run around binding their breasts like that?Iron Bull: It's a harness, Krem.Krem: Yes, for your pillowy man-bosoms! Let me know if you need help binding. You could really chisel something out of that overstuffed look.
Iron Bull: Find some way to seal them. You're Tevinter, try blood magic.
- Half the joke on that is that Krem is a trans man, so he probably does have the expertise to pull it off.
- When you first see the chargers in action, assuming you agree to hire them, Bull tells Krem to pack up the gear; they're moving. Krem responds that he's just opened some wine casks.
- A random exchange between Josephine and an Inquisition messenger has her irritably say that, regardless of invitation, the Iron Bull cannot attend an upcoming gathering unless he wears a shirt.Messenger: He said that your request was "an insult to his rich Qunari heritage," Ambassador.
- Apparently, Qunari and shirts have a long history, namely due to the difficulty of putting them on with massive horns. Iron Bull remarks during party banter that there is a phrase in Qunari for being caught by surprise that roughly translates to "running around with clothes stuck in your horns."
- After meeting Flemeth and discovering that she is Mythal, you can tell her what a pleasure it is to finally meet her.Flemeth: (to Morrigan) See, girl? This is what manners look like.
- After the section in the Fade, the Iron Bull needs some help getting over his fear of a very, very big demon. The form this help takes? Cassandra, and a big stick.
- Dagna gets a little... excited over the Inquisitor physically entering the Fade.
- The beginning of Josephine's character quest is very creepy, with Josephine and the Inquisitor meeting the Comte Boisvert who turns out to be an assassin posing as the comte, who calmly explains the assassination contract on Josephine's life. The ending of the quest is... quite different. As they leave the meeting, Josephine and the Inquisitor hear muffled yelling from a nearby cabinet. If you have subtitles on, it's actually subtitled.Inquisitor: Do you hear something?
Comte: (Muffled yelling.)
Josephine: Oh, goodness! Comte Boisvert, is that you?
Comte: (Muffled yelling.)
Josephine: The lock's been broken off! We'll find a saw -
Comte: (Protesting muffled yelling.)
Josephine: I realize the cabinet is quite valuable, Comte, but surely -
Comte: (Protesting muffled yelling.)
Josephine: A... locksmith, then?
Comte: (Affirmative muffled yelling.)
Josephine: As you wish.
Comte: (Pleased muffled yelling.)
- During "In Hushed Whispers", if you brought Varric with you, he will ask the Herald where the hell they've been for the past year. The Herald can respond that they were thrown into the future. Varric's response?
- In Skyhold, you can regularly walk in on Josephine trying to deal with the shenanigans of your companions.Josephine: And what did he do with the last batch of letters?
Assistant: Lord Varric was building a small model boat with them when I left.Josephine: He wants the manuscript sent where?
Assistant: To Kirkwall. The Coterie, in Darktown. The address is a stick figure with a knife in its back.
Josephine: Oh! That's his editor. I'll handle it.Josephine: How? How can one elf eat so much jam?
Assistant: She ran off when we discovered the fingerprints on the davenport.
Josephine: Get a better lock on that door immediately. I'll talk with Sera later.
- Josephine is not the only one who has to deal with your companions' brand of crazy. The real heroes, however, are the assistants running messages back and forth.Cullen: I know Sera was in here. When I find out what she's done I will.... do something back!
Assistant: Of course, sir.
Sera: Tell Cullen (breaks into an impressive Evil Laugh).
Assistant: I'm... not sure I can do the message justice, miss.
Cullen: It's a "peace offering"?
Cullen: Sera used the words "peace offering"?
Assistant: Yes, sir.
Cullen: Someone's helping her.
- Cullen and the assistant in regards to Iron Bull and something involving shields.
- Imshael, the Desire demon who continually insists that he's a Spirit of Choice.
- He offers you a deal: In exchange for money, power, or virgins, you let him walk out alive. If you choose virgins, he says he's all out because everyone picks that (unless you have Cole in your party, in which case he acknowledges he can "find" one but that you'd probably rather pass), and gives you a rune instead.
- If you choose to fight him, he spends the entire fight shouting in an annoyed tone about how this is all completely unnecessary and you could have just taken the deal.
- Naturally, Sera disapproves of you taking his deal... but if you pick virgins, she only slightly disapproves.
- Should you select Leliana as the new Divine, a slide from the epilogue shows Schmooples just chilling there◊.
- In Trespasser you will get a letter from her where you learn that she evaluates potential staff by seeing how they react to a roomful of baby nugs.
- She doesn't bring the nugs to Skyhold, but there's a letter in the rookery from their caretaker, who's just gotten the little ones housebroken and got a captured spy to spill his guts by threatening him with a hungry Schmooples II.
- Keep in mind that by the time the Inquisitor says this possible dialogue option (regarding the assassin specialization) to Dorian, you easily could have unlocked the "Killed 2500 enemies" achievement.Inquisitor: I don't kill that many people...Dorian: Are you joking? I'm only surprised you didn't kill someone walking over here.
- For the icing on the cake, one of Dorian's stock "end of conversation" lines is "Try not to kill anyone without me."
- Dorian and Cullen enjoy playing a friendly game of chess from time to time, even though (or maybe because) they treat it like Serious Business. Taunts are mandatory:Cullen: Gloat all you like, I have this one.
Dorian: Are you... sassing me, Commander? I didn't know you had it in you.
Cullen: Why do I even... (jumps out of his chair) Inquisitor!
Dorian: Leaving, are you? Does this mean I win?
(Cullen accepts the challenge, sitting back down)
Inquisitor: You're taking this rather seriously.
Dorian: He is, isn't he? You need to come to terms with my inevitable victory. You'll feel much better.
Cullen: Really? Because I just won. And I feel fine.
Dorian: Don't get smug. There will be no living with you.
(the Inquisitor can then take Dorian's place and, possibly, cheat to win)
Cullen: Well, I believe the game is mine.
Inquisitor: Wait, what?
Cullen: (holding back laughter) Dorian cheats at this as well.
- When Cullen comments that this is probably the longest time they've spent not talking about Inquisition-related matters, the Inquisitor can respond "You can't be serious all the time. ...Well, maybe you can."
- During Dorian's personal quest, a male Inquisitor has the option of saying that he's gay, too. Dorian responds in the most deadpan way possible.Dorian: No. The Herald of Andraste. I am shocked and scandalized.
Inquisitor: Such sarcasm.
Dorian: Now I'm wondering how they'll write that verse of the chant.
Dorian: You're not exactly subtle, oh Lord Inquisitor.
- If the Inquisitor has been flirting with Dorian, you get this line instead:
- At one point Iron Bull will invite the Inquisitor to disguise themselves as one of his Chargers (Grim) and visit the soldiers on watch that evening to get an idea of what the grunts think of the Inquisition. The Inquisitor has the option of grunting every time they are prompted to speak, staying in character all the while.
- Varric's story about Hawke is hilarious, if it is taken out of context. Even Varric seems like he's on the verge of both crying and laughing at the same time through the entire story. Some idiot decided that the best way to get his money back from the constantly broke Gamlen was to attack Hawke. So, he sent a bunch of thugs to "collect" from the rich nephew/niece. Needless to say, it didn't go as planned:
(regardless of personality)
- Snarky!Hawke was waiting for them at the door with cards and invited them to a game of Wicked Grace. After playing a few hands, the guards arrived and arrested them. A couple of the thugs, however, liked Hawke and Co. so much, they became regulars at their weekly card games.
- Diplomatic!Hawke opened the door for them and invited them to tea. So, the thugs found themselves chatting politely with Hawke while Leandra served them tea and cakesnote . They left too confused to know what had happened and never came back.
- Aggressive!Hawke greeted them at the door, armed to the teeth, with Varric on one side and Aveline on the other. The thugs took one good look at the three of them and surrendered.
Varric: Hawke just... had that effect on people.
- Take Iron Bull in the Fade and he starts monologuing, blaming Krem for his predicament:(Krem voice) Hey, Chief. Let's join the Inquisition! Good fights for a good cause!
(Normal voice) I don't know, Krem. I hear there are demons.
(Krem voice) Ah, don't worry about the demons, Chief. I'm sure we won't see many!
(Normal voice) (grumbling) Can't believe I was so... ASSHOLE!
- The Bad Future shown in the quest "In Hushed Whispers" is pretty grim for the most part, particularly when it turns out that your party members have been locked in cells while infected with red lyrium. As you approach their cells, some of them will be talking to themselves as a sign that they're losing their sanity...but in the Iron Bull's case, he's wearily reciting the lyrics of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" (and he's at 300 bottles instead of 99 or under).
- There's also the revelation that the Herald has been dead for a year. As you finally come to grips with the Time Travel, and the dramatic music swells, Dorian and the Herald wear shocked expressions and if you choose the second dialogue option, the Herald will say, deadpan and completely sincere about it, "I must have missed a lot during that year!" The animation and delivery have to be seen to be believed.
- After another irritating meeting with Chancellor Roderick, the following exchange can occur between the Inquisitor and Cullen, right in front of Roderick.Inquisitor: Well, let's hope we find solutions, and not a cathedral full of chancellors.
Cullen: The stuff of nightmares!
- Early in Haven, an Orlesian nobleman comes by to demand evidence that Justinia authorized the Inquisition. Josephine tells him that Cassandra would feel the need to duel him over the accusation that she was lying, scaring him off. It is never clarified whether Josephine was bluffing.
- The Iron Bull's sheer excitement every time you come across a dragon is almost childlike it's so enthusiastic.Iron Bull: Looks like dragon territory. Oh, this is gonna be good!Iron Bull: Would look at that! That, is MAGNIFICENT!
- When attempting to drain the lake in Crestwood, you enter an abandoned tavern on a dam where the dam controls are located. Given all the undead and demons mucking about, you might expect a fight ... but instead, you come across a pair of teenage sweethearts, the same ones who have scrawled "Milton loves Lonnie" messages all over the region. Even The End of the World as We Know It can't put a damper on hormones, apparently.
Milton: We could try the caves?Lonnie: [patronizingly] You hate spiders!
- They proceed to discuss where else they could go.
- The codex entry "Vashoth: The Grey Ones" is a hilarious (unused) transcript from Brother Gentivi's interview with one, as she vainly tries to explain that she is not a Qunari or Tal-Vashoth. It ends with her muttering "I hate humans." The kicker? The entry is described as an interview with Issala, a Qunari goat-herder.
- There's a very subtle one that requires contemplation, but it's based on the fact that Cullen is from Honnleath. He also says that he left to join the Templars when he was thirteen, and Word of God has it that he's somewhere in his thirties now, so he was a boy in Honnleath a good twenty years ago. Remember who else was there? Shale - frozen as a statue in the center of the village. Cullen probably spent his childhood playing games on and around one of the immobile heroes of the Fifth Blight. Funnier still if the Inquisitor is a dwarf. Cullen spent his childhood playing games under the ancestor of his current boss!
- Urthemiel!Kieran may be mysterious and potentially plot-important, but if he's normal, then he has some really precious moments when he speaks to the Inquisitor.Kieran: Mother didn't say you were a dwarf.Dwarf!Inquisitor: You caught me! And I was trying so hard to be taller.Kieran: (sadly) I know how you feel.Kieran: Mother didn't say you were an elf.Elf!Inquisitor: It was the ears that gave me away, wasn't it?Kieran!: They're very large.
- Mythology Gag: In Origins, this was a dialogue option for an elf Warden talking to a little boy in Lothering.
- In multiplayer, Rion (the Elementalist) has this to say if you use the function to highlight a specific enemy to draw the party's focus to it.Rion: This one said something about your mother! All your mothers! Kill it!
- As depressing as the overall context is, the angry dialogue options for Solas breaking up with Lavellan are hilariously blunt - "Are you kidding me?" followed by "Your loss, asshole!"
- In the Western Approach, if you bring Iron Bull along to lay out the bait for the Abyssal High Dragon, he stops you to say: "Boss, you're the best."
- When you go to the second floor in Orlais, you will meet up with an arrogant merchant who only has one item, a golden nug statue. He will talk at length on his "ware" (not his wares, his "ware", because there's just the one), which nobody has managed to buy, and that nobles and commoners are the same once they are in his shop: they can't afford his ware. If you do indeed buy the item and then speak to him, he will be astonished that someone managed to afford it and claim that "I am undone. Swimming in wealth, but undone."
- What is this glorious item, you ask? Bait for giant nugs.
- If you bring Varric along for the "Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts" quest, he has this to say when you enter the Royal Wing:Varric: Are we going to start looking through the empress's unmentionables now? Just how drunk are you, boss?
- The bartender in the tavern at Skyhold is hilarious. One of his random comments that really must be heard to be fully appreciated: "I hear the Arishok was replaced by the Arishok. But he'd better watch out. In the shadows, the Arishok."Cabot: Seven people want your minstrel dead. Theyd settle for smashing her lute, but theyre afraid shed sing about it.
Cabot: My specialty is ale. Old Antivan recipe. The secret is: ale.
- If you ask him about his training:
Cabot: A few complaining that you've time to bed your allies. I don't judge. Much.
- Try asking him for gossip after you've begun a romance. It doesn't matter if you've actually confirmed the relationship yet or not, he still says this:
Inquisitor: What's the current mood?Cabot: Scorn.
- If you expect him to tell you how people in the tavern are feeling, he gives you his own feelings instead.
- And just to top it all off, Cabot is voiced by none other than Mark Meer himself, in all of his snarky glory.
- Unharden Leliana and, after her quest, a spy will talk to her about how pleased Josephine is she spared Natalie. Leliana will gripe she'll never hear the end of it and imitates her friend.
- Another of Iron Bull's many puns occurs in the Emerald Graves when finding an owl statue.Iron Bull: So, owl you doing?
- If you bring Iron Bull with you to the Temple of Mythal and Solas isn't present, Iron Bull will comment on how much the temple is worth when you approach one of the Mythal statues.Inquisitor: This place looks untouched.Iron Bull: You have any idea how much this place is worth?Inquisitor: Don't let Solas hear you say that.Iron Bull: Admit it. You were wondering.
- The fact that a Warden-romanced Leliana refuses to be celibate if she becomes the Divine. It's highly entertaining to imagine her telling Chantry higher-ups that she's changing that rule.
- Should the player choose to elevate the Du Paraquettes to nobility in order to stop assassins from coming after Josephine, the quest's final part will be talking to one Minister Bellise. However, the Inquisitor will have to pay a price to seal the deal, and one of the things you can offer the old lady is "an unforgettable night."Inquisitor: (makes a pose and smiles flirtatiously) I'm sure nobody at the party would mind if you and I went missing for an hour.Minister Bellise: (shocked) You aren't quite serious!Inquisitor: I absolutely am.
- Made even better by the hint that pops up while choosing this option: "Carpe diem!"
- Occasionally messengers run...messages between your companions and advisers. Josephine, Cullen and Leliana have their hands full just with each other, never mind this bunch of clowns.
- The Fereldan mercenary you rescue in the Winter Palace after Duchess Florianne springs her trap is so comically disturbed that he swears up a storm.I knew Gaspard was a bastard but I didn't think he'd feed me to fucking horrors over a damn bill.Born and raised in Denerim. Seems like I should have stayed there.
Party Banter returns in glorious fashion, with the following highlights:
- Vivienne proving herself to be one of the few people capable of cowing Iron Bull, eventually getting to the point where he's basically a young child being scolded by his mother for not cleaning his weapon. Her sing-song "Thank you, darling!" every time she manages to wrap him around her pinky finger is the icing on the cake.
- Speaking of Vivienne, her ability to effortlessly turn Sera's pranks back on her is the stuff of legends. When Sera steals her underwear, Vivienne simply buys more of a higher quality. When Sera puts a snake in her drawer, Vivienne sends it back... with legs. Six of them. She was rather well-stocked with that particular shade of viper, you see.Vivienne: Do you sleep with your mouth open? I should avoid that: it was heavy with eggs. Skitter skitter... skitter skitter skitter...
Sera: (growls) Friggin' stop it, witchy-pisser!
- Varric presses Cassandra for an explanation as to why she felt it necessary to bring him to the Conclave to report to the Divine directly when she could have simply relayed the information he'd already given her. Cassandra, utterly deadpan, replies that she thought the Divine needed to see the chest hair for herself. Varric is flabbergasted.
- The real reason why Varric was to be brought before the Divine is later revealed in banter between Cassandra and Vivienne. Justinia wanted him to sign her copy of Hard in Hightown.
- After the Orlesian Ball, Varric decides to write a political thriller in Orlais. He admits, embarrassed, that Vivienne will be the novel's Big Bad. Vivienne is amused and highly flattered, eagerly asking for spoilers and counseling him on what her character should wear. "My mask should be inlaid with opals."
- Varric's repeated efforts to get Cassandra to play "I-Spy" with him. Her reaction is always "No."Varric: You should be good at finding things. Of course, you couldn't find Hawke...
- Varric's literary representation of the Iron Bull.Iron Bull: So Varric. Are you going to put me into any of your stories?
Varric: (snorts) How could I not?
Iron Bull: When you do, make sure you describe the musculature right. It's not just endurance training; there was a lot of strength work that went into this. You could say 'rippled.' Or 'ripped.' Ripped is good.
Varric: Hmmm. 'The Iron Bull's stomach was prone to rippling after every meal.' 'He rarely wore shirts, as they ripped under the strain.'
Iron Bull: ...That hurts, Varric. That's hurtful.
- Sera asks Blackwall what Grey Wardens do when there is no Blight, and he responds that they simply do "whatever it takes to keep the world safe". Sera wonders if all the members of the Inquisition are as joyless as him.Sera: Look at you, all serious. What do Wardens do when there's no Blight anyway?Blackwall: Whatever it takes to keep the world safe.Sera: Like join Inquisitions.Blackwall: If that's what necessary. Hey, you're here too.Sera: The Inquisition can't be all broody beards like you and Cassandra.Blackwall: She doesn't have the hair for it.Sera: Oh, I'd bet she does. Places.
Cassandra: That's enough!Sera: Knew it!
- If Cassandra is in the party as well:
- Sera and Blackwall generally have a great interaction, made of messing with each other:Sera: Do all Grey Wardens have beards?
Blackwall: No. Just me. I stole all the beards. And all the power held within! There can be only one.
- Sera and Blackwall bet on whether or not Solas has ever been intimate with a Fade spirit. Solas' immediate reaction, before Blackwall has even explained what question he and Sera are trying to settle, is also pretty funny:Solas: sigh Sera's involved? So this question will be offensive.
Blackwall: Yes, probably. Sorry. You make friends with spirits in the Fade. So... are there any that are more than just friends, if you know what I mean?
Solas: Oh, for... really?!
Blackwall: Look, it's a natural thing to be curious about!
Solas: For a twelve-year-old!
Blackwall: It's a simple yes or no question!
Solas: Nothing about the Fade or spirits is simple, especially not that.
Blackwall: Aha! So you do have experience in these matters!
Solas: I did not say that.
Blackwall: Don't panic. It'll be our little secret.
Blackwall: (obviously pleased) Now who's twelve?
- If Sera hasn't been recruited, Blackwall just wonders this by himself and decides satisfying his curiosity is worth risking a fireball to the face.
- Amusingly enough, Iron Bull asks the same question. The answer is no.
- Blackwall makes a comment that when he first visited the market of Val Royeaux thirty years ago, it was much smaller and they didn't sell so many frilly little cakes. Solas tells him that a Fade memory revealed that the original market was just some muddy tents (though he didn't spend long at that memory due to the smell). He much prefers the modern market, though - he quite enjoys those little cakes!
- Varric confirms that not only did Knight-Commander Meredith turn into a statue, she's still there, adding an extra level of horror to the Gallows. Blackwall wants to know why no one's removed her.Varric: And make it impossible for children to play "Who's Brave Enough to Poke Meredith?"
Blackwall: They don't actually do that, do they?
Varric: No. No one's brave enough to poke Meredith.
- And guess what? With the Black Emporium DLC, one can find the statue in the Emporium.
- Iron Bull compliments Cassandra on not indulging in the Breast Plate. It's exactly as awkward as it sounds. Big talk, coming from the local Walking Shirtless Scene.
- When Blackwall makes the mistake of asking Dorian if Corypheus is "one of yours" (that is, Tevinter), Dorian launches into an extended tirade about how Blackwall's wording makes it sound like he's talking about a pet:Dorian: Like a giant darkspawn hamster with aspirations of godhood. 'Dorian, why can't you look after your little friends? Corypheus peed on the carpet again!' In this analogy, the carpet is Haven.
- Varric plans to find the rip-off who wrote Hard in Hightown 2 and introduce him to his editor. No, not Bianca, his actual editor. She runs half the Kirkwall Coterie and once killed a man over a semicolon. He never publishes anything without her.
- Sera's vivid description of Dorian having sex with the Iron Bull:Sera: It's like falling through a tree into custard! "TOO HIGH!" wham! "TOO FAST!" wham! "LEEAAVES!" wham! SPLAT!
Dorian: I'm not sure which is worse, the mockery or the accuracy...
Bull: Eh. Depends on how much rest the trees had.
- Apparently Cole has no idea how knock-knock jokes work. For example:Cole: I think I have it. Let me try again.
Varric: All right, Kid. Let's see what you've got.
Cole: Knock knock.
Varric: Who's there?
Varric: Cole who?
Cole: It's me, Cole. That is my name.
Varric: No, no, you're still not getting it. Sorry, Kid.
- Varric teases Blackwall about the latter's crush on Josephine, eventually suggesting that he could pen a few words for him to say that'd let Blackwall woo her. Blackwall immediately points out how that joke is Harsher in Hindsight given his already having assumed another identity already, causing Varric to drop it.
- Sometime after Varric's personal quest, he and Iron Bull have this exchange.Iron Bull: So... your girlfriend is a smith.
Iron Bull: So that means she makes weapons. With her own hands.
Varric: (confused) Among other things.
Iron Bull: That's hot.
- When ribbing each other on their fighting styles, Iron Bull describes Varric using Bianca as "pulling [his] girlfriend's trigger from the back ranks." Varric declares he has to use that line in his next book. Bull demands a writer's credit.
- Cole's habit of verbalizing people's inner pain tends to make most of the other companions uncomfortable, but some of them have more entertaining methods of dealing with it than others:Cole: You were just thinking about the time you—
Cassandra: Now I am thinking of something else. Can you guess?
Cole: ...My hat wouldn't fit there.
- Varric seems pretty okay with Cole digging around in his head and learning about Bianca and other intimate details of his real life, but getting spoilers for his books is not okay!Varric: Okay, delving into my personal life is one thing, but a writer needs some privacy.
- Varric seems pretty okay with Cole digging around in his head and learning about Bianca and other intimate details of his real life, but getting spoilers for his books is not okay!
- After Solas and Vivienne exchange several barbs about their differing magic styles, Vivienne seems to get the last laugh by pointing out Solas set his own coat-tails on fire in their last fight.Solas: Perhaps what you perceived was merely a figment of the Fade?
Vivienne: I would not claim your familiarity with the Fade, but I recognize fire when I see it, darling.
Solas: It did go out eventually... it was not worth mentioning.
- This pair of conversations:Cole: Your clothes look like the Fade, Dorian!
Dorian: The stuff of dreams? An explosion of color and light, wrapped in an enigma?
Cole: It's... shiny.Dorian: Cole, are those real clothes or...?
Cole: They're real. What else would they be?
Dorian: I thought maybe you conjured them, like your physical form.
Cole: Do you conjure yours? ...Is that why they look like that?
Dorian: Never mind, forget I said anything.
- There are some pretty funny exchanges between the Iron Bull and Blackwall:Iron Bull: You could have been one of the Chargers, Blackwall. You have the stature, the attitude...
Blackwall: And you'd be my boss.
Iron Bull: Hey, I'm a great boss! I'm a firm believer in No Pants Fridays.
Blackwall: I'd rather fight for a cause.
Iron Bull: Hey, No Pants Fridays is a cause!Iron Bull: You know what I miss about Par Vollen? The bananas. They're bigger... less squishy... and bendier.
Blackwall: You're talking about the fruit, right? Please tell me you're talking about the fruit.Iron Bull: Blackwall. Iron Bull. We could fight crime!
Blackwall: Isn't that exactly what we're doing, right this minute, more or less?
Iron Bull: Oh...yeah.
- This conversation between Cole and Blackwall if Cole takes the path to becoming more human, with Blackwall making it sound as though Cole is a baby who still needs to learn basic skills:Blackwall: I suppose you'll stop looking into people's heads soon? And you might start looking into... I don't know... eating?
Blackwall: Oh, we're at that stage? Spitting everything up? At least you've mastered walking. Soon you'll be eating properly, then drinking, then drinking for real, then girls.
- Varric wonders who's the toughest of the Inquisition's leaders: Josephine, Leliana or Cassandra.Solas: Cullen's not up for consideration?
Varric: Curly? They just keep him around to look pretty.
- In one of his banters with Sera, Varric mentions reach and flexibility.
- Varric and Vivienne discuss the cutthroat etiquette of the Orlesian court:Varric: If someone uses the wrong fork at dinner, is that worse than death, or just social suicide?
Vivienne: It's hard to say, darling. Anyone who has so mis-stepped was stabbed to death with the proper fork.
- Another between Iron Bull and Cassandra:Iron Bull: That was some solid work back there, Seeker.
Cassandra: You as well.
Iron Bull: The way you backhanded that guy with your shield and then damn near chopped him in half! Hey, are you as turned on as I am right now?
Cassandra: Am I what?
Iron Bull: That's probably impossible anyway.
- The above conversation is slightly different if the Iron Bull has been romanced, but no less funny:Iron Bull: The way you backhanded that guy with your shield and then damn near chopped him in half! Any chance I could have the boss borrow your armor later? For, uh... personal reasons.
Iron Bull: I'd clean it after!
Cassandra: Absolutely not.
Iron Bull: (Annoyed grunt)
- This doubles as a Call-Back to Origins, where Sten goads a flirtatious Morrigan, suggesting that if she wants to bed him, she'll need a suit of armor or she might not survive.
- There is also the version that happens if Cassandra is romanced.Iron Bull: You and the boss should use that between the sheets.
Cassandra: Who says we haven't?
- The above conversation is slightly different if the Iron Bull has been romanced, but no less funny:
- Cassandra mentions to Dorian that she's heard "odd stories" about the Templars of the Tevinter Imperium. Dorian doesn't miss a beat:Dorian: All true.
Cassandra: I haven't even told you what I heard.
Dorian: Doesn't matter. All true. Particularly the part with the grapes and feathers.
Cassandra: ...Oh. I was leading towards that one, actually.
- Judging by their banter, Varric and Dorian have Side Bets going on just about everything. They have several conversations revolving around the Inquisition's odds of success against the Elder One, which Dorian estimates at about three to one... in favor of the Elder One. Even better, the Inquisitor can chime in with, "I'll take those odds."Varric: What do you think, Sparkler? Ten royals says the next thing we run into farts fire.
Dorian: I'll take that bet. I win either way.Dorian: You owe me ten royals Varric. I'd like them paid in candied dates.
Varric: I haven't lost that wager yet.
Dorian: You said we'd be ass-deep in trouble. This is more like knee-high.
Varric: I didn't specify whose ass, did I?
Dorian: Leave it to a dwarf, always lowering the bar.Dorian: All right, never let it be said I don't pay my debts. Here you are, five royals.
Varric: I tried to warn you.
Dorian: I had no idea nugs possess such creepy little feet. Stuff of nightmares.
- Dorian asks Varric about what his and Hawke's first encounter with Corypheus was like:Varric: We didn't have tea and crumpets, Sparkler. I was there when he woke up.
Dorian: And he said what? "Hello, I'm one of the magisters who broke into the Black City, pleased to meet you?"
Varric: Was more like...(clears throat, then in a deep raspy voice) "Ahhhhhh, I'm a Darkspawn! Dumaaaat! DUMAAAAAT!" Then Hawke killed him.
- Sera and Iron Bull's banter about "elf tossing":Bull: Sera, I had a thought. The next time we run into a line of enemies, I'll pick you up and throw you.
Sera: Get off.
Bull: No! This could work ! I loft you over the front rank, and you land behind them to flank ... mayhem ensues.
Sera: I can't fly, you daft tit!
Bull: Think of the mayhem, Sera! Mayhem.
Sera: I'd get a wedge-up something fierce!
Bull: Look, you and Varric are the only ones small enough and he's... pretty dense.
Sera: Well, do some bloody presses!
- We later get this follow-up.Sera: Bull, you like overthinking, right? I've got an idea.
Bull: All right. Hit me.
Sera: You're not throwin' piss, but I could ride on shoulders. You run and hit, I shoot.
Bull: Hmm, you standing or sitting?
Sera: Sit on your own horns. I stand.
Bull: Right, sorry. So, we'd be like a mobile siege platform. [grunts] Yes, this could work.
Sera: Or, wait no, better idea. Ice cream in beer.
Bull: Uhh...sure. That's...not at all the same thing, but all right.
Sera: It's probably shit. It'll be great.
- We later get this follow-up.
- Blackwall and Cole seem to have some fun banter too:Blackwall: Hey, Cole, say something interesting.
Cole: Something interesting.
Blackwall: Yes, I deserved that one.Blackwall: You know, Cole, you're not so bad. But I'll never get used to the things that come out of your mouth.
Cole: There was once a man who had bees coming out of his mouth.
Blackwall: Perfect example.Cole: Your knife is big.
Blackwall: (snickers) It's a sword.
Cole: It's bigger than mine.
Blackwall: And now you've made it awkward.
- This banter between Varric and the Iron Bull, which pokes fun at a common gripe about II:Bull: Hey Varric, I was reading your stuff. Where do your bad guys come from?Varric: Well, some of them come from Tevinter, and some are Ben-Hassrath spies, but I like the stories where the villain was the man beside you all the time. The best villains don't see themselves as evil — they're fighting for a good cause, willing to get their hands dirty.Bull: All right... that's really deep and all, but I meant "where do the bad guys come from, literally?" The way you write it, it's like they just fall from the sky and land on top of the hero.Varric: I like to leave some things to the reader's imagination.
- This also pokes a bit of fun at Inquisition. The rifts, after all, keep literally dropping enemies from the sky!
- Not to mention that in both II and Inquisition... the villain was indeed the man beside you all the time.
- This also pokes a bit of fun at Inquisition. The rifts, after all, keep literally dropping enemies from the sky!
- The rest of this banter is sweet, but Cole's immediate, deeply unsure tone at the start of it is priceless.Dorian: Cole, the wooden duck I found on my bed... Was that you?Cole: No, I'm... not a wooden duck.Dorian: I mean, did you put it there?Cole: Yes... I couldn't find one with wheels, though, I'm sorry.
- Likewise, Cole returns Cassandra's locket to her, which she thought she had lost. Cole says she did, and how he got it back:Cole: I had to fight a rat for it.Cassandra (obviously touched): Oh—Thank you.Cole: It's okay. He wasn't a very big rat.
- Likewise, Cole returns Cassandra's locket to her, which she thought she had lost. Cole says she did, and how he got it back:
- Dorian potentially asks Sera about her fear of magic, assuring her it can be thought of as simply a useful tool and that getting more familiar with it could change her mind. Either she honestly doesn't catch on to what it sounds like when she goes on to keep referring to mages' "tools" or is just really good at sounding like she doesn't. Dorian, meanwhile, quits their first convo on the subject while trying not to laugh.Sera: I don't need to get familiar with your tool!Dorian: (impatiently) Please, stop saying "tool"!
- Certain other party members can also comment on this dialogue:Sera: What about Coryphemus? How many "proper tools" does he have under him?
Varric: Not hardly enough, if you ask me!
- If Blackwall's there, he's having the time of his life.Dorian: I can't believe you're scared of magic, Sera. It's a gift as mundane to me as your bow to you. Surely you see there's nothing to fear in a properly used tool.
Sera: Tell that to all the "proper" mages waving their tools in people's faces!
Dorian: There's an image.
Sera: What about Coryphamus? How many "proper tools" does he have under him?
Dorian: (Sounding like he's about to cry... or laugh) That's not— I don't think I can continue.
Sera: Right, well, I don't care how gifted you are. Don't cram it where it's not wanted.
- Then, there's also Dorian's attempt to play Word Association Test with Sera:Dorian: Indulge me, Sera. What do you think of when I say "demon?"
Dorian: Fine. "Magister?"
Dorian: Not helpful. But given our history, I'll accept it. "Thaumaturgy?"
Dorian: Magical endeavors. Helpful wonders.
Sera: Ohhh. Arrows.
- Upon approaching the mage stronghold in the Hinterlands, Dorian can remark upon it. If Sera is in the party, this happens:Dorian: (in a tense, dramatic tone) Do you feel that? My magic-sensitive nose is tingling.
Sera: Get off. Really?
Dorian: (in the same tone) It can also detect gullible morons.
- Dorian assuages Sera's fears about magic and possession:Sera: Do me a favor, Dorian. Give me some warning if you're gonna bust out in demons or somethin'.
Dorian: (cracks up) How do you picture me "busting out?" I'm walking along and, oops! Demon! ...I mean, it could happen, despite my training. You could also trip and impale your eye on an arrow.
Sera: So you gonna warn me, or not?
Dorian: Certainly. But only because you're so dear to me.
- Dorian asking Sera where she gets all her arrows from.Dorian: Where did you get all those arrows, Sera? You've got hundreds.
Sera: From your arse, that's where!
Dorian: My arse should open up a shop! Apparently it's quite prolific.
- Certain other party members can also comment on this dialogue:
- Cole can go off on a completely ridiculous tangent about Sera's name like a small child, which is both hilarious and oddly adorable.
- On one occasion, Cole earnestly tries to "help" Sera understand a very obvious pun. It sounds how you would expect it to coming out of the most Literal-Minded party member. He also tries getting in her head to explain that she doesn't need to be afraid of him thusly:Cole: I won't stab you while you're looking somewhere else. I won't do that to your boots. Or that other thing to your arrows. ...I don't understand what that last thing is, but I won't do it, either!
- On one occasion, Cole earnestly tries to "help" Sera understand a very obvious pun. It sounds how you would expect it to coming out of the most Literal-Minded party member. He also tries getting in her head to explain that she doesn't need to be afraid of him thusly:
- When he isn't creeping someone out by reading their mind, Cole tends to ask absurd questions for reasons that only his own logic can make sense. In particular, he doesn't seem to grasp that clothes are inanimate:Cole: Do you ever take off your armor and talk to it?
Cassandra: No. Why would I?
Cole: It might say something nice.Cole: My shoelaces keep coming untied. Can you talk to them? They don't listen to me.
Varric: Don't talk to them, Kid. Just tie them in knots.Cole: (mournful) My elbows don't make anybody smile.
- Cole, knowing what happened to Leliana, tries to help her. Emphasis on tries.Messenger: I...was told to put this in your wine.Leliana: That's a bee.Messenger: It's dead.Leliana: Not. Better.
- When Sera refers to Varric's books as "boring":Varric: That's because you do things. Escapist fiction for you would be... cross-stitch, or knitting.Sera: Aw, knitting is brilliant! It's stabby sewing!
- Both Solas and Varric get a kick out of irritating Cassandra:Solas: What would the Inquisition do without our stabilizing influence, Master Tethras?
Varric: I assume they'd just start burning things.
Solas: That does sound like most humans I know.
Cassandra: If you gentlemen are quite finished?
Varric: Now, now, don't get touchy. We're just here to lend you simple humans our help.
Solas: Before you cause everything to explode.
- Added points for hilarity at the end of the game when you find out that both of them are at least partly responsible for the events at the Conclave.
- Bull is sometimes more interested in the Fade than you'd think for a Qunari.Iron Bull: Hey, Solas, you ever do your Fade thing and pretend you can fly? Just flap your arms and zip around in there? Then maybe bang some hot Fade ladies?
Solas: No. Such behavior attracts the attention of demons.
Iron Bull: Aww. Demons shit up everything.
- Solas has some... interesting interactions with Sera.Sera: You can make magic anywhere, Solas? Ever piss it by accident?
Solas: No. Wait... no.
Sera: What? How would you not remember something like that?
Solas: We were all young once.
- Solas can be a really subtle troll when he wants to be.Solas: Have you ever had any interest in learning magic, Sera?
Sera: Get off?
Solas: While it has not manifested naturally, there are ways to determine whether arcane gifts lie dormant within you.
Sera: What? Don't make me think about that. I have to sleep at night!
Solas: Sleeping would give you the chance to explore the Fade. I could introduce you to spirits.
Sera: Right, you're messing with me on purpose!
Solas: Why would I do that? It is not as though I know who filled my bedroll with lizards.
Sera: Heh. Fair point! That was pretty good.
- If Dorian and the Inquisitor are in a relationship, Sera has questions:Sera: You and the Inquisitor, hey? What is that like? Jousting?
Dorian: Fewer horses, marginally. More cheering, definitely.
- If you take out a party consisting of Solas, Cole, and Vivienne, Viv may eventually try to interrupt one of Solas and Cole's cryptic banters like so:Vivienne: You shouldn't encourage that thing.
Cole: (honestly hurt) Solas isn't a thing!
Solas: Well said.
Dorian: It's fascinating listening to you two. Like working out a puzzle with only half the pieces.
- If Dorian is in the party instead of Vivienne:
- Cole takes a look at Iron Bull's mind, digging up some rather... personal moments between him and the Inquisitor. He has no problem whatsoever sharing them in great detail with the rest of the party. One barrel of Brain Bleach, coming right up!Iron Bull: Yeah. (Coughs). How's s/he feel about you saying this in front of everybody?
Inquisitor: If a Rift opened up right now and swallowed me, I would be fine with that.
Varric: Listen, do whatever works for you. You don't have to act restrained in front of us.
Solas: Provided it tied you down first, one assumes.
Inquisitor: Bull and I are consenting adults. There's nothing wrong with what we choose to do in bed.
Cole: Not just in bed. Sometimes it's up against the wall. And once on the War Table.
Sera: Pfft! Heard you took her/him right up the Dales.
Dorian: (laughs, but catches himself) Ahem.
Blackwall: I look forward to informing Cullen.
Inquisitor: Moving on.
Vivienne: Please do.
Cassandra: I could not agree more.
Cole: Oh. Sorry.
- Cole can go on to do it a second time, regaling the party with how he's picked up Bull and the Inquisitor's bedroom dynamic "works". Bull tries to call him off again.Iron Bull: Do you mind, kid? If you take away all the mystery, it's not quite as hot.
Inquisitor: Bull? ...Yes, it is.
Iron Bull: My mistake. Carry on, kid.
Cole: What's an — "Orlesian tickler"?*
Iron Bull: I'll tell you when you're older.
Cole: Nooo... You won't.
Iron Bull: No. I won't.
- Cole can go on to do it a second time, regaling the party with how he's picked up Bull and the Inquisitor's bedroom dynamic "works". Bull tries to call him off again.
- Sera's attempt to annoy Varric fails quickly.Sera: Dwarves are weird.
Varric: No argument here.
Sera: Argh! You're doing this wrong!
- Varric gets something special imported for the Iron Bull. He's not sure what anyone would do with it, but he did manage to find it. Bull reacts to these news with much glee, and makes a note to find milk and some Orlesian "guimauves" so it'll be just perfect. Varric excuses himself from the conversation at that point, saying that he really doesn't want to hear what Bull does on his own time, especially if it involves whatever "cocoa" is.
- An exchange that can be heard when entering the infested caves beneath Caer Bronach-Dorian: Just once, we should enter a cave and see normal sized spiders!
Varric: Then we'd know the world is ending.
- Varric at one point asks what the deal is with Qunari and their swords, to which Iron Bull points out that Varric named his crossbow after a woman.Varric: Point taken.
- This discussion about Kirkwall:Dorian: You know, Varric, I went to Kirkwall once.
Dorian: Bit of a shithole.
Varric: (fondly) Yeah...
- This exchange between Cassandra and Bull:Iron Bull: Cullen's got some of those trebuchets from the siege back at Skyhold. Hey, Seeker, think he'd mind if I borrow one? Just for an hour or two.
Cassandra: Why do you need a trebuchet?
Iron Bull: Krem sews a bit; he made these stuffed nugs with wings. I wanna see how far they can fly...
Cassandra: I... don't think that's an appropriate use of the Inquisition's resources.
Iron Bull: See? This is why you're not in charge of morale.
- Sera's interpretation of the Inquisition heraldry:Sera: So Cassandra, if you were trained young, how long have you been giving Andraste's hairy eyeball?
Cassandra: Andraste's what?
Sera: The sword-eye-hair thing. You know, "Knock knock, Inquisition; Andraste's hairy eyeball says 'What are you doing?'"
Cassandra: The eye is wreathed in fire. The light of the maker and the flames of Andraste's sacrifice.
Sera: Oooooh. You need better painters. I just figured she was ginger.
Cassandra: She was.
Sera: Well, there you go then.
Cassandra: No. No, there we don't go.
- Sera asks Cassandra if she's ever punched a bear. Cassandra is understandably baffled.Cassandra: Sera, why would you assume I should use my training to assault an animal?
Sera: What, the "punch a bear" thing? I dunno, I just figured you'd want to know if you could! I mean, I sometimes pop an arrow just to see if I can hit something. ...(tsks) Aww, did Andraste say not to use your training for fun? Fun for you, I mean. Probably not fun for the bear. You've got some reach on you.
Cassandra: ...No. No, Andraste did not specifically say, "One should not punch bears."
Sera: Well, there you go, then.
- She may not punch bears, but according to party banter with Blackwall, Cassandra does punch trees. She insists it somehow helps with her allergies.
- Cassandra demonstrates that she is Not So Above It All.Sera: Rose! No, wait! Robin's egg!Cassandra: Is this another game?Sera: Trying to guess the color of your underpants.Cassandra: (proudly) I don't wear underpants.
- Doubles as a minor Call-Back to Dragon Age II, where party banter indicates that Isabela sometimes passes the time by trying to guess the color of Fenris's underwear.
- Further proof that Cassandra is Not So Above It All: her reaction to Blackwall lamenting that dragons are nearly extinct.Majestic? Say that after you see a pile of dragon shit bigger than your house.
- A meta example: Cole and Dorian bring up the concept of friendly fire and make fun of modern gaming.Dorian: Cole, you should be careful dancing around with those daggers when I'm throwing fire.Dorian: That doesn't always mean what you think it means.
The War Table
- Using Cullen on a Qunari Inquisitor's war table mission "A Job for the Valo-Kas Mercenaries". Cullen suggests they hire the merc band to fight demons. The response:
Don't think he likes trunks anymore.
- Alternatively, picking Leliana will have one of her agents pose as a member of the Inquisitor's old mercenary band. Unfortunately for all, the agent in question is a small and scrawny elf, and the mercenaries are all tall, grey-skinned and muscular horned humanoids. Your contact tells you that they first tried painting the agent grey and putting him on stilts, and after that didn't work, they just stuffed him in their trunk with the rest of their gear.
- The Qunari Inquisitor's old mercenary band seems to be Crazy Awesome in general. In the first letter you get from them, you're basically being admonished for falling out of a rift and on your head, forgetting who you are. The letter then tells you to stop that ("seriously"), because the mercenaries haven't been paid yet. Complete the mission by having Leliana's agents free a few mercenaries and you'll get another letter. The letters end with the following:First Letter:
P.S. If you forgot who you are, I'll remind you: You are Adaar. You're Vashoth. You didn't get paid for being blown up.
P.P.S. In case you're dead, disregard this message.
P.S. Good work on not being dead.
P.P.S. We still haven't been paid.
- Taking Cullen's advice for the human Inquisitor's trouble making relatives is also brilliant. One cousin in particular is so incensed at being publicly denounced that he started a fight with an Inquisition soldier in a tavern, which started a full on Bar Brawl, which ended when a cook got fed up and brained the cousin with a rolling pin.
- If Grand Duchess Florianne is killed, and her remains are sentenced to community service, a new mission opens at the War Table. While the Flavor Text of the mission deals with a serious concern (others will look at what happened to Florianne and think "That won't happen when I'll do it because I'll do something else"), the ways the advisers will deal with this using the corpse of the traitor are Black Comedy at its finest.
- First off, they didn't even bother to give her a proper coffin. They literally just stuffed her in a pinewood crate and left her to rot.
- Josephine suggests that, since Florianne's birthday is coming, and many nobles have already accepted the invitations, the Inquisition should host the party... with the box as the guest of honor.Josephine: Such splendor at Grand Duchess Florianne's Pinewood Festival! The awkward silence! The spritzing of masking scents! And the wood? My goodness, the wood. (ahem)
- Leliana suggests picking particularly outspoken nobles and having them wake up to Florianne's boxed corpse. If this mission is taken, it's remarked that this becomes an Urban Legend, where if you look in a mirror and say "Last season" three times, she'll show up and make you wear flat shoes!Leliana: She does, you know. It happened to an arl I knew. I dare you, [Inquisitor].
- Cullen's tarot card reads Since we're being barbaric, why not set her head on a pike? That was a joke—do not ask for her head on a pike! (Sighs.) You want her head on a pike. Picking Cullen will have him suggest a suitable alternative: A big sign that just says "Don't." It's used to hit people.
- As a cherry on top of the whole thing, the mission title? "Duchess In A Box Tour 9:41." Dead Florianne In A Box then becomes an Agent for Josephine that reduces the timers for any of her war table missions.
- In the same deadpan as Cullen's other war table lines:Cullen: You know, if you squint, Lake Calenhad is shaped like a bunny.
Josephine: I think we should get back to—
Leliana: (gasp) I think I see it!
- If you played the short interactive novel The Last Court and transferred the data through the keep, you get a small series of war-missions involving the Marquis. The last one has them being kidnapped. If you send Leliana's spies to track them down, they find the Marquis playing chess with their captor.
- One of the requirements to clear the rubble Ghilan'nain's Grove is one hundred and seventy kegs of ale. The completion report claims this was not nearly enough... for only fifteen Inquisition soldiers.
- One series of war table missions involves hunting down the person making unauthorized sequels of Varric's Hard In Hightown serial. The culprit turns out to be Worthy: the dwarven runecrafter met at the very beginning of Dragon Age II and probably forgotten about by most players. He lost a ton of business when Varric introduced Hawke to Sandal and now he's trying to get revenge. If he's captured by Inquisition forces, his rant about how he's the greatest writer in Thedas causes one of Leliana's agents to literally choke from laughing so hard, prompting the other agent to declare the dwarf a menace. If he's captured by the Kirkwall Guard, he spends six hours ranting about how much money he lost to Sandal while the guards start fighting over who gets to read his books aloud to the rest of the barracks. Aveline is not amused.
- This entire series of missions is hilarious in various ways, but one step late in the quest chain is a very sneaky Creator In-Joke. As part of the chain to solve the mystery, the Inquisition needs to get a copy of one of the Merchants' Guild's ciphers. Varric writes to a contact, Jerrik Dace, and reminds him that he still owes House Tethras a lot of money for their part in financing his rescue mission. He offers to void the debt in exchange for the needed cipher; Dace writes back an equally snarky response accepting the deal. As seasoned Dragon Age players know, that rescue mission was the entire plot of the Origins DLC Golems of Amgarrak. It might be considered just a simple Call-Back, but the funny part comes in when you know that Varric's voice actor, Brian Bloom, also voiced Jerrik Dace. It's a case of Talking to Himself - in writing.
- In the war table background chatter, Cullen mentions at one point that the Inquisition has recently received a new shipment of trebuchets... which will have to be calibrated for maximum accuracy. Josephine mutters, "Again? How many times must he do that?"
- One option involves Cullen's soldiers escorting some nobles to a crater; it is reported that several of these nobles kept trying to sign their names in the red lyrium and take corpses home as souvenirs.
- If you do the War Table operation "Dance with the Dowager: The Allemande" and defend a region known for its walnut groves before an Orlesian noble may claim it, his response to your interference is hilarious.Comte de Poisson: It comes as a great shock to me that the organization that claims to be defending us from the Breach holds an interest in walnut farming. Perhaps you intend to throw unshelled nuts into the sky to repel demons? Truly, such matters are beyond my expertise.
- Should the Inquisitor acquire the Tempest specialization, they will eventually receive a war table operation that deals with the fallout of the provisioner of their flasks... disintegrating. According to Kihm, your trainer, "it was an unfortunate mishap involving a barrel of powdered sulfur and two over-eager raccoons" and "prayers for Olinka and her furry friends will be said tomorrow at midnight." Acquire a new provisioner through intimidation (Cullen), and Kihm will have some ideas on how to make the Inquisition's soldiers even more intimidating.Kihm: Imagine the minds your soldiers could change if they were on fire! Just a thought. But really, consider it.
- The mission Shadows over Denerim comes in form of a letter by Alistair, saying that there are Venatori in the palace - "Like rats - but with magic and nasty sneers" - in typical Alistair fashion. The letter ends like this:Since the Inquisition knows all about them, I'm hoping you'll help. Something something grateful something.Wait... did you just write that? You scribes do this on purpose, don't you?King Alistair Theirin
I feel like we should have met, seeing as you were camped in the western part of my country... until someone wiped Haven off the map. MY map. That was annoying. First I have one army in Ferelden without a by-your-leave, and then there are two? But I digress. My point is that I'm King Alistair, Ruler of Ferelden, and I've learned who was behind that second army. His cult of Tevinter followers is supposedly in the royal palace. Somewhere. Cackling, no doubt.Seeing as your Inquisition knows far more about them, I'm hoping you could help us find these cultists and ask them all to leave. With pointy swords. I don't even want to know what they're up to - one Archdemon per age is really all Ferelden can stomach, thank you very much.
- If you completed "Champions of the Just" and Alistair is king, you get this proof that you can rule a kingdom through snark alone:
Well, that was bracing! A pitched battle with evil mages disguised as kitchen servants, fireballs flying and swords flashing... it brings back old times. I won't be eating anything coming out of those kitchens for a while, let me tell you. I wonder if they were going to poison me? Nasty little cultists. Anyhow, I'm grateful for the Inquisition's help. We wouldn't have found them without you.
- As if that wasn't enough, afterwards you get this:
- This statement any of your advisers gives after completing The Big One? in relation to an example near the start.Inquisitor? Inquisitor, our people have flushed out... something. Something big and stubborn. You were seeking a mount that spoke to the tenacity of the Inquisition, and this... frankly I'm not sure what this says, but it is definitely a mount, and it is definitely tenacious. I'm not sure what to say, except that the stables now have a new resident, and to echo the report from our people:"That is one big nug."
- One of the possible outcomes of "Red Jenny Attends a Party," in which Sera asks for the Inquisition to help humiliate an abusive nobleman by interrupting his party. Cullen suggests a ''military training exercise.'' And it works.Cullen: How do I best describe it? Our noble target was angered by the distraction of our soldiers and, in an attempt to regain attention, accidentally stabbed a revered mother in the hat.
- Sera comments on the Inquisitor's love interest if asked.
- Once you establish a romance with Solas, if you ask Sera about her thoughts on the rest of the Inquisition, she'll say she bets he shouts "elven glory!" in bed.
- If a romance with the Iron Bull is established, Sera asks point blank how the Inquisitor can still walk.
- Sera's comment on Cullen's romance is that "he has a lot of men under him, but he needs a woman over him. ...Because positions."Sera: (cooing) Your Cullen-Wullen. Cully-Wully!
- While not in the romance itself, one of Dorian's party banters with Cassandra has him comment on how odd it is to see her smile. After she denies having done so, he then snarks about her sudden Luminescent Blush.
- When you flirt with Cassandra enough, she first tries tapping you on the shoulder like some shy Huge Schoolgirl before demanding to know what your intentions are with all of your flirting. If you tell her point blank, she gets flustered and slams a door in your face saying how she's not interested... only to quickly reopen it and shyly tell you that if you intend to romance her, she wants to be properly wooed first. This involves actually having to go on an extended fetch quest just to get the items for your first date.
- The date takes place in a clearing near Skyhold, with candles and flowers for a more romantic atmosphere and the Inquisitor reciting her a poem. A rather... saucy poem. Cassandra's embarrassment, awe, and look that screams "Oh this is adorable" is truly hilarious to behold.
- The candles you buy for the big night are called "The Most Romantic Candles in all of Thedas."
- The chess game between Cullen and Femquisitor is even more Adorkable than their previous chats. And that's saying something:Femquisitor: We should spend more time together.
Cullen: I would like that.
Femquisitor: Me too.
Cullen: (looking at her) ...You said that.
- He later invites the Inquisitor to the lake near Honnleath, his childhood home. A sweet, normal moment that leaves the Inquisitor wondering:
- This scene in the Inquisitor/Cullen romance, where most of it is comprised of a Death Glare towards his subordinate.
- If Cullen is romanced, Leliana will gleefully poke a bit of fun over the War Table.Cullen: Inquisitor! We wereLeliana: Eagerly awaiting your presencesome of us more than others.Cullen: [flustered] I wasnt... I mean, I was... we have work to do.
- Cullen's romance gets very little in the way of party banter, as compared to the others, most likely because he was added as a potential love interest very late in development. Almost nobody teases the Inquisitor about it, nor does Cole have any embarrassing revelations for the others to enjoy. However, it does get one memorable nod in the Jaws of Hakkon DLC if Dorian is brought in the party to a specific area in the Frostback Basin. When the Inquisitor is walking on a large tree and admits she has looked down, Dorian's response is exasperated.Dorian: I do not want to be the one to tell Cullen that you fell to your death from a tree!
- In Dorian's romance path, if you ask him to spend time together doing something fun, he'll come up with this:Dorian: We can watch your soldiers bash each other with sticks while I critique their uniforms.Inquisitor: What's wrong with their uniforms?Dorian: Getting ahead of ourselves, aren't we? (excited) I have a list. Let me go get it.
- Another of Dorian's suggestions for something interesting to do together: find Cassandra and pretend they're talking about her. "It will drive her mad."
- There's some Dark Comedy in "The Magister's Birthright", which is only available if you romance Dorian. Depending on the responses you make, you have the option to stab the merchant, who is too stubborn to return Dorian's amulet. Dorian's response to this before he angrily calls you out back in Skyhold?Dorian: What!? You... you stabbed him! In his own shop!
Inquisitor: I did.
Dorian: To serve your own thuggish needs. Lovely! Thank you for all your help! I can't tell you how much this means to me!
Merchant: Perhaps you should accept your friend's help, monsieur.Dorian: Kaffas! I know what you think, and he's not my friend. He's...The Inquisitor glares at him indignantly.Dorian: (flustered) Never mind what he is!
- Also, while you're negotiating with the merchant:
- If you go drinking with Iron Bull as a female Inquisitor while romancing him, he ends the scene by saying something important that he's wanted to say to her for quite a while now: "You've got fantastic tits." A male Inquisitor is instead complimented on his fantastic ass. What makes it even better is that the Inquisitor seems genuinely touched by this comment, probably because they just had three shots of the strongest Qunari ale Iron Bull has available.
- There's a riding the Bull scene where he gives multiple warnings to The Inquisitor before they do the deed. Leliana seeks an audience with the Herald. When she's told off by the Bull, she starts to connect the dots: her eyes bulge, she looks once at the door, then at Iron Bull, and then puts her hands to her waist and shakes her head as if asking, "Are you fucking kidding me?"Bull: No. Let him/her rest.Leliana: 0_0
- Just... this scene. Note in particular the way the sweet, romantic music swells at the beginning... only to stop dead as Cullen walks in.Cassandra: Is something the matt-Aah!
Iron Bull: Oh for fuck's sake!
Cassandra: (to Cullen) Do you see this?!
Cullen: (who is indeed looking absolutely anywhere else) No.
(eyes on Iron Bull)
- Josephine was brilliant as well. She doesn't even try to hide her awe.
Josephine: I cannot move my legs.
(eyes still on Iron Bull)
Josephine: Who wouldn't be a little curious?
(Cullen and Cassandra look at her)Cassandra: (stuttering) So, I take it-
Iron Bull: (nods towards the Inquisitor) Actually, s/he's the one who's been taking it.
Cullen: (stifles a laugh)
- Not to mention that they all stand there talking instead of, you know, finding some reason to excuse themselves. They don't even ask Bull to cover himself.
- Afterwards, the Inquisitor clearly didn't miss Cullen's trauma.Inquisitor: I believe we may have blinded poor Cullen.
- In a later party banter, Cassandra takes it upon herself to remind Bull that the Inquisitor's room has a lock on the door. Pretty ironic, considering her romance has her and the Inquisitor rolling around a candlelit forest clearing, possibly in plain sight to anyone on the Skyhold battlements...
- There's the scene where the Iron Bull smacks the Inquisitor on the ass before they start making out.
- The Iron Bull and Inquisitor talk about everyone's safe words.
- Then later, the Inquisitor can mess with Bull by implying that they should get married. For once Bull is completely at a loss for words, only able to stammer incoherently, at least until he realizes that the Inquisitor was joking around with him.Inquisitor: (snickers) The look on your face!
Iron Bull: Oh, you are evil!
- Then later, the Inquisitor can mess with Bull by implying that they should get married. For once Bull is completely at a loss for words, only able to stammer incoherently, at least until he realizes that the Inquisitor was joking around with him.
- The final romance scene with the Iron Bull is pretty heartwarming for the most part, with the Inquisitor leaning against a wall and Bull praising them for all they've done while looking at them lovingly... while also mentioning he's left a big love bite on their neck. If the Inquisitor is a dwarf, this adds another layer of hilarity since they stand on a stool just so Bull doesn't have to look down as much.
- Josephine's interactions with her younger sister Yvette at the ball in Orlais.Yvette: You should be proud, Josie. I'm going to be exhibiting my works next season at the city's biggest salon.Josephine: Have you actually sat down and finished a painting, yet?Yvette: I must wait for my inspiration!Josephine: And I must wait for your tutor's bills.
Inquisitor: Oh yes, every word. Especially the parts where everyone was naked.
- Yvette in general.
- When she asks the Inquisitor if it's true that they found the rebel mages practicing blood orgies and sacrifices.
Yvette: I knew it!
Inquisitor: Of course not. Where do people come up with these ideas?
- Or if the Inquisitor corrects her misconceptions.
Yvette: Oh. How dull Redcliffe must have been then.
Yvette: (if Inquisitor is romancing Josephine) Is it true you and Josephine are going to elope and run away to the Anderfels and join the Grey Wardens and fight darkspawn?
- If the Inquisitor romances her sister.
- The Inquisitor can ask Yvette to tell them something about her and Josephine's childhood. Yvette will try, but Josephine will immediately cut her off each time she attempts to relate a story about them. Then, before Josephine can stop her, Yvette blurts out that Josephine still plays with her old dolls when she thinks nobody's looking.
- Yvette in general.
- If you romance Josephine, you find out later that, without her knowing, her parents got her engaged. When you ask if there's any way you can help, she remarks that he's Antivan, so the only way to settle it would be to duel him for her hand. You immediately agree to the idea, and though she clarifies she was kidding, this unlocks a War Table mission where you send Leliana to set up the duel. When Josephine finds out you actually went through with it, she's... less than pleased. The look on the Inquisitor's face when she pushes her way though the crowd, demanding an explanation while totally ignoring the other guy, is rather amusing. Naturally, it goes heartwarming when you say you did it because you love her.
Josephine: Why do this? Why risk everything we've built? Why risk your life?Inquisitor: Because I love you!Josephine: You... You do?Otranto: He/she does?
- Another comedic moment from the aforementioned duel: The Inquisitor, who by this point in the game has become a Person of Mass Destruction capable of shooting, stabbing or incinerating entire armies at the drop of a hat, utterly sucks at Antivan fencing. Lord Otranto spends the entirety of the fight smacking them around the square, while the Inquisitor just flails ineffectually and tries a few hilariously awful attempts at Flynning. It's implied that Josephine's arrival actually saved them from a beatdown, if not a skewering.
- Edges into black comedy, but if Josephine rejects them both, the Inquisitor still has the option of continuing their duel with Otranto because they "still demand satisfaction."
- Otranto's reaction to the Inquisitor's Anguished Declaration of Love is strange considering that that's why they're dueling.
- At one point during Sera's romance arc, the Inquisitor decides to ask their other companions what a good gift for her would be. When Vivienne is asked, she exasperatedly suggests the Inquisitor shave something lewd into her privates. If you don't outright reject the idea, the Inquisitor will actually follow through with it!
- Even better, visit Dorian afterwards and he will suggest the exact same thing.
- Upon asking Solas what to give Sera, you immediately - within milliseconds of asking him - get a "Solas Disapproves" notification.
- When the Inquisitor tells Cassandra she and Sera are a couple, Cassandra simply sighs and asks if she enjoys making everything as difficult as possible.
- Near the end of final romance scene, Sera and the Inquisitor look out to the sky, and as the screen fades to black, Sera makes one suggestion: "Let's push the bed off the balcony!"
- You can take a leaf out of Vivienne's book and counter-troll her by suggesting that you get married, or ask her if she wants to be the next Divine. The result is an epic spit-take and a quiet "loony".
- The start of Solas' romance also includes a funny moment if you choose the middle dialogue options after kissing him in the Fade:Inquisitor: When I suggested we talk, I never thought we'd be doing it in the Fade. (beat) ... Or... doing it in the Fade.
Solas: I apologize. The kiss was ill-considered, and I should not have encouraged it.
Inquisitor: You say that, but you're the one who started with tongue.
Solas: I did no such thing!
Inquisitor: Oh, so it doesn't count if it's Fade-tongue?
The Black Emporium
- The codex entry for the Emporium is a letter from a Seeker to Divine Justinia, emphatically saying that it is completely and utterly impossible for the Black Emporium to be anything other than a wild and completely unfounded rumor. Why?There is no magic that can conceal an entire shop full of trinkets from the eyes of a Seeker of Truth. And I'm not just saying that because I searched for six months and didn't find it; shut up, Tristan.
- Xenon, as always, provides a number of hamtastic gems."Watch your step; we received a shipment of invisible nugs the other day."
"Help yourself to a sock from the basket. But only one!"
"I have quite an extensive library on the history of forbidden magic. It's back there. Somewhere. I think. I haven't been able to turn my head to look for two centuries."
"We had a visitor last week. Turned out to be a Venatori! We fed him to the monster under the floorboards! He made a delightful crunching noise! (evil laugh) Are they all like that?"
"You may pet the tiny bear, but be gentle! A magister miniaturized him specially at great cost. He answers to... 'Chauncey'."
"There's no accounting for taste.""You went with that?""I liked your old nose better!"
- And if you use the Mirror of Transformation to alter your Inquisitor's appearance at all, you may get this deadpan reaction when you're done:
Jaws of Hakkon
- The Storvacker quest starts off with the Inquisitor acknowledging that they and bears have a...history.
- After you rescue Storvacker (a bear of great cultural importance to your Avvar allies), they ask you to sit in judgement...of the bear, for yielding to captivity. First the Inquisitor does a passable Horatio Caine impersonation and bears the burden...Inquisitor: Very well. I wouldn't want life in the hold to become...unbearable.
Inquisitor: I demand a unflattering report of your performance as a hold-beast. It will be recited to you every day for one week. I trust this will be sufficient em'bear'rassment?Cassandra: Uch.
- Then follow up by Leaning on the Fourth Wall at how bad the pun is for bearing the responsibility of one of the possible judgments.
- Even better: Your judgement can be for the bear to join the Inquisition, thus possibly dethroning Florianne's corpse as the most hilariously bizarre Inquisitorial agent. In addition, when Cullen goes to met the new 'recruit,' she apparently looked at his fur-lined armor, decided he was a cub with mange, and started to lick him. And if you choose Cullen's path in the ensuing War Table mission (which one of the advisers has dubbed Too Grizzly To Bear, this (written) exchange happens after Cullen's report of the outcome:
- Storvacker's codex entry is a giant shout out to Mean Girls, specifically being a parody of the "How do I begin to explain Regina George?" sequence.
- If you're judging Storvacker as a mage, you have the option of suggesting, "Tranquili-bear?" Svarah Sun-Hair shoots it down before you can even finish asking.
- After freeing Storvacker - if you've already dealt with Corypheus - you get this line of dialogue.
- Solas's deadpanned response to Professor Kenric's less than effective elven pantheon mnemonic is rather Hilarious in Hindsight.Inquisitor: Are you sure your memory aid caught all the elven gods?Professor Kenric: Well there's only one "F," for Falon'Din... though I suppose I forgot Fen'Harel.Solas: Most people do.
- The notes titled "Mysteries of the Frostback Basin" are a not-so-subtle Shout-Out to various batshit insane Conspiracy Theories in Real Life, and contain an impressive list of subtle references to Conspiracy Theorist authors like David Icke, complete with references to "moon-men" being in league with Tevinter in a centuries-old war against "snake-men". Hilarious in Hindsight Since the next DLC revealed that the setting actually has a mostly forgotten reptilian race...
- In this DLC you get to meet none other than Baron Havard-Pierre d'Amortisan and his scribe Dunwich, who you may recognize as the author of several codex entries on various creatures from the base game. And yes, he's everything you'd expect from an Expy of H.P. Lovecraft.
- The aforementioned baron and his scribe also send you on a quest to hunt the Nox Morta, a mysterious creature that, naturally, is described as an incomprehensible Eldritch Abomination conjured from the bowels of humanity's darkest nightmares. So what exactly is this Cthulhu-in-the-making once you finally encounter it? It's a giant white bogfisher.
- If Varric tags along, it turns out that one of the Avvar is actually a fan of his.note Trader Helsdim: Hold a moment. You. You're... you're... you're Varric Tethras!
Varric: You've got to be kidding me.
Trader Helsdim: I've read all your books and I have all the printings of "Hard in Hightown." Even the banned version. I've read it thrice!
Varric: Nice to know the "Rock Falls Everyone Dies" ending found its audience.
- Dorian gets some epic snark about some of the Tevinter ruins in the area.Dorian: Ah, Tevinter architecture. Doesn't this just scream "I hated my parents and had no friends as a child"?Dorian: I pity the mid-level bureaucrat who thought that building a keep here was a career boost.
- If you stay and bombard the Fortress Walls after melting the ice, the Avvar soldiers standing high above on the wall will taunt you until eventually...
- Party commentary on the condition of the Veil.
- If the DLC is completed after "Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts," bringing Varric and Dorian reveals that Empress Celene's trio of identically-dressed handmaidens were inquiring about the famous author. Specifically, they asked Dorian about his romantic availability and the chest hair. Varric's reaction is... unimpressed.Varric: Huh. Creepy.
- Kenric's reaction to learning that rather than the human warrior the Chantry always claimed Ameridan was, he was actually an elven mage.Kenric: I'll either be famous or beheaded.
- Renn's codex entry is letters sent between him and the Legion's quartermaster, who claims Renn requested an absurd amount of ale.Renn: Don't be ridiculous. There's no such thing as an "absurd amount of ale."
Bernat: You have requested more barrels than we have Legionnaires.
- There's a Nug King... and it judges you for nicking its stuff. The Inquisitor squeaks in their defense. Yes, squeaks. Let's Player Ashe/Lady Insanity has the appropriate response.What the fuck Biowaaaa...we're taking a break. I can't, I just can't right now.
- The party's commentary as they're riding the lift into the Deep Roads.
- Varric says it reminds him of the story of the Nug King. The Inquisitor is not impressed.
- Sera calls the darkspawn stupid and spits over the side. When the Inquisitor points out that Sera is much more likely to hit rock, Sera responds that it's still the darkspawns' house, so message sent.
- The Iron Bull is worried about his horns getting stuck in a low tunnel.
- Dorian complains about how long the lift is taking and suggests adding music.
- Vivienne is thoroughly unimpressed that their adventure is starting with them being lowered into a hole in the ground.
- A meta example with the "Gears in the Deep Roads" sidequest. You're running around collecting metal gears... while accompanied by a dwarf voiced by David Hayter.
- Apparently, Sera has been spending the last two years working on a Psychic Static for when she's around Cole. Now whenever he looks inside her head he's assaulted with thoughts of genitalia.
- Choosing to play pranks with Sera at the Exalted Council gets you a rapid-fire montage of the two of you nailing many of the attendees in the face with pies. It ends with Sera and the Inquisitor throwing them at each other.
- Sera is still keeping a diary, which can be read in the tavern. Should the Inquisitor and Cullen get married, she adds this memorable line referencing the fact that Professionals Do It on Desks.Cully and [Inquisitor's name]ly tied it! Desks watch out!
- Varric has, to his utter dismay, apparently been elected Viscount of Kirkwall in the two years since Corypheus's defeat.
- He also makes the Inquisitor a comte, gives them an estate in Hightown, and the Key to the City. All of which Bran protests for the lack of proper procedure/ceremony, and the latter especially because the Key controls one of Kirkwall Harbor's massive chains.Varric: Really? That... is so much better than I thought.
Inquisitor: This operates those giant chains? Can I try it?!
- Potentially even more hilarious if the Inquisitor asks to use it. They look as excited as a kid at Christmas.
Bran: (horrified) No!
- He's also avoiding mail from the Prince of Starkhaven in addition to the Merchants' Guild.
- The epilogue also shows Hawke (providing that they're still alive) and Aveline taking great pleasure in Varric's new position, to his apparent exasperation.
- He also makes the Inquisitor a comte, gives them an estate in Hightown, and the Key to the City. All of which Bran protests for the lack of proper procedure/ceremony, and the latter especially because the Key controls one of Kirkwall Harbor's massive chains.
- The Inquisitor can ask Varric if they've heard from Hawke recently (provided they're still alive). Varric only knows that they're still at Weisshaupt and he's not sure exactly what's going on but:
- The very first thing that Cassandra wants to talk to you about after such a long absence: Marriage. Only it's not, because she... kinda misunderstood a single line fed to her by Varric. Doubly hilarious if she was romanced, and triply hilarious if she was romanced and made Divine. note Cassandra: I am going to kill Varric. (wrings hands)
- The Inquisitor's expression when they finally catch on to what Cassandra's talking about.
- Thanks to the way the companions are spaced out, Cassandra is likely to be spoken to last (especially if she's the Divine and first appears on the opposite side of the map from this conversation). This means an Inquisitor in a relationship with Cullen or Sera is likely already married by this point, making the whole conversation surreal. However, if so, you get the option to tell her you've already eloped, which she finds terribly romantic, especially in such lovely garden surroundings.
- And if the player deliberately avoids talking to Cullen or Sera until after the chat with Cassandra, she speaks to the Inquisitor later about how delighted she is by their elopement, preferring to think that she inspired them. In the case of Cullen, she also remarks that the Orlesian court is very distressed that the overly popular commander is no longer available.
- The entire credits sequence is gold: Cassandra reads excerpts from Varric's memoirs about the Inquisition, in all their Purple Prose glory. Made even funnier by Cass's fantastically bad impressions of the other characters when reading their dialogue, and giving honest critique of most all she reads. Made funnier still if Inquisitor sees Varric give her the book and gives an Aside Glance; odds are the small quest in the main game was completed and they know where this is going."The name's Dorian. D-O-R-I-A-N. Spell it right, you marble-headed lump, or it's... toad time." A toad? That's hardly credible.
- When Cassandra gets to the part where she is in the book, tearfully begging for Varric's forgiveness for her misdeeds, you think she'd be angry, but instead she is overjoyed with her cameo. Fangirl, thy name is Cassandra.Cassandra: That dwarf, he... he... he put me in the book! (giggles) I'm in the book! I'm reading the shit out of this.
- When Cassandra gets to the part where she is in the book, tearfully begging for Varric's forgiveness for her misdeeds, you think she'd be angry, but instead she is overjoyed with her cameo. Fangirl, thy name is Cassandra.
- If Cole is more spirit-like, he helps get the Inquisition singer, Maryden, and Krem together. While a mostly sweet moment, the awkward Krem has a line of pure gold.Maryden: You're with the Chargers, are you not? I've seen you in the Skyhold Tavern where I sing.
Krem: Oh, yes, I love your songs. Sometimes I'd sit up on the chair to take a better look... at your... songs.
- Bull gets in on the fun when he finds out that Krem is dating a bard.
- If Cole is more human, he romances Maryden instead. In one of his party banters, he mentions that 'her bodice smells nice', then realizes he just said that out loud and tries to make the party forget, only to realize he can't do that anymore. He then politely (and pathetically) asks the party to, "Um... forget?"
- If the Chargers are alive, Krem has the Inquisitor distract Iron Bull until they get his birthday present in place - a dragon skull. This can go down two ways:
- The Inquisitor can bore the crap out of Bull through the various History perks they have, with Bull looking more and more murderous as the Inquisitor prattles on. While this is happening, the player is treated to the Chargers'... unique methods of transportation.
- They begin by dragging the skull, with Rocky the dwarf riding atop for some reason. Then they decide to lift it above their heads, but Rocky's too short to help so he decides to grab a drink instead, leading to a death glare from Krem. Finally, Dalish decides to use magic... and manages to budge the thing half a foot.
- There's also the part where Rocky runs off screen, an explosion happens, and Rocky comes flying/falling back into (and out of) frame, as Krem inspects his gauntlet, as if he'd been doing a mental countdown to the explosion.
- The Inquisitor can alternatively decide to just go "I can't do this," and Bull will casually reveal that he already knows what the Chargers are planning - he was Ben-Hassrath after all.
- The entire conversation is perhaps made funniest if you collected all the knowledge perks and then try to use every one of them, even as the conversation gets more painfully awkward and Bull glares more murderously with every attempt, juxtaposed by the hilarious shenanigans of the Chargers trying to get the dragon skull across the room... about as quietly as a live dragon. When the Inquisitor finally runs out of topics and has to admit they can't do this anymore:Bull: Keep trying! I imagine they've almost got that thing across the room.
Inquisitor: (Death Glare)
Bull: Ben-Hassrath, remember?
- There are a couple of comments depending on your class, race, and if you romanced him, all hilarious in their own way. If the Inquisitor is a dwarf, then they can awkwardly comment how tall Bull is to them. If the Inquisitor is a warrior, then they can make a gleefully sadistic comment on how much they love hitting things, if the Inquisitor is a rogue specialized as a Tempest, they will flat out ask if Bull ever wanted to set himself on fire while attacking someone, and if the Inquisitor is a mage specialized as a Knight Enchanter, then Bull will instead make an awkward comment as to why he sees the Inquisitor as a warrior instead despite the obvious use of magic. The best part is if you romance him and ask about sex toys and then immediately comment on something else.
- The Inquisitor can bore the crap out of Bull through the various History perks they have, with Bull looking more and more murderous as the Inquisitor prattles on. While this is happening, the player is treated to the Chargers'... unique methods of transportation.
- Vivienne decides to treat the Inquisitor to a spa day, treating us to the image of the Herald of Andraste (from a short and stout dwarf to a potentially musclebound horned giant), in a leotard, reclining on a sofa, with little cheese wheels on their eyes.Inquisitor: What are the cheese wheels for?Vivienne: It pains me that you even have to ask...
- Vivienne's Think Nothing of It is perhaps even funnier if the Inquisitor is an elf, as she explains that "you've spent too long living in barely civilized conditions." Since your people are notorious in Orlais for being "Dalish savages," she's not exactly wrong...
- The scene on the whole is very funny if the Inquisitor is a Qunari, because they're afraid they might break someone or something. Becomes even more funny once a giant person with horns that scares everyone is suddenly wearing a leotard and all of a sudden, the Inquisitor's constant worrying carries a whole different meaning.
- And while this is going on, Sera is running through the background away from irate palace servants, as all involved appear to be pelting each other with hams. Doubly funny if the Inquisitor has romanced and married her.
- Even funnier, the Inquisitor can hear Sera playing with the servants, and keeps concernedly asking what that sound is, to which Vivienne (who is completely indifferent) admonishes the Herald for stressing, since it ruins the point of spa day.
- Josephine rather flusteredly asks the Inquisitor to come with her to a show, which she has scheduled in for some "relaxing time." If the Inquisitor agrees, they figure a calm night out sounds great... Cue the Inquisitor gaping in horror, while Josephine is having the time of her life. When Josephine asks how you liked the show, an Inquisitor who wants to spare her feelings can... struggle to come up with something they liked about it, which thankfully keeps Josie happy. The Inquisitor then looks relieved that it's over... only for Josephine to reveal that it's time for the encore, which apparently involves fireworks, the first blast of which sets the Inquisitor clutching their seat and staring in horror again.
- While the dialogue doesn't change, this becomes even funnier if the Inquisitor is human and not a mage, given their history with Antivan operas.
- Varric in the Deep Roads. He complains about how much he hates this part of the world and all the other companion snark right back in a deadpan voice oozing sarcasm. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. Bonus points to Cole for his brief imitation of Varric.Varric: Great. We're in the Deep Roads. I feel myself getting dwarfier by the minute. Did I just sprout a beard?
Cassandra: Yes, yes. You hate the Deep Roads, and caves, and the outdoors...
Vivienne: And Orlesians, Fereldans, Nevarrans, mages, templars, the entire Merchants Guild, nugs...
The Iron Bull: And slopes. Uneven ground. The dark. Pretty much all kinds of weather...
Dorian: Orlesian cafes. Taverns that are too tidy. Slopes of greater than ten degrees...
Blackwall: Also quiet. Most kinds of smells. Rain. Water in general...
Cole: The smell of the sea. (mimicking Varric's voice) "Who made the ground vertical?" (in his own voice again) Mountains covered in the dead...
Sera: And everything that isn't hearing himself talk...
Varric: Look, I have to complain, or you'll forget I'm here and trip over me! I'm providing a service.
- Sera's reaction to the secrets of the ancient elves found at the Crossroads is rather...to the point.Sera: The Dalish...are going...to shit themselves.
- While exploring the Shattered Library, the Inquisitor can happen across an old book where they can half-read, half-feel the memories of two Sickeningly Sweethearts who gush endlessly in long Purple Prose about how in wuv they are. Suddenly, a "cynical voice" cuts through their endless gushing to tell them to Get a Room!
- A possible response to "I suppose you have questions" is "Not really, no." Instead of having a long, heartstring-pulling conversation, Solas looks deeply irritated, and summarizes everything in less than a minute. The Inquisitor doesn't even get to say anything else. Made even more darkly funny if Solas had low opinion of you throughout the game. Or you didn't bother talking to him at all the whole time he's recruited:Inquisitor: Solas, have I ever wanted to hear one of your endless explanations?
Solas: Well, then, briefly: I am the Dread Wolf. I fought the false elven gods, created the Veil, and destroyed my people. I intend to restore them. Doing so will likely destroy your world. Also, your mark is getting worse.
- The cherry on top has to be how he removes the Anchor. For a befriended Inquisitor, he gently asks you to take his hand and magically removes the Anchor with the other. For a romanced female Lavellan, he removes it via an Intimate Healing Big Damn Kiss. In this conversation, he unceremoniously grabs your wrist and yanks it forward.
- As tragic as Qun-loyal Iron Bull choosing to uphold the Qun more than his friendship with you is, there is a bit of Black Comedy in the epilogue version if he was romanced. Yes, the tragedy is enhanced. Yes, the ridicule of people blaming the romance for the Inquisition's failings stings. But the slide's Punch and Judy depiction having Iron Bull biting your arm off as a "Just So" Story explanation for its disappearance? That's amusing.
- Several of the codex entries detailing what your companions have been up to over the Time Skip are amusing, but the cream of the crop has to be Leliana's if she was not made Divine. It details her efforts to train messenger nugs to supplement her flock of messenger birds for delivering missives in the Deep Roads. The first effort resulted in the nugs just running around in circles until they hit a wall; the second managed to train half the nugs to at least walk in the right direction, but all of them were intercepted by an Orlesian noblewoman who subsequently adopted them and put them all in 'terrible frocks.' The codex ends with Leliana plotting a spy operation to deal with her. If she is Divine, she asks to borrow Harding to help find more nugs, because Leliana can't hire anyone for a permanent position without observing them in a room full of baby nugs, and her current litters are almost fully grown.
- Varric's codex mentions that the Kirkwall City Guard finally transported Meredith's red lyrium statue out of the Gallows and held an impromptu parade to mark the occasion. Apparently, a group of Lowtown residents made up a song about it: "Thank the Maker the Crazy Cursed Templar is Gone." Mostly, it's just swearing in tune.
- If the Bull's Chargers kept alive, Iron Bull's Codex consists of a series of letters detailing various incidents they were involved in over the past two years. Amusingly, Dalish was crucial in defending the shores of Lake Calenhad from demons. The letter writer notes how they look forward to hearing how Dalish archery techniques create walls or dispel magical barriers. In another incident, Rocky followed the Inquisitor's example and dropped part of a mountain on a group of demons and Red Templars, which led to the client complaining about the overkill. If Bull was romanced, there is an excerpt from the gossip page of Masqued Murmurs Monthly that, unfortunately for quite a few lords and ladies, he still only has one rider, so they'll have to look elsewhere, related with as many cow puns as possible.
- Dorian relates his efforts to turn the Lucerni into a real faction. Since he and Maevaris are the only two that have any real experience with the fine points of Tevinter's politics, it's a rising struggle. If he's not romanced, he notes that they are so full of fire and zeal, and so politically inept, that Mae keeps a bucket of ice water on hand in case anyone accidentally immolates themselves. If romanced, he mentions that the Inquisitor's last letter was stolen and read aloud to the kitchen staff. It was the only bright spot the whole month.
- If Vivienne is not Divine, she shares the escapades of the Fraternities of Enchanters as they try to hold elections. The Aequitarians and the Lucrosians tend to get drawn into incredibly passive-aggressive arguments about the number of ballot boxes and the arrangement of voting cards. There were two separate incidents in which the Isolationists sealed themselves inside the debating area with ice walls in response to some insult by the Senior Libertarian Enchanter from Cumberland.
- If Leliana is the Divine, players are treated to scenes of her over the course of Trespasser attending meetings of the Inquisition leadership and, amongst other things, overseeing a murder investigation in Halamshiral, in full Divine regalia, which can look rather silly. Like if the Pope were put in charge of investigating a mysterious death.
- Just before this bit we have Ferelden and Orlais arguing over the Inquisition, and arguing, and arguing, and Josephine suddenly looks rather concerned because Inquisitor slumps on the desk and looks like they are bored to tears, or sleep.
- The participants of Dorian's going away party: Varric's droning attempt at a speech, Sera heckling him, Cole quietly watching on, and then there's Bull: absolutely sloshed out of his mind, snoring on the floor, and babbling nonsense.Bull: *snoring* Tama, never wanted any, I swear...
- As serious as the issue is when fleeing The Deep Roads Inquisitor gives this bit.Inquisitor: So who gets to tell Cullen and Josephine that we are probably at war with the Qun? Anyone?Any companion: Hell no, you do it.Inquisitor: (sigh) They're going to kill me.
- Another fine Sera moment.Maryden: ♪ Sera was never... ♪ *crunch*Sera: Creepy song is creepy...ugggh.
- Sera and Blackwall discuss Dwarven architecture:Sera: Why are dwarves so short but carve their tunnels so tall?
Blackwall: They choose to show their stature in other ways. Or it's compensation.
Sera: Okay, the second-obvious reason it's funny you answered: You're swinging a giant sword around.
Blackwall: That's not compensation, that's a counterweight.
Sera: Pffft! (burst of laughter) So stupid.
Varric: Yes, why do people build their houses bigger than themselves?Sera: *annoyed sigh* Yeah, alright, fair play.
- Varric's reaction is also funny.
- Cassandra and Iron Bull have some banter while down there, with him needling her about being out of practice, and agreeing to stay behind her in fights - though he says it would be to enjoy the view. Even funnier if she's the Divine, as he'll immediately ask if it went into Dude, Not Funny! territory, and she'll reassure him that she likes being treated as a regular person for a change.
- On the official site's "character info" for Solas, Patrick Weekes threw out a Trogdor reference.Weekes: Thedas is a pretty big place, and unless you go around burninating the peasants, you may never come to the attention of the templars.
- One of the behind the scenes videos has Alix Wilton Regan, the British voice of the female Inquisitor, show how dedicated she is to delivering a convincing job in the booth... including Spit Takes. This involves her deliberately missing the bucket, and hitting the guy holding it, instead. For the entire allotted time. At the end of it the poor guy looks like he's been dunked in a pool. His stoic demeanour and lack of response makes it all the sweeter.
Indira: ... Just tell her to go BLEEP herself.
- Another video has Vivienne's voice actress, Indira Varma, helping a BioWare community manager come up with a "The Reason You Suck" Speech... until the manager points out that this is Twitter, which has a one hundred and forty character limit. Indira looks pissed, before shrugging and saying:
- BioWare put a lot of effort into advertising Inquisition. Including listing attractive features of Thedas.
- While showing off the character creation and weapon customization features at Gamescom 2014, what does Bioware name a customized battleaxe? All the Feels.
- In an interview, a developer comments that for Keep, you can change things you regret when you remake your games in Dragon Age Keep, but that would be cheating. The interviewer's response?Interviewer: I'm going to do it anyway.
- According to the developers during a livestream, one of the cut dialogue options for the Inquisitor during the tutorial section of the game was to ask if they were planning on putting them into a catapult and launching them into the rift.
- When Inquisition was nominated for 2014 Game of the Year (which it later won), the devs put out a special video with Varric shamelessly plugging his book, Cullen walking around shirtless, and Cassandra trying to keep Varric on the topic at hand but getting very distracted by Cullen.
- There is a rare warhammer in the game called 'Merkel's Fist'. Side effects may include giggles if one knows a thing or two about Germany.◊