("I Am The Doctor" starts playing as the Doctor begins to explain what's going on.)
The Doctor: No one on this planet is safe right now, we have to solve this before it's too late! Get your clothes on! If we move fast enough, we can at least stand a chance and-
Amy: Doctor, you can't just go like that, what's happening? Don't we need to know?
The Doctor: Popped up in the wrong order, easy mistake to make. Nothing to alarm you. Forget I was ever here. I'll be back soon enough, I would have thought. Everything's fine, pretty much. Don't worry about the future, the future is really...
The Doctor: A Dalek without a gun is like a tricycle with a roof.
The Daleks' plan is simple: Launch the Doctor at a planet and let him mess up all the stuff like he usually does. Either he'll succeed and lock the planet and then appear in front of them so they can then kill him... or he'll die in doing the process (or fail and they launch missiles at him!) in which case, yay, they win and he is, at last, finally dead. Kudos to them, apart from Oswin's interference which means they don't kill the Doctor, it works. Apparently, all those times having the Doctor defeat them has made the Daleks clever... which is a rather worrying fact.
Amy's acid sequence from the nano-cloud overwriting her memories makes her see a room full of Daleks as a crowd of people. Including a little girl ballerina with flaming red hair. Ballerina Dalek. And you thought Donna making them spin was funny enough.
And for bonus points, when we see the room as it really is that particular Dalek can be seen slowly spinning in the background.
Near the start of the episode:
The Doctor: How many Daleks? Amy: Armed? Rory: What colour? [beat] Sorry, all the good questions were gone.
Before the title sequence, the Daleks ask the Doctor to save them. The Doctor's response?
The Doctor: Well, this is new!
When the Daleks reveal that there's a signal coming from the very heart of their insane asylum planet, we promptly hear Carmen blaring over the loudspeakers. The Daleks, having no understanding of classical music, demand to know what it is:
Supreme Dalek:What is the noise? Ex-plain! Ex-plain!! The Doctor: That's, uh, me. Rory: Sorry, what? The Doctor: It's me, playing the triangle. [chuckles sheepishly] Got buried in the mix. Carmen! Lovely show...
And then the Doctor has this unorthodox suggestion for the race of genocidal aliens:
The Doctor: Have you considered tracking back the signal and talking to them? [the Daleks just stare at him] The Doctor:[to himself]...he asked theDaleks...
After the Daleks explain the situation, the Doctor wonders why they haven't sent in their own forces to deal with the situation. Turns out that the Daleks are too scared of going down into an asylum of their insane brethren.
When the Doctor finds out how the Daleks plan on getting him into the Asylum...
The Doctor: You're going to fire me at a planet? That's your plan? I get fired at a planet and expected to fix it? Rory: In fairness that is slightly your M.O. The Doctor: Don't be fair to the Daleks when they're firing me at a planet!
Rory thinking the Daleks are asking for "eggs". Sure, the audience probably knows what's coming, but Rory just DOES. NOT. GET IT!
While talking to the Doctor, Oswin begins making playfully teasing remarks about his chin, much to the Doctor's chagrin.
The Doctor: Oi, just what is wrong with my chin?? Oswin: Careful, you'll have someone's eye out with that thing.
And later:
Oswin: Hello, "the Chin"!
Even later, when Oswin's talking to Rory.
Oswin: The Nose and the Chin. You two should fence.
When the Doctor tells an insane Dalek to scan him:
The Doctor: Identify me, access your files, who am I? Come on! Who's your daddy? Dalek:You are the Predator.
When said Dalek decides to blow itself up in a suicide attack against the Doctor after realizing it doesn't have the power left to shoot him, the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to open up its casing and hack its inner circuitry... then drops the head casing back into place with a cartoon-worthy CLANG! And then it turns out that the Doctor wasn't looking for a self-destruct countermand, but reverse.
Dalek:[helplessly rolling away from the Doctor towards its fellow Daleks]FORWARDS! FORWARDS! FORWARDS! FORWARDS! FORRRRRRWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRDS–!! [the Dalek hits its comrades like a bunch of ninepins]KABOOM!!!
There's that one scene after Amy slaps Rory:
Oswin: Do you know how you make someone into a Dalek? Subtract love, add anger. Doesn't she seem a bit too angry to you? Amy:Well, somebody's never been to Scotland!
At the very end of the episode, to quote the recap page:
Recap: ...Amy and Rory rather effortlessly resolve their marriage, and the Doctor hastily bids goodbye to a collection of extremely confused Daleks who wonder who this Doctor person is and why he's babbling about an Oncoming Storm.
The TARDIS is sentient and knew that the Doctor would need Brian to help Rory fly the spaceship. But did she have to land around Brian as well? One thinks that the TARDIS is getting even more snarkier than usual these days.
Upon being asked if Nefertiti, Riddell and the others are the new 'them', the Doctor tells Amy they're not 'Ponds', as if the Ponds are separate from humans. Touching, nonetheless.
The Doctor, who is a five year old child on sugar, comes across dinosaurs. Do we even need to tell you his reaction? If you want a challenge, just try not to laugh at the Doctor's giddiness while riding a triceratops in the episode's promo image.◊
We'll tell you anyway:
Doctor: "..Run!"
Amy, pulling him away: "Doctor!"
Doctor, looking like it's Christmas: "I know. Dinosaurs, on a spaceship! Hahaha!"
Rory being kissed by the Doctor, and his somewhat displeased/surprised reaction. It's funnier when you realize Matt Smith did it on his own. It wasn't in the script.
Rory's dad randomly carrying around a trowel and golf balls, and seeming confused as to why Rory considers that strange, thinking that everyone should do this. The trowel bit leads on to this:
Brian: You should put it on your Christmas list. Rory: Dad, I'm thirty-one, I don't have a Christmas list anymore. The Doctor: I DO!
Rory just gives the Doctor a slow thumbs-up at this.
But you know who does carry a trowel? Brian's granddaughter River Song.
The Doctor falls victim to Cuteness Proximity... upon seeing a fully grown triceratops.
When the triceratops is sniffing at Brian's pants and the golf balls in his pocket:
Brian: What-do-I-do, what-do-I-do?! What's it doing!?! The Doctor: You don't have any vegetable matter in your trousers, do you Brian? Brian: Only my balls. Rory:[facepalm] [Beat] The Doctor: ...I'm sorry?
Amy's interactions with Nefertiti were also pretty funny.
Nefertiti: And you, Amy, are you also a queen? Amy:[after pausing shiftily] Yes... yes I am.
This response after Nefertiti asks if she's the Doctor's queen.
Amy: No, no, I'm Rory's queen. Wife! I'm his wife. Please don't tell him I said I was his queen, I'll never hear the end of it.
Riddell and Nefertiti are utterly hilarious.
Riddell: What you need is a brave, interesting man of action with an enormous weapon. [pumps electric rifle and leaves] Amy: So, it's the human sleeping potion or the walking innuendo. Take your pick.
Amy and Riddell.
Riddell: This is a two-man job. [Amy grabs stun rifle] What are you doing? Amy: I'm easily worth two men. You can tag along if you like.
The Doctor: Anachronistic electricity, "Keep Out" signs, aggressive stares — has somebody been peeking at my Christmas list!?
Speaking of "Keep Out" signs, The Doctor sees them as suggestions, "like 'Dry Clean Only.'"
The way the Doctor saunters into the saloon, and orders his drink.
The Doctor:[in an American accent] Tea. But the strong stuff. Leave the bag in. [starts making goofy faces as the toothpick he's chewing on gets stuck in his mouth]
The TARDIS was meant to go to Mexico. How'd it end up in Mercy? The Doctor blames Rory getting toast crumbs in the console.
The Doctor is horrified when he thinks that the Gunslinger shoots people's hats.
Amy: You've clearly been taking stupid lessons since I last saw you! [BANG!]
And then:
Isaac: Everyone who isn't an American put their guns down. [BANG!] Amy: I didn't mean to do that.
The Doctor informing the preacher that his horse Joshua is actually called Susan and wants the preacher to respect his lifestyle choices. Yes, the Doctor speaks Horse now.
The entire scene afterwards when he detects Kahler-Jex's ship plays out like he's having a conversation with one of his companions... except that the companion is a transgender horse.
The Doctor has no patience at all, as proven by the below quote.
Rory: You said we had to be patient! The Doctor: Yes! You! Not me! I hate being patient, patience is for wimps!
The look Rory (who's waited for Amy for 2,000 years) gives him...
The Doctor going stir crazy while watching the cubes and going on a rampage of activity. These include: Painting the fence, vacuuming the house, kicking a soccer ball a million times, staring at cubes and a lot more. He gets back down and asks Rory how long it's been. It's only been an hour.
When Rory mentions he's got to go to work, the Doctor is clearly confused that either he or Amy would need jobs, and Rory tries to counter by asking what the Doctor thinks they do when he's not around.
The Doctor: I imagine mostly kissing. [Rory makes a face as if to say "fair enough"]
After UNIT breaks into Amy and Rory's home, while Rory is in his underwear.
Rory: There are soldiers all over the house, and I'm in my pants! Amy: My whole life I've dreamed of saying that, and I miss it by being someone else.
After Kate Stewart lists the ways UNIT have been testing the cubes, the Doctor says:
The Doctor: That's impressive. I don't want them to be impressive, I want them to be vulnerable with a nice Achilles' Heel.
Amy and the Doctor are being told about the cubes. Some respond to proximity and others cause mood swings. The room is dark and gloomy, everyone is serious, and then Amy opens the door of a chamber containing a cube... and it starts playing the Chicken Dance song. On a loop. Made even better by the Doctor sticking his fingers in his ears slowly, with a completely serious face, as if facing the worst noise in all of existence. Considering the seriousness of the rest of the scene, it comes out of nowhere.
At her secret UNIT base under the Tower of London, Kate Stewart claims to have squads of trained beheaders. And Ravens of Death. Given her parentage, did you really expect her not to be a Deadpan Snarker?
Given her parentage, it’s more than probable that both of those things actually do exist.
According to Day of the Doctor, the Ravens are real... and apparently powered by batteries.
The Doctor still can't understand how humans can live with only one heart.
When Amy, the Doctor and Rory are eating fish fingers and custard:
The Doctor: If I had a restaurant, this would be all I'd serve. Amy: Yeah, right. You running a restaurant. The Doctor: I've run restaurants. Who do you think invented the Yorkshire pudding? [Rory laughs, then does a double take] Rory: You didn't.
When the Doctor claims the Shakri are Gallifreyan fairy tales, Amy comments on it. The Doctor's response?
It's quite a subtle one, but the moment just after the cubes start doing stuff, the Doctor, Rory and Amy all meet up and share what their respective cubes have done with each one getting more impressive... and then Rory's dad comes in with his cube story...
Rory: The cube in there just opened! Amy: The cube upstairs just spiked me and took my pulse! The Doctor: Mine fired laser bolts and now it's surfing the net! [Brian rushes into the house] Brian: You're never gonna believe this. My cube... just moved! It rattled!
On one of their adventures, Amy said yes to someone who was talking, without listening. As it happens, this was Henry VIII. And he was proposing to her. What makes it even better is that this was on her and Rory's anniversary trip. Rory is not pleased.
Incidentally, this also makes Amy the Doctor's mother-in-law twice!
The Doctor's attraction to Melody Malone. Who is, of course, his wife. Yowza.
The Doctor's "final checks" have nothing to do with any mechanical trouble the TARDIS might be having due to the "landing in a temporal blizzard" trick she just pulled off. It's adjusting his hair and fixing his bowtie. He has to look good for his wife, you know?
The Statue of Liberty is a Weeping Angel. When Rory sees it, he remarks, "I've always wanted to see the Statue of Liberty. I guess she got impatient."
Out of nowhere, in the middle of an incredibly heartbreaking scene:
Amy: Do you think you'll just come back to life?! Rory:Whendon'tI?!
The cover of the book about Melody Malone has a, ahem, rather prominent shot of River's... breasts... on the cover. Either the Doctor chose that, or River knows that literally no person in existence, human or otherwise, can resist her tits and is deliberately flaunting it.
Vastra: I've calculated a 34% chance (the meteor shower) is the result of alien intervention! [Beat] Vastra: ...24%. [Beat] Vastra: ...Well they could just be meteors, but it's worth looking into!
Strax has declared war on the Moon. What's even better — judging by Vastra and Jenny's exasperated reactions, Strax's cover story was probably NOT actually a cover story. He seems completely serious about the threat the Moon poses to the safety of the Earth, and they seem like they've heard his speech a few too many times before.
Strax: Too long the Moon has hung unmonitored and unsuspected in the sky! It has gained an enormous tactical advantage! Jenny:There's no one living there!
Ironically, it's later proven that there are giant spiders and an alien inside the moon which is actually an egg! Maybe Strax has the right idea...
Jenny's rambling story about a professor who wants to split the world open with a giant drill (soundfamiliar?).
Jenny: I think we should investigate. [Beat] I mean... he doesn't actually have a giant drill... and he's not really a professor... and he was a bit drunk at the time and... singing a bit, but you know it's never too early to... investigate... a... drill...
Even better, after Jenny says "I think we should investigate", you can see the Doctor tilt his head back, as if to say "Really?" You can't see his expression because it's silhouetted, but you still tell he's not impressed by Jenny's attempt.
Also, Jenny comes in with one right after the Doctor reaffirms he's "retired".
Jenny: There's a man on Praed Street with an invisible wife! [Beat] Jenny: Maybe he just... doesn't have a wife.
"Vastra Investigates"
Jenny does not seem to have warmed up to Strax any further. Also, he does not understand the concept of arresting someone to put them on trial.
Strax: Prepare for obliteration, Earthling scum! Inspector: Actually, Mr. Strax, if you could just take him aside? I have some officers on the way. Strax: As you wish! Human filth. Jenny:[exasperated] Sorry. He's new.
Vastra's innocent, wide-eyed smile◊ through the Scotland Yard officer's awkward fumbling for words is priceless.
Vastra: He is a genetically modified clone warrior from outer space. Inspector: ...makes sense...
Any time Jenny gets a chance to take a dig at Simeon is a cross between this and CMoA, but especially this:
Simeon:[sneering] I am honoured tonight. The veiled detective and her... fatuous accomplice. Jenny:[mocking curtsy] At your service.
"We are married!" "Which is more than can be said for you, 'ey, dear."
"Winter is coming." — If you're a fan of Game of Thrones, this line is a hundred times funnier. Also becomes Actor Allusion once you remember Jenna Coleman dated Richard Madden, who plays Robb Stark in Game of Thrones.
The Doctor's line on Strax:
The Doctor: He died for a friend of mine, then another friend brought him back. But I don't think his brains made the return trip!
THE MEMORY WORM. Clara considers this true in-universe.
Clara: Why would I run? I know what's going to happen next and it's funny.
"Sir, emergency! I think I've been run over by a cab!!"
What the children did when Clara was away — Digby drew 7 new drawings and they saw a dead cow.
Clara's "other voice", the secret one with a Cockney accent. Then she slips back into it during the Ice Governess attack.
Strax greeting Clara when she arrives at Vastra's hideout.
Strax: Do not attempt to escape, or you will be obliterated. May I take your coat?
The Doctor pretending to be Sherlock Holmes. And Sherlock-esque music plays.
The Doctor's failed attempt to Sherlock Scan Dr. Simeon:
The Doctor: Now, shut up. I see from your collar stub that you have an apple tree and a wife with a limp. Am I right? Simeon: No. The Doctor: Do you have a wife? Simeon: No. The Doctor: Bit of a tree? Bit of a wife? Some apples? C'mon, work with me here.
"Do you have a goldfish named Colin?"
Minion: ... No. The Doctor:[absurdly smug] Thought not.
What makes this ten times funnier is the fact that, as episodes such as "The Eleventh Hour" and "A Christmas Carol" indicate, the Doctor is perfectly capable of doing an actualSherlock Scan (and, most likely, is probably doing it right this moment). He's just being overly hammy here.
When Strax shows up to help the Doctor investigate:
Strax: Madame Vastra wondered if you needed any grenades. The Doctor: Grenades!? [Beat] Strax: She might have said "help".
Anytime the Doctor and Strax start verbally sparring.
The Doctor: You think I'll go solve a mystery for any bint who smiles at me?! Who do you think I am?! Strax:Sherlock Holmes. The Doctor: DON'T try to be clever, Strax, it doesn't suit you. Strax: Yes, sir. The Doctor: I'm the clever one, you're the potato one. Strax: Yes, sir. The Doctor: Now go away. Strax: Yes... Mister Holmes. The Doctor: Oi! Shut up! [as Strax walks away, laughing] You're not funny! Or clever! And you've got tiny little legs!
Even funnier because Strax is wrong, whether he's talking about the Canon or BBC version of Holmes - he won't go solve a mystery for any bint who smiles at him! He has conflicted feelings about women at best, and he'll only take cases that he thinks are interesting.
On the subject of the Doctor and Strax's arguments, that "potato" comment is a Brick Joke to one from earlier:
Strax: (as the Doctor is refusing to investigate the current goings-on) Sir, permission to express my opposition to your current apathy?
The Doctor:Thank you, Strax. And if I'm ever in the need for advice from a psychotic potato dwarf, you'll certainly be the first to know!
When the Doctor is communicating with Clara at a distance and she gestures for him to come into the house and up to see her, the Doctor thinks he's just going to gesture back that he's leaving. The Doctor's hand, it turns out, disagrees:
The Doctor:Five minutes?! Where did that come from?!
This gets followed up on when the Doctor pulls his Punch-minus-Judy routine and that same hand, with Punch puppet still on, tries to make out with the Doctor and he reacts as though it's still moving of its own accord.
All of Clara's stories are true. Including the one where she was born behind the clock face of Big Ben ("accounting for my acute sense of time") and the one where she invented fish because she dislikes swimming alone.
Captain Latimer's response to discovering the Doctor and Clara together, the Doctor's innocent insistence that he's Clara's "gentleman friend" and they've been upstairs kissing, Clara's a working-class girl and moonlights as a barmaid, the house is surrounded by evil alien snowmen, there's a lesbian Silurian detective, her wife and a Sontaran butler in his foyer, his maid's fainted and there's a demonic ice-sculpture version of his children's former governess that's inexplicably talking like Mr. Punch coming after them from the top of the stairs:
A small one, but Jenny translating her wife's explanation of the snow:
Vastra: The snow is highly localized, and, on this occasion, not naturally occurring. Jenny: It's comin' out of that cab by the front gate.
"Hey, I told you to stay in there." "Oh. I didn't listen!"
This charming banter:
Clara: After you! The Doctor: After you! Clara: After you! I'm wearing a dress! Eyes front, soldier! The Doctor: My eyes are always front! Clara:[in a singsong voice, staring at his bum] Mine aren't...
Clara's take on the usual "It's bigger on the inside" routine.
The Doctor: Go on, say it. Everyone else does. Clara:[walks out and looks over the TARDIS] It's smaller on the outside! The Doctor: Okay [Beat] that's a first.
The realization that the eponymous "Bells of Saint John" refer not to a church, but to the phone in the TARDIS, which has the St. John's medallion.
The phone conversation between Clara and the Doctor; Clara has no idea that the Doctor is actually somewhere in the thirteenth century, and before she inadvertently clues him in to who she really is he's forced to give her tech advice like a grumpy IT guy.
The Doctor's discussion with the monks about the phone conversation with Clara:
Monk: Is it an evil spirit? The Doctor: It's a woman. [Monk crosses himself frantically]
When the Doctor shows up at Clara's home. Consider it from Clara's perspective: a guy dressed like a monk who enjoys hearing people say "Doctor Who" is the I.T. guy she was talking to moments ago.
His frenzied flat-handed pounding on the door, and his utter glee when it opens and he sees her.
Clara asks him why he's pointing at the large blue box on the street corner when he refers to his "mobile phone".
The Doctor:Because it's a surprisingly accurate description!
While getting dressed in his suit, the Doctor reverently takes out a small wooden box... and opens it to reveal his bow tie.
He puts his fez on, with a look of satisfaction, but then throws it off. Then he uses it to collect change from a crowd after performing a "magic trick".
As the Doctor is putting Clara to sleep after the Spoonheads took her over, he opens a pack of Jammie Dodgers and sniffs them. Then, the Doctor eats a Jammie Dodger, and it sounds like he's enjoying his cookie... A bit too much.
Then he puts the half-eaten cookie back on the plate.
Clara speculates on what the TARDIS is really for:
Clara: What is that box, anyway? Why have you got a box? Is it like a snogging booth? The Doctor: A what? Clara: Is that what you do? You bring a booth? There's such a thing as too keen.
And again later:
Clara: Is this actually what you do? Do you just crook your finger and people just jump in your snog box and fly away? The Doctor: It is not a snog box!
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor; I'm an alien from outer space; I'm a thousand years old; I've got two hearts; AND I CAN'T FLY A PLANE! CAN YOU?! Clara: No! The Doctor: No? Oh, well, fine; let's do it together!
Not to mention how Clara gets dragged into the TARDIS, hauled out into the middle of an airliner in flight, stumbles into the cabin, and rides through a near-crash while engaging in a running perplexed dialogue with the Doctor ... all without putting down her mug of tea.
This conversation:
Clara: If you've got a flying time machine, why are we on a motorbike? The Doctor: I don't take the TARDIS into battle. Clara: Because it's made of wood? The Doctor: Because it's the most powerful ship in the universe, and I don't want it falling into the wrong hands. Again.
While he's getting Clara some coffee at the rooftop café, the Doctor grabs some cakes on display and begins eating them.
The evil corporation searching for a blue police box through photographs all night leads to a Noodle Incident at Earl's Court, where there is a real police box.
Turns out that most, if not all, of the employees on the Shard have accounts on Facebook and various other social networking sites. Previously, Clara made a quip about Twitter along the lines of it sucking the souls of people.
The Doctor rides a motorcycle towards the Shard. He tells a controlled person that he rode it in the Antigravity Olympics. When the controlled person points out that the building is on lockdown and he'll never get inside:
The Doctor: Didn't you hear me say antigrav?
He then proceeds to bike up the outside of the skyscraper. None of the Shard employees can quite believe it's actually happening.
Clara going a mile a minute asking how the TARDIS travels through time, with a wonderful case of Metaphorgotten on top, asking if time is made of stuff like "jam is made of strawberries". The Doctor's response to this?
When the Doctor's looking around the marketplace, he mentions that he'd come there before, with his granddaughter.
Clara: WHAT?
The Doctor barking like a dog at various aliens in order to communicate with them. It's even funnier (and more Adorkable) when Clara does it.
The Doctor and the really extraordinarily heavy door.
Clara: Did you just lock us in? The Doctor: Yep. Clara: With the soul-eating monster? The Doctor: Yep.
The Doctor's reaction to finding out Grandfather is the planet.
Clara: You're going to fight it, aren't you? The Doctor: Regrettably, yes, I think I may be about to do that. Clara: It's really big. The Doctor: I've seen bigger. Clara: Really? The Doctor: Are you joking?! It's massive!
At the end, the Doctor says "Hoi mun!", which may make no sense for the normal viewer. But for others who live in Hong Kong, he's saying "Open the Door!" in horrific Cantonese.
The opening sequence: A Soviet submarine prepares to launch its nuclear missiles. Captain Zhukov gets ready to push the button... then the tension's broken as Professor Grisenko enters, singing Ultravox's "Vienna".
Professor Grisenko: Have I interrupted something? Captain Zhukov: We were about to blow up the world, Professor. Professor Grisenko: Again?
The Doctor and Clara's introductory scene for the episode — they're dressed fancy, as they expected the TARDIS to take them to...
The massive "WTF?" look on the crewman's face when he sees the items they removed from the Doctor's pockets — a Barbie doll and a ball of string.
When Clara assures the Soviets that they aren't spies.
Clara: Pretty bad spies, mate. I don't even speak Russian! [confused looks from the Russians] Clara: ...Am I speaking Russian? [to the Doctor] How come I'm speaking Russian?
This exchange:
Grisenko: Is it true that you're from another time? From our future? Clara? Clara: Yes. Grisenko: Tell me what happens. Clara: I can't! Grisenko: Well, I need to know! Clara: I'm not allowed! Grisenko: Please! Ultravox!DO THEY SPLIT UP?
Theydosplit up, about five years after the episode takes place.
The TARDIS' choice of a safe bolthole: the Pole. Specifically, the South Pole.
The Doctor: Can I trouble you for a lift? [everyone laughs, except the Doctor, who sarcastically mouths along]
Can you blame the TARDIS? The North Pole has big polar bears with big, sharp pointy claws... the South Pole has some flightless birds with beaks that could probably just cause a scratch at best. Which would you pick?
Just imagine how the scientists down there would have reacted to the TARDIS' arrival. The mental image of deeply confused Americans wondering about the sudden appearance of a blue box in the polar night is hilarious.
Depending on just how far Sexy's perceptions extend into the Doctor's personal future, she may well have been scouting the location to refresh her coordinates for where to find One, in preparation for "Twice Upon a Time"! He's due to arrive at that Pole in about three years' time, after all...
Not to mention how it took the Doctor three goes to confess to resetting the HADS without mumbling.
The Doctor wants to know what's going on in the house:
The Doctor: Because I don't know, and ignorance is... what's the opposite of bliss? Clara:Carlisle?
The Doctor taking a selfie picture of himself with the camera that's supposed to be used to take pictures of the ghost.
The TARDIS' continued bitchiness about Clara, picking an image of herself as the person she can best interact with.
Clara, in turn, calling the TARDIS "grumpy old cow".
When the Doctor returns to the TARDIS and sees Clara is upset, the Doctor assumes the TARDIS said something mean and he scolds it like it's a child.
Clara alternating between screaming, cheering, and laughing while flying solo in the TARDIS.
Clara at the end. The Doctor has finally put together what's going on.
The Doctor: How do sharks make babies? Clara:[confused] Carefully.
"Clara and the Tardis":
As a sequel to both "Meanwhile on the Tardis"s, it's guaranteed to have hilarity.
Apparently the Tardis decided to prank Clara with a hologram leopard while she was in the bathroom.
Clara asks the Tardis if she's the first girl the Doctor's brought home. The Tardis responds with noises that we could tell was laughter even without Clara saying as much.
'Dear God, that woman (Amy) is made of legs! That's the most legs on any living human!"
Clara says the Doctor is in a codependent relationship with his sonic screwdriver. She is not wrong.
Clara asks the Tardis who the Doctor would pick: a huge, complicated machine he could fix with a toolkit, or a girl. She ends up agreeing with the old girl's answer.
Clara: Yeah, you're right. Both of them. Using the same toolkit.
Never tell a sentient time machine with a sense of humor to "do your worst"
Clara:[confused] Who the hell are you? Future Clara:[exhausted] You. From tomorrow night.
Cue several future Claras entering the console room in varying stages of exhaustion demanding and begging to know where their bedroom is.
Two of the future Claras have to share a bed. They phrase the statement like a complaint, but neither one seems too upset with the situation.
This doesn't happen in the short, but it would have been hilarious to see the Doctor enter the console room, see the situation, and then slowly back out again.
The exchange between the Doctor and Clara at the beginning:
The Doctor: You said— Clara: I know what I said! I was the one who said it! The Doctor: You said it was looking at you funny! Clara: I was tired and overwrought, I didn't mean it! It's an appliance! It does a job! The Doctor: It's a pretty cool appliance! We're not talking cheese grater here! Clara: You're not getting me to talk to your ship that's probably bonkers! The Doctor:[starts stroking the console] It's OK, it's OK... Clara: Eurgh, you're like one of those guys who can't go out until his mother approves. The Doctor: It's important to me we get along. I can leave you two alone together. Clara: Now you're creeping me out.
Clara complaining about the TARDIS to the Doctor in the beginning of the episode as if she's complaining about a nasty boyfriend. The Doctor's advice? Get along with the TARDIS.
When the three owners of the scavenger ship are quietly debating what to do with the TARDIS, having no idea what it is, a pair of arms loop over their shoulders and the Doctor unexpectedly leans into frame for the first time. You can just see the three guys thinking "WTF??"
"Red flashing light... means something bad. Get out of here fast? Or possibly, whatever you do, don't open this door..." [thinks about it, opens door, *BOOM*] "Bad decision!"
The salvagers' sensors analyzing Clara detect "sass". And "Lancashire".
Clara bumps a Gallifreyan encyclopedia (which apparently exist in bottles) while she's trying to hide. She hurries to stand it upright again while batting at the purple Gallifreyan symbols floating from the bottle like they're annoying bugs.
The Doctor continues to use fake TARDIS self-destructs on the unwary. "The old wiggly-button trick!" indeed.
Starting out with a bit of meta-funny. Mark Gatiss said he wrote the episode specifically for the mother-daughter duo of Dame Diana Rigg and Rachael Stirling. Including the scene where Stirling has to call her mother a hag and hit her over the head with a cane.
Strax: Horse! You have failed in your mission! We are lost, with no sign of Sweetville. Do you have any final words before your summary execution?!
Horse: (neighs)
Strax: (rolls his eyes, sounding absolutely disgusted) The usual story. (hoists weapon) Fourth one this week, and I'm not even hungry.
Right after that scene, a Street Urchin named Thomas Thomas gives Strax directions to Sweetville, sounding like a GPS system due to how accurate his directions sound. (Well of course he sounds like a GPS, he's a TomTom.)
Strax: I think you will do well, Thomas Thomas.
The fact that Strax apparently relies on his horse to guide him to his destination.
The Running Gag of the Doctor preparing to do something clever and Time Lord-y and a human coming in and hitting it with a chair/cane/fist until it is no longer a problem.
The Doctor: Hang on, hang on, I've got a sonic screwdriver! Clara: Yeah? I've got a chair!
The fate of the Red Leech:
Clara: So, what are you going to do with it? The Doctor: Probably take it back to the Jurassic Age, out of harm's way. [Ada promptly beats it to a pulp] The Doctor: ...On the other hand...
Jenny's utter exasperation with the Doctor's refusal to explain anything.
Strax:[eagerly] What now, Madame? We could lay mimetic cluster mines! Vastra: Strax. Strax: Or... dig trenches and fill them with acid! Vastra:Strax! You're overexcited. Have you been eating Miss Jenny's sherbet fancies again? [stern look] Strax:[Beat]...No. Vastra: Go outside and wait for me until I call for you. Strax: But Madame– Vastra:Go! Strax:[leaving in a sulk] I'm going to go and play with my grenades...
The Doctor introducing Clara to Vastra.
Clara: ...what's going on? The Doctor:[hilariously bad accent] Oh, 'aven't ye 'eard, luv? There's trouble a' t'mill. [Beat] ...she's a lizard.
Clara's state when she emerges from the machine. She seems like she's been on something illegal, noting the Doctor like a 4-year-old.
The Mood Whiplash when Ada learns the truth about her scars. Everything up to that point (characterization, mood, setting) would indicate that Ada would simply fall apart or collapse. Instead she gets pissed off.
Ada: You HAG!!!
At the end when Angie and Artie discover Clara's travels with the Doctor:
Artie: Is he an alien? Angie: Why would he be an alien? Artie:The chin.
The fact that Mr. Sweet has his own little table and chair and plate and cutlery is enough to make anyone break into intense laughter.
The Doctor sums up the show in one line again.
The Doctor: Hello, I'm the Doctor, you're nuts and I'm gonna stop you.
For once ("cast down your weapon and surrender, human female!") he actually gets the gender right!
The scene where Mr. Clever talks like Nine and Ten. He even says "Allons-y" in a fake French accent.
The Doctor's chess battle against Mr. Clever is this in spades. Imagine The Seventh Seal (which the chess battle is a blatant Shout-Out to), but with two Doctors fighting each other like two siblings. It's like that.
When Clara wants to know if the children she's babysitting are okay when the Doctor brings them back:
The Doctor: ...Well ...it's complicated. Clara:[archly, holding a BFG]"Complicated"how?! The Doctor: "Complicated" as in... [nervously] ...walking coma. [promptly holds up the chessboard like a shield]
The Doctor outlines the terms of his chess game with Mr. Clever to Clara:
The Doctor: If he wins, I give up my mind and he gets access to all my memories, including the knowledge of time travel; but if I win, he'll break his promises to get out of my head and... kill us all anyway. Clara: That's not reassuring. The Doctor: No. Clara: Please tell me you can fix what happened to the children. The Doctor: Children? Yeah, they're fine. Their brains are just in standby mode right now. Clara:That isnot fine!!
Clara interrupting the Doctor's fake love confession to her by slapping him across the face.
It's probably due to how unbelievably hammy he was, but "Mr. Clever's" announcement that the Cybermen were approaching was hilarious.
At the very climax of the chess match, when the Doctor finally beats Mr. Clever in three moves as promised, the Enemy Within has this hammy morsel of a Villainous Breakdown:
Mr. Clever:[screaming]THAT'SCHEATING!![promptly collapses face-first against the chessboard]
For good measure, there's even several men chanting "Sontar-HA! Sontar-HA!", implying that Strax has quite a good standing at the pub even as he trashes the place with his bare hands and a shovel.
After receiving Vastra's telegram, he asks Archie (his opponent) to render him unconscious. Archie is ready to oblige, but Strax hands him his shovel first.
"Might take a while..."
Vastra assumes that Clara will not be comfortable lighting her prehistoric unconsciousness candle, and takes preemptive measures.
"...However, as I realize you have no reason to trust this letter, I have taken the liberty of embedding the same soporific into the fabric of the paper you are now holding. Speak soon!"
Jenna's just brilliant with her facial expressions. That look on her face right before she collapses was hilarious!
Strax referring to River as "the one with the gigantic head".
River sipping a flute of iced champagne in the conference, when all they were serving was tea (in Vastra's mindscape, no less):
Jenny: How did you do that? River: Disgracefully.
River's reaction when Clara explains that of course the Doctor's mentioned a Professor Song, she just thought it was a man. It's a strange mixture of bewilderment and taking offence.
Her face just screams that she's going to kill him. Again.
The Doctor discovering the Maitland kids have pulled one over on him. Clara wakes up from the conference call to find him wandering around the house blindfolded.
The Doctor: Mr. Maitland went next door, I offered to watch the kids. They wanted to go to the cinema but I said no, I said no, not until you woke up, I was very firm. Clara:[flatly] At which point they suggested Blind Man's Bluff. The Doctor: Yes, where are they? [Clara pulls the blindfold off in a businesslike manner] Clara: At the cinema. The Doctor: Why, the little... Daleks!
Also, the fact that the Doctor (not only a father and grandfather, but also possibly the greatest tactician in the universe) fell for such a transparently obvious ploy.
On River's gravestone:
River:[completely calm] If it isn't my gravestone, then what is it? Clara:[nervous but calm] What do you think that gravestone really is? The Doctor:[busy, as they're about to be attacked] A gravestone? River:[still calm] Maybe it's a false grave? Clara:[getting nervous as the Whispermen approach] Maybe it's a false grave? The Doctor: Yep, maybe! River:[still calm] Maybe it's the secret entrance to the tomb? Clara:MAYBE IT'S THE SECRET ENTRANCE TO THE TOMB! The Doctor: Yes! Of course, makes sense! They'd never bury my wife out here! Clara: Your what?!
This scene gets a lot funnier when it turns out that the Doctor could hear her the whole time.
Strax insisting he has everything under control while a Whisperman is sticking its hand into his chest to grab his heart.
Strax's reaction to the Doctor's tomb, compared to the others:
Clara: But what is it? The light? Jenny: It's beautiful. Strax: Should I destroy it?
The Doctor mentioning how weird it must've looked to Jenny, Strax and Vastra when he was kissing (an invisible to them) River Song. Cut to a shot of the three looking bewildered. To be more specific, the Doctor, whom River thought couldn't see her, finally decided to give her a Tear Jerker and heartwarming kiss, followed by:
only to realize they're in their underwear.The Doctor: Ah! (covers eyes) STOP EVERYTHING!Rory: (groggily) What's going on?Amy: Doctor, bedroom!Rory: We have a rule about the bedroom!("I Am The Doctor"
