Tenth Doctor: Where are you now? Nyssa and Tegan? Cybermen and the Mara and the Time Lords in funny hats and the Master? Oh, he just showed up again, same as ever. Fifth Doctor: Oh no, really? Does he still have that rubbish beard? Tenth Doctor: No, no beard this time. Well, a wife.
Steven Moffatt was, apparently, very proud that he got to make the gay joke after all these years!
And the hilarious:
Fifth Doctor: This is bad. Two minutes to Belgium!
Information: The Heavenly Host's deadpan. Simultaneously terrifying and hilarious.
Host: Information: You are all going to die.
At the beginning, the Doctor comes across Morvin and Foon Van Hoff, a couple who won tickets for the cruise and are being ostracized by the (snobby, rich) rest of the passengers. A gang of them are sitting at the table next to said couple, laughing at them because they fell for a prank and thus are dressed up in cheap cowboy costumes. Then this happens:
Foon: They think we should be in steerage! The Doctor: Well, we can't have that. [he sonics the cork on the jerks' champagne so it pops out, drenching them]
Mr. Copper:[calling for his tour group] Red Six Seven. Red Six Seven. This way, fast as you can. Astrid: I got you that drink. The Doctor: And I got you a treat. Come on. Mr. Copper: Red Six Seven departing shortly. [the Doctor flashes his psychic paper] The Doctor: Red Six Seven plus one. Mr. Copper: Quickly, sir, please, and take two teleport bracelets if you would. [he hands the Doctor two bracelets, and the Doctor passes one to Astrid] Astrid: I'll get the sack. The Doctor: Brand new sky. Mr. Copper: To repeat, I am Mr. Copper, the ship's historian, and I shall be taking you to old London town in the country of U.K., ruled over by Good King Wenceslas. Now, human beings worship the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, the people of U.K. go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner... like savages! [while he's talking, the Doctor's eyebrow slowly slides upwards] The Doctor:[raises hand] Excuse me. Sorry, sorry, but, er, where did you get all this from? Mr. Copper: Well, I have a first class degree in Earthonomics. Now, stand by.
He also thinks Boxing Day is a day for actual boxing.
After this, once they teleport to Earth:
Mr. Copper: Now, spending money. I have a credit card in Earth currency if you want to buy trinkets, or stockings, or the local delicacy, which is known as beef. But don't stray too far, it could be dangerous. Any day now they start boxing.
Apparently, the Doctor was the reason Jesus was born in a manger.
This exchange. Ten's face at the end is priceless.
And then there's the bit near the end when the Doctor discovers that the villain of the week's plan is basically insurance fraud/petty revenge scheme. The Doctor's furious throughout, but the last line is hilarious:
The Doctor: Two thousand people on board, six billion below, all dead. And why? Because Max Capricorn's a loser! Capricorn: I never lose. The Doctor:You can't even sink theTitanic!
Oh, and Capricorn's tooth actually sparkles when the Doctor confronts him in-person.
The Doctor:[surprised] It really does that?
The Doctor's reaction to finally meeting an Alonso.
When the Titanic is about to crash into London, Wilfred Mott just runs out of his newsstand and shakes his fist at the thing.
Wilf: Don't you dare, you aliens! Don't you dare!
Which, considering Donna's his granddaughter and had that whole incident at her wedding (when Wilfred was laid up with Spanish flu), seems like an appropriate reaction.
The TARDIS is trying to get the Doctor and Donna together, which culminates with her materialising behind Donna's car merely seconds after Donna has left. It's almost as if she's just going "For god sakes, just bloody notice each other!"
The Oh, Crap! face Miss Foster gives when the journalist from the Observer asks actual honest-to-God questions.
The scene in the Adipose offices where Donna and the Doctor keep missing each other, especially the part where they keep popping up to look at Miss Foster while she's talking, but since she's standing between them, they don't see each other.
The Doctor's reaction when the female worker he's talking to tries to flirt with him.
The Doctor: What's this? Woman: My phone number. You be health, I'll be safety. The Doctor:[awkwardly] Aahh ahh... but that contravenes Paragraph 5, Subsection C. Sorry.
Mixed with Nightmare Fuel, the whole scene where Stacy, whilst freshening up for a night out in the bathroom, ends up fatally giving birth to a pack of Adipose. What begins as a mild stomach grumble turns into a cacophony of recycled Slitheen fart noises, all the while an oblivious Donna is making quips.
The sight of Stacy's gurgling stomach expanding before an Adipose pops into the bathroom sink.
Donna: You all right up there?
Another Adipose is unfortunate enough to, as we see it poking out of her trousers, pop out of Stacy's bum!
Donna: I like what you've done with the hall.
The horror of Stacy's death, collapsing into a pile of Adipose, is lost when you hear Shaggy's mega fart!
Breaking into Stacy's bathroom, Donna finds Stacy's clothes and a newborn Adipose waving at her before jumping out of the window. Her face is priceless.
Donna, while hiding in the women's toilets, gets a phone call from her mother.
Sylvia: I need the car! Where are you? Donna: I can't. I'm busy! Sylvia: Why are you whispering? Donna:I'm in church! Sylvia:[clearly not believing it] What are you doing in church? Donna:Praying! Sylvia: Well, it's a bit late for that, madam! Wilf:[overhearing]What's she in church for? Sylvia: Hush, you! Go up the hill!
While separately eavesdropping on Miss Foster talking to a captive Penny Carter, Donna and the Doctor see each other for the first time in ages. Just to make it even funnier - Donna is using exceptionally bad sign language the whole way through.
The Doctor:[mouthing] Donna? Donna:[also mouthing] Doctor! The Doctor: Wha... Wha... What? Donna:[eyes widen and jaw drops for a good ten seconds, before...]OH. MY. GOD! The Doctor:[mouths through window] ... How?! Donna:[points at herself] It's me! The Doctor: I can see that! Donna: Oh this is brilliant! The Doctor: What the hell are you doing there? Donna: You! I was looking for you! The Doctor: What for?! Donna:[getting more and more extravagant as she mimes] I was reading... on the internet. This place is weird. Crept along... Heard them talking. [mimes peeking through the window] You! [She gestures and looks toward Miss Foster, who, during this conversation, has gone silent and has her arms folded across her chest, looking bored as she waits for the two to finish talking] Miss Foster:[out loud] Are we interrupting you? [beat] The Doctor:[mouths through glass]RUN!
As he has to rescue Donna, the Doctor clambers in a window - the landing on the other end is anything but elegant as the window only opens vertically and you can see the "Oh, poop, floor!" expression on the Doctor's face as he topples forward; we don't see him hit the floor, but we do hear a rather loud thud implying he failed to land on the carpet at all.
When the Doctor manages to incapacitate Miss Foster and her guards via his sonic screwdriver and her sonic pen:
The Doctor: ... Do you know what happens when you hold two identical sonic devices against each other? Miss Foster:[hesitates] ... No. The Doctor:[cheerfully]Nor me. Let's find out!
Followed by a rather manic grin on Ten's face as he uses both sonic devices to unleash an eardrum-obliterating screech.
The scene when the Doctor starts panicking and starts yelling at Donna that there's nothing she can do. Then she shows him that she has the necklace.
Miss Foster's Oh, Crap! expression as the nursery ship denies her levitation ring looking around, hanging mid-air, like something from a Looney Tunes cartoon. Oh, Gravity Is a Harsh Mistress.
Near the end, Penny walks out, awkwardly because she's still tied to the chair, and lambasts Donna and the Doctor for repeatedly ditching her.
Penny: You two! You're just... mad! You hear me? Mad! And I'm gonna report you for... madness! Donna: Some people just can't take it. And some people can!
During their heartfelt conversation, the Doctor says he just wants a mate, but Donna mishears it as him saying he just wants to mate... and goes back to her annoyed self.
Donna: WELL YOU'RE NOT MATIN' WITH ME, SUNSHINE!
Donna still has her mother's car keys and she packed a crapload of stuff in the car just in case. Planet of the Hats, Donna Noble is ready for you! Credit where it's due to her - neither Rose nor Martha bought clothes on their first time in the TARDIS (though Rose did later on.)
Donna tells Rose to tell Sylvia that the keys are in a bin. Rose, for her part, looks... rather displeased... to have been replaced by Donna.
Donna tries speaking Latin to a Roman to see how the Tardis will translate it. The Tardis responds by trolling her.
Donna: Um, veni, vidi, vici. Roman: Huh? Sorry? [gesturing with his hands patronisingly]Me no...a-speak...a-Celtic. No can do, missy. Donna:[defeated] Yeah. [turning back to the Doctor] How's he mean Celtic? Doctor: Welsh. You sound Welsh. There we are, learned something.
The Doctor describing Ancient Rome as "like Soho, but bigger" in response to Donna asking if their clothes look funny.
Why has the street vendor sold the TARDIS to Caecilius? "MODERN ART!!"
Donna's reaction to being abducted by the Sybilline priestesses:
Donna Noble: You. Have got. To be KIDDING ME! Sister Spurrina:[raises her dagger dramatically] The false prophet will surrender both her blood and her breath! Donna Noble:[tugs frantically at her restraints] Ill surrender you in a minute! Dont you dare! [Spurrina glares at her] Sister Spurrina: You will be silent! Donna Noble: Listen, sister, You might have eyes on the back of your hands, but youll have eyes in the back of your head by the time Ive finished with you! LET ME GO! [The Sisters by now look clearly fed up with their prisoner] Sister Spurrina:[prepares to plunge her dagger into Donna's chest]THIS PRATTLING VOICE SHALL CEASE FOREVER! The Doctor:[appears behind her]Oh, that'll be the day...
The Doctor threatening a Pyrovile with a Walther P38 water pistol. "I'm warning you, I'm armed!" Even more hilariously awesome? It works. Well, not in the killing way, but it sure stings.
Donna: You fought her off with a water pistol! I bloody love you!
The insane amounts of Hilarious in Hindsight due to Karen Gillan (who would go on to play Amy Pond) and Peter Capaldi (who would eventually become the Twelfth Doctor) having roles in the episode, the former as one of the Sybilline Sisters and the latter as Caecilius. Especially since the first time he appears, it's basically the Doctor nicking the TARDIS from his past self.
Any time the Doctor or Donna deliberately invoke the TARDIS translation circuits to see what their Latin phrases translate back into, namely, Celtic:
The Doctor:[cornered by Lucius Petrus Dextrus and his guards] Oh. Morituri te salutant.note If you were wondering, this translates to: we [those] who are about to die salute you. Lucius Petrus Dextrus: Celtic prayers won't help you now...
When they first arrive and see a rocket fly overhead:
Donna: Now that's what I call a spaceship. You've got a box, he's got a Ferrari!
Even funnier if you remember it's a Call-Back to "Utopia", where the Doctor said Jack's Vortex manipulator was a spacehopper compared to the TARDIS' sports car.
When Solana Mercurio is demonstrating the Ood packages to the investors:
Solana: I'd now like to point out a new innovation from Ood Operations. We've introduced a variety package with the Ood Translator Ball. You can now have the "Standard Setting". [to Ood 1] How are you today, Ood? Ood 1:[ordinary Ood voice] I'm perfectly well, thank you. Solana: Or perhaps, after a stressful day, a little something for the gentlemen. [to Ood 2] And how are you, Ood? Ood 2:[sexy female voice] All the better for seeing you. Solana: And the "Comedy Classic" option. [to Ood 3] Ood, you dropped something. Ood 3:[voice of Homer Simpson] D'oh! [everyone in the room laughs] Solana: All that for only five additional credits. The details are in your brochures. Now, there's plenty more food and drink, so don't hold back.
When an Ood calls Donna "Miss": "Why'd you say Miss? Do I look single?"
Especially funny with the Running Gag of people thinking the Doctor and Donna are married.
The climax, as Klineman Halpen is transformed into an Ood thanks to his "hair tonic":
Donna:[in the tone of one just holding onto her sanity] They... they turned him... into an Ood. The Doctor:Yup. Donna: ...He's an Ood! The Doctor:I noticed.
Martha: That's why I thought we needed an expert. The Doctor: Really? Who'd you get? [it takes a moment for him to realize she's talking about him as everyone stares at him] The Doctor:Oh. Right, me. Yes, good.
When Donna tells the Doctor she's going home, he makes a really heartwarming speech, stopping when he realizes she meant that she was going home for a short visit.
Donna: You dumbo. That's what you are. [in a sing-song voice] You great big, outer-space dunce.
Any and all of the times the Doctor and Rattigan try to out-nerd one another - including, but not limited to: "If only that were possible." [Glasses Pull] "Conditional clause."
Sylvia: ...And whereve you been these past few days, lady, after that silly little trick with the car keys? I phoned Veena and she said she hadnt seen hide nor hair. Donna: Ive just been travelling. Sylvia:[scoffs] Oh, hark at her, Michael Palin. [Donna and Wilf share a look, and he breaks out laughing] Are you staying for tea, because I havent got anything in. Ive been trying to keep your granddad on that macrobiotic diet, but he sneaks off and gets pork pies at the petrol station. Dont deny it, Ive seen the wrappers in the car. Oh, I dont miss a trick. Now then, what were you going to tell me? What dont I know?
For that matter, nor is she happy with the Doctor returning:
Sylvia: I don't know, men and their cars! Sometimes I think if I was a car... [she catches sight of the Doctor, working on her ATMOS] Oh, it's you! Doctor... what was it? The Doctor:[cheerfully waving, his head buried under the hood] Yeah, that's me. Wilfred: What, have you met him as well? Sylvia: Dad! It's the man from the wedding! When you were laid up with Spanish flu! I'm warning you, last time that man turned up it was a disaster! [at that moment, the Doctor's fiddling with the ATMOS converter in the car causes it to activate, emitting thick gas] The Doctor: Get back! [He fiddles with his sonic screwdriver and disables the converter] Thatll stop it. Sylvia: I told you. [gestures wildly at the Doctor] Hes blown up the car! Who is he, anyway? What sort of doctor blows up cars? Donna: Oh, not now, Mum... Sylvia: Oh, should I make an appointment?
The Doctor borrows Henry van Statten's oafishly contrived pun when he finds out where the teleporter in Rattigan's office goes to: the Sontaran ship.
General Staal: We have an intruder! The Doctor: How'd he get in? In-tru-da window? [beat] Buh-bye! [teleports back to Earth]
"I'm really glad you didn't say 'belittle', 'cause then I'd have a field day."
The Doctor gets bored watching the Sontarans do their "SONTAR-HA!" "SONTAR-HA!"s, mutters, "Give me a break" and rolls his eyes, and turns the TV over to cartoons. The soldiers are shocked how calm he is about it. One wonders if, when he was told of this, the Brigadier nearly died laughing? These soldiers can barely handle one Doctor. According to the extended universe, The Brigadier has met all thirteen of them and, in the end, died peacefully in bed!
Colonel Mace: Doctor. I would seriously recommend that this dialogue is handled by official Earth representation. [the Doctor sonics the channel back to the Sontaran ship, where the Sontarans have finally fallen silent] The Doctor: Finished! General Staal: You will not be so quick to ridicule when you'll see our prize. Behold! [he gestures to the TARDIS behind him] We are the first Sontarans in history to capture a TARDIS! The Doctor: Oh. Well. As prizes go, that's... noble. As they say in Latin, Donna nobis pacem.
When it's revealed to Rattigan that he was nothing more than a pawn that has outlived his usefulness after the deployment of the ATMOS system, Rattigan, after getting (rightfully) upset that he almost lead the brightest on Earth to their deaths, takes the time to point out "ATMOS system" is a redundant acronym. The Sontarans promptly attempt to execute him.
Because of the smoke, the Doctor and everyone else around are wearing gas masks...
Donna: Generated anomaly? Jenny-rated. Well what about that? Jenny! Jenny: Jenny. Yeah, I like that, Jenny. Donna: What do you think, Dad? The Doctor: Good as anything, I suppose. Donna: Not what you'd call a natural parent, are you? The Doctor: They stole a tissue sample at gunpoint and processed it, it's not what I call natural parenting! Donna: Rubbish! My friend Nerys fathered twins with a turkey baster, don't bother her. The Doctor: You can't extrapolate a relationship from a biological accident. Donna: Er, Child Support Agency can. The Doctor: Look, just because I share certain physiological traits with simian primates doesn't make me a monkey's uncle! Does it? Jenny:I'm not a monkey! or a child.
After Jenny seduces a guard to get them out of their cell, Donna offer to use her "feminine wiles" to distract another guard. The Doctor asks her to save her wiles for later, then distracts him with a wind-up mouse.
The Hath petting Martha, much to her discomfort.
"What are you going to do? Tell my dad?"
Consider: she is doing exactly what her dad did. Steal a spaceship/time machine and run away!
Donna yelling at Jenny when she calls Martha "collateral damage" though it also counts as a Moment of Awesome.
Her lampshading the idea of Agatha being involved in a murder mystery:
Donna: Yeah, but think about it. There's a murder, a mystery, and Agatha Christie. The Doctor: So? Happens to me all the time. [he smells the slime then holds it under Donna's nose] Donna: No, but isn't that a bit weird? Agatha Christie didn't walk around surrounded by murders. Not really. I mean, that's like meeting Charles Dickens, and he's surrounded by ghosts. At Christmas. The Doctor:Well... Donna: Oh, come on! It's not like we could drive across country and find Enid Blyton having tea with Noddy. Could we? Noddy's not real. Is he? Tell me there's no Noddy! The Doctor: There's no Noddy.
Then giving Agatha the idea for one of her more notable mystery titles:
Agatha Christie: No alibis for any of them. The Secret Adversary remains hidden. We must look for a motive. Use ze little grey cells.
The Doctor: Oh, yes, little grey cells. Good 'ole Poirot. [reclines in a chair] Yep, I've been to Belgium. Yeah... I remember. [flashback of the Doctor, carrying a bow and arrows, hacking his way through underbrush with a machete] I was deep in the Ardennes, trying to find Charlemagne. He'd been kidnapped by an insane computer. Agatha Christie: Doctor? Doctor! The Doctor:[snaps out] Sorry? Agatha Christie: Charlemagne lived centuries ago. The Doctor: I've got a very good memory.
Judging by what he's wearing and the objects he's carrying, apparently this was the "four things and a lizard" incident that he and Martha were involved with when they met Sally Sparrow. Four things, a lizard, Charlemagne... and an insane computer.
The Doctor gives Donna a large, dorky-looking magnifying glass when asking her to search upstairs.
Donna: Is that for real? The Doctor: Come on, you're never so plucky!
After Donna sees a giant wasp:
Donna: There's a giant wasp! The Doctor: What do you mean a "giant wasp"? Donna: I mean a WASP, that's GIANT! Agatha Christie: It's only a silly little insect. Donna: When I say giant, I don't mean big! I mean FLIPPING ENORMOUS!! Look at its sting! [points to the giant stinger sticking through the door; cue Agatha giving a "What the fuck?" look and the Doctor giving an "Oooh, alien!" look]
The Doctor gets poisoned. His Bizarre Alien Biology allows him to stimulate the inhibited enzymes into reversal. So he frantically downs a bottle of ginger beer and a jar of walnuts only to end up playing a game of charades with Donna as his mouth is too full to tell her what else he needs to expel the poison:
[the Doctor makes muffled noises while making a shaking motion] Donna: I can't understand you! How many words? [the Doctor holds up one finger] Donna: One! One word! Shake, milk-shake, milk! Milk! No? Not milk! Um, shake, shake, shake! Cocktail shaker! What d'you want, a Harvey Wallbanger? The Doctor: HARVEY WALLBANGER?! Donna: WELL, I DON'T KNOW! The Doctor:[growing furiously desperate]HOW IS HARVEY WALLBANGER ONE WORD?! Agatha Christie: What do you need, Doctor? The Doctor: Salt! I was miming salt! I need salt! I need something salty! Donna:[grabs a bag from the counter] What about this? The Doctor: What is it? Donna Noble: Salt! The Doctor: That's too salty! Donna: Oh, that's too salty! Agatha Christie: What about this? [hands the Doctor a jar and he upends it, eating the contents] Donna: What's that? Agatha Christie: Anchovies.
Even funnier if you realise that "ginger beer" is actually common English rhyming slang for "homosexual"... and notice which character the Doctor aims it at: Davenport, the gay servant.
The entire first half of the interrogation scene. Particularly when Agatha asks the Colonel, who promptly blurts out that he can walk, only to find that Agatha was going to say "You're completely innocent." Followed by Donna's interjections about who killed who.
"Confound you, blasted woman. You've rumbled me."
After the Colonel's able-bodiedness is revealed, there's his awkward sitting back down and trying to act like nothing ever happened.
The Doctor and Donna spend most of the episode basically just being friends, enjoying cocktails, solving a murder mystery and generally having a fucking blast at the fact that they've just met Agatha Christie and there is a massive wasp involved.
When the Doctor compliments Donna on her door-kicking abilities, she says the element of surprise comes in handy with boyfriends.
The Doctor: Oh, you're not, are you? Tell me you're not archaeologists. River: Got a problem with archaeologists? The Doctor: I'm a time traveller. I point and laugh at archaeologists. River:[grins and holds her hand out] Professor River Song. Archaeologist.
"If you understand me, look very, very scared." No one is scared.
Donna and the Doctor being handed Lux's contracts and simultaneously tearing them apart. River later reveals that she did the same too. River, your twelve is showing!
Lux notices that Other Dave is sealing the door because the Doctor told him to, and this happens.
Lux: What are you doing? Other Dave: He said seal the door. Lux: What, you're taking orders from him? The Doctor:[walking over] Torch! [Lux holds up his torch and the Doctor takes it] The Doctor: Spooky, isn't it?
Not even threat of sudden violent demise stops River from being River. As seen when she tells Strackman Lux to put his helmet back on. He does so.
Lux: Professor Song, why am I the only one wearing my helmet? River:[without missing a beat] Because I don't fancy you.
"Oh, I'm pretty-boy!"
Donna: Yes! Ooh, that came out a bit quick, didn't it?
The lead up to that is a moment in its own right. After River calls The Doctor "Pretty Boy" the first time, Donna just stops and watches him with a hilarious knowing look, waiting for him to figure it out.
This episode becomes even funnier when you remember that River sent the message to Twelve. Can you imagine Twelve... in a library full of books... with giant eyebrows of death? The Vashta Nerada would die of terror...
The Doctor: Alright, I give up. I'll be back for dinner, we'll try that anti-gravity restaurant. With bibs. Donna: It's a date. Well, not a date. Oh, you know what I mean. Oh get off.
Before everything goes to hell, Mr. Cane's story about the abstract swimming pool on a past vacation.
Despite being a very creepy episode, the Doctor and Sky talking at once was kinda funny:
The Doctor and Sky: Just stop it, all of you. Stop it, please. Now then, Sky. Are you Sky? Is Sky still in there? Mrs Silvestry? You know exactly what I'm going to say. How are you doing that? Roast beef. Bananas. The Medusa Cascade. [beat]BANG! Rose Tyler, Martha Jones, Donna Noble, TARDIS. Shamble bobble dibble dooble. Oh, Doctor, you're so handsome. Yes, I am, thank you. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O. First she repeats, then she catches up. What's the next stage?
Jethro the space emo kid being so deadpan and, at best, morbidly fascinated with the whole freaky situation.
Donna gets frustrated by her housemates singing during the night. She's telling them off until she spots her granddad in the group. Then she joins in and they all sing "Bohemian Rhapsody".
Rose describing the Doctor: "Tall, thin man, great hair. Some really great hair."
Donna, having entered the TARDIS, is gaping at its Bigger on the Inside nature... and then she catches her dropped jaw and hurriedly snaps her mouth shut.
UNIT Captain Magambo providing Donna with the gear she will need for her mission.
"Keep the jacket on at all times, it's insulation against temporal feedback. [offers watch]This will correspond to local time wherever you land. [offers ordinary glass of water]This... is to combat dehydration."
The Doctor and Donna step out of the TARDIS, to be confronted by a bunch of Judoon who bark at them in the Judoon lingo... only for the Doctor to snap right back at them in the same language!
The TARDIS usually translates everything. The fact that she doesn't translate implies that neither side is being... how shall we phrase it? ...civil... to one another.
The Shadow Architect declares that the Doctor will lead them to war against whomever stole the Earth. The Doctor looks at her shiftily and says he'll just get his key, leading to the TARDIS dematerializing while she just shouts helplessly.
In what is basically a war meeting of the Children of Time, Jack compliments Sarah Jane on her investigative work and her lovely appearance. She appears flattered and Harriet Jones, Former Prime Ministernote Yes, we know who she is., has to stop the flirting.
Harriet: Not now, Captain.
When the Daleks invade Harriet Jones' house:
Harriet: Harriet Jones, former Prime Minister! Daleks:Yes, we know who you are.
Sarah Jane getting caught by the Daleks has this exchange.
Sarah: I surrender! I'm sorry! Daleks:Daleks do not accept apologies! Exterminate!
Jack chastising Ianto for watching Paul O'Grady in the middle of a crisis.
Paul O'Grady: Do you know what, I look up and there's all these moons and things. Have you seen them? Did you see them? I thought, what was I drinking last night, furniture polish?
Daleks:Extermineren! Extermineren! Dalek:HALT! Sonst werden wir Sie extermineren, Sie sind jetzt Gefangene der Daleks! ("Stop, or otherwise we will exterminate you, you are now prisoners of the Daleks!")
German speakers have found it funny that even though the Daleks want to murder you and everyone you love, they're still polite enough to use the formal "Sie" for "you".
When Sarah Jane, Jackie and Mickey surrender to the Daleks to get to the Crucible, Jackie drops her gun and surrenders, followed by Mickey, who stops and kisses his gun before he drops it and looks incredibly reluctant to be giving it up.
We get this exchange between Jack and Mickey:
Jack:[after bursting out of an air vent] Just my luck. I climb through two miles of ventilation shafts, chasing life signs on this thing, and who do I find Mickey Mouse! Mickey: You can talk, Captain Cheesecake. [they laugh, and hug] Jack:[still hugging] Good to see ya and that's beefcake. Mickey:[looking very uncomfortable] And that's enough hugging.
The birth of the Metacrisis Doctor-clone (dubbed "Handy" by fans).
"Handy" the Doctor-clone proves to still have many of the Doctor's qualities.
Handy:[hushed, but really fast] Sssh! No-one knows we're here, gotta keep quiet! Silent running! Like on submarines where they can't even drop a spanner. Don't drop a spanner. I like blue, what'd you think? Donna: You. Are. Bonkers. Handy:Why, what's wrong with blue? Donna: Is that what Time Lords do?! Lop a bit off, grow another one? You're like worms!
The scenes with Donna and "Handy" in the TARDIS.
Handy: I grew... Out of you. [looks Donna up and down] Still, could be worse. Donna: Oi! Watch it, Spaceman! Handy: Oi! Watch it, Earthgirl! [they both gasp] Handy: I sound like you! I sound all... All sort of... Rough. Donna: Oi! Handy:Oi! Donna:OI! Handy: Spannersssssh!
When "Handy" finds out he's only got one heart.
Donna: It's like you're human! Handy:[makes a face] Oh, that's disgusting! Donna: Oi! Handy: Oi! Donna:Stop it!
There's something hilarious about the way Davros says that he and the Daleks have an "arrangement" when confronted with the Doctor about what his role is in this invasion. And then to top it all off, the Doctor loudly exclaims that Davros is the Daleks' pet!
The Doctor: What?! Who invented that?! ... well, someone named Osterhagen, I suppose...
When the Doctor-Donna disables the Daleks' weaponry, one of them looks down at its now-useless gun with an electronic squawk of alarm. One that sounds suspiciously like "DERP!"
The funniest thing (perhaps in the entire fourth series) was the entire Dalek race, the most feared beings in the cosmos, spinning uncontrollably in circles while crying out in distress.
This all happens while their leader stares at the insanity, demanding to know just what the hell is going on.
Supreme Dalek:What is happening?! Explain! Explain! EXPLAIN!
When the Daleks are spinning wildly out of control, Jack kicks one that gets too close, sending it spinning out of control, Martha shoves another, and then Rose and Sarah Jane, after a quick get together to say how happy they are to see one another again, shove a third... right towards Jackie... who casually steps aside to let it crash.
Hell, that whole sequence. After being the single most terrifying foe that's been leveled against the Doctor in the revival series, rivaled only by the Master, watching the Doctor-Donna put them through a Humiliation Conga effortlessly was both awesome and hilarious.
Jack's response to the metacrisis that created "Handy" and Doctor-Donna.
The Doctor and the Next Doctor, being dragged around by a Cyberman-thingy.
Next Doctor: Perhaps if you could pull? The Doctor: I am pulling! In this position, I couldn't not pull, could I!?
The Doctor really hopes he doesn't die by tripping over a brick. "Then again, painless."
The other Doctor's demonstration of his sonic screwdriver. More specifically, he takes out a regular screwdriver. The proper Doctor asks how it's sonic and the other Doctor taps it against the door frame and says, "It makes a noise. That's sonic, isn't it?"
The Doctor trying to lie about his sonic screwdriver by claiming he is whistling. Complete with a whistled imitation of the noise, which is actually pretty close to the mark.
The revelation of his pocket watch which, in a slow and dramatic opening, is revealed to be... an ordinary, broken fob watch. [Sproing!]
The Doctor: I wonder. I can't help noticing you're wearing a fob watch. Next Doctor: Is that important? The Doctor: Legend has it that the memories of a Time Lord can be contained within a watch. D'you mind? It's said... that if it's opened... [SPROING] Oh. Maybe not.
And then we have the ever-so-rare instance of a Cyberman being a Deadpan Snarker:
Miss Hartigan: But you said I would never be converted! Cyberman:That was designated: a lie.
In the scene where the Doctor first makes contact with Captain Magambo, he's somehow able to figure out that she just saluted him. Over the phone. She denies it.
Malcolm says that he's fine, he just has a sore throat, upon being told the Doctor is on the line.
While talking to a rambling Malcolm for the first time:
The Doctor: Right... Fine... But um, before I die of old age, which in my case would be quite an achievement so congratulations on that is there anyone else I can talk to?
The Doctor compliments Malcolm:
The Doctor: And Malcolm? Malcolm: Yes? The Doctor: You're my new best friend.
The doctor likes him because he has, finally, found someone who is as much of a nerd as him.
A scene that turns a regular Doctor Who extra into a one-scene wonder.
The Doctor: Gold. Christina! Christina: Oh no you don't. The Doctor: Christina, what is it worth now? Barclay:[interrupting] Hey, hey! Use this! [holds out his watch] The Doctor: I said gold. Barclay: It is gold. The Doctor: Oh, they saw you coming. [turns back to Christina]
The exchange is well written, but it's really the actor playing Barclay who sells it.
Apparently, the Queen doesn't mind that the Doctor parked the TARDIS in the Buckingham Palace garden, implying that this is not the first time that's happened.
Towards the end of the special, the Doctor helps the Classy Cat-Burglar who helped him escape from the Inspector Javert police officer who arrested her. The officer chases after her, screaming that he'll charge her with resisting arrest, at which point the Doctor butts in. This exchange occurs:
DI MacMillan: I'm charging you too! Aiding and abetting! The Doctor: Yes, I'll just step inside this police box and... arrest myself.
This exchange in the beginning between the Doctor and Adelaide.
Adelaide: State your name, rank, and intention. The Doctor: The Doctor... ah... [pauses a moment] Doctor... [pauses to think] Fun.
For the Filipinos who've seen the episode, the mention that the Philippines is actually building a Mars rocket (which, by implication, means that the Philippines is a world power in the Doctor Who universe) is absolutely hilarious since a common part of Philippine humour is referring to how everything in the country is a definition of Third World suckage. Not exactly the first time that's happened, either; the Fourth Doctor makes reference to being with the Filipino army when they marched on Reykjavik in "The Talons of Weng-Chiang".
After Wilf shows the Doctor the book Donna gave him by Joshua Naismith, Sylvia comes outside to see what's going on and is shocked to see the Doctor. Then they hear Donna approaching, leading to everyone exiting round the back of the house, so when Donna comes to the French doors, she doesn't find anyone, and wonders if they're playing hide-and-seek as she closes the door.
Sylvia: Dad, what are you up t [sees the Doctor] ...Get out of here! The Doctor: Merry Christmas. Sylvia: ...Merry Christmas.
How Wilf convinces the Doctor to let him tag along.
The Doctor:[as Wilfred tries to enter the TARDIS] What are you doing? Wilf: I'm coming with you! The Doctor: No, you're not! [Wilf looks toward Sylvia, who's advancing, still shouting at them] Wilf: Well, you're not leaving me with her. The Doctor:[sees the shrieking Sylvia approaching and decides that he's not horrible enough to leave Wilf with an admittedly terrifying Sylvia] ... Fair enough. [opens the door]
Donna comes out of her house to find her mother apparently shouting at thin air. Simultaneously hilarious and sad at the same time.
Sylvia:[as the TARDIS dematerializes] Don't you dare! I'm warning you, bring my father back right now! Come back here, I said! Donna:[exiting the house and motioning with her fingers] Are you shouting at thin air? Sylvia: Yes... possibly.
And then there's Wilf's reaction to the TARDIS. The Doctor's expecting the usual Bigger on the Inside line, but Wilf just says that he expected it to be cleaner.
The Doctor:Cleaner?! I could take you back home right now!
Wilf: Listen Doctor, if this is a time machine, that man you're chasing, why can't you just pop back to yesterday and catch him? The Doctor: I can't go back inside my own timeline, I have to stay relative to the Master within the causal nexus. Understand? Wilf: Not a word. The Doctor:[shakes Wilf's hand] Welcome aboard.
"Shimmer!" David Tennant's delivery of this line is hilarious, and the way the Doctor effortlessly turns off the Vinvocci's glamour adds to it.
The Master: The human race was always your favourite, Doctor, but now, there is no human race. There is only... the Master race!
The fact that you-know-who's Evil Plan seems to be entirely for the sake of that Incredibly Lame Pun (well, okay, no it's not) makes it even funnier. The pun is even worse than you think. Think about what the Master Race really means. He just went and turned the entire planet into blonde Anglo Saxons.
There's another great one that most viewers may not notice during that sequence when we see the Masters gathering in the streets and around buildings, one of them throws a hat in the air, graduation-style. Another Master picks up the hat, examines it, then puts it on and starts dancing badly.
"Breaking News: I'm everyone! And everyone in the world, is me!"
The Master even overrides Barack Obama. "I'm President! President of the United States!" His Presidential coup is greeted with enthusiastic applause from a press pool full of crossdressing Masters.
President Master: Oh, financial solution? Deleted!
The moment immediately after the Doctor enters the chamber to save Wilf, and after all the high drama and epic angst and the Doctor grandly sacrificing himself to save Wilf, the radiation blasts down... and nothing happens. For a few seconds after, there's an absolutely hilarious moment of anti-climax where the Doctor and Wilf, obviously having expected something a lot more dramatic to result from all the preamble, kind of shuffle awkwardly and sheepishly in front of each other. Of course, a moment later we learn the Doctor is dying and it becomes sad again, but still.
Followed moments later by one of the last things most people would say upon realizing the craft they're piloting is crashing to Earth at terminal velocity (and on fire, to boot). But this is the Doctor we're talking about, so go figure.