- Picking up from where the last episode left off, we see how Donna ended up in the TARDIS: she's walking down the aisle at her wedding when she suddenly begins to turn into gold dust, which then shoots up through the church ceiling, makes its way to the TARDIS, and reassembles her in the console room.The Doctor: What...?
[Donna turns around and gasps]
The Doctor: What?
Donna: Who are you?
The Doctor: But...
Donna: [now annoyed] Where am I?!
The Doctor: What?!
Donna: [now angry] What the hell is this place?!
The Doctor: ...WHAT?! You can't do that, I wasn't... we're in flight! That is... that is physically impossible! How did...??
Donna: [commandingly] Tell me where I am! I demand you tell me, right now, WHERE AM I?!
The Doctor: [stares at her] Inside the TARDIS.
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: The TARDIS.
Donna: The what?
The Doctor: The TARDIS! [turns to the controls]
Donna: The what??
The Doctor: [exasperated] It's called the TARDIS!
Donna: [angrily] That's not even a proper word! You're just saying things!
The Doctor: How did you get in here?
Donna: Well, obviously, when you kidnapped me! Who was it? Who's paying you?! Is it Nerys? Oh, my God, she's finally got me back. This has got Nerys written all over it! [the Doctor is so flabbergasted he can't even muster up a response to her ranting]
The Doctor: Who the hell is Nerys?
Donna: Your best friend!
The Doctor: Hold on, wait a minute... [finally notices Donna's wedding dress] What're you dressed like that for?
Donna: I'm going ten pin bowling. WHY DO YOU THINK, DUMBO?! I was halfway up the aisle! [the Doctor begins to fiddle with the controls while she walks around, ranting] I've been waiting all my life for this. I was just seconds away! And then you... I dunno, you drugged me or something!
The Doctor: I haven't done anything!
Donna: We're having the police on you! Me and my husband, as soon as he is my husband, we're gonna sue the living backside off ya!
- She tries to leave, and the Doctor has to stop her from falling out into space. After shutting the TARDIS doors:The Doctor: But I don't understand it and I understand everything! This... this can't happen! There is no way a human being can lock itself onto the TARDIS and transport itself inside. It must be... [suddenly he's all energy, he grabs an ophthalmoscope and uses it to look into Donna's eyes, all the while muttering an endless flow of technobabble; Donna is stuck silent with confusion] Impossible. Some sort of subatomic connection? Something in the temporal field? Maybe something pulling you into alignment with the Chronon shell. Maybe something macro mining your DNA within the interior matrix. Maybe a genetic- [Donna slaps him] What was that for?!
Donna: GET ME TO THE CHURCH!
The Doctor: [drops his instruments and going back to the controls] Right! Fine! I don't want you here anyway! Where is this wedding?
Donna: Saint Mary's, Hayden Road, Chiswick, London, England, Earth, the Solar System!
- It's a borderline tearjerker, but Donna accuses the Doctor of abducting other women upon finding Rose's blouse.
- She tries to leave, and the Doctor has to stop her from falling out into space. After shutting the TARDIS doors:
- While the Doctor tries to figure out what's happened, he at one point asks Donna if her fiancé is a Slitheen.The Doctor: Are you sure he's human? He's not a bit overweight with a zip round his forehead, is he?
- Donna realizes she's going to miss her wedding reception, and the Doctor asks if she has a phone to contact her loved ones.Donna: I'm in my wedding dress! It doesn't have pockets. Who has pockets? Have you ever seen a bride with pockets? When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, the one thing I forgot to say is "GIVE ME POCKETS!"
The Doctor: [taken aback] This man you're marrying, what's his name?
Donna: [suddenly all loved-up] Lance.
The Doctor: Good luck, Lance....
Donna: [back to angry] OI! No stupid Martian is gonna stop me from getting married. To hell with you! [runs off]
The Doctor: [feebly] I'm... I'm not... I'm not... I'm not from Mars! [chases after her]
- The Doctor and Donna try and fail to hail a taxi. Emphasis on "fail". And "try" as well.Donna: Taxi! [it drives past] Why's his light on?
The Doctor: There's another one!
Donna: TAXI! Oi! [another drives past with its For Hire light on]
The Doctor: There's one!
The Doctor: Do you have this effect on everyone? Why aren't they stopping?
Donna: They think I'm in fancy dress. [one cab drives by, tooting]
First Cabbie: [miming holding a liquor bottle] Stay off the sauce, darling!
Donna: They think I'm drunk. [Two men in a car shout at Donna as they drive by in the other direction]
Both men: YOU'RE FOOLING NO ONE, MATE!
Donna: [throws her hands up] They think I'm in drag!
The Doctor: Hold on, hold on. [the Doctor does a very piercing wolf whistle and a taxi responds]
- ...And their situation goes from bad to worse because they don't have cash, and it's double rates due to the holiday, so the cabbie boots them to the curb.
- The Doctor and Donna try and fail to hail a taxi. Emphasis on "fail". And "try" as well.
- Finally Donna manages to get to a payphone, which the Doctor sonics so she doesn't have to pay while he goes to grab cash from an ATM.Donna: Mum, get off the phone and listen. I'm in... [looks around] Oh, my God... I dunno where I am! It's... it's a street. And there's a WH Smith... but it's definitely Earth.
- The Doctor tries to get money from an ATM, but he ends up stuck behind another guy who's being irritably slow, leading to a moment of the Doctor hopping up and down on both feet in impatience. By the time the man leaves, the pilot fish are closing in, so he has to use his sonic screwdriver to cause the ATM to release an explosion of cash, resulting in a frantic crowd rushing to grab any banknotes they can get, distracting the pilot fish.
- The Doctor trying to convince Donna to jump out of the Santa-driven cab into the TARDIS.The Doctor: Listen to me. Youve got to jump!
Donna: Im not jumping on a motorway!
The Doctor: Whatever that thing is, it needs you! And whatever it needs you for, its not good! Now, come on!
Donna: I'm in my wedding dress!
The Doctor: Yes, you look lovely! COME ON!
- During Donna's rescue, two kids sitting in the back seat of a car are watching it all go down, and they are REALLY getting into it. They start mouthing "jump!" when the Doctor tells Donna to jump and cheer when she finally does it.
- Once the Doctor lands Donna safely away from the kidnapping attempt, he parks the TARDIS on the roof, and promptly has to put out a fire with his extinguisher because for a spaceship, it doesn't fly all that much. During the subsequent conversation:Donna: Wish you had a time machine. Then we could go back and get it right.
The Doctor: Yeah, yeah. But even if I did, I couldnt go back on someones personal timeline. Apparently.
- Donna's reply to the Doctor wondering why she's being targeted by the pilot fish:The Doctor: The question is, what did camouflaged robot mercenaries want with you? And how did you get inside the TARDIS? What's your job?
Donna: I'm a secretary.
The Doctor: [starts scanning Donna with the sonic screwdriver] Weird... I mean, you're not special, you're not powerful, you're not connected, you're not clever, you're not important...
Donna: This friend of yours, just before she left, did she punch you in the face? [slaps away the screwdriver] Stop bleeping me!
- Donna's reply to the Doctor wondering why she's being targeted by the pilot fish:
- The Doctor explains H.C. Clements' ties to Torchwood, and finds that Donna seems to have a habit of missing out on big extraterrestrial events:The Doctor: This might just be a locksmiths, but HC Clements was brought up twenty-three years ago by the Torchwood Institute.
Donna: Who are they?
The Doctor: They were behind the battle of Canary Wharf. [blank silence from Donna] Cyberman invasion. [still blank silence] Skies over London full of Daleks?
Donna: Oh, I was in Spain.
The Doctor: they had Cybermen in Spain.
Donna: Scuba diving. [The Doctor makes a face that suggests he's more concerned about her inattentiveness to alien events than the whole huon particles matter]
The Doctor: The big picture, Donna, you keep on missing it...
- The flashbacks to how Donna met Lance.
- Donna's sudden marriage proposal is met with a horrified look from Lance and a dramatic Scare Chord. Faux Horrific at its finest (up until The Reveal, that is).Donna: And he nagged... and he nagged me
[switch to flashback of Donna chasing Lance down a stairway]
Donna: Go on, just think about it! We'd make a great couple! And I'd get rid of the dog... and we could do up that back bedroom...
- Donna's sudden marriage proposal is met with a horrified look from Lance and a dramatic Scare Chord. Faux Horrific at its finest (up until The Reveal, that is).
- The Doctor gets Donna to her reception, which is already in full swing. Cue the record scratch as everyone takes notice of her:Donna: You had the reception without me?!
Lance: Donna... what happened to ya? [long uncomfortable silence]
Donna: [raising her voice a notch] You had the reception WITHOUT ME?!
[very VERY uncomfortable silence]
The Doctor: [cheerfully] Hello! I'm the Doctor.
[Even more uncomfortable silence]
Donna: [turns to him] They had the reception without me!
The Doctor: Yes, I gathered.
Nerys: Well, it was all paid for, why not?
Donna: [annoyed] Thank you, Nerys!
Sylvia: [approaches Donna] Well what were we supposed to do? I got your silly little message in the end. "I'm on Earth." Very funny. But what the hell happened? How did you do it? I mean, what's the trick because I'd love to know
[The whole room starts talking at the same time until all Donna can hear is an incomprehensible babble of voices, so she abruptly bursts into fake tears, at which their anger melts into pity. Lance hugs her and she cries into his shoulder. Everyone applauds, and then Donna casts a knowing wink at the Doctor, who smirks back at her.]
- Ten is reunited with his first true foe: the Christmas Trees OF DEATH!! Now with exploding Christmas ornaments.
- The Doctor's defeat of the Santas and exploding ornaments:The Doctor: [taking the stage] OI! Santa! Word of advice. If youre attacking a man with a sonic screwdriver, [grabs the mike] dont let him near the sound system! [jams the sonic into the sound deck, sending high pitched sonic waves throughout the room that take out all of the pilot fish]
- The Doctor's defeat of the Santas and exploding ornaments:
- "Oh, look! Transport!" Cut to the Doctor, Donna and Lance riding through the secret basement in Segways. The Doctor and Donna are absolutely pissing themselves with laughter!
- On finding the huge pit in the floor of the Torchwood lab, Donna's wonders if it's dinosaurs. Living in the centre of the Earth.Donna: Just tryin' to help.
The Doctor: That's not helping!
- Given the nature of time travel, it probably has happened to the Doctor already... or will happen to him in the future.
- They're called Silurians. Or Homo Reptilia. Same difference.
- The Doctor later gets slapped again by Donna when he's trying to explain how the huon particles work:The Doctor: Because the particles are inert, they need something living to catalyse inside and that's you. Saturate the body and then... Ha! (Donna jumps out of her skin and the Doctor is all mad enthusiasm again). The wedding! Yes, you're getting married, that's it! Best day of your life, walking down the aisle, oh, your body's a battleground! There's a chemical war inside! Adrenaline, acetylcholine, wham go the endorphins, oh you're cooking! Yeah, you're like a walking oven! A pressure cooker, a microwave, all churning away, the particles reach boiling point, SHAZAM! [Donna slaps him] WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?!
Donna: [annoyed] Are you enjoying this?
- The Racnoss Empress, who keeps making really bad puns. And just devouring the scenery in general.
- The Empress attempting to get Donna and Lance to say their own terrible pun.Empress: DO YOU WANT TO BE RELEASED?!
Lance and Donna: YES!
Empress: [annoyed] YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "I DO"!!!!!
- The Empress attempting to get Donna and Lance to say their own terrible pun.
- The Doctor trying to catch Donna... which culminates her hitting the wall and landing on her back, accompanied by a very Looney Tunes-esque clang and a blank look from the Empress.The Doctor: Oh! Sorry...
Donna: [pan to her lying flat on the ground] Thanks... for nothing!
- Martha is on her way to work when the Doctor abruptly walks up in front of her, takes off his tie and waves it at her while saying, "Like so! See?" It's completely bizarre and rather out-of-character for the Doctor to do. But then, as Martha and the other medical students are doing the rounds, they find the Doctor posing as a patient. Martha asks him about their encounter that morning, and the Doctor denies that it was him as he has been in bed all morning. Then, at the end of the episode, the Doctor mentions that he can travel through time, and Martha asks him to prove it. He goes into the TARDIS, and when he returns, he's holding his tie in his hand with a grin on his face. "Told ya."
- The Doctor, spying on the Judoon beginning their scan of the patients in the lobby, lights up like a kid on Christmas day when he realizes, "Oh, look at that! They've got a little shop! I like a little shop."
- Florence Finnegan has prepared herself for when the Judoon show up looking for her. Hell, she even has brought a bendy straw to drink her victims' blood.
- Martha sees the Doctor using his sonic screwdriver and trying to get into the hospital records.
- "Judoon platoon upon the Moon." Just sounds like a pun? Davies threw that line in because Tennant is Scottish, just to make him say as many "oo" sounds as possible.
- Even though it becomes a "Funny Aneurysm" Moment following the events of "The End of Time", there's the Doctor hopping around on one foot trying to get the radiation out of him.The Doctor: Ow, ow, itchy, itchy, itchy... [shakes foot wildly, hopping around on one foot, before pulling his shoe off and binning it triumphantly]
Martha: You're completely mad.
The Doctor: You're right. I look daft with one shoe. [pulls other shoe off and drops it in the bin too] Barefoot on the Moon!
- This rambling attempt at a cover story to Florence:The Doctor: But isn't that a, err, um, magnetic resonance imaging... thing? Like a err, err... ginormous sort of a magnet? I did magnetics for GCSE. Well, I failed, but all the same
Florence: A magnet with its setting now increased to 50,000 Tesla.
- And later in the same conversation...The Doctor: Sorry. You'll have to excuse me, I'm a little bit out of depth. I spent the last fifteen years working as a postman, hence the bunion. Why would you do that?
- It's the Doctor he probably did fail the equivalent of a GCSE for Magnetics on Gallifrey!
- And later in the same conversation...
- The companions have officially become predictable. When Martha exclaims that the TARDIS is "bigger on the inside", the Doctor is mouthing along with her. And snarks about it.The Doctor: Is it?! I hadn't noticed!
- The Doctor and Martha are walking through turn-of-the-17th-century London:Martha: I'm not going to get carted off as a slave, am I?
The Doctor: Why would they do that?
Martha: [points at herself] Not exactly white, in case you haven't noticed.
The Doctor: I'm not even human. Just walk about like you own the place. Works for me. Besides, you'd be surprised. Elizabethan England, not so different from your time. Look... [points to a man who is shovelling dung into a bucket] they have recycling. [they pass men standing around a barrel of water] Water cooler moments...
[they see a preacher in the street]
Street Preacher: ...and the Earth will be consumed by flames!
The Doctor: And global warming.
- Said preacher is also giddy and shoving a finger at the Doctor when the Carrionites are taking over the Globe Theatre.The Same Preacher: I TOLD THEE! I TOLD THEE!
- Said preacher is also giddy and shoving a finger at the Doctor when the Carrionites are taking over the Globe Theatre.
- After watching Love's Labour's Lost, Martha wants to see the legendary Bard, so she shouts "Author!" Then she stops and asks if people in this time period do that. Then someone else copies her, and soon the whole theatre is shouting it.The Doctor: Well, they do now.
- Then the author comes out and hams it up while basking in the crowd's adoration.
- This bit of banter with William Shakespeare:Shakespeare: So tell me of Freedonia, where women can be doctors, writers, actors...
Martha: This country's ruled by a woman!
Shakespeare: Ah, she's royal that's God's business. Though you are a royal beauty.
Martha: Whoa, Nelly! I know for a fact you've got a wife in the country.
Shakespeare: But, Martha, this is town.
The Doctor: Come on! We can all have a good flirt later!
Shakespeare: Is that a promise, Doctor?
The Doctor: Oh, 57 academics just punched the air...
- Martha saying expelliarmus. Quickly followed by the Doctor's "Good old J.K.!!"
- At the end of the episode, Queen Elizabeth I turns up at the Globe, accompanied by fanfare:The Doctor: [overjoyed and excited] Queen Elizabeth the First!
Elizabeth I: [angry] Doctor!
The Doctor: [still excited] What?
Elizabeth I: My sworn enemy!
The Doctor: [now confused] What?!
Elizabeth I: OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!
The Doctor: [high-pitched] Whaaaaat?!
Martha: Oh, never mind what, just run!
[the Doctor and Martha take off running]
Elizabeth I: STOP HIM! STOP THAT PERNICIOUS DOCTOR! [Shakespeare begins laughing madly as they disappear]
- He and Martha manage to get back to the TARDIS chased by the queen's guards.Martha: What have you done to upset her?*
The Doctor: How should I know? Havent even met her yet! Thats time travel for you. Still, cant wait to find out! Thats something to look forward to...[Martha grabs him by the arm to drag him into the TARDIS just as one of the guards puts an arrow in the TARDIS door]
- He and Martha manage to get back to the TARDIS chased by the queen's guards.
- Thomas Kincade Brannigan recounts a story about a woman who breathed in the polluted air of the Motorway, causing her head to swell to "50 feet", prompting Valerie to respond that that's disgusting.
- The Doctor, while descending through the levels of cars, encounters nudists. He doesn't bother to give them the "Motorway Foot Patrol" excuse, he just leaves.
- There's the Doctor's reaction to someone coming through the ceiling of the car. "I've invented a sport!"
- Then, when he recognises Novice Hame from "New Earth" and hugs her before remembering that, "Last time we met you were breeding humans for experimentation!"
- The Doctor musing about how "New Amsterdam New Amsterdam" (the Dutch's name for Manhattan when they founded it) doesn't have the same ring as "New York New York".
- In the sewers, Daleks Thay and Caan have a discussion about their doubts regarding Sec's new orders. Before they start, though, Caan decides to check for potential eavesdroppers... by rotating his eyestalk around.
- The Doctor drops Martha off at her apartment, they see Lazarus' announcement on TV, he leaves and then he comes right back, sticks his head out of the TARDIS door and says:"No, I'm sorry, did he just say he was going to change what it means to be human?"
- The awkward conversation between the Doctor and Martha's mother.The Doctor: We don't have much time to chat, you know, been... busy...
Francine: [eyebrows climbing] Busy? Doing what, exactly?
The Doctor: [awkwardly] Oh... yknow... stuff.
- The Doctor telling her he's heard so much about her, and when she asks "like what?", he admits the only thing he's heard about her is that she's Martha's mother.
- Martha's mother slapping the Doctor.The Doctor: Ah, Mrs. Jones! We never finished our chat.
Francine: [slaps him] Keep away from my daughter!
Martha: Mum, what are you doing?
The Doctor: [rubs his jaw] Always the mothers! Every time!
- The Doctor, while explaining "happy numbers":"I don't know, talk about dumbing down. Don't they teach recreational mathematics anymore?"
- Joan keeps dropping hints to John that she wishes him to ask her to the local dance. John catches on, but gets so tongue-tied he can't string two words together, then come the stairs...John: [blathers on incoherently as he starts to walk backwards]
Joan: The stairs.
John: What about them?
Joan: They're right behind you!
John: [promptly drops down said stairs]
- The parts of the Doctor's instructions that Martha fast forwards through. Essentially, what they did was tell David Tennant to say whatever he wanted to fill the time:The Doctor: [entirely deadpan] Martha, before I change here's a list of instructions for when I'm human. One, don't let me hurt anyone. We can't have that, but you know what humans are like. Two, don't worry about the TARDIS. I'll put it on emergency power so they can't detect it, just let it hide away. Four no... wait a minute, three! No getting involved in big historical events. Four, you. Don't let me abandon you. And five! Very important, five: Don't let me eat pears. I hate pears. John Smith is a character I made up, but I won't know that. I'll think I am him, and he might do something stupid like eat a pear! In three months, I don't want to wake up from being human and taste that. And six: Now I have to talk for around about a minute without hesitation, deviation, or whatever the other thing is. It's like that panel game on Channel 4 like Rory just pointed out. However, I'm going to move on and say number seven, and talk about my other favorite band, which is The Housemartins. I don't know if anyone remembers The Housemartins, but the best gig I ever went to was at the Scottish Exhibition and Conference Centre in about December. It must have been 1990, and The Housemartins were playing, and it was quite simply the best gig I've ever been to. They split up quite soon afterwards, I don't know what that tells you about that particular event. I'm sitting in the TARDIS now, and I'm gonna wind up soon, but not before I make a few strange noises with my mouth that will go somewhere along the lines of bingle bongle dingle dangle yikkety-doo yikkety-daa ping pong lippy tappy too tah. And 23, if anything goes wrong, if they find us, Martha, then you know what to do. Open the watch.
- And yes, John can be seen eating a pear during the montage that plays as Martha watches the instructions again.
- Larry's introduction.Larry: Okay, not sure, but really, really hoping... [points down] Pants?
- North Americans should keep in mind that "pants" means "underwear" in British English.
- And then when she meets him again later in the episode.Larry: Hold on, we've met before, haven't we?
Sally: It'll come to you.
[Larry slowly gets a dawning look of horror, and then covers up his crotch]
Sally: There it is.
- The Doctor falls victim to Buffy Speak a lot.
- "People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey... stuff."
- "This is my timey-wimey detector. Goes 'ding' when there's stuff. Also, it can boil an egg at 30 paces, whether you want it to or not, actually, so I've learned to stay away from hens. It's not pretty when they blow."
- When Sally wants to know how the Doctor knows what she's saying when he's a recording from
4038 years in the past, the Doctor says "Look to your left," and Sally does to see Larry saying, "What does he mean by that? I've been wondering for years." It hasn't yet dawned on him that the Doctor is talking about what he's doing at this very moment.
- Before that realization, he goes with a political interpretation of "left" for a couple of seconds.
- The Doctor's Disorganized Outline Speech at the very end, explaining why he needs to leave. We never find out what's happening, just that he's carrying a bow, Martha's carrying a quiver, and there are three things he needs to deal with. No, four. Well, four things, and a lizard.
- Also, the Doctor is rubbish at weddings. Especially his own.
- Fridge Brilliance: It's pretty impressive that the Doctor was reading from a transcript that had everything he was supposed to say predetermined and yet he still throws in the tone and the emotion to the reading as if he is saying it off the top of his head like in a regular conversation. There's two possibilities for this: A) this is a cold read and he was just very good at selling the performance, which is unlikely because his autocue knows exactly how long to pause to accommodate Sally's remarks, or B) the more likely and funnier option, he read through it a few times and he and Martha practiced. One can only imagine the conversation the Doctor and Martha had while rehearsing:The Doctor: Martha, help me read through this transcript. I need to figure out how long I should give them to talk, 38 years in the future.
- Or:The Doctor: Martha, how does it sound when I say it like this?
The Doctor: Ok but I feel like to really capture the character, I should say it like this.
Martha: Doctor. The character is you.
The Doctor: Yeah but I really have to capture my essence.
The Doctor: So it seems cooler.
Martha: Doctor, the whole point of this is to get the TARDIS back and to save their lives, and you're worried about how cool it seems in the future?
- Jack, after his trip through the Time Vortex on the outside of the TARDIS and Martha has attempted CPR, seemingly without success.Jack: [gasps] Was someone kissing me?
- Jack doesn't even sound upset, just disappointed that he wasn't awake at the time.
- Shortly after their arrival:Martha: [surveying a dead city] What about the people? Does no one survive?
The Doctor: I suppose... we have to hope. Life will find a way.
Jack: Well... [points] he's not doin' too bad.
[The Doctor and Martha look at what Jack's pointing to: a man running around frantically, flailing his arms and screaming, being chased by a mob of Futurekind]
- Jack repeatedly attempts to flirt with whatever catches his fancy, all of them stopped with the Doctor's casual "Stop it."
- The Doctor introducing himself, Martha and Jack to Professor Yana:The Doctor: Bit of a hermit, actually.
Yana: Oh, a hermit. With friends...?
The Doctor: Hermits United. We meet up every ten years. Swap stories about... caves. It's good fun. For a hermit.
- The Master begins a bout of Evil Gloating only to be distracted by himself:The Master: Now, then, Doctor! Oooh, new voice. [varying pitches] Hello, hellooo, helllloooo! Anyway... why don't we sit down and have a nice little chat where I can tell you all my plans and you can work out a way to stop me, I don't think! [starts the dematerialization process] End of the universe! Have fun! Bye-bye!
- The Master's first cabinet meeting as Prime Minister, which goes, well... he speaks for himself.The Master: A glorious day! Downing Street rebuilt! The cabinet in session! Let the work of government... begin!
[the Master throws a stack of dossiers in the air like confetti, the contents scattering all across the table; the cabinet ministers are unimpressed]
The Master: Oh go on, crack a smile! It's funny, isn't it? [looks at the MP directly across from him] Albert? Funny? No? A little bit?
Albert Dumfries: Uh, very funny, sir. But if we could get down to business, there is the matter of policy, of which we have very little
The Master: No-no-no-no-no. Before we start all that, I just wanted to say... thank you. Thank you, one and all, you ugly, fat-faced bunch of wet, snivelling traitors.
Albert: [scoff] Yes, quite. Very funny, but I think [the Master stands up and cuts him off]
The Master: No. No. That wasn't funny. [beat] Hmmm, you see, I'm not making myself very clear. "Funny" is like this. [makes an exaggerated grin] "Not funny" is like this. [makes an exaggerated frowny face] And right now, I'm not like [grins], I'm like [frowns], because you are traitors. YES, YOU ARE!! As soon as you saw the votes swinging my way, you abandoned your parties and you jumped on the Saxon bandwagon! So... [sits down] ...this is your reward! [puts on a facial gas mask]
Albert: Excuse me, Prime Minister, but do you mind my asking, what is that?
The Master: [muffled] A gas mask.
Albert: I beg your pardon?
The Master: [lifts gas mask up] It's a gas mask. [he smiles pleasantly, chuckles, and lowers it back over his face]
Albert: Yes, but, um, why are you wearing it?
The Master: [muffled; matter-of-factly] Well, because of the gas.
Albert: I'm sorry?
The Master: [lifts up his mask] Because of the gas! [lowers mask]
Albert: What gas?
The Master: [leans back in his chair] This gas.
[the speakers on the two table phones pop up and spray Deadly Gas into the room; the ministers begin choking on the fumes]
Albert: [spluttering] YOU'RE INSANE!!!
[with the biggest grin imaginable through the mask, the Master gives Albert two thumbs up while appearing to say "Yoouuu got it!", before Albert falls face-forward onto the table]
- Fridge Brilliance or Fridge Humour when you realize that the Master is for once proud to be working out an agenda on his own rather than piggybacking off someone else's agenda and then double-crossing that party.
- The Master closes a door to muffle the screams as Vivien Rook is being killed by the Toclafane. He opens the door, hears her still screaming, and closes it. He opens the door again, she's still screaming, so he closes it again. He opens the door again, she's still screaming, and he closes it for the final time. Crosses the Line Twice at its greatest.
- Made even funnier by the fact that the Master is making funny exaggerated faces of disgust every time he shuts the door! You can hear him silently thinking, "When will she shut up already?"
- The Master awkwardly admitting to Lucy that Archangel wasn't going to get 100% of the populace to turn a blind eye to his obviously forged backstory.
- His speech about all the good people of England which also crosses the line twice:The Doctor: Our lord and master is speaking to his kingdom.
The Master: Britain, Britain, Britain. What extraordinary times we've had. Just a few years ago this world was so small. And then they came. Out of the unknown. Falling from the sky. You've seen it happen. [stock footage of the Slitheen ship hitting Big Ben] Big Ben, destroyed. [stock footage of Sycorax ship hovering over London] A spaceship over London. [stock footage of Cybermen marching] All those ghosts and metal men. [stock footage of the Webstar shooting lightning over the city] The Christmas Star that came to kill. Time and time again, and the government told you nothing. Well not me. Not Harold Saxon. Because my purpose, here today, is to tell you this: Citizens of Great Britain, I have been contacted. A message for humanity from beyond the stars.
Female Toclafane Sphere: People of the Earth, we come in peace. We bring great gifts. We bring technology and wisdom and protection. And all we ask in return is your friendship.
The Master: Ooo, sweet! And this species has identified itself. They're called the Toclafane.
The Doctor: [watching the broadcast] What?!
The Master: And tomorrow morning, they will appear. Not in secret, but to all of you. Diplomatic relations with a new species will begin. Tomorrow, we take our place in the universe. Every man, woman and child. Every teacher, and chemist, and lorry driver and farmer, and, oh, I don't know, every medical student?
[the Doctor, Martha, and Jack all look at each other in a wild surprise; the Doctor turns the TV around to find explosives strapped to the back of the set]
- During their phone call, the Doctor mentions his disbelief that the Master has become Prime Minister. The Master's reply is an extremely excited "I KNOW!" as if he can't believe it himself...
- The Master cycles through televised news reports about his first contact with the Toclafane. First a British newscast, then an American newscast, then a Chinese broadcast, then... the Master watching the Teletubbies!The Master: [to his Toclafane] Have you seen these things? This planet's amazing. Television, in their stomachs! Now that is evolution.
- The Master has watched The Clangers before. So we now know for certain what the Time Lords' hobbies are: The Doctor's is saving the world. The Master's is watching children's television shows...
- Jack has a whole entire ring of keys, and has to hand one to the Doctor. Cue Jack struggling to get the key off and the Doctor looking impatient.
- "It's like when you fancy someone, and they don't even know you exist." Jack and Martha exchange a look. "You too, huh?"
- Just about any time the Master speaks to President Winters is entertaining. The Master's trying to be as deliberately annoying as he can possibly be. Which, seeing as he's the Master, is not hard.President Winters: First Contact policy was decided by the Security Council in 1968, and you've just gone and ignored it.
The Master: Well, you know how it is: new job, all that paperwork. I think it's down the back of the settee. I did have a quick look: I found a pen, a sweet, a bus ticket and uh, have you met the wife?
Winters: Mr. Saxon, I'm not sure what your game is but there are provisions at the United Nations to have you removed from office unless you are very, very careful. Is that understood? [the Master mimes zipping his lips] Are you taking this seriously? [the Master nods] To business. We've accessed your files on these... Toclafane. The first contact cannot take place on any sovereign soil. For that purpose, the aircraft carrier Valiant is en route. The rendezvous will take place there at 8:00 am. [the Master makes muffled sounds, trying to "speak" through zipped lips] You're trying my patience, sir.
The Master: ["unzips" his lips] So America is completely in charge?
Winters: Since Britain elected an ass, yes. I'll see you onboard the Valiant.
The Master: [grimaces] It still will be televised, though, won't it? Because I promised, and the whole world is watching.
Winters: Since it's too late to pull out, the world will be watching. Me.
- When the Toclafane appear aboard the Valiant and are greeted by President Winters instead of the Master, they are very much not pleased by the last minute substitution:President Winters: My name is Arthur Coleman Winters, President-Elect of the United States of America and designated representative of the United Nations. I welcome you to the planet Earth and its associated Moon.
Toclafane 1: You're not the Master.
Toclafane 2: We like the Mr. Master.
Toclafane 3: We don't like you.
Winters: [stammers] I... can be Master, if you so wish. I will accept mastery over you if that is God's will.
Toclafane 3: Man is stupid.
Toclafane 1: Master is our friend.
Toclafane 2: Where's my Master, pretty please?
The Master: [steps up] Oh, all right then. It's me! Ta-da! Sorry. Sorry, I have this effect. People just get obsessed. Is it the smile? Is it the aftershave? Is it the capacity to laugh at myself? I don't know. It's crazy!
- The Master has a lot of sadistically gleeful fun at constantly murdering Jack! "And the good thing is, he's not dead for long! I GET TO KILL HIM AGAIN!"
- HERE. COME. THE. DRUMS. Simultaneously a Moment of Awesome AND a Funny Moment. (Bonus points for Lucy Saxon's awkward bopping along to the music.)
- The Master pushing the Doctor around while "I Can't Decide" plays in the background, perfectly synced to the action onstage.
- Even better, someone modified the audio channel the song played over, revealing that John Simm was actually singing along the entire time.
- Martha's new acquaintance learns of some of her exploits.Tom Milligan: Right. Space, got it. Anything else I should know?
Martha: I've met Shakespeare.
- The "Voyage of the Damned" stinger at the end: the Doctor's multiple Flat "What" reaction to 1) hearing a blaring sea ship horn, 2) feeling the TARDIS quake and chunks of its interior flying off, 3) finding a life preserver in front of the control centre, and 4) looking up to see the stern of a huge ship poking through the hull of the TARDIS, casually backing away like the captain said "Oops, sorry!"
- The outtakes. All of them.