Funmaking moments from the classic Doctor Who series.
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- "An Unearthly Child":
- Ian and Barbara are discussing Susan's academic prowess.Ian: [to Barbara] Your problem is whether you should stay in business, or hand the class to her.
- The Doctor spends the 1st episode in utter delight over the dumbstruck reactions of both Ian and Barbara to the TARDIS... and everything else.
- Speaking of the TARDIS, apparently she was initially as fond of humans as the Doctor she knocks them unconscious on her first takeoff. Fortunately for Barbara, and not so fortunately for Ian, there is a chair available; Barbara lands in it... Ian does not.
- Ian and Barbara are discussing Susan's academic prowess.
- "The Daleks":
- The Daleks are dictating a letter to Susan (which she's signing as a sign that it's trustworthy), and they are proofreading it. The Daleks' serious tone of voice is what makes the scene.Dalek: What is this word?
Susan: What word?
Dalek: This one at the end. Soo... san.
Dalek: Stop that noise.
- When the Doctor refuses to turn the power back on in the Dalek city, the desperate Dalek gives a hilariously pitiful sob as it turns its eyestalk up in a manner that resembles a toddler throwing a tantrum. It remains in that position as it shuts down.
- The Daleks are dictating a letter to Susan (which she's signing as a sign that it's trustworthy), and they are proofreading it. The Daleks' serious tone of voice is what makes the scene.
- "The Edge of Destruction":First Doctor: We're on the brink of distrust- of destruction!
- "The Keys of Marinus":
- Much of First's misreading or forgetting lines (called "fluffing" in TV jargon) would qualify:Barbara: Is it frozen?
First Doctor: No, impossible at this temperature. Besides, it's too warm.
- Ian giving Susan his shoes because hers melted off in acid... and the Doctor, oblivious to that, promptly calling him an idiot for not wearing shoes when there's acid around.
- Much of First's misreading or forgetting lines (called "fluffing" in TV jargon) would qualify:
- "The Aztecs":
- "The Sensorites":
- The Doctor insists that he "Doesn't meddle in other people's affairs" and that he "Hasn't got an ounce of curiosity" in him, and Ian and Barbara immediately laugh out loud.
- The same story features a line fluff which, for once, isn't from the First Doctor:Sensorite: I heard them over- overtalking.
- Also, the fact that the evil Sensorite had genuinely never thought of the fact that humans couldn't tell members of his species apart until a human specifically pointed that out.
- "The Dalek Invasion of Earth": While Barbara and another woman are hiding from a Dalek patrol, one Dalek spots a headless mannequin in the room... and orders it to surrender.
- "The Rescue": Barbara tells Vicki that they come from the year 1963. Ian cracks up at Vicki's response.Vicki: That means you're about... 550 years old!
Barbara: That's one way of looking at it I suppose. [notices Ian laughing and ribs him, only for him to keep laughing anyway]
- "The Romans":
- A great Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick moment:Vicki: Oh, something else I forgot to tell you. I think I've poisoned Nero.
The Doctor: Hmm, really. [beat] WHAT?
- The way One's expression snaps from "Oh, that's nice, my dear" to "You have GOT to be freakin' kidding me" is priceless.
- While impersonating a renowned lyrist, the Doctor pulls an Emperor's New Clothes-gambit on Nero's court, privately telling Vicki that he gave Hans Christian Andersen the idea. Everyone pretends they can hear his tune, and Nero makes the scene by claiming that "He's alright, but he's not all that good."
- Barbara accidentally smashes a vase on the back of Ian's head while trying to fight off Roman slave traders. Later, Ian says that one of the slave traders smashed the vase on his head. Barbara's response is basically Sure, Let's Go with That.
- A great Bread, Eggs, Milk, Squick moment:
- "The Space Museum":
- The Doctor gives us this gem: "It's just a matter of adding two and two together to make three!"
- Barbara delivers a line that sums up the Doctor for many years to come:"The Doctor's curious. That means we stay."
- The Doctor escapes from the "rebels" by hiding in an empty Dalek casing. The funny part is when he declares "I fooled them all! I am the master!" in a impersonation of a Dalek voice while sticking the plunger in and out.
- There's an absolutely glorious scene involving a mind probe.note One of the villains of the story has the Doctor hooked up to the aforementioned probe trying to get information out of him... our hero proceeds to be a smartass and shows the villain a bunch of irrelevant images... culminating in a photo of a walrus colony ("just some old friends of mine!") to which the villain protests that the Doctor isn't an amphibious creature. Cue image of William Hartnell proudly resplendent in a Victorian bathing costume.
- Ian gets the idea to use the thread of Barbara's cardigan to provide a bread crumb trail. He and Vicki start to rip it apart only for Barbara to angrily declare they could at least ask first. Ian asks. Barbara says "yes". They continue ripping up the cardigan.
- Vicki's method of getting access to an armoury guarded by a computer that won't let them in unless answered truthfully, after rewiring it.Computer: For what purpose are the arms needed?
- "The Chase":
- As Barbara and the Doctor are sitting and relaxing, the Doctor starts to hum absently. When Barbara hears something in the distance, we get this exchange:Barbara: [hears something] What's that awful noise?
First Doctor: I beg your pardon? Awful noise? That's no way to talk about my singing.
Barbara: No Doctor, not that awful noise, the other one.
- The same story also features another amusing Hartnell line fluff:First Doctor: You'll end up as a couple of burnt cinders floating around in Spain- in space!
- As Barbara and the Doctor are sitting and relaxing, the Doctor starts to hum absently. When Barbara hears something in the distance, we get this exchange:
- "The Time Meddler":
- In the 1st episode, "The Watcher", the Doctor gets a good one in as he irritably explains the TARDIS interior to Steven."That is the dematerializing control. And that, over yonder, is the horizontal hold. Up there is the scanner, those are the doors, that is a chair with a panda on it. Sheer poetry, dear boy. Now please stop bothering me."
- Later in that episode, the Doctor presents Steven with a Viking helmet, the following ensues:First Doctor: Here you are young man, what do you think of that now, eh? A viking helmet.
Steven: [skeptical] Well... Maybe.
First Doctor: [annoyed] What do you mean, "maybe"? What do you think it is? A space helmet for a cow?!
- As the Doctor pulls out the dimensional control to the Monk's TARDIS, the response Steven gets at the end of this exchange qualifies.Vicki: But Doctor, what exactly are you doing?
The Doctor: Don't, please, ask me questions. Go child! Outside!
Steven: Well, what are you trying to do? [The Doctor gives Steven a look, and Peter Purves is clearly trying to avoid corpsing]
- About a minute later, the Doctor's utter glee when he successfully removes the dimensional controller.
- In the 1st episode, "The Watcher", the Doctor gets a good one in as he irritably explains the TARDIS interior to Steven.
- "Galaxy 4":
- The Doctor and Vicki are wondering how to get past a Chumbley sentry, and the Doctor cautions Vicki "Now look, in this case, first we must observe, note, collate, and then conclude. After that, perhaps we can act, hmm!" After a few moments Vicki throws a rock behind the Chumbley to the Doctor's horror. He admonishes her about the risk she just took only for her to reply with an Ironic Echo:Vicki: There was no risk. I noted, observed, collated, concluded... and then I threw the rock!
- The same story features yet another misspoken Hartnell line: this time he hopes for some "long deserved, undeserved peace for once."
- The Doctor and Vicki are wondering how to get past a Chumbley sentry, and the Doctor cautions Vicki "Now look, in this case, first we must observe, note, collate, and then conclude. After that, perhaps we can act, hmm!" After a few moments Vicki throws a rock behind the Chumbley to the Doctor's horror. He admonishes her about the risk she just took only for her to reply with an Ironic Echo:
- "The Myth Makers":
- "The Daleks' Master Plan":
- Another wrong line reading from Hartnell: "The Daleks will stop at anything to get it back!"
- From episode 5 of the same serial, the Daleks come across a pair of mice that had been transported to the planet Mira along with the Doctor, Steven, and Sara."An alien device. There are small white creatures inside. They may be hostile."
- In the beginning of episode 8, the TARDIS appears in the middle of a sports match. Rather than freak out, the colour commentators treat it as an Unusually Uninteresting Sight and discuss whether the amount of time it takes to get the TARDIS off the field will affect England's chances of winning.
- Besides featuring some invisible monsters that are quite obviously invisible solely because of the show's low budget, "The Ark" has this unintentionally funny line:Monoid: Take them away to the security kitchen.
- "The Gunfighters":
- Not funny in and of itself, but the Doctor's complaints about Steven and Dodo donning cowboy clothes becomes funny thanks to being Hilarious in Hindsight:The Doctor: Why can't you wear inconspicuous clothing, like I do?
- The Doctor's visit to Doc Holliday's dentist office: his reaction to the sign (a giant tooth on the door) is to say it's not very subtle. The Doctor realizes too late that there's no anesthetic in the Wild West. He declines both a Tap on the Head or a stiff drink to dull the pain. Though Doc Holliday, the dentist, does not decline the latter.The Doctor: A good thing I didn't need to have my tonsils out.
- Doc Holliday and Kate try to give the Doctor a gun so everyone will keep thinking the Doctor is Holliday. The Doctor obliviously waves the gun around, prompting both Kate and Doc Holliday to push it away from themselves.
- After holding up Doc Holliday into promising to return her to Tombstone and the Doctor & Steven, Dodo immediately faints when Holliday pulls out a sidearm of his own he had ready.
- Not funny in and of itself, but the Doctor's complaints about Steven and Dodo donning cowboy clothes becomes funny thanks to being Hilarious in Hindsight:
- "The Savages": After Jano absorbs the Doctor's life energy, he begins acting like the Doctor. The funny comes from a character who'd otherwise been serious and stoic acting just like the First Doctor.
- A misspoken line from "The Smugglers", when showing Ben and Polly the TARDIS:The Doctor: You see that scanner? That is what I call a scanner, up there.
- "The Power of the Daleks":
- There are some darkly funny moments as the humans fail to notice the increasingly obvious duplicity of the Daleks.
- At one point, a Dalek catches itself mid-rant:"Until now we have had to recharge from the colony supply. With static power, THE DALEKS WILL BE TWICE AS [long pause]... useful."
- "A Dalek is bett a Dalek is not the same as a human being."
- At one point, a Dalek catches itself mid-rant:
- While debating with his companions how to convince the colony (and Lesterson in particular) of the danger the Daleks pose, the Doctor, followed by Polly, gets sidetracked...Would Lesterson listen? Lesterson listen. Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen. Exercises the tongue. Try it. Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen, Lesterson listen...
- There are some darkly funny moments as the humans fail to notice the increasingly obvious duplicity of the Daleks.
- "The Highlanders": The Doctor (impersonating an actual doctor) asks a baddie if he has a headache. The baddie says no. The Doctor promptly slams his head on a table.
- "The Macra Terror":
- This:Ben: They got that bloke all over the place like a blinking politician.
Pete: He is our controller. We are always pleased to see him. He brings us encouragement.
Ben: Oh, he's not a politician then!
- Another wonderful moment comes when the Doctor works out a complex mathematical equation on a wall, and grades himself "ten out of ten". A bitter member of the colony informs him that he (the Doctor) is the first to ever solve that equation... upon which the Doctor changes his self-grade to eleven out of ten.
- The very-Troughton moment when the Doctor enters a machine that will clean him up, tidy his clothes and make him look perfect; followed by the Doctor immediately hating his appearance, and entering a machine to dirty him up again!
- And this conversation:Jamie: Hey, mister, would you call the ladies off? I'm frightened what they might do to me!
Barney: Oh, but you look charming, sir! Charming!
Jamie: That's what I'm frightened of!
- When escaping the mines, Jamie finds himself with a group of cheerleaders who think he's there to participate in a dance competition. Jamie tries unsuccessfully to get away with the "Highland Fling" (dancing then flinging himself out the door at first opportunity). At the very end, when the Doctor realizes the colonists intend to make him the leader, he takes a page from Jamie's book and does the same thing, Jamie right behind. Ben and Polly go along with it too, more out of confusion than anything else.
- "The Evil of the Daleks":
- The humanized Daleks; the first thing the new Daleks do once active is scoop up the Doctor and start "dancing" around the room.The Doctor: Jamie, they're taking me for a ride! They're playing a game! [laughs]
- Watching the humanized Daleks pretending to be trains. Then they decide to play "round-a-bouts". Also a very heartwarming moment.Daleks: [travelling in single file] Traaaaaains.
- The humanized Daleks; the first thing the new Daleks do once active is scoop up the Doctor and start "dancing" around the room.
- "The Tomb of the Cybermen":
- This:The Doctor: Don't you see what this is going to all mean to those who come to serve "Klieg the all powerful"? Why, no country, no person would dare to have a single thought that was not your own! Eric Klieg's own conception of the... of the way of life!
Klieg: Brilliant! Yes... yes you're right. Master of the world!
The Doctor: And now I know you're mad, I just wanted to make sure.
- The best part about that insult is how Patrick Troughton somehow manages to make it smug and completely deadpan at the same time.
- The Doctor and Jamie both try to take Victoria's hand and walk away. They end up taking each other's hands by mistake, and it takes them a second to figure this out.
- At the beginning of the story, Jamie asks the Doctor for a smooth takeoff:Second Doctor: [indignantly] A smooth takeoff?
- Early in Part 2, the Doctor tells Jamie to try and remember the sequence of buttons and levers that activated a Cyberman trap. He then addresses the group:The Doctor: Now, there is a distinct element of risk in what I'm asking you all to do, so if anyone wishes to leave, they must do so at once.
[Jamie heads off]
The Doctor: Not you, Jamie.
- This exchange from "The Abominable Snowmen":Jamie: Have you thought up some clever plan, Doctor?
Second Doctor: Yes, Jamie, I believe I have.
Jamie: What are you going to do?
Second Doctor: Bung a rock at it.
- "The Ice Warriors":
- The Doctor and Victoria plotting an escape (amidst Victoria's extremely over the top fake crying).
- The Doctor asks for the automatic chemical dispenser, making it seem desperately important... Then collecting a glass of water.
- "The Enemy of the World":
- Any time when Griffin (the grumpy chef) opens his mouth.
- Towards the beginning of the same story, the Doctor gleefully runs around the beach in his long johns to the bewilderment of Jamie and Victoria.
- And later on, the Doctor mishears "disused jetty" as "disused yeti".
- Victoria shoving a tea trolley in front of Salamanders guards in an attempt to evade capture.
- "The Web of Fear": Travers and Silverstein exchanging insults.Travers: You fool!
Travers: I'm not a thief.
Travers: Stubborn old goat!
- "Fury From the Deep"
- The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria having a foam fight in Episode 1, which was instigated by the Doctor after tossing foam in Jamies face.
- After successfully rescuing Victoria in Episode 6, the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria escape from the central nerve centre via helicopter. The Doctor is unfamiliar with operating the chopper and ends up flying all over the place.
- "The Wheel in Space"
- In Episode 3, Jamie is defending himself to Jarvis for sabotaging the Wheels laser beams, which was meant to destroy the Silver Carrier (where the TARDIS was located), his reason? The Doctor told me to protect it. The following scene:The Doctor: Thats marvellous isnt it, "The Doctor told me to protect it", you wont give a reason, you just need me to get out of trouble.
- It may not exactly be laugh-out-loud funny, but this moment is pretty amusing:Cyberman: You must be destroyed.
Second Doctor: Yes, well, I was afraid you'd get back to that.
- In the final episode, the Doctor commits the most hilarious line-fluff in the show's entire history:The Doctor: [confidently] We'll all be killed unless we switch over to the sexual air supply.
- In Episode 3, Jamie is defending himself to Jarvis for sabotaging the Wheels laser beams, which was meant to destroy the Silver Carrier (where the TARDIS was located), his reason? The Doctor told me to protect it. The following scene:
- "The Dominators":
- Two and Jamie Obfuscating Stupidity.The Doctor: [with the absolute hammiest expression you've ever seen] The clever ones tell us what to do, you see!
- When the Doctor asks Jamie if he can pretend to be stupid, Jamie begins to reply that for him "it should be easy" before realizing what he's implying and shutting his mouth.
- The Doctor demonstrates the makeshift bombs he intends to have Jamie use against the Quarks by dropping one of the pills into a tube and explaining that they will explode at the count of ten. As he finishes explaining Zoe starts yelling "Seven... eight..." prompting the Doctor to throw the demonstration bomb away before it explodes.
- The Doctor fails a spot check:Jamie: C'mon! The whole place is going to blow up!
The Doctor: No, it's quite all right, Jamie. The planet is quite safe. There's only going to be a localized volcanic eruption. It'll only affect the island.
Jamie: Maybe so, but we happen to be on the island.
The Doctor: (cue massive Oh, Crap! face) Oh, my word!
- Two and Jamie Obfuscating Stupidity.
- "The Mind Robber":
- This:Rapunzel: Are you a prince?
The Doctor: No. No, I'm afraid not. Would you mind if I used your hair to get down there?
Rapunzel: No, of course not. Everyone else uses it, so I don't see why you shouldn't.
- Jamie and Zoe formulate a plan to escape the Master, only for a robot to arrive to capture them. They run off to escape it, only to come face to face with another one. They Take a Third Option and turn another way, but run into another robot waiting there as well.Jamie: [upon running into the third robot] Nope. Back this way.
- The Master summons Cyrano de Bergerac to kill Jamie and Zoe, complete with giant prosthetic nose. To counter, the Doctor summons D'Artagnan, who for whatever reason has an equally gigantic nose.
- The commentary has Jamie's regular actor, Fraser Hines, disappear from the commentary track and get replaced with Hamish Wilson the very moment it happens in the actual episode, and vice versa. Most of the behind-the-scenes stories count as well the unicorn, for example, was actually brown, and they only had it for a few hours after midnight, most of which ended up involving powdering the poor horse into oblivion. Later in the serial, a white horse turns up anyway.
- "The Invasion" features a scene in which the Doctor dodges the Cybermen's weapons. Obviously that by itself isn't particularly funny, but the Doctor's overacted, childlike screaming every time an explosion is anywhere near him makes the scene hilarious.
- "The Krotons": Zoe takes the intelligence test the Krotons use to find the most intelligent Gonds. As the Doctor berates her for this move, Selris notices that Zoe scored double the highest score anyone else ever had. While he says this, and the Doctor acknowledges that Zoe's a prodigy, Zoe herself is off to the side with a smug grin on her face.
- "The Seeds of Death": The Doctor encounters an Ice Warrior:The Doctor: Your leader will be angry if you kill me! I'm a genius!
- "The War Games":
- The Second Doctor pretending to be a prison inspector.
- When Jamie and Zoe tell Lucke the truth about where they came from, the German officer sarcastically asks "That ambulance, was it going to a hospital or to a lunatic asylum?"
- "Spearhead from Space":
- The Third Doctor makes quite the impression in his first action scene proper, wheeling himself away from his Auton kidnappers... in a wheelchair.
- The Doctor tricks Liz into giving him the TARDIS key, which he then promptly uses to try and escape Earth. However, a large explosion is heard and smoke starts pouring out of the TARDIS and the Doctor steps out to Liz and the Brigadier with the most sheepish look on his face.The Doctor: Just testing...
- Both the locker room the Doctor steals his outfit from and the parking lot he swipes a car from have prominent signs reading "Reserved For Doctors". If they didn't want him to help himself, they shouldn't have posted that those things were for him.
- The Doctor getting past a UNIT guard through sheer bluster and not even letting the poor man get a word in:"All right, all right, I suppose you want to see my pass? Yes, well, I haven't got one. And I'm not going to tell you my name, either. Now you just tell Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart that I want to see him. Well, don't just stand there arguing with me, man! Get on with it!"
- The Doctor meets possibly the most stubborn and immovable and insufferable scientist... and it's not him for a change.The Doctor: Well, I'll tell you something that should be of vital interest to you.
The Doctor: That you, sir, are a nitwit!
- Greg seeing the TARDIS console, and Expecting Someone Taller:Greg Sutton: Well, I thought it'd be a bit more impressive than that.
Third Doctor: What did you expect? Some kind of space rocket with Batman at the controls?
- Hilarious in Hindsight when the Third Doctor later acquires his equivalent of a Batmobile, the Whomobile.
- At the end of the same episode, after the Doctor storms off in his TARDIS after an argument with the Brigadier (calling him a "pompous, self-opinionated idiot"):Liz: Now see what you've done!
Brig: Well, I didn't know he'd go off like that; the man's so infernally touchy.
- Then he returns soon after, embarrassed, having materialised a few hundred feet away. In a rubbish dump. He very meekly asks the Brigadier if he could borrow a couple of his boys to move the TARDIS.'The Brigadier: Pompous, self-opinionated idiot, I believe you said, Doctor?
- Then he returns soon after, embarrassed, having materialised a few hundred feet away. In a rubbish dump. He very meekly asks the Brigadier if he could borrow a couple of his boys to move the TARDIS.
- The Doctor meets possibly the most stubborn and immovable and insufferable scientist... and it's not him for a change.
- "Terror of the Autons":
- The Doctor is in the TARDIS singing "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire"... and then something explodes and smoke pours out of the TARDIS.
- The Doctor and Jo's first meeting. Jo enters the Doctor's lab, is immediately assumed to be the tea lady, and ruins one of the Doctor's experiments.The Doctor: Look, I said I don't want any tea today!
Jo; I'm not the tea lady.
The Doctor: Then what the blazes are you doing in here? Don't you know this area is strictly out of bounds to everyone except the Brigadier's personal staff and the tea lady?
Jo: [happily] I'm your new assistant!
The Doctor: [with a look of genuine horror] Oh, no!
- Later, the Doctor complains to the Brig about Jo, and the Brigadier shrugs that if Jo really isn't working, the Doctor can tell her so himself. But when Jo bustles in, she's just so earnest that he just can't bring himself to turn her away, instead awkwardly telling her that she'll be very useful. And then sending a Death Glare at the Brigadier, who's smugly unrepentant.
- When the Time Lord messenger visits the Doctor, he puts on a suit and carries an umbrella in order to be incognito, unlike (looks up and down at the Doctor's opera cape)... "some people". Apparently, however, he's forgotten that on Earth in the late twentieth century, humans don't usually float around in thin air.
- The messenger warns the Doctor that the Master is coming, at which the Doctor snaps that he refuses to be worried about an "unimaginative plodder". The other Time Lord points out that the Master's degree in Cosmic Science was higher than the Doctor's, at which the Doctor can only squirm awkwardly and say that he was a late developer. The Time Lord messenger just nods, with a face that very clearly says, "Sure, if you say so."
- The messenger warns the Doctor of the Master's booby trap, and calls it an "amusing" idea.The Doctor: Then you'd better think of a witty way to deal with it!
- Instead, the Time Lord just disappears. And then pops back in just long enough to doff his hat and wish the Doctor a cheerful "good luck!" before disappearing again!
- "The Mind of Evil":
- The Doctor's manic waving to the security cameras.
- Also, the Doctor egging on a giggly Captain Yates ("Cheshire cat, Captain Yates, Cheshire cat."), the Master's disgusted sneer when the Doctor mimes a steering wheel to remind him what Bessie is, and the Doctor's, "I'm stuck here on Earth... with you, Brigadier!"
- "The Claws of Axos": The reaction the exiled Doctor has at the end when he learns the Time Lords have affected his TARDIS to never stray too far away from Earth.The Brigadier: This time loop thing. How did you get out of it?
The Doctor: I simply boosted the circuits and broke free.
The Brigadier: And you came back of your own accord?
The Doctor: [reluctant] Well, I...
The Doctor: No. No, I'm afraid not. No, obviously the Time Lords have programmed the TARDIS always to return to Earth. [grouchily] It seems that I'm some kind of a galactic yo-yo!
- "Colony in Space": This Brig quote when the Doctor and Jo run off in the TARDIS.Brigadier: Doctor, come back at once.
- He does, five episodes later.
- "The Curse of Peladon":The Doctor: Is someone in trouble?
[Grun nods frantically]
The Doctor: Well who, Grun?
[Grun holds a hand down at a low level to indicate a small person]
The Doctor: Not [Jo]?!
- "The Sea Devils":
- The Third Doctor taking time out from his swordfight with the Master to steal the other's sandwich. Then giving the Master his sword back just so they can have some more fun.
- The Master watches the Clangers. And enjoys it.
- There's also the face he makes when Trenchard tells him that it's a kids' TV show YMMV on whether he literally didn't realize, or already knew that and was annoyed at Trenchard for turning it off.
- The Doctor tells Jo not to eat all the sandwiches. He takes the plate away from her and eats them himself.
- The Doctor tries to rewire a radio receiver into a transmitter to call for distress. He accidentally picks up Jo's favourite DJ. Then, when he does get the rewiring right, he comments on how good a job it was. At that moment, the radio hisses, catches fire, and blows sparks back at him.
- "The Time Monster":
- One courtesy of The Brig. When the Doctor makes his homemade Time Flow Analogue, everybody (except Jo) thinks it's useless.The Doctor: Oh, dear.
Jo: What's wrong?
The Doctor: Well, it doesn't work.
Brigadier: [in perfect deadpan] You astound me.
- Naked Benton. That is all.
- As the Doctor lands his TARDIS inside of the Master's, turbulence occurs, and Jo is thrown backwards. Meanwhile, they don't notice that the Master is spying on them through the scanner:Jo: Ow, I think I bruised my tailbone.
The Doctor: I'm sorry about your coccyx, Jo.
Jo: My what?
The Doctor: Your coccyx, Jo. Your tailbone.
The Master: [sounding completely sincere] I'm sorry about your coccyx too, Ms. Grant.
- One courtesy of The Brig. When the Doctor makes his homemade Time Flow Analogue, everybody (except Jo) thinks it's useless.
- "The Three Doctors" remains a fantastic multi-Doctor serial due solely to the Second and Third Doctors having one of these in nearly their every single interaction.
- The Crowning Moment, however, is the Second's evaluation of the new TARDIS interior, and accidentally starting a Running Gag.The Second Doctor: Ah, I see you've been doing the TARDIS up a bit! I don't like it...
- Another gem is the Third and Second Doctors trying to explain to Jo what's going on.Third Doctor: He's not so much one of them as one of us. One of me, to be precise.
Second Doctor: Ohh no, no, no! I'm sorry, my dear. I hate to be contrary, but he seems to be confused, poor chap, and I do feel you should have the correct explanation. [to the Third Doctor] You don't mind, do you?
Third Doctor: Yes.
Second Doctor: I didn't think you would! [ignores him and talks to Jo] You see, Jo I may call you Jo, mayn't I? You see... he is one of me.
Jo: Oh, I see! You're both Time Lords!
Second Doctor: Quite! Well... not quite.
- Followed by the Third Doctor cutting to the point:Third Doctor: It's really very simple, Jo. I am he, and he is me.
Jo: And we are all together, goo-goo-ga-choo?
- Then she explains that it's a song by the Beatles, and the Second Doctor picks up his recorder and asks her how it goes.
- Followed by the Third Doctor cutting to the point:
- Sergeant Benton steps inside the TARDIS for the first time:Third Doctor: Well, Sergeant? Aren't you going to say that it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside?
Benton: ... It's ... pretty obvious, isn't it?
- At the beginning, the Third Doctor is analysing the evidence of the unusual anti-matter activity and urgently requests that a particular piece of equipment be handed to him. It's quickly passed down a chain from the Brigadier, to Jo, to the scientist who's brought UNIT the problem, to the Doctor... who promptly uses it to stir his tea.
- This gem from one of the only times the First Doctor speaks:First Doctor: So, these are my replacements. A dandy and a clown.
- What really makes it is the immediate reaction shot they get out of the other two Doctors. Patrick Troughton's entire face pretty much falls from a wide-eyed grin to bafflement. Jon Pertwee just looks at him with shock, as though his whole self-image has been deflated.
- Right after the First Doctor appears for the first time on the monitor and vanishes:Jo: I hate to ask, but who was that?
Second and Third Doctors: Me. [they look at each other angrily] ME!
- When deciding who's going to "cross the bridge", the Second Doctor produces a coin:Second Doctor: Call, will you?
Third Doctor: Heads.
[the Second Doctor flips it, glances at it, and before the Third Doctor can get a look...]
Second Doctor: Hard luck. [quickly slips the coin into his pocket, not making eye contact]
- The Brig finally exploding at the Second Doctor's antics:Second Doctor: The beam should have desensitised. Of course, you fool. It's antimatter! The opposite effect! Instead of quietening down, I've stimulated it.
Brigadier: Will you stop nattering!?
Second Doctor: You haven't seen my recorder anywhere, have you? It's a little thing about this long with holes in. I had it when I came in and I put it down somewhere and I can't find it.
Brigadier: For the last time, will you let me out of this madhouse?!
Second Doctor: There's no point.
Brigadier: I'm sorry Doctor, but I must insist. My place is with the men out there, trying to do something about that... whatever it is out there, not standing about here, messing around, looking for some DAMN FOOL FLUTE!!
- The Doctors, upon realizing that they can create a door out of their prison simply by willing it into existence, do just that, and proceed to congratulate each other on the feat. The Second Doctor then escapes through the door, shouting excitedly that "It even opens!" as if he honestly wasn't expecting it to.
- The Second Doctor purposely angering Omega to test his self-control.Second Doctor: I say, you mean all you've got to do is think of a thing, rub your magic lamp over there and shally me gally me zoop, there it is? That's jolly clever. That's jolly clever.
Omega: [to the Third Doctor] Are you sure that you and he are of the same intelligence?
Second Doctor: You couldn't run me up a quick recorder, could you? It's a little thing about this long with holes in. I've lost mine, you see.
Omega: [to the Third Doctor] I will tell you of the task that lies before you.
Second Doctor: It's not much to ask, a small recorder!
Third Doctor: Please, ignore him. Just ignore him. He's incorrigibly frivolous.
Second Doctor: Just because you're not musical!
Third Doctor: Please! Will you stop interrupting? Continue.
Omega: Continue? [thunder and the palace wobbles] While you play stupid childish games? You face annihilation, do you know that? You, your entire race, your precious terrestrials, everything, and what do you do? Huh? You wrangle and babble of pipes!
Second Doctor: It's not a pipe!
- When the Gel surrounds the TARDIS and everyone is trapped inside, an annoyed Brigadier voices his disdain toward the Second Doctor's recorder:Second Doctor: If only I could find my recorder, I could play you a little something to pass the time.
Brigadier: [in a very smug and condescending tone] We must be thankful for small mercies.
- And then a bit of Take That, Us, when the Second Doctor declares that he's going to try and confuse the antimatter monster with useless information, and wonders if there's a television handy.
- The Crowning Moment, however, is the Second's evaluation of the new TARDIS interior, and accidentally starting a Running Gag.
- "Carnival of Monsters": Of all people, Orum, one of the bland, beige bureaucrat Inter Minorans gets a major burn when the Lurman Vorg remarks how much his race and the "Tellurians" look alike:Orum: Yes, the resemblance is unpleasant...
- "Frontier in Space":
- The Doctor and the Master are brought before the Emperor of the Draconians, a race on the brink of war with humanity.The Master: Nobody could be more devoted to the cause of peace than I. As a Commissioner of Earth's Interplanetary Police, I have devoted my life to the cause of law and order. And law and order can only exist in a time of peace.
The Doctor: Are you feeling alright, old chap?
- While in pursuit of the Doctor, the Master hilariously loses patience with one of his not-very-intelligent Ogron lackeys:Ogron: Look!
The Master: That must be them! No other ship would be on a course for Earth at a time like this.
Ogron: We are on a course for Earth!
The Master: WELL NATURALLY, BECAUSE WE'RE CHASING THEM! Oh, keep quiet and let me think!
- The Doctor and the Master are brought before the Emperor of the Draconians, a race on the brink of war with humanity.
- "The Green Death":
- The entire bit where the Doctor has to disguise himself to get into the offices, first as an incredibly boring milkman, then as a Welsh cleaning lady. Mike Yates' reaction to his disguise is the best part.The Doctor: [in an old-lady voice] You say one word...
Mike: [looks at the Doctor's bucket] ...I like your handbag.
The Doctor: Do you? Well watch out I don't slosh you with it! [flings the bucket at Mike]
- Jo takes a swipe at Cliff Jones while he isn't listening after babying her one time too many:Cliff: First things first.
Jo: Okay, well what shall I do?
Cliff: Keep me company, make some coffee?
[he returns to his work]
Jo: [her jackass button now pushed HARD] Like a dutiful tea girl?
Cliff: [not listening] Fine.
Jo: In a frilly cap and an apron?
Cliff: [still not listening] Perfect.
Jo: [spitefully as all hell] ...Would you like a nice cup of arsenic?
Cliff: [completely absent from the conversation] Fine, fine, whatever you've got.
- In Part 5, the Doctor has been put in a Global Chemicals holding cell. After a rest from his mental battle against BOSS's brainwashing, he hears someone coming and thinks a guard is about to open the cell. The Doctor would naturally take him hostage and force the guard to let him out. However, in steps Mike and the Doctor accidentally uses Venusian Aikido on him and throttles Mike against a wall. Followed by this exchange:The Doctor: HAI!!
The Doctor: Captain Yates, my dear fellow, how terribly sorry I am! [lets go of Mike]
Mike: Think nothing of it... [THUD!] [collapses to the floor]
- Part 6: Benton gets a little too amused when he throws fungi at killer mutant maggots and forgets the situation at hand:Benton: Kitty, kitty, kitty! Come on, come and get your lovely din-dins! Come on, kitty, kit-
The Doctor: [repulsed and irritated] Sergeant Benton!
- On the DVD, there's a special feature called Global Conspiracy! which is a mockumentary about the goings on in Llanfairfach in the 1970s. The funniest bit was when the host (Mark Gatiss) goes to Global Chemicals, and something like this happens:Host: I'd like to speak to the boss.
Brainwashed Guard: Only Mr. Stevens may speak to the BOSS.
Host: May I speak to Mr. Stevens?
Guard: No. You must be destroyed.
- The entire bit where the Doctor has to disguise himself to get into the offices, first as an incredibly boring milkman, then as a Welsh cleaning lady. Mike Yates' reaction to his disguise is the best part.
- "The Time Warrior":
- This:Meg: Women will never be free while there are men in the world, girl. We have our place.
Sarah Jane: [appalled] What subservient poppycock. You're still living in the Middle Ages!note
- Also everything involving Irongron. Think Alan Rickman as the Sheriff of Nottingham. Only 10 times crazier, 1000 times louder and with a deadpan alien straight man to play off of.
- The Sontaran, Linx, when confronted with the fact that humans have two separate genders:Linx: Ah, I understand. You have a primary and a secondary reproductive cycle. [beat] It is an inefficient system, you should change it.
- The Doctor takes a shot at his TARDIS when it unusually lands without a hitch in 13th century England:
- Immediately followed by a confused Sarah leaving the TARDIS after her first and accidental trip to the past, not even knowing what exactly happened.Sarah: It's still only a police box... I must find a telephone.
- Professor Rubeish. Firstly, his name:Joseph: Rubeish.
The Doctor: I beg your pardon? [thought he said "Rubbish"]
Joseph: Joseph Rubeish.
The Doctor: Oh, I see. I'm so sorry. Hello. How do you do?
- Secondly, he misunderstands the Doctor and gets lost in his own eccentricities:The Doctor: Rubeish! Professor, over here quickly.
Joseph: Is that you, Doctor? I thought you were going?
The Doctor: A change of plan, old chap. Look, I want your help.
Joseph: Are you wearing a hat?
The Doctor: Look, behind me you'll find a panel. There's a switch on it.
Joseph: It's dangerous, you know. Overheats the brain. Panel. Oh yes, I've got it.
The Doctor: Right, turn the switch.
Joseph: Always thought that's why judges are so peculiar. It's those wigs they wear.
The Doctor: [pained] No! No! That's the wrong- No, man!
Joseph: Sorry. I do wish I'd brought my glasses.
The Doctor: Yes, so do I. It was the wrong one.
Joseph: Is this the one?
[click and no zap. The Doctor slumps down in the chair to prompt the zap. No response. He takes the headset off]
The Doctor: Yes, that was the one. Thank you very much indeed, Professor.
Joseph: Not at all, Smith.
The Doctor: Smith. Yes, of course. Look, will you excuse me? I've got to go and find a young girl. I'll see you later, I hope.
Joseph: Young girl..? I should have thought he was a bit old for that sort of thing. Oh well.
- Secondly, he misunderstands the Doctor and gets lost in his own eccentricities:
- Moments after being freed from Linx's machine, the Doctor runs into Irongron and Bloodaxe:The Doctor: [pleasantly] Ah, good evening. [extends hand for handshake, Bloodaxe takes the Doctor's hand] HAI!! [the Doctor pulls him forward and down, and Irongron trips over him]
Irongron: GET AFTER HIM!! CALL THE GUARDS!!
- Part 3: Irongron's description of the Doctor:Irongron: Is this Doctor a long-shanked rascal with a mighty nose?
- A guard vouching for Irongron when the Doctor and Sarah pose as friars:"You will find Captain Irongron in the great hall. He is indeed a kindly and charitable man and his temper is most sweet and pleasant."
- After the Doctor and Sarah are allowed entrance and the guard thinks they're out of earshot:"It is to be hoped the two friars are fleet of foot, or the church will have two new martyrs ere long!"
[both guards crack up]
- Part 4: The Doctor merrily whistles as he leaves Irongron's castle with Sarah. He gestures for the two gullible guards outside an entrance to come forward, and they stupidly walk up to him. The Doctor shows off his hands until the guards' attention is fixed on them... then they get a taste of Venusian Aikido.
- "Invasion of the Dinosaurs":
- The Doctor and Sarah posing for their mug shots.
- The Doctor almost uses Venusian Aikido on the Brigadier of all people after being told soldiers were searching for them, not realizing it isn't the bunch who want them locked up, but UNIT.The Doctor: Hai-aah-ahh...! [stops himself from landing a neck chop, laughs sheepishly] B-Brigadier. [awkwardly tucks attacking hand behind head out of sight]
Brigadier: [flatly] What do you think you're doing, Doctor...?
- Benton once again gets too enthusiastic about a crisis and injects inappropriate humour:The Doctor: How many of these things have been seen up to now?
Brigadier: Well, the pins record the sighting-
Benton: [stealing the Brig's thunder] It's a colour code, Doctor. We're using red pins for Tyrannosaurus, blue for Triceratops, green for the Stegosaurus [grinning with amusement] and pink for your actual Pterodactyl.
Brigadier: [looks at him with annoyance] ...Thank you, Benton.
- Sarah and the Brig asking the Doctor what he's doing after he already explained his stun gun to Yates. He doesn't like it.Sarah: What did you say that thing is?
The Doctor: I didn't.
Sarah: Can I help at all?
The Doctor: No.
Sarah: Oh, come on, Doctor. I'm supposed to be your assistant. There must be something I can do.
The Doctor: Well, there is.
The Doctor: Go away.
Sarah: Oh. All right, I'll go and chat up that nice Captain Yates.
The Doctor: Yeah, I'm sure he'd enjoy that.
Sarah: I'll leave you in peace then.
[Sarah leaves. The Doctor emphatically locks the door behind her to prevent any more disruptions... unaware there's another entrance to the room. Enter:]
Brigadier: Ah, there you are, Doctor. Now, what are you up to?
The Doctor: [cringing] Oh, no!!
- Sarah going Screw This, I'm Outta Here!, and simply walking out of the spaceship and up the stairs to rejoin the plot.
- When Benton is ordered to lock up the Doctor, he turns his back, braces himself, and tells the Doctor to overwhelm him. Quite touched, the Doctor comes up, Benton stiffens in anticipation of getting karate-chopped...and the Doctor does a Vulcan neck pinch which barely hurts at all.
- "Death to the Daleks":
- The Doctor and Sarah's exchanges in Part 2:The Doctor: [to Sarah] Right, come on. [takes a few steps and stops] Stay there.
[The Doctor steps back to peer back into the cavern]
The Doctor:' The Daleks don't seem to be following us.
Sarah: Oh, those robot things, are they locals?
The Doctor: Hardly. They're probably the most technically advanced and ruthless life form in the galaxy.
Sarah: But if they're robots, how is it their power's not affected? They can't half move.
The Doctor: Because they're only half robot, Sarah. Inside each of those shells is a living, bubbling lump of hate.
Sarah: You mean they've got legs?
The Doctor: No, they move by psychokinetic power. note
Sarah: I see.
The Doctor: [sees through her phony response] Do you?
Sarah: [fed up with him] ...No...
- The Doctor shows little concern for Sarah's well-being:[a loud roar echoes through the caverns]
Sarah: That sounded awfully close.
The Doctor: Yes. Some sort of subterranean wind effect, I should think.
Sarah: Who are you kidding?
The Doctor: Myself, chiefly.
[Two Daleks enter the tunnel. An Exxilon begins to follow the Doctor and Sarah, spying on them. They reach a junction lit by candles on ledges, met with yet another roar]
Sarah: I just heard your "wind effect" gnashing its teeth. Well, which way now?
The Doctor: I think I'll make a short reconnaissance down this tunnel here. Alone.
The Doctor: Look, Sarah, I don't want anything creeping down behind me and blocking off my retreat, now do I? With you here on watch you can give me a warning.
Sarah: Well, who's going to warn me?
The Doctor: You're in a perfectly safe place here. You've got three different ways to run.
Sarah: [annoyed] Oh!
- The Doctor and Sarah's exchanges in Part 2:
- The Doctor trying and failing to break out of a dungeon cell in "The Monster of Peladon":[The Doctor's jailer has sat down; bored from his guard duty, he's sharpening his sword outside the Doctor's cell]
The Doctor: Guard? Guard, could I have a glass of water, please?
[the guard goes to fetch some from a nearby jug on a bench by the bars and the Doctor makes a grab for the jail cell keys on his belt. The guard senses the trick and whirls around, very huffed]
The Doctor: Now, now, now, no need to be aggressive. There's no harm in trying, is there? Look, what about my glass of water?
[the guard spitefully dumps the beaker of water back into the jug]
The Doctor: Good health.
- "Planet of the Spiders":
- This gem when a policeman in a panda car gets mixed in Part 2's high-speed chase:Policeman: Panda Three to Control. I'm at the junction of Mallet Lane with Athenum Road. Nothing to report. Over.
Control (OC): Received, Panda Three. Your message timed at ten fifteen. Out.
[the stolen Whomobile whizzes by, followed closely by UNIT in Bessie, then the Doctor in a gyrocopter]
Policeman: Panda Three to control. I've just spotted a silver hovercraft being chased by an old crock at ninety miles an hour, and there's a little tiny helicopter after them both! I'm in pursuit. Over.
Control (OC): Thank you, Panda Three. Signal if you need assistance. [beat] What did you say??
- Later in the same episode, the Doctor commandeers a hovercraft and accidentally flies over an unsuspecting tramp who has laid down for a nap. The sheer look of confusion that comes over the poor man's face says it all.
- In Part 4, Sarah's Hope Spot when the Doctor arrives where she has been cocooned.[The Doctor enters the cell]
Sarah: Doctor! You're alive! I knew you'd come. [The Doctor gives her a sobering look, resigned and pouty, like he's used to this kind of mess, and points to two guards behind him that enter the room, letting her know he's been captured, too]
Sarah: [frustrated whining] Oh, Doctor.
- This gem when a policeman in a panda car gets mixed in Part 2's high-speed chase:
- The Fourth Doctor trying on clothes, which include a Viking costume, the King of Hearts, and a clown outfit (a pierrot). By the time he achieves his Bohemian look, the only reason he doesn't keep going back to the wardrobe is because the Brigadier has lost patience and dismissively approves it because this is the first outfit that's remotely tolerable in public.
- Later on, the Brigadier is mentioning how (naturally) the only nation capable of being trusted with the nuclear secrets of America, Russia, and China was Great Britain.The Doctor: Well, naturally. I mean, the rest were all foreigners.
Brigadier: Well, exactly. [turns as he realizes that wasn't a compliment]
- "The Ark in Space":
- This:The Doctor: You're improving, Harry!
Harry: Am I really?
The Doctor: Yes, your mind is beginning to work! It's entirely due to my influence, of course. You mustn't take credit.
- When the Doctor and Harry are exploring the ship they are on and realize Sarah is trapped behind a door:The Doctor: There must be a remote control. You haven't touched anything have you, Harry?
The Doctor: Well, there are only two of us here and your name is Harry.
- An easy-to-miss and probably unintentional, yet rather hilarious moment, in which Harry wins the Captain Obvious award of the century:Noah: [near tears and clearly in agony as he barely manages to choke the words out] Vira. Vira, there's no time. They're in my mind, getting stronger. Libri is dead. You will all die. Must save our people. You must!
Harry: [100% genuine] The chap sounds in a bad way.
[Sarah Jane rolls her eyes]
- "Genesis of the Daleks":
- The Doctor and Harry struggle to find anyone civil among their Kaled captors:The Doctor: Good. Well, now [Nyder's] gone, any chance of a cup of tea?
The Doctor: Or coffee. My friend and I have had a very trying experience. Haven't we had a trying experience, Harry?
Harry: Very trying, Doctor.
Tane: Step into the security scan.
The Doctor: What, no tea?
Tane: Let me point out to you that you have no rights whatsoever. I have full authority to torture and kill any prisoner who does not comply absolutely with my orders. That is your first and last warning.
The Doctor: No tea, Harry.
- "Excuse me, can you help me? I'm a spy!" [grins and bashes guards' heads together]
- In a surprising bit of Black Comedy, theres Davros' deadpan response when the Thals ask why he would help them commit genocide on his own people:
- The Doctor and Harry struggle to find anyone civil among their Kaled captors:
- "Revenge of the Cybermen":[The Doctor is unconscious due to a rockslide Harry Sullivan started. Harry tries to unbuckle the Doctor's harness which, if tampered with, will detonate the bomb the Doctor is wearing. The Doctor awakes and stops him]
The Doctor: Harry, were you trying to undo this?
Harry: Well, naturally.
The Doctor: Did you make the rocks fall, Harry?
Harry: Well, I suppose... I suppose I must have done, yes.
The Doctor: Ehehehe. Eheheheeheeheeheehahahahaha- [takes deep breath] HARRY SULLIVAN IS AN IMBECILE!!! [passes back out, leaving Harry looking very bewildered]
- "Pyramids of Mars":
- Poacher Ernie Clements, sneaking around the priory in Part 2, hears a shuffling sound. He grabs his shotgun and checks out what it is... and it's an Osirian Service Robot who got its foot stuck in his trap, and is stomping around trying to get it off. Even though you can't see the robot's face at all, you can literally feel its annoyance. Like "What is this human device? SUTEKH! HEEEEEELLLLP! How do I get this off?"
- The robots themselves are actually considered adorable by most standards, from the way they walk to when they unpack the warhead. Marcus asks them if they understand his orders and they both nod at once.
- And then, right after that, a cut to The Doctor. Disguised. As one of the robots. How the hell did Sarah Jane manage to fit his hair into the disguise?Sarah: Must have been a nasty accident!
The Doctor: Don't provoke me.
- The way the Doctor said he was accused of starting the Great Fire of London, only for us to learn years later he was the cause of said fire (as the Fifth Doctor). You gotta admit that in itself is kinda funny.
- In the finale, as Sutekh's minions get closer and closer to freeing him, there's a part where the Doctor and Sarah walk into a chamber, where one of the robots is already standing. Without missing a beat, they turn, in unison, and leave with the robot none the wiser. Tom and Liz actually came up with this one right in the middle of filming.
- While looking through Ernie's hut for explosives, Sarah casually tosses some to the Doctor. He chastises her that the stuff is so unstable that one good sneeze could set it off. When he muses where the detonator is, Sarah jokes, "Perhaps he sneezed". The Doctor then shoots her an epic Death Glare.
- There's a special feature in the DVD called Oh, Mummy!, which is a mockumentary about Sutekh's career after being on Doctor Who.
- Sutekh being a milkman:Sutekh: I bring Sutekh's gift of milk to all human life... [holds up milk carton labeled "Pyramids of Moo's"] That'll be 48 pence, please.
- Sutekh having his mask cleaned by a woman:Sutekh: You missed a bit. [kills woman]
- Sutekh practising entomology:Sutekh: Abase yourself! Before me you are nothing but an ant, you... ant. [fires laser at ground]
- Sutekh's pet rabbit:Sutekh: His name is Neil... Neil... Neil before the might of Sutekh.
- "Everywhere I walk I bring darkness!" [lights go out, followed by a big crash]
- Sukteh and producer Philip Hinchcliffe testing his suitability for the role via Hinchcliffe burning stacks of things and Sutekh keeping the flames back using only his mind:Sutekh: ...But we later found out we burned something called "Fury from the Deep". [Sutekh stands next to a burning pile of film reels]
- After Doctor Who, the BBC tries using him in a show called Seek Sutekh, in which he hides in people's houses, and then jumps out going, "Grrr!"
- And the very end, where Sutekh gets up and walks away to reveal the hand of a stage hand behind him.
- Sutekh being a milkman:
- Poacher Ernie Clements, sneaking around the priory in Part 2, hears a shuffling sound. He grabs his shotgun and checks out what it is... and it's an Osirian Service Robot who got its foot stuck in his trap, and is stomping around trying to get it off. Even though you can't see the robot's face at all, you can literally feel its annoyance. Like "What is this human device? SUTEKH! HEEEEEELLLLP! How do I get this off?"
- "The Android Invasion": The Doctor isn't himself after a bit of questioning.The Doctor: [as Sarah tries to lift him up] Once upon a time, there were three lovely little sisters, and they all lived at the bottom of a treacle well. Are you listening, Tilly?
Sarah: I'm Sarah! Sarah!
- "The Brain of Morbius":
- The Doctor's greeting to Solon and Condo, in the pouring rain.The Doctor: Excuse me, could you spare a glass of water?
- The Doctor's response to being woken by the Sisterhood is to comment that "I was out and I had a lot to drink."
- "If you're going to sit there wallowing in self-pity, I'll bite your nose." This is his response to Sarah going temporarily blind and, understandably, freaking out.
- The Doctor and Sarah refer to Morbius as "Potpourri" and "Chop-Suey the Galactic Emperor". To his "face".note
- The Doctor's greeting to Solon and Condo, in the pouring rain.
- "The Masque of Mandragora":
- "The Hand of Fear": Sarah's reaction to realising that the street she's been dropped off in is not Hillview Road, and probably isn't even South Croydon. Check "School Reunion" in the Series 2 Funny page to see how that Brick Joke played out.
- "The Face of Evil": The wonderful deadly jelly baby scene:The Doctor: Now drop your weapons, or I'll kill him with this deadly jelly baby.
Pissed-off Tribal: Kill him then.
The Doctor: What.
Pissed-off Tribal: Kill him then.
The Doctor: I don't take orders from anyone. [noms jelly baby] Take me to your leader.
- The best part is that the jelly baby gag was a last minute change (the Doctor was originally supposed to wield a knife). Somehow, the jelly baby is far more believable.
- Upon being offered a Jelly Baby, Leela gasps, "It is true then. They say the Evil One eats babies." The Doctor is rather put out.
- "The Robots of Death": D84's reaction when Leela throws a dismembered Voc hand at him.D84: Please do not throw hands at me.
- "The Talons of Weng-Chiang":
- Almost everything Jago says to the Doctor or Litefoot.
- Leela asks what the tribe in London is. The Doctor's response? Cockneys.
- Chang making a captured minion take a cyanide pill? Sinister. The man dropping dead and the Doctor assuming it's a magic trick? Black Comedy at its finest.
- The Doctor calling out Leela for being conspicuous in her Fur Bikini while dressed as Sherlock Holmes in Victorian London. Which also becomes Hilarious in Hindsight after "The Snowmen."
- Leela calling Magnus Greel "bent face".
- Leela accepting Litefoot's offer of a carving knife, tucking it into her sheath then eating an entire roast with her hands. Litefoot, a Victorian gentleman through and through who would rather die than embarrass a guest, picks up a whole turkey and joins in her savagery.
- When Casey the doorman tries to explain what he saw to Mr. Jago was not a hallucination. Jago accuses his doorman of being drunk, then we get this exchange:Jago: [in an accusing tone] You've been drinkin'.
Casey: Not a drop sir.
Jago: [hands him a bottle] Then it's time you started.
- Right after the villains have all been defeated and everyone's recovering, the Doctor joyously offers to buy all his friends muffins.
- "Horror of Fang Rock" has a few:
- This:Leela: You will do as the Doctor instructs or I will cut out your heart!
- The inexplicably happy and excited delivery of this line:The Doctor: Gentlemen, I have news! This lighthouse is under attack, and by morning we might all be dead!
- Anyone familiar with the character should burst out laughing at the sight of Leela in that pretty dress and sunhat at the beginning of the serial.
- From "The Invisible Enemy":Leela: Doctor, I've worked out how to stop them!
Fourth Doctor: How?
Leela: Knife them in the neck!
- "The Invasion of Time":
- When the Doctor gives Andred his jelly babies, we get this line:The Doctor: [whispers] Don't mention this to the Chancellor. He doesn't approve of jelly babies, I think he's frivolous.
- The Doctor spends the serial pretending to be Drunk with Power, which he naturally channels through jelly babies at one point. He won't even move to take them out of his own pocket and makes the Castellan do it instead.Castellan: What color would you prefer, sir?
The Doctor: ORANGE.
[pause as the Castellan pokes anxiously through the bag]
Castellan: ...There doesn't appear to be an orange one
[the Doctor slams it out of his hand]
The Doctor: One grows tired of jelly babies, Castellan.
- Also, Leela hanging out with Rodan, the Time Lady who's overqualified for her job.Rodan: I do find astrophysics a bore, I must say, but then one must fight them on their own terms, don't you think?
Leela: [imitating her] Oh one must, one must, yes.
- One of the funniest moments in the entire show is when the Doctor gets lost in his own TARDIS and brings Leela and Rodan through the same room six times. When Leela confronts him about it, he says he knows the TARDIS like the back of his hand, while looking at the front of his hand.
- K-9 manages to be bossy and sassy with Andred:K-9: I'm in charge. We will now trace the circuit again and fuse it.
Andred: But the circuit is part of the Academy. Instruction and investigation control.
K9: We will give them a day off school. Blow it.
- When the Doctor gives Andred his jelly babies, we get this line:
- "The Ribos Operation":
- Romana's introduction:Romana: My name is Romanadvoratrelundar.
The Doctor: Well I'm so sorry about that, is there anything we can do?
- Once Romana explains she was sent by the Gallifreyan High Council, both the Doctor and K9 back up a few paces as if to say "Oh crap! Oh crap! Oh crap!"
- It doesn't end there, either:The Doctor: I'll call you Romana.
Romana: I don't like Romana.
The Doctor: It's either Romana or Fred!
Romana: [genuinely happy at the idea] All right, call me Fred.
The Doctor: Right. [beat] Come on Romana!
- Moments after the Doctor tells Romana to always expect the unexpected, he gets himself caught in a net trap.
- And don't forget about this:Romana: I may be inexperienced, but I did graduate from the academy with a triple first.
The Doctor: I suppose you think we should be impressed by that too.
Romana: Well, it's better than scraping through with 51% the second attempt.
The Doctor: That information is confidential!
- The Doctor having to explain to Romana that Unstoffe is a con man.Romana: You mean you didn't believe his story?
The Doctor: No.
Romana: But he had such an honest face.
The Doctor: Romana, you can't be a successful crook with a dishonest face, can you?
- Romana's introduction:
- "The Pirate Planet":
- Later:[the Doctor and Romana, in pursuit by two guards, have just arrived at the end of a particle-accelerating tunnel with an inertia neutraliser which brings their occupants to a halt at the end so they can exit safely]
The Doctor: Wait a minute. The inertia neutraliser. You know, I think the conservation of momentum is a very important law in physics, don't you?
The Doctor: I don't think anyone should tamper with it, do you?
[the Doctor pulls out a control unit, moves a wire and puts it back. When their pursuers reach the end of the corridor, rather than stopping, they are flung out and crash into a wall]
The Doctor: Newton's revenge.
- When the Doctor steals a hover car from one of the Captain's soldiers, he smiles and waves at the man. The soldier waves back, a look of utter confusion on his face.
- The scene where the Captain puts out an order for the Doctor's capture, only to have the Doctor enter the bridge. In the same take.
- And a hilarious bit of dialogue between Romana and a soldier when the soldier sees her with a telescope:Soldier: This is a forbidden object.
Soldier: That is a forbidden question. You are a stranger?
Romana: Well, yes...
Soldier: Strangers are forbidden.
Romana: I did come with the Doctor.
Soldier: Who is the...
Romana: Don't tell me. Doctors are forbidden as well.
- The Doctor, at one point, says the following to the Captain:"What do you really want? You don't really want to take over the universe, do you? No. You wouldn't know what to do with it beyond shout at it."
- K-9 explains why the locals respond to Romana but not to the Doctor:K-9: She is prettier than you, Master.
- The Captain's comparatively understated reaction to seeing K-9:Captain: What the planet's bane is that?
- Don't forget this.Captain: MISTER FIBULI!!!!!!
- "The Stones of Blood":
- Pretty much the entirety of the Doctor's trial. To clarify, the Doctor is being tried by two sentient sparkles. And he begins by putting on a wool-knit judge's wig that he pulls out of his coat. Which he wears for the rest of the episode.
- The Doctor asks "Anyone for tennis?" when the TARDIS arrives. Romana expresses confusion and K-9 starts rattling off a lot about tennis.Romana: Oh, forget it.
K-9: Forget. Eraaaase memory banks concerning tennis. [ears swivel back and forth] Memory erased.
- Mrs. Romford carries a policemans truncheon in case she got mugged. When she took it to America, she got arrested for carrying an offensive weapon.
- Emilia Rumford is having trouble understanding the Doctor at one point:Emilia: I still don't understand about Hyperspace.
The Doctor: Well, who does?
K-9: I do.
The Doctor: Oh, shut up, K-9!
- When preparing to send the Doctor into hyperspace:The Doctor: Right. Now remember, you've only got thirty seconds and then pow!
The Doctor: Yes. Pow. Pow is a technical expression, Professor. It means that all the microcircuitry will fuse into one great urgh! of molten metal.
- Then, in the same scene:
- "The Androids of Tara": Similar to the "expect the unexpected" bit in "The Ribos Operation" mentioned above: in the final episode, as the Doctor steps off the boat to sneak into Castle Gracht, he tells K-9 to stand guard, and above all else, be careful. "Be careful." He disappears into the castle. A few seconds later, we hear him go "WHOOOOA", followed by a huge crash.K-9: Master?
- "The Armageddon Factor":
- The Doctor when he is tempted by the power of the Key to Time, a device that makes its bearer all-powerful.
- And again, K-9 gets a bit of ego-snark in:The Doctor: We all make mistakes. Don't we, K-9?
- The Shadow places a control device on the Doctor's neck, then gloats that the Doctor is now completely in his power. The Doctor immediately plucks it off: "Really? Do you mean because of that?"
- "Destiny of the Daleks":
- "City of Death":
- Particularly Episode 2, which may well be the wittiest 24 minutes in the history of the franchise.Countess Scarlioni: My dear, I don't think he's as stupid as he seems.
Count Scarlioni: My dear, nobody could be as stupid as he seems.
The Doctor: Hello there!
- The Doctor to the Countess: "Well, you're a beautiful woman, probably..."
- And John Cleese and Eleanor Bron still have the funniest joke in the episode, critiquing the TARDIS as a piece of modern art.
- "I say, what a wonderful butler, he's so violent!"
- Duggan's persistent "methodology":Romana: How do you suggest we get out?
Duggan: See that window? *CRASH*
- Also:Duggan: You can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs.
Romana: If you wanted an omelette, I'd expect to find a pile of broken crockery, a cooker in flames, and an unconscious chef!
- The Doctor and Romana enter a Paris café.The Doctor: Two glasses of water. Make them double.
- Particularly Episode 2, which may well be the wittiest 24 minutes in the history of the franchise.
- "The Creature from the Pit":
- Romana calling herself the Doctor's "commander". The D/s Double Entendre was entirely intentional.
- In the cold open, Romana trying to be productive while the Doctor and K-9 are getting very, very into reading The Tale of Peter Rabbit together.
- K-9's firm insistence that he is not made of tin.Karela: If I say you're made of tin, you horrible little animal, you're made of tin!
- Just for the sheer unexpectedness of it, the Doctor responding to Adrasta's threats toward Romana in an attempt to force information out of him by... jumping down a well with no warning.
- And then his struggles to construct a way out of the situation, involving a carabiner, his scarf, and a book written in Tibetan.
- The fact that he pulls the book out, exclaims "It's written in Tibetan!", struggles to place it in his free hand, and then pulls out another book entitled Teach Yourself Tibetan.
- Also, the fact that the TARDIS telepathic circuits can, apparently, translate languages from the far-flung parts of the universe, but not obscure Earth languages.
- The discussion about the discarded TARDIS distress transceiver. The Doctor removed it because he was constantly getting messages from Gallifrey asking for help.Romana: That's what it's for, to receive and send distress signals!
The Doctor: I was never in distress!
- "The Horns of Nimon":
- This:The Doctor: That's very odd...
- From the same story:Sardor: Can you make it work?
The Doctor: [ignoring him] Have you noticed how people's intellectual curiosity declines sharply the moment they start waving guns about?
Sardor: Can you make it work!
The Doctor: YES! Oh yes. I can make it work. The question is can we generate power soon enough to take the ship to escape velocity before we fall into a black hole over the event horizon?
Sardor: The what?
The Doctor: Shh-shh. You just hold the gun steady. Don't tax your mind.
- Soldeed's EVERY LINE! (You meddlesome hussy!! MY DREAMS OF CON-QUEST!!)
- And who can forget:The Doctor: Ooh, my gravitic anomalyzer!
- Regarding Soldeed:Seth: He lives in the power complex.
Romana: That fits.
- Even Soldeed's death is hilarious: Graham Crowden hams it up so much he can't even keep a straight face, but the character is so insanely over the top that it works.Soldeed: You fools! You are all doomed... DOOOM*gk*HahahahaHAHA!
- The way that Romana builds a sonic screwdriver good enough that the Doctor tries to pickpocket it, and Romana casually stops him.
- When the Doctor and Romana tell Professor Chronotis that they heard a babble of inhuman voices, he shrugs it off as probably just undergraduates talking to one another.Chronotis: I've tried to have it banned.
- The mere fact that Chronotis has been hanging around Cambridge for 300 years... and, he implies, he's never had to meddle with anyone's mind, because they're too polite to bring it up.
- When the Doctor and Romana tell Professor Chronotis that they heard a babble of inhuman voices, he shrugs it off as probably just undergraduates talking to one another.
- "Warriors' Gate":
- The Doctor is attacked by a robot knight that slices through the axe he's holding, leaving him only holding the useless end of the handle. The episode cuts to a sequence with Romana and Adric, and by the time we get back to the Doctor he's holding a whole armful of broken axe handles.
- In the same story, anything involving the malfunctioning K9, especially when he's paired with Adric. It's a shame they didn't get more time together.Adric: You mean you're worse than useless?
- Near the end of "Logopolis", when the Doctor and the Master are being pursued by the Pharos Project guards. Adric and Nyssa, having heard that the giant dish they're trying to reach is used for attempted contact with aliens, come up with the following diversion (although it's very blink-and-you-miss-it since it happens in the background):Adric: Nyssa and I have heard your message from across the universe and have come to answer your call!
Guard: Message? What? Now, who are you?
Nyssa: We're the alien beings!
- And he does it again at the beginning of "Castrovalva".
- We have the Doctor running up to a group of washerwomen and asking them the way out.Washerwomen: [all point in different directions]
Fifth Doctor: Yes, well, that's democracy for you.
- The newly-regenerated Doctor takes a while to realise Adric is missing, and then struggles to remember exactly how many companions he has. And how to count.The Doctor: One... two... one... two...
Girl: Three, sir.
The Doctor: What?
Girl: Three comes after two, sir.
The Doctor: You know, that's exactly what I thought.
Girl: And then four, and five, and...
The Doctor: Stop, you're making me dizzy!
- Tegan asks what a Zero Room is:Nyssa: I suppose it's some sort of neutral environment. An isolated space cut off from the rest of the universe.
Tegan: He should've told me that's what he wanted. I could've shown him Brisbane.
- We have the Doctor running up to a group of washerwomen and asking them the way out.
- "Kinda": The Doctor and Adric's coin game. Not only funny, but the Doctor is just plain adorable while repeatedly being pwned by Adric.
- The Punch and Judy show in "Snakedance".
- This little exchange in Enlightenment.Tegan: I hope it's not going to be too rough. I'm not a very good sailor.
The Doctor: Oh, brave heart, Tegan.
Tegan: It's not my heart I'm worried about, Doctor.
- Then theres the moment that The Doctor, having introduced himself to the crew, realizes that doctor was their contemporary slang for the ships cook.
- One of the cast commentaries for "The Five Doctors" qualifies. Carol Ann Ford (Susan), Nicholas Courtney (The Brigadier), Lis Sladen (Sarah Jane Smith), and Mark Strickson (Turlough) toss out some good lines, but when they get near the infamous part where the Castellan gets dragged away, they all suddenly go real quiet. Then the moment comes, and they all chorus, "NO, NOT THE MIND PROBE!"
- It's more in the delivery than anything, but this exchange:Brigadier: Where are we going?
2nd Doctor: To the Tower. To Rassilon, the greatest single figure in Time Lord history.
Brigadier: Is that where he lives?
2nd Doctor: Not exactly, Brigadier. It's his tomb.
- Another Second Doctor and the Brigadier moment:Second Doctor: Have faith, Brigadier. Have I ever led you astray?
Brigadier: [sourly] On several occasions.
Second Doctor: Yes, well... this will be an exception.
- The Second Doctor upon meeting the Brigadier's replacement:"Mine was pretty unpromising as well."
- As the Second Doctor and the Brigadier reach the tower entrance, the Brigadier overhears the Doctor's singing. And much like Barbara before him, wonders what horrible noise he's making.Second Doctor: [sings merrily as they reach the tower door]
Brigadier: Are you in pain, Doctor?
- The companions muse as the Doctors talk amongst themselves.Brigadier: Typical. Absolutely typical.
Sarah Jane: Oh, I know. He drags you halfway across time and space without a by-your-leave, then sticks you on the sidelines just when things get interesting.
Tegan: Mine's no better.
- Shortly after he arrives in the Dead Zone, the Master is shot at with laser guns. His first response is to look up and say rather casually:"Not the most hospitable of environments."
- Once everyone is saved, the Fourth Doctor and Romana head into the TARDIS to new adventures like nothing happened. The Doctor even gets his scarf stuck in the TARDIS door.
- The Doctors' goodbyes, while heartwarming on one level, are totally hilarious on another.
- Notice that while the First Doctor is telling the Fifth he's glad his future is in safe hands, Five is looking distinctly unimpressed.
- Two and Three shake hands, then go back to calling each other names, like "Fancy Pants" and "Scarecrow". But the scarecrow jab is a little Harsher in Hindsight considering what happens to Two in the comic "The Night Walkers".
- The Third Doctor accuses the Fifth of having no taste in fashion, while Two gives him a rather skeptical look.
- Once all the Doctor's other incarnations are gone:"I'm definitely not the man I was... Thank goodness."
- The Fifth Doctor's reaction to discovering he's just been made President of Gallifrey. He just looks like a little kid who has to attend an award ceremony in his honoir, when all he really wants to do is just play outside.
- After Rassilon tricks Borusa into claiming a form of immortality with a huge price, he asks the Doctors if they will claim immortality, too. All of them sheepishly reply no. Funnier, the individual Doctors decline immortality in ways matching their personalities. One, shocked, says no fearfully. Two backs away and cowers. Three politely and delicately turns the offer down. Five bluntly and emphatically rejects the offer. And the whole lot are afraid that Rassilon will exact his wrath on them at the slightest excuse.
- Judging from his personality, if Four was there with his other incarnations, knowing how smug and superior he likes to act, he would have probably bantered back at Rassilon's dark sense of humour.
- The Doctor tells Flavia he'll be right back, just as soon as he's dropped off Tegan and Turlough.
- "Warriors of the Deep": One of the villains runs into the Myrka and tries to fight it! Let's just say it doesn't end well.
- "Frontios": The Doctor has to pass Tegan off as an android.The Doctor: I got this one cheap because the walk's not quite right. And then there's the accent...
Tegan: [silently stares daggers at him]
- "Resurrection of the Daleks" has Davros' reaction upon hearing that the Daleks lost the Dalek-Movellan war.
- "Planet of Fire":
- Peri pulls off two of these in her debut story:The Master: You will obey me.
The Master: I am the Master!
Peri: So what? I'm Perpugilliam Brown and I can shout just as loud as you can!
- And, later on:Peri: Oh, I've seen everything today. A transgalactic payphone, my stepfather who turns into a robot, and... a robot who turns into a gangster!
- When the Doctor reluctantly agrees to allow Peri to travel with him:The Doctor: All right. Why not.
[the Doctor flips a switch on the console which makes the TARDIS jerk, causing the Doctor and Peri to grab onto the console]
The Doctor: Welcome aboard, Peri.
- Peri pulls off two of these in her debut story:
- "The Caves of Androzani":
- This:Peri: You're a very confusing person to be around....
- Morgus finds his secretary has started turning on him.Morgus: I don't care for your tone.
Frau Trimin: I wish I could only say the same about you.
- "Attack of the Cybermen":
- "The Mark of the Rani":
- The Rani, simply for accomplishing what no-one before or after has ever done. Kneeing the Master in the groin.
- After the Master spends most of the serial first seemingly flirting with her, and then resorting to blackmail when she reacts only with perpetual annoyance.The Master: I have always been one of your greatest admirers...
- Everything she says about his Stupid Evil status and obsession with the Doctor; she'd basically just like to continue working.
- And then, there's this piece of gold:The Doctor: ...the Rani really IS a genius! Maybe, if I'm really nice to her... No.
- "Vengeance on Varos": Peri says that she can't understand what Sil is saying. The governor confides in her that Sil's translator is broken, then asks Peri (who is about to be executed) not to mention it, since it provides him with his only enjoyment in life.
- "The Two Doctors":
- In part 3, after the Second Doctor has been partially converted into an Androgum, we see him and Shockeye in coats and top hats, ready to hit the town to try out the restaurants.
- While being seated at a restaurant:
- When the Second Doctor attempts to defend Jamie from alien cook Shockeye, who wishes to "buy" him, he cleverly maneuvers himself to the nearest cutting board. When Shockeye gets close enough, Two pulls, from behind his back, a cucumber. Which he quickly hands off to Shockeye.
- While Six is fishing, he explains to Peri that the local fish are magnificent to behold. He promptly gets a bite and brags about it. Only for his catch to be a far less impressive creature.Peri: [laughs at the small shrimp-like creature] Oh wow, Doctor, that must weigh very nearly an ounce.
The Doctor: Yes, but did you see the one that got away?
- When they first arrive on the station, Two tells Jamie to just stand back, stay quiet and admire his diplomatic skill. Later the Doctor and the administrator have a heated argument, and the Doctor grumpily asks Jamie why he's smiling. Jamie just smirks:"I'm just admiring your diplomatic skills."
- The Second Doctor engaging in some Casual Danger Dialogue with Commander Stike.The Doctor: Tea time already, nurse?
- "The Mysterious Planet":
- This:Glitz: Do I look like a philanthropist to you?
Dibber: What's that?
Glitz: Someone who gives up everything they own out of the goodness of their heart.
Dibber: Oh, you mean they're stupid? Then you probably do look like one.
- The reveal of the only three surviving books: Moby-Dick, by Herman Melville, The Water Babies, by Charles Kingsley and, most mysterious and sacred of all, UK Habitats of the Canadian Goose by HM Stationery Office.Balazar: Perhaps at last we shall find the habitat of the Canadian goose.
- "The Ultimate Foe": Sabalom Glitz undercuts the Valeyard's rant:The Doctor: What I don't comprehend is why you want me dead. No. No, let me rephrase that. It would satisfy my curiosity to know why you should go to such extraordinary lengths to kill me.
Valeyard: Come now, Doctor. How else can I obtain my freedom, operate as a complete entity, unfettered by your side of my existence? Only by ridding myself of you and your misplaced morality, your constant crusading, your
Glitz: [cheerfully] Idiotic honesty?
Valeyard: [sternly annoyed] Oaf. Microbe.
Glitz: Pardon me for trying to help. I'm neutral in this set-up, you know.
- The Master tries hypnotizing Glitz with a pocket watch. It fails, not because Glitz has intense willpower, but because he's too busy trying to figure out what it's worth. The look on the Master's face is priceless.
- The Doctor constantly refusing to call the Valeyard by his proper name and instead saying "Brickyard", "Scrapyard", etc.
- "Time and the Rani":
- The Doctor foiling the Rani's plan by inducing multiple schizophrenia in the Master Brain with his gibberish proverbs is truly inspired:Voice 1: It is a fundamental postulate that all motion is relative.
The Doctor: You wouldn't say that if you met my uncle.
Voice 2: Dismissing our position as decadent heresy is the refuge of the reactionary.
The Doctor: Ah, well. Every dogma has its day.
The Rani: I'LL KILL HIM!
- The Doctor can't seem to get his wise old proverbs straight."Absence makes the nose grow longer!"
"A bird in the hand keeps the Doctor away?"
"Ahh, well every dogma has its day."
"Two wrongs don't make a left turn."
- The Doctor foiling the Rani's plan by inducing multiple schizophrenia in the Master Brain with his gibberish proverbs is truly inspired:
- "Delta and the Bannermen":
- The Mood Whiplash of the Doctor and Mel landing at a dingy, scarred spaceport, believing it to have been attacked by space pirates...and then the Tollmaster comes out with a kazoo.
- Hawk and Weismuller continuing the glorious tradition of Those Two Guys within Doctor Who, combined with a heavy dose of Take That! at Americans:"I'm calling from Wales, in England!"
- The Doctor mixing up his metaphors: "There's many a slap 'txit a cup and a lap."
- Burton's immortal line:"Now, let me try and get this right. Now, are you telling me that you are not the Happy Hearts Holiday Club from Bolton, but instead are spacemen in fear of an attack from some other spacemen, and because of the danger, you want me to evacuate the entire camp?"
- Gavrok and the Bannermen follow the tracking signal from the device they planted to a field, where they find it... tied to a goat.
- At one point, while Goronwy's reading at the table, the Doctor rushes in and asks for the honey. Without even looking up, Goronwy reaches into his pocket and pulls out the jar, which he plonks on the table. The Doctor and co rush out, with one of them taking the table. Goronwy continues to hold the book in precisely the same manner, seemingly not even noticing that he no longer has a table!
- As Mr. Burton is swinging his sword around and recalling his blood and thunder days, he almost skewers the Doctor.
- When the TARDIS departs, Goronwy just gives a knowing smile and wink.
- This amazing piece of dialogue:Woman: My milkshake's not shaken enough! It's got lumps in it!
Mel: It's supposed to have lumps in it! That's the ice cream!
Woman: I don't care! Shake it more!
Ace: Shake it yourself!
Woman: I have never been so insulted in my life!
Ace: Yeah, and I bet you've never had a milkshake poured over your head, either!
- At the beginning of Part Two, the Doctor is hanging from a ledge by his umbrella. Glitz walks up and starts complaining about how he can't find the treasure. Once the Doctor convinces Glitz to help him down, Glitz gets underneath him, and a very awkward moment ensues.
- Everyone repeatedly refers to the Dragonfire as the fabulous treasure.
- When the Doctor has to distract a guard, he starts having a philosophical discussion. What's funnier is that the guard stumps him.
- And later in Glitz's spaceship:Belasz: What are you doing here?
Seventh Doctor: That's a very difficult question. Why is everyone around here so preoccupied with metaphysics?
Glitz: I think she's going to kill us, Doctor.
Seventh Doctor: Ah, an existentialist.
- This amazing piece of dialogue:
- "Remembrance of the Daleks":
- The Doctor is constantly telling the Red Shirt Army to aim for the Daleks' eyestalks. After (one of) Ace's Moment of Awesome, where she shoots a Dalek in the face with a rocket launcher, there's this uproarious little exchange:The Doctor: You killed it!
Ace: I aimed for the eyepiece.
- Later, Ace explains the war between the Renegade and Imperial Dalek factions:Ace: Simple, isn't it? Renegade Daleks are blobs. (The Doctor: Blobs?) Imperial Daleks are bionic blobs with bits added. And you can tell that Daleks are into racial purity. So one lot of Daleks reckon that the other lot are too different well, they're mutants. Not pure in their blobbyness.
The Doctor: Result?
Ace: They hate each other's chromosomes. War to the death.
The Doctor: Well Ace, let's go and see which "blobs" are winning.
- "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALL?" Doubles as a Moment of Awesome.
- The Doctor's rather nonchalant dialogue with a Dalek as he fiddles with the wiring of the ship it's plugged into. After hanging his hat on its eyestalk.Dalek: Emergency! Emergency! Human on the bridge!
The Doctor: [opening up the console and starts pulling wires] I'm not human!
Dalek: You are the Doctor?
The Doctor: Yes.
Dalek: You are an enemy of the Daleks!
The Doctor: Agreed.
Dalek: You must be exteeeeerrrrmmmm...
[its eye-lights dim as the Doctor ties off two glowing wires]
The Doctor: ...miinnnaaattteed. [he collects his hat]
The Doctor: [to the powerless Dalek] Good-bye. [calmly strides away]
- The bit where the Doctor utterly deflates Davros' hammy rant:Davros: We shall become all-
The Doctor: -Powerful! Crush the lesser races! Conquer the galaxy! Unimaginable Power! UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING! Etcetera! Etcetera!
- The evillest thing the Doctor can think of when he's not mimicking a Dalek, that is is receiving too much rice pudding. What do you have against rice pudding!?
- "Ace, give me some of that Nitro-9 you're not carrying!"
- "Ace! You said ten seconds!" "Nobody's perfect, Professor!"
- The Doctor never gets lost. Yeah, right.Mike: I found him wandering the streets.
The Doctor: I was not wandering the streets. I was merely contemplating certain local cartographic anomalies.
- The Doctor lampshading humanity's Weirdness Censor. "Your species has the most amazing capacity for self-deception, matched only by its ingenuity when trying to destroy itself."
- The Doctor telling Ace about the Daleks while she's driving:The Doctor: [They are] from Skaro. At least originally. They're the mutated remains of a species called the Kaleds. Left here.
Ace: When were they left here?
The Doctor: No! Turn left here.
Ace: Oh, right.
The Doctor: No, left!
- The Doctor is going after the Hand of Omega:Ace: Doctor, where are you going?
The Doctor: To bury the past.
Ace: I'm coming with you.
The Doctor: It is not your past. You haven't been born yet.
- Concerning Dalek hunting:Ace: Shouldn't we take Mike?
The Doctor: No, Dalek hunting is a terminal pastime.
Ace: So what are we doing?
The Doctor: Dalek hunting.
- Discussing the Hand of Omega:The Doctor: It was Omega who created the supernova that was the initial power source for Gallifreyan time travel experiments. He left behind him the basis on which Rassilon founded Time Lord society, and he left behind the Hand of Omega.
Ace: His hand? What good was that?
The Doctor: No, no, not his hand literally, no, no, it's called that because Time Lords have an infinite capacity for pretension.
Ace: I've noticed that.
- Professor Jensen's rant about getting undermined by the Doctor's expertise, being conscripted as a scientific adviser and the situation in general is hilarious.Professor Jensen: For one thing, Group Captain, I was not hired, I was drafted, and for another, do you think I'm enjoying having some space vagrant come along and tell me, that the painstaking research I have devoted my life to, has been superseded by a bunch of tin-plated pepperpots?
Group Captain Gilmore: Steady on
Professor Jensen: Steady on? You drag me down from Cambridge, you quote the Peacetime Emergency Powers Act at me, and then you expect me to advise on something outside the realm of human experience? We're reliant on the Doctor because he's the only one who knows what is going on.
- Rachel and Allison, having spent the whole story up to that point being annoyed by the Doctor's smug superiority, get excited when he says he needs their help. Turns out he just needed them to carry a TV set for him.
- Having smashed the Daleks' transmat device with an enhanced baseball bat and musing that weapons are always useless in the end, the Doctor then jovially offers to take Rachel and Alison to breakfast... while closing their dropped jaws as if nothing happened.
- The Hand of Omega, having destroyed Skaro, is now hurtling back to the Dalek mothership. Davros skedaddles in record time, with the bridge Daleks unable to do anything besides watching him go.First Dalek: Emperor abandoning bridge!
Second Dalek: Eight... Seven...Six...!
First Dalek: Emperor activating escape pod!
Second Dalek: Five...Four...!
First Dalek: Escape pod leaving mothership!
Second Dalek: Three! Two! One...!
- The Doctor is constantly telling the Red Shirt Army to aim for the Daleks' eyestalks. After (one of) Ace's Moment of Awesome, where she shoots a Dalek in the face with a rocket launcher, there's this uproarious little exchange:
- "Silver Nemesis":
- This:Seven: I don't suppose you've completely ignored my instructions and secretly prepared any nitro nine, have you?
Ace: What if I had?
Seven: Naturally, you wouldn't do anything so insanely dangerous as to carry it around with you, would you?
Ace: Of course not! I'm a good girl, I do what I'm told.
Seven: Excellent. Blow up that vehicle.
Ace: [delighted grin]
- And shortly thereafter, when it comes time to distract the men guarding the ship:Seven: Hello, I'm the Doctor! I believe you want to kill me!
- The Cybermen experience sudden interference in their transmissions. When they check on what the interference is, they get Smooth Jazz. We're then treated to the amusing image of three Cybermen staring at each other in confusion with jazz in the background.
- The Doctor and Ace come across a couple of would-be tough guys, who tried Mugging the Monster and wound up tied to a tree in their underwear.The Doctor: Who did this to you?
Skinhead: Social workers!
- De Flores asks if the Cybermen expect the Doctor to just walk in and give them the MacGuffin they seek. Cue the Doctor walking in and doing just that, followed by he and Ace playing keep-away with it.
- Lady Peinforte & Richard's interactions with the woman who lets them hitchhike. Especially at the start, when she tells Richard to "Jump right in!" and he looks uncertainly at the open window.
- Apparently, the Cybermen have become so weak to gold now that just the slightest contact with it is enough to trigger seizures.
- "The Greatest Show in the Galaxy":
- In episode 4, the Doctor and Mags (who's just been revealed to be a werewolf) are escaping from the circus ring, when the Chief Clown bars their way. Mags snarls at him, and he reluctantly backs away; then, as they pass through, the Doctor casually says "Woof!" The Clown nearly jumps out of his skin.
- During the Doctor's final confrontation with the Gods of Ragnarok, one of the ways the Gods try to crush his spirit and thwart his attempts to entertain them with magic tricks is to summon up a massive rainstorm. The Doctor's response to this attack is to... conjure up his umbrella and put it up. Looks like someone didn't fully think things through...
- Brigadier Bambera is driving into an ambush, with Ancelyn, a warrior from another world, in the passenger seat.Bambera: You're from another dimension?
Bambera: Good. You don't have cars there?
Bambera: Good. Hold onto this wheel.
[Bambera stands up through the sunroof and shoots her way through the ambush with an assault rifle]
Bambera: [sits back in her seat] So. You married or what?
- Ancelyn and Bambera provide quite a bit of comedy throughout the serial, starting with the knock-down, drag-out brawl they have upon first meeting one another Bambera apparently won, as Ancelyn is clearly (and hilariously) head-over-heels for her from then on.
- Ancelyn and Mordred are fighting in the final part. While they do so the Doctor simply walks between them◊, tipping his hat to them as he does so. The two knights stop to stare for a moment then get right back to fighting.
- The fact that the Brigadier puts "alien + stuff going wrong = the Doctor is involved" together and works it out is rather funny. After all, who else would it be?
- Bambera and Ancelyn fall asleep with their heads on each other's shoulders. The Doctor sneaks up behind them, blows into an empty crisps packet to inflate it, then smushes it. As they start upright, the Doctor simply smiles and walks out.
- Wormsley announces that the alien writing is indecipherable so far. The Doctor tells him that it says, "Dig hole here."Wormsley: What does it say that in?
The Doctor: My handwriting.
- He then instructs Ace to put down a Nitro-9 charge with a timer of oh, say, 60 seconds, and leads Wormsley away. After about 10 seconds, the three of them dive for cover as it explodes. Ace looks up sheepishly, and the Doctor props his chin on his hand and gives her a long-suffering look.The Doctor: Ace...
Ace: I think the timer needs work.
The Doctor: One of these days, we're going to have a nice long talk about acceptable safety standards.
- After the Lieutenant protests that they don't know what the situation is, the Brig has a typical Seen It All response for her.The Brigadier: The situation is normal. It doesn't get much worse than that. Beat I'm rather enjoying it.
- After the Doctor tells the door to "Open up, it's me," Ace announces that she refuses to ask how he did that. There's about one second's pause, then...Ace: How did you do that?
- Wormsley tells Ancelyn about how the Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in pure white, rose from the water to give Arthur Excalibur. As they watch, the blade once again pierces the surface of the water... being held by a sopping wet Ace.Bambera: What were you doing in there?
- The Doctor tells the Brigadier that they might encounter trouble. The Brig's response is an utterly deadpan "Really, Doctor? You astound me."The Doctor: Something's wrong.
The Doctor: We haven't been attacked yet.
- Pat is very angry that they're being evacuated, and Wormsley joins them, announcing that he's not going to leave, and is determined not to stand for any nonsense. A quick bit of hypnotism from the Doctor, and they're suddenly very eager to leave, determined not to stand for any nonsense. The Brigadier is clearly failing to smother a smile.
- Upon losing the sword, Ace begins to apologize to the Doctor, only for him to tell her, "Good."Ace: What do you mean, good?
The Doctor: Exotic alien swords are easy. Aces are rare.
- The Doctor is planning to sacrifice himself, and the Brig is determined to pull a More Expendable Than You. So how does he do it? He points over the Doctor's shoulder at an imaginary spaceship, and the Doctor actually falls for the oldest trick in the book, before getting clobbered.
- Brigadier Bambera is driving into an ambush, with Ancelyn, a warrior from another world, in the passenger seat.
- You don't have to understand "Ghost Light" to laugh at it.
- Inspector Mackenzie, after waking up, doesn't seem to notice some of the strangeness going on around him.Nimrod: At the season when the ice floods swamped the pasturelands, we herded the mammoths sunwards to find new grazing.
Mackenzie: Tricky things, mammoths.
- Reverend Matthews saying, "Man has been the same, sir, since he stood in the Garden of Eden. And he was never, ever a chattering, gibbering ape," and then looking very monkey-like as he takes a bite out of a banana.
- Redvers Fenn-Cooper: "Of course, if she was a real lady, I wouldn't be in her boudoir."
- The "cream of Scotland Yard" gag is a great piece of Black Comedy.
- Inspector Mackenzie, after waking up, doesn't seem to notice some of the strangeness going on around him.
- The Eighth Doctor interrupts a very dramatic recall of his ancient past on the distant, glorious planet of Gallifrey... to gleefully yell "These shoes! They fit perfectly!"
- Grace's conversation with the orderly who witnessed the aftermath of the Doctor's regeneration:Orderly: It wasn't the same guy.
Grace: It sounds like you saw the guy who stole the body.
Orderly: [dully] He was wearing a shroud and a JD Tag on his toe.
Grace: Somehow I don't think the Second Coming happens here.
Orderly: What, you think he's going to go to A BETTER HOSPITAL?! ... You know what? I'm going home.
Grace: Hey, Pete? Don't forget to stop by Psychiatric and pick up some more mind-altering drugs.
Orderly: [absently] Okay sure.
- Earlier, that same orderly named Pete is watching an old Frankenstein horror classic when the Seventh Doctor regenerates into the Eighth Doctor and begins to wham on the cold storage door. Pete goes to investigate and sees the door bulging out from the inside because Eight has post-regenerative superhuman strength. Turns out he picked the wrong time to watch a scary movie. He's in one.
- "I always drezzz for the occasion."
- At the very end, when the Master has been defeated and the Eighth Doctor's showing off for his new friends in the TARDIS, and it's all very glorious and magnificent with epic music and then suddenly, with a loud "BOIIING!!!", the TARDIS packs in. Cue concerned frowns. Cue the Doctor giving the console a good thump. And everything's back to normal.
- Hilarious in Hindsight: The Eighth Doctor started a trend later incarnations of the Doctor, especially the Tenth Doctor, start carrying a hammer in the console room for when the TARDIS's mechanisms get grouchy. But Eight himself takes the cake in that department when he later decides to use a freakin' pickaxe on the console.
- As the Doctor says goodbye to Grace:Grace: I'm going to miss you.
The Doctor: How can you miss 'me'? I should be very easy to find! I'm the "guy with two hearts"!
Grace: That's... not what I meant.
- "What are we waiting for?!" "The road's still blocked." "THIS! IS! AN AMBULANCE!!!" "Right!"
- "Stop! He's...British!" "Well...yes...I suppose I am!"
- Eight offers some jelly babies to a very confused policeman.Officer: Jelly Baby...? [has no clue what a Jelly Baby is because they're a snack found in the UK, not the US]
Grace: Just take it! [she takes one and starts eating it]
Officer: [takes one while Eight shakes the bag with a grinning expression on his face]
- Eight offers another to the young guard at the party, and some advice on an upcoming science test.The Doctor: His invention saves the human life several times, but first he must graduate in Poetry.
- Eight offers some jelly babies to a very confused policeman.
- The Master gets another one moments later, when Chang Lee is trying to make conversation:Chang Lee: Hey, you know what I'm going to do when I get the rest of that money?
The Master: I don't want to know.
Chang Lee: [chuckling] You kill me, man.
The Master: [genuinely puzzled] ... You want me to kill you?
Chang Lee: No! I I mean, you make me laugh, you're a funny guy.
The Master: I'm glad one of us is amused.
Chang Lee: Hey, don't worry man, it's cool. You'll get your body back, and then we're a team, right?
The Master: [obviously thinking "Rassilon, this kid's dumb"] Yes, we're a... team.
- The motorbike speeding into the TARDIS, and then speeding out again after the rider realizes it's bigger on the inside.
- What makes it funnier is the way the Doctor and Grace just patiently wait outside for the motorbike to come out, the rider shouting "aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" all the way down the alley.
- The Doctor also has that "Oh, here we go again" look.
- What makes it funnier is the way the Doctor and Grace just patiently wait outside for the motorbike to come out, the rider shouting "aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!" all the way down the alley.
- Grace is looking at a sample of the Doctor's "blood" through a microscope, and the Doctor picks up a magnifying glass, staring at her through it for almost no reason.
- The Doctor sits down to continue reading the book that his previous incarnation was reading when the record starts skipping at the exact same point.
- After the Master gets dragged into the Eye of Harmony and the Doctor jump-starts the TARDIS again, there's a rumbling sound from the now closed Eye.The Doctor: ...Indigestion.
- While riding the motorbike with the Doctor, Grace seems to catch on that the Doctor can read the fates of people. She starts to press him for more hints about her future, but he refuses to tell her anything else. Which leads to:Grace: [increasingly distressed] Oh no... Brian's gonna move in again?!
- The DVD version comes with a commentary track featuring Sylvester McCoy and Paul McGann, with moderation by Nicholas Briggs. Paul fires off an absolutely hilarious line when the Master appears in his Time Lord get-up and starts walking down the stairs in the Doctor's TARDIS in the most Camp manner possible:
- Other parts of the DVD commentary are pretty humourous.The script describes Grace's thoughts: Her heart sinks, she looks at the man who she was growing close to... Now he's talking about spaceships.
- Other parts of the DVD commentary are pretty humourous.