Funny / Disenchantment

"I live here now"

Of course, in a show created by Matt Groening, known for other animated comedies such as The Simpsons and Futurama, there's bound to be numerous funny moments throughout.

Spoilers Off applies to all "Moments" pages, so all spoilers are unmarked.

---

Season 1

"A Princess, an Elf, and a Demon Walk Into a Bar"

• Odval's introduction, as Bean escapes the tavern.
  Odval: You've had your fun, now are you ready to get married? (points to a sedan chair being held by four guys) Would Your Highness care to get in?
  (cut to Bean tied to the bottom of the chair, as Odval sits in it)
• The background signs in Dreamland.
  • "Ventriloquist puppets! Disturbing! Creepy! Cursed!"
  • The medicine shop - "Now with three kinds of medicine!"
• King Zog is commanding Bean to get properly dressed for her wedding, so she proceeds to take her shirt off and walk out of the room.
  King Zog: Anybody looks at her, they get their head chopped off!
  Everyone in the room proceeds to cover their eyes as she walks off
  Guy who just entered the room: Oh boy did I look at her! [noticing everyone covering their eyes] ...what?
• Bunty knows her princess:
  Bean: What is this feeling?
  Bunty: (leaning in from the doorway) Sobriety, ma'am?
• Cloyd and the Enchantress watching Bean and Luci's progress:
  Enchantress: The bonding has begun. This could take weeks, or even years.
  Cloyd: We'll need chairs.
  Enchantress: Dark chairs.
  • Later on, Cloyd forgets that fire is hot, and burns his finger on it.
  Enchantress: It's fire, Cloyd. It's supposed to be hot.
  Cloyd: I know, I was there.
  • Cloyd's comment on Bean meeting Elfo:
  Cloyd: There's been a complication: they've been joined by a tiny dork.
• The priestess of the new religion doesn't even bother hiding that it's all made up.
  Priestess: If I talk loudly and with enough confidence, you dopes will believe anything I say!
• Elfo is hosted by a poor farming couple, who are so humble that they get uncomfortable with his praise of their non-candy food and kick him out.
  "Thanks again!"
  "You're ruining our lives!"
• Apparently almost everyone in Elfo's village has a name consisting of a word that describes them ending in "-o", which leads to some gags. For instance, the peeping tom elf who Elfo calls a "weirdo" turns out to actually be named Weirdo. Later, when he starts off to leave the village, he's warned that no one who has left has ever returned, "not even Returno!"
• The gnome warriors being swatted aside with an understated "Yikes!" in unison.
• The Talk, Oona-style.
  Oona: It vas difficult for me, with the tentacles.
  Bean: I don't have tentacles...
  Oona: Your husband vill have tentacles.
  Bean: Are you trying to say "testicles"?
  Oona: I don't know. Just leave your eggs on the nightstand and get out of there.
• Thanks to Bean's actions, the wedding goes horribly wrong. As in, the groom accidentally impales himself on a chair of swords.
  Odval: He's dead.
  Guysbert: Um, actually, if someone could just slide my head up a bit, I'd be fine.
  • His parents decide to call in his brother, Merkimer. Immediately, he makes it clear what he's like (and everyone decides to ignore Guysbert's plight).
    Merkimer: Don't feel bad! She would've left him for me anyway!
    Guysbert: I'm still alive.
    Priestess: Hush, you, (covers his head with a handkerchief) there's a wedding in progress!

"For Whom the Pig Oinks"

• Bean tries to get rid of Merkimer by taking him on a cruise past a nearby island of sirens, where the captain warns the island of mermaids and the nearby island of walruses should never be mixed up. It's the walruses who are the sirens.
  • The fact the Sirens are walruses doesn't stop Merkimer from copulating with them offscreen. He and his harem ultimately come to the rescue later on.
    Luci (to Bean): Didn't you always want a husband that screwed thirty walruses?
    Bean: Yeah. Yeah, I did. (Kicks Luci off the boat)
• The party boat captain casually mentioning that Merkimer's bachelor party to Mermaid Island has gone a lot better than most. Because only one person died, instead of everybody.
  Captain: I try not to advertise that.
• Ultimately, the Merkimer problem solves itself when he drinks the enchanted pig's blood and turns into a pig at the altar.
• "Dad, I cannot marry this pig! (the pig-turned-man crashes through the chapel window) Or that one!"
• Elfo tries to talk sense into Bean.
  Elfo: No, you're not a murderer, Bean! Well, I mean, you did kill that one guy....
  (cut to Prince Guysbert, whose head is still impaled on the sword throne)
  Guysbert: Nope, still alive! But, uh, suffering greatly!
• Bean goes to a poison shop. The attendant offers a slow-killing poison, a poison that kills through kindness (and belladonna) and then one so poisonous they can't even hold it in a bottle. Which he's holding. Then, after he dies, the next employee comes out, glances at the body, and cheerfully asks if Bean has been helped. The moment Bean leaves the shop, someone puts a "Now hiring" sign in the window
• Bean's "eulogy" for Merkimer.
  Bean: As Merkmier's fiance, I'd like to say a few words. (Beat) Let's head back.
• Zog finally lays down the law.
  Zog: The wedding is cancelled!
  (everyone gasps)
  Zog: Also, the bar is closed!
  (everyone gasps even harder)
• The pig blood scene. Both horrific, and hilarious.
  Bean: Did you know pigs are 80% blood?
  Elfo: Really?
  Luci: Not anymore.
• Luci debuts his catchphrase when Bean has to choose between life with Merkimer or death:
  Luci: Bean, death is the easy way out. So I say do it! Do-it-do-it-do-it-do-it!
• Bean weighing in as Elfo and Luci debate death or Merkimer: "Hey, guys, while you were talking... the branch broke."
• As Bean gets a moment of inspiration, she and Luci are not on the same page.
  Bean: (after her "Eureka!" Moment about Mermaid Island) Of course! Mermaids! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
  (pan out to reveal Luci is stuffing a diseased chicken into his mouth, feet first)
  Luci: Probably not.

"The Princess of Darkness"

• One of King Zog's greatest treasures is a lemon in a fancy box. Luci is not impressed.
  Luci: It's just a lemon. It's what we feed kids in Hell.
  • Zog watches them steal it, and is outraged, since it's a treasure of the Great Lemon Crusade.
    Zog: Countries were decimated! History rewritten! Maps redrawn!
    Odval: In fairness, sire, you were never going to eat it.
• Oona's reaction to the snakeroot she takes to "soothe her nerves"; after eating a handful, her pupils grow huge, her teeth become sharp, she balls up her fists, and she starts wordlessly screaming.
  • The best part comes later, when Bean looks out the window to find her in the courtyard; Oona is still screaming in the same way, and running in circles around a fountain. Bean watches her do this for a comical amount of time.
• Bean, Elfo and Luci decide to steal Oona's snakeroot and get high on it too.
  • The effect the snakeroot has on Elfo.
    Bean: I'm not feeling anything.
    Elfo: Me either. M'either. Meither. Meither, meither, meither, meither, meither, meither, meither, meither. (He chuckles) Meitherrrr... What's happening?!
  • Bean then starts hallucinating that they start a music band.
    Bean: Wow. My God, you guys, we should start a band. (She, Elfo and Luci start clapping rhythmically) Yes, we sound amazing. We'll fix up an old carriage and tour the country, playing what we want to play, never selling out, never splitting up. Elfo, you're out of the band!
    Elfo: What the hell?
    Bean: We're a duo now. The fans didn't even notice. Luci, you fell off a balcony, or were you pushed? We'll never find out. Dreams come true because I am a solo act now! The fans love my voice. I have dreadlocks, but then I shave my head, like a true artist. Why is the crowd booing? Oh no, I'm the talentless one! Elfo, you came back! Luci, I thought I pushed you. I mean, we're together again. Let's get out there. We're back on top. Nothing will stop us now. Oh no, I have cancer. What? (Bean collapses to the ground)
    Elfo: I dedicate this next song to the memory of Bean. (He and Luci start clapping rhythmically again, and Bean joins in).
• Odval surmising Zog's problem with Bean: "Your daughter appears to be what we now call 'a teenager'."
  • Pendergast's own contribution to the discussion: "According to the holy scriptures, your first mistake was educating her."
• After Big Jo exorcises Luci, he demands his lawyer. Another demon who has also been exorcised.
• Another sign gag, on the broken bridge - "Bridge out - next time, pay your #~*! bridge tax!"
• This religion thing is still in its early stages.
  Big Jo: O Lord, our only God, brother of the other God...
• Luci, possessing Bean's body, makes her head spin ala The Exorcist.
  Luci: Hold on, there's something I've always wanted to try.
  (He spins Bean's head around.)
  Luci: So cool! I didn't even know that the human body could do this.
  Bean: It can't. (Falls over. Body unspins the entire way.)
• This exchange:
  Big Jo: I shall cast thee out, demon, with these sacred tools.
  Luci: You're a sacred tool.
• Luci getting exorcsied, freaks out:
  Luci: (as Big Jo puts Luci-in-a-bottle in his bag) You can't do this to me, man! I want my lawyer!
  (a demon in a bottle next to Luci, distinguished from all the others by a tie, speaks up)
  Demon lawyer: Uh, I'm in here. Don't. Say. Anything.
• Truly great final words from Big Jo:
  Big Jo: Oh! You haven't defeated me yet.
  (He's slapped by Elfo and falls into the volcano.)
  Big Jo: Now, you haaaaaave!
• When Zog finds out Bean stole from the family tombs, he has the herald yell at Bean, who lets out this gutbuster of a line. "Why you... I oughta... If I weren't so fat..."
• When Zog peaks in on the exorcism, Big Jo yells at him to get out. Zog says, "No one one talks to me like that but my daughter and my wife. And now you" and leaves.

"Castle Party Massacre"

• "Hand me 10 ccs of brick!"
• The "broken" water fountain. Broken because it's got a dead horse floating in it.
• Chazz, the escaped lunatic / spa worker annoying King Zog by clamping him to a table.
  Chazz: Does it hurt when I do this? (pokes Zog) What about when I slap you on the belly like this? (slaps Zog's belly) Okay, just one more question: Have you ever been clamped naked to a table by a lunatic who doesn't work for the spa?
  (Zog starts trying to break free)
  Chazz: Please don't rattle the clamps. It enrages me.
• The "Feelings Stick" scene, as Chazz continues to screw with Zog.
• Bean trying to pass off Bunty as the Princess to Sven.
  Bunty: Oh, that's right. I'm a princess, I am, and this is me bed what me whole family lives on. (gasps as she touches the sheets) Oh... so soft... (she instantly falls asleep)
  • This has no impact on Bean and Sven's attempts to get it on. When Elfo comes to play Moment Killer, she's still utterly asleep, they've just moved her to one side.
• After Elfo sees Odval's three eyes, he exclaims, "Ooh, neat! I'm gonna name 'em Winky, Blinky and Soul Stealer!"
• Elfo goes to find the secret society, hoping Odval and Sorcerio will be a Moment Killer for Bean, but they're in the middle of stuff.
  Sorcerio: We are the hand behind the throne.
  Elfo: It looks like a lot of people having sex.
  Sorcerio: Oh, yes, we do that too.
• Elfo managing to help trick the Land Vikings via tricking them into drinking the water.
• Bean is initially assured the Land Vikings will be fine when they fall down the trap door because there's an ocean down there. Cue loud splat.
  Luci: Nope. Low tide.

"Faster, Princess! Kill! Kill!"

• After the last episode, Zog sentences Bean to join a convent of nuns, and doesn't fit in. She insists she doesn't deserve it.
  Bean: You throw one little party and Vikings take over the kingdom. Come on, who hasn't been there?
  (all the nuns glower furiously at Bean)
  Luci: You have got to learn to read a room.
• Once things with the nuns go south, they return Bean to Zog. Things don't go any better.
  Bean: I swear, I'll never have a drink again.
  Zog: You're drinking right now!
  (cut back to Bean, who is suddenly holding a frothing tankard in her hand)
  Bean: How'd that get there?
  Luci: Heh-heh. You're welcome.
  • Bean keeps at it:
  Bean: I won't throw another giant, awesome party while you're away, ever again.
  Passer-by: Aw, really?
  (Bean makes a "not really" motion at him)
• Little Orphan Annex - Everyone Must Go!
• As a despondent Bean walks away from the execution, she passes an old man in a barrel of water:
  Old Man: Move along. You're bad for business.
  Bean: Guess I'm just not cut out for the hectic lifestyle of the big city.
  Old Man: Eh, it's not for everyone. (Bean walks off) Me flavoured water, fifteen cents a cup! Come taste m'knees! Fifteen cents!

"Swamp and Circumstance"

• A Dankmirian guidebook revealing that all of the people are as dry and frosty as Oona.
  Luci: Huh, so this is where Oona gets her sense of humour.
  Oona: (in her trademark deadpan) Is true. I was class clown. Is joke. (beat) Or is?
• The entire scene where Bean (who's heavily intoxicated after Luci slipped some alcohol into her soda) shows up to the state dinner and makes a complete jackass out of herself, embarrassing her whole family (and by extension Dreamland) in front of their Dankmirian hosts.
  "Dad, you should be proud of me! I finished my speech and all the nachos!"
• The enraged Dankmirians pursue the group from Dreamland
  Luci: Just once could we go on a family vacation without having to run away screaming?
• Luci and Elfo slow down the Dankmarians chasing them by repeatedly bowing at them.
• Oona is completely nonchalant about their escape boat breaking in half and leaving her family behind:
  Oona: (calling back) I'll see you at home.
• Derek escaping Dankmire.
  Derek: Mommy, I'm afraid!
  Oona: Just stay near your father!
  Derek: That's why I'm afraid!
• The Swamp Monster suddenly eating the hillbillies. Especially the Swamp Monster eating them just as they're bragging about how it strikes when you least expect it. And it only leaves their ankles. One of which promptly falls over.

"Love's Tender Rampage"

• "We should get home before we pass out in the street." (Smash Cut to exactly that)
• A wasted Bean, Elfo and Luci get found by the plague patrol.
  Plague Patroller: (lifting Bean onto the cart) So tragically young... (lifting Elfo) So tragically short... (lifting Luci) Eh, this one had it coming.
  • And then he dumps them in the plague pit ("Kids buried free with parents") where they wake up. And they're not the only ones still alive.
  Elfo: Are we in the plague pit?!
  Roger: You are!
  Elfo: Who was that?
  Roger: Name's Roger!
  • Believing they're going to die when the pit's lit on fire, Bean laments having never experienced bliss with Elfo (and probably Luci) in the short time they've met. The elf attempts to console Bean by kissing her... but then she corrects him in that she meant a drug called bliss and not the feeling bliss. Luci breaks up this awkward moment and lifts a pile of corpses blocking the way to the ladder
  Bean: You knew that was there the whole time?
  Luci: Yeah I saw it on the way down.
  Bean: You coming, Roger?!
  Roger: No thanks!
  (Bean waits for a few seconds and just climbs up anyway)
• The door attendant to the Den of Wonders mistake Elfo (a green elf. Understandable enough...) and Luci (a demon that other people mistake for a cat) for children.
• Bean's hallucination about Elfo's supposed girlfriend, where a silhouette of her pops up from a giant tulip. Then Bean hands Elfo over to the silhouette while the tulip closes up with them in it, floats into the air and shapes into a heart that starts beating while Elfo starts grunting... from Luci punching him over and over outside of the hallucination.
• The fact that Bean came to the conclusion that her drug-induced hallucination of Elfo's made-up girlfriend was a "vision of the truth" and sends Pendergast, Turbish, and Mertz out on a dangerous quest to find her. And then the made-up girl turns out to be exactly how Elfo described physically.
  • Pendergast, in a moment of trying to get the typical 'knight does quest for princess reward' gets a scathing retort from her father:
  Pendergast: "And what, shall my reward be for accepting this dangerous mission?"
  King Zog (from inside the castle): "How about the salary I already pay you?
• The knights make a surprisingly catchy song about their quest.
  We're going on a mission to help our friend Elfo
  We're pretty sure he's lying, but we still have to go.
  Found out how the Valley of Scorpions got its name
  Turbish: I got the stinger on my dinger, and now it's all inflamed.
  (Whispering) Sing a little softer we're in avalanche terrain
  Knight: You got it! (Gets hit by a small avalanche)
• The royal family watching the medieval equivalent of television. Oona gets tired of watching comedy.
  Oona: Can we have one dinner where we're not watching Jester?
  Zog: I'll hit mute. (drops the Jester into the trap door)
  Jester: Oh no!
  Derek: Personally, I prefer to watch the news.
  Zog: Hey! News!
  The Herald: Is your dinner poisoned?! The answer may surprise you. But first we go live to the courtyard for the return of the knights! (turns around) Come along.
• Elfo's "girlfriend", the giant woman that the knights had captured, turns out to be more than she looks. On their dinner "date", she coughs up Turbish's horse (still alive somehow), reveals she can speak and that her name is Tess, and is just a regular person who's confused by the entire situation she's forced to go through.

"The Limits of Immortality"

• Sorcerio accidentally creates a shampoo that can make any animal laugh. Cue the laughing horse.
• The Omnicon: The Book of Spells and Easy Sunday Dinners.
  "Simultaneously abridged and unabridged using magic".
• Odval and Sorcerio discover that in order to create the Elixir of Life, they first need to find the Eternity Pendant. They quickly inform King Zog, before revealing that they do not have the Eternity Pendant, upon which Zog orders Stan the Executioner to whack them both over the head with a chair, leading to this exchange.
  Odval: But we do know of it's last location.
  (Zog nods to Stan, who puts the chair down)
  Sorcerio: But we looked and it's not there.
  (Zog nods again, prompting Stan to pick up the chair again)
  Odval: But we can mount a crusade to find the vial.
  (Zog nods again.)
  Sorcerio: (while sitting down on the chair) But at least we have the Elf.
  Bean: Elfo has been kidnapped!
  Sorcerio: (picks up the chair and hands it to Stan before bracing) Fine, fine, on with the whacking.
  Bean: (pointing to book that Odval and Sorcerio got their information about the Eternity Pendant from) Hey, that picture was on the wagon they took Elfo away in!
  Sorcerio: Belay the whacking!
• Learning of the Eternity Pendant, Cloyd takes action:
  Cloyd: Summon our stealthiest assassin.
  Assassin: (appearing from behind Cloyd) Right here, sire!
  (Cloyd jolts in alarm, dropping his glasses)
  Cloyd: Don't do that!
• "My lady, knights, and... Mertz's mother, who's decided to come along for some reason."
• The Cave of the Single Trap. Which comes in two parts.
  Malfus: How did you get past the single trap of two parts?
  Sorcerio: I am Sorcerio, wizard of wonder, and your trap is no match for-
  Malfus: Parties of three or more? Yes, I really should do something about that.
• When Bean and Sorcerio fall over the edge of the world, Bean notices Luci falling with them.
  Bean: Why are you falling?
  Luci: Eh. Mrs Mertz was looking at me like she was about to say something.
  • Not to mention his utterly unfazed "Whats up?" when they notice him. Not like he has to worry about the fall killing him, after all.
• Pendergast starts to get annoyed at Bean's lack of concern over the quest's cost:
  Pendergast: I've lost three of my finest suits of armor. And their contents!
  Bean: Aww, here's the world's smallest lute!
• Sorcerio pulls out The Omnicon to ask the Griffin about the Eternity Pendant.
  Sorcerio: Did anything similar to this [the pendant] fall in?
  Griffin: No. But that exact thing fell in.
• Big Jo confronting Luci again.
  Big Jo: (brandishing a bottle in one hand and a bladed gauntlet in the other) We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.
  (Luci immediately incorcises himself into the bottle)
  Luci: I am all about the easy way.
• Sorcerio sexually propositioning the the Griffin.
  Sorcerio: Is it cultural appropriation if I put on a beak?
  

"To Thine Own Elf Be True"

• At the beginning of the episode, Zog is feeling pensive in Bean's absence.
  Zog: (yelling out at the sky) BEAN, IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, SAY SOMETHING!
  Man: PUT ON SOME PANTS!
• Sorcerio creates the pendant meant to give Zog immortality and powers it with a drop of Elfo's blood. It starts glowing for a few seconds and it shorts out afterwards.
  • In spite of this, Sorcerio suggests testing it by having someone kill Zog.
  Odval: Dibs!
  • Zog, wanting to avoid that scenario, calls for someone other than him to test it on. Luckily, Sorcerio has the still living Prince Guysbert nearby (who was kept alive by the thought of gazing upon Bean (he still doesn't get the hint)... and rotten food scraps). Sorcerio puts the pendant on him, giving Guysbert the strength to stand up and pull the sword out from his head. He happily exclaims, "MY HEADACHE IS GONE!". And then the pendant shorts out again, causing his brains to fall out from the sword wound. And then he falls over and stabs himself in the chest while wearing the same expression.
• After being locked up in the High Security Meat Vault, Bean is freed by Odval.
  Bean: I wasn't expecting that.
  Odval: I wish you the best of luck embarrassing some other kingdom.
  Luci: But were you expecting that?
  Bean: Yeah.
• The Elf King showing the elf attitude to outsiders.
  Elf King: Humans bring nothing but pain and treachery.
  Bean: I also brought booze.
  (The elves immediately crowd around Bean)
  • As Elfo goes to talk with his dad, he checks on his friends.
    Elfo: Let me just check on my friends.
    (Bean is still handing out booze to the elves)
    Elfo: Yeah, they're fine.
• The use of turkeys as messenger birds. Doubles as a humorous jab to the ravens used in franchises like Game of Thrones, as well as a stealthy Shout-Out to Benjamin Franklin, who once lobbied to have the turkey used as the national bird of the United States (versus the eagle).
  • There's just something oddly funny about the Mood Whiplash that occurs when, immediately following Elfo's death, Odval solemnly declares "send a turkey".

"Dreamland Falls"

• Bunty can't believe that Dagmar is back, and keeps poking her in awe.
  Dagmar: Don't poke the royal tit, dear.
• Odval continues to be a sexist asshole to Bean:
  Odval: Women are not permitted to address the council.
  Bean: You're the only one in here!
  Odval: Then it's unanimous.
• The turkey messenger service appears again, this time offering service to Dankmire! Considering that it takes a boat to get there...
• Dagmar takes Bean through a secret passage to a place the king will never go: A library.
• Luci is annoyed that there is mayhem going on and none of it is his doing:
  Luci: I should be the one killing everyone! I should be the one creeping everyone out!

Season 2

"The Disenchantress"

• Bean finds a tight-fitting demon suit in Dagmar's wardrobe, prompting her to remark that she doesn't want to imagine her mother wearing it. Cloyd then reveals it's actually his, he then takes the outfit, one of the dresses and a bunny outfit before leaving in a hurry.
• The insane ancestors of the Maru royal family include a man who married a duck, and a woman who tried to drown her grandchildren. Fortunately, her grandchildren were all ducks.
• When Luci is poured from one jar into another, he reforms back into his original shape while making a little 'bloooop' noise.
• When Bean pronounces sconce as 'scoonce', Jerry of all people is the one to correct her.
• Bean finally finds Luci, who has been trapped in a jar by Dagmar, and the first thing he says is 'Hurry, I'm out of cigarettes!'

"Stairway to Hell"

• How Bean identifies herself to the demons guarding hell.
  Bean: I'm.... your worst nightmare demon. I'm needy and unstable and now that you've expressed interest in me, I want to know where this relationship is going.
  Demon Guard: Ugh. No further questions.
• And when the guards try to detain Luci at the gate:
  Bean: He's with me. He's my emotional support demon.
• Elfo's attempts at getting kicked out of Heaven. Which are lacking. His attempt to moon God only winds up with his face on his ass.

"The Very Thing"

• The incredibly terrible pirate crew of Dread Pirate Leavo, who've been wandering around doing nothing for eight years.
  Pirate in crow's nest: I think I see a log.
  Other pirate: I don't need to hear about every single log.
• Oona points out they're so bad at piracy that an unarmed dandy's merchant vessel is right next to them. Pan out to reveal exactly that. Then cut to the pirates under Oona plundering it.
  Pirate: Behold! A king's ransom in paprika!
  Pirate 2: We're going to make so many deviled eggs!
• After browbeating the pirate crew into obeying her, Oona takes some snake root after ordering the crew to set sail for Dreamland. Cut to her roped to the ship's mast like a figurehead, screaming all the while.
  • Later, Oona and Bean have a reconciliation. Oona forgives Bean everything, except:
  Oona: I forgive you except for stealing my drugs. Don't do that no more.
• In a bit of the series' typical Black Comedy, one of the Freeze-Frame Bonus signs in the castle catacombs reads "These Are Human Remains, Not A Xylophone".
• Zog tells Elfo to try and kill Leavo if he gets the chance. Elfo tries, but is overpowered and at Leavo's mercy. Leavo offers him the choice of helping him, or getting his head clubbed in with a rock. Elfo takes the first choice... and Leavo clubs him anyway, having not been listening.

"The Lonely Heart Is A Hunter"

• Ursula mistaking Bean for a giant squirrel.
• Zog's method of preparing for a date: Smoking a cigar and eating a pickle. This repeats itself for about half a minute, as Bean watches in horror.
  Bean: God, are we even the same species?
• When Zog and Ursula retire from the party to their chambers, the scene cuts to the party, where there is a loud "THUMP" sound and the chandeliers begin shaking.
  Odval: At least the reptile sex was quiet.

"Love's Slimy Embrace"

• Bean's memory of Derek being born.
  Bunty: (carrying an egg wrapped in a shawl) Ready to meet your new brother or sister...or breakfast?
• Zog admitting that he's not sure exactly how the baby was made. Oona tells him it's very simple: "I push and baby comes out." She then pushes the egg out of Bunty's arms so it cracks on the floor, revealing the infant Derek inside.
• The captain saying that as is custom, the captain must go down with the ship but that they needn't be a stickler for it in this case.

"In Her Own Write

• Bean, speaking at the coffee bar, mentioning how everyone's been betting on elf versus squirrel fights, and how it's not fair... the squirrels always win.

"Tiabeanie Falls"

• Having just been placed under house arrest, Bean vows there's no way Odval can keep her in her room. She opens the door, and finds Mertz waiting for her.
  Mertz: I'm under orders to keep you in your room forever.
• In a bit of Black Comedy, the torture wheel Bean is strapped to has a little rubber pointer at the top like a game show wheel, so that whenever she's spun around it bonks her in the head.
  Bean: Owowowowowowowowow...ow...ow...ow...ow.
• Stan the executioner is sympathetic to Bean's plight. Not so much the old guy who's been locked up since he was a kid for throwing a snowball at the castle.
  Every twenty years, he keeps going on about this "pre-trial hearing"...
• The Archdruidess telling everyone at the burning to join her in prayer... that Bean, Elfo and Luci suffer for eternity in Hell.
  Elfo: That's not how a prayer works!
  Archdruidess: Shut up!
  Elfo: Sorry.

Season 3

"Subterranean Homesick Blues"

• When Bean tries to run away from her mother, she keeps hearing Dagmar calling to her. As the echoes keep going on, Dagmar acknowledges that they sound creepier than she intended.
• Bean calls the Trogs "mole people". Dagmar points to one of the actual mole people who cheerfully waves at them.
  • Then, when they try to escape and just wind up back with the Trogs, the mole man returns and gut-punches Luci for calling him a "potato man".
• The new regime in Dreamland is theocratic, cracking down on alcohol, gambling, and unlawful cohabitation. Eventually, Merkimer seeks an audience with Derek, begging him to relent on all the new vice laws, imploring him to "remember the wankers."
• The angry Trog in the mine, when asked about where they store all the rocks.
  Angry miner: What are you, the Rock Police? I store 'em up my ass, ya happy?
• Odval and Archdruidess try to install Derek on the throne as a Puppet King over a theocratic monarchy. These plans go awry when Derek realizes that, thanks to the new rules, he has absolute power, and thus he declares plans to create a socialist utopia before Odval and Archdruidess yank him off the throne.
• Dagmar's crummy treatment of the Trogs, as she tells Bean they're creatures of habit.
  Dagmar: They know when it's time to sleep. (to the Trogs) And when to do the goddamn dishes!
  • Moments later:
    Bean: I need to go to bed now. Which rock do I sleep on? And no invading my dreams this time.
    Dagmar: Of course not. I know you like to be alone with your underwater sex fantasies.
    Bean: How dare you?! Also I have no idea what you're even talking about. (Dagmar smirks)

"You're the Bean"

• Bean and Dagmar's initial insult-off ends with Bean slumping against the cell bars. Luci is no help.
  Luci: Yeah, you should slump.
• Bean tells Dagmar that Elfo is more of a mother to her than Dagmar ever was. Elfo, who is within earshot, comments that this ruins a whole lot of his fantasies, but also opens up some new ones.
• Trixie brings something to "help" Elfo escape the jail cell. It's a pin-up drawing of her... with the words "I will consume your essence".
  Elfo: How is this supposed to help me escape?
  Trixie: It'll help your mind escape.
• Bean's plan to escape from Dagmar involves dressing up as her and trying to impersonate her so that she can order the Trogs to lead her to the surface. She is almost able to pull off looking like Dagmar, but struggles to mimic the voice. At one point, she throws in a "y'all" for no clear reason.
  • After they return to the surface, Elfo asks if she's planning to keep the outfit, and is disappointed when she switches back to her usual clothing.
• Zog, having been buried alive, decides it would be a great idea to smoke a cigar. Naturally, the coffin is airtight, and he ends up regretting this decision.
• Still in his coffin, Zog tries reassuring himself that while Pendergast is dead, he will have certainly told Terbish and Mertz the plan and they'll be along to rescue him. Cut to those two sitting in the knight's changing room playing cards.
  Terbish: I keep feeling we're forgetting something...
  (cut to Mertz's mom sitting alone in a tavern in front of a birthday cake)
  Mertz's mom: Ugh, not again...
  Chazzzzz: Depressing birthday to you, depressing birthday to you...
• Odval and the Arch-Druidess try to fool Derek by replacing Zog with one of the walruses. And it actually seems to work (though Derek does notice his dad's suddenly grown tusks).
• The Trogs getting increasingly uncomfortable with Bean and Dagmar's arguing.

"Beanie Get Your Gun"

• Spotting Zog and Bean returning, Odval and the Arch-Druidess try to work out how to break the news to Derek, only to find he's not only left the room, he's already gotten down to the court yard.
  Odval: For such a beach ball, he's surprisingly fast.
• Derek then welcomes "Old Daddy" back, saying he prefers him to Odval (or "New Daddy"), which Odval overhears.
  Odval: I'm not going to lie; that hurts.
• Derek manages to lose his pants to a talking mouse.
• Later Oona shows up for her son's wedding, and she's brought a wedding gift, a pearl necklace. As she pulls it out, she immediately apologizes for the pricetag still being on it. Said "pricetag" is the previous owner's severed hand still clutching the necklace.
• The nursery rhyme some disgruntled poet wrote about Zog that became a Earm Worm among the children in Dreamland.
  Old King Zog
  Dumb as a frog
  Brains of a monkey
  Balls of a hog

"Steamland Confidential"

• Malthus really wants to get rid of the laughing horse. And his vast collection of horse porn. It's only once he's done the later he realizes he's given Bean and Elfo the wrong box...
  Elfo: I'm sorry, Bean, I'm too busy reading this pictorial.
  (cut to Bean throwing all of Malthus's erotica over a cliff)
  Elfo: Awww...
• Bean declares she wants to go to the mandatory carnival because she can get her face painted like a tiger (also, it's mandatory). Sure enough, at the carnival, she has gotten her face painted.
• The origins of Steamland, as shown via calliope show. A monk wandered near a hot steam, which blasted up his robe. After his body was found, it was discovered his robes were nicely steamed. Following this discovery, a village was founded - Dead Monksville! ... later renamed Steamland.

"Last Splash"

• Bean spits out a group of small crabs that she swallowed while swimming underwater, and immediately afterwards the same crabs enter her open mouth.

"Bad Moon Rising"

• While they’re high to get some clarity about everything that happened in the series, Bean and Oona run randomly inside the maze, go up and down the stairs (at one point, you can see Odval and Sorcerio looking in confusion at them), and jumping between the thrones like rabbits.
• While planning their secret meeting, Odval makes note to not invite Turbish this time. Naturally, at the secret meeting, Turbish is present.
  Odval: What is the greatest sin?
  Society: Modesty! Modesty! Modesty!
  Turbish: Modesty!
  Odval: God-damnit.
• Oona's summary of the secret meeting: "This is not secret plot! Is merely depressing sex club!"

"Hey, Pig Spender"

• Bean tries to make a plea for calm, which doesn't work thanks to Sam the Jerkass peasant.
  Bean: Violence never solves anything!
  Sam: What about that time violence solved all that stuff?
• Merkimer the pig rolling down the stairs.
  Merkimer: I'm very, very, very, very, very...
  [continuing until he reaches the bottom]
  Merkimer: ... very, very, very, very sad.
• The court magician of Bentwood having to deal with two Merkimers at once.
  Pig Merkimer: Please, call us "The Merkimer Boys."
  (the two Merkimers hoof-bump)
  Grendle: Oh, god...
  • When Bean tries to appeal to Merkimer as he orders them to be taken away. He tells her it would take an awful lot of love-making to change his mind. Bean turns around and orders the guards to take her away without another word.
• The foursome return home, having failed to gain any weapons or money. Then Elfo vomits up the coins he swallowed earlier. "Now all we need is weapons." Followed by Bentwood firing on the carriage and Turbish declaring: "We've got arrows!"
• The humble farm couple from the first episode react matter-of-factly to the monster knocking on their door and apologize for screaming as he attacks them.

"The Madness of King Zog"

• Bean admits that she may not be destined to rule.
  Luci: Or fit to rule.
  Elfo: Or equipped to rule.
  Luci: Or sociopathic enough to rule.
• After a tearful goodbye, Bean watches Oona sail away... and sees Oona herself clinging to the front of the ship like a figurehead and screaming.
  Bean: Dammit! She took the drugs, too.
• When preparing for a siege, Bean says that they need weapons, bravery and a brilliant strategy. Turbish asks if hiding counts as any of them. Bean says no to the first two but admits that hiding is a brilliant strategy.
• Shoring up, Bean tells Old Man Touchy to scout out their defenses for weaknesses. Touchy immediately starts doing what he does to a soldier.
  Old Man Touchy: You're afraid to let people in, and cover it up with sarcasm.
  Bean: Not what I mean! (to the guard) Jenkins, work on your issues!
• Bean, translating for Zog's honking at a council meeting. Complete with imitation of Zog's accent.
  Bean: "Those idiots will believe anything."
  Sorcerio: I'm not an idiot, and I believe it.
  Bean: "Once the biggest idiot in the room has spoken, wrap it up." Okay, meeting over!
  (everyone gets up to leave)
  Sorcerio: Wait, what just happened?
• The funny signs in the dummy shop return, including "replace your children!", "annoy your neighbours" and "Need a friend? This won't help."
• Zog's "conversation" with Shocko consists of honks and ooohs, and ends with Zog casually saying, "Alright, talk to you later."

"Bean Falls Down"

• Bean's first words as Queen are ruined thanks to her crown slipping right over her head. But they're duly inscribed anyhow.
  Bean: What the hell? This crown can suck it!
• A newly-crowned Bean gives a speech to the people of Dreamland saying that thanks to her various antics over the years, she's like a friend to them.
  Turbish: Hi, friend!
  Bean: (resigned) Hi, Turbish.
  Turbish: Hi, friend!
  Odval: I beg you, do not respond.
  Turbish: Hi, Odval!
  (Odval sighs in irritation, and throws a rock at Turbish)
  Turbish: Ow, Odval!
• The ominous cloud of smoke turns out to be none other than Big Jo.
  Big Jo: That's right. Big Jo!
  Turbish: And Porky!
  Big Jo: (suddenly hostile) Who said that?
  (Turbish looks away guiltily)
• Bean figures that Big Jo, despite his claims, still looks evil.
  Big Jo: That's just my appearance. I have Resting Sinister Face.
• Turns out Dreamland does not have a specific alarm for ogre attack.
  Bean: No, not the Raccoon Alarm!
• Dreamland's traditional approach to fighting off a siege attempt is to toss staff members at the invaders until they get full and go away. Bean refuses to sacrifice her people that way (as annoying as she's finding Bunty), even though Bunty offers to toss her own children. Instead, Bean makes the hardest decision she's ever made... and orders her soldiers to toss beer.
• Rulo and Leavo finding the ancient seat of King Candyass underneath Dreamland. Rulo can't even get through his declaration they need to keep it secret before Shocko turns up right next to them. Then Superviso, Kissy and Shrimpo.
  Rulo: We must re-stack these skulls before anyone, even other elves find ou-
  Shocko: Ooooh-oooohhh!
  Rulo: You realize what this means? Dreamland is the long lost homeland of the elves!
  Superviso: Hey, Rulo, find anything neat?
  (Rulo and Leavo turn to see Superviso, Kissy and Shrimpo standing there)
  Rulo: No!
  Leavo: Definitely not.
  Rulo: Scram!
  Shocko: Ooooh-oooooh!
• The ogres make their demand: Hand over Elfo, and they leave, or they storm the castle, kill everyone and take Elfo anyway. This being Dreamland, there's one takeaway:
  Merkimer: Fantastic! We're going to live, everyone!
• Elfo's pleas that he doesn't want to go, and the elves need him, don't work.
  Elfo: The elves need me!
  Rulo: No, we don't.
• Luci gets jarred, again.
  Luci: [Dagmar] blindsided me! While I was looking at her!
• Luci's reaction to finding out that he died and went to Heaven.
  Luci: HHHHEELLL NOOOOOOOOO!!!
  Jerry: Hell yes.

Season 4

"Love is Hell"

• The Secret Elf Meeting gets off to a bad start when Rulo tries saying their sworn enemy is back. The Elves think it's the squirrels.
• Shocko collapsing at the newest dramatic revelation.
  Elf: He's dead.
  Superviso: Oh, good. I've been sleeping with his wife.
  Shocko: Ooowhooo!
• At the end of the meeting, in order to prevent secrets getting out, Rulo demands Blabbo be taken away. As he is, he angrily points out the obvious solution.
  Blabbo: In future, just don't invite me to these things!
• During the wedding in Hell, Dagmar points out the people Bean has killed, such as Hansel and Gretel, who Bean claims was self defense, Guysbert, who was an accident, and Skybert... who Bean states she would totally kill again.

"The Good, the Bad, and the Bum-Bum"

• Bean finds Alva watching the same squirrel cartoons Mora said she voiced, leading to an odd remark.
  Bean: That's the squirrel of my dreams.
  Luci: Whoa. Just when I thought I had you figured out.
• Pops gets distracted repeatedly, mid-story.
  Pops: You [Elfo] just don't quit. Not like Quito. That's all he ever did! Ooooh. But Stabbo got 'im. Got 'im good.
• Junior accidentally killing his abusive jackass of a dad, simply by throwing away his club in a gesture of non-violence. Even better is his reaction to the crowd cheering at the death.
  Junior: What? Who I kill?
  Elfo: Nobody. Just some jerk.
  Junior: It dad wasn't it? Hm. Me happy now.

"The Cabinet of Dr. Chazzzzz"

• On escaping from Twinkletown, Zog manages to rip off his tunic on a branch, and the first place he winds up is a monastery... mid-service.
  Abbott: It's a good thing they've taken a vow of silence, because... wow!
  Monks: Wow!
• The Shavemaster. Also known as Big Jo.
  Big Jo: What choice will it be? The cueball, the snowball, or the Porky?
  Zog: Uh, the cueball.
  Big Jo: See, Porky, no-one chooses you.
• En-route back to Dreamland, Jerry spies a horse on a mountain and demands Bean rescue it. After some back-and-forth with Luci and Elfo, they manage to bring it aboard with a claw machine (on the "horse" setting).
  Bean: Who's cruel now?
  Horse: (laughs)
  Bean: Goddammit!
• After a stay with the monks, Zog declares he's given up everything. Well, almost everything.
  Zog: I've given up everything but masturbation.
  Abbott: Oh, you can't give that up. Look what happened to Big Jo.
  Zog: What about the other guy?
  Abbott: Porky? Oh, that's a whole other story.

"The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Feet"

• Turns out away from Cloyd and Becky, Jerry's got sass-mouth, getting into a sparring match with Odval.
  Jerry: I have a question: When do I get paid?
  Sorcerio: You're an intern, damn it.
  Odval: You're lucky we don't beat you.
  Jerry: You do beat me.
  Odval: No, we don't. Remind me to beat you later.
  Jerry: I won't.
  Odval: That's two beatings.
  Jerry: I still won't.
  Odval: Four beatings.
  Jerry: I'll still forget.
  Sorcerio: Stop talking about beatings!
  Jerry: Haw-haw!
  Odval: I'm going to get my beating stick right now! (leaves, then returns) Five beatings!

"What to Expect When You're Expecting Parasites"

• Luci, having been separated from his body again, is taunted by Elfo. Then his body turns up, and gets revenge on Elfo by beating him up.
• The Sea Trog mating ritual, or how it begins, with the trogs chanting.
  Sea Trog: Doooo it!
  Luci: Noice!
• The reveal of what the Sea Trogs do is unquestionably horrifying. But Luci's behaviour when infected is funny.
  Luci: We're not a cult, we're a religion. Read our pamphlets.
• Similarly, Bean realizing that everyone else was infected while she was out of the room—horrible. Bean trying to decide which orifice to protect from the Sea Trog larvae, and ultimately prioritizing her crotch—funny, if you don't think about it too much.

"Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy"

• Elfo's exploits as a spy, first spying on the other elves, then the trogs, then the humans.
  • His Paper-Thin Disguise among the elves; putting on a false mustache and a deep voice as "Mustachio". It actually works for a moment, until his talking about himself and Bean gives him away.
  • The reason all the elves hate Elfo? First, his siding with Bean. Second, his use of the word "bum-bum".
• The Trogs catch Elfo, thanks to Trixie getting a crush on him, and hate him as much as the elves do ("My least favorite savior!"). They get caught up on how they're going to kill him.
  Trog: Roll a big boulder on his head.
  Trog 2: Roll several smaller boulders over his whole body.
  Mole man: No, tie him to a giant boulder and roll him into a pit.
  Trog ruler: We're agreed, then. Something to do with boulders.
  Trixie: Stop saying "boulders"!

"The Goo-Bye Girl"

• Rulo tries consoling Leavo that he hasn't wasted his life, but alas...
  Rulo: What about your children?
  Leavo: They won't speak to me
  Rulo: What about that fantasy novel you were writing?
  Leavo: Ehh, the elf erotica market is over-saturated.
  Rulo: What about that girlfriend you were always talking about?
  Leavo: She married Speako.
  Rulo: Boy. You really did waste your life.

Season 5

"Heads or Tails"

• Merkimer attempting to seduce Dagmar. She threatens to brand him.
  Merkimer: Tis not the sizzling pork platter I'd dreamed off.

"I Hear Your Noggin, But You Can't Come In"

• The Devil tries hypnotizing Luci, and (apparently) succeeds a little too well.
  • Then it turns out that Luci was viciously trolling Satan the entire time.

---