- During Will Forte's soulful solos in "Personal Information Waltz," Demetri himself can't help but break into laughter.
- Also in "Personal Information Waltz,"Will: Panchos, chasm, other previous jokes, fortnight, fortnight! Fort—n—ight.
- Also in "Personal Information Waltz,"
- From his stand-up special "Person": "I wanna put stickers on turtles! I don't know why!"
- "When someone shows you photos of their kid, what they don't want to hear is 'Oh yeah, I got some photos of your kid too.'"
- "If I owned a bookstore, I'd make the Mystery section really hard to find."
- "I wonder what was the most intelligent thing ever said starting with the word 'dude'."
- "I'm not much of an athlete. I was on the basketball team for my church community center, but that was only because I was Greek and had legs."
- "When you're having sex with somebody, you can say "yes" or "yeah" or "uh huh." But for some reason you can't say "yep."
Funny / Demetri Martin