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Funny / Dawn of War

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  • In Dawn of War II the Space Marine team starts conjecturing that the Tyranids intend to assimilate the DNA of humans and, in particular, of the team's Big Guy and Blood Knight Sgt. Avitus.
    Avitus: Hmph, burn my corpse if I go down I say.
    Tarkus: Hah! I do not think that even the Hive Mind could process DNA as stubborn and mean spirited as yours.
    Cyrus: Emperor protect us if they find a way. I doubt the Imperium could survive Avitus in Tyranid form.
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  • When the team discusses the damage the Eldar could do if they'd grabbed the array, Avitus' contribution is that the prancing fools would likely turn it into a garden.
  • After killing an Eldar Falcon grav-tank:
  • A few Ork quotes, all from Winter Assault:
    Nob: What yew gitz doin? FIGHT! Dey ain't dead 'till I sez they dead... (Squiggoth escapes) Oo dat rumblin'?
    Squiggoth:(eats Nob) OM NOM NOM!

    (After Gorgutz crash lands)
    Gorgutz: I don't care if the flyer boyz' dead. Find me another flyer boy so I can KILL HIM INSTEAD!!!

    (Gorgutz needs to put together his WAAAGH! again)
    Gorgutz: Time to put out me speshul call... HEY, BOOOOOYZ!! WHERE YA AT!?!?!?

    Number Two: What about Sturnn boss? Can I kill him....Show you'ze I'z a good ork?
    Gorgutz: No, Sturnnz mine! I want his head!
    Number Two: What's so special about his head?
    Gorgutz: Dat's where da skull iz stupid! An' I'd look foolish with 'is foot on me pointy stik!
    Number Two: Stupid , stupid me. I knew da answer to dat!

    Gorgutz: I got me da skullz of all da warbosses I killed. Sturnnz skull and dat Farseerz skull. So who I missin'? Oh yeah! Dat git Crull. I need 'iz skull fer me pointy stik! And you know how I'm gettin' him ta come after me?
    Number Two: ...Yer gonna call 'im a grot?
    Gorgutz: We'll call dat "Plan: Stupid"! I named it after ya! No... The way ta get Crull crazy mad, iz to attack 'iz Titan! Den he'll come fer me- Oi! Whyz you grinnin'?!
    Number Two: Because you named a plan after me!
    • More amusingly, some people have taken to assume that the Ork Number Two's name is, in fact, "Stupid". Would explain why it's said so often. In fact, that's the name we've given him on the Characters page.
  • Also from Winter Assault, I dare you not to laugh at Gorgutz and Lord Crull's Ham-to-Ham Combat.
  • In Dark Crusade.
    Gorgutz: [After killing Commissar Gebbet] I liked that commissar's 'at, to' bad it blew up with his head!
  • During Gorgutz's stronghold in Dark Crusade, his Number Two keeps him up to date on all the Ork clans rebelling. Eventually, this happens:
    Nob: Boss! Da KwikMekz iz rebellin'!
    Gorgutz: I CAN SEE DAT, ya squig farmer! Shut yer yap an' get back to killin'!
    Nob: But... killin' who, Boss?
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  • The small exchange in Dawn of War II between your Space Marines after the defense of an Imperial shrine from the Orks:
    Tarkus: We taught those Orks to kneel in the Emperor's presence.
    Avitus: Better, we taught them to lie face down in the mud and bleed in His presence.
  • Dawn of War II also has the scene where Administrator Derosa reveals that she finally got sick of her Obstructive Bureaucrat boss, shot her way into his manor, stole the control codes the Blood Ravens needed, then told them everything the Governor had been up to, commenting she doesn't mind treason charges since she knows she was doing the right thing. Avitus is audibly amused when he notes she would have made a good Sister of Battle.
    • Speaking of the Orks, some of the named greenskins have strangely amusing last words.
    Mek Badzappa: Oooh, dat's much too big an 'ole to be in an Ork like me...
    Gorwazza: (Indignantly) Wot's me gutz doin' way over dere?
  • The Orks from Retribution are by far the funniest characters in the series since Gorgutz.
    Bludflagg: OI, you lot! You'z part o' my krew now! Any problems with dat, ya talk to da complaints department! Dat's ME GUN by da way! (When 'recruiting' some local Ork Boyz)
    Bluddflagg: Oi twiggy! What do all yer boyz and a smashed-up jammy paste have in common? Come 'ere, I'll show ya!
    Mistah Nailbrain: I'VE SET ME GITFINDA TO PANZEE. DERE OVER DERE! (When tracking Eldar)
    Spookums: It's not like I can hide in da lava! Mork knows I ain't tryin' DAT trick again!
    Brikkfist: Oooo, wot I wouldn't give ta strap one a' dem huge zog-off planet-crumpin' missiles to me back... (When witnessing exterminatus via cyclonic torpedoes)
    Random Ork: (Having killed an enemy in combat) Yer dead, and I'm not. I WIN!
    • At the end of the Orks' first mission, Inquisitor Adrastia tries to hire Kaptin Bluddflag to kill Azariah Kyras. The deal goes rather well, up until the part where she refuses to give her hat as payment in addition to three Imperial regiments to fight with. It also becomes something of a Brick Joke because the next to last thing he does in the Ork campaign is mug her for that hat.
      • When Bluddflagg's crew asks him why he didn't take Inquisitor Adrastia up on her offer, he responds with this:
      Bluddflagg: Dem Inquisition humies can't be trusted any farther dan dey can be thrown, which in dat one's case might be a bad example.
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    • Right after the above line, there's this gem:
    Bluddflagg: She's just try and blast us no matter wot kinda deal wez come ta. Least now wez all on da same trukk.
    Brikkfist: Dash cunning dat is, Kap'n. So now wez can crash da trukk! ... er, right?
    • And after the inquisitor arrives, but before Kaptin Bluddflagg notices them, we have this little gem:
    Bluddflagg: You shoulda had more o' ya skinny boyz dis mornin' if you were goin' ta shoot down MY Krooza. Now look at ya! Why, I'm gonna... gonna...
    Nailbrain: Umm... Kap'n?
    Bluddflagg: Not now, Mr. Nailbrain. I'm still sassing dis stomped up Eldar.
    • Oh and a comment by one of the nameless Orks in Retribution:
      Ork: I gawt Eldar blood all ovar me! So shiny!
    • But the best Ork in the whole game has got to be the Mad Mek.
    Kaptin Bludflagg: Dem Orkz got a Mek for a boss! Dat's just sad, dat is.
    • After Bludflagg and co. find the first tellyporta.
      Nailbrain: Teleporta's up and runnin', boss!
      Bludflagg: Is it, then? Tested it 'ave ya?
      Nailbrain: Well Kap'n, we'z low on grots. I'm sure it's fine, dough. Mork says.
      Bludflagg: After you den, Mr. Nailbrain. (Nailbrain teleports) ...I 'ave no idea if dat means it works. Oh well. 'Ere we go! WAAAGH!!!
    • Mr. Nailbrain discovering just where the Typhon teleport sent them.
    According to this, we'ze on some kind of hulkey thing.
    In space.
    • And Bluddflagg's reply:
    You mean like a... Spacey hulk?
    • Discovering "Daisy", a huge custom Battlewagon built by other Orks, Bludflagg and company fight it to claim it. Seeing the Orks treat a death-spewing machine as a pet...
    Driver: My only regret is ... explodin'! AAAAGH!
    Nailbrain: Oh, you poor poor fing. Look wot wez gone an' done to ya. Kap'n! Kapn'! Can we's keep 'er?
    Bludflagg: Okay Mr. Nailbrain, but it's yer charge. Keep it fueled and armed and take it out fer rukks.
    Nailbrain: Hooray!
    • Bludflagg trying to do math after being told how long it will take for Mr. Nailbrain to get the Space Hulk up and running again.
    Bluddflagg: How long until wez can get dis fing up an' running outta dis naff sector?
    Nailbrain: Errr... I'd say not more than a year, Kap'n.
    Bluddflagg: But dat means... Er, one, three, carry the- DOH! Dey'll be here before we can leave, an' blow up our nice new shiny Spacey Hulk while dere at it!
    • Behold, not even the stealthiness of the Eldar can evade the keen gaze of Orkish teknology.
    Nailbrain: I'll set me Gitfinda to panzy! DERE OVER DERE!
    • The Orks figuring out that Kyras went to Cyrene.
    Bluddflagg: 'Ang on a squig... If dat Kyras git his anglin' ta zog da whole sector...
    Nailbrain: Right?
    Bluddflagg: And Kyras is IN da sector...
    Nailbrain: Okay...
    Bluddflagg: And Kyras don't want ta get zogged...
    Nailbrain: Yeah... yeah... right...
    Bluddflagg: And dose big humey ships won't dakka dat place they dakka'd before...
    Nailbrain: Yeah...?!
    Bluddflagg: Then Kyras... would go... ta da place... dey wouldn't dakka... which is dat place!
    Nailbrain: ...Still not following you Kap'n.
    Bluddflagg: Kyras is dere! Hoh... get ready you great posh tin plated stomp bait! DA ORKS IS COMING! WAAAGH!!
    • In the Eldar campaign, Bluddflagg serves as the first boss. Even here, he's hilarious:
    Ronahn: We should find another path. It is needless folly to face an Ork this size.
    Bluddflagg: Flattery, is it? Won't help yas none.
    Kayleth: It is but a small nuisance. Kill him. Then we will find the human.
    Bluddflagg: Hoho! An Eldar calls me small! That'd 'urt if it weren't so funny!
    Kayleth: Before I slay you, Ork, tell me: have you seen any humans since you infested this jungle?
    Bluddflagg: Why? Dere somefink in me teef?
    • Our Eldar protagonists have a moment here too. After the boss battle, Veldoran fries him. Bluddflagg keels over dead, and after a brief pause, Kayleth gives a very bitchy, snarky, dismissive "Hmmmm..." before turning to question Ronahn. As if the hulking, terrifying killing machine they just beat was a simple Mook, a speedbump between the Eldar and their goal.
    • The Mount Siccaris mission, where you desecrate the ruins of an Eldar craftworld, and murder the Eldar before they can escape. May induce some What the Hell, Hero? feelings for half the factions, but the orks turn it into a glorious Mr X And Mr Y sequence.
    Bluddflagg: Miss'ta Nailbrain, it looks ta me like dese Eldars want ta run off wiv all dese nice shiny bitz an' gubbins.
    Nailbrain: Well Kap'n, dat's jus' rude dat is. An' after we came all da way down 'ere ta steal 'em! Wot should we do sir?
    Bluddflagg: Well Miss'ta Nailbrain, I reckon' we should kill dem. 'Orribly of course.
    • And if you by chance had any bad feelings left on that mission:
    Eldar: Very well... Nibble and scavenge at our bodies, mindless vermin... The Inquisiton's ships come for all in this sector... It matters not whether you die at our hands... Or theirs...
    Bluddflagg: Blah blah blah. 'urry up and die, twiggy.
    Bluddflagg: Miss'ta Nailbrain, 'ave yous eva' noticed dat wheneva you kill o' of dese guys, dey say somefing like that? Now look sharp boyz! Get all dis loot 'fore it all gets covered in Eldar blood. Stains, it does.
  • Nailbrain on grenades: Inelegant, but pleasingly loud.
  • The DOWII announcer for the Orkz is a Grot that's a shameless sycophant, oozes sheer unadulterated snark, makes fun of every other team on your side or not, and is quick to panic if his team is losing.

    Grot: [When a squad gets killed without you noticing] "Ummm, the boyz you sent to get dat point? They're... not coming back."
    Grot: [A Ork squad starts dying] "They's just a green smear now, Boss!"
    Grot: [Allied Lictor dies] "That sneaky bug we liked, da Lictor? Well, he licked it!"
    Grot: [Allied Mek dies] "Our ally's the Mekboy, see, but now he's nothin' but a puddle of goo!"
    Grot: [Team's victory points get to 10] "DERE'S NO HOPE! *Girly scream*
    Grot: [Kommandos reinforce] "Another sneaky boy is... ummm, somewheres?"
    Grot: [Allied Warlock revives] "Our ally the Eldar Warlock's back at his camp, makin' his helmet shiny or somethin'."
    Grot: [Allied Techmarine dies] "Da humie Mekboy- Whah? [beat] Oh, 'tekmarine'. Well, whateva' ya call him, he's dead now.
    Grot: [An Ork Mek dies] Sum git jus' separated our Mekboy from 'is own 'ead!
  • "Drive me closer! I want to hit them with my sword!"
    • Even funnier is that you can find a power sword (which does extra damage to vehicles) with this description:
    Col. Nelson of the Krieg 23rd Armored Regiment was known for pushing his regiment into close combat with the enemy then closing to point-blank range while waving this sword from the cupola of his command tank.
  • In the first Dawn of War, watching a Tau commander meleeing a non-defended building to death is hilarious. Watch as he recoils and parries attacks that are not, in fact, taking place.
  • Orks do the duck walk when moving through cover.
    • Also, "ALIEN BEANS!!"
  • Lord General Castor and Sergeant Merrick make unsubtle threats to murder each other as if it were casual conversation. Also Sergeant Merrick deciding (serving under a disciplinary code that ancient Romans would have considered tyrannical) that calling your superior officer's competence into question is a better option than flat out threatening to murder him.
  • In Dark Crusade, if you're playing as Imperial Guard and are planting the bomb to entomb the Necrons (again), you'll definitely want to use your APCs and vehicles to take your men and charge back to the extraction point after you've planted the thing... which may lead to a long conga line of vehicles screaming hell for leather for the exit followed by a long line of very angry Necrons... including the Personification of Death.
    • Similarly hilarious results can be obtained from the Orks, especially since a fully upgraded Gorgutz is capable of simply running in, dropping the bomb, and running out again. That the Ork bomb is a heap of leftover explosives bolted together, some of which fall off just before it detonates, is just icing on the cake - the ancient and powerful Necrons, who have mastered technologies the Imperium didn't even realise could exist, are defeated by a heap of secondhand grenades.
  • If the Orks in Retribution reach the Big Bad, he gives a reaction that is equal to a Flat "What"... shortly before he falls over laughing.
    Kyras: Orks? Orks?! The Emperor's slaves send ORKS?! Heheheheh... AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!" note 
  • As a consequence of the game mechanic having the Necron Lord resurrect where he fell instead of being respawned, it is perfectly possible to build defensive structures and station troops and vehicles around his fallen shell. Given enough firepower, it possible to watch him dramatically resurrect only to die a second later from all the concentrated firepower.
  • Playing as the Tau in Dark Crusade gets hilarious when you assault the Chaos stronghold. Eliphas uses his psychic powers to taunt the player's commanders, usually resulting in terror and disgust. Since Tau are Flat Earth Atheists and almost immune to the effects of Chaos, O'Kais attributes the buzzing in his head to radio interference.
    Eliphas: You come to your death, Tau!
    O'Kais: And shut down that comm chatter.
  • The Necron Lord of Kronus usually does not speak, preferring to use Thomas Macabee as his voice when dealing with the other races. When you fight against the Chaos Stronghold, the Necron Lord breaks his silence to personally taunt Eliphas. Unfortunately all he can muster is a few beeps and what sounds like a mechanical fart. Eliphas then exclaims "Your soul is GONE." Granted, it's not because the Necron Lord made a robo-fart, but because Eliphas could not psychically link with the lord at all due to the Necrons not having souls. It's also one of the few times Eliphas loses control of his demeanor.
  • One from the original game, during one of the conversations between Sindri and Bale. Sindri is in the middle of performing a ritual when he is interrupted with Bale, who is angry about how close the Blood Ravens are getting. After he calms Bale down, Sindri actually has to say "Where were we?" before continuing the ritual.
    • In the novelization, the scene is done from the point of view of one of the cultists in said ritual, with the interruption coming right as Sindri is about to sacrifice him. As the conversation progresses, the cultist grows ever more frustrated that his master won't cut his throat already.
    • In fact, most interactions between these two count. Sindri patiently placates his overzealous master, while dropping (not so) subtle hints at his true intentions, knowing perfectly well that they will go over Bale's head.
  • Berserkers of Khorne getting out of a tank Crosses the Line Twice.
    We need a new driver! This one is dead!
  • Using a Mad Dok to plant an Incredibly Obvious Bomb near a cluster of occupied troops and running away before the explosion sends everything flying is something to bring out the inner ork in every player.
  • Eliphas, Araghast, Carron and Crull play Slender.
  • This exchange when Inquisitor Toth arrives on Tartarus.
    Sergeant Matiel: Then why is he here? Does he suspect one of us of heresy?
    Gabriel: He's an Inquisitor. They suspect everyone of heresy.
    • Later, after, despite Toth assurances that no Chaos forces are present on the planet, the team comes upon a grisly and very obviously Chaotic sacrifical site:
    So the good Inquisitor senses no Chaos here? How fortunate for the Imperium that such keen-eyed eagles stand vigil over her gates.
  • The Ork Big Mek assumes command of a squad in traditional Orkish fashion.
    Big Mek: Oi! You boyz follow me, or I'll give ya a thump!
  • The Sisters of Battle's Stronghold description mentions a public announcement of them wanting anyone who wants to confess to show up at 10 in the morning, and everyone who wants to join their new civilian militia to join up ten minutes before.
  • In the aftermath text for victory of Orks over Battle Sisters in Soulstorm, the narrator says that the Ork warboss Gorgutz was fascinated with the Living Saint he fought and especially her wings, and afterwards kept pestering his Mekboyz with demands to make him wings. Just try and imagine a huge green beast, clad in ramshackle armor and armed with some enormous belching gun and equally enourmous mechanical claw that sparks lightning and is on fire... fluttering around on a pair of angelic wings.
  • If the Orks beat the Dark Eldar stronghold in Soulstorm, the Orks invented a new sport: Shoving Dark Eldar into their own cages and seeing how far they could throw them in the Lacunae moon's reduced gravity.
  • Orks are not impressed by the diseased majesty of the Plague Champion.
    Ork Boy: Itz one of dem spikey boyz! Phew... smellz a bit ripe, don't 'e?
  • Boreale attempts to survive nuclear war: What if Brother-Captain Indrick Boreale was the Sole Survivor?
    Wife: It's probably that salesman again...

    Salesman: So you are!
    Salesman: So you are...

    -Salesman leaves-
    Boreale: There is no time to be lost!

    Newscaster: Confirmed reports of nuclear detonations in New York, and Pennsylvania-
    Boreale: Where?

    NPC: Help us!
    Boreale: No.

    -After surviving a massive explosion-
    Boreale:''' We can take anything they throw at us.
    -Cue second explosion-

  • In the aftermath of the Imperial Guard victory over the Orks in Dark Crusade, hunter squads were formed for mop up operation and bounties were offered for the most Ork kills. The Ogryns took to this task with much gusto, and when a Commissar tried to forbid the bounty as incompatible with Imperial Creed, he had to spend a few weeks in the Medicae Temple after informing the Ogryns about his decision.
  • The Archive for the Tau stronghold in Soulstorm says that a drone's faulty programming caused it to make a map of the entire Nan Yanoi base in rivets.
  • The commander of the Sisters of Battle Immolator tank (an armored personnel carrier with dual flamethrowers on top) really enjoys her job and will tell you about it frequently and at the top of her lungs.
    BEHOLD! The Immolator Tank! BURNING GLORY!
    My flamers will cleanse ALL TAINT!

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