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Funny / Criken 2

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  • "Traitors Under the Sea."
    • After a lot of deliberation, Buck names his character Domique. Near the end of the round he tries really hard to come up with a good Pre-Mortem One-Liner involving his name.
      Buck: I, uh...
      Criken: Yes, captain?
      Buck: Domique... uh, don't, make... don't... make... make... you don't... this... isn't... the, the drinking room... don't... make... me look like a... liar.
      Criken: [holding back laughter] Capt- (shotgun blast)

    Dark Souls Chaos Randomizer Challenge 

  • Criken and Tomato play Dark Souls: Remastered with the enemies and items completely randomized. Hilarity, and a lot of "You Died," Ensues.
  • The first episode sets the tone when Criken walks out of his cell and immediately dies, because instead of an oblivious Stray Demon, the Asylum's sealed room is inhabited by a very alert Manus, whose attack clips through the walls.
    Criken: WHAT?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I hadn't even walked three steps yet!
  • Throughout the second episode, snippets of "Snake Eater" play whenever Criken climbs or descends a ladder. Which culminates in a fight on the top of a tower that subverts a Theme Music Power-Up.
  • Episode Three is titled "The Dog Seed" due to the number of canines involved, including the Great Grey Wolf Sif. Who all end up chasing Criken into a boss fight against Chaos Witch Quelaag, where he gets trapped on a ladder between a fire-flinging enemy at the top and a rising ocean of lava below him.
  • When Criken is hit with Toxic in Episode Four, he and "Father" Tomato tearfully try to make it to the boss before Criken expires, with Tomato tossing his companion some healing items to try to stave off the damage for as long as possible. Then chat points out something.
    Criken: Wait, I have moss? (checks inventory and cures his poison) I do, I do!
    Tomato: What the fuck? Give me my Humanities back, those are, like, expensive!
  • Criken gets the ultimate disrespect.
  • We get a "concerning laugh in Tomato" due to the totally randomized loot tables.
    Criken: You got the Lordvessel?!
    Tomato: I got the Lordvessel off a gargoyle.
    Criken: You got the Lordvessel off a two-hit gargoyle.
    • Seath the Scaleless keeps showing up in odd places, first not-flying along the sides of a canyon, then clipping through the walls of a tunnel, and finally by showing up in a non-killable form during the Bell Gargoyle boss fight. And each time, he's accompanied by the Bouldergeist's boss music.
    • The adventure takes a drastic turn when Criken and Tomato reveal their "glitch in the Matrix," so each of them will be seeing different enemies. For example, Tomato gets his ass kicked by Gwyn, Lord of Cinder, who Criken sees, and fights, as a T-posing mushroom man.
  • The "glitched" experience leads to some oddities in combat.
    Tomato: Ma'am, you need to calm down, you're being hysterical.
    Criken: Behind you, right behind you! There's a Dark Void Lord Manus-
    Tomato: Ma'am, is that a ra- are you talking about the rat, ma'am?
    Criken: No, he's above you - ahhh, now he's right next to me!
    Tomato: You mean the rat?
    Criken: Yes, keep hitting him! Oh, you did it!
    Tomato: It was a - ma'am, it's just a rat, it's not a "dark lord," it was a rat, ma'am.
    Criken: It was a 30,000 souls dark lord-
    Tomato: No, ma'am. It was a rat.
    Criken: It was a very scary-
    Tomato: Help me kill this wizard you have hiding in your closet.
    Criken: I don't - what wizard are you talking about?
    Tomato: Ma'am!
    Criken: It's a snake.
    Tomato: The skeleton in your closet just murdered me!
    • After Tomato and Solaire are defeated by the "Bell Gargoyles:"
      Criken: Can I do this? Do I have the Dark Souls skills?
      Narrator: He didn't.
  • Tomato's "OHHH MY GOD!! HUMANITY?!" scream keeps appearing in the Previously On intro, this time in reaction to Solaire's death last episode.
    • Criken and Tomato are playing under the "Pinwheel Chaos" modifier, where the boss itself isn't randomized, but the copies it makes are. This turns one of the least intimidating bosses in the game into one of the most dangerous, as the duo quickly discover. The first attempt at fighting Pinwheel sees him spawn the Centipede Demon, which proceeds to grab and kill Criken. They're spared further pain and stream derailment when the second attempt summons a Stone Giant, which thankfully for them is spawned in a corner and is too slow to reach them before they kill Pinwheel.
  • "Uh, Tomato? I don't think I'm coming back."
  • The boys get extremely lucky with the Ceaseless Discharge, as both times they fight it they find a normal enemy instead of a boss. Though Tomato does point out that the walking stick enemy they face the first time has killed them more than anything else.
  • Tomato gets so mad.
    Tomato: I just killed the Firekeeper. There's no bonfire left here.
    Criken: Why would you kill the Firekeeper?
    Tomato: 'cause I'm angry and unfortunately you live too far away for me to strangle you with my massive man-hands.
    • Criken, who has somehow made it to Anor Londo without getting a single key item from the RNG, finally gets the Lordvessel... from Gwynevere, as intended.
      Tomato: Yeah, she's keeping it from you.
      Criken: Where could she be hiding it? Wink.
      Tomato: Okay, could you stop being so disgusting?
      Criken: Sorry!
      Tomato: Like, I've been making a keen effort to not talk about her gigantic-
      Criken: Oh, she gave me the Lordvessel! She gave me the Lordvessel! She did!
      Tomato: WHAT?! Did you fu- wait, did you somehow- what the fuck?!
  • "The Manus and a toilet, best friends."
    • Tomato freaks out when it's his turn to fight Dark Sun Gwyndolin, only to find that the Pinwheel they're fighting isn't summoning anything, leading him and Criken to feel sorry for the guy.
    • Tomato doesn't have a light source for the Tomb of the Giants, so he's stuck following Criken through the dark, enemy-infested cliffs and ramps.
      Criken: That's kind of a fun bit, kind of a fun joke-
      Tomato: It's a lot of fun, having your entire life in Criken's hands, isn't that sort of funny, chat?
      Criken: Well, I feel like you would know, that, I would never do anything to willfully harm you. Right?
      Tomato: Man, last time we streamed this you pushed me off like the fucking ramparts of Anor Londo while I was walking in a straight line super-slowly-
      Criken: Accident.
      Tomato: -like, just shoved me-
      Criken: Accident. Accident!
  • That terrifying moment when you're invaded by someone fumbling blindly through the caves.
    Tomato: As a person who also can't see the ground, this is really embarrassing.
  • Episode 14 is titled "Priscilla's Tragedy" because, well...
  • Criken's time in prison within The Duke's Archives is made more difficult by a Fire Sage attacking through the walls and a player message covering the key to get out.
    • "Be wary of right."
    • Tomato gets pissed when Benji threatens to supplant him as Criken's helper, and especially after he gets pushed off a ledge again.
      Tomato: By the way, Benji's not real.
      Criken: He's real, he's right there-
      Tomato: Literally never has been. You've been in the hospital for the past four years.
      Criken: Huh?
      Tomato: Yeah. I'm your therapist, Mister...
      Criken: Mister...?
      Tomato: Perry.
      Criken: Mister Perry.
      Tomato: Mister Perry, that's my name. And, um heads up - I'm sick of you.
  • "I do want to preface this by saying that perhaps he got bored of waiting, because, ah..."
    • Criken decides to change approach.
      Criken: It's time to beef up, Tomato.
      Tomato: ...What?
      Criken: Put on your beefiest gear.
      Tomato: Hang on, hold that thought, I've just been toxic'd.
      Criken: Okay.
      Criken: I'm beefin' up! I'm goin' in there, I'm goin' in there with my beef out, and I'm gonna start swingin'.
    • And then he tries out his "edgy" voice.
      Tomato: Can you clear your fucking throat, it's disgusting.
      Criken: C'mon. Let's get a move on.
      Tomato: Jesus Christ, you just have a, it's like, phlegm. It's just like tons of phlegm. Just cough once and you'll be good.
  • "That's a fast tree! That's a fast tree! What the fuck?!"
    • Tomato gives himself a dragon-y makeover, which quickly goes to uncomfortable places.
      Criken: You've become a scaly!
      Tomato: No, a dragon, I got the dragon - I hate you so much. You ruined it.
      Criken: I'm happy for you, dude. I'm glad you embraced your true self.
      Tomato: (runs to the edge of a cliff) I'll do it. Take it back, say I'm a cool dragon. My name is - my name is Firewing.
      Criken: You're a cool dragon named Firewing.
      Tomato: Yeah. Hell yeah. (cracks up)
      Criken: (laughing) "Take it back! Say my new dragon persona!"
    • And then Criken gets in on it too when he finds his own Dragon Head Stone.
      Criken: ("edgy" voice) You can call me Shadow Wing.
      Tomato: I hate - (laughs) I just violently cringed, at the concept I was about to again bring up "Firewing," or whatever the fuck- (laughs) I just felt physically ill at the concept that we may even humor the idea of that RP. Let's just get to the Bed [of Chaos] and claim our souls, yeah?
      Criken: You wanna get to the bed so fast, Firewing? I thought at least we'd have a little bit of foreplay.
      Tomato: STOP! (gags)
      • During the second run through the area, Tomato claims he's feeling "cringe aftershocks" remembering what was said during the first run.
  • Episode 18 takes a dramatic turn when Criken gets infested with parasites.
    Criken: I think Shadow Wing pregnate!
    Tomato: ...What the fu- I hate that-
    Criken: Shadow Wing pregnate with worm!
    Tomato: I don't like how you pronounce pregnate - now you got me saying- (cracks up) No!
    • Tomato is reluctant to accept "The Deep Lore" promised in the episode title
      Tomato: I hate that you are now literally writing my character that's just named Tomato in this game-
      Criken: Tomato is Edwad's grandfather!
      Tomato: I don't want... please don't, please don't write me into your branding. [...] I'm actually begging you.
      Criken: I don't know, I didn't - I don't actually write the lore, dude, I just analyze it, like Vaati.
      Tomato: (laughing) Imagine laying out such a cop-out!
  • Kalameet the suicidal rodent.
    • When facing the Four Kings, first Tomato and Criken fight some sort of slime, maybe, an invisible Centipede Demon, a Minotaur, and a dead mushroom. Then for Criken's run, they face down an immobilized Kalameet, an invisible Gwyn, Seath the Scaleless, and... another dead mushroom.
  • For the grand finale, Tomato sets it so that there will be nothing but bosses on the way to the final boss room, which will contain a final enemy. And he insists on hacking his way through everything.
    Criken: We have to go!
    Tomato: "Go?!" We battle, Criken!
    Criken: We're gonna kill all of them?!
    Tomato: Anything that gets in our way! This is to prove to everyone that we're the best! (beat) Until we are forced to run, because we are cowards at the end.
    • The dramatic action music suddenly cuts off.
      Tomato: At the very end of the game, Criken cannot help but embarrass himself.
    • At the door to the final boss room, Tomato suggests they stop and "reminisce about our journey together."
      Criken: (as the "OH MY GOD, HUMANITY?!" clip plays) Man... we've been through quite a lot, haven't we, Tomato?
      Tomato: Alright, that's enough, let's go.
      Criken: Alright.
    • The final boss is anticlimactic but appropriate.
      Criken: Of course it's him! Of course it's fucking him!
      Tomato: This is permadeath, dude! This fucking guy, after all this, I knew he was evil!

    Dark Souls III 

    Human Fall Flat 


  • During GOLF NIGHT 2: Drunk Minigolf Gone Wrong, everyone involved is drunk and playing the notoriously rage inducing Golf It. Naturally, hilarity ensues.
    • After Tomato spends most of the game fucking with the rest of the players, Lawlman decides to get some revenge on a difficult hole after Tomato makes it close to the end..
      Lawlman: Tamto, press "R".
      Tomato: What does that- (presses R, resetting himself to the beginning of the hole) What did he mean? (realizes what just happened) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
  • In a Pixelmon stream, all of the players roll to see what type each of them have to stick to. Rubyfair fails to get Ghost type instead becoming the Dark Type trainer, much to her dismay and Strippin's sympathy. Later Strippin has Criken roll his type for him since he already knows what the rolls would give him... and winds up with Ghost. Cue The Scream from Ruby before she crouch walks over to continuously punch Strippin in the knees.
    • For the majority of the stream Ruby winds up pining over all the Ghost Types she can't have, even whining like a struck puppy over a Mimikyu that she desperately wants but cannot have due to its Ghost/Fairy typing.
    • During said stream, Criken gets really excited over the idea of getting a Salazzle due to its Fire/Poison typing making his party more versatile. However, due to his overexcited attempts to find one and said Pokemon's "reputation" with the Furry Fandom he winds up sounding like he's after Salazzle for a very different reason to the rest of the players.
    • Rubyfair runs into him during this period after hearing him refer to Lopunny as the "Dominatrix Bunny" and his referring to Salazzle as the "Sexy Lizard" doesn't help his case with her.
      Rubyfair: All your fetishes are coming to the surface at once and I don't like this insight.
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    • Criken, being Criken, doubles down on the easily misunderstood wording.
      Criken: I also want to turn my Roselia into a beautiful woman, but she's just a little girl right now...
      Rubyfair: Can you stop?
    • At one point Rubyfair's Murkrow evolves into Honchkrow, but due to the way Pixelmon handles size it's puny compared to her. Doesn't stop her from being able to use it as a flying mount though.
      Criken: Can you fly him now?
      (Ruby gets on Honchkrow, completely obscuring him as she and Criken burst into laughter)
      Rubyfair: (flying away) See ya' nerds!
  • Onward VR: The PTSD Simulator: Criken opens the video by holding another player at gunpoint and challenging them to "give me one reason not to". To his horror, the other player immediately shoots themself in the head.


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