Where do we begin....
- Episode 1:Clovis: Fellow citizens of Britannia! I give you, The Pussycat Dolls.
- Episode four: Suzaku's human vuvuzela, and pretty much the whole interrogation scene.Bite me banana man!
Lelouch: Look out the window and tell me what you see.Kallen: Uh, a bunch of buildings.Lelouch: Wait, what? A bunch of buildings? Are you sure it's not a tunnel?Kallen: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.Lelouch: Ah, dammit I'm on the wrong train.
- Also, pretty much everything on the train, especially the phone conversation:
- The opening to Episode 5, its entirety. Can you say "pure crack"?Narator: Last time!One: And now evildoers, thou shall be smited by my fists of JUSTICE!Jeremiah: Not this time, Anime Batman! This time, I will destroy you!One: Eat this! *Cue live-action explosion*Kallen: *Singing* I want, you so much, that I, just, can't resist you!One: Shut up down there! I'm trying to be epic!Jeremiah: Hah, you fool. I'm still here!One: Damn! Nothing can defeat him!Guard 1: Dude, what the hell is going on?Guard 2: Dude, I never know what's going on.Kewell: Lord Jeremiah, we have to eliminate him.Jeremiah: I'm sorry, Lord Kewell, we can't! Because you see... I'm tripping balls right now!Viletta: It would seem that I'm tripping too!Kallen: Oh god, I'm tripping balls!Ohgi: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing.One: Oh no. Now I'm tripping balls!Guard 1: Dude I'm tripping balls.Gaurd 2: Dude I'm tripping balls.Suzaku: I'm tripping balls!Ohgi: Well I feel fine-oh, there it goes.One: Now I must use my ultimate attack!Suzaku: Oh no, the ultimate technique!One: Aaaaaaaaagh--!Jeremiah: Aaaaaaaaaaagh—!Kallen: Aaaaaaaaaagh—!Jeremiah: [Rapidly discharging pistol into the air] —Aaaaaaaaaaagh—!Suzaku: *Being electrified* —AAAAAAAAAAGH—!One: [Cape flapping] —AAAAAAAAAGH—![Title Cut]
- Lelouch discovering that Suzaku has his own Wikipedia page.
- After Suzaku had come over to Lelouch's house for dinner which happened mostly off-screen in episode six:Lelouch: That was not eating. I've seen eating; what you did in there was pure chaos!
- Episode 7
Cornelia: Well it ain't saying much, but Lloyd, you're our top researcher
- This conversation between Cornelia and Lloyd
Lloyd Your mother is our top researcher.
Cornelia: You do know I'm the new princess in charge of this area, right?
Lloyd: Your mother is the new princess in charge of MY area.
- Episode 8 (better view the video since spoiler can ruin the punchline) but the scene where Lelouch shoots the japanese commander for a full 15 seconds.
Correspondent: If only there was some way to stall for time. If only somebody who'd obtained the recent attention of all rebel forces, somebody who'd freed a political prisoner from an armed escort, someone who'd escaped a FULL MILITARY MANHUNT, would help us, in this time of need. Someone...who likes white neckerchiefs.
- The pre-credits scene is hilarious as well:Lelouch: Wait, so me, Kallen, Suzaku, and Rivalz are in charge?*Smash Cut to the school exploding, repeatedly*Lelouch: Rivalz, this is all your fault!Rivalz: But you told me to do it.Lelouch: LIAR!*another explosion*
Kallen: So, what's our next move?One: I'm thinkin' Disney World...Ohgi: Yo, shotgun on the room with the hottub!
- cut to Kallen and One
Jude Law: I knew nothing!One: Well that's a given.Robert Downey Jr.: I knew less than nothing.One: Oh, no. You're Iron Man!Downey, Jr.: —you gotta have a little fight in you.One: I'll fuck anyone up, I don't give a fuck! I'll kick Jude Law's ass! [Jude Law looks down] Yeah, yeah, keep your head down!Law: [stutters]One: Shut your damn mouth, I'm trying to talk to IRON MAN!!! [Jude Law drinks some coffee]. Where'd you get that?! [Jude Law drinks more coffee]. I DEMAND YOU SHARE!!!Law: —no—One: Well, you can go to hell.Law: —are those my shoes?One: I'm not wearing shoes.
- And the following Skype call (really just footage cut from a Sherlock Holmes interview):
"Hey where the hell is camera 3?" "He said he was gonna go get some action shots." "THIS-IS-GONNA-BE-THE-BEST-SHOT-EVER!!" *plummeting out of building.*
- Camera 3, full stop.
One: We are the Dark Knights for justice... because, as children, we were nursed on the milk of justice, and, as we grew up, we acquired a taste for justice. Now, as we get older, we once again desire the taste of justice... but we cannot find the milk, so we go to Starbucks, and we get a coffee, but it's not the same thing! IT SUCKS! WHY DID I ORDER THIS?! IT'S TERRIBLE! And, now, you all understand what our mission is. And! What! We! Must! Do!Suzaku: WE NEED TO EAT!
- Also, the reveal of One's group to the world:
- The pre-credits scene is hilarious as well:
- The beginning of episode 9:C.C.: I still don't follow any of this.Lelouch: Look, it's really simple. I'm the son of the King of Britannia.C.C.: Then why are you in Japan?Lelouch: Let me break it down for ya. Every nation belongs to one of three major empiresnote . Britannia, The Chinese Federation, Britannia, San Marino, Kazakhstannote , Britannia, Alderaannote , Britannia, Corneria and Britannia.C.C.: I don't even know why I bothered to ask.Lelouch: My dad is the current King of Britannia.(cut)Charles: This job is bitching good!(cut back)Lelouch: With dad being the king and all, one wife wasn't his thing. Unfortunately, it was only too late he discovered the downside of having too many wives.(cut)Charles: If I've got to watch one more episode of Bridezillas, I'm going to saw my own arm off.(cut back)Lelouch: See, me and Nunnally have the same mother—(cut)Lelouch: Nunnally! WE HAVE TO KILL THE TOOTH FAIRY!Nunnally: Every day I pray I was adopted.(cut back)Lelouch: We had a fuck-ton of half brothers and sisters, who all lived with us at dad's place. And my God we were motherlicking adorable. For the most part we tolerated each other. However, we sometimes got on each other's nerves.[Image of young Lelouch and young Nunnally fighting over plate] In my defence, she would not let go of that plate. Of course there was that one half brother...Dah, never mind. Anyway, one day I went along with dad on a diplomatic trip to Japan. You see, Japan used to be great independent nation, led by a great man. (image of Abraham Lincoln with a gatling gun arm) There was only one flaw. His son.(cut)Suzaku: I can live entirely on a diet of crayons and lighter fluid!(cut back)Lelouch: After one tragic Slip'n'Slide incident, I decided we should return home—[image of young Lelouch with Hair on fire]—only to find that my mom had gone and gotten herself shot.(cut)Marianne: [through hail of bullets] That smarts!(cut back)Lelouch: From there I was sent back to Japan, where I thought my father would miss me.Charles: [Thinking]What was I thinking about just now? Something about Japan.[Out loud] We're taking over Japan. [thinking] Booya!Lelouch: Meanwhile, Suzaku was determined when he grew up to win the war between Japan and Britannia. Unfortunately, he signed up for the wrong side.C.C.: Not surprised.Lelouch: Yes, but what is surprising is that even with Suzaku on their team, the Britannians somehow won, which brings me to today. Long story short, there's some remnants of the underground Japanese army.(cut)Toudoh: If anyone wants a pizza bagel, e-mail me and I'll give you some.(Cut back)Lelouch: There's still some Britannian soldiers occupying the country.(cut to Those Two Guys)Guy 1: Dude, you know what I'm thinking?Both Guys: PIZZA BAGELS!(cut back)Lelouch: And finally there's some rebel forces which look up to me after Clovis went and killed himself.C.C.: I thought you killed him.Lelouch: Eh, details.C.C.: Well, I guess that covers about everything.Lelouch: Yup, no gaping plot holes at all.C.C.: But...Lelouch: At ALL![Beat]C.C.: But what about your friends? What about Milly, what about Kallen—Lelouch: NO ONE CARES ABOUT KALLEN!
Kallen: F**k learning!Opens the door to the Student Council Room, while Lelouch rants angrily.Lelouch: I'LL F**KING KILL YOU F**KS! I'LL F**K YOU IN THE ***!Door opens to reveal Milly, Rival, Shirley, and Suzaku dressed like cats, holding Lelouch down so they can dress him up too.Kallen: What's going on?Shirley: We're dressing up like cats.Kallen: Aaaaannnd?Lelouch: There is no f**king point. There's never any f**king point!Rivalz: I'm a tiger!Lelouch: The day I snap, you're the first to go.Suzaku: I'm an astronaut!
- After Kallen arrives at Ashford Academy that morning:
Viletta: Oh, Jeremiah, thank you for taking me out.Jeremiah: Woman, I'm hopped up on drugs! I have no idea where I took you!Viletta: Oh no, you haven't been taking that Refrain again, have you? It's rumored that that's how the Dark Knights are getting their funding.Jeremiah: Hell no, I'm a real man! PCP all the way!Viletta: Oh dear....Jeremiah: Oh no, I'm freaking out! THE DREAM IS COLLAPSING!
- Also from episode 9, Jeremiah on drugs:
Kallen: Mommy!Mom #1: That stepladder attacked me, but I ***ed it up good!Kallen: Are you okay?Mom #1: Bitch, get back in your room. Mommy's about to teach this stepladder a violent lesson in pain.
- The Black Knights score some drugs:
One: Jesus H. CHRIST-MAS, KALLEN! WE JUST WANTED TO SCORE SOME DRUGS, NOT KILL THE FEDS!
- The heist goes awry.
- Kallen's mothers:
Mom #1: Kallen! This whorebasket just showed up for you.Mom #2: Honeybutter that's no way to treat a guest. Now show that bitch to Kallen's room.Mom #1: (vase breaks) It attacked me!
- When Milly shows up at her house.
Kallen: Who are all these people?Lelouch/One: The users and abusers: people who want to escape their lives because their loved ones are huge let-downs.Kallen: Mommy! How could I have not seen this?Mom #1: (in flashback) That stepladder attacked me! (flashback) It attacked me! (another flashback) I like listening to Bruce Springsteen.
- When the Black Knights find a room full of meth addicts.
- The Stinger for Episode 9:Britannian Guard 1: Whoa; whoa, buddy! We cant let anyone through here; weve got reports of drug smugglers in these parts.Lelouch/One: Aw, come on; please?Britannian Guard 2: Dude: he said please.Britannian Guard 1: Aw; he did say please. *to Lelouch* Ah; what the hell. You look like a pretty trustworthy guy. Go on ahead.Lelouch/One: Well, thank you kindly. *passes*Britannian Guard 2: ...dude!Britannian Guard 1: *looks at Britannian Guard 2*Britannian Guard 2: ...WHERE THE FUCK ARE OUR PIZZA BAGELS?!
- Episode 10: Lelouch's conversation with his cousin.Death the Kid: You've got to stop.C.C.: Your cousin...is Death the Kid? Death, the guy that reaps souls, who somehow inexplicably had a kid, is your uncle?Lelouch: On my old man's side.C.C.: The King of Britannia is brothers with Death?Lelouch: Yep.C.C.: It's official: this shit makes no sense at all.Lelouch: That's nothing. You should've seen my mom's brother.(cuts to Alucard shooting someone)Alucard: Don't worry, my bullets will heal you for negative damage.Alexander Anderson: Hello my good sir, are you satisfied with your current car insurance payments?(Alucard shoots Anderson, 1-up music plays, Anderson is healed -1 damage, cut back to Lelouch and Death the Kid)Kid: Our fucked up family tree aside, I need to ask you a huge favor.Lelouch: Nope. (Beat) Fine.Kid: It's not a big favor, really. I was just wondering if you could stop killing people!Lelouch: Ying!Kid: Oh, don't you start that shit again!Lelouch: Ying.Kid: Stop.Lelouch: Yiiing!Kid: Listen.Lelouch: Ying...Kid: I'm not going to play this game with you.Lelouch: Oh my god!Kid: What is it?Lelouch: You're in my computer right now!Kid: What?Lelouch: Don't go messing up my very secure and personal operating system.Kid: Oh, for the love of god: YOU OWN A LINUX!Lelouch: Ying!Kid: Lelouch, listen to me. You've got to stop killing people!Lelouch: What? Why?Kid: Because Dad is tired of reaping all the souls you've killed. You've made everyone work overtime just to keep up with you. You're killing them faster than we can put them away. I think we may have lost a few.Ghost Nappa: I'm in your show, fucking it up.Kid: No one ever knows what you're talking about.Lelouch: Ying!Kid: Seriously, you're killing all the wrong people!Lelouch: Sooooo...Kid: Yeeees...Lelouch: What you're sayin' iiiiis...Kid: Yeeees...Lelouch: That IIIIIII...Kid: Yeeees...Lelouch: Should blow shit up! / kill all the right people! noteKid: Yes! Wait, no!C.C.: No!Alucard: Do it!Lelouch: Doin' it!Alternate version only Kid (thinking): I really hate my life.Lelouch: It's time to take this fight to the Britannians! Pack your bags woman, we're going for a walk.(Title Cut)
- Lelouch shooting himself."That smarts!"
- Episode 11:C.C. (with a gaping splinter wound in her chest): Please god, let that have just been a terrible nightmare.Lelouch (Cheery Voice): I made you naked!C.C.: Damn it.
C.C.: Did that bitch just hiss at me?!Kallen: WHATCHU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?Lelouch: Kallen, KALLEN; let's get one thing straight: ...I WAS GIVIN' HER THE SEX!
- Followed by:
- Episode 12 CLASSY:
Shirley: Two-thousand dollar tickets to the opera house, again?! I'm so done with musicals! Thanks for nothing, Dad!Nina (thinking): F**king white people!Shirley: I know! I'll ask Lelouch to go with me!Lelouch (who just walked in): GOD NO!Millie: There you are! I haven't seen you in ages.Lelouch (walking past her): Shut up, Millie. No one cares.Millie: Betcha can't wait to do all that homework you missed. (laughs)Lelouch (leaving again): Choke on it, Millie!
- The set up for Shirley trying to get Lelouch to go on a date with her:
- And the aftermath of Shirley successfully blackmailing Lelouch into going with her, leading to a very... Squicky expression of joy on her part. We see Shirley leaning against a wall congratulating herself and stating she feels relieved. And then she proceeds to urinate for at least twenty seconds (even she seems surprised at how long it goes), creating a tidal wave of urine.
Ohgi: Oh my god, what is that smell?!Lelouch/One: My credit card got turned down at the laundry-mat today, and yet I'm still positive that this outfit is sterile.Ohgi: Uh, I don't follow-Lelouch/One: I'M COVERED IN URINE!Ohgi: Your own urine?Lelouch:...Yes.note
- That does not go unnoticed by the Dark Knights later on.
Nunnally: Lelouch, there you are. I think Nina's really sick. I walked in on her in the student faculty room and she sounded like a dying coyote.Lelouch laughs his head off for about 10 seconds.Lelouch (breathing hard from laughing): Yeah, heh, yeah. (Calmer now) Nunnally, Nunnally, Nunnally. When a woman and a table love each other very much...Cut to next day as Lelouch walks to class.Lelouch: It's gonna be a miracle if that girl doesn't grow up to be a psychopath.
- Following the "Classy" moment in the opening, and the later follow-up (punctuated by "A Whole New World") which Nunnally accidentally stumbled upon, we get this exchange when Lelouch comes in to tuck her into bed that night:
Soldier 1: Yo, dude, this one's still moving.Gunshot.Soldier 1: Never mind!Viletta (thinking): I hate this goddamn job.
- The clean up of the Shatter Mountain incident:
- Episode 13: then as always deadpan reactions to death.Soldier 1: Dude?Soldier 2: Yeah buddy?Soldier 1: (As a submarine flies towards them) Is that a sub?Soldier 2: ...yeah, that's a sub. *hit by submarine*
Soldier 1: Dude?Soldier 2: Yeah buddy?Soldier 1: (As a submarine flies towards them) Is that a sub?Soldier 2: No, didn't you read the caption earlier? It's a UVARD.Soldier 1: The fuck is a UVARD?! *hit by UVARD*Cornelia: Oh shit they threw a UVARD at those guys!Guilford: *runs onscreen* What the fuck is a UVARD?!
- Or, when they are subverted as in XIII-2:
Lelouch: You may want to buy a blender.Cornelia: What?Lelouch: So you can drink it all in.
- Lelouch stating that he doesn't believe British people exist because he's never seen any and all of the words in the English Dictionary are American. Remember: Lelouch is British in the original series (sort of).
- Possible Fridge Brilliance in that during an earlier episode, Lelouch and Kallen call them 'Brittanian' rather than 'British', though they have trouble figuring out the pronunciation.
- Lelouch defeating Cornelia:
- Lelouch's recruitment of Diethard in the recut of episode 13:One (to the Black Knights): You all suck and you're useless. Therefore I'm outsourcing some of your jobs to the Britannians. Everyone meet Diethard.Diethard: I have no idea how I got roped into this. But I FUCKING love it!One: Don't worry Diethard. You're a journalist. I'll give you plenty to write about.Diethard: Man, don't worry about it, I can't write.One: How can you not love this guy, huh?Kallen: Well, he's a Britannian for one.One: Shut up, I make good decisions.
One: Now I don't know who's bringing lunch tomorrow, so everyone cover yourself in oil, I'm gonna light this match, and whoever's the last person to burn wins.Kallen: Wins what?One: Being good at burning.
- Lelouch's plan for deciding who brings lunch;
- The opening of episode 14:Shirley: [Distressed Babbling]Villetta: (walking up to her) There you are. You are not allowed to run around here! What the hell is this? (sees One's face) Holy sh**! It's One! We've done it! We're going to b national heroes! It's over! It's finally over! [Loud Laughter]Shirley points her gun at VillettaVilletta:You love him, don't you?Shirley: [Affirmative Babbling]Villetta:F*ck me.Gun:BANGBeat
Lelouch: I'm not upset! I'm not! This country is upset! With absurd prices! 5 dollars for a meal at McDonald's?! I need more meat in my diet! I look around and I see just stupid. Quit complaining about religion, NO ONE CARES! Oompa Loompas are murdering themselves! *Oompa Loompa head smashes into train window* Oh boo hoo, you're gay, you're lesbian, you're straight, MY PENIS DOESN'T WORK!!
- Lelouch's rant on the train:
C.C. rifles through Shirley's pantie drawer.C.C.: You think these would fit me?Lelouch: Suck my ass woman! (Alt. Text: Or in Romanian "Inhale my goat") We've got some clothes to find!C.C.: You can suck my ass.Lelouch: HEY!C.C.: Because I found her diary.Lelouch: Oh yeah? Well look what I fou- NO!Picks up a lavender-colored box that immediately starts buzzing loudly. Alt. Text: It's a dildoThe box continues to buzz even louder than before.Lelouch: IT HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN!!!! Alt. Text: It's black as night.
- When Lelouch and C.C. are looking through Shirley's room for some clue as to her location:
Mao: What do you mean you pooped yourself to death?! *Throw Tamagotchi toy to ground*Lelouch: You think that's bad. Mine died by eating its own babies. That's not FOOD, Tamagotchi! That's just not FOOD!
- Later, when Lelouch is looking for Shirley:
C.C.: Are you mad?
- Lelouch lampshading just how ridiculous C.C.'s outfit is.
Mao: Have you seen a girl with green hair and white clothes?Lelouch: Eh, she stopped with the whole white clothes thing. Now she looks like a cross between a French Maid and a Vietnamese hooker.
- And also:
C.C.: If you give me a ride, then I'll either clean your whole house or have sex with youRandom Guy(in a humorous squeaky voice) : Ha! Sucks for you bitch, my house is really dirty... and I have gonorrhea!
- This is followed by a humorous cut (apparently, C.C. makes the same comparison to her outfit)
Lelouch: Rauhhhahhhh!C.C.: Is that really your response to me saving your life?Lelouch: How long have you been there?C.C.: About two days now.Lelouch: Deny!Lelouch: Deny! Aahahaha! (begins speaking in overly-dramatic voice) Anyway, in my slumber, I did hearedst...C.C.: Really, are you okay?Lelouch: ...A gunshot! Sadly, there is no hope of us finding the victim!(Camera pans downwards to reveal the words "Viletta was here" written in blood.)C.C.: No, yeah, you're right.C.C.: You do realize that Shirley has just become your greatest threat by unmasking you? First, we need to get you to safety. Ohgi has the mobile command base nearby. I think we should get you there, and you should strategise with your officers.(Camera cuts to the bloody message, which has been replaced by a plateful of spaghetti.)Lelouch: Spaghetti?!
- C.C. and Lelouch's conversation after he recovers from his comatose state.
Tamaki: [laughing like The Stoner he is]Diethard: Has anyone seen One?Tamaki: [laughing as he watches an Oompa Loompa dance]Diethard: So it begins.
- This brief bit of insanity:
- Episode 14.5, the crossover with None Piece, is a gold mine of hilarity.
- Lelouch's videophone call with Death the Kid:Lelouch: *holding a brick of C4 with a digital timer* Sending some assholes your way: to the death dimension!Kid: Lelouch, I WILL END YOU!!!Lelouch: Go ahead, try and stop me! I'm CRAZY!Kid: Lelouch!Lelouch: Transmission over! AAAHH-! *headbutts the screen, breaking it*
- Lelouch and Luffy in a helicopter:Luffy: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO FLY THIS THING!?Lelouch: I mean I don't really know how to fly this thing. I can't make it any simpler!Luffy: THEN HOW DID WE GET UP HERE!?*an alarm starts blaring and a red light flashes*Luffy: WHAT DID YOU DO!?Lelouch: Relax, I've got this under control!*the helicopter immediately crashes into the house and explodes*
- Afterwards:Usopp: I just don't think she sees the real me!Lelouch: Yeah, no, that's... whatever. Hey, you didn't happen to see Luffy or the charred remains of a helicopter did 'ja? Because at this point, either would be fine.
- And later:Django: -holding Kaya against a tree- Say goodnight, little lambchop!Zoro: -sprinting in- Hi-ho Silver!Usopp: Zoro, get down, I've got this one!Django: Your passion... it moves me so... therefore... I shall concede to this day... and make... my leave—Kid: GET BENT, ASSCLOWN!
- Lelouch's videophone call with Death the Kid:
- In Episode 15, 2 words: rainbow queef.AAAAAAGGGHHH!
Lelouch: Yeah, hi. Uh, I'm having trouble accessing a copy of something I made. It's not downloading from the disk.Tech-Lady: Do you remember what was on the disk?Lelouch: Uhhhhhh-Flashback to Lelouch handing the disk to a random mecha-pilot as a distraction.Lelouch: This CD contains twelve terabytes of pornography!Flashback endsComputer: Download complete.Lelouch: I'm gonna have to call you back. ACTUALLY WAIT! ... What're you wearin' right now?Tech-Lady: Uhhh, a cardigan.Tech-Lady: Hello?Lelouch: Get off my phone.
- Lelouch wondering what is it with the fucking tiny hats.
- The bizarre airline food conversation.
- The Sloth picture from the flashback montage that's supposed to be C.C.'s portrait as drawn by child!Mao.
- Lelouch on the phone with tech-support:
Milly: So, I, uh, heard you've got twelve terabytes of pornography.Lelouch: Yeah, but it's mostly Todd Phelps and Michael Bay tryin'a run train on Megan Fox.Milly: Eeewwwww...Lelouch: Yeah, I tried scheduling some electro-convulsive therapy, but apparently trying to inadvertently wipe your memory to forget the Hangover 3 IS FROWNED UPON! Thanks ECT, you've failed me yet again.Milly: You should try whatever Shirley did. She's been walkin' around with no recollection of the past two years.Shirley: I LIKE SALAD FORKS!!!
- Which, in turn, leads to this conversation will Milly:
Luffy: AGH! WHY IS THE FLOOR SHOOTING ME?!
- In a scene where Mao goes to purchase a weapon to kill Lelouch and CC:Gun store owner: Maybe they should outlaw chicken penises.
Mao: My target's an immortal witch.Gun store owner: Ah, yes. I remember my ex-wife. I've got a chainsaw in the back.Mao: Hoho! WHOA! Buddy, buddy! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!.... YES!
- The rest of the scene is hilarious as well:
- The voice of the guy who the gun store owner shoots is Luffy, who can also be seen in the corner when Shirley shouts about salad forks.
C.C: Because you are childish and impulsive.Mao: (childishly) No!*gunshot*C.C: Oh, ow.Mao: Oh I'm sorry, I was just trying to shoot the floor next to your feet- Wait, are you being sarcastic?C.C: If they handed out medals on planet stupid, you could be an olympian!-MASS GUNSHOTS-C.C: You done?C.C: You'll never get away with this, Mao. I'm friends with Lelouch too, you know. He's probably mounting a rescue as we speak.Lelouch (still working on the TV): I FRIGGIN PLUGGED IT INTO HDMI!*cut back*C.C: Oh god, I'm gonna die.
- And this:
Lelouch (on the phone): Hey, Ohgi, it's One. How's it goin? Listen is it true dogs have retractable claws, or is that just cats?Ohgi: Uh, sorry, I can't talk.Lelouch: I'm your leader, dammit! What's so important you can't talk to me for!?Ohgi: Uhhh... I found a naked chick in a dumpster!Viletta (naked): I don't remember being naked!Ohgi: Her memory's really fuzzy.Lelouch: Uh, okay. I, uh, I don't know what to say about that.Viletta: Oh my god it's so cold in here my nipples could cut through diamonds!Ohgi: I GOTTA GO! *hangs up*
- LOOK OUT, HE'S GOT A CHAINSAW!
- Ohgi and Viletta:
Suzaku: See, Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. He believed that everyone's televisions should compete for the best picture quality.Lelouch: (to Jeremiah) You believe this?Jeremiah: I stopped listening months ago.Lelouch: We've only been out here for like two minutes.Jeremiah: Yeah, where is 'here' exactly?Lelouch:...I don't know!
- I don't know what the hell is up with the chipmunk voice of whoever's calling Lelouch but I hope that gag never dies
- The bonus videos are also loaded with moments of hilarity. HD Origins has Suzaku talk about the history of televisions. Hilarity Ensues.
Jeremiah: Here's a list of the categories we've won. 'Best Stolen Idea Since Facebook'.Suzaku and Lelouch: HOORAY!Jeremiah: Okay, that award shouldn't have warranted that particular reaction from you two.Lelouch: Hey, I'll take them where I can get them.Jeremiah: Moving on. The 'Burns My Eyeballs Just Watching It' award.Suzaku and Lelouch: YAAAAY!Jeremiah: (as the other two continue to cheer in the background) Well, let it never be said that you two can't be optimistic.
- There's also the video about the trio getting a bunch of fake 'TAC' awards.
"Let me at 'em; I'll f*ck 'em up!"
- Anything Guilford says. It's a mixture of his voice and his determination to kill anybody. He basically sounds like Tyson before a fight.
- This:Nina: "Man I'm hungry. Hey you! Make me a sandwich.Soldier: "You know back in Mother Russia, one sandwich feeds an entire village for 30 days!"Nina: "I'll feed my foot up your ass for 30 days if you don't feed me!"
- Lelouch's insistence that British people aren't real. note Lelouch: Have you ever seen a British person? I haven't, so therefore, they don't exist.C.C.: Just because you haven't met one doesn't mean they don't exist.Lelouch: (mockingly) Oh my god you guys, British people are real, they're walking around everywhere! (normal voice) They're like the Wolfman! They're not real!C.C.: You've gotta be kidding me.Lelouch: Look at the English dictionary! The English dictionary! All the words in there are American!C.C.: You're insane!Lelouch: (knocks her over and straddles her) I LOVE YOU!
One: We're just gonna have to get money the old fashioned American way!Kallen: We're not in America.One: By stealing it from old people!Kallen: We're in Japan.One: TO THE INTERNET!
- Speaking of nationalities:
- The maddeningly deranged Pursuit of Happiness is nothing but this. It's a crossover between Nullmetal Alchemist, Code MENT, Danganronpa Abridged Thing, None Piece, and Soul Whatever, which creates just as much stupidity as you might think. Seriously, it makes the previous crossover sound perfectly sane.Lelouch: Oh no! We're entering plot territory! Everyone brace yourselves!Al: So you mean things might start making sense?C.C.: (Suddenly appears in a puff of smoke) I wouldn't count on that.Suzaku: Hey, I dressed myself today! What's up?
Edward: So, Lelouch...Lelouch: Edward!Edward: What brings you to our neck of the woods, mate?Lelouch: I'm here researching Geass.Edward: Oh, yeah? So what did you learn?Lelouch: That I am amazingly bad at researching Geass. Somehow I've managed to find out ''less'' about my powers. Seriously, watch this! *his Geass eye charges up and fires a purple bolt. It ricochets off Al and hits him in the head* Oh, shit! *collapses*
- Lelouch's attempt to use his Geass:
Kid: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
- Early on, Death the Kid appears out of thin air through sheer hate and rage directed at everyone else.
Kid: ... [Monokuma's] whole goddamn school just kills people! Between you and team dumbmatch over there you've collectively killed my entire social life!Luffy: Wait, what?Kid: Oh, yeah, every time someone dies, I have to do the paperwork. It's kind of like working at the DMV, only slightly less horrifying.Luffy: So, you mean to tell me that we're on the goddamn moon because You're. Upset. WITH YOUR SOCIAL LIFE!?Ishimaru: YOUR SOCIAL LIFE IS NOT WELCOME IN THIS MOON ENVIRONMENT!Zoro: I'M YELLING ALSO!
- Death the Kid's motivation:
- Episode 16: Somehow, Suzaku being smarter than Lelouch.
Lelouch: (on the phone to Suzaku) Hello?Suzaku: Hey, what's up?Lelouch: I need your help. Can you come here?Suzaku: I can't. I'm buying clothes.Lelouch: Alright, well hurry up and come over here.Suzaku: I can't find them.Lelouch: What do you mean you can't find them?Suzaku: I can't find them. There's only soup.Lelouch: What do you mean "there's only soup"?Suzaku: It means there's only soup.Lelouch: Well then get out of the soup aisle!Suzaku: Alright, you don't have to shout at me!(Suzaku moves to the next aisle)Suzaku: There's more soup!Lelouch: What do you mean "there's more soup"?!Suzaku: There's just more soup!Lelouch: Go into the next aisle!Suzaku: (moves to the next aisle) There's still soup!Lelouch: Where are you right now?!Suzaku: I'm at soup!Lelouch: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE "AT SOUP"?!Suzaku: I MEAN I'M AT SOUP!Lelouch: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?!Suzaku: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!Lelouch: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!Suzaku: FUCK YOU!!
- Well, not that much smarter. This leads to one of the most iconic scenes in all of abridging.
Suzaku: (running across the Ashford Academy courtyard) HEY! HEY, LELOUCH! WAIT UP! Whattup, buddy?! How was your weekend?!Lelouch: It was a constant reminder of my failure and shame-Suzaku: Mine was good, too. I googled the term "snuff film" in the school's computer lab.
- Hell, ALL of Lelouch and Suzaku's conversations are hilarious in this episode.
Lelouch: (to Diethard) Don't worry, that bitch tornado is headed your way.C.C.: (walking by) What did you just say?Lelouch: Gotta go! (hangs up) I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't say anything.C.C.: Well, it sounds like you said something.Lelouch: Nnnope! ...You bitch tornado.C.C.: Try not to asphyxiate yourself in a closet this weekend.Lelouch: It was one time and I only came close.C.C.: Oh, you came alright.Lelouch: God I love you.
- Lelouch and C.C.'s conversation at the airport:
Rivalz: Tell me you guys saw it!Lelouch: Saw what?Rivalz: There was a naked lady on the internet!Lelouch: You are so goddamn stupid.Rivalz: NO, this one was famous!Suzaku: For what?Rivalz: For being naked!Lelouch: ...So goddamn stupid.Suzaku: Uh, that's called porn, buddy. It's been there since... forever.Lelouch: Don't try and reason with him, Suzaku. Just ignore him, maybe he'll go away.Rivalz: Listen to me, she was naked! That's what happened! ... Naked! Fame!*beat*Suzaku: He's still here!Lelouch: I can see that, Suzaku! ...k, bye. *runs off*Suzaku: No—dick!Rivalz: Wanna try my motorcycle?Suzaku: KILL YOURSELF!
- Rivalz discovers internet porn:
Nunnally: You better be careful, Mao. My brother's coming for me.Lelouch: (running down a hallway) I HAVE TO FIND NUNNALLY.Nunnally: And when he wants something, he doesn't stop until he gets it.Lelouch: (in bathroom) Nunnally! Are you in here?!Girl in Stall: OH MY GAWD, GO AWAY.Lelouch: (stomps childishly) NO-Mao: Oh, don't worry. All I want to do is play a little game, Nunnally.Nunnally: Well, then prepare to lose, Mao. My brother may be an idiot, but when he puts his mind to it, he can be super-focused and deadly-dedicated.Lelouch: (proceeds to turn on six computers to play different videos all at once, ranging from porn to None Piece to the Exorcist to twerking. It is beyond description.)Nunnally: -beat- I am so fucked, aren't I?Mao: (cheerfully) Yup!
- Poor Nunnally.
Lelouch: Nunnally, Nunnally! Watch me do a somersault! (sees Mao's picture of her tied up with her mouth covered in duct tape on the desk) Grr!
- Hilarious if you recall Nunnally's blindness (like when Lelouch feigned surprise at her blindness in Episode 6):
Suzaku: I'm gonna kick it.Lelouch: That is a terrible idea.Suzaku: Too bad, 'cause I'm doin' it! [runs out into the hallway and towards the turret] YAAAAAAAAAARGH!
- "Alright, I was cool with the Immortal Witch premise, I was cool with the magic, glowy-eye powers, I was cool with Nina humpin' the table, but that? That was fuckin' stupid."
- That is Suzaku running down a hallway dodging dozens of bullets to kick a machine-gun turret.
- Preceding this very moment: Lelouch's lack of a plan to deal with said turret.
Suzaku: No; it'd be against my moral compass.Lelouch: Your fucking moral compass is a roulette wheel!
- Lelouch and Suzaku's entire conversation about the "Damsel in Distress" trope, the sexism and clichéd-ness of which is the reason Suzaku refuses to help save Nunnally. The best part being:
Mao: Whoa, what happened to you?Lelouch: (who now has a black face) I was tryin' to save Nunnally from a bomb!Mao: ...Why was Nunnally near a bomb?Lelouch: Somebody took her and put her in the sewers! And then Suzaku wouldn't kick the bomb, so I just started cutting wires! Then one of the circuit breakers tripped and blew up in my face! I'm not even sure if the pendulum bomb is still activated!Mao: Pendulum bomb?! That was a monitoring system that deployed anti-worm measures! I brought her down there for the end of our scavenger hunt I was gonna play with you later! I was gonna teach you about holding onto your loved ones! It was gonna be a nice little interactive life lesson... why would you assume it was a bomb?! Are you stupid?!Lelouch: FUCK YOU, NIGGA.Mao: Aight, first of all, only I'm allowed to say that! And second of all, I set up this whole day so I could teach you a lesson about keeping your loved ones close, and enjoying yourself. Instead, you almost un-ironically put your sister in more danger than I did!Lelouch: Two things right back 'at cha! One, you're not allowed to say that, you're so Caucasian your hair is white! And TWO, if you're so innocent then why the hell didja tie her up down there?!Mao: A.) Yes I can say that, I'm a black albino! And, B.) I didn't want her to fall out of her chair!Lelouch: YOU'RE A BLACK ALBINO?!Suzaku: BANZAI! (crashes through the window for no reason)
- The absolutely genius exchange between Mao and Lelouch.
- The various random times PurpleEyes himself shows up to scream for no apparent reason.
- The explanation for why there's a motion activated machine gun in the sewers: Apparently the school sends a janitor down there every month before payday. They never realized that firing it costs just as much as actually paying their janitors.