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Mickey Rosenthall's Hip-Hop

  • "But hang on to your babysitters and listen right here, I'm gonna tell you something that'll burn your pizza."
  • "I was born in the back of a car and actually, um, it was horrible."
  • "I was so happy, didn't want to count to potato. Then I hear some whiny people give a shout, 'that joke wasn't very nice.' I shouted out, 'I don't care!'"
  • "When I was 8, I became a brony. Hard luck, Rainbow Dash! Always knew you were a bit gay."
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  • "When I was 10, they made me King of the Jews!" (picture of Rosen's face photoshopped onto Jesus)

Michael Rosen's Adulterous Dad

  • "May shouted out, 'How'd you know I'm a prostitute?'"
  • "May dashed out faster than an electronic raisin."
  • "And my dad says, 'Um, sorry, dear, yeah, sorry. Um, can I diddle Miss Goodall?' Mum said, 'No diddling any other girls!' 'Hmm. Can I diddle George?' And my mum was trying very hard not to look excited. She said 'I think that's really hot, but no, you can't."
  • "In the butt, in the butt, in the big butt!"
  • "If I hear about your dick, my butt, or your dick in my butt, if I hear about any of it once more, I shall cut your fucking dick off and give it to the dog, do you understand?"
  • "And that's when my dad's penis became the dog's dinner."

Michael Rosen's Teacher Supports Apartheid

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  • "We had a teacher who was so strict, black people weren't allowed in her lessons. She used to stand up front going, 'No niggers!' And there was always a whiny kid going, 'Miss? Can I go out and get some purple drank?'"
  • "And there's hamsters, and they're nibbling my penis! *click* Nice."
  • "The Blue Sea is blue."
  • "Raichu. Weedle. Combusken. Knife. Jugs. Michael Rosen. Gaben. Presents. Pheasants. Peasants. The Skyfoogle. elgoofgoogle. Lullullul."

Michael Rosen Falls in Love

  • "You can't stop me, I'm Michael motherfucking Rosen!"
  • "I gave her the Michael Rosen Rape. It was… *click* Wonderful!"
  • "She transformed into a horrifying creature called... (beat) the Moogle." ("Kupo kupo!" Not scary enough, Michael. Try again.) "Okay... the Blood-Drinking-Baby-Eating-Keel-Over-And-Die Foogle! She starts shooting flaming plums out of her snatch."
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  • "She cut my head off with her blade and eats my flesh. You know, people say to me: 'If that's true, then how come you're here to tell the tale?'. Fair enough, and I'll tell you: Magic!

Michael Rosen Is a Horrible Teacher

  • "Yuri." (image of Strawberry Panic!)
  • (three Rosens talking at once) "Would you believe it? I can see that Fan has opened her can of drink." (Okay, I'll stop doing that) "I shouted out, 'No drinking in class, bitch.' And then she started crying, so I threw her out the window, and everything was lovely once again."
  • "Harrybo, you cannot have sex with Donna. Why? Yes, it is because Donna is frigid, but there's another reason, isn't there?"
  • "Joanna sat on Lloyd's preposterous penis and it burst it." AAAAAAARRRRGH!!!
  • "But then Harrybo started being a prick, so I left him in the projects." ("Black people, black people, black people.") "We never saw him again."

The Horrible Hollywood

  • "We went to this café, and my dad wants milk in his butt. 'Oh, uh, could you get me-em teg-get me milk in the butt?' And then my mum says, 'Once you get milk stuck in that bum of yours, you never get orange juice stuck in that bum of yours.'"
  • "And it was vanilla ice cream, chocolate ice cream, peaches, bananas, one apple, 15 raisins, chocolate sauce, special sauce, cherries, fairies, hundreds of slimy little seeds, trifle, jelly, and thick cooking oil!"
  • "Then sus sus suddenly, it appeared on its own, right in the middle of a Training Montage!"
  • "It was a bit rich-hcir-bitch."
  • "My hands went into my mum's snatch. Then I got to the Triforce."

Michael Rosen the Cannibal

  • "I was starving. All I had for breakfast was 1 teacher and 15 two-year-olds."
  • "She said, 'eating people is cruel. Eating people is murder.' And so I said, 'If you don't shush, I'm gonna eat YOU.'"

Michael's Fatal Dinnertime Squabbles

  • "Here's me, and my mom's just given me, a plum. Anna anna and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's my dad. And if there's another thing I can't stand it's plums."
  • "Do you know there's some people in Jamaica who'd give their two-year-old to have sex with my face because they haven't had any sex for a whole week. I'm telling you this because..well, actually, I don't know why. Just eat your plum or they'll be no breathing for a whole week."
  • "Stop that stupid dancing, vagina neck!"

Michael's Jamaican Rampage

  • (I'm pretty much incapable of making a video without NICE.) "ChickenPika couldn't help himself!"
  • "So I got that wonderful ganja. When I got back to the hotel I began to smoke a huge blunt. Bleah! This isn't weed, this is bright green rabbit shit!"
  • "I get my balls out and then I teabag that dead fruit. There's my mum, she's doing the same!" (WHAT)
  • "Someone calls the police, so I take a plum grenade out of my foreskin—" "NOPE!" (Michael, we all know you're Jewish. Tell the story properly, or I'll go get the Skyfoogle.) "Okay. Yay." ("Yay.") "I took it out of my urethra…"

Michael's Undiagnosed Behavioral Disorders

  • "Doughnut."
  • "Who do they think I am? Samus?"
  • "Don't fuck your brother and don't stick spaghetti up his butt."
  • "Bendy bendy bendy—weiner, weiner, weiner!" (images appear of a hot dog, a dachshund, and a Censor Box)

Michael Rosen's Abuse of Power

  • "There's Melanie! She has nice melons! And there they were, two jug things."
  • "You may think I'm horrible, but fuck you with a rolled-up toenail!"
  • Michael getting into a fight with the pooper:
    "Why don't we go to the I Don't Give a Fuck Museum? We can spend all day there looking at all the fucks I don't give."

The Terrfying Harrybo

  • "There was an awful yelling and crying. There was the noise of plums rattling and someone shouting. Suds-suddenly, the man came onto the stage, in front of the curtains. All of his clothes were torn. There was blood on his hamburger and he screamed, 'Queen Julianna is a fat bitch!'"
  • "I read in a book that windmills can't jump. The sky is blue. Michael Rosen can hypnotize people. The Red Sea is brown. And nothing rhymes with Richard."

The Michael Rosen Shish + The Horrible

  • "You may think I'm happy, you may think I'm sappy, you may think I'm pee-pee, Jamaica, but hang onto your little sister and listen right here, I'm gonna give you hot sauce that will burn your mouth."
  • "I popped out faster than an electronic pizza."
  • "When I was one, I ate a soapy dinner. When I was Michael Rosen, I ate a bag of plulp. When I was eight, I became the queen of Hollywood. So that's what I am, that's what I'll be, with an M, with an M, with an M. I'm giving you all the MMM."

The Collected Tales of Rosen

  • "You may think I'm crazy, you may think I'm mad. And you're right! Quite right!"
  • "When I was one, I was DEAD, when I was two, I was still dead. When I was three I started getting head, when I was four I went to bed."
  • "So I got my bag full of useless information, and I murdered my dad and Eileen, and everything was prison once again."
  • "Mr. Strict was the boss. Mr. Goldfish was the fat red prick with his foot on the snatch."
  • "I knew Father Christmas was DEAD!"
  • "When I come in from playing with myself, [my dad] calls me Dope-dope Grandad."
  • In the last segment, he sentence-mixes sentences requested by fans:
    "Tomato 47: Here's me, and I'm still going on about my fucking tomatoes."
    "Go fuck yourself with a carving knife!"
    "I love to make cocaine out of plums and snort them off Harrybo's two-year-old sister's anus."

Michael's Birthday Escape Attempt

  • "Hello! You might think I'm Michael Rosen, but shh. I have to pretend I'm not Michael Rosen. Do you know, people say to me, 'why?' Fair enough, and I'll tell you. It's because I was born on the 7th of May and that's today. And every year, a bunch of teenage boy masturbtors called YouTube Poopers scoop together dollops of shit and push it into a video for me. And then they go, 'Hey, Michael Rosen! Hey, hey, Michael Rosen! Look what we made for you, it's really fan-fucking-fucking-fucking-fucking-tastic-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.' Get the spiders off me! Anyway, I don't like it very much. So I'm not Michael Rosen, I'm Harryboogle, the Scottish plum inspector!"
  • "Then, suddenly, George came in. He said, 'See that bloke over there? Him? He's Michael Rosen.'" (Face Palm) "God fucking damn it, George!"

The Wawaw and Other Tales of Rosenry

  • "My mom and dad gave me pneumonia, and they scream "LOL"!"
  • "One day at a camp, we were playing Don't Tell Your Mother, and I had to get twenty thousand pickles in my butt. (licks his mouth in excitement, and clicks his tongue with a grin. Fade to black, and then-) CHOCOLATE CAKE."
  • "I loved my brother's big book of dirty grandmothers. We'd sit around saying, mmmm, this is nice, this is really nice."
  • "My brother, is on the baby. Why? Because he's supposed to finish his beer before he has sex. He says he wants his pussy now."
  • "Then my dad beats up mom with his penis. Toot."
  • "My brother once told me that Mom wants the D. *click* Nice. He said that if Uncle Chocolate Cake is having a go with Mom, then Uncle Matzah Butt won't join in."
  • "Something Changes. (fade out, then to Michael about to tell a story) Jizz.

Stories About the Grandparents

  • "My mum's gray, slimy mother and dirty, sticky father."
  • "She looks like mum, but very silly. Which we'll all look like one day."

Michael's Summer Camp Experience

  • "Aunt Rosie's super special summer camp for really good boys and girls"
  • "As we pulled out of London, I began breathing very very quietly so I wouldn't wake up the flesh harvesters."
  • "I had hoped that it wouldn't be necessary for me to fiddle-diddle you. Well actually, I had hoped that it would."
  • "Kaboom, kaboom, ka-plums."
  • Bonus: Some reverse sentence-mixing:

Snatch Syrup

  • "Tight snatch, nice. Smell it… Mmm. Smells like a dead goldfish. Finger in, licklicklicklick… tastes like a 48-year-old hamburger!"
  • "I'm very glad you've got rats in your snatch, but what's it gotta do with sliding on the two-year-old?"
  • "I wonder what's for dinner?" "Dinner. Renninner."
  • "I'll have a bag of fantastic plums. I take one, it's all shiny. And when you press it, it goes 'Get off me!' Plums are not allowed to talk. It said, 'I'm Plummybo, the magic plum. And if you spare my life, I shall give you three wishes.' Then I said, 'fuck yes!'"
  • "Tomamot-tomamot-Tomato Two, or how I learned to love sex with a pizza."

The Michael Rosen Rapid Anal Discharge

  • "I think it's really bad news if they put Jews into the oven. That was 71 years ago. Now they're trying to invent an electronic sex partner. *Many tongue clicks and repetitions of "nice" in a big cluster*"
  • "Hypnotizer, Hollywood, a hip hop headache, I'm giving you all the pizza."
  • "Though I have to say, it was dark as PLUMS!"
  • "Nothing to do, didn't want to do my dad."
  • (after a Stupid Statement Dance Mix of Song of Storms of Michael saying "drink") "That was absolute shit."
  • "One push, Mrs. Shush, and he'll be plums, I'm telling you that was a puzzle to me."
  • "Hip-hop, a hip-fhop hap, I'm giving you all ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"
  • "When I was 1, I swam to London airport, when I was 2, I ate semen. When I was 3, I was horribleelbirrorhorribanana. When I was 4, I ate hot food. When I was 5, I was in a band playing sex games. My favorite was rape. This is how we played rape. *cut to black* Get off me! NO! My hands are sticky. *back to Michael* When I was 6, I ate a bag of plumsplumsplumsplumspplumsIhadplumsplumsplumsmums! When I was 7, I robbed a bank with a telephone. When I was 8, I became Prime State. When I was nyan, I clclosed clcall the schoohcs, when i was clc I ate a bag of nice."
  • "I'm giving you all the Michael Rosen dead little girl. *click* MAGIC!"
  • "All, right class, I'm king. I'm drinking, and I want sex, and that includes buttsex."
  • "Let's remind ourselves of a few things, shall we?" "NO!!!!!!"
  • "Do we murder at 9:30 at school? No, we murder at 12:30. But Fans, you've already begun your mad dog stuff."
  • "It's a lump on your head. It's the blade of a PLUM in there."
  • "I was seven." THE END.
  • "It was "write a story". And the best story would be thrown out the window."
  • "I get my face right up into his slippery and sticky, and that's when I see the electronic rabbit."
  • "When I get in, if there's one thing I love, it's breathing. I love the feel of my lungs on the oxygen."
  • "If I hear about your dead parents, I shall give them to the ducks. Psyduck. Golduck."
  • "Without any explanations or questions being asked, just get out a very large penis and stick it up the children. Just fuck up any children."
  • "You create an instant Poop. They choose a poem to present to the rest of the internet. Taking a line or two and making up a SaS. It could be dividing the poem up (picture splits in two and mirrors) into two voices, solo and chorus. Cutting bits out of the--adding in repetitions that are-are-aren't in the orig-ig-ig-inal poem. Turning some of the scenes of the poem into a tableau-uae-eau. Turning the poem into a Poop."
  • "One way that I like to think of this is to think of this, is how can we create snatch that we can use to make children?"
  • "The bed started to eat me. The sky started to eat me. The lemon started to fuck me."
  • "He had a shed with tins full of screw you."
  • "My mum tries to be a lamppost."

The George Inspector

  • "At school, we were doing things. You know the kind of thing, viking transport. Wood-doow-wood. And suddenly, our teacher, Miss Applejack—" (If the comment section devolves into an argument about ponies, I'll personally bitch-slap every single one of you.) "—said there was an inspector coming in."
  • "Meanwhile, I'm trying to kill a fly on Eileen by squashing it with a rolled-up ginger." "Oh no, this is horrible!"
  • "George dashed out faster than Sonic the Hedgehog."
  • "Conversations with a toot. 'Do you want an apple?' 'Pffffft.' 'I don't think it's funny.'"

The Useless Outing

  • "Right, Class 6. I'm Michael Rosen. I think you know me. I'm king of the Vikings. I want complete global domination, and that includes Holland. I want windmills. Windiows-windiows."
  • "Wood you believe it? I can see that Fan has opened her can of plums. Do we have plums? No, we have peaches, so stop with your stupid plum stuff."
  • Michael: I had hoped that—
    Eileen Ogle: My name is Eileen Ogle and I'm living in a box.
    Michael: Eileen?
    Eileen: What?
    Michael: I don't care about your living arrangement. I can't teach properly if you misbehave.
    Eileen: Ha, no one loves you!
    Michael: Um, that wasn't very nice.
    Michael: If you don't stop it, I shall give you ducks.
    Eileen: Great! I want some ducks.
    (beat)
    Michael: Out the window!
    Eileen: Oh no, this is horri—*BOOM*
    She survived because this is a clean video.

Babyfiddle (reupload)

  • "I've got prostate cancer. And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's when doctors fiddle my bum."
  • "This isn't cunt! This is my dad's plums!"

Washing Up the Blood

  • "But then, my dad would say 'mah boi, dinner', and that was that."
  • "There are big advertisments that I read. One says, 'the coat that breathes'. At a quarter to, the flying Scotsman comes through. At ten to five, mum's dead! It's no big deal, we'll get another one tomorrow!"

Solomon the Necrotic Feline

  • "Quite often, we used to have Sunday dinner on Sunday. Mum tells stories about Solomon the dead cat, who gets thrown out of the window." (I use this joke way too much)
  • "Hand on the Bridget."
  • "Don't do that! Don't poop all over the floor."
  • "My brother could speak another language. It's a language that some Jewish pricks speak. It's called Yiddle-Diddle. I don't understand it. So now, my brother, all puffed up, says…" (starts dancing around) (Yiddle-Diddle to English translation: "Clear the fluff out from under your bed, you floppy-testicled miscreant.")
  • "Chocolate Rain."

The Forbidden Plams

  • "Conversations with no one. Sus. That's enough. Do we sus? No we don't!"
  • "My mum says, 'don't you dare eat it. I don't have to put up with you. I'm telling you this: if you eat it, I shall give your Christmas presents to the black people.'"
  • "And I read in a book that the fiercest way to kill someone is with a knife in the back. Well, actually, in the snatch."
  • "After my mum's untimely death, the Vikings turned up 'round our way and said, 'boing boing, goldfish cock' and then they went home. I don't even know!"

The Tyrannical Inspeps

  • "Useless Dad. My dad says, 'eating raisins is cruel, eating raisins is murder. You can't catch me, I'm Speedybo!' And he just fell over and died. Then I stuff him into the fridge, and everything was slimy."
  • "At school, we were doing Miss Goodall, and we stuck wood in her canals. Really good."
  • "There was a sonosison underneath the school hall where they used to string you up faster than an electronic rabbit. (gets strung up upside-down) 'Hey! I've been up here for three weeks! And there's rabbits! And they're nibbling my toes!'"
  • "Look out the window! There's rootnegativesixteen! She's nice-tastic. I'm telling you this: if you don't subscribe to her, I'm going to fiddle your little sister."

The London Slave Auction

  • "There was a man who turned up 'round London once, put up a 10-year-old boy for sale. So this boy said, 'My name is Scheddle and I run really fast!' Dad said, 'Waste of money, he won't survive.' Then I said, 'Shh. If I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.' I put up my hand. 'Yes?' said the man. I said, 'A bag of plums for the boy called Scheddle!' 'Good!', he said. 'Sold to the guy with a vagina under his head!' Anyway, then we went home. So I give Scheddle a bag of stuff and I say, 'Right, Scheddle. You go 'round the shops for hours and you sell these things. Do you understand?' 'No.' 'All I'm asking you to do is peddle, Scheddle!'" (Yes, that was a 40-second setup for a single crappy joke. What 'chu gon do about it?)
  • "There we were, reading "My Friend Has Sex with My Behind Every Time He Gets to the End of a Line (I Think You Know What I Mean), HisosiH Plums".
  • "There was a man who turned up 'round our way once saying that he was going to put on show: a terref creature callllac...the rabbit."

Michael Rosen's Abusive Childhood

  • "Comic Sans because fuck you, that's why"
  • "We sometimes see big bad pirates. They live down behind the dustbin and sing their pirate song: 'yo ho ho and a bag of plums.' So that was that."
  • "The Bible says, 'buy children's shoes now, you slut, because you can't be trusted to do anything.'" (Rosenicus 24:9)
  • "And Uncle Hoh grabs my butt and he screams, 'qui-qui-quick, come and have a look! It's a butt!'"
  • "And he beats me with a dead cat. More and more, and more and more cat goes into my penis."
  • "Someting changes. Jizz—" "Nope!"
  • "When you're born, your folks think you're Candlejack."
  • "Well, later that evening, I was doing some hos. And I had some really hard sus to do."
  • (over a distorted version of "My Heart Will Go On") "Unable to cope with the constant abuse, Michael Rosen took his own life by consuming a bottle of industrial-grade sus. Hundreds of monuments were erected in his honour in Pennsylvania."
  • "As a Canadian citizen, I wholeheartedly apologize for the hell-spawned abomination that is Celine Dion." "Never mind, because you've given the world something rather nice, I think you know what I mean: Rush. Wonderful."
  • "My enemy: Me."
  • "I'm in the middle of a lesson and I'm just dozing off. Suddenly, Mervyn came running in front of the class. All his clothes were bright green, there was goldfish on his face and he screamed, 'Quick, get out, get out of here! The duckfoogle has escaped!'"

Michael Gives Bad Teaching Advice

  • "Teachers sometimes ask me: what's the best way to get laid? First thing to do is to create pleasure, stimulation, feel a penis and stick it up an ass."
  • "Then children in the school get the idea that there are hundreds of prisons out there, and you don't have to just stick potatoes up your butt."
  • "I read in a book that the Red Sea is bright green. Gorillas teach people to love again. Elephants can't fly magic spaceships. And nothing can defeat Ganon." (Gwonam appears) "Actually, it is written—" "No!"
  • "This isn't pee! This is - *blargh* Thith!" (then Michael saying "Fill my mouth with that thick sweet juice!" backwards.)
  • "My name is Fiddle Diddle and my sister is my sister. My name is I Love Snatch and I teach little girls to be really good."

Michael Desecrates the Dead

  • "Chickenpika was born on the 22nd of December and he loves presents. But I don't give him any. No presents. Mind you, no girlfriend either."
  • "My name is HolloH and my sister is a Viking. My name is Michael Rosen. I teach Harrybo's granddad to die. He was a nice man. Well, actually, he was a fucking prick. So now, I go and pee all over his grave."
  • "So then I woke up in a place I don't know. It's a kind of round fishtank and there's no way out. And I suddenly catch Pikachu. *click* Nice. Actually, um, I suddenly catch sight of Harrybo's granddad and Harrybo eating Eileen."
  • The return of Plummybo, the magic plum:
    Plummybo: Hello!
    Michael: Do I still get my three wishes?
    Plummybo: Yes!
    Michael: Really good! I've got the first one.
    Plummybo: Lay it on me.
    Michael: Make this round fishtank disappear, and then kill Harrybo.
    Plummybo: That's two, ya fool.
    Plummybo: Smart-ass!
  • "It was then I noticed the electronic gorilla in the corner of the room. Plumtastic! I press the silverback. The gorilla starts roaring. Then I said, 'right, Mr. Gorilla—'" (Inspiring gorilla music incoming) (How the fuck do poopers like RobGBA manage to do this regularly? It took me nearly half an hour to get this four second piece of shit right) "'You go kill Harrybo's grand-diddle.' The gorilla shoves the door really hard and really fast. And it bangs againandagainandagainandagain until Harrybo's grandfather looked like a great big slimy mush."

Barbers, Woodmills, and Sticky Christmas Presents

  • "A boy said, 'I'm really glad my dad called me Gary Cockter'. I said, 'Why is that?' He said, 'Because all the kids at school kick me in the nuts.'"
  • "Right, you prick, this is a long finger!"
  • "It was Christmas Eve. I came down the chimney. I gave my mum and dad cum out of a sack. But it wasn't any kind of sack, it was a ball sack."
  • "He had a great big hairy bum. His eyes had a mustache." (Those are known as "eyebrows", Michael.)
  • "A rich boy came to school and said...I can circumcise penises."
  • "So he said 'yay'." ("Louder.")
  • "Faster than an electronic rabbi."
  • "You can turn the trout and make the two-year-old blow you."

Michael of the Valley of the Windmills

  • "You may think I'm crayfish."
  • "But hang onto your seagull and listen right here, I'm gonna tell you something that'll burn your house down. Hip hip hooray!"
  • "We had a teacher who was so strict you weren't allowed to fix a toilet in her lessons. She-used-to-stand-up-the-front-going, 'No plumbing!' And you had the whiny kid up front going 'Mem!' And you had the shiny kid going 'Meh,' and you had the tiny kid going 'Meh meh meh', and you had the waw going 'Nice.'"
  • "He was made of bright green plastic to-mah-toes. Actually, bright green plastic to-may-toes."
  • "There's an old shop in Issilziniga called Tomato and Breadle."

Marmalade Disappears into The Great Portuguese Crevice

  • "I'm not dead, I'm just working on something rather nice. Here is a piece of shit in the meantime."
  • "Slaves pleasure my very refreshing Portuguese butt."
  • "It was originally, and indeed in Portugal today still is, a kinda thick penis that really sort of whacks you off in the morning. And also the butt of a number of jokes about um, different types of pleasure."
  • "Marmalade is made from the HoH SiS, which in turn comes from cs188."
  • "The word is snatch, and it's spelled V-A-G-I-N-A, and usually with cock jizz jizz jizz jizz, lemons, and anal sex."

Such a Sad, Sad Place

  • "I think it's bad news they don't put papal dispensation in our school loos. If you need a divorce, tough shit."
  • "I gave my gay dad all kinds of crispy bacon."
  • "I read in a book that giraffes is blue. Does it?"
  • "Fuck Christmas."

The Great Big Windmill Conspiracy

  • "The Michael Rosen fucking horrible prison buttsex, or how I learned to stop fucking around and start working on the shit I promised I would work on, or… (big breath) Michael plays Katawa Shoujo 2."
  • "Well, actually, I cannot find a way to get video footage from the game, so I'm gonna do the best little girl —" (color bars) "No! The best I can, and off we go!"
  • "So then I woke up in the hospital. Shit. Doctor shouted, 'Good Lord, he survived!' I have to say, that wasn't very reassuring. Doctor shouted, 'Be like Jack! Be smart! Go to hell!'" "No!" (Yes, I realize I'm milking the fuck out of the whole "subversion of expectations" thing) "'Go to a school for special kids.' Then I said, 'First of all, no need to shout, prick. Second of all, who the fuck is Jack?'"
  • "She said 'sorry' but showed me her sna—" "Nope!" "—her shed with bottles full of lemon stuff. But the door was jammed so I had to go in the back. Anddna anddna and everything was tighter than an 11-year-old. After the trip to Chocolate Island was over, everyone came. Well actually, no one orgasmed at all. Sus."
  • "Oh no, the moment I dread when that bitch stabs me in the back. (beat) Maybe it's because that's what I did to her with my penis."

Of Raps and Rosens

  • "You may think my mom's really good at sucking penis, you may think I spend all my money visiting teenage prostitutes, you may think my dad wants windmills stuck in his butt, you may think I've got plums in my eyes, but hang onto your sis sis sis and listen really well, I'm gonna give you toenail clippers that'll clip your toenails!"
  • "I was born on the 77th of April, I dismember furries."
  • "So that's what Eileen is, with a B, with an I, with a T, with a C, with an H."

Ashens Reviews Some Shish

  • The opening:
    Stuart Ashen: This week, a change to our advertised programming. Yes, um, ChickenPika had a Rosen video lined up, but he killed somebody and sliced their corpse up. What?
  • "21% of your daily recommended dose of degenerated vomit, 44% of your daily recommended dose of shit, 28% of faaf, 30% of sauce, and 49% of the adult guideline daily amount of potassium sorbate. It's time to masturbate."
  • (An unspecified amount of masturbation later…)
    Ashen: I'm back. Some time has passed. Yeah, that really was nice. I can only say it's weird. When it goes in your mouth, you taste it, and you get…
    Michael Rosen: Ugh, don't do that. Don't eat your cum!
  • "See, the joke here is that, by not including any visuals, your brain interprets what he's saying as unpleasant or sexual despite the fact that he's talking about getting old ketchup out of a bottle, thus allowing me to let your brain do all the work of making things funny because I'm a lazy fuck like that and have a massively inflated perception of your ability to read things quickly."

May the Prostitute

  • "Her husband was black and he could-dluoc eh dna-and he could steal stuff with both hands. Black-tastic! One time, he turned up around our way and he said, 'Where da fuck be dat money?' I dunno, don't worry about it. 'Bitch, I'm gonna worry about it. If I don't be gettin' dat money, I cannot be gettin' dat crack."
  • "I told my brother I wouldn't put a twig in his butt. He was an idiot to have believed me."
  • "Whenever we sang in school, ♪there is a green hill♪—" (Sonic the Hedgehog's Green Hill Zone music starts playing)

Michael Harvests Plum Sauce

  • (after a YTPMV) "That program's called the Michael Rosen Beatbox."
  • Near the end, he sentence-mixes the beginning of Michael's "Chocolate Cake" poem before another Michael stops him and says, "Oi, cut that out!"

Shashens Drinks Naughty Animal Jelly

  • "How about you fuck off? That's the noise ponies make."
  • Ashen: Why can't two elephants go swimming?
    Michael Rosen: Fair enough, and I'll tell you. It's because elephants can't swim.
  • "Mmm, let's sip." *click* "That's... ooh. Oh, dear, not my sort of thing. Oh, really not. Oh, I might have some more. Why the FUCK am I still drinking this? Jesus!"
  • "I love my pharaoh!"
  • "Anyway, Superman boomerang, absolutely fucking unicorns, because yes, I'm gonna burn the little fucker."
  • "I was not expecting to open a tin and then basically find—" (cut to Rosen) "—screws in it."
  • "Make it go away—make it go awaymake it go awaymake it go away"
  • "Why the drink am I still FUCKing this? JeeJ!"

Dead Poor People

  • "My dad says after the war was over, everyone came inside the fucking snatch. There weren't gonna be anymore windmills."
  • "If that's true, how come your cum is slippery and sticky? Fair enone riaF."
  • "Now they're trying to invent spaceships that drop celery."
  • "It's the blade of a nice."

Michael Can't Get a Moment's Peace Round Here (69th Birthday Collab)

  • "I became the MILF inspector. So off went my tongue, around Miss Goodall's jug things."
  • "Stop fucking with the doorbell!"
  • "Plum-don Airport. Once my brother ran and ran and jumped off a bridge. Wonderful. And then we went to the funeral home. Mom said, 'did you have a wonderful life?'"
  • "Fast foogle."
  • "[tongue click] Windmills."

The Michael Rosen Rapid Snatch Expansion (15k Sub Special)

  • "My dad had a bendy penis. Two minutes go by. 'Dad?' 'Yes?' 'Your dick's a little bit wobbly.' 'Wobbly?' he said. 'Wobbly? How do you mean, wobbly?'"
  • "Hand on the bitch. Hand on the fridge, feel the rhythm of the food. Hand on the windmills, feel the rhythm of the rain. Hand on your throat, feel the old wrinkled— hI eVeRyBoDy! AnYtHiNg HaPpEn ToDaY? Hand on your bag, feel the plulp! Hand in the sea, feel the rhythm of the dirty soapy water. Hand on your heart, feel the rhythm in sus sus. Hand on your girlfriend's belly, feel the rhythm of the BABY! What am I gonna do? Hand on the woman in the sweetie kiosk, feel the rhythm of the sexual harassment lawsuit."
  • "In the Jura mountains, it rained pickles."
  • "And I didn't put her hand up my snatch in case I said 'nice.' But she said, 'You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a windmill.'" (I really doubt I'm the first person to have made that joke.)
  • "That's when I watch The Sky Little Girls...well, actually The Sea Little Girls"
  • The entire "Ezekiel 25:17" part.
  • "Like my Facebook page or else you—" "Sorryrros!"
  • "You can see all his peas and tomato two. You can see his penis. Toot sis."
  • "Then mom said, 'Anyone want any afters?' And we looked to see what there was. There was apple snatch. Don't like that." ("Snuffling with my nose, like a hamster.") "There was Jack." ("Octagon!") "I mean, there was Jammybo. Don't like that. And there was ISIS. Don't like that. And then we went home."
  • "You may think windmills have no penises, but look right here."
  • "You may think I'm the uselessfoogle, but hang onto your ear, I'm gonna burn your brother."
  • "[My brother] hated me because I was a wooden goat."
  • "Everything was fan—" (Conversation Cut to Stuart Ashen) "—tastic! Yeah, sort of a clash of the YouTube Poop sources here."
  • Michael Rosen: Deep Dicking. I think it's really bad news they don't put marmalade in our vindaloos.
    Mark Sabine: Well, do why I whistle when I speak?
  • "I want to pee in the marmalade."
  • "Puzzle two-year-old. He was so tempted, he couldn't help himself. So he fucked himself." (Pope!) "So he fucked Queen Julianna, and ran and ran and ran and ran and jumped out the windmill. First of all, he tries hiding in the canals. It's no good, he can't. The security guard caught him. The next day, we all turned up to see the trials. Two judge things. They were both fantastic. They say, 'Why did you fuck Queen Julianna? Everyone knows Queen Julianna is a fat banana.' So he said, 'I guess you could say I found her a-peel-ing." YEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!!
  • GUESS WHAT I CAN KIND OF DO NOW (Stupid Statement Dance Mix of "U.N. Owen was her?") "Stop it!" LOL NO (Stupid Statement Dance Mix continues) "That's enough! I'm very glad you can make basic YTPMV, but what's it got to do with anything in all her life?"
  • "Useless geological formation."
  • "The hypno-tight snatch."
  • "The coolness, and the wetness, and the pe-ness."
  • The caption "Michael Rosen: Tips for reading bedtime stories" changing to "Tips for making lots of masturbatory hand gestures" for a few frames.

The Sociology Project and Associated Filler

  • "There we were, reading Tumblr. And we were all absolutely furious all the time. And we kept talking about video games. Oh no, I'm so triggered!"
  • "Hot teacher, who used to strip right in front of everyone in class. Hmm!"
  • "Spots in my Eileen. My name is Eileen Oh-shit and I runnur. My name is Eileen Over and my snatch is full of oil! Thick wood in my cooch!"

Slippery and Sticky

  • "A girl said, 'I wrote myself a suicide note.' So I said, 'What did I do to make you think I give a shit?'"
  • "But best was May's breasts when she came. *click* Ni-i-i-ice."
  • "We played hot games. My favorite was Slippery and Sticky. This is how we played Slippery and Sticky. We tipped the cooking oil out of the jug in the fridge (I wonder who put that in there?) Do we go sliding on the shiny floors? Yes. Really good."
  • "Later that day, George said 'sometimes my mum doesn't shave her snans and my granddad's tongue is all prickly. The new teacher just fell over and died! Hah! Cocks with a TWO YEAR OLD."
  • "Do you want an apple? I want an apple and fifteen-year-old girls. Finger in, lick it, tastes nice. Oh, this is good, this is penis! So now I get some clicking sounds and put a few grains on the flesh, so with my neck, a tasty feels under my tongue. I get a piece of br-ead. I rush rush downstairs front room, and there it was. Pro-ject. We had a tea-time. And we're sitting at the ta-ble in all her life-efil reh horny."
  • "I became the milk and sugar tyrant. I had to be the milk and sugar dictator."

Cool Guy and Black Guy

  • "The king came to school and said, 'mah boi, this dinner is really good.'"
  • "And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's Toronto."

The Babyslitter

  • "That's when my knife begins killing things."
  • "It's a head on the wall with a rolled-up and down. He spits on the floor of the sus museum. Pre-sus-ly nothing."

Michael's Dad Washes his Grandmothers

  • "String beans in my ass. I dunNO!"
  • "We had a teacher who was black- erm, i mean who was very dark, and she hated cheese. She used to stand out the window going, 'No brie!' And you had the homosexual kid going 'Miss, can I go out and do some tight man butt? I have to do it!'"
  • "I want to tell you about a favorite food- well actually, my favorite food in the world; plums. When I come home, I rush to the fridge and I drink Plum Wonderful." (drinks a bottle of Pom Wonderful with the "Pom" replaced with "Plam") "And everything was plum-derful. No-one cares!"

The Car Tripnotizer

  • "I think it's really bad news they don't put PayPal in our school loos. If you need a blow from Eileen, you have to have change."
  • "I've been sent a care package! You know, one of those boxes full of alien penises."
  • "I've got eyes. If you see me staring, that's why."
  • "Presence. I'm here."
  • (AHABHBCHBUHGH) "I done saw a funny noise."

Shashens Chokes on Patriotic Canadian Sus

  • Michael singing Ashens' opening theme.
  • "What a noice."
  • "Buy or go and get your partner's favorite candy and give it to her/him as a gift. Warning: this constitutes an offense in Scotland."
  • "Before your partner goes to bed, he may have an aneurysm and die. That would probably quite please people, although confuse them."
  • "A patriotic Canadian sus."

Shashens Cleaves the Earth in Twain

  • "Oh goody, it's a nun."
  • "Anyway, I shall leave you with this British pub classic trick: if you've got a pint and you don't really want it, stick it up your bum and then offer the pint to the barman and say: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"

Presents in My Ass

  • "I've got big black dicks in my bum. At the end of the week, I got syphillis."
  • "We had a teacher who was so fascist, you had to be poor people in her lessons."

Big Toenails Takes His Trousers Down

  • "My best friend Mart said that we could take rucksacks and rucksacks and rough sex..."
  • "The Gogoat."

Mum Reads the Gas Meter

  • "Mum reads the gas meter, part twenty-thousand and three quarters."
  • "And I broke a tuigoffitt."
  • "Solomon the SoS... no, I better not, actually."
  • "And Bubbe tells stories that go on for OW!-urs about people she knows who are dead. And at the end of the story, it always seems as if she's been cheating on Zeyde with a man who read the Bible."
  • "It was then I noticed the woman in the window. She was sexy. Nice. The red light's on. NICE. I put up my hand. 'Yes?' said the whore. 'Queen Julianna is a fat banana!' I mean, 'Suck my fat banana.' Sheesh. She looked horrified. 'I'm just washing the window!'"

Mum Sits Where She Shouldn't

  • "Mum sits on my big dick. Whoever came went away with a JoJ."
  • "CHEESE-cake."
  • "In the morning, my dad goes to the bathroom to hang himself." (color bars) "...my dad goes to the bathroom to masturbate to tentacle hentai. Don't do, don't do, don't do that! Don't pull yourself. Don't cum on the baby! And don't stick fish up his butt!"
  • "I got a letter from a girl in America. She said she had won a Christian science competition judged by the Pope. She'd won with a poem that went, 'Down behind the dustbin, I met a dead man called Jesus. He's fucking hot bitches!'"

Spotty Windows

  • "Welcome to my first Minecraft Let's Play!" "I mean, I'm back. There weren't gonna be anymore copyright strikes from Rosen's channels. Maybe he was mad about all the sus jokes. Fair enough I suppose. Or maybe it was pl—" (color bars)

The Noice

The Going Far Far Away Special

  • "You'll be pleased to hear I held this in my piss stream for the full 10 seconds and I'm pregnant.
  • "This is the original chocolate machine money box, or as they call it in France, Le Penises, or as they call it in the Netherlands, Le Windmills." "Nice."
  • "Boos!" (several Boos appear onscreen)
  • "Let's look at some boobies!" (beat) "Boo! This drink is called fucking poison. Right, I'll have a sus." "StOp RiGhT ThErE! You can't sus!"
  • "Conversations with a prick. 'Do you want an apple?' 'No!' 'What do you want then?' '203 magic spaceships that drop gold plums!' 'How about a knife in your head?' 'I'll take the apple.' 'Oh yeah, I bet you will.'"
  • "I was at Sandwiches the iron mongers, and there they were: two hot girls. *click click click click* N— No, I better not, actually. Two things. They were things. They were both made of gay plums. I mean, made of plastic. One was a milk jug and it had bright green milk. Lift the jug and drink a bit. Oh, this is... blech! Absolutely not very nice! So I bought nothing, I gave nothing to my mum and dad for ChrirhC."
  • "Did somebody say ChrirhC? I imagine they did, because as a society, it's one of our favorite things to shove down our gobs to make ourselves recuperate faster from Dementor attacks."


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