Per wiki policy, Spoilers Off applies here and all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned.
Borderlands 2 is a Black Comedy that is absolutely hilarious. You should focus on that, to avoid the horror and trauma of the game.
For an index of funny moments in the franchise, click here.
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- The reason Axton became a Vault Hunter in the first place.Sarah, Axton's Wife: You used the dignitary you were assigned with guarding as bait to draw in the enemy forces, then blew up the building with the dignitary still inside.
Axton: Yeah, which was awesome! ...You can't pretend that wasn't awesome!
- Some of Axton's quotes:(idling) "Leave the military! Go to Pandora! Stare at stuff..."
"This... This is nice. Who wants to go kill stuff anyway? Me. I do."
(land a critical) "See ya... Bitch."
"Cool Story Bro."
"YOU GET A BULLET! AND YOU GET A BULLET! EVERYBODY GETS A BULLET!"
(when deploying his Sabre Turret) "Hey, stand in front of this!"
(falsetto voice) "Oh soldier you're so great!" (normal voice) "Ladies, ladies, c'mon; I'm not that cool."
- According to one of Axton's posts on twitter he once had his beloved turret magnetically stuck in his metallic-tattoos-thingies on his head.Axton: It was unpleasant-ish.
- You might not be able to play as Tiny Tina, but Gaige is the next best thing:Oh I am gonna slap the bitch outta you!
Meedly-meedly-mowwww...I know, I'm so bad at this.
- She also comes close to being a female Mister Torgue:
- Gaige while tripping on her Power High from over 150 Anarchy stacks.I don't remember what accuracy even means!
I am the god of damage!!
I think my reload button is broken!!
Why am I still doing this?!!
You're gonna be so sorry if I could actually hit you!
(cheerfully) I WILL NEVER HIT ANYTHING!
- If you've summoned Deathtrap during the final battle, assuming he survives, he can be seen during the final cutscene, killing Rakk with his laser face. With Upshot Robot, he can do this indefinitely.
- Most of Gaige's echocasting is hilarious. Between her dwindling subscriber count suddenly skyrocketing to over 20,000, and her dad constantly walking in on her, it makes you wonder how this child became a Vault Hunter.
- Keep in mind that she got 20,000 subscribers after she caused her long time rival, Marcie Hollway, to explode.
- The hilarious bug that steps in once your Anarchy gets too high. With the Slayer of Terramorphous mod, you can get up to 600 stacks of Anarchy (-1050% acccuracy), which, with a low-accuracy weapon, causes your bullets to actually break physics in order to meet the accuracy standards (i.e. none). For example, you can point a Torgue Ravager shotgun at a cliff face that takes up most of the screen, and none of the pellets will hit it. The weapon's original shot cone will be the place the least bullets go. It's hilarious to watch, especially in a confined area, where Close Enough will cause them to disintegrate everything nearby anyway.
- One of Krieg's revival quotes.Good Krieg: Say thank you.
Krieg: NIPPLE SALAD!
Good Krieg: ...Close enough.
- Another one:Krieg: IAMUNUSEDTOTHEEMOTIONSIAMCURRENTLYFEELING!
- Not to mention his revivals...Krieg: You don't die today! YOU DIE EVERY DAY!
Krieg: I will murder your death!
Krieg: (in an extremely creepy tone) Looove youu...
Krieg: (using Redeem The Soul) I WILL MURDER YOUR DEATH!
Krieg: (triggering Light The Fuse) EXPLOSIONS OF LIFE!
- All of Krieg's skins and heads are named in all caps with crazy and often hilarious names he probably came up with himself. This even applies to the brand loyalty skins that have the same names for everyone else. For instance, his version of "Tediore Customer Service" is called "LET ME SERVICE YOU".
- Other gems include "I'M NOT REVOLTING" for Vladof Revolution and "LEG STRIPE YEEEAH" for Hyperion Honor. Also, "WHO SAID OCTOPUS" for Torque High Octane.
- Jakobs Old-Fashioned: "MY LEFT BOOB SAYS "OBS", referring to the Jakobs logo he gets tattooed across his chest.
- In "A Meat Bicycle Built for Two", a stoic man in red armor stares up at a hanged corpse as an internal monologue states matter of factly that he didn't know him, or if he deserved that fate. As the armored man seemingly ignores a startlingly buff Psycho who scrambles out into the streets and drops his axe, the monologue goes on to say he wishes he could tell him to run away so he doesn't have to hurt him. It is then that we learn that the monologue does not belong to the armored man, as it then says that the only words that come out are...Krieg: I HAVE THE SHINIEST MEAT BICYCLE!
- Krieg's first contact with Maya involves him becoming totally smitten with her, and this exchange with himself:Good Krieg: She's a Vault Hunter. A Siren warrior who can kill me with her brain. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Tell her she's as beautiful as a thousand sunsets. Tell her you need her help, tell her to rescue you and care for you, and whatever you do, do not scream the word "poop" at the top of your lungs!
Krieg: (Flipping the Bird and waving his buzz axe around) I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!
Maya: (Beat) (Shoots at him)
Good Krieg: It's over, idiot. You're gonna die here and now, and your last words will have been "poop train".
- Even funnier is Maya's sheer "WTF?" reaction to that line.
- The same video gives us this gem later on:Krieg: (approaching a Rat) I'M GONNA PUT MY PAIN INTO YOUR SOUL!
Rat: (whimpers, trembles, and passes out; Krieg promptly ignores him)
- And of course, Krieg being a psycho, his dialogue is chock full of hidden gems.Krieg: Pitiful people prepare, plead plentifully plentiful platitude phenomenal patriot pounds, poundingly perverse puppets; pulping, pleasantly, putrid pasties.
Krieg: You loud sacks of filth and sour cream can hit me with your pain pinatas all day, but you'll never take the jellied fantasies of my wasted youth! My stomach is clear and my mind is full of bacon!
Krieg: Nothing makes me stronger than a sucking chest wound!
Krieg: I LOOKED INTO THE HEART OF DARKNESS, AND I ATE IT ALL!!!
- Krieg running into things in a vehicle.Krieg: BEEP BEEP!
Krieg: Thank you for riding the Psycho Express, Tooh-tooh! All aboard, I'll be collecting your tickets, we have beverages in the DINING CAR!!!
Krieg: INSURANCE FRAUD!
Krieg: BAD SONG FROM A HORRIBLE AWARD-WINNING MOVIE!
- In a brilliant reference to Maya's vehicle seat switching quotes.Krieg: I stickied up the seat for ya!
- Sometimes, Krieg will start repeating "Why aren't my fingers in someone's eye sockets right now?" A pretty normal line for Psycho Krieg, but he doesn't start it; Good Krieg does, seemingly expecting the outer Krieg to be goring somebody at that moment.
- The origins of his fireballs from Raving Retribution? Volleyballs with a fire special effect mesh applied.
- One of Maya's lines when she's switching seats in a vehicle:The seat is sticky. Why is the seat sticky!?
- Maya's comments when she loses a duel.Well played. Bitch.
- Her first Echo Log details her public reveal to the people of Athenas. It was rather awkward for her.Brother Sophis: SPEAK MAYA. SPEAK TO YOUR SUBJECTS.
Maya: [Beat] Uhhh... hi.
- Also Maya talking under her breath and quite possibly grinding her teeth when Sophis keeps calling her "child".
Maya: Ah to hell with it. (Phaselocks Sophis.)
- As serious as her third echo log is, what with Brother Sophis bringing "sinners" for her to execute and all, what Maya says when she decides to turn on him is worth a chuckle for how casual she sounds.
- In what's also a serious moment in the fourth one, one of the cultists does a Verbal Backspace on calling Maya "child" right after she shot Sophis dead for it.
- Salvador's reason to become a vault hunter:Salvador: They were bandits! They tried to kill mi abuela!Judge: Yes, yes, yes - you have attempted to convince your fellow villagers of this many times. Anything ELSE to say regarding the murder of these men?Salvador: Uhh... it was fun?Judge: Come again? Killing those men was fun?Salvador: Killing bad guys is *always* fun!
- Salvador has a few funny things to say while Gunzerking, but one of them is simply, "ONE-LINERRRRRR!"
- "AHAHAHAHAH! TIME TO OVERRRRRCOMPENSAAAAAAAATTTTTTTE!"
- "SCREW YOU FREEEEEEEEEUUUUUUD!"
- "B IS FOR BULLET! ...BITCH!"
- He tends to randomly hum "In the Hall of the Mountain King" at times.
- Shorty's got a few good lines for running people over in a car, or crashing into another player's car.
- "HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT PANCAKE BOY!?"
- (Distressed) "MY INSURANCE PREMIUM!"
- Zer0 is absolutely hilarious with his haikus.Zer0: (after scoring a critical hit and killing an enemy) Assassinated. / What a satisfying word. / With five syllables!
Zer0: (on fire) I feel the burning/ Eating through my equipment/ Must stop, drop, and roll.
Zer0: (idling) Bore-ed, bore-ed, bored, / bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. / I am really bored.
Zer0: (finding a rare weapon) Maybe I'll use you / To blow a midget's head off. / Or maybe I won't
Zer0: (critical kill) Sorry, did that hurt? / That "sorry" was sarcasm / I am not sorry.
Zer0: (running over an enemy) This is the story / All about how my life got / Flipped, turned upside-down.Zer0: (issuing a duel challenge) Oh, what?! Yeah, what, bitch? / Yeah, I just slapped you and stuff. / What you gonna do?
- Jack is already annoyed with Zer0's mysterious gimmick in the first few seconds he's given a briefing on him.Handsome Jack: NO no no no! Next! I hate those mysterious warrior types! Nine times out of ten, there's nothing actually special about them. What else you got?
Zer0: Leaves falling from trees /Snow drifting onto the ground / Life leaving your corpse
- Then Jack actually sees the surveillance of him going to town on a mock:
Handsome Jack: ...Did that guy just speak in Haiku?
Handsome Jack: What is this Zer0 guy doing on Pandora in the first place?
- The second Echo Log detailing Zer0's backstory give us this:
Angel: [Mumbling] I 'unno.
Handsome Jack: Angel, you've got a brain the size of a planet, so don't give me [Mockingly mumbling] "I 'unno".
Angel: From what footage we have of him, I can't even tell if Zer0's human or not.
Handsome Jack: Wh-wh-what do you mean, "not human"? Is he a robot, an alien, what?!
Angel: [Mumbling] I 'unno.
- Third Echo: Zer0 considers shutting up some loudmouth a "challenge". So he cuts the guys' head off.
- Take a close look at the Wanted Posters. All of them have serial numbers. Zer0's is just... an extensive string of 0s.
- If you look at Lilith's surveillance screens inside the Lair of the Firehawk after rescuing her, you will see a Blue Screen Of Death. It says:"So... hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your computer is pretty hacked. Maybe if you'd downloaded less of that illegal Truxican porn, your machine wouldn't be all jacked up. You should probably be embarrassed. If this is the first time you're seeing this, that's only because no one else has caught you yet. Tell you what's gonna happen here... you're gonna put a new graphics card in me and scrap that gunk off my keyboard, and then maybe your search history won't accidentally be mailed to your grandma - you pickin' up what I'm laying down?"
- Lilith's reunion with Roland:Lilith: So how'd those bandits nab you?
Roland: Uh... I was taking a leak and one of them knocked me out.
Lilith: Wow. You're a dumbass.
Roland: Uh... I, uh... Yeah. Total dumbass.
- This:Lilith: If you get killed, I'm going to be really pissed!
Lilith: If you live, I'm tearing those clothes right off your body.
Roland: Also... also noted.
Mordecai: Eughh! - Lilith, we're standing right here! Nobody wants to hear that!
Brick: Go on...
- A sentence said by Brick:Brick: Now that you've got the laxative, it's time to find some explosives. (pause) That may be my favorite sentence I've ever said!
- Brick again:"Hey Slab! By jumping off the east side of the Bird's Nest if you want to get to the fast travel station in the quickest and badass possible"
- And when you do it...SLAB! Did-you-Did you just JUMP OFF THE BUZZARD'S NEST!? (Beat) GODDAMN YOU MAKE ME PROUD!
- And when you do it...
- Brick giving you a heads up for if you ever go back to Thousand Cuts:"I'll meet you back at Sanctuary. Oh, and just see you know? My slabs'll probably still try to kill ya... 'cause they're friggin' idiots. Don't feel too bad about killin' them. I never do."
- Brick tells Mordecai a story!Brick: Hey, Mordecai, I got a story I wanna tell you. This one time, I punched a guy!
Mordecai: (Beat) Was that the entire stor-
- Brick again:
- Brick and Mordecai discussing tactics:Brick: Explain it to me again.
Mordecai: [sigh] Like I said, instead of punching, I prefer to keep my distance from my target, pick my moment, then kill them with a single, well-placed shot.
Brick: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You lost me at "instead of punching".
- After killing Handsome Jack and the Vault key revealing new Vaults, you can go back to Sanctuary and hear the old Vault Hunters talking.Mordecai: So what are we gonna do now? Go after the new Vaults?
Lilith: You can't just call dibs on hunting hundreds of Vaults.
Brick: Says you.
- Butt Stallion says hello.
- One of Handsome Jack's random anecdotes:"City's burning, people are dying left and right, yada yada yada. This jackhole rushes me with a spoon. A FRICKIN' SPOON! And I'm dying laughing, right? So I scoop his stupid little eyeballs out with it and his kids are all like WAAHHHH! And he's runnin' into stuff and... hahaha! And, oh... I don't know, maybe you had to be there. Anyway, the moral is you're a total bitch."
- This is later referenced by someone in Sanctuary, who occasionally says:"What's the raddest piece of loot you ever found? Mine's a spoon I pulled out of my dad's eye after Jack killed him with it."
- This is later referenced by someone in Sanctuary, who occasionally says:
- Handsome Jack alleviates his workers' concerns over ecological damage.Jack: Do you know what they called this place? The Badlands. It was a dry dusty pisshole where dreams came to die. Now there's pipes (beat) full of beautiful eridium, high-tech machinery — god-damn volcanoes! Who doesn't love volcanoes? I mean, they're mountains that shoot fire! That is literally the definition of the word awesome, am I right?
- Also, after Jack has Bloodwing killed:"Oh, where the hell is — (searching) I had a violin somewhere, I was gonna play it all sarcastically... Goddamnit, it was gonna be awesome. BLAKE! Where's a bloody violin?!"
"Alright, sweet! Sweet! Found it! Alright, here's a song for Mordecai's stupid bird. In E." (plays violin badly) "Okay, screw you, it woulda been hilarious if I'd found it earlier! Shut up!"
- Also, when he assigns the Vault Hunter a mission called "Kill Yourself". (spoilers)
- If, on the rare occasion, you find yourself fighting say 2-3 bandits, throw a grenade near them while they are in cover and you have this gem:Hey! Is that a grenade?
- Throwing one at a Goliath may result in this:A present?
- Goliaths will also sometimes misunderstand the purpose of Axton dropping his turret.(helpfully) Sir! You drop gun!
- Raging Goliaths, on the other hand...
- Throwing one at a Goliath may result in this:
- Tagging a bandit with a Sticky Grenade:Bandit: Aw, crap.Nomad: Oh godDAMN it.
- Many of the things that the Bandits in general say are completely ridiculous."WELCOME TO DIE!"
"Pluto is not a planet!"
"I SMELL DELICIOUS!" - Rat burning to death
"I regret nothing!" "I regret everything!" - Various dying bandits
"YOLO!" - Suicide Psycho
"I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE!"
"LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M STARING AT YOU!"
"I wonder, if I plant you in the ground, will you grow taller?"
"I'm gonna make hammocks out of your eyelids!"
"My momma's gonna be so mad!"
"Yer gonna be my new Meat Bicycle!"
(sobbing) "Midge make no final words!"
"The meat puppets flock to the slaughter, like children to an ice cream truck!"
(after you kill one of his buddies) "WHATSYOURNAME! NOOOOOOO!!"
"I WANT MY HIT POINTS BACK!"
(crying) "Don't scavenge my stuff!" - Nomads, usually after threatening you to drop your own loot.
"No, YOU take a time-out!" - dying Psychos
"I'm gonna wear your face like a condom!"
"I made you a salad - out of words!"
"You can't kill me, I'm already dead tomorrow!"
"This is prison! And we're the guys in the shower!
"I made finger pizza just for you!"
"I need another head for my merry-go-round!"
"They told me to bring a pail lunch. You look pale enough to me!"
- Okay, screw it. Here's a complete list of their quotes.
- Flying bandits will often say "Tora! Tora! Tora!, or hum (Or loudly sing) the Ride of the Valkyries music."DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH! DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH! DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH! DAH DAH DAH DAH!
- Psychos will rarely recite Hamlet's "Too Solid Flesh" soliloquy (Act I Scene II lines 129-158) in its entirety if you don't interrupt them. If one of them says it during the mission in which you have to rescue Corporal Reiss, you can easily stand back while the Psychos are beating him and listen to it in its entirety. Hearing a Psycho quote The Bard in his Psycho-ish voice is funny as hell. Hearing him do it while beating a man to death just makes it that much funnier.
- And Rakkman's audio log might just trump all of them for pure insanity. Bear in mind, Rakkman was called insane by his peers... which were other bandits.Rakkman: The shiny moonbeams ate all my corncobs. They sliced my mother's pearly-pearls and sent the Rakk to graze on her piano-driven corpse! MY PARENTS JIGGLED AND SQUIGGLED AND I DIDN'T KILL THEM I PROMISE! They called me INSANE! No, I am not insane! I am throatscratch! I am the pants! I... am... RAKKMAN!
- Captain Flynt's recorded messages - in particular, one in which he's torturing some poor bandit.Flynt: At the sound of Heaton screaming for his life, it will be two thirty.
Heaton: WHY?! OH GOD, WHHHYYYYY?!
Flynt: (cheerfully) See you again at two thirty-five!
- Captain Flynt also mentions his relation to Baron Flynt; both of them are brothers. He also mentions another noteworthy fact: those are not titles, his first name is actually Captain and his brother's name is Baron.Captain Flynt: Our parents were douchebags.
- There are two midget variations on regular enemies that are hilarious:
- Midget Nomads in the second playthrough. Yes, they hate midgets too.
- Midget Goliaths. It's very hard to take them seriously when they sound like they do, even while enraged.
- Midgets of most types can climb onto the back of a goliath a la Master Blaster. This includes midget goliaths, where the one receiving the piggyback is the same size as the one giving it. It looks amusing.
- There are Hyperion variants of Loot Midgets found in Hyperion-occupied zones. It's amusing to hear Hyperion employee quotes at such a high pitch.
- Goliath-type enemies can be exploited to utterly obliterate their bandit friends, and chase you across the entire map of where you find them, as long as you stay in their sights. This typically leads to a gigantic Body Horror maniac being treated like an adorable 8-foot puppy that squishes your enemies!
- Also, their names will grow longer and scarier every time they defeat a former ally, eventually becoming a GOD-Liath.
- Much more amusing if you get the Giant Midget of Death.
- Goliaths have a jump attack to let them slaughterpunch you even if you're on unreachable high ground. This can sometimes result in... this. Or, even funnier, if you kill them in midair, they will keep flying upward into the air.
- You can make two Goliaths or more have a boxing match. If it's a Caustic Goliath, a vomit fight will ensue. And in the Bandit Circle of Slaughter, you can cause a mass Goliath brawl, with six or more flailing their fists and punching each other.
- If you set a Goliath on fire:"Now the ladies say I hottie!""If you can't take heat, make kitchen!"
- If you kill a Goliath with Shock damage:"I have ELECTRIC personality!"
- Virtually everything that Mal comes out with.Mal: I can't wait to get a mortgage!
Mal: I can't wait to become human! I'll take showers and tip waiters and get bruises and fold bed sheets and disappoint my loved ones and eat tacos!
- Hyperion is full of Comedic Sociopathy, just listen to the announcements.
- At the Wildlife Exploitation Preserve:Announcer: If you are part of experiment group A, stay away from the wild creature cages. If you are part of experiment group B, move closer.
Announcer: This is a reminder to all employees: please do not injure the animals until you are on break.
Announcer: Remember engineers - through your efforts here, you are creating a safer, kinder Pandora. Through torture.
Announcer: Creature fighting rings are only allowed on special occasions, such as Birthday Parties or Tuesdays.
Handsome Jack: This is Handsome Jack, thanking you, loyal test subject, for helping bring Pandora into the future. The experiments you'll be put through will help us uncover new uses for Eridium, new cures for medicine and - seriously? (chuckles) Why are you having me read this crap? This is freaking hilarious. They know we're gonna mutate the hell out of em, why lie to em? (static)
Loader Greeter: Thank you for open quotes volunteering closed quotes as a test subject at Hyperion Preserve. Do not attempt to leave the grounds.
Loader Greeter: Attention open quote volunteers closed quotes: following your experiments you receive a open quotes gift closed quotes. The gift is open quotes freedom closed quotes.
Loader Greeter: Volunteers are reminded to maintain a distance of twenty meters from the animal holding cells. Ignore this warning if you are in the open quotes human bait closed quotes testing group.
Loader Greeter: Do not touch the eridium vats unless you have alerted a Hyperion technician first, preferably one with a camera.
Loader Greeter: While waiting to be experimented upon, consider the majesty of the creatures surrounding you. Do not consider the fact that, barring any major accidents in the next few minutes, they will likely outlive you.
Loader Greeter: If you hear screaming coming from the research labs, stop listening so hard.
- At the Wildlife Exploitation Preserve:
- Much like bandits, Hyperion Engineers also have plenty of hilarious quotes on death. But one truly stands out."Tell my wife... she's a bitch!"
- The Sheriff's response to you blowing up her personal Eridium train, killing her lawmen and their skags, robbing the bank and starting a war with the whole town?The Sheriff of Lynchwood/Nisha: *cheerfully* I like you.
- She is a horrible person through and through, a massive sadist and kills puppies, but she's endearing due to the fact that, unlike Jack, who doesn't show up to fight you until you find Lilith in the Vault, she decides to fight you head on, with, of course, several marshals and Deputy Winger. But that's not what makes it funny-it's her entire attitude in the quests. She doesn't become mad when you rob her bank and blow up her train or fight the bandits in her town, and when she sounds angry, it turns out that she's faking it. When she hears Brick's plan to blow up the bank, her response is "Explosions? This should be fun." and when you fight her, she compliments you and if you kill her, she mutters "Well done" before departing from this mortal coil.
- Claptrap giving his opinion on a Sanctuary resident's look and style:Claptrap: Intimidating, but slightly arousing! I like it!
- Claptrap's hilariously bad cold-related puns and attempts to explain the nature of humor during "The Iceman Cometh".Claptrap: When the Crimson Raiders asked why I wanted the detonator, I told them, "be cool!" Beat HOW ARE YOU NOT LAUGHING RIGHT NOW?! THIS IS FbeepING GOLD!
- Crazy Earl says a lot of funny things when you shop from him:
- "WELCOME TO THE BLACK MARKET! Heheh... don't tell you friends."
- "Who told you about this place?! I'LL KILL 'EM!"
- "Holy shit! Someone actually paid for that!"
- "Outta my face! OUTTA MY FACE!"
- "Where are you, Skrappy?! Skrappy?!" (sobs)note
- When you buy at Crazy Earl's shop, one of the lines he can say is "It's dangerous to go alone, jerkwad!"
- Scooter on Crazy Earl: "Yeah, he ate one of my cars once. Yeeeah. The whole car. Just with, like, a fork."
- Let's just get it out of the way: everything that Tiny Tina says. Every. Damn. Thing.
- The above montage leaves out one of the best exchanges in the entire mission:Tiny Tina: That's right, bitches! My big brudder's come to teach you some manners! NOBODY STEALS MUSHY SNUGGLEBITES' BADONKADONK AND LIVES!
Bandit: (Beat) WHO THE HELL IS MUSHY SNUGGLEBITES?!
- The whole point of hiring Tiny Tina (yes, there's a point) is to hijack a train:Tina: Awwrite counting down! Ten! Nine!
(Missiles prematurely launch and take out the train.)
Tina: I got bored.
- "Please excuse Madame Von Bartlesby's disposition. She's Welsh." (She's actually a legendary badass Varkid. And more likely Scottish.)
- Near the end of the game, right before the big showdown with Jack, Tina chimes in over the ECHO while you're in Sanctuary.Tina: Sup, sucka? It's Tina. I wrote you a poem and it goes a little somethin' like this break it down! Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. KIIIIIIIIIILLLL JAAAAAAACCCCKKKK! Kill Jack. A poem by Tiny Tina.
- The above montage leaves out one of the best exchanges in the entire mission:
- If you tip Moxxi enough money at her bar, she'll eventually pull a gun from her cleavage and give it to you as a reward. She says it's her favorite gun. It's called Miss Moxxi's Good Touch, and when you're holding it, it vibrates.
- This crosses over to Real Life if you are playing the game with a controller...
- In the Arid Nexus, you can find ECHO recordings of before Zed went to Sanctuary. Some are pretty dark (such as Zed calling about how Blake showed him some "obviously faked" pictures of New Haven burning, which can't possibly be real because the Vault Hunters were protecting the place), but there's humor in there too.Zed: Roland, I've made my decision. Thanks for the offer, but I'm not moving to Sanctuary. I'm staying right here, in Fyrestone. I was born here, and if I'm going to die, it's going to be right here, in Fyresto—
Hyperion Bot: Attention, citizen of Fyrestone. Die.
Zed: Aw, piss.
Zed: (shouting to be heard over the gunfire) On second thought, Roland, how soon can you pick me up?
- Moxxi still has some hilarious lines.Moxxi: (on the subject of Jack planning to rebuild her Underdrome in his image) But it still won't have the flair, the pizzazz... and his tits aren't as nice.
Moxxi: Hell, I'm all wet. I mean... I spilled a drink. Before you came in. Not because you tipped me. Good god, I'm not that easy.
Moxxi: (discussing the subject of Mordecai and Bloodwing) Just because he was too busy plucking his bird instead of plucking my... my...GOD DAMMIT I'm so angry I can't even think of a sexy innuendo!
- If you tip her, you may hear her slip into a redneck accent like her two kids before reacting in horror at the realisation. It is strange and at the same time hilarious.
- In Sawtooth Cauldron, you can find ECHO logs detailing how Zer0 was recruited. When Angel is asked questions about his background, all she can say is "...I'unno." The kicker is how she says it. Normally Angel is very articulate and clear, even when startled or worried. But when she says "I dunno." she just jumbles the words together, which just makes it funnier.
- One ECHO mentions that Tannis ate a strand of Lilith's hair. She even comments on what it tasted like. Lilith, it was noted, did not approve.
- There's sometimes a female NPC in Sanctuary with an Eastern European accent. Her English... leaves a lot to be desired...Female NPC: Please to excuse the manner of speaking of which is coming out of my face mouth to say you.
Female NPC: Do you know where is Moxxi underboob palacio?
Female NPC: (about Moxxi) I hear she has the most amazing breastibules!
- When you get your first gun:When you're fighting a skyscraper-sized enemy with a gun that shoots lightning, you're going to think back to this moment and be like "heh."
- Even funnier if you do remember this one when fighting Saturn.
- When fighting Knuckle Dragger, some of his minions emerge:Claptrap: Oh, god! They're coming out of the wall-sphincters!
(after defeating Knuckle Dragger)
Claptrap: Oh, and I apologize for saying 'wall-sphincters' I say that a lot when I'm frightened.
- After you beat Boom-Bewm during "Best Minion Ever", Robot Buddy Claptrap has you climb onto the Big Bertha cannon to blow open a huge gate. He then proceeds to stand next to the gate and shout at you not to fire until he's clear of the gate and he gives you the signal. For quite a while, even "testing" you a few times. He never actually moves away from the gate, so your only option is to blow open the gate while Claptrap's standing next to it.
- Don't forget immediately prior, after killing Boom-Bewm, whose dialogue consists of "BOOM BOOM! AHAHAHAH!", he says "They sure said boom a lot!".
- When you reach the Soaring Dragon, Claptrap gives this gem:Claptrap: So... I might have tried to stage a mutiny before the flash-freeze. Which would explain why his men are currently beating the crap out of me, right guys?
Bandit: SHUT UP!!
Claptrap: (cheerfully) Okay!
- When you get closer he tries to stop them by asking to talk things over. Only to give them an adequate reason to keep doing so.Claptrap: (mimicking a bandit) "But you're a machine and incapable of feeling pain. So beating you doesn't make you feel pain and makes us feel better!" (beat) On second thought, you guys have the moral high ground here. Pummel away!
- When you get closer he tries to stop them by asking to talk things over. Only to give them an adequate reason to keep doing so.
- During "Hunting the Firehawk", the Bloodshot leader Flanksteak's graphic threats are enough to make even the usually-unflappable Angel's composure slip a little.Flanksteak: That demonic THING will rue the goddamn day it messed with us! WE'RE GONNA MAKE THE FIREHAWK CHOKE TO DEATH ON HIS OWN FECES!
Angel: Dude. Ew.
- Meeting up with Lilith early in the storyline has this knee-slapper, in which the character attempts to send you over to a bandit hide out... you don't get very far, though.Lilith: ...I only sent you, like, 10 feet, didn't I? Sorry about that. Still getting used to this.
- When defending the beacon in Overlook and it gets destroyed a certain number of times, someone chimes in on it:
- After you survive an initiation put up by the Slab King, a.k.a. Brick, a bandit named Sarcastic Slab appears and makes sarcastic comments while clapping for you. If you kill him, the Slab King will commend you for it.Sarcastic Slab: Yeah, GREAT job! We are soooo proud you're managed to kill our brothers and friends. You're just sooo cool. This is totally not sarcasm.
- In the final stage of the initiation, you can have the Slab King yell about how the Vault Hunter is slaughtering his underlings...when the Vault Hunter hasn't actually killed anyone in a while and it's one of the Slabs' own goliaths that's rampaging around killing all the bandits.
- Roland gives you a note to deliver to the Slab King. It actually has a message on it: "I.O.U. One world saved. -B"
- In order to get into Control Core Angel, you need to get past a door that will only open for Handsome Jack, so you do a quest to get a voice synthesizer so that you can sound like him. Until you do the next quest, your character will sound like Jack for all their one-liners. Salvador even keeps his accent, and may sometimes even say a one-liner that goes something like "So that's what Jack would sound like if he had my accent."
Gaige: Checking the mic! Mic check! Mechromancer here, bitches! Oh, god, I sound like such a jackass!
- And when the character puts the voice mod on, they quickly feel ashamed for sounding like such a Jack-ass.
- Salvador will sometimes scream out "Hey, everybody! I'm a jackass!" when going into Fight for Your Life with Jack's voice.
- Maya doesn't consider herself an angry person, but;Maya. ...if I have to speak with this fascist voice much longer, I will rip out my own voice box and stomp on it...!
- Occasionally, Maya will forget that she has Jack's voice. And whenever she starts speaking in it, she'll throw up in her mouth a little.
- Axton, naturally, says this:Axton: "I'm Handsome Jack! Commando, don't kill me! I'm so sorry!" Pow! "Augh, oh no, you're so much cooler than me, Commando..."
- Zer0 of course recites in haiku about how terrible it is to sound like Jack - randomly selected from four different ones. It's hard to tell from his tone, but you'd swear that he's actually depressed about it.Zer0: Now, I have Jack's voice / I truly understand him / He is an asshole.
- Gaige is disappointed that she sounds like Jack, because she expected speaking in an older man's voice would be hot.
Gaige: Friggin' Jack voice!
- She also tries rapping about how awesome she is... and stops herself in disgust of how she sounds.
- Krieg... remains completely silent. As if being given the voice of the man who ruined his life is such an affront to what little dignity he has left that he becomes lucid enough to completely opt out of saying anything until the mission is over.
- When you start the mission "Where Angels Fear To Tread", you go to find Claptrap because you need his help for the mission.Roland: FYI, it may take some serious convincing to get Claptrap to head to Thousand Cuts.
Claptrap: Minion! Let's go to Thousand Cuts!
Roland: ...Or not.
- When you meet up with Claptrap at Thousand Cuts, he's already started his attack... by spraying everything in sight with graffiti.Claptrap: We're gonna make Jack regret ever setting up shop on this cliff! It'll take him minutes to wash this graffiti off! MINUTES, I SAY! HAHAHAHA!
- And right after that, when breaching the defenses, Claptrap leads the charge for all of five seconds before running off and disappearing for the rest of the mission.Claptrap: I will defend you to the death, minion!
(Hyperion forces attack)
Claptrap: OH GOD NO I WON'T!
- When you meet up with Claptrap at Thousand Cuts, he's already started his attack... by spraying everything in sight with graffiti.
- Very close to the end of the game, you meet up with Claptrap to finally kill Handsome Jack. Claptrap has some... choice words for the megalomaniac.Claptrap: This is it, minion! Our vengeance is at hand! LETS TEAR THIS PLANET A NEW ***HOLE! YAAAAAAGH! (charges toward the door) Hyperion's gonna regret ever setting foot on Pandora! Minion, I'm gonna get that door open so I can take care of that handsome bastard myself. You hear me, Jack?! You killed my friends! You destroyed my product line! I am the last Claptrap in existence, AND I AM GOING TO TEABAG YOUR CORPSE! (Hyperion bots show up) AAH! Minion, draw their fire with your face while I cloak my way over to the door controls!
- Claptrap attempts to open a door.Claptrap: Aaaaand OPEN!
Female A.I.: Access Denied.
Claptrap: What?! I said "Aaaaand OPEN!" not "Aaaaand close a secondary set of doors."
- Midway through the subsequent battle of the bots, Shielded Turrets will spring out after Claptrap tries to sweet talk the Female Voice AI into opening up the door. The following exchange takes place:Claptrap: I got an idea! I'm hacking the turrets so they fight for us!
Female A.I.: Access denied.
Claptrap: Come on baby, don't be like that... GIMME! THOSE! TURRETS!
Female A.I.: Access... granted.
Claptrap: HOLY *** THAT ACTUALLY WORKED!!! The turrets are fighting for us now! I actually did something!
- When Claptrap finally opens the door (which in any other game would, judging by its size and ominous nature would conceal a giant boss that needs to be fought to proceed) he discovers Jack's most devious defensive measure ever:.
Claptrap: (Inelegant Blubbering) I'm so alone! (more Inelegant Blubbering) I'll never climb those stairs!
- And then his Long List of weaknesses:Claptrap: Dammit, Jack! How did you know that stairs were my only weakness! Next to electrocution, and explosions, and gunfire, rust, corrosion, being kicked a lot, viruses, being called bad names, falling from great heights, drowning, adult onset diabetes, being looked at funny, heart attacks, exposure to oxygen, being turned down by women, and pet allergins! Your brilliance is matched only by your malevolence!
- What sells it is the animation. Usually the dialogue would be independent of what they're actually doing and characters would cycle through a series of generic idle animations while they talked. Claptrap will actually fall limp as he sees the stairs, making it even more hilarious.
- Eventually, Claptrap decides to cloak so that the Vault hunters won't hear him crying. Upon cloaking, his crying is both heard in the open and broadcast across the ECHOnet.
- And then his Long List of weaknesses:
- Claptrap attempts to open a door.
- Right before the final confrontation with Handsome Jack, you find one last sign that simply says "hard hat required". In the middle of a mining operation, in a volcanic vein, with incredibly radioactive ore and the resting place of an ancient bio-engineered dragon just past where it's resting, and now Jack has the audacity to put something as simple as that.
- One of the earliest side quests, "Shielded Favors," requires you to eventually pull a capacitor out of a fusebox that's behind an electric fence. Claptrap insists that you can just run through if you go fast enough. Obviously you can't, and if you keep trying, Angel will eventually just suggest shooting the fuse box through the fence to shut off the power while Claptrap keeps coming up with bad ideas.Claptrap: Ooh! Maybe grab it with your TEETH!
Angel: In general, ignore any advice Claptrap gives you.
- The mission briefing for 'Symbiosis':Hammerlock: Would you care to do battle with a midget riding piggyback on a Bullymong? If your answer is yes, please go to the Southern Shelf and defeat Midge-Mong for me. If your answer is no, you are sad and I have no desire to speak with you further.
- While actually doing 'Symbiosis' and fighting Midge-Mong:Hammerlock: Ah — what an unlikely symbiotic relationship — two deadly creatures cooperating to survive this harsh environment! Also, the midget looks like a little human backpack, and that's funny.
- While actually doing 'Symbiosis' and fighting Midge-Mong:
- "Bad Hair Day" has Sir Hammerlock requesting the player to fetch him some bullymong fur to decorate his hat. Claptrap eventually chips in and demands the fur for a shotgun, to which Hammerlock responds by making a counter-offer of a sniper rifle, assuming that Claptrap "would do something irredeemably stupid with it, like make a mohawk out of it or something". If you turn the fur in to Claptrap, he turns out to be right.
- The mission "Do No Harm", in which the player has to assist Dr. Zed with some surgery on a captured Hyperion agent:Zed: Alright: make a small incision just below his sternum, but be careful - we don't want to nick the coronary artery.
(Player "performs surgery" - with a melee attack - messily killing the patient and extracting an Eridium Shard in a shower of gore)
Zed: Close enough.
- Becomes much funnier if you do so as Salvador (who "performs surgery" with his fists), Gaige (who uses a hammer) or Krieg (who uses a giant Buzzaxe). Also funny if any of the melee overides the cast will use for this purpose are unlocked (usually in the second playthrough).
- While on your way to turn the Eridium into Tannis:Zed: God as my witness, one day I will find a usable spleen.
- And the next mission, where he has you hunt down Doc Mercy, an old rival who's using a strange new weapon that inflicts serious wounds without any sort of visible ammunition.Zed: Don't let that name fool ya. Unlike me, he's more interested in creatin' wounds than patchin' 'em up. Also unlike me, he actually has a medical license.
- And the next mission, where he has you hunt down Doc Mercy, an old rival who's using a strange new weapon that inflicts serious wounds without any sort of visible ammunition.
- Claptrap's five, ridiculously complicated/near-impossible, objectives that you supposedly must complete to unlock his Secret Stash. But what sells it further is the fact that they actually show up on the objectives list on the HUD.Collect 139,377 brown rocks
Defeat Ug-Thak, Lord of Skags
Pilfer lost staff of Mount Schuler
Defeat Destroyer of Worlds
Dance, dance, baby
- In the end, you don't do any of those quests, you just step back a little, incidentally knocking over the piece of debris that was concealing the stash.
- The end of the first timed mission, "Neither Rain Nor Sleet Nor Skags", has this gem:Lance Scapelli: Now that's what I wanted to see! Unfortunately, you're fired, because Dino's made a full recovery!
Dino: (distressed) I haven't recovered, you just duct taped my legs to these pogo sticks —
Lance Scapelli: Fit as a fiddle, he is!
- Some of the bandits have started worshipping Lilith as a god, and she's trying very hard not to be impressed.Lilith: I've gotta admit, these guys are weird, but watching them kill that false god for me was kinda flattering! Oh, I'm a bad person...
- That entire quest chain, really.Quest Info: You've pleased Incinerator Clayton (which is good) by committing brutal violence (which is bad) against a group of people who only find happiness in immolation-related death (which is kind of a grey area).
- That entire quest chain, really.
- In the optional mission "Too Close For Missiles", you need to storm a bandit pilot training camp & sabotage their volleyball court. What's hilarious is that you can hear some of the bandits flying in the attacking Buzzards sing "ride of the Valkyries"; "DAAADDAAA-DAA-DAA-DAAADDAAA-DAA-DAAA"!!!!!
- The Name Game quest, where Hammerlock tries to come up with a better name for the ape-like bullymongs. First his publisher rejects "Primal Beast", then he tries calling them "Ferovores":Hammerlock: Bloody balls, Ferovore is trademarked! Rrgh, sod it! I'm so sick of coming up with names for it! Y'know what? Bonerfart; all of them, that's right, we're calling them Bonerfarts now; just kill a few of them or something, I don't care anymore.
- And the game updates all prompts and references to the creatures to "Bonerfarts" for the rest of the quest!
- This also changes the Monglet (young bullymong) enemies into Bonertoots.
- Given that bonertoots is an Inherently Funny Word... Yeah, better not be drinking anything while doing this quest.
- Doctor Zed during the Medical Mystery missions: "After watching you waste those bandits with that E-Tech weapon, I have come to a medically sound conclusion: E-Tech is friggin' dope!"
- In that vein, in one of the ECHO recordings recovered during In Memoriam, Lilith admits "This Eridian stuff is the tits!"
- Speaking of In Memoriam, you're tasked securing Echo Logs of Roland and Lilith to ensure that Hyperion keeps thinking Lilith's dead. But they're all mostly peppered with unsuccessful attempts by Lilith to get back with Roland.Roland: I like this place. Hyperion shouldn't be able to find you here.
Lilith: Thanks. I tried to make it very...
Lilith: I was going to say "cozy".
Roland: You've strapped charred bandit corpses around the entrance.
Lilith: Corpses can be cozy. Kinda like our place in New Haven, before, um...
Roland: Yeah, I'm going now.
Lilith: [sigh] Suave Lilith.
Roland: Okay but why not just send an echo? Why call me out here and increase the risk of Hyperion finding out you're still working with the Crimson Raiders?
- Echo Number #2. Lilith reveals that she liquified a guy after absorbing some Eridium. She sounds distraught at first, but then just concludes that it was awesome. Roland's real question however:
Lilith: Uh... uh um, b-because you... how... how are you... doing?
Roland: Yeah I think I gonna leave now.
- Lilith's cult sidequest chain, the whole damn thing. The ending in particular involves you killing everyone in the cult (fairly easy since every other quest has been helping them commit suicide) and then the people you saved with her help start a cult worshipping you.
- The mission "Out of Body Experience". An A.I. core wants to turn itself around and stop killing people and asks you to find it a new body. However, it still has the urge to kill no matter which robot you stick it in, so it eventually asks you to stick it in the radio in Moxxi's bar. It can't shoot anyone in a radio, so all's well, right? Wrong - it then tries to kill everyone in the bar with bad music (hoping to drive them to suicide). After that, it just resigns to its killing ways and asks you to stick it in a shield or a gun. The best part is that it still speaks to you whenever you have it equipped!
- If you had it as a gun, the gun's description is "I like being a gun."
- The song A.I. #1340 plays over the radio in Moxxxi's bar is hilariously awful.
- If you chose to turn #1340 into a shotgun you can then trigger a bug while playing online that causes it to play all its voice samples simultaneously with any weapon at full volume. Same glitch happens to The Bane but to a lesser extent.
- In Mighty Morphin sidequest Hammerlock asks the player to force some varkids (insect things) to mutate so he can study them. Hammerlock praises the creatures while it was morphing; that is until he sees the results.Hammerlock: Many view these creatures as mere cannon fodder, oblivious to their elegant design. Lovely creatures. Beautiful creatures...
(Mutated varkid emerges from the cocoon)
Hammerlock: OH DEAR LORD IT'S DISGUSTING KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!
- Unfortunately, it immediately STOPS being funny when you actually start fighting them.
- The entirety of the climax of "You Are Cordially Invited". The hardest part of the mission is shooting straight because you're laughing so hard at the dissonance between mowing down waves of angry bandits and Tina's tea party dialogue.
- "The Ice Man Cometh" mission, what with Claptrap's slew of terrible cold-related puns and this exchange:Claptrap: Good job - with their furnaces gone, the bandits will be way too cold to kill anybody!
Bandit: Who turned off our furnaces?! KILL 'EM!
Claptrap: Ah, crap.
- The best part is the fact that the bandits are wearing fur hats as they try to kill you, but the Psychos (despite also wearing hats) are still shirtless!
- In the Highlands you meet a woman named Karima who is possibly one of the nicest people you ever meet on Pandora. She sends you out on some missions to help the town of Overlook protect themselves from the Hyperion Corporation who have set up shop on the other side of the valley, and whenever she talks to you she gets interrupted by a guy named Dave who constantly berates her with sexist remarks and innuendo which she just takes in stride. For her last mission, she sends you to the Hyperion base so you can use a mortar to test out Overlook's new shield. Then, this happens:Karima: Now, fire the cannon!
Dave: Karima, don't feel bad Jack fed your husband into the grinder. Hell! I'll bed ya if ya ask nicely! AHAHAHAHAHA-AAAAAARRRGHH
(the mortar crashes into Dave's house, sending it tumbling into the valley below)
Karima: Now, let's try that with the shield on.
- Let us not forget that "Karima" is one letter away from "Karma".
- "You know what my favorite thing about Dave is? He's dead!"
- Dave himself can count as an example. Some of his sexist comments are so over the top that they are impossible to take seriously.
- Face McShooty wants help. The quest? To shoot him in the face.
- Made more funny when you do it on Gaige with 400 stacks of Anarchy. It may... take you a couple tries.note
- Character selection and good luck with the callouts can lead to some interesting things. When playing as Krieg, there's a chance that he'll say "SHUT-SHUT-SHUT-SHUT UP!", giving the impression that he, of all people, finds Face's ramblings about being shot in the face annoying.
- Even funnier, if you shoot him anywhere else, he just yells at you for not shooting him in the face.
Face McShooty: I notice you haven't shot me in the face yet! Curious as to why! Maybe you're weighing the moral pros and cons but let me assure you that — OH MY GOD, SHOOT ME IN THE GODDAMNED FACE! WHAT'RE YOU WAITING FOR!?
- The best part is probably when he decides to stop yelling at you and politely asks why you haven't shot him in the face yet.
- And then when you finally shoot him, he somehow manages to blurt out "THANK YOU!" before expiring.
- Probably one of the best things about the quest is the fact you get the aptly-titled achievement "Well That Was Easy".
- Made more funny when you do it on Gaige with 400 stacks of Anarchy. It may... take you a couple tries.note
- This gem from the "Hell Hath No Fury" mission, in which Moxxi sends the player on a quest to destroy Jack's currently under-construction Underdome:Jack: Ol' balloon-tits is still holding a grudge against me, huh? I mean, don't get me wrong, I get it - once you've eaten prime rib for free, it's hard to go back to suckin' down hamburgers for cash. If you know what I'm talking about. Do you know what I'm talking about? (lengthy pause) Dicks! I'm talkin' about dicks.
Jack: MY CONSTRUCTION SITE! MOXXI, YOU BITCH!Moxxi: Ha! Haven't seen Jack that angry since I kicked his plastic-surgery ass to the curb. Come on back, sugar.
- And then when you do destroy the construction site, Jack losing his cool is very satisfying and hilarious.
- While the subject of "Torture Chairs" is rather depressing, Tannis's reasoning for her hiding spots seemed to involved "trash heaps where people will never look. One of them is found sitting at Claptrap's hovel, presumably because no one would ever willingly visit Claptrap, and the other is sitting in Dr. Zed's clinic just behind the curtains, presumably because he rarely does anything back there to begin with.
- Scooter's poem.Scooter: I like you a whole lot / More than that bandit liked spoonin' that ro-bot. / You are a diamond in the rough / or a flower surrounded by shrapnel and stuff. / I will hang myself from my own tombstone / if within you I cannot put my bone.
- Even funnier is the recipient's (Daisy) reaction. To calmly shut the door behind her and blow her brains out.
- Triply funny? Scooter's very cheerful "Sooooooo, what'd she think?" right after that.
- "Everyone's a critic."
- Even funnier is the recipient's (Daisy) reaction. To calmly shut the door behind her and blow her brains out.
- Every one of Scooter's love quests involves you grabbing nudie mags for the secondary objective. For him, it's Plan B.
- The end result of the "Home Movies" mission. The mission has you edit a propaganda video that encourages people to move to Opportunity, a "model city" built by Handsome Jack/Hyperion. You leave the voice track untouched, instead replacing the scenes of happy people socializing and drinking with scenes of Mooks being murdered, and stuff blowing up.Cheery Voiceover: Just think; right now, this could be you! (cued to engineer being shot in the face)
- The mission "The Great Escape". A goliath named Ulysses wants you to help him get off Pandora, by recovering a lunar beacon and setting it up for him, which proceeds normally. Once you complete and turn in the mission, however, the post-mission sequence has Ulysses activating the beacon, and screaming in triumph... as the moon base fires a super-high velocity large crate toward him. Technically, he did leave Pandora.
- Dr. Zed has a quest line where he creates horrible, hard-to-kill, annoying abominations of nature. The first two parts involve gathering up critter parts for him for reason he doesn't tell you. The third involves said annoying abominations of nature getting loose and you having to kill them. It's Zed's reaction to this that makes it great.Zed: Y'know, if you think about it, this is really your fault.
- While searching for research notes in "Stalker of Stalkers", you get this awesomely hilarious mental imagery.Taggart: Chapter one. Today, I punched a Stalker so hard it turned inside out. End of chapter one.
- The "Clan Wars" mission arc is pretty dark, as it symbolises the horrible things gangsters did to each other in the gang wars of The Roaring '20s. Then comes the final mission, where both sides yell at you on who to shoot during a very tense Mexican Standoff.Mick Zaford: Ah, me faithful soldier. Here to help me wipe out these rednecks, are ya?Tector Hodunk: The hell do you mean, YOUR soldier? They's with us!Mick Zaford: My wart-covered fanny they is!Tector Hodunk: We ain't sittin' for more Zaford lies! Time to END THIS!Mick Zaford: Enough of this! Shoot Tector!Tector Hodunk: Hell with that! Shoot Mick!Mick Zaford; Screw you! Shoot those Hodunk bastards!Tector Hodunk: No, shoot the Zafords!Mick Zaford: They crashed me boy's wake!Tector Hodunk: THEY burned our homes to the ground!Mick Zaford: Shoot him!Tector Hodunk: Shoot HIM!
- The Clan War mission where you burn the Hodunk trailers can also be unintentionally funny if you brought 400 Anarchy stacks to the party. You can point Flynt's Tinderbox directly at a gas tank, hold down the trigger for 44 shots, and still not hit with any of them!
- The mission to find four parts of a gun (a Call-Back to the first game that lots of these missions)starts with an audio log found inside a random skag in Arid Nexus:Bandit: What a nice day. Just taking a walk, talking into my ECHO recorder and hoping skags don't ambush me before breaking my gun into four separate pieces and eating them. (Sound of skags roaring) Oh God! That is exactly what is happening!!
- Once you get over the hair-pulling Escort Mission aspect of it, "Statuesque" has some hilarious dialogue, with Jack getting increasingly passive-aggressive (and eventually straight-up aggressive) as you gleefully vandalize his statues with a hacked Constructor.(player destroys the second statue)
Handsome Jack: I can actually see why you'd wanna tear that particular statue down. Clearly, you're illiterate, and the image of me enjoying a good book just makes your head hurt somethin' awful.
(Constructor starts on the third statue)
Handsome Jack: Oh, come ON! What's wrong with that statue?! I'm holding the Vault Key and a BABY. You know what babies are, right? Those little soft pink things your kind eats after you're done rolling around in your own feces? Ring a bell?!
Overseer: Commencing dance protocols — ERROR. ERROR. (explodes)
- Then, once you complete the mission, Claptrap gets you to make the Constructor dance... which doesn't go well.
Claptrap: Oh... he exploded, didn't he? I guess that's... kind of like dancing...
Handsome Jack: You. Are such. A jackass.
- The Launch Trailer for Borderlands 2 includes several gems:
- "87 Bazillion guns just got bazilliondier!"
- "Even more skills."note
- Claptrap's dubstep dance, and the subsequent message - "96.5% more WUB WUB."
- Randy Pitchford went on to say in an interview that the above line was true as there was no WUB WUB in the first one.
- The in-game radio advertisements give us these gems:
- Torgue:Torgue Spokesperson: The following message from Mr. Torgue does not reflect the opinions of the Torgue corporation itself.
Mr. Torgue: IF YOU DON'T BUY TORGUE GUNS YOU'RE *beep*ING RETARDED!!!
Torgue Spokesperson: The previous message from Mr. Torgue does not reflect the opinions of the Torgue corporation itself.
- Another Torgue:Mr. Torgue: Did you know that 97% of all living things on Pandora aren't exploding right now? THAT'S BULLSH*T! BUY TORGUE!
- And Mr. Torgue only gets more and more funny, as you'll see below.
- The following gem can be found on all toilet-containers.Dook hut — no fapping!
- Also, the very fact that weapons and ammo can be found in an abandoned public toilet - and unlike Borderlands 1's dried-out ones, these ones cough up some of the stuff along with a gush of murky liquid.
- And someone drew a smiley face in the crud on the toilet lid. BLEUGH!!
- In a hilarious ECHO you pick up during a quest for Moxxi in the Torgue campaign, Tina jumps onto the interview show, and takes it over (it starts around 1:40 in the video). It's quite hilarious to listen to, particularly at the end when Moxxi delivers a Precision F-Strike.
- WIPE THE RAISIN ABOMINATION OFF THE MAP!
- Also, the very fact that weapons and ammo can be found in an abandoned public toilet - and unlike Borderlands 1's dried-out ones, these ones cough up some of the stuff along with a gush of murky liquid.
- Any time you respawn at a New-U station.Aaaaaand RESPAWN!
The only thing worse than respawning is not respawning.
Rise from your grave!
If some idiot claims that life is meaningless without death, Hyperion recommends killing them.
Do not worry about the afterlife, valued Hyperion customer. Hell is reserved exclusively for pedophiles and people who buy Jakobs munitions.
Permanent death? Shmermanent... shmeath...
The Hyperion corporation would like to clarify that the bright light you saw was our DigiStruct technology, and not a higher power. Not higher than Hyperion, anyway.
The Hyperion corporation suggests: Live! LIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVE!
Between you and us, that thing that killed you is a total dick. Please disregard this message if you committed suicide.
Don't think of your death as failure, think of it as fun! Don't think of Hyperion's respawn charges as war profiteering, think of them as war... fun!
Hyperion recommends swearing vengeance on the thing that killed you, unless it was an inanimate object such as a cliff.
Hyperion recommends taking a few deep breaths before swearing vengeance on whatever killed you.
Hyperion is sure that wasn't your fault.
Hyperion would like to take this opportunity to say: cha-ching!
The Hyperion corporation assures you that any spawn-campers will be permanently banned from this plane of existence.
So long as you believe in yourself, nothing can truly kill you. Except for Handsome Jack.
- The vending machines and vendors will sometimes crack jokes, both when you open one up, and after you close it. And often in Large Ham fashion."Two words my friend: No refunds."
[in a Scooter-esque tone] "Catch-a-guuuunnnn! Guh! I'm never saying that again."
"Who needs a medical license when you've got style!"
"It's dangerous to go alone, jerkwad!"
"Don't tell your friends!" - Crazy Earl, a joke to one of Marcus' quotes when you leave a vendor
"Goodbye friend! If you shop anywhere else, I'll have you killed."
- The names of the Bandit-brand guns all have hilariously poor spelling and grammar.
- The Catch-A-Ride terminals again."All the ladies say Scooter is the fastest ride in town! CATCH A RIII—aw, I just realized that's an insult."
"My cars might not get you there alive, but they'll get you there!"
"You know, technically, my cars are the safest on Pandora."
"Hey, if you ain't a stickler for seatbelts, airbags, or engines that don't go BEWM iff'n you push 'em too hard, y'come to the right place!"
"Heh. Hey, y'all! Welcome to the new and improved Catch-A-Ride! Now with 47% more than 26% deaths annually! That is down from last year, hold your applause!"
"This is Scooter's Catch-a-Ride! Hit the gas and tear some ass! That sounds like I said you farted."
- The secret "What does it mean?" trophy/achievement. Going to a certain area in the Highlands will prompt a brief appearance of a double rainbow... as well as an absolutely hilarious transmission from either Jack or Claptrap.
- What makes it even funnier is if you complete the game before finding it and get Handsome Jack, it makes it seem like he came back from the dead just to talk about a meme.
- Ever wanted to see Borderlands 2 abridged? Look at this video.
- The use of message templates is a running gag throughout the game.
- There was going to be a bandit vendor, and it had some pretty funny quotes. The two funniest are written down below for your hilarious convenience:Bandit: I smeared my diarrhoea on the handle! That's viral marketing!
Bandit: This cash will feed my children... TO ME!
- Handsome Jack's VA wins "Best Performance By A Human Male" during the 2012 Spike VGA's preshow:You're shitting me. (jaw drops, grins)
- Gearbox can even make their patch notes funny.- Deathtrap can no longer restore an enemy's shields, even though it was hilarious.
- Tediore weapons come with the perk that instead of putting a new clip in to reload, you toss them like a grenade and they explode. Tediore rocket launchers, however, fire the launcher as if it was a rocket.
- Some of the radio ads are just awesome!"Come on down to-
*WARNING: DOCTOR ZED IS NOT A REAL DOCTOR. SEE ALSO: PEPPER, DRE, OCTOPUS. PLEASE SEEK OUT AN ACTUAL LICENSED PHYSICIAN*
- Doctor Zed's!"
- The old Borderlands tradition of hilariously named weapons returns. One contender for "funniest weapon name" is the Hyperion "Bitch" sub-machinegun, returning from that position in the first game, which can result in the names: "Analytical Bitch," "Proactive Bitch," "Social Bitch," "Rightsizing Bitch," "Corporate Bitch," "Cutting Edge Bitch."
- Torgue is no slouch either in that department — say it with me, "Lumpy Bangstick."
- Or the (and it's actually spelled, punctuated and capitalized this way) derp Duuurp! which people will actually lug around because it's the most powerful randomly generated rocket launcher in the game.
- Torgue pistols with the Jakobs long barrel are known as "Rods". Possible prefixes for the Rod include Lumpy, Hard, Thrusting, Thick, and Double Penetrating.
- Torgue is no slouch either in that department — say it with me, "Lumpy Bangstick."
- Torgue rocket launchers. While most Torgue weapons have ludicrously manly names, their rocket launchers have names that can best be described as total gibberish.
- Tediore produces a Legendary shotgun called the Deliverance. Being a Tediore weapon, it's thrown when you need to reload it. What truly makes this weapon legendary in every respect is what happens thereafter. The gun will, through no apparent means, begin flying in the direction of the nearest enemy and firing the remaining shells in its magazine, before it explodes on impact with its target.
- The Mr. Torgue AMA mentioned above is pretty much pure hilarity. One of the highlights is a redditor posting a Shakespearean sonnet and asking Mister Torgue how it "deals with the relationship between time and love and explosions." Torgue replies with an edited sonnet of his own:My mistress' eyes are nothing like AN EXPLOSIONEXPLOSIONS ARE far more red than her lips' red;If snow be white, why then her breasts are NOT EXPLOSIONS BUT STILL PRETTY GREATIf hairs be DYNAMITE wires, black wires grow on her head.I have seen roses damask'd, red and white, WHAT DOES DAMASK’D MEANBut no such EXPLOSIONS see I in her cheeks;And in some EXPLOSIVES is there more delightThan in the EXPLOSIONS that from my mistress reeks.I love to hear her EXPLODE, yet well I knowThat EXPLOSIONS hath a far more pleasing sound;I grant I never saw a EXPLOSION go;My mistress, when she walks, EXPLODES on the ground:And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rareAs any she belied with false EXPLOSIONS
- Sometimes certain quotes can happen after a very specific one, and hilarity WILL ENSUE.Field Rat: AAAAHHH!!! AHHHH!!! I TASSSSSSTE DELICIOUSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Krieg: (entering Buzz Axe Rampage) WHO WANTS THE FIRST SLICE?!
Krieg reviving another player: LOOOOOOVVVVE YOOOOUUUU!!!
- Playing Co-op as two or more Kriegs can lead to this as well:
Krieg being revived: DON'T MAKE THIS WEIRD!(alternatively: STRANGER DANGER!!)
- As Salvador, dual wield both Morningstar and The Bane while using Shield 1340. To make this even better, Salvador doesn't shut up much while gunzerking anyway, and you'll be triggering all 3 of them all the time. As of Fight for Sanctuary, add in The Overcompensator for variety.
- For added effect, glitch both The Bane and Shotgun #1340 then switch to a pair of weapons with high fire rate and fast reload to create the ultimate cacophony.
- Handsome Jack's Reddit AMA.
- Someone on Reddit came up with an...interesting theory about the true nature of the Warrior.
- After you do a certain mission for Hyperion (who apparently has put up the white flag for this job), they give you a gun that berates you when you reload it. That moment is Evil Is Petty incarnate.
- Hammerlock describing Krieg's Raving Retribution skill, which lets him shoot fireballs at anyone who hits him while he's on fire:How does this happen? I've absolutely no idea, but by Jove it's bloody entertaining!
- Krieg was almost left out during the Valentine's Day skin event in 2014, getting his skin almost two weeks later. Gearbox posted Moxxi's explanation and apology, as well as Krieg's response. While some of the contents are sad (implying that Maya rejected his attention), the comedy whiplash comes when his insane outer personality refers to Moxxi as "Bosom Clown."
Captain Scarlett and Her Pirate's Booty
- The blatant parody of censorship in "I Know It When I See It."C3N50R807: I am the Censorbot. All lewd behavior must be stopped. A deviant known as P3RV-E is in possession of sexually explicit materials. Please murder him because morality.
- Generic pirate NPCs among Captain Scarlett's crew have some amusing lines, but one idle line in particular stands out:Pirate: I miss my kids. Wait, no, I don't.
- Then there's this gem from another pirate:
- Pirate: I wonder how my sister's doing. Still dead, probably.
- Scarlett's cook Mercer is an incredibly cold-hearted bastard. He claims that the number one killer of sand pirates is self-inflicted gunshot wounds, and when one occurs on his watch he's quick to say "Suck it up!" in a dismissive tone.Mercer: Don't worry about Murray. He'll be fine. Until he finds out I'M the one who killed his parents. But they were dicks, so, whatever.
- After you kill Sandman, Captain Scarlett chimes in on your ECHO and says she's at once disappointed that she didn't do him in herself, and happy that she was able to take the time to relax and read the latest issue of Crimefighter Frog.Scarlett: ...It's about a frog who fights crimes.
- Gearbox should not have been able to get a laugh out of "child-schmafficking" and "schmannibalism", but Aubrey Callahan III pulls it off.
Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage
- The intro to Mr. Torgue's Campaign of Carnage hilariously sets the tone of the DLC. The opening cutscene has Patricia Tannis make a broadcast to the Vault Hunters that she's found another Vault, then goes on an As You Know Techno Babble monologue, before the titular Mr. Torgue interjects:Mr. Torgue: BORRRRRRR-ING! You don't want to hear about that, Vault Hunter! You want to hear about loot, and pecs, and explosions! I'm Torgue, and I'm here to ask you one question, and one question only: EXPLOSIONS?!?!?! (Cue Explosion)
- Mr Torgue answers questions on Reddit. Hilarity, and pretty bizarre anecdotes ensue.
- Just about everything that comes out of Torgue's mouth in his DLC could end up on this page.
- "KEEP KILLING THOSE BANDITS WITH BULLETS SO THEY WON'T BE KILLED BY POISON BEER!"
- "You got all the bottles! Thanks for killing those bandits so the poisoned beer couldn't kill them OH SH*T I JUST REALIZED THAT MADE NO SENSE. God DAMMIT!"
- (After turning in that same mission) "WHY DID I THINK THAT PLAN MADE SENSE?!"
- "THIS MISSION REMINDS ME OF MY DAD! ALCOHOLISM DESTROYS FAMILIES!
- "WILL THE VAULT HUNTER'S EXPERIENCE BEAT OUT FLY BOY'S YOUTHFUL ARROGANCE AND NEW AGE SLANG? ALMOST CERTAINLY! BUT I'M GOING TO ACT OTHERWISE IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN DRAMATIC TENSION!"
- "IF YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, GRAB SOME AMMO! IF YOU'RE NOT, THEN THIS STATEMENT IS IRRELEVANT!"
- "LOTTA PEOPLE BEEN ASKING WHY MY VOICE BEEPS ALL THE F*CKING TIME. THE TORGUE STOCKHOLDERS WIRED MY VOICEBOX WITH A DIGITAL CENSOR SO I CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE SH*T, C*CK, P*SSY, AND F*CKIN' D*CKBALLS. THAT'S LIKE HALF MY F*CKING VOCABULARY! IT'S GODDAMN BULLSH*T!
- "HEY! I SEE A LOT OF YOU JUST STANDING AROUND NOT BLOWING STUFF UP! QUIT IT!"
- "AT THE SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION, IT WILL BE TORGUE O'CLOCK! *explosion sound Torgue makes with his mouth*
- (After visiting a Torgue Vending Machine) "THANKS FOR VIEWING OUR WARES, YOU BADASS MOTHERF*CKER!"
- (when Tiny Tina demands the Vault Hunters destroy the raisin cookie food dispensaries) "HOLY SKAGSUCK—SOMEONE'S BLOWING UP THE FOOD DISPENSARIES! IN A FEW MONTHS, ALL THE WORKERS WILL PROBABLY STARVE TO DEATH! (Beat) THAT IS AWESOME!"
- "THE VAULT HUNTER IS ATTACKING TORGUE SECURITY! HE'S LIKE A RENEGADE COP! A RENEGADE COP WHO DOESN'T PLAY BY THE RULES UNTIL HE'S GIVEN A ROBOT DOG PARTNER WHO HELPS HIM TRACK DOWN THE CRIME CARTEL THAT KILLED HIS FAMILY BUT NOT BEFORE TEACHING HIM A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT LIFE THURSDAYS AT NINE!"
- (In response to Mad Moxxi suggesting she should be allowed to remain on commentary because she's better at the "blow-by-blow") I CAN USE INNUENDO, TOO! TONIGHT'S FIGHT IS BETWEEN FLYBOY AND THE VAULT HUNTER! ... BLOWJOBS!
- Also, treat Moxxi nice. BECAUSE NOTHING IS MORE BADASS THAN TREATING A LADY WITH RESPECT!
- HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT ILLEGAL OFFWORLD DEATHMATCHES ARE ILLEGAL?!
- WHAT THE F*CK IS A REF?!
- THAT SENTENCE HAD TOO MANY SYLLABLES! APOLOGIZE!
- "YOUR FACE IS GONNA LOOK AWESOME ON RADIO!"
- Any time Torgue "plays you a sick guitar solo." MEEDLEYMEEDLEYMEEDLEYMEEDLEYMEEEEEEEOW!
- (Upon asking what will happen to the Torgue Arena once the tournament is over) OH, WE'LL PROBABLY GET A CONSTRUCTION TEAM TO COME IN AND CAREFULLY DISASSEMBLE IT AND — WHAT THE F*CK DO YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA DO?! WE'RE GONNA BLOW IT UP!!
- His vending machines are awesome, too.Torgue: (after buying something in the vending machine) NOW GO PUNCH SOME BAD GUYS IN THE DICK!!!
Torgue: TORGUE! EXPLOSIONS! EXPLOSIONS? TORGUE!!!
Torgue: NOW GO BLOW SOME SH*T UP!!!
Torgue: THANKS FOR BROWSING OUR WARES, YOU BADASS MOTHERF*CKER!!!
Torgue: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOT A PUSSY! NOW YOU'RE A BADASS!!!
Torgue: THAT'S THE BEST PURCHASE YOU EVER GODDAMN MADE!!!
Torgue: DO NOT BUY TORGUE GUNS IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO AWESOMENESS!!! Or poly-kryten plating.
Torgue: KEEP BUYING, MOTHERF*CKER, YOU HAVE MADE ME PROUD!!!
Torgue: TORGUE GUNS MAKE THINGS EXPLODE! ....END OF SALES PITCH!
- "KEEP KILLING THOSE BANDITS WITH BULLETS SO THEY WON'T BE KILLED BY POISON BEER!"
- During the mission in Campaign Of Carnage where you have to recover Moxxi's interview tapes, one of them has Tiny Tina suddenly barge in on the interview, taking charge of the show and interview Mr. Torgue, who answers her question like it really is her show, and then she ends it before skipping off. Moxxi, who had been trying to shoo Tiny away and get things back on track, makes this hilarious.Moxxi: So did you actually want to ask me the question or...?
Mr. Torgue: Tina said GOOD NIGHT Moxxi! SHOW'S OVER!
Tiny Tina: Why do bad things happen to good people?!
- Speaking of Tiny Tina, in the DLC, she has you doing a side mission that has you walking her new dog. By dog, she means a Badass fire skag. By walk, it means you have to RUN LIKE HELL with it right on your tail. On the third and fourth objective when you pass the areas, it is OHCRAPITSRIGHTBEHINDME and ICANFEELITSBREATHONMYNECK.
- Tina also acts as your trainer throughout the DLC. Her training regimen consists entirely of eating cookies. At least until she learns that the cookies are Oatmeal Raisin instead of Chocolate Chip, loses it, and has you blow up the vending machines.
- Let's just go back to the DLC's intro cutscene, and dwell on the fact that Torgue forced Patricia Tannis into being the Only Sane Man.
- A rather subtle one with Pyro Pete. He initially presented himself as an ax-crazy pyromaniac detalling what horrible things he'll do to you, yet Torgue kept butting in and overexplains Pete's plan. In each dialouge Pete slowly drops his character after each Torgue interruptions, and when you finally got into his lair you can tell that he is done.Pyro Pete: Ohhhhh noooo. It WAS a trap. This must come as an incredible shock to you. Burrrrn in helllll.
Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt
- The trailers for Sir Hammerlock's Big Game feature lots of glinting teeth... even from Zer0.
- Professor Nakayama attempts to terrify you by revealing his reputation. Hammerlock counters by pointing out that they don't know him, and that Remember the New Guy? is in full effect.
- Hammerlock giggling every time he says "dinghy."
- Nakayama is annoyed that you don't seem interested in fighting him, and ends up begging you to. Hammerlock decides this guy isn't going to shut up until you kill him, so sends you off to do so.Hammerlock: I've been hearing some strange radio chatter on the other side of Scylia Grove. Go there, stop whatever diabolical plan this Nakayama has in motion, and save the planet. (sighs) Again.
- Nakayama's Villainous Breakdown as you keep screwing up his plan and killing his men and monsters. Hammerlock tries to encourage him to act like a suave, in-control mastermind, but Nakayama is too busy freaking out and fearing for his life like any normal person would in his shoes.Nakayama: Luckily, I still have one last gene sample here at the ship, so the only way to put a stop to my plans is to come here and kill me! (beat) WHY DID I TELL YOU THAT!?
- Made even funnier with Hammerlock's retort.Hammerlock: What a rubbish evil genius you are. Good god, man, throw us some sarcastic taunts or something!
- Made even funnier with Hammerlock's retort.
- When you find the savages worshiping their idol. If you've been paying attention to the leaked info, you already know who it is: Nope! Not Jack.Hammerlock: Oh bloody hell.
Claptrap: Minion! Who told you I was vacationing out here?
- Nakayama's audio logs have some gems:Nakayama: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! I am going to clone Jack using a fearsome beast, then I'm going to use that beast to kill the Vault Hunters! The Terminus is about to touch down in Aegrus and—Terminus A.I.: Alert! Auto-pilot disengaged.
Nakayama: Are we crashing? WHY ARE WE CRASHING?!
Claptrap: My bad!
- The ending of the Big Game Hunt story When you confront Nakayama after killing Jackenstein, it looks like it's going to be a standard boss fight (you see the health bar on top of the screen and everything), only for Nakayama to fall down a flight of stairs and die. Then you get to loot his lab.
- After all, the final mission of the DLC is called "The Fall of Nakayama".
- One side mission ("I Like My Monsters Rare"), you're greeted by Thirstblood, one of the Tribal Savages you've been fighting in the DLC. He's actually pretty funny to talk to, and provides hilarious quips when killing the targets on his list, but it's his introduction that seals the deal:Thirstblood: WAKA NA-HENCHA MAKOLO- oh, wait. What am I doing? You don't speak Aegran. Sorry. I'm one of the native bandits you’ve been shooting at around here. Howyadoin'?
- After you kill a certain number of the rare enemies, he calls back.Thirstblood: Hey, have you considered not fighting my bandit brothers, and just letting us kill you and loot your corpse? Anyway, think it over.
- After you kill a certain number of the rare enemies, he calls back.
- The Yellow Jacket, a gun from Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt, is not yellow. Gearbox had this to say:"Now, you may notice that the gun isn't — how to put this — yellow. The reason for this is simple: the Hyperion designer who designed the weapon was violently colorblind. Worry not, though — after Hyperion management noticed this mistake, the designer was fired. Out of a cannon. Into a moon."note
- In the sidequest where you need to protect a monster because it has another Claptrap unit, you fight tooth and nail to protect it. At the end...Claptrap: (Elated) I finally found another Claptrap uni-(Cue Ol' Puckey barfing up the Claptrap body) Aw its dead. (Cue it exploding) And it exploded! Welp! Time to slink back into the comfy sweater that is my depression.
- Elite Savages may sometimes spasm uncontrollably when killed, or even fling themselves off mid death spasm, or their physics can turn off in a weird pose.
Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep
- Gearbox is giving out SHiFT codes for class mods from "Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon's Keep" DLC for each vault hunter in the form of Tiny Tina giving the six vault hunters letter of invitation.
- For Axton:Hey girl, I know the last time we were around each other you said some things you'd probably wish you could have taken back, and I threw some dynamite I might have wished to take back but let's bury the hatchet and forget the fact that you hate me, ... I'm pretty sure you're what literary scholars would refer to as a 'scrub' but anywayz, I'm hosting a game of Bunkers & Badasses and I made you this extra-special gift. So come to my party!
Or I'll cut you,
- For Gaige:Gaige Gaige Gaige
we should hang out more. You make robots, I make bombs. You got cute pigtails, I got cute pigtails. You killed one of your classmates, and I think it's really funny that you killed one of your classmates. Scientificmally I decided we should be best friends five-ever. Which brings me to the letter you're readin: I'm hostin a Bunkers & Badasses party and I made this present just for youuu! And I hear you're super into that stuff (bein the discerning lady of ultraviolence that you are, naturalmente). So lets hang out and swap stories about making people explode. It'll be greeeeat yaaay
- For Zer0:Look, I'ma be straight with you — I don't have a clue what you are or if you can read or if you're, like, a robot who just eats paper to survive so you maybe won't even bother reading this message before jamming it into your throat-hole, but I wanted to let ya know that I'm havin' a shindig and I wanted my favorite man/lady/alien/paper-hungry roboto/whateva Zer0 at the proceedins. We're gonna play Bunkers & Badassess! (game mastered by yours truly, thankyouverymuch) and I thought you might wanna join us. But if you eat the character sheets I will cut you deep.
- For Maya:Good morrow, milady!
If you ain't busy tryin to get Krieg to stop starin at you I thought you could come down and roll some dice. The new edition of Bunker & Badasses is out and I made a module that is if not off the chizzo, most definitionly chizzo-adjacent.
I made this gift to get you ready for the party and i hope you love it.
Also: you're real pretty and I like you do you like me
please mark one:
Yes  No 
- For Krieg:Hey Supafly Meat Boy,
I'm throwing a party and you're invited. It's going to be off the Chain. And cause i kinda dig ya, I made a thingy for you that you should definitely bring to my sick-ass Bunkers & Badassess party! We're gonna punch some imaginary orcs inn the face! Or, to put it in words you understand,MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT BLOOD MEAT CAKE.
Oh, and bring snacks.
love you bye,
- For Salvador:Sal, you so tinyyyyyy i love it.
I made this present for you because we tinymens have to look out for one another and cause i was hopin you'd come to my Bunkers & Badasses party and maybe let me stand on your shoulders while wearing a trenchcoat so i could know what it's like to be regular size. But if not just coming to the party is cool too!
Aaaaalso I may have designed all my dwarves to look kinda like you so don't be angry kaayyy love youuuu,
- For Axton:
- Brick showing his... feminine side in the new "Bunkers and Badasses" trailer.Tiny Tina’s Now, pick your characters. You got the Mechromancer, the Commando, the Siren—
Brick: Siren. Dibs. My Siren's name is "Brick" and she is the prettiest.
- Also, Brick's befuddled lack of understanding regarding the rules.Brick: I punch the initiative.
- When Mordecai asks why they are playing a kids game:Tina: Well, you know maybe because SHUT THE HELL UP, MORDY!
Lilith: TINA! She's right though, shut up.
- At the beginning of the DLC, you're sailing on a boat toward Flamerock Refuge. It's a lovely day, until Lilith points out that Tina mentioned that the Handsome Sorcerer ruined everything. It changes to eternal night, you hear spooky music, and the whole place begins to smell like "butts and dead people". Made better by the fact the character you're playing will comment that the place smells like butts and dead people.Krieg: SMELLS LIKE HOME!
New-U Station: You smell kind of like butts, and dead people.
- And then if you die fighting the first boss:
- Also at the beginning of the DLC, Tina throws a Hopeless Boss Fight at you from square one. When Lilith objects to this, Tina makes up a new boss on the spot. A skeleton named "Mister Boney Pants Guy".Skeleton: I am Mister Boney Pants Guy!
Tina: That better?
Brick: This pleases me.
- Further from the beginning of this DLC, the mission description explains how you're in a role-playing game, with Tina as your dungeon master. In other words, to quote the game:Mission Briefing: Basically, this means that you're currently in Tiny Tina's imagination. God help you.
- When you first meet Ellie, Lilith says that she will talk to her in character, and then clears her throat to do so. Whichever character talks to her in-game will say a line of dialogue, implying that's who Lilith's character is, meaning that theoretically, she could be playing as Krieg.Krieg: I'LL CRACK YOUR MIND AND BEAT YOUR PROBLEMS TO DEATH!
Maya: Good morrow, fair maiden. Does something trouble you?
- If you talk to her as Maya or Gaige, they'll both speak in character, meaning Lilith is playing a character playing a character. Yo dawg.
Gaige: "Hello lovely Lady. What is wrong?"
- Mr Torgue calling Tiny Tina in the middle of the game, and immediately demands to be put in. Tina obliges. That's right, folks: MISTER TORGUE IS BACK!!!Torgue: WOO! FANTASY WORLD!!! So I'm a gatekeeper, huh? In that case, you gotta prove your badassitude to get past me. First task: blow up the village's scouting blimps with a fire weapon. Because — REASONS!!!
Torgue: Their blimps are too far away for your guns. IT'S LIKE A PUZZLE!!!
Torgue: I just realized that this is the first time that we have met in person. YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE!!! note
Mr Torgue: NEW MISSION!!! I WANT YOU TO BLOW UP THE OCEAN!!!
Bar Patron: Alright, I'm sorry! I'll never say anything douchey again, I promise - bitch!
- He also asks you to kill someone who insulted Moxxi.
Torgue: THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. CHASE HIM DOWN. PUNCH HIM SO HARD HE EXPLODES.
Lilith: Gah! Tina, this makes NO sense — Torgue is ruining your campaign!
- And if you kill him with your melee attack? He does explode. Like, with fire.
Brick: (matter of fact) I'm having fun.
Torgue: MY BAD!
- After Roland the White Knight mentions that his blimp got blown up, Mr. Torgue abruptly chimes in with the following:
- After Mister Torgue gives you the first couple of quests, Tina agrees with Lilith that he's being a bit obnoxious, and uses her Bunker Master powers to drop him in the village stocks. He stays that way for the rest of the campaign. He's remarkably cheerful about it, though.
- In one sidequest, which ends with a mimic being the one who stole all of someone's loot, instead of the friends they accuse, Torgue had this to say in retrospect:
- Torgue: Wow, that quest was dark and ironic, a true look into the duplicitousness of interpersonal relationships. NOW GET BACK HERE SO YOU CAN EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL I JUST SAID.
- The Fake Geek Guy sidequest is filled with this and Lilith and Torgue's Hidden Depths.Torgue: WHAT, I CAN'T LIKE GEEK STUFF JUST CAUSE I LIKE TO TAKE CARE OF MY BODY?! DISCRIMINATIOOOOOON!!!
- A little bit about Lilith's past:Lilith: Look. When I was a kid, boys mocked me for two reasons: my tattoos and Bunkers and Badasses. I SUFFERED for my geekiness! You don't get to invade my culture just because it's cool right now!
Torgue: HOLY SKAGSUCK! REPRESSED ANGER MUCH?
- After you get the last question, Torgue fails to give an answer. When accused that he's not a real geek, he breaks down with this gem.Mr. Torgue: WHY CAN'T I BE A PART OF YOUR GAME! I'M JUST INTERESTED IN FANTASY AND SCI-FI AND UNICORNS AND S***! (Inelegant Blubbering)
Lilith: Oh, wow, I... I kinda feel like a dick.
- A little bit about Lilith's past:
- Also, Torgue's response to a certain weapon:Torgue: THAT GUN FIRES EXPLODING SWORDS! I DID NOT KNOW THE MEANING OF HAPPINESS UNTIL THIS MOMENT!
- Brick's reaction is great as well.Brick: THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER!
- Brick's reaction is great as well.
- The crumpets quest, which involves Lilith realizing that Tina has literally been eating nothing but crumpets for the past few years:Lilith: You haven't seriously been living on just crumpets for the past few years, have you?
Tina: I... do not understand the question.
Lilith: I brought food for lunch, you could—
- Lilith offers Tina a salad:
Tina: OH, GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!
Lilith: What? It's a salad—
Tina: WHY IS IT GREEN?! IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEVIL!!
Lilith: Just calm down—
Tina: It's staring at me!
Mordecai: Don't let her bite you too hard, Brick. If she gets a taste for blood, we're gonna have problems.
- Then Brick and Mordecai hold Tina down while Lilith force feeds her the salad.
Tina: I... you know what, girl, you make a good point. You get to live. For now.
- When Tina complains that the salad was tasty (and only adults find salads tasty), Lilith brings up the fact there's no such thing as adulthood, since she and two other adults just collected "a bunch of imaginary crumpets because they'd thought it'd be fun".
- When rolling initiative in regards to communicating with the Dwarf King, Brick rolls a perfect 20. And what does he do with it? Punch him! With a perfect 20 on that too!Handsome Sorcerer: Wait wait wait, are you- (Laughing) Are you fighting the dwarves? You're such an idiot! How did you morons manage that? You're so- so dumb! Thanks though!
Mordecai: You're killing me here, Brick. I'm getting taunted by a 13-year old girl doing the voice of a grown man.
- Later on you fight a Brainwashed and Crazy dwarf with a golden golem for a suit of armor. If you manage to break his mind control he'll thank you and start to give you the last MacGuffin you need ...before realizing you're the one who killed his king and attacking you anyway.Lilith: Damn it, Brick!
Brick: I said I was sorry!
- Later on you fight a Brainwashed and Crazy dwarf with a golden golem for a suit of armor. If you manage to break his mind control he'll thank you and start to give you the last MacGuffin you need ...before realizing you're the one who killed his king and attacking you anyway.
- At the end, Claptrap killing the mood of the ending.Marcus: (narrating) And they'd remember that no matter how bad things got, they were never truly alone so long as they had each other.
Claptrap: I love you guys.
Everyone: Ugh. (they all start complaining about Claptrap)
Marcus: And then Claptrap said something stupid and ruined everything.
- The Vault Hunters reach the Forest of Tranquility. Brick finds the name boring. So Tiny Tina changes it.You discovered: THE FOREST OF BEING EATEN ALIVE BY TREES
- The change from The Forest of Tranquility to The Forest of Being-Eaten-Alive-By-Trees is punctuated by a corpse dropping down on a noose. From nowhere.
- The Hyperion New-U Stations have new dialogue.Necromancy is the bestomancy!
Just think of me as your personal phoenix down!
When you play the Game of Vaults, you win, or you respawn and try again a few minutes later!
If you die in Tina's imagination, you die for real.
I am so sick of talking in this pleasant-ass voice!
- There's an entire sidequest where you have to smack around "Prince Jeffery". The best part is that the more you slap him, the funnier the stuff he says gets as he breaks down from an arrogant douchebag to a sobbing wreck.
- Just getting the quest is hilarious, because Roland is the guy who gives it to you. He even tells you that your mission is to "slap the bastard out of Jeffery".
- And then the kicker of Downton Abbey references for those who don't watch the above. It also happens to be Mordecai's favorite show.Brick: Oh my god, this show sounds stupid.Mordecai: You're stupid!
- The identity of the Queen. Butt Stallion.
- Especially since the entire time it seemed pretty obvious that Tina would make herself the queen of her own game, but nope.
- The crowner has to be Brick's reaction when he sees her. That he sounds about as happy as a schoolgirl as he says it seals the deal.Brick: She... is... beautiful!
- The quest Critical Fail: all three of the old vault hunters roll to pick up a gun. They get a 1 each time, and the results of the roll get more ridiculous each time. One involves the gun breaking all of your fingers (putting you to fight for your life mode).Axton: Ow! That'll teach me to pick stuff up!
Maya: Oh, that's bull! I'm REALLY good at picking stuff up!
Salvador: Holy crap! Seriously!?
Zer0: I broke my fingers. / What a ludicrous mistake. / Damned critical fails.
Gaige: GAH! CURSE YOU DAMNABLE FINGERS!!!!!
Krieg: THE FINGER PUPPETS ARE REVOLTING AGAINST ME!
Mordecai: ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?
- The third time, you roll so badly it turns into a monster and tries to kill you.
- And just for added hilarity: when you finally get and use the gun, it has a chance of slipping out of your hands when you reload. The characters even comment on this.Zer0: If only I had five fingers.
- When fighting the dwarves, Lilith eventually notices that Tina made them all look like Salvador. When she points this out...Tiny Tina: Yeah, I know, Free Lily. You think it's racist or somethin'? I'll ask Sal downstairs if HE thinks it's racist! HEY SALVADOR! IS IT OKAY IF ALL THE DWARVES IN MY CAMPAIGN LOOK LIKE YOU!?
Salvador: (from downstairs) That is awesome!
Tiny Tina: BOOYAH! Not racist.
- The vending machines get some hilarious ones too:Ye olde cha-ching!
Ye olde goodbye!
The night is dark, and full of treasures!
Now go shoot some wizards or something!
Why choose an honorable weapon, when you could buy a gun?
- A Running Gag is Tiny Tina giving Lilith various nicknames. Lilly of the Valley, Free Lilly, etc..
- Once you've killed the Ghost Kings, Roland dubs you a knight of "justice and cupcakes and stuff".
- If you talk to Roland outside of a mission, one of his random lines is:If you ask me why I'm the White Knight, I may have to punch you in the throat. Hey, just fair warning.
Roland: Yes. For shizzle.
- Heck, the fact that Roland talks exactly like Tiny Tina... only with Roland's voice.
- The "MMORPGFPS" sidequest. Especially anything 420_E-SPORTS_MASTA yells.420_E-SPORTS_MASTA: YOLOYOLOYOLOYOLOHASHTAGYOLO![720NoScope]Headshotz: VAULT HUNTERS ARE SO OP! (After being killed by you)
- When you turn it in Torgue yells "What is an e-sport?!"
- The quest "My Dead Brother". Simon the necromancer curses you, forcing you to find his brother's body just to make sure he's dead. Simon is a heartless asshole, and his brother Edgar is a stupid jock; they're both pretty hysterical charactersSimon: (as you look for Edgar's corpse) C'mon, Edgar, where are you? See, this is why you never get drunk before a murder. I definitely burned his house down, but I can't remember if I locked him inside first. Gaahhh, so irritating.
Edgar: Fraticide is the best-icide!
- After you find the body and Edgar is resurrected, you have the option of siding with him and killing Simon.
- Murderlin's tendency of emphasizing words... AT RANDOOOOOM!!
- The Sir Reginald quest. The riddle is a reference to the movie Darkman, but before the characters can solve it, Brick rolls by throwng down his die with such force that it smashes Reginald's figure. Tina chalks it up as an acceptable quest resolution.
- When you first meet Moxxi in the tavern, one of the patrons attempts to hit on her by comparing his manhood to that of a Vault Monster, to which Moxxi snarkily replies:
- You encounter a wizard in the game... who just happens to be Claptrap in a hat. He then attempts to channel Gandalf.Claptrap: YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!Staff blows up in his face and he falls over.
Mission Objective: Pass.
- He also gets a sidequest where you empower his magic staff, and he attempts to demonstrate his new power by creating a demon and slaying it. He instead creates legions of the brooms from Fantasia. Which then try to kill you.
- Best part of the mission is that with each attempt to destroy them, he ends up inadvertently doing the opposite, i.e. making them stronger. He then catches on and decides to intentionally make them stronger. This time, it works properly.
- When you find Angel in the dungeon, Brick once again wins the chance to talk to her. He suggests punching her. Mordecai is able to talk him down, and you unchain her. Then she turns into a drider and tries to kill you.Brick: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE PUNCHED HER! I TOLD YOU!
Handsome Sorcerer: Oh yeah, probably should have mentioned: I kinda trapped you in my dungeon so that you'd do exactly what you just did so- Have fun getting killed by my freakass daughter I guess!
- Doubles as a Brick Joke. Pun not intended.
- While running to the sorcerer's tower, your character thinks about what they're going to spend their reward money on once they save the queen.Axton: Guns and ladies. And sometimes dudes.
Gaige: Eh, maybe some guns. And, a Hecker circuit reintegrator. Those things are neat!
Maya: Lots and lots of books! And guns.
Zer0: I care not for cash. / I live for the true combat. / That said, I'll buy guns.
Salvador: Guns! And guns!
- One of the lines a Dwarf will say when you kill him is:Hi ho! Hi ho! It's off to Hell I go...
- Tiny Tina finds out just what they were beating up that Hyperion informant for:Maya: Hey guys, that spy just coughed up the access codes to the Hyperion moonbase. Anybody feel like blowing up a space station?
Tiny Tina: HELL YES I DO!
Ultimate Vault Hunter Pack 2: Digistruct Peak
- Patricia Tannis makes regular comments as players progress through Digistruct Peak, including some very meta ones regarding gear or enemies as well as her usual weirdness and Comedic Sociopathy.Tannis: (when opening a chest) If the chests give only white shields, blame Schrodinger and his zombie cat.
Tannis: (when Scorch appears) The Children of the Firehawk had Scorch killed for being a heathen. Being a god, however, he naturally respawned.
Tannis: (when the Black Queen appears) The Black Queen is not actually a queen, as spiderants have no formal system of government. I discovered this when I infiltrated them and attempted to run for Prime Minister.
Tannis: (when the Black Queen appears) The Black Queen is the Moxxi of the spiderant world. Were you an arachnid, upon looking at her chitinous plating you would bite your knuckle, inhale sharply, and whisper "damn" to everyone around you!
Tannis: (when smashing a Handsome Jack cardboard cutout) Hmm! Seeing you smash that Jack cutout filled me with a joy I normally only reserve for children falling down and hurting themselves.
Tannis: (when Dukino's Mom appears) Dukino's mother was the most terrifying creature the town of Lynchwood ever saw, next to Moxxi's archenemy, the nefarious Nipplemancer.
Tannis: (when Dukino's Mom appears) Oh! An update on Dukino himself. Crazy Earl will resume his attempts to domesticate him once Dukino pukes him arm back up.
TK Baha's Bloody Harvest
- Upon returning the brain candy to zombie TK Baha to help him deal with his brain craving:TK Baha: I'm gonna mash these candies into one big lump and pretend it's the brain of someone I don't like. Hehe, just kidding, there ain't nobody I don't like: They're all delicious.
The Horrible Hunger of the Ravenous Wattle Gobbler
- Torgue simply needs no introduction. He sells the entire DLC by himself.Torgue: QUESTION TIME! HOW ARE YOU DOIN' WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR DID YOU EVER SEE THAT ONE MOVIE ABOUT THE DOG WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL WHEN DID YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST KISS DID YOU EVER SEE THE SEQUEL TO THE DOG BASKETBALL MOVIE WHERE THE DOG WENT TO SPACE AND IF SO WHICH OF THE TWO DO YOU PREFER?
Torgue: (shouting) HEY! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN WHISPER SOME THINGS TO YOU IN SECRET! (whispering) Real talk: the Gobbler fight is rigged! The Torgue Board of Directors made the Gobbler unbeatable so it'd eat all the contestants and get us a buncha hits on the ECHOnet. But I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE CAUSE YOU'RE COOL. AND OH CRAP I'M NOT WHISPERING ANYMORE MY BAD.
Torgue: DAMN, THAT DOOR'S LOCKED! LET ME ACTIVATE MY REMOTE LOCKPICKING PROGRAM! (detonates a TorgueVision drone to blow open a hole in the door) LOCKPIIIIICK! MEEDLYMOWWWW!
Torgue: THIS IS TOTALLY GONNA GET ME FIRED AND I DON'T CARE!
Torgue: HOT DIGGITY ***! THOSE DUDES DIDN'T STAND A CHANCE! YOU ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR THEM BUT THEN YOU START LAUGHING BECAUSE YOU WERE TECHNICALLY ACTING IN SELF-DEFENSE SO SCREW THEM!
Torgue: VIOLENCE DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING EXCEPT FOR ALL THE THINGS IT DOES.
Torgue: I RAN OUT OF EXPLOSIVES, SO I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO OPEN THIS DOOR REMOTELY WITHOUT BLOWING IT UP. (releases explosives) PSYCHE!
Torgue: WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR, I BLOW IT THE *** UP!
Torgue: TANNIS TOLD ME THAT A SINGLE SLAGGED JABBER GLAND WOULD BE ENOUGH TO KILL A MONSTER THE SIZE OF A PLANET, SO GET A FEW MORE!
- President Smith explains his actions to Mr. Torgue:President Smith: You know why we made the Gobbler invincible, Torgue? So YOU could kill him. After dozens of failed attempts by other contestants, YOU were supposed to finally kill it on camera, while wielding our most EXPENSIVE guns. You would have looked like a hero!
Torgue: WHY BE A HERO WHEN YOU COULD EAT ONE?
President Smith: You are the dumbest person in the world.
President Smith: This is your last chance, Torgue. Call this off or you're out of the company!
Mr. Torgue: WHATEVER! I'LL JUST WORK FOR MOXXI AND BLOW THINGS UP PRO-BONER!
- That isn't to say he's alone. Grandma Flexington is a riot and a half just being there with her own sidequest... which is to listen to one of her stories about how she wrestled a whalesquid to the ground and punched it in the eye to make an impression on it, but keeps getting sidetracked with different facts about herself and her grandson. She even stops to double check if you're paying attention by asking one of five randomized questions about something she's mentioned already. And your reward? Some XP and one single dollar. It's then capped off with the fact that there is a second quest you unlock afterwords; Grandma Flexington's Story: Raid Difficulty.
- The Raid Difficulty has her outright recommend bringing friends beforehand, complete with a confirmation that you want to sit down and listen. The resulting story goes on for a total of sixteen minutes, and includes her thoughts on ECHO Sims (read: video games), food preferences, family traditions, and a screenplay she's been writing about a Valkyrie trying to find love on the battlefield. And everyone needs to stay huddled up near her, because if a single one of you wanders off, she cuts it short reasoning that you have better things to do. This fails the quest and you need to start over again from the beginning.
- If you for some reason get restless and shoot at the Torguevision cameras floating around, you may attract the attention of enemies in the kitchen just a room over. This presents its own problems. One, if you alt-tabbed out, you may just find one or all of your teammates having died, which Grandma Flexington takes as leaving the room. Two, if you're playing a close-range character like Anarchy Gaige or Krieg, you may find yourself low on options to deal with the enemy, and are now trying to fight for your damn life just to listen to a grandma tell stories.
- Once she gets on a tangent about a favorite candy of hers, she asks you to track one down. As in, go back to the Stabber Jabber farm and get it, which involves fighting your way back through some of the chefs, Tributes and Stabber Jabbers for it. Once you're back, you're now to continue with another story. You're in it for the long haul, Vault Hunter.
How Marcus Saved Mercenary Day
- The singing Psycho in Gingerton and his off-kilter lyrics.
Mad Moxxi and the Wedding Day Massacre
- The unique dialogues each of the Vault Hunters has for each situation. Especially Krieg:Krieg: MORE JUICE!
Krieg: BUT I ORDERED GOAT'S BLOOD!
Krieg: THE TINY ONE AND THE SAD-FACED MOTHER AND THE BLUE TATTOO FOREVER AND EVER!
Krieg: DON'T ASK ME TO SHOW YOU NORMAL!
Krieg: WIG PLEASE!
Krieg: BLAME INNUENDOBOT, NOT THE MEAT MAN!
Krieg: SLATHER MY PECS TO A SHEEN AND BURN MY EYES OUT WITH THEIR BRIGHTNESS!
Krieg: NEGATIVE NANCY HAD A THROAT BEFORE I TORE IT OUT!
- Salvador saying something that might allude to his cannibalism... only for it to turn into how he hates going to the store and buying food. This is apparently enough to make a baby cry.
- Gaige gives us these little gems when she drinks the whiskey:Gaige: Geeueuhh. I can't feel my face.
Gaige: Considering the drinking age here is probably, like, birth, I guess it's okay to drink this stuff.
- When the Vault Hunters are trying to make the baby cry:Axton: Sometimes you'll try to make people laugh by using a meme from the ECHOnet, but instead they'll track you down and set fire to your house. Look forward to that.
Gaige: Ugh. Country music exists.
Krieg: YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD, SO DEAD-DEAD-DEAD-DEAD!
Maya: Everyone will tell you small lies, except the people you love, who will tell you large ones.
Salvador: Sometimes you'll be, like, hungry? But there won't be any food around, so you'll have to, like, get up and go all the way to the store and buy some.
Zer0: Life is very short / One day you will grow older / And then you will die.
- What sells Maya's line is how doting she sounds.
- In order to break into the Zaford's family's beer cellar, the Vault Hunters have to encourage a nearby Loader with low self-esteem (who's girlfriend happens to be in there) to break open the doors and save her. This sounds utterly ridiculous, but yes it happens.
Axton: Let's go save her, man! Chicks dig heroes. Just ask my wife. Well, ex-wife. Whatever. Point still stands.
- Axton, Zer0, and Krieg try to be helpful;
Zer0: If your love awaits / Why are you standing out here? / Let's save her. Stupid.
Krieg: SHE'S WAITING FOR A SUCKLE AT THE TEAT OF EXPLOSIVE CHIVALRY!
Maya: I know almost nothing about romance, so please pretend I just said something really inspiring about "The Power of Love"...
- Maya, Salvador, and Gaige however... don't even bother and but still succeed in their goal anyway.
Salvador: Blah Blah Blah, love conquers all, blah blah, romance, blah open the frigging door.
Gaige: Honestly? If she didn't follow you out here, maybe she doesn't want to be with you. That said; I need to get inside, so you should totally save her or whatever.
- Later in the DLC, Innuendobot tries to woo Moxxi with a can of grease.Moxxi: (deadpan) Vault Hunter, go kill Innuendobot.
- The entire reason you're trying to make a baby cry in the first place. In order to keep the titular wedding afloat, Moxxi sends the Vault Hunters to fetch ingredients for a love potion: something new, something old, something borrowed, and something gold. Ellie's brilliant idea to kill two birds with one stone is to steal - sorry, "borrow" - a baby to count as "something new" and "something borrowed". Ellie then tries to convince the Vault Hunters to use the entire baby in the potion, before relenting and having them use its tears instead. Moxxi is decidedly unhappy about this once she finds out what the ingredient is, and makes the Vault Hunters return the baby before starting the wedding.
- The baby itself resembles a miniature Goliath with the signature helmet, albeit in baby clothes, implying that it's the baby the bride and groom - also Goliaths - lost before the Vault Hunters showed up.
- While initially a heartwarming moment as you get the two to kiss and make up, they realize that they can't kiss through their masks... and since they're Goliaths, this means that after kissing, they proceed to go ballistic and try to beat everyone to death. Innuendobot realizes this problem immediately and exits with a Rapid-Fire "No!".
Sir Hammerlock vs. the Son of Crawmerax
- Mordecai's new pet, Talon, getting a little bitey on Lilith. She still finds it adorable, though.Mordecai: Heh. I think he likes you.Lilith: Awww. Are you sure? Because heeee is biting pretty hard ow owowowow he's drawing blood.Mordecai: Oh crap. I'll get him off —Lilith: No he's too cute ow ow ow I love him.Brick: Damn girl, you weird as hell.
- Drunk Varkids. That is all.
- A savage's response to being a called a savage by Sir Hammerlock:Savage: Hey man. Don't call me a savage!
Sir Hammerlock: Oh, you speak English? I thought -
Savage: I graduated from Eden-4 Megaversity with honors. Check your privilege, dick.
- Brick, Lilith, and Mordecai reminiscing about killing Crawmerax over and over again, even mentioning the glitched ledge that many players exploited to farm him.Lilith: Good times... good times...
- Both the Vault Hunters reactions to hearing about "The Son of Crawmerax", and the ENTIRETY of the "Victims of Vault Hunters" quest.
Salvador: Crawme-WHAT?! (Laughs) That's not a name!!Axton: Thaaaat... ...Means nothing to me.Maya: Sorry, son of who?Gaige: Son of a what-a-whaaat?Krieg: WHAT?!?! I HAVE NO SON!!
- For the first part, every Vault Hunter has a baffled reaction to the word "Crawmerax".
- For the second part, the quest starts out with Sparky Flynt (son of Captain Flynt) hiring six bounty hunters, each assigned to hunt a specific Vault Hunter, and each with a different reason for wanting that Vault Hunter dead. Except they're all killed off by various other assassins looking out for the Vault Hunters, causing Sparky to enter a Villainous Breakdown, and the Vault Hunters to crack various quips about how each bounty hunter snuffed it.
Axton: Oh good, I hated that guy. Kinda weird he just randomly exploded though. Don't remember that in basic.
- Axton's assassin got a blown up from a remote detonator, which Zer0 theorizes was triggered from space. Only his feet are left.
Maya: And that's why you never take orders. If I'm gonna get blown up, I wanna get blown up for my own reasons.
Gaige: HA! SUCK IT Holloway family! Even if your hitman hadn't fallen out of the sky for some weirdass reason, I woulda taken them out anyway! I killed Handsome friggin' Jack! You think one little assassin can take me down!? BOOYAH! Also, sorry I killed your daughter.
- Gaige's assassin, Marcie Holloway's uncle, crashed into the ground from the sky. Gaige responds with bragging.
Axton: Old school. I like it.
- Maya's assassin, the father of Brother Sophis, got poisoned and left on a chair. Pretty mundane compared to the rest, but Axton's impressed by it at least.
Sparky: Uh, everyone. You killed his entire bandit clan, Sally. All hundred and fifty of them.
- Salavdor's assassin, Blendo, wants vengeance on Sal for killing his entire bandit clan. You can hear Sparky pause and look through his notes over the ECHO to try and specify who or how many of them he killed.
Salvador: That was a fuuuun weekend.
Salvador: Aw man! The last of the Chung clan and he got killed before I even showed up!? Worst. Day. Ever!
- Speaking of Blendo, he got hanged up a tree. Much to Sparky's anger and Sal's disappointment.
Sparky: Next guy, who's probably frigging dead already, is a Hyperion scientist named Clements. He wants Krieg cause you killed some dudes when you escaped or something I don't even care at this point!
- It is at this point where Sparky just gives up and fully expects the last two assassins to be dead.
Sparky: Yeah. Great. Figures.
- And as it happens, Clements found dead on a table with a whole lot of needles sticking on him.
Axton: This guy piss off a doctor or something?
Gaige: And that's why winners don't do drugs.
Maya: What am I uh... what am I looking at?
- The final assassin is (was) out for Zer0 because of... reasons Sparky didn't understand at all. Surprise, surprise, he's dead too. Impaled on a bunch of poles in a manner that just confuses everybody except Zer0.
Zer0: I understand it / A message sent and received / Mercy is coming.
- At the end of the quest, Sir Hammerlock gives the player an individualized note from a person who helped with assassinating the Victims of the Vault Hunters. Zer0's is as such.Zer0: "To Zer0: 0ne." Well, that's irritatingly cryptic.
Maya: Huh. I'm attractive?
- Turns out even Zer0 can have limits on the mysticisms.
- Maya's is written such a technical mode of speech to the point where it's most speculated to be Tannis who wrote it, because no one else talks like that. It also describes her as "Disgustingly attractive". Maya's take on it.
Commander Lilith and the Fight for Sanctuary
- The prologue sequence ends on one: Hector approaches the Vault Key, makes dramatic talk about how he'll 'change the world'...and then realizes there's a soda in the Key.Hector: Whose soda is this?
- When visiting the wreckage of Helios station while on a quest for Tiny Tina, Tina has an unusually pensive moment where she actually drops her usual tone to privately admit to the Vault Hunters that her outlandish jokes and outbursts are probably a defense mechanism for all of the crap she's been through. Then the player characters suddenly end up in a fight with a giant loader, which in a Call-Back to Saturn, is named Uranus. Cue Tina laughing her ass off, for nearly a full minute.
Tina: Oh my god I just read the mission objective and it's happening again! [raucous laughter resumes]note
- And then, once you destroy Uranus...
- Also, the fight takes place in The Arsenal.
- Tina sends you on a Fetch Quest to get assorted items to build a missile with to launch at Hector's bunker, complete with a decorative dragon mounted on top of it. One quick visual gag is that as soon as the missile is about to launch, a second similarly-equipped missile pops up out of a side compartment because Tina evidently couldn't help but to build another one to launch for the hell of it.
- Said missile is several times larger than the one you were helping her build, which is then tacked onto the larger missile like an accessory.
- Hector spends most of the DLC talking trash at Lilith about how lacking she is as a leader, and is generally unconcerned with your attempts to regroup and stop his plot. Cue the Helios Moonshot cannon lobbing Tina's missile at the entrance to his bunker:Hector: What in the hell is going on down there?(Massive explosion reduces the bunker entrance to rubble)Hector: Goddammit.
- During the quest to rescue Buttstallion, Tina runs off ahead.Mordecai: Yeah, it's gonna be dangerous in there.
Tina: Shut up, Mordy-mom!Mordecai: Tina, what the hell?!Brick: Hey, don't talk to your mother like that!Mordecai: You're not helping!
- More adventures in Mordecai and Brick being Tina's surrogate parents:
- Claptrap's side mission has him hiring you to collect BECHO wafers to create a new currency which he'll stockpile making him rich. At the ends Claptrap calls Lilith and loudly declares he's rich and quitting the Crimson Raiders, Lilith responds with no emotion at all. A few seconds later Claptrap realizes the BECHO wafers are worthless and calls Lilith back to pathetically beg to be let back into the Crimsons Raiders, she responds with no interest again.Lilith: 'Kay.
- Also, the place you collect BECHO wafers at is called the Veiny Shaft.
- Scooter's final mission "Space Cowboy", while bittersweet, has a lot of funny moments.
- The bulk of the mission is forcing the Vault Hunter to collect Scooter's old spank mags and find someone to donate them to. Moxxi calls up a couple of people and asks them if they want the magazines, and naturally they all decline.
- In a complete aversion of The Tape Knew You Would Say That, Scooter incorrectly predicts when the Vault Hunter is going to the bathroom.Scooter: Now this time, I'ma predict that y'all took a quick boomer break in the dookie hut. Like right now, right when you're listen' to this. Enjoy that dook y'all!
- The Echonet Logs of the future Vault Hunters have their moments especially FL4K's.
- Brick decides to give gardening a shot. Only he uses blood instead of water and his idea of fertlizer is using body parts.note At his "garden", there are bodies of bandits being buried upside down and covered with wines. If the player activates the valve, one of them starts to grow.