- Series 1
Agnes: Fie upon you, I am not your mother, I am a piece of linen, and my children are all naughty little napkins. Now leave me, I am waiting for my husband to return, and he's a terribly dashing double-pleated curtain.
- Agnes Bin's madness.
Pip: But mama... father is dead.
Agnes: Yes. I may have to wait some time. HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA!
Hardthrasher: Right, let's see if we can't burn the lunacy out of these madness addled insane-o-nauts.
- Psychiatric care, Victorian style.
Pip: Get out of my house!
- Pip and Mr. Benevolent's face-off in episode 5, when Pip finds him irritating Pippa:
Mr. Benevolent: No.
Pip: Then we are at a stalemate. ... damn.
Sir Phillip: I will put your bag somewhere the sun does not shine! Servewell, put this bag on a train to Scotland!
- Sir Phillip gets fed up of Sourquill fumbling with his overly-elaborate bag, and has Servewell get rid of it:
Mr. Parsimonious: Dear Pip: Ow, ow, ow. I fear Mr. Benevolent has discovered my secret letter writing, and is holding my ear in some tongs.
- The entire "secret letter" runner.
Pippa: Dear Pip, just letting you know I've found a spare pen.
- And then the letter-writing gets more ridiculous:
Mr. Benevolent: Just letting you know I've told Pippa to give me the pen or I shall kill Parsimonious.
Pippa: Just letting you know I'm going to do that, then.
Mr. Benevolent: She's done that, and I've said "good". Oh, must dash, as someone is dramatically hurtling through the window.
Harry: I'll be fine, I've got loads. Well, two. One now.
- Harry killing Judge Hardthrasher by crapping out his own kidney. Not to mention his nonchalance about it.
Thomas Bin: In a word? Opium. In three words: Lots of opium.
- Thomas Bin explaining where he's been.
Pip: Look, a penguin flying above the altar!
- Pip distracting Mr. Benevolent in their duel:
Mr. Benevolent: What? A penguin, flying? But they're supposed to be flightless. Such an ornithological improbability I have to see, even though it will leave me perilously off-guard for a second!
Harry: Mr. Benevolent is finally dead!
- And then Harry does him in:
Pippa: Are we sure this time?
Harry: Well, I'm sitting on him, and I weight forty-seven stone. And I'm naked, remember, so the embarrassment alone will be enough to kill him.
- From series 2:
Sir Phillip: You remind me of a two-headed cow.
- Sir Phillip telling Sourquil how he feels about him.
Sourquill: I am a surprising miracle of nature?
Sir Phillip: You are one of God's great mistakes and you make me feel quite ill.
Sourquill: Only feeling ill is an improvement. At our wedding, you were actually ill.
Pip Bin: Mr. Benevolent, why are you so evil?
- While close to death, Pip Bin hallucinates seeing Mr. Benevolent:
Mr. Benevolent: Because every day, I take two evil pills, and some naughtiness supplements.
Pip: And why have you got the head of a purple lion?
Mr. Benevolent: (growls)
Pip: ... good answer.
Reverend Fecund: In her presence, farm animals would die, and the last words on their pig or cow lips would be "ugly! Ugly! Ugly!"
- Reverend Fecund's treatment of Ripely is cruel. But his sheer malicious glee in telling everyone about it is another thing.
Pip: Hang on a second. Are you even alive?
- Pip ranting at an MP for seven hours before twigging that he might not be alive.
Sir Phillip: In fact, he was not. He was in fact dead. It was an easy mistake to make. The glassy stare, the utter immobility... these were all normal attributes of parliament.
Mr. Benevolent: If you are elected, it would foil my plans of corrupting parliament for my own ends. ... you didn't hear that.
- During the by-election for Poverty St. Mary and Dreadfulness North, Mr. Benevolent intervenes.
Speaker Whackwallop: The answer is simple... I hate you.
- Pip, armed with a secret weapon, confronting the corrupt Speaker of the House of Commons, who sides with Mr. Benevolent and at this point is well drunk.
Pip Bin: And why do you let Mr. Benevolent get away with everything?
Speaker Whackwallop: 'cuz I love him, he's my best mate.
Pip Bin: What is he planning?
Whackwallop: I shall never tell!
Sir Phillip Bin: Now was the moment. Reaching into my pocket, I withdrew my secret weapon.
Pip Bin: Not even for this... kebab?
Whackwallop: You're alright, you are. Giz it 'ere.
Pip Bin: How much would it cost not to hang us?
- "An arsonist, in parliament? We usually only allow frauds, liars and talentless egomaniacs!"
- Facing down an angry mob of MPs, Pip Bin decides to appeal to their highest principles:
Mr. Benevolent: You dare bribe Parliament?! Though we would be willing to take an expense for not hanging you.
Confucius Whackwallop: Welcome to my... "restaurant".
- The... "restaurant" scene.
Pip Bin: Why are there people sleeping on the floor?
Whackwallop: That is because they are... "full."
Pip Bin: Hang on... this is an opium den! Hence all the winking! And the opium!
- Even Pip manages to catch on eventually. Though the deck is pretty stacked in that regard.
Whackwallop: Sir is most astute. Would you care for a "liqueur"?
Pip Bin: Do you mean opium?
Whackwallop: You're catching on.
"Bagel": (with ludicrously exaggerated Jewish accent) You are just in time for ten o'clock Mass.
- "Would you care for some complimentary prawn crack?"
- "Abraham Bagel".
Pip Bin: Mass? I thought you were Jewish.
"Bagel": Why would you think that? Oy vey! Sorry, one of the boys is called Vey, he keeps messing around.
Pip Bin: Good day, the weather seems clement.
- "Yes, we're not all money-grabbing Catholics like the books portray."
- The cockney thief boys and their subtle method of absconding with people's stuff. First, Pip Bin distracts them.
Man: Yes, the clementest day for a while.
Thieves: NICK IT! NICK IT! NICK IT!
Man: I say, you don't think someone subtly absconded with my wallet and watch, do you?
Pip Bin: Mr. Benevolent!Mr. Benevolent: Of course it's me, I haven't even been doing the accent the last two weeks!
- And Pip still doesn't catch on.
- From series 3:
Pip: This salmon is a little overdone.
- Mr. Benevolent's cruel and unusual tortures of Pip.
Mr. Benevolent: Have some wine.
Pip: But this is red wine! With fish! You fiend!Sir Phillip: His torments grew crueller. First, he would give me the latest best-selling novels, then spoil the ending.
Mr. Benevolent: By the way, the first Mrs. Rochester still lives in the attic.
Pip: I WAS ENJOYING THAT!
Pip Bin: How did I not notice?Mr. Benevolent: Do you know I have genuinely no idea?
- When Mr. Benevolent reveals his latest disguise:
Pip: And was this new stepdad cruel to you as well?Mr. Benevolent: He was.Pip: Mega!
- In "An Evil Life Sort of Explained", Pip takes a malicious glee in hearing about Benevolent's terrible childhood.
Mr. Benevolent: I am descended from Judas Iscariot? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!(Beat)Mrs. Benevolent: ... no. You are not descended from Judas Iscariot, you are descended from his accountant.
- Mother Benevolent revealing to Gently the truth of his origins:
Urchin: 'ere, mister, don't the bride look beautiful?Gently: She does.Urchin: Bet you wish you could marry a cracker like that.Gently: (strained) That would've been nice.Urchin: But, some other bloke's gone and done it.Gently: I know.Urchin: And now you never will.Mr. Benevolent: (narrating) And at that moment, with that boy's words, said in such a whiny accent, all my misery settled on me like snow, and I became evil. I punched the boy.
- "I am evil because of tax evasion? Slightly Smaller Noooooooo!"
- Mr. Benevolent's true Start of Darkness: After a miserable childhood, with abusive stepfathers, murdered friends, and just narrowly escaping Antarctic House, he gets back just to be told his childhood sweetheart is marrying another man, and he has just enough time to stop the wedding... were it not for her guardian wasting his time just long enough. Not having the heart to ruin her wedding, he hides around a corner, where an urchin finds him.
Ripely: Everyone knows the old nursey rhyme: "Undead Georgie felt no pain, till Isabelle destroyed his brain!"Pip: What the hell... kind of a nursery rhyme... is that?
- Ripely killing a zombie. And Pip's reaction to Ripely killing a zombie.
Pippa: Today, I put less postage on a parcel than its weight demanded! ... alsoikilledabishop.
- Evil Pippa proves how evil she is:
Pip: Pretty sure that covers both ends of the evil spectrum.
- From series 4:
Sir Phillip: A device. Oh, joy and ecstasy with a cherry on top.
- Sourquill still hasn't caught on how Sir Phillip feels about his devices:
Sir Phillip: NO! Misery and wretchedness with a dead badger on top!
Sir Phillip: Of course, in those days, counselling wasn't as developed as it is now...
- Harry and Pippa go to marital counselling, Victorian style.
Counsellor: (calmly) So, Harry, how do you feel?
Harry: Well, I feel hurt, and betrayed-
Counsellor: WRONG! You are man! You feel nothing! (goes back to being calm) And Pippa, what do you feel?
Pippa: Well, I think-
Counsellor: WRONG! You are a woman! Science tells us you cannot think!
Pip: What devilry is this... "Holby City"?Mr. Benevolent: Enjoy!
- Pip in Hell, subject to the worst torments Mr. Benevolent can devise - first, a ren picks at his spleen. Then a cat claws at his lap. Then his tie is tied too tied, and his trousers too lose, and finally, a strange, flickering screen is placed in front of him...
"Edgar Allen Twain": This is mah associate, Miss Trixie-Belle Calico Candy.
- "Ah, cat! Ah, spleen! Ah, tie! Ah, trousers! Oh, for goodness sake, that's not how a person talks in a real medical emergency!"
- Mr. Benevolent's latest disguise being nearly undone by his new Saucy Evil Consort.
"Trixie": Hello, dear brother.
"Edgar Allen Twain": Alas, she is mute.
"Edgar Allen Twain": Oh, yes.
"Trixie": Hello, Ripely!
- Pippa still takes a while to catch up, when an amnesiac Ripely shows up.
Ripely: Do I know you?
"Edgar Allen Twain": Nope, and she is for the last time mute!
"Edgar Allen Twain: Mute!
"Trixie": (murmured apology)
Mr. Benevolent: Right, high noon. Time to die, Pip Bin.(Beat)(Another beat)Mr. Benevolent: Any second now.(Yet another beat)Mr. Benevolent: Noon approaches.(One more beat)Mr. Benevolent: Oh, for goodness's sake. What time is it?Randolph Grimpunch: Just gone half past nine.
- Mr. Benevolent's attempts to shoot Pip Bin at High Noon run into a little problem.
Pippa: Ninety-three wives, Harry?
- Pippa learning that, in her absence, Harry wound up marrying ninety-three different women.
Harry: Pippa, you left me for Mr. Benevolent!
Pippa: Yes, but.... ninety-three!
Mr. Benevolent: She's a dinosaur. Wouldn't it be wrong?Harry: I've asked myself the same thing.Mr. Benevolent: Get a grip, Gently. She's a dinosaur!
- Mr. Benevolent and Harry being very disturbed by Juanita Hotchille's attractiveness even when she's a dinosaur.
Harrysaur: Now that I'm a dinosaur... how about it, Juanita?
- After being dinosaur-ised, Harry decides he's got a chance.
Juanitasaur: I am sorry, Harry, but you are a very ugly dinosaur, whereas I am a very hot dinosaur.
Sir Phillip: She used subtle manipulative techniques.
- The heroes getting a Paper-Thin Disguise to work for them for once, via Pippa's (admittedly impressive) Mr. Benevolent impression.
Pippa: (imitating Mr. Benevolent) Guards, move away.
French Guard: Okay, Monsieur Bein-Voluvant, because even zhough you look like a lady in a big cloak, your voice is formidablé.
French slave: Zees is workplace bullying!
- The Grimpunch of the week pointing out the obvious in working in a mine:
Pasqual Grimpunch: You are slaves in a mine! Workplace bullying is basically the point!
- Pasqual Grimpunch doesn't mind death by cheese. "To die, swept away by cheese... this is every Frenchman's dream!"
- From series 5:
Pippa: Hang on... are we sure the accent isn't racist?
- At the end of Chapter the First, everyone pointing out Mr. Benevolent's disguise is really un-PC.
Mr. Benevolent: What? I may be evil, but that is a horrible accusation!
Pip Bin: It was a teeny bit dodgy.
Mr. Benevolent: Well it was supposed to be Welsh, but the accent kept drifting.
Clampvulture: You want some (long pause, as the audience laughs) exploring?
- Captain Clampvulture soliciting explorers, helped by Geoffrey Whithead's utterly deadpan delivery, and the timing.
- Pip and Gently's Foe Yay soars to new heights, reaching Chapter the Fifth, when they actually are a couple. Right in front of Ripely.
- Evil Harry's method of destroying the world. Naturally, it involves swans. Lots of swans.
Funny / Bleak Expectations