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Funny / Beware the Batman

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As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

  • Alfred attacks Bruce with a baseball bat in the morning to make sure Bruce can take care of himself. During the attack, Alfred accidentally destroys one of the paintings in the hallway.
    Bruce: Tell me that's not the real Van Gogh.
    Alfred: A copy. The real painting is safely locked away. I'll have your room in the hallway cleaned by this afternoon.
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  • Professor Pyg correcting Mr. Toad on Batman's name.
    Mr. Toad: Boss! It's the Bat Guy!
    Professor Pyg: It's Batman, Toad. Remember, respect our enemies.
  • When Mr. Toad knocks out Alfred:
    Professor Pyg: I say, this isn't Bruce Wayne. I believe you sacked the butler.
    Mr. Toad: I was sure that was Wayne.
    Professor Pyg: I told you to get your eyes checked. Retinal deterioration is the number one cause of blindness in amphibians.


  • After Bruce tells Tatsu she can go grab a coffee or something while he meets with Dr. Ravencroft, so long as she isn't late in picking him up:
    Tatsu (angrily): "Don't be late." (Takes a calming breath) Just breathe. Remember, you're only working for this "marshmallow" temporarily. (Beat) I need to punch something.


  • While Batman goes after Anarky, Alfred deals with Daedalus and Junkyard Dog by controlling the Batmobile from the Batcave with what looks like a video game controller.
    Alfred: And I actually thought he was going to let me really drive this once.
    (Alfred starts having trouble dealing with Daedalus and Junkyard Dog)
    Alfred: Aw, bother! I might as well try them all and hope for the best. (presses all the buttons on the controller at the same time)
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  • Tatsu calling Bruce a geek when she discovers his library.
    Tatsu: A secret elevator to a private library. Not only does this guy have too much time and too much money, he's a geek, too.


  • Everything that happens between Tatsu and Jason Burr, except for the occasional serious moments.
  • This conversation between Tatsu and Batman.
    Tatsu: I don't need an ethics lesson from a nut dressed up like a bat.
    Batman: Too bad. You just got one.
  • Bruce's reply to Tatsu's concern for Dr. Burr after Bruce states he's leaving for a hot date.
    He's not my type.
  • When Alfred talks about Bruce's clothes for his hot date:
    Alfred: A shirt that expensive, I'm surprised the cuffs don't loot themselves.
    Tatsu: You can't buy class.
  • Batman's remark after he gets through the mansion's security.



  • What Bruce purchased at a Chinese medicine shop:
    Alfred: Uh, Bruce? Exactly what did we just purchase in there?
    Bruce: Hormone-free bovine glands. I'm experimenting with my body's need for sleep. Currently, it's four hours and I'd like to get it down to two. Certain glands are rich in adrenals.
    Alfred: Very good. I look forward to blending it up for you.
  • Alfred smirking at Bruce for getting a date with Dr. Ravencroft.
    Bruce: Don't say one word.
    Alfred: What and make you even more flustered?
    Bruce: I'm not flustered. (beat) I'm not.
    Alfred: Don't worry. I'll keep your bovine glands on ice.
  • Bruce's first response to seeing Metamorpho wreaking havoc in the street:
  • When Dr. Ravencroft calls Bruce while he's investigating Stagg Enterprises as Batman and he switches to his Bruce Wayne voice:
    Batman: (using his Bruce Wayne voice) Hello?
    Ravencroft: Did I catch you at a bad time?
    Batman: Not at all. Just finishing work.
    Ravencroft: What are you wearing?
    Batman: Sorry, what?
    Ravencroft: I hoping it's a tux. Because it's 7:30 and I'm expecting you in half an hour.
    Batman: With my checkbook, that's right.
  • When Simon Stagg sees his security team failing to stop Metamorpho:
    Simon: My security team is useless. You're all fired!
    • When Metamorpho breaks inside the building:
    Simon: (to Batman) He's in the building! Do something! Be Batman!


  • Tatsu sounding like she's fighting some thugs, only for the camera to cut to her playing a video game inside the limo. Just how childish she sounds makes it so hilarious.
    Tatsu: I warned you not to mess with me... but you zombies never listen! Aw, come on! Those goons never even touched me! This game is rigged.
  • Bruce snarking at Professor Ravencroft and Silver Monkey while being held hostage by them, even asking if they were a couple.
    Bruce: I have a question. Does the Argus Club control the League of Assassins, or is it the other way around?
    Ravencroft: Keep asking questions, maybe one of them will be your last.
    Bruce: You know, I always argue that no one needs therapy more than therapists. And now you're proving my theory.
    Ravencroft: A keen insight. It's a shame you have no one in your life to appreciate it.
    Bruce: Said the shrink with the crossbow and the ninja boyfriend. I mean, you and the monkey guy are together, right?
    Silver Monkey: If you don't keep your mouth shut, I will shut it for you!
    Bruce: Just making conversation.


  • Tatsu's suit of armor.
    Tatsu: I can't even move a finger in this suit. (Beat) See? That was me trying to move a finger.
    • Then Batman's reaction to Tatsu's choice of a disguise and weapon.
    Batman: A sword and a mask. That's all?
  • Gordon thinking that the Bat Signal is ridiculous... and Batman agreeing somewhat, even if he does like it.
    Gordon: (to himself) This is ridiculous. What was I thinking?
    Batman: I was thinking a phone call would've be more practical.
    Gordon: How long have you been there?
    Batman: Long enough. (looks at the bat signal) I like it.
  • Barbara snarking at Milo Match.
    Milo Match: (to the Ghosts) Because your Cauldron lacks electricity, I am offering you something better than gold.
    Barbara: You're kidding, right? You're not actually trying to make a deal with Ghosts, are you?
    (Ghosts appear out from the shadows)
    Match: As I was saying...
    Barbara: Hope you have a back-up plan. If not, you should get one. My dad's gonna figure out where I am. He's a great detective.
    Match: (to the Ghosts) So I offer you a tanker of fuel, which is parked outside this building, in exchange for...
    Barbara: Classic bad guy mistake: trusting other bad guys. Dude, you can't just give it to them, they'll bail at the first sign of trouble. You're way over your head.
    (The Ghost members look at each other)
    Match: Gentlemen, ladies...
    Barbara: I think they're all guys.
  • Batman calling Katana out on her ego.
    Katana: For the record, I do not have an ego. It's called pride in my work.
  • Batman and Tatsu's talk about the warehouse.
    Katana: But our differences make us stronger. You know, like to-mato, toma-to.
    Batman: No. Those are the same things said differently.
    Katana: Exactly my point.
  • Barbara asking her father for a grapnel.
    Gordon: Not until you're old enough.
    Barbara: (excited) When will that be?
    Gordon: Never.
    • Right before that, Babs completely fangirling at Batman and Katana, and the slight note of exasperation in Bats' voice when he corrects her on the term "grapnel".


  • This exchange between Alfred and Tatsu:
    Alfred: Will it be one straw or two for dinner this evening?
    Tatsu: Sorry Alfred, I kinda promised to let Jason make dinner for me this evening. I just hope the nerd can cook.
  • Gordon is still using the Bat Signal. Alfred questions to a better way to get in contact with them.
    • Also the Batcomputer seems to be set up to detect the signal.
  • Gordon trying to get the guard to leave so he can have a meeting with Batman.
    Gordon: Why don't you go get a donut?
    Cop: The wife says I gotta to cut back.
    Gordon: Then only get a half-a-dozen this time.
    Cop: Hey, yeah. (walks off)
    • Then immediately after the shot pans back, Batman pulls a Stealth Hi/Bye on Gordon.
    Gordon: Even when I know you're coming, I still can't get used to that.
  • Dr. Burr's Adorkable way of trying to flirt with Tatsu returns.
  • This exchange, before Batman jumps onto the subway.
    Computer: The probability of accomplishing this maneuver is less then eight percent, Batman.
    Batman: Then you'd better wish me luck.
    Computer: Good luck, Batman.
    Batman: Thanks.


  • Batman interrupting Shiva and Katana's arguing about whether or not the latter is a killer.
    Batman: Wanna see my true nature? Keep talking.
  • The officer's reaction to seeing Lady Shiva cold clocking Batman.


  • When Professor Pyg and Mr. Toad first confront the supermodel, she was having an argument over the phone with her agent about not being allowed to wear condor at her next gig. Professor Pyg then proceeds to ask her, "Do you know how many birds had to lose their plumage so you could look atrocious?"
    • Her answer is even better. "Six?" *awkward smile*
  • While Professor Pyg and Mr. Toad are watching Batman save the supermodel, they're drinking tea and eating biscuits.
    Mr. Toad: Would you like a biscuit?
    Professor Pyg: I really shouldn't. (beat) Oh, maybe just one.
  • When Tatsu figures out that the note Prof. Pyg left on the supermodel references "Baa Baa Black Sheep", Batman ignores her.
    Tatsu: (imitating Batman) "Nice work, Katana". Thank you, Batman.
  • When Batman and Tatsu are figuring out Prof. Pyg's next victim:
    Batman: The "lane" is the key. We should...
    Tatsu: (typing on the Batcomputer) Look for every street in Gotham with the word "lane" in it. The Batcomputer cites 129 streets...
    Batman: I narrowed it down to three.
    Tatsu: (referring to the Batcomputer) Why do we even have this thing?
  • When Katana fails to stop the saw machine with her shuriken, Batman stops the machine by throwing capsules filled with goo. Katana calls Batman out for having better gadgets than her.
    Katana: Exploding goo? Hmm. I think someone has a bigger gadget budget than me.
  • Just when Mr. Toad is about to finish Batman, the police start arriving and Pyg says that they have to leave, leading to this exchange:
    Professor Pyg: Language, Mr. Toad.


  • Katana dissing Magpie's fashion sense, then slicing the feathers on her shoulderpads.


  • Barbara trying to convince her dad to let her help.
    Barbara: Fact, I can code faster than kids twice my age, heck I hacked the Gotham PD database when I was twelve!
    Commissioner Gordon: You what?
    Barbara: OK, maybe that wasn't the best example.
    Commissioner Gordon: Fact, you are staying in this precinct.
    Barbara: But lieutenant—
    Commissioner Gordon: Call me dad.
    Officer: Uh, dad...


  • Batman is simultaneously confronted by five villains, who are after the dead-or-alive reward offered by Ra's al Ghul. He surrenders to Magpie, who is then attacked by Phosphorus Rex, who is then attacked by Professor Pyg... and so on until Batman casually walks away from the free-for-all.
    Batman: Almost too easy.


  • After Bruce says he's going to bed.
    Tatsu: Bed? Now? Are you sick? Do you even get sick?
    Bruce: No, I'm fine. Just tired. Goodnight.
    Tatsu: ...all right, party time.
  • Dent and his goons examining a picture of The Penguin.
    Dent: I'm confused. Does he just look like a penguin or is he an actual penguin?


  • Mr. Toad wanting one of the women he and Pyg plan to mutate into animal hybrids as his wife.

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