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Funny / Better Off Ted

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  • "And so Veronica made the computer think that ninety-three employees shoved themselves into a small backpack and launched themselves into space."
  • This outtakes video (warning: NSFW) from "The Impertence of Communicationizing" shows the cast rivaling The Aristocrats in the creative cursing department. Sometimes, no matter how hard you bundle it, crap just can't make it past the radar.
    • Arguably, the entire actual episode itself. The highlights are definitely Phil and Lem taking their insult-generating formula out for a spin and the titles they put on their put-downs:
    (for an insult coming from Lem) "Pow, you've just been Lembasted!"
    (for an insult coming from their formula) "Pow, you've just been Philibustered!"
    (for an insult coming from Ted, of all people) "...Pow, we've just been Teducated."
  • The presentation in the episode Jabberwocky, where Veronica and Ted presents a project without a product.
    Veronica: Products are for people who don't have presentations!(taking her cues from the Power Point Ted put together) Faster than a cheetah! More powerful than... another cheetah!
  • In the episode "Beating A Dead Workforce", this exchange at the funeral:
    Veronica: Carl Jenkins.
    Ted: (correcting her to the side) Gordon.
    Veronica: Carl Gordon.
    Ted: Jenkins.
    Veronica: Carl Gordon Jenkins.
    Ted: Gordon Jenkins!
    Veronica: Carl Gordon Jenkins Gordon Jenkins. (aside:) Are you sure that's right?
    Ted: (giving up) That's fine.
    • See it here.
  • While high, Linda decided to confront her neighbour's baby about its constant crying. Then she stole it, named it Ted, and tried to claim it for her own by writing her name on it.
    • From that same episode when Linda is seen crying next to a basket of bagels, and Lem and Phil cautiously ask her what's wrong.
    (through tears) "The Jewish people have had such a tumultuous history. And they still managed to give us this; the everything bagel. It's everything you could ever want on a bagel. I love it, and the chosen people who created it."
  • There is also Veronica's constant comments about business:
    Veronica: Money before people Ted, it's the company motto, written right on the lobby floor. It just looks more heroic in Latin.
  • Dr. Bhamba naming his bio-computer "Johnny" just to set up a joke later where Ted mentions that:
    "The offices were still empty due to the goo coming out of Dr. Bhamba's Johnny."
  • From the episode where the sensors don't work on people with dark skin (i.e., all the black employees), there's a couple of great moments.
    • From the commercial talking about how Veridian embraces diversity. It's the typical commercial, but the ending seals it.
    • The initial solution that the higher-ups of Veridian have; normal entrances and water fountains for people who CAN trigger the censors, and separate ones for those employees with extra melanin.
    • The guy that Lem gets to follow him around. He tastes something from a petri dish, headphones blaring with music so that he can't hear them.
    Stew: (loudly) This tastes salty! What is it?
    Lem: Salt. Salt. SALT!
    • And then later in the scene.
    Stew: (having not heard anything, still loudly) I think that this might be salt!
    • The solution to sway the higher-ups to replace the sensors. Eventually Veridian would wind up employing EVERYONE.
    Ted: And we just don't have the parking for that.
  • More from Veronica
    Veronica: That's the sound of me deflecting your whiny bitching with my happiness shield.
  • Bamba's reaction to Lem trying to have revenge sex with his mother.
    Bamba:...well, that would be the one thing we have not tried to get her out of the coma. Let me save you three weird and very awkward minutes...
  • The entire episode of: "It's My Party and I'll Lie If I Want To" but especially the presentation of the lie-machine.
    Phil: It analyzes speech sound waves and can identify the distortion in our voices created by the stress of lying. And it doesn't work at all!
    Machine: Buzz
    Phil: See? It does work. I never had any doubts.
    Machine: Buzz
    Phil: Okay, I had a small doubt.
    Machine: Buzz
    Phil: Okay, every day I am incapacitated by fear. I don't know where the magic comes from, and I'm terrified that one day I'll wake and it will all be gone, and I'll end up alone, living in my brother's basement with his trains. (to the machine) Buzz, damn you!
    Ted: Meanwhile, in a place of business...
    • Then, Veronica tests it with this mangiflourious lie.
    Veronica: Every spring, on a remote island, Sean Connery and I hunt the most dangerous game: Man. (Phil, Ted, and Lem glance at the machine.) I've also poisoned one of you. (Machine glance) And before this day is done, I'm going to force two of you to make love.
    Lem: Oh my god! I'm dying! I can't breathe! Good luck you two. Don't let the intimacy hurt the friendship.
    Veronica: Relax, I'm lying.
    • Then, Chet walks on.
    Chet: Look! It's my favorite people.
    Machine: Buzz
    Veronica: Chet, what can I do for you, sir?
    Chet: I'm actually here to see Ted. Are you and your daughter still up for miniature golf today with me and Olivia?
    Ted: Looking forward to it, sir.
    (Veronica glances at the machine.)
    Chet: Excellent. I've got my clubs and I am going to BEAT you. Oh my, that didn't come out right. Don't worry. I've never hit anybody with a golf club.
    Machine: Buzz
    Chet: At least not on purpose.
    Machine: Buzz
    Chet: Hey, what's this fun machine?
    Phil: It's just a random buzzer.
    Machine: Buzz
    Phil: It's WORKING!
    Chet: Well, I have to go upstairs and put some more evil into the world.
    (Room glances at the machine, which does not buzz.)
  • Ted trying to get romantic with Greta the German... when she's talking in Phil's voice, thanks to the translator machine.
  • Veronica and her father's attempt to bond by playing Frisbee. Neither of them seem to understand how Frisbees work.
  • Similarly, when they are trying to just sit on a bench as a father-daughter duo, they start emulating another older man and younger woman. Up until they realize that the other duo is a May–December Romance, and quickly, awkwardly leave.
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  • Lem: But I don't want to take the high road! It's high!
    Phil: True. We could fall off!


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