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Funny / Bernice Summerfield

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Bernice Summerfield. Arguably more emotionally mature than its parent series yet still indulges in plenty of light-heartedness. Sometimes taken to absurd levels.

  • Oh No It Isn't! Well, the play is a parody of pantomime (yes, it manages to parody pantomime of all things) so expect to be giggling through most scenes. Those, and all Wolsey's dick jokes.

    Benny: God is an enormous cat in a hat?

    Grand Vizier: Parathon! Aloo saag! Peshwari Naan!
    Benny: Are you summoning a demon?
    Vizier: No, you fool! I'm ordering a curry!

    Bitchy: Rumplephobia. There's a lot of post dwarf and anti-dwarf feeling, even amongst the dwarf community. In fact, some are saying that we should abandon the dwarf as a social construct altogether and just get on with being short.

    Dame Candy: Help! They're hot on my tail (and let me tell you, that's not as good as it sounds).
    Benny: Professor Candy! (Beat) And you're dressed as a woman.

    King: I always say, the more people I have at my balls the better.

    Grand Vizier: May the goodness of the oceans flow up your rivers!
    Benny: and up- erm... let's get down to business shall we?

    Benny: If only I could remember the exact plot of the pantomime Aladdin. I had a couple of animated versions when I was a kid but they were completely different. Dame Candy: Don't look at me dear, I've never had an animated Arab boy in my life... Unfortunately.

    • The parody of Raiders of the Lost Ark. When the boulders are about to crush them, they fall through the floor because it is really a badly made set.

  • Beyond The Sun. Scott falling asleep next to Emile and remarking out of the blue:
    "I thought you might want to have sex with me?"

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  • Just War: In an otherwise emotionally intense story we have Benny on a young Nazi Officer who has a crush on her.
    "He can't be any older than nineteen! What is it about me and younger men? He's probably missing his mother."

  • The Stone's Lament. Most of the scenes between Benny and Adrian count but in particular is when the House's jealous computer impersonates Benny, tricking Adrian into trying to get in bed with her! Her reaction says it all.
    "What? you thought I fancied a bit of rough fur!"

  • The Extinction Event. Benny awkwardly trying to lie about why she isn't working on the dig (and what she is wearing is most definitely traditional dress, not teddy bear pattern pyjamas)

  • The Greatest Shop In The Galaxy is packed full of CMO Fs. For starters there is the thirty meter statue of Benny in a spandex bikini as a display for her book (sales have improved 50% since it was installed).
    • After several minutes of trying to defuse a bomb by entering the correct codes but not succeeding, Benny just flies into a rage and hits it repeatedly with her shoe, and it works!
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    • The villain dies because his pleasure centres are index-linked to stock market imput. So after the fall of the gigamarket, he dies of an orgasm.
    Benny: It was the fall that killed him.
    • The time jumps are mucking up Joseph's systems, so he suddeny plays this from Benny's diary:
    Benny (on diary): -absolutely Enormous! Of course, I couldn't say anything to him at the time. But he definitely goes down in my top-ten list of-
    Benny: Joseph! Diary off!!!!

  • The Green-Eyed Monsters. Opens up with Benny listening to the (universally reviled) theme song from season two. She switches it off and wonders what she could've been thinking.
    Lady Ashantra: And if there's anything I can get you Professor Summerfield, a large alcoholic beverage, a completely destructive and meaningless sexual encounter, please don't hesitate to ask.
    • Sorry, but the thought of how Adrian (the seven-foot canine ape alien) got Peter a fluffy toy rabbit is either this or Heartwarming.

    Adrian (holding Peter): You're, erm... A perfectly satisfactory example of genetic reproduction.
    Jason: Blimey, you weren't kidding about the males of your species were you?

  • Death And The Daleks. Jason removes his bio-engineered fatsuit (along with all his other clothes) so he and Benny can escape the Daleks, meaning he spends about ten minutes of the episode naked... in front of Benny's father.
    Isaac: Why is your husband naked?

  • The Grel Escape. The whole play is a spoof of an infamous Doctor Who story. It is essentially two-year-old Peter taking them all through a trip through time and space.
    Robot Benny: I am Bernice Summerfield. I drink lots. I have no breasts.
    Benny: See! That isn- Wait, are you saying those are the only things about my character which have gone down in posterity?!!!

  • The Crysta Of Cantus. In an otherwise disturbing and horrific story there are a few laughs.
    Brax: Bernice, please put my hat down.
    • Braxiatel's horrified warning to Ronan when he asks Benny (while she's drunk) if she can dance.
    Benny: Can I dance? CAN I DANCE!!!
    Brax: Too late...

  • The Worst Thing In The World. The whole story is about fiction coming alive. So we have the impression of Benny and Jason making out on TV while acting like characters in a costume drama, Benny using Jason as food and compost and union meetings turning into full-blown bloody revolutions. It all reaches its climax when Benny is surrounded by mind controlled zombies who will tear her apart, so she turns the whole scenario into an old fashioned musical where nobody dies.
    • What really sells it is Benny's deadpan assessment of the situation at the end of the song.
    "I can't believe I just did that."

  • Summer Of Love. Let's see: Adrian having sex with Doggles; Benny and a naked Bev kissing in front of a group of ambassadors; Benny being unable to stop thinking about the boy with all the hands; Doggles getting stuck when the woman he's making out with suddenly changes gender; they realise that their cure for the pollen that's making everyone randy won't work for eight hours so Benny finally gives into her cravings... and chooses Doggles!
    • Actually, that last bit isn't so funny considering a certain event in The Wake.
    • Something for the Fan Fic writers, imagine if this story had happened while Braxiatel was there!
    • Although Benny did say that the thought of Braxiatel naked was the weirdest thing that she'd heard all day.
    • Mind you, she actually DID see him naked in The Empire State. (Though she barely seemed to notice and Brax wasn't as concerned as most would've been).

  • The Oracle Of Delphi. Benny's garbled attempts at Ancient Greek.
    Benny (at the assembly in Athens): My dear porcupines!
    Socrates (reading Benny's letter): 'Lots of sex, Benny.'
    • Then there's Socrates of all people using 'Bollocks!' as a swear word.

  • The Tub Full Of Cats. Brax putting himself in a stasis pod (please observe the 'this way up' sign) to avoid hassle but Benny thinks it's to avoid paying his passenger fair. Then there's the cats.
    Benny: Maggie, these are just cats. Not aliens, not gods in cat form, just normal Earth cats.

    Brax': I notice you didn't get the cats to apologise.
    Chanticleer: They don't need to apologise, they're cats.
    • Brax's punishment for smuggling himself on board is; paying his fair, apologising to Maggie for being a bad (sort of) father and... Cleaning out the cat litter.
    • Cat's are huge terrifying monsters in the void... thingy whereas humans appear relatively normal. This is because your appearance their reflects your own self-image. Everything you need to know about cats is right there.

  • The Final Amendment. This whole story is the Bernice Summerfield series's attempt at a merciless parody... of itself. Jason (bloody) Kane, started a series on Earth (which has run for fifteen seasons) featuring the inhabitants of the collection and starring clones of them all (except Brax, who's a robot). The result is all the regulars hamming it up in such a way as to parody their own characters. And it is glorious.

    Fake Brax: At last! Soon My dastardly planning and plotting shall bear fruit! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    • The series version of Jason sleeping with the rest of the cast, including Adrian and Bev.
    • Robo Brax saying
    "Oh, Bernice! I think I'm in love with you! You're the daughter I never had!" (Then, in a very perverted sounding voice) "I want you to call me Daddy!"
    • Was that a Shout-Out to when Miles Richardson's dad played Francis Urquhart?
    • The Benny action figure which says 'Oh Goddess, I could do with a drink!'
    • At the end of the story, the clone of Bernice becomes the President of Earth.

  • The Diet of Worms. Barbara Cartland is regarded as the greatest novelist in Earth's history.
    • Martin Luther and Charles Darwin. As a couple.
    • It looks like the villain has fallen for the old cliché of leaving incriminating documents on her desk, but it turns out that her staff just send her copies of everything she throws out.

  • Glory Days. Benny's apparent reaction to a bank staffed entirely by clones of Braxiatel and run by an AI with his voice.
    • Bev masquerading as an 'actress' whose stage name is Connie Lingus Spank Me Mounds.
    • The sex toy/clone of Benny. The first thing it does when it's born is ask for vodka. Then, to Benny's fury, it starts saying things such as:
    Clone Benny As everyone knows, I am notoriously shy about my sexuality but I can be a complete shag rabbit if the right guy comes along.
    Real Benny: BEVERLY!!!

  • Venus Mantrap. Desire for the revenue from the late Jason Kane's xenopornographic works lead to Benny having to masquerade as a love drone and sleep with the Venusian ambassador to Eros (almost). After the mess is over she (almost) lets him keep her pants as a souvenir.
    • Tricking the Vice-Chancellor into reading an extract from Jason's unpublished work 'Barely Humanoid' out loud, in public. (So basically this play has a reading of Fifty Shades of Grey but with more tentacles).
    • The reason the ambassador was involved in all this.
    N'jok: I wanted to be remembered as the man who brought peace to Venus and Eros. Unfortunately for me, they were already at peace.
    Benny: How very inconsiderate of them.

  • Dead Man's Switch, Benny is infiltrating a mysterious, abandoned research station when she's confronted by a service droid...
    Robot: Please follow me.
    Benny: No.
    Robot: Please follow me.
    Benny: No. Why should I?
    Robot: Because if you do, you have far less chance of destroying the universe.
    Benny: ...Have we met before?

  • In Epoch: The Temple Of Questions Benny first meets Leo with this exchange.
    Leo: Olives Miss, picked fresh this morning.
    Benny: In the real Ancient Greece only virgins were allowed to pick olives, however I'm not about to question your credentials.

  • Private Enemy No.1. The Historians have a new recruit called Darion who Benny sums up like this:
    I Bet he has knitted dolls of us, and at night he makes them kiss. With tongues. Tongues he knitted separately.
    • Then when we actually meet him:
    Benny: How old are you, twelve?
    Darion: I'm nineteen.

    Darion: You're Kindof like my mum, but hotter.
    • And in this story we also have coffee shops appearing out of nowhere and fishermen turning into life insurance salesmen. Not to mention the first appearance of a certain character.
    Jack: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, dump the bloke and lose the chick.
    Benny: Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack sounds like a bit of a dick.

  • Come the complete Mind Screw that was Judgement Day. We have gay cavemen hobnobbing with dinosaurs and using bluetooth, mobile phones and GPS.
    • Everything to do with Springheel Jack. First he gives Benny a passionate kiss... which renders her unconscious due to venom in the saliva. In the middle of making a grand speech to the people of London, Ruth promptly pinches his bum. And then there's breathing fire.
    I don't breathe fire, I belch fire. Have you ever tried breathing fire? I breathe air like everyone else.

  • Brand Management. A planet which has deified Bernice. As a result, we have people singing the theme song from season two (Benny acts like it's the worst thing she's ever heard, most of the audience agreed). And her face is carved into one of the three moons (we don't want to know what they put on the other two).

  • Bad Habits. Benny masquerading as a nun. A nun who keeps getting her arse pinched by a lecherous bishop. Cue enough Double Entendre to make Are You Being Served? look prudish and an appearance by what must be a descendent of the Noble family.

  • Legion: Vesuvius Falling. Quite a dark story but this would've have had people laughing (well, after they stopped gawping anyway): namely, someone awkwardly explaining the concept of homosexuality to Peter.

    Karne: I though he was more into me than her, that he... you know. Batted for the other team, if you know what I mean
    Peter: I don't know what you mean.
    Karne: Well... do you have a partner, someone you love?
    Peter: Yes.
    Karne: What's her name?
    Peter: Antonio.
    Karne: Ah, you do know what I mean.

  • Everybody Loves Irving. Miniature traders with New Jersey accents who are prolific breeders and so assume that Benny is Brax's concubine (Miles Richardson has stated that despite the wishes of some of the fanbase this will never happen) and can't understand why they would want more then one bed. (Brax takes the floor). Then there is the computer E.O.I.N. who Benny thinks has a cute accent (it disagrees) and plays her the Season 2 theme tune when she asks for funky music.
    • Just the fact that this version of Braxiatel seems to be less a Magnificent Bastard and more Adorkable makes his attempts to please Benny hilarious.

  • A Handful Of Dust. 'Paranormal Planets': The robot camera plays the theme music whenever its owner says it. Jack's fury at being filmed without his consent (are you getting my good side?).
    • Also: The Irverfield. And the story behind it. And Benny's reaction. And everyone else's reaction.

  • In The Curse Of Fenman it is revealed that Jack used to work for his family's claims outfit Jaque, Jake, Jacob Jackson and Jake's sons (or something like that), all played by David Ames. For extra laughs, his brother sounded perpetually doped up.

    Peter: I haven't heard of your kind, but you look humanoid so I'm guessing your balls are in the same place.
    Antonio: Really? I'm not sure I know where they are now.

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