Funny / Batman: The Telltale Series

"WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME!?"

As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

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Season One

Episode 1

• An option when Harvey sees you at the party and has you say "Hi" comes off as this. When he says "Say hi, Bruce", you can answer "Hi, Bruce". Proof that, for all his angst, Bruce probably isn't without his moments of comedy.

Episode 2

• When given the option to kiss Selina, if the player waits long enough she will glance directly at the camera as if asking "Well what are you waiting for?"
• Forgetting to use Catwoman's assistance in a fight - i.e. the entire reason she's there in the first place - will lead to her talking about doing something "next time", while Batman sheepishly looks away and shrugs.

Episode 3

• While the argument with Harvey is Played for Drama, Harvey throwing his mask to Bruce and Bruce swatting it away with a “Really, dude?” expression is downright comical.
• Speaking of the above, this gem:
  Bruce: I just came by to check up on Selena.
  Harvey: What, with your pants down!!??
• The fact that over 90% of players have chosen to sleep with Catwoman. Of course, Batman is known for Dating Catwoman, so that’s probably one reason. Also, very few guys would pass up the chance to sleep with Catwoman, and perhaps very few players would have Bruce pass it up either.

Episode 4

• When confronting Harvey as Bruce, if you chose to use "Putting a Dent in Crime" as his campaign slogan, you are given the choice to remark on the irony of that. Harvey is completely oblivious to it and continues ranting about damaging crime.
• If you went after the Penguin in Ep 4. Batman manages to beat him and either hogties him or knocks him out after he refuses to tell what the Children of Arkham's leader is planning. A few minutes later, the GCPD find Penguin hanging upside down in the indoor fire escape. In front of the room that has more then enough evidence to convict him.
  Officer: What the...
  Penguin: (In a resigned, defeated tone) Just cut me down, mate.
• Bruce's threats to the civilians holding him up in traffic are just so hilariously over the top because of the Hate Plague he's infected with. Particularly if you pick the "I don't want any trouble" option.

Episode 5

• What did Oswald do when he temporarily had the keys to Bruce's CEO account? He haphazardly plastered his name over the Wayne Enterprises logo. In Comic Sans. Bruce makes an actual facepalm when he figures this out.
  Alfred: It seems Mr. Cobblepot's sense of humor hasn't changed much.
  Bruce: (facepalming) Let's just...figure out what Oswald's been doing.
  • He also planned to buy himself an island using Carmine Falcone's assets and make it a tourist attraction called... Falcone Island.
  Bruce and Alfred: (long awkward pause, as they try to parse what they just discovered)
  Bruce: ...We should get back to figuring out Lady Arkham's next move.
  Alfred: Yes, right.
  • Not to mention his alterations to Bruce's record.
  Alfred: Your degree is in...sociology?
  • Bruce was also given a variety of... "colorful diseases" in his medical file.
  • Alfred, being a Quintessential British Gentleman, becomes angry only when he sees what alteration Oswald made to his own records.
  Alfred: He was enrolled at...Cambridge?! Ridiculous!
• If you have Bruce unmasked in the final fight with Lady Arkham and then go as Bruce to support Gordon, this exchange occurs:
  Gordon: Jesus, what happened to your ear?
  Bruce: Cut myself shaving.
  Gordon: What'd you use, a chainsaw?
  • Using the Cut Himself Shaving excuse to explain a drop of blood on your shirt thanks to being Batman can be easily explained. Using the same excuse to explain losing a chunk of your ear is much less plausible, and it’s unlikely that Gordon would believe that.
• The "Invisible Man" glitch.
  • Potentially doubles as Nightmare Fuel.
• If Batman chooses to be just friends with Selina instead of anything romantic, he gives her a sweet, if slightly awkward, lean-in hug rather than a kiss when she leaves Gotham. Selina's expression is touched, but still puzzled.
• Selina sending Bruce a post card with a kitten in the "Hang in there, baby!" pose.

Season Two

Episode 1

• When you first meet her, Tiffany notices something is different about Bruce. You have the option to suggest that Bruce is "unbelievably badass." Tiffany scoffs, and Lucius then says he's the real badass.
• At Lucius' funeral Joker arrives unannounced and behaves awkwardly inappropriate for the funeral. Joker wanted to give Bruce a card and it's a cute ill teddy bear in bed with the words "sorry that you're sick". On the inside he's written "get well soon!" with a frowned face in his signature.
• During Lucius Fox's funeral, John Doe suddenly shows up. One of the dialogue options has Bruce wonder how he left the Asylum. He then quickly follows up his question with a quick and panicked "Oh my god, did you break out?"
  • If you let John take a picture with you but don't smile, the resulting look on Bruce's face just screams "I am done with this guy". John still makes it his wallpaper.
  • If Bruce does smile, Alfred will raise his eyebrow when he sees the wallpaper, and Bruce can only give him an awkward smile.
• In the Batcave, if Bruce keeps activating the Batmobile's engine, he will slowly get tired of the noise until he can't perform the action anymore.
  • What makes it funnier is that, at each engine rev, Bruce will comment on how the sound never gets old. Each time with a little less enthusiasm until, before he decides he's heard enough, he practically forces out the comment.
• When dealing with the Riddler's trap, Gordon mentions that maybe they'll get lucky and the Riddler and The Agency will just kill each other. When Batman stares at him over the comment, Gordon simply shrugs.
• In the final chapter, John gets in touch - and his excitement can be felt through text, right down to using emoticons when signing off.

Episode 2

• Meeting John at the Stacked Deck starts off with one. John holds a therapy circle there every second Sunday, and Bruce walks in just as a guy, Willy, is complaining about Batman and Bruce Wayne. John hints that Bruce is standing right behind him but it goes over the guy's head, leading to him stopping mid-rant when he finally notices Bruce's presence.
  • John also gets in a quip about Bruce's dead parents. It's the first of many.
  Willy: Nothing bad ever happens to Bruce Wayne!
  John: ... besides the whole dead parents thing.
  • John admits he didn't tell Bruce that Riddler was the leader of his "friends" because he was embarrassed by his behavior, and pinky swears not to keep secrets from him again; if Bruce accepts, John cries out, "Friends for life!" The camera immediately cuts to the dumbfounded bartender staring at them both.
• When challenged by Harley to give one good reason why she shouldn't blow his head off, Bruce can make a extremely dark, dry quip about how they'll never clean his blood off the upholstery, and a follow-up insisting that "brains are like red wine". Harley only threatens him further at this, until she breaks off laughing, saying she's just messing with you; in other words, a conversation about cleaning people's innards off a car is so rigmarole at this point for her that it might not have registered as a joke.
• If you tell Regina that Harley and John are prospective business clients, Harley claims that she's here to buy Wayne Enterprises. A baffled Regina can only say that nobody's told her about this deal, at which point John cheerfully pipes up, "That's because he's giving ME your job!"
• Visiting John's little "Ha-Hacienda", Bruce notices a number of framed selfies John has taken with unwilling subjects, including an annoyed Harley ("she really brightens up the room — a thousand-watt face!"), an uneasy Dr. Leland, Riddler with his eyes x-ed out, and a terrified random passerby that John taped a picture of Bruce's face over.
• When it comes time to take vote, John — the guaranteed "yea" — just spends most of his time gushing over his best pal than listing objective assets.
  John: Bruce is strong, and smart, and handsome — like super-handsome, it's nuts, you guys, and... where was I going with this?

Episode 3

• When you trigger the electric trap in Riddler's hideout, you have to option to touch one of the tesla coils. The way Bruce just keels over dead after getting zapped is likely to make one bust a gut the first time they do it.
• John Doe is downright hilarious through the entirety of Episode 3:
  • When Bruce and Selina end up fighting over the flash drive, John's reaction is to start fanboying and take pictures.
  (Bruce and Selina trade lightning-fast blows)
  John: Slow down a bit! You're coming out blurry! (snaps pictures)
  • It gets even better when the option to go for the kiss comes up. If you wait a few seconds, John actually walks over and peers at the two of them, clearly wondering "Are they... are they gonna... ?"
  • After said encounter, he and Bruce are "having a talk", facing off in a tense stare-down accompanied with suspenseful mood music on top of it...Until John takes one long, loud, slurp off the giant dessert in front of him. Even the music dies with the mood built up until that point.
  • At one point, John mentions that Harley always spelled his name J-O-N. If subtitles are turned on while Bruce is role playing as Harley, it'll actually spell his name that way in Bruce's line.
  • During the following conversation, if you suggest John to be himself around Harley, he gets you to role-play as her so he can practice flirting.
    • The first attempt doesn't go so well, as seen in the page image.
      John: Okay, now say something... uh... date-like. Like we're out painting the town red.
      Bruce: Hi, John. I like hiking. Do you like the outd-?
      John: (grabbing Bruce from across the table) WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME?!
      (awkward silence as they both notice the guy at the next table staring at them. Bruce and John then return to their seats)
      John: So what do you think? Pretty good, right?
    • Bruce can then advise him that he came off as just a little bit desperate.
      John: And women like that?
      Bruce: N-no. None.
    • For the second question, Bruce actually decides to mimic Harley. It's actually not that bad, but John is amazed.
      Bruce: (Very slight lilting accent) What was yer favorite thing about Arkham, Puddin'? For me it was Sloppy Joe Fridays.
      John:...BRUCE! This is just UNCANNY!
  • John finds the Bat-Signal right after a tense meeting between Batman and Gordon. What does he do with it? Hand shadows. With Batman and Gordon as lip-sync to it.
    • If you just stand and let him talk, John spins a whole story about how Waller is making Gordon shave his mustache.
  • And then he has the audacity to snatch a selfie with Batman in the heat of the moment for his collection. The player gets to decide if he gets away with it or not.
• If you invite Selina to the Batcave, you can show off the car... but only three times.
  Selina: (Second time) Now you're just wasting gas.
  Selina: (Third time) If you keep showing it off like that, it might go missing.

Episode 4

• During Bruce's conversation with John in "Harley's office", John notices Avesta accompanying Bruce, and asks if Bruce is two-timing Catwoman.
• A rather unexpected gem occurs in Harley's updated bio, referring to John:
  "Gotham's fate lies in the hands of an emotionally-distraught, drunken ex-Arkham inmate pursuing his violent ex-girlfriend...I may need to find a Plan B."
• When Bruce and Avesta goes to find Harley, John goes mopey and complains about the weird smell. When Avesta tries to comfort John, he goes "Nope, pretty sure I can get away from that smell".
• If Bruce suggests that he will go on vacation together with Alfred, the latter quips that no batsuit is allowed.
• When John tries to reason with Harley on Gotham Bridge, it looks like they are flirting with each other. Waller even comments that it looks more like John is proposing to Harley.
  • The first meeting of John and Waller in the same scene. If you tell the latter to 'play nice' after she calls him a creature, then John will be emboldened to start lecturing her on how it's not right to call someone a creature. Bruce shakes his head in horror and Avesta grits her teeth while John catches on with an Oh, Crap! look as Waller shoots him a Death Glare accompanied by a Scare Chord.

Episode 5

Vigilante Joker

• In the Vigilante route, while Bruce is treating his injury, some funny banter between John and Alfred can be heard, such as John being delighted by Alfred's "Dickensian" accent ("I bet it comes in very handy at Christmas!") and wondering if he himself was British before Arkham, or discussing Bruce being a troublesome little boy growing up.
• After ending the conversation with Waller, Joker expresses his concern.
  Joker: She's going to kill me... kill me, or turn me into a slave like Bane. And look what happened to him! I don't want to have some maniac stab me!^note John being the maniac
• Vigilante!Joker spends his first scenes in full-on Ascended Fanboy mode.
  Joker: We're taking the Batmobile? (cut to him and Batman inside it) We're taking the BATMOBILE!
• Some of the flavor text in the Vigilante route is just purposefully jokey:
  John totally forgot to remember that.
  Waller really doesn't care.
• All of the other hero codenames Joker said he considered: Birdman, Hawkman, Foxbatman, The Giggler, Chucklemaster, Lord of the Laughs and the Joke Man.
• At one point, if you decide to bring Tiffany along, she'll use a voice modulator to artificially deepen her voice, only to turn it off when she's mortified by how deep it sounds. Specifically, it sounds uncomfortably similar to Lady Arkham.
• If you examine the car in the water tower investigation, Gordon will note that it's been hot wired quite poorly. If Bruce was the one to do the job in a previous episode:
  Batman: (in a petulant tone) It's not THAT bad...
• When Batman investigates the water tower to find where vigilante Joker took Waller, if he brought Tiffany along and investigates the upstairs first then Tiffany questions Gordon taking notes on paper rather than on a tablet like she does to Gordon's frustration.

Villain Joker

• For some reason, the boardroom at Wayne Enterprises still has a portrait of convicted terrorist Oswald Cobblepot hanging up on the wall among its many past CEOs. It was also likely commissioned by Oswald himself, being noticeably larger than all the others.
• In the Villain route, Harley's demands for not setting off bombs throughout Gotham are: Batman's head on a pike, the Sanctus serum, a massive portrait of her and Joker painted on City Hall, and for the Agency to leave Gotham... with the exception of Waller, who she wants fired out of a cannon. When Waller relays these to Batman in a call, you can remark that she'd better start looking for one.
• The Funhouse section in the Villain route has several extremely dark examples, mostly caused by Joker's near-constant mugging and the petulant offense he takes if you refuse to play along with his games. Special mention should probably go the point near the end of the forced dinner party where he and Harley start making out almost on top of the table, and the camera cuts to Selina and Tiffany looking incredibly uncomfortable◊.
  • There's also Joker's reactions if you deliberately mess up during the graveyard puzzle:
  (placing the Thomas Wayne sticker on Lucius Fox’s grave) “Your dead father killed Lucius Fox? Do you even know how time works?”
  (placing the Joe Chill sticker on Lucius Fox’s grave) “Your sense of history is bizarre. It’s just bizarre, Bruce.”
  (placing the Thomas Wayne sticker on John Doe’s grave) “Yes, Bruce. Zombie Thomas Wayne killed John.”
• During the fight with Joker and Harley Quinn in the Villain Route, Bruce and Joker end up getting close to a Test-Your-Strength machine. Bruce slams Joker towards the plate for it, but he stops himself. Only for Bruce to stomp Joker's head into the plate, apparently with enough force to ring the machine's bell.
• When Bruce has to dislocate his thumb to escape from handcuffs that the villainous Joker put him in, Selina has a darkly humorous line since she could be joking or actually have experience with that situation:
  Selina: I hate having to do that.
• In the Villain route, Batman has the option of telling Joker "You're Insane!" at Ace Chemicals. Joker's response is simply priceless.