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Funny / Bad Santa

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  • The sudden, unexpected cut to Willie during Marcus' and Gin's price negotiation argument.
  • The first scene in the Nevada Mall, as Willie and Marcus walk through the doors only to have the disgruntled, recently-canned Santa charge past the two, loudly declaring them "hacks".
  • "Fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa, fuck me Santa..."
  • Willie manages to avoid getting him and Marcus fired after the former was caught having anal sex in the dressing room with an overweight customer with this exchange:
    Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.
    Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?
    Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?
    Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.
    Willie: "You people"? Did you hear that Marcus? He said "you people".
    Marcus: Who the hell is "us people"?
    Bob Chipeska: No... He said... I... you don't under— what? No, no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.
    • All topped off by Willie's parting shot: "You're pathetic."
  • Willie's letter to The Kid explaining how he avoided going to jail after being caught by the cops:
    Willie: Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, which is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix Police Department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.
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  • Marcus utterly wrecks Willie with an epic and brutal verbal tongue-lashing in the food court.
    Willie: Jesus Christ, is everything fucking sex with you?
    Marcus: With me? I fuck one person. I ain't out there serial fornicating, trying to float my liver, drinking myself silly 'cause I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.
    Willie: What are you, Sigmund sawed-off fucking Freud?
    Marcus: Yeah, that's right, shit-for-brains. Go ahead, talk about my height. Make it about something safe. 'Cause you're an emotional fuckin' cripple. Your soul is dog shit. Every single fucking thing about you is ugly.
  • Willie eating lunch in the food court while in partial costume (pants and jacket). A mom and her son walk up to him, with the mother prodding her son to go sit on Santa's lap.
    Willie: (mouth full) I'M ON MY FUCKING LUNCH BREAK, OKAY?!
    Mother: Are you insane?! Management's gonna hear about this.
    Willie: (as the mother and her son walk away) Think that's a threat? If you think you can make my life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot.
  • Bob Chipeska reporting his misgivings about Willie to security chief Gin Slagel:
    Chipeska: I think perhaps someone who has screaming orgasms with large women shouldn't— (clears throat)
    Gin: Yeah.
    Chipeska: Of course, I can't fire him for that.
    Gin: Oh, yeah. Unfair practices. Special pleading. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Fucking broads.
    Chipeska: But I just can't help it. There's something about the guy...that makes me uneasy.
    Gin: Well, sure. Santa fucking someone in the ass.
    • And Chipeska's face after that last line.
  • The Kid's screaming his head off like a crazed banshee after cutting himself. It resounds through the house and wakes Willie from his drunken pass-out on the floor from last night. And his response of "I cut my hand by mistake!", as if it weren't inherently obvious.
    • Despite that, there's his grandma's ignorance of this, taking about making sandwiches again.
  • Willie's Cluster F-Bomb after his clock radio wakes him up playing "Holly Jolly Christmas".
  • The Kid asking Willie the elves' names and Willie answering "Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey..."
  • Willie's preferred style of fornicating (and its side effects) have become infamous:
    Willie: Hey, Opal. Come here.
    Opal: Uh-uh. Screw you, Willie, wit' your kinky ass. Last time, I didn't shit right for a week.
  • Willie beating up the bullies who harass the Kid.
    Willie: I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
    Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many, many fucking years of therapy.
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  • "You see, we don't celebrate Christmas around here, so... we're, uh, we're Muslims."
  • The expression on Bob's face when Willie uses the term "fuck stick":
    "He's not going to say "fuck stick" in front of the children, is he?!"
  • Willie putting on a ski mask before going into The Kid's house for the first time.
    "Is Granny spry?"
    • Followed by Willie and The Kid walking in and The Kid asks her "Are you spry?"
  • "Wish in one hand, shit in the other one. See which one fills up first."
  • During the otherwise tense scene where Marcus has Willie at gunpoint:
    Marcus: Every year, you're worse. Every year, less reliable. More booze. More bullshit. More butt-fucking.
    Willie: Sure. The three Bs.
  • "You probably shouldn't be digging in your ass."

From the sequel:

  • Willie explaining to Thurman how to have sex with Opal:
    Willie: Now, listen, here’s how it works. She’s gonna pull her rig off and she’s gonna get on all fours. Now, you stand behind her and drop your rig. Now, you’re gonna see something that looks like some kind of Japanese food. It ain’t, so don’t eat it. That’s your bullseye. Then you just start tugging on your little soldier. Wait till he gets to attention, then poke him in there. Keep poking it in there till he spits up. You’re gonna need a raincoat. She’ll have one, so don’t worry about that. As soon as you’re done, run to the bathroom, wash your crotch. That way, you don’t wake up wondering why you got oatmeal in your carpet. Breathe through your mouth so that you don’t puke. Shouldn’t be a problem for you. You got it? You got $60?
    • The fact that Opal has to use a colostomy bag because of all the anal sex she had with Willie.
  • The turf war between Willie and an overenthusiastic Santa, who may or may not be a pedophile.
  • It's pure Black Comedy, but Willie's Bungled Suicide attempts before Thurman walks in on him. First he tries sticking his head in an electric oven, then he tries awkwardly hanging himself from a ceiling fixture.
  • "I ain't exactly the romantic type, but you've got gigantic titties."
  • Marcus' phone goes off while he's doing recon in the air vent.
    Dorfman: It was probably just the fan.
    Regent: Well Dorfman, last time I checked, fans don't "pop that pussy".
  • This exchange:
    Thurman: Are you still gonna pop my cherry?
    Willie: Am I gonna WHAT?! No! Fuck no!

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