Funny / Austin Powers

"Au contraire, baby. I think you can't resist me."

Funny moments in the Austin Powers series.

General

• Any time Frau suddenly starts screaming at the top of her lungs, which causes most of the people around her to recoil.
  "Bring in the Fem-BOTS!"
  "SCOOOOOOOTT!"
  "Send in the CLOOONE!"
  "Begin laser IGNITIOOOON!" (Smacks riding crop)
  "Lies. ALL LIES!"
  "LOWER THE GLOOOBE!"
  "RELEASE THE METEOOOR!"

International Man of Mystery

• "That makes me angry! And when Dr. Evil gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset! And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset ... people DIE! (burns his henchmen) Why must I constantly be surrounded by frickin' idiots?"
• The opening:
  Radar Man: It appears to be in the shape of a Big Boy!
  Commander Gilmour: Good God! He's back!
  Radar Man: In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.
  Commander Gilmour: Shut up!
• Patty O'Brien and his lucky charms, which the authorities are always after. He doesn't understand why people keep laughing whenever he says that.
• Austin shamelessly hitting on Vanessa while on board his 747.
  Austin: Let me ask you something, and be honest. (turns on rotating bed and music) Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah, do I?
• Dr. Evil's out of the loop:
  Dr. Evil: Gentlemen: I have a plan. (Random Task takes Mr. Bigglesworth, but he grabs Dr. Evil's arm too, so he's wheeled away from the table. After wheeling back...) It's called blackmail. As you know, the royal family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the royal family pays us an exorbitant amount of money... or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage, and therefore... would have to divorce.
  Number Two: Ahem. Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
  Dr. Evil: OK, people, you have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for 30 years. Throw me a fricking bone here. I'm the boss. Need the info. No problem. Here's my second plan. In the sixties, I developed a weather-changing machine, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers", we punch a hole in the protective layer around the world, which we call the "ozone layer". Slowly, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
  Number Two: Ahem. That, also, has already been done.^note In the Recut version, he says "That, also, already has happened." This was from a separate unused take when filming that scene.
  Dr. Evil: Shit. (Beat) Oh hell, let’s just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good!
• "I'm badly burned, but I'm still alive!"
  • Dr. Evil having to call someone to finish off Mustafa:
    Yes, he’s down there.
    Is he dead?
    No, not dead. Burnt, badly.
    Want me to take care of him, pop him with a gun?
    Yes.
    Kill him?
    Riiiiight.
• Dr. Evil proves he's hip by doing a horrendous imitation of the Macarena.
  • And after that:
    Dr. Evil: Well, don't look at me like I'm frickin' Frankenstein. Give your father a hug!
    Scott: No. You're crazy!
    Dr. Evil: Hug! (starts chasing Scott)
    Scott: Don't touch me!
    Dr. Evil: Hug! Hug!
    Scott: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
• The "evacuation" scene.
• Due to being a man from the sixties Austin misinterprets the end of the cold war:
  Basil Exposition: Austin, this is Commander Gilmour, Strategic Command, and General Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence.
  Austin: Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?
  Basil : A lot's happened since you were frozen, Austin. The cold war's over.
  Austin: Well, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes eh? Hey, comrades? Eh?
  Basil: We won, Austin.
  Austin: Oh. Groovy. Smashing! Yea capitalism!
• When Austin gets back his stuff after being reanimated:
  Clerk: One blue, crushed velvet suit.
  Austin: Hey, all right!
  Clerk: One frilly, lace cravet.
  Austin: There it is!
  Clerk: One silver medallion with male symbol. One pair of Italian boots.
  Austin: Bon giorno, boys.
  Clerk: One vinyl record album. Burt Bacharach plays his hits.
  Austin: Right, yeah.
  Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
  Austin: (to Vanessa, embarrassed) That's not mine.
  Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
  Austin: I'm telling ya, baby, that's not mine!
  Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
  Austin: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!
  Clerk: One book, Swedish-Made Penis Enlargers and Me (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby). By Austin Powers.
  Austin: (stunned) ...Ah.
  Clerk: Just sign the form.
  • And in the end, he goes back to retrieve it.
• The gambling scene. It's so dumb, it's great.
  Number Two: (after using his X-ray vision eye patch to cheat at blackjack) Hit me.
  Dealer: You have seventeen, sir.
  Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
  Dealer: (turns card) Four. Twenty-one. (crowd claps; Austin is dealt his cards) Five.
  Austin: I'll stay.
  Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
  Austin: I also like to live dangerously.
  Dealer: As you wish, sir. (turns cards) Twenty beats your five. (crowd groans) I'm sorry, sir.
  Austin: Well, to be honest, cards aren't really my bag, baby.
• "Allow myself to introduce.......... myself."
  • "I am Richie Cunningham, and [turning to Vanessa] this is my wife Oprah."
• The scene in the casino bathroom where Austin is fighting off an assassin, but the cowboy in the stall next to him (played by Tom Arnold) thinks he's having a massive BM because of the grunting noises he's making.
  Austin: Who does Number Two work for?! Who... does... Number... Two... work... for?! ^note In the Recut version, he says (twice) "Who does Number Two work for?!" with the second time in that same manner, again from alternate takes from filming the scene.
  Cowboy: That's it, buddy. You show that turd who's boss!
  • And after the cowboy sees the drowned assassin face-down in the toilet:
    Cowboy: Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?!
• Dr. Evil's famous laugh. The entirety of it is more awkward and humorous than threatening.
• The group therapy session.
  • Dr Evil's description of his Hilariously Abusive Childhood, especially:
    Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential.
    Therapist: Oh, no, please, please. Let's hear about your childhood.
    Dr. Evil: Very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize; he would drink; he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy—the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical: summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of 14, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. (the people in the room start to get disgusted) There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum. It's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
    Therapist: You know, we have to stop.
• In fact, just about every scene between Dr. Evil and his son.
  Scott: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
  Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
  Scott: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
  Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
  Scott: You always do that!
• "She looks like she's been hit with an ugly stick!"
• After Dr. Evil gets a demonstration of the Fembots, he shows his appreciation with a truly painful Pun:
  Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber. [he snickers, but only gets blank stares from his henchmen] By "caliber" of course I mean both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters. Two meanings. Cali...ber..... it's a homonym..... [Number Two looks nonplussed] ...forget it.
• A bit of Black Humor as Austin recounts the people he knew from the 60's:
  "Jimi Hendrix. Deceased. Drugs."
  "Janis Joplin. Deceased. Alcohol."
  "Mama Cass. Deceased. Ham sandwich."
• When Austin tries to play a CD in a record player, causing a horrible scratching sound. The funniest part is him grinning beforehand, anticipating some groovy music, only to get startled and fall over.
• Austin watches a video tape of notable historic events in the last thirty years. Vanessa joins him:
  Vanessa: You know, Austin, sometimes I forget you've missed out on the last thirty years: The fall of the Berlin Wall, the first female prime minister, end of Apartheid.
  Austin: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay! I mean, women loved him. I didn't see that one coming.
  • Before she enters, Austin is watching footage of the moon landing and silently throws his arms up in disbelief.
• When Austin pumps the tongue of a modern shoe only to have it explode in his face.
• When Dr. Evil tries to sign off with the world leaders, and accidentally hits the button to prompt Beavis and Butt-Head to play instead:
  Beavis: Check it out, Butt-Head. This chick has three boobs! Hehehehehe.
  (the world leaders look at each other, confused)
  Butt-Head: How many butts does she have?
• The moment when Dr. Evil sits down in his chair, which slowly rolls away from the table. Random Task has to wheel him back.
• The entire original "Why don't you just shoot him?" conversation.
• After finding out that Number Two failed to get laser-armed sharks....^note Mike Meyers' comedic timing is absolutely perfect, moving this exchange from amusing to gut-bustingly hilarious
  Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can not be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. Alright, what do we have?
  Number 2: Sea bass.
  Dr. Evil: (beat) ...Riiiiight.
  Number 2: They're mutated sea bass.
  Dr. Evil: Oh, really? Are they ill tempered?
  Number 2: Absolutely.
  Dr. Evil: Well, it's a start.
• When Vanessa and Austin are about to be mutant sea bass food:
  Vanessa: Wait a minute... I always carry this with me, just in case. (pulls out floss)
  Austin: Okay, I get it. I have. Bad. Teeth.
• When Austin tries to turn around in his motorized tour cart during the finale. Instead of merely backing up down the hallway, he tries to do a Y-Turn with a vehicle in a really narrow hallway. The whole concept is so ridiculous it's great. In particular, the part where he looks backward but accidentally drives forward is hysterical, and all this eventually culminates in Austin somehow being wedged in the hallway horizontally.
  • The novelization of this scene has Austin realize he's gone "the wrong shagging way" via a Said Bookism of him thinking groovily, calls Dr. Evil's corridor walls "dastardly" and "unsexy", and has a bait-and-switch regarding the overall mood after Austin gets the cart wedged.
    "Yeah, baby!" said nobody, since this was not good.
• Austin looking up Vanessa's extremely short skirt as she climbs up a ladder.
• Random Task and the sheer Anti-Climax of his penultimate scene.
  Austin: Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
• "That's not your mother — it's a MAN, baby!
  Basil: You've got a lot of explaining to do!
  Austin: I'm sorry, Basil, I thought she was a man.
  Basil: DAMMIT man, you're talking about MY MOTHER!
  Austin: Well you have to admit she is rather mannish.
• The final shot of frozen Mr. Bigglesworth.◊
• The steamroller scene, in which Austin and Vanessa run down a henchman — Who happens to have the worst survivor skills on earth. As he literary just stands there giving a Big "NO!" despite it taking the steamroller a full minute to actually reach him.
• The usually cool, calm and collected Number Two almost breaking down into a sob at the beginning of his "Starscream Moment":
  Number Two:[whiny] I've had enough of you pushing me around!

The Spy Who Shagged Me

• This exchange:
  Austin: Vanessa, you're a fem-bot!
  Vanessa: No shit, Sherlock!
• Austin streaking through the hotel in the opening credits scene, where the names of the cast and various Scenery Censor objects do stunt double work for his favorite body part.
• The Jerry Springer appearance.
  Dr. Evil: You're a boil on your mother's -BLEEP-!
• You know things are about to go down when a KKK member of all people decides to deliver an insult to Scott:
  KKK Member: What are you, some kind of freak?!
• Dr. Evil going into full Papa Wolf mode is hilarious!
  • "I got your hood! I gotcher hood!"
  • Later in the scene:
    Dr. Evil: [Holding a model globe from the set up for the camera] The world is mine! The world is mine ya f#$%ers! [promptly smashes it on the ground, as if he didn't really know what to do with it]
  • Also, the fact that Jerry himself actually got involved, biting Dr. Evil on the leg: "Ah! He's biting me! The little "bleep"-er's biting me!"
  • Scott calling the KKK member a "skanky bitch".
• When Austin answers his car phone:
  Basil: How was your honeymoon?
  Austin: Well it turns out Vanessa was a fembot!
  Basil: (remorseful) Yes, we... knew all along, sadly. (chipper) Anyway...
• When Dr. Evil drinks a cafe latte and gets a bunch of its cream on his nose. He then chews out Number Two (who was trying to bring it up) for no reason.
  Dr. Evil: SILENCE!!! I will not tolerate your insolence!
  • Then Frau is able to do so:
    Dr. Evil: ...I know. Meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a "Belgian dip".
• Dr. Evil's startled jolt when he first meets Mini-Me. Funny every time.
• When we first meet Fat Bastard:
  Colonel: And try to lose some weight, for God's sake.
  Fat Bastard: Yes sir! Oh, Mr. English colonel tellin' me to lose weight. I'm a hard case, he says. Well, listen up, sonny Jim: I ate a baby! Oh, aye. Baby: The other other white meat. Baby: It's what's for dinner!
• Austin taking photos of the two models. At one point, he tells them to burrow, leading to this comment:
  Austin: Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Vietcong. (taking pictures of himself) And look: I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy.
• When Ivana Humpalot is at Austin's place:
  Ivana Humpalot: (seductively) Do you know what we do to keep warm in Russia?
  Austin: I can guess, baby.
  Ivana Humpalot: We play chess.
  Austin: I guessed wrong.
  • During the suggestive chess game, all of Austin's "erotic" actions when handling the chess pieces: Pretending one is some acne that he's popping, licking one and going "Ack.", and accidentally swallowing one of the pieces, which results in giving himself the Heimlich.
• "Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed."
  Basil: I suggest you don't think about those things and, just enjoy yourself. That goes for you all, too.
  Austin: (smiling to camera) Yes.
• When Austin Powers goes back to 1969, he encounters two of Dr Evil's henchmen at his pad. The female of the duo tries seducing him in a distraction from her colleague who's trying to throw a knife at him. Austin uses her as a Human Shield, then the other assassin uses a machine gun and she's soaks up the bullets, but doesn't die. Then the other assassin uses a bazooka, which blasts both her and Austin out the window. And during the fall, the female assassin, who's still somehow alive after that, notes that the fall will kill them both, Austin moves her in front of him so she'll take most of the blow. And when that still doesn't kill her or him, to the chagrin of her colleague, he reloads the machine gun and Austin wonders how she’s even still alive.
  Austin Powers: Why won't you die?!
• When Dr. Evil first arrives in 1969:
  Dr. Evil: You look so healthy and youthful.
  Number Two: Well, thank you.
  Dr. Evil: And Frau, you look so...
  (Frau looks exactly the same)
  Dr. Evil: Rrrrrrrrriiiiight...
• Mustafa: "I am the man who will be killing you now. DAKTARIIIII!!!"
  • And during the interrogation scene, Mustafa says, "Kiss my ass, Powers!" It's important to note that both of these lines aren't that funny in print, but the way Will Ferrell delivers them? Gold.
• This exchange after Fat Bastard causes Dr. Evil's volcanic lair to shake:
  Fat Bastard: FIRST THINGS FIRST — WHERE'S YA SHITTER? I GOT A TURTLE HEAD POKING OUT!...
  Dr. Evil: Charming.
  Fat Bastard: I'm not kiddin'. I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey! Oh, it's SQUIDGY! Oh, Christ, I'm gettin' all emotional from it...
• Fat Bastard saying about Mini-Me "He's tiny! I've had bigger chunks of corn in my crap!", ordering him to "Get in my belly!", singing "I want my baby back ribs..."
• Austin, to Felicity: "You're one groovy baby... baby. (laughs) Too many babies."
• The following, when Dr. Evil unveils his "Death Star" and Scotty laughs and calls him "Darth":
  Dr. Evil: What did you call me?
  Scott: Nothing. [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff!
  Dr. Evil: Bless you.
• Dr. Evil throwing a large globe at Number Two, who starts to break down crying.
  Dr. Evil: You want to wear the daddy pants?
• The lab after finding Fat Bastard's stool sample...
  Austin: (takes a sniff of what he thinks is coffee) Phew! Cor! This coffee smells like shit!
  (The camera follows Basil's gaze to the pot, which is labeled Fat Bastard Stool Sample)
  Basil: It is shit, Austin.
  Austin: Oh, good, then it's not just me. (chuckles, then takes a sip) ...it's a bit nutty.
• When Austin gives Felicity a massage, he asks her "How does that feel baby?", she says "Lower...!" causing him to ask the same question with a deeper voice.
• In a reversal of a joke from the first movie, when Dr. Evil goes back in time to 1969 and threatens the President of the United States with a $100 billion ransom, the president and his entire cabinet laugh in his face, telling him that amount of money doesn't even exist yet in the entire world.
  President: That's like saying "I want a kajillion bajillion dollars!"
  • And then he successfully intimidates them all... by playing a certain scene from Independence Day. Cue a Mass "Oh, Crap!" from everyone in the Oval Office.
    Dr Evil: Well, actually, that was just footage from the movie Independence Day, but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah... Scary.
• Dr. Evil to the president: "Show me the money!"
  Scott: Psst. It's 1969. Jerry Maguire won't come out for another thirty years. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Ass.
• Dr. Evil sings a parody of Will Smith's "Just the Two of Us".
  Dr. Evil: (rapping) From the moment I heard Frau say I had a clone / I knew that I'd be safe, 'cause I'd never be alone / An evil doctor shouldn't speak aloud about his feelings, / My hurt and my pain don't make me too appealing / I hoped Scott would look up to me / Run the business of the family / Head an evil empire, just like his dear old dad / Gave him the love and the things I never had / Scott would think I was a cool guy / Return the love I have, make me want to cry / Be evil, but have my feelings too / change my life with Oprah and Maya Angelou / But Scott rejected me, c'es la vie. / Life is cruel, treats you unfairly. / Even so, a God there must be / Mini-Me, you complete me.
• The slow-motion scene of Felicity on the beach in a white bikini and Austin standing next to her wearing the same bikini, complete with Record Needle Scratch.
• The tent silhouette scene with Felicity and Austin, where a bunch of Dr. Evil's mooks witness what looks like Felicity hammering a tennis racket into Austin's ass and pulling out an umbrella, a rope, and a gerbil, among other things.
• Mini-Me puts a dead skunk in Scott's bed.
• Mini-Me's "Goodbye" card to Scott, which features a drawing of Scott being hung in a game of Hangman, which leads Scott to immediately try to attack Mini-Me, only to be restrained by Number Two, while Fat Bastard eggs him on.
• Frau can't get the launch countdown right. First she begins at five, then Dr. Evil tells her to begin the countdown at thirty. Dr. Evil and Mini-Me board the rocket with too much time to spare, leaving them waiting impatiently while Frau keeps counting down. Dr. Evil opens the door and tells her, "When the doors close, just say 'Go'. Better."
• The following sequence when Dr Evil's phallic rocket arrives at Earth in the second Austin Powers movie:
  (Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar)
  Radar Operator: Colonel, you'd better take a look at this radar.
  Colonel: What is it, son?
  Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
  Jet Pilot: Dick.
  Co-Pilot: Yeah?
  Jet Pilot: Take a look out of starboard.
  Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
  Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker!
  Bird-Watching Man: (raising binoculars) Ooh, Where?
  Bird-Watching Woman: Wait, that's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
  Army Sergeant: Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object! It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
  Baseball Umpire: Two balls!
  (looking up from game)
  Baseball Umpire: What is that? That looks just like an enormous...
  Chinese Teacher: Wang! Pay attention.
  Wang: I was distracted by that enormous flying...
  Musician: Willie.
  Willie Nelson: Yeah?
  Musician: What's that?
  Willie Nelson: (squints) Well, it looks like a giant...
  Colonel: Johnson.
  Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
  Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
  • Later, near the end, it happens again:
    Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?
    Johnson: No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge...
    Schoolteacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong or...
    Dad: Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener?
    (The son points to the rocket)
    Son: Dad? What's that?
    Dad: I don't know, son, but it's got great big...
    Peanut seller: Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some— Lord Almighty!
    Woman: That looks just like my husband's...
    Ringmaster: One-Eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!
    One-Eyed Monster: (jumps out and roars, then points to the rocket) Hey, what's that? It looks like a big...
    Female Fan: Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have your autograph?
    Woody Harrelson: Sure, no problem.
    (Woody notices the rocket)
    Woody Harrelson: Oh my lord, look at that thing.
    Female Fan: It's so big!
    Woody Harrelson: Nah, I've seen bigger, that's...
    Dr. Evil: (To Mini-Me) Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space.
• Austin and Felicity arguing in the death trap:
  Austin: [referring to Felicity sleeping with Fat Bastard] Well how could you do it?
  Felicity: I was just doing my job.
  Austin: No I mean literally, how could you do it? The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics of it are mind-boggling.
• When Felicity abandons Austin's complicated plan to get past the one inept guard ^note "What if I pretend to be ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit, line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we escape." and just shows off her breasts:
  Felicity: What do you think of these, my man?
  Random Henchman: Mommy! (mindlessly walks into the lava)
• Dr Evil's "possessed" chair.
  Dr. Evil: Okay. Alright. All I asked for was a frickin' rotating chair, okay?! Whoa, okay, okay, okay, getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. Okay. Gonna vomit...
  • Made even better by the scene being completely unscripted; the chair just decided to go on the fritz, Myers just decided to start saying whatever was on his mind, and everyone just decided to Throw It In!
• The fake-out shocking revelation:
  Dr. Evil: (deep voice) Know this. Austin, I am your father.
  Austin: Really?
  Dr. Evil: (normal voice) No, not really. I can't back that up.
  Austin: Right. Idiot. Yes.
• Also amusing is The Stinger, where Frau reveals herself to be Scott's mother on the Jerry Springer show.
  Scott: I thought I was a test tube baby.
  Frau: Lies, ALL LIES!!!
  • Now we know what she meant when she said they "got a little impatient" in the first film in regards to producing his offspring.
• Even the teaser trailer gets one, by suckering us into thinking it's for The Phantom Menace (remember, this was when everyone was still hyped to no end for that film) until Dr. Evil spins around on Palpatine's chair and says "You were expecting someone else?"
  • It gets better; they even acknowledge that Episode I would steamroll over everything that season; "IF YOU ONLY SEE ONE MOVIE THIS SUMMER...see Star Wars." Cue Dr. Evil shrugging like, "Yeah, we know the deal."
• In a deleted scene, Fat Bastard complains about the smell inside the volcano. Dr. Evil says it's the sulfuric emissions, which Number Two remedies by spraying air freshener.
  Fat Bastard: Great, now it smells like someone took a shit in a pine tree!

Goldmember

• The fake-out in the beginning where the action sequence is actually from an in-universe Austin Powers movie starring Tom Cruise as Austin, and Danny DeVito as Mini-Me.
  Kevin Spacey as Dr. Evil: Hey, Powers! You better watch your friggin' self, because this is one doctor who does make house calls. Right, Mini-Me?
  Danny Devito as Mini-Me: Hey assholes! (gives the finger) I'm right over here! I'm Mini-Me! Come and get me!
• After the faux opening, when it's revealed to be a movie Austin's shooting:
  Austin: I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the greatest director in the world, is gonna make a mooooovie about my life. Very shagadelic, baby, yeah! Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
  Spielberg: (holding an Oscar) Uh, my friend here, thinks it's fine the way it is.
• When Austin uses his inherent sexiness to make several Fembots' heads explode, including Britney Spears.
  Austin: Oops! I did it again, baby!
• Number Two explaining that he's started a Hollywood talent agency:
  Number Two: By charging A-list clients 9 percent, rather than the traditional 10 percent, we've been able to sign such stars as George Clooney.
  Dr. Evil: Oh!
  Number Two: Julia Roberts.
  Dr. Evil: (impressed) Hey.
  Number Two: And Leo DiCaprio.
  Dr. Evil: (ecstatic, whispering to Mini Me) Leo.
• Dr. Evil meeting Number Three, and immediately obsessing over the giant mole on Three's face ("WHOA!").
  Dr. Evil: Aabuuuhhh......
• Dr. Evil and Frau suddenly taking on Canadian accents when discussing kids:
  Dr. Evil: You know when you have kids, I think your going to find that all kids are different, eh?
  Frau: Yah.
  Dr. Evil: Yah!
  Frau: Yah!
  Dr. Evil: Yah!
  Frau: Yah!
  Dr. Evil: Yah.
• Number Two tries to get things back on track during the "Scotty Don't" dialog:
  Number Two: Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time that you finished unveiling your plan?
  Dr. Evil: Thank you, number 2. Ladies and gentlemen. My plan is- Scotty don't.
  Scott: Oh come on, you're such a lame ass!
• This bit, during the same scene:
  Scott: You know, this is causing me serious psychological harm!
  Dr. Evil: (mocking) Ohhh... I don't know... who am I?
• Scott making fun of Dr. Evil's plan:
  Dr. Evil: Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H.
  (Scott snickers)
  Dr. Evil: ...What?
  Scott Evil: Why don't you just call it operation ass-cream, you ass.
  Dr. Evil: (still confused) I'm sorry, did you say you want some ice cream?
  Scott Evil: Yes, I would love some chocolate ass-cream.
  Dr. Evil: ...Perhaps later.
  (...)
  Dr. Evil: Yes Frau, on the whole, Preparation H feels good.
  (Scott snickers again)
  Dr. Evil: What is it now?
  Scott Evil: No, I totally agree with you. Preparation H does feel good... on the hole.
  Dr. Evil: Well I'm glad we're "spreckensee" the same "lingity".
• "Not so fast! You're surrounded, Dr. Evil!" "Shit."
  • Sets up a Brick Joke in the TV Edit version, where instead of "Shit," Dr. Evil says "I can't believe I got caught in the opening act!" Later, we see Austin's Bucket List, one of which says "Catch Dr. Evil in the opening act."
• During the trial, Mini-Me drops his pants and spanks his ass to the judge.
• The toothless gardener that laughs at Austin, who happens to look the same age in both the present and in Austin's flashback to his college days. Also a Rewatch Bonus, as Austin recognizes the gardener in the present day (the first time the audience sees him).
• A nod to odd-sounding Bond Girl names.
  Fook Mi: (runs to Austin) Austin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!
  Austin Powers: Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?
  Fook Mi: Fook Mi!
  Austin Powers: (pause) Oh, behave. (snickers) And your name is...
  Fook Mi: Fook Mi!
  Austin Powers: Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?
  Fook Mi: No! Fook Mi! Like this!
  (turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag)
  Austin Powers: Oh! Your name is Fook Mi!
  Fook Mi: Would you like a drink?
  (runs away to get drink)
  Austin Powers: Actually I have a private bar...
  (Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives)
  Fook Yu: Here you go!
  (gives him drink)
  Austin Powers: (thinking she's Fook Mi) Fook Mi, that was fast!
  Fook Yu: Fook Yu!
  Austin Powers: You're going the right way for a smack bottom, and I don't care who knows it!
  • A deleted scene adds to this, Austin meets them in Tokyo, culminating in a conversation that reveals the twins' true names to be "Sally" and "Cindy."
  • Austin's hilarious, wheezy "Twins! Twins!" when he sees Fook Yu and Mi together, almost sounding like he's had the wind punched out of him. Doubly funny is when he pulls out a notepad with the headline "Things to Do Before I Die", and crosses off "Threesome with Japanese twins".
    Basil: Austin, I'm sorry to interrupt.
    Austin Powers: (sternly) Twins, Basil. Twins.
• Nigel's boat is called the H.M.S. Shagatsea.
  • When Basil tells Austin that his father was kidnapped, a relieved Austin exclaims "oh, that's why my father wasn't at the knighting ceremony!" Basil corrects that Nigel was kidnapped after the ceremony, prompting Austin to just mutter "oh."
• Simple, yet hilarious misunderstanding:
  Dr. Evil: Quid pro quo, Mr. Powers.
  Austin Powers: Yes. Squid pro row.
• The flashback to Austin's college days, mostly due to how uncannily close Aaron Himelstein (playing young Austin) is to the real thing. Especially good is when young Austin is in bed with his French teacher:
  Teacher: Don't forget, monsieur Powers: Later, you have a brief oral exam.
  Austin: I hope it's mostly oral, and not too........ brief......... baby? You know.
• "Who throws a cup cake? Honestly..."
  • Made even funnier on the DVD commentary, when Mike Myers imitates a fan who loved that joke: "When he threw that cupcake, man..."
  • At the end of the flashback, Dr. Evil is in the corner taking a leak.
• Dr. Evil's maximum security jail cell isn't even locked. He accidentally opens it when yelling at Austin, and when he notices, he says "I'll get it." and shuts it himself.
• Dr. Evil, to Frau: "But nothing compares to this: Being inside the belly of the beast night after night all alone! DADDY'S ALL PENT UP! LET'S FREAK!!"
  • One bit not often mentioned in this scene is how Frau enters carrying a bag of Taco Bell. Just completes the whole trailer trash image that Frau is suddenly sporting.
  • The blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameo of Katie Couric as one of the prison guards, in unflattering make-up.
• When Dr. Evil tells the other prisoners his plan (that they'll start a riot, and he and Mini-Me will walk out the front door), one prisoner speaks up: "Yo, man, I know guys on crack that make more sense."
• The scene where Nathan Lane acts as the liaison between Austin and Foxy. So surreal. Typing a transcript doesn't do it justice, as much of the comedy comes from Lane's actions while mouthing Foxy's words.
• The wonderful scene in Goldmember when Austin "rescues" his father from four girls at Goldmember's party. Hilarity Ensues. (Subtitles are in parentheses)
  Austin: What's wrong with your neck?
  Nigel: I took a Viagra and it got stuck in my throat. I've had a stiff neck for hours.
  Both: Ah, thank you!
  Austin: Listen, Dad, if you are going to talk about naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak English English.
  Nigel: All right, my son. I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (I was about to make love to this pretty girl.)
  Austin: Are you telling pork-pies and a bag of trout? (Is this true?) Because if you are feeling quigly why not just have a J. Arthur? (If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)
  Nigel: What, billy no mates? (What, alone?)
  Austin: Too right, youth. (Indeed.)
  Nigel: Don't you remember the Crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)
  Austin: Oh, the one who was all sixes and sevens. (The insane one?)
  Nigel: Yes, yes yes she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer that lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer that lived upstairs.)
  Austin: And she was the barrister that became a bobby in a lorry, (She was a lawyer who became a policeman in a truck...)
  Both: *unintelligible, English-sounding gibberish, possibly mentioning a gatling gun* (??????) *some more gibberish*...tea kettle! (????...Tea kettle!) and then she, she she shat on a turtle! (Shat on a turtle!)
• "There are only two things I can't stand in this world: people who are intolerant of other peoples' cultures... and the Dutch."
• Austin just can't resist saying the word "mole", can he?
  • "Mole. Mole. Mollleee..." "OH, SHUT UP!" "...MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY!"
    Number Three: Bye.
    Austin: Mole.
• "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen!" (laughs, then notices he isn't getting any laughs from his submarine crew) "No? Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub..."
• Goldmember peels off some dead skin and opens his mouth...
  Dr. Evil: Allllllright, you're not gonna put that in your mouth, are ya- (Goldmember does) Ya did. Okay, that's just gross.
  (Mini-Me shakes his head disapprovingly)
  Goldmember: (clapping) Yes, salty.
• Dr. Evil has has a globe lowered for a demonstration of a plan... and it's lowered onto his head.
  Dr. Evil: Well, congratulations, numnuts, you've succeeded at turning me into a fricken jack-in-a-box!
• When Dr. Evil is hit in the groin with the meteor miniature.
  Dr. Evil: NO WAY!!!
  Goldmember: Right in the cannikin.
  Dr. Evil: GOD DAMMIT! (kicks the air) OWWW!! GUYS!!! Way to go, a-hole! Like, try and find my balls, for God's sakes! 1, 2, and 3, okay. I'm okay."
• And this little ditty:
  Goldmember: Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy. May I present to you, the very sexual, the very toite, Austin Power's faja.
  (pause)
  Dr. Evil: His what?
  Number 2: His faja, Dr. Evil.
  Dr. Evil: His ferdjer? What's a ferdjer?
  Goldmember: His faja. You know, the faja.
  Dr. Evil: You know Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky Dutch. Okay, perv boy?
  Goldmember: Faja, his dad, dad is faja.
  Dr. Evil: Oh, his dad. His *fa-ther*
  Goldmember: Yes, I have a Dutch accent. Isn't that vierd?
• This little piece of dialogue, which also doubles as an awesome moment:
  Nigel Powers: Easy peasy, lemon squeezy. Oh, put the guns down. Is this your first day on the job or something? Look, here is how it goes. You attack me and I knock you down with a single punch. Okay? Go.
  (a guard goes at him)
  Nigel Powers: Judo chop! (knocks first guard over with judo chop)
  Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
  Nigel Powers: Judo chop! (knocks second guard over with judo chop. The last guard standing there holds his gun nervously.) Do you know who I am?
  (guard nods)
  Nigel Powers: Do you know how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
  (guard nods again)
  Nigel Powers: And look at you, you don't even have a name tag! You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down? Go on, son.
  (the guard does so)
• "Blimey! I thought I smelled cabbage."
  • It's a Brick Joke, Austin once claimed in the first movie that he hated carnival folk. "Small hands, you know, smell like cabbage." Also because when Nigel was at school, one of the staples of a school dinner was boiled cabbage, so much so, that kids coming home from school used to smell of the stuff.
• This exchange:
  Goldmember: Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kind of my thing, you know?
  (Dr. Evil slowly rolls his chair right next to Goldmember)
  Dr. Evil: How 'bout NO, YOU CRAZY DUTCH BASTARD?!?
  (Goldmember makes a priceless "snubbed" face)
  • A recurring feature of all their scenes together is that Goldmember is so eccentric and insane that Dr. Evil is acting as the straightman.
• Nigel Powers discussing about Mini Me's .... thing.
  Nigel Powers: So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
  (Mini-Me nods unsure)
  Nigel Powers: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
  (Mini-Me unzips his pants)
  (* thump* )
  Nigel Powers: My word! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
  (Mini-Me nods, smiling, then does just that)
• From Fat Bastard, before the sumo match: "This diaper's makin' my nuts rub together! It's gonna start a fire!!!"
  • "You know what my favourite Helen Hunt movie is? TWISTER!" (twists his sumo opponent's testicles)
• "On top of spa...(grunts)ghetti... all covered in... AGGGGGHHHHH!!! cheese... I lost my poor meatball, when somebody... AGGGGGHHH!!! sneezed."
  • "WHAT THE—I DIDN'T HAVE ANY CORN!"
    • Which is something of a Call-Back to Fat Bastard's first appearance, when he remarked that he'd had "bigger chunks of corn [than Mini-Me]" in his crap.
  • "Hey diaper lady... here's my diaper. I think I might've pinched one off too soon. (sniffs his uniform) Oh, aye. I left a rosebud in there for ya." And the shrill string music when Austin freaks out and jumps out of the diaper cart is just fantastic.
• This bit, from the Austin/Fat Bastard scene:
  Austin: You really are a Fat Bastard!
  Fat Bastard: You know, that hurts my feelings. I tried going on a diet. "The Zone", you know, "carbs are the enemy, and (mumbles)..." (notices Foxxy) Hey, who's your friend? Oh, I'd like to have a go with that filly. Do you find me sexy? (rubs his breasts erotically) Oh look at my titties! (moans)
• During the fight scene, the wire fighting team from backstage loses their grip on Fat Bastard and he just hangs there.
  Fat Bastard: Oh great. Iiiiiiisn't this magical.
• Another famous Mood Whiplash:
  Fat Bastard: Well to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit. I really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know. But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, will always be tragically skewed.
  (Beat; Fat Basard farts)
  Austin: Did you just soil yourself?!
  Fat Bastard: Maybe. It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Alright, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Ooh, even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!
• The scene in which Dr. Evil finally gets his sharks with Frickin' Laser Beams attached to their heads is comedic gold. Scott is finally recognised as a worthy son of Dr. Evil (at the expense of Mini-Me), and they share a bonding moment, followed by this:
  Dr. Evil: Alright, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out! Everyone out, come on! (Scott moves to get up) Not you, Scottie. (Number Two moves to get up) Not you, Number Two. (Frau moves to get up) Not you, Frau. (Goldmember moves to get up) Not you, Goldmember. (Camera cuts to various henchmen around the sub) Not you guys back there. Not you, henchman holding wrench. Not you, henchman arbitrarily turning knobs, making it seem like you're doing something.
  (Awkward silence, as everyone turns to look as Mini-Me)
  Dr. Evil: Oooh, this is uncomfortable.
  Goldmember: Haha, the tiny one can't take a hint! He doesn't understand he is shmall, haha.
  • Followed by Mini-Me slowly wheeling his chair out of the room, but not before Flipping the Bird at Dr. Evil as he leaves. Dr. Evil then makes a sound of inexpressible rage and shock.
    • Mini-Me gets his revenge later by kicking Scott in the shin.
• When Austin visits Mr. Roboto:
  Austin: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Ah, thank you.
  • "You may be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debator." The line's good, but the aftermath is even funnier: Austin laughs at his own line but abruptly turns serious: "I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped."
  • This awkwardly delivered line:
    Austin: What do you know about my father's where.........about..........s?
• Austin having trouble reading the subtitles of Mr Roboto's dialogue. Just, the entire scene. That is all.
  Please eat some shitake mushrooms.
  Your assignment is an unhappy one.
  I have a huge rodent problem.
  • What ends these:
    Mr. Roboto: Why don't I just speak in English?!
    Austin: That would be a good idea, now wouldn't it? That way I wouldn't misread the subtitles, making it seem like you're saying things that are dirty. (after a pause, looks into the camera and smirks)
  • The first one is replaced in the TV edit:
    Please eat some dungeoness crabs.
  • Finishing off with one line from Austin himself.
    Oh, and by the way? I do have a huge rod... I wish.
• When the two leave Mr. Roboto's office:
  Austin: Mr Roboto was lying to us.
  Foxy: Tell me something I don't know.
  Austin: I open mouth kissed a horse once.
  Foxy: Say what?
  Austin: That's something you don't know.
• The scene where Austin has to keep peeing to make it look like the fountain statue is still working. Why Austin ate asparagus is anybody's guess...
  • Why there's a labelled plate of asparagus next to the fountain is an even bigger mystery.
  • Then when Austin gets the fountain plugged back in, some security guards get knocked out and one is at an angle where it looks like Austin is pissing in his mouth!
• During the car chase, Austin, Nigel, and Foxy are driving towards two semis. They scream for a really long time, and the camera cuts back to the semis, which are the same distance away as when they started screaming.
• A random Japanese pedestrian pointing out that the Godzilla attacking Tokyo is a fake.
  Brian Tee: RUN! IT'S GODZILLA!
  Masi Oka: It looks like Godzilla, but due to international copyright laws, it's not.
  Brian Tee: STILL, WE SHOULD RUN LIKE IT IS GODZILLA!
  Masi Oka: (looks at camera with a wry smile) Though it isn't.
  (Beat, both scream and run away)
  • After which, people in Charmander and Pikachu costumes can briefly be seen among the fleeing crowd.
    • Coincidentally, Warner Bros. (now the parent of New Line Cinema), Legendary Pictures and Toho collaborated on a new series of Godzilla films that began in 2014 as well as the Detective Pikachu movie.
• Austin and Nigel reminisce during their fight:
  Nigel: What about your Swedish nanny Helga?
  Austin: Rawr.
  Nigel: Let's say I didn't hire her for the cooking. She stayed on until you were 24!
• When Austin kicks Mini-Me all the way across the room, hitting the mini-fridge.
  • Austin chasing Mini-Me around a penthouse flailing a Japanese bokken while Number Three is on the phone with Basil expressing confidence that the two of them will get along just fine.
  • After Austin puts a pillowcase on Mini-Me and knocks him out with a frying pan, he then picks up Mini-Me in the pillowcase and uses him to smash up the room.
• "MOLE! BLOODY MOLE! We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face! I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacaMOH-LE!"
  • When Austin randomly starts poking the mole with a stick.
• Mini-Me hitting on Foxy by handing her notes:
  Foxy: "You are so beautiful. Are you a clone of an angel?" That's so sweet. No, Mini-man, I'm not. (Mini-Me hands her another note) "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?" Yes, I'm sure. (Mini-Me hands her one more note) "Would you like to?"
  Austin: (laughs, but stops when he sees Foxy's reaction) That is so not funny.
• A Call-Back to the last film with a satellite that looks like a pair of breasts:
  Radar Operator: Sir, Dr. Evil's not bluffing. One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
  Colonel: Which one?
  Radar Operator: It's the one that looks like a pair of—
  Hot Storekeeper: Melons! [holds up two cantaloupes] Big juicy melons!
  Random Passerby: Are they nice and firm?
  Hot Storekeeper: Well, what do you think?
  Random Passerby: [points into the sky] Look at that! It looks like a set of giant—
  Sports Fans: [Yelling and cheering; four of their chests spell "TITS"]
  T: Hey, A & N, you're late.
  [Two more men with "A" and "N" on their chests walk in and go between the "T" and the "S". The chests now spell "TITANS".]
  Sports Fans: [More yelling and cheering]
  One Fan: Check it out! Those remind me of—
  Ozzy Osbourne: Boobs! [Watching the game on television]
  Sharon: Boobs, Ozzy?
  Ozzy: These filmmakers are just f***ing boobs.
  Kelly: What do you mean, dad?
  Ozzy: Well, they're using the same f***ing joke as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
  Sharon: What f***ing joke?
  Jack: You know, the f***ing joke about the long, smooth rocket that looks like some guy's—
  Colonel: Johnson! Any sign of that satellite?
• When Mr. Roboto demands a bonus for providing Dr. Evil with technology for the device: "I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl. Thank you."
  • Then Scotty tells Dr. Evil, "Why don't you let me take care of this?" and sends Mr. Roboto into the shark pool, laughing way too hard.
    Dr. Evil: Scotty! Scotty! Take it down a notch. It's creepin' a bit.
• The Not What It Looks Like silhouette scene manages to top the second film, with the shadows of Austin and Mini-Me looking like a man who is able to give himself fellatio, and later looking like a pregnant man who "gives birth" to Mini-Me. The scene also features Mini-Me's arm holding an apple, providing a punchline to Nigel's comment earlier on.
• The bit where Scotty breaks down after realizing that Dr Evil is actually Nigel Powers' son is fairly serious, until he runs off very gently.
  Dr Evil: "I'd just like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl".
  • This is after Dr. Evil himself ran just like that about a minute ago.
• "You know, Dr. Evil, I used to think you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts!" Ah, thank you.
• When Goldmember is being struck by lightning, he repeatedly says "Faja!", and abruptly interrupts to sing, "Faja, can you hear meeeee?", only to go back to being electrocuted.
• Another Fat Bastard line: "Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina."
  • In the same scene, he looks noticeably thinner (though with countless wrinkles and folds of skin). He reveals that he took the "Subway Diet"—a jab at a heavily-advertised claim of someone eating only Subway sandwiches and losing weight as a result.
• The licence plate on Austin's car during the beginning of the film reads "SHAGUAR".

---