Unmarked spoilers below.
- The sidequest "Family Values" in Lokris. To wit, it's a twist on the story of Oedipus, with the usual son being the death of one parent and the accidental incestuous lover of another, only this time, it's the son of salt farmers who had trapped himself in a cage, Supideo. It's especially funny if you if you choose to romance Kosta, the local blacksmith, and the way The Reveal is delivered, where you both realize you had killed Supideo's birth mother and had sex with his birth father."You killed his mater and fucked his pater!"
- Earlier still, Kosta's referring to his penis as a "spear," which is currently "broken" necessitating finding flowers of Aphrodite. Even the Eagle Bearer gets mixed up.
- The Eagle Bearer will also make the same mental leap the player probably did, and start calling Supideo 'Stupideo'.
- In the demos featuring the Silver Islands (Mykonos & Delos), Barnabas and the protagonist triumphantly step off their ship as hints of "Ezio's Family" begin to play...just in time for the protagonist to begin puking their guts out.Barnabas: I never thought Poseidon's anger would be too much for the mighty Alexios'/Kassandra's stomach.
Alexios/Kassandra: That storm was more than just anger, Barnabas. That was personal!
- If you ask Barnabas to brief you again about your very first mission in Delos, which came in the form of a rather lengthy letter:Alexios/Kassandra: My mind wandered. Remind me what the note said?
Barnabas: (reading from the letter) "Eagle-bearing misthios."
Alexios/Kassandra: The short version, please.
Barnabas: (smiles and shakes his head) Podarkes... Cruel leader... Thirst for power... Pay you handsomely... Rebellion... People dying.
- Barnabas describes the Eagle Bearer as "fighting like Athena and shitting thunder like Zeus".
- The first time the player meets Kyra, they're greeted with spears pointed at them and a knife thrown at them as well. And Kyra was drunk! It's like something out of Tangled!
- If you chose to romance Kyra as either character:Alexios/Kassandra: We have a lot in common. I was hoping when the smoke clears, we could find somewhere quiet.
Kyra: And what exactly do we have in common?
Alexios/Kassandra: I just... We... I just thought that's what people said to each other. I wasn't expecting a follow-up.
- Spartan Kicking people off ledges and boats, down steep drops, or into the sea never really stops being entertaining. Same goes for Spartan Kicking wild animals, and watching them fly off like your unfortunate human foes. And yes, it really is named the "Spartan Kick" in-game.
- The Large Ham cultist (aka The Monger, the one that wants you to brand another cultist) that you meet the first time you meet Deimos. His over-the-top acting and voice are impossible not to laugh at.Cultist (to the Pythia): Speak! Before I really give you something to cry about!
- Thanks to early access footage, one of the first things that happens to Alexios/Kassandra is a brawl they get into after a particularly chuckle inducing exchange:Rogue: [...] Cyclops got a message for you!
Alexios/Kassandra: Tell your boss he can stick it— (Receives punch in the face)
Rogue: That's for last week!
- Throughout the prologue, the entire island has been cowering in fear of the Cyclops. When the protagonist finds him, he's drowning Barnabus in a pot for accidentally stomping on his Berserk Button. But the Eagle Bearer just looks completely bored, making it clear that this happens all the time.Alexios/Kassandra: [as though talking to a small child]...Did he say Cyclops? Did he hurt your feelings?
The Cyclops: I don't like it when people call me that!
- The protagonist insults a giant, hulking, one-eyed mercenary named "The Cyclops" by shoving his obsidian eye up a goat's butt before slapping it and sending it running off, then calmly telling him to "Go get it", not breaking eye contact with the thug the whole time. The Cyclops' subsequent howl of shock and rage really makes the scene.
- It gets better: you can hunt down that goat and retrieve the eye for an achievement.
- Should you attempt to climb onto the giant, stone genitals of the monuments of the gods and heroes, your character steadfastly refuses to go down there and comments, "I probably shouldn't climb on this." However, it was found that you can actually cling onto the lovingly carved and detailed genitals of the statue of Zeus in Kephallonia.
- While it can easily offend and disgust many people, the entirety of the "Age is Just a Number" quest where you help an elderly woman and her beleaguered husband satisfy her voracious hunger for sex. Because the husband refuses to drink the resulting potion, the protagonist can instead choose to attempt to satisfy her themselves, and they go at it for days, made funnier by the fact that for the entirety of that time, the husband gladly sits outside the house playing a lute, sometimes to an audience.
- The Olympics quest chain.
- Long ago, there was a leak of a screenshot, featuring a man named "Testikles." People thought it was a joke, until we found out he's actually in the game, as the original Pankration champion, who the Eagle Bearer has to escort to the games at the behest of Pausanias, one of the Kings of Sparta. The reason for this is that his trainer put him on an isolated island to train, as otherwise he'd end up getting into trouble, like knocking out five people and a bull on the way to the market to buy fruit.
- Herodotos and Barnabas being so awestruck and fascinated with him, as he is a several time Pankration Champion. The conversation revolving around one of his famous victories, and Herodotus attributing more thought and strategy to it than Testikles' himself actually used is great.
- Upon arriving at the games, and having some amusing interaction with resident Manipulative Bastard Alkibiades, he ends up accidentally falling off the docks and gets eaten by a shark. It's the reactions of everyone still on there that make it.The Eagle Bearer: Surely, he can swim. (they and Alkibiades watch as a shark swims away, blood in the water)Alkibiades: (inhales sharply) Oh... guess you're the champion now, huh?
- Everything about Alkibiades. His first appearance involves him walking around a crowded party naked (which, if not for the limitations of the rating, he would not have had that cloth around his waist), his inviting you to an orgy with men, women, and goats, and his flamboyant dialog that always makes him sound incredibly drunk, which he probably is. His silly and prancy musical leitmotif plays whenever in a dialogue mode with him, which makes it even harder to take situations he's involved in seriously.
- One of his sidequests asks you to deliver a mysterious package to a Spartan Soldier. You discover it's a cast of a dick, with a message implying the owner of it has had sex with said soldier's wife, which rightly sends him into a murderous rage. Aklibiades claims it's from a rival he needs dealt with, but it's actually his own penis.
- You learn Alkibiades' fiance is only marrying him for her own personal gain. You can either lie to spare his heart or you can tell the truth. How does he react to this betrayal?Alibiades: I knew she was special! To think I wasn't able to catch on. I can't wait to marry her!
- When asked about where he gets his legendary stamina for all his partying and fornicating, he claims it's all because of "Determination."
- When the protagonist first enters Atlantis, Ikaros flies past them to land on Pythagoras' arm. The protagonist's reaction?"Hrrm... Traitor."
- The "Trial of the Minotaur" sidequests in Pephka. In fact everybody in Pephka is trying to rip you off over the Minotaur, and next-door Messara isn't much better.
- The barker for the "Minotour de Force" sounds almost word for word like an advertiser for a wrestling or boxing match in the modern day, and even has a speedily said terms of service at the end as you would hear in a radio/TV commercial.Leiandros: Maximum of three members per Minotaur hunting party; purchase of Minotaur-themed merchandise is mandatory before proceeding; no legendary warriors, pregnant heroes, or legitimate gods (demi, semi, or otherwise), are eligible to fight the Minotaur; and no pushing—you'll all get a chance at dismemberment.
- The three Pre-Trials to the Trial of the Minotaur, where two of them have actors all around warning you to bribe the official than face horrific injury or certain doom. And to be fair, it's not like fighting a 7 foot giant the size of three men one-on-one with real weapons, or diving into shark infested waters to an underground cave is particularly safe.
- The Pre-Trial Master of Accuracy asks you to go find his missing sons, in the "world-famous and totally legitimate Pre-Trial of Accurately Finding My Sons." Should you ask him to describe them, he replies, "They're little shits. Wondrous, beautiful—but shits all the same."
- Aforementioned dive into shark infested waters? That's the pre-trial of Endurance. And the leap is on a makeshift diving board which looks very rickety, prompting the Eagle Bearer to ask something about the previous contestants.Eagle Bearer: Was everyone who took this trial drunk?
Trial Master: Yes, actually.
- After completing the three pre-trials, you meet up again with Leiandros, who offers to sell the tokens back to you (for a reasonable price). By this point, the Eagle Bearer has reached a state of Officially Done With This.Eagle Bearer: (after yet another scamming attempt) BY THE GODS!
- The two brothers that accompany you to slay the Minotaur wonder how the population of Pephka has survived if they're built right next to the lair of a man-eating monster. They conclude that the diet of the citizens disagrees with the Minotaur's stomach, and resolve to eat rich oils and onions as a result. After all the bravado and their intimidating appearances, they chicken out not a minute into the cave from some scary noises and snakes.The Eagle Bearer: (sighs) Pephka, land of heroes.
- The ending to the first part where you find out the Minotaur is just Leiandros in a crappy Minotaur costume.Leiandros: I am the Minotaur! Fear my Moo! ... Fear it?
- The Eagle Bearer's response to realizing the whole thing is a trap? Becoming really done with everything.Eagle Bearer: (as the thugs approach) I'm going to start stabbing until someone tells me what's going on.
- It quickly veers into Mood Whiplash when you learn the cultists are holding his daughter hostage in order to extort and murder heroes, then whiplashes again into funny when Leiandros starts hyping himself up as the Minotaur as you go rescue her, among other things.Leiandros: Why is this costume chafing so much?! I used a whole bottle of olive oil!
- What Leiandros says, still in-costume, pre-assault on the cultist fort: "It is I, the friendly Minotaur hiding in the bushes!"
- When Leiandros asks the Eagle Bearer if he should sneak through the enemy fortress with him/her:The Eagle Bearer: No. You're wearing horns...
- A beach-side village called Latos has a side-quest with a small boy who gives you a tour around town, trying to sell you Minotaur souvenirs, tries to sell you overpriced Minotaur Hoof Elixir (200 Drachmae) and comments that he's been doing this for 23 years. The tour ends in a cave where he demands 3000 Drachmae for all this information as two thugs step up behind you. You can pay it if you like getting ripped off like an idiot, or you can fight the two thugs and get 3500 Drachmae off him afterwards - which implies he's been paid 3000 Drachmae by others.
- About that Minotaur Hoof Elixir (made from minotaur hooves, doncherknow), refuse to buy it the first time, and the little shit really piles on the effort, trying to claim his grandma is sick and needs help. Then he starts coughing (in sympathy! He's a very empathetic person!). The Eagle Bearer suggests he just give his grandma some of the "elixir". He agrees... just as soon as you pay for it.
- The barker for the "Minotour de Force" sounds almost word for word like an advertiser for a wrestling or boxing match in the modern day, and even has a speedily said terms of service at the end as you would hear in a radio/TV commercial.
- The Eagle Bearer parties too hard, drinks too much wine, and even partakes in hallucinogenic mushrooms. The next morning, they and several Spartan soldiers are hungover on the beach, and they recount the events of last night to themselves:Eagle Bearer: Surely this is the aftereffect of the mushrooms. I remember the chicken coop, I remember the farmer's fields, I do not remember building a Trojan Horse. (all turn to the Trojan Horse replica in the distance)
- "What eagle?"
- The enemy AI actually manages to allow them to make stupid decisions in technically a show of Artificial Brilliance. If you're attacking a group of human enemies from range and they haven't detected you, and a civilian shows up nearby, it's possible for them to conclude "HEY! THAT GUY DID IT!" and start chasing them, leading to hilarious Benny Hill style chases where the Eagle Bearer runs after a procession of bandits chasing some random peasant.
- Athenians and Spartans will lock on to each other if their paths cross. Bandits and animals attack indiscriminately. And Mercenaries may even track you into the lair of a Legendary animal or bandits, and end up drawing their attacks and those of their minions, either killing or getting killed. And AI never loot bodies.
- After the Eagle Bearer is imprisoned in Athens, and Kleon sics two (thankfully unarmed) goons to beat them up, Barnabas and Sokrates valiantly break into their cell... after the Mithios had already beaten their attackers to submission. The looks on their faces are amplified by the fact that they're both wielding farm tools, the same weapons that civilians will pick up against you, and are about as effective as you'd expect them to be.
- Capped off by Barnabas giving a disappointed "Aw..." upon seeing that the guards have already been knocked out.
- Outside of Conquest Battles, Athens and Sparta are both neutral to you until you antagonize them or break their laws, as by trespassing. This can lead to hilarious moments where the two warring factions come into conflict and the Eagle Bearer is perfectly allowed to completely ignore them and do their own thing.
- Most of the hints shown in the Loading Screens are pretty informative... and then there's this one:The best strategy for defeating enemies is to reduce their health to zero while maintaining your own health above zero.
- If you happen to complete timed daily quests by accident during your travels, the quest description has this to say:Perhaps as part of her journey, perhaps simply because she was feeling violent that day, Kassandra unknowingly completed a job. All that remained was for her to collect her pay.
- A side-quest on one island has the Eagle Bearer helping a young woman trying to get a suitor's attention, only for a woman claiming to be a witch offering to "help". All the Eagle Bearer has to do is fetch these funny mushrooms and some very strong wine... should they do so, the next night they find out the result is (sadly) not a Mushroom Samba, but all the poor girl's hair fell out. The witch was playing Clingy Jealous Girl, and had been expecting a nasty rash - but is still happy with the results. Depending on the player's choices, the Eagle Bearer can try to kill her, or just yell out "Guards, there's a witch here!" and get them to do it instead - no bounty risk. Should they do that, her newly widowed hubby just shrugs it off with "I knew there was something suspicious about her".
- After approaching the Ancient Forge, you're brought back to the real world for a moment. You can have Layla wander around and interact with objects. One object happens to be a Raving Rabbids statue which causes Layla to let out an amusing "Bwahh?".
- One of the Lost Tales of Greece begins in a pirate camp. As you approach, you might be expecting, based on other bandit camps, that this is going to turn into a murderfest. But once the Eagle Bearer gets there, a cutscene begins showing the pirates have all gotten completely stoned out of their gourds... and so has Barnabas.
- Some of the random quests can be funny, simply for how petty the reasons the quest-giver orders someone's death for are, like laughing at them, or someone's brother hogging the credit for a work of art.
- With the storyline added in patch 1.20, there's new segments with Layla. One of them has her and the Assassins discussing the Basilisk thought experiment, result in this line when one of them calls the idea creepy:
- The Lost Tale of Greece quest "One Really, Really Bad Day" is just an exercise in the darkest comedy imaginable, as the Eagle Bearer, trying to help a village that's been snookered by a con artist pretending to be them, keeps making things worse. And the player is torn between laughing their head off at the absurdity and stupidity or just shaking their head in despair.
- Get rid of the pirates about to attack, with alarmingly suspicious ease? Those were the village's back-up. Disguised as pirates.
- Help a blind blacksmith get his tools back? He trips over his own forge and is crushed by his equipment falling on him. While his dog watches.
- Fetch a general's horse? The owner believes she's found a way to turn it into Pegasus, and if you can't persuade her otherwise, will make the poor thing leap off a goddamn cliff! (Which, naturally, the villagers blame you for.)
- You can then go loot her corpse. The half-eaten apple she's carrying is treated as a Legendary Item.
- Find a guy to train the villagers? He's convinced his helmet makes him fireproof, and demands you test this on him. Which you can do. Then you can loot the helmet off him, which manages to defy all logic by having an armor rating of zero. The helmet's description even notes that it's highly flammable. The metal helmet.
- As the cherry on the top, the helmet was forged by Kallipedes - the blind blacksmith.
- At the end of the quest, you get to meet the one responsible. They've done a really bad job imitating Kassandra / Alexios. Their bird can't even fly - it's a chicken!
- Choose to kill this guy for causing all these headaches in the first place, and you get four dramatic zoom-in shots: Eagle Bearer versus "Eagle Bearer", and Ikaros versus Chicken. The dramatic music cuts out at that last bit.
- One of the store packs is a set of Abstergo-brand gear. The item descriptions are full of Layla snark at the blatant anachronism. And then there's the pack's belt item.Layla: There aren't enough pouches on this belt? Here, hold my beer - in this pouch.
- At the end of the first episode of Fate of Atlantis, assuming you played your cards right (No guarantee), Persephone gets fed up of Hekate and strips away her ability to lie. Heky's first response?Hekate: You have no idea how to rule Elysium! And I hate your dress!
- The second episode of Fate of Atlantis has the Eagle Bearer run into the Cyclops again. Death has done nothing to improve his temper. This time, the Eagle Bearer threatens to take his other eye, and shove it up his ass this time. And just as he's threatening them... a goat appears out of nowhere. He then panics and sends his henchmen after it, rather than the armed, angry mercenary in front of him.
- In the third, the Eagle Bearer meets an Isu in Atlantis named Neokles looking to restore a failing garden through SCIENCE! The result is the Eagle Bearer, a mercenary from 4th century BCE Greece, having no idea what he's talking about when he breaks out the Technobabble.
- One dialogue option in the conversation when he mentions photons is "Not the photons", which gives us...Eagle Bearer: Not the photons!
Neokles: Who doesn't know what photons are?
Eagle Bearer: Just me and the entire Greek world.
- One dialogue option in the conversation when he mentions photons is "Not the photons", which gives us...
- In the Lost Tale of Greece quest "The Trial of Sokrates", the Eagle Bearer, looking for someone to help Sokrates, runs into a young kid called Aristokles... or Plato, as his brother called him. After a few seconds of conversation, it turns out the kid is already showing the philosophical chops he'll be known for, and the Eagle Bearer is exactly as thrilled as you'd imagine to meet a miniature Sokrates (one of the dialogue choice actually is "not another one").Aristokles: (about the symposium) Everyone here is seeking the same thing.
Eagle Bearer: Headaches?
- During the same quest, the Eagle Bearer meets and saves one of Soky's students, who's being hunted by the Cult. They ask the Eagle Bearer to prove they know Sokrates. One dialogue option has the Eagle Bearer complain about how Sokrates talks, and talks and talks. The student then concedes that while he doesn't agree with this, it does prove they know him alright.
- Also during the quest, the Eagle Bearer meets Sokrates's wife, Xanthippe. Who he never mentioned before. The Eagle Bearer is, understandably, a bit annoyed at this. Later on, Sokrates talks to the Eagle Bearer about their relationship, mentioning she puts him in mind of a horse.Eagle Bearer: Don't call her a horse to her face.
Sokrates: Your advice is too late.
- A random bit of dialogue that plays when the Eagle Bearer's on their ship in a storm:Barnabas: We should make an offering to Poseidon!
Eagle Bearer: (queasy) I've got an offering to Poseidon... (sound of them horking)
Barnabas: We should've brought a goat...
- During The Legacy of The First Blade storyline, we're introduced to the Order of the Ancients from last game, who have basically nothing to do with the Cult of Kosmos, who were billed as another branch of Proto-Templars. And well, there's just something vaguely amusing about the fact that there are two, separate conspiracies with armies of goons hunting assassins with magic bloodlines. Some characters even comment on the coincidence.
- The quest "Idiot Quest" in Kythera. An old lady at the docks is calling out for help. Should you approach her...Woman: It's my husband.
Eagle Bearer: What's the problem?
Woman: He's an idiot!
- Alexa Meets Alexios, and its sequel, where he responds to comments.Alexios: (blows horn) Awake! Apollo's steeds appear on the horizon!Alexios: "What the heck is going on with your marketing team? Did you give them too much money to burn this time?" I have an official response from the marketing team. (pulls out scroll, dollar bills fall out as he opens it, turns it around to reveal the word "YES!" with dollar signs around it)Alexios: "Alexios, why does an Assassin's Creed game not have assassins?" I don't know, why isn't Hippokrates made of hippos?
- Choose Life
- The actors answer questions in character. Alexios takes his status as the non-canon protagonist quite well.
- Reading the update history, you might notice some of the notifications get a little... snarky.Although roosters rule the roost, they will return to their initial positions if players flee like chickens from combat at the farm in Chicken or Egg.Mercenaries will no longer appear smarter than they really arePhoibe will no longer scream when hit with arrows after she's dead in And the Streets Run Red - Must show some respect for the dead!Alektryon will no longer be a chicken hiding in the arena.While you may be wary of hugs, tamed bears have had a change of heart and will now welcome your loving pets.Addressed an issue where Enemy Guards would not be alerted by the players arrow if shot while the NPC is currently attempting to wake an unconscious guard - That's why people get shot in the knee!Corrected a tablet's worth of short-term freezing and stuttering instances.The Felucca will no longer try to dive under big waves, causing graphical corruptions - gotta know your limits.Addressed an issue where wolves or dogs would drown when kicked in the water by the player. *tries not to judge*