Funny / American Pie

"We'll just tell your mother that...we ate it all."

You're bound to get a ton of these when the premise is young men trying to lose their virginity.

Stifler

• "I'll look for you guys in the no-fucking section."
• Stifler's taunting of Sherman at his parties.
  • In the first film:
    Stifler: Sherman!
    Sherman: Hey!
    Stifler: What the fuck are you doing here?!
  • The second:
    Stifler: Sherman!
    Sherman: Go ahead, Stifler. Laugh. Ha-ha.
    Stifler: No, I'm really happy to see you, man! (holds out hand in friendship)
    Sherman: (beat) Alright… (reaches for said hand)
    Stifler: (pulls away) You stupid fuck!
• Stifler makes his entrance into the second film by shoving a note in Oz's face saying "You fucking pussy!"
• "Here's a thought: I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass!"
• "Howdy-howdy fuckin' pardners!"
• Stifler finds a dildo and starts running around swinging it triumphantly.
  Jim: Where did you find that?
  Stifler: Finch's ass!
• The whole scene with Amber and Danielle forcing Stifler to do gay stuff with Jim and Finch. Comes to a head when Jim and Finch have to touch Stifler's penis, the sight of which is apparently too much for either of them.
  Stifler: I was the one making all the sacrifices!
• Stifler earning some serious gay street cred in a dance-off in part 3.
• Finch: "A witty saying proves nothing. -Voltaire"
  Stifler: "Suck my dick. -Ron Jeremy!"
• Stifler teaches some spoiled brats a lesson by taking a dump in their cooler and smashing their jetskis.
  "They splashed us".
• Stifler tries smuggling a drunk Kara into her bedroom without her parents noticing, using an old maneuver from high school that involves asking if he can use the home phone. He's immediately set back when Kara's dad asks why Stifler and the others don't have mobile phones.
• "Hey Finch, when you're getting rammed by your cellmate...think of Kevin!"
• Stifler meets Finch's attractive mother and upon realising that she's coming onto him, he says "I love you". It's the first time he's ever said that to a woman and his reason for sleeping with her is out of spite, rather than his usual lust.

American Pie 1

• "Suck me, beautiful."
• The aftermath of the Stifler beer incident, when the other partygoers find him heaving over a toilet.
  Kevin: Hey Stifler, how's the pale ale?
  Stifler: FUCK YOU!
  • In the uncensored version, Kevin says something different. Arguably, calling it "pale ale" is funnier.
    Kevin: Hey Stifler, how's the man chowder?
• The Nadia video, mostly for Jim's cringeworthy stripping and prematurely ejaculating twice within the space of a minute.
  • When Jim's dancing, Nadia briefly loses interest and flips through some of his porn mags.
• "Son, I want to talk to you about masturbation." (Jim rolls eyes)
  • Then the point when Jim's dad finds the unwrapped condom.
    Jim's dad: Well, it's safer than a tube sock.
• Vicky's dad nearly walks in on her getting some oral pleasure from Kevin. He stops just short of opening the door when he hears Vicky shout "I'M COMING!".
• When Oz shows up for the choir performance to do the duet with Heather, Albert asks if that means he can’t do the performance. His choir mate replies with, “Albert, you suck.”
• At the prom, the hired band does an awful cover of "Don't You Forget About Me", causing at least one person to shout "You suck!".
  • The prom in general is depicted as comically chintzy and uncool - to the point where Michelle says the dance they held at band camp was cooler.
• When Michelle asks Jim to tell one of his stories, Jim knows just the one...
  Jim: Stifler finds this beer, right...?
• "And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy."
  • Followed by a Spit Take.
  • When Jim and Michelle find a bedroom to do the deed, one of Stifler's little brothers pops out of the closet and taunts them about how they’re going to fuck.
  • Then Michelle insists that Jim wear TWO condoms so he doesn't go off prematurely like with Nadia. Apparently the whole reason she even accepted the date is because she saw the webcast, and figured that he was a "sure thing" in bed.
  • This is followed by wild, rough sex where Michelle takes control.
• "Oh, Finch!! " "Oh, STIFLER'S MOM!! "
  • The next morning:
    Stifler: Mom? Shitbreak?
    Finch: Oh, hey Stifler!
    (Stifler faints)
• The ending where Jim chats with Nadia online and does a striptease for her. Jim's dad walks in, then walks out with a spring in his step and calls for his wife.

American Pie 2

• The movie opens the last day of freshman year at college, with Noah picking up Jim with a sixpack of beer to share as part of father and son bonding, just like he once did with his own father. Problem is, he ends up walking in on Jim in the middle of having end-of-year sex with a girl, and to make matters worse, he walks back in to try and lessen the awkwardness with a speech about how sex is totally natural and nothing to be ashamed about. And then the GIRL'S parents show up...
  Noah: Oh, you must be the parents of this young lady right here!
• Jim learns upon returning home that his incident with Nadia from the first movie reached Never Live It Down status to the point that some girls at Stifler's party laugh at him. According to his dad, it was even brought up during a PTA meeting.
• During the coming-home party, Stifler's attempts at seducing a girl named Christy ends with him getting pissed on because the MILF guys thought the line to the bathroom was too long and just took a leak from the upstairs balcony.
• Jim meets Michelle after she used and left him, and he asks if he was any good.
  Oh wow. How could I forget...you sucked.
  • Though she still really likes him, affectionately saying he's her bitch. As well as the revelation of the other guys in bed with their girl sleeping on their shoulder, Jim is sleeping on Michelle's. Then there's her advice on seduction when Jim wants to grope her boobs.
    No, dingbat. You can't just go groping away. You gotta preheat the oven before you stick in the turkey.
• "Thank you! My name is Petey! Thank you! AND I HAVE GIGANTIC BALLS!"
• When Jim, Finch and Stifler have to do gay stuff in order to get two women to do lesbian stuff. Oz and Kevin - the two most sober members of the gang - fight each other for a view of the good stuff.
  Oz: (Watching Jim and Stifler kiss from outside) Ugh, Kev you can look.
  • And just like with the Nadia video, a miscalculation causes everyone in the area to hear everything.
    "Honey, come in. Food's ready!"
    "I'M NOT HUNGRY!"
  • Jim and Stifler have to kiss.
    Amber: That's how you kiss your mother!
    Stifler: (To Finch) Don't you say anything!
• Oz and Heather trying to have phone sex, which gets interrupted by a wrong number and Stifler eavesdropping.
  Oz: Look man, I've got my hand on my dick right now and I'm trying to have sex with my girlfriend over the phone!
  Wrong number: Hey man, good for you!
  Stifler: Oh, Heath-URR...bay-BEE...why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's?
• And this one time, at band camp, Michelle stuck a trumpet up Jim's ass.
  • Then the camp's director plays the trumpet.
• Jim supergluing one hand to his penis and the other to a porno, and trying to leave his room through the window looking like that.
  • Then when he's in the hospital with his dad, an old lady chews him out for possessing porn. Jim's dad goes all Papa Wolf on her, accidentally letting the whole hospital hear that his son glued his hand to his penis.
  "But you wouldn't know about that because you don't have a penis...Or maybe you do!"
• "I am the Sherminator".
  • And he lands Nadia. Because he's a geek. Cue "WTF!?" stares from Stifler and Jessica.
    Nadia: FUCK ME GEEK!
    Sherman:Affirmative!
  • Stifler and Jessica's reactions to this:
    Stifler/Jessica: No fucking way!
    (Both turn to stare at each other for a minute, seemingly considering something.)
    Jessica: Forget it.
    Stifler: (Scoffs) Like you have a chance.
    (Both take a shot at the same time and walk away.)

American Wedding

• When Jim's proposal to Michelle in "Wedding" goes horribly wrong - long story short, his dad ends up accidentally forcing him to expose himself to the entire restaurant.
  • And when Michelle says "Yes", Jim gushes about how happy he is...right before his pants drop off again exposing his erection.
  Jim's Dad: We should all be so happy.
• For mine, it's the engagement party. It starts with Stifler's introduction, driving a school bus down Jim's street and spotting all the cars parked outside his house.
  "Fuckers."
• He makes his way into the buffet, and sees the engagement cake with "CONGRATULATIONS JIM" written on top, which he can't resist messing with. Jim happens to enter the room at this point.
  "It says Congratulation Jism!"
• Then after Jim has closed the doors and turns around, he accidentally bumps into Stifler, still holding the cake. At groin-height.
  "Oh man, look at what you did. My dick looks like a corndog and I've got cake all over my balls."
• Then, the Flahertys' dogs come bounding into the room, and leap on Stifler, knocking him down and licking the cake off. Jim hunches over and starts trying rhythmically to pull the bigger dog away from Stifler's crotch, and somehow his pants drop to his knees. At this moment, Mr. Levenstein opens the door - "Ah!" - and just as quickly, closes it.
  "Lunch is, uh, served!".
• "OOH BABY DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S WORTH?! OOH, HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH!"
  • "Dear Stifler, I will be forever in your debt if you teach me to dance like you did in the gay bar..."
• The entirety of the bachelor party:
  • First and foremost, Jim wasn't invited despite being in his honor.
  • Finch suddenly screaming "Stick your finger in my ass!"
  • In the extended version Stifler tries dry-humping one from behind, only for the stripper to turn around and reveal that it was Finch in drag.
    • Again from the extended version is when the strippers are about to do lesbian stuff and Stifler and Finch tell them they're not into that.
  • When Jim comes home with Michelle's parents, the strippers and Bear try to act casual, but make just as big of a scene.
• Stifler and Finch's role reversal whenever Cadence is around.

American Reunion

• In Reunion Jim getting his erm, manhood stuck in the laptop while trying to hide his porn viewing from his son and then walking in on Michelle masturbating in the bathtub.
• The whole subplot over the MILF guy's sexuality. The penultimate scene in the movie is him reconnecting with the other MILF guy, where they only say "MILF", then tearfully hug and chant it over and over while watching Stifler bone Finch's Mom.
• Stifler sees some of his lacrosse buddies and calls them "cocksmokers". Seconds later we find out they're gay.
  Lacrosse Guy: The entire team was gay. You saw us in the showers.
  Stifler: (About to vomit) I just thought you were wrestling.
• Stifler gets Jim's dad drunk, then Stifler's Mom smokes weed with him. The result is that the sound of police sirens freak him out so much he jumps out the window of a second-story house.
• Sherman's Terminator obsession has only grown with age. He's named his son after Edward Furlong and uses the Terminator-data vision when scoping out a woman to pick up.
• After Jim and Michelle have sex, he asks if he was better than the shower and the flute.
• Returning to his childhood home, Jim finds his old room exactly like he remembers it. Exactly like he, and the viewers, remembers it, including the now-ancient computer, with the plastic yellowed with age. Even his old porn magazines are still there, complete with stuck-together pages.

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