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Funny / American Horror Story: Coven

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As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked as per policy. You Have Been Warned.

  • In episode 1, we get this from Madison: "I get it, bitch, you're clairvoyant!"
    • "I'm just mad for tartan!"
    • Also at the end of the episode, once Delphine LaLaurie had been dug up, the first thing Fiona does is ask if she needs a drink (and one would assume they go off to a local bar to get hammered).
  • The sheer look of surprise on LaLaurie's face when Nan unties her for making "Too much noise."
    • This doesn't do the scene justice. Nan, trying to read, is getting increasingly frustrated because of the mental noise she is hearing, before finally storming up to the room she is hidden, chews her out for thinking too loudly, and demands that she leaves. All to Mme. LaLaurie's increasingly baffled expression.
  • After their resurrection gone wrong in "Boy Parts":
    Zoe: Are you sure you said the spell correctly?
    Madison: Bitch, I've been acting since I was five. I know my lines.
    • And during the spell when Zoe asks, "...did we just marry the Devil? 'Cause... I don't know if I'm down with that."
  • "Out of my way, slave."
    • The subsequent reaction is priceless: "Who you calling slave, bitch?! Who is this stinky old lady?!"
    • After Queenie has introduced herself and Madison snarks "Is this the part where we all sing Kumbaya?":
    Queenie: Bitch, I will eat you!
  • Delphine fanning herself with a dusty, moth ridden old fan that clearly was with her all those years.
  • Delphine describing that she loved her daughters, even the ugly one that looked like a hippo.
  • Delphine blubbering like a ninny when she sees Barack Obama on television, and refusing to believe Fiona when she says that blacks have been successful on all levels of politics and business in the modern day.
  • Madison's mix of racist joke and fat joke:
    "Miss 'Aryan Sisterhood' came between Queenie and her food."
  • Madison's advances towards their handsome new neighbor getting completely ignored... because Luke is more interested in Nan and the cake she baked for him (Madison's reaction: "Are you seriously ignoring me for dessert?"). When his ultra-conservative Christian mother comes in and pisses Madison off, she eventually winds up setting their house on fire.
    Nan: I didn't know you could do that.
    Madison: Neither did I until now.
  • Marie looking important with her iPad while sitting on her throne discussing a fertility spell with Cordelia, when it turns out she was playing Solitaire the whole time.
  • Cordelia constantly spilling the wrong information to the visiting Council members.
  • Queenie giving her condolences about Madison's disappearance:
    "Madison Montgomery is a stone cold bitch who loves hard drinking, big dicks and trouble, if she's dead it's probably because she got wasted and offered the grim reaper a hand job or something." [sips her smoothie]
  • Spalding accidentally tearing the arm off Madison's corpse.
  • Nan's Translation: "Yes" responses when she reads Spalding's long-winded mind.
  • The first words out of Madison’s mouth after being brought back to life in "The Axeman Cometh":
    "I need a cigarette."
    • Later in the same episode, Marie referring to her rescued enemy Delphine. It's the emphasis on the "ragweed" that makes it:
    "When I plant a fat-ass cracker bitch, I expect her to stay planted! Not come back up like a goddamn ragweed!"
    • This exchange between Cordelia and the Axeman.
      Cordelia: Go to hell!
      Axeman: Ladies first.
  • Flashback Kyle and his love of Toto.
  • Delphine opining on a ripoff beauty treatment she received.
    Delphine: Madame LaFayette swore it took ten years off her face. I'd have saved a fortune if I'd seen the bitch in broad daylight.
  • Delphine and Queenie getting drive-through fast food in the oddest of Odd Friendships (Until Queenie turns on her, that is).
    • During the scene, the guy at the window asking if they want to super-size their order. Delphine asks "Do we dare?" like a little kid asking to steal cookies, complete with an excited/innocent expression. Even Queenie is amused by this and declares "HELL yeah!"
    • Their conversation while eating:
      Delphine: Lord in Heaven—the most DELICIOUS food I have eaten in my entire life! And that's sayin' something!
      Queenie: I know, right?
      Delphine: I'm startin' to understand why you're so enormous!
      Queenie: Yeah, but you do, Miss Daisy - all the damn time.
  • Fiona hanging a nice lampshade on Coven's habit of Death Is Cheap, when confronted by Madison and Myrtle.
    Fiona: Is everyone around here coming back to life?
  • When Nan asks a newly-resurrected Myrtle how her hair grew back so fast after being burned at the stake, to which Myrtle replies that she's been buying weave in bulk for years.
  • Myrtle remarking that she'd been told the sensation of becoming the new Supreme "starts as a tingling in the cooch." Also, the first thing she does after compassionately hearing Fiona's dying wish is to steal her jewelry on the way out.
  • Queenie subjecting Delphine's still talking detached head to a hilarious punishment. Namely, watching all eight hours of Roots (1977).
  • Cordelia, when she feels around for something on the kitchen counter and ends up dropping the eggs she was carrying:
    Cordelia: Can you people not move things around, some of us are blind.
  • Misty fainting like a stone at the sight of Stevie Nicks.
  • Nan telling Madison with mind control to "stick [her cigarette] in your vagina."
  • "God told me you put the bees in the car."
  • Cordelia having a complete and utter shit-fit. Doubly funny because of Myrtle. Who rolls her eyes and plays the theremin the whole time.
  • Fiona trying to sell Nan's soul to Papa Legba:
    "She's innocent! ...mostly. She killed the neighbor, but the bitch had it coming!"
  • Nan's reaction to her own death? Asking if she'll have to wear the same outfit for all of eternity.
  • Delphine serving the coven Madison's crap for dinner. And they're none the wiser.
    • Not only that but Myrtle excitedly exclaims about the ingredients of the soup such as cumin and coconut. It's all kinda funny in a squicky way.
  • Spalding provides LaLaurie with a powerful magical substance that will temporarily remove Marie Laveau's immortality: A package of over the counter Benadryl.
  • Papa Legba using his demon voice to tell a customer in Queenie's restaurant to go to the back of the line, it was meant to be intimidating and serious but it just ended up being funny.
    • From the same episode, Papa Legba asking for more marshmallows in his hot chocolate!
  • This exchange:
    Fiona: You know why I got a female attack dog?
    Hank: Because bitches stick together?
  • Delphine pretending to be a tour guide at her own mansion, particularly this exchange:
    Tourist: It says here she was a serial killer.
    Delphine: [quickly] That's a misprint.
  • Spalding making a fabulous little hair flip with a doll.
  • Cordelia subtly giving Misty Day permission to kick Madison's ass for having Misty Buried Alive, and not even bothering to intervene. It's as if she's been waiting for Madison's comeuppance and even when blind, she knows how it's gonna go down.
    Misty: [bitchslaps Madison, who stumbles backwards]
    Madison: [outraged] Cordelia?!
    Cordelia: [absolutely calm] I'm good.
    • Queenie cheering on Misty as she beats the shit out of Madison, and the Axeman comes out of nowhere only to get sent flying by the Coven. Just before that, seconds after Madison's asskicking, the Axeman shows up and she's back to her usual, nonchalant self.
      Madison: Boy, did you walk into the wrong house.
  • What is Madison's version of Hell?
    Madison: It was horrible! I was in a network musical! A live version of The Sound of Music. I wasn't even the lead. I was Liesl.
  • Fiona upon finding out that she died and is in hell where she's forced to be married to a man she doesn't love with none of her powers and living in a dingy shack and sees the woodwork.
    Fiona: What is this... knotty pine?!
  • Misty getting carried away with her mind control powers on Queenie, then immediately regretting when its Queenie's turn.
    Misty: No hard feelings, right? [Queenie proceeds to make her yank at her hair painfully]
  • Myrtle's completely bonkers last words: BALENCIAGAAA
  • Queenie's dancing due to Cordelia using her mind control powers on her.
  • Myrtle and her beloved, beloved theremin.
    Cordelia: What is that thing? It’s hideous and weird.
    Myrtle: [evenly] Don't be a hater, dear.
  • After Fiona and her new guard dog have just exchanged insults with Hank on the stairs, and then she opens a door and discovers Kyle.
    Fiona: Another goddamn boy? Jesus, these girls!