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Funny / Altered Carbon

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    Episode 1 - Out of the Past 

  • Ortega and Samir brainstorm why Laurens Bancroft would want to hire an ex-Envoy terrorist.
    Samir: Hired muscle? Uh, expensive toy? I don't know; maybe he's planning to invade another star system over the weekend like a Meth version of laser ball. Who the fuck knows?! [in Arabic] You made me swear.
  • Ortega's Cowboy Cop moments are always good for a laugh.
    Ortega: You couldn't just disable them?
    Poe: I'm fully licensed for customer protection. And in any case, his attackers were remarkably rude.
    Samir: (quietly) You've shot people for less...

    Episode 2 - Fallen Angel 

  • After Kovacs breaks into Vernon's apartment, beats him up, rifles through his stuff, finds his deepest darkest secret, and eats his cereal, Kovacs just goes to leave, without untying Vernon. Vernon is incredulous.
    Vernon: You're just gonna leave?
    Kovacs: [pauses, then puts some money on the chair] That's for the door... and the cereal.

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    Episode 3 - In a Lonely Place 

  • Kovacs carrying his arsenal in a pink kiddy's shoulder bag. Which he bought off a drug dealer who kept his entire stash in it. The guards don't appreciate him bringing guns into the most expensive building in the city.
    Kovacs: I would have left it in the car, but I really don't trust this neighborhood.

    Episode 4 - Force of Evil 

  • Ortega shock-batons unconscious a Tattooed Crook twice as big as she is, spins up her dead grandmother in his sleeve for the Day of the Dead, then brings him/her home to Mum and the kids.
    Grandma: Oh, calm down, Alazne. It's like you've never seen a tattoo before.
  • In the middle of torturing Kovacs, Dimi Two's blowtorch goes out (because he's used up all his credit). Kovacs tells him it happens to every man after a certain age.
  • After killing everyone in the Wei Clinic, Kovacs finds Vernon outside having just forced the cyborg thug to bring him there, and Boom Stackshots the latter without breaking stride.
    Vernon: I actually told him I'd let him live...

    Episode 5 - The Wrong Man 

  • When Kovacs and Ortega need to get into Isaac Bancroft's house.
    Ortega: I could call for a search warrant, but it may be faster to go for a knock...
    Ortega: ... or Kovacs. We could Kovacs.

    Episode 6 - Man With My Face 

  • While the context is sad (Kovacs is trying to distract Ortega so she doesn't fall unconscious and bleed to death), their quick conversation about Ryker is funny.
    Ortega: [Ryker] had the most open cases on the squad. Drove me crazy.
    Kovacs: Dumb and pretty, huh? Wouldn't have thought that'd be your type.
    Ortega: He wasn't dumb and you're not that pretty.

    Episode 7 - Nora Inu 

  • Vernon argues that, in order to regain hand-eye coordination, Poe should teach Lizzie something like sewing, tennis or the violin. Poe responds with the gem:
    Poe: To the best of my knowledge no one has ever crushed the testicles of an assailant using a stringed instrument.

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    Episode 8 - Clash by Night 

  • Kovacs having an Uncomfortable Elevator Moment with an insane religious hitman.
  • Rei rolling her eyes at Ortega being the love of Tak's life "this week, anyway." She says he has a type.

    Episode 9 - Rage in Heaven 

  • Kovacs tries a Break His Heart to Save Him on everyone, again.
    Kovacs: That's what we Envoys do: Make nice little rows of friends wherever we go, then line up behind the cannon fodder.
    Poe: ...we're friends?
    Vernon: Not really enough of us for cannon fodder.

    Episode 10 - The Killers 

  • Lizzy's rampage is cathartic and full of dark comedy.
    Customer: I didn't dial for the S and M package. Although, maybe I'll just take it anyway.
    Lizzie: [stabbing him in the head] It's on the house.

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