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Funny / Alpha Protocol

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  • During the mission to find Nasri you can find a missile launcher and hack it so it'll fire, killing some guards and triggering an alarm. Westridge will be very surprised to say the least, but Mike's reaction is priceless.
    Mike: (slightly embarrassed) I... uh... fired a missile. (beat) At the palace.
  • When Mike goes on a violent spree with SIE as his handler in Marburg's mansion, she'll orgiastically start humming "The Ride of the Valkyries".
  • "Oh, great. It's a picture of Darcy. It says 'Mike and Sean, fuck yeah!!!' with three exclamation points."
    • The best part is Mike's delivery. He observes it pure Deadpan Snarker, except for the "Fuck yeah!!!" part, where he emotes, then back to deadpan. It's so perfect.
  • "Two words: horse porn. All over your computer."
  • "I wonder how many gay cheetahs had to die to make that jacket?"
  • One of Heck's greatest lines ever:
    "Oh, yeah, I name all the operations that go down in Taipei. Even the ones that aren't mine! Operation Latex Turtle, Operation Angry Bees, Operation AAAAAAAAHHH-YOOOOOOOOOW! Heh. That was a good one."
    • Some of Michael's email replies to Heck are hysterical. During one of Heck's longwinded Conspiracy Kitchen Sink emails, one response Michael can give is:
      "Dear Steven, Please shut the fuck up. Sincerely, Michael Thorton."
    • The "Polite" response has Mike commenting, "That's quite possibly the longest single sentence I've ever read."
  • The NSA listening post in Rome. Mike's facial expressions in this scene are pure comedy gold. You'll know it when you see it.
  • One of Mike's possible responses when Deng orders him to get into a maintenance closet at gunpoint:
    "This is going to end with me pointing out where you touched me on the doll, isn't it?"
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  • If Mike is a veteran, while traveling through the catacombs of the ruins in Rome he'll start to hum something called "Sinister Music" by the subtitles. Mike actually sings the tune in time with the flickering lights.
  • If Mike agrees to let SIE...release him...and is agreeing to destroy Alpha Protocol, Westridge has some hilarious things to say about it afterwards.
    Westridge: You did not just do that in my medical bay. Bet it smells like cat piss and tuna in there...
    • Even funnier - Mike's encounter with SIE was captured by surveillance and has become the number one intelligence sought after every spy agency. Yes, Thorton's Sex Tape with SIE is wanted by every agency... for research.
  • Mike getting fed up with Grigori and beating the crap out of him. It starts off as a bit shocking, but then turns darkly humorous from Mike's commentary.
    Mike: (after smashing a bottle over Grigori's head) Aww, you spilled your wodka.
  • Mina's "Advanced Shooting Range": sneaking up on Darcy and tranqing him in the melon. While he scoffs about how easy the shooting range is.
    Darcy: (from the floor, slurring and muffled) Lucky shot!
    • It's even better when you shoot him in the balls. Mina is especially pleased.
    • By choosing to accept Mina's "challenge," you will then hear Darcy badmouthing Mike's performance on the course.
  • In the "Terse" reply to Mina's email to you in Moscow (where she tells you she is this close to filing sexual harassment claims against Darcy), Mike's solution is "Mace Darcy. Either the spray kind or the medieval kind."
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  • Sparing Brayko results one of the funniest news broadcasts in the game:
    INN Newscaster: Authorities say that he will be charged as soon as he is well enough to be discharged. Mr. Brayko had no statement for the press, but while he was being loaded into the ambulance, he was heard to remark that the party responsible for the attack "an expletive American commando cowboy like the expletive offspring of Ronald Reagan and an expletive American Ninja." ... a source within the hospital stated, that, quote, "The man had enough cocaine in him to make a baleen whale see Jesus."
  • If you have Heck as your Handler during the endgame, you got this conversation when your chopper gets blown up.
    Heck: I got good news and bad news, the bad news is that was our ride out of here.
    Mike: And the good news?
    Heck: I paid extra on the insurance package.
    • Almost all of Heck's dialogue & actions for the final mission are hilarious, transforming what could otherwise be a tense finale into a ridiculously awesome action movie climax.
  • If you agree to let Albatross be your handler for the mission at the US Embassy in Moscow, and choose the Suave response:
    Mike: Alright, I'll bring the marshmallows, you bring the hotdogs.
    Albatross: This is no time to joke.
    Mike: If you're too cheap to bring the hotdogs, just say so. Guess those G22 resources aren't all they're cracked up to be.
  • Aggressive!Mike is an endless font of misanthropic hilarity.
    Mina: Now that you've made it to Taipei, what are your plans?
    Mike: Mostly I figured I'd punch somebody until answers came out.
  • Then:
    Madison: Ever hear of 'anger management'?
    Mike: No, because I killed all my therapists.
  • Mina and SIE's sniping at each other. These two women really don't like each other.
  • Heck saves the day. He interrupts an otherwise tense moment with a magnificently-timed shotgun blast, and greets you like most would greet an old pal at a party, making a passing comment on how gross it is to bleed in a place like this, where the germs are probably as old as WWII. The secret WWII, not the usual one.
  • In the endgame, with the inimitable Steven Heck: 'Should I file that under M, for Mangled in Woodchipper, or W, for Woodchipper, Mangled?'
  • Brayko to Surkov: "Your bodyguard is busy winning gold medal in dying. I gave him 6.4 on the dismount but he did not stick the landing."
  • Steven's intro scene, where Mike walks in on him torturing his assistant Wen with dry cleaning solution... to learn the location of his keys.
    Heck: Oh, so you remember where they are now, do you?!
    Wen: (screaming through his gag)
    Heck: Candy dish?... Well, that does it, Wen, you know I don't like swee-
    Wen: (more screaming, wild gesturing)
    Heck: (looking to the side) Oh, the candy dish! That's right! That's where I left my keys! You should have said something earlier, Wen; you see what I almost made you drink?
  • During the final mission, if you've romanced SIE and Mina and subsequently rescue the latter.
    Mina: Are those fingernail marks on the back of your neck?
    Mike: I, uh... was attacked. I don't want to talk about it.
  • When you first meet Steven Heck, if you did the Rome missions first, be honest when he asks if you are who you say you are. When you tell him that you were responsible for that thing in Rome, he'll think Mike is Mehmet Ali Ağca, the man who almost killed Pope John Paul the II. And then compliment Mike on how he looks good for his age.
  • Have Mike walk through the sludge in the sewers in the Taipei mission where you have to take care of the Triads branded as traitors. He'll get grossed out, then tell himself to think of it as pudding.
  • One of the email exchanges with Scarlet, where she jokingly mentions all the hot lesbian sex she has with the other photojournalists in her spare time:
    Scarlet: I'd reward you with some hot lesbianic sex too but I don't think that would work, what with you not having a vagina and all.
  • Mike can taunt Marburg when they first meet in Rome, and ends up ripping into Leland along the way. The contempt and dismissal positively drip from his voice, in hilarious counterpoint to Marburg's low, raspy threats.
    Mike: You answer to a cardboard cutout half your age with the fashion sense of a screaming child. He spends thousands on his fucking hair.
  • Mike briefing Scarlet, Steven, and Mina before an op in Taipei. Mike tasks Steven with creating a diversion.
    Steven: You want a hot distraction or a loud distraction?
    Scarlet: What's the difference?
  • Mike is just as confused at some points at the Gambit Pileup as the player is.
    Mike: Who arranged the Halbech weapons to be smuggled into Moscow?
    Brayko: Surkov, why?
    Mike: [frustratedly] Damn it...
    • Alternatively, if Mike is able to figure out the Xanatos Gambit, it's the NPCs who get baffled by the Gambit Pileup (or at least Mike's ability to figure it all out).
    Mike: Surkov told me that you had the Halbech data records. That's what brought me here.
    Brayko: Sergei? Surkov was the one dealing with Halbech, not me!
    Brayko: HE TOLD YOU?! (Sighs) We worked together for years... and that arrogant FUCK didn't breathe a word about it - or the money. That's why I hijacked the data and the weapons in the first place, to make a point to that lying fuck! But then you come along, and he tells you everything? Fucking bullshit...
  • Suave Mike is a goldmine of those:
    Scarlet:(laughs) Has that line ever worked?
    Mike: I don't know, are you impressed?
    Scarlet: No.
    Mike: Then never.
  • Reading some of the Intel emails can be funny. For example, when you pay Heck to spike Brayko's coke, he writes:
    Mike, buddy, I was born ready for this. No really, the nurse that delivered me was totally coked out of her brains.
    • The email where you ask Heck for fire-support in the Taipei subway station has this gem of a response:
      Already there, I started camping out five days ago with a jug of water/urine jug and some cardboard wafers to keep the stomach gurgling to a minimum. If I see anyone who isn't you or anyone pretending to be you without actually being you, I'll make sure they're no longer you for much longer.
  • Using Shadow Operative in the Brayko boss fight abruptly cuts off his bombastic music and leaves him mumbling his frustration at not being able to find Mike into dead silence.
    Brayko: Alright, seriously buddy, where the fuck did you go?
  • At one point Mina sends Mike an email asking if he's ever heard of a 'DV server' since she overheard Parker muttering about it. The snarky response has him reply that he has and his password is "M1LFLuv3r". In response, she sends him the fake identity info to access a Swiss bank account with $25,000 in it, and a request that he "please accept this bribe to get [him] to stop emailing [her] dumb jokes like that ever again."
  • During the ending in which Heck saves the day and kills Scarlet, he'll reveal he knew she was the Taipei assassin. He also assumes Mike knew too when he had sex with her, and thought it was "classy" of him.

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