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Funny / Almost Human

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Episode 1 - Pilot

  • John dumping his MX out of a speeding car on the freeway because it was annoying him.
    Rudy: [skeptical] He fell? Out of a moving car?
    John Kennex: Yeah, crazy, huh? Must be some kind of software issue.

Episode 2 - Skin

  • After Dorian shows off for a few kids, they ask John if he can do anything cool. His idea of cool is stabbing himself in his fake leg, and sending the kids running away screaming.
    Dorian: I've never even been a child and I can tell that was traumatizing. What's wrong with you, man?
  • Rudy unintentionally reveals a bit more than he wanted:
    Rudy: Not everyone who visits a sexbot is looking for sex. Some people go for the conversation or for a sympathetic ear at the end of a long working day surrounded by people who only ever come to visit when they want something from you.
  • John finds out that Dorian created a dating profile for him. This after Dorian notices John acting flustered around the female sexbots. So while driving in a car:
    Dorian: I ran a bio-scan and it looked like your testicles were at full capacity.
    John: You’re scanning my balls?!
    Dorian: I didn’t enjoy it. I just—
    John: Oh my God—
    Dorian: I can’t help but notice.
    John: —this is unbelievable.
    Dorian: You’re backed up.
    John: What is the matter with you? [awkward pause] Don’t scan my testicles. Ever again.
    Dorian: Copy that.

Episode 3 - Are You Receiving?

  • John gets up in the morning and attaches his synthetic leg. As he walks around, he notices that the knee joint is squeaking. What does he do? He grabs some olive oil from the kitchen, pours some into his hands, and rubs it into the joint. The best part? It works!
  • In the car on the way to work.
    John: Hold this [hands Dorian a wire] and this [hands him another wire].
    Dorian: What am I doing here?
    John: You're heating my coffee. [Dorian tosses wires away, annoyed]. Hey, I like it hot.
    Dorian: It's best between 155 and 175 degrees. Most people prefer it at 175. You like it at 165... [sticks finger in coffee] and that's what it is.
    John: You know how I like my coffee?
    Dorian: Yes, I unlike you, pay attention to detail. Like what time it is. And what time you're supposed to pick up your partner for shift.
    John: Oh, I pay attention to details. Like how you just put your finger in my coffee.
    Dorian: If you like, I could put it somewhere else.
  • John attempting to keep a hostage on the phone calm by telling her a story about his childhood. How he fell through the ice during an ice fishing trip.
    Dorian: Are you trying to put her to sleep?
  • Dorian singing along to Elton John at the episode's end.

Episode 4 - The Bends

  • Maldonado and John discussing Cooper's initial undercover work and continuing it:
    John: The Bishop still needs a cook. I could pose as one, get a CI to vouch for me.
    Maldonado: You can't cook ramen, let alone the Bends.
    John: Oh, come on. I can cook ramen. [beat] I can order ramen.
  • Dorian becoming irritated with John during his Japanese lunch break. John tells him that he's not leaving the restaurant until he finished his meal, claiming that it would be considered rude in Japanese culture. That's when Dorian has a conversation with the chef and orders John (what appears to be) a screaming slug creature that John is forced to eat to back up his earlier claims.
  • When John and Dorian approach Rudy about going undercover as a drug cook, Rudy is so ecstatic about the idea that he becomes distracted by his reflection, envisioning himself as an Expy of a certain British spy. Following this he tries countless times to include a pair of spiffy glasses and a fedora for his disguise, which get shot down every time.
  • Apparently the main side-effect to the drug that turns your body into a living GPS relay is...really embarrassing gas. Poor Rudy.

Episode 5 - Blood Brothers

  • After being scarred by the reveal of the MX's anatomical impairment, John asks Dorian if he's like them downstairs. Cue Dorian whipping his cyber-schlong out right there in the car.
    John: Is that all for one person? Dude, put it away. Wait... you're a robot. What... what do you do with it?
    Dorian: Probably the same thing you do with yours... nothing.
    • The entire dialog segment is pretty amusing, too:
      John: Oh, I can't get it out of my head.
      Dorian: What are you talking about?
      John: The life-sized Ken doll.
      Dorian: That's what's bothering you? I'm the one that lives with them. I have no privacy, and they glare at me with their lifeless eyes. I'm miserable.
  • Then, later on, one of the witnesses is talking:
    Witness: I'm a psychic. And a medium. A little bit of both, I guess. [beat] A medium psychic? On good days, I'm a petite psychic.

Episode 6 - Arrythmia

Episode 7 - Simon Says

  • Dorian being stuck in Mood-Swinger mode all episode, due to being on low charge.
  • Dorian's 'Oh God, no' face when he has to move in with Rudy at the end of the episode.
    Dorian: [clenched teeth] Not what I had in mind, John!

Episode 8 - You Are Here

  • In the anger counselling class:
    Counsellor: When you came to see me six months ago, your emotions were boiling over with hate. You were seething with frustration and disgust at your neighbors, at your fellow workers, at our government. But today, you are a different man.
    (The man with the nametag "Jim" looks distinctly unimpressed with the glowing praise.)
    After the class has ended, Dorian meets up with John.
    Dorian: Hey, Mr. Friendly. How was Angry Class 101?
    John: Call me that again and I swear I'll stick my boot right in your face.
  • Detective Stahl is responding to Richard's comment to Dorian:
    Dorian: I'd be happy to help, Detective Stahl.
    Richard: Don't stress yourself, bot. There's an easier way. (To Stahl) Your daddy's really good at hiding money, right? Why don't we just ask him how it's done.
    Stahl: Stand up when you say that. Oh, wait, you are.
  • The side-effect of Dorian taking the tracking bullet to the gut: He's stuck speaking Korean. And singing it too.
  • Rudy's sudden enthusiasm for undercover work if it "even tangentially involves sexbots".

Episode 9 - Unbound

Episode 10 - Perception

  • Kennex is annoyed with Dorian:
    John: Well, look who it is. Benedict Android.
    Dorian: Good morning to you, too, John.
    John: Look, don't ever tell anybody where I am, where I was, what time I arrived or what time I left.
    Dorian: Captain Maldonado is our commanding officer.
  • Dorian is reciting a laundry list of symptoms from "Membliss":
    Dorian: ... and diarrhea.

Episode 11 - Disrupt

  • Kennex is informing Rudy of Detective Paul's "surgery":
    Rudy: I didn't know he had his ear pierced.
    John: Not his ear. His... (looks down meaningfully) (Rudy winces) Yeah. He was told to go professional; he didn't listen.
  • John continues to roll with the fun at Paul's expense to another officer inquiring about him:
    John: Hemorrhoids. Internal... and external.
    We're taking up a collection for him. We're gonna buy him one of those nice little donut pillows, you know?
  • Dorian finally calls him on it:
    Dorian: I looked at the roll call. It only says "personal day".
    John: Yeah, but doesn't that make you curious?
  • Rudy mishears something:
    Stahl: We're looking for someone named Crispin X. That sound familiar?
  • John keeps on trucking having fun at Paul's expense:
    Officer: Hey, I heard Detective Paul was in the hospital. What happened?
    John: Yeah. It was nasty. He got a, uh... infection from a sexbot. Apparently, you got to keep those things clean. Know what I mean?
    Officer: (sudden half-worried look on her face) Really?
    • John catching on to her reaction to this is equally funny.
  • The jokes at Paul's expense return at the end of the episode when the officer who got the "hemorrhoids" story comes by a completely baffled Maldonado's office with a donation collected from the guys in Patrol to go towards Paul's donut pillow fund.

Episode 12 - Beholder

  • Dorian has answered John's phone:
    Dorian: Uh, John Kennex's line ... Uh, he does not wish to speak with you right now. He is waving his hands, gesturing "no." ... Yes, I understand. I hate it when he does that, too.

Episode 13 - Straw Man

  • Dorian asks what John told the review board about his performance, and John decides to mess with Dorian a bit. He pretends he told the board about the time Dorian scanned his balls, and the time he showed John his robo-penis, and the time he kidnapped another DRN from the hospital, and...
  • During the review as well, we get a quick glimpse at part of John's interview, where he once again expresses his admiration of Dorian's actions in "Blood Brothers" in his own utterly dry way.
  • And then Detective Stahl continues her snarking at Paul's expense:
    Paul: Yeah, this is — this is the last time I'm the homeless guy. You know how long it takes to wash this stink off?
    Stahl: You sure that's not your cologne, Paul?
  • As a thank you for the "glowing" recommendation Kennex gave to the review board, Dorian presents him with a gift that is literally a cybernetic leg with wrapping paper over it and tells him to open it. Repeat: It is actually in the shape of a full size human leg. Kennex accepts it awkwardly, and then...
    Kennex: "Wow. I wonder what it is."
    Dorian: "It's a leg."
    Kennex: [side-eye] "Never mind."