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Funny / Abbott and Costello

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  • The epic "Who's On First" routine, done in a variety of settings throughout Abbott and Costello's career, and with a couple of variations, but always relying on the increasing frustration of Costello to get the nicknames straight with the position each ballplayer is at.
    • The version done for the movie The Naughty Nineties is considered the best, and is the one on display at the Baseball Hall of Fame.
    • And the final punchline:
    Lou: "I don't care!"
    Bud: "Oh, he's our shortstop."
    Lou: "NYAH!"
  • "My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean". definitely competes with "Who's on First" as the funniest skit in The Naughty Nineties, if not their entire career.
  • "Did you ever go to school, stupid?"
    • "Yessir, and I come out the same way."
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    • In the same movie — Little Giant — Lou is promised a job as a vacuum cleaner salesman if he can convince Bud that "7 times 13 is 28". To Bud's disbelief Lou does just that, leading to Bud hiring him simply so he won't have to chance listening to the explanation again.
  • The Lemon Bit. Probably the funniest con ever.
  • From Abbott and Costello meet the Killer, Boris Karloff, asked of a hypnotized Bud by Boris: How Would You Like to Die? Lou's response? "Old age." The hypnotist, a murderous and phony Swami played by Karloff, ultimately gets so frustrated with Lou's bungling that he grabs a knife from a drawer and snarls at Lou, "You'll commit suicide if it's the last thing you ever do!"
    • Lou's other botched suicide attempts in the same scene. The Swami orders Lou to put his gun to his head and use it, but the "gun" turns out to be a spray bottle. He then orders Lou to climb onto a windowsill and jump, and he does - right back into the room. Finally, he tells him to "plunge this knife into the heart of the man in the mirror". From Lou's point of view, the Swami is "the man in the mirror". Hilarity Ensues.
    • From the same flick, after Lou has become convinced that Bud has been trying to murder him all through the movie (he's actually just putting on an act to catch the real killer), and demands that a cop arrest him: "Lou, now don't do this! Remember, we're family. We have the same blood in our veins." "Yeah, and I wanna keep mine!"
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    • Also from the same movie, when Bud and Lou are checking out a room for any sign of who killed the man Lou's been (incorrectly) accused of killing, Lou hears a noise and opens the door to find the Swami, who promptly hypnotizes Lou with: "You didn't see me. You didn't see me. I wasn't here. I wasn't here." He then vanishes. Bud walks over and asks Lou:
    "What happened to you?"
    Lou: "I just opened the door, and my mind became a blank."
    Bud: "Your mind's been a blank all your life!"
  • In The Naughty Nineties, Bud falls overboard and yells for Lou to throw him a lifesaver. Lou responds by tossing him a candy Life Saver and saying "Here y'are, catch it!"
  • In Abbott and Costello meet the Mummy, at one point Lou gets trapped inside the Mummy's tomb with a gaggle of monsters, including a giant lizard (rather obviously an iguana). Lou runs all over the place, panicking as usual. Meanwhile the lizard crawls inside a large chamber. Lou ignorantly follows it inside and shuts the doors. Five seconds later: "HEEEYYYY ABBBOTTTT!" and Lou crashes through the chamber's solid stone walls to escape!
    • Earlier in the film, Bud explains to Lou that not all mummies are female. A stunned Lou asks Bud: "Wasn't your mummy a woman?"
    Bud: "I never had a mummy."
    Lou: "What did your father do, win ya in a crap game?"
  • In Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion, the boys turn in a note written in Arabic that they assume is proof of their sergeant's treason, but is actually an Arabic laundry ticket.
  • In Ride 'Em Cowboy, some guys put a dummy of an Indian chief in Lou's room as a joke. The real Indian chief then takes its place and messes with Lou, but pretends to be the dummy when Abbott's around.
    • The "Crazy House" skit shortly after where Lou dreams that he's in a mental ward and every single character in the movie is there as an Indian.
  • In Abbott and Costello meet Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Lou gets repeatedly mauled. At one point while trying to break up a brawl at an early Woman's Rights meeting he gets hit on the head by one furious woman so hard he is hammered into the ground like a nail. And then later on Lou has a needle full of Hyde-juice get repeatedly driven into his backside... leading to Lou becoming a second Hyde. He then terrorizes London before being dragged back to the police station, where he bites all the cops and turns THEM into Hydes!
    • Lou also ends up inside a wax museum where he gets terrified by dummies of Count Dracula and Frankenstein's Monster; is almost given heart failure by a walking (wax) head (after accidentally tossing it on top of a cat); and to cap it all off, he gets clobbered by an angry bobby after assuming he's a wax dummy too.
    • In the same movie, Lou drinks a bottle of "Mouse-ul" (Moselle) to try to turn into a mouse again, but instead gets drunk off his ass and hallucinates that Bud is the one turning into a mouse. And when he drunkenly staggers off a staircase into a cage, we get this:
    Bud: "Anything I can do for you?"
    Lou: "Yea - gimme a piece of cheese."
  • One memorable moment in Abbott and Costello go to Mars Even if they actually visit Venus instead occurs when the boys and two gangsters from Earth try to seduce the gorgeous Amazons of an entirely female Venus. It works until the Queen reminds her subjects of what their men were really like — a gang of Greek Gods with similar morals. The women then look disdainfully at Costello and the rest. Lou puffs his chest up, only to collapse at a dirty look from one angry Venusian.
    • Earlier in the movie, Abbott and Costello accidentally land in New Orleans during Mardi Gras and think that the costumed locals are Martians. Because they're just that stupid.
    • Also in the movie, early on after unintentionally stealing a rocket ship the fly into the Lincoln Tunnel with it. An obvious drunk sees them and charges into the bar he just vacated to resume drinking. Later, the same drunk, now clean-cut and obviously sober, is walking past the bar with an air of obvious disdain when he sees the rocket ship come flying back out of the Lincoln Tunnel. He charges back into the bar and starts swigging a whole bottle down. If you see things like that when you're sober, you may as well be drunk!
      • The first time the bartender listens to his story and yanks the bottle out of his hand declaring, "You've had enough!" Then a news report announces a rocket ship flying through the Lincoln Tunnel, whereupon the bartender takes a swig himself.
    • Also while terrorizing Earth in the rocket ship, they go flying at the Statue of Liberty. Lou shrieks at her to, "Duck, lady, duck!" She promptly does so, leaving Lou to do a Wild Take.
  • In Buck Privates, Lou winds up clinging to a branch after he falls over a cliff. When Bud casually asks him what he's doing in the tree, Lou shouts back, "I sat on it when it was an acorn!"
  • In Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd, the boys get shanghaied by the titular captain (played by Charles Laughton). At one point Kidd threatens Lou with putting him in irons. Lou asks him 'how they work'. Kidd obligingly puts the shackles on, and Lou starts giving him grief, even inviting Bud to take part. Bud and Lou leave the cabin for a moment. Unfortunately for Lou, Kidd escapes the shackles, but pretends to still be in them. So when Lou returns to the cabin...
    Lou (holding up his fist): "You wanna know what I'm gonna do now?"
    Captain Kidd (showing that his hands are free): "WHAT?"
    Lou: "I'm gonna run for my life!"
  • In Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops, the boys disguise themselves as a burglar and a cop in order to steal incriminating evidence from the Big Bad's home. Naturally, a real burglar and cop show up and Hilarity Ensues.
  • In The Time Of Their Lives, Lou plays the ghost of an American Revolutionary War tinker falsely accused of treason and shot dead and tossed down a well for it. He eventually meets up with Bud Abbott's character, a New York therapist who doesn't believe in ghosts and who is descended from (to say nothing of an exact twin for) a butler who tried to steal Lou's girlfriend when he was alive. Lou gleefully terrorizes the poor fellow until the very intimidating housekeeper walks in. The startled ghost flees after exclaiming:
    "Ods bodkins! What well did she come out of?"
    • Surprisingly, one of the best lines in that one doesn't come from Bud or Lou. When the cast is arriving at the restored mansion, one of them greets the very intimidating housekeeper thusly:
    "Pardon me, but didn't I see you in Rebecca?"
  • The bank scene in Buck Privates Come Home. Bud and Lou talk to a bank manager about a loan to fund their friend's midget racer, and bring the blueprints and a working model to show their preparedness. Lou starts up the model for the manager, but he starts it backwards and it backfires, making it look like he's robbing the bank with a machine gun through the office's frosted glass window.
  • In Comin' Round the Mountain, Devil Dan Winfield threatens to kill Wilbert (Costello), while Wilbert's friend sneaks up behind Winfield with a chair. Wilbert warns Winfield that he'll "get the chair", which Winfield dismisses because every local judge was family. Then Wilbert's friend hits Devil Dan Winfield with the chair.
    • Lou and Bud try to romance one of Lou's (distant) cousins with the aid of a Love Potion brewed by the local witch, played by Margaret Hamilton. When the cheapskate Bud tries cheating her, she makes a poppet of Lou and starts jabbing it with needles. Bud initially ignores Lou's howls of pain:
    "As the witch jabs Lou's doll in the backside with a needle:"
    '"Lou: "AHHH!"''
    "Lou: "You gotta lousy sense of direction!"
    • Lou ends it by making a doll of the witch and they stick each other for a while. Finally they call truce. Lou tells Bud to "Pay her." Bud responds with:
    "I'll pay her when I'm ready!" *Sees her making a doll of HIM.* "I'm ready!"
    • At the climax, Bud and Lou crash through the floor of a nearby mine and think they've found ancestor Squeezebox McCoy's lost gold. It's a gold treasure, alright, as they discover when a small army of Federal agents rushes into the room — Fort Knox.
  • In Hit the Ice, Bud and Lou are trying to sneak onto a train without tickets. Abbott notices a band getting onboard by announcing the instrument they play and sneaks into line behind the two bass fiddles:
    First Band Member: "Bass Fiddle."
    Second Band Member: "Second Bass."
    Abbott: "Third Bass."
    Costello: "Shortstop."
    Conductor: (marking off the list) "Shortstop..."(realizes) "Shortstop? Hey, you, 'shortstop'!"
    • Lou’s love interest gets angry at him and forces him backwards right up to the edge of a swimming pool, but he confounds expectations by not actually falling in. Lou then turns directly to the camera and smugly asks “You thought I was gonna fall in, didn’t you?” Right on cue, another scantily clad lady walks by and causes him to fall in.
  • In Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion, at one point Bud and Lou are fleeing some angry Arabs. They go right through a tent where a pretty harem girl is bathing. Hanging against the back of the tent is one big towel reading 'His' and what looks to be dozens reading 'Hers'.
  • The mudder/fodder (mistaken for mother/father by Costello) routine in It Aint Hay
    Lou Costello: I just bought me a racehorse and I gotta take care of him. What do you feed a horse anyway?
    Bud Abbott: Well, a horse eats his fodder.
    Lou Costello: He eats his father?
    Bud Abbott: Certainly.
    ...and so on...
  • Classic from Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein
    Chick Young (Abbot): What's the matter?
    Larry Talbot (Lon Chaney Jr.): I know you'll think I'm crazy, but... in a half-an-hour the moon will rise and I'll turn into a wolf.
    Wilbur Grey (Costello): You and 20 million other guys!
  • At one point in Hold That Ghost, Lou's character tries to explain what a figure of speech is with some examples, which Bud and Lou's love interest mercilessly insist on taking literally, until he finally tries yet another one:
    Lou: "When I said 'gone with the wind,' I should have said 'never the twain shall meet.'"
    Camille: "What twain?'''
    Lou: "The...the twain on twack twee!"

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