Film / Roller Blade

"Skate or die!"

"Skate or die!"

—Tagline

Roller Blade is a 1986 zero-budget post-apocalyptic roller skates film with nuns (yes, it's as crazy as it sounds). Made for no more than 5000 dollars by Donald G. Jackson and only released on vhs, it became a hit and made no less than one million dollars in the video rental stores, successful enough to spawn no less than four sequels. Up to date, there's still no release on any digital medium.

After another nuclear holocaust, the story takes place in "The City of Lost Angels" during "The Second Dark Age". The Sisters of the Holy Order of Roller Blades, led by Mother Speed and their ally Marshall Goodman have to fight against their enemy Saticoy, who wants to become the lord of the wasteland. Enter Hunter (aka Sister Fortune) who joins the Order and fights for justice and peace. There are punks, bums, samurais, a speaking hand puppet, a strange mix of 80s slang and archaic English, some gore, lots of nudity and the heavy use of the "smiley"-face. If this wasn't all crazy enough, you have to imagine this film as completely meant seriously, if you don't see it as a Stealth Parody and Stylistic Suck right away, there won't be many intentional jokes for you.

Note that the title is not lying - almost every character in this movie is constantly skating, being on roller skates or on skateboards, even if that makes life rather harder than easier.

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This movie contains examples of:

• The '80s: It's almost impossible to have more of the 80s in one movie: Hunter is a roller skating blonde bombshell with a spandex suit, a walkman and a butterfly knife. There are also punks and everything that can be seen on a typical American mall of the decade.
• Acid Pool: Saticoy has a huge one in his hideout and seemingly every character knows about this. Marshall Goodman even throws a bad guy into the acid with disastrous results.
• Acme Products: While we never see how Big Bad Saticoy is producing anything (and this shouldn't be possible), Hunter at point complains that the batteries for her walk man are just lousy "Saticoy batteries" and she needs some replacement. In Saticoy's hideout is a huge Acid Pool with a graffiti somewhere that says "Saticoy Acid".
• After the End: Of course the setting. It takes place after the nuclear war in the City of Lost Angels (= Los Angeles) but that's all information we get.
• Amazing Technicolor World: There are many areas with eye-destroying colors, most notable the church with its exaggerated colorful windows.
• The Apunkalypse: Besides the nuns and Saticoy, only the punks, another group of delinquents and Waco (has long hair and face paint) seem to have survived the apocalypse. Comes with many standard punky outfits and language of course.
• Audible Sharpness: The butterfly knives make huge noises when being thrown around.
• Barbarian Longhair: Waco's default appearance. He seems to be a lonesome scavenger who looks suspiciously like Ultimate Warrior.
• Big Bad: Saticoy seems to be a speaking hand puppet and is super evil but it turns out that he's just a minion of a masked guy who is really called Saticoy, the name of the puppet is never revealed.
• Big Good: Marshall Goodman is technically this (also hints the name) and he tries to keep up the law in the post-apocalypse but he's quite clueless too. He gives a speech to his son who runs away immediately afterwards and gets kidnapped for no reason.
• Blonde, Brunette, Redhead: Three naked women take a bath together during Hunter's inauguration ritual. They look so much like The Witches of Eastwick you could think it's a direct Shout-Out (but Roller Blade came one year earlier).
• Cargo Cult: While the nuns seem to be be Christian (judging by their clothes minus their hats and the "church" they are in) they worship a blue smiley-face with all they can give and have the iron cross as their symbol for some reason.
• Cassette Futurism: Hunter goes nowhere without her walkman and her headphones, in the beginning at least. The whole future just looks like the 80s and is mostly built of 80s analog technology.
• Clueless Deputy: Goodman's deputy is absolutely useless. Best example is when he imprisons the punks and gets knocked out by them immediately afterwards so they can escape easily.
• Cosmic Keystone: The nuns have a magic stone that is the source of all of their power. For some reason Saticoy needs it as a power source for his rocket sled.
• Deceptive Disciple: Hunter gets ordained by the nuns and IMMEDIATELY betrays her new friends by stealing their magic gemstone for her own profit. They still give her a honorable funeral by the end.
• Delinquent Hair: The punks come with typical hairstyles like mohawks and spikes.
• Delinquents: The other gang consisting of three guys that are not the punks. They kidnap Goodman's son and Waco wants to beat them up, but accidentally goes to the punks (and gets smashed).
• Destructive Saviour: This is implied in the ending song "Savior":

  "You're a hell-raising angel, defiant to the core... I have to pray for more... Savior, lift me out of hell... savior, just keep me in your spell."

• Disapproving Look: Hunter almost always keeps this look but she uses it the most when the Wong Ryder tries to impress her (unsuccessfully).
• Distress Ball: Marshall Goodman's son ignores the lecture of his father and goes out with a baseball cap and a toy gun only to be kidnapped immediately afterwards for absolutely no reason by guys who help Saticoy.
• Emoticon: Surprisingly before the dawn of the internet. The smiley-face is everywhere in this movie and is even the thing that the nuns pray to (seriously).
• Everything's Better with Samurai: There are some samurais randomly inserted into the work because why not inserting it in a post-apocalpytic fic?
• Fanservice: All over the place, most notable at Hunter's fraternity pledging where lots of women (but not her) show full-frontal nudity.
• Filming for Easy Dub: The dialog in the film is completely dubbed over and there are many shots where faces and lips are not seen.
• Graffiti Town: It looks like spraying is still quite a thing in the post-apocalypse and graffiti appears on almost any wall, bridge etc. There are many messages, faces and of course smilies.
• Hand Puppet: It looks like Saticoy is one and in fact, the thing we see is indeed a hand puppet, but it's not Saticoy but his perverse minion who is used like a hand puppet by his host. He still can walk on his own at times.
• Hollywood Acid: The acid in Saticoy's acid pool is capable of burning off an arm in one second and of course is slimy-green and makes "zsshhhhhh" on contact.
• Hyperspace Arsenal: The bum that hangs around near Saticoys hideout (called "The Wong Ryder") at least claims he has this. When Hunter wants to pass him, he lists all the stuff he supposedly has in his jacket:

  Hunter: "Who's gonna stop me?

  The Wong Ryder: "Me and my friends: Smith, Wesson, Colt, Luger, Winchester, Uzi, Bazooka, Uzi special, 38 special..."(gets hit)

• Idiot Ball: Although it doesn't further the plot very much, Waco is victim to this. He wants to take revenge on the three guys that have kidnapped Marshall Goodman's son but he instead fights three other random guys (the punks). After being defeated and resurrected by the nuns he immediately goes back to the punks and fights them again for absolutely no reason at all. He loses again but claims that they're getting weaker after all.
• Ironic Nickname: The leader of the nuns is "Mother Speed", although she sits in the wheelchair and never leaves her church (but she still wears roller skates).
• Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique: Marshall Goodman tries to get information from a punk by choking him. Unfortunately, he chokes him to death and doesn't get any information at all.
• The Man Behind the Man: Saticoy is in fact not the puppet, but the host and reveals his identity only later on.
• Mundane Made Awesome: Despite the pretty obvious roller skates, the film makes also good use of shopping carts and a group of mooks are almost never seen without it. They even use it to kidnap Marshall Goodman's son and hang him (inside the cart) from the ceiling. Also you will never be able to see aluminum foil in the same light again.
• Naughty Nun: With the exception of Mother Speed all of the nuns qualify as they look like (and are played by) playmates and skate around naked very often.
• New Rules as the Plot Demands: After having resurrected Waco no less than two times, Sister Sharon Cross is completely sad when Hunter aka Sister Fortune has died and it's not allowed to resurrect a nun three times. She even asks why it isn't possible, but keeps the answer to herself.
• No Bikes in the Apocalypse: Zigzagged. While there are indeed no bikes in this future, you can't say that there aren't other things like roller skates, skateboards and shopping carts, although they appear far too common now.
• Nun Too Holy: While the nuns usually go by a strict code of honor, Hunter aka Sister Fortune is quite badass and does a lot of chasing and fighting and even betrays the nuns by stealing their power gem.
• Off-the-Shelf FX: There's absolutely nothing in the film that could have costed anything, so they had no make every prop from junk, most notable Saticoy's rocket sled.
• Perverse Puppet: Saticoy or better said, his puppet seems to be quite amused when he can get hold of a nude woman and laughs in a very dirty and satisfied manner.
• The Quincy Punk: The three punks are a malevolent Wacky Wayside Tribe who permanently get in the way of Hunter and Waco and wear of course leather clothes and have mohawks.
• Random Events Plot: Until we finally learn what Saticoy really wants (and this is very late in the movie), namely to build a rocket sled with the nun's gemstone to fly over a huge ditch to reach the next town, completely random things happen: Some nuns are randomly attacked by some samurais, Hunter fights some delinquents and gets a member of the nuns, Waco takes random fights with the punks, Marshall Goodman's son gets abducted and some other nonsensical stuff happens.
• Rollerblade Good: An Exaggerated Trope here, almost EVERYBODY is going around in roller skates, with absolutely zero explanation as to why they can't just walk. It also seems that they summon there power from it, when Hunter (Sister Fortune) awakes with the nuns without her skates, she immediately panics (but they're just cleaned) and Marshall Goodman wants his son to learn skating because of reasons. There are also characters who use skateboards (like the punks) and even moments where people don't skate at all (like Marshall Goodman's son or Hunter at one point), but this doesn't go well for them most of the time.
• Ruins of the Modern Age: Supposedly, everything has been destroyed in the nuclear war. Still the end-times look like a mall's abandoned parking lot with much graffiti between them. In the night shots there are still buildings and the night lights of L.A. visible.
• Sensual Spandex: One of Hunter's outfit is this (as can be expected from a skating movie) and she makes a good shape in it. She temporarily replaces it by her nun's robe.
• Sigil Spam: It's not quite clear who exactly put it there, but the smiley-face is virtually everywhere. It's the thing that the nurses pray to (yes, really) and it can be seen on many walls and even appears superimposed in scenes where the nuns heal other people.
• Stealth Parody: You have to imagine this movie (with smiley-worshipping skating nuns fighting hand puppets with butterfly knives in the post-apocalypse with worse production values than any Ed Wood film) as completely meant seriously in the sense of there's no intentional humor to be found. However many people have missed that this is exactly the point and makes fun of audiences that take it seriously. Many people involved in the movie basically confirmed that it was of course Stylistic Suck.
• Talk to the Fist: When the Wong Ryder tells Hunter about his Hyperspace Arsenal she isn't impressed in the slightest and just beats him up with no warning. Afterwards he just lies around and plays his mouth organ because that's fun.
• Technical Pacifist: The nuns refuse to use deadly violence and are only allowed to stun their victims (this extends even to butterfly knives, if this is even possible).
• Tribal Face Paint: Waco has red color all over his face. With his long hair he looks like Ultimate Warrior.
• Urban Ruins: It all takes place in a post-nuke Los Angeles and there's much of a urban area, but the "ruin"-part is more implied to budget issues.
• Wacky Wayside Tribe: The punks have nothing to do with anything, but as soon as they cross the "holy boundary" (obviously between them and Marshall Goodman) they are constantly fought by Hunter and Waco (a guy who helps her find Marshall Goodman's son). He is stupid enough to fight them three time for no reason at all.
• Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe: The movie is filled with characters who use archaic English (or what they think it is) so expect to hear "thou", "thee", "thine" and "ye" a lot, especially by the nuns but also unexplainably by Marshall Goodman who combines it with a southern American accent and 80s slang.

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