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Film / Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

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A delightfully schlock-filled B-movie from Canada, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it would be about - Jesus Christ has returned, and he's fighting vampires.

For reasons unknown to anyone in the Catholic Church, there have been a rash of attacks on lesbians by vampires, and to make matters worse, they're now immune to sunlight (the vampires, not the lesbians, although it probably won't kill them either). There can be only one solution - to get Jesus from his hiding place, and take on the vampires, including the lesbians they've turned into more vampires. Along the way, he'll have to enlist the help of Mexican wrestler El Santos, "Apostle to the Apostles" Mary Magnum, and... learn to do a snazzy musical number?

This film provides examples of:

  • An Aesop: The film ends with Jesus delivering a seemingly sincere sermon about how it's important to follow his teachings, not him, and that it's better to make up your own mind and help out how you can than to try to be perfect. However, considering this is immediately followed up by a song called "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight," it's questionable how serious this is meant to be.
  • Anti-Villain: The thrift store clerk is working with the vampires but is fairly harmless and for the most part fairly lazy about his villainy.
  • Big Bad: Dr. Praetorious, the Mad Scientist making vamps immune to the sun.
  • Christianity is Catholic: When Jesus shows up to help Christians fight vampires, guess which denomination he shows up among? That said, it is one swingin' Catholic Church.
  • Clown Car: How many atheists fit into a single car? Lampshade Hanging applied: when the second wave attacks, Jesus throws his hands up in confusion.
  • Coconut Superpowers: The makers of this low-budget film had a problem: vampire films necessitate a lot of nighttime scenes, which means nighttime shooting, which means a lot of expensive lights, power concerns, fire hazards, etc. How to get around this problem? Make the movie about vampires gaining the ability to walk in daylight. Suddenly, a budget constraint becomes a story element!
  • Deus ex Machina: Obviously. Reaches its logical conclusion when Jesus is off fighting vampires, Dr. Praetorius is watching it on TV, and suddenly, Jesus bursts into the room...
    Praetorius: But you're in the wrecking yard! On TV live!
    Jesus: I'm EVERYWHERE!
  • Diabolus ex Nihilo: The atheists pouring out of an impossibly small car circus clown style and attacking Jesus for no reason.
  • Easily Forgiven: Dr. Praetorious is offered a Last-Second Chance by Jesus despite all of the evil he's done. Justified because it's Jesus. He refuses, and is killed shortly after.
  • Exactly What It Says on the Tin: It's Jesus Christ and he fights vampires. That's pretty darn accurate.
  • Expository Theme Tune: The closing theme, "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight".
  • Face–Heel Turn: Mary Magnum gets turned, but Jesus turns her back.
    • To a certain extent Maxine Shrek and Johnny Golgotha and possibly Father Eustace count as well, as Father Eustace mentions that both were do-gooders heavily involved in the Catholic Church before they were turned into vampires. Maxine gets turned back into a human like Mary does (as does the woman that El Santos liked), but Johnny and Father Eustace are killed out right
  • Fake Ultimate Mook: The atheist kung-fu monk did much more showing off than actual fighting and went down in one kick.
  • Flat-Earth Atheist: A couple dozen, who all attack Jesus for no particular reason.
  • Good Samaritan: In a modernized twist, the wounded Jesus is ignored by a clergyman and a police officer (who "stopped caring at 6PM"), but is rescued by a Wholesome Crossdresser.
  • Groin Attack: Done to Jesus.
  • Hollywood Atheist: Played for Laughs: a bunch of atheists attack Jesus out of nowhere. They pile out of a single car, get beaten by Jesus, and then disappear. Many atheist watchers find this hilarious.
  • Homage: Maxine Schreck is named after the leading actor in Nosferatu, Max Schreck. Dr. Praetorius is named for a character in Bride of Frankenstein. Santos is based on the legendary Mexican masked wrestler Rodolfo "El Santo, The Silver Masked Man" Guzmán Huerta, who you may recall from the MST3K treatment of "Samson vs. the Vampire Women".
  • Important Haircut: Jesus starts looking like depicted most often nowadays, with hippie hair, but that changes.
  • Improbable Weapon User: Jesus manages to fight off vampires with bad breath - justified, in that he specifically ate a schawarma with extra garlic sauce. Also, Dr. Praetorius fights with somebody's organs.
  • Jesus Was Way Cool: And totally cool about gay people.
  • Kung-Fu Jesus: The son of the Lord isn't afraid to fight hand-to-hand.
  • Last-Second Chance: Jesus allows Dr. Praetorius one of these, because "Not even this separates you from My Love!" Praetorius doesn't take it.
  • Lesbian Vampire: Justified, as lesbians are marginalized by society and thus easier prey.
  • Looks Like Jesus: Gradually inverted until Jesus completely stops looking like Jesus.
  • Made of Plasticine: The vampires are extremely easy to stake. Johnny Vegas gets a few kills in with some darts, and our Lord and Saviour uses toothpicks.
  • Male Gaze: Especially aimed at Mary Magnum, and especially during the air-duct scene.
  • Masked Luchador: El Santos, Captain Ersatz to legendary Mexican luchador El Santo.
  • Mask Power: El Santos is able to cure vampirism with a mask (well, and Jesus' help).
  • Men Are the Expendable Gender: All of the named female vampires get turned back into humans, but all of the male vampires get killed.
  • Names to Run Away from Really Fast: Johnny Golgotha, Maxine Shreck.
  • No One Could Survive That!: Jesus has a track record of prevailing even when being killed.
  • Obvious Stunt Double: While the shot's convincing in the movie proper, the outakes in the credits show the double for Mary Magnum's motorbike stunts without his helmet on (but wearing the, presumably padded, catsuit). That said, while the stunt double's gender is pretty well hidden in the film, the fact that the double's catsuit is a completely different shade of red makes it obvious when he's in the shot.
  • Our Vampires Are Different: Specifically, they can walk around in daylight because they're wearing the skin of virgin women.
  • Pint-Sized Powerhouse: Jesus is quite short, as is pointed out in the film. But he can still kick ass.
  • Protagonist Title: Yup, Jesus is the main character.
  • Retraux: Although certain things (such as cell phones and the date on the clothing store) make it clear that it was supposed to be set in what was then the present day (2001), the whole movie gives off a distinct '70s vibe.
  • Shout-Out: The Virgin Mary says, about lesbians, "Oh, God loves them. They get so much done in a day, don't you think?" This is a paraphrase of a line from a The Kids in the Hall sketch.
  • Vampire Hunter: Jesus: the titular Vampire Hunter.
  • Wholesome Crossdresser: In a pretty clear Good Samaritan recreation.
  • Worst News Judgment Ever: "CRITICAL LESBIAN SHORTAGE" (Fringe festival threatened!).
  • You Don't Look Like You: About a few minutes into the movie, Jesus stops looking like Jesus. He gets a haircut, gets a shave, and get his ears pierced for apparently no reason. Then slightly later, he stops wearing his robe and starts looking like a 70s exploitation movie star.