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Film / Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

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A delightfully schlock-filled B-movie from Canada, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it would be about - Jesus Christ has returned, and he's fighting vampires.

For reasons unknown to anyone in the Catholic Church, there have been a rash of attacks on lesbians by vampires, and to make matters worse, they're now immune to sunlight (the vampires, not the lesbians, although it probably won't kill them either). There can be only one solution - to get Jesus from his hiding place, and take on the vampires, including the lesbians they've turned into more vampires. Along the way, he'll have to enlist the help of Mexican wrestler El Santos, "Apostle to the Apostles" Mary Magnum, and... learn to do a snazzy musical number?


This film provides examples of:

  • Anti-Villain: The thrift store clerk is working with the vampires but is fairly harmless and for the most part fairly lazy about his villany.
  • Big Bad: Dr. Praetorious, the Mad Scientist making vamps immune to the sun.
  • Christianity Is Catholic: When Jesus shows up to help Christians fight vampires, guess which denomination he shows up among? That said, it is one swingin' Catholic Church.
  • Clown Car: How many atheists fit into a single car? Lampshade Hanging applied: when the second wave attacks, Jesus throws his hands up in confusion.
  • Coconut Superpowers: The makers of this low-budget film had a problem: vampire films necessitate a lot of nighttime scenes, which means nighttime shooting, which means a lot of expensive lights, power concerns, fire hazards, etc. How to get around this problem? Make the movie about vampires gaining the ability to walk in daylight. Suddenly, a budget constraint becomes a story element!
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  • Deus ex Machina: Obviously. Reaches its logical conclusion when Jesus is off fighting vampires, Dr. Praetorius is watching it on TV, and suddenly, Jesus bursts into the room...
    Praetorius: But you're in the wrecking yard! On TV live!
    Jesus: I'm EVERYWHERE!
  • Diabolus ex Nihilo: The atheists pouring out of an impossibly small car circus clown style and attacking Jesus for no reason.
  • Easily Forgiven: Dr. Praetorious is offered a Last-Second Chance by Jesus despite all of the evil he's done. Justified because it's Jesus. He refuses, and is killed shortly after.
  • Lesbian Vampire: Justified, as lesbians are marginalized by society and thus easier prey.
  • Looks Like Jesus: Gradually inverted until Jesus completely stops looking like Jesus.
  • Made of Plasticine: The vampires are extremely easy to stake. Johnny Vegas gets a few kills in with some darts, and our Lord and Saviour uses toothpicks.
  • Male Gaze: Especially aimed at Mary Magnum, and especially during the air-duct scene.
  • Masked Luchador: El Santos, Captain Ersatz to legendary Mexican luchador El Santo.
  • Mask Power: El Santos is able to cure vampirism with a mask (well, and Jesus' help).
  • Men Are the Expendable Gender: All of the named female vampires get turned back into humans, but all of the male vampires get killed.
  • Shout-Out: The Virgin Mary says, about lesbians, "Oh, God loves them. They get so much done in a day, don't you think?" This is a paraphrase of a line from a The Kids in the Hall sketch.
  • Vampire Hunter: Jesus: the titular Vampire Hunter.
  • Wholesome Crossdresser: In a pretty clear Good Samaritan recreation.
  • Worst News Judgment Ever: "CRITICAL LESBIAN SHORTAGE" (Fringe festival threatened!).
  • You Don't Look Like You: About a few minutes into the movie, Jesus stops looking like Jesus. He gets a haircut, gets a shave, and get his ears pierced for apparently no reason. Then slightly later, he stops wearing his robe and starts looking like a 70s exploitation movie star.