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Fanfic / X-Men: The Early Years

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And to think, I believed I was done with emergency medical after I left the army. I've spent more time in emergency rooms since the four of you came here than all my years as a practicing doctor. Would you mind telling me how you managed this one, Scott?
Professor X, after Cyclops got hurt climbing a roof in pursuit of Iceman.

X-Men: The Early Years is a X-Men Humor/Drama/Romance story by Lelia Burke featuring the Original Five X-Men.

Before Wolverine and Storm and Dark Phoenix and Days of Future Past, and Cable and Rachel Summers, and the Mutant Massacre and Age of Apocalypse... the X-Men were composed of an extremely cynical Deadpan Snarker, an extremely temperamental redhead, a jaded playboy, a Mad Scientist, a prankster and a teacher who daily reminded himself killing his students wouldn’t be right even if it’d spare him future headaches.

Even if they swear the thing in Paris with the sheik, the hit woman and Jeanette the Goat wasn't their fault.

It can be read here and here.


  • Abhorrent Admirer: Scott really, really doesn't like most of girls who chase after him.
    Hank: So what did the lovely Miss Hanson do?
    Scott: Besides try to kiss me and chase me around a table in front of everyone? She started singing, 'Take Another Little Piece of My Heart' — out of tune might I add — in the middle of Harry's, in front of everyone. I dropped the money for the pizzas on the counter and ran. I think I left Harry a really big tip. I have decided I'm never leaving the house again ever. What else can I do? I made it very clear that I'd rather dump gasoline over my head and set myself on fire than go out with her. How much more blunt do I have to be before she gets the idea?
  • Above the Influence: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", a heavily inebriated Jean throws herself at Scott. Scott states it's not happening.
    Scott: You're drunk. We shouldn't be doing this.
    Jean: Run wild with me. You would never be able to do it with Sue. Let go and lose control.
    Scott: We're not doing this.
    Jean: Why?
    Scott: We are not doing this. One, you're drunk and not thinking clearly. You're the closest thing to a best friend I have and I refuse to ruin our friendship for a five-second hormone rush. I care for you too much to take advantage of you like that; it's a line I won't cross. Two, I am not prepared or equipped for this and I can almost guarantee that you're not either. I refuse to do something in the heat of the moment that could affect the rest of your life. Three, if the guys ever found out, they would trounce me and I'd let them. We all agreed you're off limits. Four, what the guys left breathing the Professor would gladly finish off. So, we are not doing this.
  • Acceptable Breaks from Canon: Lelia takes several liberties with canon: the X-Men have already fought Sentinels before Marvel Girl joins the team, the boys know about Jean before her arrival, and Jean uses her telepathy openly before it was unlocked in canon.
  • All Girls Want Bad Boys: Before meeting Scott, Jean feels her interest piqued when her older sister advises her to avoid Scott Summers because he's trouble.
  • Are We There Yet?: In "Midnight Meetings", the team is heading towards an archeological dig.
    Bobby: Are we there yet?
    All: NO!
    Hank: Robert, we are heading towards an archeological dig. Does it look like were anywhere near the dig to you? Trust me no one wants to get there as badly as I do.
  • Ass Shove: During a camping trip, Scott threatens to shove the larger object he can find up a bully's butt.
  • Belligerent Sexual Tension: Hank, Warren and Bobby consider Scott and Jean's fights "entertainment".
    Sue: Hank can I ask you a question?
    Hank: Yes?
    Sue: Are those two going to kill each other or start ripping each other's clothes off?
    Hank: I don't think the two of them have it figured out yet.
  • Beneath the Mask: Sue, a troubled teenager girl whom Scott meets during a camping trip attempts to pass herself as an "easy" girl, hoping to find a suitable guy. When she's shown that kind of behavior is liable to draw the same kind of creeps who got her into trouble, Sue drops the act.
  • Berserk Button: For the love of God, DON'T diminish biochemistry and Twinkies to the face of Hank McCoy. Your demise will not be quick.
    Warren: So, care to explain what Joe did that you hate him so much for? Really, don't you think almost spilling acid on him is overreacting just a bit?
    Hank: He insulted both biochemistry and Twinkies. He had to be punished.
    Scott: (mockingly) Both Twinkies and biochemistry? The godless heretic should be chased from the earth.
    Hank: See. Scott agrees with me. I did not overreact.
  • Betty and Veronica: Warren and Scott (ironically, given X-Men's fandom belief Scott is a boy scout). Warren is the polite, kind suave playboy and Scott is the ornery, snarky boy with a criminal record.
  • Birthday Episode: The last episode is framed by Bobby’s birthday party.
  • "Blackmail" Is Such an Ugly Word: Inverted in "Twinkies, Holdups, and Other Things That Aren't Good For You", where blackmailed Warren uses euphemisms and blackmailer Scott tells him to call it what it is.
    Warren: Okay, okay. I'll go get my keys. Though I don't know why I'm so nice to you two.
    Scott: (rolling eyes) I believe you being nice had nothing to do with it. If I remember correctly, the word you're looking for is blackmail. Oh, yes it's coming back to me now. Something about you gluing Professor Xavier's favorite pipe back together. You broke it and I caught you gluing it with Hank's special glue in the kitchen.
    Warren: Blackmail is such an ugly little word and so harsh. We are going to get so much mileage out of this from Bobby. I think I'm going to have him wash my car first. I'll come up with something more humiliating later.
  • Big "NO!": In "Midnight Meetings":
    "Are we there yet?" Bobby Drake whined for about the thousandth time. Scott Summers just sighed. Hank McCoy rolled his eyes. Warren chuckled humorlessly to himself and Jean was going to start losing her temper.
    "NO!" Was the reply that quickly came from all his teammates.
  • Bound and Gagged: Every time Hank and Warren want to get Bobby out of the way, they pick Hank's special cold-proof rope.
  • Brick Joke:
    • In "Anger Management, Geeks, and Other Scarey Things", Scott admonishes Jean for punishing a pervert in front of witnesses instead of ambushing him in the dark. In "Can't Fight This Feeling" she's reminded of the need to dispose of the evidence in the events that she kills someone.
    • In the beginning of "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things":
      Hank: How does being an agent of Satan pay these days?
      Bobby: Pretty good. But [Scott]'s made my duties largely ceremonial, so I just don't get as much field work as I'd like.
    • And at the end of the episode:
      Bruno: (backing away from Bobby) Please, anyone but him! He's an agent of Satan!
      Scott: Incarnation of Evil please. I'd like to think I have the major religions covered (thoughtfully) I've really got to put him back in the field. As a minion, it's a waste keeping him for ceremonial use only.
  • Bully Hunter: Scott doesn’t put up with bullies.
    Bruno: While Little-Miss-Goodie-Two-Shoes is gone, I'm going to make myself perfectly clear. Make sure you keep yourself and your pet away from me. Mess with me, and you're both going to regret it.
    Bobby: Hey, jerk!
    Scott: Bobby. Let me handle this. Since we are making ourselves perfectly clear, Bruno, let me tell you how it is. You're going to be polite and respectful to everyone going on this trip. You're also going to leave Bobby and me alone.
    Bruno: Or?
    Scott: Or I'm going to wipe the ground with you, punk. I'm tired of your insult throwing, bad attitude, delinquent wannabe, whiney-ass, momma's boy, country-music-reject, self, already. If you don't behave, I'm going to take the nearest blunt object, something close to the size of Warren, Hank, and their tents and stuff it up your largest body crevice. I don't like bullies and I won't tolerate them. Bullies tend to bring out the worst in me. Did I make myself perfectly clear to you Bruno?
    Bruno: I'm supposed to be worried about that threat?
    Scott: Try me.
  • Cannot Spit It Out: Scott doesn't dare to confess his feelings because he believes Jean doesn’t like him back, isn't interested in a serious relationship and a romance between them would tear the team apart.
    Hank: Why don't you come out and tell her how you feel?
    Scott: Jean and I are just friends.
    Hank: There's nothing wrong with wanting to be more.
    Scott: (glaring) There is if I screw it up and it blows this team apart. There's a lot more to consider than how I feel. Besides, Jean has stated over and over again she's not interesting in a serious relationship. So it's better for us to stay friends.
  • Catapult Nightmare: In "Boy Scouts, Sex and Other Mysterious Things", Scott bolts awake after an intense dream.
  • Cat Smile: In "Can't Fight This Feeling", Hank and Bobby grin mischievously when they decide to ruin Warren and Candy's make-out session.
    "What should we do?"
    "We could always go bother Warren and Candy in the parking lot?" Hank suggested, an evil gleam in his eye.
    Bobby grinned maliciously. "Oh! This is going to be the best birthday ever."
  • Chandler's Law: Invoked when Scott is having dinner with Jean's parents and he wishes for a Sentinel attack.
    Scott ate his dinner slowly, wondering where the Sentinels were when you really needed them. The Greys were studying him with an expression that most people reserved for rather distasteful insects.
  • Cheshire Cat Grin: Jean smiles very beautifully and scarily before telling the guys spying on her again will not be tolerated.
    "Pizza would be great," Jean said, while the other three boys tried to look innocent. "I just came to see what you four were up to since you seem to hang out here on Friday nights, and none of you has ever thought to invite me." Jean grinned slyly as she grabbed a piece of pizza out of the box. "So you guys are up here talking guy talk about stalkers and other strange thing that I, as a woman, should not be party to?" The guys just nodded. Her grin grew. "Well, that's nice to know. And if I ever catch the four of you spying on me again, you'll wish tossing your cookies is the only thing I'll do to you, do you understand?" The four of them just nodded again.
  • Chick Magnet: Scott has accepted the fact he somehow draws women but he's helpless as to why.
  • Chronic Hero Syndrome: “Walking away” isn't something Scott is able to do.
    Scott wasn't quite sure how he'd ended up buying the goat. It had taken almost all the money Scott had brought along with him, but now he owned the ill-tempered creature. Someday, he vowed, he'd learn to ignore the little voice that always got him in to these messes. Next time, he swore to himself that he'd just walk away and mind his own business.
  • Clingy Jealous Girl: If you're a beautiful girl who’s just been brained by Jean after violating Scott's personal space, it was probably an accident. Probably.
    Sue shot Scott an even wider smile and started batting her eyelashes at him. Jean decided right then that she and Sue were going to have issues.
  • Comedic Sociopathy: Scott, Hank and Warren drive any boy who comes close to Jean crazy, Scott plays with the minds of people who displease him, Jean resorts to physical violence against whoever gets her angry, Hank and Warren tie Bobby up when they want to get rid of him...
  • Cool and Unusual Punishment: Jean catches a thief who had the temerity to snatch her purse, but she reveals her powers in the process. She doesn't want to mind-wipe him or let him go, so Warren finds a way to keep him around as they go shopping until he's willing to confess his crimes to the police without ratting them out.
    "You're kidding right?" Jean Grey glared at Warren rather coldly. "There is no way I'm wearing that outfit."
    "Trust me on this one Jean," Warren looked at her earnestly. "Wearing this outfit, no one is even going to blink at you leading around a tied and gagged man by a dog collar."
    "Did you bring a whip, too?" Jean asked coldly.
    "I hope so," Hank said, trying very hard to keep a straight face. "It would be the only accessory to complement that outfit... or maybe a handcuff belt. But that defiantly shouts 'cat-o-nine tails' to me. Warren's right, though; no one is going to think twice."
  • Crazy Jealous Guy: If you're unlucky Jean's date, Hank, Warren and Scott will drive you out. Or crazy. Or both. Usually both.
    "Hey guys, come quick! Jean's getting home with her date." Hank motioned from his location at the telescope. "Second week in a row." He trailed off a moment, staring through the eyepiece. "So that's Josh. They must be getting along fairly well, if they're going out for a second weekend."
    Warren got to the telescope first. "So that's Dorkboy. I think he's really gotta go."
    Hank took the telescope back from Warren. "Let’s see, letterman, three sports, band pin, I think — I can't really be sure about that one. Fairly tall, dark hair, and well built. I agree with Warren's assessment. Dorkboy's gotta go, my fine fellows."
  • Deadpan Snarker: Scott's humor is drier than most of world's deserts.
    Carol: So what have you been doing besides studying, Scott?
    Scott: Well, on my off time, I've saved the world a couple of times from evil mutants. I joined a cult and then overthrew its leader because he was badly mistreating his people. That, of course, is after the head of the cult tried to sacrifice me to a demon. After I overthrew the old leader, the members of the cult voted me their leader. I made everyone get jobs and outlawed human sacrifice. I helped them fix up their boarding house and open a soup kitchen for the homeless in its basement. I also organized a band for them, and they're playing at the children's hospital cancer ward benefit next month. Other than that, not much; it's been a slow month.
    Carol: (to Xavier) He's learning to express a sense of humor.
    Xavier: Yes, Scott is learning to express a sense of humor; a very dry one.
    Scott: (looking innocently) That's me, sir, life of the party.
    Carol: All I have to do is teach you how to smile now.
    Scott: Putting a smile on my face is like putting pastel colors on Wednesday Adams. Some things should just never be done.
  • Dead Pet Sketch: In one chapter, Bobby accidentally gets Hank's lab rat Blinky -who Hank, er, "liberated" from an animal research facility- killed. After some crazy shenanigans involving a pet store, a real confused bank robber and a Satan cultist's man-eating snake, Scott, Warren and Bobby manage to replace Blinky without Hank finding out... until the next morning when Hank discovers his male lab rat has had babies.
  • Death Glare: Jean has a lot of practice at glaring thanks to her teammates.
    Jean shot Hank a murderous look and shook her head in a manner that said 'don't do it.'
  • Defrosting Ice Queen: Played straight with Jean, who defrosts her snarky, prickly teammate Scott Summers. Subverted with Sue who believes Scott is playing "hard to get" rather than being "hard to get".
  • "Die Hard" on an X: Parodied. In "Twinkies, Holdups and Other Things that Aren't Good For You", an incredibly dense crook attempts to rob a pet store, believing it to be a bank, right when Scott, Warren and Bobby are buying a new pet. The trio has to figure out a way to take him down without revealing their powers. Eventually Cyclops manages to frighten him out of the place.
  • Distracted by the Sexy: Jean causes this in "Hit Women, Goats, and Other Vacation Blunders":
    "Look, Jean, you're only getting a few shocked glances. Oh, wait, that gentleman over there is wiping the drool from the corner of his mouth."
    "How polite of him," Jean snarled, glaring at Hank.
  • Doing In the Wizard: Aided by Bobby’s cold-manipulation tricks, Scott tricks a Satan cultist into believing he's a dark wizard.
  • Do Wrong, Right: Jean gets into trouble after hitting a pervert, and Scott and Xavier remind her that physical assault should be carried out when there are no witnesses around.
    Prof. Xavier: Listen to me. If you had put Will Anderson's head through that wall somewhere that wasn't in front of witnesses, I would say, yes, fight this. You didn't though; you put his head through the wall at Harry's on a very crowded night in front of a whole restaurant of witnesses. If you fight this, Jean, you are going to lose.
    Scott: See, next time, you wait in the dark parking lot for him to come out, jump him, and kick the crud out of him. Remember — no witnesses.
  • Drives Like Crazy: The guys never want Jean drive them around because they like living.
    Jean: You know. We don't have to take the bus. I could drive us to where ever we're going.
    Scott: I would really like to get there alive, thanks.
    Jean: My driving isn't that bad.
    Scott: Most people don't take turns on two wheels. Not to mention almost running down two of her teammates who were walking up the drive, minding their own business, while she was going ninety miles an hour. I don't think Hank and Bobby are ever going to recover. Every time they see you blasting up the drive now, they instinctively dive for cover.
    Jean: I don't know why all of you are making such a big deal about this. I didn't hit them.
    Scott: Only because both of them dove into a ditch to avoid the path of your oncoming car. You know, most people try to steer the car away from pedestrians not towards them. Then there was the time you knocked Warren's side mirror off, and glued it back on with Super Glue. Or the time you managed to get that huge scratch along the side of the professor's Buick and tried it hide it with six bottles of nail polish.
    Jean: Okay, okay. Quit the ragging.
    Scott: Somebody has to; Hank's too traumatized to do it since you almost ran him down.
  • Duct Tape for Everything: Beast and Angel use cold-resistant duct tape to gag and tie up Iceman every time their teen teammate is getting on their nerves... or they just want to get rid of him.
  • Dynamic Akimbo: In a comedic example, Jean takes this stance when Scott insinuates her driving skills are non-existent.
  • Eating the Eye Candy: Jean's eyes are glued to Scott's butt, albeit she tries to be discreet about it.
    "Maybe just a little," Scott replied. "It's not like you said I have a cute butt." At that, Jean felt herself get a little redder. Damn her fair complexion. Great, just what she needed; another reason to get a glimpse of his butt.
  • Erotic Dream: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Scott has one involving a naked Jean and a shower.
  • Everyone Can See It: Everyone… but Scott and Jean. Scott is particularly oblivious, refusing to believe it even when he's told by Jean herself.
  • Exact Words: In "Twinkies, Holdups and Other Things that Aren't Good For You", Hank said his dissolvent was guarantee to eat through the glue sticking Joe to the table. He never said it'd not hurt Joe.
    "HANK!" Jean roared.
    Hank gave her an innocent look. "You said to find something that would eat the glue."
    Jean vowed she was going to murder Hank McCoy. "Something that won't hurt Joe in the process."
    Hank gave her an exasperated expression. "Well you Ms. Grey, should have been more specific"
  • False Reassurance: In "Anger Management, Geeks, and Other Scarey Things", Hank assures the Professor he, Warren and Bobby won't start anything with a pervert who harassed Jean. Xavier notes they didn't agree to stay away from him and gets worried.
    Xavier: Have fun. No trouble, and stay away from Will Anderson. Is that understood?
    Hank: (matter-of-factly) You need not worry, sir. If there is any trouble. I can guarantee that one of us will not be the first to start it. You have my word.
    Xavier: (narrowing his eyes) You know, if Scott were with you, how you phrased that would worry me.
  • Fiery Redhead:
    • Take one guess. It's Jean.
      Jean counted to ten; yes, control was her friend, or else the three men in this room were going to die tonight.
    • Discussed in "Chemical Imbalances, Kissing, and Other Sappy Things"
      Jean: You do realize redheads tend to have horrible tempers.
      Scott: Really I never noticed? Redheads have tempers? It's not like the one I go to school with hasn't tried to brain me with a blunt object upon occasion. What do you think? Is she some sort of mutant redhead?
  • First Kiss: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Scott and Jean kiss when the latter is plastered (and horny).
    Suddenly, Scott was caught in Jean's eyes like a net. His mouth met hers and Jean responded back. Their tongues and minds entwined, and Scott found himself running his hands though her wild red hair. Jean's hands were all over him. The next thing Scott knew, they were on the ground with Jean on top of him. She looked like some pagan goddess, looking down at him with passion-bruised lips and her hair all mussed.
  • Flaw Exploitation:
    • As running from a homicidal Scott, Bobby locks him up on the roof, counting on him not daring to blast the door away and hurt anybody else.
      Bobby: I'm just going to let you stay up here until you calm down enough not to kill me. Or at least until I find the professor to protect me.
      Scot: Bobby! Unlock this right now, or so help me, you're dead! Did it occur to you I could just blast the door in?
      Bobby: You won't! You don't have your visor. That means you can't control how powerful your blast will be. You could just as easily rip the roof off as blast down the door. You won't risk hurting the others by mistake.
      Scott: Bobby! Open the door! (grumbling) I am so stupid! I fell for that one like an amateur.
    • This is Scott's specialty:
      Warren: I have to congratulate you, Hank. This plan was brilliant — evil, devious, used all of Will's character faults against him, and played on his biggest fear. It was worthy of one of Slim's plans.
  • For Science!: Hank's dedication for blowing things up and gene-splicing innocent victims for the sake of furthering Science, unhindered by silly morals, is commendable.
    Hank: Our dear friend, Eiffel, tried to steal Jean's purse, and when she chased him, he pulled a knife on her. He's going to be our guest until he sees the error of his ways and is willing to confess his crimes to the police.
    Scott: If he doesn't confess?
    Hank: I need a human subject for my gene splicing experiments. We can keep him down in the basement lab.
    Scott: What about those pesky things called 'ethics'?
    Hank: Blah, Blah. What's one life to further science?
  • Friend Versus Lover: Downplayed. Neither Scott, nor Hank, nor Bobby, nor even Jean can stand Warren's girlfriend Candy. Rather than forcing Warren to choose, though, they're satisfied with annoying Candy and sabotaging their dates.
  • Friend to All Living Things: Scott buys a goat because he'll not put up with her owner abusing it, refuses to blast a tiger and is the only one to get along with his ride. The only animals he can't stand are Hank's unholy lab pets.
  • Freudian Excuse: Scott can't stand Bruno, a high-school bully he meets in "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things". Scott's parole officer explains Bruno's father was abusive, and Bruno needs to be taught how to behave.
    Carol: Good, now that we're alone. I'm asking you to try to be a little nicer to Bruno, okay? I know it's not an easy task and he's not the most pleasant person you'll ever meet. Bruno's not a bad kid Scott. Yes, I know he's a bully, but he's only acting out what he knows. What his father taught him.
    Scott: So? That makes it okay for him to threaten to hurt Bobby? That makes it okay for him to threaten to hurt someone younger than he is?
    Carol: No, of course not. But Bruno has only threatened, and he actually hasn't made a move to hurt Bobby. That leaves a lot of room for you to let it slide off your back and compromise until he actually tries something. If Bruno tries to hurt Bobby, you won't be the first one to trounce him. Trust me.
    Scott: Compromise, in my experience, has always been another word for lose.
    Carol: You are so wrong, Scott. Compromise most times is the only way everyone wins. Bruno is acting out the lessons that his drunken, abusive father taught him. Don't act out the lessons that Jack taught you. Don't let Jack win like that.
  • Freudian Excuse Is No Excuse: When Carol asks Scott to go soft on a bully whom she's trying to reform, explaining Bruno's a bully because of his abusive father, Scott replies it doesn't make his behavior okay.
  • Freudian Slip: It happens when Scott doesn't want to tell Jean where his tattoo is.
    Jean: You know, between changing in the locker room and the bad guys pretty much blowing our uniforms off, there's possibly about six inches of you that I haven't seen.
    Scott: I didn't know you looked.
    Jean: I never... I didn't mean... I just catch a glimpse... You're enjoying this way too much, Summers.
  • Get Out!: Uttered by Scott in "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things" when he notices Sue has slipped in his tent.
    Scott: I'm going to only ask you this once, Sue. What the hell are you doing in my tent?
    Sue: Since you had to leave the fire early, I thought you might like some company.
    Scott: I don't. Get out!
    Sue: I just love a man who plays hard to get.
    Scott: I don't play. I am hard to get. Now get out!
  • The Glomp: Katy, a little girl whom Scott befriends is prone to pounce and tackle.
    Before Jade could hand her a pass, an orange streak came out of nowhere and leaped in Scott's direction. The streak hit Scott with enough force that he staggered back a few steps and it seemed suddenly, almost out of nowhere, there was an eight-year old girl in Scott's arms, wrapped all around him.
  • Good Angel, Bad Angel: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Bobby Drake's good and bad voices are represented as Professor Xavier (who urges him to not put himself on the bullies' level) and Scott Summers (Who tells him: "Don't get caught"). After much deliberation, Bobby chooses to go with Scott's advice.
  • Groin Attack: Discussed several times. When angry, Jean Grey aims low.
    • In "Tormenting Jean, Killer Robots, and Other Bad Ideas":
      Jean: Oh, shit — Scott, I'm so sorry. Don't open your eyes. I'm so sorry. I thought you were Warren.
      Scott: Obviously. Planning on kicking a certain part of Warren's anatomy, Red?
      Jean: Something like that.
    • In "Can't Fight This Feeling":
      Hank: But if Scott manages to piss her off too badly, he's on his own. The last time I tried to pull them apart, Jean got in a good kick. That woman is mean.
      Bobby: I remember that. I think everyone flinched when she landed that kick.
      Hank: You never have to worry about that happening with two men fighting. We have certain rules of engagement, and kicking below the belt is against the rules.
      Bobby: She apologized profusely for kicking you. And she bought you a malt later, to make up for it.
      Hank: I still despair of having children.
  • Heroes Want Redheads: The only girl Scott has ever loved happens to be a redhead.
    Scott: That's Jean — a friend of mine from school.
    Katy: She's a redhead. Why am I not surprised?
  • Holding Hands: The series ends up with Scott and Jean walking back to the mansion holding hands.
    Sporting a wicked, bad boy expression of his own, Scott reached for Jean's hand, and she squeezed his right back.
  • Hostage Situation: Parodied in "Twinkies, Holdups and Other Things that Aren't Good For You", an incredibly dense crook attempts to rob a pet store, believing it to be a bank. Scott, Warren and Bobby have to figure out a way to take down the idiot without revealing their powers.
    Bank Robber: This is a hold up! I want the vault open right now! No one move and don't even think of going for the alarms.
    Scott: You're new at this aren't you?
    Bank Robber: (blinking) What gives you that idea? I've robbed lots of banks. Why? You better do what I say. Have the tellers empty the vault. I swear I'll start shooting.
    Scott: The bank's next door.
    Bank Robber: (panicking) I knew that. I meant to hold up the... the —
    Scott: Pet store.
    Bank Robber: I knew that. Yeah, I meant to hold up the pet store.
  • I Don't Want to Ruin Our Friendship: One of the reasons because Scott didn't dare to confess his feelings for years.
    Scott: Jean and I are just friends.
    Hank: There's nothing wrong with wanting to be more.
    Scott: (glaring) There is if I screw it up and it blows this team apart. There's a lot more to consider than how I feel. Besides, Jean has stated over and over again she's not interesting in a serious relationship. So it's better for us to stay friends.
  • I'm Standing Right Here: In "Bridesmaid Dresses, Slime, and Other Horrible Things", Scott loves when people pretends he isn't in the room.
    Scott ate his dinner slowly, wondering where the Sentinels were when you really needed them. The Greys were studying him with an expression that most people reserved for rather distasteful insects. He always loved being discussed as if he wasn't even there.
  • I Was Never Here: In "Twinkies, Holdups and Other Things that Aren't Good For You", Hank bumps into Scott, Bobby and Warren as they're trying to hide Hank's dead lab rat.
    Right then Hank McCoy came sulking in to the room while carrying a box. Scott quickly hid Blinky behind his back. "Hank. What are you doing here?"
    Hank's eyes darted back and forth and gave all three of them a glare. "Nothing. What are you three doing here?"
    "Nothing," the three of them replied quickly.
    "That's what I thought you would say," Hank replied. "You never saw me. In exchange I never saw what the three of you might be doing in here."
    "Deal," Bobby announced.
  • Insistent Terminology: Scott resents being called "Satan". He insists on "Incarnation of Evil".
    "Please, anyone but him! He's an agent of Satan!"
    Scott rolled his eyes. "Incarnation of Evil please. I'd like to think I have the major religions covered."
  • Insult to Rocks: Warren spouts the line as arguing with Hank.
    Warren: Well, I could have said you were related to a monkey's uncle. But I would be insulting the monkeys.
  • Just Following Orders: Humorous example. Hank and Warren blame Scott for bringing Bobby to the Mansion. Scott protests he was just following orders.
    Scott: Keep it up Bobby. I know where Professor Xavier hid Hank's special rope, and I just might talk in my sleep and let the location slip.
    Hank and Warren: You’re the one who brought him home.
    Scott: I did not! Professor Xavier brought him home. I was just following orders.
    Hank and Warren: We still blame you.
    Boby: Hey!
  • Kissing Under the Influence: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", a plastered Jean kisses Scott.
    Suddenly, Scott was caught in Jean's eyes like a net. His mouth met hers and Jean responded back. Their tongues and minds entwined, and Scott found himself running his hands though her wild red hair. Jean's hands were all over him. The next thing Scott knew, they were on the ground with Jean on top of him. She looked like some pagan goddess, looking down at him with passion-bruised lips and her hair all mussed.
  • Like an Old Married Couple: Scott and Jean argued, bickered and fought like an old married couple long before becoming a married couple.
  • Love at First Sight: Scott and Jean fell for each other since day one.
    Scott: Fine! I care for you too much to be just your friend any more! Every time I see you out with another guy, it rips my heart out! I've loved you from the moment I set eyes on you! I won't play this game anymore."
    Jean: Scott...
    Scott: Don't.
    Jean: You stubborn jerk! Don't you dare run away from me after saying that! I love you, too! I've loved you from the moment you helped me carry my suitcase up the stairs to my room, my first day at school.
  • Love Confession: In "Can't Fight This Feeling", Jean finally becomes fed up with their avoidance dance and hits on Scott. Scott replies he can't be her fall-back guy and stalks off. Angrily, Jean follows him and demands an answer.
    Jean: Damn it, Scott, slow down! I won't be ignored, Summers! You'd better slow down so we can talk. Damn you and your long legs!
    Scott: What do you want?
    Jean: What do I want? You have the nerve to ask that question after you left me hanging in the middle of the dance floor like that?
    Scott: I did not leave you hanging. I told it like it is. There's a huge difference.
    Jean: Don't even try to worm your way out of this! Now finish what you were going to say on that damned dance floor!
    Scott: Why?! It doesn't matter anyway.
    Jean: Because I need to hear it, you ass, that's why!
    Scott: Fine! I care for you too much to be just your friend any more! Every time I see you out with another guy, it rips my heart out! I've loved you from the moment I set eyes on you! I won't play this game anymore.
    Jean: Scott...
    Scott: Don't.
    Jean: You stubborn jerk! Don't you dare run away from me after saying that! I love you, too! I've loved you from the moment you helped me carry my suitcase up the stairs to my room, my first day at school.
    Scott: What?
    Jean: You heard me, you stupid jerk. I love you. I'm not repeating it.
  • Luminescent Blush: Scott tends to have this effect on Jean.
    Jean eyed him coldly for a moment. "You know, between changing in the locker room and the bad guys pretty much blowing our uniforms off, there's possibly about six inches of you that I haven't seen."
    "I didn't know you looked," Scott answered smoothly.
    Jean felt her cheeks get warm. "I never... I didn't mean... I just catch a glimpse... You're enjoying this way too much, Summers," she fired back, embarrassed.
    "Maybe just a little," Scott replied. "It's not like you said I have a cute butt." At that, Jean felt herself get a little redder. Damn her fair complexion. Great, just what she needed; another reason to get a glimpse of his butt. "It's not like the thought of a hidden tattoo might turn you on," he continued. "Or that bad boys push your buttons right?" Now, Jean could feel her face flame.
  • Making Love in All the Wrong Places: Discussed. When deliberating on places to make love for first time, Scott suggests the town park, but Jean declines.
    "It's what makes life with me so exciting, Scott. So what do we do now?"
    "Go home, I guess. Unless," Scott blanched, eyeing the grass, "you want to try it here?"
    Jean chuckled at that comment. "Not really. Besides, you have me in your life now; you won't need any cheap thrills."
    "I was hoping you'd say that." He looked relieved. "I wasn't looking forward to getting a rock or stick jabbing into me."
    "I guess we head home then," Jean said, getting up from the curb.
  • Manipulative Bastard: Given Scott's manipulative tendencies, his friends advise him to consider a law degree.
    Scott: I really need to find a career that allows me to play with people’s minds, souls, and ethical values or else I'm never going to be a happy and fulfilled person.
    Warren: Have you considered law?
    Scott: Summers, Happily, Cheatum, and Howe? I'll have to consider changing my major.
  • Moody Mount: In "Midnight Meetings", the group is heading towards an archeological dig. Hank knows his camel hates him and looks to kill him.
    Hank: Oh Fearless, I believe my camel is plotting to try to eat me.
    Scott: It’s a camel, Hank. It hates everyone. Besides it just wants a chance to spit on you.
  • Mugging the Monster:
    • A thief attempts to snatch the purse of Jean "incredibly powerful psychic with an incredibly short fuse" Grey. It doesn't end well for him. But at least Hank didn't lock him down in a basement and re-engineer him his genes, so yay?
    • A high-school bully called Bruno picks on Bobby until Bobby gets fed up and retaliates. Later on, Bruno can be seen screaming Bobby is an “agent of Satan”.
  • My Eyes Are Up Here: Jean to a shrink who kept ogling her cleavage.
    Jean: I have no patience for all forms of male stupidity. I really have no patience for men who forget that women do exist from the shoulders up. That's why I take pride in the fact that I put Will Anderson's head through the wall. Dr. Tom, my eyes are a few inches further up my body.
  • Mythology Gag: Scott mentions to Warren that the head of the orphanage he grew up in was obsessed with Darwin and Nietzsche.
  • Noodle Incident: Jean isn't sure what trouble her teammates got into Hong Kong which involved a drug lord and a tiger cage but she knows she doesn't want to know.
    Warren: Funny, it almost sounded like he doesn't trust us.
    Hank: Indeed. It did sound that way.
    Scott: I wonder why? Could it be the Hong Kong drug lord we managed to get on the wrong side of the last time he took us out of the country?
    Warren: Spend one night treed by a tiger, and you never forgive us. You could have just blasted it.
    Scott: I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and just blasted you and Hank.
    Jean: Now, I'm sure I don't want to know.
  • No Social Skills: Scott doesn't know what is this "social skills" thing everyone harps on about but he's sure he hates it.
    Scott: I don't do one-night stands and I don't have time for a relationship. I almost have too much on my plate with school, community-service hours, and saving the world from evil mutants. Figuring out women takes too much time and energy. That, and most people just manage to irritate me.
  • Oblivious to Hints: Scott is amazingly dense. Jean drops all kinds of hints and he doesn't get she likes him back.
  • Oblivious to Love: Not even when Jean tells him point blank she wants to date him Scott gets she's in love with him.
  • Odd Couple: A brooding, introvert, misanthropic loner who thinks too much and a high-spirited, extrovert, hot-tempered girl who is a bit too much reckless? Likelier than you thought. Scott and Jean reckon they get along because no one else would put up with each other.
    Scott: You know, the two of us are really pathetic sometimes.
    Jean: Definitely. No one else would put up with us. That's why we ended up best friends. You know what our friendship is like?
    Scott: The Titanic hitting the iceberg?
    Jean: Sometimes.
    Scott: A bad case of sea sickness?
    Jean: Nope. Not that.
    Scott: Maple, toffee-flavored coffee?
    Jean: Yuck! No.
    Scott: A no-plot, B-rated action flick?
    Jean: Double yuck! No.
    Scott: A tricycle designed by Dr Seuss?
    Jean: That's it! It works. It putters right along but no one can quite figure out how.
  • Official Kiss: Scott and Jean after confessing in “Can't Fight This Feeling”.
  • Oh, Crap!: Bobby's reaction when the Greys arrive at the School and he realizes he's chosen the worst possible time to be rude.
    John Grey: We're here to see Professor Charles Xavier.
    Bobby: (frowning) He's not here. If you had bothered to make an appointment, you would know he got called out to D.C. last night on urgent business. You wouldn't have ended up pulling me out of bed. The professor isn't going to be back until this afternoon sometime.
    Elaine Gray: (glaring) We have a standing invitation to come tour the school and meet the students.
    Bobby: You're the Greys? Oh, crap. Professor Xavier is not going to be happy about this.
  • Only Known by Their Nickname:
    • As visiting Paris in "Hit Women, Goats, and Other Vacation Blunders", Jean catches a purse-snatcher. Hank calls him "Eiffel", and that's what he's called throughout the story.
    • In "Twinkies, Holdups, and Other Things That Aren't Good For You", a Satanist is given no name. He's just "the guy in the 'Satan Rules!' T-shirt".
  • O.O.C. Is Serious Business: In "Chemical Imbalances, Kissing, and Other Sappy Things". Much jaw-dropping ensues:
    Scott glared at Bobby again and said, "No, I have a date this weekend."
    Bobby almost fell out of the chair he was sitting in and Jean choked on a spoonful of cereal.
    "With a girl?" Bobby blurted.
    "What's her name?" Jean fired back from the other side of the table.
    Scott glared at them annoyed. "Is it so unbelievable that I have a date?"
    Bobby smiled at him sweetly and replied, "Well, we are talking about you, Slim."
  • Parental Favoritism: Subverted. Scott is convinced that Jean is Xavier's favorite student. In fact, when Jean's father expressed his concerns as to the presence of a kid with a criminal record in the school, Xavier replied if he had to choose between keeping Scott and taking Jean in... Well, he was the only father figure Scott had left.
  • Parents as People: Jean's folks are devoted parents who truly love their daughter, but their way to deal with the issues stemming from Jean's mutation is to foist her on Xavier so they don't have to think about it.
  • Pervert Revenge Mode: In "Anger Management, Geeks, and Other Scary Things", Jean gets into trouble after punishing a boy harassing her. She gets forced to attend an anger management course ran by a creep who continues peeking at her cleavage. Cue punching.
  • Porn Stash: Warren is forced to relocate his before Jean's arrival.
    Bobby: So the new student who's coming this weekend is a girl?
    Hank: It would appear so. Warren better collect all the dirty magazines he has stashed around the rec room.
    Warren: (grumbling) Yeah, yeah. I'll get on it.
  • Puppy-Dog Eyes: Scott teaches Jean the "puppy eyes" pleading technique. She uses it on Hank right away.
    Scott: It's a weapon that women have been using against men since the beginning of time. Get all teary eyed on him and in about two minutes Hank McCoy will be eating out of your hand. He'll do anything you ask him to do. It works on just about every man on the planet, Red.
  • Raging Stiffie: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Jean notices Scott's "little, growing trouble" when she tries to seduce him.
    She bit him through his t-shirt. "You really do have the mind of a bad boy, underneath that cold, icy exterior," she purred. "But I know you aren't made of the stone you like to show everyone else." Then she looked up at him and smirked. "At least not most of you anyway."
  • Redhead In Green: Parodied in "Bridesmaid Dresses, Slime, and Other Horrible Things" when the guys see the key-lime green bridesmaid dress Sarah Grey chose for her little sister and unanimously declare Jean will look horrible on it.
  • Relationship Upgrade: Between Scott and Jean in "Can't Fight This Feeling".
  • Retired Badass: Parodied. After the events of "Hit Women, Goats, and Other Vacation Blunders", Jeanette the Super-Goat quits the "heroing" business.
    Jean: So how is the sixth member of our team doing?
    Scott: Jeanette is being retired to a beautiful country estate that a friend of Professor Xavier owns. There, she'll live out the rest of her days in peace, officially retired from the superhero business.
  • Romantic False Lead: Jean dates several guys throughout the story. Most of them are quickly scared away by Scott, Hank and Warren.
  • Running Gag: Hit Women, Goats, and Other Vacation Blunders has "Follow the goat" and "Our vacations are always interesting."
  • She Is Not My Girlfriend: In "Chemical Imbalances, Kissing, and Other Sappy Things", Scott reiterates Jean is not his girlfriend.
    Someone must have picked up on the other side of the line Jade had dialed. "Shelly, Scott's here to see Katy. Can I send him up? He brought a..." — Jade winked at her and Jean decided right there she was going to like this woman — "... a female friend with him today. Can I send her up too? Yes, it appears Slim, does indeed have a girlfriend. Some of the older girls around here are going to be heart-broken."
    "She is not my girlfriend," Scott protested loudly, blushing a little, "She's a close friend, I go to school with."
    Jade covered the mouthpiece of the telephone and replied, "Shelly said she heard that and you are protesting way too much for her not to be your girlfriend. 'Bout time you got yourself a life." Scott groaned and blushed a little redder. Jade chuckled at that display and took her hand off the mouthpiece. "I'll send them both right up." She hung up the phone, gave Jean a wide grin and offered a hand. "Hi, I'm Jade and regardless of what Shelly might tell you later, I run this nut house."
    "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm Jean," she responded, shaking the older woman's hand. "Otherwise known as 'not-Scott's-girlfriend.'" That response pulled another groan from Scott.
  • Shipper on Deck: At the beginning the guys all agree Jean is off limits. At the end, though, Hank encourages Scott to tell Jean how he feels.
  • Shower of Love:
    • In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Scott has a dream where he and Jean make love under a shower.
      She had him pinned against the wall of the shower stall. He looked down in to her glittering, passion-filled eyes. The shower spray and her hands were all over him. Suddenly, she wrapped her legs around his waist. He ran his hands through her wild red hair, then leaned forward to kiss her.
    • In the final chapter he asks her how she feels about hot, steamy showers. Jean is open to the idea.
  • Silly Reason for War: Parodied. In one chapter Warren implies that men start wars because of women. Later Scott concludes Warren's wrong, and men start wars to get the Hell away from women.
  • Single Woman Seeks Good Man: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Sue admits she's looking for a nice guy who won't take advantage of her, unlike the creeps she used to date.
  • Socially Awkward Hero: Scott is a powerful superhero and a brilliant strategist, but he can't figure people out.
    Scott: I don't do one-night stands and I don't have time for a relationship. I almost have too much on my plate with school, community-service hours, and saving the world from evil mutants. Figuring out women takes too much time and energy. That, and most people just manage to irritate me.
  • Stealth Hi/Bye: At the end of "Hit Women, Goats, and Other Vacation Blunders", Scott gives Jean a present and slinks off before she can turn it down.
    "It's gorgeous." Jean held up the robe so she could see the whole thing. "I love the color! But I can't accept this. I mean, it's just too expensive." But when she lowered the robe to see Scott, he was gone. The ice was on the floor. The Band-Aids and ointment for her blistered feet were on the bed.
    But Scott was nowhere to be seen.
  • Superdickery: A great deal of the humor derives from the characters being real mean-spirited when annoyed.
  • Team Dad: Professor Xavier is the team's teacher and parental figure. He tries to keep his crazy students under control. He tries so hard...
  • Their First Time: After a long, long while, Scott and Jean get together at last and head back to the mansion in order to consumate their relationship.
  • Totally Radical: The Satanist guy whom the guys bump into in "Twinkies, Holdups, and Other Things That Aren't Good For You" talks like this the whole time.
    "Dude. My cult is not going to be happy about this. I, like, had to bring the new snake over tonight to, like, get ready for tonight's sacrifice."
  • Tranquil Fury: The colder he looks, the angrier and more dangerous Scott is.
    I'm going to tell you what you're going to do, José, and you're going to listen very carefully. If you don't, you're going to be dealing with me. You really don't want to do that. You are going to march right into camp and tell Carol what happened."
    "What if I don't do it?" José demanded.
    Scott gave him a very chilling smile. "You're going to make me very angry. There's a difference between Warren and me. Warren will rip your arms off and feel guilty about it later. I, on the other hand, will simply hold your head under the water until you stop struggling and I won't feel anything. It would be in your own best interest not to irritate me. Do I make myself perfectly clear?"
  • Tsundere: Jean is usually good-natured and kind-heated, but Scott and, by extension, her male teammates tend to bring her harsh, flaring side out.
  • Turn the Other Cheek: When a bully is giving him a hard time, Bobby considers to follow the mature route and don't retaliate. At the end, he says himself "To hell with transcending. Who wants to be a better person?" and gets even.
  • Unresolved Sexual Tension: Between Scott and Jean before getting together. Scott doesn't know what to do with his hormones but his erotic dreams starring Jean won't stop, and Jean wants to tackle him and take him on the spot, but neither believes the other reciprocates their feelings.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: The five teenagers are the world's best friends but you'd be forgiven for not realizing it due to the insane amount of bickering.
  • Vomit Discretion Shot: In "Boy Scouts, Sex, and Other Mysterious Things", Jean feels the need to throw up after drinking too much, so she runs into the woods.
    "Every time I think about looking into your eyes, I..." She suddenly turned a very green color. "I need to throw up," she said, stumbling out of his arms and into the woods.
  • When She Smiles: Gender-Flipped. Jean thinks her sour-tempered teammate's smile is beautiful.
    Jean Grey studied the framed picture she was holding. She'd managed to capture one of Scott's rare unguarded smiles in the photograph. No one else had ever seen this particular picture of Scott. She'd made sure of that. This was her picture, and it made her heart skip a beat every time she saw it. Scott had been sending that smile to her and only her that afternoon in the park. That's the reason no other human being would ever see this picture. This was her Scott and no one else's.
  • Wide-Eyed Idealist: Scott's parole officer Carol is cheerful, optimistic and determined to help every troubled child. She freaks Scott out. Since when public servants are idealistic?
    Scott: Carol's my parole officer. She comes up here to get a status report once a month. She's young, just out of school, perky, idealistic, and determined that she can save every troubled child. I can deal with her being young and right out of school. It's the cheerful, idealistic and perky part that I have a hard time with. She's part of the juvenile justice system for God's sake, they're not supposed to be idealistic. Carol's a freak anomaly. I hate anomalies.
  • With Friends Like These...: Scott, Jean, Hank, Warren and Bobby are good friends and fully supportive of each other... except for when they're trying to make each other miserable.
    Warren turned to glare at them, "I hope you both realize that you're going to die. And, for good measure, I might just kill Scott for leaving the two of you alone, unsupervised."
    Hank rolled his eyes. "One of these days you're going to have to tell me where you met Barbie's blow-up, anorexic cousin."
    "Her name is Candy, Hank," Warren griped. "Thank you SO much for wrecking my date with her."
  • World of Snark: All members of the team are extreme snarkers.
    Scott: I don't know why you want me there, anyway. Most likely everyone will have a much better time without me. I'll manage to piss off the waitress in the first five minutes, and we'll get lousy service all night.
    Hank: We were discussing the concept of risk, correct? You pissing the waitress off is a risk we take bringing you anywhere, Scott.
    Scott: Warren's bringing Candy, so you know Candy and I will be sniping at each other all night. That woman annoys me.
    Hank: Couldn't tell. You hid it so well when you asked her how she feels about promoting a superficial, anorexic culture to young women all over the world.
  • You Do NOT Want To Know: Jean knows what she doesn't want to know what her teammates were up in Hong Kong, or why it involved drug lords, tigers and exploding warehouses, but she ends up asking anyway.

Jean: Well that's great news. Eiffel had us drop him off at the nearest police station. I think he confessed to every crime he ever committed. I honestly don't know what to think about the fact he wanted to get away from us that badly. He even told Professor Xavier he was looking forward to the quiet jail would offer. Then he begged Professor Xavier never to release us on society.