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Fanfic / Wolf and Cub

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Wolf And Cub is a fanfic by Dissenter

Synopsis: Konoha is nastier than canon in a number of ways because the Sandaime got hit on the head during the Kyuubi attack and Danzo is therefore responsible for much of the village's actual functioning. The effects are subtle but significant and include a worsening of Anbu missions which acts as a contributory factor in driving Kakashi over the edge.

A slightly unhinged Kakashi finds two-year-old Naruto being beaten up and decides the best course of action is to kidnap him and go on the run. Hilarity ensues. Other ninjas follow Kakashi's example. Zabuza has no idea how he ended up giving all these Konoha ninja parenting classes.

This fic contains examples of the following tropes:

  • Abusive Parents: As always Rasa, thankfully Yashamaru chooses to grab Gaara and run.
  • Accidental Truth: Kurenai goes to the capital in order to amuse herself and toy with Asuma. To get him to cooperate with her she tells him that she has heard of a plot to murder the Fire Daimyo that he is sworn to protect. While she lied to him, some investigation reveals that there actually is a plot to murder the Daimyo.
  • An Offer You Can't Refuse: Tsunade of all people is on the receiving end of this from Kakashi and the rest of his Ninja Pirate Crew.
  • Appeal to Tradition: Prior to the establishment of the Hidden Villages, clans like the Hatake and Inuzuka regularly practiced child stealing from their enemies, preferring them under the age of four. While appalling, it is a lot better than the Uchiha and Senju tradition of killing all the children of their enemies.
  • Aristocrats Are Evil: The Noble Ninja Clans of Konoha are full of self serving individuals.
    • These types are galore in the capital. Neji, who still has not hit two digits in age knows better than to take any noble at face value. When a dead body is found in a fancy party, Neji is not shocked that a noble killed someone but that they did it in such a public setting.
  • Awesome, but Impractical: The act of summoning krakens while on land.
  • Badass Adorable: All the kids, having a Person of Mass Destruction aka a skilled jounin as your Parental Substitute really turns small children into serious threats.
  • Badly Battered Babysitter: Any poor soul that has to babysit Sasuke when either Itachi or Kisame are absent, ends up a Nervous Wreck .
  • Best Served Cold: Anko and Kiba annoyed the heck out of Ebisu and Shino back in Konoha. Once the quiet duo go missing nin they chose to specifically target the pranksters and ruin their fun.
  • Big Brother Instinct: What causes the plot. Kakashi's brotherly instincts go into overdrive and he goes missing-nin, with toddler Naruto on hand.
  • Birds of a Feather: Haku and Shizune. They are quiet, smart kids that tend to be Weak, but Skilled and belieave themselves to be the Only Sane Man.
  • Butt-Monkey: Haku and Shizune, due to being somewhat sane, end up dealing with Naruto's pranks and mayhem, Sasuke's obsessive and vengeful tendencies, and Shin and Sai's special brand of creepy.
  • Cheerful Child: Naruto, anyone that is not a Konoha civilian cooes at him.
  • Crack Pairing: Technical Pacifist and Pretty Boy Itachi is on his way of ending up with Blood Knight and Gonk Kisame.
  • Cuteness Overload: Naruto is so adorable that he gets away with pretty much everything and is able to convince complete strangers to feed him copious amounts of ramen.
  • Decadent Court: The Capital, home to the Fire Daimyo and his court. Hizashi refuses to set foot there due to the corruption.
    • When Neji stumbles on a murdered corpse during a fancy banquet he is not surprised that a noble murdered someone, but they did it so sloppily.
  • Didn't Think This Through: In order to prevent more children being kidnapped by jounin, the Council decides to post a jounin guard on the Academy. Guess what happens.
  • Doting Parent: After abducting/adopting Kabuto, Orochimaru of all people turns into Maes Hughes much creepier cousin. He shows slides thousands of pages long to any intruder that he captures, to the point where Jiraya would actually prefer traditional torture.
  • Eldritch Abomination: Haku and Naruto are mistaken for girls and taken into an all-girls school where the headmistress is an eldritch being from beyond the stars.
    • The Adventurer Archeologist quintet made up of Genma, Raido, Shikamaru, Ino, and Chouji end up dealing with far too many of them.
    • Naruto ends up gaining Cthulu and Yogg Sogoth as summons.
  • Femme Fatale: Kurenai reinvents herself as one after going missing in, with Asuma as her hardboiled detective.
  • Insistent Terminology: Asuma would like everyone to know that he did not do a Hatake. He applied through legal channels to become a permanent bodyguard to the Fire Daimyo in the Capital. And Neji is not is a kidnapee but his lawful apprentice. He got all the necessary forms from the kid's uncle and legal guardian.
  • Irony: Hizashi misses Neji quite a bit as he gets near the capital, but refuses to go there since it is a den of corruption and he does not want to expose Hinata to it. Unknown to him, Neji is in the capital as Asuma's Hatake style adoptee, ahem, as his lawful, entirely regular apprentice.
  • The Kindnapper: Many of the 'abducted' kids are much better off with their new adoptive parent than their biological family. Exhibit A: Gaara.
  • Knight Templar Big Brother: Itachi and Shin are more than willing and very able to commit mass murder to protect their younger brothers. And their little brothers very much return the sentiment.
  • Laser-Guided Karma: Tsume insults the parents that got their kids kidnapped as not having guarded them well enough. Sure enough Anko takes Kiba with her when she goes missing nin.
  • Like Parent, Like Child: Guy turns Lee into his carbon copy.
  • More Deadly Than the Male: Gaara's mother Karura. It is telling that her brother Yashamaru fears her wrath than Shukaku's, an actual chakra monster.
  • Names to Run From Really Fast: The ship of the Ninja Pirates is called The Calamity.
  • Nasty Party: Neji attends a party thrown by a relative of the Fire Daimyo. He is very shocked when he stumbles on a dead body, because Capital nobles don't kill people at parties. Parties are where they decide who to kill and hire assassins at a later date.
  • No Social Skills: Kakashi, Tenzo, Sai, Shin, Itachi, Sasuke.
  • No Sympathy: Tsume berates all the parents who have had their kids abducted by missing-nin by pointing out that they have not guarded them well enough.
  • Offscreen Moment of Awesome: Most of the stuff that the children get up to when unsupervised qualifies.
  • Only Sane Man: Some people think they are such, but they are wrong.
    You'll notice that people who may have previously seemed comparatively reasonable just took a jump off the deep end. That's because in this fic there is no sane man. Just people that seem saner than others in specific contexts.
  • Opposites Attract: See Crack Pairing for Itachi and Kisame.
  • Parental Substitute: Pretty much all the kidnapping jounin. Gaara insists on having Shukaku as this. Yashamaru refuses to let him replace his sister, thus Shukaku is now Gaara's father.
  • Person as Verb: Doing a Hatake, meaning going missing-nin and taking a small child with you, having legal rights to the child in question being optional.
  • Pirates: Naruto gets the idea of starting a Ninja Pirate Crew. Zabuza calls First Mate and Kakashi Captain. Kisame, Itachi, Tenzou, Yashamaru join shortly after. Tsunade is pressganged into joining.
  • Polar Opposite Twins: Hiashi is a Slytherin and Hizashi a Gryffindor.
  • The Prankster: As typical Naruto, but also Anko and Kiba.
  • Promoted to Parent: Itachi actively promotes himself. Having lost faith that his family and Konoha will be able to keep Sasuke safe.
  • Right-Hand Cat: Danzo somehow acquires one.
  • Sitcom Archnemesis: For the Nindiana Jones squad, the Akatsuki who try to divest them of the artifact of dooms that they neutralize and collect for safekeeping.
  • Shipper on Deck: Literally on deck, Kisame subtly ships Sakura/Sasuke. Since Sasuke is basically his adopted son/brother in law and Sakura is the daughter in law that he has always wanted.
  • Stockholm Syndrome: Sasuke purposely invokes it on Kisame. It mostly works because Kisame is more than willing to go along with it.
  • Take the Third Option: After the Kumo debacle, Hiashi has two choices. Either hand over his beloved twin to be killed by Kumo nin or cause a war that Konoha can't afford. He instead has his brother Hizashi pretend to have a psychotic breakdown, kidnap Hinata and kill the Kumo ambassador on his way out.
    • Again, with Neji he can either let the elders mistreat the boy or go against the elders to protect him and cause discord in the clan. He opts to force Asuma to take Neji to the Capital as an apprentice.
  • Vitriolic Best Buds: What Kakashi and Itachi assume that Naruto and Sasuke are, but the boys actually loathe having to spend time together when their respective big bros have a mission to run.
  • Woman Scorned: Kakashi warns Naruto of this trope, telling him to avoid making women angry because they will find a way to make him miserable. Case to point, Shizune dyes Naruto's precious orange clothes, neon pink.
    • Yashamaru is far more scared of his dead sister than of the tailed beast sealed inside his nephew. When Gaara really insists on having a literal chakra monster as a parent, Yashamaru tells him that Shukaku can be his father but not his mother. Otherwise, Karura will make his afterlife very unpleasant.
  • Worth It: For the sake of his nephew, Yashamaru betrayed his village, went on the run, and spends far too much time scrubbing blood and other fluid from inn floors. But every time Gaara smiles at simple pleasures he did not have in Suna, his uncle feels vindicated and justified.

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