We're Jerry Springer Not Casablanca is a Guardians of the Galaxy fanfic by judypoovey.
The story is set in an AU, where everyone is human, Yondu has four adopted children and is trying to raise them all without going insane. Things get complicated when he meets Kraglin, a scruffy punk with a neck tattoo. Things get even more complicated when Peter's biological dad comes back for him.
This fic provides examples of
- Abusive Parents: Ego implied to be this for Mantis, as she has almost no social skills and is scared to be around strangers when she first arrives at Yondu's house.
- Adorkable: Mantis is socially awkward, but is also the sweetest and least cynical of Yondu's children.
- Big, Screwed-Up Family: Yondu acknowledges his family as this, describing himself as "at least a mediocre dad"
- Bi the Way: Kraglin.
- Handicapped Badass: Nebula has a prosthetic arm and leg, but doesn't hesitate to start a fight with the man who catcalled Mantis.
- Huge Schoolgirl: Groot is a male version of this, as at twelve years old he's already at eye level with Yondu.
- I Was Quite a Fashion Victim: Invoked by Yondu when Peter sees old photos of Yondu and his friends from The 80s, which include Yondu with a bright red mohawk and a denim vest.
- It's Personal: Peter snaps and attacks Ego when he learns that Ego set the fire that killed his mother.
- Jerk with a Heart of Gold: Nebula is abrasive and loud, but stands up for Mantis, and is always kind to her.
- Manipulative Bastard: Ego attempts to force Peter into manufacturing drugs by promising that he'll pay for Peter to go to any college he wants.
- Missing Mom: Peter's mother, who died when Peter was six, and Mantis' mother, who who died giving birth to Mantis.
- Multicolored Hair: Gamora's hair has pink streaks at the end.
- Papa Wolf: Yondu becomes this when Mantis gets catcalled, and later again when Ego attacks Peter, going so far as to hit him with Kraglin's car.
- Straight Man: Drax's girlfriend Hovat is a female example, as she seems to have almost no sense of humour in contrast to the raucous Drax.Draxs girlfriend...was almost hilariously humorless, a foil to Draxs socially stunted bombast.
- Vitriolic Best Buds: Yondu and Tullk.It was hard to differentiate between best friend and only friend, but Tullk was probably both.
- Teen Genius: Rocket is a fourteen year old who is "constantly building weird gadgets and fixing things around the house".
- The Alleged Car: Kraglin's car, the trunk is literally held together with a paperclip.
- Tsundere: Nebula, and to a lesser extent, Gamora.
- Twincest: Implied with Ayesha.Peter: I looked through her stuff while she was in the bathroom and she either has a twin brother or a boyfriend who looks exactly like her. Either way, they are close.